This is Why You Can't Let Go After Divorce

[@kevinjames5116]

Married 15 years. Wife blindsided me 2 months ago and now is fast tracking divorce. I love her very much. It’s awful. We have 2 boys aged 12 and 9. They are going to be destroyed by this. This is the hardest thing to go through. So hard to know I used to be the one she got excited about and thought about and was excited to come home to, now I feel like nothing to her. This pain is unreal. 😢

[@georgemartin6074]

I'm going through the same thing with you kids. Never thought someone could actually do this.

[@anthonylogiudice9215]

Women are the main reason why society is unraveling and families being torn apart.

[@dazman1111]

You can spend years trying to make sense of it and you’ll never get the answer. She emotionally checked out years ago (unbeknownst to you), don’t waste any more energy on her, save it for the kids and yourself, move on man, she has.

[@chrisspivey3965]

20 years for me I can't belive its real. I'm so broken amd I can't see a path forward.

[@DallasGore-wj7pz]

Same. 20 years and 5 kids here.

[@JeffreySchubert-zj3qg]

Anybody else read the comments and get really depressed?

[@kw7796]

Actually, they help me. I am almost 3 years out. She wanted divorce & refused therapy. She wanted me back badly but after therapy i realized she is a total disaster. I blocked her. So much better now without her!!!! I lost 40 lbs and dated so many ladies I can't event tell you. Here is the #1 tip: Go carnivore and lose weight. Also, Weight / lifting is important,, but don't go heavy...you WILL get injured if over 50. These things build confidence & give you some strange form of control over your life. You can do this.😊

[@mattgabe4746]

Don’t read them. You’re in control of that

[@jeffreysmith7274]

But I must admit I truly loved being the White Knight. For over 35 years that was me: husband, father, provider, protector, partner and now it is no more. How someone you love can turn on you and attempt to destroy you after all those years makes one quit cynical about female nature. The Red Pill is such bitter medicine. Thank you for this much needed advice Rachael. PAX

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

You're welcome Jeffrey. Thank you for watching and commenting. I love your honesty here - being in an identity like White Knight can feel amazing. Yet even when it feels amazing it isn't the core of who we are. It's just an experience we get to step into for awhile. I hope you're finding your way forward into the next experience and the next identity.

[@patrickprendergast9589]

why is the red pill bitter

[@kevinjames5116]

No doubt. It’s awful and unreal how they can just forget everything from your past.

[@lmiller1413]

Ask her.

[@lmiller1413]

Ask her, your wife/ex wife. Ask her how she is feeling about being a wife.

[@SteveKiezebrink]

Married 29 years. She connected with someone mentally, found him on social media. He became more important than me. Lost my life savings, my house, and now am separated. Starting all over at age 56. My biggest problem was trusting my wife. The person who was supposed to have my back. Never had a reason not to trust her before? My bad!!! Great content, Rachael. Thank you! This identity thing is good. Will think about this.

[@octright01]

You’re very strong and I stand with you .

[@4gNick]

I’m with you in heart brother.

[@tgfearing4038]

Facing similar….starting over at 53….seems so overwhelming. Best wishes to you!

[@4getchnl]

I was just served a couple weeks after our 28th anniversary. I am in shock and totally unprepared. . I’m glad I found this program to help me both during and after this process. It is my goal to be Better Beyond Divorce.

[@zuzanabernikova6725]

@@4getchnl I was served this by my husband 2 months ago as well. After 25 years of marriage - he is divorcing me stone cold - as if nothing has ever been between us - luckily our sons are adults (22,24), but the pain and the feeling of being rejected and unloved is horrible. These programmes help me as well and I started to work out again to regain my self-confidence, which is below zero now. We can do it , I am sure - life goes on : )

[@victorroyjr2384]

My marriage ended months ago , but I still struggle to let go , my ex wife stuck by me through illness , there was never another man , no jealousy , I acknowledge my mistakes, I still think she is an amazing woman , so much regret And hanging on to the good memories here’s what haunts me

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I'm so sorry that you're struggling. In some ways, it is harder to let go when you still love and respect your ex. Hate makes letting go easier (even though it makes healing much slower). As far as I know there isn't an instant fix, but there is a process you can move through to begin letting go, making your peace with everything and start looking forward to your future. I'd like to invite you to watch my free Masterclass - I think you'll find it really useful at this stage. Over the last two years I've explored the process of letting go in depth with my clients. I've taken everything I learned from helping them move forward and put it into the Masterclass. You can find the details her: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/optin1671910386839 Thanks for watching. And hang in there. You can do this.

[@satriani19751]

for me its ben 6 years... and its stil not over.

[@nestormarrero538]

Same situation. 18 years 2 kids. Wondering how’s it been for u because I am broken beyond repair. Losing my wife but also my nest friend is unbearable

[@LalienX]

The part about her telling me why I failed at my role is what sent me over the edge. We went through so much yet in her final letter to me made it seem as if I was the devil from hell. I miss loving unconditionally and recklessly. I am approaching the dating market with such caution that I don't think it's worth it.

[@John_Wood_]

Don't beat yourself, they all seem to heap ALL the blame on the man. It's how they shift personal responsibility and help paint themselves as the victim. Just a female trick.

[@pastrami00]

Same thing happened to me. All my fault. I really want to find someone new but I can't imagine starting over again.

[@Indigo-blue1978]

That's because it is demonic forces that take control. So your senses about the devil you're not wrong with your instinct. The devil drives that wedge. Wants people to take their lives. So they control one and screw up the other. I kept hearing this stuff about spiritual warfare. Didn't understand it at all. I do now and it makes things so much more evident

[@agrikantus9422]

​@@pastrami00 just find someone else , and never be so attached. Also don't fall into the 7 deadly sins.

[@robertcunningham9626]

Try getting younger. See more receptive to do unconditional love.

[@alfe608]

This hit home for me. I have not wanted to let go because I see my purpose as being a family man and I feel like she is walking away with my purpose or identity. I will need to reinvent myself to a single father. This video is very liberating. This connects a lot of dots for me. Thank you!

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

You're welcome, Alex. I'm thrilled that this video was so helpful! Thanks for watching.

[@RodneyHickey-mv4bt]

I lost my marriage Jan 2023 after 14 years.. it crushed me so much it is may 2024 and the pain and hell is unbearable still.. that's why I'm here lookin here for any help still.. and this video made more sense than any I've watched or sessions I've attended.. I'm saving this and watching it every day.. thank you so much

[@AmarDas-ct3tn]

I am also having same issue, it's so painful, knowing everything happen for some good reason. Why she doesn't understand

[@Johnwick-07]

I want to encourage men to remember who you are. A man goes through many hardships in the life that women will not understand. These are 2 books that I recommend so you can keep your mind focused and your masculine energy strong. The author of both books are GS Young Blood. 1. The Art of embodiment for Men 2. The Masculine in the Relationship Don’t let people tell you that masculinity is toxic. It is absolutely necessary for men to cultivate and strengthen their masculine energy! Read or listen on audible. Stay strong men! 💪💪💪💪💪

[@johannesswillery7855]

I poured everything into my marriage. I let her go but I just can't let go of the betrayal.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Johanness, when you've put everything you have into a marriage it can be really difficult to move past the betrayal, even if you've been able to let your ex wife go. At the same time, holding on to feelings of resentment, anger or simply pain can also hijack the rest of your life. There are some things we can do together to help you let go so that you can heal and live a full life and even enjoy new relationships... but it takes some work. You can't just 'drop it'. In my experience there are always underlying wounds that need healing so that you can let go without feeling like you're condoning the other person's actions. It can also be important to develop a deep understanding of your ex's choices if you want to feel comfortable in pursuing a future relationship. If you'd like my direct support in letting go, check out the video on this page. It explains how coaching with me works and how to apply: rcsloan87.clickfunnels.com/application-page1661304835892 Even if you're not looking for personalized support, I think you'll find the video helpful. It gives more details on some of the tools I share here on KZbin and you may be able to apply those on your own to find a little more movement.

