10 Hilarious Catholic Jokes

Need a laugh? Comfortable laughing at yourself and not taking life too seriously? Here are ten Catholic Jokes that are sure to give you a chuckle!
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[@buntug]

A Jesuit, Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along the road debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit, walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder and said, so where are you thinking of sending the kid for school?

[@TREVASLARK]

Cool !

[@countdowntime6484]

that was actually a good one

[@gabrielgaranas]

And so the Jesuit ended up teaching the Summa Theologica in an opulent academy

[@onuhrita5009]

This is a very good one

[@beliciamathias]

It's copied from his previous 'religious jokes' video 😂😂..

[@irishstew5867]

I go to the Star War's convention each year, and I am always on the look-out for other Catholics. Do you know how to find them out? I scream out, and say, "May The Force be with you!" Then, I wait and listen to hear someone scream back: "And, also with you"

[@roninelenion4805]

I can't tell you how many times I've accidentally said that.😂

[@youknowbetter1509]

Good one! 😂🏆

[@patquint3291]

Maybe in days past....nowadays a Mass attending Catholic would respond, “And with your spirit” to the priest’s, “May peace (“the force”) be with you.”

[@irishstew5867]

@@patquint3291 Thank You (young whipper-snapper, just kidding no insult intended). Gee, I thought I was the only one who hit the bricks RIGHT AFTER Communion ! HaHa!

[@irishstew5867]

@@patquint3291 Oh, yeah, buddy? I'm so old, I still pray to the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost !! (LOL!)

[@drmadjdsadjadi]

Said to be a true story: A journalist asked Blessed John XXIII (pope from 1958 to 1963) how many people work in the Vatican, the pope paused, thought for a bit and replied, “About half of them.”

[@lorrainericardo8680]

good one

[@badhairdye]

Lovely story. He is Pope Saint John XXIII now, has been since 2014.

[@jamesndirangu1197]

Honesty is the best policy.

[@deecee6780]

I'm sorry, mind to explain a bit hehehe

[@wholeNwon]

Good thing you were specific since there were 2 Pope John XXIII's. But you clearly knew that.

[@hermione3muller674]

A Catholic priest asks a Jewish rabbi: when will you finally start eating pork? The rabbi replies: at your wedding.

[@JoseRios-rc3kx]

Wait could you explain it, I’m a bit slow

[@AS-tz6yo]

Good one🤣🤣🤣

[@steven21736]

@@JoseRios-rc3kx Roman Catholics aren't allowed to marry (edit, I corrected myself below to specify priests but you guys don't seem to be reading that, and to clarify while no Catholic priests can marry after ordination, non-Roman rites allow married men to become priests)

[@steven21736]

@@JoseRios-rc3kx and Jews don't eat pork

[@JoseRios-rc3kx]

@@steven21736 yeah it should have not taken me that long to understand

[@s.a.msacredaltarmusic4923]

From my recently deceased Dad who answered my question on praying unceasingly in his usual colorful and profound way: There was once a boy who liked to pray on the toilet. One day, the devil tempted him,” How disrespectful! You shouldn’t pray when you’re on the toilet.” The boy replied, “What goes up is for God, what goes down is for you!”

[@scottguitar28]

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. He says: "Have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[@nebeyudaniel7709]

Lol

[@joshhiggins7688]

Oh my jeez that's hilarious!!

[@ling6355]

I don't get this one..Pls explain.

[@scottguitar28]

@@ling6355 In the bible, Jesus turned water into wine. The drunk priest is implying that Jesus turned his water bottle into a wine bottle.

[@inimacam3945]

@@ling6355 , hit the bottle , you''ll get it after a coupla swigs.

[@makeamelody1762]

A student looking at his chemistry book exclaims to his distracted mother: Did you know that Protons have mass? Mother: Oh really, I didn't even know they were Catholics!

[@marysbluemantle2550]

hilarious

[@Aisha-721]

Lol

[@sagazinemtew1851]

Lol

[@lorrainericardo8680]

funny

[@mariana8781]

Ahahhahahhaahahhahahaahahahaah

[@drmadjdsadjadi]

After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters. One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”

[@renivanova9860]

I feel this one

[@thingo1510]

Lmao

[@nosuchthing8]

Nice

[@zr3755]

He's not wrong

[@aliciahaley113]

One of my favorite Priests, Father Maroney, was seated next to me at a wedding reception. Father asked me If I would like to know how Holy Water is made. He told me that you take regular water and boil the Hell out of it. God bless you, Father Maroney! 😇🙏🏼💕

[@jen9774]

Love it 🤣🤣🤣

[@rubenmartinez4346]

Jajaja!!!

[@dorik61]

Great!

[@satyannair4837]

Hilarious!!!

[@annamargaretcolongerena8123]

😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@mrs.g.9816]

I remember that joke, "Jesus is watching you"! BTW, I remember being in second grade in parochial school when the nun teaching us our catechism drew a picture of a dove on the blackboard and mentioned the Holy Paraclete. As I was only six and not used to big words, I was mystified. I raised my hand and asked, "Sister, why do you call Him the Holy Parakeet when he looks like a pigeon?" Sister tried not to laugh out loud!

[@mossy642]

An Irish girl moves out. She comes home in an expensive car and a fur coat. Her mother asks where she got all these things from, she whispers in her ear and the mother bursts into tears. The girl hurriedly whispers more, and the mother stops crying. ‘Oh thank God, I thought you said you became a Protestant.’

[@alextopno332]

Continue to blame each other in jokes too

[@AndrielleHillis]

Little Johnny was struggling in math at his public school, so his parents decided to try this one Catholic school they had heard about. Almost instantly, Little Johnny started working harder on his math homework than ever. In fact, he got an 'A' on his first report card, something he had never done before. So, they asked him about it. He responded, "Well, when I got there one of the first places they took me was this large room. In the very front of this room was a picture of a guy nailed to a weird-looking plus sign. It was then that I knew this place was serious about math."

[@andreaskristiaditamba9228]

One of my favorite, LOL!!

[@dharmendrajuvvala6763]

Laughed a lot........

[@Aisha-721]

Lol

[@lorrainericardo8680]

oh dear

[@wolfgangallanalhazred802]

*Deacons of the Deep starts blasting*

[@joseywales3789]

A Catholic School History teacher was teaching the class about Henry VIII and his break with the Catholic Church of Rome when he wanted to Annul his marriage to Catherine of Aragon, his first wife, to marry Anne Boleyn. The teacher looked around the classroom and saw Johnny aimlessly looking out of the window, obviously not paying attention. "Johnny!" The teacher exclaimed "What nationality was Catherine of Aragon?" Johnny replied "Irish, Sir!" The teacher exclaimed, angrily "Irish, what makes you think that Catherine of Aragon was from Ireland?" Johnny answered "Well, with a name like Catherine O'Faragon she'd hardly be anything else!"

[@dickon728]

I must've grown up. I actually found this joke funny. I don't think my 18-year-old self would have.

[@tessietesoro7407]

😂 😂 😂

[@scojo6377]

And that's how misrakes in history books books start. Lol

[@drmadjdsadjadi]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[@annamariethompson116]

😂😂😂

[@econdude3811]

I went to a Jesuit high school. My favorite joke was about the Jesuits wearing swimming suits in the showers and honest to goodness, a kid was at the microphone during a mom prom and he told that joke

[@victoriamariataib7323]

haahahah good one

[@tj87889]

Nice one

[@alancameron2433]

Laughter is good medicine.

