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Yesss maim !! On knowing a trusted person or not . 😮

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Kirsty, would you agree with letting my PDA (9yrs) control the pace at which he separates from me? He had never been to school or nursery as I noticed his sensory overwhelm from a young age. He sometimes makes small suggestions like being left home alone, or exploring an area alone while we are out - but I do not force something he feels would be overwhelming , yet encourage him to challenge himself just enough to try something new when he has energy. I say no one can feel inside your body except you. Could you offer your thoughts on this approach as I often feel judged and insecure about it. I wanted to hear from someone who also is autistic and a specialist. I also have that worry in case I am hurting him long term. My hope is that he challenges himself at a pace that feels safe and non traumatising

yes I have always wondered where has the concept of ‘breakfast’ foods being very limited in scope come from, especially in ‘western’ cultures. Like who decided this? And why?!? I’ve always been quite peeved that, for example, I can’t get normal food from a fast food restaurant until like 11am. hamburgers and chicken nuggets seem like a perfectly suitable breakfast food. albeit I do really like eggs so that makes it easier … and it’s a bit more flexible now than 20 years ago and much more flexible in Oz va US… but like, who died and left whoever in charge to determine for everyone what is an ‘acceptable’ breakfast food… lol

Yesterday we told our 11 year PDA son that it was "too early" for fish 'n chips. His response was, "Society doesn't dictate when we can eat." Which is fair enough, but but the shop doesn't open until 4.30pm.

That feels very sensible to me. My mother was PDA and gave me a remarkable amount of agency, for which I was always grateful. It was society’s messages that gave me trouble, and still can.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Thank you ❤

I have 3 questions. Background: I am a single mom of 4 kids ages 18, 12, 9 (PDA son) and daughter who is 7. I have to work full time. I know it would be best to homeschool my PDA son but I have to work full time to provide financially for them. Crisis/Trauma Reduction: My oldest understands accommodating his PDA brother and tries to help with daughter when PDA son is equalizing against sister while I deescalate my PDA son. I am the safe nervous system and my daughter wants me when her brother is hurting her. I can’t comfort her and deescalate him. I feel like Im always trying to reduce trauma. I have started to accommodate and learn more how to more every day. I know this ultimately will help reduce the severity and number of crisis situations. How do I protect her and reduce the trauma in the meantime? Parenting the other siblings: How do I parent my other kids? Unlimited kindle and accommodations to PDA child are unfair to 12 and 7 year old siblings if they don’t have it too. Explaining PDA and Accommodations: How do I explain PDA and accommodations to my other kids that makes sense. It doesn’t seem fair to the 12 and 7 year old.

This advice is so great! The "one percent" is very much like what my mom would tell us. She would say everyone needed to pick up five things from the room and then they could be done. It would usually turn into a competition to try and pick up the easiest things before another sibling could get to them.

Yes situational mutism is a WAY better term and TOTALLY dependant on the environment, I used to have it at school, ONLY when called out in front of class by teacher. But nobody actually asked - just commented as a complaint that I am "shy" which was not helpful at all. I love youtube tutorials. They are the best.

Yes, HOME is a SAFE space. However, I found a great motivator that let me start to go the forest again, and now I am going to the forest daily. I go at times, when there are less people out in the street, meaning: morning or evening, and I found the forest to be so naturing, calming and recharging, that now I really love to that, as the forest has become my second SAFE space. I feel stressed, when I do NOT seek out the forest at least every second day. But then, I am an adult, and then for me it is demand pressure anxiety, which will stress me out into the fight response - when it comes from the outside mostly - and for kids it might be a whole different matter. I know, I have changed a lot, with age... As a teenager, I found riding bareback on my horse through the forest the SAFE space, being carried literally. Sitting high up, NOT being just on foot. LOVE your videos, you explain things so well.

1:40 Playing by ear (and ear-training) is a key step in earning to improvise (e.g. with bebop language).

0:36 Perhaps because some people believe that "selective" implies that the person is in control. As an Autistic Spectrum Surfer with a PDA profile and Selective Mutism, I kind of prefer "Situational Mutism" now that I've heard it.

I very much related to that as an adult, thank you. If you have any ideas on how someone who also has ADHD, and has trouble accumulating additional knowledge or skills after a point, can improve self teaching, I’d be happy to hear your thoughts.

Oh wow 😮

Oh my…thank you, thank you, thank you for this video and for the work you do. My PDAer has been dismissed from two therapists over the years for “non-compliance” after missing appointments each time. As a mom who knew they needed help and how ridiculously long the wait time is to find someone else they may or may not feel safe with…, it was heartbreaking. Now we are searching again and I finally understand that we need to find a therapist who understands PDA, not just “autism/ADHD.” Finding your channel is like finding an a oasis in a very strange desert! Thank you!!

