Nine Signs of the Narcissistic Mother | Mother-Daughter Relationships

[@d-nise6364]

People always say you only have one mother, but never take in consideration that you only have one life.

[@Cynthia-fs4vi]

Wow! Well said. Thank you for this.

[@thebigmanskeet6969]

Exactly, and we have the choice who to embrace as your family.

[@Tarotcooks]

👏👏👏

[@AW-yn1lf]

Exactly that's why you should fix your relationship with your mother!

[@lennybolt4450]

@@AW-yn1lf Not their responsibility to fix someone else.

[@RogueMarch]

My great grandmother was abused by her mom, then she abused my grandmother, who in turn abused my mom, who in turn abused me. It ends with me. One way or the other, it ends with me.

[@Texas.wildflower1]

♥️

[@alicesbeloved4109]

💝

[@Jo-lp1px]

AMEN

[@WonderfulWorldofAwesomeness]

Same. It’s why I decided not to have kids

[@lynnemacvean9665]

Good for you. I suspect the same thing in my family, although I only know for sure as far back as my grandmother. It did end with me. My kid isn't flawless but he's a great young man and he knows I love him.

[@charlottehanna790]

I grieve for the mother that I always wanted, and never had.

[@akitalady]

Yes. Whenever I see a mother and daughter interacting in a friendly, loving way, my gut twists, and once again I relieve the many emotional cuts I suffered at my mother's hands. Dr. Grande, watching your videos has given me the courage to seek counseling.

[@TinaLouise73]

Yes me too...it was their faults we are emotionally damaged not ours.Only we can heal ourselves and have nothing to do with the abusive mothers.x

[@stevenwaite5009]

I grieve for the daughrer...that..I always wanted.....and..never had... Boo hoo..

[@margotlochrin5002]

Grieving for the mother she want is part of accepting who she really was. And then letting her go from your life and moving on to a much free-er one. Speaking from experience. Good luck.

[@kimglass7492]

Me too!!!!

[@sarahhyde7643]

One of the best things about having a narcissistic mother is that it makes you realise who you do not want to be in life. You break the mould for the sake of your children ❤️

[@nataliemobley4679]

Me too.

[@tamifox]

You are so right. I remember being so young and saying to myself that I will never grow up to be like her or treat my kids like that.

[@magicalzhee]

This really resonates with me. You’re so not alone 💜

[@jmalin6359]

Same

[@LAJiini]

Me too!! I raised 4 children and was (am) very emotionally close to each, loved them very much, they are my world. My mothers world was her world. And destructive it was. I struggle with low self esteem. That’s always been a problem. But somehow I made it through (I’m 70) and normal happy life with 4 beautiful children.

[@runningsrage5895]

As a child/teen I was treated as a adult but as an adult I’m treated like a child.

[@mj7177]

Same here, so confusing

[@danica9237]

I’ve literally never related to something so badly before.

[@daniellewatson9969]

Yes Running's rage. It changes your soul in such a damaging way and I don't want to elaborate but I completely understand. God Bless and surround you with Love, contentment and reassurance. Any sort of abuse is NEVER A CHILD'S FAULT. Hugs from the Land Down Under, Danielle 🙏🌲❤️🕊️🇦🇺

[@daniellewatson9969]

@@danica9237 It changes you Danica, especially at such an influential age. ❤️🌲🕊️🇦🇺🙏

[@daniellewatson9969]

@kot w butach They're what you call Narcisist's. I'm 50 and wasn't even familiar with the word 4yrs ago. They're mentally ill and DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE. Peace my friend.🕊️♾️🇦🇺

[@elizabethbryan7601]

“After all I have done for you...”

[@heatherschaeffer4579]

Yes, heard this one about 1,000 times. I gave up everything f y I had to sacrifice my career to sit home to care f y. My life is over, she would say along w I want to go into a nursing home. Always, complaining

[@ambermiller3590]

Oh my god yes

[@jenniferirwin82]

They pull that line every time, don't they. Like pulling a rabbit out of a hat. lol

[@ginap5003]

And...’I’m your mother!’ Always when she was being a bitch and I was defending myself.

[@Maplesinvests]

@@ginap5003 literally the same!!

[@VintageVera]

My siblings try to shame me, telling me, "She's your mother no matter what and you need to respect her." I can't help but think, "What about her not respecting me?"

[@maryann_bekind]

Amen - absolutely

[@heartsmyfaceforever8140]

Respect isn’t owed, it’s something people have to earn.

[@crystalh2211]

I had to finally shut everyone out who said that narrative bc it was perpetuating the trauma of an abusive relationship. I look for other maternal figures in my life and practice reparenting myself to self validate myself with loving kindness. If people haven't walked in your shoes, don't listen to them. 💓🌺🙏

[@Nectarine333]

Yup, my siblings are and we’re brainwashed and took up for my mom

[@darknessseparated7465]

I’m sure you enjoy life like everybody else. You wouldn’t have life without both. Your dad and your mom. The claim of narcissist to a parent is done often by children, who simply want to calm the natural guilt for being a crappy son or daughter to the parent. Are there bad parents? Yes but a lot of whining by sons and daughters is just about being selfish and not want to bother.

[@marysifling279]

I am 73 years old. My mother is long dead. I was happy when she died. The narcissistic mother, at least in my case, is incredibly damaging to her offspring, both male and female. Even at my age, when I think of my mother, I am consumed with rage. This is one of your best commentaries. You have perfectly described the narcissistic mother.

[@kikimae1830]

At 73 your still consumed with rage? Lord I'm going through my mother is dying and has turned my oldest son against me only because I'm not there on her death bed. He is mad at me for not "caring". I have done everything to be close to her and she still tells lies and turns people against me. I'm at the point where I almost don't care that she is dying. I know that sounds so bad but idk anymore I'm tired of the hurt and confusing that goes along with her.

[@janinesmith369]

That is exactly how I feel. I wish I went no contact with her years ago, but I continued forgive her but she continued to manipulate , criticize and insult me. Even now near the inevitable the last communication her was with her continued outrageous allegations and hatred and un called for rage, bad mouthing , lies, etc.. Only God will deal with her and all the narcissists for eternity. And yes, mother made sure she turned everyone against me as well.

[@debc52]

What I learned was to look at them (the narcissists in my life) through God's eyes. They are also children of God and are loved by God. Perhaps I cannot love them because of what they have done to me and those I love, but I can demonstrate God's love for them. Doing this with my mother brought me reconciliation at the end of her life and great peace. I have found that they can't help being the way they are any more than someone who is bipolar or autistic. So you have to first protect yourself, second love them anyway, third work with, not against, the issue.

[@wendyladybug355laurie4]

@@kikimae1830 I Am So Sorry!!!!I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE WHEN THEY TURN EVERYONE AGAINST YOU & YOU HAVEN'T SAID A WORD ABOUT ANYTHING YOU WERE PUT THRU, SO ALL THEY KNOW IS FROM THE NARC & BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE THE HORRIBLE ONE!!!! KEEPING YOU IN MY PRAYERS'MANY PRAYERSNLUV 👼👼💝💝🙏🙏🕊️🕊️🌹🌹✝️✝️

[@janetpage8404]

My story is much the same as those already told here. But, both my parents would praise my brother and not even be able to say anything nice to me. Spent my life looking for approval from them which was not forthcoming. I did ask her on a couple of occasions why she even bothered to have me. Soul destroying. She would constantly say things to gaslight me then I'd get admonished for reacting! There was a comment earlier that said that the abuse stops with me. And, that's what I determined many years ago and as a result I have the most caring and living daughter relationship as a result. I was too embarrassed to tell people what was going on because at that time I wasn't aware of narcissist behaviour. The biggest disappointment was that none of the doctors picked up on it either! She stole my life and at 67 I lack the confidence in myself to know where to start. I also believed parents were supposed to have your best interests at heart and being a Christian it was left to me to figure out a way to navigate thru it until at 63 I had a message left on my answering service to immediately contact her otherwise she would "call the cops". It was on the weekend and I was at church. And, that's when I knew there was nothing more I could do. Thankfully my daughter decided to have a child and I left the state. Thank you for these videos as they give us back a morsel of hope.

[@upandenergy]

To everyone here seeking guidance, I'm sending you love for your healing.

[@brendacassidy5344]

You are here too 💜 Sending love and healing to you as well

[@leemartin9156]

Thank You for your kindness and generosity of spirit!🌠🌄

[@pogemon2191]

Thank you very much.

[@habibahdawodu5067]

😚

[@susansauls8902]

Very kind and giving of you. I hope you have complete healing as well. God bless you and all here.

[@TheAmtwhite]

My Mom definitely does the “makes every conversation about her”. No matter what problem I may be having, she’s had it, and much worse than me.

[@mrsyellow6857]

Same. It’s alway I suffered too or did you know it happen to me in the past too. Weird flex to compare trauma with your daughter mom.....

[@dawnmariebooher3269]

Yes, when I was still speaking to my mother... I could call her up and barely get out "hey, how are you Mama" before she took over the conversation. And she could then go on to talk for an hour or longer without letting me get a word in. In fact she would end the conversation without ever even asking or wondering (no self awareness) why I called in the first place. I could literally walk away from the call and come back 30min to an hour later and she is still talking and hasn't even realized I left. This was actually the first sign that I put together for myself when realizing my mother is a Narcissist. But she ticks all 9 boxes and then some.

[@thediscustedkitty6348]

This is THE. WORST.

[@donnablack6280]

So true. And the bigger problem is I know she's lying. eg: I was hospitalised with a kidney infection recently. Big mistake telling her! She's like "Oh I had that a while ago. Some of the worst pain I ever had." Wow, is this sympathy? Nahh.. "But I managed without seeing a doctor".

[@thediscustedkitty6348]

@@donnablack6280 Damn can't even be sick without her competing with you. I just had to ask my mom not to yell at me about being friends with my ex. I told her that I've been struggling with loneliness and don't have a therapist yet. She says I feel the same way. I'm thinking OMG WHY CANT YOU JUST SAY YOU'RE SORRY? ITS NOT ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL!

[@JJ-yr7po]

1. Diverting the conversation to themselves. 2. Competing with the daughter 3. Making the daughter feel as if the daughter is a burden and really should have never been born in the first place. 4. A failure to protect the daughter from another harmful individual 5. emotional unavailability 6. Being controlling and manipulative 7. the idea of a debt that cannot be repaid (My sacrifice cannot be repaid by the daughter) 8. giving approval or love as a reward 9. boundary violations Oh, my...do you know my mother? I suffer from the idea this never ends even if I died. I have not seen her for several years, but I can still hear her giggling voice. People easily say, "You will understand your mother as time goes by." As I get older, I get to realize how cruel and distorted she is.

[@Gritan721]

This is 100% my mother. Unfortunately there is no escape from her as I can't afford to live on my own.

[@BLane-xr1ic]

@@Gritan721 Learn to protect yourself and care less about them. You have to be selfish. When she starts, learn to talk to yourself in your head and tell yourself she is not right in the head and will never change. Nothing you say will change how she feels. Just say sorry you feel that way all the time. Never question yourself. Keep the peace until you can leave. I feel so bad for you. Dont become a people pleaser, be very careful who you choose for a relationship, you will be vulnerable to the wolves from a constant need to please.

[@backhome2652]

And infantisation of an adult child or children...how many people die and third parents are praised because of all the " care they gave " or " victimisation" they put up with ...God forgive the evil , evil people who are worse than most other murderers

[@shaycs1]

yep that's my mom and i'm in the daughter

[@eeaotly]

@Persona non grata She can't afford to live onher own. Therefore she can't afford counselling. Believe me, the best counsel she can ever receive is the key to a new house, a house of her own.

[@SuzkaMares]

This is 100% accurate. The narcissistic mother cannot ever approve of her daughter and wants her to feel bad about her life and anything she may have achieved. The narc mother is unable to accept when her daughter actually accomplishes something on her own and or follows her own dreams. Finding your own path in the world and developing true self esteem and confidence is vital! My heart goes out to anyone who is experiencing this relationship. It hurts, a lot.

[@MeMe-lx2jw]

My mother isn't satisfied until she has destroyed those around her, but specifically she's on a mission to end me. It's horrible and I hate to admit that it's worked to an extent because I didn't know any better. She's a manipulative psychopath that rejoiced (if she can feel joy) when I said doing x would mean losing my job so I wouldn't do it. She said, "Then do x!" Seriously.

[@bf6048]

She’s been dead 9 years. I still occasionally relive the pain.

[@renafrulla2027]

story of my life...

