13 signs of a Narcissistic Mother and how to deal with this | A Psychologist perspective

[@FiyahEmpress]

You are sooo accurate!!!! It took me many years, a lot of trauma , loss of self-worth, and trying to make sense of myself before I understood what she was. I had to unlearn many things to heal. I cannot have a relationship with her anymore.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Sorry to hear this and thanks for sharing your story.

[@TurtleHillTx]

@FiyahEmpress Unlearn is the key! It's extremely difficult to learn and unlearn at the same time! We must pray for God's wisdom to discern every move. The narc's and ours!

[@JustaLittleMystic]

MORE empathy after years of giving while being abused? No. Stop saying that to ppl. If you’re going to give a reason why we should understand this, and if that reason is going to be based around empathy, then it should be that we need to understand why our mothers are like this so that we can have empathy for OURSELVES (not her) and create better boundaries. They don’t deserve any more empathy than we’ve already given, and nobody is a sacrificial lamb for the altar of their wounded ego. They’ve had more than enough time to fix things. Why should we have to carry the burden of their lack of self-awareness and abuse, all in the name of empathy? That’s toxic. I wish more therapist understood the absolute devastation that these people caused in our lives and would stop asking us to consider their feelings when we just need information to be able to heal properly, not be made to feel like somehow we need to step up more than we already have. To those reading this comment just know that not everything is or needs to be forgivable. That doesn’t make you bitter. That makes you wise. And the best empathy you can give is empathy for yourself. Don’t let the professionals gaslight you simply because they try to be the both sides type of people. You don’t need to be both sides when you’re the one facing the abuse. protect yourself. And work to create boundaries based in your absolute deep and lovely worth and value.

[@marcamp5450]

Excellent response and complete truth. Empathy for oneself and compassion for the inner child is the way to health and freedom. ❤

[@TerraAnn44]

I love this comment. I wont play victim because I became very toxic myself but I chose to heal. My mother refuses to even admit she's is an issue.

[@bronwyntanner4501]

I don't care what my mother went through as a child. She put me through hell. Years of therapy and now no contact. She enjoyed all that hurt that she put me through.

[@asurawvlf]

thankyou

[@AA-iy4gm]

just FYI therapist Jerry Wise who has first hand experience with this has a ton of helpful videos here on YT This video here sounded like guilt tripping and apologetics, children of narcissist mothers are often too empathetic as is so this video is quite misplaced, people need help breaking away from traps, not being pushed into them again.

[@Ellifire]

My mom is pretty high in narcissistic traits, and is particularly good at gaslighting and triangulation. Until just recently no one talked about her behavior because it would lead to attacking within the family. Finally someone confirmed what I’ve been seeing my entire life and I broke down because I finally felt like I wasn’t crazy.

[@AntiMasonic93]

Yeah, my mother is the same way. My mother gaslights and tries to control me all the time. I try to limit my conversation with her.

[@TerraAnn44]

🙏❤

[@nandinigogoi2584]

I know how hard that it...Lots of love and hugs ...

[@kamjohne523]

It’s crazy how this is so spot on! Every single talking point described my mother to a tee. The low self esteem, the manipulation, the low emotional intelligence, the emotional immaturity, the seeking validation through going out of her way for people and resenting them later (including me, everything she does for me she throws in my face later), the constant negative talk about everyone and everything non-stop, the competing with other women and people in general..whew! When I tell you having a narcissistic mother is NO JOKE, it’s no joke. I won’t say my mother is 100% bad, but she’s a very difficult person to deal with, and my biggest fear is having kids of my own one day, and making them feel even a quarter of the negative ways she’s made me feel over the years. I really pray against this.

[@steventaylor3988]

Oh my gosh! I feel the same... I haven't had children for same or similar reasons. And even though I'm 45! I'm still questioning myself 😢

[@rosemaryzappia8367]

They don’t like it when you have boundaries and makes them angry

[@crystal.knightrwe]

I made it 13 minutes and 19 seconds into your video. I'm past caring about my mother's trauma in her life and what might of led up to her being a complete covert narcissist. I hope your video helps those that still can have a relationship with their mothers. But dear ones who are reading my comment, if your mother sees you as narcissistic supply and feels glee each and every time she has hurt you, manipulated the people in your life to your detriment, then your mother really is too harmful to you to spend your time in angst trying to understand her behavior. I was in that mode several years ago and it was the most stressing time for me. My freedom came when I woke up and realized that I had to break that very toxic, unloving, deceiving, unhealthy connection to my mother. Her intentions in my life were never good. Her intentions were to destroy me in every way possible. The moment that I severed that unhealthy connection is the moment that I could start the very long road to finding myself. God bless those that find help here. My focus is on healing and even though I understand that my mother is damaged and immature emotionally, I have no desire to understand her thinking, motivations, her damaged heart. I understand that she's damaged but to make her life's mission to damage me and control my life in every way possible is unforgiveable. I spend as little time as possible contemplating all the vile things that she has done. I have only written this comment to help those that may be where I was several years ago. If you're in complete disarray trying to figure out your mother and all her antics, you may be the narcissistic supply that is driving her life. Consider freeing yourself from that dynamic. God bless.

[@kimmathe6701]

Thank you. I am 62 I'm the oldest of 5 & devoted my entire life to seeking the love and approval of both parents... Through there addictions and emotional abuse they have created so much emotional distress and trauma. I have always forgiven her for her lies and slander and destroying my bonding with my siblings. The focus now is totally on myself to heal. I have chronic pain , fibromyalgia and a rare form of crippling arthritis. This video explains a lot about why the narcist is hurting and reasons why they abuse because they are hurting and have trauma history and they are unhealed. This doesn't take away from the damage they do to the scapegoat, target or victim. Yes, this is there shit and most project there resentment onto the scapegoat and they use there children in Soo many ways to get there needs met. My siblings and myself suffer greatly with mental health issues and physical health issues , addictions, low self worth , coedependency etc. As a child of a Narcistic mother it's affected every area of my life. Physically, emotionally , spiritually etc. I'm tired of meeting all her needs when she never met mine or my siblings. She had no love As survivors we have done nothing wrong we deserved love and respect and guidance.... Not envy , jealousy, rage, hatred , abuse etc etc.She knew exactly what she was doing .... The abuse was always to serve her needs and tear down her children s self worth and not knowing who to trust and having to parent yourself and learning healthy boundaries, and learning to love myself and respect myself and grieve over the loss of not having a loving mother or parents. The triangulation, hatred , gossip, lies , jealousy , her trauma should never ever be directed towards her children. I'm done with her!! No child should be treated abusively. It leaves scars and a lifetime of the victim having to heal. Thank God for my therapist. She's helped me see the truth and I'm still coming out of denial to accept that my mother hated me. And to be happy with my own life .... Without her .For she was never there for me.

