11 Not So Obvious Signs Your Parent Emotionally Neglected You; Lisa A. Romano

[@soultrick7474]

OMG! I was spending my time on those other million channels about narc topic and they was lacking smth.... but i came across this channel just now, and oh my oh my. This one takes the cake, winner! Best on this topic hands down. No unnecessary talk. No nonsense. Info is concentrated and on point. Perfect channel!

[@irinamladenoska7539]

Yes, Lisa is an expert for narcs. Deep knowledge.

[@nancybartley4610]

I had the same reaction. Those of us whose parents were indifferent are in a very limbo-like state. Indifference is not obvious. It is not easily observed. A child knows when they are slapped silly or told they are stupid. They might not realize how wrong that is until they are adults, but they do realize it at some point and can start to deal with it. A child who experienced indifference may never get it. They think they mattered because their basic needs were met, but something so important was missing and they don't know it. Later in life when they realize how messed up they are, they wander about lost, confused and disconnected from everything. They still look to their parent to be the one place where they can be wanted. But something is so very wrong with the relationship. They still don't see the indifference. They will be made to feel like they are ingrates and are, therefore, the problem. They go on being rejected. That is why people like Lisa are sooooo important and powerful. They reveal the truth to us. Indifference is ________. ???? I'm trying to find the adjective. It is the lack of something necessary to flourish, to be whole, to love yourself. Please, those of you better able to articulate this, give this type of childhood its descriptor. Why is it so hard to describe? Does "covert" work? It was subtle. The reference someone made to Sisyphus is getting close to the problem. I used to have dreams of trying to do something as simple as climb up a slightly inclined slope. Over and over I tried without success and woke up so despondent.

[@irinamladenoska7539]

@@nancybartley4610 they make you to give up on your autheticity, to betray yourself. They make you feel bad for beying you, like it is something wrong with you. It is a projection, now I know. Unable to feel amd have emotions and unable to deeply conect, because narcs are shells of them selfs, a nankrobots if you wish, they abuse you and tell you you are too sensitive. And you belive them, they are your parents. Aferwords, your narc parner does the same. So, they treat you as a property, and do not "see" the real you, thay do not are of ykur need to be happy and be real. They do not have a real empathy for you. So, they can feed you, dress you, but they are not happy when you show independency and growth. They want you to be dependent of them. And yes indefrent, they are so, they care of them selfs only. Covert yes, sneeky.

[@Sheywh12]

Another great healer is Dr. Kim Sage if you want to go deeper then even lIsa goes about us and more psychologically information I'm learning so much from both these wonderful women Who both have had their own trauma.. Take Care Yes there's bad stuff out there and then theirs real stuff like Lisa and Dr. Sage

[@sunnyadams5842]

Lisa's content kick started me getting healed. She's truly the GOAT!!

[@laurel__]

Just a reminder to everyone - you are here DESPITE your childhood programming. You are trying to do better DESPITE what happened to you. That is amazing. Keep going.

[@sparklingloveandlight]

Thank you❤❤ and you too❤❤😊

[@irinamladenoska7539]

❤️❤️❤️

[@sivnfrens]

Thank you❤❤ I needed this 💐😊

[@AmberLovesMystery]

This made my thought fell choked up 😣

[@cindyreeves5048]

Thanks Laurel. 😢

[@aliceinwisdom863]

They’re cold toward you They speak with an unfriendly tone They do not respond to your emotions They spend little time with you They lack interest in your life They consistently find fault with you They are verbally abusive and critical They do not encourage or lift you up when you fail or make mistakes They are aloof, shutdown, & detached They appear angry and unapproachable They guilt trip you (Ex: comparing their childhood to yours and/or by sharing their sacrifices to shame you for feeling upset by their behavior.

[@Rosalie-ct8mi]

yess yess yess on all of them.....unfortunately

[@joshuamorillo1694]

Guess what though, we're big now and theres nothing they can do about it. They're gonna have to find an actual garbage can to dump all of their emotional garbage in.

[@twovirginiacats3753]

I think I had fairly normal parents. Even at that "they consistently found fault with me and were often critical". I literally could do nothing right. I was supposedly the "stupid kid in the family with all the problems". My brother was like a little god. Then I scored incredibly high on an IQ test. Teachers knew it had to be a mistake, so they made me take it over. Same results. After that life at school improved. Home - not so much. But I eventually moved past it all and went to college (mostly on scholarships). I was well into my 30's before I started to really work on self-esteem issues. I have tried to teach my own kids that making mistakes is normal and to try to learn from these mistakes. There is no such thing as perfect. You do you.

[@misschris662]

Go live your own life. Parents are not meant to mollycoddle you into their grave! Every person has struggles in life, that’s normal. Keep your distance and leave the environment for good.

[@studiosinger]

I wonder if this is a common thing especially from those born in the 1930’s-40’s influenced strongly by the Roman Catholic Church they left in the 1960s?

[@sandh6973]

I am in my 50’s, both my parents are dead and this is extremely hard to watch. I have blocked out a lot of my childhood.

[@DustinRea]

Well, you're watching it. It seems that on some level, you're processing things. Kudos. Confronting trauma isn't comfortable, but it is healing. And you're likely gaining the ability to help those who are in the early stages of this

[@kikkan7110]

I didn't get it til I was in my 60's, so hang in there - you will be able to process and get better, heal and have a better life. God bless 💗

[@karenlemenchick669]

I don’t remember much of anything before I was 14. Even my teen years are sporadic with memories. My mother died in 2006 and the feeling of freedom was amazing. I never did or said anything right. Even when I had done nothing wrong. I lost myself in books and there I found different worlds, loves, and living life.

[@BrassyBrunette]

For me I immersed myself in caring for my pets. To this day I still find more peace in cuddling my dogs opposed to having to invest in trusting ppl.

[@sandh6973]

@@BrassyBrunette I can totally relate to this. My dogs are my world. ❤️🐶

[@sugarandspice2136]

It sickens me how children are born to the wrong people and have to spend years in therapy to heal the traumas the parents did/did not do.

[@Rosalie-ct8mi]

So true and I feel it is so unjust! But the only way to heal from it unfortunately!

[@studiosinger]

The problem is born to godless reprobates. If people knew Jesus things would be different.

[@julianchristie891]

I have come far enough to know that as bad as my childhood was….my parents childhood was a struggle as well. I hope to brake that chain♥️🕯️

[@doannad.1518]

We were not born to the wrong parents. My choice was to accept the lessons my parents offered, but implicit and explicit. We have the ability to learn to nurture our inner child. We learn to acknowledge our feelings and voice our boundaries and still find happiness and love in this crazy world.

[@shai-shai934]

It is really sick and sad :/ currently trying to find a way to move out of my toxic environment. My mom is not a stable women. Mentally physically,emotionally and spiritually. I’m constantly scared she’s going to quit yet another job for us to move out and away . I’m gonna have to do things on my own she’s unreliable

[@juliemoore6957]

I realized I was on my own from 7th grade on. I felt like a burden, I wasn't taught anything about life. I turned to self help books at 6th grade and that's how I learned about life.

[@coreyadkins8775]

Similar story. Was on my own 9th grade on. Had to latch onto others for emotional or more normal family situations.

[@yvettemoore71]

Same here Julie...did we have the same mother??🤣🤣 I remember being told twice in 50 years that I looked nice by her, was taught nothing and here I am,childless and dressing up my dogs at Christmas...however, going no contact with my mother and both sisters 3 years ago has made my life completely different, my anxiety disappeared and although it's pretty sad, giving half a century of service to my parents was enough even for me to say NO MORE...The day my Dad died was the first day of freedom 3 years ago...🥰🇦🇺

[@yvettemoore71]

@@coreyadkins8775 please read my reply to Julie as it would be exactly the same as I'd write to you...I never realised there are so many of us...take care🇦🇺❤

[@queenofkingsbury]

Yes, my mother (my father died when I was 9) checked out of parenting after he died. I was on my own with only my older sisters to guide us.

[@nickadams1519]

Sending Love ❤️...Julie Moore...Are you single? ❤️😊

[@carolynkepler2826]

I wasted 25 yrs on therapy. Nobody ever said this to me. I was literally the 340lb elephant in the room. You are the first one to say this to me. I cried a lot and was afraid of everyone. I was shamed and ridiculed even though I was a small toddler. I got labeled as “too sensitive”. My mother was overwhelmed with her own grief and there was no one else who wanted the “job” of caring for me.

[@denisetorres707]

I too was labeled as too sensitive. Always watching my mothers facial expression. One line she said still rings in my ears, "Get too much education and no man will ever want you".

