Absolutely, in relationships it's never about 'the thing', it's always what 'the thing' represents to the person. I.e. it's never about the fact you missed the trash, it's about the fact they feel like you don't care enough about them to do what you say. etc... Once you start looking past 'the thing' and talking to partners on an emotional level then it's much easier to get to a win-win on solutions

This!

Yeah, we can build up some really ingrained feelings and habits over time, right? I used to keep my mouth shut for fear of saying something out of place or be seen as 'dumb'. It eventually lead to a lot of defensiveness in relationships eventually too! It takes time, but it's worth working through and building yourself back up from those loops!

Yeah absolutely! There's always multiple factors that impact relationships, it's how you overcome them that's important, right?

This was exactly what I experienced in my marriage, except I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD and my ex never disclosed his diagnosis until after our divorce. If he'd told me instead of hiding it for a decade, things would've been very different! Meanwhile, I was being parentified against my will and couldn't keep up with the constant demands, so I had intense burnout after he moved out. It's an emotional minefield.

It's literally the perfect ADHD hack tbh

That's an incredible amount of pain to experience and I can't even imagine how betrayed you must've felt to experience that

Yep 🥴

I made a video on exactly that subject! :) kzbin.info/www/bejne/boTSYoeJhdyanrM

Yeah it can be quite a common cycle! Thanks for stopping by :)

It can be an easy role to fall into, it can be changed though!!

Hell yeah!!

Haha, on that note... do I have the video for YOU! kzbin.info/www/bejne/hZCnlpZrec-hjs0 :)

Hey! Thanks for the comment! And yeah there can often me a lot of blaming ADHD in relationships, this can change over time for sure. I actually made a video on why your partner thinks ADHD is an excuse: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fmWUopikf8qEpKc There's a few more ADHD relationship videos on my ADHD Relationship playlist too!

You got it! I have a couple of videos planned for relationship systems :)

Thank you so much for stopping by!!

Thanks for watching!

Thanks for the comment! Every relationship client I work with (ADHD or Neurotypical) I push them to look at their partners point of view, as well as take responsibility for their own interpretations of what their parter does. It's important to develop the understanding that other people's actions are not personal to you, and to develop a deep understanding as to why your partner feels the way that they do. Only that way can the blame start to be removed and the relationship can move forward.

No I would not because I am not a hypocrite. If somebody struggles with such things I am very understanding. I am just very hard with myself. And yes, it is always about the intention and the context. we do not do this on purpose But you do if you are screaming and threatening even If you know that we do our best.

Thanks for the kind words! I didn't make the video specifically for younger ppl to be honest, I feel like the principles were still relevant? Or maybe I'm missing something

@BeUltranormal Righto, though changing career in your 50s is much harder to do then in your 20s and you imvariably need some kind of financial safety net to see you through which most d'ers typically don't have.

I can definitely understand that, I mean ultimately there may be bigger lifestyle sacrifices for a later change in career for sure. The one thing I recommend to members is having a 'Season of No', if you want to have a big lifestyle change (especially as an ADHDer) then figure out what is the absolute minimum you need to live (minimum includes emergency buffer), figure out the goal you want, and then say 'no' (temporarily) to everything that doesn't feed towards that goal. Then focus for 6-12 months on putting in 100% towards making that goal happen. For an ADHDer to make big changes over a longer period of time is a risk, because if we aren't seeing big results then we can get bored/disinterested. So if we use our hyperfocus to our advantage then we can get there quicker than most, get our hooks in and then start to reintroduce the balance to our lives. This is how I've built my business, I've said 'no' to everything. I've missed out on trips with my family, I've turned down better paying work, I've failed more times than I ever have in my life in order to grow and build a better future for myself and my loved ones. Change will always be the hardest at the start, always. It's always worthwhile tho! I made a video on this: kzbin.info/www/bejne/qXfQoGBulL6rqc0si=Mhv6IPH3WlzAbOZI :)

That's awesome!

I can understand it can feel frustrating at times, but I disagree that you shouldn't be involved in an ADHD relationship. There are many many happy healthy loving ADHD relationships around that show that it is very possible. I think it's like any challenge, if you choose to see it as impossible, then it can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I work with members whose relationships seemed hopeless, but have managed to be turned around with the right tools, so I definitely wouldn't recommend giving up, just simply trying effective tools.

I can assure you it is not possible specially if they have a serious addiction problem .

​@@annatjieholtz3048 I don't want to take away from your experience in any way, your feelings are valid. I've had times in my life when I have chosen to walk away from people, relationships and situations, telling myself that it was hopeless. I can only really point to the evidence of people who have addiction and overcome it and the many ADHD relationships I've worked with who are happy and thriving. So, I can understand it can feel like it's not possible, however there is evidence there to the contrary, whether you choose to see it or not. I don't believe in "not possible" as I believe in people, and I see the "not possible" become possible daily. I believe that when you have faith in people and use the right tools to help them, then you empower them to make the changes they need to make. Again, I'm not saying it's easy, and I can understand why people would want to walk away and give up. But that doesn't mean that it's not possible. It's each to their own, and I'd never fault people for feeling the way they're feeling or making the choices they make.

The "everyone has ADHD" line keeps cropping up again and again!!

Hey! Thanks for the comment! I hesitate to really give the specific examples and to keep it to the principles because ultimately job roles can vary from company to company so some paperwork-filled jobs may not be a paperwork-filled job at another company. The main thing I would say is to not look for one perfect career, simply keep developing the self-awareness as to how your brain works, and keep iterating in the direction that interests you. There's never one perfect role, but there will always be better roles for you as you grow. Hope that helps!