[@sarahsmile8518]

Thank you for sharing your story! I spent MANY years in therapy just trying to deal with the damage my mother did to try to undo me! Finally, she died, and I still have nightmares that seem so real, like her ghost is still haunting me! I have become much stronger just having to grow up with a mother like her! I hope you the best!❤

[@wellitsawkward]

Amen. That around age 12 you gain awareness. They know what is right and wrong.

[@Mysasser1]

We are literally living the same life!😢😮

[@desiderata333]

I love you. Thank you so much for your post. I agree with you and this is where I am also. I spent 56 years trying to figure hey covert narcissist mother put and to have compassion, pure love and understanding for her and in 2020, I learned she had betrayed me in the most evil ways and I can't and will not have relationship with her now. I wish you abundant healing, love and happiness.

[@bronwyntanner4501]

My narcissistic mother emotionally abused me all my life. I have been no contact with her for 11 years. I don't care what she went through as a child. She enjoyed every single moment of my hurt and pain. I grew up in a toxic environment. I am kind and caring and loving and compassionate. She is none of those. I don't care what she went through. She was cruel and unkind - deliberately. No contact is the only way for me

[@mysterydiaz5302]

So similar here...

[@TurtleHillTx]

We should not be the ones to care about her past. Tried for over 70 years to fix her. There is absolutely no way that you and I could ever fill that God hole in her. She chose to be a freak. If that's the case, why didn't I just keep the chaos going! No! By depending on God and His loving grace, I have loving children and broke the curse.

[@QuinshunCarswell]

This^ We are NO longer excusing their behavior!

[@hightechpickers4365]

same here...not only did she abuse me for 40 years but she also abused my son. We're no-contact now and never looking back.

[@la6136]

Exactly we endured just as much abuse as our mothers if not more and everyone in this comment section still chose to be a better human than they did. On top of that they don't even WANT to grow or change.

[@agnieszkazurek2253]

I'm soooo fed up with taking perspective of my mother, haven't done anything else all my life. Vast majority of the criminals have had a traumatic life, but they are judged and punished anyway. A victim needs clarity to tidy up the mess in her/his head.

[@willbrichsoon]

My thoughts exactly

[@mysterydiaz5302]

Yessss!!! Victim needs clarity!!! without clarity. We can't name what happened to us and we can't heal. Clarity is the key.

[@AA-iy4gm]

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one from the comments. I'm only somewhat past the intro and it sounds like explaining away the narcissist mother's behavior and sounds like clinical apologetics on her behalf. People that have been raised by those kind of mothers are already most often quite empathetic, so this kind of messaging can come across as guilt tripping and lead them back into the trap that they're trying to break away from. It's so unfortunate when those with degrees do more damage than good. If you are interested in exploring the why behind it then title the video that way, don't lead people on and confuse them more.

[@MartaWyngaard]

I am not here to learn about her- she made me feel guilty all my life because her pain? Adults like my mother who had brains, money, opportunities, a loving enabler mother who did everything for her and cover and took care of any problem allowed my mother to stay an entitled teenager for the rest of her life and we, her five children had to take care of her shame and inadequacies for ever. Why we have to carry her pain, and insecurities? I am here to learn new tools to break the cycle, so the next generation in the family is free. …by the way, your CEO whatever made me uncomfortable, I could feel a narcissistic therapist giving advice…😢 really?

[@eduardvonheizenstein3969]

her CEO what?

[@mysterydiaz5302]

Yes, would like clarification to understand that​@@eduardvonheizenstein3969

[@dohahanae]

I can't express how much I resonate with the content of this video ! I've researched and watched many resources on "diificult" mother-daughter relationships, Your accuracy and expertize are unmatched !! I appreciate the nuanced examples and detailed explanations of behaviors, it helped me relate on a deeper level. For years, I've been on a quest to find effective strategies and approaches to navigate the relationship with my mother. Finding a sense of balance between self-preservation and my feelings of responsibility and guilt has been a constant struggle. This video gave me insights what I do wrong, what I should continue doing.Thank you for sharing such invaluable content ❤

[@dr.beckyspelman]

I’m so glad you found the video useful.

[@CplBaker]

I think you should frame this as "If you're going to deal with a Narcissist this is what to do" because otherwise it feels like you've made a 1 hour video on excusing their behavior to some people as you can see in the comments to the point where "it's not their fault" like they have no choice in the matter when they do. They know right from wrong and are able to choose not to go to therapy. It is also important for victims of Narcissists to be able to give a name to their problem and in-fact empowers people to seek recovery. It wasn't until I knew who my Mom was that I was able to start healing. I also think it's good Narcissism is a buzz word because we are in an epidemic of it seen through research (See: Prof. Sam Vaknin) and I can think of no time before now where Psychology was being taken seriously by the masses and to stop it would only reverse progress.

[@sujanm1046]

It can be helpful to understand how she became like that... but most important is to keep your distance to family members who harm you, and deeply understand that you are allowed to protect yourself and withdraw from hurting/ abusive/ neglectful relationships. Whatever caused their condition... they are as much responsible for dealing with it as you and everyone is!!! Some of these people just think they are intitled to do whatever they want and then blame what was done to them aka someone else for their harmful behaviour. Thats not an excuse. If they refuse to work on themselves (therapy....) it proves even more the narcissism. Run and safe yourself and dont wait for understanding or closure.

