Will I Ever Recover My Passion?

[@kathleenneff]

I miss me. 💔 I know I will feel connection to my passion again. I know it.

[@morgan6468]

I bet it feels amazing to have your passions return full force after walking through the valley of the shadow of death. I’m ready.

[@philosophicalfishing]

It does feel good. I don’t take it for granted. You’re getting there too, Morgan. ❤️‍🩹

[@sarahmkate84]

Getting out in nature helps

[@Rounder-One]

Thanks, Dan. My "journey" has been remarkably similar to yours. Finally, after 6 years, after gradual improvements and setbacks, I finally feel much more normal and can partake in some of the joys of living. But, oh, what a massively difficult waiting period to become yourself again, right? One day at a time, living only on faith that you are getting better and one day will return to the world. Understanding the process is key, which gives you hope and patience to weather it through. Thanks for all your great videos and wisdom. I am sure you are helping so many understand this with your guidance.

[@philosophicalfishing]

Yes! You described it perfectly. I’m so glad you’re seeing the beauty of recovery from this. One day at a time.

[@MattRinehart-e4e]

Dan is it normal to feel like your nerves are on fire all the time ? I can just feel my body being damaged by the tapering .

[@jaimemelendez8029]

Just curious how long were you on meds?

[@MattRinehart-e4e]

@@jaimemelendez8029 3 years klonopin

[@MattRinehart-e4e]

@@jaimemelendez8029 3 years klonopin

[@kendallbaum7908]

Thank you for another beautiful, inspiring video, Dan. I recently found your channel so I apologize for leaving so many comments but I am so moved by how you have taken such a long painful journey and made it into something so profound and beautiful so that others may have hope and heal. I am in protracted withdrawal. I am very afraid but I do have windows for which I am deeply grateful. I have shown many videos to my husband so that he can better understand what has happened. He has been especially moved by your authenticity, humility, vulnerability and kindness. Thank you, Dan

[@philosophicalfishing]

Keep going. It gets better. The windows are small glimpses. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹🙂

[@carolinecroft7029]

You describe my symptoms perfectly. These meds are devastating 😢

[@philosophicalfishing]

I’m sorry that you identify. I wish nobody would have to go through this, even though it helps to understand each others and validate our symptoms.❤️‍🩹

[@jimferrill1790]

Hi Dan! I too experienced an epiphany when I walked out of my house after 5 1/2 mths of agoraphobia and felt the breeze and the sun. It was so wonderful. That feeling is gone now but I can still feel the joy in a rainy day. Lately after 8 mths now off the drugs, I’m having very painful muscle cramps. My diaphragm cramps whenever I bend over. Ugh! I know it’s just a phase as all these things change over a short period of time. It might be 3 weeks or more, but it does change and get better. I just have to wait. Thanks for the video. Your service to it community is essential. Thanks for being there. Jim

[@philosophicalfishing]

Thank so much and I wish you continued healing, Jim! ✌🏻

[@taraard6813]

I have had the diaphragm issues since month 1 and still have it a year off. Is it hard for you to breath?

[@jimferrill1790]

@@taraard6813 I find the gulping of air and the inability to breathe have left me. That condition has been gone now for a good 2 months? It's hard to remember. Do you know what I mean? When I had Benzo Belly at it's peak it was agonizing. I couldn't eat more than 4 bites of food and even then I would get gassy and it would push up into my diaphram making me very uncomfortable to say the least. I am now experiencing newly minted anxiety in a very bad way. It went away yesterday and today but is back a bit today. I am very afraid I will go insane like I was during my withdrawal. That was a nightmare. So, in essence, I'm having anxiety about having anxiety! UGH! You've been off for a year. How do you feel? Are you ok now? Are you back to normal? I was in the best shape of my life last May before I began this journey. By Nov I was in the worse shape of my life! I rejoined the gym on Nov 8th and have missed a total of three days since signing up. I am back in good form but this anxiety is killing me. Great luck to you. Jim

[@taraard6813]

@@jimferrill1790 I'm still pretty much tied to the bed..if my diaphragm would relax and let me breath I would be doing better. Far from back to normal. I pray you get relief from anxiety 🙏

[@bobbobarino6213]

Let's get it Jim there's no time like the present. I am ready been off 1 1/2 years it's the time to crank it. Been close a couple times I think this one coming is different. The real healing is coming

[@daniellendestiny]

Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you so much for being here. My story is a lot similar and I want to learn to help people I lost two years of my life trying different medication to deal with the loss of my parents both died and the loss of my marriage my husband leftme for another woman! But I didn’t drink and I didn’t use, but I felt so dead inside. I’m coming out of it and I think you so much for being transparent with us.❤

[@paulafisher7124]

Thanks for another great video, Dan! I think for some of us it’s so hard to remember what normal is because the journey has been so long. I question all the time how the “old me” would have felt in certain situations. I can’t remember what normal feels like. Hopefully as time goes on, I will recover my normal.

