7 Subtle Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect

In this video, I'm talking you through the 7 subtle signs of childhood emotional neglect. Some of these subtle signs may mean you currently are or may have suffered from CEN (childhood emotional neglect) or what some simply call childhood neglect. In this video, and in some other videos I'll link below, I will be speaking to recovery and healing from emotional neglect or childhood neglect from your parents. Not all childhood emotional neglect looks identical for everybody, and your symptoms or effects may look different than a friend or sibling. This type of neglect can sometimes lead to childhood ptsd, and can effect you in your adulthood, or other symptoms. So if you are one who may suffer from neglect in your childhood from your parents or maybe a teacher or a guardian or someone else, I suggest you watch this video so you can better understand both your problem and recovery and healing journey.
Here are the 9 Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect: • 9 Signs of Childhood E...
Want more recovery tips on childhood emotional neglect? Here's a video I made about how to overcome it: • How to overcome Childh...
5 Must Know Signs of Emotional Abuse: • 5 MUST KNOW SIGNS of E...
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[@Katimorton]

More signs of childhood emotional neglect & ways to recover here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/p2ixnautnN5qb7c

[@shakurwonders5216]

WHAT CAUSES ANHEDONIA AND TIRED OF LITERALLY EVERYTHING, TIRED FOR NO GOOD REASON, AT THIS POINT I DONT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN TO GET HELP. I LOSE FOCUS OFTEN AND GET BORED EASILY , GET TIRED FOR DOING NOTHING. I DONT KNOW ME ANYMORE. THS SOUNDS LIKE DEPRESSION BUT THE CALM VERSION SINC THE LAST ONE I HAD CAUSED SUICIDAL THOUGHT IT WAS THEMOST INSURMOUNTABLE

[@liudasmachina113]

i have recognised 7 :D

[@cherylwade264]

@@shakurwonders5216 Go to a therapist.

[@cherylwade264]

7 Subtle Signs Of Emotional Neglect Latch Key Kid Point Of View 1. Emotional Neglect - Stoic Working Class Parents- Children should be. seen not heard. 2. Love Self Esteem- No one to help with home work not as smart as classmates or peers 3.Wrong Person- Television. Family Values 4. Impulsivity- Television was. babysitter What would(____)do? Often unsupervised. 5.Difficulty Regulating Behavior Shut up and go to your room and think about what you did Unsure of transgression apologizes for unknown reason.Punished for nothing 6.Perfectionism- This is all I asked you to do and you can't Not properly instructed 7.Difficulty Making Decisions- Told. Not given options often. Toe the line.

[@LoonyYunie]

Thank you for pinning this and offering this information, it's valuable and I appreciate the time and effort you put into it.

[@ruthortega6192]

I have difficulty processing emotions because, like many of my generation, I just got “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

[@yesyoucan7877]

Lol it’s not that deep

[@ruthortega6192]

@@yesyoucan7877 Thanks for minimizing and dismissing my experience. This single example may not be “that deep” but sorry for not dumping my entire history into a single KZbin comment. If you don’t have anything constructive to add to a conversation, it’s often best to say nothing at all.

[@brrjohnson8131]

I wish I could cry. I know it would be cleansing & I remember it makes you feel so much better afterwards. The pain exists, just no release.

[@yesyoucan7877]

@@ruthortega6192 hahaha. Just off your first comment alone I can tell you like being miserable. Be happy you aren’t a starving kid in a third world country. We all go through shit but just always remember there’s someone who had it worse. Lmao.

[@annabrahamson4320]

You know every one I knew got this, they are not all damaged either. What you might not know is what their parents expected of them, my mothers siblings got whipped with their dads belt for not completing stepmother request first or simple mistakes. She never spanked any if us because of that.

[@Akeyma]

One of the things for me is feeling like ANY attention is negative attention. Praise is almost as anxiety inducing as criticism.

[@juneasia7875]

I feel you. I was bullied at school and at home and have the same problem. I would like to be invisible

[@johrathbun]

Yep! Same here.

[@11hallucigenia11]

I get furious when someone compliments me because I assume they're lying. So twisted

[@MorganBondelid]

I feel this so much. I really benefited from the framework that getting a compliment can cause cognitive dissonance when it does not fit with one’s self-image, and that is part of the reason that it can be upsetting.

[@seriouscat2231]

I realized recently that my mother praises me when she either wants me to do something or wants me to agree with her. When I say or do something on my own initiative, it always gets put down. I was very confused until I realized her motivation for praising me.

[@Jantonov1]

The worst, I think, is to always need external validation from others. I can rise and fall with how other people treat me from day to day. I know I'm worthy of love in theory but I don't feel it unless someone shows me. And then that feeling wears off and I forget all over again.

[@ChatieLil]

That’s relatable 😢

[@triplejmom7826]

Same. I hate that I do this

[@SandiaLuv]

That’s something that I still struggle with.

[@Sesso20]

YES. Thanks for pointing this out! Its a horrible loop to find oneself in. Full of blame and shame in the end. But having the courageous to face this and unlearn these patterns, is huge. You can be proud of yourself for giving yourself so much compassion to heal, even if you do not feel it yet on a day to day basis. And it sounds weird, but lately I have the feeling when I am talking to friends and family, that there is on a daily basis, always someone thinking of you. Noticing something that they know you like or do. Maybe they dont text or call, but they thought of you. Well, Jason, have a good week! 🙂

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

yes, if I could just get little "snacks" of encouragement a few times/daily, that keeps me going just fine.

[@bethab2]

I love how you preface this video by saying that it’s not about blaming anyone, it’s about being aware of our selves so we can heal. That really hit home for me so thank you!

[@Katimorton]

Of course!! So glad it was helpful :) xoxox

[@mistyfiello5262]

I agree. Because our parents weren’t horrible people, we struggle to see what happened as something that could affect our mental health.

[@mickadatwist1620]

I still have been feeling that my best decision was to cut contact with parents. It took me years to get there.

[@justin.maccormack]

I felt the same way! Super important since we can’t change the past and it doesn’t help to be bitter :)

[@sevans8784]

Agreed! Part of me wants to say that my parents did their best, so I can't say that this affected me negatively. But my dad worked multiple jobs (in order to support us) and my mom suffered from chronic illness. They are not bad people, again, they did their best, but I still suffered from emotional neglect. It doesn't have to be about assigning blame, it's mainly about explaining what happened and how to move forward from there

[@polinanikulina]

I hadn't realized that not trying at all was also perfectionism. Thank you!

[@shakurwonders5216]

ME NEITHER

[@Katimorton]

Yes of course!!! xoxo

[@ryanmccolloch4734]

When I was younger, my dad would say, "Do a good job or don't do it at all." I took that to heart too much, and now it holds me back. I need to realize that I can't always do a good job at something, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't even try if I know I'm not going to do something perfectly. Things still need to get done, no matter the quality.

[@rosakova08]

When she said it was important "listen up", I was like, not me I don't care about this section because I'm not a perfectionist. 🙃

[@seriouscat2231]

My mother always said that I am so good and talented I don't need to put in any effort, so it's not a big thing to always aim for and ask for perfection. I think I am slightly above average, but no better than that. When I complained, her answer was "pity me and pity your sister, we are not as talented as you are".

[@jenniferlynn329]

I broke my foot when I was 36. I was in town for Halloween and taking a friend's daughters trick-or-treating and tripped on someone's steps. I sat in my mom's living room and whimpered and cried quietly to myself. She had heard me and never came in to check on me. (I asked her if she had heard me and she affirmed it.) Growing up, being ultra-shy, throwing up in the middle of the night from stomach aches, I realized she stopped checking on me. I told myself that she needed her sleep (for work). But in reality, I simply wanted someone to care.

[@garysmith1863]

That kind of emotional pain feels like a sledgehammer to the chest. Deep and lingering.

