#174

[@andrea9797mdd]

Sex is such a gift to marriage. Married 23 years and it's been a glue that's bonded us that nothing else can, through the good and bad times. Love my husband to bits and am even more attracted to him today than the day we got married.

[@IAmTheEggMan111]

You know how I solved my defensiveness tendencies? I dumped the woman that complained all the time and got with someone who actually appreciates me and what I bring to the relationship. Turns out I wasn't too defensive, I was just living with someone who liked to complain all the time. Cause and effect

[@kellygreenii]

Ding! That’s the problem. The stereotype that it’s always the guys fault. Society indulges women in this habit of blaming men for their problems.

[@IAmTheEggMan111]

@@Deport_All_nonWhites yes she was just like you, complaining all the time. Good riddance

[@kellygreenii]

@@Deport_All_nonWhites No. He found a woman who is actually a grown up. She realizes that he’s not perfect, and neither is she. What a lot of women do is hypothetically demand from men “standards” that they themselves can’t (or don’t want to) live up to. Oh, and God forbid he does, and then expects it in return. Then out come the accusations of being a “narcissist” or “controlling”. Because you don’t accept her acting out like a teenager….

[@Deport_All_nonWhites]

@@kellygreenii *realise

[@Deport_All_nonWhites]

@@kellygreenii Cope.

[@paulbooij7594]

My biggest turn-off is hearing my wifes negative/offended tone. Whether she uses it on me or my kids, it doesn't matter.

[@ThePbag]

A lot of this boils down to, for men, being happy. Even if you're just acting as if. When you seem calm and contented (within reason, of course), your wife will come right back to you. I'm in the middle of seeing the benefits of that approach right now, and it's lovely, although it has been a difficult road to get here. Worth it!

[@BloodyHeck]

I'm on my third marriage and each of my wives unique sexual drives changed as soon as we got married. For my first wife, her drive changed to a need for another guy. My second changed to quitting work and sitting at home playing video games. For my current, she has a common sex drive for married women, it vanished.

[@carlmiller8138]

Dude.. why did you repeat the insanity 3x times??

[@edheldude]

Why the f are you still married? Married women don't lose sex drive, she just used it to get what she wanted which is security. You're a beta provider my man. Get some masculinity coaching.

[@deec3561]

You’re the common denominator!

[@BloodyHeck]

Because they would do a really good job of fooling me beforehand.

[@dat581]

@@BloodyHeck I hope you divorce this one and never marry again. Don't do it to yourself. Tell her exactly why your are kicking her out too.

[@Cayuse2009]

Thanks, Suzanne for trying. I was married for 30 years when she filed for divorce to set herself up for the rest of her life by having the divorce court give her 67 % of my life savings. She didn't have any savings as she was a narcissist and couldn't hold a job. She had become so cold that when I had a heart attack and had to be driven 200 miles by my son to have heart surgery, she stayed home. The divorce court system is so in favor of the woman, that men have drastically cut down on men getting married. Instead we are going our own way and have peace in our lives.

[@ssing7113]

Sorry to hear the lack of care after that long Can you possibly speak on the sex aspect of your relationship with a narcissist for other viewers to better educate themselves ?

[@brianc7610]

MGTOW

[@Baltimorelax]

Hopefully that opened your son’s eyes to the horrors of marriage & he made the decision to never, ever get married.

[@elizabethlondon7754]

Courts favor the toxic party since the toxic party will pay whatever it takes to get what they want or get the other party to pay up to stop being terrorized. Women get bullied like this, too, especially if the guy was physically abusive. My fiance rn has agreed with me that we don't want a legal marriage AT ALL. If that costs us rights, whatever. Marriage is now a legal institution used to get the state to be a bulldog for whichever party was in the wrong. I was married to a narcissist, too, and I get it. I really feel we should call them adult bullies. People get it.

[@danieallen5609]

So sorry to hear that your wife suffered for so long while you ignored her needs. You married her bad mouthing her is just a reflection on you.

[@rebelmom9952]

Thanks Suzanne! That was really great! Ive been married almost 23 years, and was able to stumble upon many of these ideas over the years. But I sure need reminders sometimes! I also wanted to add its okay, if your husband isn't providing the romance, its okay to set the scene for yourself! Who knows better than you what relaxes you and gets you in the mood?

[@kristinmoore4624]

It's hard for me to hear this because I just don't believe it. My husband and I are about to celebrate 17 years of marriage and couldn't go more than a day without sex. Years? We might die. I don't know if it's because I'm a redhead or just love my husband but I'd never neglect him in such a way.

[@MiddlemistOne]

It sounds like you two have a very special connection, unfortunately most marriages aren't that way. Most people don't marry someone they have a connection to or a strong one.

[@vader9598]

Wish I had a wife like you! 27 years married and the last 7 celibate. But it is too costly for me to leave, and my grandson now needs me around. I hope your husband treasures you!