[@tomcha75]

A preacher, a priest, and a rabbi were in emergency room. The preacher, with his leg in a cast, said, "I'm here because I tried to convert a bear in the mountains. I ran after him yelling scripture verses and singing hymns. He didn't like it one bit. How about you?" The priest, with casts on his legs and arms, replied, "That's nothing. I tried to bless him with holy water and oils. He didn't like that at all and this is how I ended up." Then they both looked at the rabbi who was in full body cast and asked how he ended up there. The rabbi simply responded, "I tried to circumcise him...."

[@dickon728]

Best!

[@amorlicup9781]

67 0;7

[@amorlicup9781]

“‘

[@markcollins2666]

@@dickon728 Worst.

[@bobbywimsy6741]

Unbearably funny.

[@Cookies_and_Catholicism]

4:33 when the cop says “well Protestant you might as well jump, you’re holding up traffic” I burst out laughing. No offense to our Protestant brothers and sisters. Thank you for making me laugh Fr. Casey!

[@rmdodsonbills]

I also laughed out loud. Then I felt really guilty about that!

[@efandmk3382]

My favorite is an oldie that everyone knows. A crowd was preparing to stone an adulteress when Jesus walked up and said "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone". From the back of the crowd, a single stone was hurled bouncing off the woman's head. Jesus placed his hands upon his hips and said loudly, "MOTHER!!! I've asked you to stop doing that!!!"

[@WaldiKenway]

LOL 🤣

[@florian8599]

OMG! We have that joke in Germany, too! See what the Dogma of the Immaculate Conception got us: A joke!

[@cristineevangelio5223]

😂😂😂

[@cherylcarpenter4698]

That was good lol 😋

[@lindahandley5267]

First time for me! LOL.

[@SaintCharbelMiracleworker]

😂 The "protestant" one made me think of Professor Roy Schoeman the Jewish convert. Before he converted he said he went to a monastery in France. He sat in on their daily life of prayer, working the gardens, sewing etc. The monks were silent 6 days of the week but on Thursdays they were allowed to talk, the monks approached him and said, "we have seen you here and was wondering which faith tradition are you from, we were only told that you aren't Catholic". Roy said nervously "Oh I'm Jewish", they responded "Thank God, for that we thought you were Protestant".

[@pounamubts7802]

that's true....and shows the LORD 's humour

[@ColHogan-bu2xq]

There's not so much difference, actually...

[@PhilomenaSK]

Hahahaha! I remember him telling that, hilarious!

[@kichigan1]

I'm a proud Catholic. My family, grandma and her grandma, before her were Catholics and my house was full of Catholic jokes prayers full of wisdom. I truly appreciate this.

[@alf6259]

I once knew a proud catholic priest until he killed himself a day before his court date for sexual assault of a 11 year old boy. Father Desmond McGrath.

[@tonmarinaxxzz]

@@alf6259 always political rhetoric. This is not the forum for it. Unfortunately there are bad people in all walks of life. That is a sad commentary on the human race

[@dickon728]

@@alf6259 Beat it.

[@alf6259]

@@dickon728 what's the matter, does the truth hurt?

[@ksman9087]

@@alf6259 And you think that all denominations and many independent churches do not have a problem with this? The point that ton and Richard are trying to make is that this KZbin video is about religious jokes, not politics and other issues.

[@gunnarthorsen]

Here's a favorite: "There was an order of cloistered nuns that took a vow of silence, except that every five years, they could go and kneel before the abbess one at a time during chapter and speak. One year, Sister Polycarp told the abbess, "My bed is hard." Five years later, Sister Polycarp told the abbess, "The monastery is cold." After another five years she said to the abbess, "The roof leaks", at which point the abbess threw up her hands in despair and said, "Enough Sister Polycarp! All you do is complain, complain, complain!"

[@jennyperrio4887]

That joke is so funny Gave me a really good laugh at a time filled with sorrow in my life I thank you so much Jenny 😘

[@youknowbetter1509]

@@jennyperrio4887 I hope things are better for you now, Jenny. 🙏

[@bobbywimsy6741]

@@jennyperrio4887 May the comfort of Jesus be with you.

[@willsmom93]

Here’s one for you: A Baptist Preacher, a Catholic Priest, and an Evangelical Minister die and go to Heaven. St. Peter is completely flustered as he wasn’t expecting them yet and is not ready. In desperation, he puts in a call to Hell and asks for Satan. He tells the Devil of his predicament and asks if he can send them to Hell for a few hours. Although Satan admits that it is highly unusual, he tells St. Peter to send them down. After about an hour, St. Peter gets a desperate call from Satan demanding that he take the three back immediately. St. Peter asks why. The Devil replies, “The preacher baptized everyone, the priest forgave all their sins. The minister collected enough money to install air conditioning!”

[@moondust2365]

Lol XD Although, I would've expected the Catholic Priest to collect money as well. That's what Churches do here in my country, so I assumed that's also the case in America considering churches there obviously also need maintenance, plus food for the priests and nuns.

[@sabrinawanderer7560]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@sabrinawanderer7560]

Another joke: It was said that there was once a Chinese guy who when upon passing away, went to heaven immediately. Upon inspecting Heaven, he talked to St. Peter and asked if he could pay a visit to hell. Saint Peter was flustered and in shock. He asked the Chinese guy why? The Chinese man said: "Well, i think if i go to hell i can be able to sell ice there so i can make more money." St. Peter fainted.😄 I read this one from a book i can't remember what that book was but this story got stuck in my head for a lifetime.😂

[@marivicdelfin6017]

@@moondust2365 evangelical ministers are better at asking for money. They require 10% tithe. Whereas Catholic priests asks for goodwill, any amount is welcome.

[@drmadjdsadjadi]

Honestly I think that St. Peter should sue but where in Heaven will he ever find a lawyer?

[@danielwey]

A priest was hearing confessions of a catholic school class, and the first kid said: "I would like to confess that I threw peanuts in the river". Then the second kid confessed the same sin "I threw peanuts in the river". Then the third, fourth, and so on, until the last kid came to confess. The priest asked: "Tell me, did you happen to throw peanuts in the river?". "No", he answered. "Peanuts is my nickname".

[@artgutierrez6924]

Awwww, I heard this one from Bishop Fulton Sheen!

[@sweettoothmarie7304]

😂

[@beccabush1252]

🤣🤣🤣

[@sabrinawanderer7560]

😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@insultigknightuscantstands4648]

Cant help but feel bad for peanuts

[@joeyjamison5772]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are in a boat out fishing in a lake one morning. After a half hour later, the priest says he needs to make a bathroom visit and stands up, leaves the boat and walks across the water to the shoreline where he does his business before returning to the boat. When he returns, the minister says he needs to go too and likewise walks across the water to the shore and then returns to the boat. The rabbi, amazed at seeing this, thinks "Well, I'm as good as these two" and stands up and leaves the boat, but falls completely into the lake. As they're pulling him out of the water, the priest turns to the minister and says "You think we should have told him where the stones are?"

[@gunnarthorsen]

Another favorite: An old Irish priest goes into the pulpit to give his sermon, and he begins it by saying, "Some day, every man, woman and child in this parish - is going to die." And he hears a laugh coming from the back of the church, so he clears his throat and repeats: "I said, some day, every man, woman and child in this parish - is going to die", and he hears the laugh again. Annoyed, he raises his voice and says, "You there, in the back! Why are you laughing? Didn't you just hear me say that someday every man, woman and child in this parish is going to die? And a man in the back replies, "Yes Father, I did. But I'm not from this parish!"

