"You're Here For Me!"

[@spacegirl226]

My mother has done this to my brother and me. My brother gets it worse because she treats him like a surrogate spouse. I get all the grief because I don't want that anymore and push back. I never realized when I was younger our relationships to her were about making her feel better and regulated. I thought that was what love was but realized in my teens my full attention wasn't enough and she wasn't returning any of that love. Now I know the reality of the situation, and I'm heartbroken at how she destroyed my brother and me and how we've turned out because neither of our parents got their shit in order. My brother will never recover, but I am trying my hardest to. Ugh. Thank you, Patrick. Hang in there, survivors. Internet fist bumps all around.

[@bryonyvaughn2427]

Oof. Tangle was such a therapeutic movie for me. In my bones, I felt the relationship between Rapunzel and Mother Gothel. That movie showed me so much truth about the nature of my mother’s relationship with me than I could have gotten in years of therapy. I should watch it again.

[@Areyouanarcissist]

Where would I find that movie

[@TaylorEngen]

Most likely on disney+

[@tragictrain404]

My mom and I saw it in theaters together. Afterwards she complained about Mother Gothel’s portrayal and worried the movie would influence me to rebel lmao

[@julianneh.1768]

​@@tragictrain404 That's all wild, 😂, and 😅. WOW.

[@PrayersfromtheRedwoodForest]

Right?!

[@Taisha12001]

Sadly I really feel that's why a lot of people are having children today. It's not because they really wanted to be a parent to give all their love to a child, is that they want the child to give all their love to them.

[@Godisgreat-7777]

Agreed. It seems rarely do people think about what is best for the innocent child. People often have children, out of selfishness. It’s disgusting to witness.

[@angelalovell5669]

It's been a reason for a very, very long time. And when you factor in society's expectation of women being wives and mothers before anything else, even before being considered a human being worthy of basic respect, you realise that a huge proportion of the historical human population were thought of as the love, loyalty and care their mother (and/or father) never had even before they were born. The patriarchy strikes again.

[@cass_sorrel]

​@@angelalovell5669excellent analysis. There's that feminist saying that the personal is political. And it really is. Resisting authoritarianism, patriarchy, individualism, colonialism, etc is so important to me. We will never have healthy families and raise healthy children if we don't dismantle these forces and also resist the interpersonal dynamics that reinforce those forces.

[@felixthecat2786]

This was exactly what my relationship was like with my mother. It really sucks. I still don't feel like a daughter to this day. I feel like I still have to mother her.

[@bastetsrising9601]

I have this one vivid memory from childhood, where my mother was sitting on the floor, picking her nose relentlessly, looking at me and saying in a childish voice, "I am so happy that I get to learn so much from you." Again, I was the child, she was the adult. This is how she acted towards me. At the same time, she presented a perfectly angelic motherly figure in public to the point where all her friends and family were always telling me how lucky I was to have such a wonderful mother.

[@CutenessMonsters]

😣 that is rough! My goodness! I hope you heal well ❤️‍🩹

[@cass_sorrel]

I'm really sorry 😞😞😞

[@EdgiB0Do]

Aww.. I don’t know your situation but I would suggest to forgive her, we are all imperfect beings at the end of the day. I suffered neglect from my mother too and sort of had to be the parent at times, even now as an adult but very recently my mother explained why this had happened and all the pain and anger melted away because she tried her best due to her capacity and the situation and pain that she was facing. So maybe tell her how you feel if you can

[@claudiamithunden]

​@@EdgiB0Do please be careful with your advice. Forgiving only can happen after healing. It hurts when others dismiss ones pain by telling them to "get over the trauma" and forgive the one who did it in the first place.

[@PrayersfromtheRedwoodForest]

Yep

[@BL-sd2qw]

My parents parentified my brother with me. I didn't know that that was even happening. I always thought that his care came from a place of love, not obligation. I never imagined that my parents were pressuring him into "taking care of me" because "I was the younger sibling". It's a weird form of betrayal...

[@DawnSelby-k5w]

As the older sibling, please know that your experience of feeling love from your brother was real. Even though he was parentified to his own harm, it doesn't mean he didn't love you.

[@Areyouanarcissist]

@@BL-sd2qw ya, I hear ya

[@umw569]

With my parents, it was "You shouldn't be here at all."

[@goblinelemental]

my mother did this to me and my sisters growing up. we were her therapists and confidants. She had trouble maintaining friendships with other adults and so really the only other adults around growing up were family - until they cut them out too

[@Lola-tq8nv]

Thank you for these educational shorts - a reminder that I was not the bad, incompetent failure they convinced me I was. They told me they did not love me while beating me for nonexistent crimes. I believed my job was to protect my mom and younger sister. During mom's meltdowns, I had to console her and listen to the hideous things she tolerated from her husband, with the disclaimer at the end, of how WONderful he was. Glad she felt better, and could carry-on with her fairy tale. Meanwhile, dad dumped his lifelong gripes on me too - the vulgar raging would go on for hours, often while abusing and torturing me. Decades before I realized that I never had anyone to cry to, talk to, or protect me.

[@andreevaillancourt2177]

I hear you.

[@annaburns2865]

This is why as a 36 year old I feel older than my 67 year old parent. Because she’s made me her parent. And when that didn’t work, she made my husband and my brother her parents too. But the damage to me had already been done. And she even triangulated my brother against me, and didn’t help me when I was trying to figure out that my husband had ASD. Even though I helped her when my dad left. She told me that he was the narcissist and she was in the victim. So I felt bad for her. Later I found out that he left because she was a narcissist too.

[@andreabiro2357]

My mom just told it to me upfront, because there were so much change in me and she couldn't have the responses she got used from me. That was the point I left for good.