[@princessofgenovia1407]

It’s horrible

[@osiris8519]

So true but I don't hurt anymore. I know she's the one who lost a child who she invested in. This alone will EAT her up.

[@colepilovsky6258]

"how did this conversation even get here" is literally what I say every time my mother opens her mouth.

[@acwilliams1343]

Yes! In my mother’s world, if the topic of conversation isn’t her, then it’s not worth discussing.

[@chriscothron3606]

Hell yeah

[@جزائرية-م2س]

exactly !

[@butterfly7624]

Me too! One time I called my mom to tell her about how a doctor visit went when I got some not so good news. She ends the phone call with 'Thanks for checking up on me."

[@colepilovsky6258]

@@butterfly7624 I came out as lesbian when I was dating my now wife. my sister warned me that my coming out would somehow be made about my mother, but I just couldn't believe how it could. the conversation was immediately changed to how I was a horrible daughter for lying for 20 years about "being straight" even though I was not ready to come out previous to this because my mother had told me on numerous occasions that "no child of mine" would be gay. she screamed and berated me for an hour until my very quiet and timid father had to tell her to shut tf up. now if you ask her about it she says none of that ever happened, and that she has accepted from the start and has always known I was gay...

[@trinitygrace6843]

My mom always calls me an ungrateful child, and I’m literally an adult. She forced me to be an adult my whole life, and now she treats me like a child. All of these things are so relatable

[@emmalouie1663]

Narcissistic mothers don't do any proper parenting to children and somehow children are expected to be mature and self-sufficient and then yes the Narcissists also infantilize adults treating adults like incompetent children. It's terrible to have a Narcissistic mother, they basically have an undiagnosed handicap because they are not fit to be parents but most people can't see it. If only Narcissism was as obvious as hoarding is then maybe someone would intervene. My parents did not teach me to ride a bike, I didn't have a bike, they did not teach me to swim, they didn't teach me how to drive. They just didn't do anything. When it came to the parenting they would stare off into space blankly. It's not normal. Now my parents are aging and they have unrealistic hopes and fantasies that I am going to support them somehow. It's sad. My parents have abandoned me so many times. They've gaslighted and manipulated me so much. I'm depressed. I can not see a future at all. Whatever happens to them well it is the nest they made and they can lay in it.

[@TinyNerdlette]

Same here x2. I'm sorry you both had to deal with that.

[@successfulperson3304]

@@emmalouie1663 Wow you are spot on

[@tarawehry7105]

I’m sorry no mother what she is doing is unacceptable.

[@leah__gail]

Yep. 💯

[@cathy2387]

I realized recently that my mother is a narcissist and I was abandoned emotionally most of my life.

[@pagardener2953]

Ditto!

[@newmamaful]

You might want to check out Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward.

[@karengoldman3343]

all. all of your life. she wasn't there from the beginning...not with love. love is different from narcissistic approval used for their supply. we're all the same in here. how to go on without love from a mother...

[@dawnacoxon3111]

@@newmamaful What if they seem to love the siblings.

[@newmamaful]

@@dawnacoxon3111 True narcissists, sociopaths, etc don't love. They often treat people well for different reasons (to get supply, to use the person in various ways, etc.). I recommend reading The Sociopath Next Door. It talks about sociopaths, but you will find great similarities between narcissistic people and sociopaths. The book is an eye opener. We are not taught these things in school and what to look out for and we end up learning from experience and often paying a high price.

[@debc52]

I went from a narcissistic mother to a narcissistic husband. It wasn't until after 30 years of marriage when he walked out on me that I started to emerge from the cave of fear and self-doubt I had always lived in. 20 years on, I am at peace, with myself, with both of them and with God.

[@shelleyisntreal]

Just left a narcissist abusive relationship… it’s true we must attract them because of who we became from inherent narcissistic abuse from our mothers our whole life… Good for you for getting out! Remember no contact is the only way. (Some really good podcasts on all of this- worth checking out)

[@puma5471]

I hope I find peace one day cause at the moment I feel rage, thinking about my mother

[@sherrybonnema6688]

Same scenario for me 😢 Thank God I am free.

[@janethenny2058]

Same expérience

[@deepwaters7242]

My 7 year relationship with a narcissist was my subconscious attempt to heal my mama wounds. Once the veil of denial was lifted, I was hit like a truck by reality.

[@leen894]

With a narcissist mother and father, 80% of my inner dialogue wasn’t mine. It’s been a very difficult journey to weed out their lies from my own voice. 💔

[@elisamerva4911]

true.

[@ballulee6629]

Yes, I didn’t see how bad my life was until I went away for college

[@Candy-fe4sb]

I like how you worded that

[@m00nrac00n]

@@ballulee6629 THIS. You often dont notice until you spend time with people who are much more carefree, outgoing and happy. And you think "Oh, so thats actually how it should be ?" Its a sad awakening.

[@Catherine_Kate]

Wish you the very BEST ❤️

[@CombatSportsPhilosophy]

Honestly it just feels ok reading comments know that I’m not crazy because if I hear “but she’s your mom” one more time I’m gunna lose it🤦🏽‍♂️

[@CoolestRedHead]

Man!!!!!!!!

[@whoever6458]

Yep. Everyone screws up and there's certain no exemption for parents. If anything, it seems like becoming a parent opens people up to more opportunities to screw up. No human is at all above criticism, particularly when the criticism is simply true.

[@CombatSportsPhilosophy]

@@whoever6458 yea some people paint the narrative that it’s not ok to give up on your parents but truth be told you are free to give up on any individual that you aren’t collaborating with

[@whoever6458]

@@CombatSportsPhilosophy When I was in the fire department, a lot of us new people wanted to risk everything to save people but we learned that the right thing to do is to make sure that, while saving others, you don't become another victim in need of help. It's not that you don't care about the people in the situation but if there's a good chance trying to save them will cause you to suffer the same fate, more people will be saved if you rescue those who can be rescued. It's never black and white when you're fighting fire and I think it's even less so when you're talking about human relationships. Sometimes all you can do is wish people well when you can't save them but that means that you will be available to possibly save someone else. This is also something that is done is medicine, particularly when it comes to triage and it's never an easy decision but it's one that sometimes has to be made to save the most number of people. Life sucks like that.

[@AD-ve1jt]

True... Why was that nobody told the abusive parents long back dat... "they are your kids"... But always tell the kids dat..."they are your parents"

[@SweetBlackSistah]

Both of my parents should never have had kids to be honest.

[@cheetara639]

I can realise the lack of parenting skills from mine too 😢

[@MsNooneinparticular]

My dad didn't want any & had 4. Still bitches about having been "trapped" by both his wives, even though he was already married for years before having me, lol. Like get over it already. If you don't want kids, don't rely on the other person to use contraception. Wear a condom or get it snipped. My mom is the narc, btw. So one narc who wanted us & a bipolar nut who didn't. Whee! I wish there was a basic psychological/intellectual test required before people could bring a kid into the world. Or like a simple background check. Something. We have to pass a test to drive a car, get into college or immigrate to a country permanently... why not require a basic mental health check before allowing people to make the biggest decision of their lives?

[@rachelchiasson1767]

Same

[@loveahusky]

Ms. Sharon I wish they didn’t

[@alexiswinter6948]

Mine too. NM, all 9 markers. EF, know it all bully to his kids, coward with his wife. Killed my sister. Now I'm affraid for my own health.

[@sunshinegirl2208]

I've always had a chronic feeling of emptiness my whole life. I still do. My Mom did a number on my Mental well-being. I struggle to make sense of my childhood to this very day !!!

[@DevonExplorer]

I feel exactly the same, Sunshine Girl. I didn't even realise that my mum was a narcissist until this video, even though I've been learning about narcissism for many years now, and have had that same struggle to understand my childhood. It's made me mourn all over again but important to know that it wasn't me losing my mind I think. All the best. :)

[@sunshinegirl2208]

@@DevonExplorer Thank you. Wishing you the best also. Sorry you went through all that. It is hard to come to terms with.

[@scarasara]

Me too. I love my mom but when I was a kid she could be pretty crazy and as a kid I didn't understand what was going on. It kind of effed me up

[@puma5471]

I feel the same. I feel I’m unlovable. I’m alone even with so much love from my friends.

[@puma5471]

Sending you all much love! ❤

[@gertrudewest4535]

A narcissistic mother is not a mother. I went no contact with mine almost two years. Best decision of my life.

[@lisabowden402]

For sure!

[@lakeishaalston264]

Yes!!

[@shahidahgrant1720]

I'm about to do the same

[@jewell1956]

Amen to that!

[@jewell1956]

I call the person who gave birth to my by her legal name. She didn't earn the title of mother

[@mariewilliams194]

My mum is a bit narcissistic with a low iq and is easily frustrated and can lash out and be very abusive. She loves to gaslight and be very cold . She loves to act like she nice and perfect to other people.

[@Kendrasoreal]

Whew you just describe my mom

[@trinnysaysno]

Does she know my mom? Like do they have a book club and hang out, talk about narc shit to do to their kids? They sound like twins!

[@bostonostricki5031]

My mom should join that hang out too if there's a spot open

[@piercedprincess6669]

Wow that's my mom

[@lavenderscent2334]

You describe my dad lol

[@reallythere]

When KZbin is the therapy you can afford.

[@kathleenhansen4344]

😂 this is the realist shit I've seen today 🤣

[@ingridrevolorio1800]

😂

[@kategould4857]

Well, it is helpful to me but I have made enquiries to get the therapy I need. Should have done it years ago but didn't think I was deserving. To anyone struggling please don't wait like I did, you do deserve it I promise you.

[@Disneyfamiglia]

Yup! Guessing you’re also in the 🇺🇸?

[@jnaiwalker9245]

Literally 💯

[@karenhall7446]

I grew up as an Empath with a Narcissist mother and father! No wonder I felt so alone!

[@dadbod9776]

Be careful using the word Empath. We have empathy. There is no victimhood in that.

[@famouskate9071]

I understand completely, being an Empath with a very narcissistic mother. So grateful that my father was the best person I ever knew. That saved me, but he has passed and I still feel very alone. I am 63 and still trying to get my mother to care about me, how sick is that? Clearly, the person lecturing your use of the word Empath confuses it with simple empathy. They may mean well, but obviously don't know the difference. I am sorry for your childhood pain and I truly hope you have found peace. I am still searching.

[@famouskate9071]

@@dadbod9776 Empath and empathy are 2 different things.

[@deborahstaats922]

@@famouskate9071 my story exactly AND we are the same age!

[@healthandfitness2354]

Narc father is real pain in ass

[@morpheuszzz662]

Interesting. I never realized my mom was narcissistic. I just knew her love was conditional, she invaded my space as a child (esp. teenage years), controlled all aspects of my life, never apologized for anything, and used shame as a weapon. lol

[@Jusyna24071981]

+1 :(

[@joannmangieri7670]

Same situation

[@rowantic6539]

Same

[@encouragingword799]

I understand! I thought I was just inherently defective, my whole life.

[@morpheuszzz662]

@@encouragingword799 I can guarantee you are not inherently defective. 🥰 (It takes some time to believe that, though, doesn't it?)

[@carolynhopkinson8471]

My father’s favourite saying was “ Don’t upset your mother “ I thought it was because he didn’t like seeing her upset I now realise it was the complete opposite He didn’t want to deal with her rage and temper tantrums Xx I can now add this information to my last posting 2 months ago I moved over 300 miles away from my mother to begin a new life that didn’t involve her And honestly it’s the best decision I’ve ever made ,no longer do I have the weight of my childhood on my shoulders I’m 61yrs old and live on my own as I kept making bad choices in the men I choose and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been Xx

[@Pottawattamie]

Or wanted to protect you from it.

[@Pottawattamie]

@Amanda R Love/hate relationships are really narcissistic I think both battling for power over the other with the narcissistic partner more dominant obviously. Nothing you can do but get out of there and leave them to it or you can look at who is the narcissist and side with the other. They hide it in front of other people so you have to be smart with this do it so they don't realise it if that's possible.

[@Pottawattamie]

People don't really understand narcissistic rage but think about the saying IF looks could kill!

[@harrylutz7321]

I used to hear that too,as the crazy I called mom beat the h ll out of me,many times daddy would join in as they slammed my head into concrete flooring! Good times☹️

[@mialeonard1838]

@@harrylutz7321 omg nooo!!! Wtf is wrong with people

[@nomdeplume4543]

I am a retired clinical psychologist. Your discourse on narcissistic mothers was excellent.

[@christineturner9427]

This video blew the doors open for me. I lived with shame & blame and thinking I was nuts & an awful person for loathing but desperately needing my mother It all makes sense now & I no longer carry blame.

