Why we fell for the Narcissist - And why we couldn't stop the abuse

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

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[@amyd1549]

You are right Ian. We "the good and kind people" are always targets for the evil and manipulative ones...I know for me, when I look in the mirror, thought I have been hurt, I am proud of who I am. Just as I am and NO one will take that away.

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

How are things going with you Amy? Are you holding up well?

[@amyd1549]

I am doing well, get to go back to work and working hard on no/little contact as the divorce process moves. He's full narc hatred right now, but I stay focused, only email and dream of a calm life even if that's forever alone. Keep up the good work Ian. It matters.

[@seriouslyjoking2]

My mother was the first Narcissistic relationship...so, I was primed for another as an adult. I rebelled against her & I rebelled against my lover.

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

I don't envy having a narcissistic parent. I've seen the abuse first hand, and think that bond is a very difficult one to break. I hope you are managing well.

[@seriouslyjoking2]

@@midlifemeltdown9028 Luckily, I am rebellious. It carried on into adulthood, but then I went into therapy. She (my therapist) was my second mother. She helped me mature. Thank you.

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

Glad to hear you found someone able to help. It's amazing how much one person can change your life for better or worse.

[@seriouslyjoking2]

@@midlifemeltdown9028 I made a conscious choice to not allow these people to destroy me or bring out the worst in me by retaliating. It does take only one person...Me, myself & I

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

@@seriouslyjoking2 Amen to that!

[@KatesTake]

We were part of the dysfunction. I also recognized coming out of the relationship, that I was a people pleaser and I think it was partly because I did not want to offend people, but also because I wanted people to like me. I don't have the need to be liked anymore, I realized people who like you will like you regardless, and not everyone will like you in life and it's okay. I am now honoring myself and not doing things I don't care to do just so as not to make someone else feel bad. I have also accepted that I cannot please everyone and that is okay too as long as I stay true to my values and respect and treat others with kindness. I have also lost my innocence, easy going way after becoming aware of the fact that there are wounded people like these who are skilled liars and manipulators and I've accepted I never would have believed it had I not experienced it first hand.

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

Just try not to go too far the other way and start to distrust everyone:)

[@MrSuperbluesky]

Me too

[@TheAlchemistDavid]

Same here.

[@mymy1646]

I relate to these qualities a lot. It definitely makes you suspectible to abuse.

[@overimagination2812]

My narc was my mother, you are giving me encouragement to get back online making videos on my narc channel or a new one... its been five years...never gonna be the same that's for sure but I feel much stronger, more like a man than a child. Love your videos, keep em up whenever you feel the need.I did that with everyone I knew before CPTSD, now I know better.. that I do no know better.

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

Glad they are having a positive influence. And I know completely what you mean about feeling more like a man than a child. It's a bit embaressing to admit that even at 40 I had a lot of childish traits that I wasn't aware of.

[@TheAlchemistDavid]

💯 relatable. I have found that the narc abuse has become a blessing. Now I’m able to spot abusive friend and bosses and I’m able to take a stand much faster and strongly, whereas before I would’ve been a blind to it. I’ve actually been a nice guy, although never in a million years would I have agreed that I was mr people pleaser, nice guy.

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

Glad to hear you have been able to find a positive.

[@TheAlchemistDavid]

@@midlifemeltdown9028 Yes man. Thanks for sharing with us

[@kathyt.8822]

Thank you so much for sharing this...I understand having difficult conversations....I have tried to explain it to people....I would rather feel the pain of the truth than live a lie. It doesnt win you any awards. But deep calls to deep. Thanks again for being able to be transparent. Best to you.

[@terremulier8719]

This is really helpful, thank you for your honesty and authenticity!

[@jcbrailsford]

Powerful insight. I see similar qualities in myself that haven’t served me well. I’m finally learning to see myself and show up that way, and videos like this help. Thank you.

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

Glad you are finding them useful John, and glad to hear you are making progress.

[@WriterNinja]

These have been some of the best videos that have helped me begin to write/journal and reflect on the experience. Thank you for the creation of this video, and the bravery this takes to put this out here. Thank you so much.

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

No problem, and thank you for the kind words. I hope you are in a good place and heading in the right direction. These things are difficult, but I can attest that life feels a lot different once you push through it.