[@kadda1212]

Had to translate this one: A priest is on vacation in Africa. Suddenly he finds himself surrounded by lions. He can't escape. He falls to his knees and prays: "Please, dear God, help me! Show me a sign of your mercy and order these lions to behave like good Christians!" He looks up and sees that the lions are sitting around him in a circle, their eyes closed, paws folded in prayer, they say: "Bless us, oh Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive from thy bounty..."

[@ghert95]

Did you translate it from Spanish? Because I know the joke in Spanish XD

[@khong2007]

That’s hilarious 😂

[@amarynthia2990]

HAHAHAHAHA

[@symmone]

I burst out laughing at this! 😂😂 I even called my dad to tell him, it was just that funny!

[@luna9065]

Oh,my God, I can't stop laughing...

[@paulkelly9803]

One of my favourites is an amusing incident that doesn’t quite work anymore since the Missal was retranslated. But it still makes me smile. Back in the days before the third edition of the Missal was released a Priest was celebrating mass and He reverently did the sign of the Cross and said the three holy names. But then he tapped the microphone in confusion and raised up his hands in confusion. “There’s something wrong with this microphone!”. The people all replied: “And also with you!”. We laughed and laughed and laughed at that one 😂😂😂😂

[@kendavis7248]

Hahaha , no it's still funny.

[@UnbornLivesMatter]

🤣🤣🤣

[@jillquinlan4065]

That's hilarious.

[@isiwaktu2525]

Hahaha....

[@sarahsabino7279]

That is funny!!!! 🤣🤣

[@mariogonzalez-gf7ur]

At catichism class the teacher says why is it very important to keep very quiet at mass? a little boy jumps up "so we dont wake up all the people who are asleep

[@delby66]

Brilliant!!!! one

[@mariogonzalez-gf7ur]

¿Why? ¿Haven't YOU fallen asleep at mass?

[@mariogonzalez-gf7ur]

@@yellowbird5 This WAS a protestant joke except I changed it

[@janettamcgee8124]

@@yellowbird5 Don't be so cranky. It's a joke. And yes, Southern Baptists fall asleep during worship service. Please have a good day.

[@hermione3muller674]

A carpenter dies at 40 years of age and cones to the pearly gates, meets St Peter and complains: hey, I am still young, how come I was already taken here? St Peter checks his records and says: according to the number of working hours you charged your clients, you must be at least 90 years old.

[@edsalinas9996]

This jokes works much better with a Lawyer as the complainer.

[@heru-deshet359]

And he still made it to Heaven?!!

[@lonelyberg1808]

I don't understand

[@heru-deshet359]

@@lonelyberg1808 Not worth explaining. It's really simple.

[@gillianbergh7002]

@@heru-deshet359 It was because of his family or business connections. Jesus's step-dad was a carpenter.

[@pandafam0416]

Because you're a Father, does this mean you're telling Dad Jokes?

[@kinndah2519]

😂🤣😅

[@jonathanorta9269]

I think he is a brother

[@cubenerf]

@@jonathanorta9269 he's a priest

[@athinathomas3559]

Nice one

[@elenaelena223]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@Arkay67]

I’m Eastern Orthodox and these apply as well to us. Thanks

[@jesusnavarro3175]

No competition lol

[@seyfunega2018]

Yes

[@pravolub8]

Yeah, somewhat. We Orthodox, however, don't believe in the Immaculate Conception, or the Dogma of the Assumption as defined in Roman Catholicism, which leaves open the question of whether or not the Theotokos actually died.

[@swordforjustice]

@@pravolub8 in the Orthodox Church, it is believed that the Theotokos (Birthgiver of God), did die, was resurrected, and brought to Heaven. This occurrence is observed as the Dormition of the Theotokos.

[@pravolub8]

@@swordforjustice Yes I know, but in the Roman Catholic dogma of the Assumption, the question of whether she actually died before her Assumption is vague because it's about being "exempt from "the stain of Original Sin" (the Dogma of the Immaculate Conception), and not about Christ's conquest of death. Does being Immaculately conceived mean that she is naturally immortal? The official dogma in Roman Catholicism is therefore vague on whether she died or not. A better and more detailed explanation than I can give can be found in Clark Carlton's book on Roman Catholicism, from the "The Faith" series, published by Regina Press.

[@snowwhite5842]

My favorite (true) saying, “that doesn’t scare me, I was taught by nuns.”

[@amymhchan1584]

😳 mm hmmm 😃😄

[@dawhizinoz]

Gonna have to adopt this one. Thanks Snow White!👍

[@cephoras]

A man goes to confession and the priests asks him to recount his sins. "I've stolen bricks from a construction site. I drive by every day after work and I started out only taking a few but now I'm addicted to the thrill and I've been stealing them every day." The priest sighs, and says "This is serious and you need to stop immediately. Are you sorry for what you did?" "Yes, Father," says the man. "Then I want you to put a dollar in the poor box and make a novena to St. Joseph." The man was silent for a minute and then said "Okay, father, I'll put a dollar in the poor box. I don't know how to make a novenna but if you have the plans I got the bricks."

[@dariodiscipulo5303]

I couldn’t stop laughing out loud that I woke up my protestant wife at 1:00 AM! Haha! Thanks so much for the laughter and inspiration, Fr. Casey! God bless you more!

[@alextopno332]

Be busy with lady bird

[@bobbywimsy6741]

Respectfully, did she respond to the interrupted sleep by exclaiming, E protestanti?

[@wmobberley4416]

Best joke I ever heard from the pulpit was this one: A man goes to confession and he says: "Father, I am assailed by evil thoughts." "We're all assailed by evil thoughts." says the priest. "It's the human condition. It's only a sin if you entertain them." "Well, they rather entertain me."

[@bethanyrose2023]

😂😂😂

[@mariafc3814]

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂 it is the best!

[@franciscoherdeiro96]

"I'm sorry daddy, i've been a bad girl" "I'll tell you again. It's "forgive me father for I've sinned" "

[@cledwynstafford4819]

...i don't get it.

[@adarsh6857]

Underrated It would have been better if she says she was a naughty girl 😂

[@idrinkrawmilk554]

@@cledwynstafford4819 That means your innocent and clean. 🙏🏻

[@dickon728]

​@@cledwynstafford4819 Catholics confess their sins to a priest to have them forgiven so that if they die they won't go to Hell. The girl was making her confession to the priest. The normal way to begin one's confession is by saying: "Forgive me father for I've sinned." But she didn't and the priest is correcting her. That's the funny part.

[@tracegrimes]

the drinking man with the brothers made me laugh so hard to the point of tears, and I'm not even catholic.

[@14stuyvesantoval]

A priest hired a young lady as his housekeeper. As time went on, she did great work, but he noticed that she got into the habit of referring to things in the rectory as "hers." "Father, my stove does not work." "Father, my vacuum cleaner is broken," etc. One day, he says to her, "Listen, don't refer to things around here as 'yours,' but as 'ours.' Say, our sink, our typewriter, etc., etc." So one day, the bishop was there, and the housekeeper comes running in and says: "Father, come quickly! There is a mouse under our bed!"

[@Telepian]

Not Lutheran, but I believe Martin was inspired by God.

[@polyfoxgames9006]

I'm sorry can u explain it? Is it because it sounds like they are sleeping together?

