#206

[@irish2979]

If anyone deserves a fucking break from pain its this lady. her strength and amazing personality just exudes just wanting to live.....my heart goes out to Nicole xxxx

[@ClearFreshAir]

Dear Nicole ~ Please consider adding a hospice team. You can carry on living your life as you like with them as an added resource. They are especially expert at pain mgmt & anxiety mgmt. No shade to your current pain mgmt team, but hospice may even have upgraded solutions for living your life as best you want. It is 100% their wheelhouse. And statistics show that people with hospice care may even live longer. I want this for you!

[@dhoffie1960]

Please please Nicole, see a Dr about this. You must for your sake and your wife's sake. A good psychiatrist can help you. Everything you create in your mind is kind of turning against you. You deserve this time to be peaceful , calm and to be enjoyed. Please get help

[@angelab5325]

Yea l 22:29 22:29

[@purplephoenixartbymicheled9298]

😢 Agree 1000 %

[@myheartisinjapan3184]

This freaking disease makes me so angry. Sending you all the peaceful juju in this world, Nicole. We love you dear beautiful lady. ♥️

[@HL-qv3yd]

Me too

[@MarilynMayaMendoza]

Hi dear Nicole, i’ve suffered from panic attacks since I was a child. They are real and scary. I cannot tell you how many times the ambulance was called because I couldn’t breathe and my heart was beating out of my chest. a psychologist and take a small amount of medication to deal with my anxiety. Be kind to yourself. You are going through and went through so much. And you have triumphed! Let a professional help you through this and give you the tools. You have superpowers I wished I had. I had a difficult childhood in a different way. I made it to 73 a sometimes I think of all the time I wasted because of fear. But it’s not my fault and it’s not your fault. we are holistic beings, and all our feelings are valid and real. I’m sending you calm healing prayers. aloha friend❤

[@purplephoenixartbymicheled9298]

😢That's what I just wrote Nicole in so many words 😢 I served 65 yrs of Anxiety/ PTSD and so much more. Sending You Beautiful/ Peaceful Feeling 💃Worrier dance is on for Nicole 💃🐕‍🦺💃🐕‍🦺 Stronger Together 🦸‍♀️🕊🦸‍♂️ 💪💖💜🤍🖤💪 Much Love and Light from the Smokey Mountain's 😊

[@sandimartin8394]

My heart breaks when you cry. I pray your medical team can help you manage your thoughts with therapy or medicine. I pray for your peace sweet Nicole❤

[@songbird5266]

I hope you can get in contact with a hospice volunteer who would be willing to come and stay with you for several hours so that you both can rest without fear. I have volunteered in this capacity before, and it is a real blessing for all concerned, in the giving, and receiving, of compassionate presence. It's nice to wake up with someone still holding your hand, if that helps.

[@feastmastress]

What a wonderful gift to the afflicted and their caretakers. Thank you for your service 🥰 ❤️💪🏻🌈

[@carolinasongbird3362]

The other "gift" from living with addicts and drunks is hyper-vigilance and the desperate need to control. I hear you, and love you 💖

[@feastmastress]

❤️💪🏻🌈

[@a57chevygirl]

It probably sounds silly, but I had a traumatic event happen a few years ago and I have a hard time getting my brain to "shut off" at night since then. I am a 57 yr old grandmother of 7. At night the only way I can go to sleep is to either watch mindless entertainment on my phone, like tik tok lives of people creating wreaths, tumblers, jewelry etc. and I never have the sound....just watch and make my mind follow the creator....OR I use my tablet and do color by numbers....It sounds childish but its mindless but yet keeps my brain entertained enough to keep it from thinking about "other things" and I watch or color till I fall asleep. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's terrifying. I hope you can find a way to push it away.

[@irisc8737]

I had a panic attack at work today and had to come home and then argued with my husband as all I needed was someone to understand me. But hardly anyone can as March is my screening month and I’m absolutely terrified waiting for the results. My cancer buddy went into hospice last week. Cancer is awful. I have watched your channel for a long time and I’m sending you the remains of my mental health as it’s all I have to give you. And blessings and good Juju. ❤

[@feastmastress]

Big hugs as you endure the wait. You have a rainbow glitter warrior tribe here for you when the results come to celebrate or mourn. Either way we are here for you.

[@puppypundit]

Your horror was perfectly expressed. This stranger is sending you a virtual swaddle in the hopes that it would bring you calm in some way. You are always in my thoughts because I'm three years behind you.

[@debrazaborowski7625]

Nicole, you are one of the best narrators ever! So riveting, real, honest, open and intellectually and spiritually amazing! Thank you for sharing your life and feelings with us! Love you girl!

