10 Signs of a Wife with Borderline Personality Traits

[@chrismoody1342]

25 years. Up and down. You never were sure what lay ahead when you get home. Divorce was a huge relief. I finally found peace and quiet. I stayed about 15 years to many.

[@nikdrown]

Do you know what I mean when I say argue over good news? lol.

[@algomez8563]

My ex GF had BPD. I was married for 17 years separated when my daughter left for college. I was planning a future with her and she just broke up with me.

[@Sweetpea1128]

You have described my parents perfectly. I wish my Dad was still alive so I could share this with him. He was a very kind and loving man, and a good provider. He was an excellent father and grandfather. Once he brought her a big box of chocolates for their anniversary. Being a special occasion, she acted out and hit him over the head with the box and sent chocolates flying every direction. I asked him if he learned anything from this experience, to which he replied, “Yes, I’m never giving her a bowling ball.” He was a gem. I was fortunate to have him, my maternal grandmother, and an older female cousin who mitigated the damage. Where she tore me down, they built me up. Seven years of therapy in my early forties were also very valuable. If you have a borderline parent, do your work and don’t be afraid. ❤️

[@jhingbangayan762]

Sending you virtual hug❤️❤️❤️

[@vanessas2363]

I'm so very ill and damaged from it. Survived suicide. I relate to that story.

[@FlexibilityCoach]

It doesn’t matter whether you could have a chance to explain her disorder to him. You know why? Cause he loved her unconditionally ❤️

[@vanessas2363]

@@FlexibilityCoach yes, but sometimes to the detriment to everyone's else's mental health in the family. Sometimes unconditional love is dangerous and borders on denial. Complicit in abuse.

[@cynthiaodell2529]

My mom and dad exactly

[@Mozkonauta]

My ex-wife had BPD. It was hell. I always felt exhausted. I ended up leaving her but we did not get a divorce immediately. After a few years of being separated I filed for divorce. Her reaction was like the four riders of Apocalypse storming down. She still thought we were a couple, after all those years. She felt betrayed and contacted all of my family and friends to tell them the monster I was. It was a bad moment for the whole community but it had to be done. I am happy now that I could escape that awful relationship.

[@annwethenorth]

You were in Hell. God for you

[@Mrs.T305]

You don't wait years to divorce someone like this

[@Mrs.T305]

​@@annwethenorthhe did nothing good. He should've filed for divorce immediately after leaving

[@deborahmontgomery7881]

I’m a BPD wife. High functioning. I’ve done a lot of work on feelings of jealousy and fear of abandonment. Still struggling with emotional regulation but I am working on it. Looking forward to this video 🍿

[@chvaunbarnes3495]

I love your comment!! How are things with your husband and I’m seeing a lot of these signs in myself!

[@BeingBetter]

I'm a BPD wife too.

[@deborahmontgomery7881]

@@chvaunbarnes3495 Things are usually pretty good. If we argue, we seem to argue about the same things and I usually struggle pretty bad with constructive criticism, which my husband finds annoying. I am glad that he loves me. I think marriage is work no matter if a person has a mental disorder or not.

[@chvaunbarnes3495]

@@deborahmontgomery7881 I would strongly recommend what saved my life LAURA DOYLE , the empowered wife! I don’t even know who the woman is that wrote this 7 months ago! Me and my husband are closer now than before we got married and had kids! I’m grateful God lead me to her

[@JoyT01]

BPD wife too.. What have you found helpful?

[@thepopemichael]

My ex wife was a therapist and she'd always make fun of people with BPD. I thought it odd till I looked into it and discovered that she had A LOT of the same traits of someone with BPD

[@leaharchambault5796]

BPD is the dx psychiatrists give to women they don't like for the most part, if it's a male, or they like the patient, they dx them with C-PTSD, exact same diagnostic criteria lol

[@Sally150]

@@leaharchambault5796 Little bit passive aggressive of them.

[@bs24-7]

No, you have narcissistic personality disorder.

[@Simba______]

That's why I don't go to therapists anymore. Therapists are evil. Sometimes they're sicker than their clients.

[@aaronsmith5433]

@@Simba______ but as long as the sick f's have clients, they'll be richer than them, so add codependency as well.

[@agnescroteau8960]

1- The (dis)tress starts early 2- Personality traits 3- Attachment styles 4- Terrible problem solving /communication skills, and frequent arguing 5- Dissatisfaction 6- Others see the couple as having the most intense love hard fight hard relationship 7- The wife believes sex resets everything in the relationship 8- The wife is extremely jealous 9- The couple is searching for different senses of purpose in life / wanting more 10- Contemplating divorce

[@foxyshazaam3310]

Thank you

[@LDT7Y]

"others see the couple as having the most intense love hard fight hard relationship" - no, most of us just think they are totally incompatible, their relationship is a toxic (sometimes abusive) sh*tshow, and they should break up and move on already! Have you had a couple like that in your friends/family circle? It's annoying as hell to be around. They tend to drag you into their constant drama as well (or try to) and waste your time/energy.

[@tumdedum]

4-6-7-8-9

[@amarnarayanan5469]

OMG that list suffices my marriage...phew! i wish i knew this before

[@TheFaro2011]

Well definitely me

[@armandomorillo771]

I had 2 experiences in my life. A girlfriend and then the mother of my children. I have given up on relationships and I am happier than I have ever been.

[@lisasmith7066]

🙌

[@bikiblond]

Thumbs up to all BPD sufferers who are in treatment and striving to be kind to their partners. 🙌🏼

[@beverlyjackson4184]

Biki I decided it’s best I stay alone until I get to know myself... I just came off of my meds, I’m just trying to learn to cope without medication. I would really like to talk to someone like me to ask questions and compare some things.

[@armara70]

Too little, too late

[@virginiaandrade8009]

@@armara70 interesting reply to a person admittedly supportive of self improvement. Seems needlessly aggressive. Seems like you might have issues that would benefit you to address. I'm sure you've had that echoed to you already in your regular life as well though. Do your best to control your anger.

[@armara70]

@@virginiaandrade8009 It's not anger, Virginia. It's having to live with a BDP for years. Notice how I make no presumptions about your life.

[@MedicalSkillsTraining]

Beverly Jackson Ive been to bpd groups- were all totally different there is no normals to compare to🥰

[@66red43]

I’m a BPD wife (also have ADHD and suffered with depression for most of my life). I was only diagnosed about 6 months ago, but over the past year or two, things have already drastically improved for myself and my relationship. CBT/DBT therapy focusing on ego-strengthening (forming identity), healing trauma & emotional regulation practice has been crucial. Refraining from drugs like cannabis and alcohol as ways to cope with intense emotions is also helpful. Lastly, going on mood stabilizing medications (lamictal in my case) has made a world of difference- 6 months later, and I can easily stay calm long enough to put what I’ve learned in therapy into practice! I’m proud to say that I haven’t punched a wall or fantasized/talked about KMS in months- that is huge for me! My marriage has never been better, and my husband has been a huge supporter of me through my process. My therapist also pointed out that a huge reason for my improvement is due to my conscientiousness and self-aware nature. I am now stable and have a much clearer idea of who I am and what I want out of my life, separate from my relationship!! There is hope!!

[@peachespavalko1980]

Congratulations, sweetheart, and thanks for sharing. I’ve read a lot of replies here, and for some unknown reason, your comments were very impactful, open and honest; I felt you. Wishing nothing but the best for you! 🌷 (My daughter and her female partner are in this situation, where I would probably label my daughter “the husband“ and her female partner “the wife.“ The wife is the one with BPD, and they’ve been together about 15 years… Surprisingly. As her mom, it’s *very difficult* to watch/experience from a distance. Of course my daughter has mental health issues of her own, not as serious, yet now I understand perhaps why she was drawn to her and sticks around. Very interesting! They *do* work hard at it so I’ll give them praise for that.)

[@RipsGirl]

I feel like I’m reading a comment I wrote myself!! Crazy…!

[@richardprice5978]

so why the pyromaniac 🔥 and or acidification/sand ect? a lot of this sounds like my spouse/CO- 🇺🇸 marriage contract family of mine points to her lighting/acid dipping my classic car ( she and my siblings said there innocent and have no knowledge of the event/evils ) ( totalled probably now or at least it's a bare-shell now was a running same way for the K1500 )( 1980's k1500 that my parents had from birth-now aka sentimental to me and a $$/desirable-version 60's charger that we got together as newlyweds after me working towards that goal for 15+years aka sense i was 4YO not to impress others but because i really like it ) and making sure that im homeless-couch-surfing/unemployed/broke ect, also made sure to take as much of my childhood memories/stuff away and try to trash my professional reputation??? @ a 100K per-year confused 🤷‍♂by all of this and or consideration maybe i should have bribed her more in some way 🤷‍♂, but most people tell me im not really corruptible also my siblings thinks she's also got narcissistic personality disorder on top of everything would being a mom her goal and mine settle her down or have made the mess worse? ( was fine with intimacy/intercores but it did take 90+day to getting used to the idea ect ) as for me im generally not the talkative ( or naked-cuddling-non-sex/movies bug ) ( my childhood home i was expedited to be ready to go out the front door in under 5m at 2AM at a moment's notice as a mixture of army parenting and fear of things like fire-home or brake-in's ect so next days full dress-up ect and extreme privacy ) type and or probably the avoidance type so 45+ hours at work pre-week was common for me

[@chrstcole]

Good for you, that's fantastic. Lamictal is a great med for soo many people. Thanks for sharing!

[@rebeccakatemcgarry5564]

Hey, I hope you don’t mind me asking. I think I have both BPD and ADHD (I’m on the waiting list for a psych assessment 🙃) I just wondered how you dealt with them both? How did you get diagnosed with both? Did you get both diagnoses together or separately? Sorry for messaging, I’m just at a loss with what to do right now 😢❤

[@leeboriack8054]

This talk really romanticizes being single.

[@tamannasingh5641]

😂😂😀 sure does

[@Auriflamme]

I would suggest that it romanticises finding the right person with whom to have a healthy equal relationship and not jumping on board with the first person to shower you with affection.

[@lavienestpasunlongfleuvetr2559]

@Vox Deus Actually, studies show that men tend to be happier in relationships - it's women who are generally happier single.

[@c.s1393]

@@lavienestpasunlongfleuvetr2559 Absolute sophistry

[@Melodyloveshorses1]

😂❤👍👌👏

[@SummeRain783]

I thought I might have BPD when I saw I had some of these symptoms. I went to doctors and psychiatrists because I wanted to heal. They assessed me for some time and just ruled that I needed trauma therapy from my childhood. I think I just learned really poor coping and communication skills while being traumatized from my environment. I am getting CBT right now for depression, PTSD and anxiety. It is helping a lot and worth considering for those who might think they have BPD. It could just be an anxiety issue or depression or PTSD. But don’t diagnose yourself, seek medical help. My treatment is really helping me so far. No one with some of these issues really want to be this way (except maybe narcissists). I know because it is such a painful place to be. I would die to be able to have better coping strategies, thought processes and be a happier person all the time. I might need therapy my whole life but it is so worth it.

