Ep. 156 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

[@derekhammer8988]

The most amazing thing about sober October is seeing that Barts delusions and crazy ideas aren't fueled my cocktails.

[@mcgeek5664]

After those Tiger Woods comments im not sure he is sober. Sober October Violation!

[@derekhammer8988]

Good points. It's a safe bet he is on some sort of stimulant. I was thinking Adderall or Vyvanse

[@brando847]

@@murphcast9842 Aren’t coke addicts usually skinny?

[@candycouldntbesosweet]

@@brando847 Usually, Bert isn’t on coke tho he would be wayyyy more geeked

[@kelleyabitbol6156]

@@brando847 no

[@reversefart]

Ah yes the best part of Monday. Listening to Tom try to speak for 20minutes

[@dmargot2828]

Its the trying that motivates me.

[@rickkg449]

Yeah. Bert so unaware.

[@JDCberg]

Last episode Tom cut Bert off, and then apologized for cutting him off. I was dying. The subtlest and passivest of peaceful protests. Tom is the non-pedo Gandhi.

[@zachleprieur2871]

Wow how original

[@schavez5656]

We've all heard this same comment in every thread for about 3 years... Give it a rest

[@TaylorGangOrDY]

Bert- “well what’s his 40 time?” Meanwhile Bert lost a foot race to his bus driver Ron.

[@jumpstart55million]

His Bus Driver who was also overweight with a Pregnant Gut. Bert is the definition of delusional..😂😂😂😂😂😂 Awesome comedian but completely delusional when it comes to everything else.

[@AudibleVisibIe]

I'd be surprised if bert is clocking anything under 7 seconds

[@chaisebruh]

Hey, Ron is a fuckin rocket okay 😆

[@lordbabywipes5233]

I bet Tom has more intelligent conversations with his son than he does with Bart

[@BigSexii]

100%

[@Boomaroo96]

That made me laugh hard lol

[@oxymaiz5662]

Well he would use the same tone 🤣🤣🤣

[@Js-hu5cm]

Yes

[@chop3667]

Bert seems drunker when he’s sober

[@ijuiceem2783]

nah he was drunk 100%

[@MattHaasch]

Gumball is the the best idea you ever had on the show. Tom at the wheel and Bert sitting screaming by his side. You just gotta do it.

[@serfnuts]

The gumball is just a rally, Bert is thinking of the Cannonball. Which I don't think has been officially organized in years. Just people breaking previous records on their own.

[@CullyColantino]

I support either one they do

[@ethang04]

Wait till they find out it costs $70k😂

[@BeenThereOverItNow]

@@serfnuts LOts of other rally's that could join with... Mostly not fastest wins type like Cannonball used to be

[@RealmDesigner]

@@ethang04 I think they can afford it.

[@buhrittney]

The look into the camera after Bert said he’s equally as athletic as Tiger Woods brought tears to my eyes

[@FratAsh]

Bert: We get access to their children, we're philanderers Bert is the funniest at his most unintentional

[@OoohhForSure]

Philandaplers**

[@spotnick02100]

Bert’s long pauses will always having me checking to see if you tube stopped working😂

[@ryant390]

Always lol

[@soccerfreek07]

You don’t know how many times I had to keep looking back to see if it was still working😂

[@noahperez1788]

Lol I thought I was the only one, thought my signal was going in and out haha

[@isailopez423]

For real! 🤣

[@larrygraham4875]

For real. Tom so wanting oct to be over in this episode 😀

[@AyeeElyy]

I’m convinced Tom is just writing his phd paper and Burt is his subject

[@YCWideawakeFinest252]

I hope he takes notes of the autopsy😅

[@FatTony_Football]

He’s up to something for sure😂

[@tylergibson3510]

A longitudinal study of Bart's stream of consciousness is the most plausible explanation. kzbin.info/www/bejne/pqDbdoyDZbeAqtE

[@FatTony_Football]

@@tylergibson3510 Jesus💀

[@bengreen927]

“They look like everyone is supposed to clap when they throw the ball” I lost it 💀

[@RC-zs6dp]

Bret is no tiger woods, but he is a John Daly

[@juanordaz5216]

“Your ideas are like A.I art..” that was amazing! 😂

[@kylescanlan4046]

Bert screaming about parents at a game, then transitioning into a soft spoken beard club ad might be the funniest part of this one

[@tylerbernard849]

I had to come to the comments to see if anyone else thought this 😂

[@thearnold6454]

dude.... i just got to this part hahahaha

[@imjustapancake3188]

That part got me good lmaooo, the editors know what’s good

[@ca.michaeldowsett]

in typical bert fashion 🤣

[@sentientcardboarddumpster7900]

It's funny how Bert is never intentionally funny. It's always shit like this lol

[@bwc716]

bart calling abu dhabi "obba dobby" is so funny

[@Z28Blake]

Bert* "I've been thing about this a lot." Translation: I'm going to "think" out loud for a minute.