[@philosophicalfishing]

Yup, that’s exactly right. Took me a long time to figure out what “normal” was for any given situation. Always great to hear from you, Paula! ❤️✌🏻

[@jimferrill1790]

I'm finding in reflection of my life that I would be different no matter if I was on the benzos or not. Everything changes. Everything. Heard a great life pro tip today. When ever you're in any situation, try to think you're in a time machine. You are 80 and this is a trip you are on. How would you treat the situation as if you came back from the future and this is the only chance you have to visit a person who is in front of you. With this mindset, you don't take anything for granted but relish and enjoy the moment with a new perspective. Great luck to you Jim

[@paulafisher7124]

Good advice!

[@Gonzo-GT]

Thanks Dan. I never lost hope for recovery, but I lost my passion too many years ago. I only realized recently. I think it's related to loosing meaning in my life, something that happened to me because of the toxic and meaningless psychiatric meaning framework that was imposed to me and that I believed in for years trying to find answers, knowledge and solutions to my life issues. Awakening from that scam and deception has been extremely difficult and painful but at the end of the day psychiatry wasn't able to take away my spirit. The spirit and passion are there, they always have been, it's a matter of recovering them, to bring them back to the surface under so much confusion and the many layers of trauma and oppression. Withdrawal can be much more than just a list of physical and psychological symptoms.

[@philosophicalfishing]

Yes, you’re so right. Thank you for the suggestion for this video.✌🏻

[@Gonzo-GT]

@@philosophicalfishing Thanks Dan. Validation can do wonders to speed up the recovery process, I learned that very recently. If you don't mind to hear another suggestion... Recovering meaning and purpose is very important for recovery, because psychiatry and its meaningless toxic meaning framework says that there is no meaning behind pathologized behaviors, thoughts, feelings, reactions, etc, and we are designed to search for meaning, that's how people always have recovered from traumas and life difficulties, finding meaning and purpose, specially with others, so when the meaning making process is blocked and we are oppressed and alienated, disconnected, not being able to understand and communicate our experiences, true recovery can not happen as well. So yeah, a video talking about all that would be very welcomed.

[@juliehatton1961]

Keep playing Dan! Get that guitar and play for us sometime 😊.

[@philosophicalfishing]

Thank Julie! I will one of these days.

[@juliehatton1961]

@@philosophicalfishing and the name of the song will be…The Struggle is Real but we will Heal.

[@philosophicalfishing]

@@juliehatton1961 🙌🏻 yes!

[@juliehatton1961]

@@philosophicalfishing let’s get those TShirts made up!!! I’ll be a rodie for you lol

[@trueblue450]

Probably the worst part of the journey, is getting that window of bliss and then it getting ripped away again back into that wave. Thanks for the inspirations

[@philosophicalfishing]

I agree with you! It’s so discouraging.

[@jimferrill1790]

I'm in my second wave of nausea and sickness along with the muscle cramping. I am 8 months off the drugs. I swear I am not getting better and then I remember back to even 2 months ago and realize I am getting much better. I am able to live life again. How about you?

[@sarahmkate84]

Yes that's what I struggle with 😢 I had the best window not long ago now thrown into another wave

[@thorinrobertson2648]

Dan I had all these same feelings you’re describing as part of your spiritual awakening. I had it for quite a long time while I held my dose and healed. But I slowly lost it after restarting my taper. Have you felt like you lost that love for others and ability to see such beauty in the world and then got it back? I really miss some of those deep feelings of how beautiful people and the world can be.

[@Snowflake1374]

Same.

[@thorinrobertson2648]

@@Snowflake1374 I hope we get it back. Let me know if you do….

[@LanceJones-mh7tz]

You’re one of the best out there Dan. Even though I know mine is permanent now, I still watch your videos because I like seeing somebody who recovered from this.