[@LessThanThree76]

I’m 46 and I don’t have the energy or the mental stamina to re-parent myself. I just want to feel seen, loved, embraced and aknowledged for things I do achieve. I’m just so tired.

[@yzettasmith4194]

I hear That and relate!

[@LessThanThree76]

@@yzettasmith4194 Stay strong my friend! ❤️

[@yzettasmith4194]

@@LessThanThree76 I wish the same for you! ❤

[@LessThanThree76]

@@yzettasmith4194 Thank you so much. 🙂

[@penneyburgess5431]

Me too.❤

[@markgarland9000]

Blame may not be the right word but responsibility is. A parent that suffers their own trauma or loss and then goes on to severely damage or destroy their child , or even multiple children, is absolutely responsible for that damage and must accept it and do whatever they can to help recovery efforts.

[@traweler155]

This is very true and that should be acknowledged by therapists

[@Martina-xk6zo]

My mother, who neglected my emotions was abused much more than myself. She was sexually abused by her father from age two to twelve. When she was 12, her father committed suicide. She was a better parent than her parents, but not whole enough to give her children what they needed.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Being neglected period made me so thirsty for attention and care. When I was a teenager, my mother would out of the blue engage me and start asking me a lot of questions about my life and what was going on with me, and when I told her about a problem, she would say I should not feel what I felt and that I was wrong. I fell for her questioning countless times because of how desperate I was to be seen and heard.

[@katieg7679]

My mom was like this too. Totally disinterested then all the sudden intrusive and smothering. Was never really able to connect with her.

[@abbykoop5363]

I totally understand this. Then later, when I wouldn't tell her anything she would get all pouty and keep asking why I wasn't like my cousins who told their mother everything about their lives. Uh.... You shame everything I do? 🤔

[@9Nikko8]

I think this happened to me too. And sometimes after a while she'd turn some of the stuff against me

[@Paigelovesbooks]

I don't recall my mother ever asking me any questions about my thoughts/feelings/days/experiences. Lol. Kind of wish mine at least on occasion tried to bombard me with interest. I know what you all are saying, though! Completely get why that behavior is damaging.

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

I used to make up problems, just oblige her.

[@devon6623]

I couldn’t cry for 15 years and I’m only 26. My parents told me to be tough so I basically never learned how to embrace being sad. The constant invalidation has also led to me having a ton of indecisiveness. I’m happy to say I’ve been crying recently and trying to fully embrace the range of emotions:)

[@aroomahmaryam]

Big proud of you :)

[@StudlyFudd13]

I was never able to be angry. It was an emotion that I was not permitted to feel. If something upset me,ie someone calling me horrible names, an old man touching me inappropriately, being bullied, being silenced, being mocked and belittled by my family etc...if I were to react to those things, any of them, I was told, "You're too emotional...you're just on your period. It's just hormones." So I tuned out anything that made me angry because I was just too emotional. I allowed myself to be touched because I was too emotional if I said it was wrong. I allowed myself to be mocked, beaten etc, because I was too emotional if I asked someone to stop.

[@lorenzwinterhoff8049]

For some time growing up, I recognised that I wouldn't get emotional in the same way as other people, particularly regarding TV or Movies etc. I came to the conclusion that I was better than anyone else at controlling my emotions. Turns out I have C-PTSD from narcissists at home and bullies at school right through HS graduation. Now (I am on disability pension) I am often overwhelmed with emotions that I shoved down far too often in my youth.

[@user-lk9sb5ne4k]

I had a tough time crying because I felt like if I started I'd never stop. I did start journaling and the flood gates opened. It was good but difficult. I wrote some things I threw away because I didn't recognize myself in it-.I'd changed for the better!

[@mynameisyamell187]

Same here. I was diagnosed with an Illness but it could be a blessing cuz it means I have an excuse to cry lol I’ve learned to cry in front of people 😊😅

[@sarahwillson4364]

Emotional neglect doesn't just happen at home, school's can be very damaging. My son suffered emotional neglect at primary school being a dyslexic kid who wasn't believed (they didn't believe me either) and was treated as stupid by his teachers for years. His father and I have always believed in him and supported him but teachers can have such a huge impact, for good and for bad. He has since been proven as being of above average intelligence but still suffers the after affects of primary school.

[@reesedaniel5835]

I'm also dyslexic but was well above average grade wise in elementary school. Many genius level people were dyslexic and had Asperger's syndrome (were normal in a sea of abnormal people who think THEY are normal!!).

[@Bucelcpsdr]

This is so true!!! If I had the right teacher in middle school then I wouldn't be the mess I am right now. My teacher asked if something was wrong but never actually put effort to help me. Teachers need more education in how to help children that seem to be suffering.

[@Rain9Quinn]

Im so sorry for the abuse your son experienced at school. Schools,overall have made great advances in accommodating neural-diverse learners, but not everywhere…🫶🏻

[@stefaniakonstantinidou981]

​@@Rain9QuinnI work at a school, I see no advances, people r becoming more and more ignorantcon what children need

[@liana2136]

​@@stefaniakonstantinidou981Especially when they force kids to wear suffocating masks on their faces during a "pandemic."

[@robertsnorrason2494]

I’m 52 and two years ago, after 50 miserable years, I broke all contact to my so called mom. My dislike and anger had grown to a cancerous mass inside me and after yet another narcissistic “episode” from her, I cut the connection. Needless to say, it only took a couple of weeks for me to fall down the rabbit hole of depression and anxiety. I was immediately treated for that (group therapy and medication), but was also diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD), which made perfect sense, when delving into a childhood I had trouble remembering. I can’t remember most of it because it was one long trauma of emotional and physical neglect. Having a single mom with severe narcissistic personality (undiagnosed, because she, of course, doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with her), made me mentally ill. Turns out I also have pretty severe ADHD, and only started medicinal therapy for that, a couple of months ago. I’ve had schema and cognitive therapy for the AvPD, and I’ll likely be be taking medicine and going to therapy for the rest of my life. So I AM blaming my “mom” and I AM angry at her. But mostly I am heartbroken on behalf of my neglected inner child, and of all the potential wasted. Now I’m gonna have to navigate through the maze of ADHD, AvPD, depression, anxiety, childhood trauma and memories, and try to get something out of whatever is left of my time on this earth. Thanks for doing these videos.

[@timnsheilaconrad2321]

It's never too late! I'm 58 and working on these issues for the first time. Hang in there and congratulations on taking care of yourself!

[@j_freed]

That's quite a list of diagnostic labels, prescription medications, and forecasted needs for perpetual therapy. But I agree that it's never too late, your real life starts now. Cross that bridge and don't look back.,May you find the most independent agency for your life, by any necessary means. I think that's your birthright, not what any doctor says you can have or when you can have it. Good for you cutting shitty people out of your life.

[@SondraLongbrake]

Blaming and anger are part of the early stages of the healing process. No longer filled with guilt, fear, and shame, getting angry gives you the energy to propel forward. Once you reach a tipping point of more healed than hurt, that will change. You will always know it was the reason you were wounded, but letting go of the need to blame or be angry, because by that time, it will no longer be serving you as it is now. Hang in there! It’s worth it to do the work.

[@BeYounique...Maryanne]

@@timnsheilaconrad2321 Same here. I'm 60 and my mother passed earlier this summer, stirring up so much stuff I sought a grief counselor. I've learned more about myself in a matter of months than I did in a lifetime, thanks to not only grief counseling, but the grief fog I've lived through, making me realize even though my mother was neglectful, I still loved her. That says a lot about my character. I'm a better person than she made me out to be. Thanks for your comment. I appreciate you!

[@Twitch24]

Well, I resonate with this at 49. You're brave and self aware, keep moving forward and ypu have all the right in the world to be angry at your mum imo

[@IzMyVideoz]

7 Subtle Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect 1. Emotional numbness 2. Low self-esteem 3. (Pick the) Wrong people 4. Impulsivity 5. Difficulty regulating emotions 6. Perfectionism 7. Difficulty making decisions About how to manage the signs, please watch the video. 😉

[@arcadiaberger9204]

7/7, would not recommend.