[@kaitlyntriplett4933]

it really does. ever since i started realizing it her words don’t carry as much weight anymore. i wasn’t home a lot in highschool bc it was so toxic. now i practically live at my boyfriends house cause i physically can’t be around her anymore. she sickens me

[@Me_di]

Same

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

9 signs of a narcissistic mother: 1. Diverting the conversation to themselves 2. Competing with the daughter 3. Mother makes the daughter feel she is a burden 4. Failure to protect daughter from another harmful individual 5. Emotional unavailability/the wrong kind of emotional availability 6. Being controlling and manipulative 7. Creating a sense of a debt that cannot be repaid because the mother sacrificed tremendously to have the daughter 8. Narcissistic mother gives conditional love/approval as a reward for doing what she wants. 9. Violation of daughter’s boundaries

[@angelwings7930]

My mom had all but one of those. She drank a lot, too. And really didn’t care about me. I don’t know what it’s like to have a close relationship with either a mother or a father although I did have both parents. There were positives I received from both of their personalities though, it added to my personality and habits. Wasn’t all bad. Despite all the issues. I wonder if that’s rare or not. I was mostly well taken care of (with some obvious, fairly bad mistakes in their part though) prior to age 11 or 12 when things really went downhill.

[@MetaPhysStore0770]

this 1000% my father ! ! !

[@jantelopez5626]

"Creating a sense of a debt that cannot be repaid because the mother sacrificed tremendously to have the daughter " -the reality is the exact opposite

[@lindsayschilling8707]

Sounds like my mother, the human woodchipper!

[@reddishsky8614]

Well, hi mom. Someone describes you here. . . :" this is definitely my mom everyone. Especially 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. she even seemed to dislike me because I took all of my dad's attention away from her. She never apologize as well. She said that she's such a great daughter and what bad things did she do to deserve treated "that way" by her own kids, every time she's angry with us. She also used silent treatment. We needed to be the one who beg for forgiveness. Every single time. As she grows older, she becomes a lot more controlling as well. That's why I decided to get out of her house when I've prepared myself to live alone and support myself financially.

[@marladell6091]

I realized that if my mother was a friend of mine, I would drop her like a hot potato!

[@gulcint3050]

probably as a friend, she would treat you better... :(

[@pjj9491]

thought that before...not someone I wouldve enjoyed living next to either...the whole family when i was a kid...i had a different dad and mustve took after him, plus stepwhatever beat me so i was pretty docile...but my incubator her husband and their 3 kids were mean loud rude demanding theiving conniving backstabbing.. she gave me up for adoption right after birth and then was able to take me back (ignorant judge) from these wonderful people at age 4ish to be nanny and maid....literally took care of a newborn while they went to bars.. evil narcissistic....

[@INNERACADEMIA]

Same

[@doresca1634]

Same here. I’ve also said the same about my brother’s partner. They are the people that would have been dropped as friends.

[@maryann_bekind]

@@gulcint3050 I don't think a narcissistic person is even capable of being a true friend to anyone. They see people only in terms of what they can use them for and if they can't benefit from the relationship it's disposal Examples are just look at the turn over at the highest level of our government in the last 4 years.

[@Soulvibesspeak]

I went zero contact. The mental and verbal abuse was to much. Healing and moving on is the best thing ever.

[@DrogoBaggins987]

Congratulations! No contact is the way to go. When I stood up for myself just a little bit and tried to define my space my narc parent went nuts and turned the whole family and family friends against me. I had to fold or cut my losses and walk away from all of them. It was like a Mel Gibson torture scene over nothing. I was going to contact some of my family who weren't so bad but I did some reading and learned about flying monkeys and stayed away. I didn't start out saying that I would never talk to any of them again but it has turned out to be the best thing I have ever done.

[@EyeWYT]

Thank you for a great video! From my personal experience, it has helped my healing process to distance myself from my narcissistic mother (limit my exposure) and set boundaries (which she hates!). 😂 But if I can’t avoid her - I try not to react. If she gets no reaction, she gains no satisfaction and will find someone new to inflict her mind games and torture.

[@jenniferloewenstein3538]

I don’t believe we can ever entirely “move on”. We can’t pretend away our past. I think that’s why we continue to struggle into old age. But at least we’re trying!

[@lisabfaber]

Me too, saving yourself is important once you finally understand a person is emotionally drowning you

[@mimi7434]

I am so scared of moving out and moving away. I am disabled with different illnesses sometimes it's not possible for me to get out of the bed. But I don't think I can continue to take this abuse anymore. I'm starting to not like her on the verge of hate. I can't keep going like this so I know I'm going to have to leave just afraid that if I do I'm going to need help and she unfortunately is the only help I have..

[@esotericsolitaire]

Diverting the conversation back to herself, competing with the daughter, making daughter feel like a burden, not defending the daughter, being emotionally unavailable and invalidating the daughter's emotions, blowing things daughter did out of proportion, needing for daughter to feel impressed by her, offering only conditional love, violating boundaries, and gossiping about daughter with judgment. Saw them all.

[@deborahgonzalezknight168]

Mine is vile. Flirts with my husband. Disgusting.

[@rosieleb32]

@@deborahgonzalezknight168yes, I think you might be right. She has no business doing that to you. Call her on it in jest but warn hubby when you plan to do it so he’s firmly on your team, you need that.

[@LittleChena]

I had a narcissistic mother. To break the circle I never had kids. I couldn’t take the risk to be like my mother. It was a hard decision and I feel often lonely but I know no one deserve to go through want I went through. I don’t believe that you really get healed from this kind of childhood.

[@ajcambern]

Me too, how could I not hurt a child when I'm so damaged? Abuse was all I knew. Not having kids was the most responsible thing I could do.

[@scientia49]

Male, but same here

[@paulaplantita8458]

I'm sorry for what you have been through. I wish someday you will find true peace and be truly happy. You are loved.

[@heather79100]

Me too

[@LittleChena]

Thanks you all for your kind response. Thankful I’m not alone.

[@IcyTheMediumKendrick]

I finally stopped trying to win or earn my mothers love! Oh the freedom! This curse ends through me. My daughter is a kind and beautiful Angel. I am honored To be your mom Vanessa 💋

[@corrijackson]

I learned to late in life

[@ChildofGod2890]

Me too and I minimized contact with her. I feel more peaceful.

[@bobbyneal8913]

Tm- I learned mom was top of the chain, as I grew up and Became a nurse. I reasoned that I could te raise my inner little girl. My relationship with my own daughter is really great and I feel a lot better about myself and my own journey. The toxicity and denial was taken by Mom's dementia. My daughter and I are very close and mutually respectful. It's a blessing from God.

[@pennypixie1085]

I always take care of my mother like buying her food and making sure she’s okay. Well for Mother’s Day she didn’t even as much as call me. My mother is a piece of work. I always wanted a loving mother and I think the lack played a huge role in my life unfortunately 😞.

[@tj2004i]

👏👏

[@luciem5372]

I was 61 before I realized I loved my mother more than she ever loved me.

[@danielem0007]

i was almost 65

[@ecb1979]

Just remember that this is not either of your fault 💕

[@The_Grim_Feeder]

I'm 33 and have realized 💔 very painful

[@melissaammeter9112]

😞😞😞🤍

[@nancidavis5887]

I was 50..... WOW.

[@lilyamongbrambles4458]

One of the worst things about this is accepting that my mother is like this and that no amount of trying to reason with her about her behavior will change anything. I keep naively hoping that she will understand that her behavior is extremely damaging and she will stop because she is wasting her life being miserable and making others miserable in the process. It is endlessly depressing and frustrating.

[@melindatimpf7737]

Agreed, I can relate.

[@Omneyvdwatering]

I have tried this for about 20 years. All the time i thought it was me. I was the problem. I said the wrong words. I did the wrong things. I just didn't do enough. Didn't work hard enough, wasn't nice enough. Now i understand that it's not her not understanding. She understands and than dismisses it because she could never be the problem. it must be me, who's clearly lazy!

[@lilyamongbrambles4458]

@@Omneyvdwatering I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I feel like such a fool because I also married a narcissistic man (he is the covert type, so not as easy to tell at the beginning that something was really wrong) and between my mother and my ex husband they have seriously damaged my emotional and mental health. I am just leaning on God for healing and support because I no longer trust anyone. The comments section of videos like these is truly the only place I've found any understanding from others as to how horrible this kind of abuse is. And it truly is abuse. I will be praying for you dearest.

[@Jcapps342]

My life exactly mirrors yours.

[@Victoria-cm1yo]

I think they don’t feel miserable. If they would, they regretted it and felt sad. I was there a lot, for years hoping for the better. Everytime I forgave, she did something worse. It just got worse and worse with aging too! So I cut contact and that’s how I “dealt” with it. My life is truly better now. I don’t blame her, I didn’t have to forgive her, because her behaviour is caused by a serious illness. Life is just better now. I accepted it and this is what it is.

[@T.Rex33]

I'm 60 years old and I'm still dealing with the damage my narcissist mother caused.

[@jabbermocky4520]

If she is still living and you remain in contact with her the abuse will continue. They only get nastier and more desperate as they age and face inevitable death. I have survived severe narcissistic abuse, too, which started from infancy and continues as long as I allow the disordered mother to invade my life. She is 83 now and absolutely out of control at the holidays. Sadistic people never change. Take care of yourself, please.

[@amanitamuscaria7500]

65 and still dealing....sigh

[@loribrown9204]

I too am 60yrs old and have been no contact for 4mos now. Will be in therapy for major depressive disorder for a long time but still best time of my life!

[@Kittiesdawn]

T. Rex ..same here...she wrecked me..been housebound for 30 years from the trauma. Took my life away.

[@susanrhodes5681]

56 and went no contact 30 years ago. Probably spent 100K on therapy over the years. She not only allowed all family members to abuse me sexually. She did all the other thing mentioned in this vid. I found forgiving was the best thing I could do. I was crushed when she died at 84 realizing, we would never have a full discussion of what she did to damage me. My therapist that does family counseling he's in his early 60's said he has never heard a story like mine. These wicked people thrive on their devastating effects. To heal is the BEST response because it takes away their power!

[@heidiocain5526]

I'm almost 60. I recently brought up to my Mother some cruel things I remembered from my childhood. She denied them, told the rest of the relatives I was making up lies about her, and then she said "I don't have a daughter anymore. Goodbye Forever!" Thank You for your Videos and your succinct explanations. I knew she could be mean but I didn't know why. Now I do. Thank you.

[@Laura-tp8wz]

I’m so sorry. I recently tried to talk to my mom about some feelings and she shut me down immediately and said “not to start things” and “she has anxiety and it upsets her”. I tried years ago to talk to her however she did the same thing. So my therapist said to try again. I did and I never will again. Bless all who have to deal with these issues from their parents or grown children.

[@mistleto3899]

I’m 54 and had the same type conversation with my mother about 6 months ago. She told me I was ‘telling stories’, that the things I said never happened and if I said one more word, I will damage the ‘relationship’ beyond repair.

[@heidiocain5526]

@@mistleto3899 I did not expect the reaction that I got. She still has not acknowledged that she was cruel- though she uses cruel means even today to "get what she wants" e.g. she has not spoken a word to me in almost three years because I will not denounce what I said about her beating me (In the meantime she Has No Daughter, and interferes in all attempts to contact

[@babebabebabebabebabebabebabe]

Mine denied too. Says I’m lying. Got pissed with me. I’m 50. We don’t talk much nowadays, only really superficial things when I have to go visit my parents. My dad is on her side, he is also a crazy one.

[@twigbird6058]

Mum would say to me wish you were never born...now as an adult I'm not her daughter,, don't exist...just walk away..she may be our Mother but we do not deserve to be abused emotionally.

[@cecedubois5147]

I recognize and have experienced all of these. She capped it off by saying, "Don't you dare grow up and go to some counselor and blame me for all your problems." That told me she knew exactly what she was doing. And she did it anyway.

[@annaeverette8960]

I think mine got legitimately scared when I began seeing a therapist -- I was suddenly able to do things she would normally instantly forbid (sleepovers etc).

[@OliiGANNEL]

😭😭😭😭

[@morpheuszzz662]

Because again, with narcissists it is all about them. How dare we even think of making them look bad; right? "What will people say?"