[@wearelightbeings]

Bert’s energy level not being hungover is insane lol.

[@YizzERR]

It's the energy level of a humble athlete in his prime!!

[@tokyosandblaster4623]

Yogi Bear gene

[@claywrangler1993]

that's not energy, that's feeling good 1-2 weeks sober. If he went sober for a couple months you'd see real Bert. That being said 1 month of sobriety is awesome health wise, and fucking hard to do in that industry so cheers Bret.

[@jordanaudia354]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/r5jGmJ2irbqea5o

[@philtowne9]

The transition from Bert ranting to the beard club ad was top notch

[@johncochran5852]

CAME HERE FOR THIS HAHA

[@robusto7735]

it went from a 10 to a 1 really quick!!!

[@Evan-lo1jz]

I started rolling

[@RobinCould]

Tom yawning during Bert's holf monologue was the highlight of the pod

[@PSPDDH]

every episode that goes by, Bert sounds more like he deserves his birthday's teapot

[@carsonconsidine9004]

This Brent guy seems like a very humble guy and great athlete

[@raidertj1809]

“They look like your supposed to clap when they throw a football” - maybe one of the greatest throw away lines of all time 🤣🤣😅😂💀

[@13nohead]

That shit was gold

[@benjones8405]

I love how Brent automatically thinks these ridiculously famous people just lounge about listening to 2 bears🤣

[@Wolfsburge]

The guy losing his shit in the background is amazing

[@nicolejaurequi8369]

Following Brent's flow of consciousness is like a mental exercise. Tom's mental strength is otherworldly.

[@tylerthompson8241]

Tim definitely got slightly frustrated at one point

[@alexgadowski7922]

We need a booth cam for when Bert says some wild shit and can see the guys reaction 😂😂

[@heddaf863]

No fuckin thank you

[@GirthBrooks19]

Like Glenn Humpleck on the Tom Greene Show lol just have him in a window behind the guys

[@chilogistics1642]

I cried laughing when Tom was referring to the Manning brothers when He said, "they look like everyone is suppose to clap when they throw the ball".

[@papajon-1000]

Brent confusing gumball and cannonball is precious

[@samanthab1923]

Shameful! Now he’s using fans like the Bandit 🥹

[@crucix1483]

The little glares that Tom gives Bert and the way he looks off to the side at the guys behind the camera kills me 😂

[@thebrokenevolution871]

Almost like hes telepathically signalling them to bookmark the moment. Or get ready to edit this part....OOOOORRR.... WTF is this lunatic talking about.

[@Penellabella]

I want Christina P to record Tom at one of her kids sports things so we can see how Tom acts at the games.

[@LiveAtEs]

They should hire you

[@Alucard373]

She'd probably talk over the whole thing.

[@Dan0TheMano]

I bet he leans up against the back stop and tells the ump to touch his camera through the fence.

[@tlhenry2011]

"we can drive an ambulance". GENIUS!!!!!!!

[@DJKento]

Watching Bert discover colonizing small nations first hand is fucking HILARIOUS.

[@neighborbruce]

Barely 5 minutes in and Bart is already reminding us again that he DOES NOT CHEAT ON HIS WIFE.

[@jewfrogabe19]

🤣🤣🤣 Reset the clock!

[@joebreakerx]

The walls will come crashing down one day

[@ETAisNOW]

@@joebreakerx no they won’t.

[@newsrapper]

😉

[@Cyxz666]

Bert actually thinks any other woman would want to sleep with him 😆

[@patrickrogers3365]

Jesus christ im dying from the fact burt wants to start colonizing🤣

[@coleparker3306]

“i just sit in centerfield and rip my vape pen and get super aggressive” i’m rolling 💀💀

[@SamGreen]

23:52 I had to pause for a break from laughing so hard.

[@tdub88587]

Hey Bart, how are you going to get the pyramids there?

[@MichaelLaFrance1]

Bert: "I don't think they have cities in the Middle East like we do." Middle East: "Bro, we invented cities."