[@HollyOak]

People with traumatic childhoods who have C-PTSD get diagnosed with other things all the time. For women, it's usually bipolar or BPD. Once you get the BPD label, no one will take you seriously. Thankfully, you had an intelligent therapist who knew what to look for.

[@sixlacroix6014]

Cbt does next to nothing for personality disorders. It may be used in conjunction with a therapy that is actually effective for BPD (usually dbt), but cbt alone will not help in any meaningful way.

[@kristina__marie]

Good for you for getting therapy & sharing your experience! ❤

[@weronikanijs950]

Ik vriend reading your story,because i recognize so much I also have therapy and medications IT van really help you,and because of that also others I wish you alle the best

[@dreamznaspiratons7064]

look into CPTSD and narcissistic abuse syndrome

[@AG-ej7wm]

To everyone with BPD, I want to encourage you not to just see yourself as one big blob of pathology and trust in your abilities to grow and change. As was mentioned, often times you're also surrounded by people that have personality disorders themselves, so it's good to get support and have some time and place to reflect on yourself and your relationships.

[@miacrabtree2085]

Thank you doe your kind words regarding bpd. Not an easy road esp if you have others around you weaponizing your bpd.

[@favouritemusic8959]

Hi AG Thanks for your kind and thoughtful message because people who have BPD and in my case only traits of it are also empathetic and considerate and caring human beings who feel things too deeply at times. Take care my friend in cyberspace. Mary

[@bs24-7]

Surrounded by narcissistic usually men.

[@bs24-7]

But could easily be a woman.

[@lifeis2407]

This guy in the video sounds like a passive aggressive narsisitic man who has things about his own past that he does not want to admit to.

[@KA-mq4wj]

Thank you for your video on this. I was married to a narcissistic man and he made me crazy. The narcissistic abuse in a marriage will certainly cause a lot of stress, anxiety, depression and even substance abuse. The wife looks crazy and called a mean Borderline but really it’s the Narc spouse that is gaslighting, humiliating and manipulating her and causing her continuous pain. I would never set fire or ruin his things because I’m an empath with a conscience. But my narcissistic husband certainly did. I know I have CPTSD from all his abuse. But I know one Dr called me borderline because I was constantly crying and depressed for a long time. I don’t think many doctors truly understand what narcissistic abuse does to the psyche of the abused. We are not crazy. But that’s what the Narc paints us out to be. It’s a very scary and lonely place to be in when no one believes you.

[@charlotteboyett-napper4780]

Absolutely agree. Narcs cause borderline traits. I was with a NARC for 5 years and struggled emotionally the majority of the time. I finally healed enough to leave and voila ! The years of anxiety has disappeared. Insecurity is gone. Toxic relationships can incite feelings & behaviors of BPD in both sexes.

[@tovenrvik6336]

No one is good enough for a Narcissist, they abuse others to regulate their false narrative and self, put others below themselvs, so they can be abowe ‼️Sick, evil and crazy, glad you'll got away, they get worse‼️A Narcissist want's to control, destroy and dim another humans light ‼️💎

[@pinam2299]

Hi yes, thank you so much as this is what happened to me. He made me crazy and I ended up being called the crazy one.

[@sampreston1791]

Yes! Finally!! I was diagnosed with this during a narcissistic relationship with my ex-husband and I can't get it relinquished. The gaslighting was terrible and I had to leave for my own sanity. My son is now in a secure ward after staying with his father 😞 I don't meet the criteria but still I get the stigma and problems from diagnosis. They tell you there isn't but my lived experience is something else including a professional poking fun and actually laughing at me in an all organisation meeting regarding my son despite everything my son said about his dad's behaviour (including covering up sexual abuse of his son).

[@tovenrvik6336]

@@sampreston1791 An Psychologist told that Serial Killers and Child Molesters are Narcissists ‼️Try to get your son out of there emmediently, if you get proves, witnesses, recordings, you can go to the Police and save your poor son‼️As a father, I guess it's your right to spend time wt your own son‼️If this has been taken away from you, to keep the son quiet, I recommend you to get an Psychologist emmediently, to get support and a witness, it can be valuable in court, and the Narcissist has to behave well if you have a witness‼️Try to get the child out of the sexual abuse, talk to the boy and record things, and relief the child from Hell‼️

[@caitolent]

The worst people I've ever known have been diagnosed with BPD. By contrast, the best therapist I've ever spoken to also had BPD. Just goes to show that people who are self-aware and empathetic, and willing to do the hard work on themselves, can overcome any obstacle.

[@YoBeAwesome]

Can people be empathetic with bpd? My bpd couldn’t be empathetic but she was probably a vulnerable narc and neglectful narc so it could explain that?

[@bl00dFairy]

​@@YoBeAwesome I believe they say that BPD people are actually incredibly empathetic because they have intense emotions. Narcissists are the ones with no emotions.

[@YoBeAwesome]

@@bl00dFairy sad

[@busternsam]

Bingo. I just divorced from my undiagnosed borderline ex-wife. Our relationship had every single characteristic you mentioned, except that she did no self mutilation, and I do not personally have the personality disorders from the male side that you mentioned. It was a long difficult and dangerous road. She has been in denial when I did bring it up in the past. When I read that 70 to 80% of daughters of undiagnosed borderline mothers become borderline, after several years of debating, I decided to get out and allow my daughter to at least spend half of her rest of her childhood with me In a normal environment.Thank you.

[@DucatiDoyle]

My exact same circumstance

[@sixlacroix6014]

BPD with no self harm? Highly unlikely.

[@husainbaba]

This is my struggle for the past 5 years. My family keeps saying don't divorce for the sake of kids, but this is the exact reason why I want to divorce!! I have two daughters and I'm dying every single day watching their childhood ruined by their mother, who's is still in the denial condition. I really want to divorce but I'm afraid that I didn't try enough and I don't want to live with this sense of guilt. I don't my daughters to tell my (why dad?) What would you say? I wish you and your daughter the best

[@danadams6477]

After over 24 years of being with my wife, I believe it's safe to say I can confirm, even without professional diagnosis, that she was a cohort/vulnerable narcissist with both Bipolar Disorder and BPD. So, I totally know what you've been through. The constant mood swings, bouts of depression, fits of anger, rage, and name calling, accusations, blaming, blame-shifting, threats of blackmailing, threats of poisoning, never accepting blame or wrong doing, seldom if ever says sorry, using the children as pawns or leverage in an argument, emotional, verbal, financial, and sexual abuse, her overeating and weight gain, low self-esteem, could plan a party or event like nobody's business but was always the one to stir up trouble with her family and often talk about family members behind their back. I'm fairly certain she cheated on me with a good friend of mine back when we were just boyfriend and girlfriend, and had an extramarital affair with a younger woman later on in our marriage before she committed suicide in 2014. I'm glad you got your daughter out of a seemingly toxic environment.

[@tovenrvik6336]

@@sixlacroix6014 There are four types of Borderline, I think it's Dr Ramani who has a video about that‼️

[@ObscurasCozyCult]

High conscientiousness and BPD is exactly what my psychiatrist said gives me a great chance of therapy helping my situation. So glad to have that supportive encouragement and reassurance.

[@pru666]

That’s really positive. I hope things work out for you. Keep going. Be kind to yourself ☺️

[@evelynbaron2004]

Bless you my friend!! I don't even believe in God. Just hang in there.

[@princessjellyfish6057]

Ugh Yas queen I hope you're doing excellent

[@lovelightimpact1369]

High Conscientiousness refers to Someone's Great Drive to zealously do their part in order to achieve a certain Result.

[@tdeuce7]

this gives me continued hope, thank you!

[@youcanringmybella8364]

I just love Dr. Grande’s smile, coupled with his humor. It’s quite endearing and truly infectious. Stellar content, as always.

[@BJ-mb2ug]

You Can Ring My Bella He’s married Jkjk

[@orangestoneface]

the rest of us are listening to the content...

[@youcanringmybella8364]

orangestoneface His content is phenomenal. Delivery, top-notch.

[@orangestoneface]

@@youcanringmybella8364 well , l got kinda bored of his monotone after a few vids

[@jonpaulbillingsleyjr.6420]

@@orangestoneface Maybe you're BOREDerline? 😂

[@christopherchaney6841]

omg. my ex-wife hit on 9 of the listed characteristics. All my friends including pastors who didn't believe in divorce said I had to divorce her for my sake and the children's sake. She was my second wife (I was widowed and remarried), and I tried for over 3 years to make her happy and mollify her rage. But when the money ran out (she wouldn't let me work), and I said "no" to her for the first time (it wouldn't have mattered the reason), she walked out. I was truly ignorant of her level of fear and anxiety, but I still should have seen it. It's been almost 6 years since she left, and I am still examining my heart whether I trust myself to ever remarry again. I found this short video very illuminating and helpful. Thank you!

[@caitm8209]

I hope you do get out there again, because it can help heal you. When you start getting into relationships that don't follow this toxic pattern, you will see it was not your fault and not everyone you attract will be like that. But the apprehension is very understandable.

[@robertmcguckin2713]

She left? You really hung in there. I got out of a NPD and Borderline after 17 years. It was hell and still, after 19 month’s am trying to find methods to heal. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Good luck to you! 👊🏻

[@CM-wf2uo]

You might meet someone that just comes into your life at the right time, and shows you that your heart can trust and love again. It might just happen, and you won’t be able to turn away from it. I hope this happens for you. ❤️

[@kathyshogue2149]

I’m close to a man who somehow lived with this situation for over 30 years. It nearly destroyed him. He has been in recovery now for 20, but it’s been hard to heal.

[@Melodyloveshorses1]

Please stop getting married! It's ok to just be with yourself and have some peace.

[@amyggg79]

I’m a wife. I’m borderline. Married to a narcissist. We feed off each other’s dysfunction in a way that seems to only keep us with one another in a cycle.

[@Humgin1234]

amy gallegos are you both happy or upset a lot?

[@sixlacroix6014]

Same. Its awesome when I'm legit trying to be better and he goes all out triggering me on purpose. Smirking in my face and saying he's doing it because he knows what it does to me. I learned to leave the house at that point.

[@mrjon75]

I'm more inclined to believe your diagnosis about yourself than your husband. But you should consider not speaking badly of your husband online, it's very BPD of you.