[@MiddlemistOne]

@@vader9598 That's sad.

[@vader9598]

@Reana.A it is indeed! It took a long time to just accept and realize I was not in her list of priorities at all. I wish I had this info when I was younger and could have changed course. Now I am watching this content and it is too late. Thank you though!

[@MiddlemistOne]

@@vader9598 if it is too late than why are you watching this content?

[@quietpiehole]

Thank you for all these cool videos. I've been listening to many podcasts with my marriage coming up to try to ensure that I properly understand how my previous relationships fell apart and how to make sure I have a happy and forever marriage that is rare in my family. Your videos are super informative. 🙂

[@mystik.mermayde.aotearoa]

I'm the same! 🙏🌷💖

[@bigol7169]

Good on you for trying. Many women these days seem to think that their job is to merely receive. Rarely do they ask 'how was I wrong' or 'how could I improve'

[@quietpiehole]

@@bigol7169 In my opinion, there's no point in focusing on the mistakes of the other person because you can't improve them, only yourself and your choices.

[@quietpiehole]

In my opinion, there's no point in focusing on the mistakes of the other person because you can't improve them, only yourself and your choices. I'm not sure why my comment didn't appear so I'm trying again.

[@curlyq3152]

Hey Suzanne please do an episode about men/ husband who don’t put out. It would help me out a lot.

[@robertreilly4946]

I don't understand the question.

[@Mamasparky86]

Scheduling sex is something my husband and I agreed on once our first child was born. After marriage we were still having a lot of sex; dare I say more than when we were just being boyfriend and girlfriend. However, once children came along, we both realized that sex wasn’t going to be spontaneous as it was in the past. So we agreed on at least once a week. I have a daily planner that I write in everyday. I write down what I did with the kids, what I cleaned, etc etc. And if my husband and I made love that day, I would draw a little heart in the corner. If I noticed it had been three or more days since doing the devils tango I would make a mental note to jump him the moment both our boys were in bed. Currently I am five months pregnant with our 3rd and final child, and boy has our sex life taken a huge hit. My previous pregnancies with my boys were a walk in the park and we still made love at least once a week. This time around? I am hit with every symptom in the book that makes sex almost impossible at times. One example was just last week, we were in the middle of it and suddenly I had to scramble off the bed and go hurl in the garbage. Mood completely ruined. Now thankfully my husband and I communicate wonderfully, and so half the time I am simply “helping him” find that release because I am unable to fully participate. It’s working for us temporarily, but dear lord we are counting down the months till we can make love properly again without me trying to restrain from hurling

[@bigol7169]

You are a wonderful wife. If I were married and too tired to pump (it can be quite the workout), I would do anything for my girl that she wanted otherwise. You can do so much other than just PIV. Vibes, toys, go down, you name it. Glad you're in a loving relationship

[@dennishansel9526]

If my wife of thirty years were to say "Whatever you think" without her voice dripping with sarcasm I would drop dead from a heart attack.

[@mystik.mermayde.aotearoa]

I tried that for a few weeks with my partner and he eventually asked what was wrong with me. He was really disappointed that i no longer seemed to have an opinion or ideas. He said when i was joining in on discussions, giving my opinions and ideas etc, it showed that i had a brain and we could have interesting conversations. And it also showed him that i cared about him when i would come up with ideas for things to do together or help with the planning. He's very manly but also sensitive in ways that most men aren't... So I guess not all men are so straightforward to understand 🥰

[@EternaLivesMatter]

Apparently someone in the comment section does not get the definition of sarcasm nor how it differs from joining in on a discussion and giving your point of view. I feel really sorry for you that you have to deal with that from your wife.

[@justmontina]

My husband and I were divorcees and married when I was in my 40s and he’s in his 50s. He’s 10 years older than me and doesn’t have the same sex drive as I do. I’m fit and would love if we’d have more sex. I brought it up to him about a year ago and he says I take all his energy. 😂

[@bigol7169]

Tell him there are other ways to please you... Pumping isn't necessary. Use vibes and other toys, go down etc. There is so much to do other than pump

[@ali-cx9dj]

Sometimes there are sex draughts. I hate the term sexless. Hang on. Work it out. Schedule massages, not sex. We did. Now we are more attracted than ever.

[@lorysipel6823]

So glad I found you! Sharing you with my daughters. ❤

[@bumpercoach]

Ladies Here's a helpful heater upper HE GAVE YOU WHAT MANY MANY OTHER WOMEN WANT so make place for that GRATITUDE or at least competition anxiety or social proof work for the benefit of your children who deserve loving parents who build love with each other ... if he hasn't removed his commitment HOW DARE YOU REMOVE SEX...doing that instantly cancels the marriage... Don't choose to ex yourself

[@Baltimorelax]

It’s long past time for all men to reject marriage. Most women don’t want marriage sex, fine, deny them the marriage they want.