[@cortster12]

Oof, also 7/7

[@janicetribbiani7535]

It was helpful in recognizing and becoming aware of the signs, but not really now to manage them, aside from seeing a therapist.

[@arcadiaberger9204]

@@janicetribbiani7535 There is no substitute for a competent therapist - not self-help books, nor kind friends, nor understanding lovers. If one therapist isn't working out, try another.

[@chriscohlmeyer4735]

Also 7/7 but I did have a good therapist to help me work through these issues even though I started with therapy to deal with sexual abuse as a teenager. He was a childhood friend of my mother and his niece was in my class through grade school... I'd think of being with her as he abused me. I started out on the wrong foot with my mother, she was sure that I was going to be a girl after three boys (no ultrasound in those days), I ended up bonding with one of my brothers but as he was learning the seven he couldn't help me much with those - I became "the independent son" out of necessity to survive. I did have a fantastic grandmother along with her sister to assist in giving me some direction and freedom even with what we now know as ASD and ADHD (2e). Then there was a friends parents who took me in as I recovered from a drug addiction and some years later a mother-in-law who accepted me warts and all and helped to get past a dead by 30 lifestyle.

[@carols.4252]

The one that struck home for me was avoidance under perfectionism. If I cannot do it perfectly, it is too stressful, and I will avoid the task like the plague. UNLESS, of course it is something I can practice on my own and master on my own, so no one is looking over my shoulder saying, "NO, do it this way."

[@BeYounique...Maryanne]

I'm like that too, but it worked in my favor, being self-employed is better for me.

[@kpoplover1901]

this is me too! I never realized why I did this as I would avoid certain social gatherings or tasks because I was too afraid of messing up. I rather practice things alone so many times than to possibly make a mistake in front of others. its somehow a way I cope with the world, but also so debilitating.

[@LaurieAnnCurry]

Same

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad thinks he is perfect and finds fault with me. He never apologizes, or takes responsibility; he expected me to apologize to him for his lousy attitute/behavior.

[@hushmychild6745]

I am obsessed with blaming my parents for their huge effects on my adult life. I get intensely angry just going back to any day during my childhood. I feel desperate at all times to feel that this emotion I have is valid and anyone who went through what I went through would feel the exact same way. It almost feels... good to be so angry. But my depression is so chronic and intense that it destroyed my life. I'm in therapy now trying to get to a point where I'm even interested in change and bettering myself. I know I have to make the choice to move on from a victim and blaming mentality in order to repair my life. But I'm floating in a void, starting from zero. Absolute zero, at 30 years old - no job, no friends, no money, no independence, no experience, no relationships, no drive for anything or anyone. I hope I can do what I need to do in order to finally learn how to cope and lead a meaningful life while I'm still here.

[@nancykelly9393]

Hang in there. Your life may never be storybook perfect but you can learn how to be happy! Give yourself time. You deserve as much time as you need. In the meantime, pick up some flowers at the store.

[@TeresaKalinka]

Hm just a thought, I don't know if it helps you. It helped me, so I hope it can also help other people. At some point in my life I found myself sabotaging myself in a way, so I tried to ask myself: What would be the bad thing about being successful? What is the disadvantage of being successful? Why don't I want to be happy? And the answer was: If I was happy, my parents would be proud of me, and if my parents were proud of me, they'd be proud of themselves in a way, because they 'made' me. It would 'prove' that what they did to me wasn't so bad after all. It would invalidate all the pain and loneliness I had to endure. Couldn't have been so bad when I ended up happy and successful after all, could it? So I thought, what if I start to be a little happy, but in secret? I mean, nobody has to know, right? I made a promise to myself, to the inner child nobody stood up for back then, that I won't let her down. I will never forgive what has been done to her, what she had to endure. I will always make it a point that any success and happiness now is only because I am taking good care of her NOW, not because any of this back then was okay. It was not okay, and it will never be okay, it will never be forgiven and never be forgotten. I never told my parents I finished my degree. I am thriving, my life is great now: away from them. I made it a point that I could be dead now, if it was for them. I am not, because of me, and because of other people who were there for me. This is my own strength, nothing THEY gave me. For some people it might work to forgive their parents (and other people who wronged them) to let go and be happy, but this is not for me, and maybe it's not for you. You don't need to forgive anyone to move on. Maybe you even have to promise yourself to never forgive in order to move on and be happy. In my case, not forgiving made me stronger and made my very mysterious breathing problems go away. Every now and then I'm asking myself, maybe I was overdramatic, other people had it way worse, maybe my parents did the best they could, etc. But then I remind myself of my promise I made to the little girl that couldn't defend herself back then: I will not downplay what happened to her. My happiness now is NO evidence that it wasn't so bad. It is only evidence of her strength and that people can heal from the worst things. I hope you will also heal from everything that happened to you. You deserve to heal.

[@kelleyaynne]

It sounds to me like you'll get 'it' done. You haven't any other choice. ❤️

[@Sesso20]

@@TeresaKalinka Thank you so much for this compassionate and insightful reply. So glad to see that it helped you to move on and finally give yourself permission to be happy and successful. I think it is a very strong point, not to forgive, if it means invalidating the experiences that you had in the past. Will read this again and see how I could implement into this into my life. Thanks again. 🙂

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

It's Ok to blame sometimes. I have to blame myself sometimes, so it's only fair that the parents take some blame, too. They were bigger and knew more. We were small, and needed them.

[@NicholeTallent]

I now understand why I procrastinate everything. And I mean everything. If it's not almost on fire I put off taking care of it. Thank you.

[@XxMadz007]

A checklist for parents might be a good video idea! How can you as a parent know you're meeting your child's emotional needs? Something to try and help prevent emotional neglect from a young age

[@ah5721]

I'm a parent trying to overcome childhood negligent, I need help engaging my kids

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

In all honesty, if you are asking yourself this question then I suggest that you seek therapy, maybe a trauma specialist. They will help you navigate your blindspots much better and more genuinely than any checklist ever could. (Also look up "Attachment styles theory")

[@warriormamma8098]

Therapy is a luxury most can not afford. I am grateful that not only do I have a therapist but my 16 & 22 yr old who still live at home also do. Mostly for anxiety and ADHD. I was attracted to this video to see if I am meeting their needs well enough. It did not offer much guidance in that regard.

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

@@warriormamma8098 I have given it a little more thought and, as someone who has been emotionally neglected and would die to see her parents making an honest effort to make things right, I feel that I have something I can say to you, hopefully it helps. Make sure to demonstrate to your children that they are valued and seen and validated for the people that they are (the good and the bad as well), and not for whom they are expected to be. That your love for them is deep and unconditional, and they don't need to walk on eggshells around you because your bond is open, stable and respectful on both ends.

[@1stcavw247]

Your an idiot. A fricken checklist

[@lostusaslambus]

I knew that my parents were emotionally neglectful but it's been hard seeing my mom respond (or not respond, rather) to my daughter. Literally every time she cries or whines my mom brings her to me and says "I don't know why she's crying." I know my mom doesn't have the "bandwidth" to deal with her own emotions so another person's is impossible, but it's sad to see.

[@marcelusdarcy]

I'm the same with my mother watching her babysit my cousin's daughter.. when she's trying to calm her down when she's crying she says in her worried but trying to be kind raised voice 'why are you crying??? you don't need to cry! it's ok, stop crying!!!' Like that's just invalidating the emotion the child is feeling

[@rubylace9963]

my mom is the opposite .. she gives my nieces so much love and attention. It makes me feel sad that I wasn't worthy of that and makes me feel guilty for feeling envious of a child.

[@cyndeetaylor]

I can so relate to parents with no emotional "bandwidth."