[@andersonpd1207]

I had forgotten it until years later, probably because of the drinking. At 10 my parents divorced and my mom's side was into bootlegging whiskey, then liquor stores so I started drinking at 10 and was a sad friendless drunk by 15. I didn't have friends my age for many reasons but mostly because after the divorce my mom used me as bait to grab a new husband, and I in my naiveté thought this was normal and my mom was just my best, (smarter, prettier) friend. Within the year she said at a huge family Christmas dinner she and Rayford were getting married. I was 11 and this was the first I heard of it. When we got back to our home I asked her why she and dad couldn't stay together and well that pissed her off that I didn't realize dad was never around ( he provided well and worked 60-70 hours a week). I said why do you have to marry Rayford? She snidely said because I like sex and don't want to be the town slut. I crossed my arms as tears welled up in my eyes and I said then I'm never getting married. She looked at me very hateful and said "No, you'll probably just shack up with the first guy that will have you". I went to my room crying, but I never cried again even when she or Rayford would beat the hell out of me I would just turn and look at them and say something like "are you done?" or "is that all?' and walk off. I'm 58 now, I never even heard the word narcissist until probably in my 30s, I was in 2 abusive marriages and haven't even dated since 2009. I hope this doesn't sound stupid, but I think my mom is a narcissist. I used to think it was me, that I was stupid and not that attractive, but now looking back I think she is either just hates me or she is a narcissist.

[@Nectarine333]

Mine said the same thing to me

[@marcellaandrews8642]

Thank you. I only learned about this in my 50’s. The mother passed in her mid 90’s about 7 years ago. Thankfully I moved 3000 miles away at 21. I managed to learn how to fake being normal long ago. I am very good at it. But here I am in my 70th year and still feeling ashamed of my existence. I have been alone my whole life. And very good at that too. I feel for all of us. Sigh….

[@puma5471]

So sorry Marcella, please you are not alone. I’m only learning to trust now in my 40s. I confronted my mother this past week and today. A wall

[@Gremory70]

Hmm...alone, as in no friends like me? My mother controlled me and I came to understand that she was a narcissist in my 30s. She never encouraged for me to have any friends when I was growing up. Actually, she told me that she was my friend, and for many years I believed it. She spoke poorly about my friends, when I had some in high school. Anyhow, the sad part is that I realized as with some women who choose husbands who are like their fathers, I had the horrible knack of finding female friends like her. I am in my early fifties now, and have no friends.

[@lilyamongbrambles4458]

@@Gremory70 Same here- early fifties and no friends. Hard to trust when we have been abused and let down so much by those closest to us. I am leaning on God to help me heal from this and to pick up the pieces of my life.

[@NegativeMass85]

Holy cow, this sounds like my story! I'm in my 50s and only just recently started realizing my mother has very strong narc traits -- many of them adeptly described in this video. Like you, I moved 6,000 miles away, aged 27, when I married the first man who'd have me. Predictably, it didn't work out but I have two sons and I'm glad they didn't have to grow up with my mom around. She can be fun at times, but she would have decimated their self-esteem like she obliterated mine. Horrible to look back on the train wreck of your life and realize it didn't need to be like this -- and wonder who you might have been if you'd been loved and respected as a child.

[@cc967]

I also was in my 50’s before it dawned on me my mother was a narcissist. (I’m in my 60’s.) My mother is 92 and has a wicked tongue. I haven’t had the courage to go no contact and now, my sister is my mother 2.0, so I feel this will never end.

[@ButterBallTheOpossum]

Both my parents are narcissistic and I didn't notice until adulthood that neither of them ever apologized FOR ANYTHING EVER. Not one time my entire life! Anyone else experience this.

[@Tygafttf]

And the thing is they probably never apologized to anyone else in their lives too like ask them to name one instance, they cant

[@anailic3677]

Oh, yeah....

[@annmariemazzotta2495]

My son and his wife both narsasist they control my poor grand kids I am suffering so much, I don’t know what to do, they are 5 and half and I see the sign and of abuse ,my granddaughter was scratching her arm one of my visit and I ask her why she is doing that, I notice that the girl is an emphatic and mother and father narsasist please help me with ur advice .

[@munchiekins]

@@annmariemazzotta2495 maybe you can find family therapy so at least a professional can assess what is going on and will have the resources to help you

[@kathleenmorrison8450]

Yes, me too!

[@Lauren-ub7ih]

My mother. I asked her to come to one of my therapy sessions with me so that we could work on our relationship, and her immediate response was "What did you tell your therapist about me?"

[@newmamaful]

You might want to check out Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward

[@sophiasophista6609]

yeah, that would be my mother. or what are the neighbours going to think about me. "Dont cry that loud, what are the neighbours going to say"

[@TheRenegadeStarr]

I think that’s a sign that your therapy is for you, not for both of you.

[@homesetup506]

I’m sorry ❤️

[@xKandytheFolt]

Holy shit my mom always says something similar when I mention having had a therapy session or seen my ally (a trusted adult, around her age)."Did you tell them how horrible I am? That I'm a bad mom?" etc.

[@Jinkun2702]

Jeez, I'm looking through the comment section and I could've written most of these comments. So sad to think there are so many people struggling with this.

[@agataa.5871]

Go to reddit and type r/ raisedbynascissists . There are millions

[@mermaidmoon8967]

My mother would always say she couldn't wait until I got older so I too could see how miserable it was to age, etc etc. When my mom called for my 40th bday, she said, "so how does it feel to be old and gray now? Now you know how I feel!" It was almost like she was gloating at the fact that I was in fact getting older and couldn't wait to try to rub it in my face. I've grown so much in my confidence and self-awareness over the years to reflect back on my childhood and all I could do was see right through her attempt to try to hurt me. I honestly just feel sad she feels she has to tear me down to make herself feel better.

[@loubatts]

i hear ya, mine said i'd get paid back when i had kids of my own. that's how she ended her arguments many a time, you'll know what it's like , when you have kids of your own. it always sounded like a curse coming. i would say, i'm not having any. i never did.

[@octaviahh8774]

​@@loubattsmy mother said the same thing! And she was disappointed when it didn't happen.

[@auralangst6177]

This closely describes the "final straw" that lead to me going no contact. I had started taking iron tablets and told my mother that I felt "like a spring chicken". My mother leaned in closer to me to look me up and down, scrutinizing my signs of ageing, then laughed in my face. Why is it so important for her to make me feel bad about ageing? Why does that set off her happy brain chemicals?

[@TheRealLarissa]

Wow, she calls you on your birthday? Mine can't even do that. I think it reminds her of her own age.

[@Venus-bb7cd]

I broke contact with my narcissistic mother several years ago when she started treating one of my children the way she treated me growing up. I had enough. I instantly realized that it was more painful to have some kind of relationship with her than none at all. I don't miss her or regret my decision. I am at peace with it.

[@oceanstate8182]

Venus Kile yes. I did the exact same thing! Goes us!

[@churchtroll]

they are sick. They absolutely will either scapegoat your children or use them against you. No Contact. No guilt.

[@urbansetter1]

@ChooseLife I cut ties 3 yrs ago. Also much more painful to be in contact rather then not

[@katiehunt3083]

Venus Kile almost 20 years from me. I will never regret thinking of my own well being.

[@pmf026]

I'm going through discard phase.. devastated af.

[@anomalousoddity]

"To acknowledge that the mother, perhaps through no fault of her own, failed you as the daughter. And in essence, failed you in the worst possible way. By making you think it was your fault." I wish I could articulate how important hearing that is for so many people. Thank you so much for everything you do Doc, you really make this stuff accessible and human. And you validate us.

[@saraivargas9199]

You have no idea how much I needed to hear him say those words

[@rogerramjet6429]

It's not just a mother- daughter thing. I'm the oldest son, and my crap started before I was in school and didn't end till I was 41. I'm now 52.

[@bereal6590]

Yes absolutely. ... I could have forgiven if only there had been any snippet of empathy introspection understanding and being able to talk it through... Instead any attempt labels me as a bad person and ungrateful and how they struggled. I wasn't trying to blame... I just wanted closure, yet I will only get that now one way. It's the ultimate last hurtful weapon

[@Jimmytimmy1111]

I am in tears right now . Im 36 and for the first time my experience makes sense. Thank you

[@pookiepookie8669]

I'm so sorry for you. It's so hard, especially when you first realize WHAT WAS GOING ON THE WHOLE TIME. The child always blames themself. It wasn't your fault! Find a good counselor, group therapy. I tried to sever ties with my mother and she threatened to sue me! That was back in the '90's. It was really hard at first because I was so emeshed and co-dependent. But I'm free now - it was the best thing I ever did. Don't miss her in the slightest now. Take care of yourself Emma Rose. But remember to get your favorite recipes before you get out of the relationship! God, I so miss a couple things my mother used to cook.

[@janedoe9317]

When I found out what my mom was, I was excited to have finally "solved" her. But I feel like I've been so brainwashed that I keep doubting that she REALLY is a narcissist. Sometimes I ask my (adult) daughter if my mom is a narcissist. She assures me she is.

[@ashleyjennings596]

Me 2 ! Also 36. I've literally just realized how badly I need help to over come the terrible issues and im going to start finding it!

[@jessicascricco5978]

I'm just realizing all this at 37

[@vikkat]

I was 33 when I started to grasp it, and it took a year of intensive, every day group therapy. I was hurting myself since I was 8 and continued well into my teens, had frequent panic attacks, couldn't sleep, developed irrational phobias and fears, entered a string of unhealthy relationships, couldn't function at work... and I still didn't get it, and couldn't bring myself to blame my mother or acknowledge that she failed me. Talking about it, crying about it and receiving sympathy brought me immense relief. Even writing this gives me relief. The worst thing you can do is bottle it in.

[@riandebrouwer1818]

“Counceling…………To build confidence in the validity of their own feelings.” That’s exactly what my therapist helped me to do. Great advice!

[@alexasaltz4229]

I love her and I hate her. I think about her every day. No contact 15 years ago. Frustrating to accept I will never be validated, vindicated, or loved. The hole in my soul goes really deep. I survive.

[@thereporter3690]

thanks for posting this i dont feel alone

[@ILOVEMYTEDDYBEAR01]

This is my first year of closing lines of communication between myself and my mother and all I've gotten was criticism from my other family members. I still have panic attacks every day and I'm so manic and depressed I feel like I'm loosing my touch with reality. The PTSD from dark situations that traumatized me, I still have to live with.....yet I still catch myself wanting to talk to her...know how shes doing even though she never gave me the same line of thinking. I have gained my strength to distance myself from her through my extremely understanding partner. They keep me grounded and make me see value in myself. I hope you have found peace and know that you are strong!

[@jacydyer5489]

Preach it sister. I'm in tears! My Mother/Monster ruined my life up until now. This is all that I needed to know. Finding out that a word (narcissism) that I've only used in joking with people is the name of the condition that has plagued my life's relationships, has given me the validation that I've been seeking since childhood, regarding the mentally ill people (narcissists) who were surrounding me. I just found out that narcissism was the actual term for my mother's condition. I recently sincerely asked God to help me find out why I still can't take care of myself at my age. Then a few days ago, after I broke up with a major lying and manipulative asshole, I decided to look at videos on women being fed up. I liked a particular one and the content creator had another video on narcissism. The word had been coming up around me on TV and in conversations, like it's gained recent popularity in my own reality. I had been wondering, before we broke up, if the guy that I was recently seeing would fit the definition of a narcissist, and I kept telling myself that I was going to look up the definition. I didn't until I had already broken up with him last Friday, and ended up watching that video on narcissism that I mentioned earlier. As you can guess, he turned out to be the definition of a narcissist. Then, after I consumed that first video, followed by about 50 more videos on narcissism in relationships, I thought about the deep insecurity involved and immediately wondered if my mother was a female narcissist. She passed with flying colors of course, but I finally understood that I was right , when I was a child, regarding my mother feeling powerless and dominating me to feel powerful. It also, explained to me how I became so helpless when I have so many talents and do so much self work and self introspection. It's a condition that affects the children of narcissistic parents called learned helplessness. I have struggled with this heartbreak for years. Never having people really listen when I was telling them that I was being abused and then sometimes the people (family) would defend my mom's actions, And, after really big blow ups between my mom and I, certain family members would talk to me about how hurt my mom was by the things that I'd said to her in defense of myself during one of her rage-outs. Nobody listened and so I was stuck with this crazy person who no one would go against even though they some would secretly give me advice like, "you know how your mama is, just stay quiet and let her fuss", but I couldn't take listening to my mom's fantasies. She was always projecting things onto me that she suspected were happening because I actually stopped sharing my life with her from a young age, once I realized that she was "dumb", "crazy", and "only cares about what people think." Now, I know that I was right. I now realize that most of the people in my family are narcissists and that even I have narcissistic tendencies. I've done years of Spiritual work due to my own personal fears, and the one question that I could never answer was why do I know that I have talent and ability but I can't continually support myself. Now, I know why I've never been able to get it together and why after 2 narcissistic boyfriends, how I could have possibly attracted a third. It's because my neuronet is literally wired to connect love to narcissistic behaviors. The love of my mother told me that I'd never be good enough and that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough. This is why I am an approval junkie that cannot set clear boundaries when I am being mistreated in relationships unless I stay well connected to God and constantly check in on my feelings, until I can organize my energy to get past another narcissistic episode.