[@carolinasongbird3362]

Oh, my dear Nicole...hospice has great drugs for that shortness of breath feeling. Please check with your team. Your fears are absolutely normal, and are manageable. Love, love love to you.

[@emilys4235]

I think people don’t realize you can be on hospice for years! They are an awesome resource

[@feastmastress]

Yes, I’m just coming to realize this. Without the education of what hospice is naturally, we are all terrified to apply for it because it’s a symbol of the end. But I’m gonna check into the resources that they offer because it sounds amazing. ❤️💪🏻🌈

[@feastmastress]

Starting off I’m on the lowest dose of everything - I’ve found a good combination for now that’s helping getting me on my feet. And yes, the state of American healthcare saddens me every day. ❤️💪🏻🌈

[@jojoFranklin]

So much internalized trauma Nicole. Your fierceness has kept it at bay for years. Now there will be some sort of reckoning.. so painful … but it will pass. We are thinking of you & looking forward to seeing you next week.

[@TheOfficialWiFiFairy]

Stage 4 struggling - I made a decision to not leave this world grasping at life but welcoming the transition to another spiritual state. I allowed medication to sedate me and remove pain. That sinking feeling would scare me too, but now I relax into it. Our spirit does not stop when our body wears out. Our body is a boat to carry our spirit. It’s ok to let that worn out boat go. We have a choice to Lean into the wind and wave. I am doing better but I still wake up in a panic, I take seroquel, it helps me to return to a state of mind to lean in to letting go.

[@feastmastress]

Thank you for sharing my friend. May you be surrounded by peace. 🤣💪🏻🌈

[@stevepick9527]

I agree with the comments that you really are an amazing person and have been through so much over the past five years and have been so brave through it all. As I have had PTSD from some very traumatic times, I believe a large part of your anxiety is from what you have been through, and it is now manifesting with the thoughts you are having. It is very understandable how this can happen.. I agree that seeking some professional help might be a good idea at this point. Bless you and your wife, I think of you often as you have been through so much. Big hugs to you lovely lady. ❤️

[@daviddownie5594]

It seems to be that you are being very hard on yourself. Being in the dying process can be terrifying! I do speak from experience as I am in the last stage of heart failure. What has worked best for me is mindfulness meditation. It helps me to be kind and gentle with myself (which I certainly didn’t learn in my childhood filled with drunks). And I am on pain meds and I take OxyContin in low doses and I do not experience that “high” feeling ever. Just a lessening of the pain. I can’t take morphine as it makes me sick and is too strong. Anyway, I’m wishing you all the best and completely understand how you are feeling. You’re not alone!

[@kathylynn7705]

Love and light to you, David.

[@feastmastress]

thank you my friend and may the rest of your time be as pain free as possible ❤️💪🏻🌈

[@pierrettehebert3044]

I recently left hospital after a month of emergency surgeries resulting from the blood cancer I have. On discharge the doctor told me to expect some PTSD. I thought no way, not me. Well, it’s real. I’m still constantly watching for any sign that might require emergency attention. It’s awful…but it’s real.

[@informaticsnursebev1538]

Panic attacks are the worst, and commonly occur at night to disrupt sleep. I’ve had success with guided meditation, and even though it doesn’t fix everything right away, it really helps when you wake feeling alone and panicked during the night. ♥️

[@lorrainekipling9748]

Nicole i so admire you .what a woman i will never forget how youve dealt with this awful situation , such grace you are so beautiful and i send lots of love to you ❤❤

[@joanneantoniak7760]

Congratulations my dear friend 🎉 it is SPRING 🌷. one of our goals was to make it to spring; and you have. It may not be so great right now .. but spring has arrived and here you are. Huge hugs and comfort sent (always). ❤🇨🇦

[@feastmastress]

Thank you ❤️💪🏻🌈

[@liddymarsh931]

I do stop breathing when I sleep. I wear a c-pap and it makes me breathe if I stop. Just a thought. Maybe knowing you can’t stop breathing you could relax .

[@mumzee7680]

Hi Nicole,I am so sorry things are not going as well as you hoped. You know you need to speak to someone hun you can't do this on your own. I am keeping you in thoughts and prayers. You can and will find that balance you deserve it. Sending love and hugs to you and your wife xx

[@jeffhoehne7621]

I understand the mental challenges that come with a cancer diagnosis. Battling prostate cancer for 6 years now. I’ve been watching your posts for years now, you’ve gone through some hell, you’re still here. We’re both still here. STAY STRONG!!

[@feastmastress]

❤️💪🏻🌈

[@joanbeach644]

Nicole, I agree with a lot of people here. See your Doctor and he or she can help you. Meds for this. You have come to far to have this happen. ❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️

[@emilys4235]

Just talking with hospice about this will help!

