5 Ways To Lose The Victim Mindset - 5 Ways to Recognize It

In this video I’ll be talking about I will be talking about how to get out of the victim mindset. I’m going to give you 5 ways to recognize whether you have this mindset and 5 solutions to break out of the victim mindset.
Setbacks, disappointments and hurts are part of the uncertainty of life. How you respond to these setbacks determines how satisfied you will be with your life. You can’t control your circumstances, but you can control your response to them.
How do you know if you’re wallowing in victimization? Here are 5 ways to recognize it.
1. Most things have a negative tone to them.
2. You ask yourself “why” a lot.
3. You mull over things - a lot (this is called ruminating).
4. You don’t think very highly of yourself. You are your own worst critic.
5. Your first emotion is anger and you are often resentful of other people’s gains.
Here are 5 solutions to break out of this way of thinking.
1. Build your confidence by creating small achievable goals.
2. Turn your attention to giving to others. This helps you overcome neediness.
3. Make a gratitude list. When you are in victim mode, you focus more on what you don’t have.
4. Get closure on your past hurts.
5. Take ownership of your decisions. No one can make you feel a certain way without you allowing it.
WANT TO START IN THERAPY? Here’s a convenient and affordable option
Betterhelp.com/drmarks
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You have access to webinars on various topics. The unlimited texting feature allows you to type out your concerns or questions and get a well thought out response from your therapist. Some of them will help you set goals, give you worksheets, etc. If you use this link you will get a 10% discount on your first month. betterhelp.com/drmarks This is an option I've researched. I get a referral commission if you sign up.
Want to know more about mental health and self-improvement? On this channel I discuss topics such as bipolar disorder, major depression, anxiety disorders, attention deficit disorder (ADHD), relationships and personal development/self-improvement. I upload weekly. If you don’t want to miss a video, click here to subscribe. goo.gl/DFfT33
Disclaimer: All of the information on this channel is for educational purposes and not intended to be specific/personal medical advice from me to you. Watching the videos or getting answers to comments/question, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. If you have your own doctor, perhaps these videos can help prepare you for your discussion with your doctor.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

LISTEN WITHOUT THE MUSIC There are now two audio tracks. Go to the settings wheel on the right-hand side of the video player and choose the English (United States) track. WATCH NEXT - HOW NOT TO BE AN EMOTIONAL SPONGE kzbin.info/www/bejne/qnbdoZyDaNWJa80

[@missd5878]

Notes: 1. Everything seems to be negative. 2. You ask yourself why a lot. 3. You mull over things a lot. 4. You don't think highly of yourself. 5. You always resolve in anger. Overcome: 1. Create small goals ("good things happen to me) 2. Giving others ("show love for others") 3. Make a gratitude list. 4. Get over past mistakes. Put it behind you. 5. Take ownership of yourself.

[@suzen1641]

hey thanks

[@ryanspencerlauderdale687]

You’re the real MVP.

[@paulet990]

Dang, I want to copy and paste this list, but can't find a way to copy it.

[@johnnyjone8552]

Hello how are you? I'm Johnny from California how about you?

[@theresa1213]

Thank you for taking notes on this

[@millag93]

I have many reasons to not want to be a victim again! One of them is that by being a victim you attract a lot of predators, narcissistic/psychopathic types and other toxic people! Not only that, but you even might seek such relationships, because you're "used" to being a victim. Not a cool feeling... Thank you for your helpful videos, Dr. Marks!

[@DrTraceyMarks]

You're welcome Milla. You definitely speak the truth here. It's good that you recognize how being a victim makes you vulnerable.

[@BabeRideEasy]

@@DrTraceyMarks / Milla G.That happened to me. I attracted a predator who got off on smashing my self esteem. I think he had Antisocial Personality Disorder. I spent my entire 30s seeking his approval and tolerating his meaness because that is what was comfortable for me. It was a pattern from childhood, where I was trained to believe I was not good enough. I had an older brother who was always mean and dismissive of me. He physically abused me, shamed me and emotionally abandoned me. SO I sought to resolve that relationship by finding men or a man who treated me the same, and then if I could only make them like me, I would finally be ok, good enough, accepted, praised. This childhood stuff runs deep, it is so subconscious no matter how successful I am in my life I always pull the rug out from underneath myself so I can be a victim who gets the attention and sympathy from someone I never got. Why can't I be that person to myself? It's hard to be stuck in self pity, it is like that Eric Clapton song "nobody likes you when you are down and out". People are repelled, I encourage abandonment. I know people are attracted to confidence, happiness, humor, empathy, a good listener. Dr. Tracey is right, just being of service to others, and getting out of my 'poor me' state makes me feel better. It is just a matter of recognizing who deserves my help and what are my intentions in trying to help this particular person. Big picture what overwhelms me is the idea I will always think this way, no matter how much work I do and that is discouraging. Ha here I go again, doubting myself, criticizing, giving up...Dr. Tracey's videos help me a lot. I find gratitude list works best if I make it about things I am grateful for about myself, what I have accomplished, and people who helped me, helps me to recognize the value of me helping others. If I make it about outside things I had nothing to do with achieving I still feel unworthy. I wish I lived in Atlanta so I could be treated by Dr. Marks. It is hard to find a psychiatrist as smart, clear, educated, and un-intimidating as her with a kind bedside manner. She seems so normal and grounded, exactly the person I want to be.

[@bbdn5123]

@@BabeRideEasy 💖

[@tuleybee2425]

Milla G. I hear ya

[@catherinebirch2399]

I realised this very late. I was bullied as an adolescent, & went on to attract all sorts of scum as an adult until one day I just gave up on people.