[@Linda-jl5lx]

@@mrjon75 "it's very BPD of you" that made my evening xD

[@zejdland]

@@Linda-jl5lx BPD is bassicly anti social disorder but for women

[@cooperdavis7725]

Dr. Todd Grande, You're helping me to make sense of my childhood. You've described my parents' relationship in accurate detail in this video. After discovering my father's infidelity at seventeen, their divorce wouldn't be finalized until I was twenty-two. Those suffering from borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, psychopathy, etc. are fantastic at finding each other, and the spectacular chaos they are able to create together can truly be beyond imagination. The conflict and trauma I experienced throughout my childhood and young adulthood had no end and no beginning; it was always there. I imagine that fish have no awareness of the water they're born in until they're removed from it. It's only recently I've made sense of it all, recognizing the flawed dynamics of our relationships. Your content has been jet fuel for the development of my understanding of my own trauma. I've never felt this much clarity before; I've lived my entire life surrounded by smokescreens and lies, only able to see a few inches in front of me. Now, I can see everything clearly. I've made a habit of listening to your videos before bed every night. Every day, you are helping me to become a happier, healthier, more forgiving, understanding, and self-aware person. Thank you for sharing this incredibly valuable information. I deeply appreciate your work.

[@Itsmaia683]

This was my first marriage. Interestingly my therapist said that most people with BPD can grow out of it. I'm remarried for years now, happy, and no longer in this type of toxic relationship

[@alchemicalsoul]

I was diagnosed at 19. At age 43 I can say that the child-like behavior of my youth that resulted in BPD behaviors is healed. It took ego death- many dark nights of the soul- to face myself and overcome. Once we face our fears of abandonment and rejection, we begin to heal that child who didn't know what to do. Wishing a successful journey to all who seek healing.

[@yourbffnat3602]

I have basically grown out of it as well. I have gained a lot of self control, and am able to talk myself out of my illogical thoughts.

[@MrNikhilgherwar]

Lucky' u

[@Reborn_Enthusist]

I see it get worse with age but better when staying out of relationships

[@Reborn_Enthusist]

@@alchemicalsoul your so right

[@Anthony_in_Bloomington_Indiana]

Wow, this talk is extremely illuminating! Thank you. I especially focused on the part where the husband and wife have so many problems and arguments, and yet they stay married as often as couples with happy marriages. Several articles I read on Borderline Personality said that a woman will have - a fear of abandonment. And Todd mentioned that she loses her identity. She tends to see her husband and herself as one person. So these are my thoughts, the wife wants to stay married to a man she argues with, due to: 1: Her identity is her and her husband as a couple. If she leaves him, she loses her identity. 2: The idea of leaving the marriage is scary for her.

[@jessoftherocks]

The combining of two people is called enmeshment.

[@elirien4264]

My parents both displayed this behavior. I feel like I grew up in a war zone.

[@aruvielevenstar3944]

Me too

[@meditateonthis2697]

Me too 💔😓💔😓💔

[@annialm3766]

I am that wife (girlfriend). I feel so sorry for my man..I want to protect him from my self😣

[@TurtleKitty-357]

I empathise greatly. I know this too....

[@MrPaddymarley]

I feel sorry for you

[@ISSM87]

Wow right on point. Thanks god I didn't get married with my now ex-girlfriend. It's been a CRAZY 1 and a half year... Now time to heal myself and retrieve those lost friendships.

[@Attabasca]

"and the results are usually somewhat positive." You can tell Dr. Grande likes to stick to the facts. I feel like a lot of other people would say, "and the results can be positive" or sell it even harder with, "and the results are very often positive." He chose "usually somewhat" which speaks to a carefulness. That's a good therapist.

[@vampireslayer1989]

A BPD Rage can happen in seconds. Splitting.

[@melmel8907]

Agree. I recently experienced this. She just pleaded guilty to assault with deadly weapon against her ex and me. I thought I was going to die.

[@vampireslayer1989]

@@melmel8907, It is unbelievable isn't it? Mine recoiled like a cats with its claws out and a look of hate that I can't describe. Mascara was running down her face. I'm glad that she didn't have a gun.

[@BatteredRose]

When I split I just get sad and stay alone and wait for it to pass. I'm sorry you guys got violent ones.

[@cup_o_TMarie]

It’s terrifying & the reason I had to leave my best girlfriend of 20yrs 😿

[@fionarrestless3130]

There is hope out there - I was diagnosed 10 years ago with bpd. My husband and I worked very hard and we still have a therapist we check in with. Learning my triggers and recognizing when an emotion is destructive(but real) has been a true livesaver.

[@chvaunbarnes3495]

This is sooo amazing!! There is hope for the a happy life!!!

[@heathernikki5734]

I have BPD, didn't know it until I was 31, I'm 35 now. I've been with my husband for 8 years. As long as I do the work, the DBT therapy and stay on top of my self awareness, major problems are avoided. I've never hit him or destroyed any of his property. I've destroyed a few of my phones by throwing them at walls and dressers. My problems are mostly poor communication, inappropriate anger and attention seeking. We're not all batshit crazy.

[@grayhalf1854]

Good for you for engaging with therapy 🙏

[@zejdland]

BPD IS LIKE ANTI SOCIAL FOR MEN

[@neo_7864]

poor communication because 1 you want to face and discuss but end up talking mean words 2 you wait until the rage goes down but then you felt embarrassed. 3 ...or you feel no point talking and discuss knowingly that you will rage again. 4. you feel you have the right to do it and no one understand how little option do you have not to do it..

[@katiejon17]

I think the work you are doing is admirable. But “inappropriate anger and attention seeking” is absolutely “batshit crazy”... evidenced by your destruction. Believe me, I get it though. My anger doesn’t last long, but boy am I blind with rage sometimes. It’s always understandable anger... just way “extra”. I’ve only thrown something like 3 times (like my glasses across the room) - and that was “batshit crazy” level. Funny thing is that I believe my husband is BPD (years ago his therapist told him she believed he was, then he stopped seeing that therapist), and he brings out the crazy in me that I never knew I had. How messed up is that?

[@nancynord260]

It is dangerous, and perhaps unwise to diagnose either spouse in the setting of marriage counseling. It puts the diagnosed spouse immediately in a vulnerable position because they are then seen by the other spouse as "having a problem," and causing the marital problems. The spouse perceived as normal gets to feel superior. Marriage counselors normally deal with dysfunctional patterns of interaction. When one spouse is cold and dismissive, the other spouse can appear overly emotional and attention seeking. A perfectly normal person can go crazy in a bad relationship.

[@mattharcla]

An excellent video. Remember, people with BPD are not monsters, though they can be monstrous. It is a condition. It too often ends in suicide. It can affect wonderful people. It can be drug induced.

[@mrjon75]

Bpd people do not often kill themselves, but they do threaten it more then average. BTW....

[@DennisNeijmeijer]

Nice of you to say. I still disqualify them as partners. Life is difficult enough, I tried. Never again

[@im_saved_by_grace]

@@DennisNeijmeijer 😅hindsight is 20 )20..I get it

[@im_saved_by_grace]

@@chrisdacrisis4670 sorry for your loss

[@nancyayers7669]

No. They ARE monsters - & they'll suck your soul dry!

[@MikeVallez1]

I was married to a woman with borderline traits and it was very bad about 5% of the time at the beginning, then progressively worse over the 17 year marriage. I only understood what was going on after a few months of talking with a therapist, and reading “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me”.

[@applesmae1845]

Thank you, Dr Grande. Another great video! I read the comments and just feel it isimportant to clarify that people with BPD who seek professional support have good outcomes. I am diagnosed with BPD depression and anxiety. I have spent 2 years in a therapeutic community doing mentalisation therapy and 4 years Freudian psychoanalytic therapy. I still struggle but with professional help have made huge positive changes. Demonising people with personality disorder doesn't help. It just continues the stigma of mental health shaming. I am so grateful that the UK provides free treatment for people with BPD and so many people with BPD make really positive changes....

[@theveganvillainess]

Did you ever try Cognitive behavioral therapy at all. My daughter has borderline traits and I was looking into that but no psychiatrist I know seems to understand how to treat this disorder, thanks.

[@applesmae1845]

@@theveganvillainess hi. I have heard really great things about DBT. Whether mentalisation or DBT, the outcomes are good once treatment is done. I also benefited from art therapy. I also take medication and believe whatever treatment path she takes, with love and support she will get better. My relationships are so much better with my friends and family. Good luck. Xxx

[@theveganvillainess]

@@applesmae1845 thank you

[@jenniferotto3959]

I have BPd and live in the US. Nobody cares over here about people with mental health. They would much rather you just give up on life and save everyone else the trouble. Makes me sad, I am a human being too. I didnt ask to have BPD. But because I do, I cant have any relationships. Its truely unfair. People without mental illness just think we choose to behave the way we do. Smh.

[@CLEGG777]

Why didn't you get DBT as first treatment? I am interested as I've had DBT, then CAT, on NHS, then Schema privately.

[@danielschloss1111]

This video really helped me understand my failed marriage and myself better. Thanks for the analysis.

[@hilslamer]

Outstanding outline of BPD. After living with a BPD wife for 7 years, every single point made here is accurate and precisely defined. Amazing pattern recognition and related at a practical level of vocabulary. THANKS.

[@poppin2249]

I’m a wife with BPD, I would never hurt my partner, my anger is totally towards myself and no one else. I’ve also been diagnosed with CPSD. We also rarely ever argue. I’m also in Therapy

[@Super.Whimsy]

This video just explained the past 15 years of my life. Thank you for sharing your expertise with us!

[@473kittycat]

Thank you for this video. My brother is married to a borderline. She is physically abusive to him and refuses to speak to our parents. She won't attend holidays or other family events, and then complains that she's "not included." I used to try very hard to be her friend and to be supportive of her mental health struggles, but when our mom was diagnosed with cancer she made it clear that our friendship was a one way street. I'm kind of done trying at this point. Divorce is against my religious beliefs, but I wish my brother would just move on. Men can be victims of domestic violence too.

[@silvinasi]

I have a dear friend in a similar situation.He is a devout catholic, so in a sense divorce was also something he tried to avoid. But unfortunately, it got to the point of physical abuse and after years of psychological, emotional and even financial abuse, he decided to separate. Just advise your brother to be extremely careful, because the wife in the case I am mentioning, when she realized he was going to file for divorce, turned things around and accused him of abuse of their children. He lost everything fighting for custody of his 6 kids, and she managed to force 4 of them into not having contact with him at all.

[@husainbaba]

@@silvinasi I can realy feel him, this really touches my heart as a father of two young daughters and a husband of a woman with a BPD. I will divorce tomorrow and I now how terrible she will act, God bless your friend

[@moabman6803]

He should get her therapy. Also careful dating can help make wiser decisions who you marry.

[@margueritemazzeo2904]

@@silvinasi So terrible..😭😭💔

[@wtf1231122]

My wife ex wife had BPD and I can tell you that it was the worst relationship I've ever had

[@sith1986]

But it almost felt great before y'all got married right? Then after they get to stage (variable depending on what they want most) and then all down hill.