Please could you point me in the direction of how to support through burnout alongside no demand, taking time and calming and nurturing, should I be doing anything else? Will I recognise when there is a time to do more? And if my child never recognises that and I don’t, how can we get out of the isolation period and progress? TIA

This is how I am feeling about having to cook and be responsible for dinner every single day

I always tell people that parenting a child with PDA is a completely different ballgame. They use words like "consequences, rewards and punishments" that totally don't jive with my child's. It's really kind of a lonely world as a parent when everyone around you is raising their children with a completely different set of rules and they have no idea where you're coming from.

One issue with asking for hugs and connection can be about the accompanying questions! What's wrong? What's happening? Why are you sad/mad? Or worse "your fine!"

I think i need to watch this every morning before i get out of bed.

Thank you so much for the way you do captions. It helps me so much.

Well put.

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Wow. Thank you for this. It’s exactly what’s happening to me son, but I couldn’t make sense of it.

Just want to say thank you. As the parent of an autistic child, I’m infinitely grateful for the insights you share. Your words & wisdom really make a difference in our daily lives. Thank you ❤✨

I totally agree with what you said about being on a different timeline. They talk about brain development ending at around 25, and I remember noticing that for my peers the changes they experienced after about 21 seemed more gradual, they didn’t talk about growing up and maturing the way they used to. It’s like the finishing touches were being put in place. But for me the difference between 24 and 25 felt drastic! It’s hard to explain but it was like I finally understood in my own way some of the things my friends had figured out years ago. For the first time I felt sure of myself socially, even though I’ve always been outgoing it was still a minefield. It felt a lot easier to regulate myself and to respond the way I wanted to in the moment. But then the pandemic and some life events happened and my social and emotional capacity deteriorated a lot, other people seemed to bounce back so quickly and it felt like I lost the understanding and capacity I’d waited extra time for before I really had a chance to make use of it. Even now I still feel left behind. But that’s besides the point! What was the finishing touches of brain development for others felt to me more like being 3 or or a teen in terms of scale. At the time I felt so aware of it! I’m not sure if the difference in timing is inherent or because it takes more time to figure things out when people don’t know how to support you?

There's so much that I agree with in this short clip. For me, as an adult (albeit a very late diagnosed one), there's a big difference between a cathartic, resetting meltdown and a full-on, overstimulated one. In the former case, I can say "I need some time to just melt down a bit, and I'll be okay", so I curl up under my duvet and sob for a while, maybe have a short nap, and then wake up maybe kind of exhausted but I'm alright. In the latter, I am simply TOO overwhelmed to cope anymore and the pressure isn't stopping and I'm crying and snappy, at least partially depersonalised, and I don't feel in control of either my emotions or my responses. Then I feel like utter garbage for losing control, for maybe yelling at or snapping at people who aren't necessarily at fault and even after a nap, I wake up feeling like an absolutely awful human being. The former feels like a healthy release. The latter absolutely isn't. It's so much harder for kids because they don't necessarily have the tools or emotional wherewithal yet to manage those meltdowns or recognise them as easily, necessarily. The second part that really resonated with me is the way that medicine (and society in general) pathologises EVERYTHING that autistic people do, while forgetting that plenty of allistic people do the exact same things, or have the exact same kinds of struggles. And while it absolutely may be more challenging for autistic people (especially kids) they seem to forget that in reality, everyone has to develop those skills, understandings and awareness when it comes to managing emotions. That ANYONE can struggle with sensory overload in the wrong circumstances, etc. These are not JUST things autistic people deal with, it's just that we might have to deal with them more often and be overwhelmed more easily sometimes, or be working to a different schedule.

May I ask, have you looked into Polyvagal Theory and Internal Family Systems, and how this applies to Autistics and Sensitivity to Pressure? I am trying to figure that out myself - how I, as autistic fit into these models (which are neurotypical ones, however, adress the biology of EVERY human being..) As in being a multiple (NOT DID) but being AWARE of different parts, that come forth, triggered by pressure and demands most often. So my response to being controlled by outside pressure to perform, ALWAYS triggers the fight (RAGE) survival response... but then, IF the perceived "threat" is overwhelming, I go into FREEZE (AVOIDANT, LOSING HOPE, IN-ACTIVITY)

omg your video are just SO GOOD. I can relate to SO MUCH!!!