[@Christina-ot9ie]

I didn't know that caring for someone was a job. Very sad

[@SunnyDay335]

@@Christina-ot9ie Totally agree. It is very hard to be self-reflective. In assessing what is wanted in your life, would it be reasonable to assess what the natural human being does to exist peacefully? It took years of counselling, a degree in Anthropology, a minor in psychology for me to hear someone on talk radio recognize how families and society distort, brainwash, and misconstrue truth. With all of that the true kicker is learning no one has chosen the family, culture, country in which they were born. That all cultures have a means to organize to benefit the many, but in order for that culture to be healthy it has to adhere to truth and that all are needed to be healthy for the whole to be so. Not one's individual truth, but the truth of the cosmos that we were all created to bring about a good and to express and support the many positive gifts we each have. We are to help one another, protect one another and love one another.

[@Star-dj1kw]

❤ hugs. Toddlers should only be loved 🥰 on. I am sorry 😞

[@mustbeheard9834]

I am sorry. 😢 No one deserves this! I wish I could you a great big ((HUG))

[@carieyounginsurance]

They don’t touch, kiss or hug you. They don’t tell you - you are loved- ever.

[@streaming5332]

Just the mother had no love.

[@deyanirazandbergen5023]

I'll tell you why, because they didn't receive themselves any loving hug or encouraging word when they were a kid themselves! Then you would point out: 'but if they themselves missed this loving attention, they should know how to give it to their own kids'! Well, no! It doesn't work like that because although they are adults in fact they are still scared littke kids craving for some love too! And until they and you are conscious of that then the healing process can begin!

[@reesedaniel5835]

But they sure as hell would beat you with a belt, a switch or kick you etc.

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@deyanirazandbergen5023 Well tell us why we who also received the same lack of love from them were able to show it to our own children in an effort to prevent them from going through the same hell? (Hint: it's because they are "different" from us). Genetically and spiritually. See GENEsis 3:15 and Psalm 58:3-5

[@streaming5332]

@@reesedaniel5835 So sad.

[@annisechetelat9026]

My dad was mad that my mom got pregnant with me. When I was 30, my dad upset me and I slammed my bedroom door. I later walked into the bathroom and he came in and cornered me and put his fist up to my face like he wanted to hit me. He also told me that he loved me for the first time at my age of 45. I went to visit him after my mom died and the first thing he did was to put me down and remined me of all my faults . I left that night and slept at Walmart and drove 7 hours back home. They left me at the babysitter's house and all kids were picked up and I sat alone for 4 hours ...that hurt me and I've never forgotten. I told my mom 10 years after my rape and she changed the topic. Parents gave their cabin they built to my older siblings. I had bad relationships by looking for love. I married a man 15 years older. I have dealt with depression, and anxiety most of my life. Was told I was cl8se to being Boarderline. I'm 67 and still a survivor!

[@JulieSevelson-nb9nj]

That's terrible, what was done to you by your narcissist parents !! It sounds like you were a scapegoat for them to pick on. I hope things are better and easier now.

[@annisechetelat9026]

@@JulieSevelson-nb9nj They have passed. Thank you for your kind words. As you can tell....I'm bitter but trying to live my life on my terms.

[@cynthiamurray9421]

I hear you, zim sorry you were left at the baby sitters house. I was left at a camp and was the very last kid picked up and the Camp Counselors were getting ready to leave when they heard me crying. My family was on Vacation and I felt abandoned. I'm 68, most of my life I've suffered not feeling good enough because of my Mother's judgement.

[@merncat3384]

@10:50 - That's EXACTLY how my mother acted. Monotone, wouldn't look at me, sometimes she would even literally walk right out of the room while I was in the middle of telling her something.

[@lisadee9749]

You nailed it Lisa! I was mocked and ridiculed as a child. Failure was not an option. If you're gonna cry, I will give you something to cry about. And yes, no support, just multiple doses of criticism.

[@djg5950]

I heard that one, too but, more often, "If you're going to cry go in your bedroom and cry because I don't want to hear it." Way to tell a child that you don't care about their emotions. Lots of tear stains on my pillow.

[@Loriburnett]

Oh gosh, I remember those two things myself and still feel the pain

[@lisadee9749]

@@djg5950 The sad part is they still do not care about my feelings. Have pretty much gone no contact. I see them once a year.

[@djg5950]

@@lisadee9749 I went that route, too. My mother died at 93 yo (2019) never realizing what she did. Her only excuse was, "You didn't come with instructions" and "I did the best that I could". That latter excuse wasn't good enough for me. I'm assuming her childhood was the same but she should have figured it out and done better. Raising kids was more difficult than she thought it would be so she just gave up. My attitude reflexes her attitude (I'm a cynic and skeptic today and always have been). This video describes how I became what I have. Parents weren't otherwise abusive nor alcoholics nor used drugs so it could have been worse. It is for many and I understand that. My mother never had a day of insight her whole life.

[@djg5950]

@@lisadee9749 Listen to the words to Bob Seger's song "Fire Inside". I looked them up and they still make me cry because it describes me when I was in my 30's. Thought it was out back then (mid 1980's) but I guess it wasn't written until 1991 when the album was released. I remember playing that song over and over and crying about how true the lyrics were and how they described me. I'd moved past that stage in my life by then but it still made me cry and still does today when I listen to them.

[@kelsawalsh9271]

For years I told my mom that my childhood “wasn’t that bad” so that she didn’t feel bad. My step father was an alcoholic and my mother checked out emotionally. When I finally told her that it WAS that bad she said, “Thank you for finally saying that, I really did have it bad.” 😮She didn’t even acknowledge what a messed up childhood I had!

[@olegstacie]

Lol. SMH Once when I was trying to impress upon my mother how damaging my abusive father had been to my mental health. She literally said, “How do you think I felt?! He was MY husband.” 🙁

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

@@olegstacie It was her choice to marry and stay married to him, so I don't think she has much room to complain. I wish my (adoptive) mum had divorced my adoptive dad for similar reasons (alcoholic/bipolar/narc-like behaviours) and she threatened to more than once, but they stayed married until he died.

[@5DNRG]

Holy moley! This is exactly what my mom would say too.😔

[@debbylou5729]

You said it yourself, you weren’t the only one

[@kathrynhansen9128]

I once asked my mom why didn't she divorce my emotionally abusive alcoholic father and she said, "where else was I to go". She felt trapped. Women had few options back then.

[@brendathompson4939]

Yes to all of these. I was constantly criticized and mocked when I was little. My mom would even get my brother to participate. I learned from an early age not to tell them of the good things that would happen to me at school. I would spend hours in my bedroom just to escape.

[@Tzipporah36]

Same here!

[@jmpnjessie]

Me too! Only it was my dad and sister!

[@SunnyDay335]

Same

[@Generichjm]

❤

[@maryfields1382]

In my mother's eyes, the worst thing you could be was a "show-off". The first time I remember winning some kind of award at school, I was so excited to tell her, only to be told to stop being a show-off. I might have been 7 or 8 years old. I never shared anything like that with her again.

[@JenniferLybyerMarkunas]

My mother told my father on my 17th birthday that "nothing important happened today." This really spoke to me. It was a lifetime of this attitude.

[@robincrowflies]

Oh darlin', you are very important. So important. Bless you.

[@Ra_vee9132]

Gosh that is awful.

[@DebbieLee-dr3hr]

It was just another day unless the grandparents joined us. It does not change. The narcissist may celebrate your bday a few times in their lifetime but remember it is all about them. I feel your your pain and reassure you deserved better.

[@Soundpj]

Ditto

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

I’m so sorry. I hate birthdays because my mother was nice to me all day long - she was so unlike herself, showing me she could be decent toward me. I imagine she thought she was doing a good thing, but it turned me against birthdays and made me feel really crap about myself… like she couldn’t do that on even 1/3 or 1/10 of the days of the year.

[@herbalina]

This is unfortunately relatable. People tend to say that our parents did the best they could but I often have doubts about that. Thanks for your videos, Lisa.

[@AmandaMG6]

The best they could for the broken, flawed people they were

[@sparklingloveandlight]

I feel ❤the same way

[@christinalw19]

I was broken and flawed but I did better for my children. I don’t agree with “ they did their best.” Because all they thought about was themselves. Selfish and too lazy to try harder for precious children!