[@bigol7169]

Yet sex is nowhere to be found on paper. The contract says nothing about sex. If she withholds, even forever, she has not broken anything legally.

[@bumpercoach]

LOL@@bigol7169 women need to be aware of their ultimate error... Even tho the modesty of millenia has left it implicit, EVERYONE KNOWS it's the deal but women just keep proving their tendency to swallow the lies of the enemy of their happiness

[@bigol7169]

@@bumpercoach very true. Since it's not part of the legal contract, perhaps it's best to discuss it before you marry. Ask something like 'Libidos change over time. What is the minimum amount of sex we will tolerate, barring extreme circumstances?'

[@andyd4684]

It's unfortunate that being the "rock" puts a man in a hardplace. The idea that you need to be confident, assured, and bold - but simutaneously receptive and open. This leaves the dynamic of the man stuck trying to find the balance in a culture of "if he can't handle me at my worst, he doesn't deserve my best", increasing narcassistic behavior, and unrealistic expectations imho feeds into why men become passive. Can't get it "right" or be treated with respect, so why keep trying"

[@andyd4684]

18:00 - conflict avoidant and hearing whatever you need to hear. Embrace that is super sexy. "Dealing with a problem, have a structure, plan for getting out of it." Listen, but still solve the problem - my concern is the perogative to move the goal post (ie: the "yes, but" game). This facilitates frustration on the part of men - usually voiced, but not heard until "anger" is displayed. Add in the dynamic of suddenly having to comfort her emotions resulting from him finally speaking on his concerns. Moving again the goalpost to her paradigm. Result - peace at any price(passive) because why continually push the boulder up the hill.

[@andyd4684]

@@Jedimack7 not to dismiss issues many women face in relationships, simply adressing the consistent issue many men deal with in hypocritical behavior by women - i want vulnerable/open man - conditionally, while expecting the man to "handle" their behavior - unconditionally. Add in culture at present (1st comment with rising narcissism) - results in men being "drunk" as a coping mechanism in and out of relationships. The lack of introspection is mindblowing.

[@ericlarousse1149]

Agreed. And I find that the thing that works the best-dominating them and being a dictator, which keeps the in their place and happy, while keeping their pussy wet and getting to bitch and moan to their friends- is too much work and makes me feel guilty. They want a benevolent dictator, but why would you want to be one all the time? It would be great to give them the control they think they want, and let them do most of the work, but then everything falls apart, as we know.

[@Tnc874]

​@@ericlarousse1149 wow

[@Sheba_316]

One thing you might have left out is good male grooming and hygiene is very attractive to women. Smelling nice makes a man irresistible.

[@Refiningforge]

Clean teeth!

[@thesb2836]

Things that Husbands do that turn Wives off: - Avoiding conflict and retreating like a coward to the woods instead of tackling an uncomfortable problem (a big one) - Anger, inability to manage negative emotions (another big one) - Defensiveness, and responding as if everything is a shot against them - Being passive, unclear and hesitant to make decisions - Drunk, not just drunk with alcohol but drunk with affairs, hobbies and cares of life. Things that turn Wives on - being decisive - being honest about how you feel - tackling a problem and leading in hard conversations - showing resilience, mental fortitude in challenges Things that Wives do that turn Husbands off - being a mother instead of a wife - complaining -being disagreeable and argumentative - letting yourself go physically Things that turn Husbands on - positive affirmations - being pleasant, smiling - looking pretty and making an effort

[@kellygreenii]

Being pleasant, and understanding that men handle conflict differently than women. Women will often act out in ways that make them feel better, but significantly increase the man’s level of stress. Men will often put up stop-signs at that point or make efforts to de-escalate the situation. Which women often ignore. A man withdrawing from a conflict is a huge one. He is self-aware enough to know that managing his anger is becoming difficult, so to protect you…his is trying to use space to de-escalate the situation. Let. Him. Go. Manage you own emotions to respect what he needs to do to manage his. But far to often women will angrily and anxiously pursue thinking they are dealing with another woman…and continue to escalate the situation. When men speak of “disrespectful” behavior from women, this is often what they are talking about. That unwillingness to recognize and respect personal boundaries…and efforts by men to try to maintain those boundaries.

[@thesb2836]

Agreeableness and timing will help keep the peace but it will not solve the problem of a man who chooses to avoid conflict instead of facing it as the leader of the family. Husbands shouldn't invest in constant conflict avoidance because not only does this show cowardice and poor management, but this will likely result in resentment and wives deferring to a competent man like her father to solve it.

[@kellygreenii]

@@thesb2836 Why do people always want to argue from the extremes rather that deal with the typical. Even if the guy does “constantly” avoid it, it doesn’t accomplish anything to pursue him. Especially if you’re the reason why he’s trying to avoid it. Because the woman handles the conflict in an immature fashion herself.

