4 Reasons So Many Men Can't Move On After Divorce

These are the top four reasons I see men getting stuck. Many men can't move on after divorce because they haven't dealt with these specific issues yet. As a divorce coach I've interviewed nearly 500 men in the last two years, and these are the top issues I see coming up again and again.
If you want to stop the pain of divorce, regain your confidence and move forward with purpose, hope and energy, then I can help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Watch the FREE Masterclass: How to Take Back Control Of Your Life After Divorce
► resources.rach...
Get the FREE Better Beyond Divorce App
► resources.rach...
Join the Better Beyond Divorce Course & Community:
► resources.rach...
Your divorce can either be the nail in your coffin, or it can be the catalyst you use to finally confront and heal your emotional wounds so they don't handicap you in relationships. You can become the best version of yourself and take control of your future.
Additional Resources
Free Masterclass: HOW TO TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AFTER DIVORCE
► resources.rach...
Guide: Emotional Stages of Divorce for Men & How to Heal within Each Stage
► resources.rach...
Dating After Divorce Checklist: Are you ready to date after your divorce?
► resources.rach...
Work with Me
Coaching Programs ➭ www.rachaelslo...
Learn more ➭ rachaelsloanco...
Shoot me an email ➭ [e-mail]
Helpful Books for Divorced Men (affiliate links)
► The Full Body Presence - Gives gentle, accessible exercises for somatic processing of emotional pain and trauma
amzn.to/3umFPkj
► The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time
amzn.to/3F326IS
► Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself - Concrete tools and exercises for rewiring the brain and reimagining your sense of self and purpose
amzn.to/3BaDyg9
► Legendary - Inspiration and a powerful perspective for stepping into your potential
amzn.to/3H6ofsF
► The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture - Brilliant, in every way. This is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and your ex wife and finding the clarity or compassion you need to forgive.
amzn.to/3UxdsuC
► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place.
amzn.to/3VNMOi7
I’m Rachael Sloan, Master NLP Practitioner, certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce. I've helped hundreds of men move past the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and after a divorce, to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. I hope to help you do the same.
DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.

[@bryanburke7947]

I loved and repected my lovely wife. Married for 26 years. Two beautiful daughters. What i didnt know was she was having a long term affair behind my back. That destoyed me as a man when i found out. Iv moved on and im doing very well. Leting go of the anger and foucasing on my new future really helped me move on.....Im in a new place now and im as happay as iv ever been.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Bryan, that's wonderful to hear! Thank you for sharing that ray of hope here. I'm starting a new series for KZbin that I think will help a lot of men - it will be a series of stories, where different men who have been through divorce simply tell their story. What was hard, what helped, what didn't... how they moved through and past it. Would you have any interest in sharing your story in this way? If you do, please shoot me an email at [e-mail]

[@Spiderman519]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach you are so awesome . I’m going on the second week listening to all your counsel

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

@@Spiderman519 I'm glad the videos are helpful! Thank you for watching and commenting. If you'd like to go a little deeper, please check out my free masterclass. It has some great emotional regulation tools, and goes farther into the topics I discuss here in these shorter videos. You can find it here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/app-sign-up-page1692045898432

[@kristenmoonrise]

I'm not of your target audience but I found this extremely helpful. I've never been married but I briefly dated a guy who was divorced but struggled with the first point you made about identity (probably the others also but I'm only going by what I could see). I couldn't get to know him and decided to not continue dating because he was still so emotionally wrapped up in his first marriage from years before. I don't mind dating divorced men but they've got to have done their inner work first, just like anyone else.

[@sentiment201]

Only soft and weak men without purpose in their lives act that way

[@DeadCat-42]

I had one date a few years after my divorce, she was just using me for an expensive meal $1100 including tip.. but that wasn't the main reason I never dated again. I realized I was completely destroyed as a person by my divorce and could never be a happy person again. I couldn't have a normal relationship, she hurt me to badly. My only way out is death at this point, with every day that passes I hate myself more.