[@JadeDragonRaze]

I think it's okay to let yourself feel sorry for yourself sometimes. If I'm having a really hard time and cannot seem to stay positive, I'll let myself slip into self-pity with the understanding that it is temporary and I'll get up and try again after. It's also good to remember that you have to identify when you actually are the victim. I used to blame myself for everything. I was bullied so much in school, my parents had to get a lawyer. I used to think I was a horrible person in another life and this life was my punishment. I would blame myself for the cruel actions of others. Sometimes, people really WERE dealt a shitty hand in life and I think it is okay to acknowledge that and feel bad about it sometimes as long as you know it is temporary and you will get back up snd fight another day.

[@xoSaharox]

This is so well explained. Victim mentality blocks so many blessings and goes beyond the psychological into the spiritual. Thank you for your service :)

[@justiceadams6623]

Fact

[@margrose5]

Well said.

[@lindadallas5326]

I'm on my own personal self-development and improvement .

[@Gettiiiiit99]

Keep up this energy ✊

[@anderledesmenneske7655]

Wish you a success!

[@chevellehymans6150]

Thankyou doctor i went through alot of trauma abuse i used to be vitm but i am a strong woman

[@heatherbarnes2353]

I've made myself sick from being in the Victim mindset, I'm my own worst enemy. Thankyou so much for this video. A true wake up call.❤️💐🌞🌼🌻💙🙂😊

[@cherrenergy]

Yeah it sneaks up on you. My mind is BLOWN! This mindset goes against everything I stand for I do not understand how I got so deep into it. And it's going to be a long haul because I've been doing this for several decades. SMH

[@piedathemokona]

When I was in high school, my autism made me needy, and I openly cried. I believe expressing my tears openly came from seeing the other Asian girls cry openly about grades. (I’m Asian.) So to fit in, I was hard on my self over my grades. I’m really glad my parents never pressured me to get high grades. As I moved further East, there were less Asians, and the Caucasian people didn’t really understood why grades were so important. Grade 10 and grade 11 were hard. Being autistic, I felt guilty for accidentally taking too much from friendships, which lead to me loosing them. On top of that, I got bullied for being a loner. People picked on me saying “if you weren’t so ‘special’, you’d have more friends.” On top of school problems, my parents were getting divorced, so I think that was also a source of my neediness. And mother turned into more of a tiger parent. It wasn’t until grade 12 where I learned to put my foot down. You said in the video about feeling sorry for yourself. Thanks to Madonna’s ‘Human Nature’ song, it helped me stand up for myself. “I’m not your b**** don’t hang your s**** on me.” I’m so glad I made grade 12 my year.

[@roodhaabr6945]

you bravely toled your Story with a Happyend, wich you made it.go on Human !

[@markl7752]

Courage…

[@randymulder9105]

Thank you. You said it. Know it. Learned from it! Good luck with your future!

[@alberth1891]

You can’t be positive all the time, then you will be living in the fantasy land. Sometimes, you need to be real on what you don’t have.

[@JOVI08]

It’s a hard habit to break especially if you have been programmed to a victim mentality. But the more you work on it the more it feels natural. Yoga helped me build so much confidence in myself in a way that self pity, blame game and victim role have no room in my life anymore.

[@riseup6112]

Better explanation than a counselor

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Hi Jasreen. Thank you. I have a little counselor in me. 🙂

[@kellyberry4173]

@@DrTraceyMarks Thank you Dr. Marks!

[@ChrisFinkJensen1]

This was very helpful. For me, I notice that when I slip into a victim mindset it's often because I'm feeling disempowered by something or someone in my life. That, in turn, triggers fear who kicks down the door and starts a big party with all of his buddies -- self criticism, pessimism, anger, etc. Talk about hard to concentrate! But... pausing to notice that I am playing the victim script again allows me to take a little step back and start using some of the tools you've presented. Thank you, Dr. Marks!

[@krism3736]

It's very easy to play the victim and very hard to realize it..took me years to see myself doing it..

[@melaniecoleman4069]

1. Create small achievable goals 2. Give to others 3. Make a gratitude list 4. Get closure on your past hurts - what draws you to these bad decisions - press reset and trust you can move on for better 5. Don’t let past hurts define you Challenge: Identify how you wallow into victim mode

[@nisaadelia606]

thank you

[@speakenglishwithtaylah]

Could you do a video on how to set emotional distance from a family member or friend? Thank you! I love your videos!

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Hi TheDialect. That sounds a great topic. Let me see what I can come up with.

[@BeautyIsMyLife]

First thank you for these amazing videos! Thank you TheDialect too, I had similar thoughts about how I would love a video on how to emotionally distance yourself from someone who is rude/demeaning at work but you have to work with them often for your job and their help/support are essential. What would be ways to communicate and carry yourself so as not to be perceived a victim and professionally command respect? This is difficult when you have anxiety and eroded confidence.

[@d.e.w.8676]

Excellent suggestion!!! Excellent!!

[@icare4147]

Very simple, just talk to that person with more respect than they deserve. Soon you going to find that they start to drift while you don't feel guilty.

[@godislove9213]

Great insite!!

[@anamorales2583]

I think you are an extraordinary mental health resource. The word "victim" reminds me of another topic: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A lot of people associate PTSD with the military, but there are so many other trauma survivors. Could you talk about this disorder and the treatment for it? I'm specially concerned about natural disasters' survivors and how the lack of appropriate treatment can really take a toll on the quality of life of many people in US and around the world.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Hi Ana. Sure. I'll work on that. I've gotten a lot of requests for that topic

[@fredericmoresmau4303]

As if I'm faking insomnia...... Its my narc tequnique.... Since 8 years.....

[@Tmcsinger91]

Ana Morales yes I have PTSD I wish people would realize that PTSD is not just for people who went off to war . emotional traumas like emotional abuse which was the case with me as well as sexual abuse can still count as an trauma for PTSD I agree that a video on this would be great and very helpful

[@cobalius]

Trauma survivor is an awesome term! I'm definitely one! *sao music starts playing*

[@Cathy-xi8cb]

The tremendous majority of natural disaster events go on to function decently. They do not become immobilized, commit suicide, or fail to be able to work or love. If their governments do not provide appropriate assistance or if they don't have solid skills and relationships, then they are at high risk for problems. They were vulnerable in the first place in those situations.

