3 Phases of Borderline’s Rollercoaster

[@legeneralalexander6618]

My ex never specifically told me she had BPD, but this description is exactly how our relationship evolved. I ended things after 2.5 years as I felt we never reached true intimacy. She regularly complained about this, but was all the while the one pulling away, doing a Jekyll and Hyde routine. I began feeling safer and safer by disengaging from her drama. One day I decided I was done. I felt the relationship had become transactional. From the video, I would say it fortunately ended before phase 3. The breakup was a messy emotional, crying and screaming affair. The idea of us crossing paths scares me. But I am not angry towards her. I know she is suffering and wish her the best. BPD sucks. Why I didn't pay heed to the red flags baffles me. It was there literally from day 1 : "once you find out what I'm really like, you are going to abandon me like everyone else did". She waved it right in my face and I didn't see it.

[@kimberlymorrison4880]

My life in a few minutes. When I finally said "no more verbal abuse, pornography, flirting" and stepped back, he became more aggressive. We have been apart for about 3 weeks and he's already moved on to someone else. It is heartbreaking to me but now I know that I'm NOT crazy.

[@christinak5946]

I'm sure mine has moved on too...they are hypersexual and become promiscuous as I have recently learned. I never have had an encounter like this before. I thought it was soulmate material in the start. It has been like a huge brick falling on my head and feels like everything was one big lie and manipulation. Heartbroken but eerily sobering.

[@DebraRead]

Yes, we victims have the same experiences & feelings. You are not alone. Leaving narcissist nuts is the resolution. Luckily I recognized the red flags before getting in too deep. But loved him, realize he cannot be different. No contact is essential. They're like aliens, a different species. We must get out stay out, move on where it is peaceful & normal. They are another planet we don't survive on.

[@HarryJoiner]

2:47 - confuses intimacy w/ security 5:20 - beauty / irresistibility 5:53 - cult like connection 6:24 - external regulation 6:59 - exportation of chaos 7:54 - contagion / amplification 8:44 - the setup 9:37 - partner “catches” disregulation 10:23 - phase II begins … 11:45 - abandonment sews more chaos 12:56 - abandonment anxiety / acting out 14:19 - phase II summary 17:14 - watering dead plants, OR … 17:54 - escape / isolation 18:16 - happens all the time 19:48 - you’re not building anything

[@cryptoknight4746]

2 years ago, I was in a relationship of 5 years with a BPD. After I set boundaries because my mental health spiraling out of control she hit me with a final discard and tried to have me arrested for the SA to get back at me. I almost self deleted, but content like this help me understand that while I still am at fault for my own decisions, that relationship was extremely damaging. There's insight I have because of the Professor and I thank you.

[@Priya_B]

Its really important to set boundaries as we work better with boundaries - even when we dont like them at first- we need to know and to feel safe within that. It wasnt your fault and you are taking responsibility for staying, good for you. I know these relationships are damaging and I hope it hasnt continued to affect your self esteem/mental health and you continue to heal and not blame yourself for someone elses actions towards you.

[@Priya_B]

@@lydiakbryant Hi! 😊 as long as this is genuine, Im more than happy to share how I got access to resources and services to get help - especially if it helps others on both sides. Im not sure if its safe to leave your email on here though, surely?

[@michaelking4578]

When I set boundaries that seemed to kick off the final discard.

[@jackthere]

SAME

[@rambojohb8562]

@@Priya_B false

[@catbishop206]

All this time, I thought I was dealing with a Covert Narc. But your well detailed description of the paranoia these people have, as well as the phases they switch through, not to mention the "emotional sponge" really hit the nail on the head. I remember always feeling so confused by so many of their behaviors, bc none of it made any SENSE. It's not normal, that's why! I was so busy trying to work through whatever bizarre phase had just happened, I couldn't see what was coming next until I was STUCK. I never had a relationship go from such idealism to dumped into the trash so quickly. Wish I could go back in time and tell myself to RUN. So if you get this in time, "run! "

[@michaelking4578]

Totally agree.

[@clv603]

Not only did it not make any sense, but the disproportionate level of anger I witnessed from mine was eerily disturbing. The "infant" stage of disregulation is no joke. I've never seen a grown woman or man sulk like a toddler before. For me, it progressed to the point where I wouldn't react to nothing anymore. I remember near the end a particular night we were going to bed and she decided that was a good time to tell me about a colleague at work hitting on her, and how she could go get anyone she wanted. I was so numb and exhausted from proximity, I think I just said "that'll be the day" and passed out. It was depressing at the time, but since a couple of years I can't help but laugh at some of the absurdity. Run, indeed.

[@martyc2637]

I can relate exactly. The level of anger out of the blue is chilling

[@ghostplaymakers3681]

Wow… same

[@Chez8922-kf6cy]

This pwBorderline agrees. Run. There is no winning solution. We only bring others down.

[@lotusrosemassagetherapy8134]

If you have a partner with BPD and you love them, try holding them in a bear hug when they are losing it. I have a wonderful husband who does this and it helps tremendously. Also, not engaging in anger with me (I know that can be hard) and cracking a joke helps me get out of this chronic negative feedback loop. For the parents who are grateful their children with BPD have distanced themselves...this comes from childhood trauma...so try and take a look at yourself and take some accountability for how your children function as adults.

[@lotusrosemassagetherapy8134]

@@Kopefulfill it's not an everyday occurrence. Sounds like you have had some terrible experiences with BPD maybe with a partner. I hope you find someone normal to love. I do wish I were "normal" as well.

[@CynthiaTyrell]

Thank you for your comment.It is interesting how different people with BPD are when they have the same identifiable traits.When I am experiencing the terrifying fear that I'm going to be abandoned by my partner,it is too late to hug me,talk to me calmly,or attempt a joke.I need to go inward to bring myself back to reality.Anything coming from the outside is interfering with that and it makes me violent.