[@suedyck6835]

Just food for thought…..when I take opiates I sob uncontrollably And I had to stop then. I also was very tire and very fearful on them . Bless you dear lady. 🙏❤️😊

[@DR3itmatters]

💯💯💯

[@susanguyer8146]

Oh, Nicole, I am crying with you. Being one that has suffered with debilitating depression, anxiety, panic attacks, sleep problems all my adult life, I have always said, I would much rather deal with physical pain. I think you're right, PTSD has alot to do with what your feeling. Please seek out a psychiatrist and/or a psychologist that can help you with this. This may be one of those horrors you just can't control yourself. You need sleep and peaceful relaxation. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could give you a big hug, my friend. ❤

[@stephanietomasevic2073]

I have had the same issues as you and also wished I had a “real” sickness, so I knew how to cure it. We are not alone.

[@MaureenLumb]

Hi Nicole! I struggle with clinical anxiety and depression. Your challenge makes so much sense to me and is real. The good news is that you can overcome come this with some help from a cognitive behavioral therapist or with experimental therapy. You are intelligent and your mind is strong. You need to know, your thoughts are only thoughts and thoughts you manifested out of fear. Don’t let them control you. I have faith you will overcome this in a relatively short period. The good news is this is not the cancer and you have full control. You are exceptional. You got this.

[@DavidH-ve4fm]

Sometimes, when there is such a physical anxiety, it really is necessary to take a fast acting medication to stop it. I understand reluctance, but sometimes taking these help put the embers of anxiety out. Just in case you haven't considered it. You don't have to be "strong" forever. And facing so many little icons of death (breathing, sleep, rest, inability to walk) having stopped treatment.... You will navigate this just like everything else, dear lady. So many mysteries in life.

[@st.louisslimii568]

Hello Nicole, so glad you are continuing to talk to us about your feelings. This is helping us all to understand and appreciate what you and your family have gone through! 🥹❤️🫶👏🐕💐🪴🍁 Nicole, you have made others feel ok about there lives, thank you so much for that! 🏞🛶🧳🌬❄️🛩🕌📚👓🎆🚵‍♂️🕯Love is in the air 🎈🌏! We Love You Nicole! 😉🥰❤️

[@alisalavine1052]

Friend, by not getting help you're denying your body the sleep that it needs in order to remain in this fight a little longer. You. Need. Help. Your body is in a battle which eventually it will lose. Not now though. In the meantime it needs to be pampered. Including your mind. Stop trying to do this alone. You are not giving in just because you ask for help. I don't want to see you spending whatever time you have left filled with angst, exhaustion and fear. I'm here rooting for you. Now go make some calls and worship that body of yours. My love always.🤗👊💪❤🌈

[@CynthiaHeywood-u4l]

Hi! I've been following you for a long time but never made a comment-until now. Me and death are well acquainted with one another (like you) I had no choice but to make friends with what I knew was coming (it seemed to help with the fear). You mentioned something about your fantasy life-should it stay or should it go? That life, too I am well acquainted with-I'd already be gone without it (no doubt about that)! I believe it's there to save you, not do harm-yes, can be scary at times but embrace as much as possible...you're very smart-you'll know when and where it is not appropriate. You inspire me constantly-thank you so much for sharing your journey with me and so many others! You really are incredible (all my love to you)!!

[@thelittlestbuddha]

Hi Nicole, I’ve had panic since elementary school (I’m 56 now) and as I got older one of the things that helped me at night (when my brain races the most) is listening to positive affirmations or music I love. I think more than anything it distracts me. Xanax has also helped me, but I hate taking it even though it really does help me. I hope you find something that helps…you will. I think about you everyday and am always sending so much love and healing energy to you and your wife 🩷 I wish I could just give you both a big hug 🩷

[@may-beeart7930]

You just described what I do every night. I have COPD and I wake up with my throat shut.bibhit my chest and inhale Albuterol until it opens. I'm going blind and my left eye just went black with no notice. I'm going blind. I wake up in the night trying to see light to see if I'm blind. I think I know what you are going through. I fight my sleep too. It's a mind game. It's rough. The only thing you can do is just keep on walking. Keep on living as long as you can. Death will come quickly probably, just be ready and say what you want to say cause you probably won't know when it comes. We all want to put it off as long as we can but time to pay the piper will come. It's the cycle of life. That's why dogs are so happy is because they don't know they are going to die. Death is why I never had kids. I think death is why I have never really attached to anything cause I know I have to leave. I never saw having kids just having to say goodbye. I think life is life falling off a mountain slowly. I think you just get weaker and weaker and then pass on.

[@shirleynash8859]

I discovered your channel a few months ago. I am so sorry you're having these issues and panic attacks. You are an amazing woman whose positivity is amazing! I wish you relief from these attacks and some deep, healing sleep.