[@kittymellow5864]

I often find myself feeling like people hate me... or at least that they would rather distance themselves from me. It’s so hard to just have a conversation. Earlier in the shower, I found myself wondering why people treat me this way and asking myself what was wrong with me.

[@johnnyjone8552]

Hello how are you?I'm Johnny from California how about you ?

[@jamesni4498]

Don't be better than someone else today. Be better than the person you were yesterday

[@digitally_ascended_conscio6304]

"Why bother" is the name of my game. Life has finally beaten me down into submission.

[@suuamroisa]

Me too

[@cuprunnethover2509]

Me three!

[@lseger62]

Wow, when you hear somebody else say it it's easy to see. The word "Life" is such a nebulous concept, it's like an unbeatable foe. Yet, her suggestions are tools/weapons to "beat" this "foe".

[@eg-draw]

The results always will be the same so why even bother.

[@lionblood1268]

@@eg-draw there is strength in overcoming. You can feel a vibrant sensation that permeates every cell of your body. This is an indication that you are on the right path. The most important art to master is yourself. Praise GOD

[@Chooselife96]

Everything you said is me. Two days ago I realize I have to work on stopping the play victim or victimized game. The way I see it hurts others because of my actions and it's so bad. I want to say this helped me in so many ways. You're so right it is gone be a long process and gone take time. I'm going to talk to my counselor more about this. Thank you. God Bless You.

[@1337murk]

I turned my attention to helping others for years, and although it stopped me thinking about myself (and stopped me from working on myself), ultimately it put me in a worse position because I did way too much for others, not doing enough for myself. Also, certain people took advantage of this, for way too long, and I more or less worked for free for a number of years for a couple of people, betting their situation at the detriment of my own. How do we draw a line here? I guess it comes to boundaries, which is a whole separate thing. Without one I guess you can't have the other right?

[@btr8390]

Totally agree Benj: it's just seems to be human nature, that the more you give the less it's appreciated, and the more that person wants. Like you, I feel like I've done way too much for other people which is what brought me here, so I'm definitely not taking that advice!

[@vivvy_0]

THIS 👆

[@Soneelicious]

You have to have a balance

[@donnaspears2253]

I definitely have a victim mindset. Everything that goes wrong or doesn't go my way I blame the other person for being included inconsiderate. If anyone doesn't like me I begin to feel unwanted like when I grew up. I'm needy because I crave praise. If it doesn't come automatically I have a way of reminding people. “Hey, didn't I do good today?”. I hate being alone, and believe in bot good enough. I would like to stop this mindset and free myself because it's dragging me down.

[@louiseaori]

This is me!! I am trying to break out of it

[@Contessa998]

@@louiseaori me too for the most part

[@user-gb3jy8dz8w]

Me tooooooo😢

[@lucid118]

My husband died a couple of years ago and my daughter is off in grad school and sometimes it’s easy for me to forget all the joys and blessings and successes in my life So thank you so much for the reminder. I love your videos.

[@ChrisTahji]

My girlfriend constantly gives me pep talks and I finally decided to research what my victim mentality means. I realize how much work I have to do in order to get to a better headspace. I'm reading the Bible for the first time. And I'm focusing more on doing things that make me happy rather than focusing on the scenarios I create in my head. I want to start doing things that make me feel good to remind myself of who I am at heart and really push myself to change my physical appearance. I've been skinny my whole life but haven't tried to seriously bulk up. That's my own fault and I own up to it. Now I can start somewhere and hopefully this leads to more things changing for the better with my life

[@eg-draw]

Bible isn't great choice to someone who wants to escape being victim. The whole point of monotheistic religions is make you good and submissive little slave.

[@abnormpsych17]

Good for you!

[@FleurPillager]

Is there such a thing as a perpetrator mindset? I never see any videos about how not to abuse children or about changing your thoughts if you're about to do something harmful to someone else. Or maybe a video about how to make amends if you've done something bad to someone? I feel like the focus is always on setting boundaries, forgiving the perpetrator, etc. rather than prevention of trauma or repairing the damage.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Good point. Its easier to address the victim because the perpetrators often don't see the problem since they are the problem.

[@robertcrusher1972]

*THIS*

[@makingitthrough190]

Fleur Bandito Good comment, I’m sure it’s true that many who are perpetrators are unaware, but I think many would get help if they felt the help was non-judgemental. Ironically therapists are trained to be non-judgmental. Nevertheless there is a huge barrier confronting those with negative behaviour traits, like uncontrolled anger, or violence. Because they feel to get help is synonymous with being cornered which will just lead to more anger.

[@aretipan3489]

When they act badly they like it.we think they don't understand it but they do.and they like seeing us suffer...and then we are wondering why the world is in difficult situations!!!

[@QueenOfTheDamned]

Wow I never thought about it like that. That's a very good point.

[@chrisnamaste3572]

I find a blame the internal mindset approach (aka. it's your own fault) short sighted in that both acute and structural/systemic oppression and violence are real things and no amount of "positive thinking" will erase that. "You chose to respond" is heartless when a child is beaten, a gang beats someone for fun, a bomb drops on your house and destroys your family, you are raped, forced to kill innocent people, poisoned by a chemical plant, etc There is also very good data that if you are beaten down as a child enough then it will have lifetime impacts that are real and persistent. There are also studies that show that those who are depressed actually have a more realistic view of reality than the non depressed; in other words the non depressed go through life with rose colored glasses on. Hence, a person with a clear eyed reality based assessment that is "negative" could say that most others who have an unrealistic positive mindset are foolish Pollyanna's--in other word's most Americans.... The world and even America is a very hard place for the sensitive and the vulnerable; it is a place with much more brutality and injustice than anyone will admit to in their own minds for it would mess with their rose colored cognitive dissonance that allows them to function in such a system.