[@michaelking4578]

That worked sometimes with my ex. Other times it didn't.

[@carloscastro3178]

They used that to get a restraining order and came back 3 days after I agreed to it thinking it was over.

[@tonyahunt1126]

@@CynthiaTyrell when you go inward, as you speak, does that apply in a committed relationship or after a breakup. I have a BPD partner who broke up with me a week ago but that claims to love me deeply. He is under an enormous amount of life stressors that I feel contributed to this as I was an absolute saint in this relationship supporting him. He said he wants to remain friends but is giving me the silent treatment. He has responded to a very generic text wishing his son well. I am just wondering what the likelihood is that he will come back when things have calmed down. He is not the type that is mean, cheats or any of the bad traits that people speak of. His behavior does not seem intentional but it is manipulation nonetheless and still hurts. I would be interested if he does in seeing if he will seek treatment but not sure how to approach that.

[@CynthiaTyrell]

I am a severe borderline who had a 6 year relationship with a seasoned covert narcissist.The videos are on point and help me understand the dynamics of our relationship.

[@1VL6_]

Unless you can find another borderline, stay single. I'm going to search for another borderline who can grow and understand w me. The only other option is being abused by narcissist bc they are the only partners who will accept us

[@anatubic1487]

​@@1VL6_ NAH, I will stay single 😅

[@ririimari]

It is completely mind blowing that my personality is so pathological. I am a bit more high functioning and much more self aware as an almost 40 year old married woman, now. I work on myself. But much of my life has been afflicted by this. I do think that I ended up this way by having a mother who is very high in the narcissist spectrum. Yes, it's a buzz word these days, but my mother is the epitome of NPD in its extreme form.

[@garrusv]

Currently divorcing after 10 years of this. You explained the phases perfectly, and it all ended with the destructive promiscuity (with one of her coworkers at work). I had zero vocabulary for what I was experiencing until now. Thank you 🙏

[@SootSootSootSooty]

Sorry to hear about your situation. You will feel better in time, even though right now it’s horrible. Getting people like that out of your life will make you feel like you can breathe again.

[@smittywerbenjagermanjensen9546]

The abuse escalates with untreated borderline. I have gone back many times because we share a child and that bond caused me to linger in hope of change for our child’s sake, but any form of attachment to a borderline is a trap. Things never get better because each time a return to attempt of reconciliation is made they escalate their abuse. I was involved for 3 years. Finally reached my limit when they attempted to swerve my car into oncoming traffic by grabbing the wheel in the midst of a verbal argument. I also got punched for the first time. I do fear that if I continued to go back and forgive him that I will end up dead, or even worse my children would be harmed. Borderline is no joke. I have compassion for them but their emotional disturbance and impulsive behaviour can be so dangerous… please if you are involved with a BPD, get out while you can.

[@HahaT634]

Mine caused an accident and it’s after years of seeing similar comments to yours that I came to realise that I was gaslighted to believe it was an accident. He changed lanes without looking and crashed into the left lane . Blamed it on the other vehicle but he still got 50% of the blame in insurance . Thank God no one got hurt. Bpd are psychopaths and no joke to live with. The hardest part is realising they can go great lengths to create conflict, drama and put the lives of others at risk

[@flowerpower2726]

Meltdowns while they were behind the wheel were the scariest. My ex lost it a few times, screamed at the top her lungs, hit the steering wheel, sometimes hit herself in the head, and screamed “I’m gonna crash this fucking car!”

[@VideosVonDennis]

did she break up usually? what was the longest discard of her and did she even came back after you thought all bridges were burned?

[@Linda-jl5lx]

I am so sorry for what you went trough. I have BPD and i have been with my partner for 14 years, but I never hit or hurt him like that. I started treatment a couple years ago and expected to meet 8 people with BPD as a "copy" of me.. but they were all different. It's so sad that some of them are this abusive. After I started treatment i am better at communication, but I still have a way to go. I hope, for the sake of your child, that your ex has gotten treatment because it does help

[@rachhhh9722]

My ex did similar except he pulled on the handbrake while I was driving causing me to lose control and veer into oncoming traffic. It's scary that they can do things like that and not even care

[@feyza9191]

Prof Vaknin the way you tell the truth is like a scalpel wound. it hurts but at least there is no inflammation and less scarring

[@Mr11259]

Right on !

[@Priya_B]

As someone with BPD- I agree!

[@p.m.williams3142]

YES

[@PhillipMasters-bd7ci]

Prof. Sa, Vaknin - This video explains exactly what happened to me: Step 1. we merged, Step 2. I started to see how her toxic behavior was impacting my mental health so I started distancing myself, Step 3. A week later, I saw my intimate borderline partner posting a video in a bathtub at another mans house, and I screenshotted the video, and her eyes and behavior looked like a psychopath, if you ever want to interview me, I remember every detail of all 3 phases, it's incredible how accurate you are, you have helped me restore my self love, and restore my self confidence as a man

[@Aussiegirl166]

As someone who has bpd it’s hurtful to read these comments. We aren’t monsters. I’m 24 and realised on my own and went looking for answers/help. Everyday since I realised I have bpd I have sort to get better and heal. I deeply love and care. I have dealt with others with bpd and I get it. It’s not easy to deal with us. But we didn’t asked for this. Not everyone with bpd is a monster. I want to get better. I don’t like hurting others. I don’t like being like this. Just because you have had a bad experience with someone with borderline doesn’t mean we are all irredeemable and evil.

[@MsLoila]

Yes, i truly understand what you are saying. I went to a therapist on my own too. Yes, and it took a lot of soul-searching and habits and what not to get "functional" and take responsibility for my life.

[@rov3rPL]

If the comments hurt you, then don't read them. 'hating being bpd' doesn't help either. It's just a phase of rollercoaster.

