Why the Covert Narcissist's Abuse Feels Like Love

In the aftermath of dating a narcissist, you're probably wondering why a covert narcissist's abuse feels like love so much of the time. And does the narcissist love you?
These are INCREDIBLY confusing relationships from start to finish -- and even though many abusive relationships feel like love -- there are reasons why you feel loved by a covert narcissist... even though they aren't actually capable of love.
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*In this video, I share the tips, techniques and insights that have worked for me in my own journey of healing after narcissistic abuse along with expert tips and tools I've learned through years of coaching narcissistic abuse survivors. I am not a therapist and this video is not meant to provide therapy of any form. #narcissist #covertnarcissist

[@CommonEgo]

This is probably the biggest reason why people get so caught up in these relationships. A covert narcissist is an incredibly conflicted person and the result is just plain confusion (and cognitive dissonance). Have you felt this way with a covert narcissist?

[@Sun_Henry_Connie]

Yes. Definately!

[@dianetracey4985]

Common Ego it's so extremely confusing and I felt like he was constantly moving the goalposts and after years I just changed myself to accommodate this toxic person that would just continue the same patterns that I told him would ruin us. It took me 8 years but I finally discarded him only to find out days later that he had been cheating on me for months. Made me sick to think that I wasted all those years with him.

[@CommonEgo]

@@dianetracey4985 your words perfectly describe what it's like to be in a relationship with a covert narcissist. You just want to shake them and say, "why do you keep doing this?" But when we weigh the good and bad, the good sometimes wins out because it feels like love... and that's how we spend years on the rollercoaster. Incredibly thankful we're on the other side ❤🙏

[@brandyletterman5781]

Yes I had a covert one for 8 and a half years I had no idea she was but I found out the very hard way! 22 days with no contact! I am trying to stay strong!

[@CommonEgo]

@@brandyletterman5781 stay strong! This time is the hardest because the trauma bond is still strong, but you can get through. Just remember that there's no hope for happiness with a narcissist. It's sad but true ❤🙏

[@irmadallam2728]

i think, when they give you love and attention in order to get it back from you, and they see how good it feels for you, narcs immediatelly become jelous of your happiness. That is why they have to bring you down right after.

[@jensbasement3862]

Exactly. They are jealous of your shine.

[@dr.dermixgirlmd7479]

100%. They do thoughtful loving acts from a place of wanted adulation and praise. No matter how much to try to show and tell them you appreciate them, it’s never enough. They are always emotionally dumping on you and blaming you for their unhappiness. It is so very exhausting. They gaslight you into feeling that there is something you can do and say to fix their angst, to fix their discontent. There is not.

[@rickie5150]

MAKES TOTAL SENSE... Well Put !!!

[@bereal6590]

Yes yes yes🙋

[@tg.tg1]

😂😂

[@rocwilder85]

This video is spot on! A thing about dating a covert narcissist is that they pose themselves as a highly sensitive person. It becomes confusing because you see that they do care and love you but then, you have to be very very careful with what you say. They don’t take criticism-not even constructive at that-well. They feel that they’re attacked and become defensive and say your faults immediately. I felt like I was walking on egg shells and never good enough for this person. When I tried to communicate about the things that I didn’t feel comfortable about w her, she would get defensive and never admit what she did wrong. Thanks for this vid! Really opened my eyes!

[@TawnaTV]

The worst! Zero accountability and terrible communicators

[@lindsenddddd12345]

EXACTLY!

[@rocwilder85]

@@lindsenddddd12345 even after a year later, it rings true. Glad I posted that to help someone know they’re not alone. And … it’s not your fault!

[@GalickGon]

Brother this is exactly how I felt in my recent relationship

[@Hannah_BananaXO]

My PARENTS! 🥺🥺🥺💯

[@siobhanshipe9118]

It's mind blowing when your eyes finally open. I feel so stupid for allowing someone who I believed "loved" me, to quite literally suck the life out of me....and not care one bit. Will crawl over anyone for their own self gain. Sickening.

[@christianpulisic7784]

siobhan shipe,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!

[@sharonl649]

Same here!

[@siobhanshipe9118]

@@christianpulisic7784, absolutely not!!! It took a lot of self work/ educating myself - I went from heartbreak, to hating him, to indifference. He's the one who has to live with himself and that's punishment enough. Dr. Ramani videos have a lot of great content - recommend!

[@christianpulisic7784]

@@siobhanshipe9118 Oh ok dearest 🌹🌷🌷🥀.I am Christian from the States.You?

[@christianpulisic7784]

@@siobhanshipe9118 Which country are you from?

[@jensbasement3862]

They prize their ego more than anything, and you are just an extension to it. They need you around as a stamp of validation. Basically just to "prove a point" by pretending to love you, but its all empty and fruitless. They are about as emotionally mature as a toddler

[@hearty1240]

On point.

[@annamoehagen3447]

My experience with these folks is that the abuse can be even more subtle. Insults disguised as jokes, humble brags, in conversation, they'll ask just enough reciprocal obvious questions to give the impression they're interested in you, when you have good news to share, they'll say the right thing "Congrats" but you can feel it lacks enthusiasm or genuine happiness for you. Generally, they give you milktoast energy 90% of the time but the good energy for 10% of the time will keep you hooked in.