[@AD-df5tm]

I mean, he also seems to think that he just came up with the idea of international scouting for sports 😂

[@toastedjoe1013]

Bert is a frat guy at heart, not an International scholar.

[@burner8959]

@@toastedjoe1013 "..not an international scholar." ....Dude didn't even get out of remedial are you kidding me?

[@rafaeltiano]

i’ve been to some of the largest, most prominent and most populated cities in the world, ny, london, mexico, buenos aires, Dubai, Beirut… Abu dhabi is by far my favorite city to live in, and i prefer its skyline to any other, including ny.

[@rafaeltiano]

Brent’s absolute cultural and geographical ignorance is hilarious

[@RealKlausSchwab]

Hahaha, Bert saying "take all the children in a village in Africa" with a straight face is the craziest s*** I've heard 🤣🤣🤣

[@topdownb58]

Lol wasn’t that an episode of South Park??? 😂😂😂

[@xSGTBOMBSQUADx]

He’s wildin

[@zg9445]

This was pretty much a Nathan For You episode already

[@zg9445]

And also a Mr Show sketch, if I remember correctly

[@Qheneng]

Not just take them, force them to work for his benefit

[@SaturnStorm444]

“Where are the little girls” “That’s another comic” LMFAO

[@grendel7716]

"We'll sign a village" -Bert "And here we go" - Joker

[@McNasty_JP]

How Bert comes up to his conclusions is really...special.

[@jayknight139]

indeed. maybe even cool

[@GettingNegative]

Different.

[@imjustapancake3188]

@@jayknight139 *cool guy guitar riff*

[@JT__Media]

“This is going to sound arrogant and only a few people are going to understand what I’m saying” Bert. That’s always. 🤣

[@Quigs617]

Followed by something 99% of people can wrap their head around.

[@hunterdixon3943]

2 bears should title sections of the podcast like Bad Friends with Andrew and Bobby, those so many times I want to go back and just hear a certain moment but it's annoying having to fast forward and rewind to find it

[@tristenmcgillem4834]

"I think that's another comic" Idk how Bert kept himself together. I pissed myself laughing

[@swingamiss729]

Is that a shot at Delia or did another one get caught?

[@tristenmcgillem4834]

I think it's at Delia lol unless someone else got caught

[@zg9445]

Bert: if I had a father like Michael Jackson’s father, I might be the king of pop right now

[@srsieg1155]

Hahahaha

[@RPRsChannel]

*_So happy to see Bart is recovering from his multiple-organ-replacement-surgery._*

[@Mickey_Valentine]

Same ... Finally he had to stop going in to replace the burst stomach stapples

[@dmargot2828]

And a blood transfusion don't forget

[@GetUnlabeled]

Who is Bart?

[@imemberberry]

Anyone else find it funny Bobby Kelly lost 'a hundred' and is now around 250 and might weigh less than Bert

[@kristiskinner8542]

@@imemberberry nope not at all. Think Burnt is a little taller than he is & lifts weights. Muscle weighs more than fat which is one of the main reasons I have zero regard for the BMI scale as it doesnt account for that at all. You can be fit & muscular but according to BMI charts be "morbidly obese". You can also be a good/normal weight according to the chart & be at the lower end of a "good" weight range & look sick/terrible with sunk in cheeks because you're at a weight that isnt suitable for your body type etc. Other than his belly Bert really isnt all that "fat"

[@89benx]

Bert is just Tom's cousin that always has a new invention 🤣

[@chaseholland3392]

I think there is really something to be said about Tom's dad's approach to weight lifting and keeping a journal. While I think a whoop is a great tool for our bodies, I think sometimes we get a bit too caught up in what an app is telling us rather than trusting our bodies. If you're constantly referring to your cell phone to tell you how you feel that day, you're just going to spend your whole life waiting for it to tell you you're good to do stuff.

[@bigmoneycollector5136]

Tim's expensive shirts are his way of separation from shirtless Brent.

[@samanthab1923]

I notice 😊

[@dmargot2828]

The qualifying factor is that it looks like pajamas.

[@ETAisNOW]

Nice observation

[@samanthab1923]

@@dmargot2828 He does look comfy

[@walterroux291]

Of course Hypebeast Tommy has the gaudy Adidas Gucci collab.

[@joebreakerx]

I genuinely felt like Bart had been rambling for half an hour when he nearly had a meltdown about golf hats. 9 Minutes.

[@Sf4life1216]

I was waiting for Tom to pause and quietly ask “so do you miss drinking?”