[@Kyamepriya]

Yes tryna scroll the comment and finally found this one😢 what can i say..i think some of bpd are just very emotional people. We don't like to get hurt and avoid hurting others. We like to show love and affection but we always crave those back. Who doesn't want to be loved, right? I have such a paranoia reaction to many things that trigger me emotionally. I'm very sensitive to what ppl say and act towards me. Im a quiet bpd type plus very introvert. I feel exhausted if ppl want from me too much but i don't get back, i'll disappear sometimes to boost my energy. I really care what ppl think of me so i always want to be the best for others. Sometimes i try to hide it and control not to react but ppl think i'm cold and distant giving them silence.

[@Priya_B]

I am diagnosed with BPD too and I think for most of us our behaviours for sure can be explained and I am grateful prof Vaknin is doing so; however- I think sometimes when ppl have relationships with us- they dont realise we dont do these things intentionally, arent aware of them, are not pre-planned etc. They also might not realise there are a lot of borderline types. I think for a lot of ppl on here who have experiences with ppl with BPD appreciate prof Vaknin’s words because it helps them understand their pain better?

[@aalves9453]

People who decide to get involved with an untreated pwBPD, have unresolved issues of their own.

[@Monomythamplification]

This is 100% spot on, I broke up with mine 8 months in only to be hoovered back for another round where she tried to baby trap me, didn’t happen, thanks guardian angels.

[@smilersmiling]

The baby trapping was something my ex regarded as despicable based on her brothers ex girlfriend trying that. I then found out my ex had been trying this for a number of years herself. The ultimate double standard and you soon feel the gravity of the real toxic borderline that hangs behind the mask and the complete fraud that has zero integrity in their pursuit of being loved

[@liloosegoose]

I am a woman who just got diagnosed with BPD this year and I am 30. I have never dated and have had 2 sexual encounters. I am scared to try at my age and find it very difficult to talk to men. Watching this video has made me more determined to stay a recluse in case I end up ruining someone's life.

[@aqualocks1111]

You should not stay alone because you think you are permanently damaged. You are not. Seek help, specifically DBT, or do the worksheets yourself if you cannot afford it and you should be able to reach a point of being able to regulate yourself healthily . Then date. You will get through this

[@DSWH072869]

@lilnutter19 Borderline Personality Disorder is 100% treatable. Accept and move forward with the therapies and no longer be diagnosable with borderline personality disorder. Prof. Sam Vaknin is explaining information accurately, but that does not mean you are not treatable.

[@Priya_B]

As a married woman in a long term marriage aged 37 and having only 2 rships, I was diagnosed in my late 20s. I thought the same way as you all my life. It takes consistent time and effort and sometimes I have the same sentiment as you still, to be reclusive, however as the others have pointed out in this comment section-you should not stay alone because you are not permanently damaged, this is treatable and you matter just as much as anybody else despite the trauma that caused this condition. It takes consistent Effort not to abandon yourself, help yourself with maladaptive behaviours and also parent yourself through the abandonment that is perceived, that we are so desperately trying to avoid. Also please do not read ALL other commentators on KZbin as a reason as to why you should live your life a certain way. After all, they are not diagnosing you or trained to, Seek the help of trauma based approach mental health professionals/personality disorder services Cluster B personality disorders can appear the same sometimes, and a lot of the comments I’m reading from people on here seem to be similar to actions of narcissistic personality disorder. For example someone has mentioned that their daughter stole their House, I would never steal somebody’s house - let alone my parents, No matter how abusive they were-but I know a diagnosed narcissist could and would -I happen to know a situation such as this in my personal life. That’s why I think KZbin comments are dangerous and please do not dictate your life from nonprofessionals advice, please don’t give up on yourself.

[@sebastiencomeau3520]

good comment, thanks@@Priya_B

[@rockwithroxanne6696]

Look up “integrate” with Ashley Zahabian. There’s a whole community of BPD people in her program to connect with and learn with.

[@carlbinsted6307]

Bingo! Been there, done that! Professor Vaknin, thank you so much for doing what you do. It really helps me to keep moving forward.

[@twinpeetzmoolsaasa854]

Borderlines are very intense but i have to say there is something wonderful still happening there it's the emotional disregulation that becomes too intense for me, i'm sure when healthy or regulated borderlines can be some of the most wonderful people. Borderlines if helped i think can be beautiful people, i find it less insensitive than npd, as i believe and have learned through you and many experts, emotions are the path to healing :) i'm very glad to hear that. It's very true the cicle, also the narrative.

[@ricardoandresfernandezgarcia]

this is true.

[@pitbullash]

​@@Ibeautybee-em7osits a permanent brain disorder so what do you think ? Of course you can learn to hide/lower your bad symtoms but at the end of the day you are still diagnosed with BPD im afraid! 😒

[@khrystynachorna4749]

@@Ibeautybee-em7os yes, most do.

[@msmb4980]

This is exactly what I'm doing in my relationships. I never realised before this video what the whole circle is. Thank you Sam ♥️

[@MrJameswingham]

You're chilling, both in your present location and in your accuracy. Thank you...

[@michelleriley7983]

♥️Cat ladies of Yore. ☠️😆🚬 I listen to you throughout the week when Im cleaning and sometimes when I workout. I appreciate your insights so much Mister Sam. Been with you for about three years. You've helped me through a very dark , lonely and frightening time in my life.

[@sklavinian]

The fact I frequently listen to your videos and out loud to no one start saying "yep....yep......yep......oh yeah......" means you have effectively spied on me and my relationship with my Borderline partner of 10+ years from infatuation to discard as your template model :)

[@MalloryJay95]

He's a diagnosed psychopathic narcissistic...

[@brookesfriend8359]

When I was in my 20's someone I did a lot of good work with started me with the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy workbooks. I was going to college at the time and majoring in psychology. I learned those books were to deal with people with BPD and I was partially offended that she thought I was crazy and somewhat relieved that I could put like a name with a face. It helped me understand why I did maladaptive things that I did and still do. I'm 50 years old now and I've never been married, don't have kids, and just decided for other people's benefit that I would keep myself to myself. I judge people that know that there's something wrong with them but actively seek out relationship after relationship after relationship. I don't get it.

