i just realized most of these animals are prob dead

I have nobody to tell- but I think maybe I have some sort of trauma? I question it becuase I'm not sure yet. I used to hurt myself because I liked the adrenalin and I stopped a while ago. but when I see videos of somebody cutting their wrist or even in real life my head gets hot and I feel something- I don't know what- I ask of you KZbin to internet diagnose me 💀

What’s the second song called

So my mom make me take melatonin but she doesnt really seem to care if it doesn't work that much for me

I know I act like im fine. I can laugh, I can smile. But I come home and I'm just so exhausted. Im genuinely so tired. Im always the therapist. I've always been the first one to reach out and ask if they're ok. Im the one staying up late making sure they don't hit their low alone. I dont regret doing all that, but im tired. I have no one to talk to without feeling guilty, feeling invalid, feeling like my problems shouldn't be theirs, that they have too much to worry about they shouldn't have to hold my worries too. All of that, and I STILL get called "selfish" "lazy" "ungrateful" "rude" "not funny" "useless". Im tired. I really am. Im losing focus in school, I can't lose my. Grades. Im scared of failing but tired of trying. I hate it. I'll never feel complete. I hate my body my voice my face my hair my personality. Im done with myself. Why not relapse? No one cares. Idk anymore. :/

i wish i could go back to safety but i have never been safe in my life, i've lived in abuse since i was born. i only just moved out this year but it's barely been better, the family i live with fights just as violently, even if just with their words. really frequently i dream of a reality where i've never been hit, abused, violated, or any of that, but every time i wake up, it's like a slap to the face. i miss being innocent, even if it was robbed from me from a young age. i miss *feeling* like i was innocent. i miss being so dissociated all the time so that i didn't think anything was wrong. nothing has been going right ever since i moved out. i had to drop out of college, i'm almost out of money for rent. i can't get a job because of how debilitating my trauma and mental illnesses are. as a result, i'll have to move back in with my abuser soon. any progress i made in healing has been utterly stripped away, and i don't feel like i'm going to get better anymore. the worst part about it is that i never anticipated making it this far- and while people might say it's because i'm strong, it's really not. i don't feel strong at all. i feel so small and then, if by some grace of god or whatever higher power there is, i do end up healing? my health is so so fucked up. i have a permanent dissociative disorder, i'm addicted to drugs and nicotine, my teeth are just shy of rotting out of my head. i don't have any hope for my future anymore

I finally found someone who values these Pinterest posts as much I do, idk why but they just make me feel so…weird

I feel like the pain I'm going through is not valid. I was 8-9 years old and so afraid of him, he was forcing me to get naked and take bath with him, and when I was saying no he would shout at me loudly and violently. I never saw him as a member of my family, he was only my grandmother's boyfriend, and for me, he has always been a monster. I used to spend hours locked in the bathroom, crying on the floor, trying to avoid him after he shout at me, I couldn't see him, I was too ashamed. But I don't have the right to feel bad because he was an adult, if I listened to him the first time everything would have been okay

When i was little i was friends with a boy in my class around the same age as me, one of my aunts worked at the same school i was in and told me one time that he had a crush on me. I didn't think much of it until one he started doing really sexual stuff infront of me like groping me or talking about my chest size. I was really young when I started developing (around 7 or 8) and having hearing this at that age affected me alot. It took me until i was out of that school when i realised what happened to me was not okay.

🐟

ive returned here. i’m not ok anymore. i want to sleep and never wake up again, who knows? maybe i will. bottle of medication is looking mouthwatering rn.

Im 13, every day I feel the dread of getting up. I just want to be left alone. I wish I was that 5 year old girl again. I will never be that again, I will never be that energetic kid again. I was SA'd when I was 5 years old. I only now realized what I experienced, I thought it was fine but I didnt fully realize. And I just hate even living now, so much changed in 3 years. I feel alone, I've always felt alone. My mom, she knew I was struggling. Still, she did nothing. Why? Because i "seemed better"? I can't do it anymore. Why I am I so young and feel this way. I've had to resist the urge to commit. I just want to restart to a time where it was before everything that happened. All those feelings I wish I didn't feel. My parents are not exactly emotionally available. I feel like I can't tell my parents anything personal. When my mom one day walked up to me on the couch, and told me to show her my arms. I never felt so bad in my life. I just want to be happy again. Please god

The "dear god, please make me a flower so I could be beautiful. :(" made me tear up.