[@andyd4684]

​@@thesb2836 shaming - "cowardice" avoidance doesn't equate to cowardice. "management" - it's a person's own responsibility to "manage" themselves and their emotions - not turn their partner into an punching bag because they lack self control (physically and emotionally). How often is it lost on people - understand your audience and remember often how something is said has more impact then what is being said. If you want to be heard, speak accordingly.

[@thesb2836]

​@@andyd4684 a husband lacking the ability to handle conflict does not mean he has been made a punching bag. This is not what the godmother Venker is talking about, and yes, men who avoid conflict constantly are acting cowardly. "Managing " in this context can be seen as leading the family.

[@suzanbarnes401]

Regarding men being softened toward women after sex, in some cases it doesn’t seem to be true. I think my husband has it backwards. He is attentive until it’s over and the tension is released, and afterwards he just moves on to the next thing. It feels like I’m an afterthought until he has sex in mind again. Maybe I’m doing something wrong.

[@MiddlemistOne]

Have you told him what you want?

[@AidenMoore-rj9om]

I had to tell my husband that it hurt me that he didnt cuddle me after sex. it wasnt an argument...I just said it made me feel insecure. that helped us. maybe it will help you.

[@timothyrday1390]

Women have to understand the difference in male sexual build-up and release. When he disengages afterward, it's nothing personal or something women are doing wrong. Men experience intense arousal and release, but then they get this strange, almost icky feeling right after. It's as if they feel ashamed that they let their animal instincts get ahold of them (as men often pride themselves on being rational creatures, they feel intensely stripped of that rationality in that following moment). That feeling is the complete opposite of arousal, so they need a bit of time to let the icky, shame feeling pass before they can cuddle. The problem is that for women it's the exact opposite. Their arousal lingers afterward and they feel that icky feeling if they *don't* have a continued physical connection. There is no easy answer, but if you are a woman, just realize that it will take 10-15 minutes (at minimum) for a man to re-engage and cuddle. I also suggest, at a normal non-intimate time (although it may be awkward, it's worth communicating about it) letting him know that you know how he feels in that moment. I guarantee that a man will sincerely appreciate a woman who expresses understanding about how he feels immediately post-climax. You can then tell him, as a woman, that you get that same icky feeling if you are not immediately cuddled, so a good compromise would be for both of you to understand that you will have to feel that feeling separately right after, but try to get back to cuddling the sooner the better.

[@timothyrday1390]

@suzanebarnes401 One thing I might add for what you describe, is that it's not right for him to generally ignore you unless he only wants to be intimate, and it's not right for him not to make an effort to re-engage with you not long after being intimate. You could communicate those issues to him if you believe that it is causing you serious strain in the relationship.

[@TGP109]

That's most men unfortunately.

[@sasameans]

My husband and I have been together for 13 years. We got married a few months after I turned 18. Sex is a big problem in our house! I want more of it. I don’t think he really cares if we ever have it. I feel like he is totally fine with just being roommates. I want sex often, but I would settle for 2 to 3 times a week. We don’t have kids. I’m just looking for something to help get him in the mood more often!

[@davidr9589]

He's a fool

[@rebeccashifflet8843]

It could be his hormone levels. A ton of peoples hormones are all out of wack. Maybe you guys go get your hormones Checked together.

[@psyche8187]

He needs to not watch porn. Ask him if he watches it.

[@Anamericanhomestead]

He needs to stop watching porn and give him a Pine Pollen supplement. You're welcome. 👍

[@paulbooij7594]

Is he overweight? (Insecurity kills libido as does being in bad shape) Does he watch porn? (If he has unlimited sexual access to women through porn he doesn't need you) Do you make sex feel like a chore or responsibility? (If you do this very long, it becomes a turn-off)

[@happy_bubble7]

Nothing dries a woman up like telling her man she needs him to be more romantic and forward and him blaming her because she did a thing one time or sometimes. Just because she didnt want pizza last Tuesday, doesnt mean she isnt praying you'll order it to be delivered tonight. Unfortunately, speaking to your spouse in "I feels," only actually works if your spouse knows how to respond. In my experience the conversation goes absolutely no differently than if I DID say "you always, you never. "

[@smith899]

Before children, as we lovingly call BC, I didn’t understand why slinky nightgowns were popular! I figured it out. 🤣 I can not longer walk around the house naked. 😳🤣

[@MasculinMatter]

Listening in not an 'art', it is a skill. People think that because they can hear they know how to listen. When Suzy claims it is hard what she actually is saying is that she listens defensively. Which is in stark contrast to her advice for men to not listen that way.

[@The_Sacred_Feminine]

I am sooo sick of hearing that men want more sex!!! My husband is not one of those men. We went 3 years with nothing. Then 10 years with nothing. He never said anything about missing it at all! It has ALWAYS been a fight. I want once a week; he is fine with a few times a year. It is a huge problem for me, but the one who wants less is in control.