[@louise2091]

People need People. You are the exception.

[@rambojohb8562]

@@louise2091 people needs drugs

[@Priya_B]

As someone diagnosed with BPD; I find Professor’s Vaknin’s views very insightful and mostly agree with and its really refreshing to watch him objectively. I havent experienced what he explains at 5 minutes and 19’seconds in, though- i find I think of myself as the opposite- which is why I self sabotage and run Away from the intimacy as he describes.

[@Priya_B]

@@yellowfruitchocker9879 I have been diagnosed with both. So maybe? To be honest I’ve only sought treatment for the BPD from the personality disorder services in my area with intensive psychotherapy over a long period of time, Im not sure there is services for CPTSD in my area, but it’s worth having a look at, thank you pointing this out.

[@dantron7073]

Pretty spot-on to my experience with a borderline.. So glad I got out.. I enjoy my peace and sanity..

[@bouytb]

This is the only content, speech, video that explains exactly my situation, I was doubting myself constantly between analyzing and overthinking, but this right here is exactly what I went through, she texted me after 20 days being ghosted, a text as if we are still together how delusional, "hi do you have time to call, would he nice for a closure... "

[@pariss1445]

What happened after she texted you? Would be interesting to know. My ex BPD left a week ago.

[@bouytb]

​@@pariss1445 I hope you are now doing well without that person, nothing happened I just left forever

[@zxratd]

This is 100% right on point with my experience. Excellent work Dr. Vaknin.

[@mudgejohnson]

I love your humor, brother Thanks for making my day

[@iannobre5538]

Thank you for your content. This change my life and i believed the lives of many people who lived in relationship with this type of person. Thank you Vaknin!

[@marilia0806]

"Have fun with your borderlines, kiddos" Hilarious end line! LOL Great video! It felt just like he had seen all of my relationship with my pwBPD. Thank you so much for such an eye opening video

[@juliahewett7362]

I know you. You have helped me imencely. You are the best of all I have heard on the topics of ptsd, etc. Never stopp making content.

[@kater2k]

This is so accurate and have seen so many memories passing through me when you went over the three phases. I am only now at 36 discovering this about me. I've researched BPD for many years and I would love to finally be able to have a proper diagnosis. Just the realization itself has led me to finally understand myself and finally be able to move forward for the better. Thank you,

[@theharringtons2010]

As a self aware borderline this is so spot on...

[@donnaradburn2206]

Finding difficult to concentrate in the absence of the candelabra with the off balance candles

[@Mr11259]

Dear Professor, I had 13 years with a borderline woman with a life that you described in the cycles. One Big Question: All the things we did, all that we view together, all the beautiful things we liked in our lives, all the trips around the world. Was it not satisfaing/ did it make anything good for her soul ? If she not choose Me for how I look or who I am , was the "fantasy"/life-experience together something she still would have enjoyed ? She was so happy and pure when not angry and controlling . Ps ofcourse she had a new partner two months before she ended our relationship. And he is so special what I can understand. Looking forward for your answer, David in Sweden

[@AuggieX1]

Great question. I was in a marriage for 3 years when I discovered she had BPD. Whatever I did for her- it was not enough.

[@AuggieX1]

@@FeminineLogos LUCKILY-- she found my replacement ASAP. We had no kids together so, this was easier for Me.

[@DSWH072869]

@David S Those with borderline personality disorder suffer from DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and will experience gaps in memory of everyday events, personal information and trauma.

[@DSWH072869]

@@AuggieX1 For any untreated person with borderline personality disorder anything and everything is NEVER enough. BPD is 100% treatable, but they have to be willing to accept the therapy.

[@cynthiawalker5620]

I listened to this with awe. This 3 part cycle is EXACTLY what has been happening with my adult daughter who left her husband 4 years ago and talked me into selling my home and buying a house big enough for her and (when she had them every other week) her 4 children ages 2, 4, 6 and 8. Her conduct progressed as you have described it and my awakening and (finally) boundary setting resulted in the downward spiral and behaviour you describe. After 20 months I sat down and told her it wasn’t healthy for either of us (or the children) to continue living together and she rented a house (paid for by her ex). That lasted a year during which time I was in despair for my grandchildren. Their dad was sent overseas for 5 months and because of her bizarre parenting, money handling, sporadic employment, sexual promiscuity and general inability to function normally, my husband and I had the kids here with us much of the time AT HER REQUEST/DEMAND. Then in the summer she gave full custody to the dad (with whom thank god we have a good, solid relationship) and moved to the west coast to ‘start making her dreams come true’. She hasn’t spoken to me since. So I feel you don’t need to only be, as you say, an intimate partner, to be at the mercy of these troubled, inexplicable and difficult people. I love my daughter and pray for her happiness … but in a way it’s been a blessing she left us, horrible as that is to say. I know the anxiety, worry, chaos, unpredictable confrontational atmosphere and actual hate spewed at me was leading to some concerning health issues for me. Anyway, thank you 🙏 for putting this process into clear focus. It’s helped me enormously.

[@DSWH072869]

@Cynthia Walker You are one of the few parents I have seen write about their experiences. All of your truths resonate within myself. From within my own family to assisting other families that have BPD children including comorbidity. Continue to stay healthy by remaining faithful to yourself first.

[@cynthiawalker5620]

@@DSWH072869 Thank you for your kind words. 🙏

[@olessyasmarsa2422]

Nicely put words. I wonder what made you raise her into a BPD?

[@cynthiawalker5620]

@@olessyasmarsa2422 Can I infer from your comment that it’s your opinion that I had a significant part in her developing mental health/behavioural concerns? You may be right. If so that grieves me. I love my children. I want optimal health and function for them. I always have. I’ve thought deeply about my parenting and sought counselling to learn & understand the impact of my own woundology. It saddens me beyond words that it’s all too little too late.

