The 5 types of narcissistic parents

[@JackSmith-w1t]

What helped me the most with raising my children was the book ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’. It is honestly a game changer

[@nancya9402]

❤thank you

[@mashakalinkina7207]

I just want to create a household that is soft, warm, adventurous, assured, calm, flexible, joyous, Safe.

[@AlexSKelly-up7lf]

Yes, absolutely! Good luck

[@kims5561]

Why cant you? Not being rude, just curious!

[@fannyyogadessaisons]

@@kims5561 Speaking for myself, it's because you may know how you want to feel but you don't know how to make it happen. How does a healthy and mature parent live her daily life, how she talks to people/children, how she builds healthy relationships... Soft, warm, calm, joyous are wonderful but you have to feel that first in your self so that it radiates from within instead of creating it out of the blue. And it's the tricky part.

[@cozycomfychronicallycute1533]

Preeeeeeach! Right there with you and praying you receive a sanctuary that is all you need to strive 💖

[@stephw6046]

Same! ❤️

[@someonesaid2170]

As a daughter of a narcissistic father, I'm terrified of ending up with a narcissistic man. I don't want to re-live my childhood.

[@atanamorell2]

someone said I'm glad you are learning about narcissism now. I didn't understand what was going on and did marry a narcissistic. Took me over 20 years to get free and I am now trying to help my children deal with the anxiety and confusion that resulted. Be kind and loving toward yourself and don't let others shame & guilt you.

[@katarinak.4406]

Ooh, i have the same type of problem. 😭 And its always some narc around me becsuse i am big empath.

[@FutureFendiFsnista]

The fact that you are aware means your steps ahead of combatting that possibility! One thing that narcissistic abuse does is it teaches us not to trust our gut or inner voice. A lot of us are confused due to the cognitive dissonance that they create. Take some time to learn about yourself. Like really deep work where you find out what your likes and dislikes are and set boundaries accordingly. Its hard and you will struggle in the beginning. However, the more your do this the stronger your inner voice becomes. Don't let that voice get drowned put by guilt or flying monkeys. When you do interact with a narcissistic person (its inevitable unfortunately) you will know the signs, how you feel around them, be better equipped in dealing with them, and spot them quickly so you can steer clear of them.

[@ashleycnossen3157]

Girl, study, study, study psychology and how healthy relationships function. You can do this.

[@jennygInspired]

100% all these replies...it took me a 7 year and 4 year relationship until I got good at spotting the signs.... but now I'm terrified as well and have gotten quite good at reading the signs. Before I'd let my empathy take over and rationalize everything....now, I run out of there early if their true personality comes out and seems to be pointing in that direction. I attract them but...at age 36... there isn't much left around here. I'd rather be single and content than miserable with a life sucking narciscist. I'm going to wait it out and be patient.

[@francescaverdi2555]

Having been raised by a covert narcissist I was genuinely surprised to realise, as an adult, that not all parents resent their children and consider them a burden, some actually enjoyed them.

[@Ed.Miller]

Aaaahhh, right in the feels.

[@TopFurret]

Agreed. My partner has good parents he actually loves which is so bizarre to me. Even they treat me better than my biological parents and I don't know how to feel about that

[@colinwalter9381]

Exact same for me….. it’s shocking

[@dyanberg6263]

I divorced a malignant one and so I coparented with a psychologist. He kept me in court for 15 years after divorcing.

[@meghanelizabeth6710]

I wouldn't wish this trauma on anyone

[@anju8376]

I’m so proud of my mom for being a little of ALL FIVE TYPES! Good job, mom. Our family is just full of high achievers.

[@centralprocessingunit2564]

is that sarcasm?

[@centralprocessingunit2564]

@@anju8376 i never thankful for bad.

[@irisl2508]

@@anju8376 i get the sarcasm. My narc took sarcasm as a compliment, and it became a coping/self defense mechanism for me. I live and breathe sarcasm almost to a detrimental degree.

[@kims5561]

Its hard to hear but i dont think these people dont choose to be this way, its just how they are, and we cant choose our parents :( we all become who we are in part by how we were raised, and their personalities, and same for them. All we can do is heal and not become what we had to deal with. Its super freeing!

[@grassfedmilkmomma]

I was gonna say the same thing!!😆

[@MKEditsxx]

I've read something recently that goes like: "Kids who are loved at home, come to school to learn but kids who are mistreated at home, come to school to be loved" Not all kids are lucky to have parents who love them unconditionally and care for their necessary needs I've experienced some neglectful behavior and emotional manipulation from my parents, I've always felt like something was off as a kid but only realised it as an adult And people like you Dr. Ramani are important for young adults like us, to open our eyes so that we engage healthy coping mechanisms and break the cycle by raising our own kids the better way 🙏🏻

[@nikki88tx]

I tried even in middle school to say we're not a functional family. I was told "we function. We're just not normal" oh, you mean toxic as hell?

[@kaw8473]

My neglectful narcissistic mother passed away in December. I'm not mourning what I lost, I'm mourning what I never got to have. Your videos have made me feel safe enough to seek therapy for my CPTSD.

[@robindelucia]

I hope you are healing.

[@nath1284]

Well done for seeing clearly the impact on you and for taking steps to prioritise your healing. That takes huge strength and courage ❤

[@Bond-uz9ie]

I’m mourning the same loss now for my living mother who has stage 4 advanced cancer now. I was the golden child, that later became the threat as a young adult when I surpassed her accomplishments and life wisdom. As a highly regarded Christian she has yet to repent, but rather likes to angrily say cancer is her Karma for the ‘bad things’ she’s done. I’ll never know what she means by that… part of me is still holding out for something from her.

[@pnpgutterfold]

@@Bond-uz9ie Narcissists can be sympathy and empathy vampires. She wants you to feel sorry for her. Does she really thing she's done bad things? Has she elaborated on what some of those things are? If not, then it's sarcasm/manipulation.

[@AskElkaAstrology]

I can relate as my mother suddenly passed in late January and I am mourning the relationship we never got to have due to her narcissism. I was taken aback by how her neighbors and friends talked about her as if she was a saint so I always keep everything that happened to myself as nobody would believe me anyway. Working on healing & forgiveness.

[@zarenjane7070]

When I was about 6, one day my dad smashed a newly bought TV just because my mom bought it without consulting him. Then she cried, leaning towards a window. then while I was just hugging her, because I had never saw her crying like that. She looked down at me, and said with contempt, “look how ugly you are, like a pig.” The indescribable hurt never disappears, and I have kept the belief that I am not worth of love. Narcissists should never get married, they are just disaster for their children.

[@sheislaki]

😮 I hope you’ve given the that little girl hug and let her know how much she NEVER deserved that!

[@TracyKinnear-h2b]

So sorry she said that to you sounds like she was taking her frustration out on you she was mad at herself for not saying anything to her husband it's so hard not too take it personally . You sound strong .Be well

[@dianefinlay685]

If it hadn't been for them you would never have been born and the world would not have you. You have a life to live and people to love. This is waht i say to myself after being abused by two narcissist parents. I'm sane now!

[@cinemaocd1752]

You lived with two narcissists and survived. You have a super power. I hope you get healing.

[@federicasardanelli9019]

I ve been told several time that i was ugly from my parents. My mum was less direct. When a beautiful boy (sadly a narc...) tried to take me on a date i did not realize what he was trying to do.

[@Jader7777]

Dr. Ramani I don't know if you're reading this but I really need you to know that you untied a painful knot in my mind that I thought I would take to the grave without anyone else understanding. Thank you.

[@desireeespinosa3954]

I feel the same. So many things make sense now. Now I just need to make sure that don’t repeat this ugliness!

[@rubytuesday7653]

🍁🌻🍁.....❤️

[@brenner5147]

I thought I was schizophrenic!!!

[@spikefivefivefive]

@@brenner5147 These kinds of parents can create schizophrenia in their kids more often.

[@angeloddrev]

Same! Just remember, nothing was ever our fault, we are perfect just as we are. it's their problem. Difficult, I know.

[@MrBlackretreat]

I would always have my stomach drop every time they came home

[@Saurabh3321]

I'm dealing with this exact feeling right now. They come in, oxygen goes out :(

[@66alh]

I still experience that feeling of dread at times!

[@jonathang2668]

Same! I could be happy af but then the moment I heard my dad’s truck pull up, my anxiety would spike and I’d either dive for cover in my room or pace waiting for him to step in the door. Even after 5 years of NC and moving to an adjoining state several hours away, my heart dropped into my stomach when I heard a Chevy truck that sounded just like his drive down my street. As others have said, that intense fear is a defense mechanism and I’m glad he isn’t part of my life anymore.

[@Contessa998]

Same

[@Forever_yours44]

Yes!! And when I visit my parent I get sick when I pulled into their subdivision!!

[@イチゴ甘い-c3b]

I still remember the day when I was in 5, I was so proud to show my Nfather the cards I drew for him; it’s trees, flowers, mountains, solar system, some poorly drawn safari animals (because my Nfather loves NatGeo so much). Anyway, the moment I showed him these, he was so cold like meh okay give those to your mom. My NMom said I could draw better since the lines and coloring were out of place. Ma’am, Sir, I am FIVE YEARS OLD. The next day, I saw these drawings in the trash. I felt so sad that I cried. Fast forward to seeing some shows with normal parents who display their child’s artwork on their fridge. No matter how bad it looks, the true love and appreciation is there. I know they’re just acting but damn, I always wonder how nice it feels to have a very loving, supportive parents. The damage they did to me is so hard to fix but I’m getting there.

[@macuita03]

🤟🏻👊🏻

[@karenh-r7845]

I'm not sure you're ever fully fixed. I'm 57 I've had councillors therapists and they certainly help but I've been left with such bitterness that is not in my nature and I don't like it and battle it daily. I'm hoping when my parents die I will have some relief. I moved country to get away from 5heir constant negative/destructive attitudes toward me. I get triggered still with a phone call and get put back weeks in my recovery. I really should go total no contact but they are in their 80's and fel guilty and duty towards them, they don't deserve my loyalty, but they did a good job on me

[@carolinelaronda4523]

It sounds like you may still be young and that is ok if you’re not but if you are a young adult just know that you don’t have to let your parents dysfunction affect you the rest of your life . You’ll never become them if you’re here , watching these videos and understand that they were/ are wrong , not you . You will grow stronger and develop all your boundaries and know exactly how not to be an unhealthy parent to your kids . You will be ok . You’ll always remember your childhood but that doesn’t mean you have to let it define you. You get to define you , you are the only one who gets to determine your self worth . I’m so sorry both of your parents were so cold and uncaring to you . The important thing is that you see that it’s then that are sick and broken and you can see the difference between what’s right and wrong . I can’t imagine how hard that must be to have both parents be narcissists . My mom was a narcissist and my dad is just a dismissive avoidant man but not a narc . You will be more than ok . You are getting the help and understanding for yourself . Your comment really touched me and made me feel compelled to tell you all of this . You will be more than ok . Keep moving forward and just love certain people from a distance . 💜😊

[@estherokoyen9597]

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@rebeccagreen7241]

@Susel That is so messed up! I'm really sorry you had to deal with that! Good job with the no contact 👍👍👍 and very good luck!

[@adopteeonamission]

Growing up like this haunts you forever.

[@kriswinters4225]

Preach

[@JackieAllen-c6g]

So true. I am 65, and my grandiose narcissistic mother passed away a few months ago. I finally feel free to really examine the effects of her parenting had on me.

[@iamanempoweredone6064]

Maybe you should do one on what a healthy wholesome, husband wife parent child, relationship should look like...

[@annachan8151]

Yeah that would be a great idea. Showing what things should be like. In the meantime there's a channel called Patrick Teahan LICSW that has videos showing different scenarios that may happen in narcissistic families and then it shows how that same scenario would play out in a healthy family. It is educational.

[@anniegum4582]

I'f also love to hear about that, if that even exists at all 😪

[@HaleyMary]

I'd love to hear about that, too. As well as a video about what a healthy romantic dating relationship should look like. I feel like I've seen so many bad things in my life that I wouldn't know what a healthy relationship would look like.