[@sunnyadams5842]

​@@christinalw19 Christina, I'm in your camp! I 'm fed up with self-satisfied people who demand I change. Do those parents ever consider that their Best might not have been Good Enough to make us feel Good Enough? I know mine don't. I've asked them and the question 'baffled' them both. Then they got mad. 🙃😂 Wilfully ignorant, emotionally lazy, self-righteous. It's downright criminal when you come down to it. Irresponsible. Mine looked Super RESPONSIBLE. But they shirked the important😢 things, in my opinion. Like giving a crap if their kids lived or died. Immature parents who seem super mature because they're frozen are a real problem. It's a choice. We've chosen to do the work. They have chosen not to. That's me right now about my parents.

[@cindyreeves5048]

Wow…well said. Mine did NOT do their best. They were selfish addicts. But I DO forgive them. Now that I’m an adult, I get to nurture me like they never did! I feel hopeful. ❤️‍🩹

[@graveyardghost2603]

I was the product of my dad's first marriage, so I know to my mentally disturbed stepmom I was always "that other women's child." She and my dad "did their duty" by allowing me to be under their roof, but as soon as I turned 18 they kicked me out the door and expected me to never need anything from them again, no matter what. Certainly not any kind of emotional support. So I've done quite well in that I've always supported myself, but in times of trouble I have to look elsewhere for help. My stepmom would never acknowledge I had any emotional needs, i wasnt allowed to show anger or tears, or to express my opinions. For most of my adult life I had depression and wasnt sure what, but with the help of channels like this one, I've healed tremendously. Thank you Lisa, for all you do ❤❤❤❤

[@studiosinger]

Consider there are also those of us born out of wedlock during early 1960’s the Roman Catholic grandparents forced to keep us on board by encouraging a civil marriage. One day in teen years my jealous mother broke the news “you came into this world unwanted”. Has always been my enemy plotting things.

[@graveyardghost2603]

@@studiosinger I feel your pain...best of luck 👍

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@studiosinger I was born IN wedlock and came into the world unwanted.

[@_kyt_]

I was daddy's little girl until I hit puberty, then our relationship hit a wall. Mom was the parent who worked the most and needed her sleep when she was home. She was the provider, yes, but she was also wholly uninterested in me until I was in my late teens. The gap between being loved as a child and finally paid attention to my senior year feels like a black hole in my memory. And then I came out of the closet and what little was there already just lit itself on fire. I moved to the other side of the country on my own and it wasn't until I hadn't seen my parents cold turkey for a few years that they got really needy. The entire time its felt like too little, too late. I moved back recently. Now they're in their 70s and it feels like I'm only just now having the mother/daughter relationship I wanted as a kid. Makes me cry just writing this.

[@Jes052960]

I at about 7-8 years old had daydreams of getting seriously injured or sick, in the hospital where people actually gave loving attention to me. I also had a real dream that I came home from school and my family had moved away and forgot about me. The only thing that made it better was seeing my dog running towards me.

[@Chris-ib5gz]

I had the exact-same, two daydreams that started at age 8

[@LetFreedomRingEternal]

Same. 🥲❤️

[@Christina-ot9ie]

I sure can relate to the loving dog . I have never ending love for the dogs I have had.

[@SunnyDay335]

As a child around 8 years old, I found being sick or injured stopped my parents arguments and gave me some attention. I developed asthma at that age. Dad wanted out of the marriage.

[@queensittingduck]

OMG same. I used to try to break my leg so I didn't have to go to school. I even remember drinking peroxide hoping I would... well... you know 😢

[@paulablair395]

I was completely ignored, shamed, humiliated, beaten with a thick yardstick. If I had any feelings left, I would hate my parents.

[@danztosti8528]

we must look beyond our own childhood. & look at who our parents are. what childhood trauma they faced too. recognising the patterns of generational trauma enables us to really break the chains and truly heal.

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

I think they must have realised on some level there was something wrong, though, in how things were handled. There was at least help that my adoptive parents could have sought, but didn't, and our problems as a family were pretty obvious.

[@doannad.1518]

Having the answers to a parents upbringing does absolutely nothing to alleviate individual suffering. The answer is self-acceptance and coping with the hand dealt in this thing we call life.

[@JaseekaRawr]

At a certain point that doesn't matter, though. We just wanted to be loved & didn't ask to be born. I could accept their failures more easily if they'd just apologize or at least recognize they made any mistakes. It's one thing to go through childhood trauma, it's another entirely to inflict said trauma onto your own children, esp CSA. My sympathy goes out the window when they become the abusers, themselves, while fully understanding how destructive those actions can be on underdeveloped minds.

[@louarmstrong6128]

Our neglectful parents, abusive parents probably need to view this also or other KZbin channels dealing with toxic living...but the Internet hasn't been around very long...thank you Lisa and the other therapists

[@5DNRG]

Yep...this is me. After a lifetime of healing, I'm finally enjoying my childhood in my mid 60s!😉

[@heidiocain]

ANGER--- One of the stronger emotions of Grief...

[@CgColleenGorman]

Exactly

[@prschuster]

Skip to 10:30 for the 11 signs. My parents weren't super abusive, but I didn't get much support. The criticism always outweighed the reinforcement. I am more vigilant now to stay away from toxic people.

[@MH_Prof]

Thank you.

[@kimgordon3695]

Making Lisa a beacon of light having survived narcissistic apathy

[@nancybartley4610]

It is the family experience you describe as not super abusive that is hardest with which to come to grips. It is hard because you think your childhood was okay/normal. Afterall, it was the only experience you had, so how could you realize at the time that you lived it that it was damaging? I struggle with guilt, deeply destructive shame that I didn't appreciate my parents, that I was the problem. If I make a list of all the thing that happened or the things that didn't happen but should have happened, I begin to realize something was so unhealthy about my childhood. It becomes an approach-avoidance problem: if I look at the list of negatives closely, I can back off from the guilt and not blame myself so much. But as soon as I back off, I begin to see the things my parents did that were positives and the guilt, self-hate cycle begins again. I wish they had been super abusive.

[@prschuster]

@@nancybartley4610 You're right. I know there was something wrong that made me an emotional mess much of my life. I'm sure I experienced abuse that I wasn't fully aware of.

[@BrassyBrunette]

​@@nancybartley4610 my father would boldly state....Oh you are SO ABUSED. My parents prided themselves in not beating us. And that providing food, roof and clothes (barely), putting us on a school bus, was all that was required. Any of our hopes and dreams were mocked. If we broke our belongings we NEVER EVER would get our valued item replaced. So I grew up feeling very fearful of losing thing I loved. I struggled with a tendency to lean toward hording at times. It's complicated. I'm 57, raised 7 children. Tried my best to do it differently. My father's passed, mother in NH with Alzheimer's. I go thru periods of peace. But strangely old emotional things return to deal with

[@222radar]

I'm 50 and just learning all of this. It's never too late to heal.

[@angelmossucco]

In addition to Lisa Romano, I recommend Gabor Mate, Teri Cole, Tim Fletcher, Kelly McDaniel, Ross Rosenberg, Rhoberta Schaler and Alice Miller

[@222radar]

@@angelmossucco Thank you!

[@futurefarms3440]

Wow...am 47 till now I get this vivid dreams...my mind cannot shut down..I still see my childhood very clearly..very difficult for me to trust people.

[@livinginthepines]

This just unlocked a memory of being really sick as a teen in my room for a few days and it took my dad a few days to come into my room and check on me. Insane.

[@2010lrain]

I couldn't understand why I felt unwanted when I had everything materially as a child. Two parents, nice home, toys bikes holidays etc. But dad drank heavily, mum didn't listen or connect, she struggled to raise three children. There were no cuddles or kisses and I saw my friends parents kissing them goodbye. They'd attend the parents evening or the sports day, mine came once or twice and said there's no reason to come again as I'm no academic or sporty so what is the point! I felt so unloved and unhappy. I had little attention and there was constant criticism. Now I understand about emotional neglect from listening to this channel. Mum's a good person and I am now her carer, dad was neglected and physically abused as a child. We all have our wounds. 😢

[@andanotherthing619]

Good on you, doing for your mother what she failed to do for you. And for understanding your father's childhood wrecked his life. Amazing forgiveness.

[@rhyfeddu]

You just described 90% of my childhood. ✊🏻

[@deyanirazandbergen5023]

​@@andanotherthing619 ❤

[@deyanirazandbergen5023]

Being compassionate and forgiving are the first steps to start healing!