[@mysterydiaz5302]

They have small minds and small hearts. And maybe they're not even human.

[@tammybandy5000]

I’m living my life and see her from time to time. I face time here once or twice a week and she talks about herself the whole time. If she asks me about me and my family she goes back to her world.

[@BlueSky78683]

This video has got to be the most helpful video here on KZbin. You discussed everything so accurately, for example wehre you mention one minute they're fine, you think they're normal the next minute yelling, screaming, cursing and you're left wondering what just happened. Over what??Thanks for making this

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thanks so much, I’m so glad you found the video helpful, I wasn’t sure if an hour video would be too long to put out but so glad people are finding it useful.

[@BlueSky78683]

@@dr.beckyspelman not at all. It was well worth listening to it. I am thankful that with every case you explained the cause and effect and how to handle it. It made A LOT of sense. The question i am left with is now what 🙃… how do i handle the situation. Etc. draw a boundry and literally leave the house/area to avoid conflict. Bc staying indoors doesnt help. And i am a GROWN adult. Just now learning about this

[@Mysasser1]

​@@dr.beckyspelmanno, really thank you so much 🙏 ❤️

[@jahpuggie5]

Everyone has the option to change and work through their crap and be better or at least try-I did. My mother over 80 and still dishes out the snarky criticism, lies, triangulation with other family members etc.

[@mysterydiaz5302]

I think they don't change. I think they actually get worse.

[@Jannietime1]

This touched my heart which I badly needed. I was frozen in there. Thanks for triggering that pain to come up for me to feel. Feeling is healing. I've been an expert blocker of reality. I've been attending online meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families so I was open and ready to receive the truth. Thank you!

[@NadinePanici-zh4tp]

If I had this information while she was still alive...I have confronted her...no longer afraid of her. I finally understand why my brilliant sister became an addict and alcoholic and killed herself at 55. I on the other hand had no boundaries no self esteem no family no children. Observing her over my life proved to me to NEVER become a mother. I am 71 now. She died at 95. I was her full-time caretaker the last 5 years of her life. As she aged she became MEANER in private and SWEETER in public. She was manipulative, a consumate liar, emotionally abusive yet people LOVED her. No one believed me as we looked like the PERFECT family in public. She made sure of that. Yes she was the daughter of a Russian immigrant and grew up in the depression. But I do not care. I struggle everyday with unresolved anger. But the silver lining is I am the complete opposite of her althoug I look just like her. I am kind, generous, empathetic, compassionate and loving. I have no living family. Our God is my joy and salvation and my love is rescuing dogs. As the saying goes..." too soon dumb too late smart". Thank you for this video. I wish it had existed 50 years ago. Peace to all us survivors.😢

[@SpiritualTarotGoddess]

This is such a dark hole of healing w narc moms. Never any closer. Not many childhood memories............. Emotional neglect and sabotage at every big life turn.😢

[@taralilarose1]

Dr. Becky....i've been researching, reading and studying this topic since the day i discovered that my Mom had narcissistic traits and i must say that this video is absolutely one of the very best I've ever seen! Bravo! Well done!💕

[@SunnyDeeTee]

Many abusive husband's have also had traumatic childhoods. There's is no excuse for abusing others.

[@SnehaManjunath-f1z]

Im a mother and im watching this to see if i in any way have signs of a toxic parent

[@KJ-pu8dw]

My mother has all of these traits. I knew from about 13 y/o my mother was strange. But it was not until i was 37 i learned of narcissim. I am now 44 and focus mainly on my own mental health as i am the only person i can heal.

[@lisaborland6703]

I am 60 and just learning my mom was a narc

[@charityhodges1]

I have a very similar story as you❣️🥰

[@user-eq3eu9jy5h]

This video opened my eyes to so much... I learned that it's really not about forgiveness, it's about understanding. And for me, simply understanding the things that likely caused my mother to behave the way she does brought ME peace. I came to realize that my confusion about her behaviour created more frustration for me, which made her behaviour that much harder to deal with. After watching this video a few times it became easier to let go of most of the anger that was hurting me (yes, it hurt me even when I said I didn't care). I encourage others to try this approach as well. In my opinion the insight given in this video was absolutely invaluable. With all that said, I still keep her at arm's length (as do my siblings and all the grandkids) and will forevermore... for my sanity and that of my kids. Understanding is not forgiving or forgetting. There's just NO ROOM for toxicity in any of our lives, full stop.

[@mryan4719]

13:27 - 14:15 thank you so much for saying this so clearly and unequivocally. Hearing it is very healing for me, because I have lost it a few times with my mother, and it left me feeling so helpless and guilty. And it is so true that those moments when the anger becomes too much to contain is an ultimate experience of "hey! meet my emotional need!" and we know how that turns out.

[@kristen9827]

I understand most of this is caused from generational trauma and my mother was hurt too.. but as I see it she chooses to do nothing about it and indulge it to an extreme that is frightening. I will not do that and I’m intent on stopping this vicious “cycle”. I need to keep focus on me as I have a tendency to have too much empathy which gets me hurt.. I see my mother will never change at 70 years old. God knows we all begged her for years to get help.. before my father left her, and each one of her kids had to walk away for self preservation. Now she’s focused on destroying the grandkids.. Once these types decide to be “all in” sadly- there’s no coming back. I also know I NEED to avoid projecting my empathy upon her- as she has none- and that got my youngest daughter very hurt… I gave my mom another chance.. after listening to family members guilt me with the “but she’s your mother” talk… I gave her 1 more chance… what did she do? She came in and set out to destroy me by using my child. Evil. All of us that have to deal with this have to be so careful…! Keep it real! It’s very easy to slip back into the delusional thinking we were all forced to grow up with due to our narcissistic parent. I appreciate ur care and info tho..! 🙏🏻 educating the general public, family court systems, schools is so vitally important!!