[@johnsuggs7828]

yup

[@audrabrizendine4799]

The narc doesn’t love actual things about you.. the things that make you you. They might love the way you make them feel but that has nothing to do w you!! This narc I knew asked me why I love him I named a book of reasons!! When I returned the question he actually said I’ll tell you one day🤔🤔🤔 I’m not kidding a year later I posed the same question he said I made HIM feel like a king!! I did things for him no one ever had!! That pissed me off so much because in that moment I knew he didn’t love me and never would he couldn’t even tell me one good thing about myself it was all about him☹️🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻

[@KB-sunnyday]

Audra Brizendine same 🙋‍♀️!

[@skelellele4256]

Audra Brizendine LITERALLY OKAY SO....on my birthday he gave me a card and it just said “thank you for teaching me this and thank you for doing that” nothing about my strength my worth NOTHING ABOUT ME. Total asshole.

[@Brianna-nc3og]

My story was very similar. I asked him why he wanted to be with me. He said because he just wants to. I asked, no, begged him to tell me why he wants to. Crying and snorting, the works. Eventually he said because I kind of make him laugh, I'm kind of a good woman, and he cares about me. This dude didnt give a fuck about me, but will text me in heartbeat saying I love you and care about you.....so much happened in that relationship. I cried A LOT, way more than I should have, and he was there for none of it. He probably saw me as weak....because of what I went through behind him, I cant even fathom getting into another relationship. I want one, but I'm terrified of going through that shit again. It was so hard to escape. That was my first everything, and he fucked it all up....I would love a relationship someday, but right now, my heart is closed.

[@mariaanalum2712]

my experience too. major deflection and avoidance and no gifting of loving mirroring

[@mariaanalum2712]

@@Brianna-nc3og yes too many tears

[@shawnadeyo]

They are master manipulators at making you feel like YOU are the one who caused all the problems. That's why we keep going back. You are my new favorite narc expert!😁😁

[@jensbasement3862]

Their only perceived strength is taking advantage of our ability to self-criticize. These are people who can't take accountability for what they've done, that is why so many people feel WRONGED and blatantly disrespected because the narcissist didn't reciprocate a relationship to begin with.

[@aminaww3446]

Yeah he’s cheated on me emotionally abused me verbally abused the kids done all sorts yet I think somewhere that I’m to blame for the demise of the marriage. My rational mind knows it’s not true but I have this feeling of failure that he instilled in me it’s so hard

[@barbararay1389]

Yes!!❤🌷

[@genedhallinc]

It's helpful reading all the comments, knowing I'm not alone. She's so FAKE NICE to everyone else, and no one knows she isn't the same person behind closed doors. Amazing how in a micro second she can drastically swith personalities, voice change, from nasty resentful to excessively sweet. Sorry, I can't do that. If I'm in a bad way, and you call me, you'll probably detect in my voice, something is wrong. But then again, I'm not FAKE. Ironically she accuses me of what she is guilty of. The things she does good, that are similar to the things I do good, she never projects those onto me. I suspected over over the years that when she was pointing one finger, she had 3 fingers pointing back at herself. When people say something too many times, you start wondering what's up with that?

[@theraven1850]

I was in love with a vision of what she could be, my perfect partner, but sadly not the reality of what she really is. loving her was like watering a dead flower, Hopeless!!!

[@sjwillis1137]

Like wearing a dead flower . Wow . Sadly I can relate to that .😐

[@faithsandstrom3883]

Yes me too.... 9 years!!!

[@theraven1850]

@@faithsandstrom3883 Such a crying shame, you meet what seems to be perfection!! but sadly this is all an illusion.

[@Sheywh12]

@@theraven1850 It’s because they mirror you in the beginning they are exactly what you are the best soul mate you could ever have Years later they don’t like anything you like!! It’s a Mind bomb 💣 !! 30 sad years wasted to learn this hard truth I prayed for years for him to change !!

[@Hannah_BananaXO]

🥺😢

[@regulardude7961]

"The whole relationship is all about pleasing them." That really stuck with me. That's been the story with my dad and myself ever since I can remember. I'm going no contact with the family system as of a couple weeks ago. Intense emotions surfacing right now, but all part of the process. I *can* handle it. I have extended family that I am close to and have a solid community and faith in Jesus, who protects me. God bless you all and may you find Peace.

[@CommonEgo]

Thanks for your comment, and I commend you on your strength. I'm also glad to hear you have family on your side ❤🙏

[@missyk1173]

What’s really confusing is that my narc ex was also a people pleaser. He has traits of that and a lot of narc traits. It confuses me further and makes me think I’m the problem, they’re also playing the victim

[@fredadarlenepowers8837]

He probably is only a people pleaser to gain attention and have people think highly of him. They always have a motive behind anything nice they do for someone.

[@awakeandalive3020]

I fell for it. I disrespected myself and my intuition by staying once the red flags started appearing. I disrespected my child by staying in the relationship after the red flags started appearing. I was "conditioned" after having dealt for many years with my older borderline daughter. These coverts are so damn sneaky... My ex (during hoovering) told me that he "loved the way I loved him". I bet he did, because I did love him, so very much! And I did trust him. (Note the "did" in the previous sentences). I did not love the way he "loved" me, though.

[@GS-st9ns]

Awake and Alive. I fell for it too don't beat yourself up we all fall for it. I didn't even love him, come to think of it. We just learn from it and hopefully never do it again. Peace

[@GS-st9ns]

Awake and Alive. Don't blame yourself we all do it or we all have done it. Be thankful you're done, and move on .peace

[@jensbasement3862]

I fell for the pity ploys as well and felt like I owed this person. I don't owe them anything. They just find people with weak boundaries to manipulate and control. They will always turn serious matters into a joke because they don't care about your feelings. They completely lack true empathy and compassion. Everything will always revolve around them. They have to make it all about them all the time. Its exhausting. They suck the energy in the room

[@santoparfano1910]

I completely get it...

