20 Things You Need To Know! About Limerence

[@DominicOkinawa]

Thank you Fenna. I am going to avoid LO at work by avoiding them as much as possible. 😢

[@Tre7650]

I think that's pretty insightful of the writer to see the parallels between the LO and their mother. A lot of people wouldn't be able to see that. It's crazy how much is linked to childhood, trying to reenact, rewrite the story...

[@EricandCynthiaMcCallum]

Yes, how much family of origin dynamics can play out at work for instance.

[@jenaskye1567]

@@Tre7650 I agree with this 100%

[@EricandCynthiaMcCallum]

A child can develop a fantasy bond with an unavailable and continuously abandoning parent. Attachment is maintained through the fantasy. This fantasy bond capacity has played havoc in my life. Limerence for me is the fantasy bond. Then there is the grief behind the fantasy.

[@followingfenna]

Thank you for sharing this

[@suegoldfild8990]

Thanks Fenna you really know. And you give hope to us.

[@followingfenna]

Thank you Sue :)

[@G-x9w]

MORE PLEASE AND THANK YOU

[@followingfenna]

OKIDOKI :)

[@lf9341]

Another great video.

[@followingfenna]

Thank you 😊

[@aroyals339]

First of all: well done to the writer for the letter and being brave enough to have it shared publicly. Second: I imagine it can be really tough to just find another job depending on the job but he seems to understand in his case it MUST be done. I had to do the same with a new hobby I really love and I had to take a downgrade in terms of location and available hours but staying in contact with LO just wasn't an option. Third: I hope Fenna and/or the couple's counselor is helping the wife understand what limerence is and that it has nothing to do with her. It has to be devastating for her too. Good luck my guy and all the other limerents out there. P.S: Fenna, have you thought about a forum or Discord channel where we can all constantly chat and help each other?

[@followingfenna]

Wel I have my community ;)

[@alicias877]

Thank you. My husband left 10 months ago. Saying he doesn’t love me. He says him and the worker are just friends but I think they are together/in limerance.

[@followingfenna]

It could be limerence, and I'm sorry this happened to you

[@jimdowney6773]

I feel for that guy, I can't imagine the mess I'd be if I saw my LO all day.

[@DempseyArnold]

Great letter proving once again no one is safe from limeremce. The ol coworker get ya real bad.

[@Lighthouse1810]

I cut contact with my LO over a month ago and was doing great for awhile. Woke up this morning with a heavy heart. These feelings are popping up again and I'm so sad. Will this horrible feeling ever go away? These emotions are ruining my life.

[@followingfenna]

YES !! it will go away , unfortunately not when we are done with it.

[@Lighthouse1810]

@@followingfenna My main fear is not that I will contact her, it's that at some point she will contact me. A simple message on IG that says "Hey, how are things?" will be enough to set me back. I can't afford to do that.

[@tobiaswolf6630]

Great video. I have my doubts about Nr. 9 (3:48). Don´t you think Limerence has less to do with love (if at all) and more with addiction? I can feel love towards a person without wanting to actually be part of their life whatsoever. With Limerence, merging with the LO is all I want.

[@followingfenna]

It depends a bit on how well you know LO, it can be both, you can love an LO for sure, but limerence is more about addiction indeed.

[@mariad1151]

English Translation of "Un bel di, vedremo" (most famous aria from Madam Butterfly) One good day, we will see Arising a strand of smoke Over the far horizon on the sea And then the ship appears And then the ship is white It enters into the port, it rumbles its salute Do you see it? He is coming! I don't go down to meet him, not I. I stay upon the edge of the hill And I wait a long time but I do not grow weary of the long wait A man, a little speck Climbing the hill. Who is it? Who is it? And as he arrives What will he say? What will he say? He will call Butterfly from the distance I without answering Stay hidden A little to tease him, A little as to not die. At the first meeting, And then a little troubled He will call, he will call "Little one, dear wife Blossom of orange" The names he called me at his last coming. All this will happen, I promise you this Hold back your fears - I with secure faith wait for him. 😢

[@followingfenna]

Thank you Maria 😊 so beautiful

[@jrtg1990]

The Power of Good-Bye by Madonna is a good song accompaniment to any limerent video. Pls play after 😊

[@followingfenna]

Good tip !! So true

[@kellyscourfield77]

Totally I didn’t know what limerence was on first reading the word I thought it was some kind of poem. I certainly didn’t plan to get myself hooked on this person it just happened on noticing his eyes as he sang I thought he was gorgeous and had a beautiful voice.