[@cathichristian4142]

I went to a Catholic school for four years and was bullied terribly. My parents, especially my mother, believed the bullying was my fault. My mother would mock me and say "Poor poor Cathi nobody likes her!". My mother was ashamed of me because I was not the attractive popular daughter she wanted. I disappointed her and she communicated that to me later in life. I always detected that she didn't think very much of me. When I grew older and learned how to put on make up and dress nicely she finally told me what she thought. She said that she was so worried about me because I was such a homely child and that she was glad that I grew up to be fairly attractive. She was constantly criticizing and putting me down about something. She didn't like that I wore my hair behind my ears or she didn't like the way I stood. She would make these complaints to me and her friends. I do know now that she was a narcissist and that she had a disorder. They are incapable of loving their children for who they are not for what they can do for them.

[@mindfullymellow2323]

I can relate; sorry you had an upbringing like that.

[@Star-dj1kw]

Oh my goodness! You deserved love and nurturing. I am so sorry.

[@chelongogan3904]

@@mindfullymellow2323 her mom was emotionally abusing her...take it to Jesus...ask God to help you to forgive her....forgive and be kind to your mom

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@chelongogan3904 Forgive and have nothing to do with her..2 Tim 3:1-5.

[@Pr_20]

I believe the reason I struggle with toxic relationships and have no kids at 37 is due to my narc parents. I’ve only learnt about this the last 6 years when I had a relationship with a narc. Now I’m doing the work I really hope I can get through this. The older I get the more I’m learning 😊

[@christinalw19]

You would be a fantastic Mother. 🙏🏼😘

[@Pr_20]

@@christinalw19 thank you. I’m not giving up on kids it will happen and I’ve learnt so much I wouldn’t ever treat my kids like my parents did me!

[@SaralinaLove]

ditto. but that's too late for me now so i have to keep doing the work with my own inner child.... it's sad that that trauma made me choose my life the way i have though there are so many beauitufl choices i've made but i wasn't able to chooose children or even a safe mate so i stay alone bc of what happened to me as a child... lots of blessings to you!

[@SteveAyanami]

Nothing wrong with not having children...jfc

[@Hispanicwoman]

@@SteveAyanami There's nothing wrong with people wanting children, either. None of your business what they feel, eh mate?

[@chopsieflores4844]

Only attention I got was beatings for my facial expressions. It was horrible. This is spot on.

[@MsThebeMoon]

I'm unable to bond and even pushed bff's away. I thought it was because I was a bona fide loner but through working with my coach, I do desire to connect with people. Man, I'm 63 yo, 25 yrs. sober and I'm still working on myself. I was a single parent during my drinking and my son (good man) but he can't control his emotions or frustration. I see myself in his reactions but all I have control of is myself. I tried to make it up - but there is no way. There's no way to change the past. It's a cycle and I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to break it. Now, my son is 41 and ... well, he has issues that I know I was responsible in creating.

[@shalenb3321]

It helped me a great deal to ask my parents as an adult how they were treated as children and I learned so much. When you find out that it's not about you personally and the historical events in these timelines, perceptions change.

[@faa1412]

Yup! Passing their trauma down to their kids

[@graveyardghost2603]

Thank you, I know that is true. I keep wondering what the heck my grandparents did to my stepmom to make her so messed up. Maybe one day I will have the courage to ask her about her childhood, but I may not bc she is very secretive about everything. She would probably resent me for "prying" 😮

[@anacarvalho6720]

It's true. But by then, the damage is done. And when you, yourself become a parent, you understand you can choose not to treat your children the same way you were treated, they deserve better than you had. So, if you had that choice... why didn't they?

[@graveyardghost2603]

@@anacarvalho6720 very good point 👍

[@shalenb3321]

It's a hard topic for discussion sometimes but I bring up the time period because my great grandmother was labeled crazy and ocd always. But I asked the questions about her and she left Germany at age 16 by herself, married a man who was much older because he choose her, never saw her parents again and had a baby die at 3 days old and just knowing these things helped me to feel compassion for this woman who got upset if you colored outside the lines. The bottom line is it wasn't personal. Of course we internalize and as children believe it's about us. We feel defective, rejected, neglected, and these belief systems form that are so damaging that we carry through life and a point came where I had to figure out how I got where I was without blaming anyone else and this is what one thing I found.

[@rubycubez1103]

While my sister and I were in our 20s, we were still living with our mother. Even as grown adults when we heard her keys in the lock when she returned home from work, we both would automatically jump out of a weird fear at the same exact time, every time. We were in our 20s!

[@jcm5171]

It sure says a lot, wow ! Hope you are alright, the both of you.

[@sparklingloveandlight]

Omg❤I'm so sorry you went through that😢❤ I also would hide

[@twovirginiacats3753]

We didn't jump. We just had mom's drink ready to hand to her when she walked in the door. Lol

[@ellebelle86]

I have a similar issue - even now, at 37, when someone around me starts cleaning, I will reflexively start helping them because my mother used to start cleaning and then "punish" whoever wasn't helping her. And, when I hear footsteps approaching from down a hallway, I still get an anxious knot in my stomach from living with my father. I've had to work on that trigger a lot, lol.

[@kburke9615]

@@ellebelle86 My narc mom was always an angry cleaner. She never wanted me to help her because it was never good enough or I might do damage. So I dreaded her cleaning & would hide in my room as a child or leave the house when I was older.

[@kimvannote5024]

Different types of Addiction can affect the Family. Alcohol is just one of many.

[@janbrittingham9648]

I am now 67… it’s a continuous journey , I work on overcoming my fears and anxieties daily but it’s freeing to know what I’m working with and not against hopefully. There’s no magical time when poof - these learned behaviors are gone in a ah-HAH moment …. therapy, reading, reflecting - accepting - my constant journey. First time I have listened to this particular site. You have spoken “plain English “…. with genuine understanding and knowledge. I don’t think there’s a time when there’s no residual effect. I consider myself healed but the scars remain. Thank goodness this type of recognition and education is now so accessible now. Thank you!

[@curiousone6435]

I can relate to many of these 11 signs. I've never been validated for doing things well, even if strangers like teachers or friends objectively believed so. On the other hand, I've been routinely kicked when I was down or just flat out ignored when times were tough, criticized, and blamed for things that sometimes weren't my fault (like being mercilessly bullied at school because nobody stood up for me, yet when I stood up for myself, I was viewed as the problem). Parents like this do immeasurable damage.

[@sl8605]

My mother treated me so bad and hated me. I thought that maybe I was the product of an extra-marital affair. I found out through Ancestry that I am my father's daughter. She passed and I will never know why she hated me. I went through severe drug abuse and toxic relationships. I am finally in a good place at the age of 62.

[@north40lady98]

62 here, off and on drug addictions through my 20's and 30's, numerous narc relationships and finally realizing last year through reading letters from my narcissist mother to her sister when I was only 6 months old that she didn't know what to do with my terrorizing older brother and I because he's always pulling my hair, pushing me over or taking my toy. 6 months old!Babies are just sitting up on their own. I never felt safe with her. I trauma bonded with the same type of men. 22 years of healing and still processing issues as I learn on top of now dealing with 2 alcoholic narcissist daughters. Life is Good!😂

[@sl8605]

@@north40lady98 I have learned that I need to stay away from relationships with men, as that is usually my downfall. Bad relationships always led back to drug abuse. I have been on my own now for 8 years and couldn't be happier. I wish you the best with your daughters, hopefully they don't repeat the cycle of what your mother did to you.

[@north40lady98]

@@sl8605 Thank you! I have been single 23 years and couldn't agree more, life is good. My daughters struggle with generational alcoholism, my choice was drugs, always introduced by men, however, it was my choice to imbibe again and every episode only got worse more quickly until I moved to an entirely different area and was able to wipe the slate clean and start this journey of healing. Definitely doesn't happen quickly.

[@Woodman-Spare-that-tree]

Maybe you look like your father and she hated your father. Maybe you’re female and you’re much prettier than your mum and she was jealous. Maybe your mother had a bad time physically giving birth to you, and she never forgave you for that. Maybe you’re not as pretty or as talented as she wanted and she’s ashamed of you. Maybe she wanted to buy something that she couldn’t afford because she had to buy food and clothes for you. Maybe (and this is what my mother told me), when you were born she had a dog that growled at you, so it wasn’t safe to keep the dog, so she had the dog euthanised and she never forgave herself for that, and she still missed the dog very much. She saw me as the cause of her dog’s death.

[@nancybartley4610]

You are so right, Lisa, about needing to know what happened to you. I have gone to so many therapists and not one ever said the obvious: " You were not wanted; you were an obligation, not a joy. Your parents fulfilled the obligation of providing your basic needs, but they just wanted you to grow up and go away." I have finally had to figure this out myself. Really resent that therapists never told me the obvious.