[@CCaddy]

Most insight on the subject I have found on KZbin. But impressive the stressing of the stance of not to label in discussion and reminding people that these people are often trying and struggling. Nice humane reminder that everyone seeking information on this delicate topic need to remain aware they are humans too!

[@chocolatesugar4434]

Sometimes I feel like I can only be truly happy if she’s happy. Me being happy on my own, with my own achievements, doesn’t seem to make her happy. She’ll be a little flat and refocus attention back to her and her woes.

[@MicheleArbour]

That’s great for her. What about how she ruined our lives?

[@AzzahraAlivya]

exactly. this is what we came for.

[@Jannietime1]

We have to work through all the feelings (anger, rage, resentment) that come up as they arise and they will keep coming until you reach the deep hurt inside and release that. That will make you free.

[@msmanager2775]

Do people feel better when their Narc mother died? Cos I feel like that’s the only thing that’ll heal me ? I can’t excuse her behaviour because she treats me different to my brother . She knows what she’s doing .

[@Mysasser1]

​@@msmanager2775fun fact: your brother is a pawn in her game and doesn't know it. You will be able to see it when you step away. She will turn on him and they both will seek you out. They need you and they know you don't need them. It's wild!

[@msmanager2775]

@@Mysasser1 wow, amazes me how you know the dynamics in my family without even knowing the details! You’re so on the money , when i had very less contact with them ( read: when I stopped caring), my mother turned on him and especially on his wife. She would talk about his wife to me and their newly married tiffs and would say don’t tell your brother that I told you. I told my brother this once that we would’ve had a different relationship had it not been the selfishness of our mother. But I’m Not sure what he thinks as he is the same entitled so and so. But you’re too right , I don’t need them and never have all these years.

[@leighbirch1420]

This Lady is the best. This is the clearest understanding of a narcissistic mother I have come across!!!

[@RLifestyle453]

Its a very unfortunate curse in a family to have. It's a very great loss in life. It caused a great deal of fear and great impact on me in general.

[@mysterydiaz5302]

Well said ! It is a curse!!!. Emotional needs never met. She is vacant. She still cry's over the death of her mother and father. She acted close to her sisters but talked shit about them. Actually she complained about every one. Her friends and relatives.

[@Tutume1111]

After 19 years of not seeing each other I exchanged a few msgs with my mother last few days and gosh! The rage and pain resurfaced and its been horrendous...

[@FreeWorld288]

I am sorry. You might think after so much time something has changed. What a deception 😢. Same here after 2 years.

[@Tutume1111]

@FreeWorld288 thank you! I think the only time it won't affect us is when we fully accept what has happened and be at peace with that.Dont worry if that feeling never comes thou as some things are really difficult to heal from

[@RLifestyle453]

I haven't been to visit my mother in person I think last time was seven years ago when I tried that time and one or two times before that, tried a few times to let my sons meet or know their grandparents ...there are always large gaps of time in between trying this time more than ever and each time w it taking a lot, boatloads of courage. So I came back to visit, to stay for some weeks or a few months as I work online so can work from anywhere...she's now 81. And we were just about doing ok for around 5 weeks in...when one day I had received the volcanic eruption, the vitriol the venom the attack the launch at the jugular...and since then I've simply been paralyzed in fear. The trigger so scary and terrifying the panic inducing that it makes you beg to God, why do I have this such curse in my family? The control she so needs to yield that age over 50 monitoring what I eat, what I wear, how I spend my money....and the punishment every single time if I don't comply with how she sees fit is simply unreal. Everyone may have pain and suffering somewhere in their lives, and this is my version. The loops and patterns just don't stop!!! It's a set loop and set pattern that repeats and repeats and repeats...a literal hell on earth.

[@mysterydiaz5302]

@@Tutume1111 I finally accepted what happened. But now I struggle with anger with myself for not being able to see it and deal with it sooner I know that's not really exactly logical or helpful but🤷‍♀️ I believe scapegoat that's what I was sort of trained to do

[@PeacefulWarriorAmanda]

I appreciate your compassionate approach to this topic

[@sammisearle]

This was an incredibly helpful video, thank you for taking the time to explain things so well and with compassion

[@Nicolas_0456]

Hi Doctor Spelman! Very interesting topic! Thank you very much!

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thanks out of interest did you watch the whole video or just some of it?

[@Nicolas_0456]

I'm still watching it 🙂

[@dr.beckyspelman]

@@Nicolas_0456 thank you so much. That means so much to me that you watch my content 😊🙏

[@Nicolas_0456]

My goal is to watch the whole video 🙂

[@Nicolas_0456]

Talking about this topic is a very good idea. Thanks again!

[@findingmyhealing57]

Excellent video thank u for making it

[@theresamorello9892]

I once tried to insist that my evil narcissistic mother apologise for her cruelty towards me. She told me to stick my apology where the sun don’t shine.

[@IIIRorschachIII]

I wish my mother would go see someone. I have to walk on eggshells to live. A few minutes ago, I told her I wasn't feeling well & she started asking me to do things for her before I get fully sick which I of course did & got put down for it anyways. She's shown me empathy for anything. Now she's just angry at me & using the silent treatment. What am I supposed to apologize for this time? I always apologize to her because I love my mother & don't want to argue with her. I'm a stage 4 lung & liver cancer survivor. I have to stay with her, but I take care of the home, pay the bills, etc. This video 100% explained my mother. It's nice for someone to understand what I deal with. She had an abusive father. This video helps explain things.

[@Oonie-em6um]

really really good. I wish you the best of luck with your practice and online activities. Excellent and with a kindness.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Oh thank you, that’s very nice of you to say.

[@trevormeadows9276]

I have narcissistic parents. A mother and grandmother Never was allowed to do anything that I wanted to do. I'm thirty two years old still living in that hell.

[@DagNabbit-99]

Although I value the compassionate route here. This is too close to narcissistic sympathizing that keeps victims in abusive environments. Boundaries have to be rigid with narcissistic parents, you can't be wishy washy or sensitive to their needs because of their traumatic past. This is not safe advice for many narcissistic victims.