[@atomium7503]

@@polyfoxgames9006 yea

[@sabrinawanderer7560]

😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@maggyshiquow3258]

hahahahaa,nice one

[@lindajnichols1628]

I was doing the music at an interfaith conference. It was lunch break. We needed to discuss the afternoon's talks and music. So the speakers, a Catholic priest, a rabbi, a local minister, and me, go to a local tavern to avoid the crowd. The men walked in the door and the bartender looks up and says, "Don't tell me, I'm in the middle of a joke, RIGHT?" True story.

[@ridley_boi8272]

heh

[@pounamubts7802]

THANK YOU !!!!! LOL ....guffaw

[@robertagajeenian7222]

This is really the BEST one!

[@janettamcgee8124]

@pastor cool You won! I'm sitting here laughing to the point that my dog is staring at me. Thank you, I needed that.

[@tc2882]

weak. And a ripoff of an old joke... I call BS.

[@TimothyRCrowe]

Thought I'd throw in one old Episcopalian joke ( as we are often called "Whiskeypalians'): Where ever you find four Episcopalians, there will be a Fifth.

[@pravolub8]

I have an old Pope joke, 😂. It's really bad. Why does the Pope wear swimming trunks in the shower? So he doesn't have to look down on the unemployed. 😂😂

[@ksman9087]

Whenever I heard that joke, years ago, it was always Catholics.

[@bobbywimsy6741]

Gives fresh meaning to that Constitutional Amendment, and what really went during the debate over the Constitution and Amendments, 1787, 1791, respectively.

[@bobbywimsy6741]

@@pravolub8 it's not religious but you reminded me of the time Winston Churchill was seated on a dais preparing to rise and speak. His secretary leaned over to Mr.Churchill, and informed the PM that his zipper was open. Never fear, said the PM, Dead sparrows rarely fall out of nests.

[@louisberec5912]

A sinner at confession: "Father, I kicked my bossy mother in law out of my house." Confessor: "My son, tell me your sins first and leave your good deeds for later."

[@TIBKProductions]

10,000 IQ

[@-SirWhitemeat-]

Why do Catholics ( correct me if I'm wrong ) ask their "father" for them to pray for them.

[@-SirWhitemeat-]

I'm a Christian and I believe you should pray and repent to god yourself. ( I'm not sure if Catholics do that to )

[@-SirWhitemeat-]

So what are the difference between Catholics and Christians ( other than the virgin mary and nun things )?

[@drmadjdsadjadi]

@@-SirWhitemeat- I am not Catholic (or Protestant, for that matter) so a Catholic might want to weigh in on this if I get anything wrong about Catholic doctrine or Catholic beliefs about Protestant doctrine (and you can correct me if I misrepresent Protestant doctrine or Protestant beliefs about Catholic doctrine) but I think this answer your questions, which I believe have not yet been addressed. All Catholics are Christians, without exception. Anyone who says or thinks otherwise is wrong. This is a definitionally factual statement and is literally not subject to debate.. What Catholics are clearly not is Protestant, which is why some Protestants incorrectly argue that Catholics are not Christians. So much for the facts that really cannot be disputed. The rest of this deals with how each side sees the other and thus my further statements may be subject to debate. The key differences between Catholics and Protestants, according to the Protestants, are the five solae that formed the Basis of the Protestant Reformation. But, at least some of the gap, but certainly not all of the gap, between the two groups are simply due to misunderstandings as to what the two groups believe than true actual differences: The five solae are: Sola scriptura ("by Scripture alone") Sola fide ("by faith alone") Sola gratia ("by grace alone") Solus Christus or Solo Christo ("Christ alone" or "through Christ alone") Soli Deo gloria ("glory to God alone") With respect to your specific question about confession, when you confess your sins to the priest, you are also confessing to god, not because the priest is god or because he is an intercessor but rather because god is also listening to everything we say and even think. Thus there is no incompatibility between praying and repenting to god yourself and going to confessional, but there is clearly an incompatibility between praying and repenting to god ALONE and going to confessional. There are scriptural reasons that the Catholic Church holds the sacrament of confession but one of the key factors is that the RESULTS of your sins are not exclusively between you and god but also between you and the community and that mere confession alone is not sufficient for forgiveness, but rather atonement is required as well. Mouthing the words, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, I won’t do it again” are insufficient by themselves as true repentance and forgiveness would require. After all, would we, as a society, accept that if someone commits a crime that all they have to do is ask forgiveness and all will be made better without the need for actual atonement? The priest, in his capacity as someone who takes confessions, serves as the spiritual representative for Christ on Earth as well as the representative for the community and has been ordained to provide spiritual advance to the confessor to help with the spiritual healing that necessarily must be part of any true repentance..Trying to do this alone separates us from understanding what is required to learn from the experience so that we may move closer to the unattainable ideal of “go forth and sin no more.” While the Protestant might argue that we must abide by the five solae, that does not mean we have nothing to do with it, for “faith without works is dead.” You are not saved by your works (including atonement) but you have to accept the gift of grace through your act or faith and you really have not done so if you are not atoning for your sins. Basically the Catholic answer to sola fidae, is faith and works are inseparable. If you do not have faith, no amount of good deeds will save you, but if merely say you have faith without acting on that faith, you really do not have faith at all, since from faith will automatically spring forth good works. Works are important as expressions of faith and, equally important, act as completion of that faith. As it says in James 2:22, “You see that faith was active along with his works, and faith was completed by works”. So when a Catholic says you need both works and faith for your salvation, while Protestants say you need faith alone, both sides protest too much because faith and works are inherently inseparable from one another. Thus there is no contradiction once each side properly understands the other.

[@lindahandley5267]

You are a precious and special young man. You've brought some fun and light into our lives in these awful times! God will bless you! Thank you!

[@joesiemer3937]

Once there was a man exiting a bar who was suddenly stopped by a nun. She began lecturing him about the evils of alcohol and how if he didn’t change his ways, he would eventually die and find himself in Hell. The man then asked her “have you ever even had a drink in your life?” to which the nun informed him that no, she had not. The man then offered to buy the nun some whiskey so she could know what it was she was preaching against. The nun said “I couldn’t possibly, what would people think? However, if you would bring it out in a coffee mug I would then give it a try.” The man agreed to this and went back into the bar and ordered some whiskey in a coffee mug. Upon hearing the order the bartender exclaimed “Oh no, is it that damn nun again?”

[@elanafelberg1733]

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!

[@reidamemer1]

Oh noooooooo😂😂

[@KernriverMerle]

Dave Allen :D

[@ColHogan-bu2xq]

😂

[@tessietesoro7407]

😂 😂 😂

[@kencollins1186]

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"" A minister, a priest, and a rabbit walk into bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, "What will you have?" The rabbit says, "I don't know. I'm only here because of autocorrect.'

[@edsalinas9996]

I get it!

[@mackymoo1329]

bruh. Took me a while but its just a smart one for me. You got me xD but I was looking for a good joke. Sorry. XD

[@fintamariaanna5858]

I know a different version, a priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into Red Cross to donate blood. The rabbit looks around and says "I think I might be a type-O"

[@DanieltheTruebadour]

Yahweh, God and Allah walk into a bar, order some brews (Yahweh asks for an ale from His fave Hebrewery, Israelite -- the same full taste of Israel but with half the calories), and commence arguing theology. A fellow sitting at the end of the bar asks the bartender, "What's that old man muttering to himself about?" I know a bunch of you won't get it, so I'll save you the head-scratching. There ain't three Gods. They're all the same, just different names for the God of Abraham. The fellow at the bar is perceptive enough to see that. He just sees the One.