[@christinalw19]

Ditto. I went off and on to therapy from the age of 28 until 50. Not one of them helped me or had a clue. One suggested that my father molested me! He was the only one I trusted and who loved me. Finding out about narcissism in relationships was key. Givers and takers. Empaths and narcs. Use common sense and discernment. 🙏🏼❤️🕊

[@nancybartley4610]

Actually, it is not fair to say I figured it out myself. Therapists, like Lisa, on KZbin opened my eyes, slowly but surely. It has taken about three years to accept this truth. I owe them so much.

[@nikkimitchell5440]

Just all hit me the other day. Finally acknowledging it did happen to me, it wasn't my fault and it's so painful. But I'm glad the veil has lifted. Now I'll start working on healing all the damage it's caused.

[@1117jone]

Wow this brings up lots of emotional trauma I experienced 😞

[@williamdemarrais8318]

I think it is normal to resent emotionally neglectful parents. Hate is an emotion that I know too much!

[@dinahnicest6525]

I've experienced all of these, so whenever I told my kids that I gave up my musical career for them I always stressed -- in the words of the song by the famous guy "Who plays first base" -- "I called it a bargain, the best I ever had." I tried hard to never neglect them in any way, They're grown up now, and in many ways, they've let me know that they know that they mean even more to me than what previously had been the most cherished part of my life.

[@jeffreykuhns6581]

I have an emotionally abusive sister that was 10 years my senior who was greatly influenced by a narcissistic grandmother. My grandmother too was an alcoholic. My mother was not. My parents were very supportive, they werent my problem. I'm finally starting to reconcile that childhood pain.

[@GENERALWACKASS]

Im learning how to allow my mother and brother be that way. Its difficult knowing my family still behave in such a manner.

[@jlockwood65]

Godspeed! I had an abusive sister too. It wrecks you inside. Godspeed.

[@jlockwood65]

Thanks for being here Jeffery.

[@lisanicu2000]

Wow! Many of these points apply to me (and to my siblings, but differently). My mother, who is 92, is a Grandiose Malignant Narcissist. My father and both grandfathers were Alcoholics. The notion that some mothers shame and blame their children for having “ruined them” through childbirth. My mother STILL to this day tells me I “ripped her apart” and that she was hoarse from screaming in pain while giving birth to me. It started when I was around 7-8, but it could have been earlier, and I don’t remember that far back. I can tell you, it crushes me to this day to be blamed for harming my mother as an innocent baby.

[@carolcasey5441]

Your mother is an idiot. Some people aren't capable of giving you what you need. Be proud of yourself that you are trying to grow and heal. Keep going. You're good You're fine, in the way of the floating bird, swan, duck, i don't remember. Elegant on surface but legs paddling like fury. Sorry my metaphor is badly remembered and written but you get the idea. All the best to you. ♥️

[@reesedaniel5835]

Demonic narcissists love to play the victim. They are cruel, disgusting savages (sub human in my opinion).

[@moniquejackson7741]

You are Amazing, Lisa. I woke six years ago because one of your videos described my family so perfectly that I knew I just had to look into your work. All these years later your videos just keep getting better and better. Few people break it down like you do. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for everything you do for this community.

[@renatemocza7195]

When I look at people, who grew up with loving and supporting parents ( if such thing really exists ), I don ´ t wonder, why they are able to live their interests, be successful and create beautiful and happy families, while for me, it took almost my whole life to find out what was going on, jumping from the cooking pot into the frying pan, when I somehow realized that I may be severely traumatized and I had to spend so much time on this nonsense and struggle just to stay alive.

[@reesedaniel5835]

They bring us up to be prey for predators and to continually self sabotage. We are taught nothing and thrown to the wolves, socially awkward and devoid of boundaries or self esteem. What they do is criminal and they should all be imprisoned for child neglect and attempted murder. Indirectly murdering someone (or causing them to commit suicide) is still murder in God's eyes. Instead, they are seen as the "victims" or the "martyrs" and we are seen as the "ungrateful, neglectful daughter or son"....Disgusting.

[@robincrowflies]

I broke down in tears listening to these signs.

[@solasgealaglanadh8358]

I have very few childhood memories. I have no memories of my parents giving me a hug, a kiss, or a kind word. I really want to reclaim my memories and try to work through my trauma.

[@storm_silvercloud2107]

The indifference my mother exhibited towards me was deafening. But all of the people in the neighborhood thought my mom was wise like Buddha. I never could quite get that. She overlooked me being molested at age 5 because she didn't want any harm to come to a pedophile who at the time was a friend of my older brother. It all spiralled downward from there...

[@GingerMarcel]

My feelings were not taken seriously as a child and young adult. No one ever came to my bedroom door when I was upset to talk and connect with me. I always thought that was normal until I witnessed how my friend’s parents treated them.

[@reesedaniel5835]

My dad would do that up until I turned 12 or 13 and by then my covert narc mother had completely turned him against me.

[@Brandiafinegirl62]

I need healing. I'm 61 and listening to this brings me pain and hope. Thank you.

[@ironrose888]

You described my childhood perfectly. I have always tried to figure out what was wrong with me. I took a lot of psychology classes to figure out what was wrong with me and how to fix me. I later was invited to a church and found Jesus. Over time, I met people who cared about me and wanted to spend time with me. I healed from my emotional wounds and learned how to pray and recover. 😊

[@jimanderson5883]

I like the car analogy you use in the beginning. You cannot heal yourself until you learn your problems, just as you cannot repair your car until you diagnose what is wrong with it. Simple, yet powerful comparison. Thank you.

[@XxDibbsxX]

due to emotional neglect i cannot trust anybody because i cannot trust myself. ive had to teach myself everything i know about emotions since i was little. i know so many people feel this way and its sad. its even more a shame when you try to tell your parents how you've felt and they show no responsibility for the way you feel. or they think they did but in reality they've never genuinely apologized for the impact it had on your life.

[@christina-x7w]

I was so shoked when I recoverd from severe depression at age 18 that my mother and my father didnt ask how I am doing now, if I am ok. I raised myself alone. I got no attention. And they only saw the flaws.

[@MissKitty944]

This is why the nuclear family is wrong. The extended family allows children to find the emotional and physical support that they need from other close family members such as grandparents and aunts and uncles, older cousins, that may be available when the parents are overwhelmed. Sometimes all you need is a 5 minute cuddle and to express your feelings about your day and possible solutions when things were not the best.

[@heatherniemisavage]

Yes, when the parents are simply overwhelmed. But if the problem is generational, all the aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents are affected/involved. My grandmother was mean to me, and my aunt married an abusive alcoholic. Just 2 examples.

[@MissKitty944]

@Heather Savage I'm very sorry that you had no one to help you. I hope that you have found a way to heal. I haven't been in your position, yet my roommate has, and I have witnessed her work very hard on her situation. I wish all the best for you.

[@sue1657]

i was told by a TEACHER she didnt think i should play with her daughter i wasnt the type for her kid. i remembered that my whole life.

[@Woodman-Spare-that-tree]

Jeez! That’s tough. I’m sorry.

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you Lisa. I had emotionally neglectful parents and I have been struggling all my life until I hit rock bottom and started to heal. I do not want to pass those generational wounds to the next generation. Thank you Lisa❤ little by little we can get there❤ love and light❤

[@marshajewell4720]

My mom married an abusive alcoholic when I was 8. He quickly turned her into one too by making a rule that she was to sit and drink with him for an hour or two every evening when he got home from work. Us kids were not to disturb them until they were finished. That gradually extended to the point that she had us prepare supper ourselves, and just call them when dinner was ready. I was 11 and cooking supper every couple nights. Once they finished eating, they’d leave their dishes for us to take care of. My sister and I did the cleanup nightly. Next came telling us to do all house chores, including their laundry for them each week because they “didn’t have time”. Then we were to menu plan and do the weekly grocery shopping. My mom would drop me off at the store with a check, and when done, I had to go to a pay phone and call her for a ride home. She’d arrive a half hour or so after the call. This was my life at age 12. My mom literally was MIA as a role model and parent, and I was afraid of her husband. I later put myself through college and nursing school, and was valedictorian at my graduation. I invited her to the ceremony, but she said Wednesday nights she always went out to dinner with her new boyfriend, so she couldn’t make it. Sorry to be so long winded, but this wonderful video talk brings back so many feelings of a childhood where I just never mattered to my mom.

[@lisaaromano1]

Dear One you matter!!!! I am so sorry you went through this!!!! Be sure to heal the inner child so you can learn to let go, have fun and reconnect with your inner child. ACOAs grew up feeling invisible and we can remain invisible to the authentic self for a lifetime or until we finally look within. I created a 12 Week Breakthrough Program just for adult children. www.lisaaromano.com/12wbcp

[@andanotherthing619]

You rose above it all. Strong, clear-eyed and decisive. Brilliant!!