[@annachan8151]

@@HaleyMary Dr.Ramani has a video on healthy relationship vs narcissistic relationship. search for it.

[@HaleyMary]

@@annachan8151 Thanks!

[@BJ-sz3vb]

my mother was the control freak who would have emotional outbursts whenever her control was met with the slightest resistance. She also was the one who would invalidate your feelings and chastise you if you didn’t validate her feelings. Oh and if I had beef with her, and I tell her that her behavior has upset me , she’d tell me that I was the the one who was insane and doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Being raised by a malignant narcissistic mother has yes indeed given me symptoms of PTSD as an adult and it has seriously damaged me. May all of those who went through the same begin to heal. ❤️

[@salonsavy6476]

Yup !,, that’s my mother to a T !!!

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

B.J. Y. 💪🏽💐 to you too

[@abc123-t7o]

😔

[@BastettheGh0st]

My mom was the same way. You'd think for being grandiose she wouldn't have put me in the driver's seat as the parent, but she (as Grands do) had a covert side that was quick to go "Why me?!" when things didn't go her way. Understanding more than she did (that she caused her own problems) I felt I had to coddle her into trying to accept her own part in things, but she never has & never will. It's a blessing to let go a responsibly that was never mine to begin with. 🕊️

[@marerlyn]

Mine is still exactly like that! Only adding that she always is the victim! Right now im going through her giving me the silent treatment because she was caught in a lie and refuses to acknowledge it or apologize. Somehow she is the victim

[@rabiahakhan]

2:38 core of narcissim 3:45 Grandiose 6:54 Malignant 9:26 Covert 11:54 Communal 15:20 Neglectful 18:28 Self Righteous

[@centralprocessingunit2564]

THANK YOU!!!!!!

[@kyrareneeLOA]

Which one is the victim based attention seeker?

[@ItsMeJaneW]

@@kyrareneeLOA My mother is victimized, attention seeker. She is a covert narc.

[@heatherleah2210]

+ 18:28 Self Righteous

[@heatherleah2210]

@@kyrareneeLOA Covert

[@rtldulin]

Wow, reading the comments from different videos of Dr. Ramini made me realized two things; The first one is that I am not the only only one who has gone through this 😢 and the second one that I am not alone.

[@4xzx4]

We should have an annual "narcissism day" where we expose their tricks and how they work and also to enlighten the public about narcissism. My suggestion is 1st of April, because they're all jokes! =D

[@gabi6898]

😂 Cruel jokes

[@ThatGirl_Oge]

LMAO i second this motion

[@shawnmarie1912]

World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day, June 1st

[@ms.knowledgeall9918]

Good idea maybe it'll serve some sort of trauma to where they SEE THE WRONG doing

[@LoveGod1987]

😂 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😂😂😂😂

[@Sauvageonne]

Mom = communal narcissist; Dad = malignant narcissist (divorce proceedings lasted 13 years - neither of them wanted to leave the house after the divorce judgment). My ex-husband 1= covert narcissist (I didn't stay long); My ex-husband 2 (I didn't stay long) = malignant narcissist - he dropped the mask after the wedding; My current partner = none of the above and we're very happy. There's always hope!!!

[@aaronbones4290]

Rooting for you ❤️ even if i dont know you... Take love fellow human ❤️ you doing great 🔥🔥

[@Sauvageonne]

@@aaronbones4290 Thank you Aaron. This goes straight to my heart.

[@protospha]

@@Sauvageonne - wow. Maybe I, too, should have gone for a third try! Nah, just kidding. You are very very lucky. I can't even imagine ever being married for a third time, after the experience of my first two marriages. I was severely punished in both cases for leaving (meaning 'rejecting') them..... and so BOTH of them got their revenge on me for leaving them, by turning the children we had together against me.

[@Sauvageonne]

@@protospha I understand your trauma. Take it this way: Now, you are experienced and can smell the narcissists and manipulators from miles away. If you are a good person, do you believe there are other good people out there or are you the only good person on earth? If you believe there are good people out there in addition to you, then why deprive yourself of happiness? Why let the past rule your present and your future when you can use the experience and expertise to avoid past situations? My partner and I are now married and we are incredibly happy. There's always hope if you allow yourself to have a bit of faith.

[@imgoldenspyder9409]

Mom=covert & self-righteous; her father malignant & neglectful, mother=battered. Father=normal but a Narc magnet, 3 in a row. 1st Step father=malignant & neglectful 2nd step-father=grandiose & communal my ex-spouse=malignant/grandiose/self-righteous my ex partner=neglectful my ex-partner=neglectful my ex-partner=neglectful my current spouse=amazing; spouses parents=amazing; spouse's ex spouse=covert & self-righteous(ex-spouse's parents=grandiose & self-righteous). I didn't date for 14 years, because I seem to be a magnet for narcissists, & when dating, it was everything I could do to get past the 2-6 month marker, if even past the 1st date or two, with any one person (except one for a few years), because of all the red flag warnings...I would end relationships as soon as they started showing their true colors, even if there was slight slip up or peek on their part. They had to be exceptional actors & con-artists otherwise. I found a Narc survivor so that we understand & respect one another's boundaries & don't limit personal freedoms. We are each other's support network & what makes us the most angry, is not the narc, but at ourselves & that we somehow fell prey to the Narc's con-artist/manipulative tactics--they definitely should've become actors because they kept that mask on for years before letting it slip.

[@ildikof1606]

"When you co-parent with a covert narcissist, it usually feels like having another child." Spot. On.

[@danushe5]

Totally agree!!! To add to that. A child, that would never grow up! Never!!

[@ShaylaPeterson-s2t]

My mom is a self righteous narcissist, she made me Uber to work and back and told me I was so entitled and over the top for asking if she could give me rides to work, she would make it impossible for me to thrive even tho I was working my ass of and she could’ve helped me, but made it all seem like it was my fault and told me “I guess you’ll just have to learn the hard way”. I had to walk to the grocery store while she sat at home and watched TV and she thought that experience was good for me. So grateful I was able to get out of that situation with my dads help and that he’s actually an amazing parent

[@floxendoodle942]

My mother endured war as a child and was also raised by a narcissistic father. She ended up being a neglectful narcissist as a parent. I was raised on conditional love, shame, guilt, and not-enoughness. All narcs have backstories . . . I had a shit childhood but I raised my children with unconditional love, warmth, and lots of affection. I’m in my fifties now and have gone “low contact” with them and their false narratives. It’s been so freeing! Gonna let “golden child” brother take care of them in their old age. I’ve paid my dues via mental and emotional issues my entire life.

[@brennam954]

Just make sure your brother doesn't try to suck you back into the vortex. He may get exhausted trying to deal with them by himself and shift the blame to you for not helping out more. But you are not obligated to take care of your parents given what they did to you, and neither is he, but that's for him to decide for himself.

[@runningthunder6923]

I relate to you. Remain on alert, there is no telling what they will do next, as you well know. Unfortunately..... 😬

[@Dontannoyme34894]

Yay fuck them they can’t control you anymore!! They can’t paint you as the bad guy so now they have to target someone else ☺️

[@selah385]

💕💕💕🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

[@wambuialice957]

I really feel sad reading this. Triggers

[@unluckyp]

I've started putting my parents' behaviours into a little document that only I, a friend and a teacher have access to. If they are going to try and gaslight me again, I'll just need to refer back to my document. If I remember something, I write it down - I try to do it immediately because once I forget it, I'd forget it forever.

[@Chelzebelles]

I started doing the same thing with messages to select friends.

[@jellybean6778]

Did the same documentation of a narc "supervisor" to make a record of the abuse relating to a particular issue about my work product and her continuous interference and poor judgment in my area of expertise. The documentation started more than a year into the abuse, and after discussing with the director of HR, i mentioned it. Just before sending it to the HR director, i filled it in with many things that had happened prior to that issue, and since that point. It read like a diary of continuous undermining, abuse, lying, gaslighting and subversion, passive aggressive behavior, and at that point I didn't even know about narcissism (NPD) as a disorder , or as much as i do now about narcissism (thanks to Dr R.). It has been enlightening to listen to these videos and have the "bells" rung over and over again about the behavior. Wish i had understood this earlier in my life.

[@richardtaylor3546]

interesting, I might start doing that

[@tinatragarz4836]

Yes but I would not rely on them believing you. It is for you. It let's you remember reality!

[@cchivoexpiatoriodos5493]

Same I have video evidence going back to 2014.

[@angelinadamiano8924]

Being raised by a covert narcissist quickly taught me that no amount of rescuing will ever be enough to save them. They all always feed and feed off your guilt and sorrow and then demand more and more. It took me until now, 24 years old, to realize how codependent my parent became with me and how I, subconsciously, became codependent with them. The guilt and anger are probably the two main emotions that I’ve experienced on most of my interactions with them.

[@okay5488]

Hey Angelina, I’m about to turn 30 and I’m with you. Felt like this last year I had a sort of “awakening” to the abuse while working in therapy. It feels so awful to grieve someone that is still alive, and grieve the family you thought you had. It’s so challenging to navigate and I really related to your comment. Hope you are well and taking care of yourself. You deserve it ❤️

[@roisin33]

Oh my goodness! Me too and same age. My guilt is almost gone finally she can kick rocks for all i care

[@tuffguydoe7937]

Yes, it' hard not to respond to their childish mocking. My mother's short comings are so obvious: hoarding, bad liar, broken relationships with family, finances, etc. I could get joy hearing my mother stomp away like a child when calling her out, but had to realize I was arguing with a child in an adult body. There was guilt that I was raised by a single mother, but she chose that. She didn't reach out to my father or let him be a part of my life.

[@youtubepremium2730]

Hey i grew up around all of these in the same house! I see myself as a covert narcissist I see it in my actions every day. I don't wanna hurt my children, I'm 20 and quite honestly I don't wanna have kids! It seems like it runs in the family. My mother is Covert, my grandma is self righteous' grandioso' communal. My uncle is malignant, self righteous' I don't really feel like doing the rest

[@bereal6590]

Combo of guilt and anger I can relate to that

[@JT-lt5gr]

This is off topic, but Dr. Ramani's hair and makeup (especially eye makeup) look fantastic. Not too much, not too little, and it's age appropriate and job appropriate. She looks awesome!

[@BrokenCircle1]

My parents used to always say I had no right to complain about anything, that I had 'no stress', that I should be grateful that I ate today and wasn't regularly physically abused. They would say to me that I was crazy and that they were 'sorry I feel the way I do' whenever I would criticise them. They would say that I need to seek help and threatened to have me institutionalised as a minor as well as give me up for adoption.

[@BrokenCircle1]

@Aura Darkskipper Yeah they threatened me with that multiple times. I remember thinking at the time it was a bit mean but looking back on it that was straight up abuse.

[@Brain_Kandi]

My parents threw the same BS at me too....

[@Servo1616]

Check, check, check. Me too, all the way down the list. I'm sorry it was like this for you, too. I'm glad people are finally starting to talk about it.

[@emmystein13]

My parents called the cops on me for my break downs. I’m autistic and the shame I still feel fuels a ton of ruminating thoughts I have.

[@Heidi_137]

OMG, same here! I wonder if they have a workbook manual because seems they come up with the same stuff, can't be natural out of nowhere saying the same things. I found out I was adopted after they passed, but really they purchased me on the black market (via private Dr.), I found some of my 2nd cousins on DNA sites and we are so alike. I thought the BIO aspect was the problem in between us but now I see it was narcissism that was!

[@cindyc]

A silent epidemic, as the truth was never spoken. The scapegoat gaslit for recognizing something was wrong.

[@exile3119]

That's me. My sister used me as her scapegoat until I door slammed her. When she says she misses me she is really missing her narc supply. She has nobody to trash because I cut her off. If she needed me for anything I would still help her but I would still keep my distance and not let her back in.

[@AWRose-kc4si]

It's astounding. My mother has never been an intelligent woman, but she was able to control a whole family with nastiness, manipulation, and disapproval. My 2 other siblings to this day cover for and enable her.