[@kylewtracy]

Best 2 Bears in a while

[@iamcablegi2010]

Burt could NOT be any more self-delusional than he is! lol

[@Joshuadalewillis]

Bert wearing a guitar hat, as he explains how he doesn’t like non golfers wearing golf hats. 🏆

[@brandonmartin08]

Bert actually does play guitar! There are a couple of videos out there of him playing guitar and singing! He maybe isn’t a virtuoso but as a guitar player myself I can tell that he knows his way around the fretboard! 👍

[@robertdeherrera8510]

i think it’s a minor league baseball team but that’s still funny😂😂😂

[@ojsimpson4040]

It’s a baseball hat

[@ontube781]

He plays well actually

[@sarahlowell3763]

@@brandonmartin08 well he did say his finger game was on point

[@calliefranklin2299]

The way Berts brain goes from stealing African kids for sports teams to planning a Gumball race with guns all while being sober is mind blowing.

[@Thrillkillah]

This is by far the most unhinged I have ever seen Bert. Get this man drunk again!

[@nickdomer8715]

This is the first cast in years where yal are having a conversation bc I think your taking about your kids, and what you see raising them and this relates to every listener you have, me especially, ran a marathon listening to your podcast and knew if I finished before a couple I made my target time

[@aravp.7495]

Love how half this pod was Bart slowly suggesting he could’ve been Tiger Woods

[@twospeed368]

Nobody: Bert: If I were Tiger, I'd be a better Tiger.

[@nickharmer9722]

Brian Simpson about Nadav: “Is he, like, related to y’all somehow? Like, is he part of the family or something? Because he keeps fucking up & y’all don’t do anything about it!”

[@collinyoung1009]

That thumbs up from Tom when he got the news about his dad is such a genuine gesture of friendship

[@justinfitzpatrick1074]

Bert: “I’m basically Tiger Woods” Also Bert: “We should round up African kids.”

[@mikeaguilar8459]

I feel myself losing brain cells listening to Bart talk 😂

[@Js-hu5cm]

Bart makes me question reality when he says anything

[@treypyle4565]

Bart is a master of unfounded sweeping generalities

[@toastedjoe1013]

When I first read that, I thought it said "sweeping genitalia".

[@samanthab1923]

Bingo!

[@coreydiculous]

I'm like 10 minutes in and I think Bert is too much for me today. He is ON ONE.

[@amgofficial7791]

😭😭😭ikr?! i kno he was bored and missed tha pod, so he's lettin 'er rip💯🤷🏿‍♀️

[@mrs.h2725]

Lol Bart’s excitement level is like in middle school when you come back from a break and see your friend in the hallway and just word vomit everything that’s happened to you in the last week, crossed with dude’s spitballing ‘brilliant’ business ideas after a few rails.

[@kristiskinner8542]

@@mrs.h2725 yeah dont remember ever acting like that or anyone else ever acting like that in that situation🤷‍♀️ guess we just didnt have a whole lot of ADD at my school back in the 80s/90s

[@JelenK]

I was thinking the same thing. Crazy today.

[@utlonghorn86]

He almost seems manic. It's exhausting

[@chaisebruh]

“Brent’s Ideas are like AI art, just a couple degrees off” And it’s Tim’s job to decipher it.

[@chrisstein2612]

Sober bert brainstorms are actually killing it 🧠

[@kalebwhitaker9534]

Bert is doing well with not drinking….LMAO

[@kristiskinner8542]

Yeah no, this episode just confirms to me that he needs a drink or a Xanax or hell both

[@joeyg29jgjg]

Lmao he is unhinged 🤣

[@p1sa13]

He looks depressed AF

[@b.newsome8696]

"What if we sign a village in Africa and we become philanderers?"Spit out my coffee on this one.

[@GregoryHaslett]

The laughing in the background kills me 🤣🤣

[@TendoTheDude]

That first ad transition was on point. Boy, sober Brent is kinda aggro

[@elusion23one41]

Bob is so aggressive this episode it feels like it's because he's not drinking booze.

[@guuumby_1468]

He’s not posting Instagram stories and if he does they’re weird. Can’t put my finger on it. Something’s off. I’m assuming he’s hitting his Benzos on the daily.

[@imjustapancake3188]

It’s the ADHD and the Xanax

[@littlewigglemonster7691]

@@imjustapancake3188 it’s just being sober. Maybe that too, but when you are use to high volumes of alcohol and cut it out you feel like a meth head for a good while, at lease I did. I couldn’t sit still for weeks I was bouncing off the wall doing crazy shit is never would have normally. When brain is use to functioning with high levels of downers and you take that away you are functioning like crazy you have to much energy to deal with again just personally that’s how it was for me. And other alcoholics I’ve talked too who quit

[@dominickmontgomery4299]

Every time Brent screams over Tom I want to throw myself out of a moving car.