[@deyanirazandbergen5023]

I'm so sorry! 😢

[@frankG335]

Wow. That's so abusive. They used you like a personal slave!

[@errolpippin6036]

Wow I thought I had it bad,my heart goes out to you,I hope your healing from your trauma,childhood isn't fair for most of us.

[@karenholmes6565]

I am commenting so that people who feel that they had good parents but struggle with anxiety and emotional regulation can have another avenue to seek answers. Because I think that sometimes we blame our parents for our issues when they aren't responsible. I think it is important to understand that there are many layers to an anxiety disorder. From my symptoms I would have thought that perhaps I was emotionally neglected as a child. I have severe anxiety, self esteem issues, a host of difficulties emotionally regulating. And yet the relationship I had with my parents is something I treasure. They really loved me and provided an emotionally safe place for me. I was safe at home, I was not safe anywhere else, I was diagnosed with PTSD surrounding my "phobia" of driving. And I probably did have PTSD because my dad died when I was 13, but that wasn't why I am afraid of driving. I think I am probably autistic. I think that there are many women out there that are being misdiagnosed with BPD or PTSD when we have sensory disorders. Both my parents had ASD symptoms. My son has ASD symptoms. And I definitely have ASD symptoms. I am just making this comment because there are generations of people older than 20 or 25 that were missed autistic adults because they changed the criteria for diagnosis about a decade ago. Most autistic people have a lot of trauma from trying to fit into a world that wasn't made for us. I am not saying that just because you might be autistic that you don't also have trauma. Also, if you have ASD and your parents are neurotypical it may have been beyond impossible to communicate with each other. It is like a round peg and a square hole. They've done experiments where they play telephone with people who are ASD and allistic, and then people that are all autistic, and they've found that the game of telephone was always most reliable when they had all autistic or all neurotypical groups. The game goes the worst for people that are mixed between the groups. I am just pointing out that you may have felt like your parents misunderstood you or were not emotionally safe because your brain was wired differently. Of course, some parents suck, are cruel, abusive, unkind people. But this is just some thoughts for people that think their parents loved them and they still do not understand why they have so much anxiety, trouble disassociating, or emotionally regulating. These are all symptoms of ASD as well, and ASD is different in females as opposed to males.

[@deyanirazandbergen5023]

Very good point!

[@studiosinger]

People know if it’s parental abuse.

[@karenholmes6565]

@@studiosinger Unfortunately a lot of people do not know that they've been abused. And sometimes people can feel as though they were abused even though they weren't because they are extremely sensitive. Human beings are often wrong when assessing their familial relationships.

[@ladennayoung2939]

Yessssss. My mom does that now. She doesn't try to hear things when I'm really trying to converse with her. Then, when I'm not trying to converse with her and she just wants to be messy, nosy, and invasive, she always say, what did you say, or, huh?" Smh.

[@scproductions9878]

She a leo? lol

[@olgamcneil110]

From what it sounds like, it's one thing to have a neglectful parent, but to have a bitter and angry parent is more damaging. Think of what it does to the child's psychy. When you get bullied by a parent, you are more likely to bully, etc. So no matter what the other parent is doing, what the mom did was horribly damaging. And yes, she herself wasn't taught well... but...

[@guppy0536]

Name calling still echos Bullying was a normal thing 😕 you be come numb to it

[@SunnyDay335]

My mom and sister were best friends. I was kept to the side, made fun of, ridiculed, frightened and ignored. My sister talked non-stop and I was rarely allowed to speak let alone voice my own preferences. As an adult, I ran into mom at the grocery store and wasn't sure if I should say hello to her. It might have caused her to be embarrassed. I always dress nice, it wasn't that, it was because I existed. Not until 10 years after her death was I able to allow myself to not feel guilty for existing.

[@masonjr3]

Anytime I shared a problem with my dad, looking for support........ I got a loud "Ya, well, WHAAAHH!!"

[@rmp7400]

Wow😮 Well and clearly said... Am among those who survived 30 years of toxic family trauma... After 30 additional years of therapy and spiritual direction, I am still struggling ... Thankfully, even in brokenness, life has importance and value What we will not have time to remedy in this life, will be miraculously, instantaneously, transfigured in the next. Because of this Truth, I am spared senior years with bitterness and regret... Ultimately, All will be well+❤

[@hannahrosa5485]

I was very dissociative as a child. But I do recall a lot of horrible stuff now. I was about 14 when my dad or one of his friends got me pregnant so in order to protect him from the consequences mom found someone who could do a late term abortion on me. I was so sick after that with an infection and running a temp about %104 for days. During this time no one checked on me. No one even brought me a glass of water. It was as though I no longer existed and I'd better be sure that if I did anything wrong I'd be severely punished and then neglected again. What you are teaching us is invaluable to me. Thank you.

[@alisonbumstead4745]

So sorry you had to endure that Hugs

[@reesedaniel5835]

Those savages should have been imprisoned and gotten the death penalty for that. You "mother" included!!

[@magicvibesstudio]

you are truly amazing Lisa; I have watched a few of your sessions & all have helped me understand myself better. I have had adoption issues most of my life because my adoptive parents never wanted to speak or let me speak about it - when I decided to find my biological mother at 21yrs old they told me I was 'opening a can of worms' and refused to help me in any way. By some miracle I found my birth mother 3 years later & my sperm donor (bio-father) 2years after that. When I told my adoptive parents I had found my biological mother my father said: 'you know what? it irritates me when you call me Dad.' My family adoptive & biological are like chalk & cheese...so needless to say I went through about 15years of an identity crisis - although my birth mother tried to keep me for about 3 months, her father forced her to give me up for adoption because back in the 70's an unwed mother was disgraceful to say the least. Until the day my adoptive parents died which was 2006 (Mom) and 2010 (Dad) I was forbidden to mention my birth mothers name. Because I live in a country (South Africa) that really didnt and still doesnt have much help for counselling people in my position - and we never received counselling as an adopted family, in those days adoptions were closed with no interaction between the bio family & the adoptive family there were many issues I could not work through. I also had an older sister but not biologically related, she teased me & picked on me from the day I arrived because she was obviously totally intimidated that she would not be the favourite; it basically felt like I grew up as an only child...with both my parents being extremely religious & extremely strict; my sister excelled at school but I was diagnosed with ASD around the age of 11 - they discovered this because I just could not do well at school and failed most of my subjects. So on top of being adopted I was constantly yelled at by teachers, the principal & my parents....and then grounded for most of the 13years I was in school. Thanks to my current partner's love & compassion & being able to speak about what was on my heart & mind, it helped me find peace in my late 40ties...after being married & divorced twice before due to having 'attachment issues'. I chose not to have contact with any of my biological family 12years ago because it just caused too much drama in my already traumatized world - best decision I ever made. And then the Universe brought you into my life, and now I am getting the 'tools' to help heal the wounded child inside and I am 52 now - because I did feel incredible guilt about being 'disloyal' to my adoptive parents; which is something they also accused me of because I found my biological family. Wow, I amazed myself with this very long essay/comment...but even if nobody reads it - I feel so much better being able to share my experience. Thank you for your absolutely incredible insight & advice to anyone who is willing to listen and have the opportunity to 'Know Thyself'. With Great Respect & Gratitude from JHB South Africa.

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

I can relate a lot to the adoption issues - a-mum told me, as a child, that she would help find b-mum one day if I wanted to look. But the whole topic wasn't safe for me to bring up. I was in and out of foster care from 3 weeks to 2 years old, and my a-parents were my last set of foster carers because they decided to keep me, though b-mum was trying to get me back. Anyway, one day when I was maybe 3 or 4 (not yet adopted), I asked about my mum and dad and was literally raged at and called ungrateful, which was a huge shock. Who screams angrily at a really young kid trying to make sense of what was happening to them? They had a bio son, who at first was OK with me but as we grew up, mostly we hated each other. We get along fine now, but he barely wanted to know me when we were younger. I met an older sibling I didn't know I had when we were in our teens; then my a-dad chased them off without my knowledge, and he and mum pretended that this sibling had probably seen that I was settled and didn't want to upset that so had cut contact. It was very hurtful and I was pissed off at this sibling for years, because I didn't know what had happened but had really wanted to build a relationship with them, and potentially meet my mum, as they'd suggested we might be able to do when the time was right. Fast forward to two years ago, and I asked twice to see my adoption records and was blown off both times. So I got it all from social services. Unfortunately, to my devastation, mum had died before I could get back in touch. I know from my siblings that she loved me and wanted me back, and that I'm much more like her than a-mum. I have attachment issues as well; I never wanted to marry and all my romantic relationships have been short, stressful and often disastrous. Just my opinion, but it's not disloyal to want information from/contact with your birth family, because it's natural to be curious and adoption is actually really disruptive and traumatising. It is your choice, but there's no need to feel guilty for having those feelings and questions. Adoptive parents are often afraid that if an adoptee finds their birth family, that they'll be abandoned, which sometimes happens but often... doesn't. I think making the adopted person carry that fear is totally unfair, though.