[@twism_2023]

My mother is a covert malignant narc as well as my father. It wasn’t a childhood it was a nightmare. I literally had ptsd well into my 30s. It is a wonder what a difference just a few years of no contact can make: everyone toxic has been unregretingly kicked out of my life, I am happy I am optimistic and I am confident. Wishing all my fellow sufferers of such parents many happy years and a life rid of toxicity!

[@HomeFromFarAway]

this gives me hope! I'm one month in and it feels like hell 😅

[@AbBc-w4q]

best thing you ever did... and getting these people out of your life has to be 1000%.. no letters or phone calls.. no texts... everything must be cut off entirely. Siblings must be warned that if they bring up or talk about anything to do with this parent will also be dropped like a hot potato. Thats what I had to do.. and the oldrest brother, the only one out of 5 children that talks to her, is her #1 flying monkey and enforcer when we were young. He brough up my mother once to me and told me how she's suffering and end up in the hospital with a breakdown (yet again) and I said "I told you, I told you to never tell me anything about her and I told you if you did Id stop talking to you" and thats exactly what I did.

[@r.k.6403]

I wish i could have you over for tea.

[@RebelUrNarc]

Yup, my dad presents as covert/communal, but at home was malignant / neglectful / self-righteous. He Mind-Controlled mom so much she started taking on his traits after a few yrs. She never protected us from him, made excuses, gaslighted... I wasnt able to say the word abuse out loud & KNOW the truth until 6 months ago. The 1st time was hard, not questioning, not feeling guilty & shame, NOT FEELING SCARED... & I was ALONE! Gaw, that sounds insane now. I'm 53 & de-programming every day. There are still days when I feel weak & falter & question my sanity... as I've lost everything & am in hiding. It's a struggle & lonely & I don't have any clear path forward. I don't know what's going to be best for me when it comes to all the overwhelming feelings of betrayal, sadness, anger, & disbelief at how they could have done what they did. Im so lost, but I'm also SO GRATEFUL to finally understand all the incongruencies, sabotage, constant punishment, homicidal rage.... it goes on & on. What a mess they made.

[@tundrawomansays694]

@@RebelUrNarcMy friend, they made a mess of *their* lives. *You are not a “mess.”* Look at you-you now know at least intellectually it’s not you, it was never about you and it never WILL be about you. It will get better when you dump their crap along with them-they have the same right to be idiots as we have to walk away to protect ourselves. *You matter.* You survived and have mad, crazy great skills that you don’t recognize-yet. But you will! Take care.

[@TheBrookeJ]

I just was told my mom was a narcissist and I was in denial because I made the classic excuse of “well I had food and we had money for activities and a roof over our head, it wasn’t that bad….” She’s covert, communal, and grandiose. I feel like my whole life was a lie. I’m about to start the process of accepting it and how to move w Forward to heal.

[@bentheblackbutterfly222]

Brooke. One thing I see in you that I have … gratitude. Now ofc it’s not like they didn’t drill how much they do for us in our heads but I feel you and I’m grateful to see someone sharing the same victory lap… it was all political and business. Not for me and mine tho. Salute to you mama.

[@TheBrookeJ]

@@bentheblackbutterfly222 thank you for this. It’s… been a horrible process but there’s been it’s good moments and I feel I can truly see the world and people for who they are and how they see or treat me. The rose colored glasses are off. It’s still very painful, but I feel I have more tools now than ever to protect my soul. Sending you love on your journey💙

[@bentheblackbutterfly222]

@@TheBrookeJ love received and multiplied. Stay creative even if it’s in how you choose to rest and recover mama 💜 Purple Heart cuz you a soldja

[@martian6201]

Exactly the same situation.

[@WarriorConstance]

@@Arifumi_ it's abuse! Period! Please talk to someone. Things won't get better ever I promise you. They get worse with age. You owe your mom absolutely nothing. You deserve to live YOUR life for YOU!!!! Only YOU should decide what you'll do and want. If you continue on this path? You're going to look up one day in misery, at 50 wondering how it happened. Heal now please. You have a lot of life to live only YOU choose if it will be enjoyable or miserable.

[@kasey77]

It truly is a miracle I survived to adulthood. Have been working on unwinding my childhood my entire life. I am 63 and the deeper I work, the more I get in touch with, I have so much empathy for me as a little girl. All this is teaching me to be kinder to myself everyday. Thank you Dr. R!

[@parajacks4]

“After all I’ve been through…” “After all I’ve done for you…” “How could you say/do that too me?..” Combined with word salad that plays all day long, that makes life exhausting. I discovered the grey rock technique by myself, it’s hard to be emotionless, but it works in that it protects me from my narcissist mum using my own words and experiences against me. I hate using grey rock as being like that is not me, it’s not my character, but it works on the narcissist if not contact is not an option.

[@vikinggoddess2126]

Your opening sounds like my mother-in-law. Even though we needed the help she would hold it over us. When we didn't, everything "nice" she did for the kids she would hold over us.

[@forgiven5919]

Yeah I hate the word salads.

[@littlewavesdrowning4936]

The last two years I lived with my mum I learnt this. After years of my emotions being ignored I learnt the best way to be around her was emotionless and unphased and it was so difficult I'd always then go to my room or the bathroom and cry. But crying alone I could comfort myself better than my mum ever did.

[@yehmen29]

Your parent and my mother could have been identical twins!

[@HomeFromFarAway]

I wish I had known about grey rock, but my mom threw existential crises and barbed trigger at us and it would have been impossible anyway.

[@toadface6848]

My mom constantly reminded me of my faults to help me be a better person. She'd pick apart my physical appearance, how I walked, how I spoke, what expression showed on my face. Self improvement thru humiliation.

[@kiwichick8811]

I can relate. Really does a number on confidence.

[@lindsayhulle1813]

It’s horrible. Your comment is exactly my mother too. To this day I can barely stand to look in the mirror and still get surprised when I receive a good grade in school.

[@victoriambella9216]

OMG SAME What kind of narcissism is that ? Grandiose ?

[@yehmen29]

My mother (and the nuns at my Roman Catholic school) used to criticise the way I walked too! I was even sent to pray in the chapel during the school breaks, kneeling on the cold floor, to ask God to forgive me for walking in a non feminine manner! Big strides...

[@joy8801]

Ahahahahhahaha my mom. She always says she wants the best. But she called me crazy every day , and criticised even my breathing. All because she wants best for me….😂

[@annavetrova8200]

I'm a daughter of a self righteous narcissistic mother and a neglectful narcissistic farther. Surviving their parenting is what my brother and I are proud of. Thank you for the video!

[@tania1505]

My sister and I survived something very similar. I'm definitely bonded to her for life, in a way that's sometimes hard to explain...but beautiful.

[@danielasos2074]

My mom was the covert, also malignant. Always blaming me for havinv been born. I was very small when I told her: "" I did not ask you to be born."" How can such a small girl say that? I knew my worth and I knew she was the problem. I knew I deserved love and attention. I am so proud of myself!!!

[@tunatuna711]

You had balls! I was scared of my mom for years.

[@lilbeth4804]

My mom said she was going to run away and I told her that I didn’t as to be born. I was 12

[@lacey428]

Yes. I said this as well. I also told her to stop insulting me about who my father was because she picked him.

[@jinxkrug7000]

@Daniela SOS Interesting that I too said to my " well, I didn't ask to be born " also. But my mother said to me in response " Well if you had, the answer would have been NO." I couldn't believe that she said that, but in my heart and mind I knew that she wasn't joking, as she later said she was. You see, my parents were 20 & 21 when they had me, and @ 9 months I got Polio, when they took me to see my Dad's family in 1950 in the middle of the Polio epidemic in Pennsylvania. They never really talked about it, but I know my mother felt put upon by my disease and its complications- I could no longer walk- and she blamed my Dad and his family. Until the age of 13, 15 orthopedic surgeries and a crap ton of physical therapy that my mother was saddled with doing it with me, like a drill sergeant. And honestly, what kid would rather do that than go out and play,even dragging my right leg around. I knew that she resented me for this and my Dad too,because he " could escape " and go to work. This woman was the same woman who wouldn't be " a mom " to me and talk to me or help me through my godawful divorce. And the same woman who upset so badly by telling me that she never ever wanted to talk to me again. And I never did. My therapist asked me if I would regret not having tried, and eventually when she passed 2 years later, I sadly felt nothing. Nothing at the loss of a mother. Can you believe that? That is what made me sad and distressed: that I felt nothing for a mother.

[@margoheekin7201]

Yes that is amazing! Good for you!

[@EnergeticAura]

From malignant mother to, malignant husband, to almost 20yrs bliss, then covert for 13+. Now 5yrs alone and finally near recovered and strong at almost 65

[@irenemac1545]

Good for you💖

[@Rontlc3317]

God bless you

[@AndyHurleysChicklet7]

You are so strong for enduring that. I wish you all the happiness in the world 🤗

[@ikasugami]

My Mom was a Covert Narc who I had to "save" by helping raise my siblings, and my Dad was a Self-Righteous Narc who worked a lot. No wonder I grew up having issues with a sense of low self-esteem and always "working". To this day I have a hard time with letting myself relax or waste time, and with recognizing my worth even in not getting something done all the time.

[@moonrilnonloso2709]

This is me, exactly, right now. I can't take a moment off for myself without feeling ashamed that I'm wasting my time, and I can hear my dad's saying that in these 5 mins I could have done these 28364982 things he did because he's the best at doing everything.

[@kellymyczka3169]

Oh my word. You just described my childhood and adult sense of self. It would be good to connect with you. I also have siblings that assumed these traits, it’s only bc of their neglect and my church in my teen years where I didn’t assume these traits!

[@princesssayers8057]

Wow, are we related? My mother took away so many pleasures in my life so she could dwell in her religious fantasy world. Its a wonder that I survived. Years of therapy and getting away from the family insanity did the trick.

[@PeacheePea]

Exact same for me, except with the parents reversed. It’s crazy how much damage they did.

[@marthamoreno1539]

Same wow! I ended up marrying what I believe to be a psychopath. The damage that man did to my brain is beyond anything I thought was coming my way. Thankfully we got divorced, but we have a boy together and the way he comes back from Dad’s is something else. It’s heartbreaking to see but I can only do my part when he is with me and pray for him. It’s been 3 years since the divorce and I’m finally feeling better. I’m 37 now still struggle to just relax as my mother never did allow me too. I feel for all of us who have had to endure the trauma and damage done to us at such an innocent age.

[@lakshitasharma2200]

I grew up with a self-righteous narcissist father and a covert narcissist mother. The amount of physical, emotional and mental abuse that they inflicted on me was unreal. Thank you for this video.

[@blackdonaldtrump3869]

Me too my mom is covert and my dad is just a selfish blubbering idiot that thinks he’s gods child so that’s how he rationalizes acting the way he does. The things I’ve been through I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

[@mirjambotman5652]

Do you also still find it hard to consider your Mom an adult?

[@livelystones7773]

@@mirjambotman5652 my mother is a covert narc. She was never a parent but still resembles a competing child wielding power over her actual helpless children. It was like living in hell.

[@mirjambotman5652]

@@livelystones7773 I realised last month, I was really lucky having nice neighbours and that I could play with the girl next door a lot

[@karabelle67]

My Mother is a Covert Narcissist. I always felt guilty for wanting to live my own life and resentment for not being able to. I was taking care of my younger siblings at 8 until 23 when I moved out and went no contact with my Mother. I'm still working through my issues, my childhood was a warzone.

[@eviezucchinimartini]

6 months free of my nmom. i never thought i'd see the day. she kicked me out with only the clothes on my back, tried to reconcile with me the next day, and i kindly told her to please never speak to me again. threw a tantrum but i haven't heard from her since. if you're a minor or a young adult that has to live under your nparents for whatever reason like i was, i promise it gets better. my mental health has improved dramatically. i used to think of hurting myself daily and now i can't imagine hurting myself. you will be free someday. just hold on and make sure you focus on healing.