[@tdeuce7]

don't worry, it felt that way to her, too.

[@DennisNeijmeijer]

@@tdeuce7 guilt can do that to you...

[@nancyayers7669]

Substitute "daughter" for "wife" & that's my situation! 😱😱😱😱😱

[@zejdland]

@@tdeuce7 probably not as bad as for him.... BPD is basically anti social personality disorder but for women

[@BrianaCunningham]

My friend was just diagnosed with BPD and I'm trying to learn more to be supportive. Thanks Dr!

[@charliekgorden4390]

Don't start with this video- there's too much nuance and high scale BPD. Its pretty explosive. Which is not always BPD.

[@tovenrvik6336]

There are four types of Borderline ‼️Dr Ramani has videos about it, and other Mental issues‼️

[@RobertMJohnson]

do yourself a favor and stop being friends with them. it's not your responsibility

[@CrazyMomma007]

This description is VERY applicable to the current intersection of true crime & pop culture. TY for discussing this clearly, concisely & with great empathy.

[@musicobsessive123]

a video on personality disorders and their general propensity towards certain attachment styles would be super interesting... keep up the good work!

[@heathernikki5734]

I have BPD , thank you for a fair and balanced view. No coddling or demonization.

[@shamelessstacib7351]

I have borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. It's exhausting! For your own brain to be both your lifeline AND your mortal enemy... I don't understand how I'm not an addict or an alcoholic other than knowing the types of problems those tend to cause

[@annwethenorth]

It's a spiritual war. It's Satan.

[@TheMadnessandTheMadMan]

14:25 wow....I had serious problems with that and many others on this list. I noticed the splitting as it's super obvious when someone does it. 13 years....4 kids....All this would've been invaluable 1 month ago. I don't hate her....or have any kind of malice towards her now. I just wish I would've known what was going on....so I could perhaps communicate with her more effectively. Find a way to speak her language.

[@mdm8732]

I lived 12 years with mine, known her for 20. It's best to stay out of a relationship and limit communication. Because I think they think they are in a relationship with you so to speak. So being friends or just hanging out will always lead to the same thing you had in your relationship. That is is she is not seeking help

[@mdm8732]

In my experience telling the other they need help is like trying to get an alcoholic to stop drinking. Unless a person realize they want to change something about themselves it's not happening. They will make it seam like you don't remember or have another version that points to you as the one that has it wrong.

[@DeirdreEmm]

I’m a new PMHNP (FNP for 22 years) but just passed my boards 11/21. Your case discussions have been invaluable to me, and you really break everything down so well. Thank you so much. When I finally get a job (don’t understand my crappy luck lately) I will give a donation for your good work. Honestly. Because I’m grateful to have access to them.

[@ALCRAN2010]

Timestamps: 1. (2:32) Distress begins early 2. (3:28) Personality traits in both husband and wife 3. (5:27) The four attachment style irregularities 4. (7:42) Terrible problem solving, communication skills, and frequent arguing 5. (11:28) Wife's dissatisfaction and frequent breakups 6. (12:20) The "love hard fight hard" relationship and isolation 7. (13:31) Wife believes sex equals forgiveness 8. (14:23) Wife's extreme jealousy and husband's isolation 9. (14:48) Wife searching for idealized true love, husband searching for end to the anger. 10. (16:02) Contemplating divorce

[@crystalc.1708]

My Master's program uses his videos for references, he's all over my papers for citations :D

[@joanlynch5271]

Where do you attend college?

[@conniethingstad1070]

my daughter's been required to listen to some of his videos for her grad school art therapy as well

[@gypsy-nr9zd]

Wow that’s cool. He’s like a lil celebrity for y’all psych students. I couldn’t take psychology! I’d go crazy. Ahah! I’m crazy enough

[@Debtwarrior]

A lot of these videos take normal situations and personalities reedescribe them as disorders. It's a bit sinister

[@hallievanoutryve3109]

Debtwarrior that’s more reflective of the DSM and current psychiatry

[@phoneskill78]

I just exited a 16 year marriage, 20 year relationship with an undiagnosed BPD. My jaw is still laying on the ground where I first read the 9 criteria about a decade ago. I can't tell you how many times I laughed and/or shook my head with how spot on everything you just spoke was. Especially the part where you mentioned the husband and OCD. However, I never had any issues prior with OCD before I met my ex. I was diagnosed with GAD and OCD about 4 years ago during a severe nervous breakdown. I often wonder how much of that toxic marriage for all those years contributed to me having those diagnoses. I may have had OCD slightly in my life, but nothing ever really shown. I did have panic attacks seldom? I don't know. Good content man!

[@ST-yc7uj]

.

[@alextorres990]

Can you make a video about Onision (a popular youtuber) and Shiloh's relationship? He was 10 years older than her, sexually abused her, shaved her head, cut her off from family and friends, and would stonewall and gaslight her. She would then be pushed to a point where she would: verbally attack, scream, throw things, all in an attempt to get him to stop hurting her. He would film her, post it on his channel, then spread this idea that she was borderline and that SHE was the crazy one who abused HIM. Do you think you can make a video explaining the effects of abuse and: how people with NPD will push someone to the point where they blow up. And the narcissist uses it as a weapon to make the other person look "crazy".

[@michelemurphy3541]

Alex Torres I am currently experiencing this exact dynamic with my parents. I get pushed every day, all day until I react or shut down, then they use either reaction as proof I am awful ***justifying their dislike for me. It is bizarre and it is extremely destructive.

[@gustavedelior3683]

I would very much like the good doctor's insight on the onision thing. He should do chris hansen too lol.

[@reswobiandreaming3644]

@@michelemurphy3541 That's a game that my Mother used to play with me. I just used to shut down. If I reacted, she'd likely get violent.

[@michelemurphy3541]

@@reswobiandreaming3644 I have read, people with these personality disorders force the people around them into their emotions. I don’t know if this is accurate but I suspect it is somewhat happening, in some way-they either can’t or don’t want to have emotional spectrum so they pick on, nit pick, attack and so on, others into high emotional states because it satiates themselves. I am sorry you went through it, it is awful. Thank goodness we are figuring out what it was so we can get to our own lives. *they steal everyone’s life from them with the years and years of abuse-it is sickening.

[@reswobiandreaming3644]

@@michelemurphy3541 Yes I do see these type of people as some kind of vampire. Like a parasite, they keep sucking your energy away as you invest more in the relationship and they do not reciprocate. A relationship can be a bit like a bank account, these people make withdrawals but they do put any deposits in. Someone else is supposed to do that. I found that with both my parents, but especially my Mum, I had to manage their emotions because they seemed to lack the maturity to do it themselves. I think people in the cluster B group just don't pass that developmental stage where they learn emotional controls. So as a child I had to learn what didn't trigger them or they would get violent. There was always that thing where they made the child feel responsible for their emotional state, which was ridiculous. They just could not take ownership of their emotions, especially the negative emotions. When I got out of the cult, I did not know the difference between my Mother's psychic pain and my own. That was a very confusing and distressing stage of my life. It is good that Dr. Grande puts these videos out here so we can process what happened to us and the comments offer a forum for discussion.

[@Just_Peachy8777]

My son married a BPD, he is a sweet soft spoken person. The wifes sister in law moved in, and she has exact sweet personality as my son. My son likes the sister in law, who is leaving her husband (his BPD wifes brother). The next year will be interesting

[@MoroccoLion]

I found it very interesting to learn that the husbands of BPD wives have a tendency to already be anti-social and troubled with substance abuse.

[@Chic_Ken]

@Jo Pearson did you give it to her? Yikes

[@eyespy0070]

@Jo Pearson actually damaged people want damaged people. Thats the truth.

[@oldmadenewcreations]

This all actually sounds like my husband (pretty sure he's got a bunch of PD's, including BPD and NPD)...our past therapist suggested he has "NPD and many other issues", and also diagnosed me with PTSD from my husband's abuse. I have felt at times, though, like his abuse brings out BPD-type traits in me, like strong emotions, jealousy, and fear (which, of course he uses against me and treats me like it's the cause rather than the effect of his abuse - I believe this is part of his gaslighting), which I've never experienced like this before, but maybe that's just the PTSD.

[@betsy3075]

Rebecca the Robot this is what I am trying to sort through. He was great in the beginning but after the kids were born he changed drastically. He would accuse me of being suspicious, of having paranoid personality disorder. No one had ever said that to me before. I swear he would do and say things to bring it about - like talking to someone at 6am in the morning on the phone asking them if they were going to be there. I heard him talking and when I confronted him he said “ did you sneak up on me” “ you are suspicious, you are crazy, you need help. He said he was calling an office that he had to do work - really at 6am.? He started guarding his phone and having conversations outside, his behavior got really squirrelly. Who wouldn’t react to it. I was married for 21 years, his behavior really ramped up the last year we were together.I have been in therapy for almost 4 years. He has smeared me to family, our children, and now I am so reactive I don’t know if I have BPD or still suffering from CPTSD. All I know is I am different now then before I met him. I never had a relationship like that before, separated for 3 years and divorced for 2. I don’t know if I will ever be healed enough to date again and I am already getting old.

[@oldmadenewcreations]

Betsy, sounds a lot like some stuff with my husband. And you ended up doubting yourself like he told you to? I'm getting better at not self-doubting but, unfortunately, I still struggle, sometimes more than others. For some reason, gaslighting is one of the most hurtful things I've ever dealt with, probably even harder than the cheating.

[@ethanpoole3443]

Significant emotional dysregulation is a component of PTSD/C-PTSD and can easily resemble BPD and Bipolar Disorder in many respects. But if you actually have BPD then you would also expect your partner to be severely devalued (to the point of seeing them as pure evil) without any good reason during BPD episodes - devaluing them while they are abusing you isn’t BPD, the irrationality of BPD devaluing is more like suddenly hating your partner, violently even, in the course of mere seconds because, in your eyes, their hug seemed “less warm” than usual and suddenly you are convinced they are going to abandon you so you absolutely unload upon them. There are a lot of parallels between PTSD/C-PTSD, BPD, APD, and NPD as they all are typically the product of severe abuse (oftentimes childhood abuse) so we share a common origin. But precisely how each is expressed and the motivations behind each are what differentiates one from the other in many respects. As a survivor of childhood C-PTSD and a codependent empath I can see many parallels between myself and Borderline PD, but they are not the same despite sharing many similarities. It’s not uncommon for PTSD/C-PTSD to be misdiagnosed as Borderline PD, Bipolar. Antisocial PD, etc. if they don’t make a complete assessment of your trauma history and symptoms and behaviors. It is also perfectly possible for someone with BPD, for example, to also have some variant of PTSD since they both frequently have childhood trauma at their core.