[@awsambdaman]

I would guess he has a porn problem

[@christinarichie6171]

He needs to take Testosterone and change his diet/lifestyle. Why would you put up with that?? That's a room mate situation not an intimate relationship.

[@annemadden7920]

@@awsambdamanthat’s the case a lot of the time.

[@beequeen626]

Does he watch porn? My friends husband was the same way due to porn addiction.

[@The_Sacred_Feminine]

@@beequeen626 don't think so

[@ninagrace-lee8323]

Listened to the podcast. But I’m waiting on the part where Suzanne acknowledges how painful or traumatic sex is for some women. Forget turning her on, is she comfortable? Does she feel safe? Has she ever enjoyed sex? Does she typically like it? Has she ever felt unsafe or scared during sex? You cant ignore this. Many women get triggered during sex because of sexual trauma. And telling her to “just do it” kinda overlooks that women have been closing their eyes and just doing it for centuries. That makes it a chore for the woman, and it makes the man feel like it’s not worth doing.

[@mystik.mermayde.aotearoa]

I was thinking the same thing. For generations (or millenia maybe) women have felt that they have to "just do it" to please their husbands. I get Suzanne's message that both sides should compromise, but if it wasn't properly understood on both sides it could easily turn into a negative/abusive situation with the woman just doing it to please her man, and feeling degraded and used. And this is *SO* common. It's probably more uncommon when it doesn't happen like that in a relationship.

[@ninagrace-lee8323]

@@mystik.mermayde.aotearoa Yes I think sex should be enjoyed by both parties. And often in marriages, it ends up being a chore for the woman. We go through so many changes in our body - I would hope if a man loves his wife, he’d try to understand. There are women who do have great sex lives during their marriage, and true key I have seen is reducing stress on the woman. Slow living, lots of breaks where you give her space to think and not do chores, some time away from kids regularly. That way she still feels like someone other than a mother, the kind of person who would still crave sex. Just noticing how many women don’t have an identity after marriage - everything they do and are known for is the marriage and kids. Makes me nervous about getting married myself. I think it would deeply wound me to only be seen as someone’s wife and not…me? Especially since I didn’t marry young so I have a core identity and habits cemented by now

[@DieselGlori]

I agree and I’m a survivor of some pretty effed up sexual situations BUT this is where I think you should marry someone with whom you and sex ARE comfortable. I feel so considered, worshipped, admired, and lusted over by my partner lol its night and Day from other experiences and relational context that has made me uncomfortable

[@DieselGlori]

Basically, address this BEFORE marriage

[@bananewane1402]

I can’t count the number of arguments between my mum and dad where dad has been completely, unequivocally WRONG and had she not challenged him, he would have made the whole family do something stupid. I will not just go along with someone who is wrong.

[@orangeandslinky]

Would you marry a woman if they lived by this law or code? Women say they live by this: "It is the RIGHT of every woman, to change her mind, about anything, at any time, for whatever reason, anytime or any place."

[@Avoid_Low_Frequency]

Wow! Eye opening! Thank you

[@stillwatersfarm8499]

I have always felt rather triggered by the “it’s always the man who wants more sex” comment. It has never been true in my 23 years of marriage. There’s always that little caveat “not always”. But it just makes you feel even worse - like what the hell is wrong with me that I’m not beating my husband off. I just think we can say “there’s usually one partner with a higher sex drive” and leave off the rest. I discovered that how my husband feels about his career performance and meeting his self imposed objectives as a provider have a huge impact on his drive. I wasn’t the problem. A lot of needless heartache from messaging as young person telling how men and women’s sex drives should be.

[@DavidRichardson28]

Lol last time we were both tipsy we had our daughter. That was over 2 years ago. She hasn't had a single drink since lol

[@daisyrenee]

😂

[@keitoth9697]

Wonderful! New to your show!

[@Reply-who-me]

There was no better anti-feminism pill than my narcissistic “hippie” 2nd wave feminist mother. I’m doing everything I can to not repeat her marriage mistakes.

[@OziBlokeTimG]

Tired of pandering to women. The best thing she did was walk out the door. It was tough , I'm pretty much over the pain.

[@donfranklin6956]

You nailed it.

[@stephenbonaduce7852]

I was taking a guess as to the sexiest thing a woman can say to a man, and I will confess: I was not even in the BALLPARK! 😀 I can't have my wife saying something like, "Yes, whatever you want." In my mind, Admiral Akbar will immediately be screaming, "IT'S A TRAP!"

[@Grace-rx7cv]

Also I think when a man is doing romance it needs to feel genuine, like he is doing it to genuinely cherish his wife and not that he is doing something transactional and thinking I did X now I expect sex.