I honesty cant stand hearing kids giggling or laugh..i just cry cause i never laughed as a kid.. I lost my childhood at 5. all i ever probs did was cry and i just laugh at school but at home is deppresed and cry

Hello guys im here to vent. when i was 2 and my brother was JUST turning 3 his life got taken away. I didnt know where he was i felt lonely and i always asked my mum " Mum...wheres big bro?" she would just look at me w tears in her eyes and say "Hes having a big dream about us" Obvs i was stupid as a kid and i just smiled and said " Must be really good dream if its taking him long" she just started crying and obvs i was clueless and walked away. Time skip to when i was 5 My mum cheated on my biological dad and My dad didnt care but he only cared about me and my dead brother. I cried non stop when he left. My current step dad used to be really abusive. He always hit me and my mum and When he was having his 1st kid to my mum he would say "Whats her name?" And i would say it wrong on accident and smile but he would come up to me and pull my ear till it hurts And the fact i was fucking 5. And He would put me in an emty room but the only thing in there was a mattress on the floor and a hsnger and he would keep me in there till night. And When my mum tells me to leave to get help while he was strangling her he would say "DONT YOU FUCKING GO ANYWHERE U BITCH!" and as a kid i was scared so i didnt go home and i ran to my room crying while they fight. And now im 15. Hes changed alot. But i can still picture everything vividly and i will never forget. Everytime i just feel lost or zone out all i think about is the past. i tried killing myself at 7 but i was scared of the pain.

OMORI OST!? 6:55 (anyways) thank you for this playlist i think why am i not good enough and when i try its like nothing matters so listening to this really helps thank you.❤

some days i wonder how would i be like if the things that happened to me never happened to me. would i be happier? smarter? would i have more friends? would i be more successful? less anxious? less depressed? would i like myself? i guess i'll never know; now i'm stuck being me

I wish I had a friend who can be with me.

“I was so small, so young. Did you really need to hurt me?” Hits so hard with abvsive parents, Just not knowing what you ever did wrong to deserve that type of treatment. Up until 7 years old I was their baby, Then suddenly my father turned his back on me. :( My bio mum never really cared in the first place up until recently when she messaged me. That’s all. That’s the only I love you that I ever heard from her.

Hello! Are you okay? Im okay if your not. I want you to know something Im proud of you for going outside Im proud of you for staying inside Im proud of you eating I'm proud of you for trying to eat Im proud of you moving Im proud of you for walking Im proud of you for trying to walk Im proud of you for standing Im proud of you for trying to stand Im proud of you for living Im proud of you for sleeping Im proud of you for trying to sleep Im proud of you for washing your hands Im proud of you for making it another day Im proud of you for making it another week Im proud of you for making it another month Im proud of you for making it another year I want you to remember that no matter how hard it can be,it will get better, im proud of you for everything <3