[@oldmadenewcreations]

@Ethan Poole Your explanation makes total sense to me. Your explanation of the BPD (rather than PTSD) symptoms, like raging because of a perception, is EXACTLY my husband. That's why it's so scary - it's like, you don't know exactly when, why, or how severe it's going be, you just know it's inevitable that it's going to happen. "Walking on eggshells" doesn't even come close to describing the fear I, and my children, have had to live with. And the fact that he often goes out and drinks and drives after/during an "episode" makes it even more scary.

[@ethanpoole3443]

Rebecca the Robot I know well what you mean, when your partner begins splitting (black & white, good vs. evil thinking) you can literally see their state of mind switch just from watching their eyes, one second they are looking at you with warmth and compassion and the very next second comes a cold blank stare followed by the rage, and then the devaluing cycle begins and it is terrifying to be on the receiving end of such. You never know what small and seemingly insignificant event or comment may set off the next round of devaluing and abuse. In my case she was a close friend that progressed into a romantic relationship that lasted about 6 months after we moved in together back in college so I wasn’t as trapped as one in a marriage with children might be, but it was still a terrifying chapter in my life and I’ve not been with another woman in over 25 years after that relationship (it has been an exceedingly lonely 25 years!), it was that terrifying and it destroyed the last remaining bit of trust I had left given that I already struggled with childhood C-PTSD from a very abusive adolescence. The more you can learn about BPD, and especially resources on living with someone with BPD, the more empowered you will be should you choose to remain in this relationship as there are things that we can do differently to try and mitigate their irrational fear of abandonment. I wish I had known what BPD was, or even that such was what she had (she was undiagnosed), 25 years ago as I would have been in a far better position to help manage her and I would have understood the role that my own personality’s tendency to shutdown and dissociate (freeze/fawn per the 4 Fs - fight, flight, freeze, fawn) under extreme stress played in exacerbating her fear of abandonment when the devalue cycles would begin. If I had possessed that knowledge I could have been a great deal more reassuring early on in the devalue cycle in the hope of bypassing much of the violence which is really meant as a twisted sort of commitment test but which in reality tends to push their partners away. More knowledge may also help in convincing the partner to seek help, although getting individuals with personality disorders to recognize their need for help is often very difficult. But if the violence is too great then sometimes the only possible solution is to leave the partner as difficult and heartbreaking as that can be as we still love them. I wish more people understood how hard leaving someone we love dearly is, but most who offer that advice know only the negatives of the relationship nor understand our own fears (many of us also have our own abandonment fears, such as with codependency, we just don’t necessarily react violently) and little of what it is that we see as the positives in those we love. My girlfriend was 95% the heart of an angel who would give the shirt off her back to a total stranger if they were in need and 5% demonic possession with unfathomable violence courtesy of BPD - leaving that 95% was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but she was not willing to get proper help and treatment and I could not continue to live wondering whether I would wake up one morning to a slit throat, so, sadly, the 5% won out. But that relationship still torments me decades later and is one of the many issues I am currently working through in my treatment for childhood C-PTSD.

[@KARMABELLA24]

I can't wrap my head around, how people treat spouses as described in youre video My ex husband, has NPD with sociopath, he destroyed, gave away, threw away my things. Broke all our plates, etc. Verbal and emotional abuse at criminal level. He was charged with criminal abuse. Cheated on me with men and women. Alm the abuse was behind closed doors. In public, he had to hold my hand. I ended up with cptsd after 16 months of daily abuse. I dont know if I'll ever be able to date again. These evil, methodical, sadistic abusive disordered people, need to be on a list. I'm the second wife, my now ex methodically destroyed, or tried to. I highly recommend, EMDR therapy to help heal from the abuse Thank you DR Grande for you're videos. You have helped, so many 🤗💜🤗💜broken no more Silence no more

[@ckay9006]

I hope you recover enough to find a love that is loving and nurturing , don't lose hope, I know it's hard but none of us deserve to suffer anymore than we already have.

[@natashamudford4011]

@@brusselsprout5851 What's the right basket?

[@artgirl7480]

Bella Vie Life is Beautiful EMDR is amazing!! A very effective therapy!! I’m glad you found it helpful to your healing.

[@ethanpoole3443]

It sometimes helps to realize these people are just as broken as many of us who end up with them as many of them were the product of considerable childhood abuse. To me, the greater tragedy is that these personality disorders often make it near impossible to get them to see that they need help and so they remain trapped in the same destructive behaviors throughout their adult lives whereas were they able to see they need therapy they might have been able to heal from their past traumas and live much healthier lives without abusing their future partners, or perhaps even saving their current relationship. They do evil and cruel things to us, and are absolutely responsible and accountable for their behavior and for seeking help and treatment (just as with an addiction), but it sometimes helps to separate the actions from the person and rather than hate the person I prefer to hate their actions while remaining compassionate for the person as they too were the product of severe abuse during childhood. If we were more proactive in identifying and treating childhood abuse early, ideally while they are still children, we could likely prevent most of the abuse in the vast majority of persons as most did not come into this world as evil. But that is simply my philosophy and not a judgement as I do not believe in hating others, but I can certainly hate the sin. I started out already having childhood C-PTSD (though it would not be diagnosed for another 25 years) from years of severe peer abuse and isolation throughout the entirety of my teens (I was that teen that *everyone* at a new school rejected, would pretend as through he didn’t exist, took turns bullying dozens of times daily, and had but one friend, also rejected by his peers), severe enough that my physical health collapsed at 18, when I got into a relationship with a close female friend at 22 that had undiagnosed BPD. As a codependent empath (empaths are often forged by childhood abuse) it isn’t an accident that many of us end up with partners with severe personality disorders as they are often dependent and we are their unsuspecting prey because we can only see the best in others and are often blind to the negatives until much too late. We were only together for about six months but it was the most violent and terrifying six months of my adult life with bruises so deep they took up to three months to heal, more bite marks than I could count, suicide attempts, cheating, etc. The part that has always haunted me the most, however, is that, the BPD aside, *she* had the heart of an angel and would give the shirt off her back to help another in need, but the BPD gave her a side best described as demon possessed and capable of unfathomable violence and just knowing that the BPD would forever ruin every relationship she would ever have torments me at least as much as the abuse I endured to this very day (in fact, that guilt is something I’m currently working on in therapy for my C-PTSD). But, try as one might, it is almost impossible for them to see that they desperately need help and so the cycle continues with each new relationship. I hesitate to say exactly what I believe her childhood trauma was, but if my suspicions are correct then it was an extraordinarily awful act of betrayal and abuse by a certain family member that likely contributed to her developing BPD in the same way my abuse in childhood lead to my developing C-PTSD, the collapse of my mental and physical health, and becoming a codependent empath as an adult. I can also attest from experience that there are effectively zero resources available for male victims of domestic violence, we can’t even take the risk of trying to defend ourselves when we are being battered, and there are no victim resources whatsoever (especially 25 years ago) even though men represent a large proportion of DV victims (far larger than most realize) - had I showed up at a DV shelter I would have been arrested for being male and there were no support groups for men back then (even today, such support groups for men are exceedingly rare). I am exceedingly grateful that women at least have access to some resources once they are ready to leave abusive relationships, I just wish men had similar resources when they need them as it is a very terrifying position to be in! Sadly, as an already abuse survivor, that relationship destroyed what was left of my ability to extend trust to others so I have neither pursued any new romantic relationships nor been able to make any new close friends in more than 25 years. I finally started therapy for the C-PTSD a few months ago at 48. I had first tried to seek help nearly 30 years ago only to be further abused by a pair of egotistical psychiatrists at a time when I was much too weak to defend myself from their abuse and I had to escape from them and bury my past abuse just to heal from their abuse and try to move on with my life as best I could on my own. I’m grateful that you are presumably seeking therapy for your C-PTSD soon afterwards as back in the late 80s and early 90s those of us with trauma were simply blamed for being weak and treated as a joke by the psychiatric profession and there was no help or support available for abuse victims. The sooner one can seek treatment for trauma the better the outcome and the easier it is to heal the trauma...and the less fallout it has on the rest of your life. Today, at least, there seems to be much more awareness of the consequences of abuse, both adult and especially in childhood years, and it seems to be taken much more seriously rather than them treating us like a joke and actively blaming us for our abuse as they did in past decades. But I really wish there had been support for abuse survivors back then as the C-PTSD, despite the degree to which I had largely compartmentalized it, has largely run my adult life in the background, though I was largely unaware as to the full extent until recently, and it has been an unbelievably lonely and isolated adult life with very few remaining close friends since I can no longer make close friends without any trust left to extend. In fact, my one remaining close friend (I’ve become quite isolated over the years from both C-PTSD as well as my being left disabled from my past abuse) of more than 27 years it turns out also started therapy for childhood C-PTSD and a history of violent partners the same week I did - she and I were always open about our history of mental illness but we never realized how incredibly similar our stories were as we had never shared our trauma stories as they are exceedingly personal and full of shame and are seldom shared with others (at least not in any detail). At least she and I have been able to stay in touch and talk regularly to try and support each other through this as she is also getting over a recent violent relationship with a narcissistic ex. But, aside from my therapist, she is probably about the only other person I could have shared my story with as I don’t have that level of trust in many people any more, I just wasn’t prepared for her to respond that she was dealing with exactly the same trauma though I’m grateful she was comfortable opening up about her story after I shared mine as she clearly also needed someone to talk to who would never judge her for her past and I am grateful to be that friend. I wish you all the best in your recovery and I hope that you can regain your trust and find a more stable and loving partner in the future as I can tell you from first hand experience that going more than 25 years without any emotional or physical intimacy whatsoever absolutely sucks and I don’t recommend such. But I also understand the fear and lack of trust that comes with such abusive relationships and I am grateful that you were able and willing to seek therapy soon after escaping the relationship. I’m very sorry that you had to endure that ordeal and I promise you that there are many men out there who would never abuse you so please don’t give up as you do deserve much better and are worthy of such love and respect!

[@goodintentions1302]

@@artgirl7480 I hope EMDR is dependent on the practioner's expertise in that area. I am on a waiting list ... Apparently it'll be another 3 months before I will be seen. The EMDR therapy I had years ago was a total waste of my time and money. Insurance didn't cover it.

[@Frostedminifirecracker]

We had a close friend who married an extremely difficult woman. We could never understand it until we met his mother. The wife and the husband’s mother were identical in personality traits. So, we decided he must feel comfortable in that relationship’s familiarity.

[@brittaolson6550]

I love the way you provide information about disorders, geared towards specific people in their lives who may be concerned. Sometimes, people who are ill have the insight to seek help but, often, it is a partner or family member who is looking for information. I think you are helping more people by making videos for people with various perspectives.