[@DevoidVoid]

​​@@cynthiawalker5620 appreciate hearing this comment atleast. You can acknowledge this and thats a lot more then most parents honestly. Glad you went through with the self reflection. Damage done doesnt mean it cant be fixed, just its on her now i guess to do the work. Its not impossible to have a relationship again if everything works out for you two. Im hoping for the same before my parents die or i do.

[@johnbraun814]

It is striking how any moment could be so dangerous and the violence and tirades that ensured after some percieved threat (that I had to endlessly defend did not happen). Any trigger, a phone message, an attractive news anchor, ALEXA app, someone walking across the street, and advertisement could trigger endless anger and accusations. It was so scary. I had to cancel my phone, lost my job, and found myself literally in my bedroom in a fetal position, not trigger her.

[@aalves9453]

I maintain that you must have unresolved issues of your own even to entertain the thought of involving yourself romantically with a pwBPD. A healthy person doesn't ignore the multitude of redflags waived beneath your nose from minute one. The disordered stick around demanding more. The healthy gracefully stay away while the predators hit it and quit it. Also the pwBPD selects the wrong romantic partners, knowing the relationship will fail, and thus allowing them to continue to justify their misbehaviors.

[@missbcritiques9209]

Omg sadly this is so true! The “ones” who stuck around..DEFINITELY HAD ISSUES TO..personally I believe NARCISSISM AND BPD ETC…but of course IM THE CRAZY ONE..yet they stick around..kept coming back..even after all the drama and Coas..they definitely had their own issues 🤦🏽‍♀️😩🤷🏽‍♀️

[@DSWH072869]

@A Alves Emotional Predators ruthlessly use others to get what they want. You are correct.

[@leo-rp1ps]

person with bpd here in a beautiful loving relationship! it’s possible you guys are just close minded 🫶🏻

[@aalves9453]

@@leo-rp1ps Self aware and in treatment then perhaps a loving relationship is possible if both partners are mature and have learned from past experiences. The problem is that most men who get involved don't even know what a personality disorder is and get involved with pwBPD who are possibly unaware and not in treatment. Hence the perfect storm of red flags being waved and a partner who can't see them or chooses to ignore them. Then you have the other extreme where predators look for red flags for sexual gain, wanting nothing else from a pwBPD. Somewhere in the middle you have those who know how to spot trouble and more importantly how to gracefully stay away.

[@leo-rp1ps]

@@aalves9453 i feel like if we had more easy access to mental health resources, it would be easier to connect with ppl w BPD. not to mention it would be easier to get treatment as a person with bpd. i’m lucky that i have the support systems and access to mental healthcare, that i need to help my illness, but not everyone is so lucky. which is why it feels unfair to brand everyone with bpd as an abuser and a cheater who doesn’t want to change cuz there’s a lot of people who do, but just don’t have the resources or support. i think we also need to start being more open with our bpd and the symptoms we experience and how to combat them, that way whenever issues arise in my relationship we’re able to understand where it’s coming from and why and how to go about it! we have a long way to go but it possible for ppl like me and ppl with personality disorders to heal and get better, we just need better resources and more understanding

[@anisasiena3834]

My last relationship was definitely like this (I was 18-21), I’ve now been single for 3 years because I didn’t like the way I felt and behaved in that relationship, it was a process of self-reflection and being honest with myself to realise where I was responsible. I felt so unstable and I was mean and manipulative in that relationship and even before it. I genuinely feel I’m not like this anymore because I’ve come to understand myself very well. But I don’t know how I can truly know while I’m single, I am now quite scared of intimacy and commitment. Listening to these videos takes me back to the way I used to think and helps me better understand myself. While I don’t think I have/had BPD, I definitely had a lot of the traits and thinking patterns you have described! Thanks.

[@anisasiena3834]

I’d like to experience a healthy love one day, but don’t think I’m able to experience that until I’ve cultivated a healthy inner environment. I feel I’ve done this mostly! I don’t lie, I’m kind, I trust myself, I don’t manipulate others, and I am emotionally stable. I understand myself very well, I also understand and can read others very well and choose to be compassionate and honest. Being in a relationship when you have abandonment issues is a mess, I don’t want to experience that again.

[@DevoidVoid]

Male here. Waited 5 years in isolation and avoiding peep. Seemed much better after 3, but the other 2 were quite terrible and wanted a relationship/sex to feel wanted. It was absolutely a trainwreck 😂 My only real concern for you is that. Its like passing over the hill, only to be thrown back to the other side and slowly come back over again and be like, that's literallt horrific. Id argue therapg and meds are needed and a full diagnosis from a psychiatrist if you can get one. Atleast do some DBT workbooks/worksheets if you can.

[@michaelking4578]

This is freakishly accurate to my own experience with a BPD.

[@Feef_von_Smoomsheym]

Damn. This is 100% spot on. Been through literally everything you talk about in this video. Every single step, once, twice, all over again. Every time the cycle speeds up, pulling you deeper and deeper into her chaos. RUN as long as you can escape this vortex.

[@maximocozzetti900]

Finding your channel is as clarifying as painful. I have a daughter with her and even with extreme abuse I truly do not want to leave her..

[@tsg74074]

Sam, Thank you for you’re constant informative content

[@snakedogboxing2455]

This is terrible. I wish I hadn't found out I have this. Because I was in a place where i had made myself invincible to criticism and am better than everyone. Sure secretly I hated myself and felt I deserved to die. But now I'm trying to get better and no one in my life wants to be vulnerable and now I can barely function at work. The hardest part is if i try to be quiet and in control everyone gets upset with me because ive stopped reflecting an idealized version of them. It turns into a chorus of be yourself. To which i reply what does that look like????