[@Snake-od6ok]

Thank you

[@tarasspiritualhealingandco368]

i so wish i never called her years ago she got my kids …… with my narc ex and playing the hero grand mother omg the sacrifice your mother make for your kids coz you so useless you knew that kind thing she and her ex husband her partner her ex son in law were and are reason i had to fight and i fought hard now this is happening and am really learning to heal on another level

[@kathrynwagner4943]

I was kicked out by my mom at 20 with just 200 dollars. When she told me I could come back and I said no. Her response was I guess I never kicked you out since you won't come back. When she did that to my brother she always was always threatening to kick him out again and I didn't want that.

[@pamross1797]

Thank you Dr Ramani. You have helped me fully understand my complexed Narc Mother. She was a different Narc depending on who, circumstances, and what stage in her life. I was first born and female. She loved men and didn't want female competition. My brother was the golden child. I was mentally abused and punished, even made to feel from a small child that becuz of my "inadequates" may be given away or put in a mental institution. I was punished for fabricated actions and neglected except in public. I was sent away to boarding school, and married at 18. She continued to make grandiose gestures for my wedding to put herself in the limelight. Now in adult life she, tried to take my children away bcuz I wanted to go back to school to be a nurse. Tried to get me kicked out of the nursing program and minimized my grades and achievements (while paying for my brothers 5 degrees). Constantly undermined my parenting and tried to get my husband to divorce me. I now have found out she worked constantly to alienate my brother and daughters against me, and used family reunions to tell both sides of my extended family that I abused and neglected my girls, and that I am mentally ill and won't take my med, none of which are true. Fortunately 10 yrs ago, with counseling, finally was shown what my mother is, a Narcissist! It was suddenly all clear and I could cope, the gift of an answer! Now old, and not getting attention the old way she turned into a hypochondriac and Munchausen's going so far as unneeded surgeries, an non reversible colostomy, refused to wear a bag, and insisted my father take care of it til his grave. She is now dead, "!!". Only one feeling sad was my daughter 1000 miles away. I was left with all her mess, expenses etc. I can't even bring myself to pick up her ashes from 1.5 yrs ago. I have come to grips with what she was and what she did. I finally now have a good relationship with my brother and daughter but I still don't dare say anything against grandma, unless it's nice. My father's side of the family is wonderful now that had figured her out (she hated them too). Her side has no contact with me, their choice. There are still people in the community that don't take the time to know how I really am. I can only imagine what they were told. At times I still feel her reaching outside the grave, but then I appreciate my dear friends and husband who really know me and I cherish them. It is hard to repair yourself from the damage and the sabitoged relationships but I feel the healing but I do realize that knee jerk reaction in situations from her mental abuse that are life long. It has given me hypersensitive ability to realize a Narc and when manipulation is being used on me or someone else. I still get tears in my eyes when you discribe the treatment of a malignant Narcissist Mother to her child feeling that pain again, but then I shake it off and remind myself I am a strong survivor!! Thank you for listening, the untold could fill a book!

[@wavy6470]

@@pamross1797 you really are a strong survivor!! This woman gave birth to you, but she wasn't a "mother" at all. I'm sorry you had to live through this. Please don't let her continue to torture you from the grave!

[@ElRegulus]

There were multiple times I witnessed a birthgiver being incredibly compassionate and caring with other kids. After a while, I just thought, "Well, at least they can be a good parent to someone else." Took me years to realize, that is a thought that should NEVER enter a child's head.

[@deedlessdeity218]

All this social justice cult stuff with its newspeak and pseudoscience is full of Narcissists and worse cluster-B disorders, trying to justify and excuse all that behaviour. I know this is a bit beside the topic, but since I'm trans with the actual medical condition and this narcissistic cult comes up with all this authoritarian fanfiction and other nonsense they enforce on everyone, might as well say it: This weird language like "birthgivers" and singular "they" is twisted, warped and insulting. If just to not say "mother" because socially these people clearly aren't, alright, but biologically they still are. No harm meant towards you; it's these mad and vile types that come up with these orwellian words and enforce them, "teach" them to children now to normalize it into society (that's not an organic (healthy) development of language, that is engineered (unhealthy)), and truly good-hearted, well-meaning, empathetic people too often fall for it because they want others to feel good and safe - especially when they themselves had it bad. That's the whole dynamic. It's a mean trick. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I've seen the signs so often and lost really good people to this cult, at which there is always some type of narcissist, borderliner or outright anti-social machiavellian type at the center pulling the strings. It's never about the actual people they pretend to speak for, it's to justify their manipulative behaviour, their Münchhausen-Syndrome, their lies. They come up with these new words (that "we" reject) because that way they can control you through shame, and put scissors in your head. If you're in that type of narcissistic cult, my advice is to get out. If you care about people with issues, want to help them, there are other ways then listening to those who only pretend to and make up nonsense that has nothing to do with the demographics (not communities!) they pretend to speak for. Like this pronoun-nonsense. That's the weirdest virtue-signaling I've ever seen after those very same people put lists of their mental disorders in their social-media bios, lists so long that if they were true, these people would be unable to function so much they'd have to be institutionalized forever. It's a dick-size contest of virtue-signaling. Like in Eastern Europe there once was a fad to wear your Christian Cross super openly, and then everyone tried to up each other with having the bigger, gaudier, more expensive, bling bling cross - does that sound like it has anything to do with the message of Christ? Or is that the most phony nonsense going against the very idea? It's the same game. Now they are claiming that sexual orientation and what genitals get you hot have nothing to do with each other and if you don't agree and don't want to get close with the genital of the biological sex you're not attracted to that makes you homophobic or transphobic. They're essentially trying to justify rape now - after a decade of complaining about rape-culture. Honestly doesn't surprise me, since these people are so repulsive they run out of victims of their abuse to have sex with, so now they try to guilt-trip an entire civilization. Sorry, that went into some hot venting... Just be careful. This ideology, its ideas, are not what it pretends to be. It's just an advertisement poster with authoritarian mold behind it. None of their beliefs are founded in real science, although they of course claim that to be the case (they're gaslighters after all, so they also claim the real science is wrong - they're essentially flat-earthers, especially when it comes to biology and the sciences in general). And why don't you hear many voices speaking out against their bs, like mine? Because they instantly dogpile on us and shut us down, hold our mouths shut, shame us, harass us in real life, slander us, destroy our social groups, maybe our jobs - and at the same time they say that "cancel culture doesn't exist". They've done this very thing with their political opponents for a hundred years and more, it's a standard strategy, long before this new term came along. If you don't agree with the cult, the cult will punish you, if you want to leave the cult, you leave a narcissistic injury in the cult itself, and they will punish you worse - that's why it's so hard to leave for so many. Like Scientology or the Jehova's Witnesses. Take care

[@ElRegulus]

@@deedlessdeity218 That isn't a bit beside the topic. That is a LOT beside the topic. I'm going to have to ask you to not make my personal situation all about you, or to use as your own soapbox. Thanks.

[@cherryz-111]

@@deedlessdeity218 imagine getting mad at someone for not wanting to give their abuser a title they feel uncomfortable w/..

[@alanus95]

That thought still runs through my mind and Im 25yo.

[@AlastairjCarruthers]

Being performatively compassionate and caring toward other children in front of your own child, who you neglect and abuse, is classic triangulation. I'm so sorry, it must have been awful for you. My narcissist ex did something similar to her own now-adult daughter. In the months after the daughter bravely left home and went no-contact as a teenager, the narc mother made a point of posting as many photos as she possibly could on social media of her happily playing with the children of her friends and other relatives, including giving them elaborate gifts on their birthdays and having sleepovers. She even changed her FB and IG profile pictures to one of her warmly embracing two of her smiling nieces (her expression in the photo was chilling though, her mouth was a broad smile but she was staring at the camera with that classic shark-like, dead-eyed look of the narcissist). It was obvious what she was doing and it was simply repellent. The best revenge you can possibly get is to enjoy your life and, if it's what you want, build a family of your own who you treat exactly how a loving parent and partner should. Give yourself and your true loved ones all that the birthgiver never had.

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

I was severely abused by my narc mother growing up. I’ve been no contact since my mid 20s (I’m now 41), but even now she takes credit for my achievements. Her theory being that I’m doing so well in life now because she did such a great job as a mother when raising me. It makes me sick.

[@lawstsoul]

My mother was the same way. To others she'd praise my accomplishments and take credit, to my face she always had to tell me how I could be better and hammer me with how I wouldn't be here without her.

[@rg2027x]

Sorry that happened to you : ( It's very real and another pattern these assholes do. I know someone with a malignant narcmom who takes credit for her achievements. She's been no contact for 6 years. She recently earned her veterinary tech degree on her own completely self-supported without assistance from anyone, then found out narcmom gossiped to family & others this "wouldn't have been possible without narcmom's love and encouragement." along with telling people how much narcmom contributed to this success. Which couldn't be further from the truth. In reality narcmom did nothing..never showed any support or concern whatsoever. Total barf! She was telling me about it, how nobody would believe her since her narcmom puts on such an award winning performance what a wonderful parent she is. Even worse people are deceived to believe it.

[@angelacavon4073]

It was much worse when I was younger still severely abused by my family though 😒 one time when I was in 4th grade my dad whipped me so hard I couldn’t breath and I barfed a little he did that everyday…of course when I was younger until I got older 😣 in 10th grade he slammed me against the wall and kicked me on the legs…I don’t know how to leave them and delete their contact won’t they track me down at some point I’ve even seen it happen in movies it looks so scary 😰 A bunch of people think my parents are really nice thoughtful people including my Aunts and Uncles 😪 they don’t know how they really are and they always say, “I see your mother in yeah 😄” “you’re just like your mother hahah” Me: oh…really? 😁 My self conscience: BUT IM NICER!

[@davidhollenshead4892]

@@angelacavon4073 Understood, as my was abusive, doing things like chipping my teeth for telling him where I wanted to attend college... I have little to do with him or his family, which improved my life significantly, but it was a difficult journey...

[@ambersolis5238]

My mom does the same shit. I’m who I am in spite of her, but because of her. These abusers make me so sick.

[@sarafolkins8231]

Almost 70 next year… Still dealing with an 86 year old narcissist hypochondria dementia mother. Until I found the counselor I have now, no other counselor had a handle on narcissism and always tried to change me never understanding the pain and conditioning I grew up with.

[@cinemaocd1752]

This is one of the best reasons to read the comments. Thank you. To anyone reading this who is in the process of choosing a therapist: be careful not to wind up somewhere will they reinforce the abusers world view. Find someone who gets NPD and in particular COVET NPD. Vet them before you go to the first apt. and also be up front about why you are there. Don't waste time and money and further sanity on someone who does not get this....

[@alcedo_kf]

I relate. I hope you are doing well. Its a very lonely experience living through such things. @sarafolkins8231

[@EranHertz]

When I was 23 my therapist finally managed to convince me I was not responsible for fixing my parent's behavior (which I've tried all my life). "Children are not supposed to parent their parents". Strange it still took me a couple of years in therapy to accept something so obvious. But the pain, shame, guilt, and anger never go away. They are the biggest "gift" I've gotten from them in my entire life.

[@lindsayhulle1813]

You are right on. It’s the shame, guilt and anger which are exactly THE most haunting feelings. My mother was a vulnerable narcissist and now so is the mother of my step daughter. Sometimes I feel like I’m in the twilight zone watching two entirely different humans ( personality looks, belief systems etc) act in the same predictable way. They are the only ones that make me feel this much shame ( especially around my mother) and guilt ( especially regarding the fiancés ex) and the anger.

[@lindsayhulle1813]

I cannot relate as much to the fixing. I oddly never wanted to fix my mom, I just felt bitter that she treated me like a burden when I saw so many other kids receiving love. Whenever she’d be having a good day or I’d do something right she’d become super affectionate and complimentary and I just felt sick to my stomach and disgusted by her. And resentful. Until adolescence I mostly played along though.