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

​@@rubylace9963 maybe that's a conversation you can have with your mother, if you feel like she's healing from whatever made her be emotionally neglectful towards yourself?

[@allieeverett9017]

My mother was like this with her grandchildren. She quickly moved three states away so she wouldn't have to deal with them. Sent birthday cards until they were 18, then stopped... she was done with her duty because they were grown.

[@RestingBeachFace]

I’m a 64 year old woman and had an emotionally distant father, who was very critical. I identify with every single one of these!! 😳🤯Every. single. one. I have always blamed myself for my poor emotional maturity. My parents always told me to “go to your room until you can be pleasant.” Wow wow wow. Thank you so much for this!! I feel so relieved to know that it’s not that in a bad person! You just lifted a huge burden off my shoulders. This is incredible. I wanted to cry while watching this but I couldn’t. Thank you, thank you thank you for making me feel validated! ❤ My parents withdrew approval when I was “bad.” I didn’t feel acceptable unless I was perfect. My mind is blown.

[@solosupermom]

that makes me angry...they were allowed to be out of their rooms when they weren't being "pleasant". But I relate to you very much. I had to be perfect in order to receive love and adoration...no wonder I don't do anything that I don't do perfectly.

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

'Go to room until you can be pleasant!' I had exactly that one! 😂

[@jillybe1873]

Are you me?😮

[@mynameisyamell187]

Awwwww, saaaaame

[@sufficientwalrus]

If you read this and grew up being gaslight about how differently you were treated than your siblings, I hear you! You were right. It wasn't fair. It didn't feel right because it wasn't.

[@Imsoprettyyk]

Thank you 😊

[@Pinkcouture111]

Thank you

[@wettaloca2923]

😢🤗🫂♥️

[@Auggies1956]

I was physically and emotionally abused by a live in. Mother wasn't a whole lot better. I married at age twenty and kept my promise I made as a kid to not pass on, what I faced as a kid, and would not affect my future fatherly responsibility. I have two good adult kids that today I'm proud of.

[@Katimorton]

I am so sorry you went through that but amazing job breaking the cycle and raising 2 amazing adults!! xoxo

[@Auggies1956]

@Babs Kaz Big hugs coming your way.

[@gwynadams4069]

Picking the wrong people... I always pick the wrong best friend. Not just romantic relationships.

[@heatherwebber9747]

My Mother nagged all the time saying things like “You always have to do it your way” meanwhile I was trying very hard to do it her way so she didn’t nag. so I don’t express or know my emotions until I meltdown. I have found out I’m also autistic.

[@sp-1973]

I am adopted, I was never told 'I love you' by my parents, financially I was secure and still am, but at 49 years old they've still never said 'I love you'

[@michelleaththas659]

I was not adopted but I never heard my parents saying I love you to me, I never had a hug, never showed any affection. Did not know how a hug could feel…….

[@helilovee]

Same... I was not adopted either, but they never said "I love you" growing up. And definitely not any physical affection.

[@sydney100757]

I had two traumatized parents trying to raise an undiagnosed adhd child. It sucks seeing the why and being a bit empathetic while knowing you're justified in being hurt by it

[@nancykelly9393]

I was in a bad relationship for a long time. I was aware that it was bad but accepted it. I used to say jokingly "he really doesn't like me, but it's okay, I'm used to it, my mom didn't like me either." Obviously not good at taking care of myself. I knew I wasn't capable of a healthy relationship, so figured it was as good as it would get. 70 now, no relationships. I did try therapy often, OFTEN, but didn't change much.

[@Youreacashier]

oh Dear! I used to think that exact same thing and felt that way from the beginning of being interested in boys.

[@frankenmama542]

I had all seven signs from childhood well into my adult life. It wasn't until I was 50 years old and realized that I was no longer looking at the years ahead of me but how many I had left and I didn't want to spend it being miserable, so I decided to take a good look at my life and see if I could reconcile with my past. I started keeping a diary of all the things from my childhood like, " Stop feeling sorry for yourself" to "Nobody wants to hear you whine" to "Just get over it", among others. Then I would analyze each comment, each situation and come to the conclusion that my feelings/emotions/ thoughts were valid. Its been 7 years since then and I'm still working on finding my way back to me but at least now I'm heading in the right direction.

[@norxgirl1]

One of my age old tapes had been "I'm tired!", So effin tired RCP at age 66 seems to be helping some, as well as making new neural connections so I can regurgitate and process some of the buried stuff....still isolative....

[@frankenmama542]

@@norxgirl1 Hang in there and know that you are not alone.

[@franceslock2058]

I refuse to be angry . Anger causes health problems. I am happy with myself ,not perfect but nice most of the time. I really don't care what others feel about me.

[@solosupermom]

@@franceslock2058 I'm truly jealous.

[@LadyGreyBlack]

I remember one instance that has always bothered me; when the Challenger tragedy took place, I remember being tired of seeing the footage over and over again, and told my Mom about this. She then got angry with me, as if my desire to limit my exposure was a bad thing. I was 10 when this happened.

[@MarciaMatthews]

Tragic day. She should have comforted you.

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

I felt similarly when the 9/11 attacks happened - I hate football, but found comfort in seeing there was a match being played as I flicked through the channels hoping to find something that wasn't 9/11 news coverage. Some news stations also have several weather forecasts an hour, when maybe a few throughout the day would do. I get anxious about those because of climate change and the forecasters just LOVE to highlight the record highs/lows/tangible local changes and it honestly feels like hell for me.

[@Relayzy1]

​@@ShintogaDeathAngelstop watching the news then, it purely propaganda anyway.

[@jetmoo]

There is no climate change. Research chemtrails, HARPP and weather modifications. There are literally parents and books on them. Then there is also DEW beams which there is also patents of. But u may not believe. What happened in Maui was due to DEW beams and EMP. It's mind control fear propaganda. Manipulating people with fear to get them to behave how they want us to behave. They want signal money and social credit scores. They want to control what we spend money on and they also have FEMA concentration camps for people who don't comply with all their rules. Hope I don't sound nasty when I share this. I don't want to hurt your feelings but these things are the truth. Don't let them manipulate your emotions. The states and the government's are abusers themselves. The news stations are owned by the people at the top and they only say what they're being paid to say. Then the news off. U don't need it.

[@jetmoo]

The bad things in the world happen because people don't respect the creator or guard his Torah. Disobedience means a person will be cursed. Obedience means the person will be blessed. But there is so much disobedience in the world and so much idolatry. This is why Israel have always been at war as long as we can remember and it is why are the awful stuff going on in the world now is getting worse. We can't control what others do but we can control our own actions. He blesses those who guard his Torah and saves those who guard his Torah. He is the one who makes the good and the evil so no need to be afraid if we are guarding Torah

[@youareannoyinmenow]

Needed this. I've recently started therapy and it's kind of turned my world upside down as I've realised, though my parents were always there for me in a physical sense, they weren't equipped to handle my emotional needs. Whenever I cried I would get 'be quiet or I'll give you something to cry about', I had to pretend everything was ok and force myself to stop crying, even when I'd hurt myself and needed a bit of affection. I had to 'be brave'. When I tried to tell them later in life about my depression they asked 'what have you got to be depressed about?'. I've recognised all of these signs and just thought they were a part of me, my personality, but maybe I can actually unpick them now and heal from my childhood. Thank you for your videos.

