5 Ways to Work on the Habit of Obedience

[@WondaElizabeth]

This comment has absolutely nothing to do with the topic. Your voice is so soothing, your diction flawless and your articulation first-rate. Thank you for your videos and the clear explanation of each point. God bless!

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Thank you for your feedback and kind comments!

[@jerilyn-ourhomeschooltable]

Our issue isn’t the act of obedience, its the attitude of obedience. 😊 Thats much harder to work on I think.

[@yellowbirch2498]

With you on that one... I was listening to the part about friction with a bit of discomfort!

[@modelingmotherhood]

same !

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

It can be hard sometimes to target that underlying attitude and not just reinforce when a child is "going through the motions." You may like this collaboration video with Ginger Hubbard, specifically the section on "allowing delayed obedience" and some of her resources.

[@julietmariebryant209]

hello! is there a link for the video you mentioned? sounds awesome :) @@SimplyCharlotteMason

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

@@julietmariebryant209 thank you for asking as it was meant to be linked! Here it is: simplycharlottemason.com/blog/6-discipline-mistakes-parents-make/ :)

[@ari3lz3pp]

Thank you 🌻🌻🌻 I have Autism and it's not always easy to understand things from other's point if view. The explanation of individuals and various expectations, recognizing facial display of emotions; all helps a lot! It's funny how with public school education, even in special needs classes; there's such a generalizing system for categorizing children, which makes sense for a starting point. But most times teachers are too overwhelmed themselves with unobtainable expectations on them, and they in turn tend to place that onto the children without considering the individual. Recognizing differences and similarities between students could indeed enhance their chance at sucess! At helping them in a way that's more effective instead of repeatedly demanding and punishing, and raising up the children that need less help. As if needing more help is "bad". 😓 I am new to learning details about Charlotte Mason learning, and just started our second year of homeschool, I feel the Lord blessed me with putting this channel in my path. And blessed all of us here with such a lovely woman to share these lessons!

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Thank you so much for reaching out to share your experience! Charlotte Mason teaches us to see the value in all children as they are born individual people. We are happy that you feel you have been blessed by our channel and wish you the best on your own homeschooling journey! Please reach out with any questions you may have along the way!

[@m.n.5379]

Can I give my child a small reward every time he remembers to do the task? Or if it’s not advisable, what can I do to keep him motivated? Thank you

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

@m.n.5379 That's a great question. Charlotte actually encouraged us to let the natural consequence of the child's action be their reward. You can read more about what Charlotte had to say on natural consequences here: simplycharlottemason.com/blog/natural-consequences/

[@ari3lz3pp]

Wonderful question! We were really pushed to use ABA therapy for our ASD child and one of the biggest problems was they asked us to use extrinsic motivation primarily and consistently, recommended candy because easy, or TV for longer term rewards. SMH We didn't use ABA long but it regressed things. My children do pretty well with intrinsic motivation that we encourage with "You should be happy with yourself!" Etc. instead of just telling them WE are happy with them, though that's not bad...we don't want them to rely on being people pleasers vs genuinely doing things for the right reasons. And to know what that is because they feel good doing it. If we can train them to recognize from within, and to build confidence from within from doing good things that's so important! ❤ We still use physical rewards (from a soft pretzel/ salty snack, or some dark chocolate...to more time at the playground etc, letting them choose something is great too), but it's not the primary motivation and it's for periodic goals based on accomplishing new expectations. If you don't need to do this that's ideal. But sometimes it does help give extra "oomf" especially with kids that are not as mature with reasoning. My special needs is oldest at 11 and we are phasing out some physical rewards, as he gains confidence and is making the correlation between things like "I don't wet the bed at night, that means I don't need to wash my bedding in the morning" and things like mom and dad will remind the kids when they do something wrong, like being a messy eater, (when we know they CAN do better), it takes time to correct it...which means less time for fun. For most NT 5 year olds I think that this can really work. Helping them remember that necessities come first, including hygiene, and health, learning.... If that gets interrupted or takes longer because not done or not done right etc...then time for fun gets removed first.