[@awakeandalive3020]

@@jensbasement3862 You nailed it. They do lack true empathy and compassion. The ex questioned my serious concerns regarding his own brother's suicidal state of mind (I had spent two hours the night before talking his brother out of a very dark place indeed) - and tried to use my concern as evidence of the alleged emotional affair I was having wiith his brother. Unbelievable. I told him that I had acted as any normal person would under the circumstances. These people are sick. Just.... sick.

[@summerbiby1496]

It was really hard to realize that I spent 10 years loving deeply and not "being" loved. It was confusing. It took me years after to understand what happened. I'm still healing 8 years later.

[@thewordsage]

It's so messed up. Don't ever stay!

[@audrabrizendine4799]

Damn right you are good enough!! I know one day a good real man is going to love my back rubs and how I care about our house being clean and he’s going to love my personality even how I can be very upfront w my feelings he won’t call me ratchet or too aggressive he’s going to love that he has a strong woman that will never take a shit sandwich from anyone!! And one day a real man is going to love even my flaws and imperfections!!!

[@tropicaoptica]

Why do women (I’m a women) love to tag themselves with the word “strong” and pride themselves in it and being direct and upfront? Those to me are masculine qualities. How about I am a women, I am receptive, adaptive, and always put myself first? (How about a man who loves to give you the back rubs because he’s the man and just getting to be in your presence and give you pleasure is better than any back rub you could give him?... yeah that kind of guy exists, you just have to be the kind of women to attract one). We women have much more power when we utilize our feminine qualities to get what we want. This of course takes mastering our emotions and thinking logically and strategically before reacting, which is essentially mastering our masculine part of us. But being aggressive or ratchet or emotionally reactive to a mans negativity or something you don’t like will get you nowhere with a man. I’m sorry but this dream guy you speak of may exist but be prepared for him to be very feminine natured.

[@skelellele4256]

Audra Brizendine YES!!!!!!

[@victoriac.attorneyatlaw]

I didn't see it because the abuse was THAT subtle... however, when the narc did the discard my friends would say "you seem less stressed and you aren't bitter.." i.e. the feedback was objective.. being in the midst of covert narcs is so confusing! I wish I had known this a year ago, because when the discard and gaslighting was happening I did NOT KNOW what was taking place and it left me reeling. Knowledge is power, and I am gaining more knowledge everyday! Thank you Christina..

[@CommonEgo]

It is confusing!

[@christophernathan7498]

Never have your first "I love you" in a relationship get pushed out. Don't say it because they said it. They are probably trying to pressure you. It is YOUR RIGHT to say "I love you," do not say it until you KNOW.

[@jamesgerboc]

A telltale sign is their inability to be genuinely vulnerable. They will never explain to you how you made them feel. When they "love" you, they "want you in my life." When they dont love you, they just dont say anything or walk away. Theres never a discussion where each of you bares their soul, seeks to understand, and compromises to resolve conflict for the sake of the relationship. You are left guessing and confused. Its funny, looking back, a question I asked early on during the love-bombing stage was, "What is the most important characteristic that you want in an ideal partner?" The answer was for them to be authentic. I was authentic and it was the tool she used to crush my soul.

[@myrahouse2368]

James Gerboc yeh I hear yah they are like nothing you’ve ever experienced before.

[@victoriousjoy9338]

So welll stated and I'm sorry that happened to you!! It's hard to recover from that.... but it's possible.

[@amandasligar9269]

My younger sister is a covert narcissist. All my life I had this insane delusion that since she's my sister she's supposed to love me and care about me. That's complete bullshit no matter who the narc is in your life even if it's family they don't love you.

[@fooled_twice4668]

i have that same insane delusion about my own daughter- "she's supposed to love me and care about me"- but she constantly blames others for all her faults/mistakes and plays the victim card nonstop. i know she had an overt narc dad and was f'd up by him (as was i, his wife) but it's not fair for her to take it out on ME (now that karma caught up with him, my ex-overt narc, he died in his 50's) and make me feel like i OWE her everything- while she plays the learned helplessness card and pretends not to "understand" simple directions, etc. setting boundaries with covert narc kids is CHALLENGING. she often accuses me of playing the "victim" and tells me I'm the narcissist who has ruined her life. ?really?

[@amandasligar9269]

@@fooled_twice4668 seems like they all do that stuff, move on and still having love for them is a whole other issue...take good care 🌬💕

[@juliebarks3195]

My brother is a very dangerous narcissist.

[@Dj17doa]

Damn right when she said “good enough” that hit me so deep because i just got discarded by my cover narc ex. She made me feel like i was walking on eggshells and wasn’t good enough. Along the way i lost myself. Trying to heal from it all but it’s so fucking hard!

[@krisztinasz4503]

Yes, it's very hard, but hold out, there is light at the end of the tunnel. :)

[@candace8200]

Yes, we are not built to live and mourn a person who never existed. It is the hardest thing I have been through and let me tell you, I have been through it. Which troubles me why we are not better informed. I suppose, how could it really be explained when they hide it so well for so many years, not to mention they hide it from anyone who isn't a partner, or children. It's like a dirty secret that society keeps. It's gross.