[@heartjoy]

both my parents were like this - my mom spent most of her childhood in a Native American boarding school in the 1920s - 1930s and she never learned how to be a good (normal) person there because they were treated like sub humans - it trickles down thru generations - I fought so hard to not be that way but I still was and am

[@Rain9Quinn]

Those boarding schools really fucked up generations of native Americans 😠 , the children (who survived) the most, perhaps, but like you, next gemerations as well, by having those messed up kids as parents. At least you know ‘why’ she is how she is, but that doesnt mean how she acted toward you was “ok,” just that you can sympathize,,perhaps. I think being able to do that is a big part of healing, along with self-compassion & noticing how we then affect others, & trying to improve. Its a journey, not a race. Sending 🫶🏻 & wishes for your healing.❤️‍🩹 im on a similar path, tho i dontmknow much of how my folks got so screwed up. I feel they tried the bestnthey knew how, and / but just really sucked at the emotional caring / control / understanding parts…😌

[@ynotw57]

Still stuck in perfectionism. It makes sense after you explained it. I feel if I don’t do it right the first time, every time, I’m worthless. I beat myself up for not understanding something right away. I tend to think “someone else understood this, so I should be able to.” And when it doesn’t happen, it creates such a frustration inside that makes me want to (or sometimes DO) shut down, give up, throw it away, or even physically destroy whatever it is that’s causing my frustration (like a painting a picture or working on a home improvement task), in hopes to never see it again. I even do that with relationships. If it’s not going exactly how I hope, I find a way to destroy it. I don’t want to feel or act this way anymore. I feel helpless to these behaviors and patterns. Every time I’m faced with an opportunity to do it differently, the same actions happen again and again, even though I’m consciously fighting those old thoughts and habits which I know are defense mechanisms that are not useful.

[@pennypie923]

I can relate. But as I get older I’m learning to let go a bit more. I find that whenever I am interested in something (like for example, learning how to play an instrument) taking baby steps helps. Take it slow and small. Gradually work up the confidence to make mistakes without throwing in the towel. And work on the inner voice congratulating yourself with every step. Affirmations tend to block out the negative self talk. I now play for enjoyment, don’t care if I mess up in the process. Also, allows me to be more creative and not so rigorous. Perfectionism can block creativity sometimes.

[@shayshaymann113]

I relate to this as well!

[@MistressThunder]

I know the phrase, "Don't blame the parents." Well, I *DO* BLAME MY SO-CALLED PARENTS!!! If I would have had a NORMAL and LOVING and NURTURING childhood, I would NOT be going thru what I am going thru!! There NEGLECT made me be like this!! There ABUSE, IN *ALL* FORMS are the reason why I'm like I am today!! ALL I EVER WAS WANTED FOR, WAS TO GIVE THE TITLES OF "MOM AND DAD" TO MY DAD AND EGG DONOR!! HOWEVER, they DID NOT WANT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF TAKING CARE OF ME!! So, YES! I *DO* BLAME MY SO-CALLED PARENTS FOR THE WAY I AM!!! wanted only for the titles, NOT the love! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[@theladyamalthea]

I think Kati was saying not to blame parents because a majority of people with CEN were raised by people who loved them and did their best to provide a happy childhood. In your case, and in all cases of abusive parents, you CAN blame your parents. The fault and responsibility DOES lie with them. However, you are still the one left with the wounds, you are left with the healing work to do, and your anger is only hurting yourself. It’s not at all fair, but it’s true. I hope you can begin your healing journey. ❤️

[@trinaq]

Thanks for the video, Kati. Even though my folks loved me dearly, and really helped me in a lot of ways, one thing they fell short of was handling emotions, leading me to bottle my feelings so as not to upset them. Now, as an adult, I'm more aware of CEN, and low self esteem, but I am working to combat these issues.

[@Katimorton]

I am so glad you are aware of it and working hard to fight back against it :) xoxox

[@Dbb27]

This was the most spot on video for me I have watched on mental health. I was dating a great guy after my divorce. I had a critical mother and first husband. This guy was fun, sweet and attractive but something just seemed off. I couldn’t put my finger on it and was going to tell him I didn’t want to see him anymore. Fortunately I had done some work on myself and had read a lot of books on relationships and healing. Me, myself and I had a long talk. I realized the thing that felt off was there wasn’t any drama in our relationship. No unrelenting criticism, no fighting, no disappearing at night. Once I figured out it was the no drama that made things feel off I decided to stay. Twenty years later we have a wonderful and happy relationship. Working on ourselves is so rewarding and the self realization helps us grow. Thank you so very much for this wonderful video!!

[@MegaBuuHuu]

I clicked on this video knowing that I definitely suffer from this but I'm already into my journey to heal. Watching this video made me really proud of myself because I could really reflect on my progress. One thing that is really important to me to keep my inner adult in control is to give every negative emotion a spotlight to tell me whats wrong, and it turned out to be so effective for me to figure out every detail about why something might upset me and how it's actually my inner children being uncomfortable. I can take the appropriate measures to take care of whatever might be wrong, even if it's just small things that shouldn't matter to me as an adult, I still offer them gentleness and patience to deal with whatever makes me feel this way. One other thing I also did to emotionally reclaim myself is to sort of adopt my past self. I wrote a long journal post about this but saying things like "My parents had a responsibility, they had their chance but now it's my turn. I will take this child away from them and keep it safe right here. This is my child now and I will love it how no one else ever did or could." Even typing this now makes me cry and so happy that I'm slowly learning that the past is over and I'm in good hands now, in my own hands.

[@lindawise5546]

Love your strategies to recover. You are helping others with your comment! XXOO

[@lynnegirard980]

Great advice, thank you for sharing ❤

[@keepingupwithchanel4232]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ you helped me

[@aMoodWithaView]

I'm happy for you, and happy you posted! This made a difference.

[@FriendlyNeighborhoodUnclePete]

So Yeah, this was me 100%. It messed me up long into my adult life. Thanks to the woman that I've been wife for over 20 years, I learned how I deserve to be loved. She showed me what family should be, and they are my family, not anyone I am related to by blood, screw them. Being made to feel like you were an inconvenience for the 18 years you lived at home can really mess you up. The scars are still there, I realized talking about it helps. Putting into words how I feeling takes the sting off it, so they helps. I love these videos, and I 100% believe they save lives. Thank You Kati, for saving lives.

[@kukey25]

I wish i could give you a big hug uncle pete and be there for someone you could talk to. Thanks for your comment.

[@lindac6919]

Oh, you don't have to be blood for your family to screw you up. I was adopted as an infant.

[@BeYounique...Maryanne]

My husband also taught me what real love is. I grew so much as a person, thanks to him.

[@joshnicholson2934]

Oh look, this one is about me 🙃

[@OXSkuldream]

Twinning 🔥

[@Mountain-Man-3000]

Can we start a club?

[@chaimleo5860]

Same lol

[@chaimleo5860]

@MoutainMan3000 yes please 🙏

[@OXSkuldream]

@@chaimleo5860 ^^?🤔

[@laraisokay]

Kati, it may not be a super popular video, but I would love to see how having a chronic illness affects us emotionally, or even how to cope if you were recently diagnosed (or a loved one.) I know it would help many.

[@TheKinderdoc]

I have had all of this. I was very smart in school and felt my sense of success there. I eventually became a physician. I still had low self esteem, and one day I realized that if I did not get the highest grade or recognition, I thought of myself as a failure. I have worked on this with variable success. I also grew up with 7 siblings, and many pets. I got almost all of my physical affection from my baby sisters, and my pets. My mom once commented that you could tell where I was because the pets would always be around me.

[@cfjohnson7369]

Emotions were a sign of weakness. It has been very difficult to really know that a full range of emotions is part of healthy living.!

[@Steve13C]

Yes, that's the message I got - I had to be tough and strong and wasn't "worthy" of protection and care. It's taking a lot to learn that's not the case.

[@Dr_Nutrition]

It suck how much abuse & neglect (which is not our fault & we didn’t ask to be here) negatively impacts our entire lives. I’ve tried so hard my whole life & still struggle at 50.

[@matilda4406]

yes, we need to care for ourselves as adults, that's right. However, don't be afraid to hold parents responsible for not parenting, because that's what it is. Poor parenting for whatever reason. It can be justified but it is bad parenting period. Don't be afraid to say it.

[@thereIsaidit123]

My aunt gloria always told me "I'm numb, I cant feel anything" I never understood her but as I got older I found out my grandma was extremely neglectful. She had 7 kids and 7 nannies taking care of the kids, she never paid any attention to any of them.