[@rainifyoulike]

It's been a year now since separating and not seeing my daughter every day is not getting any easier. I cry about it every time I give it thought. I don't think I'll ever be able to move on from that. I don't think I'll ever be able to get past the fact that my daughter is in a broken family. I think it's something I will always have to mourn much like a bereavement.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Greg, thanks for watching and for sharing. It's clear that many folks here can relate to what you're experiencing. If you're open to sharing, I would like to ask - how does that grief affect you day to day? I ask because I often see thoughts like yours not only causing suffering but actually making it harder for a father to be fully present, focused and emotionally responsive to his kids. The pain caused by the belief can actually become more problematic for the child than the divorce itself. If you see your time with your daughter suffering because of this grief, then it may be worth the time and effort involved in fully processing it and healing the wounded parts of yourself. That work can be done. It isn't easy. It isn't fast. It takes commitment, dedication and, above all, courage. But from just this comment I can see how much you love your daughter, so I imagine you can be quite motivated if you really believed it would benefit her? I can help you do this work. A good therapist or grief counselor can as well. If you're interested in doing it with me I'll give you a step by step process and lots of support. You can find the details here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce Whether you work with me or seek help from a grief counselor or therapist, I do hope you'll consider getting professional support in healing, for your daughter's sake if not your own.

[@rainifyoulike]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Hi Rachel, Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I am more than happy to share. I would say that day to day it has very little effect on my daughter. It's really just in the quiet moments that I can be bombarded with the all the negative thoughts. Some of them unfounded and some of them just plain fact. For example if I am not in a particularly good head space I could be watching her play quietly with her toys or falling asleep at night and I'll be close to breaking down. If she were to turn around and ask me to play with her I can quickly snap myself out of it and give her my attention but admitedly probably not as much as when I am in a good headspace. My relationship with my daughter is better than it's ever been and my patience and understanding of her has increased too. I am quite a cyclicle person and so as I write this I feel much better than when I posted my inital comment. I feel strong and generally quite postitive but I know all to well that this could change in a week or two. When I say I feel postivie I wouldn't say that in respect to being in a broken family and not seeing her much etc..but more that for whatever reason my mind isn't honinig in on that quite as much at the moment. Those are things in my life that are always going to be painful to some degree and I guess all I can do is learn to live with that. I have and do speak with a therapist but tbh I find that 1 hour is never enough. I have sooo much going on in my head and heart that often I feel I've only just started to get somewhere by the end of the session. Interestingly enough however the turning point in my mental health this past couple of weeks came after one of those sessions that to my mind didn't feel very satisfying or conclusive. Perhaps it was enough to just air some if it?

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

@@rainifyoulike thank you for sharing a little more of your story, and your experience with therapy. I too often find that an hour session isn't really enough - it takes some time to get comfortable and into the deeper questions or issues, and then time to process them... sometimes the real work does start right about an hour in! However, I do think it is still valuable. Dr. Peter Levine, a well respected psychotherapist who spent over 30 years studying trauma responses says that, "trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness". Therapy gives the witness, which in itself can be really healing.

[@rainifyoulike]

​@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoachdo you offer sessions that are longer than an hour?

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

@@rainifyoulike when I used to do primarily private coaching I did sessions that were 75 minutes, and it wasn’t uncommon for them to stretch to 90 if needed. For the last 18 months I’ve been working with clients in a different way- through a small group model that incorporates self guided exercises, small group calls twice a week, a 24/7 support group and community online and a few hour long private sessions. With this format I’ve found I’m able to help clients more efficiently get underneath the content of their stories and access the root of their emotional pain so we can move the needle on what is actually hurting. The community and group sessions give an opportunity to tell your story and hear others similar stories, while the individual work and my coaching focuses on specific exercises for healing and moving forward. So far I see much better results with this approach than I saw in private sessions, including longer sessions.

[@rohangowland949]

Love your definition of love ❤️ An intention, an act of conscious will, to nurture oneself or others, rather than something mysterious that happens to us out of the blue

[@richardw7010]

Really interesting definition of love. I wonder if it’s different between men and women? How does it relate to attachment? I have to admit in that definition I did not love my ex (and vice versa). She was a constant disappointment. I would change my expectations if I could go back or just would've ended the relationships rather than sticking around out of duty. Still the feeling of love is so strong, and devastating now we are not together. So strange how it works.