[@giuseppelogiurato5718]

Oops, I accidentally retold the same two jokes!

[@sambeach2726]

A priest finds his church has a mouse problem. He trapped a few and poisons them with bait, and still there are mice. He calls in a pest guy who fumigates the church. Still there are mice. He rings up his Bishop and explains about the mice, The bishop says “Just baptise them and you’ll never see most of them again”.

[@ColHogan-bu2xq]

@pastor cool Wow...

[@kristianfogarty9674]

Hi, my friend. Here is my favourite Catholic joke. A man joined a cloistered order and one of the things he noticed was that the same food was served for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Also, all the meals were eaten in silence except for one elderly monk who would say "Hebrews, Chapter 13 verse 8" before every meal. After a week or so of this ritual, he was intrigued and decided to look up this passage in the bible. When he did he burst out laughing as it said "Jesus Christ!, the Same, Yesterday, Today and Forever!"

[@fabiankagaruki2461]

Hahhahhhahhh😀😀😀😀😀

[@margaretmari]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT USING OUR BLESSED LORD JESUS' NAME IN VAIN ? MORTAL SIN.....THAT'S WHAT THIS JOKE IS BRINGING ABOUT IN YOUR LIFE.....MORTAL SIN SEPARATES YOU FROM GOD, THEREBY ETERNITY !!! STOP NOW !!!! and don't try that crap about me taking things too seriously......you KNOW I'm speaking the Truth to you......

[@KorenJoy]

@@margaretmari it's funny because it's out of the monk's character

[@cindyshipway5997]

Forgive me Lord. I find humor here also. I see no use of your name in vain. Just used for joy. Jesus loves his name bringing us joy

[@dorothydeyoung8280]

One of my faves is about the man whose house was sitting on his porch with raging flood waters almost up to the porch level. A couple of guys in a rowboat came to rescue the man, but he said, "No thanks. God will save me". The storm continued until the flood waters were up to the second storey. Again, men in the rowboat came by again begging the man to get in the boat, & the man declined saying"God will save me!" Now the man had to sit on his roof to get away from the flood. A rescue helicopter came by but the man still refused. The man died & went to heaven. God was giving him a tour of the kingdom, and the man asked God, "I had such faith in you, but why didn't you save me from the flood?" God replied, Well, I sent two boats and a helicopter!

[@zendriagoodwinkins1071]

omg so true we sometimes miss the mark this is my new fav joke thank you 🥰

[@anneahlert2997]

Every antivaxxer & antimasker who thinks their faith in God alone will save them from the pandemic, really NEEDS to read this one.

[@christopherstoney4154]

A priest paid a visit to a nearby monastery famous for its fine wines and preserves, in hope of finding a locally sourced communion wine. While picking out his wine, his eye was caught by a beautiful handwoven wall hanging depicting all the phases of winemaking - barefoot monks stomping the grapes, monks decanting the fermented fluid into bottles for aging, and monks at the table merrily enjoying the finished product. The priest adored this work of art and decided to purchase it to hang in his church. He didn't feel it was appropriate to hang in the sanctuary, so he decided to hang it in the sacristy adjoining the chancel where the congregants could view it while filing out of communion. They all seemed happy with this new addition, but then, would anyone really be able to say "The Trappist tapestry in the sacristy is a travesty"?

[@christinemeleg4535]

The dentist tried to help me relax during a dental procedure by telling Catholic jokes, we, the dentist, his assistant and I were laughing so hard it was amazing he was able to finish!

[@ColHogan-bu2xq]

God bless you all ! ✝️

[@drmadjdsadjadi]

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were camping in the woods when suddenly a bear came after them. The Franciscan looks over at the Jesuit who is putting on tennis shoes and says, “What are you doing that for? You can’t outrun a bear!” The Jesuit replies, “I do not need to outrun a bear. I just need to outrun you.” The Jesuit flees and the Franciscan drops to his knees and prays to God to make the bear a good Christian bear. To his surprise, the bear stops just inches from him and drops to its knees as well to say, “Thank you Lord for this meal I am about to receive...”

[@piglin469]

Well thats dark

[@synyster_gaitas]

I loled for real.

[@squirrels24seven]

XDDDDD

[@blackfalkon4189]

@@piglin469 worse: it's grisly

[@dickon728]

A rare double-barrelled joke. Hit 'em with the first barrel and when they're least expecting it finish 'em off with the second.

[@vinniy32]

Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community so the Pope offered a deal. He would hold a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, both sides agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger and shook it at the Pope. Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy. Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger, shaking it to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.” "Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God is all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God is also right here with us.” "I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.” "He beat me at every move and I could not continue." Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," the rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy so I shook my finger saying no.” "Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

[@Shantell204]

😂😂😂😂

[@flordelbosque5671]

That's so funny! Hahaha 😂

[@crohunter100]

Oh my

[@sabrinawanderer7560]

Lunch?????? That is the Holy Eucharist!!!!😂😂😂😂😂 Great misunderstanding😂😂😂😂

[@SaintCharbelMiracleworker]

🤣 Hilarious

[@reidamemer1]

When Jesus was telling his decipels about preaching in the church Jesus said "So then I told them I was the son of God, and they were like "NO WAY!" And I was like Yahweh😏"

[@petera.6568]

Legit funny 🤣🤣🤣

[@dickon728]

Cutely biblical and funny.

[@janettamcgee8124]

That's a new one to me. It is so corny but I'm laughing. Love it.

[@andrewasonibare]

Underrated - love it 😁

[@bobbywimsy6741]

Jesus frees us from our sneezes, wheezes, and in the end, our diseases. Humor and music help.

[@MS-xi7zg]

"Hey Father, how do you get that holy water anyway?" "Oh, we just boil the hell out of it."

[@kstepko]

I’m a Lutheran pastor and tell this one all the time. People are always so intrigued, thinking I’m about to tell them some sort of behind the scenes information. 😂

[@ryanpetner1030]

There is a priest that says a joke at the end of each mass. One of his jokes was something along the lines of this: Jesus and Satan were arguing about who was better. God the father then steps in and says, “We will see which of you is better. You guys will compete to see who can do better with a computer.” So, Jesus and satan start doing the competition. They do things such as making websites, downloading things, and they finally started to type a 5,000 word article and then had to print it. Satan was in the lead. Just as Satan was about to print out his page, the power went out. When they power went back on, everything Satan did was deleted, but everything Jesus did was still there. “NO! THIS IS SABOTAGE!” Satan shouted. “No.” God the father said. “Unlike you, Jesus saves.” And then Jesus finishes his article and printed it out, then won the competition.

[@elysemike2157]

😅😅

[@jgil1966]

That’s a pretty good one

[@mrjr5076]

😂 Good one !

[@queenofhearts7726]

Ryan Petner 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 awesome!

[@KathrynSrce3719]

That's a good one. 😂🤣

[@NKBobcat]

This reminds me of when I was a young boy and Father Iannotti from St Ann's parish in Hamden, CT was being humorous with our group as he trained us for the procession for our First Holy Communion. He told a few jokes and the thing I remember the most was that he said this will be the first time and subsequently the only time we could stick our tongue out at a priest.

[@Lizjean810]

But it is not the ONLY time.

[@JS-wq4nf]

Cana of Galilee, 6 am after the wedding. Guests wake up with a hangover. One, very thirsty, calls out "water, water". Jesus jumps "I will bring it". The guest replies: "O Jesus, anyone but you."