[@krystalgoin]

This is very helpful. I have actually started the CM Obedience section just this week but am struggeling for my children to understand. They are 4 and 6. I have been expecting them to listen the 1st time every time to all my directives, but I am now seeing that I should start with small little things through the day instead of bigger things. Like picking up these toys instead of all your toys. I think I am expecting too much too soon for their ages. I was already feeling defeated and we are only on day 3. But I think its because Im trying to do too many steps a day. I will work on this.

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Thank you for joining us and sharing your experience! It sounds like you are on the right track! Your children are individual people and this is new for them! We want to set them up for success so that they learn a new way of doing things, starting small can really help with this and reinforce what you want them to do in a positive way! Here is another post on getting started with habit training that you may find helpful: simplycharlottemason.com/blog/habits-q-a-introduction-to-habit-training/

[@Renewed85]

Level 1, I have to ask that simple thing several times. It seems like I have to get mad. My 3yr old chuckles, like in embarrassment. Though I don't see why. And my 4yr old acts like it's torture to do anything. Even if I make a game of it out tell him off how much I appreciate him

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Hi, You may find these posts helpful: Habit Training in the Early Years: simplycharlottemason.com/blog/habit-training-in-the-early-years-early-years-homeschooling-part-2/ Not Repeating Yourself: simplycharlottemason.com/blog/your-questions-answered-not-repeating-yourself/ 6 Discipline Mistakes Parents Make: simplycharlottemason.com/blog/6-discipline-mistakes-parents-make/

[@ari3lz3pp]

Have your children been diagnosed with anything; perhaps autism or ADHD? My oldest has both. CBD at night helps him sleep. Sleep trouble impacts everything. Also not getting outside enough during the week. If we can just get an early walk before learning, maybe 15 mins on a playground, or a swim...that can help immensely for ADHD. It can be extremely frustrating to feel you're getting nowhere and aren't heard/understood by your kids. I've been there, felt I was being patient (vs my VERY impatient guardians of my upbringing), and I ended up losing my cool and to this day, many years later still regret it. Getting upset and yelling is not good. Not that you do that, but even using certain phrasing and tone can impact young ones. Even if they giggle. (My oldest did that when I was at the end of my rope and it drove me up a wall!) When you lose self control because you seek to control vs teach them self control...it can regress everything or make it harder in the future to get them to engage. I found an app about fixing broken relationships/bonds as a parent and it helped a lot. So does this channel. It took me many years of changing myself, by grace of God. And helping my child as well. No matter how exhausting . If I am too stressed or they are; time for a break and positivity ASAP! It can be a day off academics, doesn't matter to me if we are just so overwhelmed one or all of us feels we are going to pop- that's not going to end in good retention of habits or education anyway. I love the "ally vs the child's bad memory/bad habits" explanation. That's what we should be. They are little humans learning. They don't innately *know* most anything.❤ It's hard to remember if you also came from a negligent or abusive family. I did. I didn't know until I started parenting and feeling frustrated and guilty everyday about why how my parents did things didn't work for us... because I wanted my children to be self reliant and strong. My parents didn't truly want that from me, the schools don't want that; they want blind complaice. So trying to raise kids based on those models isn't going to get better results for anyone. I hope you are already doing better on your journey and/or see improvements soon! Don't forget the power of prayer. (I just finished my prayer closet recently ❤️)

[@ari3lz3pp]