[@orangeandslinky]

Marriage upon the very vows you take are transactional. Keep your vows and your oaths and you will be a great wife. Change to how you feel after the holy matrimonial covenant is made , and you broke all your vows in word, thought and deed. So, just don't get married at all if you know you will break your covenant to help him for better or worse, in good times or bad until death parts you.

[@Grey-Ghost]

There are so many issues! Feels like a field of land mines.

[@guest0407]

Addiction to computer/video games is a MAJOR roadblock to desire. Women want men, not teenage boys trying to escape the responsibility of fatherhood.

[@kathleenrawner573]

Country Song - Don't come home drinking with lovin on your mind.

[@ellenroehl6022]

It's hard not to be defensive when she argues with everything you say and attacks you constantly.

[@Tnc874]

I think women need to learn how to communicate better and men need to listen. Men really need to listen better to their wives. The last thing i want to do is open my legs and allow him to do something so intimate if im not even being heard or if we are having all of these issues. Its not safe. So 1 needs to communicate and be heard and one needs to listen. Women also need to stop talking about show more action when unhappy. But im guessing not having sex is the only action the man will pay attention to? Idk but im here to listen and learn

[@MiddlemistOne]

Hello, I understand what you are saying and get the difficulty in laying with your husband when you do not feel emotionally valued. However, the withdrawal from sex with him is controlling more than anything. I'm not saying it is being done out of malicious intent or a way to hurt him but doing that will no doubt continue to break down the foundation between you two. Please listen. I do not say any of this to offend you. I know it is easy to focus on his behavior, flaws, and weaknesses but I would urge you to show him more grace because you both are humans, both needing this very much so. A marriage needs a huge amount of grace in order for it to even survive. I would urge you to focus on what he is doing right and start being thankful for that. Start thanking him verbally for what you see him doing that is important to you. I am sure he is doing somethings right and honorable. I'm sure if he was all bad you would have not married him. When my husband was still with me, there were things I had to do in order to increase my happiness with him. One major thing I needed to do was stop nagging and/or complaining about his performance to him. This really damages a man's self image and lowers his confidence levels or it could simply make him less willing to improve because his desire levels are being diminished. Of course that will defeat the purpose of a resolution. The next thing I had to do was stop murmuring in my heart. One day I was in the kitchen cooking lunch or dinner and I noticed, I am not happy. I immediately started to examine myself and the situation. I went over things like, "I have an easy life because of him, so why am I not happy?" I then noticed my attitude and where my focus was. My attitude was one of ungratefulness because my focus was on what was lacking in my relationship.. I then decided right then in there that I would instead focus on what was good in our relationship and thank him for the things he was doing that were important to me and so I started thanking him verbally. BTW, even though I was unhappy at this time he wasn't. And when I started thanking him I found out some lovely things that was in his heart towards me because when I would thank him for something meaningful he would respond in a very loving and kind way. [ When our husbands love us and we feel their love towards us it makes us very happy indeed, does it not? ] Also, I begin to fall in love with him, too. I changed my attitude and focus because that is all we really have control over and continued to do my wifely duties. That made the biggest difference and I became happy. Maybe your husband will change after he sees you being happy and expressing yourself through that gratitude. Our husbands really only want one thing: that we honor them. Which yes, is broken down to several parts. I think the first thing you ought to do is start appreciating him and your respect for him will grow from that and then your own happiness and feelings towards him will follow that lead and your behavior will change and his behavior probably will change too. You have more control than you think but it isn't by controlling or trying to control him. Focus on honoring him. Focus on being a good wife to him. Something amazing just might happen from it. I hope my words find you well because I am for the success of your marriage and pray that it becomes a fulfilling one.

[@go2therock]

​@@MiddlemistOne I completely stand with your gracious counsel. So well done. ❤

[@dnaphysics]

@@MiddlemistOneThere is some wise advice! Wish we all had wisdom like that

[@MiddlemistOne]

@@dnaphysics Thank you very much.

[@MiddlemistOne]

@@go2therock Thank you very much. The incentive was great. The consequences were greater.

[@epiphanyjayne]

Spontaneous to me means whenever we get a chance for some private time ( naps, over nights, snack time...). I definitely have a high sex drive for a woman with 4 kids, even 20 years later. I want it more than he does 😅. Unless very ill not much stops me 😂 even a headache. He needs more romance than I do. What makes me so different?

[@jackdeniston59]

Just enjoy it, stop trying to ruin it

[@sarab6458]

No, you aren’t different. I had a high sex drive when I was married.

[@MiddlemistOne]

There could be a lot of factors here: First, it could be your connection and respect for him that makes a huge difference. It sounds like he has afforded you a good life: able to focus on being a wife and mother first, making your stress levels not high enough to interfere with your mojo. Next, it could be your personality. Maybe your personality doesn't need all of that mushy stuff to be aroused. You could also have a healthy hormonal make up or balance giving you a greater mental fortitude which translate to everything else. The list goes on, I'm sure.