[@Banoffeenyx]

this is very true, but i don't think this video was directed towards people with serious trauma or mental illnesses - rather those who find themselves slipping into a victim mindset every now and again and do not take responsibility for their own choices.

[@frida5680]

source?

[@MultiSignlanguage]

I agree, I wish she had taken a little time to explain who this video is for specifically, and not addressed all who may battle with "victim mentality" the same. There are those who have this mentality who haven't experienced horrible traumas and just struggle to heal and move on. Then there are those who do have horrible traumas and this will not work for them. This needs to be addressed.

[@randymulder9105]

@@MultiSignlanguage agree. Victim mentality and being a victim of child sexual abuse for years on an end takes years to get through. "Get over it" and "get over your victim mentality" aren't really helpful for those kinds of victims. I'm a victim of child abuse and have CPTSD and have had years of therapy. There isn't a simple fix. And it will always be with me. Am I happy some days? Yes. Have I worked long and hard on making a better life for myself? Yes. Do I have a "victim mentality"? No. Not really. I don't even understand the wording. Sounds discriminatory towards real victims. I think she means people who went through life with relative ease, with no accidents, no abuse, no real danger....but insist they are a "victim" because of everyone else and blame everyone and everything for every one of their problems. I'm a victim. But I don't blame everyone and everything for every one of my problems. The use of the word victim is really confusing for many. I wish it was never overused or transformed into wording like "victim mentality". I can work on my life goals and work on problems that are associated to me being a victim of child abuse. The victim mentality is a way for someone to constantly harp about their problems in life without actually trying to get better or work on life goals. I know some people that sit in coffeeshops and complain about water leaks in their apartment or how someone didn't buy them a coffee. And they are a victim of the water leak and cry and moan about it on a daily basis. I tell them I was abused and if anybody....should complain it's me. But, I don't. Because I did the work. And they don't see the difference. My abuse story versus their leak is not a valid point for them. They are still sitting their pointing fingers and blaming everyone else for their leak or their trip on a sidewalk or a bit of spilt coffee by the waitress. Why? Because they want the leak fixed for free. They want the coffee for free because the waiter spilled some. They want compensation for any minor or small issue bestowed upon them by the universe. They never stop. Example: "Oh, sir. You could have spilled that coffee on me and I could have gotten third degree burns. I mean that is unsafe. Maybe if you give me that coffee for free I will forget about having you written up or fired." And that's how they enter every bar, restaurant, household, job....etc. Looking for free stuff by playing the victim. Act. It's an act.

[@goldendiamon]

"You choose to respond" is also heartless when you stand up against a bully and still get blamed for it

[@gretamaenewcomb2768]

I’ve been working on cognitive behavior therapy for years. It’s hard work every day but I keep pushing myself.thank you for the honest answers to mental health concerns. Thank you I’ll listen again

[@gohardgibson]

Like whoa! I mean life is rough, but this video explains how I've living since my second divorce. I am going to a therapist tomorrow. And I want to put if off because I "rumunate" on many of these items you spoke on here. Thanks for sharing, these are great!

[@DrTraceyMarks]

You're welcome. I hope it goes well with the therapist.🙂

[@darugdawg2453]

My wife resent me for enjoying a computer game during day off

[@cherrenergy]

How are you doing ? I hope you have found success!

[@helpinghandsolutions8665]

Much gratitude to Dr. Tracey for putting together this video.

[@SookkisWay]

I used to act like a victim back in the days... I constantly asked WHY? But one day God delivered me from this mindset, He taught me humility and literally from that one hour of prayer, I no longer asked why, instead I said thank you, bc I realized everything happens for a reason and I am a stronger being from my obstacles in life. It wasn’t a daily thing for me bc of God’s will. Hopefully this can be your story too:) good day!

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Thanks for sharing this.

[@brittanyb5942]

Thank you for this!

[@worldisillusion11]

what was the outcome or final effect that confirmed to you that you had a "deliverance" from any God outside your own Self?

[@lilgodyessir3276]

God did , amen 🙏 😊

[@guggalisa]

Amen. Thank you so much. I confess my sin of being a victim , I repent for victim mentality and humbly asj God ti deliver me in Jesus mighty name, Amen

[@RoamingD]

I think it's also worth acknowledging the external factors that might actually be contributing to ones sense of being disadvantaged. For example, race, gender, sexual orientation in a society that lends privilege to some over others. Seeing that perhaps things aren't good in life because of these external factors rather than some sort of internal brokenness.

[@stephanies.9075]

I know you made this a long time ago but I just wanted to thank you. I’m going through the hardest time in my life and I’ve found myself falling into this mindset. I recognize that I need to talk to someone for the trauma I’ve experienced but I can live in a better space mentally and help myself in so many more ways than I realized. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and hope with us. The world needs so many more people like you. 🙏🏼❤️

[@johnnyjone8552]

Hello how are you? I'm Johnny from California how about you?

[@kimberlyrosssegovia203]

I appreciate you and the fact that you care and take the time to actually listen without judgment, criticism or pity. Makes it safe for a person to open up and hear what you have to say, which enables one to be transparent, vulnerable and proactive without the self-loathing, shame or guilt, but with dignity, compassion and encouragement we are able to understand ourselves and our shortcomings and as well as our positive traits. With this understanding, there's an uplifting energetic motivating desire to make one's life better. Your kindness and expertise bring hope.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Thanks so much Segovia family life. That's how I want you to feel watching my channel and commenting. Thanks for reaching out and commenting. All the best in making your life better. 🙂

[@DrTraceyMarks]

D a r l e n e I’m glad you have more self-awareness now. And thanks for watching my videos. I’ve had a few requests for this same topic and I haven’t known how to start yet because how you support someone depends on the situation it’s not as though there is a standard five step approach. But let me think about it and see what I can come up with.

[@jamyers7512]

@@DrTraceyMarks I have gotten more therapy & help from you than all my psychiatric journey of 49 years!!! I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and too naieve & uninformed to know how to research it. Not one professional explained my mental illness to me & I've literally lived in darkness since age 15. THANK you so much for your videos. They've helped make my life so Much BETTER ❤️😘❤️ Follow you religiously now.

