Zero Expertise Massage | James Acaster

[@kinatonchi]

Best opener: “yeaa”

[@AkAsCoTTii3]

Or he goes “...alright”

[@justusbraz]

I saw him live and he came out in a new jumper and talked about it for the first 15 minutes. He also “wears sunglasses now”. It was one of my favorite live comedy experiences.

[@charod8423]

“Is die plural and dice singular? Anyway he killed two people by mistake” I’m cackling

[@joeburnett9496]

My favourite joke is the loch ness monster one. James is truly underrated!

[@joeburnett9496]

I love when he starts stompin about after making fuckin crop circles hahahaha

[@thatonekidweallknow]

I was gonna like this comment, but it's at 699... Im sure you understand

[@momoProjects]

He cut the next line out "I guess they're both dice"

[@kateflanders]

“We called him James 1, and me; Wolf, I got to choose my own name”

[@emily4831]

1:07 "paisley paisley makes the girls go crazley"😂😂😂❤️

[@LisaBeergutHolst]

"Crazily", I think ;)

[@wheedler]

@@LisaBeergutHolst It's not paisily

[@Razinik44]

I missed hearing "NO MORE JOBS", and "a little symmetry never hurt anybody", but the bits were still great

[@bamleith3095]

No matter how much I watch these I always have to rewatch because his delivery is so great

[@tusharyadav4159]

Petition to pronounce cabbage as you pronounce massage. And vice versa.

[@fategg6998]

its late and this made me laugh way more than it should have

[@kishinumaayumi]

Kay bahj

[@austinkeetch3943]

your offer intrigues me where do i sign

[@henkdetank7306]

Then is message a *message*

[@patricknice8652]

i've already seen all these videos why am i here

[@ToDahRANDOMOBILE]

Because he is a national treasure so it's the rules

[@gaygoc]

literally

[@Ludifant]

Sometimes when a mommy and daddy like each other very much...

[@fategg6998]

literally same

[@BaldBxtch88]

Because I will never not laugh no matter how many times I watch him 🤣

[@shemab2639]

"...chance it, it's not your back." 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@jackdog06]

Oh my god the miming getting blinded by the lamp is the best callback

[@Tom-vj2qg]

The opening joke was the best

[@duhffle2252]

The only thing I don't like about James is that I can't find any more content of him that I haven't already seen

[@iloveyourunclebob]

I'm here from the future with the same problem

[@sofiaguerrero0969]

He does an off menu podcast and those episodes let me stay sane from the lack of acaster material left. I also have yet to read his books so.. once I’m done with those idk what I’ll do 😂

[@Nvllivsinverbalvve]

Same here! And I’m from Chile, so IDK where to find more material 😢

[@Madfattdeeb]

"Wing that, chance it, it's not your back" 🤣😂🤣

[@ameliemajor3334]

man i love this guy

[@MuscarV2]

And then they complain that you're not good at massaging, like you've told them you are a skilled massage therapist and expects anything better than it feeling kinda nice.

[@jonnnnniej]

I can't handle getting a message if it isn't at least a little bit useful/practical

[@LionDen510]

James, you are the cold lasagne of comedy 👌 Absolutely fucking amazing.

[@ChrisFineganTunes]

Do you only watch him when you’re drunk?

[@hannah.6259]

I'm really not a fan of stand-up comedy but james acaster is different, he is just so funny

[@koshicookie8098]

So glad to finally see a place bringing everything from the funniest man I know of together

[@charinya.e]

Hes such a good comedian, hes got structure. Though I think his style is a hit or miss depending on the generation, the way he speaks is hilarious to a lot of younger audiences but my dad doesnt understand it. If you dont find him funny, fair do, find yourself another comedian, simply really

[@SUPER_WOLFMOON]

You should see if your Dad would watch the first episode of his Netflix series with you. Then at the end, query him again. If your Dad is in deed a grown up he will totally see the genius that is James Acaster, imo.

[@SvobodovaEva]

He's the type of comedian who's funny just by existing. I find his persona funnier than his actual jokes. Even if he just stood there and read a telephone book, I would still find it funny.

[@ColeJ_23]

I’ve got a genuine muscular complaint! Gonna start using that one.

[@uneasycylinder]

I’ve watched this at least twice before and it still doesn’t fail to make me laugh, almost 100% James is my favourite Comedian

[@lazylazerrsp8781]

"Like an arcade claw that never gets a toy..." Except there's a problem when you actually get something!

[@JosephDPeel]

Finally some James Acaster clips I haven’t seen

[@riddlemethis2610]

He has a thing on Netflix, if you haven't seen that.

[@dovestrodor]

God I think about the massage bit whenever I see a massage in a movie or tv show, or whenever it's written in a book. Two characters will be trying to express intimacy and I'll be thinking "you're sitting on them! you know, like a BULLY DOES".