[@invisible9455]

You are one the right way. Get e therapist who knows what he does. Healing that childhood trauma is the only way

[@sithlord926]

Just broke up with a borderline she was exactly how he describes. Good thing I never let her move in with me. I think at some point later down the line she would've tried to kill me simply because she loved watching documentaries on violent women committing horrific crimes against their lovers (mostly men). I'm just happy that I was able to escape her clutches.

[@ars7655]

wow it's just like my story...she also liked crime story videos (its like the first out of only 2 things she would watch on youtube) and i never felt like i'm ready to live under the same roof with her, until the final discard something deep inside was saying to me "stop, don't get too involved she's not a type of person to make a family with". If not the final discard maybe i'd end up in jail or in a cemetery, thanks universe and our disorders for ending it this way.

[@pariss1445]

Dude this sounds really dangerous, keep away at all costs.

[@yesyoga]

Wow! Awesome and SO TRUE! I’ve been blind all my life…

[@stevennelson2055]

9 years. 3 month disenchanted, I thought phase 2 was bad… phase 3 is a real trip 😢 this is spot on. We’ve gone through the cycles a few times before, have two kids now, once I noticed the affects on my kids and that I was completely destroyed, the disenchantment became permanent. I moved out, started therapy again and have been assertively sticking to my boundaries, she can not handle it. Weekly melt downs in attempt to get me to return. I will not comply. I’m reassured every time when she inevitably turns to villainising, right after attempting to Hoover me with all the things I wanted for years, it has little to no affect anymore.

[@survivor-zk8mq]

I'm still trying to figure her out this sounds a lot like her but her insecurities were off the wall. Constantly accusing me of cheating I mean every single day getting mad over absolutely nothing I mean as petty as buttering toast the wrong way. I mean screaming and yelling calling me down it was horrible.

[@cecillekinnear4585]

That's how my mother behaved. Hard to stay sane. All the best in dealing with thus nightmare.

[@DevoidVoid]

Male here. Lots of the same, but it was tappered a bit due to how badly i could act, its much more trying to supress and act out in other ways. Paranoia is so bad it borders on psychosis. So shes imagining you cheating on her due to her own past relationships of people doing so, you giving signs of emotionally cheating, or just you again, finding equilibrium away from her in her mind is you finding other partners. Again its extremely delusional almost. Because of the mirroring, hypervigilance, and observing of you, shes hyper tuned to you changing in any way. This is read as you cheating on her potentially. Coupd also be projecying her cheating like my own parents awful dynamics. Eother way she needs help

[@missrabbit777]

Brilliant ,thanks Sam !

[@pappaprosjektet]

Thank you Sam❤

[@deaddirt1168]

I thought mine would hoover but 3 months after we split she is already married to "the best thing that's ever happened to her" I got a follow request from her business request 2 weeks before her marriage. I guess she thought it would hurt me somehow. She is his problem now. Thank you next.

[@ninonthomas2926]

You made me laugh at the end. Thank you for that and the rest. Interresting!

[@CynthiaTyrell]

As a woman with BPD , I' am LMFAO! I agree with the 3 phases of a borderline in relationships.The terminology Sam is using in this video has a sting of personal experience to it.More than one borderline has disregulated his self love.

[@truegemrn]

When someone incorporated their partner’s hobbies into her life, is that one symptom of BPD? I have a friend who, every new guy she meets, she engulfs herself in his hobby, be it nascar racing, bodysurfing, religion, reading the classics, anything.

[@aalves9453]

From my experience, I believe it is. The pwBPD will become whatever they believe their partner is looking for, hence the mirroring. A sudden interest in an obscure hobby, or taste of music or perhaps finding books or any objects related to interests they never brought up before is usually an indicator that the pwBPD has begun idealizing someone new ... or from the past.

[@truegemrn]

@@aalves9453 thanks!

[@YEVHEN7]

Great insight as always, Professor!!!

[@felixando7492]

What seems to have a very calming effect on my female partner since 2.5 years who suffers from BPD, is cannabis. When she smokes it, even in small doses, it reduces greatly the likelihood of her switching into an ‘Episode’. In that sense I don’t see it as substance abuse but as simply the most effective medication. The THC or CBD or both contained in the substance appear to relax all her mental tensions. Also it seems to allow herself to switch back into her normal, logical personality when she smokes it while having one of these destructive episodes. From one moment where she tells me that she wants me dead she switches back to being a sweet and supportive female being. However, yes, she has a tendency sometimes to overdo it and be in a hazy state the whole day. I myself do not use this substance and this post is not intended to promote the consumption of cannabis which is illegal in many countries.

[@toninaude1552]

Describes my ex exactly 😮

[@defidemon1763]

Mine would mix alcohol and weed and then start abusing me verbally. She always took it to the extreme with both substances

[@angelwall97]

I have bpd and found Cannabis to me extremely helpful

[@Torriotorres]

Your the man Sam! You helped me save my relationship!

[@SuMMeRFLi5]

I'd be interested in your in-depth take on the decay of society due to narcissistic incline. Love hearing your voice on these matters (your accent is also alluring).

[@cecillekinnear4585]

What happens to the person afflicted with borderline personality traits when her rock dies. Please could you consider this as a topic Sam as your videos are almost prophetic so searingly accurate it gives me goosebumps. Thanks. you

[@quierovermitubo]

These borderlines may not be monsters but they act like one, people have the right to live in peace and harmony, I love these borderlines as human beings but from far far away

[@johnbraun814]

I was lucky to escape a BPD relationship. She would have taken everything, even my life. She was extraordinarly beautiful and this was so dangerous.

[@shaanchaudhry5719]

Did you leave or did she discard you for someone else?

[@johnbraun814]

@@shaanchaudhry5719 I had to leave. no choice, she would have willingly destroyed us both.

[@frankpasquale4935]

What happens after a borderline has a baby…. Does she still idealize the intimate partner….. or is the baby now idealized?? Or both?