[@amberfaith3028]

This was such an eye opener for me. My mental health really hit the lows this year and I've been on a journey ever since. This will be the most healing for me after seeing this video 🖤

[@xeik7482]

I'm in victim mode at work. Sometimes I feel like I should just leave the job on the other hand I feel like I should fight the injustices that I'm faced with. I work at a place where cliques and brownnosers thrive. I'm reserved but also versatile so I speak to everyone and of course there are those I am more prone to interacting with due to shared job responsibilities but I don't make it my duty to exclude anyone from my " circle". My manager seems to be in a clique of her own and mostly appreciates and respects the opinions of co-workers who cozy up to her waaaaayy more than she does me. It even looks like they get less responsibilities as well. I'm really unhappy with that establishment to the point where I'm questioning my career choice. I have been using the why bother attitude but that only seems to make things worse. I'm demotivated,sick, tired, late, absent and I just want out sometimes but I need the money. Sigh

[@Soneelicious]

See your job as a challenge that you get through everyday and that you’re a baddass and strong person. If you do decide to leave do leave because it’s all about how you can move forward now. So there’s two things to change your environment or you change your perception within that environment

[@dua99919]

Thankyou Dr. I have been struggling with victim mentality for months especially when I have everyday interaction with my family that happen to put me down. I can't cut them down cause we live together and yes listening to constant criticism and blame can toll ones mental health.

[@davecao908]

I appreciate your support. I was a victim of circumstances in my past and it destroyed my life till now. But now that those people are out of my life, many times still replay the same victim in my head over and over again. No idea how to stop it.

[@odintalks]

Do you try with mushrooms?

[@PhilosophicalPawn]

I love watching/listening to your videos, really helps me understand what I am going through without having to see a therapist (not saying therapists I bad), but thank you for making content that is easy to understand and is accessible. I especially love that I can put words to what I am feeling and how to go about it.

[@RosePetal17]

My parents took me out of situations that I found difficult and didn’t create strong boundaries with me. It recent years I have had many “ Nos’ “ and I must be honest, I have been feeling like I am a terrible person, and thinking that I don’t deserve good things. I know I need some help. These feelings are really affecting my life, and I have been in victim mode. Thanks for this Dr. Tracey, it is extremely helpful!🙏

[@Karsyn_Marie]

Good parents.

[@EuropeanGeisha]

This video is gem. And it seems I've already started to come out of victim mindset before I watched it. And btw I am a real victim of abuse, but I don't want to be in victim mindset. One thing, I cannot do anything about is constant ruminating, it seems I cannot stop, I always catch myself doing it.

[@andrewstone6635]

Thank you, Dr. Marks. Your videos have been a game-changer/life-saver for me this year. I am so glad you resumed making them, a decade after your initial disillusionment. That story you shared is meaningful for me…. A decade ago I was rooted in my career back in NYC, and a practicing member of 12 step programs. In the intervening years, as I struggled to maintain sobriety, my family and friends took giant steps back, at vulnerable moments when I felt I needed closeness. I am now living a life that feels much smaller, out in a quiet area of California. I find it hard to trust people or let them past a certain point. There is more work to be done on myself, and your vids offer trails through the wilderness. Thank you and much love.

[@BabeRideEasy]

These five solutions work! I learned about helping others when I came into AA. Instead of calling someone to solicit sympathy or complain about my problems I call and ask how they are doing. Within 5 minutes my self pity disappears, I get out of my head, break the ruminating pattern and feel uplifted. But living alone I isolate so I MUST treat social interaction like a dose of critical medicine for my depression. AA lifted me out of chemical dependency, but a lifetime of negative self talk does not disappear overnight. Gratitude lists are also hugely helpful; they too produce instant results. So when I feel sorry for myself that I never got a husband I can think well hey I never have to compromise and I get to chose exactly what I please to do each night, what freedom! I have learned a lot from Dr. Tracey. I check in a couple times a month to see what's new or re-watch videos. I call it healthy brainwashing because my brain gets muddy if I stop the flow of the river of knowledge. Another tool I use is "act as if". How would it feel to be confident and hopeful? Let's just pretend for today to be that person! Act my way into thinking, because thinking my way into acting...well...I just get stuck in the thinking quicksand and down I go. Thank you Dr.Tracey you have a wonderful bedside manner. God gifted you and you gift us, then we heal and that is a gift to those around us, ad infinitum...

[@Radience100]

Oh my gosh! Thank you so much for this Dr.! You have really broken the shackles off for many people to rhythm of negative thinking in the victim mentality. Unfortunate circumstances happened to everyone, however it’s How we respond that makes a difference between success and failure.

[@bethmoore7722]

That you for this reminder! A victim mindset is a reaction to being a victim, especially if you’re trapped in the abuse over a long period of time. What psychologists call “learned helplessness”, is really learned hopelessness. But “you don’t have to live like a refugee”, but it takes some work and some time. And reminders like this. If you’ve been deeply damaged, you don’t get better because you went to counseling. You get better by doing the work, and you have to continue to do the work long after therapy. This is the kind of coaching and analysis that really helps me with clarity and perspective.

[@LightsaberAddict]

I have been binge watching your videos. I have learned a lot about myself by watching your videos. I just want to say thank you very much for the work you do and for these videos.