[@drmadjdsadjadi]

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

[@realThomastheCat]

Wtf 🤣

[@Jeni10]

drmadjdsadjadi That makes me think of my early childhood. One of the hymns we had learned was Hail, Queen of Heaven. I often used to wonder what kind of tea "iniquity" was! ( Remind thy Son that He has paid the price of our iniqui tea)

[@sofiemelara6318]

👍👍🤩

[@snoopybrown2438]

Good one...👌

[@jaymacintyre1777]

😂😂

[@Michael-rx7ff]

Cardinal Mahony was the archbishop of Los Angeles. He loved liturgical bells during the consecration. Once, the altar boy forgot the bells in the sacristy. The boy yelled out “RING RING RING... RING RING RING...RING RING RING!” 🔔 🔔 🔔

[@isiwaktu2525]

Problem solved

[@reezachity3075]

That's a good one.

[@jamestouchette859]

Fun fact! Well, I just recently learned this... there are four times during the Mass that the bells can be wrung. I've never personally seen the fourth time used during Mass but they can be wrung when the Preist receives the Body and Blood as well as the three times during consecration.

[@Michael-rx7ff]

James Touchette I didn’t know that, thank you for telling me that, James.

[@ernestogalura97]

Smart altar boy.

[@florian8599]

And the comment section also has some funny jokes to offer!

[@johncarsone1579]

Thank you Friar, You made my day! As a Secular Franciscan I'm happy always to see unabridged Franciscan joy!!!

[@jimnewl]

A drunk stumbles out of a bar. Spying a nun in full traditional habit standing on the streetcorner, he makes his way over to her. Wobbling terribly, he looks her up and down for several seconds before punching her and knocking her to the ground. He struts off with a self-satisfied air: "So, you're not so tough after all, are you, Batman?"

[@ghert95]

Some of those jokes are so bad, they're good XD

[@Snails888]

Priests are called “Father,” which canonically obligates them to tell dad jokes.

[@ghert95]

@@Snails888 Good point! 😂

[@ironymatt]

@@Snails888 Now that, my friend, is not a half bad joke!

[@misscatholicism1320]

😂👍

[@elainedoughty1117]

Ray dead ok sorry for angel 🙏 thanks you both true son love to church English uk one bless you always life word love

[@wesplybon9510]

Protestant here... I do love good religious jokes. I hadn't heard any of these that were actually catholic specific, but the ones that cross denominational boundaries well I had heard. The last is probably my favorite. My favorite catholic specific one was probably the kid in confession XD

[@rockslide2258]

There should be a bunch of funny Protestant jokes, somewhere.

[@briankady1456]

I'm Episcopalian, and one of our favorite jokes is that if there are four Episcopalians standing around visiting, there's bound to be a fifth.

[@nancyjanzen5676]

I remember the first time I heard it the parrot was named Moses.

[@nancyjanzen5676]

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are in a noat fishing. The minister gets up steos out of the noat and waljs to shore. A little later the priest also stepped out and waljed to shore. He looked at the minister and said: " Shoukd we have told the rabbi where the stepping stones are."

[@dennisdaily8700]

What a charismatic, delightful and articulate young man.

[@alexei.basyuk]

When you said charismatic, I immediately thought about the denomination of charismatics. I thought, “I mean, he’s a catholic ain’t he”…

[@samuelbhend2521]

I would have a good one, but it only really works in german:( Anyway here it is: A Priest bought two big bags of really cheap coffee on his holidays. As the plane descended towards the airport, he suddendly remembered that he has to go through the customs and actually pay for his cheap coffee, which he definately didn't wanted. He also knew that a regular visitor of his church worked at the customs, so he would be recognized and could not lie either. So he decided to go through customs with a bag of coffee under each arm. And yes, the man he knew was at duty that day. The man asked him: "Father, did you purchase anything at your holidays wich you have to pay duty(toll?) for?" - "No, my son, I've only bought two big bags of really cheap coffe," the Priest said, "aber ich habe ihn schon unter den Armen verteilt!" (English: but I have already shared it between the poor) The joke there is: "Arm" in german means both arm and also poor.... hope it's somewhat understandable and funny...

[@strandjutter2]

It's understandable for dutchmen too. "Ik heb de koffie onder de armen verdeeld." Nice. :D

[@spillymcspillmore3426]

I enjoyed it (but I learned German in High School, so that probably helped)

[@dovebair]

Don't speak any German but you told the joke perfectly!

[@squirrels24seven]

Xd

[@samuelbhend2521]

@@dovebair thanks:)

[@wmobberley4416]

Think Catholics cannot laugh at themselves or their church? Try this one: The pope visits Clapham Junction railway station and the station master shows him around and asks the pope if he would like to make the announcements for fun and the pope agrees. "There will be no trains on platform 6 tonight." says the pope, reading from a prompter. "Please move to platform 9." Everyone moves to platform nine, saying: "Wow. Did you hear that? I could swear that was the holy father speaking." However, there is a small group still sat on their suitcases on platform six. Again the pope says: "There are no trains on platform six for the rest of the day. Please, everyone on platform six, move to platform nine." Still the little group remain sat there on platform six. "Don't worry about it." says the pope. "I know who they are. It's the bishops of England and Wales and they never pay attention to anything the pope says."

[@marylaralara7839]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂This is a good one!

[@reezachity3075]

Yes, and thank God they don't listen to the Pope.

[@rajapalamittam7530]

@@reezachity3075 You beat me to it, I was just going to say how his infallibility just does not seem to work in England and with the WASP crowd, the descendents of the Pilgrim Fathers, in the USA.

[@kell_checks_in]

@@rajapalamittam7530 Actually, Ex Cathedra wouldn't be used for train announcements anyway. Even Pius VI revised his own missile.

[@alextopno332]

No work yet confusion

[@drmadjdsadjadi]

Not exactly a Catholic joke but still one I love about Christianity: Jesus and two Pharisees were sitting in a boat on the Sea of Galilee when the Pharisees challenged Jesus to demonstrate a better miracle than they could. The first Pharisee took off his cap and tossed it in the water. He then reached into the water and pulled out the cap. Miraculously both the cap and his hand were completely dry. The second Pharisee took off his cap and tossed it ten yards away from the boat. He dove into the water, swam to the cap, picked it up, swam back, got back in the boat. Again, completely dry. Jesus tosses his cap one hundred yards away from the boat. He walks on the water to retrieve the hat, walks back and gets in the boat, once again, completely dry. The next day the Jerusalem Post's headline was "Jesus Can't Swim!"

[@KorenJoy]

😂😂😂😂

[@Lizjean810]

This sounds like TODAY's Media!

[@kell_checks_in]

Fake News!

[@chrismadaje6553]

Hahahahaahyyyy. 🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦

[@bobbywimsy6741]

@@Lizjean810 Everybody is spiritual, everybody preaches- but what spirit do we preach. The media operate in subjective not objective mode largely. Every story is infused with anxiety, if not depression, some of the prominent newscasters seem to me to be functioning in depression and broadcasting in that spirit. Optimism or pessimism is false. Isms are heresy. Faith is true.

[@jorchs83]

A Catholic missionary converted an entire tribe of cannibals to the faith, now on Fridays they only eat fishermen.

[@jcarterjoseph9066]

Fifty years ago, on Ash Wednesday, Sister Jean Immaculate asked me, "What are YOU giving up for Lent?". I replied, "Church!" Sister Jean was not amused.