[@MJ-mp1fx]

I have BPD and recently started marriage counseling with my husband. I definitely see the anger, urges to self harm, jealousy (of his closeness to his family- I'm not worried about him cheating), and I'm embarrassed to say I've thrown things (at the wall, not him). Conflict also began for us right away. I've withdrawn. He's flipped in my mind from being my partner to being my adversary. I feel bad that he's had to cope with all of that. He's pretty closed off, so I'm not sure if he has some mental illness also, but I suspect he might. This video at least gives me hope that we're able to work through things that are not entirely uncommon. I'm also glad I'm not so far gone that setting his truck on fire seems like a good idea- holy cow.

[@mammadingo9165]

My jealousy has almost ruined my life , 15 years in a relationship but mostly feel alone jealous that he pets the dam dog and gives her affection then grunts a hello at me as he pushes past (don't we all treat the dog better though.?) He is so distant and uninterested it makes me feel more alone , no diagnosis but there's something neuro divergent about both of us ! I may have BPD .. he may be ASD undiagnosed. ... Seeking help still .

[@grayhalf1854]

An avoidant husband / bpd wife combination being less likely to divorce just says to me that the husband has weak boundaries and is letting their wife do whatever they want in the relationship (and outside...)

[@onemuckypup9823]

Sounds like my brother's situation. His wife is awful - she does nothing in the house, treats my brother like a servant, driven away his friends, wrecked the relationship I had with him. She cannot sustain friendships and is very manipulative. My brother's easy-going and laidback nature has allowed her to get away with murder. To say I dislike her is a massive understatement. Over 30 years' worth of her destructiveness finally drove me to the point of no return - I gave it to her with all guns blazing. I'm usually pretty easygoing, but there comes a time when enough is enough.

[@grayhalf1854]

@One Mucky Pup After so many years I wonder whether your brother will ever change his situation. Tbh he's probably way too enmeshed now. I'm single and wary about getting involved with anyone now - by my age (50) there are a lot of women being recycled back into the dating pool who have BPD/NPD tendencies and I'd rather avoid all that. Then again I have AvPD tendencies and a lot of women would counsel their girlfriends to not get involved with someone like me, so it cuts both ways.

[@onemuckypup9823]

@@grayhalf1854 My brother won't leave now - he's 70 later this year. I totally understand why you are wary - I'm the same. I really don't need to have a partner in order to be happy. Thanks for your honest answer - it's refreshing. Best of luck in life - be happy. Love from Australia xxx

[@grayhalf1854]

@@onemuckypup9823 Thanks Mucky, all the best to you and your brother, from a rainy London town 🙏

[@richard.featherstone]

This describes a woman I lived with for two years. She'd start arguments over the most trivial, sometimes non existent matters. If I answered back and pointed out how wrong her thinking was she would would attack me and try to scratch my face, on many occasions she ripped clothing off me leaving friction burns on my neck. If I refused to argue with her she would also attack me, but on one occasion she picked up a piece of broken glass and slashed her arm so badly she gave herself permanent nerve damage - suicide talk followed that. A few months after I ended it with her she got in touch wanting to try again, aside from this behaviour she was great, but she was two people. I told her no and said that "I must be very annoying to live with to make you behave like that - because you don't behave with other people like that do you"? That's when a look of realisation swept over her face and she went.

[@panama2468]

Exactly. Why is it only in the home, with their supposed loved ones. They hide their condition from others, in the public, yet unleash their disorder in their very own house.

[@acanadianfarmgirl2667]

@@panama2468 ...absolutely! My son’s friend just said this a few days ago. She’s not like that when I’m there. Makes one wonder if they can control their reactions/behaviour when they choose to.

[@konanmaui]

Help! This describes my marriage of 26 years to a T! I am definitely avoidant that is why I have put up with it for so long. Thousands of $$ in counseling with no favorable results. I believe I am about to pull my head out of the sand and do something but I fear what she will do. She has told everyone we know about my struggles in life in an effort to try and make herself look like a saint. We have no friends. The last couple that tried to help us are now according to her no longer her friends because she felt they were siding with me (not true). Our kids are grown now and gone. I guess I’m at a crossroads in life. Everything in this video describes my marriage exactly.

[@mgal6234]

That’s a shame. You deserve to be happy. You can lead a horse to water, as they say...I do wish you well!

[@ahnraemenkhera7451]

Duuuude! Get OUT of there. Sneak out, slip out but LEAVE. Seriously, life’s too short. Don’t announce anything until you’re at a safe distance-& stay that way! If the therapy didn’t help, you CANT either. Maybe after some years pass, you can reconcile or at least resume speaking. But the ill have to be self-motivated to change their condition. Plus, being afraid of what anybody else will do is no way to live. Best to ya! 🌱

[@Dem765]

Idk if you're still in the relationship... But have you tried talking to someone with BPD about ways to cope with her? Females with BPD require a very.... Specific, heavy-handed approach from their significant other, what's typically seen as controlling in average relationships. We require more forcefulness in order to feel secure and taken care of, because we can't emotionally take care of ourselves. Unless you took the latter advice, to run from the "evil" person who you invested your life with whom birthed and raised your children. Ik we can be hard to handle, and even abusive if completely out of control, but most of us mean well. I hope that whatever decision you made worked out for both of you.

[@jessepitt]

Get out! Your life is wasting away.

[@hybridhazza]

Get out. What do you have to lose. Your kids are old enough to withstand it

[@freecountry3544]

I have traits. I just thought I would share some comforting knowledge from experience. Firstly, as you get older, depressive episodes come and go.....they are horrific, but indulge in recovery, learn learn learn in those moments and always take care of your health. It gets better as you get older. I've dropped verbalising my fears and problems around others. I've dropped giving details about trauma. I've dropped negative relationships and taken up a simple life. It only sounds boring while you are still toxic. It gets better. It gets better.

[@memyselfandi6862]

FreeCountry ! so so soooo happy to read you feel much better ! thank you for sharing what you have learned, you have hard won lessons - learned and built upon. not easy as you well know. all the best to you!

[@passinthru4788]

Yes, getting off the drama roller coaster is necessary, and setting boundaries and not allowing them to be removed; assertiveness is a must; don't accept their accusations that we are selfish for not participating or limiting participation in their drama; living simply and avoiding being drawn into their drama, as well as assertive tactics and boundaries is an absolute must to one's own mental and physical health. 😉

[@catherinemccarthy4363]

Crickey. Just had a catch-up binge on the Depp/Heard suit. Lots of boxes ticked on here for Amber. Helps to explain much of Johnny's behavior. What a nightmare.

[@Juliet_Capulet]

"The fifth sign is that the wife is dissatisfied in the marriage...interestingly, this isn't so different from non-BPD marriages..." You took the words right out of my mouth, LOL! Just playin'. Thanks for another great, informative vid.

[@JoyT01]

Lmao needed that laugh

[@anjawutz6656]

I had all 9 traits severely as a teen. I am now 24, in a committed, long-term relationship, with stable employment, and working on my PhD to have my own identity and purpose outside of my partner's. I have never (nor will I ever) assault him physically in any way or use anything as a weapon during conflict-resolution. Occasionally, during a verbal disagreement, I get too upset and have to take a break and cry before coming back to the issue, but that's not a big deal in my opinion. There is a lot of hope for BPD sufferers willing to commit to regular treatment. We are not bad people, we just need treatment and to be accountable for previous destructive behaviors.

[@ashleysmith3562]

I have bpd and I have to say many of these habits I have never/would never do to my partner. You make bpd patients sound like monsters, some of us are capable of having healthy relationships. Although I do deal with a lot of anger and other bpd symptoms, I've never physically abused my partner, thrown things at him, broken things, vindictively done something that would hurt him out of revenge like you explain, etc.

[@jlllx]

monsters is a nice way of putting it too.

[@jazeenharal6013]

Monster is way too kind. Maybe you've never been with one..and probably lack the hardware to actually understand how much you damage the other party

[@Cvmanuel227]

I had to end a nearly 30 year friendship because of my friend's wife. She will destroy everyone and everything in her path to have him to herself. It's really dangerous. Stay safe get help and God bless

[@Yourworstfears]

Before I even start. Bpd wife here. Can’t wait to hear this 😬 I’m considered high functioning. Married for 16 years. I still do DBT therapy books to help, meds for some symptoms and things are okay! They can go south very quickly and I am never violent, I may yell, go on rants that go too far and maybe say hurtful things I don’t mean. I always apologize, I always know when and what I did wrong. My husband is a 💎 for how well he’s learned “me” and continues to learn me while I make such significant changes from the woman he married.

[@lissarhea1790]

Ummm...this sounds like my ex husband actually. I was watching this because of the JD/AH trial. But these descriptions sounds like how my ex acted. It was SO exhausting and nothing helped or stopped the fights or made things better, no matter how much I gave in or tried to make peace. I am so thankful I finally let go. I had to because I became physically sick because of how much stress it caused. He also got really angry if anyone talked to me instead of him or if I laughed with friends over a joke. And anything could set him off. The last year we were together he got intensely more violent and verbally mean. It was horrible

[@willabestorms6059]

😢😢

[@danagilley9247]

I have only been diagnosed with BPD for A Couple of years, prior to this I was diagnosed as Bipolar. Its Hard to Live with Mental Illness, I just Wish I was Normal.

[@jennygibbons1258]

Indeed. It’s exhausting. I feel for you.

[@rando9574]

breakup every 6 months.. oh , that sounds chill ! i calculated now after 10 years there has been around 500 breakups. im a wreck

[@karengiles1195]

Hello! Dealing with daughter in-law BPD! Was very difficult at first ,not understanding the mean spirited behavior towards my son and myself! But listening to podcast and mental health programs helped! I could only change my reactions to her behavior! Understanding not to take it to heart!There As and Bs don't connect in there brain like ours. I try not to react and let it go! We are better as a family! Through therapy and understanding that mental illness is regulated doesn't ever completely go away! Good day!

[@godines007able]

Clarified a lot and also was positive to hear that there is hope. My wife is not diagnosed but I strongly feel she has this and checks almost all the boxes. Explains all the silly fights. Also helps me to know how to better address things.

[@Looshfarmer]

My ex male partner was Borderline. I was 18 and didn’t know as he was diagnosed long after we split. I did know he had conduct disorder as a child, but in U.K. they won’t (rightly) label you until adulthood. I was so out of my depth. It was traumatising for me as well. I remember having the police give me the option of having him sectioned or arrested for jumping in a river and threatening a female police officer with a stick. He had sliced his arms, over dosed and had trashed the house-yet again. He never forgave me for getting him sectioned. But I thought it was better than having a criminal record as he clearly needed help.

[@laraoneal7284]

Thank God I’ve never experienced this type of relationship with myself even though I’m divorced. When I was unhappy within my marriage I just shut down and withdrew. Was only married 3 years.

[@Hun_Uinaq]

I did 15 years with one. Yes, I wrote that exactly as I meant it. Looking back, it definitely felt like prison time. Fellas, it doesn’t get any better. Doesn’t matter what you do, it doesn’t matter how many times you exceed to her demands, how kind you are, how considerate you are, help patient you are. None of it matters! It does not get better. She acts the same. Get out as soon as possible. It’s not worth it. No woman is worth that. Not even if she has millions. Not even if she looks like Helen of troy.