[@dmgsoultogetherness6667]

The hardest thing ever...when you feel unwell your going to think negatively..when getting out of bed is a mountain climbed, its really difficult

[@Mevlinous]

I’ve struggled with bullying since I was a young child, through to high school, making me go inward to escape and protect myself. I have lived with the mindset of a victim since them, sometimes I feel powerless, other times it’s more one of oppressor oppressed and I feel anger for those I feel are trying to dominate me, but I’m unable to act due to this crippling self doubt. I have recently awakened a resolve to no longer be walked all over, it comes from a deep resentment which now is expressed as a overwhelming sense of “I won’t”. It’s the awakening of the lion from Nietzsche, no longer just the camel to be piled upon and led around, i resolve to no longer be codependent and helpless. My locus of control is now slowly turning to inner. But it will be a constant battle

[@lalexander1144]

I love this, but have to warn about the "giving to others." If you're not careful, you can end up basing your value by how much you give of yourself to others. It can trigger that "anxious to please" problem that many people, especially women have. It can also attract people who only care about what you can give. I've spent the past 3 years working against this with a therapist. Lost so many "friends" along the way once they realized I was pulling back and saying no more often. Ended a relationship with a narcissist too. Setting boundaries is important. One way I've started to look at this is to do more volunteer work. That way there is a clear limit on how much I give of myself. Everything else is on point and I'm still working on many of these. Gratitude is HUGE.

[@PattymacMakes]

Guilty of #3!! I catch myself when I start doing that, and generally will go for a walk or do something physical to break up the thought pattern. Social media can really throw gasoline on #5. Oh boy. So I unfollow people who (through no fault of their own) make me feel bad about my own journey. You really do have to focus on running your own race, but that is often times easier said than done. I will purposefully leave supportive and kind comments for people who make my jealousy spark to keep myself in check. In fact, I do go out of my way to be extra nice and supportive of people online. That will help me break a negative pattern. And getting the new cat to take care has really been great! She really needed (and still needs) a lot of extra love and attention.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Good for you to proactively leave kind comments to counteract the jealousy. Facebook can be really depressing. Are you going to post your cat on instagram? Maybe put her in one of your youtube videos?

[@PattymacMakes]

I catch myself when I'm being negative and address it right away. I won't say it's always easy, but it is the right thing to do. As far as Minnow the kitty goes...when she's ready I would love to show more of her. She is in my stories a little each week. I think I'm going to do a video showing the method we used to help her socialize to us. It was a very difficult couple of months and I thought several times that she would have to go back to the people who were rehoming her. It was stressful and not fun for any of us. But I have people on Instagram with experience working with feral cats and they helped me get through it. She's better and better every day. So before the setup comes down, I think sharing what we did could be helpful to other people.

[@asiawilson873]

This was an amazing video! I definitely have a victim mindset and seeing that I need to change it immediately. You gave great tips on how to do just that. Thank you again. It is greatly appreciated.

[@einsteindarwin8756]

Thank you. I don’t know what I would do without these videos during this pandemic. I’ve been driving my family and friends crazy.

[@eliottrodriguez7425]

Dr. Tracey. There must be something or someone looking after me, because I found you today, without looking for it. I've watch 2 of your videos and you have nailed me in both. I need to be in contact with a great therapist, but economically it is counterproductive for me. I'm so thankful that along with your definitions of various subjects, you also and most importantly for me, you offer some solutions. My lack of trust in myself and the accompanying self hatred has me with 3 college degress, living in my car, in. a God forsaken state of the Union, at the tender age of 53; just to give you an example. So, coincidence, destiny or divine intervention. I want to thank whatever make our paths crossed. From the bottom of my heart,THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU! It is a great thing you're doing here. Between you, The School of Life channel, all the books I read, and self awareness, I might find out some day, who am I beyond name and form? Thank you for doing this, please don't stop. I need someone to help me from my self sabotaging ways.

[@nadinssh]

Dr. Tracey, you are fantastic! This is the first video of yours I am seeing, but I can tell I want to hear more and more of you! Thank you so much for your channel and for your amazing work, helping people in this profound way!!!

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Great keep watching. I talk about lots of mental health topics. But if your more interested in self help topics, then here is my self help playlist. kzbin.info/aero/PLazcP3-djRZ2h4Rc-j6CsGGvPVgXdK6fr

[@corylcreates]

Thank you for this video. I've found myself frustrated with the plight of "Why don't I do the things I want to do?" and "Why don't I follow through on the things I say I'll do?" and this seems to be it. I'd love a video on that topic, by the way: why we don't do things we want, whether it's related to career or hobbies.

[@brocklanders1984]

Dr Tracey becoming a new favourite channel. Great video! Thanks for uploading!

[@jacobcameron219]

This was the first time I’ve heard someone name and explain this to me. I’m very grateful.

[@ms.stonetv854]

Thank you for this information 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

[@DrTraceyMarks]

You're welcome Erica!

[@hiscore1802]

There are very few people like you. So convincing

[@darinsuth6993]

Hey Dr. Tracey!! Your new fan from Thailand here! I absolutely love your channel :D I watched this video and found the advice practical and useful. I found that I was trapped in the past disappointments and couldn’t break myself free from it. After doing exactly what you mentioned, having a trusted friend to help walk me through the decisions that led me to those grand disappointments, and build the confidence that I can go forward with better decisions, I felt so much better. This works better than any other advice. Thank you so much. Keep up your excellent videos!

[@lisalinnae9844]

All i can say... you help so much. Learned more in 2 podcasts vs. Years of trying to figure out. THANK U

[@melodyrogers9473]

I've felt like a victim since i was 5 years old.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

WATCH NEXT - *HOW NOT TO BE AN EMOTIONAL SPONGE* kzbin.info/www/bejne/qnbdoZyDaNWJa80

[@angellee9307]

Thank-You I HAVE TO WORK AT THIS

[@Ralph85Williams85]

You are offering us plenty of scientific knowledge. Thank you!

[@catmom1322]

Fascinating. I used to tell my subordinates who were constantly being badgered by the staff about their schedule to "Be a Mirror, Not a Sponge." Don't soak up the negativity but mirror back to those who are distressed.

[@LorieMartinezShow]

You are very intelligent. Everyone of your videos I have watched so far you have been right on. Thank you so much Dr Tracey marks for your wisdom!!!