If you haven't already looked into it; considering each child's learning style can help too! Even with communication. My ASD child often needs to SEE visuals of what I'm talking about (not deaf or anything, it's just a difference of processing). My other does best with hearing things audibly or reading words himself to really let it sink in. Some kids are more hands on. I am, but my kids get easily overwhelmed and frustrated. Especially with the way their sensory processing disorder is. I have more intense SPD funny enough, but I know my triggers and what to avoid etc. Just stuff to keep in mind! And home-school is so awesome because you can use anything of interest to engage them. It can be a superhero they like, animals they like, baking, music, foods... My child was really into peanut butter for a while so we looked into the history of making and selling peanutbutter, the science of growing peanuts, sourcing oil, counting peanutbutter jelly sandwiches or putting them in fractions etc... writing a goofy adlib story about a giant peanut butter sandwich. Don't be afraid to get creative! ❤

[@SunnyLee-s4j]

My 5 year old boy has the same issue,too. He finds an excuse immediately after I tell him what to do. It’s so frustrating.

[@gloriack7976]

I so wish I would have known about Charlotte Mason and read such a book diligently 8yrs before. What exasperation I would have saved both myself and my older two kids.

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

It can be hard to come across what would have helped later on, but be encouraged, it is never too late to start on habits! You may find this post helpful as well if you are getting started on habits with older children: simplycharlottemason.com/blog/habits-q-and-a-starting-with-older-children-dealing-with-negativity/

[@Jenjeyfur997]

I have to admit, I get so overwhelmed with all the ways in which I am lacking as a parent. I feel defeated and like I am going to ultimately ruin my child. The average parent isn’t doing all this work to figure out how to raise their children, they just go off instinct no matter how wrong it is. It’s hard to cope.

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Habit training your children is a huge job, but be encouraged! Start small, pick one habit at a time, and give your children and yourself some grace during this process. Here is a post to encourage you on this journey. simplycharlottemason.com/blog/let-us-not-grow-weary/

[@yellowbirch2498]

We are starting this with our eleven year-old. I think we need to start right at the very beginning - parents too.

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Thank you for your contribution to the conversation! It is never too late for any of us to start working on habits!

[@ari3lz3pp]

❤ Agreed! I hope you're having a fruitful experience. My oldest is eleven as well! We started full on homeschooling last year and I just discovered this channel, and started really diving into Charlotte Mason strategy. SO grateful. 😊 Especially with special needs we sometimes have regressions and need to start at the beginning with many things. Myself included! 😅 God bless 🌻

[@dianavargas8471]

I just found you! This is incredibly helpful.

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Glad it was helpful!

[@calliegoodman8286]

WhT do we do when met with defiance, even at step one?

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Hi, Thank you for reaching out with your question! I am assuming that you mean that when you give your child a single step direction to complete right now, they do not. There are a few things to think through here. 1. You may benefit from reading through this post and having some conversations with your child at an age-appropriate level about your authority in the home and the expectation to obey: simplycharlottemason.com/blog/authority-and-obedience-core-values-of-charlotte-mason/ 2. If this is a new change in your home, your child of any age would benefit from you sitting down and telling them during a neutral time that you will be targeting a new habit called “obedience” and explaining what that will look like in your home. SCM offers a few resources for habit training that may be helpful. You can find all of the resources here: simplycharlottemason.com/store/laying-down-the-rails-resources/ 3. “Laying Down the Rails for Children” is the resource used directly with children and has various lessons to complete directly with the child for different habits including obedience. Establishing this habit has to do with practicing it but also with feeding their minds with good ideas and examples of what this looks like. You can learn more about that resource here: simplycharlottemason.com/store/laying-down-the-rails-for-children-a-habit-training-companion/ 4. All habits in life have consequences whether they are positive or negative. As you work on this habit with your child, you may find it helpful to think through what are the consequences when my child disobeys me? Determine if those seem to be effective currently or if adjustments need to be made. You can learn more about consequences and the role they play in habit training here: simplycharlottemason.com/blog/parents-adjust-consequences-habit-training-part-5 5. Depending on the age(s) of your child, you may find these resources helpful: Younger Children: simplycharlottemason.com/blog/habit-training-in-the-early-years-early-years-homeschooling-part-2/ Older Children: simplycharlottemason.com/blog/habits-q-and-a-starting-with-older-children-dealing-with-negativity/ Please reach out with any additional questions you may have!