[@jsd1od]

I'm going though the same thing. I thought I was good; but I'm terribly resentful about about her cheating..... mind you with a coworker who I was introduced to. When I look back (almost 30 years) the amount of conceet I have her seems crazy. Now, two years seperate it almost seems like I don't care about anything eventhough I'm disgusted seeing her. I've blown $50k, my business is in shambles, my health is questionable, I can't sleep, bags under my eyes, very little too no social contact, no blinds or curtains on my windows; this is really crazy. I feel trapped. Meanwhile she just moved on; new car, career, lost weight, international trips; I feel like I want to break something. How do we escape this maze?

[@BosunM8James]

I'm preparing myself for divorce and it was comforting to hear my pain being identified clearly. It is my identity i feel like I'm losing and it is the memory of what i think of my wife and our time together I'm holding on to. I can't say identifying the fears and feelings have been the miracle cure to magically make me feel better but it does make me ask myself important questions like who do i want to be now moving forward. What do i want to do with my life. For that, i am immensely grateful for what this video has brought to my attention. Ms Sloan seems to have good advice and I'm subscribing to this channel.

[@strawberryshortcake8382]

Thank you. You’re so calming. Exactly what I need at this moment. This is currently my story. I’m going through a lot. 2 years ago( April 16,2022) I was in a terrible car wreck our car flipped upside down. ( it was the other persons fault , of course they had no insurance) my husband and I miraculously weren’t hurt. Thanks be to God ✝️ Then January 16,2023 my father passed at 64. Leaving my mother a widow of 42 years. ( he had heart problems, which eventually took his life ) Now as of May 2024, my husband wants a divorce. He says it’s because I got depressed from losing dad and I “ neglected “ him cause I slept more then normal last year ( which that’s what a lot of ppl do that are depressed…. Sleep!! ) Luckily, I have a mother with a big empty house willing to take me and my 2 dog kids in, while my STBX takes the other 3 pups. I don’t know what to do , I tried to be a good wife and he says he was happy for over 12 years but that last year he wasn’t ( I told him today, if u we’re sad last year you have no idea what I felt like but he simply doesn’t understand why it took a year to grieve my father. I try to explain what grief is but he doesn’t get it. I’m scared to death to ( eventually) get back out there and date. After 14 years I never thought I’d have to do that again but looks like I’ll have to at some point. For now I’m going to focus on prayer and taking care of myself but I’m still scared of the future and am in shock my husband ( who by all accounts was a good one ) wants to part ways. My mind simple can’t understand it. Please pray for me to find peace and maybe one day the one I’m supposed to be with.

[@TSgtOzzy]

I took a few minutes to walk outside and just look and listen. Wow, what an immediate difference I felt and noticed by just taking time to live in the present. Truly, a lesson learned while I go through this divorce.

[@Beefster99]

Thank you for this. Since my divorce I’ve had many nights just sitting alone in the dark and it can truly be haunting with no path in front of me. At the very least I know this isn’t a unique experience and there is help available. Thank you.

[@test90020]

Hi Grahf, you’re welcome. I’m glad this video offered a small degree of comfort. How long ago was your divorce? Is there anything that is helping you get through those nights?

[@Beefster99]

@@test90020 thank you for responding. I’ve tried professional help and it hasn’t done much. I keep bouncing back and forth between anger and almost despair because I feel that more the half of my life was taken from me and now I don’t know what to do. Each day I shove it back down, put on a face and go to work because it needs to get done. But I know that’s not a solution. My divorce finalized in March of ‘21.

[@test90020]

@@Beefster99 I agree - shoving it down is a temporary solution. It works for awhile but then you wake up six years later and you’re still suffering, or worse you’ve spiraled into a dark place you can’t seem to climb out of. I’ve found that there is one approach that can help, which I call limbic awareness. It is all about developing the skill of communicating with your own emotions, so you can first witness and later influence the finer details of what you think and feel. For instance, a thought that is active in your life right now is, ‘half my life was taken from me’. When that belief is active in your mind you feel despair. The despair saps your energy and motivation, leaving you forced to push through your day by the sheer brute effort of your will. You may find yourself numbing or buffering as well to temporarily escape the pain. If that continues it will take the next half of your life away from you. Painful as it is to look at, exploring that cycle and helping your nervous system move through emotions like despair or grief will ultimately give you the tools you need to take your life back. If professional help hasn’t worked, it might be because you need a different approach. This video explains the process of limbic awareness and how it differs from traditional therapy or counseling. You can apply some of the techniques on your own or you can apply to work with me and I’ll help you customize the process for you. Either way, I hope it helps you explore a different way of handling this. rcsloan87.clickfunnels.com/application-page1661304835892 You’re welcome to email me directly as well- [e-mail]

[@aldoruiz888]

Hi Grahf, I know exactly what you mean, those sleepless nights are horrible. I’m going through a divorce right now and I feel lost

[@Beefster99]

@@aldoruiz888 I’m sorry you have to go through it. I hope you didn’t get blind sided like I did.

[@kcollins3451]

This is a very helpful video for me. I am approaching divorce after 30 years and am really struggling with the feeling that I would do nearly anything to make the pain go away. I have a counsellor and I will definitely talk to him next time about the loss of my identity as a husband but not, thank goodness as a father.

[@SingleDadSurvival]

It can be tough as hell being a single dad... I talk about my own struggles/dealing with child support on my channel if you think it may help you...just to share stories. Keep your head up and fight. 🤝

[@jeff503pdx]

Yikes. Right on. I was a busy mini-van Dad for 10 years, then bam, a single guy trying to find what to do. Getting better but have bad days. Everything you talked about it so true, thank you for talking. I got a therapist and talked about suicide, it was awesome, the best thing ever to talk about. I used the crisis hotline a few times. Gaining back who I am.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Thank you so much for this comment. There are so many people who need to hear what you just said - this is a hard process, it is not something that the human nervous system evolved to manage alone. Getting support and TALKING about the hard things, particularly suicidal thoughts, is so incredibly helpful. And crazy difficult at the same time. I hope you're proud of yourself for taking those leaps. I am grateful to you for sharing it here. Thank you.

[@SingleDadSurvival]

It can be tough as hell being a single dad... I talk about my own struggles/dealing with child support on my channel if you think it may help you...just to share stories. Keep your head up and fight. 🤝

[@mikerouse8695]

Thank you.. I needed your words. My wife left me after 30 years 4 weeks after I almost died from a heart attack. Wish I would have died so many times as I am lost and heart broken wondering why. I am trying to let go but it's so hard..

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Mike, I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. It is hard, and you've been through deeply painful things. I'm glad this video was a little bit soothing. Please come join me on Wednesday - I'm hosting a live training call where I'm going to share in greater detail the strategies that have helped my clients get through things like this. Here are the details: LIVE Training: Take Back Control of Your Life After Divorce DATE: Wednesday, December 21st, 2022 TIME: 5 pm PST I hope I'll see you there! rcsloan87.clickfunnels.com/webinar-registrationcxmo090

[@ninjaxams]

This is the best explanation of identity loss in a failed relationship I’ve heard, thank you for creating this.

[@nonphic]

My ex filed for divorce last month, I have all these feelings, but suicide is the strongest feeling I have after losing her, I hope by watching your videos can save me

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I'm really glad you posted. Please see someone in person, a therapist or a counselor. They can help you get through these next few hours or days. I know that those feelings can be overwhelming. I have seen it in many of my clients. But please listen when I tell you this - they get through it and they are so grateful that they didn't give into that feeling at the time. Those thoughts are trying to save you from pain. There are other, better ways to reduce the pain and help you heal. Please, please, please start working with a therapist. They can help you directly.