[@user-wm4je4ct8y]

I assumed anyone who texted me like clockwork every night 7 nights a week and chatted for hours (about him mostly) and continued as he drove, went in stores, went to his best friends house, went to work must like me a lot. He told me everything about himself and his life continually. Yet I know he really did NOT like me much at all. So...why??? Why all the contact, chat, intimate details of his life, so I felt included and knew him so intimately? With someone he didn't even like and at some point after two years told me I was like his grandmother whom he hated??? WTF And like you said the put downs were very subtle but unmistakable. And got more and more frequent.

[@CommonEgo]

You listened and provided a source of supply. For them, the attention is all about supply, but it's confusing because when you apply normal logic, attention = interest in the other person. Applying normal logic to a narcissist is part of what's so maddening about the experience. They dont run on "normal" 😔

[@amandaelm8956]

Omg did we talk to the same person??? Was his name Erick!!😂😂 I know how you feel, I was sooo confused but he had no connection...it’s all a game!

[@gilmourishgilmourish6205]

Same here! Called me 5 times a day, love you .. 10 times a day... called me every evening to wish goodnight... and I stayed for two years and a half. He killed what I felt for him

[@gioovannabp]

Oh, my. It would make more sense if we were all talking to the same person, but since we were not, we can see that this happens unfortunately to a lot of people and it's just soul crushing. Anyone wants to talk?

[@SjofnBM1989]

It's also a way to control you. They know that if you feel obligated to talk to them every night for hours at a time then you can't go out and build/maintain social relationships with other people. The narcissist wants you to rely on them so it's harder for you to leave them.

[@symkoko1776]

CONFUSION is the best way to describe my 9 year relationshit with my ex covert narc

[@bdjordan7879]

You explained the dynamics so well.A covert narc mother, great grandmother, two husbands and more narcs in my life. Married 17 years to essentially a stranger. Healing has been the hardest challenge of my life but more than worth it.

[@adamtobin8132]

Omg thank you so much for your content. I’m in a brutal final discard phase and you’re saving my butt.

[@AMo1-]

Interesting in my case after the love bombing. She would only say I love you after I gave her supply such as compliments, favors, and just satisfying her in general. But never once was it said out of the blue where we were just chilling. I knew something was weird

[@skelellele4256]

XGEN shocks now that I think about it, same.

[@larrywhittemore9362]

Yes mine also..very weird..

[@martytrain]

Mine would always say " i care about you " but never the word " love " so I followed her lead and said likewise, even though it hurt.

[@candace8200]

Wow, same? How come I never noticed? So sad.

[@suzannemaroney4579]

Their words and actions rarely match….they can say “I love you,” yet their fibs are on a totally different planet!!😔🤯

[@aknightofcamelot]

She left me because I wanted to slow thing down. "I love you, I choose you" after 3 weeks? I can't go all in right away. I cooled things off, didn't give her what she needed and now she's with someone else. I think she did me a favor, don't you?

[@lololo-zi5et]

I had the same situation with my ex narc! I told him that it is ridiculous to tell I love your after one month. He felt offended and go back to his ex...

[@aknightofcamelot]

@@lololo-zi5et Guess we're the lucky ones

[@alyscstudjo6909]

I love You, now change! Best warning sign ever

[@pam164]

Omg my ex narc blow hot and cold everyday! loving one day next day cold as ice! And you think what have i done its not you its them.

[@fredadarlenepowers8837]

Yup, like that Katy Perry song "hot & cold". They are such cruel people!!!

[@DC-ul3zz]

I was always told I’m too needy and over sensitive.

[@Healingfromtheroot]

I was focused on my husband but now I see it’s from 33 years in prison. Parents. Scary! I see now that every male and female I’ve met, I re-created my childhood. I’m a social work and focused on Jung but still denied my own deepest truth and pain of a life in a dysfunction family cult. I see now why abuse feels like love. Thank you. Growth ❤️❤️❤️

[@ravenel2]

Yes! But why does it happen? And when does it ever stop?

[@Hannah_BananaXO]

We are awakened and strong! We got this! I’m rooting for you!!! 😇🙏♥️💪💯

[@Hannah_BananaXO]

@@ravenel2 It only stops when you are awakened and realizing the truth of your reality. I believe staying away from them/cutting off contact is the only way if setting boundaries and loving from a distance doesn’t work. 💯

[@marie-chantalecarriere7595]

This is so right ... 33 years of this for me .:.. thank you

[@tanjariggs188]

Yes, it will be 30 for me in oct. Hope to break free before.

[@corianita150]

This is so painful to watch, as this is the relationship I've always had with my mom. and after 27 years it still hurts so deep inside and it's fucked me up in so many ways.

[@tessa8331]

100% they love themselves and they do nice things to make themselves look good and so that you’ll love them. My ex never told me he loved me because he didn’t, but he wanted to make sure it came across that he was the best bf ever and would point out and gloat about all the nice things he did for me. I always expressed appreciation for it so I never knew why he needed to constantly point out the things he did for me. I stayed because those nice things were so sweet and I wanted THAT person back, clearly now I know that time was an act and the rest of the time he was himself.

[@perryegolson833]

"I love me. And I need you to love me too. And I will do whatever it takes in order for you to do that." Holy cow. Mind. blown. That is a covert narcissist in a nutshell. I absolutely love your channel. Could listen to you all day.

[@Cmac1328]

This is so spot on. The love-bombing and devaluation cycle is bewildering.

[@suzannemaroney4579]

Thank you!!! They are freaking confusing!!! The ups and downs were killing me, I’m done.

[@Astharia]

There is one quote of yours I would like to change into. I do not truly believe my lie about myself that I love me. Therefore I need you to love me and reflect that back to me in the hope that I might be able to believe the image I want for myself. Because they see you not as a own person but an extension of themselves.