[@Waves353]

It is not permanent I know it feels like it Soul evisceration Somehow we need to believe others who made it through despite feeling the same

[@Jesselless]

Our bodies want to heal and know exactly how to do it. You will heal. It just takes time.

[@LanceJones-mh7tz]

@@Jesselless I used to believe that. But not so much anymore. I still hope but I don’t believe

[@planetnone24]

Thanks for sharing brother! I have my own channel that I been wanting to use to document my journey on this 16 month taper off Valium. Just dropped from 4 to 3.5 mg and finally feeling better after 10 days. You inspire me when I was too sick to post videos all last year. This year I'm joining the team and I'm spreading the word to my own community exposing the truth of the poison that we've been given. I'd love to catch up with you and learn how you became the coach because that too is going to be my calling once I'm fully healed or I guess off. Keep up the good work brother. Will be in touch. Your videos are very great to know that I'm not alone, which is what I'm doing now to others. Together we will win!🎉🙌🆓

[@philosophicalfishing]

Yes! Keep going my friend, and thank you for the kind words. ❤️✌🏻

[@stonecoldkramer567]

Benzodiazepine use and abuse and tolerance and dependence is a whole other monster to face when the time comes. Stay strong my fellow humans.

[@gracegrace1896]

Dan, I’m stuck in no passion. No one understands that I want back in life but I’m not able. I’m tapering and I can’t even get up many days. I cannot work or walk or even organize thoughts in my brain. This is just existing and almost every night I fight wanting to just die already. It’s an awful way to live

[@jimferrill1790]

You're going to be ok! Just keep fighting. Do not give into intrusive thoughts. I too thought the way you are now. I overcame it. You will too. Talk to a family member or friend. Do it often. I'm praying for you.

[@jimferrill1790]

I think you could greatly benefit from talking to Dan on the phone. His rates are very competitive, and in fact are very cheap, considering the expertise, the wisdom, and the compassion Dan brings. It’s hard to find out the doctor that’s for sure.

[@gracegrace1896]

@@jimferrill1790 thank you. Most everyone in my life does not understand

[@bobbobarino6213]

I am in survival/living mode rotating back and forth sometimes. Getting back to work has helped but it's time to get my fitness back. Only way to find my passions again is to make it happen no more talking just doing. It's time folks there comes a time when I can no longer sit around waiting for things to get better, I have to make it happen. I can't wait any longer it's time to start golfing, working out, surfing and getting my fitness back. Rebuilding my BDNF and neurotransmitters thru exercise. I am ready to heal I can feel it again and see it. The only thing left is to do it. Find Your Passion Bob Bobarino

[@jimferrill1790]

I rejoined a gym after 6 months off the drugs. Prior to that I just could not do anything. You need to get back to it. If anything it will give you something to focus on. You are ready! Go man go!

[@bobbobarino6213]

@@jimferrill1790 tx man appreciate that something clicked finally for me it's time to do no more hoping waiting to heal.

[@jimferrill1790]

@@bobbobarino6213 When I went back to the gym on Nov 8th I told the guy who I knew that I was experiencing super high anxiety among other things. He said he couldn't tell. He told me to just keep doing what I was doing because no one could tell. Fake it till you make it? I guess. It's been nearly 80 training sessions since. I train myself in case you're confused. I've been lifting for 4 decades and know quite a bit. You're going to be ok! Get back in the gym!

[@donna6165]

Heard a saying that I find to be a helpful and comforting mantra: “ Grateful when it’s easy. Graceful when it’s not.” Sending Everyone hope and strength. Dan, you better serenade us 🎸 one of these days. No pressure, lol 😅😆 As you know, after 13 years of classical Piano lessons and devotion, that I attempted to return to and failed at over and over again in these last 5 years of healing; I have finally-finally-sat down at the ivories. And opened Book 1: For Beginners. 🎹🎣❤️‍🩹🙏🏻

[@bobbobarino6213]

Donna Awesome

[@jimferrill1790]

Oh, that's solid!

[@philosophicalfishing]

Yes! I love this for you!!🙏🏻

[@bobbobarino6213]

Donna I hope you are well. I miss hearing from you. Yoga, Piano being awesome and much more.

[@bobbobarino6213]

Donna was just thinking about you and hope all is well. I am getting there can you believe it.

[@LubbyDee123]

I feel sparks of joy but it's no zeal for life. I currently take injections of risperidone but I don't want to take meds no more but it's hard.