[@renkomon.8312]

The Protestant/ prostitute joke got me! LOL! This video is all gold!

[@marivicdelfin6017]

@Sterling Crowne loosen up. This is why it is called a joke LOL

[@renkomon.8312]

Sorry it was a joke. I am catholic and people joke about us all the time. I laugh.

[@renkomon.8312]

Actually No. The church has never taught me that. I knew all along that God would be the one to send that Satan in the fire

[@renkomon.8312]

I do read my bible and use my critical thinking skills to discern what is true and what is not.

[@renkomon.8312]

Do you want me to delete this comment chain? I know I have not gotten back to you but, I am a caregiver.

[@petertrossbach3725]

Two seminarians go in for their final interview with the archbishop. One, not as smart as the other, says to the other, "You go first and I'll just repeat what you say." The other, trying to correct his brother, says, "I don't think that's such a good idea." "Don't worry about it!," the first one replies. The second one goes in: "All right, son, " the bishop starts, "what do you know when you're offering the Mass and I fly goes into the Precious Blood?" "Well, I do one of two things: I either drink the whole thing down with him in it or, with my consecrated finger, take him out, put him on the corporal, take the corporal into the sacristy, and flush him down the sacrarium." The bishop, pleased, says with a smile, "Very good, young man! You'll be a fine priest!" "Not yet, but with your fine leadership I will be!" The first seminarian goes in, forgetting to listen to the question asked to his brother: "Okay, son, answer me this: let's say you're in a country parish and a cow walks through the front door and starts drinking from the baptismal font; what do you do?" "Well, I do one of two things: I either drink the whole thing down with him in it or, with my consecrated finger, take him out, put him on the corporal, take the corporal into the sacristy, and flush him down the sacrarium." The bishop looks at him and says, "Son, you are a total nincompoop." "Not yet, but with your fine leadership I will be!"

[@fabiankagaruki2461]

Hahahahahahahahahah😀😀

[@sabrinawanderer7560]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@ridley_boi8272]

Awesome

[@marivicdelfin6017]

Hahaha 🤣

[@pounamubts7802]

Awwww....don't believe he needs any help....lol

[@cesarcarvalhod1100]

My favorite: The Pope is having a debate with an atheist but getting nowhere he says : Enough... you are like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat...that isn’t there, the atheist replies: Well then we are very similar for you also look like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat...that isn’t there, the only difference is that you found him !

[@hermione3muller674]

A catholic priest and a protestant minister meet and the priest complains about the many bats in the roof of his church. The protestant minister replies: oh, i had a bat problem in my roof, too, but i baptized all the bats and the i confirmed them all, and since confirmation they never showed up in my church ever again.

[@brecky384]

I was feeling down, and then an alert for this video popped up on my phone. Thanks for the laughs!

[@billiejodix4560]

I pray you feel better

[@oerstedf3910]

I know a pair of jokes too. - A man finds himself in trouble when followed by a lion. After climbing up a tree, he prays: "oh Lord, please give this lion Christian feelings!" so that it would have mercy of him and not eat him. After that, the lion say "oh Lord, I thank you for the meal you gifted to me today..." ... And even if not exactly Christian/Catholic, there's also... - On a plane, there are the President of the USA, the most intelligent man in the world, the Pope, a little boy and the pilot. When the plane starts having engine problems, the pilot asks everyone to grab a parachute and jump, but there are only 4 of them. The pilot says "I mean, I have tried my best to save you all, I have a career, I gotta save myself" so he takes a parachute and jumps. Then the President: "I'm the President, my people need me, I need to be saved", so takes one and jumps. Then the intelligent one: "I'm the most intelligent man in the world, think of all the benefit from me surviving, I should be saved", so he takes one and jumps. At that point the Pope says: "little boy, you have a life in front of you, it's for the best that you save yourself: take the last parachute". "Oh don't worry, sir, you will survive too!" says the guy. "The most intelligent man in the world grabbed my bag".

[@illustriousmeow-cow1208]

All of these have maximum dad joke energy, and I love it

[@crush42mash6]

Those were awesome, I love the fact that as Catholics you can laugh about yourself and don’t take it so seriously. I think in life that makes it a lot easier to simply laugh and move on. Great job! 🇨🇦

[@consideratecommentator4284]

Here's another joke: There was a monk who took a vowel of silence, except he was aloud to say two words every five years. Five years passed, he said 'bed hard,' ten years passed, he said 'food cold', fifteen years passed and he visited the abbot and said 'I quit.' The abbot stifled his chuckle, "well, I'm not surprised. All you've done since you've got here is complain!" God bless you all.

[@nancyquinn6349]

This was my Dad's favorite joke. He laughed the whole time he told it. Once when he was quite elderly and very thin and he was able to return to church after not being there for quite a while, he leaned over to my sister & me and said "pew hard". We howled with laughter. After that, we brought a pillow for him to sit on at Mass.

[@pounamubts7802]

vow

[@deusvult8340]

@@nancyquinn6349what’s the joke or is it face value

[@0naveenacharles0]

I was having a really bad day and this video put a smile on my face... thank you Father!

[@vonniestanchfield2849]

Me too!

[@larihunlangmarwein7660]

Me too😊

[@scojo6377]

Me too

[@Kennymac8251]

A man goes into confession and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been stealing lumber from the lumber yard" The priest says "Well, for your penance I want you to make a novena". And the man answers "Father if you have the plans I have the lumber"

[@codythomas1382]

Years ago a Pentecost preacher was spreading the gospel in a small town in Newfoundland, Canada. He was asked to speak in a quaint village with no church, so he decided to have a revival meeting in a barn. While he was preaching, the stable boy was standing in the back with the animals. jokingly, he said to the goat: "What do you think Billy, would you like to get saved?" The goat looked up at him, tipped his head, and said:"Nahhhhh..."

[@astridcastenfelt484]

Heard most of them before, but it didn't matter because your delivery was excellent. Thank you Fr.

[@gazoontight]

A man joined an order of monks who were only allowed to speak two words every ten years. On his ten year anniversary the man knocks on the abbot's door and says, "Food bad." On his twentieth anniversary he knocks and says, "Bed hard." On his thirtieth anniversary he knocks and says, "I quit." The abbot loses his temper and yells, "I knew it! You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"

[@ernestclements7398]

Father Flaherty, woke up one beautiful Sunday morning, and decided that it was the perfect day to get in some golf on the sly, but what was he to do about Sunday mass? Thinking quickly he decided to give his newly ordained assistant a little more work, so he woke Father Morgan, and asked him to say his early mass as well as his own, he then waited until Father Morgan left the rectory, grabbed his clubs, and hit the links. On his very first hole to his amazement, he hit his very first hole in one! At the second hole he hit another! And so it went for the remaining 16, after he finished he looked up in amazement, and said who would believe it? 18 holes in one in a single game! There came a clap of thunder, and a voice from on high, replied and just who are you going to tell?

[@Breviary_Songs]

An evangelical Protestant was going door to door when he came across a Catholic home. He knocked on the door and the wife answered the door. “Have you received Jesus?” asked the Protestant. The mother looked him in the eyes and said “I have indeed, good sir, and so has my family. In fact we just recently consumed Him earlier this morning”

[@Maryros12241]

I watched the video with your sisters last night. You asked them what they thought you could be if not a priest, one said a lawyer and the other said an engineer or accountant, but both were apprehensive in their answers (they are adorable and I loved that video). After watching this video, I think you could have been a great comedian / actor. Love your videos. Thank you :)

[@joelancon7231]

I go to a Catholic school and that 3 good leads joke is so good!

