This can be so true for me sometimes.

Makes sense, helpful advice, thanks!

Wow, yeah on all of that! It seems that this is also related to unmasking and getting/being comfortable with it. I haven't heard anyone yet mention the disconnect (and energy drain) between the theoretical person and the reality person. When that has happened, it was so self-disappointing and confusing. I'm the sensitive type, and my (pretty, extroverted, popular) sibling used to "should" on me a lot. My sibling still did as an adult, I had to go non-contact with them for a lot of reasons, it's been very helpful to my overall well-being.

I've lived my whole life not wanting kids. The social pressure to get pregnant to have a kid, is intense. I even had a meltdown, in front of someone, who insisted I should have a kid. I'm in menopause now. So I got more reasons than my own opinion to not have a kid.

Thanks for this! I've been releasing bits of self-blame, and it really does help, along with giving me more compassion and understanding of others.

Correct. It's about the origins of 'P'DA. Most of the messages we've had from the herd have been negative, so the exceptions definitely feel like encouragement for being less like we are the rest of the time. That's really semantically identical to "fuck you". The fact we want to cry at rituals of social conformity like "If you're happy and you know it" just shows how painful that state of affairs is, and where it's left us. Every compliment about your smile (or whatever) is just a reminder of where you are and what you're worth. I'm going to have a bit of a cry as well. Thanks for that Heather.

Hi Heather, I can relate to this because my career/field of work of the past 30 years is not at all what I wanted, and I don't really want people to think that it is.

I so agree.

I was diagnosed last year at age 54 with ADHD and I'm sure I'm also autistic. I'm especially noticing my sensory needs, and recognising that they are *needs* but it's hard to let go of others' perceptions of me in order to meet them. At the tree nursery with my two closest friends the other day I happened to touch a tree that felt amazing, I could have stayed there stroking it for ages, I really wanted to stay there stroking it for ages, I'm sure it would have been good for me to have done so, but even with my closest friends I'm so aware of how weird that looks. I'm also pretty sure the CFS I was diagnosed with 20+ years ago is severe burnout, and it's getting worse. It's a struggle to do just the everyday basics to keep me and the animals fed and cared for. I don't know how I'd ever be able to get the time to rest as much as I'd need to recover. I feel better for a day and do some extra stuff and them I'm right back into exhaustion again :( Thanks for the video!

So true!

Yeah.

Yeah.

My 'timing' has always been outside of expected parameters. A large chunk of my overbearing anxiety is caused by others wanting me to go faster. If I go faster, I trip, make more mistakes, and dont feel good.

Yes, good points!

I had a similar situation happened to me. I got hired for this company that helps people with disability. I thought it was a dream job for me even though the pay was less it did not matter to me. I was happy. Then tragedy struck for 4 years never had COVID until I worked for the company. I came back and got fired. Their reason was I was not a good fit. No one had a conversation about how I should improve instead they fired me. I was devastated I struggled looking for a job for 4 months. My daughter advised me that I needed to go for a psychological Evaluation which I did. So now my new diagnosis is Autism and ADHD @ 54 on top of being deaf/HOH. Did I know I had Autism not at the time, but as I reflect back I realize oh boy how did I not know?

👍👍👍👍👍

I was under the impression that everyone else was stupid. It sounds narcissistic, but it's literally just a way I've tried to rationalize my reality. Other people seem to get overwhelmed, confused & upset over really simple things that I very easily understand & accept. I don't know how else to explain that. Other people also often seem to have a very misguided relationship with cause and effect, and are able to compartmentalize in ways that just aren't logically intuitive, and rely heavily on bias. It just comes off as stupid to me.

Thank you for this

This happens a lot with my complex PTSD, along with also being on the autism spectrum.

Yup

Thank you for this

Oh yes the past can hurt, but you can either run from it, or learn from it! Says Rafiki. To deny our past is to repeat our past if we forget how to avoid the bad stuff.

</3

I often do this with my complex PTSD.

I love people who are ok with vulnerability. With people being weird. And with people just being their true authentic self. You don’t find that a whole lot.

Im sure being judged for being fake really helps people with trouble openibg up. Great job, doc!

The algorithm was letting me know i had missed this video (I watch all your videos, so I'm not sure how that happened:)), but I'm so glad I watched this one after the last burnout course sessions on internalized ableism. This is such an important and very tricky distinction! And I don't think I could have really understood without the deep dive into ableism. But now I'm seeing it everywhere, and seeing how internalized ableism has been such a huge factor in keeping me stuck in resignation. Ableism says: I can't do it how everyone else is doing it, therefore I can't do it. Where Acceptance says: Yeah, I can't do it how everyone else is doing it. Obviously! And opens us up to creativity and turtle steps and kind of a mystical path that appears as we walk it. And then acceptance becomes self love, which becomes reinvention, which becomes magic.. I mean, hopefully..! At least, those are the possibilities I'm starting to finally see. Thank you!

My sister is rude often. Its obvious she was not masking.. And what she says is truthful. Especially when I respond off topic. ADHD so that's what I do. But we are starting to learn WHY we are like this. I am the youngest of 4 siblings, aged 52 to 66.

Thank you for the reminder 🩵

Anymore?

❤

I love the part you said "You dont mask yourself. You put less energy in it." This is what I also want.❤ It's takes alot energy to masking myself for people please others. So I love what you are cheering 🌞🌸

I haven't been diagnosed and have just considered I _might_ be thus I don't see myself through a "masking/unmasked" lens but it isn't as if I'm deliberately masking any eccentricities for anyone.