[@bigsky862]

After listening to this i have concluded being married isnt worth it Just have several girlfriends at the same time dont commit and when they become problematic replaced them

[@brianc7610]

That’s how I live, just sample the product never buy. If it floats, flys or fucks it’s always cheaper to lease it never invest in a depreciating asset.

[@Sheba_316]

That sort of life is empty.

[@mystik.mermayde.aotearoa]

It's ok, women who want marriage don't want men like you anyway 🤣 So enjoy your single life of free love while you're still young and still have *something* the ladies want... When you're older you may change your mind 🤔

[@Baltimorelax]

@@Sheba_316Incorrrect. That type of life is far superior than being married to a hostile, ungrateful woman which sadly describes the vast majority of American women today. I urge all men to reject marriage:

[@joer.6458]

"whatever you think" is NOT the sexiest thing a woman can say to a man. That says, NOPE, YOU GUESSED WRONG AGAIN, WANNA GO FOR [insert number here]

[@thefaith01]

Timestamps would be appreciated

[@theruggedscholar1544]

Being healthy, according to family care physicians, endocrinologists, and OB/GYN physicians does not ensure a healthy sex life. Optimal hormone levels are necessary for a healthy sex life.

[@larrywatson3842]

Ok Suzanne so where do you find women like you! for 30 years mine was a dictator in the bedroom to do nothing and refused to change, so im single ! Divorced women you find have issues, thats why their divorced. yes that goes for men to i know ! So what do you do !

[@papiwe1]

You are the best

[@carlmendelson5909]

Sorry, but a wife telling her husband "whatever you think" is akin to saying "it's fine". Very dangerous

[@jtough7499]

What does pretty high stress and chronic pain and anxiety and 4 kids do to a females sex drive?

[@Duchess_Bananabread]

At that point, there's no room for a sex drive. 😢

[@scientious]

Low information episode pretending to be profound.

[@bumpercoach]

Good points BUT still too much making excuses for women failing to build love ... too much making all the man's fault and the woman as judge... which kills love which could be --you don't get to make the wife boss and husband employee and fret over soft vs hard Better to make your lists in parallel stating what women are doing wrong item by item in parallel with what men should improve... in the end you have to counter the fempremacy rather than take as given what makes marriage a bad bet for men ... Men are made to risk greatly for the ultimate reward of many children and a great home BUT they aren't gonna charge machine guns from where they were safe in the trenches just for a scrap of ribbon and fame after they've seen their brothers QUINTUPLE+ decimated

[@neredyfre2392]

I would love to have some examples of things men do that turn women off

[@xyzunknownx]

the list is huge, unfortunately...

[@mwilliams82684]

@@xyzunknownx and the list changes daily lol 😂

[@sofiabravo1994]

Mine is short Bad body odor Repeating old jokes That’s it.

[@kennethpearce9593]

Breathe. That turns women off

[@maria4802]

Hoarding tendencies Not using deodorant Not brushing teeth Playing wii or on phone when I've asked for help or attention A lot of time I just hope to feel closer by sharing feelings or what happened in the day, but that doesn't happen 😕 Ignoring everything I just said continuing to leave trash everywhere. I already have 5 kids to keep up with I don't need another

[@Carlos_Jzx]

Is not anger Susanne I would say is more frustration than anything! For example we men are more logical and it kills us to keep repeating ourselves over and over,over an issue or discussion.

[@Deport_All_nonWhites]

Then stop talking to your woman like she's a man. If you have the capacity to grasp the issue, why are you incapable of doing what has to be done? Are you useless in that regard? Are you not a man?

[@carlmiller8138]

Hallelujah.. I got sick of it and started an affair where from day (1) I said that sex had to be often and spontaneous. She either got on my page or I'll keep dating.

[@Carlos_Jzx]

@@carlmiller8138 That's your criteria brother! I am married with kids so my discussion is about other matters of the relationship but the same issue and believe me I am patient I have been married 13 going on 14 in August.

[@deec3561]

Carl you sound 🤮

[@Carlos_Jzx]

@@kc6810 We men don't give ultimatums! We have a discussion and if we see no change we adjust and do what we fit to be a better deal for us as individuals. 🤷🏾‍♂️

[@berlino784]

Ladies, remember Suzanne`s aphorism that if you refuse sex you will either destroy your marriage or your husband. Twenty years of a sexless marriage resulted for me in a stroke at 45 and an aortic dissection at 52. I am lucky to be alive. I attribute both to the anger I internalized over many, many years. Hoping every night that she might say „yes“. So as a man you must decide whether to leave or stay. But if you stay you must find a way to let go of your anger, lest it cause you harm. Cultivate gratitude, forgiveness and mindfulness. Seek sexual release elsewhere. Never get your hopes up. Expect nothing. And, especially, realize that sexlessness has one great benefit: you are now free from „happy wife, happy life“. You can do, or not do, whatever you want and your wife has no leverage over you.