[@joeb5578]

Very interesting. The whole time she was talking to me and telling me I was special, I just didn't believe her. My intuition kept saying no. I told her outright that I didn't feel that way. I said I'm just a simple man so stop trying to make me something I'm not. Holy crap. My intuition was right all along. But at the same time I felt like she was encouraging me so I let it stay.

[@sharonl649]

You are the first and only person I have come across to explain my situation. The confusion is relentless. The subtlety of of their subtle-ness is mind blowing and hard to figure out… so… more confusion! The stuff that looks like love really is what makes it so difficult to figure out! Thank you so much for sharing this.

[@cristobalhoyo8177]

i am currently dating somebody. watching your videos feels like you are talking about him

[@missbump999]

I recognise and resonate with so much of this, the very insidious subtle nature, the reflection of love rather than actual love, the confusion, the gaslighting, the conditions. I have found as long as you are giving them what they want, as in not asking anything or expecting anything of them and only glorifying them, then you're golden, but when you start calling them out, you are the twisted one, everything is always someone else's fault, even our baby son was blamed and arguing was useless as they could twist you in knots. It is their survival technique. I have a covert Mother and my last long term relationship was with a male form of my covert Mother, so that iI recognise now as being pretty messed up, but I am guessing quite common. On the road to healing, I am glad to find resources like this. Thank you

[@martytrain]

Mine used to always say " you're doubting me " when I began questioning her and if I persisted she would disappear suddenly! Glad its all in the past now.

[@fooled_twice4668]

@@martytrain when my covert tried to Hoover me (for the third time after his THIRD silent treatment to me) i decided to play with him a little, and went grey- rock , but decided to play him and said "it feels good to figure this all out" ... (as i was spending hours each day googling to figure what the hell was happening to me in this CONFUSING and mind-bending "relationship"- learning i had fallen victim to covert narc abuse with the 3 stages all matching up, the gaslighting, the silent treatments, the EVERYTHING all these people who know better than i did are TEACHING me! And as predicted, my vague words of finally "getting" what he was doing to me really ate him up inside, making him ask me "what did you figure out? please share!" which of course i did not- i WILL not give him the pleasure of really knowing what i've figured out. NC all the way! i should have known better, having been married 10 years to an overt narc. i was really a soft target for the covert narc- he even would tell me, "you're a nurturer, a soother. that's why i really like you." i fell for his pity story about having low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, that he was just an introvert, highly sensitive, unable to take criticism. he couldn't tell me about years in his past and would get angry at me if i asked him about them. he never would introduce me to any friends or family. ( i bet now, that they can't stand him, he has no friends, and his family would surely pull me aside and "warn" me so he won't bring girls home anymore!) i thought i could help him improve/get better. i know now it was all a GAME/ROLE PLAY- to get me trying to "help him" and yet have to have "patience" when he needed his "alone" time. i bet now that all those un-deserved "silent treatments" he gave me were just ways to have his "supply" give him time and sex. good riddance, TC! i've been fooled by narcs twice now in my life, never AGAIN!

[@jamiet182]

Thank you! for helping me understand what TRULY. happened to me. No CONTACT! 3 months and I'm so HAPPY.😊

[@25N77]

Decades ago I confessed to her that if I ever found anyone who treated me better, I was leaving. I said this in a very joking manner but then where did my feeling originate?! I also boldly stated that we were not compatible. Why did I feel that way? My gut was talking loudly to me and I didn’t listen. Now, much later in life, I see the challenges I had but never connected the dots. Sadly, way too many years gone and not enough ahead.

[@petekdemircioglu]

Mine did it to me for 20 years and is about to make sure i can never have a Child and a family because im 41

[@petekdemircioglu]

Tried to make me look like the Crazy problem person even to my partners as if anyone in the world is interested in a narcissistic abusive domestically Violent middleeastern man who cant even speak their language

[@petekdemircioglu]

Im also sure he cheated on me but I cant find proof

[@mr.sudsdoctor8323]

This is the best explanation of my relationship with her. 100% accurate and I like how you explain that we don't need them but they need us

[@colouredlioness2199]

Phew!! That made it so clear. They needed to put you on a pedestal or idealization so your admiration is worthy. One wouldnt care abt being idwalized by a person they dont care.

[@happyday3368]

Yup I remember going to a therapist many years ago who asked me, "what do you want in a man" - I spelled it out bit by bit and she said, "That's not what you have - what you have is the opposite of that" - but I bought into what 'he' said our relationship was. Yeah, I was young and dumb. I bought into him even though what he said he was - was not. We all have to learn to listen to our intuition and be very comfortable with being alone. Because my point is, if you like being alone more than you like being with this 'man', then that's your answer. They have to make you feel and show it - that being with them is better than being alone.

[@lizdiaz69]

Wow. Thank you, All you explained in this video is 100% real and exactly how I felt as I kept holding on to the good parts, the parts where he "showed he loved me" for example; hugging and kissing me while I did dishes or cooked, or bring me coffee in the mornings in bed, made my favorite meals. But, it did not outweigh all the horrible things that happened, yet I stayed clinging to the hopes and dreams of the good moments which were not as much as the bad. I have come to terms that my now ex-covert narc trauma bonded me and I awake, thus, making the move to finally move on and walk away without any more pain, attachments, or bond. It's finally over after 2 1/2 years.

[@sheilamurry9875]

He said quite often he was confused...he said I seek attention...I was able to answer accordingly, but I was like "what,huh..."