[@agnieszkazurek2253]

Exactly! And it feeds the illusion of having a good relationship with a narcissist.

[@Mysasser1]

Did you watch the whole video...

[@RED_RUBY_DA_SLEEZE]

😒😊👁👁 THANKS EVERYONE... I ALMOST WATCHED THIS. I AM A VICTIM OF ABUSE. FIXING HER CHILDHOOD TRAUMA IS HER RESPONSIBILITY. JUST LIKE I MUST HELP MYSELF & MY YOUNG ADULT SON WHO EXPERIENCED HER TOO & TRIANGULATED HIM. SHE JUST COSIGNED A NEW CAR FOR HIM 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ I GOT NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE ANYONE BUT MY SON 💔🤷🏾‍♀️ GOOD LUCK TO THE VICTIMS 💯

[@D-g9j]

💯💯💯💯

[@kaydavies8903]

It definitely helped me Becky. I thought it and you are super brilliant but my mother died four years ago. My life involved having tv music and phone grumbled out. Crying to get what she wants and this leaves me confused because I still feel.loyal but desperately want to dive in the swimming pool of life. Her problem was that she had a nervous breakdown because of the effects of WW2 in England. So thank you. I personally got what you were talking about. She cried openly at my.brothers wedding because she was jealous of his bride. But I'm getting there so thank you dear Becky. I'm.going to watch it through again xx

[@ΑθηναΜαυροειδη]

I just want to say thank you! You were clear and to the point... You gave pure knowledge! Now I understend so much better my mother.. Universe blessed you!✨

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thanks so much, I’m glad you found the video useful.

[@karolreyes2753]

Thank you for sharing your expertise. This video tends to victimize Narcissistic Mothers. I do understand they are victims and are damaged. I have been neglected all my life and am terrible tainted by my own mother. I could’ve chosen to be an extension of her and abused my children instead I chose to cut the cord and be what I wished she could have been to me. While I know we must extend grace I will not potty my mother as she constantly causes me pain and is the reason why my scars are so deep and painful. What about us the victims ! I am offended by this video…..

[@fineartlifestyling]

To a point you are right, but I think it’s only meant for some kids of narcissistic parents to be able to find some understanding of they wish to continue a relationship. It’s not possible for all of us. I also agree that not everyone who is traumatized because a psychopathic serial killer and not everyone who had a challenging childhood becomes a monster. We make choices. But I also agree that there are shades and degrees of this and with every generation the kids become better than their parents

[@stellar52]

We shouldn't protect these abusers by saying they had the same experiences we've had because of them. Narcissism is by at least 50% genetic and having one's needs not met or having been treated wrongly, doesn't get people traumatised

[@danielbridgewater3444]

Extremely helpful information. Thank you for sharing.

[@trevormeadows9276]

I'm autistic This is extremely eye-opening. I had no idea. I've been being gaslighted my entire life

[@robbytheartist3997]

Before I left my ex wife, she has a 12 year old autistic son. He took her side in everything. Absorbing all her unstable emotions. He eventually turned against me as I tried to help him understand what was going on between his mother and I as a way to help him cope and know we both still love him. Long story short, she alienated him from me. As time went by, he learned quick what she really was and he wanted to come back and live with me after the fact, but it was well to late for that. As his "stepfather" and not marriage to his mother anymore, he is stuck with her! I pray he makes it out alive. It's sad cuz she might lost him to CPS.

[@heide-raquelfuss5580]

😮😢

[@TurtleHillTx]

Years ago I thought, maybe I'm being too hard on her. Just maybe something happened when she was young to cause her personality to be toxic. I called my uncle and he said absolutely nothing did. Her problems all stem from being a spoiled brat. Never had to be accountable.Thus intitled and special!

[@eduardvonheizenstein3969]

I'm only 19 minutes in and you are exactly describing my mom

[@dr.beckyspelman]

I’m glad I managed to get the video accurate. Thanks for watching the video, I know it’s a long one.

[@dspirit444]

Thank you so much, I identified w almost 💯 percent of what you shared. And, you're so right, when you find out the truth it is soul shocking as you begin to put the pieces together.

[@Etherealvioletco]

Wow I’ve never watched a video this in depth and helpful thank you so much 🙏🏻 ❤

[@dr.beckyspelman]

@@Etherealvioletco I’m glad you found it interesting, thanks for watching.

[@lcmay2630]

I'm 21, and I've finally decided to move out and rent because my mum's the sorce of the majority of my mental anguish. It has taken a long time to see her for who she is. I'm going to begin my own journey soon, and I'm terrified and feel guilty. I love my mum, but I now need to do what is right for me, I'm lucky to have an experienced friend to help guide me through this.

[@Mysasser1]

Good! Don't look back. See will be fine.

[@AZ-zq7lx]

Great only video out there that helps you understand where it’s coming from

[@dr.beckyspelman]

@@AZ-zq7lx thanks so much that’s such nice feedback

[@nickthompson9485]

I just love your perspective on this subject i can totally relate to every scenario you are talking about great job lad always appreciate your kind and thoughtful wisdom keep up the great work you are helping so many people to heal 👍

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thank you, I’m glad you liked the video.

[@nickthompson9485]

@dr.beckyspelman what college did you study at you are a very intelligent and interesting person I like your style and vibe you are so nice and kind it's rare to meet someone like you for real

[@nickthompson9485]

How long have you lived in London for now 🤔 what cities do you like to visit when you visit the US have you ever been to the west coast where are you from originally

[@possumdelight]

There is so much victum mentality in the comments section here and all over KZbin. It's nice to see a video focused on understanding and problem solving instead of all the complaining.

[@susanlitton9963]

I can’t stand to be around my mother. I feel guilty and try to think of her as a person who happened to give me birth. It doesn’t seem rational the extent that she disturbs me. She is not verbally abusive but so self absorbed and always bringing attention to herself, attention she manufactures.