[@dayanagataullina1213]

hi, @@Arifumii, you kindly asked for help and i literally can't scroll down. i feel really sorry for you and also, i can relate to that - when i was your age i hated my phone and constantly wanted to smash it against the wall or throw it out the taxi window or drop it down the lift shaft. now i know it's called intrusive thoughts. i'm 26 now and i still get these kind of messages even though i'm yeeeears into the separation process and we live separately for about 10 years already. consider yourself lucky to live in the era of internet and find out about psychology at such a young age. just let yourself be YOU inside YOUR head. anytime soon the day will come when you realize you are not an extension of your parent and you are not responsible for their feelings. it may and will hurt as HELL, so find some kind of activity which helps you not to go mad. dancing, writing, reading, diary, films, photography, poetry etc.- literally anything to keep you going. through this activity you may as well connect to your real self, not the one imposed on you by all sorts of abusive behaviour. and remember - when you fail to pick up the phone, it means you actually have your OWN life. it is so critically important to have you own life. it's great to have it! your friends don't yell at you when you don't pick up the phone, right? (i hope so)

[@ailidhlalala1592]

Since I was not in therapy, I realized it with 33....a few years after my parents divorce But I confront my shame, I let it be there and I try to self parent the little ashamed child in me... That works

[@Tyson-TW]

omg I seriously need therapy.... I have decades worth of baggage/pain/guilt/anger that I still carry from my relationship with my narcissistic mother. I just want to move on.

[@yvonnelygo681]

Go to therapy and tell the therapist exactly how your mother made you feel. It will set you free. * * * Then go to the parent and CONFRONT!!!!!!! Like I did.

[@sarahhodgins3921]

Yes. Same here. Now I feel I project it all onto my son with oppositional defiance disorder :-(

[@amybraun7849]

My mother is a covert, communal, neglectful, and self-righteous narcissist. And my father is very codependent to my mother, catering to her every demand and always taking her side. It was like having two narcissistic parents growing up. I’m trying to do grey rocking with both of them.

[@tamicook9492]

Me too! Exactly the same. Thanks to Dr. Ramani I am free and healing. I used to be pretty good at grey rock, but after my father passed and seeing hatred in her eyes for me I am no contact. It's hard and s daily struggle but I am freeing me!

[@cathb4682]

@@tamicook9492 I'm exactly in the same situation. My father whom I loved was always catering to my narc mother's needs. He died last year. No contact with her for 3 months now. It's difficult but I feel so much better.💪🤞🙏

[@begoniatabriz6828]

Mine is covert and malignant, she comes from a family with cold horrible people, there were apparently good people (apparent normal behaviour), but there was no love, warmth or kindness in any of them. My father was the worst codependent I ever known exactly like yours, his mother was a narc.

[@HighPriestess-mq5hc]

Omg my dad really enables my narc mother too it's horrible he even beat me for it. It sucks.

[@begoniatabriz6828]

@@HighPriestess-mq5hc same here :((

[@lysaarvideo]

In a family I knew, the mom couldn't stand it when others were having fun. I witnessed the dad and the young son laughing and being silly together. The mom suddenly looked like she'd received a death sentence and sat teary eyed. Everybody stopped their family fun and asked her, what was wrong. She sobbed: "Oh I miss my grandmother so much. She was like my true mom." It was truly a weird moment.

[@megansingerlcsw2116]

That's my mom. If she couldn't turn the focus back to her like this, she'd full on rage for days. She'd scream, threatened suicide, throw things, beat us. It was shit.

[@EugeniaPortobello]

yes, my mother did this too, she would get furious if she saw any of her children being too happy with my father. Or if I was laughing too much at anything, she would tell me that I look dumb 🤦‍♀️ so I learned to never be very happy around her, she was always a constant threat. I realized this at the age of 32.

[@caroleyre9144]

@@EugeniaPortobello Omg yes my Mum would alwys do this to me…when I was having a laugh with my Son…she told me I was stupid bcs I laugh.

[@Dorothy-gp6nl]

My mother could ruin any situation by suddenly throwing herself a pity party. She didn't get angry. Always embarrassing or humiliating us.

[@lindaclark568]

This is true.

[@natalieparker3187]

I’ll never forget the time my narc mother announced out of the blue at breakfast that she was moving out, to another state, because we didn’t appreciate her enough. As our jaws dropped open into stunned silence, just a beat later she says, see, no one even asked me to stay. Oh, I could tell stories for days…. Big thank you to Dr Ramani for helping me understand why my childhood and even adulthood has felt so stressful and not normal.

[@robindelucia]

Hey Natalie. Wow. My mom left when I was 10 and my brother was 16. I remember feeling numb while my brother and dad sobbed. I knew I was strange for this reaction but couldn’t understand why. My dad just recently told me she didn’t even show up to divorce court for custody hearing. He couldn’t believe she would walk away. She later told me multiple times she would do it again. Not one iota of remorse. Blows my mind. And at 52 only now have learned about the unhealthy relationship and how it was never my fault. Just sad for trying to get her approval my whole life.

[@SSJ0016]

You said there are five types but I only have two parents and I have seen all of these patterns my whole life.

[@Brynja24]

Similar thing here. My mother seems to be a mixture of all types as I have childhood examples for nearly every pattern Dr. Ramani talks about

[@bkwrm85]

It's not weird. Almost everything she said applies to my parents.

[@SSJ0016]

Thank you to everyone who responded. It's clear that my parents also exhibit these patterns at different times. It's unfortunate that they tick so many of these boxes. But, as they say: "Knowledge is power". Dr. Ramani has empowered me more than she probably even realizes. It's comforting to know there are other people out there who experienced things similiarly to me. It's very lonely out there when no one hears you.

[@Chris-tg3qy]

My dad is primarily grandiose and malignant, but he has some of the other traits too.

[@WileyCylas]

Ditto!! Unfortunately lol not sure of the all encompassing term of it

[@maryannwilliams3893]

My mother was a malignant narcissist. She was physically & psychologically abusive starting when I was a small child. I never felt safe in my home. Neighbors thought she was SO nice, but never knew my “real” mom. She passed away in 2001 & I actually felt relieved because I knew she could never hurt me again. In current therapy trying to learn healthy coping skills.😀

[@godzillamanstreb524]

NARP by Melanie Tonia Evans works to heal completely 💕I did it

[@Sorryscene]

Yeee! Hope Satan is having fun with the bit***

[@yessyess6211]

😢 so heartbreaking 💔

[@Sasha-y2n4j]

I can relate completely..thank you for sharing

[@mday3821]

I could have written that comment. At least, I know I'm not alone. My Covert/Malignant mother never wanted me and that explains so much.

[@vixen9605]

My mom is a combination of Covert and neglectful narcissist. She is the perpetual victim. Life is always happening to her and nothing is ever her fault. We were always a burden to her and she would say - either have kids or have nice things. Nothing was ever right either. I was in 3 or 4th grade, stayed home from school for whatever reason- cleaned the whole house for her to help her and was so proud of my hard work. I dusted, vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen- everything. She came in and picked my work apart. I remember feeling crushed. I never helped out again. She'd scream and yell about it and did the bare minimum until I was able to leave. She absolutely was never concerned with us kids. It was all about her and her men. The many men she had in and out of our lives. I look back at my childhood and I would never do it again. So glad I survived, grew up, and am learning the terms for who she was. I also never had kids. I never wanted to be like her, but I also didn't have good examples of how to be. I knew I wasn't a whole person and I shouldn't try to have kids and repeat that cycle. Thank you for your videos! They help so much

[@caroleyre9144]

My Mother too. Yes not nice is it.

[@1DaTJo]

Your life story sounds exactly like mine. I also got no help or attention as a kid. I also didn’t have kids as I was terrified I would turn into her.

[@CoachHadassah]

You described my life. It sucks that we had to live through this however it’s also validating to hear similar experiences.

[@vixen9605]

@@1DaTJo same. She's a big reason why I never wanted kids. I feel bad for her even now, but there just is no helping this woman.

[@1DaTJo]

@@vixen9605 I relate to what you say, very much. 💖

[@caoimhe237]

My heart hurts so bad for any child currently experiencing the abuse of a narcissistic parent. It is one of the most emotionally and mentally painful things to go through and the trauma of it gets better but never goes away. The person who is supposed to protect you and love you most in the world becomes the one person you need to be protected from. Peace and love to you all.

[@KatCheairs]

Dr. Ramini: Please do a follow up on healing from these patterns.

[@shaymichelledavis9027]

@Cher Witty Me too guys. My whole family both sides. I found a therapist who at least has had some experience with narcs. What are you doing?

[@BALMINGILEAD]

Read The Deepest Well by Dr. Nadine Burkes Harris 💫💓 love and light

[@dahrunriver2924]

If you are still dealing with them read Dr. George Simon on how to recognize their tactics and set boundaries.

[@dahrunriver2924]

@@shaymichelledavis9027 Read Dr. George Simon’s books to recognize the tactics your parent or parents used or are using. If one or both of them are still living, it helps to learn to set boundaries and know how to enforce them. Dr. Simon and Dr. Ramani have material on that as well.

[@shaymichelledavis9027]

@@dahrunriver2924 thanks so much but boundaries do not work with the people that I'm dealing with. I've tried and tried and tried and the more I try the more they abuse me so, no. My very best to you.

[@septemberdawnluketz]

“Feeling very guilty about pushing back”.... I didn’t realize this was considered cognitive dissonance. I’m so glad there are therapists like you in this world to help us through this.

[@krisbradbury5087]

This is a full description of my grandmother. I used to describe her as an iron fist in a silk glove because to the outside world she was an adorable loving proud grandma but to the scapegoats in the family she was the most vile human I’ve ever had the misfortune to know let alone have as a grandmother. She was all of these types, working as volunteer at a charity, appearing to be genuine and generous. She was actually cold, calculating and sometimes pure evil, twisting the truth, turning people against you, cutting you off for weeks or years for simple things. I am pleased to say we have now not seen or spoken to her since 2019 when she tried to say a gift as not a gift and wanted it back - even threatened the police. It has been the best few years, no more condemnation, ridicule and threats. It’s taken my mom decades to get over the childhood she endured and I am pleased and proud to say she is the best mom I could ever ask for despite what she went through.

[@73lmargaret]

I just cried my way through all of this. Both parents had all these styles at various times.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

I’m sorry -/ NARP by Melanie Tonia Evans works to heal & transform your pain - I did it & it really helps

[@lucyxuan4240]

Me too, wish you could find the support you need~

[@josefinehaakseth3611]

Same for me 😕

[@asafcohen3272]

Went down to the comments in hope i wasn't the only one to experience it... thanks for validating my impression.

[@yahyamuhammad2133]

God bless you

[@cece_04]

I feel like my mother is a mix of cultural, grandiose and covert depending on her mood. She loves showing off and feels like she knows everything, she did have a difficult childhood taking care of multiple siblings in Haiti. She is always the victim in every situation. Even when she's the one who's being mean. Loves complaining to anyone who will listen that we never help her. She can turn on tears like it's nothing. She's very hot and cold. Cold shoulder one minute than very friendly or giving the next. She uses the fact that she's a great material provider as a way to guilt you into doing what she wants. Great material provider terrible emotional provider. If you're on her side you're good if not you get ignored and the cold shoulder.

[@kav1tas3w58]

Shouldn't there be a parent test that should be taken before one becomes a parent? Don't people realise by now how freaking important this job is? You're shaping the future. It's the most important job. And yet so many parents fuck it up so badly. I vote for a parent test worldwide!

[@emmas2771]

I agree with you, but I think it would raise some very uncomfortable topics. Imagine the repercussions of such a system? How would you go about implementing it? How does one test a human for narcissism? In fact I can almost see the plotline for some dystopian novel.

[@HaleyMary]

It's a good idea on the surface, but what about those with learning disabilities who might be discriminated against on the perception from others about what they are perceived as what they can and can't do? I'm afraid a test for parenting would do more harm than good.

[@SjofnBM1989]

That's Eugenics

[@transorangutan1117]

While it sounds good on the surface, remember that government often attracts selfish, narcissistic people. Do you really want such people in charge of the creation and implementation of such a test?