[@lillyrose3545]

Ask your palliative care about buprenorphine patches and or nalexone which block the “high” of opiates by blocking the dopamine receptors from feeling that sensation, and it also helps with pain. Maybe ask for something for anxiety or to help you fall asleep so you don’t have to struggle so much. Lunesta doesn’t have a long wait until you are sleeping and that way you don’t have to introduce another heavy narcotic like a benzo. Of course the medical ptsd isn’t real, but it feels so real! Therapy has helped me a lot with my medical trauma. Maybe consider it. You don’t have to figure it all out and manage it alone. There is a lot of ways to help your stress. Maybe attack these issues and fill all of this new space the way you attacked finding the new science for the cancer. I’m holding space for you my friend. ❤

[@bettybernier9703]

Great advice!

[@kristimartinez7528]

Very good points!!!

[@Lilibet_777]

Naloxon does not always Block the highs.

[@cherylcampbell7495]

Hello sweet Nicole. Great seeing you and sharing your feelings with us. I’m hoping your brain gives you a rest. Drink some of your fabulous tea. Hope Gabby’s foot surgery came out ok. Hugs and prayers to you both.🙏💕💐

[@sarruecherose9399]

Wishing you peace in these challenging days ❤

[@ColonelTC]

somniphobia is debilitating and I have no advice other than maybe getting professional therapy and help from people who know about this. When I went through menopause my one main symptom was insomnia and it was horrible. The longer you go without quality sleep, the more your brain is not able to think logically. It’s a vicious cycle. There were times I was afraid to pay a bill or drive. My hope for you is to find whatever works to give you comfort. If talking to us helps, we are always here with love, and kindness.

[@crimsonflutter1]

I don’t have cancer but I have suffered severe panic and anxiety for most of my life. My heart is so wrecked for you and I’m ALWAYS praying!

[@djl5555]

I went through a crazy time years ago. I thought I was losing my mind and I could not think about anything else. Being raised in a church, but not really knowing God I started talking to Jesus. I start asking him why I was going through this. What can I do to stop it. Is he real? And if so, can he talk to me. And he did he answered all my questions, and he took away the feeling of losing my mind. Maybe if you just try talking to him when you’re panicking. Maybe he will help you too.

[@stephanietomasevic2073]

Hi Nicole. Whenever I get an anxiety attack and I’m lucky enough to be near my sister, she helps me take my shoes and socks off. Then we go in the yard and walk in the grass. We walk slowly, arm in arm. It literally grounds me. Sometimes we lay flat on our backs so I feel the earth below me. Feeling the soft, cool, moist grass and soil calms me down and it brings me back to here and now. My spiraling stops and I’m able to get out of my head. The other thing that helps me is a hug from a “safe” person whom I trust. Finally, I sometimes hug myself, put on a weighted blanket and rock back and forth and hum. I hope one of these tools help.

[@feastmastress]

Thank you for taking the time to share this. It’s quite a lovely approach. ❤️💪🏻🌈

[@susanzucker7674]

Of course you have PTSD - and your tools are just not quite up for this one ❤. A little extra help never hurt anyone - you’re amazing and strong. Breathe in and out and take the next step

[@ellenmclees3984]

You are a remarkable women you are so strong. You have fought so darn hard. I admire you. I wish you and your wife the best in this hard chapter of your life. I love hearing from you cry all you want.❤❤

[@suziethunderchicken8704]

Hi dear one. I have ptsd from childhood and adult abuse. The most helpful thing I have done is meditate me as an adult going to meet this baby, child and adult. Giving the baby, child what they needed. I took her to grocery store and pick out all the food she wanted. I held her and protected her, I gave her love. Anything she needed the adult me provided. I love you, hope, peace and love.

[@feastmastress]

That’s exactly what my micro experiences are for. As you know, I’m super into graphic novels and Japanese toys. I absolutely hate when someone chastises me for such activities at this age. My teenager comes out and puts them in their place. Ha ha. A lot of the work that has kept me alive over the last five years has been taken care of the ones that still reside inside me. ❤️💪🏻🌈

[@iSheree]

I know this is hard, but thank you for showing true emotion and being completely real and honest. I don’t have terminal cancer, in fact I think I could be in remission in my next scan next month, but I have sooo many disabilities and health issues. A lot of which cause me a lot of pain and suffering. And I am surprised to be here at 32, not knowing how long I will live since I wasn’t supposed to make it past 3 months old. I have a lot of PTSD as well. Some of my ER visits are from panic attacks, so this does happen to some people. I also get scared to fall asleep, I have sleep apnea and stop breathing 150+ times a night. I am so sorry that you have had to go through all this. You are not alone. Let it all out. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. ❤🌈

[@Mesharon777]