[@Hitmewithit]

Yes yes yes this exactly. Ditto

[@FreeWorld288]

Thank you so much. I've never come across a video which is that accurate. You're describing my mom. And I can understand her much better now and feel compassion. Though it seems to be to late for us. We had a huge fight. And i am mentally done with all of this. I have to take care of my daughter. I don't feel like being able to be envolved in that unhealthy relationship anymore. I cannot even contact my grandma. I'm exhausted. So much harm was done to my mental health.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Sorry to hear this. I’m glad my video was relevant. It’s a tough situation.,

[@scooterwoodley195]

Queen Bee Syndrome. Everything runs smoothly if she is the center of attention but as soon as anything enters her sphere that diverts attention from her, she starts to act immaturely to redirect the focus on her. This will include unimaginable cruelty to her spouse including excluding him from everything including family meals, special occasions and even being permitted to be in the same room with her and the rest of the family. She lacks humor and any ability to self-examine. She lies constantly to support her gaslighting. Anyone who challenges her is attacked and the people who are fearfully compliant are used as objects of triangulation against the person who challenges her. She often says out loud that as the woman of the house she is the most important member of the family and should be treated with unquestioned respect and care regardless of how irrational her demands. Her spouse has repelled increasingly over the years of verbal, physical, psychological and financial abuse and neglect. She is getting worse with age and she has become an alcoholic.

[@fineartlifestyling]

Do we have the same mothers?! 😆 I bet most of us kids are thinking this as we read the comments. You nailed it!

[@len1045678]

Less than a min into your video and you already discribe my mother in all 13 signs

[@s.a.m4482]

If calling a narcissistic mother a narcissist is distressing to them, what is abusing your child & grandchildren…👂🏾you got it…DISTRESSING! Asking the abused child to protect the abusive mother is BONKERS!!!

[@SecretB-p3j]

My mother has been pressuring my sister and I to give her grandchildren ever since my cousins started having babies and her sister is now a grandma. It’s been annoying to my sister and I, we are both planning on moving away in 2025 with our partners, so even if we do have children it will be miles away. This is what she gets for putting the pressure on us to change our entire lives just so she can have something she wants.

[@dawndiezwillis]

Painful and so accurate.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thank you, i’m glad my video resonated but I’m sorry that’s the case, thanks for watching.

[@gettingschooled3094]

This video is great. Very balanced and accurate

[@susanlitton9963]

Awesome talk.

[@steventaylor3988]

This was amazing and so insightful! Thank you. Although, it's a very complicated subject if it comes to close relatives, especially your mother. .. Thank you for explaining this not only from victim perspective

[@AdrienneS1970]

My mother is a narcissist and this explained it perfectly. She is a people pleaser but not for her family. Only for strangers. She always chose men over her children. Her husband hates kids and he married my mom who has 4. So we were all emotionally abused & bullied in childhood and still in adulthood. She left him twice. Not for her kids well-being though….she left him for another man both times. I’ve wanted to forgive her but she keeps doing it. Picks him over her kids knowing how badly he treated her kids. I just don’t know how to have a relationship with her.

[@keishaj1967]

My adoptive mother is a narcissist. Why she adopted me I dont know. Ive always felt that she was needy at a certain point in her life and as soon as that emotion passes she stopped trying to act like she cares about me. She & her sister put me down, they hated the thought that I looked like someone else’s family. Their family never accepted me, they called me weird. After all , all us adopted folks have to have something wrong with us right. She has tried to put my little girl against me by ltelling her lies about me. I warned my child that she was that way so she always knew her grandmother had issues. Nowadays my daughter cant stand her grandma. I have always felt obligated to take care of my mom because noone in the family will come near her with a 9’ pole. Up until recently my “mom” said she didnt like me and she wanted me return back to my house. I guess she was done using me. I am glad that the truth came out and finally admitted that she didn’t like me. Although I knew this all along.

[@goodmondayproduction]

Great video, this is 100% my mother.

[@valn.6584]

My Mother makes Mommy dearest look like Mrs. Brady! She was so incredibly cruel to me growing up. She had fits of rage and told me almost every day she should have aborted me like " they " told her. She would say it should have been you who died not your sister! My Grandparents moved in with us and had to raise me. I'm forever grateful they had. They were wonderful. Nevertheless, my Mother remarried, and had two sons with my step Father. He was abusive physically to me. I ended up leaving home at 15 and got married at 16. I'm still married 30 years later to my husband. But my God the baggage I had coming into my marriage. My Mother is now aging. I have had to put her in a Nursing home. I go up there everyday, I launder her clothes, make sure she has her snacks and her room is decorated nicely and clean. She is still self centered and criticizing. She still looks at me with contempt and disgust. But I have forgiven her. I have established my boundaries. I limit my time with her. If it wasn't for my Faith I don't think I would be able to continue to see her. But I know she had to have gone through something that made her this way. I don't believe we are born bad, bc we are made in God's image. I think our environment, circumstances, poverty, not being educated and abuse all contribute to who we become. We grew up poor. But just bc she had those things happen to her didn't give her the right to continue the abuse with me and my brothers. I stopped the cycle of abuse with me. I have a wonderful son who is married and I have my first grandchild now. I'm going to live my life taking care of my family as I always have. See, I have had to work on my trauma so I could learn to heal so I didn't bleed on those who didn't hurt me! I hope anyone who is going through this finds peace in Jesus bc he helped me so much, as well as cognitive behavioral therapy and support from friends and family. 🙏🏼❤️

[@fineartlifestyling]

So I agree that depending on what narcissistic spectrum mommy dearest lands on and only after years of psychological healing and processing trauma one can get onto the other side to get past the pain and anguish and to try to find the understanding and empathy for mom’s trauma. It took 4 no contact episodes during a 20 year period for me to finally be in a place where I can have some kind of relationship with her. It will always be one sided for the most party and superficial, but I can make it work. And when it takes a toll and exceeds my mental capacity and tests my patience I cute her off again.