[@Harrysun_k]

Reason #3 - intimacy is the biggest one I’m struggling with and keep having images pop up in my head about her being intimate with another man. I really need help with that one 💔

[@johnnyknoxville36]

Man me two I'm tore up with the thought of my ex wife being with someone else shit hurts man just keep it head up

[@orangeandslinky]

Men trust and love. Women don't. I was married 35 years before she left. She left when we were 60 years old. That was 10 years ago and I never got over it. This woman on here knows what men think and so we fall into thinking she actually cares for men. All she wants to do is sell stuff. She is NOT for changing marital laws at all. I asked her.

[@enjinman]

@@orangeandslinkyMan women are so delusional even at 60 thinking they can so better 😂

[@mzanudo86]

That definition of love was so eye opening and so true.

[@patmanstales]

You are my hero! Im trying to find the funds to take your class! your KZbin posts alone have helped me move on from trying to commit suicide because of the hurt from my divorce to learning im okay to get around the corner and be a new norm. thank you Rachel

[@MrGumball_]

Thank you ma’am, it helps a lot, opened my mind to new perspectives 😢😢😢

[@Guaicoboi]

Thank You for your insightful & informative video, very helpful.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

You're very welcome. Thanks so much for watching! I'm glad this was helpful.

[@leo9859]

You’re an angel . Thank you ❤

[@fajarsutrisno834]

Thank you for the video, Rachael. It does help. It's my 5th years from divorce.

[@DrWiffel]

You have really helpful content. Thank you!

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

You're welcome, I'm so glad it's been helpful for you. Thanks for watching and commenting!

[@jesstexanderson]

The mental images of her being intimate with someone else is driving me crazy! Please help me work through this.

[@NoMoreRatRaceForMe]

Love is either a hallmark word- -- Or love is a verb- how you show someone how important they are. But love is gone these days-

[@jb5313]

Thanks for another informative video! You have really helped me

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

You're welcome. Thank you for watching!

[@penntuckian]

5 years after the divorce it's still hard for me. My wife left me for a women, we had a child together who's 16 now and doing good. Dad is still struggling and I've gone to alcohol to make it go away. I know it's wrong, suppose I'm weak. I've tried online dating and I continue to think about my ex. I just can't move on.

[@4ND1Y3P35]

Dear Rachael, I go a lot through the sex=intimacy trap. Picturing my ex-wife with another man and being tormented by it. Could you help me with that excercise?

[@elminero49]

I left New York and moved to California because I never wanted to see my ex with another man. That was 27 years ago. I still find myself thinking of her. My only advice is to not let the past sabotage any new relationships. Stay away from women with BPD. ..and good luck to you. Its a tough road, but the road eventually can lead to discovering new ways to achieve happiness. Also try to avoid the trap of thinking that someday you will reunite with your ex. My ex is now married to someone else. If you can let go, you will feel so much better.

[@ditocacotini]

You’re great Rachael, thanks for the great advice!!

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Thanks Orlando! I'm glad you found it useful.

[@shivonthadhani4738]

Nice 👌 video 📹 Rachel, all of this is very informative. I hope to meet u someday in person, so I can discuss my issues with you 😊

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Thanks, Shivon. I'm glad that it was helpful!

[@Guaicoboi]

If meeting might be impractical at the moment, you can access her by signing up or registering for her consultant work, you won't regret it!

[@orangeandslinky]

You're very good at explaining how men feel and are. Should any man trust you? Never ever ever until the laws change to protect us from you.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I don't disagree with you at all. It's scary how easily a woman can destroy a man's life simply by making false claims. I have a dear friend who lost everything when his ex told the hospital he beat her in order to get access to more opiates. Unfortunately I don't think that changing the laws is the answer... though that might help. I think we need to heal as a society - I'm good at explaining how men feel because I have worked hard to understand how humans feel. Men and women are not so different. We are humans, with human hearts and human brains. We want to be loved and to feel safe and free. Unfortunately most people, men and women, don't feel any of those three things and spend most of their time anxious or angry, and we live in a society that has normalized dopamine addictions to soothe our angst... we have a lot of work to do. I'm sorry if you've been hurt by a woman, and I thank you for watching this video and taking the time to comment.