[@CthulhuInc]

ed gamble is the luckiest guy in the world, being your friend

[@nerdzel185]

These VIDEOS always get my mood UP UP UP THANKSSS

[@TheCityCatYT]

You should 100% increase your online presence, you are incredibly funny and your humour is very appealing to us zoomers.

[@akaboaye7379]

Forced my girlfriend to watch this. I am never getting a massage again.

[@Elidan1012]

win-win

[@tobyferguson4189]

James acaster , the biggest roadman around 🤣

[@miaasophea6383]

'Its not your back'😂😂😂

[@kateolivia6027]

Watching this at 1:30am trying not to wake up the whole house when I have to be up early was a big mistake but one I regret none whatsoever

[@WinterFoxxe]

Is this the real James acaster or a fan?

[@valium-fm7236]

The guy in the video is a James Acaster impersonator. He’s also a James acaster fan. So , yea

[@-Mothy-]

What? That’s the famous undercover cop Patrick Springleaf

[@oliverevans2533]

It's an official channel but it won't be him controlling it, likely his management or perhaps the great benito

[@Hacktheplanet_]

Official youtube

[@thevinnyd1529]

Well James Acaster doesn't exist. This is a man in witness protection so keep it down yeah

[@gorillaguerillaDK]

As someone who has been teaching Massage Therapists/Sports Therapists/Manual Therapists how to massage, I would definitely give you an A for effort!

[@nerdzel185]

Is this the OFFICIAL official James caster?😳

[@friendgray1]

Cubert Pigg finders keepers, so what?

[@friendgray1]

Cubert Pigg ah yeah, of course. Man, I got the quote and the person wrong. Shouldn’t get tipsy I suppose

[@TheMatamo]

best day ever was seeing james at the melbourne comedy festival, turned into the worst when he mentioned boris johnson and i wooped. still haunts me to this day.

[@seb5542]

You wooped.

[@7OwlsWithALaptop]

U wot m8

[@paultapping9510]

Shame! Shaaaaaaaaame!

[@gandalfthegreyonline]

Omg the description hahaha

[@JMB488]

0:00 Intro 1:12 Zero Expertise Massage 5:16 Outro

[@jasonberube9747]

“No more jobs”

[@wiseguy7722]

Favourite comedian

[@OzzyMcBean]

This is funny. Good job.

[@TahtahmesDiary]

This is exactly why I hate being asked to give people a massage. I genuinely have zero clue what I'm doing and feel uncomfortable guessing because I don't want to leave you worse than when we started.

[@nathancorvera668]

Interesting choice of intro music: Finale by Madeon

[@SheSaidWalkOnOver]

was looking for this! i LOVE it

[@jonnnnniej]

That is it! I knew I knew the song but couldn't place it, thanks!

[@OddJames]

Much love from Michigan You Weirdo

[@favoritemustard3542]

Ahoy, James "No Toys" Acaster!

[@Widdekuu91]

I went to a high-unqualified masseuse because my shoulder was absolutely killing me (still does at the moment.) It was like a sitcom. First she smeared coconut-oil on my back, without asking me first. I was honest to her and said that it smelled funny. She said; 'Yeah I've been too busy to buy new one, I think this one's gone rancid.' Then she massaged my back, but everytime I asked her to please move to the shoulder, she'd sigh and say; 'But I'm sitting too far away for that.." It was easier on her legs to sit and easier on her arms to massage my left shoulder (where there was no pain...) At some point I basically demanded that she'd massage my right shoulder and she did, for a minute or two. That was a relief and judging by the noises, those shouldermuscles were mummified or something, because it went knick-knack-knick-knack with every touch. Either way, she then picked up the phone that rang and left me laying there, no explanation. Turns out the phonecall was for a colleague. She walked out of the door and left the door wideopen behind her, so the people in the hallway could see me. I confronted her about it and she said it's forbidden to lock anyone in. I said; 'Next time, leave the door open a little bit then, not fully open.' When she returned to my back, she was frustrated and started pinching my neck-muscles. Réálly hard. I teared up, but she insisted it needed to happen. Right after this, she got another call, picked it up and it was for the colleague again. So she went to the door, opened it, yelled for the colleague and the colleague came to the door. I looked back and saw the colleagues face appear in the doorway, while I, again, was clearly on the table, not wearing a bra. After this, I confronted the sorry-excuse-for-a-masseuse again and she said that the colleague was a professional, no worries. And there were 10 minutes left. "Try to relax" she said. And I tried my absolute best. 5 minutes before the 45-minutes were over, she said; 'What is the main source of your stress, would you say? What about former relationships? Did you have a good ending to that relationship or did you end it in a fight?" I mumbled it had not been a good ending and said I'd rather not end the massage with that subject. She said; 'Ofcourse, sorry.' And then; 'But I ám curious though, if you feel bothered by that stress a lot. People can be really down after a breakup. May I ask, how long were you together and what kind of problem occurred?" After I defended my privacy and put my clothes back on (she didn't properly wipe away the oil, so that was sticky as f) she immediately planned me in the agenda for the upcoming weeks, because she 'really couldn't do much about my shoulder" (that she touched for 2 minutes.) At home, I was very itchy (and smelled of rancid oil.) I took my shirt off and noticed I was absolutely covered in red 'dots' that, even after proper washing, didn't disappear until two days later. I mean, next time I will just throw myself in a pit of fighting hogs, because I bet that'll be a more pleasant smell and a more gentle touch.