[@dontreportmygt9772]

Do it no balls you won't

[@thatoneguy8894]

Please record it for a future horrible or hilarious

[@cullenlovel7620]

"Tom Were Philanthropers" lol

[@10rctp]

Dude! This is easily the best last 10 minutes of a podcast I’ve ever heard! Also, the title for the Netflix show should be, Tom and Bert go full trottle.

[@tedclubberlang8576]

Tom talking about arguing with his son's couch is hilarious, real Garth,(where's the body's) Brooks vibes.

[@papagissepi6467]

Bert always makes me feel like a good dad.

[@samanthab1923]

Not that hard. Wife & two daughters & he’s talking about “slaying” Pussy!

[@soul.flowerr]

i really enjoyed the animated skits with the two bears you guys showed in one of your first episodes. you guys should do more of those!

[@sarahlowell3763]

I literally snorted at Tom's reaction at the end and "I like the math!" 😂🤣

[@puhpuhpickle5851]

I'm surprised this episode is still up after the first 2 minutes! LOL

[@agfb4039]

Hahahaha

[@YantisOm]

@c__ nice...

[@thetsuba]

Nice of Tom to keep it casual and stay in his PJs today.

[@amgofficial7791]

😭😭😭

[@Penellabella]

I like that shirt!!

[@randallmilton]

Months later, and poor Bert still doesn’t know what “punitive” means.

[@lemonchicken361]

The tiger woods bert rant sounds like Adam Demamp in workaholics lol

[@mcant17]

“I guess paulytoon has body dysmorphia or something cuz look how joe and Tom are ripped and I’m fat” Bert, if anyone has body dysmorphia it’s you because that cartoon is one of the most accurate depictions of your body I have ever seen

[@CleanseTheSoul]

That dig at Chris D’elia at the end, lolllllllll

[@davidnone8951]

bert loves the sound of his voice

[@Burgerurger911]

The episode of 2 🐻 where Bert gets flogged in Oman 🇴🇲 is going to be amazing

[@thestraydog]

"When I was 52, I lost my hand in Saudi Arabia, here's how it happened:"

[@Burgerurger911]

@@thestraydog and he'll just complain how hard it is to open a beer 🍺 😄

[@Dannyryan73]

Bert’s ideas got that Uncanny Valley

[@Sebbebastianrqberg]

2 bears racing could host their own roadtrip 😂

[@xvoltik750]

LOVED the golf talk in this one boys keep it up, would love to see Bert on the course

[@Cyxz666]

it's nice that Bert is gatekeeping golfing apparel for us 😆

[@mandihollingsworth182]

😂

[@korykompelien9306]

Funniest thing I ve heard is bert gatekeeping anything.

[@artistred9751]

I said it last week and I’ll say it again, Burt’s rage comes out when he’s sober.

[@YizzERR]

Speaking of golf, that's pretty much par for course when heavy drinkers stop drinking.

[@TurdFerguson456]

It's true! 1 man can say the 3 stupidest things you've ever heard, in an hour

[@MrLinus84]

Bert’s delusions are the most epic dreamy adventures of every 10-20 year old kid in the world.😂😂 I soo want to live that life 😂

[@ChrisKennedyGuitars]

Bert: I been thinking about this a LOT. Translation: I just thought of this.

[@fgialcgorge7392]

I fucking love how this podcast is like 'The Tom Segura Experience' and Bert is the only guest ever. Tom just let's Bert go at it and talk himself into corners.

[@tinasemini5381]

Best concept EVER 😂 TOM and BERT GumBall !!! love it … 🎉❤

[@christophergardner8113]

through every bert pitch I always think he's insane in the first 5 seconds, and by the end I always think.... yeah I'd watch that.

[@sporkspeak]

I’m not here to diminish Bart staying healthy and clean during this month, but he does seem a tad bit more manic the soberer he is.

[@guuumby_1468]

Benzos. He’s got to be popping daily benzos

[@ez123489]

@@guuumby_1468 thats not sober

[@user-vp8sd4qd1x]

@@guuumby_1468 100% what’s up

[@paulvyas1]

“I think that’s a different comic” yeah he’s definitely talking about Dane lol

[@Tylersnotyours]

Does Bert not realize this whole sports recruiting thing has been going on forever lol