[@chuckdriver8269]

I would die for my ex, my daughters, I would have done anything for them. If I let go it’s over. Period. If she moves closer to me after I let go, it is over. I am nonexistent. How I feel has never mattered. 🇺🇸

[@lmiller1413]

Are you sure? Ask her what is important to her.

[@chuckdriver8269]

@@lmiller1413 - well, it certainly isn’t me.

[@travislorenz5551]

Thank you so much Rachael. I am 3 years post divorce. I have been clinging to my "Past Life" not the person, but what the relationship represented...you have given me some respite.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Travis, I’m sorry for a slow reply. I’m glad you found this video helpful. Now that it’s been a few weeks, how are you feeling? Are you succeeding in letting go of your ‘Past Life’?

[@MJ-nv3gl]

Thank you Rachael! My wife informed me about a month ago that she wants a divorce. Financial circumstances have dictated we continue living together but we sleep in separate rooms and have minimal interaction. During this time I have held out hope that this would 'blow over' and we would get back together, but I am now facing the fact that we won't and I have to move on. But I don't know how. Having a wife and kids made me whole and I don't know where to go now. It's comforting to know others are going through similar situations and that there can be life on the other side. Just don't know how to get to that side yet. But thank you again for this forum.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

You’re welcome! I wish I could give you a piece of advice that would make it better or help you move on, but honestly the situation you are in right now is a difficult one. I have clients in similar positions- still living in the same house and trying to care for kids while working on a divorce. It’s been my experience that this is one of the hardest positions to be in during divorce. I’m not trying to scare you - the reason I’m saying this is because I hope it will help you give yourself grace and take things slowly. This might not be the moment to tackle moving on. The next few weeks or months might need to be focused more on processing your emotions, navigating the logistics day to day and being very intentional each day about making time to do things that help you support yourself - talk to friends, family, therapist, exercise, walk in nature, eat well, sleep, cry… whatever your body is telling you that you need. In these situations it has also helped some of my clients to set boundaries around interactions, just to give yourself as much emotional breathing room as possible. You will move forward and you will have time to work out what wholeness is for you outside of this marriage. But please don’t put pressure on yourself to solve all of that right now. Instead surround yourself with as much support as possible, and acknowledge that there might be a limited amount you can expect from yourself in terms of healing while you are still sharing a roof with your children’s mother. You’ll get through this, and the work of moving on will be much easier to tackle a few months from now.

[@MrOcean2468]

Very similar situation. Hang in there, not easy at all.

[@John_Wood_]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach excellent advice. I'm in a similar situation. It is like being in limbo at present, but still great to be under the same roof as my children every night. It's just day by day at the moment, hoping for a brighter future for everyone.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

@@John_Wood_ I'm glad it was helpful. It's a hard situation to be in, but it sounds like you are approaching it with a great attitude. Do you have a good support system around you?

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

@@John_Wood_ it sounds like you've found something to focus on that is really helpful. If you ever decide you'd like a little more support, you're more than welcome to join my Better Beyond Divorce Community. The guys there are pretty incredible. I'm inspired by them every day. You can find membership details here if you're interested: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-community-sign-up1690991727551 Either way, I hope you keep up the positive attitude. I loved the gratitude you expressed for being close to your kids. Gratitude is a pretty powerful way to keep the positive outlook going. Thanks for watching and for commenting.

[@paw45]

34 years of marriage and she decided that she is no longer in love with me. I am having major back surgery next week. Right at my time of need. She decides to dump me. The heartache is unbearable. I have prayed for God to pull my number. If I were to die during the surgery. The brokenheartedness would be over. I am all messed up.

[@MrTedflick]

How are you holding up brother?

[@rickhalas]

Thinking of you paw

[@frankdique8799]

I was married for 30 years, but now divorced for 5 I'm in a better place. Meeting new friends, finding a better job and believing in oneself are ways to understand that you are important. Been independentl is very empowering, and making changes in your life is key. It's her loss is the positive mentality you must have and forgive yourself of any wrong doings. In time you'll find someone else who wants to be part of your life. Take care 👍

[@eXxaric]

How are you doing mate ?

[@Jeremy-xe9vs]

Unfortunately, I don't think I fit into this category. I honestly could care less about my 'identities,' I'm just lonely as hell and just miss her companionship and her love. I don't even know how to begin 'moving on' when I was with this woman ever since I was 16 years old (I turn 40 this year...)

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

Be grateful for the people in your life. Life is difficult and hard, but it is amazing, and is not forever. Love those around you and appreciate them

[@vbenitez5700]

Don't let go bro, that marriage is sacred, trust in Jesus and He will show you the rest, This marriage was the wake up call you needed, Trust the Lord and your identity will be in Him, then you will have hope and not be shaken. Then you can try again with your wife once you and God are reunited. You can have hope in marriage restoration!!!!!!!

[@nashvilleautogallery2196]

I was feeling down today and having suicidal thoughts and i am so glad to watch your video. 45 years old been married 20 years with a 12 year old son. She filed for divorce a month ago completely blinsided me. I am devastated and feel lost and hurt to see my son hurting. I have lost 24lb cant sleep still in a shock.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad this video helped. Do you have a support system or a therapist on your team? It can help a lot with suicidal thoughts in particular. Next week I'm offering a free, live workshop, where we're gonna take a deep dive into how to cope with those overwhelming emotions, so you can sleep, eat, and stay around for your son. If you'd like to join, you can register for the event here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/free-workshop

[@millermc74]

Hang in there. I have been in the same place and it will only heal with time. Just do your best to get through each day.

[@Jimlovescoffee]

The thing that is helping me try and understand is using the “I” what am I..thinking and feeling. It is helping me stay in the current. Came home after 27 years and she had moved out. Then spent 3 days going back and forth packing. She got advice to just walk out. Im learning I don’t really need to know why, she was unhappy and I am recognizing how unhappy I had become. These videos and advise ha helped me grow so fast, i honestly was afraid it would take me years to get over everything. I was in really dark place. I journal and use a work book in the morning and night. I watch these amazing videos. I have an understanding boss and told him if I’m late to work I’m taking time to be healthier. Hope this helps, I like to read comments they help. I am trying so hard to use the tools you are so kind to share.

[@robc3887]

Thank you Rachel, I have been wondering how do I figure out who I am now without being a husband anymore. I understand identity but that emptiness in my heart is what is proving hard to deal with.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Rob, I understand. That emptiness can be pretty consuming, and it can make focusing on figuring out your identity really difficult. I find that before you can make much progress on the identity front you usually need to spend some time really processing emotions and moving through grief/anger/fear/regret/shame and all of those fun feelings. Divorce inherently involves loss, but often that loss is complicated by other emotions. In my coaching program, Better Beyond Divorce, we start out with that emotional work. It gives you the space and the energy to really focus on the identity piece. If you'd like support and guidance around how to do that, I'd be happy to talk. You can email me at [e-mail] or book a time in my calendar here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/contact-8 If you'd like to tackle some of that emotional work on your own, I'd highly recommend buying the book The Full Body Presence by Suzanne Scurlock-Durana and really committing to doing the exercises she teaches. A therapist or good counselor could also help you with the emotional piece so you can have a little more room and clarity to work on the identity component.

[@tphiladeng10]

Divorce hasn’t happened yet but she stands on the divorce and me moving out. So now, I’m just trying to set myself up for when the divorce actually happens. Going to try to utilize what I got from your video and hope it can help me through this very difficult time

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I'm sorry you're going through this. In some ways this is the hardest part - before it actually happens but when she's adamant that it is going to. I'm glad this video gave you a few good tools. If you'd like MORE (more tools, more details on how to apply the ones from this video, more resources) check out my free Masterclass - www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register It goes a lot deeper than I can in these KZbin videos, and teaches some of the specific strategies I use with my clients. I think you'll find it helpful when it comes to actually applying the things from this video. Thanks for watching! I'm rooting for you.