[@calipigeon]

Don’t you think the system that determined this would be full of self-righteous narcissistic people? Don’t you think narcissistic people would outsmart these tests? Don’t you think the authoritarian ideology behind this level of control is in itself a bit narcissistic?

[@jennielai2459]

Malignant\covert mother. I lived in fear every day during my childhood. It feels like the need of recovery never ends 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

[@JA-ko6xu]

After all the pain I went through with my malignant narcissistic parent, the only thing I am grateful for is that I now know exactly how differently I will raise my own children. They won't live that hell.

[@nahomynyx]

Today is my mom's birthday and I started to feel guilty about my decision to go no contact, but then I watched this video and I'm feeling confident about my decision again. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all this information. I hope you know you're changing lives❤️

[@futureshocked]

Raises hand: raised by a communal narcissist. It sucks. It made me hate my hometown because my dad was politically active but was emotionally distant at home.

[@1annettesinclair]

Same

[@futureshocked]

@@anomalousboreoeutherian7683 I don't understand this comment, sorry.

[@joseenoel8093]

I hate my mom's home town, I was always made to feel pretty unwelcome from her flying monkeys, cousins, older siblings... it's the place everyone loves (my opinion of it making me seem nuts), but om's mom came from England to work as a domestic at 15, to Halifax, Nova Scotia. She soon watched the Titanic's dead come ashore for burial, survived the Halifax Explosion 1917 (freak yourself out/google it, 2 munitions ships playing chicken in the harbour during WWI/then, 2 thousand dead in an instant, pregnant with her 1st at 43, her shell shocked husband hanging himself in their home, now will be a yr since Canada's largest mass shooting event took place where many of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have retired or are on sick leave due to how they badly they handled the situation, so there won't be much guilt for me nor want to attend covert mom's funeral, I hope I never go back to where everyone loves which only adds to my confusion, and last but not least covert mom's Will states I can reside at her now empty home upon her death, dream on!

[@alindley3128]

There's a children's or rather "young adult" novel about a girl and her friends who have to deal with a Comminal Narcissist, called "Dinky Hocker Shoots Smack!" (Dinky is the daughter, and of course she doesn't use drugs, but her mother the communal narcissist gets her narcissistic supply from being a do-gooder, including by supporting the local drug rehab clinics. I can't recall the author's name, but the opening sentence sticks in my brain to this day, "Don't tell people we're moving to Brooklyn, tell them we're moving to Brooklyn Heights!" I picture Henry Hottinger's house overloooking the neighborhood where this Young Adult Novel all takes place, and how, on rainy, storm-tossed nights, Hottinger would take out his valuable violins, one by one, the Strad's, the Guarneri's, the Amati's, the occasional Steiner, and just....LOOK at them! While the wind and rain pounded on the windows of his study overlooking the storm tossed waters of New York Harbor....and the candlelight gleamed on the varnish of the violins laid out there on the red velvet table cloth..... How does this fit in with being the enlightened child of a narcissistic parent? Well, in fourth grade when the fire fighter came to speak to our class and tell us to form a plan with our families in case of fire, for safety's sake, my plan was: 1) Save Mother; 2) Save Stradivarius; 3) Save Dogs. In that order. (Sorry Tuxie.) And later, as an adult, a certain french horn player and Bein and Fushi employee named Marc and I became the founding members of a new Twelve Step Program called ACOV for short: Adult Children of Violinists! (uhm,..Fiction Alert. But it SHOULD be true....about ACOV. The rest is as true as a Gospel...)

[@futureshocked]

@@alindley3128 Yo, shoot me a private message because I have something to tell you that is kind of nuts (about your name).

[@Ty-kx6cs]

My mother never said the words, “I’m sorry,” even when I called her out for being beaten up by one of her drunk friends, my mom said, “that’s in the past.” I know my mom loved me, she had a very hard life, she was born in 1931 and was forced to carry me full term. I was told my father forced himself on her and she got pregnant as a result, and back in the early 60’s women like my mom who was married to a very strict and abusive religious man didn’t have the freedom of an abortion. My mom never took any responsibility for her faults. I believe she was a narcissist, not sure what type? She divorced my father when I was about 5 years old, she got together with a violent alcoholic man, my entire childhood was full of violence and abuse. It has impacted me greatly, I am prone to seek approval and acceptance as an adult from women, and it’s not healthy. I choose to stay single, I am good at gravitating towards women like my mom. My mother passed away in 1993 as a result of breast cancer.

[@Vasiushki]

This is exactly the video I needed today! Currently living with my abusive mother and her abusive husband and I honestly think I would have given up if I didn't have these videos to keep me going. Thank you so much for everything that you do, Dr. Ramani, you're truly an angel 🌞

[@salonsavy6476]

Going through the same thing right now,, it’s Exhausting!!,, I don’t live with my mom but she’s so Toxic,, she triangulates all her kids against each other,,, she tells me everyday that she loves her 2 boys and hates her 2 girls,,,how nice !!

[@Vasiushki]

@@salonsavy6476 So sorry to hear that, it's absolutely crazy that a parent would drag their own kids into twisted mind games, isn't it? Plenty of toxic people around but it's a special kind of hell when they are your own family and you had/have to depend on them.

[@KD-qc5fr]

Me too. 😒

[@Cagedontheinside]

@@salonsavy6476 My Mom is the sneaky covert narcissist. She has destroyed all my siblings relationships with me because I say no and try and live my life. She gets caught telling lies and going back and forth . But, she whines and cries and they all try and appease my Mom and her feelings. Rescue team and my Dad blames me for her being upset. Even he says she is never happy. I said you are right but I do not have to be miserable with her. That did not go over well...Just lock them out and do not look back.

[@aprildamski7372]

I had a Malignante father. I was known as a VERY NERVOUS child.

[@dorotheemackenbach4808]

of course you were nervous!

[@Jess-kn8vl]

I was diagnosed with an ulcer at 12 years old. Now as an adult I find it strange the doctors or any other adults didnt find that strange!

[@indigobb]

You make so much sense! That’s a very scary environment! I’m so proud of you for still being here and healing and feelin!

[@JA-ko6xu]

Same here. Sometimes I look back and think about how constantly frightened I was, and it is so painful to think about.

[@aprildamski7372]

​@@dorotheemackenbach4808 Thank you Dorothee.

[@LeilaJane]

For the most part I saw my parents as being totally normal, until as an adult I started noticing the same red flags in my gut with my parents as I had done with all the narcissistic boyfriends I had had. Then everything started making a lot more sense and I was finally able to validate the experiences and hurt emotions I had had as a child.

[@Paramania15]

I'm going through this right now.

[@kamilareeder1493]

I remember staying at a friend's house in college. We got stranded at a club and her dad picked us up and the parents just laughed it off 👀👀 I was shocked ??

[@lanodramallama]

Listening to this, I feel like I was raised by some kind of hybrid narcissist. Elements of each type of narcissism were (and are still) apparent in my parent's behaviour, and the trauma effects of each type also resonate with me: not feeling safe in adult relationships; constantly being on high alert or in a PTSD-type state; feeling intense guilt and obligation towards the narcissist; and above all feeling exhausted.

[@こなた-m1o]

ong me ):

[@glizzard1894]

My mom is the ignoring type. When my sister and I were 4 and 5, she would put us in the yard and lock the doors so we couldn't get in. Then she would put earplugs in and take a nap. We were outside for most of the day. Never checked on us. Never brought us water. Never let us in to use the bathroom.

[@Yourmom_dotcom]

That is horrifying. I’m so sorry you and your sister were treated that way. You did not deserve it. Breaks my heart to hear

[@wisesavedone2721]

🥲🥲🥲🙏🏽🙏🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽❤❤❤❤

[@JohnLW100]

Yes, I had this too. Spent so much time alone as a child locked out of the house in an enclosed yard.

[@ChristieTE]

wtf, why having children the fuck ? i'm sorry to hear this.

[@anyaroz173]

So sorry. My mom did this to me but at an later age. “Go play outside I need to rest.”

[@vanessahollenbach85]

I admire my hubby for surviving his self righteous narc mom and still be the most loving, kind, funny guy and best dad ever xoxoxox

[@tundrawomansays5067]

YYEESSSSS! He made it out! Of course, you are the problem because her adult son is simply under the spell of your powerfully magical hoo-ha. Sonny boy couldn’t possibly have left his abusive mommy dearest on his own...you hussy! :-) Seriously, she sees you as “the other woman.” These crazy ass “mothers” have these really creepy emotionally (at the very least) incestuous relationships with their sons. Congratulations to BOTH of you! Best wishes.

[@angelacavon4073]

@@tundrawomansays5067 she never said she was abusive she just said her hubby survived being with his narc mom and is a good dad that doesn’t make her abusive dumb dumb

[@jerze7854]

I’d like to congratulate my mom on being not only a duel narcissistic mother but now she is also a narcissistic grandmother. She has really ramped up talent.

[@tundrawomansays694]

And this is exactly why you do not allow your kids to have ANY contact with her. If she’s too awful for an adult to barely manage, what hope do we have as kids? Yeah. None. No contact because children can not protect themselves from these Predator/Parasites-and you, as an adult can’t either. Good luck.

[@candilaws]

I feel you on this! I'm 42 and just now getting help. I pray I can change and teach my children who and what she does.

[@truthfan88]

It is hard to see them hurt their grandchildren--it'sa way of seeing what they did to you and realizing it was never your fault but they just were being cruel.

[@thebespokedoctor]

ditto.... I just need to protect my child!

[@caroleyre9144]

I suppose I’m lucky mine weren’t good parents but they are good to their Grandchildren…I’m grateful for that at least. God bless. 💜

[@KeenanDenis]

Mother a neglectful one - no contact since 2012. Father a mix of covert and authoritarian - no contact since 1998. Thanks for uploading these videos, Dr. Ramani. They're really helpful.

[@MygirlsGJPB]

I had two authoritarian narcissists they took all their problems out on us.

[@zenbuddha5947]

You are brave! I wish I could do it!

[@kjq_94]

Today marks one year since I cut my covert narcissist mother out of my life. I've also put my brothers and their families at a far distance, as they enabled all of her behaviors. I'm such a "shame" to them for being gay. My dad, who passed from cancer when I was 10, gave me enough love in those first years that kept me going through the 15 terrible years that followed living under just my mom. I love you, dad. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for giving us resources to help us understand, learn, grow, and heal.

[@elizabethlane9706]

My husband has been gone for 11 years career military man. Outstanding career..I worked all my life as a Healthcare provider in a hospital. My husband flew during his career and was often gone for periods of time. When that was the case I became a single working mother with 3 children and no close family. My husband escaped a dreadful abusive mother to go to war and bring bodies back from Vietnam.. I think he never was able to recover from one way of life to another he lost is father very young and didn't have a father role model for raising 3 boys. He had a bad temper. And he could be too mean to the boys at times. Then he would be OK. I felt like my 3rd job was peacemaker. Everybody went to counseling except him. He was a good person but it turned out that he had PTSD. I FOUND out later in life. Well 20 years later my son married a monster. And fits all of the things Dr Hasanni talks about. I had to remove myself from my son because this woman is so controlling it's crazy. To the point of threatening and lying and abusing me. I never saw anything like this in my life. Usually I would see men be the controller and abuser but this monster blew my mind. I had to get help from my daughter in laws family. So I'm not talking to either of them. Too toxic. I cried everyday for weeks. Thank God I have a counselor I can call. This woman actually lied about things in our families life when my son was growing up and she wasn't around. It's like I think my son tells her things and she adds her slant to the stories KRAZZY. SO just to say these people cab be very vicious. And dangerous. Seriously. Anyone be careful dealing with these psychotic demons. They are real. And they believe their delusions.

[@hariman7727]

Another thing to keep in mind is that the scapegoat and The Golden child for a narcissistic parent will have utterly different experiences as they grow up, but will both be severely damaged by their narcissistic parent's bad parenting.