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

I can relate a lot to the adoption issues - a-mum told me, as a child, that she would help find b-mum one day if I wanted to look. But the whole topic wasn't safe for me to bring up. I was in and out of foster care from 3 weeks to 2 years old, and my a-parents were my last set of foster carers because they decided to keep me, though b-mum was trying to get me back. Anyway, one day when I was maybe 3 or 4 (not yet adopted), I asked about my mum and dad and was literally raged at and called ungrateful, which was a huge shock. Who screams angrily at a really young kid trying to make sense of what was happening to them? They had a bio son, who at first was OK with me but as we grew up, mostly we hated each other. We get along fine now, but he barely wanted to know me when we were younger. I met an older sibling I didn't know I had when we were in our teens; then my a-dad chased them off without my knowledge, and he and mum pretended that this sibling had probably seen that I was settled and didn't want to upset that so had cut contact. It was very hurtful and I was pissed off at this sibling for years, because I didn't know what had happened but had really wanted to build a relationship with them, and potentially meet my mum, as they'd suggested we might be able to do when the time was right. Fast forward to two years ago, and I asked twice to see my adoption records and was blown off both times. So I got it all from social services. Unfortunately, to my devastation, mum had died before I could get back in touch. I know from my siblings that she loved me and wanted me back, and that I'm much more like her than a-mum. I have attachment issues as well; I never wanted to marry and all my romantic relationships have been short, stressful and often disastrous. Just my opinion, but it's not disloyal to want information from/contact with your birth family, because it's natural to be curious and adoption is actually really disruptive and traumatising. It is your choice, but there's no need to feel guilty for having those feelings and questions. Adoptive parents are often afraid that if an adoptee finds their birth family, that they'll be abandoned, which sometimes happens but often... doesn't. I think making the adopted person carry that fear is totally unfair, though.

[@magicvibesstudio]

@@ShintogaDeathAngel I am sorry you had to go through all that; very painful. I do appreciate your comment. I wish you peace, love & light xXx

[@markeelyons8060]

Hi

[@johnnyofast5924]

your videos always make me cry. im 62 and all the stuff from my childhood still burns inside of me, stuff i can never forget but wish i could. I never got the help i needed and I'm pretty sure I'll never be right.

[@nancybartley4610]

Sorry. I am 73 and it has taken the last few years to hammer home the truth. We have only one option as far as I can tell: to accept the truth. They didn't want us. Now the only one who can make up for this is you. Take care of you. Listen to you. Rejoice in you and what makes you you. Do not expect anyone else to do this. I know we will never fully succeed at this, but it is the only option. Either you give it your best or give up. I say show them how wrong they were and what they missed out on. Love yourself as you deserve.

[@johnnyofast5924]

@@nancybartley4610 but ive always known the truth. i knew it then and i know it now. thank you for the kind words, just got out of a toxic relationship and im really lost right now. I gave up long ago, I know i need to start trying again.

[@nancybartley4610]

@@johnnyofast5924 I only recently realized the truth Lisa outlines. My mom was not the slap you, verbally abuse you form of neglect which is a serious problem because it is the lack of something rather than the presence of abusive behavior. I did not meet my life partner until I was 44. Before that, not one relationship, just a series of indifferent people, the exact same relationship I had with my mom. Not at all ironic. But you can't see it for what it is when you are too caught up in it. When I finally, unbeknownst to my conscious self, gave up on going after emotionally unavailable people, real connection happened. It was weird. It was without drama. Was it perfect? No, because nothing ever is. But it was and has been darn near perfect. Maybe you need to stop "trying" and just be open and slow about giving. Or maybe give without expectation. Don't rush into the physical. I think we equate that with caring. Watch how they treat other people. Watch how other people treat them. Ask about their childhoods. Don' tie yourself down to one person until you know them. Of course, that is hard. Now you know how codependent I am. I want to solve your problem. You didn't ask for my advice. But.....

[@Rosalie-ct8mi]

@@johnnyofast5924 I am so sorry that you are feeling lost right now and you ended a toxic relationship! Actually that is a very good thing! When you are older it might be a bit more difficult to heal from narcissism, but it can be done! I did educate myself a lot about narcissism and I watched a lot of Lisa's video's and they have helped me "diagnose" what was happening in my family. I still did cry about this video as well as I recognized something Lisa was saying and I think every teardrop is healing. Just let the tears go out! I also ended a friendship with a covert narcissist. Until we recognize the signs of narcissism and emotional abuse and we can set our boundaries with them and start putting ourselves first, we can start our healing! Ps. I am 55 and I was 50 when I learnt about my mother being a narcissist and I think my father was very emotional neglectful and my sister is only interested in her life. I wish you all the best in life and wish you heal a from this toxic relationship soon!! You deserve to be loved, but it starts with loving yourself, put your needs first and set boundaries! I am sending you a big hug!

[@KastenBuleleng]

I realised at 65 Id never please my mother as she is a narc. I also realised I made myself sick over the years being anxious and trying to please. After my cancer diagnosis a friend said my relationship with my mum seemed toxic and that she was a narc...3.5 yrs on Im slowly learning and growing. I help my mum, I love her but I do not like her and Im practicing deflection and loving detachment. Things are getting better

[@cindyreeves5048]

I need this. Strife was CONSTANT in our home. I had no idea I had CPTSD. I didn’t know why I felt anxious. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Thank you Lisa. This is so good. I need to take your boundary course.

[@jessicaarlinekirby2648]

I am a child that literally passed out when I was very young my father would ghost me so I wouldn’t cry when left me… he was my hero where I was scared of my mother..

[@JanetPorter-wz1ek]

My parents treated me like scum. I have no friends. My sisters treated me like I am all wrong. I had so much mocked teachers. My teachers were treating me like scum. Very true I was a good actress to and I played pretend I was popular etc. All my working career I was made fun of. I asked friends who took pity on me. Oh I was a piece of crud to all I HAD INMY LIFE SIX GOOD GOOD FRIENDS. SOME COULD BE SOOO KIND TO me! I am 71. I live in an assisted living place where others are like me. I have left one super kind friend. I will never commit suicide attempts any more. Because one person has been so kind.

[@samreenasyed123]

Wow "pockets of pain" is such a good way of articulating that feeling

[@DustinRea]

I'm super objective about what's occurred in my life and I can't change it, but I am working with my own kids to break the cycle and give them a good upbringing. Truth is healing

[@Woodman-Spare-that-tree]

ALL the photos of me as a child, are of me crying. What kind of parent takes a photo of their child crying instead of trying to find out what is wrong?

[@catherinewholey3630]

Both parents were toxic. I recognise all these traits from both parents. I was alone all my childhood-even at school and am alone now as a 50 something but now its through choice.

[@sparklingloveandlight]

Samzies❤️❤️💞💞 🫂

[@nancygaffney8071]

I admire Your Bravery.

[@guppy0536]

Im 55 wandering if im going to survive it alone there is no one

[@ruthrose1000]

If you want your life to change, you absolutely have to go start doing things and being around people. Believe me I know how you feel. You have to simply start speaking positive things in the morning, sign up fir small things and go do it. The more you do, the easier it gets. It’s like pushing a mountain and full of anxiety, but start laughing at anxiety and tell it that it doesn’t control you.

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@ruthrose1000 I have to dumb myself down to be around most people. Otherwise they label me a "conspiracy nut"...no thanks. I'd rather be alone.

[@elliewegman1846]

Always vital info. My case violent dismissive narc mother. Dad saw peeps of this. He realised if he showed interest in me she would take it out on me behind his back. I really loved my Dad, but as a child i felt he was weak..

[@sandrawhitaker7978]

My brother hit me in the stomach so hard it made me cry. He was 4 yrs older and i looked up to him. My mom, instead of addressing his behavior, made fun of me, and told him to look at how he hurt me- she was smiling when she did that

[@shannongreer6194]

Sick

[@errolpippin6036]

I had a mother who was narcissistic,and was not there emotionally,and I'm taking care of her ,now that she has dementia,so I will never get my mother to be accountable for the pain she has caused me,I thank you for all that you do and the advise you give so freely.