[@eddys.3485]

Going through this at the moment. She moved out a few months ago. Only seeing the kids every other week. Had seen the doctor for anxiety and chest pain. Sleepless nights, feeling lost.

[@fireblade8905]

It gets easier. My wife left me in may. She is with a new man. Focus on yourself and kids

[@John_Wood_]

@@fireblade8905 she didn't hang about...

[@fireblade8905]

@@John_Wood_ no. Why would she? We live in a throw away culture

[@SingleDadSurvival]

It can be tough as hell being a single dad... I talk about my own struggles/dealing with child support on my channel if you think it may help you...just to share stories. Keep your head up and fight. 🤝

[@michaelgriffin691]

The biggest mistake a man could make is trying to hold on, trust me.

[@rougebaba3887]

This is vital for a rejected husband to understand. My first wife walked out on our marriage of ten years, leaving our three small children (7, 4 and 2 years old) to go live the young, wild years she somehow thought she missed out on. I was so depressed and devastated. The future looked so black. I shamefully admit I tried to woo her back, acting the fool for about a month or more... pleading, reasoning, guilt tripping ("What about the kids? How can you do this to them?"). I would fall asleep and wake up less than an hour later and begin to confront the horror of my circumstances all over again. On one of those sleepless nights I just had to talk to someone. I remembered a friend I hadn't seen in months, one who knew both of us, but knew me best (she didn't like my bitch wife, as it turns out). It was 2 am and she was the only person I thought might answer the phone since she worked nights. That phone call began a change in me.... I called Juanita thinking she would be sympathetic and grieve with me. But that was not her reaction at all! As soon as i got done explaining what had happened, Juanita exclaimed, "Oh my God, this is fantastic!" What? This is fantastic? And Juanita began to tell me why she thought this was going to end up being the best things that ever happened to me... "You have no idea how many of our friends think she was a bitch anyway and treated you like shit. And you loved a bitch, but why? We couldn't figure it out. And so many of my girlfriends have said how hot you are! And do you have any idea how sexy a good looking and great father comes across to women our age. Your going to get laid way more now than before! (note: she was 100% correct). What did you lose? A bitch who didn't love you anyway. And she did you the favor of leaving?! Oh my God, you are the luckiest ex husband in the history of mankind! Now you got the house and the kids. You need to change the locks as fast as you can and file for custody... like yesterday! And let me tell you something... the minute she realizes that you have realized she ain't worth a crap and moved on, she is going to be begging to have you back. But don't you dare let her come back, you hear me? I will lose all respect for you if you take her back... and so will she! Hell, she doesn't respect you now, but she's going to once you realize how much better your life is without her." Her enthusiasm was genuine, I could tell. That conversation made a light come on in all that blackness called "the future". And from that night on, it grew brighter and brighter. I expected her to be a shoulder to cry on... but instead she acted like I just won the lottery! It shocked me to my senses. And every single thing Juanita told me turned out to be prophetic. I was begging and pleading for my horrible wife to come back home and she was running faster and further away. But the next morning I had the locks changed and bought an answering machine. I cut off ALL contact, COMPLETELY and hired an attorney. After just a week of no word from me, my wife started calling... and calling, and calling. As soon as I would hear it was her voice on the message, DELETE! And when she got served papers and the reality of my "I don't give a shit" attitude dawned on her, she was the one who became desperate. She really did start begging to work on the marriage. But I was having way too much fun by that time. So this video of not being able to let go just rings hollow to me. That woman is the mother of my kids... and she crosses my mind like almost never. I don't even waist a second contemplating her at all anymore. In fact... I don't even remember when her birthday is! It's in October sometime... LOL! She might as well be an unknown stranger living in Asia for all I care.

[@rougebaba3887]

Now a shorter reply... you are so right! Moving on as fast as possible might actually make your estranged wife reconsider her choices... but trying to hold on will repulse her, guaranteed. Trying to hold on will have the exact opposite effect. So why even try. It's hard, but if a guy can just accept what i am saying, he will be way better off than he can possibly fathom.

[@Johnwick-07]

I’m sharing my story to benefit other men right now in these difficult times. This story will sound a bit shocking but I believe that society can change woman’s principles / values. I dated my high school sweetheart for about 8 years before I married her. She was 23 and I was 25 when we got married. I gave her 17 years of love and loyalty. We were married in the Catholic Church, and then continued our faith within the Christian Church standards. Our church is more traditional, in the sense that they encourage women to have traditional values and honor the sacred commitment of marriage. I was the sole provider for her and my 3 children for 15 years. I recently had about 6 months of health issues which weakened me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I noticed that this affected my marriage considerably. As she was turning 40 I had noticed some mental shifts in her attitude towards supporting me while I was sick. Of course I was still working as I was struggling with these health issues! All I needed was her love and support during this time. When I communicate my disappointment with the support I was receiving I was given confusing messages verbally and physically. Instead of working on our relationship she did one of the most disrespectful acts a man could suffer. She left with our children! My confusion continued as there was no physical abuse or yelling in our conversation. I have always done my best to respect my wife! There was never been any physical or verbal abuse. I am still able to see my children now because she agrees that I am a good father and the children need me to be in their lives. She didn’t really give me a good reason for leaving and she refuses to talk regarding the matter or seek professional help. The only reason she gave me regarding her decision was very vague. She said that I was controlling and I was repeating a dysfunctional pattern in our relationship. This maybe true and I have looked deep within myself to do better with my communication but I mostly think this is gaslighting on her part. She also said that she feels like we’ve grown apart and that she’s not in love with me anymore. Nevertheless, I am continuing to improve myself either way, with or without her. I have made a commitment to God in the promise of marriage and I am doing everything to honor that promise. There has never been any abuse or infidelity on my part in my marriage, and I am willing to work out any miscommunication with professional help. I am seeing a therapist right now to continue to work on my mental and emotional health. Due to her lack of factual information or any desire to fix anything in the marriage; I am only left with the conclusion that she was affected by this mind virus that is overcoming women’s values in the modern day. Sadly, there are many women that do not take enough accountability for their actions and have the wrong attitude toward life. I share this to support any men that are going through a difficult time. Stay strong and keep fighting for what’s important! I am currently able to see my children because I am fighting for what’s important. If you have suffered the loss of respect from the woman that you love just know that you are more than some woman that has changed her mind based off of emotions. Continue to seek a relationship with God and stand strong in your values. He will provide you with the strength to continue. Don’t give away your power or compromise your beliefs. Remember who you are.

[@John_Wood_]

That's a tough read but familiar to many men. Yes, she has bought in to the "you can do better" movement. Sadly, they put themselves before their husband and children. Keep the chin up.

[@KB82424]

Dam I’m going through the same thing now it’s hurts sonbabd

[@marse7092]

Sorry to hear. Basically many women are survivalists. Sounds like when you were sick, she was turned off. Hopefully you are at a better place now.

[@neihomai8]

"I am still able to see my children now because she agrees that I am a good father and the children need me to be in their lives." that alone makes A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE..... i don't even have that. why can it be so unjust and evil...

[@chaunceyrash5067]

I read or heard a quote somewhere along the lines of the reason you can’t let go even when the pain is all encompassing is that it’s the only connection you have remaining to them. 20yrs and she left. Not a perfect marriage but not a disaster. The hardest part is losing my best friend.