[@Tricia-xo6fq]

Jacy Dyer I really feel for you. Joyce Mayors has some God inspired books that could provide the answers to your healing. What you have written is so relatable. Now we are older we, with the help of Christ Jesus can be our parents. Be to yourself the Mother you always wanted for yourself.

[@peculiarstar5778]

45 years...yeah, survival is the priority. you will survive despite the mess called family.

[@hermionepink96]

My life makes so much sense now. My mother is 100% narcasstic. I've felt crazy for a long time. It all makes sense now.

[@jackiep5009]

This is my story too. At 40 yeara old someone suggested I look into NPD with regards to my troubles with my mo.. it was a huge lightbulb moment.

[@jessimar74]

I realized this about my mother when I was 44. This realization happened overnight and I'm very grateful for it because I finally started healing and I no longer felt a victim, constantly trying to get her love and approval. Now I know she's wrong and I feel empowered and finally about to move out of her house.

[@katiec6828]

I remember how empowering it was for me when I realized my mom was a narcissist. It was truly life changing and gave me the tools/confidence to deal with her in a much healthier way!

[@justanamerican3007]

At almost 55 and looking forward to meeting my mother in court next year because she is suing me…..I am finally realizing our relationship was toxic. I lived in a different state for over 2 decades and only connected over the phone. I invited her to come live with me so I could care for her in her old age. Day three we were transported back to our childhood behaviors…..me avoiding and hiding, her attacking, shaming, guilting, passive aggressiveness, extreme neediness, constant craziness and tension. When she gave her ultimatum and attacked my grown daughter and forced me to choose between them……I chose no contact. Now she is suing me. But these last 2 weeks I have finally realized I am not the crazy one.

[@tabularasa3269]

My mother may have been a victim to it from my Nan. From what I understand a person may in fact be crazy while living through stuff like that and may be left with a degree of crazy and pain. I don't know if people can truly overcome it, obviously it varies in degree. I don't know how much is due to her own temperament and how much is due to her upbringing, but she's not in a good way.

[@mandiestkngs]

Putting a daughter down in front of others... Felt this one in every fiber of my being. You bet it causes problems. Resentment, poor self esteem, fear.. I could go on and on. Just makes me angry writing this.

[@SumAnonymousAcapella]

They tend to put you down to make them feel better. I always say i would rather a stranger tear me down, Than a mom. Because a mom is not supposed to be that way.

[@pin82win8]

Same! Public Humiliation is my Mother's best skill. Stuffing down the anger just creates blow ups, and addressing the situation causes extreme drama. Can't win.

[@mf3518]

:( sams

[@candylove49]

Romanticide SAME WITH ME! I literally cater to her every desire, and rarely if ever told her no; while my brother treats her like crap and does nothing.

[@nesadcruz7840]

Romanticide Is your Bro the Golden child? Sounds like you are the Scapegoat

[@peggygallagher5802]

This really hit me! I work in Mental Health. I'm 58 and still struggling with my Narcissistic Mother...it's extremely difficult.

[@nikicarrie4071]

It is . I wish we had a place we could all live in a safe community 🙏🏽 together ❤️ and love each other

[@Platinum907]

I wouldn’t deal with her.

[@jcc6789]

What do u keep contact with such toxicity?

[@bluetulisia3]

Mine died last summer. I'm healing.

[@nobodymatters3294]

Reading these comments were therapeutic. It is comforting to know you are not alone in this cruel world. I hope everyone a peaceful loving journey. May you heal and be given strength from the universe.

[@holistichippie7851]

Thank you ❤️

[@drose1526]

Mom could do a lot to me, but she never destroyed my faith in God. Believe in Christ, and it makes all the difference. He is the only one we can trust.

[@nobodymatters3294]

@Judy G are you seriously mocking me sending blessings to people hurting from their heart and soul? You need to find Jesus or some kind of core values. I wish you the best to find light where only darkness lays

[@osirisgonzalez714]

This is why I don’t believe in religion just the universe 🌎✨

[@nicoler3219]

I lost a 24 years old daughter to brain tumor and my mother never called to see how we were doing but when she passed away in 2017 she wanted to tell me my condolences but I did not wanted to talk to her 😭😭😭😭

[@brittanybubeck529]

It’s probably one of the hardest things to deal with. Wanting to have a relationship with your mother, but knowing you can’t because you’ll end up feeling bad about yourself. Trying to learn to accept the relationship for what it is. Hope everyone else on here is healing and taking back their lives and making them better 🙏🏼

[@calebamore]

Yes God bless

[@korie4198]

I agree. I recently had to cut off contact with my mother again. Our relationship will never be healthy because I am too empathic and she wants to feed off of me. It's sad and disappointing but I know I'm better off.

[@bonniedunbar6717]

I needed to be loved but am alone.

[@brittanybubeck529]

Bonnie Dunbar I feel that 100%. I was alone and still am, but now I enjoy every bit of it. I had to learn how to heal and love myself, it was a journey but the best one I’ve ever been on. I just realized I focused on wanting to attain that love and be treated how I thought a mother should treat a child, instead of accepting that she can only love me the way she knows how. I hope you can love yourself the way you’re meant to be loved and if you ever need to talk I try to come on here every few days. Sending you all the love and sweetness you deserve.

[@bonniedunbar6717]

Brittany Bubeck Thank you. You are very sweet!

[@kated3165]

My mother: ''The ONLY mistake I made in all of my life was having children! I gave ALL my dreams up to raise you! HA! I can't wait for you to have kids of your own so I can watch them ruin your life!!!'' .....Also my mother: ''What do you mean you're never giving me any grand-kids???!!! *EPIC SHOCK*

[@javierlandry7246]

SO MUCH ME!! Blaming for existing and blaiming for not making her a grandma😲

[@marloh967]

Omg thats me I made the decision to not have kids after hearing about how horrible it was to raise me. And how horrible my kids will be and how I almost killed her in child birth and nobody in the world had labor as bad as her and at same time I get guilt trip she never have grand kid. Ohhhh if she did u can't call her grandmother because that sounds old. It got to be noni. Omg never having kids so she can't throw in my face that I'm a bad mother I'd go crazy Cray for sure if had to listen to it.

[@amandalee714]

Kate D daaaaamn sounds just like my mother

[@oompaloompa9139]

Oh my apparently there are quite a few of those types out there. WHY are their children, oops i mean victims, being silenced? Where's a mother's day card and movie for THAT type of a freak?

[@QCDoggies]

Same here, exactly!

[@margaretcolegrove5122]

I walked away from my mother, sister and all family 3 years ago. I started pulling away when I finally had a normal relationship with an incredible man who showed me I have value! And my value isn't tied to what I can do for anyone. Just being me...I had always believed that I am just bad, that I no matter how hard I tried I truly was a burden and had ruined my families lives. I lived my life trying to make up for it, doing anything I could to attone for being such a burden. I walked away when I had my daughter and she was in the neonatal intensive care unit. I just wanted my mom to call me and tell me everything thing was gonna be alright. But I was reminded that I had yelled at her and couldn't expect her to be my mom when I treated her like that. My daughter is turning 4 in October and my mom never met her. She passed away just before Thanksgiving 2021 and though I tried multiple time to set boundaries so we could be a family, we never had a relationship again. My heart breaks for the little girl I was wondering why not me why am Iso bad. The 19 year old that got married just so I could have a baby who would love me. I am so grateful that I was able to get through this and have found a incredible man who jumped through all my hoops, and boundaries any triggers, to help me heal. He showed me how I should be loved. And I'm doing everything I can to not be her. To love my Children the right way! God has a plan and we survived this for a reason. I love and miss my mom. She had her demons (severe child abuse from birth to removal at age 3) and I am slowly finding forgiveness for us both.

[@MsVitamin97]

I remember telling my mom I was depressed when I was a teen and wanted to maybe start talking to someone. She told me I had nothing to be depressed about because I didn’t have bills to pay, children to raise or a job. But we just moved states and I was in a new school no friends and dealing with bullies. What she said will probably stay with me for a life time.

[@ZYX84]

🌸🪁🌺

[@xomariah93]

My mom does that to me as well

[@jcepri]

Gotta love "Whataboutmeism" I once shared that I had suicidal thoughts many years ago. The first words out of my mother's mouth? "Well I have problems around here and I need your help." Years later I trained myself to ask this question before I talk with either of my parents: "Do I need anything from them? (money, praise, approval, etc.) If the answer was yes, I wouldn't call or visit.

[@_how_arethey1official818]

My mom does such things too, sometimes i hate myself for not hating her. Everytime we have guests at our house she talks about how "lazy" and "ungrateful" i am and she always plays the victim. Even my grandma believes her , when i try to talk to her about it she doesn't listen, why? Because i am a child, a stupid little child that doesn't know anything about the world or even their own life. Not only that, she thinks my dad IS the narcisisst, what's the difference between him and her? My father talks to me, buys me and my siblings gifts/snaks sometimes, cares about my and my siblings' well being, makes sure we are happy, and is in no way strict. My mother? she abuses me( in all ways), manipulates me into thinking i am always wrong, plays the victim in front of other people. What happened to me? I feel very insecure about my body and every move, i feel like everyone is judging me the way she does. Edit: she started treating me nice lately, hope fully it will stay like that

[@Sunnyd222]

Wow. This is the exact problem I had when I was in high school. Glad to know I’m not crazy and alone 😞

[@candeezymarie9827]

This is me and my mothers relationship. She can't stand when I'm doing okay or happy. She also never allows me to not be okay either. It's always about her. Always.

[@emmalouie1663]

My mother has been nagging me a lot, when I finally flip out and tell her that I've been dealing with serious depression and anxiety then she stares straight ahead silently and won't make eye contact with me. It's very rare that she looks at my face or looks at me in the eyes. They don't really look for cues to see how the other person is doing. There isn't even a recognition or acknowledgement barely that the other person is there. Yeah neither of my parents and any concern about me being happy when I was a kid. Friends or neighbors would sometimes say something like to my parents and my parents would just say "she is fine" "she is strong" that is always what they would say like I was some kind of unbreakable piece of disposable plastic.

[@pheneriagonzalez1650]

Omg my ex said his mother is the same way he is about to flip he said one day just don't know

[@jenh6247]

My mom hopes that I have problems. It’s exhausting

[@judyd1898]

My mom enjoys it when I’m miserable. I never hear from her when life is going well. She ignores my kids and never asks about them. She discarded my grandparents when they were no longer of any use to her. Everything was always my fault as a child and that has continued through adulthood. She enjoys embarrassing me or reminding me of all my mistakes. As a child I didn’t understand why she was so mean and cold to me. On top of that she was abusive. If you ever bring anything up she will lie and say it never happened. My older sister is the same exact way. I grew up surrounded by narcissists. I spent a lot of time by myself in my room listening to music growing up. It was my escape from the insanity. I have worked hard to be nothing like her. I show my kids love and affection. Tell them they can do anything they put their mind to. She has helped me become a better mother.

[@unleashingpotential-psycho9433]

Having a narcissistic mother is definitely a challenging childhood to get over 🤔

[@anonymousanomaly9538]

I think the only real challenge is not understanding due to gaslighting. Once awake, DONE. Done playing games.

[@meera2531]

@@anonymousanomaly9538 I agree...it helps to have a good other parent and good healthy friends and extended family. But it can still take a long time to realise, especially for children of covert narcs and the pain of bad relationships due to its unhealthy shadow until one does can be tough. Saddest is for the golden children I think who don't quite get why their family is kind of broken.

[@Spaceseeker]

Problem is the challenge isn't over when you are an adult. I am 56 and still have little peace from my mother.