[@darlenestepp9471]

What love is in a marriage with a Covert Narc, is the most confusing thing.....EVER! Especially when they use the same language, and then you are the "Conditional Lover"....

[@berlyn4444]

This video has been helpful. It's confusing to be raised by someone like this. It's like I can't recognize when people are being jerks in the moment. Sometimes, I'll realize it in retrospect, but other times I won't recognize it until I recall an interaction to my husband and he gets mildly pissy about what was said to me. I think my mom says things like "I love you" and "I miss you", because she wants to hear those things in return. When I realized, the less I see her, the better I feel, I had to stop saying "I miss you too". I honestly don't. It's unfortunate and makes for an uncomfortable exchange, but I'd rather not be a liar.

[@Hannah_BananaXO]

Yesss! 💯 This is my situation right now and I can’t wait to move out… We got this! 😇💪♥️

[@CarlosSuperCute]

Narcissist abuse is like Rough Play for them...

[@KB-sunnyday]

Carlos Paradox 😓😓😓

[@barbararay1389]

Yes!!! They need our love, but it doesn't heal them at all, EVER, NEVER WILL!! Their pretend love is to keep us trapped in their haunted web of despair because when they brings us down, it lifts them up!! Yes, they need us to make them "FEEL" whole, something they will never be! Thanks! Great videos!!❤🌷

[@maggiekaykay1]

Thank you for putting this into words. The reflecting back onto them and the love they feel they deserve. It’s been the most confusing 8 years of my life and im getting out!!

[@michelleparks4582]

Christina, you have no idea how much your understanding and non judgment helps a woman going through this. I have tried for 2 and a 1/2 years please this man and nothing I ever do is good enough. I've said so many times before if he gives you a list of 10 things to do and you do 9 you're a piece of krapp because you didn't do 11.. It's maddening, it's disheartening, and it just plain drains you. Unfortunately, I am still waiting for my enough moment. I still him uncontrollably and undeniably and it pains my heart to think about a future without this man. After 6 divorces, I have no reason to doubt that I would be his 7th. Because no matter what it's always her that's the problem. I've tried to tell him you really common denominator in all of these relationships but he tells me the same. My only defense to that is yes, but I don't have 6 divorces under my belt. In theory, I would love nothing more than to be this man's wife. But the reality of the situation is that it would not end well at all. He is 53 years old and cycles women every 2 to 3 years since he was 20 and we are at that 2 and a 1/2 year mark so it's about time to cycle me and start a new. The problem for him is probably that every other woman has quit on him and left him and done the Gray rock or no contact. I have been in no contact for almost 3 weeks and every day it's a little bit harder yet a little bit more manageable if that makes sense? But I like the other women that gave up my heart keeps telling me not to give up on him because he is a good man hes just not good in relationships. Hes a wonderful friend but he is a horrible son and a horrible boyfriend/husband. He does not cheat at all, But he is horrible to his woman and so many other ways.. And only once in our 2 and a 1/2 years has he slipped and shun the real him out in public. And immediately a girl friend of his asked me what the hell was that? I'm late on and the market I said that? Oh, That was the REAL _______ that y'all never see, yet it's the man I live with every day. But she was flabbergasted by his behavior toward me. I wish I could speak with you 1 on 1 to try to understand your journey and charge again a little more perspective on my own. I'm very thankful that I ran across your KZbin channel. Your information and your messages are very insightful exactly on point, and truly have been a blessing and beneficial to me. I thank you tremendously for Giving of yourself as you do on here.

[@shawnadeyo]

Do they know that they are sick in the head? Do they know that the way they are treating us is not right?

[@karlashmeedavlasta6365]

Your content is very helpful and on point. I met her 5 years ago and this experience made me to be a totally different person. I feel very exhausted, desperate, etc. Little, by very little it's getting better, tho. She is a very controlling person and if I call her out, she plays dumb....etc, etc.

[@alexac5001]

Such a great video! I understand better the toxic relationship I had with my mum as me being the golden child and why it was so painful yet appeared so perfect! Very well explained thanks

[@Hannah_BananaXO]

😇🙏♥️💯

[@aminaww3446]

Thank you so much you literally saved me, you’ve explained what I haven’t found elsewhere! Thank you so much!!!!!

[@Underyourbedeyes]

my ex dumped me after 6 years and I was devastated. He actually contacted me after he found out I was with someone else and said that if I slept with the new guy, he (my ex) would never take me back. So I have this guilt and weird feelings when I was with my new partner. Then he got into my life again and would call and tell me he was thinking we could get back together and that he was reading books about better communication. But he just wanted to ruin the new relationship and when I decided I was going to take him back he pulled away again and said he was done. HE left me feeling like we had just broken up again and ruined my feelings for the new guy. So I started begging and I told him I would give up my collection of shoes which he hated if he'd take me back and he goes "stop telling me you'd give up things you love for me, IT MAKES ME FEEL BAD." holy shit...that's when it really set in. He's a narcissist. He made me feel bad nearly every day with nitpicking, name-calling and then calling me too sensitive. Telling me that if this was different, I'd be better. Id change and it was not enough, and it was something else. During the relationship, he'd look at other girls and say I was crazy and he wasn't and that I was insecure and jealous. But he dumped me many times because he'd say he wasn't sure I was the one. He'd tell me I'd look better with certain hair, or if I lost weight, or if I acted a certain way. He told me I had cellulite. And every girl I saw, I saw as my competition because he made me feel horrible. He'd tell me we could get married and have the life I wanted when he was in a good mood - then a few months later it's like something snapped and he'd say he just said that and he was trying to make me less sad. Or he'd even pretend he never said it. He'd tell me that every nice thing he'd ever said about our future was a lie and dump me. Then take me back and say these things again, and I'd still believe it! Until the final time, he dumped me. I'm so broked and I feel like an empty, sad, anxious person

[@Underyourbedeyes]

@Tiko & tango Tiko & tango I'm so sorry. Cold turkey no contact is the only way

[@daniland7518]

The same thing happened to me, I moved in and met someone else and he came back and ruined my connection with the new guy.