[@emmanueldelacruz5092]

You’re so smart, I wish I could afford you as a therapist… I’m going through a devastating divorce… I can’t get over my ex, and she has gotten over me already

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Emmanuel, thanks for watching. I’m glad these videos are helping a little. I know coaching might be financially out of reach right now, but if you’d like more support send me an email at [e-mail] I can share a 30 day protocol with you that will help with the emotions you’re experiencing, and if you’re really serious about coaching I do offer a scholarship option as well.

[@MyHegarty]

entering my 8th month of divorce after 22 years... A broken man in many ways I want to thank you for this video. Its my daily mental exercise so thank you

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi David, I'm so glad this video was helpful. And I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this. 22 years... that's a lot to process. If you'd like some more tools or some direct support in applying this one, please join me on Wednesday (12.14.2022). I'm hosting a free, live training call that is going to take a deep dive into the step by step processes I use with my clients, followed by a Q & A session. It's called "Take Back Control of Your Future After Divorce". You can sign up here: rcsloan87.clickfunnels.com/webinar-registrationcxmo090 You might find some of the tools helpful, and it will also give me a chance to answer your questions directly if you'd like.

[@MyHegarty]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach registered :-) Thank you.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

@@MyHegarty You're welcome! I look forward to seeing you there.

[@chadpfeiffer5627]

Hey Rachael, I just wanted to say Hi! I know I have told you in the past, how helpful your videos are to me and so many other people in similar situations. The way you articulate the concepts and strategies resonates so well, which is evident in the comments! I wanted to let you know I am still doing ok, still working on my thoughts and new identities. I wouldn't be where I am at if it wasn't for your coaching and all the help! I have a long way to go and am just enjoying the process, one breath at a time.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Chad! It's great to hear from you here on YT :) I'm glad to hear that you're doing well. It is a process, and honestly, a lifelong process. That's been my big lesson this year. This kind of work isn't about arriving at a destination, it's about engaging actively in the process of self discovery and self creation so that we can live the fullest human experience possible in our time here. It was a privilege to join you for a small section of your journey. Thank you for saying hi! How would you describe one of the new identities that you're stepping into now? Yours may be inspiring to other folks here!

[@chadpfeiffer5627]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thanks for the reply, Rachael! The privilege was all mine. I am still in the self-discovery stage as well as healing so I am still learning which roles and identities I am stepping into. The journey and process are very slow, just taking it day by day. Your videos are so helpful, looking forward to the next one!

[@ijordo]

Your video quality went straight HD here. Audio quality great as well! Popup ups of key points was a nice added touch. When you make videos like these, thats when i know you have worked with alot of men going through this. You really understand where guys are at in these situations. I've been choosing a new identity and its so freeing to do that. well worth the effort.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Thanks for noticing the upgrade! I have more upgrades in the pipeline :) I love to hear that you're enjoying the process of choosing your identity. It's a wild thing to realize that we can choose anything at all and simply by choosing it and committing to it we can bring it into being in the world.

[@christophercourter6201]

So, how am I supposed to feel when I am aware she had mental issues that SERIOUSLY affected her perception of reality. She literally told me I said things I didn’t. Acted scared of someone who would have loved her forever. I hurt for her. I hurt for me. We were supposed to always work together and work through anything. She NEVER told me anything was wrong or that she needed change. I was tricked. I was lied to. She moved out without word or warning and then made false accusations against me! It’s destroying my life.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Christopher, I so sorry that you're living through this right now. I don't think there is an answer to how you're supposed to feel... I do imagine that there are a LOT of things you are feeling. What I can tell you is that it is possible to survive what you are feeling without being destroyed by it. I wish there were a way to make the hurt simply stop, but unfortunately life doesn't seem to work that way. I can help you understand pain, deal with it and heal from everything that's been done to you so you can move forward with your life. I know those things are possible. If you'd like to do them together, we can. Here's the details around how: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce You're also welcome to email me with any questions, or respond here. My email is [e-mail]

[@mettme4921]

Hi Chris, do you perhas have an email for us to talk. I am in a smilar situation as yourself

[@dono881]

Great video Rachael, my wife cheated on me after 13 years. I thought we were ok. Never gave me a chance to fix the problems she mentioned. Have 12 year old boy. I am 67 years old, was 55 when son was born. I want to find another wife but know my life is getting shorter. Been so hard on me, but i will think of what you say and try to stay in the moment. Its true i think of future and past and need more tome with here and now. Be strong men, because this is a life event testing you, and not the end.

[@vladpierre2694]

My nervous system calmed down. It worked. My gut stopped wrenching.

[@KeiPyn24]

I lay my anxieties down at the foot of The Cross. I don't completely understand why she sued for divorce, I accept it and have made some stride in letting go. It's been a year and things have gotten better with prayer and purpose. Like Judas's betrayal, Christ knew he would betray him. But, Judas made a choice. Having been first widowed, then remarried, her decision for divorce was painful. Although secular in form, I appreciate your desire to help men work through the absolute misery of losing a marriage, kids, love, and the memory of what was for all reasons a healthy marriage. People make choices, I'm slowly building my life back. Thank you for your help and addressing these issues. I've been to two therapists who did not cover what you do. I thank God for His help and support through this very difficult time in my life. It is a cross that I have been given to bare. I will move on and I will find peace. Thank you.

[@markcollins1012]

I appreciate your videos and your perspective. It has been hard for me because we still have to co-parent, so I don't have much space from her. We have 4 kids together, so she will never fully go away. I'm left with a lot of emptiness. I know we didn't have the healthiest relationship, but from ages 23-44 she was my world. I find it hard to find a new identity, to rebuild. I'm old (ish) now, and she took my youth, two decades worth.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Mark, thanks for watching and for sharing some of your story. It is certainly more complicated when you share children. Do you have some support in processing what you feel? The emptiness can be a symptom of the shock your nervous system has gone through. There are some things we can do to help you process that in a way that lets the nervous system recover. I find that is often a necessary first step that makes rebuilding possible. If you'd like my support in that process, you can download the Better Beyond Divorce app. It's free to get started, and you'll get a variety of tools and perspectives that will help, plus options to get additional support and coaching from me. You can get the app here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-free-app Thank you for watching and commenting. I'm glad the videos have resonated for you.

[@SingleDadSurvival]

It can be tough as hell being a single dad... I talk about my own struggles/dealing with child support on my channel if you think it may help you...just to share stories. Keep your head up and fight. 🤝

[@eliwengerd6453]

This video was so encouraging! I didn’t realize how many identities I had attached to myself. This video helped me to detach from them and simply use love and light as my identity then ask myself, how would love show up as a father or as a partner etc. I feel like this will be a powerful tool that I can use in the future as I explore new relationships, new roles and new adventures! Thank you Rachael!

[@theguynextdoor4978]

I got out a marriage with a female narcissist. It's been a devastating process. But it will get better. Dating is not the same anymore. I talked to one girl after my divorce, but she always kept postponing our meeting and said we needed to wait. One day she ghosted me without a word. It was actually HER who wanted to meet me, but postponed every time I suggested a way to meet during covid. Later she told me that she understood that she deserves way more than I can give her, and that she need someone richer, taller and sexier after discussing with her female friends.

[@fireblade8905]

My ex wife was influenced by her single mum friends to sleep around and leave me.

[@ashleytreeservices3107]

Misery loves misery! Get some red pill you will survive! And be smarter next time. Take care.

[@lampwizard4871]

Take accountability but forgive yourself bro. Love yourself and forgive. Hope you are well bro

[@georgeelder8415]

You were triangulated...

[@fireblade8905]

@@georgeelder8415 meaning?

[@georgeelder8415]

@@fireblade8905 Psychological term. Feel free to look it up...

[@BrandonsCommentary]

I’ve been listening to a lot of things online to get through the pain, but yours makes a lot of sense. You’re really good at expressing the ideas, and your delivery is very comforting.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Thank you, I'm really glad the videos have been helpful. If you haven't seen my free masterclass, you should check it out. It goes a bit deeper than I can in these KZbin videos, and it has some good tools that you might find useful. You can find it here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register

[@vladpierre2694]

It’s so true. It’s how you think you could feel you succeeded together that you sometimes hold in to.

