Why is it Hard to Love Yourself?

Self-compassion can be hard to give ourselves, and there are some deeper reasons for this that relate to unconscious imprints (or fears) held in our subcortical brain.
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If you are someone who has tried to develop a positive, kind relationship with yourself, and yet find it almost impossible to do, then it is likely that somewhere in your deeper brain (subcortically) there is a learning or association that has coded self-compassion as dangerous. While this may sound surprising, it is actually incredibly common. There are many examples where the brain might learn that to value one's self will lead to danger. Think of a child learning that if they stand tall, they will target further abuse. Or perhaps that if they allow themselves to 'take in' that they don't deserve the abuse (or mistreatment), that they will have to become conscious of their parents' failures (which kid's can't let themselves become aware of--even if it means having to blame themselves). These kinds of unconscious associations or 'schemas' (that valuing ourselves will lead to danger) can block all of our conscious attempts to develop self-compassion, making it difficult to let go of shame, self-judgement, or our harsh inner critic.
00:00 Our Deeper, Unconscious Fears of Self Love
05:05 Common Fears About Loving Ourselves
07:03 How to Address these Unconscious Fears
09:11 An Example of an IFS Approach to Working with Shame
The views expressed on this channel and by Dr. Tori Olds should not be taken as medical or psychiatric advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The information is provided solely for informational and entertainment purposes. You should always consult with your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.

[@user-uf4iz5fr7m]

I just saw this video. I’ve watched it twice. I am a 45 year old man that has felt inner shame and self hatred for so many years. I’ve had ( as I’m sure all of us have.) A difficult go at life. For the first time ever, I have an extremely loving and gentle girlfriend that loves me , in spite of all of my faults and I have never felt happier. But my inner demons still won’t let up and if I don’t finally get the help I’ve been seeking for all this time, this happiness I’ve been so blessed to have , could be in danger. Seeing this video and how she describes shame’s ( possible) origins beginning in early childhood makes sense and I wish to God that I could have had this insight as a younger person!! Turns out, I had to slug it out till I was older,, damn! I was in and out of therapy as a teenager and am still. I have never heard anything that remotely made sense or that has resonated with me like this video has! All these years speaking with one therapist then another and yet another! This is my core issue, shame. She hasn’t cured me of course but, I am great full that I found this. I’ve never understood how people get to be happy or love themselves. I honestly don’t know what that is but I want to find out! Men ( at least of my generation) weren’t aloud to feel pain, cry or say “ it hurts.” I was because I was such a sickly kid and I have a beautiful and loving mother. However, she was a single mom with three kids and did the best she could, and she did beautifully. Sometimes parents who were abused as children and the grew up and had babies with men who abused them, have their own sad coping mechanisms. I’m not sure what my mothers were but for as long as I can remember, I have been absolutely-terrified-of hurting people’s feelings especially my mothers. When I see other people hurting,, i sincerely feel hurt and feel extreme hatred and anger towards those who hurt them! Why do I feel shame so much,,, I dunno 🤷 but, I have a feeling that’s what this nice woman is talking about has opened a door that I’ve been pounding and kicking at for -years!! THANK YOU!!❤😅 For anyone out there who may be like me or can relate ( no matter your age or whatever) stay strong and do what I have done, seek answers and fight for yourself to have a life that is worth living because you deserve it!! ❤✌️👍

[@capngrace84]

Shame is the most fascinating internal structure.

[@ghostpost9578]

There is so much love in your being! Your commitment to people getting free is so big I just wanna fall into it. What’s distinct in your speaking is how intentionally you work to give people real ACCESS to reintegrate with themselves. It’s not just theory. I’ve worked a little bit with Sydnor and see her grace and generosity in what you bring. It’s so moving. Thank you 🙏🏽.

[@davidwilliams8451]

I could listen to your voice all day. There is such a soothing quality to it. Thank you for your videos and all your work.