[@ElizabethMoham]

I noticed that even at work I have to double and triple check everything I say and do, even if I know the answer. I have no confidence in myself, and don’t feel like I could ever handle a leadership position because of the doubt that was instilled in me as a child.

[@Modes_Murphy]

You are not alone. when I’ve been in leadership positions I’ve had to work very hard to keep myself focused and grounded because of the doubt.

[@clogs4956]

I understand. I achieved a management position and then tried to do all the work of my team in case I disappointed my own manager by not doing everything.

[@Brain_Kandi]

Same here....

[@BBB-rd2qi]

This is so profound! I too have that feeling at work, however I deal with it in a different way. I think I can joke and bs my way out of it. That’s where I go emotionally. It’s the same way I dealt with my Narc Dad going up.

[@JudyKaiser-h6i]

You hit the nail on the head. My mother is 96 and probably thinks she will live forever. She made my childhood a living nightmare. For example, we moved 13 times in my 12 years of schooling. She never was there for me. Now, she never misses an opportunity to put me down or to make me feel less than. I have done a ton of counseling and, at 65, I still am not “right.” My 2nd and 3rd marriages were to narcissists. Both ended in divorce. I am now coming to accept that I may need to stay by myself the rest of my life. I know, however, that I love my children and have done almost everything in life to make their lives better - even if they don’t understand it. Thank you for all this information.

[@Liz66bee]

My father was a mixture of the grandiose, malignant and self righteous narcissist. It's all left me with a lot of PTSD symptoms and as a kid I did rebel and did a lot of dangerous things, he chucked me out of the house when I was 18 and left me alone to fend for myself. At last I'm getting therapy and support, i makes so much difference just talking to people who get it :-)

[@wendytaylor9730]

excellent..............the only way to recovery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@11071874]

I had an evil narcissistic father. He was ALL 5 types! Never want to see or hear his voice again. PTSD is real and damaging.

[@justapasserby7285]

Yes that explains one trait of my parent. They go around supporting business and studies of my other cousins , nephew etc but never really for my art. My first tablet was actually given by a friend overseas cause they simply wanted to support my passion. Every art equipment I have now comes from my own pocket

[@KVG822]

My dad is a narc and thinking the world revolves around him, he does what he wants and only his feelings matter while we all have to suppress our own and walk on egg shells.

[@amschons]

I got way too excited when I saw the video title! I love it when you go into family/parent dynamics because that really helps me heal and understand. Keep the family topics coming!!!

[@Dr1zard]

My narcissistic mom gave me social anxiety disorder by the time I was 9 years old and identifying why she was the way that she was has helped a lot in treating my social phobia. For all the people with these parents, I hope you know it was never about you. It's not your fault. I'm in my early 30s now, and in no way cured, but it has gotten much better. You can get help if you look for it, friends.

[@kayas.1782]

I remember my covert narcissist mother bemoaning that everyone has left her, so I (around 5yo) tried to console her and tell her I'm not going anywhere. She brushed me off and told me I'll end up leaving her too. I never promised her loyalty again and eventually, at 18yo I started distancing myself from my family.

[@WarriorConstance]

When I told my mom about every counselor I'd seen suggesting I write a book about the trauma I've endured in my life. She looked at me and laughed a little and said, "Do you really think anybody will believe you, that we are bad people?" The entire lifetime of smear campaign against us scapegoats is because they are afraid someday we will tell our story. By putting into everyone's heads that we are crazy, trouble makers etc for years, If they see it or not, will believe these "upstanding citizens" ,😳🙄🤬. It's complete insanity!!!! But not on our part!

[@EugeniaPortobello]

please write the book ❤

[@WarriorConstance]

@@EugeniaPortobello honestly I have no idea where to start. I have no writing skills. I recently lost my suggestions on my keyboard and realized I've forgotten how to spell lol. ANY suggestions from anyone would be greatly appreciated!!! We NEED something to break that "mental health/illness is vuuudoo to discuss barrier!!!!

[@caroleyre9144]

I have started writing …but the trouble is I don’t know if I want my Adult Children to know everything I was put through bcs of their Grandparent’s bcs they have been good Grandparents to my Children. 🤷‍♀️

[@caroleyre9144]

@@WarriorConstance I’ve started writing as if I’m writing a letter to them kind of…I find it easier and more therapeutic to write by hand not type in a screen that’s just hard work lol.

[@cinemaocd1752]

I would be surprised if your children spent any serious amount of time with them and they didn't know something was off. Esp if they were raised in a safe, stable home. When narcs get older they get sloppier and the mask drops more quickly. Also your children are adults they should be able to handle learning this about their family....@@caroleyre9144

[@jessicamusicslife465]

My father was very grandiose. He did push me to an excessive degree and bragged extensively about me in public but very cruel in private. I felt very empty and nervous and suicidal growing up like that.

[@こなた-m1o]

same but my mom is the one who was like that

[@misse2013]

Co-parenting with my ex is difficult- he is part grandiose narcissist and part communal narcissist. Dr Ramani describes it SO PRECISELY!

[@leahboynton1280]

Yes, my ex too. I consider myself a single parent with a person who attempts to cause chaos. It's complicated but my kids are 13 and 18 now and simply validating their observations about their dad and giving them support to deal with him. Teaching them emotional intelligence is key.

[@ladennayoung2939]

I used to attempt to co-parent with my son's dad, but when I accepted the fact that he wasn't really trying to be involved in my son's life in a healthy way. I stopped communicating with him or what have you altogether.

[@ladennayoung2939]

@@leahboynton1280 My son is 14, and I believe he pretty much have him figured out, and don't want to be bothered with him.

[@leahboynton1280]

@@ladennayoung2939 Yes, my kids too. The validation of what they know gives them wisdom. It’s still hard on their heart but the truth helps them heal not living in a fantasy thinking it will get better. Hugs to you as a mom this stuff is hard x

[@EmeraldMaverickMuse]

My narcissists fit into multiple categories too.

[@МарияМитева-ц8я]

Can you do a video about teenagers dealing with narcissistic parents. Thank you for the educational content.

[@GypsyJulie]

As a teen I wrote in my diary. If you have a safe place to hid your journal, I recommended it. Write out the crap they are pulling and then name it...manipulation, lying, scapegoating...

[@pixiedust0874]

Yes please, really need it

[@jp5623]

PLEASE do this. And PLEASE include the covert side. My teens are struggling.

[@kelly2fly]

Please do one. My kids are suffering too.

[@ancastelapop7575]

Yes please, following

[@ThunderHeart-s8w]

There is a famous poem, “Children Learn what they Live”. It reveals that no matter what you think you are teaching your children, they are learning what they experience in their lives. They base their learning upon their perceptions. The more frequent and focused the experience is, the more likely it is to be perceived to be important enough to take notice of, and to base future perceptions on.

[@robertacmarques]

Sadly, you’re describing my mother . This is week she told me “I have the right to put you down. I’m your mother. I’m the only one who can do that.” I written a message to her telling her i want to be respected and since then she is giving me the silence treatment. I made my decision to cut her of my life. I feel pain in my stomach when i see her photo when she’s calling me. I don’t want this anymore in my life. I’m very afraid to have a child and be like my mother to him/her.

[@parajacks4]

Cut off all contact, block from message apps etc. If necessary, move to another city or country. Space is fabulous at slowly healing you.

[@lifewithlena-og8rm]

That is crazy my mom has said the same words to me all of my life. I have also made the decision to cut her out. Not worth it. Good for you.

[@danrothenhoefer4634]

You are aware of your mother's bad behavior and you don't want to repeat it. Feeling the way you do should be enough to keep you from treating your child the way your mother treated you.

[@tuffguydoe7937]

Same here some reason I've never realized why I was never interested in having my own kids. It's realizing I would never want a child to experience what I did. I was concerned I could some how make the same continuous mental/financial slip ups my did

[@g.h.7661]

My mother is a covert-malignant narcissist. The most terrifying human being I’ve ever met and I still have to see her day to day.

[@virginiasanchis1717]

I feel for you 😢. You got the WORST COMBO

[@caroleyre9144]

That’s my Mother too she’s 77 now she’s getting worse again think may be a touch of Dementia now…but she’s getting like when we were little. My Heart loves her so much and wants her to love me too…but my Brain knows that’s not going to happen now. We got on well mostly too until 2021 🤷‍♀️Lol

[@carsonlogan1969]

My malignant and covert narcissist adopted Mother passed on my 16th birthday. She had me so mentally messed up, I didn't believe she was dead until the family viewing, 3 days later. I thought it was a trap, to trick me, so she could see how I would react to her death. It was the greatest gift, but only those raised in the same cruel insanity would understand that. That was 38 years ago. The damage has followed me my whole life. I pray healing and peace for us all. 🙏🏻💕✌🏻

[@rosielaton9327]

Didn’t know my narcissistic parent till 2 years ago. I recently went no contact with him because I’m pregnant and he is so stressful. My doctor told me that that’s just how dads are when I was talking about it ( relevant to stress management in pregnancy). Lol hard to convince people of narcissistic abuse in 5 minutes I guess.

[@Yourmom_dotcom]

Omg those dismissive comments from people drive me INSANE!

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

No, that’s how YOUR doctor is. Remember if we listen closely people will tell us a lot about themselves

[@mimiscoo1173]

He sounds like a an enabler. That’s horrible I’m sorry. Dads are not like that.

[@rosielaton9327]

@Duck Billed Platypus it was my medical doctor. My councillor has been hearing a lot more then 5 minutes of the story for sure lol

[@rosielaton9327]

@@mimiscoo1173 yea she said that dads don’t care about your feelings and will just say you’re looking fat today. I said it was more then that but she didn’t listen until I said he called baby fat then she was taken aback and said wow your daughter is not fat . So she was starting to see maybe 🤔

[@gangamusing97]

For me....the struggle to feel safe, self worth issues, gaslighting me, second guessing, disregarding my needs and the challenge to accommodate such behaviours makes wide sense now.... Thank you

[@anyaroz173]

I was the perfect child. Always. But my mom frequently told me she loved me. What messed me up is this theme we had in our house “we are the best family in the world and everyone is just jealous”. To this day, I cant take praise. My mom would praise me loudly in front of her friends and their children and The other children always hated me because I was this exemplary goody two shoes.

[@devidaughter7782]

yes, making children be 'perfect' to reflect well on the parent is a form of child abuse I believe! the consequences can be life-long: being out of touch with our true selves, automatically pleasing others and meeting their expectations (without them even asking), feeling conflicted about getting attention (wanting it but feeling uncomfortable with praise), and feeling guilt and discomfort from the resentment of others who aren't accorded the 'golden' status! Moreover, we don't get to develop the whole of our personalities- to be sassy as well as sweet, fierce as well as friendly, assertive as well as agreeable, and we definitely suppress anger and all 'taboo' emotions. We can appear to be very 'well adjusted', but actually be deeply fragmented inside, and its hard (for us and others) to acknowledge our secret suffering because we are rewarded and maybe even 'pedestalized' for being pleasing! The lifelong inner conflict that comes from being in this role can be deeply debilitating, and it can take years to break out of the 'domesticated' persona, and to find our true personality, voice and self-respect.

[@davidhinkson8856]

Now that's wrong! How did she treat you all behind the scenes?

[@LinYouToo]

My mom did and does the similar thing. She and I could be out to lunch sitting at a table for two and if someone sits down next to us the next thing I know my mom talks loudly to me saying things like, well about the promotion you just got! And then she goes on and on and I feel so embarrassed. It’s like she wants to bask in the glow of sunshine created by my success and accomplishments. She’s using me to feel good about herself. Always has and always will.

[@anyaroz173]

@@davidhinkson8856 thats why I am conflicted, she treated me great behind the scenes too... but I kind of did what I was told, I didnt really rebel. And she would hug me and say how happy she is to have such an amazing child. It changed when I went to college and picked a career path she didnt choose for me. Then all hell broke loose

[@anyaroz173]

@@LinYouToo oh my god mine does this all the time!