[@254zero]

No one deserves to be betrayed and heartbroken

[@4ND1Y3P35]

I made mistakes and did no behave accordingly many times, but in a marriage we are two. All the blame was put on me and all the excuses and motifs to file for divorce. She mocked me, and humiliated me many times after her decision. I did everything I could, I asked for help, I asked her to go to counselling, therapy. She only agreed so I would sign the papers and after two sessions she stopped trying. She mocked me by talking to a high school "friend" at the time of the separation and saying is just a friend. She took everything from me, 16 years and 3 kids. She took my chance to see my kids everyday, she does not even spend time with them but expedite them to her parents so she can "rest". It is heartbreaking, somebody you thought you knew can turn against you in a matter of seconds. Is here where we get to see the real person behind it all. it has been 7 months and it still hurts. I moved to this country because of her and for her, she did not even think that I am alone and have no family here and that at any given moment I will simply leave (because I do not know if I will resist) and our kids will have to suffer her consequences.

[@John_Wood_]

Same here. She didn't want to be a wife or mother, just liked the idea of it. Relies heavily on her parents for everything. Puts herself before the children and family. Stay strong.

[@neihomai8]

hi there. can you update us on how you are doing nowadays, especially with how often you see your kids, how you are coping with that? thank you very much for your reply...

[@millermc74]

I moved to Oregon to be around my ex's family, I am now pretty much alone up here and she moved on with another guy immediately after divorce. I did nothing but try to make everyone happy and she never appreciated anything I did. I started trying to redirect my negative into other activities and am still having a hard time when I am alone without the kids. Hang in there.

[@NormallikePeter]

So helpful. Walk away wife is a shocking experience. 25 years and poof... No identity. So intense.

[@sw5713]

The comments make me think they are fresh into this new identity and still want to talk about what the ex did. Been there, only time heals those feelings. Took me 2 years of staring at a blank wall knowing i was the towns dinner table discussions and then walking amongst them during the day knowing they see me differently now. After 3 years it clicked. now, 4 years later, i am not the same person, i am a new identity, and i accept it. All the old friends dont call anymore because they knew me as a couple. But that fine with me. It helps once you look back and understand your better off. But only time did that for me. Until then, it sucks. Please guys, listen to her words carefully. She nails this.

[@bassman6692]

My wife left me after seven years of marriage 3 days ago and says she wants a divorce. She was emotionally abusive. It changed who I was. So much confusion due to gaslighting, blame shifting, fake apologies and forget about being vulnerable. I had anxiety that I never had before, started to doubt all my beliefs and values, felt like I was castrated and not enough although I put her before everything. I just realized that I am very codependent and an enabler. She said I was emotionally abusive and a narcissist. I asked her what narcissistic behavior was I showing? She couldn’t tell me. She just wanted to put a label on me. It’s so hurtful. Our last conversation before she ghosted me, moved out and said she wanted a divorce was her telling me all the good qualities I had and saying she doesn’t know why she treats me the way she does. With all this my mind tells me that I still want her but then the anger of how I’ve been treated kicks in. At this point in the very recent developments only prayer and anger stops the feeling that I want to throw up. My brain is jacked up.

[@amymckenzie9500]

I just came across your video. I’m trying to understand my fiancé and why he can’t move on. He started drinking because of the pain of negative things said to him and the way she treated him. Very helpful to me. 17:22

[@Ron20042004]

Wow. Been four years and this helped. I still have days. It’s an identity crisis. I don’t know who I am. This really helped.

[@bbb8182]

I recently learned (from Rachel) that my ex felt unseen, not understood and unprotected emotionally and eventually concluded she had made a mistake with choosing me. Unfortunately, women only hint at this problem with low key complaints and if you mess up they will destroy the family to get rid of you.

[@debbiehooben5060]

I watched this video because my husband of 32 years can't let go of his anger over his 25 year first marriage. This video has given me some insight to his pain. Thank you.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

You're welcome. Thank you for watching. Your husband is lucky to have a wife who is trying so hard to understand his pain and support him. Have you two considered couples counseling at all? An EFT therapist can help you both work through your feelings about this and connect more deeply with one another in the process. You can find them here: iceeft.com

[@chadcowie7715]

Great video. Really hard to find coaches or therapists who get divorce for men, well for me. Thanks for this video, it’s unfortunate that when we need it most, often times help is out of reach due to finances or whatever Your video is helpful thank you

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Chad, I'm really glad this video is helpful. I realize that coaching might be out of reach (financially or otherwise, divorce is so messy). This link goes to an application for coaching, but at the top there is a longer video that details the process I use to help my clients. Even if you don't work with me, that deeper understanding of the process may help you begin implementing some tools and changes that will help you move through this on your own. rcsloan87.clickfunnels.com/application-page1661304835892 Thanks for watching, and stick with it. I've found the desire to heal and the commitment to understanding oneself are the only two ingredients necessary to move forward. You can do this.

[@WillDominguez-g9k]

10:29, my wife of 22 years asked me for a divorce February 2023, 4 days before my birthday. She started a relationship with a man who was the son of a neighbor of ours before she blindsided me. I must admit that things haven't been great since our sons left for college 5 and 7 years prior. Our divorce was fast tracked and finalized by September of 2023. It's now October of 2024, and I'm still stuck and can't seem to let go. The anger is all gone, and all I have left is sadness. My older son is getting married April 2025 and I'm actually going to have to share the same space with her and her new significant other. I'm not going to miss out on milestones because of her but this will not be easy on me. I now really have an understanding of how it's my identity as a father and husband is what I'm still mourning but I don't know how to let go or even if I can. I do miss her friendship and having her opinion on everyday life things. At the end of the day, I'm just lonely

[@theprtillierypodcast]

10 year relationship, wife left me for her boss that apparently was in the background the whole time we were married. Post divorce she moved right over to him while i stayed single for two years. Sad part about it is that all i wanted was for her to be honest after it was all said and done, yet she still denied it even when i had 100% proof. Its ok, lesson learned, reminder that all I have is myself at the end of the day, and its her loss ultimately. I hold my head high knowing i was a good man and tried my best, while she chose someone who had no problem with trying to tempt her while she was a married woman. Best of luck to em, they deserve each other. I never had a backup to move to after the loss, and faced the storm alone. She chose to replace me with someone she had someone waiting in the background the whole time, never willing to face her flaws.

[@Wild1KY]

BINGO!!! 🎯 💯 On the money 💴 This is Exactly my story! 15 years & was there for her & medical issues & much else! I mean we said till death due us part. When u have a mind like I got, One doesn’t deal well with dishonesty & Infidelity 😤 (Post 2 years & not a day goes by without her on my mind in one shape or form) what’s the deal?

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

It sounds like you faced the storm and came through it a stronger, healthier person and clear on who you are. She may have avoided that difficult inner work by jumping into a new relationship. How are you doing now? Do you feel like you've been able to move on in the ways you wanted to?

[@theprtillierypodcast]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I’m doing well, I just dont place much stock in relationships and love anymore. Ironically thats worked to my benefit as the more focused on myself I become, the less I care about such things. Time may heal all wounds, but sometimes they leave scars when they heal

[@joshwithers830]

Thank you Rachel you brought me a little peace to my day. As always great information!

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

You're welcome Josh! Thank you for watching. It's amazing where we can go and who we can become if we allow ourselves to do it.

[@aaronbauer4039]

This is a great video... I have been having a difficult time letting go of the old relationship I knew it wasn't her, but couldn't figure out what "it" was. Very helpful...