[@Linda-jl5lx]

I have BPD and ive been with my partner for 14 Years. Sometimes i yearn for something else, but I never act on it. Why ruin a relationship for a few months of excitement with someone...

[@michaelgadsby]

This eerily describes me.

[@leo__8836]

I learned verymuch, thank you!🙏🏼

[@shenwishes]

It's so incredibly sad to hear how self-destructive they are. I've dealt with a Borderline woman and you are spot-on

[@jnavy1999]

It's like they punish people for daring to love them

[@Jim93905]

If the BPD has a grandiose image of herself, why is she so insecure and threatened by fear of abandonment?

[@samvaknin]

Because, like the narcissist, the grandiosity is compensatory, fake.

[@Jim93905]

@@samvaknin I knew nothing about cluster b, but what I experienced, like imagined abandonment, idealization and splitting was what I experienced. I am hoping to deal with what appears to be codependent traits in me. Otherwise, why did I put up with her acting out like public shaming and unreasonable accusations. It was all horrible but it was real.

[@beslinddemi2347]

Sir you are a genius

[@MariaMiron21]

That's me and I didn't know it untill now.I didn't do all of this on purpose...I'm sorry and I hope to heal. I'm trying to.

[@LunaHusky805]

Is there a way to help regulate, without becoming disregulated?

[@thejeffreytinsley]

Sad to say, but he nailed it.

[@violalesna381]

Dear Professor, could you some day dedicate one of your films to a relationship between a borderline and a psychopath, please? And one more question that has been tormenting my mind ;) You say that in the vast majority of cases BPD disappears after the age of 40. But is it possible that even if it seems to have disappeared, it can come back again? For example after a traumatic relationship with a psycho (I would like to stress that I mean a real factor one psychopath not an NPD). Thank you for every bit of your knowledge that you share with us.

[@alycewarr5332]

This describes my daughter in law’s ( borderline ) relationship with my son. From the beginning it was exactly like this and we can’t figure out why he would sink so quickly into this relationship and stay with her. They have no children, she uses all his money for herself ( trips and gorgeous clothes ) and she’s never worked. But he keeps defending her atrocious behavior towards everyone. I’m the current person she’s not allowing him to talk to. He does have military PTSD, so could that be the reason? Is he trying to save her? So in the 3rd phase, she convinced him to isolate with her, blocking out everyone else. Since I’ve been blocked out ( severe isolation ) I don’t know if she’s dropped into her promiscuous old self again. She always decided to be promiscuous in the last stage before. Instead of drugs and alcohol and promiscuous activities now she’s an extreme religious fanatic! Extreme! Last time I saw her she was memorizing the Bible and God was talking directly to her. I’m worried for my son.

[@randomnickname2254]

Does this cycle also happen in relationship with NPD? From your previous lectures I understand that bond between BPD and NPD is very difficult to break and they tend to reconcile time and time again. So does this cycle apply to relationship with healthy partner or also with NPD?

[@DSWH072869]

@Random Nickname Both with a healthy partner and someone with NPD.

[@RVSurf]

Thank you! It comes also with a huge costs of therapy to recover after . Would you have a topic on how they recrute their partners? How do they feel that you might fall in? Thanks again for your work !

[@bardalgol9235]

I have been in a situationship with someone for almost a year and I've experienced all this. over and over every 4-6 weeks. I don't know if she's borderline, narc, or psychopath but she's made me completely disregulated. Friends and family say I'm not even the same person I was a year ago

[@marinettecachin5931]

The Dolder Grand is a very expensive hotel At the top of the city of Zurich. In my country. 😮

[@mh0mz]

Yes. This is me. I need help. All my relationships are like this. I'm a black widow spider sucking in my prey.

[@ThatGirlMisty.Official]

Wow this is me and I’m not even diagnosed BPD 🤯

[@StormySapphireSkies]

No, Dr. That did not inject optimism into my borderline day!!! : P I love you by the way! Haha! Some of us actually try to get better and be better and stop the madness. I have faith someday I will be able to have some self regulating abilities. Have you figured out how to fix us yet?

[@samvaknin]

BPD has a very good prognosis: cause for optimism.

[@juligriffin2608]

I choose to leave my mind in the gutter lol

[@Aruena]

I’m in the cat lady phase 🙌

[@shawn4488]

Thank you, very helpful!

[@K.abby691]

What does the defense triggering and deployment look like between a borderline and a narcissist? How does one’s neglect trigger the other’s defense mechanisms? How does that, in turn, further the aggression of the other? They fuel each other’s fires to the point of an utterly destructive supernova, but what does this look like in terms of narcissistic and borderline abuse within the couple? What are the psychodynamics behind this positive-feedback loop straight out of hell? (Huge fan! Obligatory narcissistic supply will be provided soon!)

[@samvaknin]

Search the BPD playlist.

[@tryingnottobeafallenorforg4029]

the women see him balanced and sees herself crumbling then takes that as rejection this is very true the instant the rejection is felt they immediately leave mine went back to her parents

[@trekker3468]

Especially if there is a controlling narcistic parent involved.

[@Priya_B]

Really? In my previous relationship of 8 years prior to being diagnosed; when he was balanced and I was “crumbling” from his rejection repeatedly- I didnt leave- I begged to stay. Ah, maybe thats the codependency. Thats so interesting to me. Most BPD ppl I know beg to stay as we dont want to feel worthless from the perceived abandonment of rejection. Hmm, how interesting.

[@DSWH072869]

@@Priya_B "Ah, maybe thats the codependency." It is called trauma bonding. The codependency is a separate issue.

[@lukewaltersco]

Hi Sam, I asked this on a previous video - can someone have BPD with dormant NPD? I.e when they get badly triggered could they go into full blown NPD characteristics? Would be very interesting to hear your experience on this - thank you

[@aalves9453]

Secondary psychopathy self state, when there is perceived or real abandonment or rejection.