Recently I attended a class where the instructor apologized for having to go through a rather boring background presentation at the beginning. When she was done she said something along the lines of "whew the lecture part of this is over, now we can get hands on" and I said "good". A couple classmates looked at me horrified, but I got the vibe the instructor was also on the spectrum and was acutely aware of how boring - yet necessary - the intro to the class was.

I just wish everyone would put in energy to have effective communication. Despite my best efforts and being proactive and patient, I still get rejected over and over when I'm just being nice, calm, and myself.

This is so helpful 😢 I suspect I am on spectrum. I have add innatentive but I'm still struggling with relationships. This makes alot of sense to me and way not be completely exhausted without comprising true self

I love this concept. Subscribed

I've found it very helpful to word statements like, "I'm concerned that [thing I feel strongly, can't believe people wouldn't agree with]". And also, "[thing] seems better to me, at least for how my brain works". Often then the other person describes how the idea-at-hand might work for them or other people/brains, and it expands my awareness.

I was abused alot from a small child onwards. It made me not hurt by insults and truths about myself. I treat people how i expect to be treated with honesty and loyalty. But when I'm honest, even about something that wouldn't hurt me or upset me like if i needed a shower or a haircut or new clothes or had a pimple. I take this all as constructive criticisms to help me fix things. I love fixing things. Everyone else gets offended. It makes society in general feel soft and honestly I'm tired of having to cater to a bunch of people who have had life sugarcoated for them. I spend most of my time in conversations, arguing i wasn't trying to be offensive. I'm over it. Dogs are easier to get along with and more loyal than humans.

Well, I might need to think about the parts that were my fault, the next time I talk to my adult stepchildren.

If you can't be unmasked in front of friends, then they are not friends!! We are not built to mask, the perception of autism is wrong as well as adhd. Masking blocks the natural flow of our central nervous system. You may think it's fine, but it really is not. You have to understand that the central nervous system will regulate in other ways that are negative releases such as bad anxieties, panic attacks, and depression!! The more i am free, the better my mental wellness as well as physical well-being. Think about why the life expectancy is not very positive for old age and i believe there to be a direct correlation with masking and poor overall health. There are too many misconceptions about autism and why it exists, and the same holds true for adhd. We are doing it to ourselves because of public misconceptions and descriptor words that don't fit and have us second-guessing our motives and our thoughts intent. I'm have autism/adhd and have a very unique perspective on my own thoughts, and there are 2 separate thought processes that can compare perspectives just by listening to a podcast from a neuroscientists neurotypical point of view. My thoughts in and of themselves are multifaceted and have an innate ability of self perception. My hyperfixation is learning about autism and how it all feels to me. I have been gathering different perspectives for months. Just some random thoughts but i have to add when i presented my thoughts to my sister and how it feels and she realized that she is on the spectrum and the reason her son like me has Audhd as well as a nonverbal grandson. We are being presented with things based on neurotypical thoughts and yes i realize they collect data for their assessments but what if the interpretation is being skewed with thoughts of uncertainty based on the wrong information. As simple as it is, society is doing us a great disservice for self-help on our thoughts if the information is not entirely true. Self-induced conundrums cause internal confusion, and it misleads us. Just some passing thoughts on this!!👻🤪🌶🤘😎♾️©️

What you are describing fits what i'm doing and also helps me with a Quandary i've had. I have always perceived myself as very low masking, i find it near impossible to be anything but myself. yet i do find myself adapting to and caring a lot about other people's needs. That's hard, but not as hard as masking seems to be, and it is largely in alignment with who i am. Recently i've been wondering if this constitutes masking, and if i've been fundamentally wrong about myself. after your video i'm pretty sure it isnt masking, its jaust me caring

My dad: "Deal with it, that's life" Not the best advice.

My father is autistic. He refuses to admit it, or even consider speaking to a professional to get an opinion, because that would be admitting to the mere possibility. He has no notion of masking, because he has no notion that he has a problem. His behavior is at times so incredibly insufferable that it is impossible for others to coexist with him. It now has reached a point where it is impossible for us to even help him with everyday things in life, because he requires help in a very specific way that makes no practical sense, and he bursts out in an uncontrollable, violent fit of rage if he does not get help in his specific way. I really envy autistic people who have an awareness of their condition.

I think for most people- I don’t know what might trigger them so I have to tip toe around them a lot and mask, for fear of hurting them or saying something wrong. Even for my parents and family I still have a sense that I don’t know them well enough to know exactly .

My problem is I work with practical strangers who visit my home everyday but who I know nothing about so I don’t know what they can tolerate.

Yess , it happens to me all the time. People run away fom me. They pull away.

Is it just me, or does it start to seem like the neurodivergent people are often the ones who are socially considerate, willing to adapt to the expectations of others, and the most kind, and neurotypical behavior is the real problem? Literally we bend over backwards to be acceptable for the neurotypical people in our lives are never satisfied nor do they even think to extend the same courtesy.

I am not sure if I understand your point well, but at least part of it made me reflect on how much energy I spend on talking to people, and that in fact I often opt for being upbeat and funny when maybe it's just a mask. I actually made a few friends uncomfortable when I was in burnout and couldn't be my usual 'cheerful self', and then the covid hit, and then I completely lost touch with these people; and I still wonder how much of it was me unmasked that one time and how much of it was just covid.

Yup. And also learning to smile (putting on a smiling mask) because I somehow had been conditioned into believing that smiling made everyone around me somehow ‘accept’ me more or better. People commenting on my big smile. It became such an automatic response and I did it more and more even when I was crumbling inside. Now I’m less bothered about having to keep up a pretense, but still challenging to then deal with the ‘why the miserable face’ questions. All a learning curve.