I’m almost 76 years old and I have had trouble with insomnia for probably 30 years. I’ve been taking generic Ambien every night and it’s the only thing that helps me to sleep and I sleep through the night. My husband, when he lived away from us for a job, apparently had a couple panic attacks. He was sure he was going to die. The doctor gave him Xanax to put under his tongue, if it happened again and it did work for him. Since he moved back home for another job, he hasn’t had panic attack anymore. I am at the point in my life where if a drug can help me feel better I will take it. I just started taking CBD/THC gummies and they help keep the anxiety down, along with the clonazepam, which I have been taking for probably 30 years. I go for the drugs. My mind isn’t strong enough to build those spaces like you do. I hope you are able to get a handle on your fear on your own, but if you need drugs, now, it’s not the time to fear them (unless, of course, the drugs do the opposite for you, and make it worse). I just hate seeing you feel so scared and so sick. It breaks my heart. Sending lots of love.💕

[@DD-si6qm]

Nothing gonna happen because there is no issue with your breathing. No issue! Now I needed to tell you this, because, once you see it written, when you're scared, you may only remember few stuff and hopefully, this is one of them. I know how it is when emotions and fear take control over our minds and bodies. Sometimes, distractions works, or a reassurance that is all ok.

[@DR3itmatters]

Thank you so much for another Sunday!! It MATTERS. 💜💜💜 I know this was a hard one. You are never far from my thoughts and prayers. I know you will create some tools to get your brain in alignment with what the body and soul are adjusting to. Because if anyone breathing on Earth can figure it out... IT IS YOU. We want that for your peace and comfort and also we will learn with you. I love you! Forever grateful... and sending you personal winks and nods!!!💋

[@LindaDouglas-Toop]

Hi beautiful lady, I hope by talking to us helps to set you free, put bad things in a box and send them away. I do that and it helps me. I know we are not all the same, anything is worth a try. In the past I had to have therapy, because of one of my kids life style, talking to her changed how I live my life now, needless tysay I haven’t spoken to them for 40 years, they thought it would kill me it didn’t and I am here to day to tell the story. Please take good care of yourself and your wife. Looking forward to the next instalment next Sunday❤

[@wendyhaag2435]

So much love to you sweet Nicole. Praying for PEACE ❤

[@peggyschram917]

Please call your palliative care team ASAP. From one cancer patient to another, I get it. I know the last thing you want is more medication, however you may need some anti anxiety meds so you can get some rest, your body and mind need restorative rest. Love and best wishes to you, Nicole.💕

[@fififirestone3787]

Dearest Nicole, you have been amazingly strong, laser focused and hypervigilant these last five years but sometimes our tools and our will are not enough to fight our brains. You don't have to fight or figure this out. There is help. Psych meds can take away the fear and anxiety and let you rest. Please let hospice help you. You deserve peace and rest. Much love.

[@pennieobrien204]

I'm so so sorry Nicole. Panic attacks are so awful and scary. Praying you find some peace!

[@beckymellon8135]

Oh Nicole, I’m very familiar with this exact feeling😳🤯 I get it from hard hospital drugs like what they give after a surgery or from other certain medications. Right as I shut my eyes know matter how exhausted I am I struggle to breathe and get the feeling like in my stomach like I’m falling and panic. I also have gotten panic attacks or the beginning of panic attacks which feel similar but I can tell the difference and for the most part if conscious breathing or completely doing something else doesn’t work I go directly to a mild sedative because it kicks in so fast. Sometimes we don’t know why it’s coming, it could be hormones or some type of imbalance or complete fear and it can be as simple as fear because of the fear of that feeling 😬😵‍💫 for me anyway. The Ativan or similar drugs kicks it out so if you can’t get it under control you can stop it or at least stop it from getting worse. Everyone is different and I’m highly sensitive to pain meds but if down the road you wanted to start them again you could start with a 5 milligram hydrocodone and build up from there if you need. Everything else definitely affects me in terrible ways. Don’t be scared to take a Ativan, it’s very mild and a true life saver❤️🤞✌️come on again if it’s terrible it’ll be cathartic and some of us can help and we’ll all be there to listen. With all my love goodluck and please let us know if anything works❤️❤️❤️

[@CindyKF]

I suffer from PTSD and panic attacks . They are the most debilitating thing I have suffered with. I found this verse and just repeat it when I feel it coming on me. Isaiah 41:10. ‘Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’ I pray these words gives you peace and comfort. Love you dear friend and look forward to your Sunday visits.

[@marthamonte3940]

My heart breaks for your struggles Nicole…you have always enjoyed nature.. I hope you can sit outside and breathe the fresh air , feel a breeze , hear the birds and remember that feeling when you lay down to sleep and maybe that will bring you some peace and rest which you so much deserve..god bless!