[@105C09]

I had emotiona neglect, phsychological and serious childhood abuse. It has taken 40 years out of 66 to heal. You overlooked something that affect me. Sibling abuse. He did everything to make me look foolsih in school, was verbally and physically abuse and this continued to age 33 when I closed the door on him permanently. Forgiven but not fogotten.

[@3catsn1dog]

Dear Kati Morton, have you considered doing a video on the effects of parental favoritism? This is a type of parental neglect but possibly more damaging because the other sibling is treated as if they were special. I can say the long-term effects of growing up being treated like you are second best or not important are difficult to overcome. This would be an interesting topic for one of your videos. I have enjoyed your other videos and they provide good insights. Thanks

[@kukey25]

I have wondered about this on a societal level too, like subgroups for whatever reason feeling like other subgroups were somehow treated better. I'm not of the persuasion that this should be the government's problem, but it's definitely a human being problem that deserves attention and a certain kind of validation, dont you think?

[@GamerNerdess]

I have this. "Why can't you be more like them?" is what I got a lot and still get from my parents. I'm 36.

[@BeYounique...Maryanne]

Great idea! My sister was the favorite. I was the scapegoat. My mother passed three months ago and I suffered much more than my sister, developing vestibular migraines that lasted two months straight (and FINALLY went away). I wondered why I was suffering so much since they were closer. Then I realized because my mother wasn't there for me. I was grieving for what should have been.

[@melsey919]

As most of the time labeled "the good kid", you actually get ostracized by your siblings and you are not really "treated" differently. I would go out of my way to keep being that good kid and pleasing your parents, and paying attention to their needs, instead of the other way around. I didn't realize until very recently what an effect this has on being "people pleasing" just for bits of love and affection. You keep trying but it will never be enough. Luckily, there are messages like this one to help us all at least be aware that there's an explanation for why we are the way we are.

[@nancypetrie5717]

As a senior citizen, I'm JUST learning this. As I learn, I become calmer, happier, more secure. When I pass, I hope to be a complete soul with a full understanding of life. Thank you for these videos! It was a necessary awakening.

[@sulhwayuk6228]

honestly never really realized that perfectionism can manifest in the ways you described- procrastinating or not even trying at all and the overall feeling of needing to avoid failure rather than striving for perfection. it explains a lot

[@Monipenny1000]

I had an emotionally dead stepmother and a short fused violent father who broke my spirit from abuse. They were both unavailable to my needs and emotions. His abuse and moms lack of emotions taught me to not show any negative emotions as well as control impulsivity that normal children have. As an adult, thanks to them, emotional regulation and patience (delayed gratification) are a couple of my core qualities that has served us (my husband and I) well as adult. Thankfully I didn't lose empathy or love but I have a lot of healing to do, I'm working on it.

[@jmbproductions1838]

2, 3, 5, 6 & 7 all resonate a LOT for me. My mom was lobotomized when I was 5 and my dad was an emotionless man (thanks to being raised with an absent [drunk] father and a mother who made him, at 7 years old, take care of his baby sister - as in everything except breastfeeding). Neither of them had much of a choice in the matter, but it has left me an emotional rollercoaster/perfectionistic/totally indecisive and unmotivated/lowest self esteem man who often picks people who just want to use him for what tasks he can do for them. That was a spot on video. Now if only I could overcome all that stuff; THAT would be the mother of all videos. :P

[@angiejones968]

I just turned 52, I’ve been in therapy way over 10 years. I’ve just began to scratch the surface. I myself got in therapy way to late. Now that my kids are adults I see how bad I screwed them up so bad. Everything you have said I’ve check all 7 boxes. When I identify or even noticed I just realize all the work I still have to do. This road is long. I’m ready to give up

[@kathysliceidaho]

Do not give up. Always keep fighting. You and your kids are worth it. I see you.

[@brendabignall9926]

I'm 55. I had a breakdown in my 40s and haven't been able to work since. I have been learning, healing, going to therapy and growing for years now. I had a family situation a few weeks ago that showed me that I really am progressing. I always used to describe myself as a love cup with a hole in the bottom or a living orange without peel. This family situation shook me up but I wasn't shattered. My cup is whole now and I have a protective peel. You CAN continue the journey to become the best you that you can be. You are worth fighting for!!! Therapy for humans is like water for plants. We need support from others and that's a good thing. Have you heard the saying: It takes a village to raise a child? It takes support for a child to grow strong and healthy. One of the things I've learned is that I'm an adult in a position of power. I get to love and care for myself. I'm the bus driver - all the parts of my emotional, mental, physical and spiritual self are passengers on the bus. Any and every part of me has things to tell me. But I'm the one in charge. I can tell any part that I've heard you, now... sit down and be quiet, come close for a hug, dance for joy or sit and weep with me. Hugs!!! ❤🫂✨

[@kukey25]

Ditto. My mom felt it, then i felt it, now my kids are feeling it. And im learning too late. Agony.

[@Dbb27]

@@kukey25 it’s never ever too late. Im 70. I am still healing but so grateful I have come as far as I have.

[@Rae_777]

Just because a parent had things going on in their lives, which serve to explain why they neglected a child, doesn’t mean they weren’t wholly responsible for finding the child basic care from someone. Understanding that the parent is responsible, and not the child, is not usually an example of shaming or parents. It’s ok to discuss that this behavior creates major health problems, because it is a significant public health issue that parents deserve education about.

[@BeYounique...Maryanne]

I agree and appreciate you for saying this. I grew up in the 1960s and my mother pushed me (and my sister) off on my grandmother, who raised me, while she ran around with various men (who were either boyfriends or became husbands). I never knew who my real father was until I was in my early 40s. I am 60 now. My mom died a few months ago and I'm finding out even more dirt about her and it's making my head spin. I'm not shaming her, but trying to understand that my grandmother, a single parent, spoiled my mom. She let go of people, even men who adored her, for the dumbest reasons. She let go of girlfriends for dumb reasons. She wouldn't even talk to me for two years because of a dumb reason. Her passing affected my good health, which made me realize I loved her more than I thought I did. She was still my mother, and I spent a lifetime trying to please her but feel short. Parents need to be aware of the big responsibility; and though of course not perfect, they have to own up to what it takes in raising a child and to make emotional sacrifices, not just working two jobs to bring money in. My mom was very generous when it came to having the best clothes for us, having a roof over our heads, etc., but what we needed was for her to be there emotionally. And she wasn't.

[@ushere5791]

my parents were damaged themselves as kids, and my mom was depressed and took mother's little helper until i was at least 7 or 8. doesn't mean they're not both beautiful souls--they ARE beautiful souls, both. really exemplary. all they could do is their very best with what they had and what they knew. so thank you for not blaming parents. that said, american society really needs better parents--more kind, loving, compassionate, empathetic--if our society is to evolve into keeping the best of the promises we make.

[@lisdosanjos]

I have BPD, OCD, depression and anxiety. This video was really helpfull for me. I've identifyed many things that happens to me and I had no idea of where these things came from. Now I know... Thanks!

[@shakurwonders5216]

MUCH LOVE 2 U

[@elliekerstiens1916]

Idk if my mom did it intentionally but her reasons were definitely selfish. She said she couldn’t engage with me emotionally bc I reminded me of my dad. And excused her causing me trauma bc of her of her, but like, that’s not fair bc I was her responsibility. And she failed so bad at it.

[@user-sf7fm1bi1p]

I heavily relate to 6 out of the 7. Was suspecting childhood emotional neglect was responsible for most of my issues, and this really makes it evident...

[@mildredstone5069]

Hi Kati, could you maybe do a section or whole video on how to get passed the anger we might have for dealing with CEN and how to get past wanting to blame our caregivers all the time and instead putting ourselves and our wellbeing in the present into focus? Thanks so much for this video, it was really helpful!!