[@ssing7113]

Yea thank you I think people have no clue that anger and resentment building up in the body damages one prolly more then anything else in life. And that’s saying a lot. I to had heart and health problems from anger and when I released it my health got better Don’t let women damage your health or worse. Jill you. Don’t give them what they want

[@Baltimorelax]

I believe a far better plan is for all men to reject marriage. I urge all men to reject marriage.

[@davebuehner4307]

How can their be conflict if the wife is subject to her husband as the church is to Christ? It takes two to create a conflict, either the woman is not submissive or she is non-responsive to the leadership of her husband. Even if he is wrong, her response is not to start a conflict, but setting an example of respectful and pure conduct. See 1 Peter 3 and Ephesians 5.

[@KellyMonk156]

Relying on the bible is not a good start 😂 giving men a free pass to abuse women because old sky father says so 🙄

[@brendaleepierson2112]

how do i talk to my boyfrien about ed

[@thephotoandthestory]

I want to be really sensitive to you here but please consider not having sex with someone you are not married to. It is not worth it. I know from experience. I tell young guys this. I go out of my way to caution against it. I love my wife but one of the things I most regret was sex before we were married. Humans need sex to survive as a species not to survive individually. It is a different and more profound thing when you are bound to the other petson. I wish you and him the best.

[@kennethpearce9593]

Comments that may make a man want you? Hey, you did that well. Oh, that feels nice. Can you help me?--thanks. How about not -- why did you do it that way? Joe would have done ……. After working all day at home, well, Doesn’t look like you have done much today.

[@kennethpearce9593]

So. Anger turns them off. Being defensive. Turns them off. Being decisive turns them off. Being passive turns them off. Being decisive turns them off I’m betting being rich turns them on. Until they are in the position to collect half of everything when they leave, on their way to the next guy

[@thedualtransition6070]

An angry fight turns many women on, it gets the blood and emotions flowing. Being decisive absolutely turns women on, at least the not damaged ones. Being passive most definitely turns most women off. Many rich simps have been cheated on, of course being rich, successful, good looking helps but a simp is a simp. You have to have confidence in yourself, your own needs, and your boundaries. The vast majority of women love a strong man who calls them out when needed, and takes control in the bedroom, took me far too long to learn this truth.

[@BGTuyau]

Part of a conversation long-overdue on multiple fronts, but what is the deal with "hanging from the chandelier" as some sort of erotic ideal? BTW, if the sex life isn't fine, it's not what most men are looking for.

[@OziBlokeTimG]

I'm done. Tired listening to all this commentary. Yes I'm 62 and have no interest in chasing a mirrarge. Married twice, ...... usual story. I'm no different to other guys.....

[@w3n33dam1racl3]

Now I know why im turned off by him because he has acted in all these ways. ESPECIALLY seeing a problem but avoid it and then blame everything else....the problem: Im so exhausted that it doesn't even cross my mind and im uncomfortable with sex especially if Im made to feel like its an obligation. He doesn't take initiative, everything is always on me. I gotta tell him what needs to be done

[@briar35981]

Men remember this. NO man has ever decided to have sex (Legally) Sex within marriage is often transactional. If you do enough tasks, besides those your expected to do. You might get access.

[@ssing7113]

Well in my point of view the whole relationship is transactional. And for those that might not understand that “harsh word” I mean a back and forth. If you got extremely fat. Chances are she will leave you meaning she didn’t “love you”. If you lost your job and laid around she’d prolly leave you. If you don’t make enough money and she talks to a guy who makes 3x as much as you she .. prolly gonna leave you And it’s vice versa right. She gains 200 pounds you’re prolly out. She turns into a crackhead. She starts bringing over guys. She gets tattoos all over her face. So reality is there is no love ( unconditional approval and acceptance without a care from your side to allow them to be whatever and whoever they want to be ) because that would mean allowing them to do and be as they are. If they want to bang three guys in your bed and she says you’re out of the house this weekend. We’ll I’m quite sure you instantly turned off your love. But the reality is there is no love. I’d replace love with tolerance and getting along and vibing is to me a better definition of what people mistakingly call “love”. Is there true love in some relationships. Absolutely. Maybe .05% that love them regardless what they do. Become. Behavior. Act. Say. Yet from those half half are just codependent and mistake love for putting up with crap you shouldn’t masking your true feelings and wants and needs and desires for an idea of scarcity. Insecurity. Control. Fear. Shame. ..

[@thedualtransition6070]

No, that means that you are a pathetic simp who is getting the equivalent of doggy treats. Either you act like a man and have confidence in your needs as well as hers, and your partner cares about/fancies you enough or leave. A male partner is not a pet to be trained, that is a disgusting attitude.

[@thedualtransition6070]

​@@ssing7113 You sound like a sociopath, sorry that you cannot really enjoy a genuine mutually caring relationship.