[@kdjourney51]

Oldest girl- taking care of siblings in a not good enough way because I was a child as well. They are the main character. Isn’t EVERYONE there for them

[@MaryWallace-wv2bn]

I was raised by 9 sisters and a brother. A mother that had a child from the age of 18-35 and then a son after me who she treated like the golden child.

[@angelalovell5669]

Barf... I'm sorry, it really sucks when people use the existence of a human being as some kind of redemption arc or justification for thoughtless or unaddressed behaviour towards others. Ick. You and your siblings deserved better from her.

[@amberfuchs398]

Also known as covert emotional incest - treating your child like a friend, partner, therapist, emotional support child, etc. and enmeshment - lack of physical, emotional, psychological boundaries. They should never have had kids.

[@nm8834]

F-ing truth!!!!!! But then that wouldve required responsibility.

[@seajelly2421]

As a formerly parentified child who is now a mother, I worry about this a lot. Am I teaching him responsibility, or am I expecting him to act like an adult? Etc. I'm trying to draw the lines in the right places but I worry I'm messing it up.

[@lauren_WI]

I feel the same exact same! And I think this will ant as uncommon as we heal. You are worrying about your child, a big step forward in not being your parent. That recognition is ❤beautiful bc you’re mindfully breaking that generational trauma. I’m cheering 📣 for you, we all are!

[@billydiaz7280]

Me too!

[@cass_sorrel]

Yeah!! I feel you. I don't have kids, but I have to remind myself what is developmentally appropriate at each life stage bc I get so anxious about fucking up that lives of kids and young adults with unfair expectations. I'm 31 and I'm extremely anxious around relating to humans who are under college age bc I've been parentified by my family and later in college I was groomed by older church folks who called me "old soul"

[@nathalieduverna6963]

My mom is doing this to my sister and brother. She did it to me and i ran from her

[@kathrynrealhealthtalk910]

Horrible that so many parents have done and do-do this. For s few generations now at least

[@cara2971]

This sums up my mum perfectly

[@lesliegann2737]

Starting very young, it was my role to be my mother's invisible audience to listen to her talk. Even as a small child, I could see that the roles were being reversed. When we got a TV (back in late 50's) I remember seeing Sleeping Beauty and I had nightmares of my mother being the wicked witch.

[@BL-sd2qw]

This is my mother.

[@amarbyrd2520]

Mine too So many of us in the comments 😢

[@mysticsuzi]

I was my mothers confidant and personal assistant. She is dead. I am not grieving at my freedom from her manipulation and lies.

[@bluemoony102]

Thank YOU 🙏🏼 so much Patrick ♥️

[@mindkindmom]

A mantra every parentified child should keep repeating, -:I'm not obliged or responsible to take care of everyone. Adults are supposed to take care of their own stuff:"

[@GoldenDelicious55]

I’m so sad, angry and bitter that I had to be a spouse and mother as a child. And now I have to be a caretaker to my old parents.

[@grogweedwalker]

My mom did this with my sister and my sister is so messed up today it hurts.

[@jamg8483]

This is my MIL with all three of her sons. She still relies on her 40+yo sons to meet her emotional intimacy needs. They don’t. They all stopped years ago so she cries wolf and plays victim. She calls her son who lives in another state and is nasty to him because he hasn’t come to visit her in a year. He has an 11yo son who she’s only flown to visit 4 times in his entire life. But of course she’s still the victim. 😂

[@buildtherobots]

The bigger you smile, the prettier mommy looks

[@porkchoppeaches]

A good solid relationship with your partner is so important.

[@matthewsalmon2013]

People have always had children for selfish reasons. Maybe in a healthy relationship, the child only meets the parent's need for legacy. Even foster parents and teachers (selfishly) seek a good legacy. What's good isn't not different from investing for a long term and what's bad is the same as divestment. It's somewhat relative too. A bunch of neglected kids might find healthy community with each other, but if you have a whole different profile of love debt, then you might be too weird for others to get.

[@lordbob1364]

I was the sacrificial lamb that my family gave to my great grandmother so none of them would have to deal with her

[@msarzo]

I had a blow-up 14 years ago with my now-NC father and I brought up a couple of times when he outright asked ME to sacrifice for HIM. The only good thing I'll say is he admitted it when I called him out on his BS.

[@LaraCross512]

Best short video ever.❤

[@aftonair]

Thank you.

[@MaryWallace-wv2bn]

Ironically every time I would watch the movie “Tangled” with my grandchild, the mother/witch exemplified being controlled by the cult I was brought up in.

[@amarbyrd2520]

I never saw that movie because I had a feeling it might be too triggering 😢

[@peteywheatstraw4970]

So is it okay to say "thanks for being here for me" without the trauma dump? Just saying thank you for spending time with me? Is that better?

[@truewantsaband]

MY MOM

[@annaf.644]

Ughhh….this One We all know too well😢 I Am Especially upset the ex~husband 🤡has done this with Our Som😢who is also disabled!!! ♿️He’s just a kid🙏🏻❤️‍🩹God have Mercy on all of Us…especially the Wicked & Cruel…😔🙏🏻

[@MagusKali]

Culture can be such a huge factor with this behavior, especially when it conditions people to believe that it's noble to suffer for the sake of another who abuses the love you have for them. Should you stand up to these people, you are the villain because you aren't following the status quo.

[@AkshayGodson]

But we have to do something for them ❤

[@audrey1258]

💚💚💚

[@psalmsreader7997]

YEP!

[@ilovepickle]

YAY, enmeshment stuff! Thanks for talking about it more Patrick, I really appreciate it! ♥️🫂