[@lukecorkery4507]

Good video Dan, ya I think it was covered I can’t remember what my passion was living in the life for ages. But nearly 2 years in I’m still living hour by hour , people think I’m ok because I got my weight back and everything but I was 12 the last time I lived without any substance, now 8 years free off alcohol and drugs I became somewhat normal until the benzos got out off control and now living in recovery it kills me everything else I came off was no problem but this is on another level I rarely feel passion. Maybe sometimes i appreciate my car if I go for a drive or if I’m ok to watch boxing on a Saturday night , simple things. I have no ambition to do anything but from watching your videos and talking to you it saved me from thinking is this as good as it will get. Now I have accepted this will take a long time and I do my best with my wife and kids and keep my circle small , I used to be someone who couldn’t be alone I always wanted to be out or doing something and now that is gone but I have hope from listening to you that part off me will come back.keep it up Dan

[@philosophicalfishing]

Your story is incredible, Luke. You’re such a warrior man.

[@jimferrill1790]

You're going to be ok man. Just keep on with what you're doing. I'm 8 months free of the drugs after taking 20 ml of val for 15 years. I don't feel 100%. Maybe 85.

[@Martinez1983]

Thanks Dan.

[@philosophicalfishing]

✌🏻❤️

[@gracegrace1896]

I’m just existing. It’s awful

[@donna6165]

Something is beating your heart, Grace. Barely breathing, feeling too much or too little, simply tolerating your Life right now? I remember all of it; it was horrific and debilitating and lonely and scary. It is also temporary. The Other Side of This? It is a wondrous, peaceful and powerful space to live, love and be helpful in; you are worth it. Here is a hug accompanied by some extra strength and patience and love to you. Keep going. 🎣 ❤️‍🩹 🙏🏻

[@gracegrace1896]

@@donna6165 thank you

[@sarahmkate84]

I'm sending you strength and prayers I know the struggle

[@sarahmkate84]

​@@donna6165thank you for giving hope

[@Snowflake1374]

Same. No life, just existing.

[@MattRinehart-e4e]

Is numbness of your body or texture of things normal too ?

[@brendamalone3880]

Numbness and feeling strange textures for me is almost an every day thing. My skin feels like fishing net, my hair feels like painful daggers, even taking a shower or bath is just as painful and unreal. And the list goes on. Two years off Kolonipin. And Dan you are such an inspiration for all of us. Your words mean and bring comfort. Thank you.

[@MattRinehart-e4e]

@@brendamalone3880 2 years off and still numbness ??

[@jimferrill1790]

Brenda, I know exactly what you’re talking about. For me, this was terrible. Wiping my hands off on a towel was almost too much. Taking a shower was too much. Washing the dishes was too much. I didn’t shower for two weeks at one point. The fact that I would put my dog would almost send me into a tailspin. he’s such a good boy and I found myself distancing him from me. That was really difficult. I am back to my old self as far as . The bottoms of my feet tingle, even now a little bit. I could sometimes get through a day without them doing that, but not often. At least, my restless leg syndrome has gone away along with the acathisia. That was nightmarish. I had akathesia for 5 1/2 months but it’s gone. Been gone for quite a long time now. Just hang in there because things will change. Tingling numbness, and the weird texture of things will go away after about five months. That’s how long it took for me anyway. Great luck to you.

[@MattRinehart-e4e]

@@jimferrill1790 I’m having all these things you mentioned and it feels horrible !! Unbearable

[@jimferrill1790]

@@MattRinehart-e4e Are they continuous? Like all the time? I found that spending my hours in my bed, covered up, in the dark with the shades drawn to be my way to go. Some say it isn't, and that you need to get out etc. I didn't do my time that way and am glad I didn't. IMO, we're just doing time like a prison. You've been off k for a long time. I don't know much about that stuff. Only about valium. Apparently K is a much harder withdrawal. I hate these doctors that just cut people loose with no sympathy. I have seen on yootoob where there are docs that can help you. You need to find a sympathetic ear. Once you do, they could guide you in a more gentle way. I don't think you have to go through withdrawal in the way you're doing. I could be wrong. My way was pretty painful and continues to be painful but I know every so often I get a win and things change for the better. When was the last time you had a win as in, improvement? Mine came two days ago when the absolute immense pain of being jittery and jumpy and just that feeling of something inside of me wanting to get out went away for the most part. It's still hanging around but nearly gone. I just reflected that during my withdrawal I could not sit still (akathesia) long enough to type anything on a computer. I couldn't watch tv, use a computer, read a book. I had to keep moving. It was hell on earth. And then about 5 1/2 months in, it went away and I could sit at length. What!?