[@kbere4142]

I went to therapy as a young adult, against the will of my parents who shamed me for it. During my first session as I shared issues I was having, my counselor explained to me “I’m pretty sure your mom has BPD” and I was in awe with how the next few months of therapy went. It explained sooooo much.

[@MultiCappie]

I don't think divorce is an all-explanatory measure of a successful mariage. I think there are a lot of failed marriages wherein the couple are deeply unhappy but not divorced.

[@kaylaisnothere4397]

Exactly. Staying together for the kids is a very common dynamic.

[@sarahholland2600]

I think it's generational. I've met or worked with so many older (50+) women who are unhappy, but think they'd never survive financially on their own, so they stay put.

[@neo_7864]

so does divorce for an unhappy couple makes it a successful marriage?

[@Leirothehero]

Would you ever be willing to do a video on success rates and such with various types of treatment for bpd? Thank you!

[@louwisa]

Grey Mage id really like to hear this 😩😩😩

[@tomtownsend5009]

Yes, great suggestion

[@OnsceneDC]

I agree. I'm also very interested in learning more about DBT as well as it's utility in treating other disorders. I have CPTSD and it has been recommended to me. I've heard mixed reviews about whether it's useful for other conditions. Would be keen, Dr. Grande, if you're able to address this.

[@Leirothehero]

Miss E I have that and oddly enough bpd and am currently in cbt and am curious about other types of treatment especially dbt.

[@deesbeesknees]

Gavin DBT helped me tremendously. I’m with BPT and Autism.

[@SusannaPowers]

Thank you so much for making this. I suspect my former partner may have BPD, but he is a man. If you haven’t already, could you please make a video about what it’s like to be in a relationship with a guy who has this disorder? I see you have one that is about men though that I’ll definitely watch

[@sweetwilliam2511]

This is my wife all the way! I'm far from perfect but this describes her on every level 100%! I really needed to hear this.

[@tovenrvik6336]

There are four types of Borderline ‼️Dr Ramani has videos about it and different mental issues ‼️

[@mr.makedonija2627]

Me 2. It's fkn soul sucking

[@KismetKat11]

We just discovered that my brother’s 3rd wife has BPD. They had distanced themselves from the family and we didn’t know what was going on. My brother has opened up and it’s helpful to have the understanding. But at the same time, we can’t do a thing to help and feel worried for his physical and emotional safety.

[@husainbaba]

You can't believe how many times I have re-watched this video during the past year, as a husband of a BPD woman, thank you. I'm so desperate but it's good to easy on myself, I'm used to eat and blam myself that I led her to this psychological condition, but it's definitely her parents and her childhood.

[@SamCPower]

I have BPD and my ex wife had BPD like symptoms, although I am not sure if she has been officially diagnosed with BPD. I can say from experience this is one of the most destructive marriage scenarios out there. In our 2 year relationship there was a break up followed by separation (she leaving the house) every 2 months on average. A bad fight every couple of weeks. The anger in these fights was completely out of this world. There were many instances in which she attempted to get out of moving vehicles, hit me, scratched me, kicked me, even cut me with a knife. My anger was mostly expressed inward, I cut myself and attempted suicide several times. She attempted to get me to commit suicide several times. Even offering the weapon for me to do it. Telling me to jump off valconies, etc. Every time she left the feelings of abandonment were overwhelming. It was like my life was ending. The fights were often followed by periods of extreme perfection including amazing sex. When we were good, we were amazing. This cycle was perpetual. I found it impossible to break free from this relationship. Even in the separation that ended in divorce, there were periods of reconciliation. The divorce process was the worst experience of my life including a restraining order (she placed a restraining order on me even tho she was the one who was physically aggressive, it took a while for the judge to remove it) a costly divorce. During the separation she got a hold of all my awards, licenses, and diplomas and destroyed most them. She once scratched my car. She destroyed a computer hardrive which contains all of undergrad, grad school work and many of my pictures, at least two phones including one broken by throwing it on my chest. It has taken me a long time to accept that this relationship cannot work. I am finally trying to move on.. I have been in therapy at least once per week for over a year. I believe she has been too. Even after this therapy there are things I am far from conquering... I only hope that eventually things will get better.

[@tovenrvik6336]

There are four types of Borderline, Dr Ramani videos‼️

[@davidthomspson9771]

Damn dude.....

[@TheGladeGirl]

SamCast ….. be kind to yourself, don’t look back, that was a destructive relationship. You got out with your life, don’t waste what is left to you. NEVER GO BACK TO HER OR EVEN RESPOND TO HER MESSAGES ETC - this is very important. You are so very lucky to have another chance of happiness in life - that would never happen with her. She has shown you she is a ‘master manipular’. Focus on building a good life without her.

[@misschievous5071]

Meanwhile, i was diagnosed with NO behavior disorders. Which infuriated the X. You think your man would be HAPPY that I am healthy. But, he needed a diagnosis that would allow him to make excuses for his own poor behavior toward me. Very sad situation he has to live in. But, I'm narc free and healing. I feel sorry for his new GF who he had to hook into before we were even divorced. She has no idea he's already cheating. Or what she's in for as far as abuse.

[@PCMenten]

Miss Chievous ; I hope you will come to wish your ex well. And I hope you will forgive him for both of your sakes.

[@misschievous5071]

What he considers "well" is abusing people for his own amusement. So, wishing him well is a catch 22. What I WISH is that he WERE well. And I know he never will be. He will just get worse. Very sad too. Because he had a woman who loved him dearly.

[@misschievous5071]

I don't believe one has to forgive to move on. I'd say, he's been forgiven by me many times throughout the years. And he ran right over me again and again. What I NEED to do is forgive MYSELF for not leaving earlier.

[@misschievous5071]

@@brusselsprout5851 thank you Judy! It's going to be alot of work.

[@jaredmello]

You are probably codependent or you never would have fallen for a narc in the first place

[@Juliet_Capulet]

Thank God somebody finally pointed out that when one partner has a serious mental health issue, the other partner often tends to have issues, too. Mentally and emotionally healthy people don't *generally* go running for someone with serious and obvious issues. Even a White Knighter will usually have his reasons, to wit: insecurity, a need for a purpose outside himself, a desperate need to be "needed," and so on. People love to say "My PARTNER was a narcissist/was passive-aggressive/was this or that" and while the blame should not be put on the victim, and NOBODY should ever be abused, well, come on. Do healthy people generally want and marry train wrecks? Even playing the "I can never be wrong, period, it 100% has to be my partner's fault" card is not exactly indicative of solid mental health. JMO, not a professional (obviously).

[@eliezeretecap]

Yeah, people like to say "I'm a codependent" like it's a good thing, a quality. But in reality codependents are also fucked up. The only real victims are the children from these type of marriages in my opinion.

[@northofyou33]

Yup. I have some of the characteristics of BPD, and my husband was a malignant narcissist. That was fun.

[@sixlacroix6014]

Those are the "codependent empaths" that are actually vulnerable narcissists.

[@Jimbeaux]

It's extremely important to note that BPD afflicted people are excellent at mirroring and putting up a fake front. They manipulate everything to make you think they are "your perfect match", when in reality they are only drawing you into their dark world. I don't think you could say a person has issues because they like what is presented - that would be the same as saying people who get swindled of their life savings brought it on themselves. At the most, kindness and misplaced trust are the "issues" of the BPD's victims.

[@Myaccount923]

@@Jimbeaux you act like it’s intentional. It’s a personality disorder. They’re not mirroring you for sport...and don’t even realize they’re doing it. Water seeks its own level it’s called accountability

[@Joshdifferent]

My girlfriend of 5 years. Had BPD and so did her mother. Her father had narcissistic personality disorder. My mother has NPD and my dad is a codependent. I don’t have a personality disorder, but I lasted for five years with this girl. This girl is possibly a narcissist with borderline treats, though I’m not possibly sure. Relationship did a lot of damage, but within the past two years, I’ve done a lot of work on myself, and went no contact with my narcissistic family to realizing on the scapegoat. It has been a long journey. But it is what it is.

[@soulfulreflections77]

Proud of you, Josh. That is amazing.

[@2121KJW]

Sitting here watching another good one On an air mattress in my dads otherwise empty house I left Again Thank goodness I have a place to lay this time here Just a tired dude Ten years married Fifteen together I’m loyal like a dog But the constant sadness my wife says I put her through finally broke me I left

[@BeingBetter]

How are you now?

[@2121KJW]

Still stayed away. Just had to tell her no again. I’m happier now for sure tho.

[@victoriag2543]

I feel like this is a Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Story!

[@ScenicWanders]

Right on the 💰

[@fisheatsteel]

I'm really sorry but wow this was my ex. Like every single thing said on here just blew my mind. I knew she had it but I just didn't know much about it. I accidentally found out when I was organizing a room and saw a school document referring to her having BPD and I thought it meant Bipolar disorder. But she was hot and cold with me and broke up with me and then wanted me back. After the 2nd time she broke up I ended it for good and went no contact because it is emotional torture for me as I already have abandonment issues. She also could not seem to control her moods at all and was very unstable. Sometimes I felt I couldn't exist for a day without somehow "doing something wrong" in her mind. She would constantly complain about and criticize me for just about everything, yet would portray it as simply "how she feels" in a way that really felt like gaslighting and passive aggression. I mean there was one day where I just literally worked all day and when I got off she was just started immediately barraging me with 50 different anxieties and feelings she was having which overwhelmed me. She didn't seem to have very much empathy for others and seemed kind of stuck in her own perspective. If I did half the stuff she did to me she would freak out on me. She was also insanely jealous to the point that sometimes it felt like she cared more about possessing me than me as an actual person. She tracked my location at all times on my phone and I could have no female friends, yet she still talked to her ex-bf sometimes. She could get extremely angry and violent. She broke entire doors off of the hinges, punched numerous holes in the wall, threw objects (like her phone) at me at very high speeds, tackled me to the ground, pushed me, hit me, etc. When I tried to leave a room to avoid conflict with her she would follow me, banging and breaking down doors, force me to have "conversations" with her, scream at my face, push me, hit me, etc. A few times I tried to leave the house to get away, even if just temporarily, and she would follow me in her car and chase me down and scream at me to get in and go home. She also broke things if we got in fights and acted like that was okay because it wasn't hurting me (even though it creates a hostile environment). Same with when she threw her phone at my head full speed. She said if she wanted to hit me she would have as if that makes it okay. She would also throw or hurt my stuffed animal and also cut herself a few times after arguments and made me feel guilty about it. Oh and apparently she was a secret alcoholic the whole time. It was so insane and traumatizing. For reference, my dad tried to murder my mom when I was 2 and then my mom abused me because I reminded her of my dad. I was a saint but apparently I was just never good enough. I had to cut ties and go no contact. It was too toxic and abusive.