[@amreetha7]

Such a beautiful response

[@katematthews915]

Such a helpful series! Thank you SO MUCH, Sonya!

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

You are so welcome!

[@shevegan4302]

So beautiful! I also recommend Ellen G. White’s book called Education.

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Thank you!

[@sanaali8343]

Hopefully it'll help my frustrations because I expect a lot from my 11 and 14 year old daughters without giving them any training .. I have to work on my habits 1st I believe. Thank you

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Thanks for joining us! Often as we start to habit train our children systematically, we discover that we have habits of our own that could use some help! The good news is that it is never too late to learn new habits ourselves as adults and we can come alongside our children to help them while we continue to improve ourselves. Here is a great post on getting started with habit training and working on our will power as parents. simplycharlottemason.com/blog/habits-q-a-training-the-will/

[@elsamartin8165]

My god. What a much more loving way to parent. I have been drowning in motherhood and all I know is to gentle parent and when that doesn't work I resort to spanking. I wish I would have known this sooner. Why aren't we taught these things?! Or at least why isn't it out there to find more easily.

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

So glad that you have found this to be helpful in your parenting journey! It is never too late for any of us to form new parents and that includes us as adults! Here are some encouraging posts for you. Let Us Not Grow Weary simplycharlottemason.com/blog/let-us-not-grow-weary/ I Am, I Can, I Ought, I Wish I Did simplycharlottemason.com/blog/i-am-i-can-i-ought-i-wish-i-did/ 6 Discipline Mistakes Parents Make simplycharlottemason.com/blog/6-discipline-mistakes-parents-make/

[@jessicabrown6943]

This is so helpful! Thank you ❤

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

You're so welcome!

[@travisambers6307]

Thank you for this! You are filling a void that many of us parents have. So many of us did not grow up this way and do not have parents or mentors who can help us shape a rich environment for our children. You are impacting so many lives for good!

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Thank you for joining us and sharing your kind words and feedback!

[@hannahgrinder4486]

This is excellent. Thank you! Presently reading bits and pieces of CM's Habits book 🙂

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

You're welcome!

[@julietmariebryant209]

Does anyone know a place online to find the quote referenced about the boy shutting the door behind him? I have listened to the audiobook that it is from but I want to write it down so i can reference back to it:)

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Hi there, here is the blog version of this video so you can see the text written out: simplycharlottemason.com/blog/5-ways-to-work-on-the-habit-of-obedience/ If you scroll down on the page to "Level 3: A Recurring Single Step Task" or do a search on the page for "shut" you'll find the quote written out. :)

[@kristimaslan1825]

As always, wonderful information! Thank you!

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Glad it was helpful!

[@Thegritmom]

This was wonderful 👏 thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience.

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

You are so welcome!

[@calliebolstad1345]

Oof, this shows me where I have made some mistakes. Thank you for your wise words!

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

We all have room for improvement and it starts with identifying where we can change things to help our families succeed! Thank you for joining us!

[@mr.wright9867]

I loved this one. As a mother of 2 boys this is been a big struggle. I will try to do better.

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Thank you for sharing your feedback! Working on habits is very hard work but the reward is so worth it! Please reach out with any questions you may have on your habit training journey with your family!

[@desertdweller_]

This is so fantastic!! Thanks so much

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Glad you enjoyed this post!

[@elizabetho7654]

Overwhelm them 🤔🙋‍♀️

[@elizabetho7654]

Thank you for all of the amazing help in my CM journey!

[@rickijones2570]

That “friendly ally” is the key!!

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

You're welcome, so glad you are finding these posts helpful and encouraging!

[@tramseyplanter2]

Thank you so much for this!

[@SimplyCharlotteMason]

Glad it was helpful!