[@lukewaltersco]

@@aalves9453what I have observed is that this secondary self state is identical to how NPD is defined. I am not clear if someone can have both disorders simultaneously? I have seen people that meet criteria for both…

[@aalves9453]

@@lukewaltersco Yes its co-morbidity. Lots of videos on this channel about cluster b mishmash. Also many videos about cluster b being grouped into one disorder with people being diagnosed from moderate to severe manifestations of the disorder.

[@Jshdg0192]

Can you do a video on bpd and aspd comorbid?

[@samvaknin]

Search the comorbidities playlist.

[@TomLundy1]

BPD runs in my mom's side of the family, fortunately not my mom though. For decades I called BPDs conflict junkies. I only recently found out that the psychological term for conflict junkies is BPD. In many ways, BPDs shaped my adult life from my 20's on. I despise/d them and avoid/ed them like the plague, and for good reason. BPDs are despicable people that are incapable of having healthy intimate/ close relationships. Academia seems to think that fear of abandonment is the dominant characteristic of BPD. I disagree, it's rage. Fortunately evolution seems to be working its magic. BPDs have a life expectancy of 20 years less than their normal life expectancy. All that unused adrenaline that accompanies rage is brutal on the heart.

[@deenahjoseph6383]

great observations and very similar experiences here ... the rage is out of this world what kinds of interventions would have any even slight chance of making an impact?💧🙏🕊️

[@Ds4u2]

I agree. I doubt its the fear of abandonment, its more like they feel entitled to treating people like trash. Not that far from narcissism and psychopathy. After all, BPD belongs to cluster B group.

[@MD-xe5ky]

Thank you so much! It explained a lot to me😲 Now I know that I took the schizoid solution. Could you make maybe another video on how to get out of this schizoid solution or change it to something more agreeable?🙏

[@anavinkovic2746]

Is it possible that bordeline ever really love her partner? Or she always create new fantasies in which she loves him? What are signs that borderline is healing? Thank you for sharing your knowledge here.

[@samvaknin]

Watch the BPD playlist.

[@garrusv]

A borderline’s concept of love is different from what most define as real love (ie. mutual deep love and respect). So I guess the short answer is no, unless the borderline seeks treatment and is able to end the cycle described by Vaknin’s three stages.

[@NS-no5yw]

We will love to have your take on misogynists...thank for all the wonder work you do.

[@mermaidtales4009]

Sam, so much respect for yr content.. the dynamic u describe is familiar. What is yr view on attachment styles? I'm Anxious-preoccupied & he's Dismissive Avoidant.. Could the dynamic resonate here? Feel he'd be promiscuous post break-up, whereas I'd be celibate.. Thankyou for educating ppl who wish to learn & grow.

[@samvaknin]

Search this channel.

[@VideosVonDennis]

Can phase 2 and 3 play out after her discard? I distanced myself months after the discard because she became really abusive. Since then it appears like she is in phase 2 and about to enter phase 3.

[@samvaknin]

Yes.

[@salivadriven]

My God man. Is there anything positive to say? I’m avoidant and he’s borderline. Does therapy help? Should I just give up and become a cat lady myself?

[@samvaknin]

Search the BPD and the therapies playlists.

[@lizmccaleb577]

Thank you I have Cptsd and with that comes bpd tendencies if I am not careful. If I recognize symptoms I can be sure to do the work to fix the cognitive errors creating the symptoms.

[@truegemrn]

“It’s not her…cup of tea!” I liked that!

[@kathy8032]

Thank you so much, Professor, for this channel! Is it possible to set boundaries with a borderline the right way and hold them accountable for what they do? I have a covert male borderline kind of boss who mistreats me and being dishonest. I cannot find how to communicate with them. For now I see that his fear is the main driving force that I can use.

[@DSWH072869]

@Kathy "Is it possible to set boundaries with a borderline the right way and hold them accountable for what they do?" You should be setting your own boundaries and executing the process if someone violates your boundary.

[@kathy8032]

@@DSWH072869 couple days ago when I was firm with my boundaries again, it made him mad 😑 he started screaming over phone like crazy and was about to suffocate in histrionic seizure! He wants to be in control and does not care about our agreement and any boundaries. Also he messed with my life saying that he loves me that he is separated and going to divorce. I just discovered he is not normal. I do not know how to punish him and make him keep his words regarding our work 😖

[@DSWH072869]

@@kathy8032 By your own words, he has maladaptive issues and behaviors. A healthy person has no interest in violating your boundaries in an effort to relate to you. A healthy person understands that this would cause injuries of trust. He also crossed your boundaries so now it is time to limit your exposure to him or anyone that behaves poorly; as you can't change them or make them behave right. The only remedy is to let controllers experience the consequences of their irresponsibility, by removing yourself.

[@kathy8032]

@@DSWH072869 good decision to remove myself, thank you. For the moment I cannot do it, I will have to depend on him for some time. I am waiting the phase of bad and violent behavior will be gone and he will put on a mask of a good caring person 🤷‍♀️

[@ash1277100]

Great video , is it possible for two BPDS to have a good relationship? I know a couple both women and both have BPD right now both are very happy it’s in the beginning stages. Thanks

[@goldy140]

Is there's a difference between Fearful Avoidant ( Disorganized ) with few BPD traits & fully Borederline ppl ?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the BPD playlist.

[@goldy140]

​@@samvakninwhere is the Borederline list which says abt Disorganized attachment style? My bf is FA , now has distanced me for the 3rd time since December . He has some BPD signs, not all as I understand..

[@BrendaKrohn]

I live with my sister she picks on me Im going to move. She feels comfortable mis treating me. I call her out and make her 🛑 stop. We're both borderline she is Queen Shebba 12:45

[@AnitaClark-pt9uv]

Can narcasists have bpd too ?

[@samvaknin]

Search the comorbidities playlist.