[@jramsingh3895]

Hi doc...im in everything u created a video bout... i only think dyin thoughts...i need help..pls

[@shinigami956]

Thank you for taking about this without making people feel even worse, thanks

[@stephaniandjay6199]

Ms Tracey, you are about to change the WORLD!! Thank you! ❤😊

[@truthsavant6005]

This is really helpful and has given me some new insights...thanks

[@DrTraceyMarks]

You’re welcome truth savant! Glad it was helpful.

[@carlasaunders7717]

Oh my goodness....this is sooo me....smh Dr. Tracey you are a life changer.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Oh I'm so glad Carla. Thanks for watching.

[@josephinepapin8858]

Absolutely, thank you so much for your professional input! Trying to move on from this victim mentality mindset that I have, so that I can start my life as a young adult on the right foot.

[@KittenEatsRamen]

I saw this video because I am currently trying to heal from things...and your video really helped me out...it gave me the idea of writing "forgiveness" letters (ones that no one will read of course) in order to give myself closure and start moving on by setting small goals for myself. Thank you so much for this!

[@Jtill346]

Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge!!

[@DrTraceyMarks]

You're welcome Jenn t. 🙂

[@Jtill346]

:D

[@lili11.11]

What makes me uncomfortable is just that it always feels like both the blame and the responsibility get put on the victim. And it's just not fair. But my question is how do we prevent ourselves from being a victim in the future when the world is full of people who will get away with harassment

[@Karsyn_Marie]

Yes

[@gloryeve229]

I have these 5. I have victim mindset, I know it. Thank you for giving me advice. I will try to change. When I've really change personally & in every aspects of my life , I hope we can contact each other. I'm truly grateful I found this video..

[@LoriBothwell]

I’m DONE with this pattern! It’s been years to overcome but thank you for these wonderful ideas ❤

[@BlueFace33388]

This explains a lot of my life! Thanks

[@johnnyjone8552]

Hello how are you? I'm Johnny from California how about you?

[@brooke1639]

That $7,000 bonus sounded very specific 😂😂

[@SarahLizDoan]

Lol

[@eltonshamblen9766]

Dr Marks is .... all over it. What a professional !! A tip on gratitude - borrowed from an unknown pastor. Place a jar near where you change from work to casual clothes or store you phone, wallet etc. Drop your spare change in it, each day. Stop with each coin and think of some blessing you received. When the jar is full? Donate the money to a good cause. Rinse and repeat. If it sounds like BS- just go ahead and try it and see how it works.

[@HeyAnnieHey]

Thank you! Dr. Tracey -This message was pure gold!

[@MichelleVisageOnlyFans]

1. Everything is negative 2. Ask yourself Why? 3. Mull over things, Ruminating over things 4. Don't think very highly about yourself 5. Your first emotion is anger

[@marywolfe7293]

doctor, I was wondering.. what are your spiritual beliefs? Are you a Christian? I'd not. what are your beliefs spirituality.... Just curious because you were very balanced and give great advice. God bless you!!!!!!

[@DrTraceyMarks]

I'm a Christian Mary. God bless you as well!. Thanks for watching. 🙂

[@karenbonham1359]

mary wolfe thank you for asking this question!

[@atstar8136]

@@DrTraceyMarks thank you for all you do. I need to put it behind me... the work starts now.

[@CaioSeno]

This is the right moment in my life to hear this things, because I noticed I am moving out or the victim mindset for a couple of months now. I am very happy to see my improvement and to have this video to help me improve even more

[@trinitymcmichael5058]

wow! This is very much me. It's gotten so bad that I make up negative things that haven't even really happened. I never knew that until I watched this video! Thank you so much and I will try your solutions!!

[@perplexiglas1]

Some people in this world don't even have the luxury of the time to have a victim mindset. Lack of clean water, reliable food, any quality of life. Let's count our blessings.

[@michellewright6244]

How do I set emotional boundaries that can help me create distance between me a family member that I constantly feel criticized by?

[@DrTraceyMarks]

One way is to make their opinion less important to you. Then the criticism doesn’t carry much weight.

[@scentsandgems]

@@DrTraceyMarks That is true. But what if your idea of love is conntected to a high value of the other's opinion?And a emotional distance hurts yourself too. Because you love the other. What can you do then?Thank you for your response. Your videos are a belssing!

[@adys6185]

Yasmin Böhme I have the same concern too

[@renaudlevasseur8327]

Make your self esteem based on your values and not what people think of you, what you do, look like or have. This way as long as your actions and attitude is set in your values you will care less about it. And keep in mind that often people who critisize you feel threaten by you, they try to bring you down to feel better about themselves so you know that they are actually thinking you are better than them. Often what I say is it's your opinion you have the right to believe it and dont show that you are affected by it.

[@lamar3448]

Thank you so much Dr. Marks, I needed your help and support. I have this mindset that I want to be “great”, and I am great, but my my insecurities, past experiences, etc can bring up that victim mindset. I just want to be a good dude, and I would like my significant other to be great as well. Right now, that’s all I’m asking for. Thank you again! 💯✊🏾

[@tonyadavis6005]

Love this! I'm a high school teacher and need more of these types of short videos that are geared towards students and self help!

[@817linda]

How does early childhood trauma affect depression. Plus I’ve also had several other traumas.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

People with childhood trauma can be more vulnerable to developing depression. I have an upcoming video in January on complex PTSD, which is something that can happen as a result of childhood trauma.

[@secondopinion53]

@@DrTraceyMarks Doctor... I just recently got out of a 5 year relationship with someone and she put on my Plate that she had been Molested from a early age bye a family member.. That she continues to see from time to time!! I don't have a Doctorates degree,but I do have a degree in Psychology.. I Express to her over the years this has definitely brought on PTSD,DEPRESSION And Probably more systems... Fast forward to a falled marriage that was Mentally Abusive didn't help either... I Express to her over the years that it's probably is going to take a lifetime of Therapy!! I just want to know what's your take on it? Thanks

[@DrTraceyMarks]

@@secondopinion53 I agree it will take professional help to work through this completely, maybe not a lifetime though - especially if it is one abusive relationship and not multiple traumas. If she sees a good therapist, one trained in trauma specific treatments, she may experience big changes within 6 months - few years depending on the severity of the problem and they type of therapy she gets

[@secondopinion53]

@@DrTraceyMarks I love your channel! I have seen almost every disorder dealing with my past relationship... Not only that I was born in Flint Michigan one of the murderest cities in the US! Where is your practice located?