[@Widdekuu91]

Oh, bytheway, I left one detail out, just noticed that. I'd chosen to return, after my shoulder got worse. And she díd move to the shoulder in the weeks after, as I'd specifically asked her to, but she still refused to stand up while doing this. Therefore she moved her deskchair (on wheels) in front of the table, with her stomach pushing against the top of my head (facedown on the table) and she then shoved her legs underneath the table and "leaned over/on me" to reach the shoulder. Which meant my face was precisely 15 centimeters above her zipper. Maybe that's a normal thing in massage-places, I don't know. To me, it felt very uncomfortable to be thát close to her crotch with my face.

[@amiaskew1425]

That's… not okay. Crotch almost in the face isn't as uncommon (Shoulders massague is the best when they're standing at your head I found out) but the behavior? Def not good.

[@gomonkeyfly]

here's an idea, go to a physical therapist? they are actually medically certified so hopefully they got standards.

[@Marc.Vanguard]

@@Widdekuu91 You went back! Then your not the smartest cookie are you.

[@Widdekuu91]

@@Marc.Vanguard Well, I'm a smart enough cookie to know it's you're :) :P (Just kidding) I was mainly a painful cookie, there was no other masseuse available and I wanted to give her a second chance. Whenever she díd massage my shoulders, it felt better afterwards, but I had to keep correcting her behaviour the entire time and after she crossed a couple of other lines, I send her an angry letter and told her I was no longer going to visit.

[@jamiewoodhouse5753]

The best

[@tinahiggins2965]

He's just one of our best comedians - EVER!

[@obiwanmcnobby]

Alright pal ? I was also born in Kettering, Northants. Glad you made it out..Bwahaahaaa.your a pioneer.

[@Timesend]

Perhaps the most weird and cool guy ever

[@evilpancakes4929]

You need to post MOREEEEEEEEEE

[@ryanward3488]

Last thing I’m expecting at this point is an ambush 😂

[@thatonekidweallknow]

I've never seen such aggressive air quotes

[@An-fi8is]

He's a breeze of fresh air

[@paultapping9510]

33 people really wanted the world to know they don't have a functioning sense of humour

[@thevinnyd1529]

Lets get this light back on _jolts_

[@oliviayoung9749]

legend says he responds

[@Red-zp2ni]

I love this guy Hi James 😎🤣🤩😍😍✋✋

[@Red-zp2ni]

I don't know what you mean 🤨

[@lauraharris4431]

Me looking at the background instead of listening 👁👄👁

[@MIKE-TYTHON]

Hello don’t want to pester but if you’ve got access to all his tv performances would you be able to upload his performance from the John bishop show I think it got cancelled after about one series in about 2014-15 it was the first time I had seen James andI remember it being hilarious (obviously) but it’s no where to be found on the internet would appreciate an upload if you do have it. But if not it’s groovy

[@andrewcroft89]

right before "NO MORE JOBS!"

[@alicemei2809]

Goodness, James sure does have a lot of enemies. 🥦

[@Red-zp2ni]

Don't know what you mean

[@tbz1551]

I feel like this is probably the gig where his haircut was interrupted halfway through.

[@Ghoti_god]

I used to give my mom massages and yea this is basically how it is

[@rafdahouk9341]

Comedy gold

[@vickigarner7331]

I love you james #laughmeintobed

[@M.Hvistendal]

Hardest part of jury duty

[@Thanos1908]

"Cool James" profile pic :D

[@gemah1870]

omg is this channel a real thing ??? woah :o!!!!

[@jacklinton5370]

James, when this whole covid mess is all over would you mind popping down to Australia for a few live shows?

[@caleberbland7613]

1:01 big Tom Cruise

[@kierandaniels9374]

Yeaa

[@Brychan1102]

Anyone know the song at the start?

[@aaronconway4435]

Darude - Sandstorm

[@trbolt0713]

@@aaronconway4435 Yes.

[@zeebrown1007]

Madeon - Finale

[@BenjiXin]

I know James’s mom!