[@dianawelles1726]

I have no relationship with my mother. I totally agree with the comment that I'm following after. She has been vicious towards me all my life and finally during our final conversation ever she went into a rage and told me to die screaming she told me this over and over die die die you piece of s***! Drug addicts need to die! Now mind you I've been sober and clean for decades and have worked very hard to have my sobriety and my peace and I didn't know until that last conversation that she really meant it. She wanted me dead and gone and she always has. I get it now. I am gone from her forever and ever and I do not feel any remorse. It is where my life began and my recovery truly started. I don't miss her I don't care about her and I don't give a s*** what happens anymore with her. She can put me down all she wants. I don't care. I tried to prove to her and show her that I was a good girl one worth knowing and appreciating and loving and she wouldn't have any part of it ever. So I am gone and my life is brand new. I surround myself with people who love me and care about me and want me to be happy and well. I don't try to chase down people anymore and make them see how good I can be for them. The second I am dist by anybody I am gone permanently from any future that might have been a possibility in my sites. I can truly say that I am happy with myself and who I am and who have been trying to prove all my life to the wrong people.

[@dreamer27-h8k]

Thank you. This was 👏

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thanks so much, really appreciate you watching it. Wasn’t sure how my audience would respond to such a long video 😊🙏

[@YouSoCute2000]

You are giving narcs too much credit. Its not my fault or my job to heal her traumas. She is an adult and aware of her actions, they can't never be held accountable...its better to walk away.

[@CosmicBoundArt]

ok so at the 18:06 mark, serious question. are there resources or tools to prevent the cycle continuing? books or like, ways to keep yourself in check? I have 5+ family members all with varying narcissistic traits. ANY family intereaction is like stepping into a minefeild. its exhausting

[@nickthompson9485]

My mother is a narc lol 😆 join the club 🤣

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Sorry to hear this

[@nickthompson9485]

@dr.beckyspelman thank you Becky my mother is also showing early signs of dementia which combined with narcissist traits makes her a real doozy you should do a topic for a video on mothers 👩 with dementia it's a terrible problem to have as I am an only child and have no one else to help me with her

[@chocolatesugar4434]

@@nickthompson9485I hope you’re looking after yourself ❤

[@nickthompson9485]

Thank you chocolate 🍫 sugar I appreciate you my mom has dementia as well so I'm just living the dream lol

[@Hitmewithit]

I also am wellbeing if that is what is going on with my mother since she’s been worse in her older years. I would love a video on this!

[@jensjourney7122]

At 53, yes 53. I finally walked away from my mother 7 months ago. It was bad enough the things she did to me but then she was nasty to 3 of my daughter's, especially the youngest. Every opportunity she got she was nasty to her making some sort of underhanded remark about anything. The final straw was when she didn't come to her graduation. I said bye Felicia and haven't talked to her since. Our lives have all been more peaceful ever since!

[@kimberlyjohnson-clark2886]

Oh my mother was very direct about what she wanted and when she wanted it. And if you said no there would be hell to pay.

[@Mysasser1]

I'm just going to send my mom this video.

[@mysterydiaz5302]

My guess ... She won't " get it". Good chance it will backfire on you

[@tinapearson8753]

If your saying that the covert narc mom "cares"if you cannot be around the abuse anymore ,she does not "care". She will take you for everything you have including your children and reverse discard . SHE does not give a care as long as she has taken you to the point of losing yourself completely she does not "care. So you should save yourself and get out seriously...

[@dominiquelafleur7420]

I have a 4 minute cap during conversations with my mom because she starts acting foolish at minute 5. Recently, she started a new way of acting up by cooking for the family when we are visiting but refuses to serve my kids food. She tells them ´wait for your mom’ meanwhile, serving my brother’s daughter. She pulled that 2x so now I’m done. Bye 4 minutes, just texts. It’s a horrible spirit to have around. I used to be the over people pleaser causing me to be exhausted! I’m healed from that now! I feel free

[@dr.beckyspelman]

@@dominiquelafleur7420 gosh your poor children being treated differently for no reason, that’s terrible.

[@dominiquelafleur7420]

Thank you replying 🤗! What’s worse is that we live in Canada and my parents live in New Jersey so we only see each other 2-3 times a year. It is terrible but at the same time, I use it as an opportunity to teach my kids that they do not have to accept toxic behaviour because their paternal grandmother treats them like gold.

[@mr.s2005]

yea...never buy anyone who seems to try to take accountability away from the individual. Plenty of people come from bad childhoods and still are able to have empathy. The Narcist I used to have to deal with, besides being adopted into a good family, had no issues growing up. When older, she ended up having two failed marriages that were both self-inflicted pains where she stuck with the guy as long as possible. The way she treated her kids, especially her daughter was 100% on her, not her past and her lousy choices in who she married.

[@TheBlingthing70sp]

My mom is emotionally immature so this helps a lot. Unfortunately it almost seems like we can’t remedy the situation. She won’t go to therapy or change.

[@heloisasa3715]

Omg thank you for this. ❤❤❤

[@stormyraehoover6665]

I agree with almost everything but what got me that I don't agree with at all is saying that it's not entirely her fault that she is not emotionally mature enough to be there for me the way a mother should be .. absolutely 1000% no this doesn't even have anything to do with a mother-daughter or parent-child relationship this is from one adult to the other if you are not mature enough to communicate in a healthy manner to a certain degree you actually need to go to therapy you need help. That is not something that other people should have to feel sorry for or have to avoid. That's lacking accountability

[@SpiritualTarotGoddess]

Please do many many more about narcissist moms!!!!!!!!!! Please ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@theirishfairy6281]

Great topic ! Actually I’m struggling with my Mam at the moment (tho she wouldn’t realise this). Could you do a topic on Mother jealous of daughter ? Thank you for everything - I love your channel. 🇮🇪💕

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Hi Irish fairy, I always remember you because you are also Irish. Thanks for watching again yes actually I spoke more about this in more detail on this video and then I edited it out in order to make the video more balanced for males. I might be able to release the clips that got edited out as a short video so you can see my extended thoughts on this. I’m sorry that you are struggling with your mother and it’s sad that she doesn’t realise, sending positive wishes in your direction.