[@orangeandslinky]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach A huge part of how society runs is its legal system. Of course YOU DON'T WANT the laws to be fair! Your a feminist trying to sell stuff. We have more therapists and life coaches than ever now. Marriage is built on trust and love and a covenant commitment to each other for life. Having family law always in your favor only, is perfect for you and you alone. Now that women file for divorce 80% of the time(90% if they have a college degree) your not going to want to change that. Until the laws change back to needing provable grounds for divorce, men will never trust you or love you again. You know all this, but you can't admit it.

[@RJones8604]

How do I reach out?

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

You can email me directly at [e-mail], and you can also jump right into my free masterclass to go deeper into this work with me here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register

[@allengoodwin4294]

I was in a 25 year marriage and was a mess when it ended.then i was in a 9 year relationship that ended.i can relate to a lot of the things you are saying, especially when you talk about sex...both my relationships were started and built with sex being the starting point and i agree with what you are saying.

[@jimandersch5364]

I loved her but I keep confusing her having sex with me for loving me back. She didn't at least for the last few years. She didn't care if I ate or slept, she didn't care if I was happy, she just wanted me to be how she wanted.

[@waqar4763]

But it hurts

[@joyfultrails]

In the Scriptures, husbands are told to love their wives while wives are told to respect their husbands. Men are told to love their wives as Christ love the church - that means loving sacrificially to the point of giving your life up and laying it down for her. And she is told her respect her husband as the head of the marriage, the head of the family. It’s a delicate dance that works every time it’s tried. Also, the greatest definition of love ever penned is found in I Corinthians 13 and can never be improved upon.

[@perkito01]

So the message is to become better, a better man, better self love; be better in all kind of way love yourself, so why do you need to have a relationship you dont need another person then?

[@kiwikiwi8462]

Please I need your help, I am divorced since 2018 and hove one daughter.my divorce hurts me so much . Please I am suffering a years now, please I need your help.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. I would love to help, and your timing is excellent in reaching out. I just opened the doors for my 90 day accelerated coaching program, which starts December 1st. I've opened up my calendar to take consultations with folks who are interested in joining. You can book a call with me here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/discovery-call-for-bbd-foundations

[@Maxwelltemb0]

Please I need your help

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Maxwell, I'm sorry, I'm a bit behind in my comments. Please reach out to me directly - [e-mail]. You can also find details of my coaching programs here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce

[@mw1606]

not bad

[@jacobholm47]

I strongly disagree with the definition of love in this video. While I agree that actions are an important piece of love, I think as humans we continually fail to take action appropriately. If my ex wife is passive aggresive towards me or resentful, does that mean she doesnt actually love me? If I fail to do the dishes one night does that mean I dont love her? Those may not be loving actions, but that does not change whether or not we love someone. Also, actions and expressions of love look different in each couple and for each person. What may be an expression or action of love for one person will be different from the next. You can also absolutely hurt someone you love. Its part of life. You can fail to be loving or express love, but that does not reflect that you dont love someone. True Love is deeper than that. True love is an unconditional acceptance and caring for someone at their core, and a commitment to them. True love is not hold onto conditions and actions. It itself is an act of will and commitment.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

This is an interesting definition of love. Thank you for sharing it. What strikes me in the contrast between our two definitions is the idea of permanence. Your definition of love implies that if you love someone you love them. Period. All the time. The definition I offered in this video suggests that love is more transitory. You love someone when you are nurturing them, caring for them, respecting them... when you treat them without care, consideration or respect you aren't loving them in that moment. I would suggest that commitment to someone is distinct from loving them. I could be committed to someone I actively abuse, for example. Or I could love someone, nurture, respect and care for them for the time we're together and not be committed. For me personally, a sustainable relationship would require both commitment and love. I do wonder if True Love the way you've defined it actually exists in the real world. I have yet to meet someone who actually feels unconditional acceptance and caring for another person - absolutely without judgment, without need, without fear. I suppose if someone reached the state where they were fully at peace with themselves, safe and secure in their own identity and didn't need the relationship, perhaps then they would be capable of unconditional acceptance and care. It is a worthwhile form of love to aspire to, that is for certain.

[@darrellborland119]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach For those who have issues with relationships, Jordan Peterson's videos can cut thru the bs concerning what is healthy for both men and women, when the going has been tough. Thanks.

[@sentiment201]

A bunch of soft men are crying here. Man up!