[@DrTomoculus]

the exact reasons why I DON'T LIKE MASSAGES

[@dyodoleu]

Imma be the brave one and say it, this hairstyle looks hot af on him he can do very impolite things to me knockers

[@Victorio667553]

What's the intro music?

[@heymate1618]

madeon - finale

[@Victorio667553]

@@heymate1618 - sweeet

[@sollyworth4573]

Sorry... just me or is that Billie Piper at 3:01 ?? I mean I know it’s not but sure looks like her lol

[@Jcoke2201]

He;s a handsome bloke.

[@izzyxblades]

He has talked about giving his ex gf a massage a number of times, and the more I know, the more sad-funny it is

[@professorbaxtercarelessdre1075]

silly :D but point well made about massages if you don't know what you're doing

[@wheedler]

We The Jury has such a better execution of the Wolf joke that I can't find that material funny in his standup.

[@dananabread6632]

[@scottkazmer3437]

You don't know what 65F is.

[@Andrew-wf6fi]

Don't get the turn on light joke?? 🤔

[@hannah.6259]

He's sort of just saying that when you turn a light on after being in pitch black it sort of hits you like a punch in the face

[@_Piers_]

In British English "dice" is both the singular and plural form* Using "die" as the singular is considered archaic* So, feel free to correct people that have listened to too many Americans :) *OED/Lexico.

[@wheedler]

But who wants to prescriptively stick to a single dialect?

[@StevenTastestest]

Is he German ?lol

[@Ofthe7thSon]

Why do people repeat lines we just literally heard him say.....🤷‍♂️

[@Ludifant]

You should really give up smoking, James.

[@SUPER_WOLFMOON]

James Acaster is a LEGEND! Watched the first Netflix video in the series, and it is BRILLIANT. I'm an American and don't use the word brilliant lightly. I guess another way would be to say he is a comic story spinner genius! Rowan whatever Bean is absolutely a disgusting pig. *****Netflix Spoiler Alert-ish***** I'm a 45 year old mom of three kids and after watching the first show on Netflix's James Acaster/(aka.Wolf/ Mr. Springleaf/Mr. or Detective Undercover cop)'s series I looked up whether or not he had actually been left by his wife. I thought that either he had or he has a writer that has; turns out he is the writer. Because there was a time where he was in a long-term relationship (defacto spouse) situation with a woman who had an affair and left him for Mr. Bean. He makes it funny but is very smart about what happened and tells the story in such an enlightened way! So, I've watched Black Adder and thought it was sort interesting and smart sometimes, but I always wondered (in wonderment) did Mr. Bean actual write Black Adder? I went back and forth and thought, originally because he doesn't play Bawlrick that he must have had the decision making power because Mr. Bean not the fool? Then I thought, nah he probably has writers. The reason, I thought it, must NOT have been his concept at least because he somehow didn't get the role of Bawlrack or whatever they called the nice loyal servant who was always bested, bullied and beaten by the main evil character whom Mr. Bean actually played. Secretly I thought with that face and his time as Mr. Bean (as I discovered Bean before Adder) that no way would he naturally be the one with evil wit and sinister thoughts and plans which he carried out or tried to pull off. Now, today with more knowledge and hindsight I can totally see that Black Adder(snake compensation much?), the ugly both inside and out villain; was the correct role for him all along! Lastly, I must say in perfect honesty, that at no time in my life of being a young, or teenaged, or young adult to now middled aged woman, have I ever thought hmmm Mr. Bean/Black Adder is a hottie or even anything more than a mad comic cartoon. Whereas, James Acaster, well ladies, oh 'yeaah'… ps. The gf was an idiot!! Least ways the way she did it, a total f-in coward! Plus who the f is she? Have never heard her name in my life.

[@Eoin_D]

Meh

[@davidwoodburn4563]

Lee evans is better in my opinion

[@neilcurran1589]

Honestly , I hope he has a proper job. He gets work on British tv and gets to do the apollo, but I have yet to hear him say one sentence to make me even smirk let alone laugh. He is a one man laughter free zone.

[@tomforealz4482]

Then why are you here? Why not just watch clips of comedians you like instead of moaning on others??

[@trbolt0713]

Comedy is relative. I think. I don't really know. But not every comedian is for everyone. Pour exemple, I dont really like Ricky Gervais.

[@wheedler]

If you don't think comedian is a proper job, maybe you just don't respect them enough to laugh at any of them. Are there any comedians you like or are you the one man laughter free zone? Have you ever laughed?

[@giggino843]

Rubbish

[@wormnog]

Hsibbur

[@trbolt0713]

bihsrub

[@aimee3127]

rhusbib

[@Elldeeve]

Shibrub

[@mr.february2704]

Rbbsh

[@RussellChapman99]

Not even close to funny.

[@shaukahodan2373]

"Wing that, chance it, it's not your back" 🤣😂🤣

[@rebekaromo9040]

The best