im not sure if anyone will see this. but i feel like i need to talk. HEAVY TW FOR TOPICS OF SA AND ED (and more probably) last year, a teacher that i had that i trusted more than anything groomed me and sa’d me. he’s still at my school and there was a whole thing where i talked to the principal and another lady and i genuinely couldn’t do it. my gf told them and when they tried to talk to me i just broke. i lied and said nothing serious happened but they could definitely tell i was lying. i can’t just freely talk about stuff like that, and i don’t think they understand that. the teacher who ill just call xyz touched me in a lot of places and said sexual things to me and then he tried taking his belt off but then the bell rang and i ran out. he did this in the little room that connects classrooms that are in all of the rooms and there were posters on the windows so no one could see what he was doing. ill never forget how close he got to me when he tried to remove my clothes. i really wish i could forget but its like thats all i can think about. i see him almost every day at school and we’ve made eye contact quite a few times. whenever he gets close it just triggers everything again and i feel so hopeless. for months last year he would be so weird towards me and put his hands on me and whisper things to me but i just told myself it was him being friendly. i’m scared to go to school a lot of days because of him, but it’s my fault that he’s still there because i can’t talk about it and i don’t know why. i feel like a monster. on top of this, im struggling with an undiagnosed eating disorder that is probably anorexia. i continuously starve myself and obsess over calories and im so out of energy constantly and i feel like ill die any moment. my family has yet to realize that theres so much going on with me. i don’t have a mother in my life anymore (she’s around but i don’t ever see her or talk to her, she’s pretty manipulative) and my dad is just an asshole. he used to physically abuse me but now he just neglects me. i feel like i don’t have anyone in my life that actually cares about me as a person or cares about my feelings in the slightest. i have friends, sure but i basically fake everything around them. i’m the funny friend and im always making everyone smile so they assume that im perfectly fine. my gf knows that im not doing that great but i don’t talk to her about stuff anymore because i feel like a burden and i feel like she doesn’t really care how i feel. she doesn’t really say i love you as much as she used to and it could just be because we started dating like almost two months ago and at first we were in a lovey dovey phase but i kind of enjoyed it because i truly felt loved. i love her so much and i don’t even know if she feels the same. i don’t know if anyone loves me. i don’t know if im worthy of love. i’ve been struggling with self harm too but i lost my blade and im not doing well at all. the addiction is so bad. i’m 14 by the way. if you’re still reading this thank you so much. i appreciate you and i hope that whatever you may be going through gets better as soon as possible, and i hope that you can find solace and happiness in these dark times. i’m proud of you, so very proud. that’s all i have to say today.

I want to love someone

"I was a child in your bed, did i really deserve your touch?"

I lost my grandpa last year but don’t *worry, I’m totally* not *crying over his death* :)

tell me all the song names>:( (i beg)

Looking through everyone’s experiences, I feel like I shouldn’t be so sensitive about my own situation because it’s mostly my fault on how I ended here. I am and will be the problem forever. Hugs for everyone having a hard time. You can get over this. You can survive. You can do it! Love you all.

"🌈🩷🩷🩷l'm disgusting 🩷🩷🩷"

Realising you’ll never get a first time.

why did you have to touch me and show me your parts? you were my sister. and the person who also touched me. you were my friends in class. and you, i didnt even know you. you were 12-14 (idk their age.). i was 6.

Jimmy Wogglebog like like cats… but not as much as cows!

POV: it’s almost been 5 years since it happened. January 1st 2020 My first breakdown.

I got sa’ed, I was 4 at my cousins party, I guess my suspicions about my uncle were right… The. Clear. Bath. Water. Was. Dark. Brownish. Red I’m 9 now, I tore off all the arms on my dolls so they couldn’t touch.

I remember that I used to play with barbies, Dressing them up specifically. I loved buying them cute outfits or even just wrapping a random rag over their body as a sort of dress, I also slept with all of plushies, feeling bad if I even left a single one out cause no one deserved to be left behind in my young mind. But after being groomed and SA'd by my caretaker and her boyfriend, I stopped. I stopped undressing my dolls, feeling guilty for even trying to take it off, I lost my perception of nudity as a sign of trust and purity. I stopped sleeping with all plushies and would put them at the top of dresser looking away from me, cause I just cant get the feeling of their nasty eyes on me. I remember how dirty I felt, I would spend an hour in the bathroom trying to make bubbles, but after it all happened, I now stayed there for an hour obsessively cleaning my skin, it was so dan uncomfortable for me. I'm rather alright now as teenager, I'm a little more confident in showing off my body now (except my SH scars), But I still got nightmares of the times where that caretaker abused my innocence as a kindergartener. ( I was about 4-5 years old when this happened.) To anyone that are victims of SA, I am proud of you for staying strong, its not your fault in anyway, and you will forever remain clean in my eyes.

these songs strangely reminded me of him, before he hurt me. I really wish I realized before it was too late. I hope he didn't hurt anyone else.

I dont understand how people can see a CHILD and think about hurting them. This world is disturbing

Incoherent vent: (Srry if most of it doesn't make sense, I'm not in the best place rn) I feel so gross, I just ruined myself... Now I'm scarred, they'll hate me for what I did, they're going to take away all the things that are precious to me. Sometimes I just want to disappear, to escape my own skin, that's why I ruined myself, I'm unlovable now. But I still can't help but want love, or at least be wanted... how selfish, how gross... I have a lot of stuff to do... Maybe, when I finish my works, I'll go. It's for the greater good if I go... I add nothing to anyone, if anything I'm a crybaby burden, how gross. It's for the best. But, until I finish my projects, I'll try to keep living, just for a little while.

i hate myself

I dont have trauma rn…but this just makes me calm!