[@g_lopre8918]

Oh how I understand this rollercoaster so well. I hope you’re okay now. I really do.

[@andreeaciobanuc404]

Sometimes he made me feel worthless, not beautiful enough, boring, inferior, making all kinds of grimaces. But then... if he really saw me that way, then why the hell was he constantly staring at me? Why did he approach me and drove me home?

[@sigia5352]

I love how well you explain this covert Narcissism dynamic...so accurate..💯💯💯💯

[@dodorbhanji4187]

I've said this before, I will love saying it again.. Your videos leave me amazed..

[@Hannah_BananaXO]

This video is on point a LIFE SAVER!!! 😇🙏♥️ Let’s all start breaking the cycle! 💯💯💯

[@julianterris]

I'm grateful for these videos, they've helped me to work some things out -and I feel lighter for it. Thank-you.

[@dustinsexton5616]

Wow spot on . You can't solve a problem that there is no solution because it is all madness.

[@G-Sagittastellium]

My narc is a covert narc and this is all very true !

[@CommonEgo]

It's definitely a sad truth. Thanks for your comment 🙏❤

[@raindog8802]

I think your videos are great, Christina. Very articulate summaries of the issues we have all faced being in a relationship with a narcissist. I hope you keep up the good work, and your channel continues to grow in viewership.

[@CommonEgo]

Thank you, Rain Dog! ❤🙏

[@sharongray4074]

Oh yes I spent 34 years with a narcissist, took me along time to wake up!!!

[@solomonasregis]

This is speaking to me. My therapist has helped me see I'm married to a narcissist (and have been together for 17 years). We are going through a peaceful time right now...and I am so uncomfortable when she's acting loving and sweet and AGREEABLE....I just know it's only a matter of time before it goes back...

[@louises6729]

Theirs never been a honeymoon effect ever it’s been escalating abuse and fear Bashed, hospitalised and hated for been me

[@Yoyoprojon]

One of the top experts on Narcissism Dr. Ramani actually states that they can feel and show real empathy. However they choose when that will happen. So I don't full agree that they can't feel and reflect your love. They just choose when to do that. It's a difficult concept to grasp.

[@isabelleparise5607]

I have resisted this and view this as they are not authentic with themself and they need to feel a void in them. What I did is remain authentic but in some other situation it was more about not being codependent with a narc. Great video btw

[@ingevandegehuchte]

The Beauty and the Beast Realm except in Real Life the latter appears like a Human ! Hence their magic tricks to Blind thy Eye and Harden thy Heart attempt to withstand their predatory behavior ...

[@theresekallstrom7008]

Thank you! You are spot on. In therapy now. He's in jail for dv. They will never change. Just get out, if possible. Much luv and God bless 🙌🙏💛

[@estern53]

That is so spot on. I am sorting through the end of a relationship that was on and off for a year. She told me how safe and secure I made her feel in the begging and I would say honey this is what being in a loving relationship was all about. When it ended and actually she never said we were breaking up, she did this before and called it a 'break' when I thought we broke up. She returned my apartment key and when I texted her I had been thinking about her we texted because she did not want a phone call, I think she could not deal with hearing my voice because of the pain I was in. BTY way she cheated on me to pull away. In that last text , exchange I told her I had bonded with her and she said she had with me and said she never felt this way about anyone but was scared and that was why she ran away but did she want to try and talk about it or find a resole, NO. All she was doing I realized was parotting me to keep me. Yes she is most likely seeing someone else like last year and when she has used him up she will be back but now I know what I am dealing with. I am getting stronger day by day.

[@tastedpurple1492]

I've only had two relationships and unfortunately the first one was with someone like this. It all make sense 3 years after the end of the relationship and I'm very confident that if I encounter one again (touchwood) I stay the hell away.

[@liam.4454]

Literally every person I’m close to, close friends and family are probably narcisstic I have no non narcisstic people I can mix with How do people escape?

[@regulardude7961]

build a community of people who make you feel safe. If you are Spiritual, go all in with it as well. You need community, but one that is safe. Pick people one at a time. Don't take on a whole group because there will likely be narcs or unhealthy people that unfortunately you would attract due to your conditioning. Hope this helps. God bless you. Peace.

[@KB-sunnyday]

You have to change you... you are attracting those kind of people! 😓

[@kirsten1007]

I feel the same. Freaking out to.find out ex is covert np

[@blgallas]

I’ve just come to a similar conclusion. What Ive found out (Jesus showed me) is that my dependency (co dependency) on others is the magnet that draws them. Transferring dependency to Jesus is the answer. He’s good and has only good intentions toward us.

[@charleslimebeans7075]

I’m at this pt where I can’t stop thinking about him . It’s like every time I see him I feel repulsed and i want to punch him in the face. I stoped talking to My narc for a month and now he’s hovering . He’s slowly trying to get back into my life and he knows I’m really shy because it took While for me to open up to him at first . Hes briefly starting to talk to me . We work together soo he’s starting to hi to me again . I give the driest responses. Cause he knows I’m hard to open up all he does now for the most part is watch me from a distance . I just hate that I still have this deep desire to be physically intimate with him . Im literally fighting against my own carnal instinct. This sooo hard but I will get through this . You’re videos have have been very helpful . THANK YOU SO MUCH 🖤💕

[@charleslimebeans7075]

Your videos *^ my fault lol

[@dianavaleriaandres4631]

The descrption of the relationship with my mother. Excellent. I also understand now why my brother ended up committing suicide.