[@frederickwise5238]

He left out 1. A priest and a rabbi are walking along talking. As they reach a crossing, they stumble on a broken and crumbled curb.and fall. The priest gets up and crosses himself as also does the rabbi. The priest comments I didnt know rabbis crossed themselves.. To which the rabbi replies: Of course Spectacles, testicles wallet and watch.

[@HimonoOnna90]

My quite devout great-aunt told me this one: "How do you know Jesus is actually Italian? 1. Only an Italian lives with his mother until he's 30. 2. Only an Italian mamma thinks her son is holy. 3. Only an Italian believes his mamma is a virgin." I think I'll have to book a confession now.

[@_Gormakesh_]

4. he drinks wine at every meal.

[@chrismadaje6553]

Everything has its dreadful ending

[@davidlinehat4657]

I always heard the same about why Jesus was Irish!! The one other line you could throw in is that "his last request was a drink." haha, we are all so closely alike

[@edgarvictoria1983]

I didn't laugh out loud because my roommates might think I was crazy, so I laugh silently.

[@MacClellandMan]

I laughed so much at these that I spilled my breakfast beer.

[@stephaniegormley9982]

I laughed so hard I had milk coming thru my nose. Which was weird as I haven't had milk since yesterday.

[@randallparr680]

I thought of this joke myself so I think it's hilarious. A man visits his ophthalmologist to get his diagnosis. The Doctor tells him "You have macular degeneration. Do you know what that is?" The poor man replies "I think I've heard of it. Isn't that the opposite of macular conception?"

[@marynewman9902]

I use to work for an optometrist and there was a patient who would come in and say she had immaculate degeneration. We would always say, call in a Priest.

[@llydrsn]

I like the one about being quiet and humoring Catholics 😅

[@AnCoilean]

A couple are on their way to their wedding and their cars crash. Both are killed instantly. As Catholics both are greeted by Saint Peter and ask can they get married in a chapel. He leaves his throne and enters the gates. 100 years later he returns with a priest. As they are about to enter the gates, they ask Peter can they get divorced if things go south. Peter responds, it took me a century to find a priest up here what makes you think I will find a lawyer.

[@BreakingInTheHabit]

Classic!

[@thouartdust7464]

My dad's a lawyer, I'm gonna show this to him now!! 😂😂😂

[@erichodge567]

That's pretty good.

[@cookclan]

Lawyers are more plentiful.

[@wheeliewheelie1]

Then there's even less chance for a judge?

[@kendavis7248]

At a young age a friend who was catholic taught me that the best jokes are catholic. Thanks for the good laugh Father.

[@Aisha-721]

Thanks Father. I love your jokes. I have one for you. In the middle of Mass a whole bunch of smoke appeared at the altar. When it cleared away the congregation saw familiar figure with red skin, horns and a pitchfork. Every one started running out of the church except for one man who stayed in his pew. The devil walked over to the man and asked him do you know who I am? The man said yes. Aren't you afraid of me? The man said no, I married your sister lol!

[@ChrisMiller-cv8ji]

A little Catholic boy wanted a bike so he went to his parents and asked for one. His Dad told him that they couldn't afford a bike but if he prayed to Jesus, he might be blessed with a bike. The little boy went to his room and thought about it and decided that if he made a deal with Jesus, he might have a better chance of getting his bike. He made a list and started praying. "Jesus, I would really like a bike. If you give me one, I'll do the dishes for mom every night for a month, wash the car every weekend for dad for 3 months, and get all of my homework done on time for the rest of the year. All I want is a bike". He laid there thinking about his new bike and all the fun he was going to have. After a bit he got to thinking. That was a lot of work just for a bike. He decided to pray again. "Jesus, I still want the bike and if you give it to me, I'll wash the dishes for mom every night for a week and I'll wash dad's car for him this weekend and I'll try to get my homework done on time." He was feeling pretty good about it until he got thinking again. That was still a lot of work for a bike. Laying on his bed looking around his room, he sees a picture of the Virgin Mary on his dresser. He walks over and carefully picks it up and kisses it, holds it to his chest and drops to his knees. He pulls open his bottom drawer, moves the clothes to the side and lays the picture of the Virgin Mary face down on the bottom of the drawer and covers it with the clothes. Going back to his bed, he prays. "Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, you'll get me a bike!

[@sanjanikcevic5139]

Hi. I am from Croatia. This is really funny.. .and it is a pleasure to see such young friar whit a lot of faith and a sense of humor. Just please, make a little pause between jokes to give us time to laugh... Now I have to stop the video to laugh:) Stay joyfull...

[@bernardokrolo2275]

A i vi ga pratite Sanjo..baš mi je drago..ja sam mislio da sam jedini

[@Glasguensis]

A man is about to go into a bar when he's stopped by a nun who says, "Stop! Before you go in there and poison your body with alcohol think of the effect on your wife and children!". He says, "Sister, have you ever tasted alcohol in your life?". "No", she answers. "Well how can you talk about the bad effects of alcohol if you've never tried it yourself? I tell you what, I'll buy you a drink now, and if you still feel the same afterwards I'll agree to give up drinking". The nun thinks for a minute, then says, "Well, I suppose I could, just to stop you from drinking. But I've no idea what a lady would drink". The man says, "Well, a lot of ladies like a glass of white wine". "All right", says the nun, "I'll try that. But I can't be seen going into a bar, and I don't want people to see me drinking on the street. Can you please get me it in a teacup?". So the man goes up to the barman and says, "A pint of Guinness, please, and can I have a white wine in a teacup?". The barman replies, "Don't tell me that bloody nun's out there again!"

[@shanthi6911]

This was the best joke of the lot.

[@ridley_boi8272]

That was top-tier

[@eduardotorrechiva9904]

Pen5far7

[@sarahsabino7279]

Genius! 🤣🤣

[@pounamubts7802]

HAHAHAHAHAHA...................whoa!!

[@heru-deshet359]

One Sunday before mass the parish priest was talking with the deacon. "You know, I speak to this flock every Sunday and I'm not sure if any of them would really give up their lives for God if it ever came to that". "Well Father, said the Deacon, we need faith and continue to reach out to them". After the church parishioners filed in for Mass and before it began, a masked man charged into the church with a rifle and fired a shot into the air. He yelled "Who among you are ready to die for God? Those that are, stay here, the rest can leave. After the church emptied out with screaming parishioners, there were ten people who stayed behind. The masked man looked around and took his mask off. "OK Father, said the Deacon, now that the real Catholics are here, we can start Mass now".

[@kell_checks_in]

I dunno. I think Real Catholics would disarm the gunman and then pray for his conversion.

[@glenfernandes7697]

Bbbbbnnnnññnnnñ L

[@joeoconnor3027]

i would expect the deacon to run too

[@heru-deshet359]

@@joeoconnor3027 The deacon WAS the masked man, sigh.

[@blackfalkon4189]

that deacon may have confused 'deaconian' with 'draconian'

[@OneCatholicSpeaks]

A Priest arrives in New York and catches a cab. He says to the driver . Racing through the streets, the cab crashes and both are killed. Both go to Heaven. St. Peter is standing at the gates receiving people. He says to the cab driver. Next, the Priest steps up. St. Peter says that small cottage is your new home.>>. Confused, the Priest says St. Peter replied