[@meera2531]

@@Spaceseeker please try these tips... 1. Go low contact and emotionally detach. 2. Learn to stop giving fuel to the narcissist. Fuel means paying any heed/ attention, giving any emotional reaction/ response, rescuing them for small things, making decisions in any way related to their actions or words or in some way to spite them or placate them, or dulling one's own shine to accommodate them and not trigger their insecurities or rage etc. Also keeping the children divided gives them much Narcissistic supply/ fuel, so one must be open to reconciling with siblings, but not chase them and keep one's self respect, unless they're Narcissistic then don't bother. 3. We need to make them irrelevant in our lives. That's the best response. 4. It's important to know, nourish and live one's truth. It's important to realise they are broken, unhappy and disordered people. They do not even love themselves. 5. It's important to learn to self-love, self-trust, self-value, self-approve, self-care, self-protect and self-define. The first and second point are the most important for peace of mind. Go low contact, emotionally detach and stop giving fuel. And don't beat yourself up about not realizing these things earlier. NPD was officially academically documented only in 1980.

[@meera2531]

@Ben Hackett from a spiritual perspective a soul can never be damaged. And also from a soul perspective Narcissistic abuse is our karmic challenge to overcome to learn karmic lessons for our own development and growth. It's a choice... Anything done by another can be damaging if we allow someone else to have such power over us.

[@dmykala1]

After all these years of my life, finally someone explains it simply and hits the nail on the head what I went through in my family; what I have tried to make sense out of, and move past. It's painful. Especially when you know you're not the only one, yet you feel alone in the process.

[@Malaya880]

Omg you hit the nail on the head : it’s so great to know you are not alone, but yet we feel so freaking alone (and for me crazy) in the process. Thanks for sharing.

[@JoSanOng]

I screamed in my room when I found out I got a distinction for my Masters. Mom came in and asked what's wrong. I told her and she just scoffed saying "Oh I thought something had happened" and walked out.. Yup.. I patted myself on the shoulder...

[@CAMarg-zs1xq]

I am proud of you!!!! That's amazing!

[@aleksandralis9134]

I published my every thesis every diploma and she don't understand so i never paid attention to this. When i worked i discoverded how good i am but i loose soooo mamy years

[@traceycurtis1005]

Congrats 🥳 that is a great achievement. I'm happy her comment had no more weight than a grain of salt and you congratulated yourself for your achievement. Wishing you all the best for your future endeavors.

[@revidtenantmemphis]

Oh my gosh I am so sorry - that must have hurt :(

[@aleksandralis9134]

@@revidtenantmemphis she is So stupid. I think it was so therapeutic to write it down 🙂

[@runningsrage5895]

“If I die you will feel bad for not being nicer to me.” (My covert Narc mom) “If you really wanted to commit s you would have already done so.” “If you really wanna commit s there is nothing I can do about it.” She also told me I'm a bad person and that I always upset her while I was growing up.

[@mcc9040]

"You'll miss me when I'm gone" was a mantra.

[@elizabethhurrell6022]

I’m curious: are siblings treated the same or can 1 daughter be singled out?

[@aliciaanderson2599]

Elizabeth Hurrell it is possible for one child to be treated differently and the other child to be singled out. The child getting the good treatment is the golden child and the other child is the scapegoat. If you google this it will tell you a lot more x.

[@elizabethhurrell6022]

Alicia Anderson, thank you so much for confirming this. You are right, I should learn more about this. The best be with you!

[@LOUDIntuition]

I’d rather my mom go ahead and just say this. Instead she consistently puts herself in bad health situations for attn even if it costs her life. So me walking away or not helping is her way of say just that. Girl boo!

[@Zumbale3]

I was my mom's therapist starting at 6 years old. I can remember as young as 3 needing to make myself small and quiet so I wouldn't disturb her. Even though she could be very loving, none of my problems could ever match her traumatic childhood. There is so much more, but I would end up writing a novel here.

[@marilyns2353]

Always on eggshells! I remember coming home from school, entering the house as quietly as possible. My First objective was to determine my mother's mood, so I could decide if I needed to make myself scarce. Constant vigilance!

[@ilovemylukie]

I would always cringe when my mother would call me, or I called her because I knew by the sound of my mother's voice if it was going to be another "mother's pity party" or a rage-filled rant about how her life was terrible and it was everyone's else's fault.

[@alisonshanahan9529]

I have always said my mother's behaviour is Early Christian Martyr. I wasn't allowed an opinion, my mother's was all I needed!

[@natashabusono4550]

Oh my goodness.. you said it perfectly..

[@SCwirlify]

I remember in our living room. Where the TV was in the 90s: Mom is sleeping. Don't wake her! Or she will be angry!

[@jed4119]

Thank you so much for this- I understood my mother was a narcissist when she was in her 90s and still occasionally violent towards me. She had had a tough childhood and was an old lady. I nursed her until she died I accepted she never truly loved me and I now live a happy life. I have a great relationship with my children and have broken the cycle. It’s very sad that some people never get to understand what is going on. She lived with me and I used ‘grey rock’ as much as I could. I made myself uninteresting to her and kept out of her way. I was an only child and my father died when I was 17, it was impossible to make her happy. A narcissist is a bucket with a hole in the bottom what ever you do is not enough. Realising that it is not your fault is so so liberating. Thanks again

[@aaronchef82]

“Wants daughter to be impressed by her sacrifice.”

[@iluvknitting1965]

My mother thought I should have a lifetime obligation to her. Amazing.

[@bamanda68]

Yes!

[@currybase]

@@bamanda68 Aren't mothers/parents SUPPOSED to make some sacrifices when they bring children in to the world?!

[@rrn3263]

My cousin once told me that about how she sacrificed for her child. That word/feeling angers me.

[@rositawangdahl457]

Its so true

[@shachi1871]

It's scary when you realize you are guilty of doing some of these things. Having a narcissistic mother myself, it's scares me to think that I might become like her. She is the person I've always strived not to become.

[@lavonnealexander6936]

Yes, this why I am pushing my brothers out of house.

[@musikafossora]

I feel this way too. I’m worried that I’ll end up like her someday.

[@hollymazillius2378]

Me too, I'm absolutely terrified of becoming like her. And I really hate myself when I find myself acting like her (if I'm even aware of it, which s lot of the time, I'm not), even the positive or benign things like turns of phrase make me scared and hate myself. It's so hard to know what to do when you don't have a strong sense of who you are, because you're still so mentally embroiled in that relationship.

[@beforgiven9055]

Yes, we do what we hate. The only way to overcome evil is with good: we must forgive, or we'll end up being what we hate.

[@oscillatewildly88]

I know exactly what you mean and I feel the same. We need positive, strong female role models.

[@vswick]

“I just don’t understand you. How could you possibly be MY daughter?! I was never like you! Sometimes I wonder where you came from.” --mom

[@mehitabel1290]

"I was never like you! I was X, Y and Z (all good and admirable)... I was.... I thought... I achieved.. I liked.. I would... Me, me, me, me , ME!!"

[@cassandrajoy1113]

That is....verbatim! Holy cow!

[@angieholt736]

@@cassandrajoy1113 ditto

[@erikawoods8975]

😞

[@LorenaMartinez-gs4fe]

Yeah , she never understands shit because she didn’t go through that so can’t understand.

[@dawnlevy1280]

My mother always treated me like her friend and never respected boundaries. I had to stop talking to her for 2 years for her to understand that I don't want to hear about her sex life. It didn't matter how many times I expressed my discomfort with the topic. We finally started talking again, and she just relayed a message from an ex of mine. I expressed my discomfort with her having an open line of communication with this man 3 years ago. When I explained how upset it made me, she started with the gaslighting, "You're always so angry. Your anger is just below the surface..." She's so exhausting :/

[@absinthemindedJ]

Might need another 2 yrs. ❤

[@debrarolland1704]

Sounds right.

[@JohnTSteinbeck]

NARCMOTHERS summary: 1. Make every conversation about THEM 2. Compete with their daughter 3. Tell daughter that she is a burden 4. Fail to protect daughter from others' maltreatment 5. Cold (no emotional connection) 6. Controlling and manipulative 7. "I sacrificed for you!" and demand adoration 8. Give transaction-based love only (love as a reward) 9. Have no boundaries

[@NikkiGregory]

At 16 years old she said, "we wasted $100,000 raising you." & " don't have children. They're not worth it."

[@aena5995]

@@NikkiGregory omg i feel like inam the scape goat its like growing up my mom used to talk shit abiut my dad to me taught me to hate him now she taught my lil sis to hate me or smthin idk she(my mom) has a family history of mental illness so ig it makes sense 😭😭😭😭

[@danielm5324]

I never really fathomed any of this until I started to see through my MIL's facade. Totally disgusting and cruel excuse for a human.

[@koobie83]

“Love” for my mum means screaming at you “but I LOVE YOU!!!” Expecting me to reciprocate back. To me, love is an action word. It’s not guaranteed. No one is guaranteed love from anyone. Ever.

[@kyliejewell8795]

Spot on... it's hard to realize sometimes then you look at a list like this. Eye opening.

[@weiirdOzdotFU]

I always knew my mom was a narcissist, she's the reason I got into learning about this stuff. she made me feel like something was wrong with me my whole life, like nobody wanted me because she didn't.

[@jas6274]

You wrote my exact feelings

[@weiirdOzdotFU]

@@jas6274 so sorry. i've been reading this book called "mothers who can't love" it's meant to help people like us move on and accept that they will never change because we often find ourselves waiting for that. you should check it out. it's a short book but it does the job of making us feel seen.

[@jas6274]

@@weiirdOzdotFU thank you, I'll surely give it a read!🙂

[@caroliner2029]

@@weiirdOzdotFU I'm so glad that you have words for these things now and that you know that it wasn't your fault. I'm pleased that you've found a useful book too, to help process all of your memories and experiences. I've found Karyl McBride's 'Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers' very insightful. I read it in small bites, so I don't feel overwhelmed. I love that its subtitle is "Will I ever be good enough?", as this was the subconscious cry of my heart too.

[@weiirdOzdotFU]

@@caroliner2029 i actually stopped reading the book for awhile because it was helpful in explaining but once it got to the exercises i wanted to wait to do that and you just reminded me. it's really hard when it comes to mothers because they are suppose to be your first experience of love, you are literally connected and grown inside of them but it's so important to note that anybody who tries to make you feel like you aren't good enough, feels that way about themselves. it's not an excuse but sometimes an explanation can help, also i will check that book out too, thank you!

[@tiinat9606]

I succeed in something. My mother: "It is so wonderful to see you have gained these great qualities from me."

[@rdpcl]

I know this too well. She took credit of all my achievements, but any failure was only mine and had nothing to do with her.

[@PelinandRhylee]

rdpcl omgggg!!!!! Right!!!!!

[@TaraConti]

Soooooo typical!

[@lucky_lola]

This is my mother exactly!

[@erykahm4307]

Yep, mine said the same thing

[@dandoneral5405]

I'm male; not female. It sounds like you're hitting almost every nail directly on the head when it comes to describing the way that my father was towards me, such as competitive; claiming that I was somehow spoiling his life; and on and on. Finally, I'm finding someone who is talking about narcissism who I can really connect with me regarding the relationship that I had with my father.

[@AnkitaDas-97]

I am from India! My mother has these all traits and I just realised this! Wish me luck!!!! I need to survive this! My prayers are with all the people! May you also heal from traumas!

[@f0repl4y]

Hang in there! My mother is borderline narcissistic, and I live with her. I should move out but in an Asian household, I am the main breadwinner and need to take care of my parents until I marry. I hope you have a loving father, that shows you what a loving parent should be like. My dad means everything to me, I don't think I would be a functioning human being if it wasn't for my dad or succeed academically and in my career. My dad means the world to me. We're for you if you need to vent!

[@jantelopez5626]

independence as soon as possible is the most important thing .. dont ever think that parents magically change without experiencing very specific tings that hardly any narcs manage to experience. yes its sad we dont all get loving parents .. but you'll have the meaning sucked out of your life if you entertain these people. also THEY LIE. you can't have secure relationships wit liars

[@1mol831]

What about you?

[@shenoyvaibhav9847]

Aye behen, sambhaalke, dhyaan rakhiyo!🤗

[@maxinekayota3629]

I think it depends on the trauma or what kind of trauma whether you who really heal

[@LindaS420]

"Children are to be seen and not heard" " When I say jump, you say how high" We weren't even allowed to have feelings. I always felt I was just in her world. I never heard a single complement as a child. I lived in complete fear at all times. Combine that with physical and emotional abuse and an overly religous mother I wonder how I survived! I am NOTHING like my mother. I broke the cycle and proud of it!!

[@nobodymatters3294]

Good for you. Stay strong and take care of yourself. Blessings

[@LindaS420]

How sweet! Thank you! ❤

[@chrismanyuchi8588]

That is sooo meeee

[@sandramaree9431]

Ditto good job it seems that its choice we choose.