[@MattRinehart-e4e]

Dan my phyciatrist switched me from klonopin to Ativan and tapered quick off Ativan In 3 weeks using Ativan to cross taper . It isn’t working at all . My emotions are everywhere. Extreme DPDR and feel like I’m going mad . I’ve had mental breakdowns in the last week and I reached out he won’t help . I said this ain’t working. I had to quit my job and everything I can’t function . Any ideas what I should do . This is awful

[@philosophicalfishing]

That’s an extremely fast taper.

[@MattRinehart-e4e]

@@philosophicalfishing and I’m really in a bad state I begged him I said this isn’t working I lost my job and I can’t function I’m extremely sensitive and totally feel out of control with emotions . Severe depression . I told him this isn’t working and he just shrugged me off like he don’t believe me ..

[@MattRinehart-e4e]

Extreme headaches to where my feels like it’s exploding off . DPdR is so severe . With klonopin everywhere was under control . I was doing the aston taper with klonopin he switched me to Ativan and is taking me off thinking the taper is done . It’s not . I’m so lost

[@jimferrill1790]

Needless to say, I think you need to find another doctor. They are very hard to find ones that are compassionate that is. A lot of them just rip you off the medication. my doctor said do one week or 5 mg, one week of 2.5 mg and then off. He had me on Valium up to 20 mg a day, for 15 years. That’s not nearly long of taper. Sound like you’re at your wits end. I wish I could step in and advocate for you as a doctor, but I just don’t know any. I did my taper on my own. I had a bottle of 90, 10 mg Valium tablets. I knew I could do it with this amount and did. Try to find another doctor.

[@Uma921]

Dan, did you experience derealization/dissociation? Where you just don’t feel “right” or normal or like things aren’t real… if so, how long did it last?

[@jimferrill1790]

I'm not Dan but I felt what you're feeling. It lasted about 3 months. Just like the akathesia and the agoraphobia. About 3 months. Give yourself time! You are going to be ok!

[@Uma921]

Thank you so much for the reply, Jim. It was really kind of you to take the time to reply. My akathisia has gone! I’ve luckily never had agoraphobia, but the dissociation/DPDR is going on 18 months now :( I’m hoping I get a break from it eventually. I’m hoping you are either recovered or well on your way!

[@jimferrill1790]

I was trying to explain to my wife, how unrelenting the symptoms can be. They just crush you day after day after day. I must say, speaking with Dan on the phone was cathartic for me. It’s really something you might want to do yourself.

[@brendamalone3880]

@@jimferrill1790 Hi Jim I want to thank you for a reply you sent me. It’s been two years off Kolonipin, I pray it won’t be too much longer.

[@MattRinehart-e4e]

Is it also normal for your brain to be scrambled ? Miss saying words or not saying the right word ? I feel like my brains broken .

[@jimferrill1790]

I call this Benzo stupid. I thought I was going to be stuck in that rut forever. Like I was going to be forever damaged. I came through it after about 6 months of brutal withdrawal. You will too. Wait until you get there! You're not going to believe it! I remember not being able to go outside! I couldn't drive! Now after 8 months off val (which I took for 15 years) I am able to wash the dishes and take a shower and drive my car. I am nearly complete and you will be too.

[@MattRinehart-e4e]

@@jimferrill1790 Thank you so much !! What about loosing feeling of things ? Like most of tough . Numbness of the body .. is this real ?

[@jimferrill1790]

@@MattRinehart-e4e Losing feelings of things? I don't get this. I do lie in bed and think I'm going insane at times. Especially in the morning when the triple dose of cortisol whacks me. During my worst periods of withdrawal I couldn't feel my feet or lower legs at all. My skin on my feet just dissolved. It came off in strips. How did I deal with that? I put my freaking sock back on. I didn't deal with it. That's how far away I was at points. Guess what happened? My skin replaced itself with brand new baby soft beautiful skin. My feet look brand spanking new. Crazy. The skin would be in my socks. I would just change them out for another pair. Eff it.

[@Noir-sr5bw]

Thanks Dan.