Thanks for bringing this to people's attention 👍🏼 Also, lol 0:27 😂

Thank you. The knee metaphor was very apt, and at least in my country, a point that has to be made again and again, because toughness here is highly valued. One thing I have observed in my own life is that an action can have different effects in different areas. So a doctor's appointment might be advisable for physical health, but damaging to mental health. I have encountered doctors who are very concerned about the first, but perhaps think that the second can take care of itself. That has not been true for me or my family. The other thing that I can observe in myself is that feeling responsible for the struggles of another person is a heavy burden that I cannot manage well, as much as I might wish otherwise. Based on my own feelings -- and I believe that both myself and my mother are/were PDAers -- I could imagine that a parent expressing their worry over a PDA child's health, absent certain actions, might weigh heavily on the child, and make those actions even harder to undertake. For that reason, I think your advice that a parent take care to meet their own needs (and in doing so, not make those needs contingent on the child's actions) is very well stated.

Thank you so much for this video Kristy. I relate and agree to all of it. I have a 10yo PDAer and it has been quite the journey. From therapies and trying kinder, to trying to homeschool to deschooling to now unschooling. All I can say is, trust and patience in the process is key. It takes as long as it takes. Its not easy but as an adult, I take care of my own needs. I keep busy in the house. I go to online support groups. I pray. I read. KZbin, Zoom, books and TV are my lifeline to the world and thank goodness for them. Just going outside to hang washing or playing catch with our dog changes my mood and perspective. There are challenging days but they are minimal now because of radical acceptance of my child's disability. Its ok to feel anxious. In fact I believe it's completely normal to feel anxious about my child's dental health, mental health, physical exercise, diet etc BUT to keep reminding myself through videos, podcasts, support groups etc of how PDA works then I don't project my expectations and anxieties onto my child who cannot change the way her brain works. Her brain btw is brilliant. Allowing my child to say 'I didn't agree to the dentist appointment' then cancelling helps her feel safe and heard. She didn't go outside for months. Now she'll spontaneously want to go for a drive, jump on her trampoline, walk to the park. Then she has days of staying in. My job is to be there to support and love her unconditionally. I don't always get it right but I try. Best wishes to everyone on this journey. You are not alone ❤

Thank you for this Kristy. This isn't just parent child repair it is the essence of how to repair relationships in general, acts of love that we can manage, and you put it quite clearly. Love your work!

Because I can expect to have an involuntary inclination toward doing the opposite of a demand, I sometimes wonder how useful reverse psychology is (in navigating PDA w yourself and other PDAers) or if it’s inherently manipulative.

I've just found your channel and I must say I love your calm thoughtful approach. It totally calms me down regarding the subjects of autism and PDA. I for one am glad to be neurodivergent despite a few tough times had. Thank you for the work you do.

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Ameeeennnnn. Amen, amen, AMEN.🥺 OMGoodness… At 42yo I’m feeling SO seen. 😭

I've been through this both my girls. All I can say is, trust the process and watch videos like this when you start doubting yourself. It does get better. It's almost magical to witness them re-emerge and start engaging. Yes it took months initially but it was well worth it. Bonus: my girls trust me completely to support them however that needs to be. Kristy and PDA society have helped me tremendously ❤

Great video and ideas and methods

Thank you so much for this video. This particular challenge comes up pretty much daily with one of my kids, and you've given me some new ideas for how I can respond.

Thanks for your content. You are one of the few places I've found PDA really looked at in terms of persistent fear and need for control. We have no official PDA in the US, only ODD, and I don't think they are the same. Although I am ADHD as well as autistic, my response to demands has always been more avoidant than defiant. I'm still not sure exactly what forms of neurodivergence my mother had (both my parents were undiagnosed ND, and I have traits from both), but I do know her/my overactive fight/flight and persistent fear response is what makes me resonate most with PDA. I still get upset at inanimate objects. And yes, I can transfer frustrations to a person, which I can safely say is not great for relationships. So I am always open to the thoughts you offer on coping with PDA adulthood. I'm trying to pick my way through that at an advanced age, and it's extremely challenging.

OMG COMMENTS ARE ENABLED!? I totally understand why they’re usually not but your videos changed my life! Ever since i was a kid I’ve wondered why everything was so much harder for me than it seemed to be for others, only to realize like “oh! It’s bc I was disabled this whole time lol” I suspected I was PDA years ago but never had anything to really contextualize it or help me understand it outside of the most inorganic clinical terms. Your work changed that and finally helped me understand myself! Thank you 1000x over! I don’t mean to pedestalize you but you’re def a heroic figure in my life. I’m so glad I can finally tell you that ♥

Struggling with this right now as I transition to unschooling my child, having no limits on screentime, and letting my children decide when they eat and when they sleep. But honestly, the calm and peaceful household makes all my uncomfortableness with it. Hopefully someday I will feel more confident with it.

Thank heaven for you, Kristy!!🤗

yes - truth

Oh my goodness THIS. I wish allistic people understood this.