[@sylviakanel9766]

Thank you so much for your client's example. Thank him, too! It put flesh on the bones of my understanding IFS.

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

So true. .I waz guilty of success and ashamed of failure ..so paid a big price of healthy self confidence

[@NanditaDa]

Why can I relate to every single example you’ve given 😢

[@user-uf4iz5fr7m]

Me too man and it’s alright because you aren’t all alone. Life is extremely difficult and it kicks the living shit out of us! Sometimes it seems hopeless but the wonderful medical is, is that it is -never hopeless . Keep your chin up and stand tall🫵😊💪

[@banneradams3273]

Wonderful video! Self-compassion has always been a struggle for me and I’m looking forward to reading Dr. Neff’s book! Thanks for the tip!

[@garbhanmyles]

Very good. I have found IFS work to be great in seeing the various parts of myself more clearly. I still struggle with taking to these various parts in a natural manner though so I’m going to check out your IFS videos. I still feel very uncomfortable being kind to myself too and what you said here really makes sense as to why this is the case. I think a daily practice might be very helpful in many ways. Thanks very much!

[@ljkoh20052000able]

Thank you very much Dr. Olds. And thank you for introducing to me to read Dr. Neff's book on self compassion. There are many exercises there that have been very helpful to my path to healing .

[@AB.926]

Thank you Dr. Much needed.

[@LasVegasSand_s]

What a great video. Thank you so much.

[@a.g.3372]

Great videos, Tori. Very useful content.

[@helgahayencarvajal9856]

Thank you so much for your great videos! they are so helpful. I struggle with self love for sure and as it's true that I am afraid of disagreeing with my partner, cos deep down inside there is a deep fear of loosing his love. at the same time, being with him scares me and I was told by my therapist that I struggle with disorganized attachment. I did a lot of things in the end that sabotaged the relationship because I felt deeply misunderstood by him and often I felt dismissed or invalidated, so that would make me feel very angry and I would shut down, but I often just struggled to feel strong enough to tell him how I felt, because he was also judgemental and would shame me for overreacting (it's been really hard for me to self regulate). now we have separated and he doesn't really want to hear me out, but I am left for the past two years trying to figure out my emotions and the fact that I feel stuck and don't know how I am feeling, often my chest hurts a lot and I have also self doubt and self trust issues, or I am just to guarded and its hard to let go. What can you recommend I do?

[@nextinline8234]

Great video, nice format and easy to listen to and absorb

[@darinsmith2458]

It has been awhile since I watched one of your videos.. I do like the example that you gave with the Inner Child.. I have been working on Love.. It is such a generic term.. I can say that I love chocolate cake or that I love a good glass of wine or I love harmful people.. Where I am at with this and how it relates to IFS is there is something within me that is peaceful or stillness.. If I follow that then my life gets better..

[@martialmusic]

Kristin Neff? Is that the correct spelling of the lady you mentioned?

[@kylemartin985]

can you make a video about memory reconsolidating and somatic experiencing therapy

[@ZenAdjacentTherapy]

Fabulous Share❤

[@Star-dj1kw]

❤❤ EXCELLENT

[@daisyduke5979]

Hi Dr Tori, it's really hard to love myself. I hate myself but my problem is that I project this self hate onto others and feel that other people hate me. I'm a high school teacher and suffer tremendously because I feel that all my students hate me. Have you got any suggestion on how to tackle this painful issue? Thanks

[@xrjx1511]

To me love means "to like a lot" and its opposite hate means "to dislike a lot". Just as liking, loving is not voluntary. What exactly is self-love? Does it mean to like yourself a lot?

[@garrettdyess1110]

I'd imagine that trait neuroticism explains the majority of the variability and outcomes associated with self-compassion scores, but I don't see any research on this published in the literature. Are you aware of any?

[@mikedenver5341]

It's hard to love myself because I suck

[@ahgflyguy]

Damn, mike. I thought you were pretty decent.