I don't know why but this playlist makes me want to cry my eyes out and laugh my lungs out at the same time

Don’t recommend channel, not interested 🖕🤞🤨❤️🩷😂💚💏👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨🚽🚾🥥🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿🇻🇮🇮🇴🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️🇨🇦🇸🇿🇫🇯🇧🇹🇻🇬🇧🇲🇱🇰🇵🇲🇵🇭🇰🇵🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🇮🇳🇨🇮🇧🇿🇨🇭🇸🇦🇹🇰🇹🇼

I exist? Then why you ignored me mom?… Why you ignored me friend?… Why you ignored me dad?… Why you ignored me cousin Im invisible? Why you touched me? Why you punched me? Why I can’t do anything? Why I’m always get yelled when I hate to be yelled?… You hate me? Im invisible?… I think I don’t exist… I…. I think I’m overthinking… LET ME REST :(…

lost in the blankets... hold my hand so we dont lose each other ever again and we can find a way out together

"What's the kindest way to say you took away my friend" not in a way that someone died, but someone who i was year long online friends with slowly growing distant from me cuz other people he knows

I like cute things and horror but this is the perfect mix

i don't care if i was happy while you were here. losing you hurt me more than anything else could on this earth.

In case no ones said it to you lately You deserved better, im sorry

When the trigger goes off and you're back to 2018 Christmas morning with your family in the living room.

when i was nine i got called a groomer. i didnt even say a single weird thing. if anything the other person kinda did because they asked for my home adress. It was terrible. it made me worse then i was. after a month or two after that i had things planned on what to do before i killed myself. but then after i reached out to them they responded. just that simple thing helped me.

A POEM, MADE FOR ALL THE BROKEN HEARTS THAT HAVE BEEN TRYING TO PICK UP THE BROKEN PIECES OFF THE FLOOR, FOR ALL THE CHILDREN OUT THERE GOING THROUGH THE SAME THINGS I KNOW WE ALL WENT THROUGH, FOR THE PEOPLE CRYING, SCREAMING, HURTING, FOR MYSELF, FOR EVERYTHING I WENT THROUGH, for us. Oh mother, How I see you in me. Same Almond Eyes, Same Diamond Face Same fears. Same struggles. Both of us. Against the world, we'd say. Absolute replicas, people'd say I agree. We both learned to lie, to fall under a mask Bottling up until the soda can exploded. Oh Father, How do you look at me? How do you look at the same girl you would hurt, and smile? How do you hug her, kiss her, tell her she'll do great? When last night, you'd dragged her by her hair, kicking her into the garage, and locked the door? Oh how'd you not crumble, When you saw little me, crying, begging. How do you not pity me, When I flinched at the slight upturn of your voice? Oh teachers, How did you never see me struggling? Bright girl, you'd say. The A+ scatter my desks. People say to be proud. What is there to be proud of, When all I see is failure. You'd never noticed, when I'd cry in the bathroom? You'd never notice the scars trailing my legs in the locker rooms? You'd never notice my flinches, my panic attacks, my wanting to end it all. Oh reader, You read all of this Bittersweet feeling bubbling in your chest as you feel the memories broiling You wish for something You wish that'd you'd have that normal, amazing childhood. You watch those fathers with their little kids, playing baseball together You watch those mothers with their little kids, playing dress up You watch, always observing Never feeling enough We'd all cry Screaming, begging for something, something to dull the pain. something to take you away. When I look back, I wonder Mother, why'd you never step in? You saw what was happening. How did you never cry, hearing the little child I was, cry and scream. I love you. And I know you loved me too. I just know you loved him more. Father, I know about your childhood. I know you are as traumatized as I am. But why did you never decide to be the one who broke the cycle? Why did you do, all the unspeakable things, you did to me? And I'd listen. Listen to the excuses. Listen to the apologies. I never vented, no. For what is the good of being a good listener, if no one listens to me?

I love this playlist, it’s so well put together, please make another