[@airyeeblesid824]

You just described some of my partner's behavior is...im trying to understand because he also seems to be sarcastic with no empathy and bullies me all the time.

[@musicbrazilian7065]

I thought I had borderline personality traits but my psychologist said I tend to be an avoidant in romantic relationships but not borderline, I have been trying very hard to pay attention when I might push away a love interest. Most importantly keeping my passion and hobbies in action in the daily basis keep my mental health because I can see my dreams self actualized otherwise I might become angry or deeply sad. I think what happen often it is people enter romantic partnerships without knowing their artistic/intellectual/professional potential or trauma from their past which makes them snap and bored and sad which leads to anger.

[@rapunzelmane9592]

Sometimes people with CPTSD are wrongly diagnosed as Borderline. Try reading: CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker.

[@musicbrazilian7065]

@@rapunzelmane9592Thank you so much! I will take a look I am ready to become the whole self I was born to be.

[@alphashewolf9109]

My dad committed suicide due to his BPD, malignant narcissist wife. He was the most calm, giving and loving person. He showered her with gifts to try to keep the peace. His escape was alcohol. He went to treatment, she slept with his best friend while he was there.

[@ianarn]

What’s strange is she’ll fall out with her lover with no closure! Then be talking to another man and not try to reconcile with her lover! While constantly telling everyone how much she values honesty and monogamy.

[@liordagan9342]

I knew a family in which the wife was doing all of that. She also had 0 remorse, and would make anyone being uncomfortable with her behaviour, the problem. Calling her out was tantaount to a war crime. This is the first time I have heard of anyone behaving like that acknowledge that they might the cause, and try to get help. It's a start. The particular woman's behaviour caused her sons to literally sing "The wicked witch is gone", when she died. Her daughter became like her, and cut contact with her brothers (who said that it was the cherry on top).

[@CristinaF210]

i dont know why your comment made me have a laugh fit...

[@liordagan9342]

@@CristinaF210 It's funny when it doesn't happen to you.

[@andylemon80]

What I have noticed is that oftentimes the “trauma bonding” component is not included in any NPD and BPD analysis here. This factor may explain to a certain extend the surprisingly research findings related to the relatively high number of people (40-50%) that despite being abused claim to be satisfied within a disfuncional relationship. Thoughts?

[@sarahholland2600]

I think Stockholm Syndrome would explain the percent that are abused surprisingly happy. Its wger you have feelings for your abuser, as a coping strategy. If the abuser feels 'loved' the abuse is often less frequent & therefore more manageable for the victim. Stockholm Syndrome is why so many DV victims find it so hard to leave.

[@Ikaros23]

A mix of codependency dissorder and stockholm syndrom. The codependent is also manipulated with gaslighting and has a low sence of self. They also belive falsely that they have " influence" or " controll" over the NPD or BPD, when in reality they have zero controll over them and are themself also mentaly ill. The main problem is that if you grow up with caretakers that has NPD or BPD you don`t know the difference of dysfunctional and a functional family environment. The codependent will also be attracted to toxic people and lack the abillity to identify with people who are healthy, or be attracted to them. They may say that " normal is boring" or " All men are bad boys" or " all women are toxic/bitches" etc when in reality it is they who only are attracted to that kind of partner. They can`t make the connection that the pice in the pussle with all their former toxic relationships in the past is THEM. To the person with codependency dissorder, the world is like having on red glasses, when healthy people see red flags all you see is flags!. what helps?: 1:therapy with a expert on codependency and narcissism 2: and education on BPD/narcissism/dark triad and codependency and the difference of functional and dysfunctional family dynamics 3: Learning to have firm boundarys 4: Learning the truth that you are only responsible for your own health and mental health and not others 5: learning about shame ( judgeing yourself with the view of others, inside your own mind) 6: Learning about the importants of " self-love", " self-care" , " self-respect" and to simply cut out the things in life that don`t give you value long term. 7: Cut toxic people out of your life, and to see that it is your own responsibillity who you spend your time with. You can never change others The most important insight 8: Your love for another person is never going to heal their mental health issues. Reality is that your love might even enable them to keep on beeing toxic.

[@monicanapier9087]

It calls co dependency .. fear of abandonment

[@lifeis2407]

Agree... This guy in the video sounds like a passive aggressive narsisitic man who has things about his own past that he does not want to admit to.

[@redrocks1983]

Trauma attracts trauma. It doesn't have to implode if both partners have the drive to work hard on themselves aside from their relationship. It's sad, because children who suffer trauma (abuse/neglect) weren't at fault - yet will have to carry those burdens.

[@Golfing422]

This is 100 percent my x wife. She went though my phone, she threw a jug of milk at me, slit her wrist when I was done arguing with her. I thought maybe she was a narcissist, but she’s not that evil. Love with her was scorched earth and she was very needy and clingy. We had different goals and she couldn’t accept that my goals weren’t her goals so there was continuous conflict and turmoil. Everything in life had to revolve around our relationship. We were two way different people.

[@annalisa14]

Doctor Grande, god bless you for giving your life toward helping humanity’s most difficult issues; healing and directing human communication !💕🙏

[@yourenough3]

Wow your channel is growing so fast. Wtg Dr. G

[@t5396]

One of your greatest videos yet. Thank you, Dr. G.

[@T_mmy_]

This was very interesting. Please follow this up with the husband focus soon - it's interesting to see the differences the sexes bring to the situation.

[@muirgirl]

These are gendered performances of self, and you have identified why these diagnoses are super subjective and susceptible to structural violence. DSM is a mess.

[@blessedrthosesermount99]

I suffered with BPD all my young adult life. It's a destroyer. Now, as a middle aged, I seem to have outgrown the disorder, however, the destruction it caused remains and it's very very sad.

[@brentpatterson218]

Just got out out of a near two year relationship with a BPD.. She broke up with me 15 times, hit me 4 times, had 2 pyschotic episodes including one driving drunk, cut herself at least twice a month, beat herself even more, and obviously the amount of unnecessary screaming monologue fights due to her 'anxiety' were beyond count... One of the key reasons I woke up was that 15th breakup. I decided enough was enough, next time she does it I will just let her leave. Sure enough, this robbed her of her desire for drama and she was quite shocked I was done! She began to have a panic attack in her car but I approached her and told her why don't we spend 5 minutes talking about all the good times before you go? So I sit there trying to tell her good things about herself and she keeps interrupting and going back to whatever the original argument was. After 5 min of me sticking to continuing my rant about her good qualities, she finally interrupts me one last time and says "When I broke up with you tonight I did it thinking it would solve our argument". I was shellshocked. She just admitted to me that abandoning me was a manipulative tactic up her sleeve. Which makes me wonder if any or all of the other 14 times were also manipulations... I sat there in such shock that I didn't speak for a while. I eventually asked her if that meant she still wanted to be together and she said yes. I then asked her if she realized what she just said was an admittance of manipulation. Then she changed the story and said that's not what she said or meant... So I took her back for a week but didn't want to break up with her cause her birthday was coming up. This next part goes to your sex point. I hung out with her on her birthday. THE WHOLE DAY she was completely miserable and could not cheer up in the slightest for her day. I was actually feeling so liberated because I was going to break up with her soon that for the first time since we got together I was funny and charming and having a really good time. Despite this, she could not laugh. We end up having sex later and it's like she could breathe again. Sex always rapidly elevated her out of a slump- at least for a while.. Anyways, lucky my stupid ass did not get her pregnant. Left her that week, did not look back. She has a new victim who she's posting oversexual photos with on ig clearly to get back at me. He doesn't know I posted on ig a funny screenshot of me talking to a new girl on okcupid earlier that week and also texted my ex earlier that same week before these posts of hers, just asking her to admit her overly violent/abusive behavior so I can get some closure. I got no text response. Then this girl who never posts online suddenly is posting oversexual pictures with this guy I was once suspicious of- who I actually had made the mistake of telling her I had a dream she cheated with him. I messaged him assuring him I sought no issue with him, just asking him if she had ever cheated on me. I got no response and then called out his honor. Got no response. Then I typed up a long message warning him about her behavior and explaining ways how she was already using him... But alas, realizing his dishonor, I never sent that last message. Even if I did and he listened, this type of person would have a new victim quite soon. Just glad it's no longer me!

[@rahulrajbhoj]

Hey Brent, I can totally relate to you. I have just broken up with my BPD GF a few days ago and today is her birthday and still not wishing her. Because I know this can make her think I might come back or something like that. It's so liberating in many ways to leave a BPD partner. I was contemplating about texting her today because of B'day. But thank god I read your comment and not doing it now.

[@brentpatterson218]

Rahul Rajbhoj Glad you read this . Don’t do it. Stay strong . They are black widows hoping to draw you in to feed. One thing you should do is go look at some of the KZbin channels about bpd recovery from people with bpd. You will see many comments of entitled bpds who actually mock their partners for being their “victims”. Even these “recovering bpds “ can’t be criticized and can’t hear complaints . I hope some bpds are actually able to be helped but if you’re dealing with one who does not even see they have a major problem, seriously view them as a vampire because that’s how they act. Yes it’s sad because borderlines seem to genuinely be out of control and can’t help it but you have to protect yourself ... also don’t worry dude. With enough distance you’ll probably actually see that it seems more conscious than they let on. As I said in the post, my ex is using her new supply to get back at me. Pure evil. The guy thinks he is some stud who rescued her from me. Just as I thought when I first got with her ! She called me her god and thanked me for saving her from her previous relationship which she described was leading her into a cult ! They have no responsibility and are chasing guys who will lead them into a new world of drama where they can play princess victim ... follow me @thebrentpill on ig to Stay in touch . Stay strong

[@duderanch18237]

Better just to leave it be dude. I'm glad you did. No use stooping to their level. Even warning the other guy is a waste. Let her live her life of chaos and pity her. I look back at my ex and it's just a tragedy. She had some periods of being such a beautiful person, inside and out. I would've tried to work through her issues with her too. She told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her and that she couldn't live without me, and then she dumped me. Being with me terrified her. It's heartbreaking. I'll always love her, and just recently I had to go no contact. She wouldn't leave me alone - and I don't mean in an effort to "fix" us. She used me as an emotional crutch and went out of her way to make me jealous and hurt me. Then she started asking for money. Probably a last ditch attempt to force me to maintain contact as she would put off paying me back over and over. Told her to keep the money, that I loved her, and to have a good life. Probably broke her heart as much as it broke mine. The childhood she had was awful. I pray that one day she finds the peace and happiness any neurotypical person would deserve.

[@2126Eliza]

You both sound ridiculously dramatic. Remember you attracted her for a reason!

[@duderanch18237]

2126Eliza nice constructive rebuttal.