[@ilovebooks49]

I don't think that the anger necessarily holds you back. You can do the work with the anger there too. My psychological told me that the part of you that's angry is the part of you that feels an injustice. It's the part that defends you.

[@vperez5906]

Hi Kati, I want to tell you that it's because of you , that I am now getting the therapeutic help I've needed. I'm happy I found you on KZbin.

[@Katimorton]

Awww yay!!! I am so glad you got the help you need Vinny and so glad you found me when you needed the support :) xoxo

[@elyaequestus1409]

I can relate to these signs to a T. Back then, I excused it as my parents being the victim of the circomstances. Now, I can see that my parents had/have a whole lot of things they DID have control over. They werent just powerless victims, they also had agency which wasnt/isnt taken. Holding them accountable for their actions in the now while taking responsibility for my own behavior is tough. Worthwhile, but tough.

[@silverghostcat1924]

I realized in my 20s that my parents weren't the greatest. We moved way too many times, so I had no sense of permanence or belonging. I'm not angry with them as I recognized they did the best they could with what they had. Imperfect people make imperfect parents. Nothing they did was out of malice, just the fact that none of us pop out of the womb with an instruction manual that says, "this child is going to be a doctor, so here's what you need to know" or "this child's going to be an artist so here are the steps to help them out". Parents a lot of times have preconceived notions about what their child is going to be, regardless of what the child wants to be or is. I definitely resonated with most of this information. Thank you for the information.

[@kukey25]

This comment could have been mine exactly. Thanks!

[@ithacacomments4811]

My father.... alcohol abuser. My mother ......autistic. So thankful for Jesus, Aunt, Grandmother, Neighbors, Church Family that were there for me in childhood.

[@DoloresLehmann]

I have 5/7, although I have to say that my parents were awesome, loving and caring. A problem that I recognize now that I'm a mother myself, is that we always try to give our best, and it's just never enough. You would need to be a superhuman to always be a good parent. My parents raised four kids, while both working to make ends meet, and most of the time they were just exhausted, and still trying to provide a good childhood for us. If they had some money to spare, they would spend it on travelling with us in order to generate great moments we could remember. Of course they couldn't meet all our needs, but who can?

[@Phoenixmayya]

I'm the opposite of all of this and my parents were not emotionally there for me....more so my mom...and I am an empath because of it. I read everyone and every situation...I don't end up with wrong people and I don't feel worthless at all, i overthink and anaylize everything...I do however over compensate. So no one ever feels they have to deal with things on their own like I did.....

[@emfeller3335]

I like the perspective of parenting yourself. It’s basically another way of saying that you are in control of your emotions, not the other way around. But it’s a refreshing way to look at things.

[@selkieslipskin]

I started watching this for insight into myself, but got to #3 and realized one reason my ex-partner always said they felt uncomfortable with, and literally why they said "something felt off" about, the friends of mine who are the most emotionally healthy and stable people I know. I was baffled at the time, but that ex grew up with severe neglect, of many kinds; safety didn't feel safe.

[@Phil1982]

The perfectionism and decision making definitely struck a chord. I had a strange combination of Mum who always told me I was capable of anything and a Dad who hardly ever praised me unless prompted by Mum. Never told me he loves me and definitely one of those 'if a jobs worth doing, it's worth doing right kind of guys. Even at 40 I'm still trying to please my Dad. His Dad was exactly the same which I'm sure is a common tale. I'm very consciously aware to not do this to my daughter, even at only 9 months old. She will always know I'm proud of her and I love her.

[@ericapoe]

This video came in the right time. I’m currently reading “Adult Children of emotionally immature parents” and it highlights everything you said in this video. Thank you

[@MintyUnicorns]

Check... check... check... seven checks lol. Some of these things have gotten better with years of therapy. But it's only been really recently that I've been realizing that the reason that I am the way I am was due to childhood emotional neglect. When you read the word "neglect" it sounds so scary, and you think to yourself, "nah that can't me me, my parents loved me a provided for me!" And while in my case that's true, they were also emotionally neglectful. I think that they were both raised that way themselves, so they didn't know any better. I used to blame my parents for screwing me up, but I've been trying to move past the blame and just focus on myself. The past is in the past, and I'm in charge of me now.

[@justin.maccormack]

I’m glad the preface was about taking responsibility from understanding and not casting blame.

[@Katimorton]

xoxox

[@smashy_smasherton]

I feel sometimes that prospective parents should be required to take classes and have therapy before they are allowed to conceive…

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

Or adopt.

[@5Demona5]

In my childhood, if I wasn't well behaved, I wasn't loved. Now as an adult, my husband might get mad at me, and then go to hug me afterwards, and I tense up. Cause "why are you loving me while you're angry? I do not deserve love at this moment." And I'm still trying to recover from that unhealthy way of thinking.

[@krissyaguilar1814]

Awwwwww i want someone like that 😢

[@freetinkerer3878]

Dang, I thought I had found all the psychology resources I’d ever love… but your grounded, thoughtful, and thorough videos are wonderful! Thank you! 😊

[@lullustration5775]

Oh my god, I never realised that my brothers cancer affected me this much. This made me cry.

[@irenelakhan5331]

My parents were new immigrants to Canada in 1971. It was a huge culture shock. My dad was there physically. My mom took care of everything. But I understood and a don’t hold it against them. But it changed me. I decided that I was going to break the cycle. I did. My life is amazing. I have 3 kids and Dan for 16 years . Dan showed me a whole new world. He saved me.

[@solasolar1]

It's really crazy to watch someone you've never met explain your entire life.

[@PNH-sf4jz]

I find it particularly interesting Kati, that much of what you have said "strikes a chord" for me. Your observations and those of another presenter help me to address some of the issues that I am still facing in my life. And, the expression comes to mind, "I only stop learning when I am dead". I am still finding the process of learning very challenging and, at times, downright uncomfortable, particularly when it relates to my own children and my interaction with them. I am over 70 yrs of age and I hope that the learning process will continue to be productive, meaningful, stimulating and have purpose attached to it also.

[@markj9628]

Early in different times I tried therapy I was not understanding why these therapist always wanted to look into my childhood. My thinking was .."that was the past" that has nothing to do with why I'm depressed. Why I have panic attacks, why I hate myself, why I was numb. And I would stop going only to have my symptoms remain and even get worse. With EMDR therapy recently I now understand why my childhood neglect and abuse injuries have remained into my adulthood. I'm now willing to look at that childhood and work on allowing myself to feel that pain, let it be felt and release it out of my body. It's hard work and I don't want to do it but it's important so I can start healing that child.

[@tisme2888]

I love the way that you explain the information being delivered, it's easy to relate to, understand and with a lack of judgement that makes it very 'comfortable' for lack of a better word. I am able to take what you are teaching as help as opposed to criticism. Thanks for this 🙂

[@JennyGaston]

Such an informative video. ❤️As we re-parent ourselves, we start to love ourselves more and less like to need validation from others. We then trust our decisions better. Keep the videos coming 👏🏾

[@michelemaliano7860]

Having recently recognized that I parented my parents; I also recognized they were neglectful often. I have been working on this and I love the term, learning to parent ourselves.

[@beautifulday1665]

I recognize every single one of these signs!! Thank you for your awesome informations and telling us that WE are responsible for whether or not we want to change this emotional distortion. Thank you from the bottom of my heart❤

[@rachaelself442]

Hi Kati, I just wanted to say thank you so much for the ways you describe and breakdown the emotions and situations. I'm greatful for your help! Also I have others that have emotional struggles like this, I am greatful that I can share your videos with them to help them as well! May God Bless You and I pray that People continue to get the help through your videos!