[@aylinm.3589]

You just described my whole life. It's like every once in a while I get like extremely depressed and anxious (always had anxiety my whole life starting as a little girl) and then all those memories come up along with the feeling of being nothing but a complete burden. And then I figure it must still be because of my childhood. My dad always filmed us during our childhood and in almost every film you can see that I was always on edge, whenever I got criticized immediately I was about to cry (for me this was like being told I hate you) but I forced myself to smile and pretended as if that didn't bother me at all. Because I always felt bad for crying and acting up, being a nuisance. I felt like this was wrong. My mom was always working, and even though she was home, she was not. She was never interested in me and couldn't deal with my artistic side because for her art was nothing. I remember when I was crying and screaming and she locked me up in my room and told me "You will stay there until you have calmed down!" so after a while I just gave up. And when she heard nothing anymore, she unlocked the door and I swallowed all my grief and pride and apologized followed by "I love you Mami". So yeah all my life I've been trying to gain her approval and that of every other human being apparently. To this day I hide my struggles and "negative" feelings because I'm ashamed and afraid I'm being not normal and a burden on everyone. And whenever there's tension anywhere I panic and feel like it's my job to solve the issue and bring harmony. So yeah I've been thinking about all of that again. Thank you for the video, you hit the nail on the head, God bless you

[@brendathompson4939]

This was hard to watch, but was needed.

[@sunnyadams5842]

Lisa - You are still the Best. I've been roaming the Community and came back home, mixing you back in, a day or two ago and ya know what? I am happier. Sooo many relatable points! 🙂 Thanks

[@stuartpierce121]

Sad part is people tend to past down what they have seen. I do believe there is hope! Thanks Jennifer 😊

[@GeorgeLennon100]

A lot of the authors teachings here resonate with me. My father was truly checked out and my mother was the kind of person who would say, "If you're leg hurts don't walk on it". That was her in a nutshell. I was considered a sissy and too feminine as a boy in the 70s. My father would call me "sweet lips" and my mother would tell me that if I didn't get over being scared of going to school that she'd put me in a school for boys. I felt ignored and tolerated as a child because I wasn't as tough as my step brother. My step brother was the pet of the family because he was tough and would get in fights in school. My parents, especially my father were so cold to me over and over again. As I became an adult and turned 20 my father kicked me out of the house with no way of knowing how live on my own. I made it work because of my childhood resiliency. I'm in therapy and have come to forgive but never forget.

[@bellakrinkle9381]

Lisa is my FAV!

[@chocolateradiance7216]

My mom would nit pick with me, had and angry disposition and tone, didn't support me in any extra curricular activities at all and any time I asked for something she would scream at me or get an attitude. Til this day I hate asking her for anything and as a parent to me as an adult she doesn't participate. I never realized how disconnected she was to me as a teen and adult until I realized she didn't willingly spend time with me or plan stuff with me past the age of 12 years old. I stopped spending time with her too because she was very annoying and we always got into it. She was very controlling also and opinionated on stuff that was none of her business. She will not show up when I invite her to stuff with me and her grand kid's and when I would throw big parties for my kid's she would always fuss and ask why was I doing all that. I stopped planning stuff with her and stopped inviting her to my home too. She would also say negative stuff about me around my kid's when I wasn't home and get put out because I wasn't taking her disrespect. Now I am a giver to my kid's and love giving and doing for them however I have a tone issue and angry disposition also. It's a bad habit I got from my mother and I didn't realize my frustration shows up in my voice or even when I am not frustrated. My son would ask me why I look so angry. I have to admit I was a monster when they were young kid's too due to the stress and not being able to regulate my emotions. Now that I am older I try to work through my trauma even the trauma I have caused my kid's. I can be overly critical too not even realizing it. I don't know how to be gentle but I realize my mother can talk rough especially when she is angry. I am a very active parent due to my mother not being active and interested in my activities..I even have a hard time saying no to my kid's. I still struggle with my mom not being the type of parent I needed and need and my absentee father who I got to know later in my childhood but didn't miss out on much because he is very abusive physically, verbally, and mentally. I was so upset when I found out and couldn't understand why my mother would allow me to be around someone like that. His wife amd kid's were always walking on egg shells when I went to his home and now I understand why. My mom claim he didn't abuse her but that's a flat out lie from the pits of hell. She is so weird like who lies about stuff like that? She has always made rotten choices in men. She even married an alcoholic. Not a functioning alcoholic I mean a stand on the corner and drink all day you know this man is the neighborhood drunk alcoholic. I was a preteen to teen when this happened. Her family was horrified like who purposely marries a drunk? He was living with his parents for crying put loud and my mom had to be in her late 30's or early 40's.

[@matthewmoeller1225]

A very smart woman! Very good points made where i could identify with

[@cynthiagibson6793]

We were not allowed to show emotion of any kind.

[@streaming5332]

They can traumatise you without chaos in the house, without them fighting etc.

[@annberlin5811]

Neglect of girls can come from jealousy. Only time my mom paid attention to me is when i tried to look nice. Would get angry

[@jcm5171]

You make a very important point, Lisa, thank you for that. I so appreciate your work and videos which are absolutely great and so inspiring. You are undoubtedly helping more than you can imagine. I can testify to the fact that I did not know why I had suffered so until I hit 65 years old...I am now aware and understanding that my mother is a narcissistic parent who manipulated me my entire life. This is going on as we speak since she lives with me ... but at least I have begun an inexorable pulling away and healing process. I always knew something was terribly wrong but I was blind or rather blinded; they call this trauma bonding and trauma blindness. What a journey. I wish you all the best and God knows you, survivors, deserve the best ! And bless you, Lisa Romano, thank you so much! ❤

[@DustinRea]

My parents should have never had kids. It was irresponsible and in retrospect, they didn't do it out of love.

[@Star-dj1kw]

❤ excellent video. my heart goes out for the other commenters whose situation were so dire. My mother was loving and not abusive but should chose to suppress and deny unpleasant 🖤 emotions like sadness or anger. She could comfort me if I was hurt but when I told her I was depressed, her reaction was dismissive and she NEVER checked back in with me to see if I was better or worse ☹️. I know that’s a mild story compared to the others but there are probably many more people like me who didn’t feel seen by their parent when they really needed it, so I’ll leave this comment.

[@queenofkingsbury]

My mother was highly critical of us, my two older sisters and me. She often times seemed jealous. She would tell us of her childhood, her parents would take a two month trip to Europe and leave them in their apartment to fend for themselves all summer. 16, 10 and 8 years old. As if her emotional abuse and neglect towards us was any better.

[@Songe467]

my life imploded and spiraled out of control, forcing me to hunt for answers and face my problems. it wasn't a pleasant answer but a necessary one and the life I've managed the build ever since is so much stronger and I am so much happier and everything is improving by slow degrees and I know it's not going to fall apart the same way again. My life in no longer built on a house of cards, lies i've told myself, lies people have told me and the lies my parents taught me to believe.

[@jilross4892]

Or one parent keeps you hooked with money, which later becomes an instrument for blackmail.

[@CatherineBHopkins]

Oh yes I could talk for hours about that.

[@annem7806]

No emotion I had was valid.

[@Woodman-Spare-that-tree]

Yes !!!

[@captcuddlepuss]

Excellent stuff

[@jeannesmith3200]

Exactly! That's how I felt. If my mom thinks that, it's true, and everyone else will feel the same way

[@reesedaniel5835]

Hive minds (except for the Truth teller whom they hate and feel threatened by).

[@msigg2656]

Sadness was a weapon. Sharing why I was sad became a weapon to use against me forever in the future. To this day the partner who openly abused me is the only man my mother ever asks about... although I've told her time and again I broke off all contact with him, his family, and all mutual "friends" we had going on 25 years ago... she will try and turn a knife whenever I am doing well.

[@ladennayoung2939]

Yes. They teach baby boy's and young men not to express their true emotions.

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

I idealised the parent who worked at nights and I only got to see on the weekend. MY mother was overwhelmed and suffering from CPTSD. She couldn’t emotionally regulate and would lose her mind. He could emotionally regulate and she convinced us that we were bad children and because my father nearly died 3 times when I was small, she convinced us that if he knew how bad we were, it would kill him, making us responsible for his life and death. This means she enlisted us in keeping the abuse a secret. I think he was clueless … I think he thought she could be difficult but no more than that.

[@annettemarado3668]

My parents provided. Period.