[@WriterNinja]

@@midlifemeltdown9028 means so much to see this. I am thankfully almost on the other side, and in the process of healing. Your channel has been a beautiful resource for me and others. Thank you for your work, effort, sharing and time.

[@martytrain]

That was indeed a very informative video. I have wondered how on earth someone could be in an NPD relationship for so long when my own lasted only about a year and a half. Unlike you I pushed back a couple of times and got discarded and then hoovered back. But when she blatantly abused me and I pushed back and let her know I knew who she was, she did the final discard. It took over 6 months to get over it but no contact has help fix it plus finding out about this disorder. Your honesty is sincere and very helpful, thanks.

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

The further away I get from it, the more I realise my own deficiencies kept me in for so long. Not to take any blame away from my ex, but I could have dealt with it much better.

[@hawthornetree646]

This is very interesting.

[@rudy2978]

"Wearing all black, mourning the death of who I was. She killed me in that house.I am a ghost wandering the limbo, confused and in despair and she is... but a vague memory. What is real? Who am I?". That part is never coming back, not after knowing that we are partly responsible for it happening, meaning, we never went to therapy when we should've. How could we know what we did not know? It was necessary I supose, perhaps deserved. Who knows? The only hope left in me is that karma exists and it's ruthless.

[@lunette4518]

Why me? What was wrong with me? Society told me in my best years, that i was charming, great... For what? For being a people pleaser, giving much more than taking. I was not trained to deal with conflicts. I could not speak out my needs. I was told, to hide, that we were poorer than the other families. As a very little girl I was not able to tell my parents about the nasty things my uncle did with me. I could not speak out. I just cried terrible when I was told to visit him. And I had to go. So I was coined for the narcistic abuse. So my therapy is to speak out. To learn to speak out. Not hiding. Create bounderies. Look for myself. I become Stronger. I thing, I was so naiv. So unbelivable naiv. Perhaps it was also arrogant to believe the love bombing strategy.

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

It's interesting that you mention arrogance in your last statement. I question my own arrogance constantly as I always believed I though I was doing what was best for my ex. That kept me trapped for years, but I do feel like it's a slightly arrogant perspective, but I don't mean it to be.

[@hawthornetree646]

I wish the nice people could just find each other, I know Im being simplistic, but I just wish the givers could find each other.

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

I think a lot of the time they do. The problem is sometime people present as nice when they aren't.

[@hawthornetree646]

@@midlifemeltdown9028 yes, indeed.

[@user-ee5om8wy7u]

But that's what narcissists do - play games and manipulate instead of communicating straight. You say you are codependent, but I see a lot of narcissistic traits in your acts. Saying "yes", and then ignoring and avoiding person is exactly like the silent treatment. Ignoring someone/not communicating IS HURTFUL and IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE. It's all about YOU (you avoiding the discomfort for yourself, COMPLETELY DISREGARDING THE FACT THAT IT HURTS THE OTHER PERSON). And narcissists don't think about how their actions hurt others - they only think about what's easier for them personally. And it is always easier (and personally more convenient) to totally ignore a person than to have an honest conversation. Codependents are no less abusive to their children. They neglect their own children and allow them to be abused for the sake of keeping their narcissistic partner. Either way, both are equally dangerous and not healthy for anyone (codependents AND narcissists).

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

I think the poind I've always tried to make in my videos, is it takes two people with equal issues to maintain a toxic relationship. However, I don't think my actions were deliberately abusive towards my ex, nor do I think I've been abusive to a partner before or since.

[@MC-pn5ed]

I can attest to sometimes giving it right back deliberately or not lol ...I also picked up behaviors I wasn't aware of I was doing to close relationships and I wasn't before...I think to be with a toxic person you need to be toxic yourself... there are only saints equipped to deal with these demons and that's what they're called saints lol ... Shaming ppl is also toxic lol .. we're all toxic people, it's what you do when you find out what you are, who you are and where you're going...keek it moving

[@dimar7641]

It took you more than 9 minutes before the content became relevant to the title.

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

What's your point?

[@dimar7641]

@@midlifemeltdown9028 Goodness sake..... read it again!

[@midlifemeltdown9028]

@@dimar7641 I've read it already, I just don't understand what your point is,. Is there an unwritten rule that I have to hit certain time targets when making videos? Or are you possibly just being overly critical about a video that someone put out there for free, with good intention, that you have a choice to watch or not watch as you please?