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I’m really glad this video was helpful. Are you looking for any more personalized support in letting go or do you feel like you have a handle on it now?

[@aaronbauer4039]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I'm going to watch more of your videos and see where that gets me. I've been separated a year and ahf now and most of the hard emotional stuff is behind, but still have more work to do to grieve the old relationship. Give me a bit of time, but think I will be booking some sessions with you to help me move forward.

[@ericestes2929]

Thank you. Ive been searching for this video for over a year. 13 years of marriage, and a 10 year old daughter. She asked my permission to seek other men. I immediately got a laywer and filed. Have been in turmoil so long, ive forgotten my identities.

[@millermc74]

My job for the last 12 year was trying to keep the family together and make everyone as happy as possible. We had a daughter that was diagnosed with autism at the age of 2 (she is now 12). I did my best to be always be the positive one while my ex was depressed and seemed to take everything out on me. I put us in the best position I could with a beautiful house and all the support we could get for our daughter. The negativity for 4 years was finally to much and after my mom died I decided I needed to be happy again and threatened her with divorce. I moved out so we wouldn't fight in front of the kids and she surprised me and filed for divorce. I have been mourning the loss of the family unit and my identity for 7 months and it has been extremely difficult. Even more so because she moved on really quick with a new boyfriend immediately after the divorce, I discovered she was talking with this guy for a couple of years prior to our divorce and felt anger and betrayal even after being divorced 7 months. I appreciate the help because the anger has been hard to let go.

[@meganpearson2643]

I’m female, but struggling almost 3 years now. Thanks so much ❤️

[@Msterri4u]

Never thought the divorce I initiated would affect me 14 years later. 😱and ex husband moved on 10 years ago.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

You're welcome, thank you for watching! If you are looking for more direct support, please google Christina Cuevas' podcast, Her Heart Heals. She also does individual coaching for women and is amazing!

[@emac1804]

I very rarely come across truly helpful objective, science-based information, and this is one of those times. Thank you for the nuggets of wisdom .

[@arniep740]

Thank you for another very insightful video. You have a calming manner of explaining difficult situations and how to deal with them.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Arnie, I'm glad you found this one helpful. Thanks for watching!

[@mystoryanimatedprizes]

Hello sorry to ask but did you just get a divorce

[@Peter-mo3pr]

This is the first video I can totally relate to. My wife has left me after 14 years and am 11 year marriage and seemingly over night has changed personality. I was with her since she was 18 and I feel like now she's living the youth she never had. We have three amazing kids and I'm devastated, I know I have to let go and cannot get her back, but its so tough.

[@Emptytopfloor]

It’s probably the age difference

[@nicholasmatthew9687]

The hardest part to give up is the fact that we built a family and lifestyle together. I chose that for life and I don’t know how to willingly let that go completely despite knowing that my ex wife gives me little reason to find value in her or a relationship with her.it’s definitely brought me to the brink, if I wasn’t a father I’m not sure I’d be here. At the same time though I wouldn’t have subjected myself to anything from her if we didn’t have children, but this is where I’m at regardless I suppose.

[@millermc74]

I feel you. I know she was terrible to me but it is still hard to let go of the family unit I was responsible for the last 12 years. I am doing my best but it is really hard when I am by myself.

[@mattr2371]

We were high-school sweethearts. Im only 32, and we have been together 15 years. I had a rough home life, and was kicked out shortly before my 17th birthday. Her parents loved me, and they took me in so I could finish school. We got married in 2021, and im 3 weeks into this... no affair, no nothing. Its the most civil divorce, and even through all of it she has been so kind to me... which in a way makes it so much more painful. She knows I have nowhere else to go, no family. All she asked was that I resolve a small amount of debt she has from home renovation, and enough for rent/deposit for her to get her own place.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. When divorce happens on top of a hard childhood, it can be especially painful. You mentioned that you don't have family to lean on, but you have a therapist or other support? I'd like to invite you to join the free workshop I'm hosting this week. It is a deeper dive into dealing with difficult thoughts and emotions during divorce. I think you'll find it helpful, and it will also give you access to a community of other men as a support system. You can register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/free-workshop

[@mattr2371]

​@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach No therapist yet, sounds strange but I know so little about myself I thought it would be helpful to figure some of this out on my own first. I will definitely sign up for that. Thank you for the reply and the invitation.

[@CheebsCheeby]

Worst pain I've ever felt. In a long life of painful events.

[@srwgraham]

Thank you Rachel. I have been going through a tough time, trying to make sense of things after my marriage ended. It has been so confusing. Sad, despondent, angry, hopeless. Your talk opened my eyes and helped me understand my situation a lot better.

[@GregoryBoyce-w3i]

It hurts like hell I let go of my ex 20 no seven years of marriage I can’t believe it. It hurt. It really hurts. What happen with the Mountain top musician I always admire we had a talk about it. He got me back into music.

[@garykuechenberg5054]

I been married over 30 years. I don't want to divorce my wife, but, she has started the paperwork, and once she decides something she will not change her mind. I am devastated. A part of me is dead. It's like a bad dream that I can't ever wake up from. 😢

[@LightofAidan]

I'm not holding on to an identity. I am holding onto what I signed up for a vowed till death do us part. To have a secure family for my children who now don't have that secure family. I adopted my ex wife's child and I consider her my own even now. But to have a split family is not what I signed up for. I made mistakes and have made amends but nothing has really made the difference. So what now. I let go? I move on with my life alone?

[@rowles13]

I’m in the same situation

[@Emptytopfloor]

What mistake?

[@NicChristie]

The last five minutes were amazing. Thank you

[@ericenvironmentalist9429]

You are extremely insightful and articulate about this topic. You’ve obviously had some deep experiences in life. Very well done!

[@LibertyLakeWildlife]

Your explanation of identity is transforming. Thank you!

[@wowliemwowneck9013]

As I listen to this is becomes clearer how I was painted as roles I did not do well advantageously, and how roles I did well were marginalized. Which objectively highlights abuse, IMO. And I felt more meaning in my role as a father and a husband than anything I had done before. And that made me feel necessary in ways I had never felt before. Thinking "I'm meant for this" complicates the realities of perceived failure. Taking on the role of fatherhood for the first time was challenging during covid, and feeling it being ripped away after all that has been excruciating. And with young kids, parsing the love for their mom that bore them and the love for them as individuals, is confusing. It comes from the same space and place. Feeling the love for them without feeling the love for their mom seems impossible. It weighs heavy.

[@jovancelebic7966]

Hi Rachel brilliant very helpful thank you... you said absolutely everything... so well analysed.... one's she left...leave her go... for us man time for new life...new relationships....new chapters in life. Thank you Rachel

[@maggiemereko8694]

I'm divorced by my husband of 27 years.he married me when I was 27years old. After doubling that age being 54 years old..boom he took a decision of divorcing me. For me that divorce was like burying my husband alive. I was hospitalised because of the stress anxiety and depression. But through God's grace I'm alive. And I wish him well in his new endeavours...I let Go and let God do the rest..God is able..All the time🙏🙏😍

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Maggie, I'm so sorry that you went through all of this, but I am so glad to hear that you made it through and have found strength in your faith. Thank you for being here and watching. Many of my videos are geared towards men who are experiencing unwanted divorce, but many women are experiencing the same thing. I hope they offer some help or support for you during this challenging transistion.

[@maggiemereko8694]

Hi thanks for the encouraging words..I really appreciate tnem🙏🙏

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

@@maggiemereko8694offer it up to God. Or whatever you believe in and feel the love and good energy

[@bmelvin1234]

Well, I wasn’t married, it took me four years to forget about a woman after a toxic relationship. It got to the point where I wasn’t mad at her I was mad at myself for not being able to drop it and move on.

[@EXGRACELIFER71]

Thank you Rachel… Your words are always so helpful !!