[@followingfenna]

Yep, it's not something we choose we slowly train our brain into addiction.

[@vanitaramlochan6725]

If there are alot of mismatches in limerence why do they see LO as the person who gets them and understand them and the form this emotional bond...is that because of the brain chemicals or are there other factors as well?

[@followingfenna]

It's also a bit of a bias. We WANT lo to get us and sometimes it seems like they do but that's sometimes superficial. The strong feelings are also explained as having this special bond. Wich maybe they do, but a strong bond of feelings is no guarantee for the future. At all. Good question!

[@tabitalykkeschou1450]

I actually dont Think my lo Got me at all - but i really wanted him to….. lived most of my life feeling nobody understand- not even myself sometimes….. and i was an idioted telling him i felt my husband did not understand me- he send me the song till kingdom come, off course there are words in this song about understanding. And at one point he also Said he wanted to understand something we had been writting about. and i felt like i really understood him….. even though i actually dont Think i made him really feel understood. But i felt and Saw his pain - the same pain i know in myself. And when he told me his parents had been figthing their Hole relationship- i did not say it but i did Think - yeah mine did too…..

[@mariad1151]

Does anyone know the story of Madame Butterfly? Was she a limerent like us?

[@followingfenna]

Probably yes

[@osteopathie-denisehendrick2845]

Can someone elaborate point 6 to me🙏? Limerence would fade if you were in a secure relationship. I am in the understanding that limerence does not set secure relationships? It would fade after aprox 3 y then..

[@followingfenna]

Yep, in a secure normal (forgive me for using the word normal) relationship we don't get limerent, not the suffering pathological kind of limerence, and being in love fades when you form a couple.

[@osteopathie-denisehendrick2845]

@@followingfenna🙏🙏🙏

[@osteopathie-denisehendrick2845]

So in a ‘normal’ secure relationship limerence is a synonym for being madly but healthy in love. In my understanding limerence is not part of a normal falling in love (verliefdheid) Thanks 1000x for sharing your precious knowledge

[@mariad1151]

​@osteopathie-denisehendrick2845 Tennov, who coined the term "limerence," did not consider folks in it not to be normal. Some folks feel romantic love more intensely than others...like that described in poetry & love songs. Nonlimerents experience romantic love as friendship or as in arranged marriages...a kind of business or social arrangement.

[@mariad1151]

Nowadays, I even see youtubers (crappy childhood fairy) saying stalking behavior is limerence. IDKY they make this stuff up. The book that defines psychological pathology, the DSM, does not list limerence as pathological. Back in the day, unrequited love was just that, and it was just as common as it is now. Listen to the songs, the poems, the plays, the movies...every culture is saturated with it. Some songs were called "torch" songs; songs about not being able to abandon a love for someone who did not reciprocate it. Similarly, we have an expression in English for it: "she held a torch for him." That means the person cannot get over their love for a another who does not return it. The term has fallen out of use in this generation it seems. I dont think young folks would understand it.(A long standing love is a good thing if the other feels the same, so it's the context that negates the emotion. It's not that the love itself is pathological.) History will show this change. There is a book, sociology I think, that documents the cultural definitions of love through time & culture. Unfortunately, those who suffer from unrequited love nowadays are pathologized. How that serves the larger culture, IDK, & won't I've long enough to find out. However, I think it has something to do with the "me" generation & the current transactional nature nowadays of romantic relationships.

[@jenaskye1567]

I guess I just to have to let my h divorce me... there is nothing I can do 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@followingfenna]

Backing off ( don't be friends ) completely will increase your chances to get back together but I understand that must be really really hard. I'm so sorry for you.

[@osteopathie-denisehendrick2845]

🫂🫂

[@jenaskye1567]

What would being friends do?

[@aroyals339]

@@jenaskye1567 Not entirely sure, I think Fenna mistook you for being limerent for someone but I'm guessing you are not and your husband is limerent for someone else? If this is the case, I wouldn't say there is nothing you can do; another content creator on limerence started it all because he felt limerent for a woman even tho he was married. Long story short: he studied limerence and it is a case of addiction and something new and exciting (think of it as your husband got addicted to heroin instead of another woman). You can get past it with him with some effort / counseling. (edit: this is what the other youtuber did. No contact with his LO then extensive work including couple's counseling) ...or you can divorce and move on. None of us can say what is best for you since we don't know the specifics of your marriage.

[@Ciagar]

I went through it. You really can't do anything about it. I'm so sorry! ((((Hugs))))