[@secondopinion53]

Also to build on that their was multiple traumas involved! Physical Abuse Mental and Emotional unfortunately..

[@IamINERT]

Watch Jordan Peterson As a black guy myself I find him very encouraging

[@ZenMaisy]

As you often do... you nailed it! I'm stuck on getting closure for past hurts. Now I know what to focus on in my therapy! Thank you!!!

[@pammym1825]

I like the way you stated that the victim mentality can be prevalent in one area of your life...mine is physical health because of long-term pain and the loss of soooo much as a result such as: job, mobility, freedom, independence etc. The encouragement to seek help is spot on...I'm seeing a Psychologist and I'm thankful for the help 😊

[@Toyon95]

I hate the name "victim mode". Makes me feel attacked, like a victim. Very ironic! Not joking, but I prefer to just say "low self esteem".

[@tomjones7089]

Move on..

[@talacocheta9001]

Low self-esteem may be just a part of "victim mode," though. Or it may not be any part of it at all, so for some, it wouldn't apply as a term.

[@TheLily97232]

Gehn Saavedro that's how I feel too about it.

[@lisajohnson6351]

But they can be 2 different things.

[@trexpaddock]

There is good information in the video, to be sure. However you do seem to be overlooking situations where an individual is an actual victim of something/someone. People struggling in the bottom two levels of Maslow's hierarchy. People trapped in an abusive situation out of necessity. It is also a bit of an exaggeration that people can't cause to you feel things. If a dangerous person pulls a knife, or a gun on you, you are going to feel a certain degree of fear. If something tragic happens to one or more people who are central to your life, it will effect you. If your partner dumps you, you lose your job, your house burns down, your car gets stolen, you dog runs away, and get run over by a mac truck, all in the same afternoon, it will most probably impact your mood. It would be more fair to say you can choose who to think about what happens, than you can choose how to feel about it. (Yes, I am aware that 'feelings follow thoughts', it is just that when you make a blanket statement like 'no one can effect how you feel' you sew the seeds for a situation where a person, after being exposed to (one or more) severe situations, and has a negative emotional response to it, then goes on to feel bad, about feeling bad, because they failed themselves by allowing someone else to effect how they feel. I think it is very important that people give themselves time to feel grief when they have had a loss, or to feel upset if they have been treated unfairly, in much the same way they are allowed to feel joy when something wonderful happens. I don't see it being anything but accurate for an actual victim, to have the experience of being a victim, if, and when, they are a victim. I would certainly agree it is critical to isolate that incident, as best as one may, from other aspects of one's life. In retrospect, I suppose what I am proposing here, could be described as 'the middle path'.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

You make some very good points. Thanks for adding this. Its very useful🙂

[@trexpaddock]

@@DrTraceyMarks One tries to be helpful, as best one can. It is certainly encouraging when attempts in that direction as taken as such, rather than attacks, as is sometimes the case.

[@realgirl2704]

trexpaddock I think the Dr. is speaking of a persistent mindset and not the times in life when we are victims and find a way to move on. We don't stay in victim mode forever. Some people are so stuck in victim mode they can't see any of the good in their life.

[@catherinewilson1079]

Whew! Thank God I’m not completely there! I am daily grateful for what I have.

[@adampeterson6729]

I mental health issues I get greet information from your videos. It’s nice to hear from an MD about more than just medications. Thank you!

[@SurfLife4me]

A timely brief...it sure seems POTUS has a victims mindset. Maybe it's just me...:).

[@DrTraceyMarks]

LOL! Don't get me started...

[@adamtrott78]

Wow, how insightful!

[@chinookvalley]

Watching the trial begin, there is no doubt. The poor little rich kid who is entitled to getting his way. His defense team is just "doing their job".

[@slickandslaycious6579]

I like how you went through different symptoms and multiple possible solutions, because the mindset many not apply but a solution or two could still be helpful

[@heidibaltom8138]

Thankyou i needed this today. I knew i was negative and had a problem with this but this gives it a name and saying there are ways to change it.

[@harriettamiller2397]

Hi Dr. Tracey! I'm a 30 year old woman who grew up with 5 narcissist, 2of them were the parents, I was diagnosed with MS-Multiple Sclerosis 5 years ago. Yes I am into therapy, but I seem to carry my prison, my cell, everywhere I go, everywhere I am. I don't exercise as much as I need to, not even a little, it's difficult to face my now. I used to a dancer and an athlete and now I am a patient with disabilities... I can't seem to be able to get out of this loop and it's constant. Thank you for your short yet full of knowledge videos, it makes it easier for one to remember 😉🙏Thank you!

[@antoinebelanger-fafard2172]

I'm making an art project out of the gratitude list to be constantly reminded as it hangs on my wall. Excellent advice, thank you!

[@sarahjmount9221]

Really good and helpful advice. It’s simplified so easy to follow. The thing that is the most prevalent to me is getting the past hurts out of the mindset. That way is key. And it’s doable! I’ve been working on it for over a year now. This video really brings self-awareness. Thank you. ❤

[@jeanc6295]

Dr. Tracey I just wanted to thank you for these videos I stumbled upon them about a week ago I have listened to a few others but the way you explain I am able to comprehend it better. I have a victim mentality but I have a life coach and I can see the changes I am a now subscibed😊

[@jaredcowan3180]

Thank you for this video Dr Mark’s. Very insightful.

[@ARA-fx6et]

This is great! I love your videos and recommend them to people all the time! Thank you for creating them!!!