[@Barbara-ch3qf]

Hi Nicole, darn! I was so hoping you were being able to fully enjoy this time where you are living and not battling! I agree with those who have suggested looking into an anti-anxiety medication (think you might not have to take it all that long; you just need to break the cycle) and some therapy. You truly have had many traumas in this cancer journey and a therapist could be really helpful. I’m hoping this week your mind just decides the only emotion allowed is joy and the only task is deciding which things you want to do or people you want to see, or meals you want to cook in any given day. Dance even if you have to do it sitting down! Soon spring will come to the mountains.

[@ArleneJacobsen-hs5ye]

Nicole …I’m usually not at a loss for words but after watching your video tonight I am …. You two have been they so dam much that you deserve to have peaceful & calm days ahead …. From one cancer patient to another …I do agree with some of the comments here … I think it would really be in your best interest to reach out to your palliative care team & let them know what’s going on with you …. I heard you say that they put you on gabapentin… I know many people that were on that medication who had to stop it because of all the weird side effects they had from it… Including depression… Which is one of the many of them… Perhaps if they knew what was going on they might have an alternative medication for you with way less side effects… Also… I think it might be a great idea to try and reach out to a therapist who deals with terminal cancer patients on an every day level… They may have just the tools that you need to combat this issue because they deal with this all the time… your palliative care team may be able to give you the names of some of those therapists who they recommend for you… Or the hospital uses… It’s worth a shot right? In the meantime please try to find a way to relax and chill a bit If you can… Know that you are only a thought away … and that I am sending both of you big hugs🤗 Lots of love❤️… and many prayers 🙏 Take good care of yourself kiddo … Until next week …🥰🥰🥰

[@kristimartinez7528]

Very good points!! 💯

[@dawnelivingstone8409]

Your strength is unbelievable. Praying for peace in your life 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@JenJen_88]

I have no words. But I do have so much rainbow glitter to send you, so here it is 🌈🌈🌈 You are so loved Nicole.

[@avarismimi]

You are so loved. My heart goes out to you. ❤❤❤❤

[@jodeming5088]

Nicole, I so look forwards to our chat’s on Sunday. Never feel the need to apologize for tears or needing to blow your nose on camera. We are here for whatever you have got. After 35 years in Nursing you are the strongest , happiest, most determined and positive person I have ever met! You rock! You definetly have some anxiety and ptsd. If they could start you on something mild to take at dinner time so you could relax enough you may be able to fall asleep. Don’t ignore your pain either. Again low doses will help. You do have a lot of free time to think . If you could find time to do something or focus on throughout the day it may help. You have many talents and your brain power is strong. Sending you gentle hugs, love and prayers along with positivity your way. Next trip to the Dr. have a chat about this. You are going to work thru this. Love to you and Gabby. Let us know how dinner goes! We are here for you our friend!

[@diannaf.2919]

Oh sweet sweet girl. I cannot imagine what you are going thru although I know what it’s like to be the caregiver, which I’m going thru right now. I pray you get every day month year you want in this life. And if not long I pray what time you do have is wonderful for you and your wife. God bless sweetheart..🫂🫂🫂☀️🦋😢

[@drsdes]

Thank you for letting us sit with you during this time. Sending love and hugs!

[@RandiMarie_1983]

Your feelings are validated! You have to allow yourself to be honest and just scream it out loud, all of this for nothing?!!! Even though you know it was for something, time, memories, all of that but in the whole of it most people don't have to fight for those things and man you have kicked ass fighting for those things. Now you feel lost, you feel scared, you feel terrified even. You need more meds, you shouldn't have to feel these things to such an extreme, demand klonopin, take the full dosage pain management prescribed, you deserve to feel better. Now girl, now you are rallying for the transition, the beautiful transition to the next place.

[@lizzynunez4906]

Yo have been so incredibly emotionally strong through your beyond difficult journey with cancer, that it's OK and normal to break down. I know how you feel, our mind can be our worst enemy at times, specially when you are going through panic attacks. My continue prayers and love are sent your way🙏💕🕊️💐

[@jillcooke1527]

Sending so much love and strength for those very human moments when you don’t feel strong. Maybe the glitter warrior stomp’s new purpose is to turn from battling for your body to stomping out some of this fear and trauma. Big big hugs to you. We’re all here for you. 🦄🌈

[@jamesbruce6022]

You are loved by so many people here Nicole. And we all wish the best for you. Hope you find calming peace in the coming week.

