I think you should stop telling yourself redhead cliches you're giving it power and truth therefore convincing yourself that's what it is and what you are. Don't give that cliche any power anything is possible even if it seems impossible keep it up with hard work and discipline and consistency hopefully you'll have a more sober more balanced life.

I'm by no means an experienced practitioner, but what I've learned after a while is that most of those formalities are very practical and actually help you meditate. So, what I'll share here are purely my experiences. It supports you getting into a mindful mindset, to begin with. As you focus on the precision of the movements, your mind - and body - slowly starts calming down and occupies itself of that very moment, making it easier to finally sit. I usually had the feeling of leaving most of those persistent thoughts I had over my day as a lay person living in the world by the door of the meditation room. They could definitely return during zazen - which is fine! - but that little ceremony helped me be more present. But also, most of those things are very practical. For example, the sitting posture is meant to make it more comfortable and healthy over a longer period. The eyes gazing at 45° naturally get to a semi-closed position - closed enough to not need a lot of blinking, not too close so you'd fall asleep. Even the "turn clockwise" thing has a very practical reason: that way, people don't bump into each other. Again, those are my impressions. What I've felt practicing with the Sōtō Zen school in the West was a very welcoming attitude and a mostly pragmatic approach to things. Nothing ever required me any leap of faith or irrational behaviour, and even some of the things that are like they are due to tradition (being a Japanese branch of Zen, that's even culturally expected), they end up having a purpose on how the practice is conducted. Hope that helps 🙏