[@rachelmartineau8102]

My mother had 2 daughters. Someone came up to her and asked "How is your daughter?" She not once asked which daughter. She immediately started to talk about my sister that on a year long trip. He told my mom " I just saw her yesterday leaving a store. My mom responded to him. I can't remember who told me but it was extremely hurtful. Why wouldn't you ask the person " which daughter? I have two"

[@mariewilliams6631]

Hi it's sad you had to go through that there videos on KZbin about dbt and cbt and sue blackhurst has good videos on re building self esteem.

[@raymondearnestlong8822]

I feel your pain 🙏❤ Ive learnt over my 42 yrs they will never change cus they don't get it 🤷‍♂️

[@raymondearnestlong8822]

Ive also learnt try not let them in your head as it does hurt. All my family ignore me due to me talking out.... I lost the plot at first and that made me realise they arent worth getting upset over as they don't care anyway 🤷‍♂️ Blesings you know ❤

[@habermanfamily2196]

Just sending a hug

[@denisedevoto2834]

I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. My mother has two daughters as well. My cousin once told me that my sister was considered the center of the universe for my mother, and I was an afterthought. I haven't spoken to my mother in over 2 years.

[@lisamichelle8413]

When I was a child I felt neglected, but always made excuses for them. They were over authoritarian and the only birthday party I had was my 21st which I didn’t even want but they wanted to show off to everyone else in the family. I don’t know how I didn’t even see this till much later. I was never allowed to have friends over, or go to friends da houses. They never came to see me play sport or concerts and if I wanted to go they wouldn’t even take me, they made me walk or make arrangements with others.

[@free2beme773]

Very, very similar experience for me. What’s crazier is that even into my late adulthood, one of my parents still got mad and would actually act pouty and try to stop me (by using emotional blackmail) when I would want to go over to a relative’s house or friend’s house when I was visiting my parent from out of state. They have always made me feel like I was intruding on other people (outright telling me so), even when I was invited, and try to get me to say no. The only acceptable socializing was to go to church or meet at a restaurant with family (not friends) for Sunday lunch after church. Eventually I refused to go to either church or restaurant lunches with the large groups of people because I realized they just sucked my energy and time and did not allow me to develop the personal connections I needed. Now I know, thanks to Dr Ramani, that I would have been better off not visiting the parent. And, I now know I was making attempts to set healthy boundaries. It was better for me, but would have been better if I had understood what I was dealing with - narcissistic abuse.

[@bobanname2045]

Sorry you got shitty parents. Know the feeling. Hugs 🤗 to you. Make sure you're extra kind to yourself. You deserve kindness, respect and love.

[@tracyross5831]

You saw it MUCH later, like the rest of US......Mobile phones and the information they supply, is EXTREMELY Helpful.......Just be GLAD that you see it NOW, and being OLDER, you CAN deal with the Hurt, a LOT BETTER, than when you were a child...... BLESS EVERYONE who has been through it, and GOOD LUCK, in getting AWAY, and having a HAPPY LIFE...."HERE'S TO US"🍷🍷🍷❗❗👍

[@free2beme773]

@@tracyross5831 I appreciate your support for those of us who have been abused. I agree that information is extremely helpful and that finding others who understand is crucial. You are correct that children will always find it very difficult to understand and too protect themselves when a parent is narcissistic. Yet, I can't feel glad that I discovered this when I am over a half century on because it means that I have experienced the abuse for that long and have been confused and in pain for that long. I know that that the hurt and pain have caused tremendous damage to me and my children - emotionally, psychologically, financially, and in many other ways. The abuse did not stop after I became an adult. In fact, it is still ongoing. The difference is that I am now learning to identify it, name it, and try to set up boundaries. But, the years of unprocessed pain and damage are still there. The years of reactions and internalizing and self-deprecation caused by the abuse are very difficult to change. The complexity of the damage caused to my own personal trajectory has forever changed who I am and what I can accomplish and what my support system looks like - which is nearly non-existent. And, the damage done between me and my own kids was insidious. It would have been so, so, so much better to have understood this as a child or very young adult. Now I have to live with the grief and consequences of a life I never achieved and try to learn skills I was never taught or never had opportunity to learn in order to stay safe and to move forward. After a lifetime of behaving one way, it's hard to shift gears, cut people out of my life, set strong boundaries with the ones I have to leave in my life, and develop healthier relationships with my immediate family. It's hard to try to educate myself and go back to work after a lifetime of being a rescuer who was never paid for my work and was invalidated and devalued even when educated and skilled in the areas I provided services and care. All this would have been so much easier for me at age 21 than it is now. Nevertheless, I agree wholeheartedly that being positive and joyful and excited to move out of the confusion and pain and away from the abusers is something to celebrate! I'm grateful everyday when I get that email or call and I can decide I don't have to respond! It feels so good to know that I'm not a bad person, that I'm not responsible, that it is healthy for me to set the boundaries I have. And, it's wonderful to know I have a plan that will eventually free me of all the narcissists that have hurt me for so long. It doesn't stop the grief of years of anguish, but it gives me hope and energy to be in this moment today. 👍☺

[@libertysprings2244]

A whole generation was raised that way in the 70s and 80s. We were latchkey kids. I think modern parents take it too far the other way by focusing only on their kids needs 24/7 and giving up all of their own friends to chauffeur their kids to every activity they could possibly desire. There must be a happy medium somewhere.

[@Sarah-pj4vo]

After a very unraveling experience 3 years ago, I now know my late mother displayed significant traits that overlap with vulnerable, neglectful and suffocatingly self-righteous narcissism. And yes, her own family was a narcissistic cluster of emotional and psychological dysfunction!

[@katelyn7359]

I can’t believe that I got stuck in something like this.

[@paytensplace5046]

Same.

[@joseenoel8093]

I know, right?

[@sarahsaleh1305]

Same feeling here

[@butterfly8083]

I can't believe it took me 50 years, 2 foster families, 4 therapists, and a psychiatrist to get to no contact with my covert, neglectful mother. God bless Dr. Ramani for helping me turn the final corner. Be strong y'all. Like Dr. R. says... "Self preservation is a right."

[@schweetnemo]

This video gave more clarity than years of therapy

[@SourpatchkidsLiterally]

Living with a parent who is now elderly and me being 45yo. I've recognized this years ago which my mother is a combination of all of these depending on what situation suits best. It's a definite hell I don't wish on anyone.

[@anewchapter1336]

Same here...I just turned 49 and my mother had a stroke and is now living in part of our house. My siblings won't help at all.

[@SourpatchkidsLiterally]

@@anewchapter1336 same here. The siblings are just as bad as her feeding the behavior and validating it so they don't have to deal with her. Almost to the point of dropping her infront of social services and selling my house to live my life elsewhere

[@anewchapter1336]

@@SourpatchkidsLiterally Oh my, I know what you mean!

[@miuthub7954]

I thought I am/ was going crazy and doing something wrong in any and every interaction. Now I realise very slowly I'm not... How to exit when siblings won't help and cultural expectations are so in parental favour? Practicing coping strategies but ultimately I would not even live with any "enemy" like this. The inconsistency about every matter is maddening!

[@emilyblanzy7426]

I had a self-righteous narcissist mom. She was overally strict and is still obsessed with saving money. Shame and fear of judgment has alway followed me

[@princesssayers8057]

I would appreciate a video on what happens when a public narcissist dies. When my father died, our large family were so shocked at what other people had to say about him at his funeral. We felt as though we didn't know the person they were talking about. It was very traumatizing to hear how he had helped other people when he would pridefully refuse to help us with even the most mundane and simple things that he seemed so quick to do for other people, especially those whom he held in high regard.

[@Bubblies005]

Thank you for this. My family has generational narcissistic behaviors. My Mom is covert, my Dad is neglectful, and my grandparents are community. I’m still figuring out if I am a narcissist because of how I was raised and working on changing the behaviors I learned.

[@pointofviewmine2607]

Like do I have empathy? I was always told I'm selfish n evil n I was invisible child in primary n then scapegoat.. Same story expect my mom was enabler ...

[@pointofviewmine2607]

I meant till primary school

[@Walklikeaduck111]

You probably do have empathy.. Trauma can make us numb or dissociated or fearful of relationships. So cultivating a relationship with yourself and being compassionate and pro yourself is a huge long learning process...

[@cailin5309]

@@pointofviewmine2607 being told you are evil & selfish for having ANY thought of yourself above their needs/wants is a classical conditioning of a narcissistic parent. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself or do things that benefit you before others. That’s actually what you’re supposed to do. If you can’t love yourself you’ll be taken advantage of throughout your whole life

[@sophvdh8831]

@Poem2myself thanks for commenting this, I was going to if someone didn’t!

[@NF40375]

My mother told my brother via email: “I could have aborted you when everyone said you were going to be a burden I didn’t want to at first, but when I wanted to it was too late I birthed you I baptized you After that you’re on your own” We have the email evidence…..word for word Brother has cut her off, estranged and he’s ghosted and grieved her and tries to cope with the loss of the motherly void and abuse My mother told me to my face: “when you were born, you had more energy than I could handle. I remember when you were a toddler going up the stairs and I hoped you’d fall back and it would be done with. I too, have cut off, estranged, ghosted and grieved the void and abuse of this mother. We created our own family unit of 5. To our own traditions, customs, etc. we couldn’t be happier.

[@MsKiddah]

Gosh… I’m so sorry that happened to you 😭😭* hugs*

[@ABlessman]

I can't imagine the pain you experienced. I'm so sorry.

[@juleeperkins8142]

I had the exact same thing come out of my mother’s mouth. I was 11 when she told me she wanted to abort me. It has caused severe emotional damage. I have C-PTSD but I’m still here with a middle finger on each hand up. Now that my dad is dead, she wants me to drive her around all while trying to jab me with her nastiness. Not happening. I survived her abuse and dgaf if she gets where she wants to go. Figure it out - she aborted any relationship we might have had.

[@kristenarold-bender6939]

I also was often told I was never wanted-along with so many other shaming things. When my mother(the narcissistic parent)was pregnant with my sister, who is 10 years younger, I heard her arguing constantly with my stepdad about not wanting her and wanting an abortion. My narcissistic mother was married 9 times-all to abusive men, except for 2 and had many other boyfriends through the years that she (so we also) lived with. At 16, I came home to a note on the table saying I was old enough to take care of myself and she had left town with her boyfriend. She stated she paid one months rent and I should be grateful that she was doing this for me. She did the same thing to my sister when she turned 16. I have not spoken to my mother in 9 years (I am 56). I wish I had been stronger sooner-I have so much less stress in my life. Of course, I am not completely healed from the trauma of my childhood.

[@runningonthebeach2853]

Why do narcissist parents feel.the need to tell their kids that they were unplanned and almost terminated them? My mother told me this too and I believe it's so you feel indebted to them for your life.

[@kaarellehtsalu]

My mother was a combination of different types. Malignant, covert and selfrighteous have all traits that ring very familiar to me. Me and my little brother were constanly on egg shells, belittled and threatened with horrible things she could do. That built up different emotions in us - confusion and sadness turned into hate and contempt. And it only felt even more enraging and hopeless when other people (neighbors and such) saw her as this good (communal) mother who cared for everyone. She was a social worker - I think to this day that how could she have been this caring and emphatic person (what a social worker, in my mind, should be) to outside world and at the same time be this horrific person at home who you could never get support or even advice from. It was the opposite. I learned from quite a young age that I can not go to her with any of my troubles or fortunes. Everything I said would be held against me. If not right away then in the near future. And all that terror hovered over me even in my twenties and unfortunately I could not even tell how it all affected me for so long. Now I am 35. No contact with her for several years. Worked on myself in therapy and doing better. I have a wife and a son and I am leading a happy, open hearted life. I try not to bring my childhood trauma to our life and so far it has worked. My wife knows of all of this and supports me when I need it in my bad days, but I am not going to carry this over to my son. He will not have to deal with my trauma. If I can manage that, then I have done well.

[@wendybothma3548]

God bless you with complete healing. I’m so glad for you that you escaped, got help and have a supportive wife.