[@test90020]

You’re welcome Ian! I’m glad these videos are helping. Thanks for watching!

[@bicbouy4126]

My best friend, my lover, my partner and mother of our children now has only hate for me. Since she has found another partner her hate has only increased. I see the effort she puts into trying to hurt me and and destroy my life and I only wish she had put 10% of that same effort into saving our 24 year old relationship together. When all you know and have ever known and put your whole heart and soul into your whole life just dissipates before your eyes it’s heart wrenching and I pain like I’ve never felt before. It’s hard to let go when there’s a memory everywhere I turn 😢😢😢

[@penntuckian]

Married for 12 years.. It's been just over 4 years since my divorce and it's still hard. She left me for another women and it made me angry and felt like a failure. We have a teenage son. I still love and miss her. It's still hard for me. I just can't get over it. I've done online dating with no luck. Depression and loneliness has been killing me. I feel like it's a bad dream and I wanna wake up.

[@jasonnielsen2125]

My wife just left our 29 year marriage and 3 adult children 3 months ago for another man and has moved in with him as well. It has destroyed the rest of the family and she wants to fast track the divorce. We are devastated, struggling to cope while my wife is acting as if we never existed.

[@reyeshernandez5720]

It's hard to let go ,because you really loved your spouse,and didn't see a divorce as an option!!@

[@garyrydel5143]

Your videos are very comforting & validating. Thank you!

[@everett8610]

Thank you I was crying when you started sorting between my soon to be ex wife and identity. Thank you very very much that has been worth the hours of looking online today... I don't agree that protector is a fairy tale though. My eyes I believe and a woman with a man is much more safe than not, just kindly saying :)

[@KeithBruce-n3n]

You nailed it in this video, on top of that my x tried to destroy me while I was most vulnerable

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I'm so sorry to hear that. How are you doing? Do you have a good support system?

[@bennyrod6478]

Married for 18 years i am 39 years old at the moment. My wife had some issues through out the years . Recently she’s been more and more of saying she is unhappy in the marriage. Then this week she told she could not do this anymore and wants a divorce. I am in awe of this . But her statement of being unhappy is hard hitting , she’s made up her mind . Theirs no chance for us to fix this in her eyes . I am seriously lost and I feel like my world is broken

[@leehughes7747]

You're far from alone.. very common unfortunately

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

Everyone needs to be grateful. Men AND woman. Be grateful for the people in your life and understand that while life is not perfect, and there will be hard times, it is beautiful and there is so much to appreciate and love. When you forget this in the day to day it can destroy things. But you can also always rebuild

[@ashleytreeservices3107]

Maybe you need to do the work. Get fit, make money and be best version of yourself. Get book Unplugged Alpha- Richard Cooper. He’s got great channel.. red pill for you my man. Only way!

[@YourLocal_Reyes]

This is my second video watching from you. So far I Love what I see.

[@charlieskinner6980]

INCREDIBLY helpful video. Awesome info, perspective and super soothing voice!

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for watching.

[@SuperCandyjunkie]

I clicked on this video hoping it would give me some understanding. My husband of 26 years left me and for the first few months he was angry and wouldn't talk much to me or the boys but as time passed he has started coming over all the time, texting and contacting me daily, which he never did when he lived with us. Concerned if I make it somewhere safely and I don't understand. He is the one that left but now I am so confused because he is treating me better than he did when he lived with us. Spending more time with the boys. I never wanted the separation and didn't know how I was going to move on after all the plans we made. But now I don't know what to do. Is this normal?

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Thank you for watching and for sharing some of your experience. I would recommend talking to him about it. What is he thinking and feeling now? What is different from before? What is it that he is trying to show you with his actions? Most marriages that end in divorce get there because the deeper communication is lacking. We talk about the surface level events without ever figuring out exactly why or how those events came to be. What's going on internally? For you and for him? I would strongly advise you against trying to guess or interpret his actions, and use this as an opportunity to deepen communication and understanding between you instead. If he's open to it, you could suggest going to work with an Emotionally Focused Therapist (members.iceeft.com/therapist-search/find-an-eft-therapist.php) who can help the two of you unpack what happened, how you both were and are feeling and what moving forward might look like for you.

[@jakeday3647]

Been married 6 years two kids and 4 days before Christmas she wanted a divorce and it’s so hard to deal with we have met in the middle with everything our kids and assets we have agreed on everything but I still don’t want this and having to deal with so much emotions and it’s been the worst 3 months of my life and been a real struggle. And I feel like I already had fallen in love and I don’t want anyone else but how do I move forward in life?

[@chrismeyerlawfirm]

Great video! You will never know how much you helped me

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Thank you for watching and for joining the channel, Chris. I'm really glad this video helped. I hope you're finding yourself in a better, happier place now a couple of months out.

[@jeaf7]

24 years... after all the stuff we've been through. 10 years of fertility problems, she had cancer and I died from blood clots in my heart. And now it's over!

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

As horribly tragic as this is... all of those things can contribute to the marriage ending. You're describing three very traumatic events. Trauma, when it isn't healed and processed, impacts us in many complex ways, but most of all it impacts our relationships by causing us to shut down, lash out or withdraw. If it isn't healed directly, it gets worse over time and can break our relationships down. I'm so sorry that you and she went through all of this, and that you're now going through the divorce. Do you have a support system helping you, or a good trauma focused therapist helping you unpack the past?

[@snazza203]

This was a big help, thank you. I think I've had a breakthrough.

[@dailyyogaattemptstartingfr8666]

Wow, such a good way to understand what and why I'm feeling what I do.

[@jonathanmartin8513]

You hit the nail on the head with this video

[@naveedrehman2987]

After she left me.. the first time in my life I have learned to love myself the HARD way.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

That's wonderful. May I ask - what is it that helped you get there? Did you work with anyone, or find another source of inspiration? Or was a very private and personal journey?

[@georgemeyer8521]

I appreciate what you do and I think it's great that you are helping people but, in this 20 minutes I got nothing out of it. I don't care how many microphones I look at, I don't care if she wants me back or not, I don't care that I forgave her, I don't care if we ever get back together or not, I wouldn't know her now anyway, you either grow together or you grow apart. I still love her, unconditionally (true love without expecting any input or involvement on her part). The fact still remains, I could never trust her again, even though she lied to me in church on our wedding day. .... "Never trust a friend who has betrayed you, if they betrayed you once, they will betray you again". I have moved on. I have lived in 3 different places and now even a different state. I have remarried, she has remarried, I don't see her anymore, and all this is me, I know, I am the core, like you said. BUT the FACTS still remain, it IS reality, it did happen, she did HURT me. I can't change that and I will never forget it (even if I wanted to ... and I do). She threw away 23 years. I will never forget it. I am hyperthymia and I remember the exact words she said the night she kicked me out. She said "and you know what, there anit nothing you can do about it" These words burn in my memory and I don't want revenge, what good would that do? IT JUST HURTS, after 35 years IT STILL HURTS ! ! ! ... I think it will always hurt and I will never outlive it. Thanks

[@georgemeyer8521]

It's been 35 years and it still HURTS ! ! !

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Thank you for watching and for sharing some of your story. You're right that it did happen. She did hurt you. However, the intensity with which you write about this and the capital letters suggest to me that it HURTS at a greater intensity than it has too... which suggests that there is something happening inside of you that you haven't fully explored and healed. I'm not sure what it is from your comment, but I do know this - if an emotion is that strong after that much time, there is a message there. Something you need to know and work through. It might be about your self image, or your needs or something else entirely. Emotions are like any other physical sensations - they are there to tell us about what we need, what we want or what we are missing in our lives. If you keep remembering and reliving this, there is a reason. You don't have to explore it, but if you wanted to I think you would find that there is a path forward that doesn't require you to hurt at quite the same level.