[@marilynroberts6644]

Dear sweet Nicole...I wish I could give you some easy answer for your anxiety, ongoing stress and panic attacks. I suffer from the same symptoms, although for different reasons. But, what I want to say is that I've never encountered any other person with your strength and determination to carry on. I do believe many pain meds can contribute to your thoughts and feelings and as others have said, hospice has many options for dealing with the pain and associated issues that come along. So much love to you and to Gaby. Remember the rainbows following you 🌈💜🌈💜🌈

[@madgrace7992]

Awww Nicole you have been through so much. Such a brave fighter. I’m praying you are able to settle and to feel at peace. Please talk to your doctor about meds that will relax you so you aren’t so tormented. Take care this week friend. I will look forward to seeing your sweet face next Sunday. ☮️💟

[@threepurrs]

Oh dear Nicole, my heart aches for you. I can’t bare knowing you are both sick and feeling frightened. This is so bloody unfair. I don’t know what you could do to ease the fear and illness. Hopefully someone on your team will have a solution. Sending love, hugs and healing. You are in my thoughts every day. 🥰❤️

[@DeborahTriplett-n3l]

We all have good and terrible days. I suffer from PTSD and I have to pray a lot. All my love and prayers going out for you dear one.❤

[@pianolady726]

♥️ Nicole, You are on my mind, and in my heart. ♥️ I know all too well about panic attacks, to the point where they wake me up through the night. I try to acknowledge the panic as it's happening, and then I know that the very scary feeling I am experiencing will reach a peak, and then will slowly dissipate. I have learned mindfulness techniques that really do help lessen the severity of the panic. But most of all, what I find most helpful, is taking each moment as it comes. And when I do this, the big picture doesn't seem quite as overwhelming. Lots of love, hope, support and prayers from your friend in NYC ♥️

[@elaine1261]

Love to you. I wish you peace

[@debrazaborowski7625]

Nicole, we're missing you so much. You are so loved and cherished.

[@ataraxismoon]

Nicole, I've had panic attacks and anxiety most of my life. Medication can be very helpful. I also have a breathing technique that works for me. Put the tip of your tongue against the inside of your upper teeth and breathe slowly through your mouth. I don't know why this works but it is very calming. Also, another technique is to use two fingers to gently tap your forehead. There is a science behind this but I can't remember it. I just know it works. Hopefully this helps. ❤

[@raymarriss2440]

Nicole+ you are one awesome human being. You are a true warrior ❤️ 🎉 I'm sorry this was dealt to you

[@SusanDavis-mt3qe]

I think a good therapist who specializes in cancer would probably be a first step. We can’t always fight these things by ourselves. Anxiety is horrible but it can be treated. Sometimes we have to use meditations to get us to a place of calm again. Gabapentin may not be the right medication for you-it does have a lot of weird side effects. You may not want to use the patch but it can get your pain under control with out all these anxiety producing drugs. Sometimes, we can’t be on guard for everything. We need to trust in others who have prescribed these things for years. I hate to see you like this. Hopefully if you talk to your pain management team you will come up with the right plan for the anxiety! God Bless!🙏

[@susanstefano8239]

Nicole lots of prayers. I am praying for your comfort and your wifes comfort to. Love you lots.

[@tomnewhouse7782]

Nicole we are all here for you. You are amazing and have done everything possible to be here. Maybe panic attacks. Please see a doc to get help. This is not the Nicole that we know. I am crying with you as my daughter has panic attacks and it’s real!! Love you. Kathy Erie pa

[@benteromvigkrogsgard7563]

Im 54 and have had anxiety most of my life. I have been watching you and you have learned me to live life in the best possible way despite whatever you deal with. THANK YOU NICOLE ❤️

[@shanlon3213]

I pray you get peace in your mind and a sound nights rest. While waiting in gods waiting room the mind takes over as someone who has never had time to reflect it can become to much once you have the time. As somone who has always keep a busy mind, and never knew why till i watched your video. I grew up in chaos. I always wondered why i do so well un pressure or in crisis but its caise i had to learn it to survive my childhood. You also made me see why i am not like everyone else and worry about the future. I have just always worried about surviving the day. You have gave me alot of food for thought. Thank you for being so open. I leanred so much from this video. Im sorry it is coming at a price to you. Please sleep well tonight and have the best unicorn dreams.

[@fififirestone3787]

It sounds like you have CPTSD as do I. There are great resources available including Paul Walker's book on the subject and the ACA 12 step groups which can be found online.