[@gailremp3628]

You summed up the best way to look at it. My mom's name was Jenny. And it was the old WWJD concept to me. 'What Would Jenny Do? And I figured if I did the opposite I had a pretty good chance of being a little more human than the average daughter...You will be OK. Somehow we take a step forward and we learn from these experiences...peace...gail in Central Florida 2/24/2020.

[@gracealyssa28]

My friends told me to look into narcissism when I explained to them the issues I have with my mother and I’m crying watching this because of all the things I didn’t know were wrong and that I didn’t deserve

[@tinydegrave8786]

Know that you're not alone and that you are not bad or evil or crazy, T.

[@carolv2161]

Good friends to have hun! 🤗

[@emmalouie1663]

For the longest time I thought something was wrong with me. Then over a period of time I realized how much my parents neglected me as a child. Now, later I see it again my mother and her alcoholism. My mother's life revolves around watching TV and drinking and when she talks to me it's always about someone like my wealthy aunt's life. Today, I told my mother that she can talk to her husband about my aunt. My mother will always fill up the air with conversations as long as it's never related to what is important in my life. Neglect isn't just the absence of something, sometimes it actually takes effort to do the kind of neglect that Narcissists do. It's like I do not exist. Like I am not important. My mother has the strangest emotions. She usually just gets angry at me. She sometimes says she feels like slapping me. One day we were in the car and she was nagging me about holding onto a potted herb pant she bought. I said "I've got it!" pretty emphatically because she is a nag... and she responded by calling me the "B" word and then she said she felt like slapping me. Her neighbors think she is nice. It's like a two faced monster. I just don't want to think about her anymore. I wish I lived far away from her in a city where I had a close group of friends. I've had so many of my friends move and I have moved too. I need to really get out more and get away from my mother.

[@tinydegrave8786]

@@emmalouie1663 Hey, know that you're not alone and there is nothing wrong with you (except for a huge trauma). Hugs, Tiny

[@celinescrappassion2184]

@@emmalouie1663 please take care of yourself... because she won't. You are not alone and you will survive this. I did. I left home at 19 years old and this is the best thing that I did for myself.

[@lesmerz3178]

My girlfriend was raised by a narcissistic mother and it's had a profound effect on our relationship. We have been together for 4.5 years and we're trying to work through it! Thank goodness for therapy!

[@blane2472]

Had to pause the video a few times because it was hitting home a little too much.

[@brayanajackson469]

Blane SAAAMMMMMEEEEE🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@marinewifey1015]

Same 😕

[@freelandsm1]

I paused to read the comments. I really learned a lot from them.

[@sherenifernando97]

Same

[@olivest509]

Yes, me too

[@f3042]

I realized this was my situation at the age of 32 when it dawned on me that my mother never takes fault for ANYTHING bad that happens. Everything is someone else’s fault. I called her on it and the rage she had in her eyes… 🤨 She realized I was no longer under her spell.

[@judythompson8227]

oh yes. come sit over here by me on the "you are so clumsy" bench... =)

[@Jas-bz3qi]

Amen!!!

[@Hrov]

Me too!!! I’m almost 35 and it all makes sense now !! No wonder I’m insecure and hVe all these issues and felt crazy growing up. I knew it was her but I didn’t understand and now that I do I can finally move on and be free! It totally sucks though bc I don’t have anyone and the guy I dated the last six years is a narcissism sociopath ugh just a lot going on at once

[@Jas-bz3qi]

@@Hrov literally SAME😩

[@1mol831]

What about you?

[@daisygirl1027]

I'm 52 and finally making real progress in therapy after I found a therapist who specializes in PTSD and childhood adverse events. Peace and comfort to all, I know how much this hurts

[@twigbird6058]

CPTSD here from childhood..stay strong.

[@madisonimogen1028]

Stay strong and live each day for yourself.

[@irestar6]

Share your pain. I'm from Northern Ireland and grew up through the worst of the bloody civil war that they call the troubles. Been at the edge of a bomb blast radius thrown several feet and the aftermath of it which was like being in hell. Being made to watch my father being stripped and cavity searched on a dark road in December where they had a soldier searching him, one pointing a machine gun at him and another soldier pointing a machine gun at my brother and I 9 and 7 respectively. They wanted to make sure I saw my dad's junk. Knowing from the age of 4 that he had to check underneath his car each morning with a mirror on a stick to make sure there were no bombs, so knowing that he might not come home each night from then onwards. and that's before all the abuse from my mother. I was never good enough I was a burden I was the bain of her life I was constantly farmed out to aunties as she needed a break from me so often It was all about how it looked for her Being sexually assaulted and her not wanting the neighbours to find out as obviously I an innocent 11 year old must have been asking for it. Her words. Scarred into my brain forever! More worried about her reputation than protecting her child. Wishing disabled children on my husband and I because he is English. And we can go on and on and on as I'm sure you can too. I'm really glad that you're getting help. I've had therapy a couple of decades ago now, CBT to deal with the ptsd from her and the bloody civil war. Because when you grow up in a war zone, that's normality for you. Keep learning and healing. Peace and Love.

[@emmalouie1663]

Well that is good. I'm getting older too and I think holy smoke, it's almost unbearable to feel like wow, I'm an old adult and this stuff is still not healed. I just can't be mentally well if she is in my life. The more time I've spent around her the less I recognize myself and I feel like a b*tchy monster. I feel like I am becoming very toxic myself. Finding a good therapist is on my to do list. Like I feel shameful that I still have "issues" at my age. My relationship with my mother is a source of embarrassment for me. Sometimes it just seems like what is the point? After so long like what is the point of therapy- but that is my issue to sort out.

[@irestar6]

@@emmalouie1663 therapy helps at all ages. I kept in contact for many years because of my father but eventually had to cut all ties at 40. As at the end of the day he never was able to stop her. If he tried she'd threaten to kill herself or leave him and he loves her still. Please cut contact 🙏 and just walk away. And if people ask tell them she has abused you your whole life and you've had enough.

[@blacklacelolita]

it's incredible how you perfectly summed up what my sister and i dealt with for so many years. i am seeing a therapist now who is helping me to retrain my brain to acknowledge my mother's behaviors and tactics and how to simply not left it effect me anymore. this has been a thing in my family for generations and it's ending with my sister and i. thank you for explaining narcissitic mothers so perfectly and for being a voice for those of us who had to endure them ❤

[@69SalterStreet]

One of my earliest memories is my mom giving me the silent treatment on a field trip because I wouldn't spend my only money to buy her a soda. She ignored me until I cried and apologized. I'm only just beginning to realize how fucked up that was.

[@catherinegathura4832]

🤗 🤗 🤗

[@Dancingatthefuneralparty]

Wow just like my mother 🙈 we will heal!

[@Gypsy_Soul7]

Oh that is heartbreaking ❤️‍🩹 Big virtual hugs, that truly is fucked up. It’s incredible as we grow, how much we begin to see parts of our parents as they *actually* were when we were just small children or teenagers. Sending healing vibes to you 🤍

[@roryslaine7896]

That's crazy. I'm assuming if it's one of your earliest memories then you were just a small child at the time? Why tf was your mother relying on you to buy her a soda? That has to be straight up manipulation. Imagine looking at a 4 year and asking them if you can borrow 50p for a drink, then acting like a huffy child when they don't want to give it to you. That's honestly crazy to me.

[@backtoasimplelife]

Yeah, that was majorly fucked up. Damn. I'm sorry you had to experience that. How has that experience molded you in your adult life, assuming you are an adult now?

[@triciat2855]

Going no contact might not resolve the relationship with a narcissistic mother, but it does give you the space to heal. My experience was that as long as she was in my life, I could not address her abuse honestly. There was too much dissonance that prevented the truth from coming out and the potential to heal. While it might not be for everyone, going no contact has been an essential part of my healing.

[@1mol831]

Or maybe you are nacissitic yourself.

[@bevcarter2524]

I agree. The best thing I ever did was move away from my home town. The physical distance seemed to help me emotionally distance too.

[@yanan4249]

Going no contact was a very difficult decision for me. I made a lot of attempts to have a normal or at least formal relationship with my mother but it didn't work. At some point I have found that after nearly every conversation with her I practically lose my will to live, have a panic attack or feel as if I don't matter. And even when in rare cases the conversation went "well" I still felt severe anxiety and frustration. Then I decided to have my life back and went no contact. I can't say I am happy with it but I definitely feel more grounded, my depression vanished and I started living my own life. Actually when I think about it, we never had a real relationship anyway, she was always busy for me when I called except for the occasions when she needed my help with something or my money.

[@kimlogan1278]

Going no contact is very important. A lot of Mothers do not know they're narcissistic.

[@bnic9471]

My mom was on the self-centered and manipulative side, and she tended to dismiss some of my feelings.. I came out of her household with those traits, myself. What helped me was just growing up, basically, and setting my own goals. I learned how to dampen down those traits in her by just not reacting. We did enjoy a much better relationship the last 2 decades of her life, and now that she's died, I think of her as a great but flawed mother. I am so proud of what a bright, funny, loving, and hardworking person she was.

[@kshaw2307]

My parents shouldn't have had kids. And honestly, we should have been removed.

[@dianevanderlaan9523]

Same

[@chavaliernsharps159]

Have often thought the same

[@pjj9491]

k shaw...i think the same thing...i was born in 50 to a severe alcoholic who was institutionalized 3 times before age 25...everytime shed get out shed get drunk and marry a man she met in a bar, get pregnant and give baby up for adoption...i really feel if abortion had been legal this would have been her jam...i was noticed by teachers at school with belt and switch marks on my legs since girls had to wear dresses back then...or busted lips and blackened eyes with makeup...not one teacher ever reported...maybe they didnt have cps back then...my step"whatever" would threaten to drop me off at the orphanage then theyd both laff...i prayed he would pull into the parking lot...:(

[@chavaliernsharps159]

@@pjj9491 how terrible 😔 and folks could never understand how the memories remain fresh, and how you have to work through them to get healthy, reliving it again as if the many different instances just happened. It's always an odd pause in time for me. I have no feeling on that (a pause on time when a memory passes my mind), and have noticed it at the same time 🤔Anyway! I am sending you LOVE and continued healing. Know that there are other adult children of narcissists out here navigating this thing called life with you! 💕💕

[@pjj9491]

@@chavaliernsharps159 much love and thanx...that note is more love than i ever experienced as a child...never heard those words...thank you😍

[@francescapoteet5481]

I know if I abandon my mother at 74 I’ll be looked at as such a horrible person but I’ve endured and struggled my entire life through her criticisms, snide comments, being downgraded by a cold mother I’ve always tried to please and used to drive myself crazy trying to please her. At 38 I stopped trying so hard but the pain is still there due to not being able to have a relationship or even a conversation. Forget having a mom that I could discuss having a problem with. I see friends who are daughters having such foreign but loving relationships with their moms and enjoying their lives together that I am not even able to relate to them. And I can’t explain it to them because they don’t have a point of reference.

[@SweetHomeOregonSasquatch]

I believe if she didn't love and nurture you, you don't have to love and nurture her.

[@loubatts]

i know what you mean.

[@BreeCrutch]

I just went no-contact on my 78yo mother. Let the rest of her kids take care of her. I'm done.

[@pynklady11]

DEFINITELY, me and my mother moving out and cutting her completely off was the BEST decision I have made. I didn't realize how bad she was emotionally and mentally abusing me and how toxic it was until I left and began to heal. I would rather walk this earth alone with no family then deal with that

[@gigid9606]

in other words, you would walk alone then be abused... I get that.

[@bronwyntanner4501]

The best decision for me was to go no contact. She was toxic and poisonous

[@amberperry1485]

I used to get told it’s my fault I’m getting bullied, “there is obviously something wrong with you that’s making them bully you” I’ll never forgive that.

[@sonyvalencia]

You should of said you set the bar.

[@teresahoffmann4375]

Me too! I heard" It can't be everyone else, it has to be you!"

[@moriahcina915]

Same

[@Nitya-r86]

My mother said the same shit to me too. I ain't forgiving her either. In fact, I've sworn to ghost her when she would need me the most. Now THAT would be a befitting punishment.

[@Igotnyowngametoplay]

Father's alcoholism, narcissism, and neglect made me numb to bullying. Things at home seemed worse by comparison.

[@encouragingword799]

I now understand why I struggle with such inherent shame and inadequacy. I understand why I have had such poor self-esteem, poor choices in men, people pleasing, and still.... I will never please my mom. As a 42 year old woman, I still feel like a 5 year old in her presence. Lord, please set me free!