[@raeorion]

Got my worries about my 13 year old, I became his step mom suddenly when I was only 21, surely made my own mistakes, but his bio-mom was absolutely egregious and shameless about her neglect, yet also using him like a cute accessory when it was convenient. It's been almost 2 years since we last saw her, she's gone off the deep end with fentanyl and it's terrible to try to imagine how she could abandon her son like this. We've always tried to make sure he could stay in touch with her, as long as it was safe, but we knew she had a drug problem and didn't want that by itself to prevent him from being able to know his mom. She made her own decisions, she had a horrifically traumatic childhood herself, but at some point you've got to try to do better. Idk if maybe she thinks keeping herself out of his life is what's better, or if she even thinks about it. I'm sure there are moments when she does, it's just so sad to watch how it's numbed and hurt our sweet little boy so much. I think his dad and I are attentive enough to his needs that I hope he can pursue happy and healthy relationships himself when he's ready.

[@norxgirl1]

So very sad....child abuse and neglect can be so intergenerational and debilitating....sounds like your just being there for your step son will work wonders in the long run. Bless you....and bless you for having compassion for his bio-mom.

[@c.j.9141]

Have you thought about these possible ways to offer up more support for the suffering young man ? Group therapy for kids who have "lost" a parent or books for him and / or you and father to help him talk about and try to sort out his feelings around such a terribly painful loss. Group therapy with kids his own age could be provided by county social services at low or no cost. To interact with peers could help him see others like himself process a similar situation. Love to your family.

[@raeorion]

@@c.j.9141 Thank you for your thoughts! I appreciate the suggestions. I have looked a little into books, we are trying to get him a child therapist, I hadn't thought about group therapy but that is a great suggestion! We do talk to him about whatever his going through and we'll talk to him about his Mom as it comes up. He is kind of closed off about it at first on most occasions, but when he is open to bringing it we do get to talk about it.

[@julierhodes6981]

Hi Kati, I enjoy your videos very much. All my life i have been depressed off and on, and full of shame. Now I know it's from emotional neglect, sexual inappropriate behavior and some physical neglect. In order for me to heal I had to change my shame into anger outside of myself and toward the guilty ones, my parents. Only after this anger subsides will I lift the guilt off of them. It will be a long while but my recovery and working with my therapist has changed my life so much. Just saying there are two sides to forgiving your parents.

[@craigmerkey8518]

Thank you so much for the amazing information! As the first born to young parents with young grand parents, I was fortunate enough to now have known 5 generations in my family. It is fascinating how the same control, denial, and anxiety feachurs remain present! Interesting that over ½ of my family is on medication to help with anxiety as the remainder flex their superiority. Keep up the guidance it is very beneficial.

[@July41776DedicatedtoTheProposi]

You are so good Kati. You pause, emphasize, and elaborate in a clear way. Thank you for all your efforts.😊

[@bookmouse2719]

I have analyzed over and over again about what happened to me as a child, I'm now 70. Yes, what you are talking about is a style of parenting popular in the 1950s. My Grandma had TB and she couldn't take care of my Mom personally. My Mom was kind of koco but you know she did the best she could. What actually happened I really don't know exactly. But now I had realized my mistakes with my oldest child. I even explained things to my Nephew and reminded him that his Mom was very sick with diabetes and it went to her mind in the end. I have apologized to my eldest son many times. Now what we have is, just be our own parent and be the best person we can be. Stop the victim mentality.

[@Jae-by3hf]

I don’t know if I misunderstood the preface about no one to blame, but people who made a choice to have a child and then neglected their needs are totally to blame. Those examples you gave were the exceptions or at least very reasonable reasons as to why they may not show up for their child. By saying it is no ones fault, it makes it harder for some of us who came from such homes, to come to terms of it not being our fault and the injustice that some of us feel makes us feel unheard and angry. This idea of it not being anyones fault is a way to coddle current people with children and I am fed up with it, cause there is always the option to not have a child or to give the child up for adoption.

[@jovonpierce7610]

This video hit the nail on the head for me. My therapist has helped me so much with these issues. I'm getting better and working with my inner child has been a life saver.

[@youlookbananas]

Gosh I have 6 of those 7. This video really hit home for me. I’m in the process of moving cross country to get away from my parents. I think that’s a big step in my healing journey. I’ve spent the last few years trying to make peace with them and accept that they are imperfect. But honestly, and this sounds terrible, I don’t think I’ll ever fully heal until they are both dead and gone. For my daughter’s sake I haven’t gone no contact. So I feel like hat’s my only option.

[@susangrande8142]

Hi; it doesn’t sound terrible that you think you’ll only fully heal when your parents are dead. It could be the case. My parents were emotionally neglectful of me, and it took me years after my mother died that I only really became fully myself. It was 6 months after she died that I suddenly realized that I get to find out who I am without her. (She was very controlling. She felt threatened by my being different from her and not as she expected me to be, and I am very different from her.) In my experience, it’s also only after your parents die that you really come to terms with the idea that they will never change and be as you wished and needed them to be. I hope this helps you somehow. 🙏

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

As an adoptee, I feel similar - it does feel horrible to say on some level, but it's OK to admit it, even just to yourself and there's a surprising amount of people who do feel that way. My adoptive dad (alcoholic/narc/bipolar) died nearly 2 years ago and I just felt relief. My adoptive mother isn't as bad as he was, but at this point, I'm not sure if I will grieve or not when she's gone, or just feel a larger sense of freedom.

[@marieltr]

fractured sense of internal trust : that part is difficult in therapy because I second, third, forth guess everything I say.

[@mindfullymellow2323]

Excellent video. I went limited contact to be emotionally safe. Where you come from doesn’t have to mean that’s where you’re headed.

[@sanrise4748]

Thank you for pointing this out! I have always wondered the reasons behind my emotional unavailability but couldn't quite put my fingers on it. I am taken aback as this video just ticked all the boxes. I also love your statement that this video isn't meant to blame anyone. I don't want to put the blame on my parents because I know deep down, they love me dearly and they just did not know how to express such love in an appropriate way. That is why I have had hard time coming to terms with my problems.

[@alanbarnes4991]

Oh dear god did this hit home. Thanks Kati - really valuable video, although it was painful to watch.

[@drkatel]

This was really well done. Thank you! For me, the greatest benefit of therapy has been that I no longer beat myself up for the way I think and react. All of my unhelpful traits (most of the ones you listed) now make perfect sense in light of my childhood. I behave exactly how I was taught and/or conditioned to behave; each of those behaviors were protective when I was young. I “get” why I’ve been a perfectionist and a people-pleaser, where my lack of self-trust came from, etc. Deep therapy is hard work and can feel VERY uncomfortable, but the payoff has been priceless.

[@MINDSew]

Yes! I'm still working on it almost 50 years later.

[@wax9362]

Wow that was really good. I appreciate how you told the signs but also how to process the behavior and thoughts in a healthy way. By learning to stop blaming my mom (& everyone else) I have overcome much of my negative feelings

[@Woodman-Spare-that-tree]

Thank you. ❤ You just described me. My life is hell and you just explained why. What I have never known, and still don’t know, is how to change it, and at my age now, life’s opportunities have all been missed and won’t come again, so nothing can be done anyway.

[@kittypuppup717]

🙏🏽 Thank you! This is extremely helpful information. I recognize some of these signs in myself and I feel better knowing that these all stem from the same issue when all along, I had thought they were all different problems stemming from different things I had to fix and I was so messed up. Now that I know these signs are the result of one thing, it feels less complicated 😅. Thank you. I am very interested to learn more about your inner child workshop.

[@riviclaye615]

Although there is no one to "blaim", we can still view it as "cause and effect". "Cause and effect" can cause anger....anger at our abusers. It's more healthy to voice this anger on paper, without shame or guilt, than to suppress the anger because "no one is to blaim". It's ok to be angry. It's ok to express the anger--just don't stay there for years.

[@MoonlightStarglow]

I am having trouble putting words into a thank you, this video really hit hard Kati! I laughed, I cried, it was amazing, then horrible but out of it all I really really did LEARN! Much appreciated!