@@BeUltranormal yes it did🩶🤍

🤗

Yeah, learning about your brain is uncomfortable, but ultimately works out for the best long term, right? Congrats on the diagnosis! :)

Your wife is fortunate to have someone who is so supportive!

Thank you so much for the kind words! I'm truly honored <3

:) Patience, encouragement and working on a teamwork mindset. Every relationship is two different people, whether it's ADHD or not, it's importance to recognize that and embrace it!

Medication can help focus in the moment, but ultimately working on creating an environment that empowers them is crucial. Encouraging positive behaviors and not punishing bad behaviors (that doesn't mean not holding them accountable, but it cannot be scolding/berating/insulting etc...). Through encouragement and support and iterating the system between you both, this is how to cultivate the systems between you. :) You got this!

Practice and it will become default. Think of it this way, working memory is RAM, long term memory is HDD. In order to get something stuck as our default, we need to write it to HDD through repetition and practice! :)

@@BeUltranormal Thanks Chris, good way to visualize what I want to happen and understanding the mechanics of the brain to get there! Danke’!

@@BeUltranormal Makes perfect sense Chris. Thanks for the metaphor. A close second might be open windows/tabs on desktop. I can only keep a few open at a time, which is one of the reasons I hate to be interrupted and promoted to a new task, Without finishing the first one. The joke is that Womem never close open windows/tabs. One of the reasons they have the ability to quickly recall a precise slight I inflicted on my partner 3 years ago. I had zero recollection from my HDD and Certainly not my RAM. That has happened again and again and she gets sore because I honestly can’t remember it. Women must have RAM nearly as large as their HDD. Recall is instantaneous! You would think that all those Open windows/tabs would slow down their processing speed. Not so!

As I say to my members: "What you need on game day, you find in practice". If we need to manage emotions, we need to practice ahead of time, if we need to master conversations, we need to practice ahead of time, if we need to practice being present, we need to practice ahead of time. :) Practice will get us there, always!

@@BeUltranormal Any thoughts on how to globally and specifically “practice” in each of these areas? Do You have a program or can recommend resources that will inform me on what and how to practice? Thank you Chris!🌞😜

Thanks man. I'm trying to bring useful stuff that has helped/helps me and the members. None of this stuff is easy in the moment, but it sets us up for an easier life further down the road!

@@BeUltranormal thank you, Chris! I am trusting that further down the road after hard work and repattterning this will come easier, like it really is a part of the healthier me!🌞😜

I've been there and felt this, for sure. I think it's finding the balance of being able to acknowledge the challenge of ADHD without being bitter/resentful about it nor pretending that it's an inherently good thing. It just 'is', and we can choose how to respond to it. There's 2 stages of emotions: 1) the initial *pang* of it. We can't control this. It lasts maybe 5 seconds. 2) How we interpret that emotion. Focusing on the second stage is crucial in not getting pulled around by our emotions or dwelling on things that are out of our control. This is the difference between being a victim and holding a victim mindset. This is not easy, but for me it's the difference between getting things I want done, or not.

@@BeUltranormal Thanks Chris for your insight and wisdom! Yes! How we (I) interpret the emotion is where I get hung up. Even those the pang is gone I keep it alive long past the initial feeling, both physically and emotionally. For some reason I go into rumination. It maybe that I’m looking for something that is no longer there but was srrong enough I want to keep it alive. Control? Engaging with the familiar patterns of misery and self loathing rather than sitting with it and not ruminating, but “accurately” interpreting that emotion. I seem to struggle so much with what I’m feeling. Often when my girlfriend would ask, what are you thinking about or what you are you feeling right now? And I can’tell her. I really stopped to examine how I am feeling and why. Just surfing🏄‍♂️ the emotion until I crash into the sharp coral in the shallows or hang out with the feeling, churching the waters bringing in the violent emotions and frustrations of my shortcomings and those of others. Ugh brother! And a huge, “f***, I hate living with me and the rolling waves of resentment. (this concludes my surfing metaphor!) Thanks for all you do Chris in tending to the neurodivergent tribe. I really am surprised you don’t have more viewers! Great content always, but obviously a very crowded field! I’m pretty isolated, but the few I do know I’ve sent them your links.

Yeah rejection sensitivity can be part of that too. I did a video on how to handle that a little while back

@@BeUltranormal thanks Chris, working my way through them at the moment.. As much as my attention allows. Your aren't super long which is great. Don't know why other ahdh content creators make such long videos. I haven't a hope of watching it all.

It can be a lot to retain all that information, it's always good to stay ahead of the curve, make sure you're organized, emotionally regulated etc... So that you can show up in the best way in those moments

No worries! Thanks for watching!

Hey Paul! Glad you found it helpful! Thanks for stopping by

Congrats on booking the test! Yeah it can often happen by one person having a diagnosis and then you start to ask yourself if you have similar experiences. Thanks for stopping by and I'm honored to be part of your journey :)

@@BeUltranormal thanks Chris, I'm learning a lot from your content 😊

@@davidleonard37 🤗🤗

🙌🏻

yep! :)

England!

Thanks so much for the kind words! That means a lot. And yeah it can take a lot to finally recognize our own thought patterns and changing them over time. Cultivating great relationships can feel difficult at first, but ultimately for us ADHDers, we are damn adaptable and some of the absolute best relationships I've seen have been ADHDers. We can absolutely use it to our advantage. Keep growing!

Thank you so much! <3 That honestly means a lot