[@charlottebarros2866]

Hello good morning I sure miss you I’m so sorry cancer is a beast!!!! I always think of you. May god continue to give you comfort

[@heidi1651]

I think you're right about now having the time and space and your emotions and experience coming forth in a new way because of it. I think you are curious which I think can help even if at times its very scary. Your reactions make complete sense given what you've been through. I wonder if processing more of what you've been through to then move more fully into this next place could help. Bridging the two places more possibly w some talking w palliative care about the emotional aspects coming up and not just thoughts on passing but feelings. I also kept thinking throughout about how instead of focusing so acutely on your breath and ability or not to breathe, maybe to bring your attention to your senses to ground some. You could play w essential oils and notice the scent either on or around you, have some music or a podcast playing in the background, have good fabrics near or on you to touch etc... letting the environment and groundedness in it support you. And if structure is helpful then maybe structuring your days more and finding ways to connect w nature and others still. Just some thoughts... love to you, Nicole. 💜💫

[@annehull7169]

Sending love and prayers ❤❤❤

[@32shawnee]

Hello Nicole .. Fellow chaos master here .. for the same reasons .. I’ve had panic attacks from age 21 until last month basically ( I’m 58) . The ONLY thing that absolutely broke me through the PTSD and anxiety attacks was/is micro dosing Ketamine .. Consultations are via zoom and the medication was there within a few days .. being in the Chicago area you may have access to IV Ketamine facilities .. I don’t have any experience with it being administered intravenously .. although that may be a more immediate option ..

[@feastmastress]

Hi! Thank you for taking the tim to share Please tell me more - are you using ketamine simply for anxiety or as a pain management tool also? I’m actually in conversations with my palliative team about trying IV for pain. Apparently it’s a 3 day infusion. I’ve read all the research - it’s also supposedly amazing for neuropathy

[@32shawnee]

I’m mainly taking it to get myself out of fight or flight .. and to help with the aftermath of having three close family members die “ out of order “ and tragically . Your brain’s response to the trauma from your most recent cancer treatment especially , sounds similar to the way my brain was working in acting like an eminent threat was present , when logically .. it wasn’t . I understand what you’re saying . The ketamine , even at the daily micro dose level , broke through all the anxiety and trauma and reset me to before all that happened . The best way I can describe it is.. is a powerful positive tool in dealing with trauma , depression , anxiety .. I cannot say enough good about it . I had never taken anything like it before ever, and it did not cause me to disassociate , or have any sort of negative reaction . I hope this helps, and I’m willing to share whatever I can. ❤

[@32shawnee]

You are an amazing human being …..

[@feastmastress]

@@32shawneethank you!

[@theresastruve6985]

Ask for some Lorazepam, if you don't already have some!!!!!! Anxiety mrdication.. Also, Gabapentin can have some very strange side effects, such as scary dreams, night terrors almost.

[@zhaviyah84]

Gabapentin is 100x worse than any opioid I’ve tried. I think it’s mental not actually physical as gabapentin makes you sleepy too and yes crazy dreams etc. awful awful drug. Same with lyrica - evil meds sadly but doctors would rather prescribe them than something more natural

[@zhaviyah84]

Benzos likely wouldn’t work for her if they make her sleepy given she’s scared to sleep lol

[@trulymix]

Praying for peace for you so you can reclaim joy in your days.

[@kristimartinez7528]

Nicole..I wish that I could just give you a giant hug! I have so much love and admiration for you. You have been a huge blessing in my life. ❤️❤❤❤ Please talk to us. We are here to comfort and listen.

[@hartnettocl]

Nicole I am in tears watching you have so much trouble. You have fought for so long you deserve peace ❤️ I am sending big loving hugs and prayers 🙏 Sending hugs to Gabby also. Hope you feel better soon…all my love 😍

[@hemacdonald400]

You have a rotten cold that was the last thing you needed. Combine that with having this space to focus on your breathing rather than the next plan must be terrifying. Anxiety is all consuming, but your creativity will kick in and you will find that place of safety and calm. Your question is a tough one unless a viewer is on a similar path as yours. Your anxiety is understandable and unfortunately you have the time to fall prey to it now; the last five years of active treatment was a good cover. Wishing you the a way out of this trap of anxiety and to a quiet mind.

[@kristypaul8067]

Your in my thoughts and prayers Nicole god bless you and your family ❤

[@terriann7804]

Makes total sense! 🙏

[@krisjames4276]

Ohhhhhhh darling, you are going through such a very rough time, I am so sad. 😢Please speak to your doctor concerning medications to help ease your terrible mental anguish. You have to have something to take as you can't carry on like this. It may take several different tries to find a drug that will ease your symptoms but there are plenty out there. You are not just dealing mentally but so much physically with the pain. My love and prayers go to you and your wife. ❤❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏🙏🤗🤗🤗

[@vl1550]

Hi Nicole, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a tough time. 😢 I’m sending you a great big hug! ❤

[@IraAltman-sz1mi]

My sweet Nicole I just want to hug you a bunch hoping that you feel safe. It breaks my heart that you have to go through this! Hopefully you can be prescribed a medication to calm you down. Even though I have never met you in person I feel this deep loving connection with you. You are so loved by all those that have the privilege to be part of your life. I am sending you positive energy, strength and hugs. ❤ Donna Please remember the picture is my husband, not me.