[@theirishfairy6281]

@@dr.beckyspelman That would be fantastic. I’d be so interested to know your extended thoughts on that subject! I started watching your channel early on and subscribed because you are Irish, however - I stayed for the content and insight you provide . Particularly how you take very complex topics and make them easily understood. Again Thank you. Appreciate what you do. 🇮🇪✨💕

[@kikupafuss]

Note: A psychologist instructed by a solicitor under The Childrens Act to undertake a psychological assessment on a mother, will rarely diagnose the mother as a narcissist, regardless if she has scored high in the assessment. Narcissism is in a Family Court setting, really only reserved to the father, regardless if he has scored under the required threshold for a personality disorder.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

That’s probably true, but psychologists should be very careful before diagnosing anyone with NPD

[@AllisonWilkins-m9x]

Not accurate. My ex has high narcissistic traits. These were evidenced through proceedings. Whilst therapy was ordered, the issue of diagnosis was avoided.

[@JacquelineZLHall]

I always idealised my mother and saw her as a stoic in front of my fathers abusive/violent / alcoohilic self. However when i became a mother and needed help because myself in an abusive relationship, she really really deceived me. I realise i cannot have needs and musr managed everything inclusing abusive without a peep, or she devalued me and considers me to be weak. Anyways, so messed up. My parents cant handle my kids, they become very aggressive, because i raised my kids to refuse abuse and disrespect. Made me realise some things. Very distrubing to have to think of all this at 40 when you left home for good on the eve of your 18th bday and you followed your husband for his career back to your hometown. More traumatising now i think. It is horrible to live parental abuse when you r an adult and have children. Considering how my parents treat me in front of my kids, how can i have authority? They expose my children to abnormal communication. They have driven me crazy with anger and because of them my children have seen me extremely upset and yelling. I hate having such immature, irresponsible, egocentric, uncapable, useless parents to show my chidlren. My daughter cuddled me saying "poor mum", and wrote on a paper "i am sorry for what they did to you" when i didnt mention anything,she just observed and saw a lot of abnormality. Summer is over, i can take my distance again. Thank god. Next summer i wont expose myself as much

[@heide-raquelfuss5580]

I noticed...once the victim, you will be often the victim. Like someone who is raped or/and sexuallly groomed..., when adult...you also get easy sexually groomed, raped again and again. Men, some men for example seeck for women who smell like someone who went thru this allready. This men ( and women btw ) have a strong nose to choose certain types of women, etc. It also happens with all kind of abuse. Very painful.

[@tarasilver8591]

3mins in n u explained my mother like this video was based on studying her for 40 yrs but her chilhood is not to blame BPD n a malignant narcissist was pure hell growing up im 53 n it gets worse each day n more evil

[@mysterydiaz5302]

My NM is a covert narc. She was a great actress. She was attractive and for her everything was about looks....the kids, the house and where she went and with who. She repelled honest and genuine people... like my father and his family....and me. She walks around in a human body, but there's no humanity in her. I see it both through my angry eyes and for how pathetic it actually is for her. But I suppose as a sub human she cant even understand what real loving care and kindness is.

[@sassysays29]

Once she ruins your life she takes her mask off and smiles. Then you realize you were tricked, abused, used, and manipulated your whole life into thinking you didn't deserve to be treated better by anyone. Narc mothers belong in hell as far as im concerned

[@RLifestyle453]

They belong in hell Bcos they are obviously a representative for Shaytan Bcos this is not Godly in any way shape form

[@sarahcouture24]

I don't think my mom is a full blown NPD, but she definitely has some traits. Egocentric and emotionally immature is more accurate. But even so, my relationship with her is highly difficult. The victim playing, the failure to respond appropriately to my emotional needs, the inconsistency, the gaslighting, the lack of accountability is damn infuriating indeed. Despite the fact that she is the less narcissistic of my parents, my mothers guilt trips and manipulations and triangulations, smear campaigns etc are truly crazy making and rather intolerable. As much as I would like to improve my relationship with my mother, my mental health seems to improve the less interaction I have with her 😢

[@rhianarroya883]

Is it bad I feel guilty though for even considering she’s a narcissist i just don’t know what to do

[@artoflife22]

It hurts to realize that your mom has never put you first, but it’s liberating in the sense that you can stop trying to please her bc now you know she will NEVER give validation. This is freedom.

[@MarieNorth-bk1fu]

She doesn't call to ask how is your day? No...pick me up my "3rd pack of cigarettes"

[@heide-raquelfuss5580]

Most people have unhealthy behaviors, damaging others. It is sad. Alice Miller has books, who explains very good how you create all kind of humans, based on childhood experiences. I really wish people would read all her books.

[@TheMidnightdemon]

One of my parents is checking 90% of the points mentioned. The other parent is checking 90% of the points as well. Together they check 100% of all the 13 points mentioned X)

[@rosemaryzappia8367]

Spot on

[@dr.beckyspelman]

@@rosemaryzappia8367 I’m glad you think so but sorry you have experienced this.

[@nickthompson9485]

That couch 🛋 you are on looks so comfortable i bet it is very cozy to take an afternoon nap on those pillows look devine as well you sure have great taste in your decor

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Haha thank you it is a very cozy sofa.

[@nickthompson9485]

That couch 🛋 of yours is the perfect resting spot for a good 20 minute power nap atleast 😴 lol I always feel guilty taking naps but a good nap really does do the trick to recharge the batteries sometimes doesn't it 😴 take care becky

[@LittleYoki]

Omg my mom will have a problem something that she needs to fix and she’ll complain about it and talk about it for literally months. I’ll give her suggestions on things to do and she won’t take any of those suggestions until she hears it from a video on KZbin or from like a random person at the grocery store and then she’ll come home and be like oh I heard this great idea and it was something I told her about two months ago -.-