[@ehughes44]

I understand what you have written because I too have dealt with the same issues in my life, I still find myself battling through. It does get better and I found it helpful in preparing me for verbally abusive people. I

[@encouragingword799]

@@ehughes44 I am glad that you are able to prepare ahead. I too find that I have to be intentional and thoughtful regarding abusive and even aggressive people. If my guard isn't up, I easily bend and allow myself to put the happiness of others on a pedestal. I am just learning to not be ashamed of it atleast. God bless you!

[@ehughes44]

@@encouragingword799 I am so happy for you, and may you continue to grow stronger. Blessings and peace to you!

[@WonderAffirmations]

God bless you both. Here agreeing with both of your comments! We all got this

[@encouragingword799]

@@WonderAffirmations 😃

[@shoppersdrugmartcanuck]

Thank you so much for this. I've never seen anyone break this down this way so accurately before.

[@ggmommy33]

My last relationship failed because of how he treated me and my mother said to me "there must be something wrong with you because you can't hold a relationship" 😑 thanks mom, that was so sweet

[@jantelopez5626]

there definnitely something hideously unnatural about her attitude. what an a-hole

[@mrsamzambrano5740]

She can’t comfort you because it won’t get her anything. So it’s a waste of time. Narcassitic people don’t engage or wear the fake mask unless they see the person is of use somehow. ThankGod she doesn’t see you as a source of supply. Getting away will be easier. Narcs can become obsessed with their supply. If you grey rock your better off. Let her believe what she wants & just consider the source. If a selfish person doesn’t like you or offer you anything take it as a compliment. It means you see through her transactional relationships & she knows she can’t over step your boundaries. Don’t cry to her next time. That’s like going to the hardware store for bread. She can’t empathize which is not your fault. But now as a part of caring for yourself surround yourself with people who can. That’s what you deserve to be seen & heard.

[@janeyd5280]

@@mrsamzambrano5740 well said.

[@reesedaniel5835]

A narcissist "mother" will always side with your enemy. Always.

[@maryholmes5231]

As an adult I hated it when my mother tried to hug me. My skin would just crawl. It felt like she was trying to absorb me and I would cease to exist. Weird.

[@the1betterpodcast84]

might be enmeshment trauma

[@l.sueszabo9618]

I feel you. My mother's touch makes my skin crawl. It's so damn fake.

[@ginnyrick]

Wow me too

[@mudskippa8958]

I don't really feel comfort when anyone hugs me because my mum's fake hugs feel so weird. I don't trust anyone either. Thanks, mum.

[@shewins3775]

My mother loosely puts her arms around me. It’s not genuine or warm. Actually, it repulses me.

[@serenityserenity9829]

Narcissist moms really do a number on their daughters Im still dealing with it at 44

[@atlantasfaith7721]

You are beautiful wow

[@belleabattoir]

Serenity Serenity I’m 44 too- and yep!

[@jewellenea9257]

Still dealing at 66 and now have a daughter who has become an adult daughter narcissist. Finally my husband witnessed the abuse. She was his favorite. No more. She is more toxic than my mother who was also paranoid schizophrenic

[@heatherbowlan1961]

I’m 50 , and I loss my mother this year , and that’s when it stopped , I don’t no why but I never was that upset losing her , and if you new me ,I love all people so very much , my brother in dieing know and I cry , I miss him already , his funeral will be sad , his adult children I love them and I feel their pain , I feel for everyone’s pain , even if I don’t know you ,I pain for you

[@alejandralarregui6210]

The abuse will never ever stop because it is blueprinted in our brains forever

[@Age_Of_Aquarius84]

I tried to discuss my son's autism diagnosis with my mum, and the conversation somehow kept coming back to her and how much she will support my son (she moved back to the Caribbean in 2017 and we were no contact for about 3 years before that). I was in tears discussing my concerns as a single mother with little support, and she kept harping on about herself! I should've known...

[@sugarpuff2978]

I got diagnosed with Autism about two years ago in my forties. I told my Mum when I was diagnosed but she's never mentioned it since to me. She didn't even tell my brother about my diagnosis. My Mums excuse the whole time is "Well I don't understand it". It doesn't matter what anything is about she just knows nothing about anything. It's very very hard to talk to her about anything because it's like talking to a rock.

[@mojowasabi8823]

I mean, thats sounds like she was trying to tell you that she would be supportive

[@Age_Of_Aquarius84]

@MoJo Wasabi what would've been helpful would be to let me share my feelings and then offer me some kind of comfort. Empty promises of supporting me when she lives 9,000+ miles away and visits twice a year is disingenuous. How can she actually help out when she's not physically (or emotionally) present? I'm guessing you never had a narcissistic mother? Their words and actions rarely ever align. And they talk a good game, but that's all it is, talk.

[@neville2308]

Videos like this make my mom’s gas lighting work less. Thank you.

[@Lady_Aylar]

The painfull and confusing part of it is the nice things they also do

[@mudskippa8958]

My mother has calmed down a lot now. I've never spoken to her about the hell that she put me through as a child. I feel I can't address it properly now nor put down boundaries as all she is doing is texting me everyday with boring daily stuff and sending me presents I don't want. It's irritating but not like the horrible stuff I had to endure as a child. It's tough. Honestly I wish she'd just go away. But since she hasn't done anything "bad" for several years, I feel I can't go no contact. I almost wish she would go crazy at me so I could walk away in peace.

[@suzann1816]

A friend of mine used to sum it up using the nursery rhyme “when she’s good, she’s very very good, and when she’s bad she’s horrid”

[@VintageVera]

@@mudskippa8958 Sounds like she's trying but doesn't have a manual for how to be a good mother.

[@kathleenmorrison8450]

@@mudskippa8958 sounds like your Mom is feeling a bit guilty for the things she did and is trying somehow to "make it up" to you now.

[@mudskippa8958]

@@kathleenmorrison8450 My mother does not feel guilt. She has never said the word Sorry in her life. I believe she is incapable of feeling it. Her defences are too insurmountable.

[@ijustrealllylikecats]

Growing up, I always felt something was very wrong at home but I could never understand what, and it was always my fault. It took me so many years to learn the truth, and about covert narcissistic mothers, narcissistic rage, control, etc. Everything has clicked into place since finding out about narcissistic mothers, and your channel has helped me understand so much better. Thanks so much.

[@juliap8178]

Where did you learn more about covert narcissism? Specifically covert narcissistic mothers? Books? Websites?

[@maureenspano6988]

I got blamed for everything. All the arguing that went on there. I stopped coming around to much. But then was told I was keeping my Child from seeing her. I remember telling my Sister when I called. And there was yelling and screaming. I said to her, "I thought I was the cause of that? Funny I must have a long, long, long reach. To get all the way over there? Wow Been I must have super powers" She didn't respond. 🤣

[@dbeachmawmaw]

Yes Miss Riley, your story sounds like mine.

[@saleenapiano]

sounds like my story. i figured things out at 34 when i happened upon the first version of The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. "Gifted" refers to a child who is intelligent and spiritually transparent, and even as an infant, senses the mothers needs and is willing to sacrifice her own needs to please the mother. If you are int'd in reading this book (totally fascinating!) pl note, the original is MUCH better than the revised version, which was a big disappointment to me.

[@markiyah9839]

Same I'm going through this right now.I always felt like something was wrong In my house hold too. I'm still a child and I'm working on finding somewhere else to stay.

[@Catscalligraphy]

My mother reminds me of an abuser in the sense that I never knew what I was going to get as a child (or who she would be from one day to the next). Walking on eggshells was an understatement. I never knew when she was going to take everything out on me. As an adult, things are still volatile, with her reminding me daily how much I’m a burden, controlling, manipulating and even criticizing my appearance. People love my mother, she puts on a total facade. They don’t know how she really is. It’s sad.

[@loubatts]

i went thru the exact same thing. it's so hard.

[@violetenergy4392]

I told my mother everything I felt about how she affected my life 10 yrs ago. I ended our relationship and it was the best thing I ever did, I'm very happy and at peace. I love her from afar now and hope she gets help, as I've been doing the work behind who I became and my future.

[@ange2738]

Violet Energy 🙌 good for you! That takes so much strength and a healthy set of boundaries. I finally went no contact 1 year ago, without any guilt attached to my decision so there is no going back. I totally agree, love from afar. I wish her no harm and hope that one day she will get help but my mental health has to be my priority. 💗

[@karenaarc551]

Violet Energy do you have any advice for some starting out? I feel so empowered and then so guilty and it’s a lot of back and forth.

[@kathyzak650]

@@karenaarc551 Stay strong and empowered! Refuse to feel guilty for Loving yourself and keeping your sanity and staying no contact. You were never allowed to put yourself first and when you did, you were made to feel guilty, being told it was a selfish thing to do!!!! It's not selfish, it's SELF-loving......if we can't love ourselves, we can't love others....... You were conditioned and brainwashed from childhood, second guessing your feelings - feelings aren't right or wrong, they just ARE. Trained to put your mother's needs before your own....to take care of her, love her more than you love yourself.......sacrifice your life for her......because of all that she has done for you.......but that is not healthy or natural. You just don't know any other way, how could you? Have sympathy for your mother's mental illness, she is broken..... But you just learned a valuable lesson on HOW NOT TO BE! (Hopefully!!!) You are NOT a martyr and are not here to have someone else live your life for you! You are here to live Your life as you see fit!! Just keep reminding yourself that you LOVE yourself and that Loving yourself is OK. Nobody should feel guilty for the self-love it takes to remove yourself from abusive or controlling relationships of any kind..... Realize how you were programmed it all makes much more sense. Love her, forgive her, she is wounded inside......but do not feel guilty because you refuse to subject yourself to abuse! Consider it a life lesson and an experience you learned a lot of hard lessons from. And be happy! That's the best "revenge". :) Love & Light!

[@iolandav2685]

They don't get help because they always think they are the victims and with time, it only gets worse... I did exactly the same as you when i was 20 years old and never look back.

[@dirtysanchez941]

Good for you, love!! ❤️✌️🤗

[@alwaysyouramanda]

My physics teacher in high school could somehow tell something was wrong with me and I chopped it up to “my family’s just crazy.” And I didn’t give more detail than that- but his advice was amazing and I managed to take it: he said to me, “You have to get out of there before they make you as crazy as they are.”

[@jenniferloewenstein3538]

I’d say your physics teacher was right. It’s hard when it’s your own family, though. A friend taught me to think of it as detaching myself emotionally as much as possible (for sanity’s sake). I’m still connected to my family but I have to work very hard not to get sucked back into the craziness. Geographical distance helps a lot, as does steady counseling.

[@KT-om6vw]

Effie Mavros based on your suggestions it appears to me that you’ve not been manipulated and tortured by real narcissists. Family means nothing to a narcissist, Family represents disposable supply to them, therefore equating leaving a narcissistic family member to throwing away one’s family when problems arise seems inappropriate.

[@KT-om6vw]

Effie Mavros I am very sorry about your son and all that you’ve been through. I hope and wish that he has enough strength to get the help that he needs to heal. I hope that your unconditional love will touch his heart and gives him strength to heal.

[@hannahbrown2449]

@Effie Mavros I disagree. I think the teacher gave sound advice. He noticed something about the student's behavior and the student said his family was crazy. The teacher validated the student's feelings. Probably wasn't happening for the student at home. This student will know if "he is loved" by his parents. Of course, people leave or have no contact as a last resort after trying everything else and finding that it not only doesn't work but makes things worse. Doesn't have to be about hating anyone - just protecting one's self.

[@hannahbrown2162]

@Effie Mavros I'm sure that, in the case of your son, this was not true. I'm very sorry that you've had a painful situation surrounding your son. Your love for your son is very apparent in your many responses. Your situation doesn't appear to apply to the topic of this video and narcisstic parenting. I wish you and your son the best.

[@jane1003]

She made me feel like I was worthless, but God let me know that I was His child and that realisation allowed me to see that I had value and status. He saved me in so many ways!

[@mee23chelle]

Amen!! So happy for you.

[@allisonhunt1134]

Jane 100 sounds exactly like my story.

[@taglaterritruthtella9818]

🙏❤

[@janeyd5280]

@@allisonhunt1134 mine too.x

[@skadi84]

In my case it was the opposite. I am now agnostic while my mother is heavily religious, which is one of her manipulative weapons but it's good to know it works both ways too! I'm glad you found value in who you are and a positive religious path ❤

[@TinLizzy1]

This was such a bullseye description of my mom and dad. Their cruelty ruined my health and my life. I won’t shed a tear when they pass away.