[@bobbiedangette7649]

Trying to make yourself good enough for a narc,, but not so good as to find yourself as the center of attention, or being recognized for doing anything the narc has never accomplished.

[@safourasalami]

One of your best videos .. Everytime I told her and I meant it that I'm leaving .. she cried and cried .. and told me " please please.. I've not done anything wrong .. I l♡ve you .. please don't let me .. Nobody Will Love ME as You Did !!! " 😨

[@CommonEgo]

Thank you! You're always "the best ever" when a covert narcissist is idealizing you. If there's abuse, dont fall for it! 🙏❤

[@safourasalami]

@@CommonEgo You are right .. The whole 7 years of the relationship she was either flattering me or made me sick!!!

[@pam1557]

First off Cristina, I want to thank you so much. I am so glad that I found your videos I really am. You really provide a lot of food for thought to help an individual navigate a relationship with a narcissist. Your videos also help those in a relationship with someone such as a narcissist to rethink the relationship, to rethink their thought processes and why they continue to stay in the relationship. I cannot thank you enough for these and the service that you are rendering for so so many people out there! Please keep it up. If you ever do a podcast which I guess is videos of sort of like a podcast; but if you do, please advertise how we can link to it? Again Thank you!

[@foothillgirl7989]

This is the video i needed to change my life.

[@alyissaaragon6943]

You can do it. Just think how much better you'll feel. They can't hurt you anymore

[@ytfeverguy8367]

She was a covert but I didn't know it at the time. I cheated in response to her subtle abuse and don't regret it. But I miss her. Living in discard phase not fun.

[@wendykraf8348]

This does not always apply to romantic relationships but many times can be family members.

[@alisonwraight2020]

This is so true for my present situation. I am trying to please someone but am never "good enough". I have got away and am staying with my mum, but my stuff is mostly still at his place. I am trying to keep things amicable so I can get it all back. 😕

[@skymeadow7762]

Ugh gurl, I finally left but he's in my face everyday and it's really confusing

[@masterblogger1crucialtimes838]

I really needed to hear this tonight, Thank You.

[@joannelock8883]

A lot of this rings true with me and my ex partner. Only thing that confuses me is the grandiosity part. My ex did not see himself as special I don’t think. It’s almost like he absolutely detested himself. I guess reflecting back, part of him was arrogant, extremely opinionated and judgemental. But I saw this as a defence mechanism. When his cheating was exposed, it’s almost like his defences had fallen away and he couldn’t bear what people thought Of him (turned out he was a serial cheater but he’d never properly been found out before. He’d managed to manipulate everyone previously). My ex also was incredibly loving, attentive, he seemed to build me up etc but after the cheating that’s when the proper emotional abuse started. It felt like he loved me but would spend hours bullying me and trying to isolate myself but also seemed incredibly vulnerable and appeared to be very entrenched in the victim role of an actual trauma that happened to him over 10 years previously. I managed to break free but the healing is hard 😔

[@morganpetty5438]

Same situation with my ex, still healing and it’s been over a year

[@jamesgerboc]

Wow. So many beautiful words connected in a unique way creating some very interesting concepts. Wonderful explanation.

[@KBHA436]

You said EXACTLY what happened in my 30 year marriage Now I understand why the marriage fell apart its wasn't me.it wasn't my fault. I married a covert narcissist I loved a lie

[@CommonEgo]

I'm sorry to hear that, but I hope you find comfort in learning about the disorder. It definitely helped for me 🙏❤

[@Dragonfly_magictarot]

I remember I had a photo my little 3 year old took with my phone. he had just made a devaluing comment to me and my little one caught that moment of confusion on my face on camera. I remembered that moment and I was glad i was able to see my confused face. He would say i didn't have patience. Lol. (My friends say i had too much patience) looking back at that photo in my memory, only validates me more.. you said "its confusing," and it is. .. very much so, cause 2 minutes later, they love you again. And you're like...wtf? And that's the expression I had on my face.

[@jerseygurlinmaryland]

Good video. Defining overt vs covert narcissist would be good to add.

[@2007cgarza]

I was isolated in hindsight and see this now.

[@gigizuzu8479]

I truly realised the conditional nature of his love when we got to the point that I wanted a divorce and he assured me that he'd do everything to make my life a living hell if I were to divorce him. We'll, I didn't. And he still obsessively loves me. But I still to this day thinking about it, that if you really love someone, you wouldn't hurt them even if they don't want you anymore. Threatening someone and forcing them somehow to stay with you cannot be love, right? But he really loves me, this is how love looks like to him. Since then it's never been that bad but I still have this uneasy feeling that if I don't show him love, or I turn away from him emotionally (grey rock) then he punishes me or turns against me.

[@Someoneoutthere67]

Thank you for this incredible video and knowledge associated with it. You are describing my former relationship. It always seemed conditional. Again not sure if the individual is a narcissist.

[@QW-wq5zu]

1:36 that's what I discovered later after the damage happened

[@amyd1549]

You are so spot on!!!!

[@Sun_Henry_Connie]

This is a GREAT video!!

[@CommonEgo]

Thank you! ❤🙏