8 signs of a disorganized attachment style (sage sessions #15)

[@edwong4178]

I think disorganised attachment style is inseparable from C-PTSD and basically a trauma response. We seek the safe harbour we’ve never had, but every potential harbour is viewed with suspicion as early caregivers broke our trust and we never feel safe anywhere.

[@75ENVY]

Agreed . Diagnosed combined adhd and ptsd from childhood dysfunction

[@Nurturing2]

Nailed it, my friend❣️ God bless our souls. Our feelings are valid.

[@Portia620]

or we had this happen in a marriage!! Not always in childhood. I think if both happen big issues!

[@MelW669]

Agreed. This is me.

[@vanessamairena9210]

Exactly me

[@Patrice11300]

Wow! This nails it. A perfect explanation of how I feel. My husband always accuses me of making things up or that I’m too sensitive. He must be in a blissful emotional state since he never looks beyond himself. I must have developed the super power of reading other people’s slight twinge of a facial expression, a tone change in their voice, a eye shift, breathing. It’s utterly exhausting which is why I prefer to be alone. Yes, at times I’m wrong and I’m projecting my fear of rejection or being yelled at into them when the person meant absolutely nothing by it but other times I have read someone else correctly. I picked the wrong career by being a nurse since being yelled at is a constant. I feel so much better since I quit the profession 5 years ago.

[@RS54321]

Oh, wow. I can't imagine being a nurse...so much care-taking and being crapped on by people constantly. I hope you found work that is more attuned to you.

[@PurpleRhymesWithOrange]

I experienced this growing up. I survived my childhood by being good at hiding. As an adult I am a compulsive caretaker.

[@iloveTool]

I've never heard the "storminess" concept for disorganized but that describes well what it feels like - not trusting anybody, uncomfortable with vulnerability, roller coaster emotions

[@MelW669]

An ex called me an emotional rollercoaster. He was narcissistic and triggered me left and right with his mean behavior.

[@iloveTool]

@@MelW669 My last 2 exes were narcissists and the bulk of my trust issues come from them alone. I have to take yrs of being single to heal. I sympathize, we need healthy secure partner

[@mandarinadreux9572]

This is very true for me. I always thought I was avoidant but that's not all of it. I am mostly avoidant but that's because people are the trigger and relationships make my ego disappear because of my compulsive caretaking and hyperfocusing and hyper attuning to the other person. I lose connection to my inside and I become like a robot without desires, just the perfect mirror image of what is needed at the moment. I exhibit both, the anxious and the avoidant side but I dwell more on the avoidant side because it is more bearable for me. But yes, I realised recently that i am actually disorganised in my attachment. I mean, with a BPD mother, an NPD father, a lot of conflict, divorce when i was 2, being the oldest child, that's what you get.

[@RS54321]

People are the trigger...wow, you nailed it.

[@marconius2020]

Dr. Kim, I can (unfortunately) say yes to all the signs you talked about. I started learning about attachment styles about 2 years ago after I experienced a huge flashback. I was diagnosed with CPTSD. My father was a passive, distant man who left when I was a teenager. My mother is an anxious, controlling person who parentified me so I essentially became my father's replacement for her. And, despite trying to have a couple conversations with her about these things a few years ago, she will deflect or otherwise not acknowlege anything I wanted to discuss so I gave up. She is also a master at guilt-tripping others or at least trying to. I have an older brother who is similar to my mother and we are not close. Loneliness is a huge thing for me. After that flashback, I started seeing a different therapist who works from a "ground up" approach (EMDR, IFS) and has been very helpful. I'm in my mid 50s and I admittedly become angry and well as sad that it has taken me this long to start to really unravel this stuff. While I may never fully heal, my goal is to one day be in a place where I feel at least some sense of contentment in my life. I love your videos and many thanks for posting them as well as sharing your own challenges with us! This one truly fits me to a T.

[@SirWritesalot-z3p]

Anger is good, don't let anyone tell you it's wrong to be angry when people disrespect and dominate you..however "nicely" they may do it. Believing in God will help a lot too. Take the burden of you and put it on Him.

[@vanessamairena9210]

I have a disorganized attachment style, BPD, and complex PTSD. What a combo!😂 exactly how you describe it! Thank you for sharing your life and struggles. It makes me feel less lonely

[@grievouserror]

Wow. This feels amazingly spot-on. Wish I could upvote more than once.

[@KJones-qs7ju]

“Self-advocacy feels like conflict” is the most perfect, precise description and explanation of an issue I’ve struggled with (and couldn’t ever put into words so succinctly) in personal and work relationships for as long as I’ve been a sentient human being. Thank you 🙏 🙌🥹

[@Thechangelingpnw]

In many ways, I was my mom’s caretaker when I was a kid due to undiagnosed and diagnosed health conditions she had. If she got upset, her health conditions would be triggered and I’d sort of get the blame from my dad. At 44, I’m seeing how that shaped so many things later on.

[@stella4977]

Thank you for this video. I think I definitely have this style, and all of the characteristics you described apply to me. It is still very hard to have people over at my home, so I rarely invite anyone over. It feels like my sacred retreat and alone-space

[@chicanaa]

Hi! Thank you so much for this thorough explanation of fearful avoidant. I’m crying through the video because I can identify with everything you’ve mentioned.

[@erinanderson844]

I would like to point out that the fear of conflict being dangerous can actually be dangerous....when the relationship is abusive. I fear self advocacy with my mother due to enmeshment, and I will most definitely be shamed for any individual needs, feelings, or boundaries. For example, refusing to view a sore in groin area, because I "grew up with a mom and dad in medicine" or she "took care of her mom...cleaning her up...going to the bathroom." It's not simply a fear of danger, it actually is danger to your independent self as a human.

[@zak-a-roo264]

"There's a world where I can go And tell my secrets to" - Brian Wilsons "In My Room"

[@valkolakk]

This video makes me 95% certain now that this is my attachment style, unfortunately. I've never seen it explained as well as here.

[@Ukraine4thewin2.0]

Thank you 🙏 for all that you do.

[@Louiseclaire64]

So grateful for your honesty and openess ❤

[@bearants]

totally explains my relationship style and totally consistent with my angry psycho stepmom. thanks again for your videos that put things into words that make sense to me.

[@nyxcole9879]

I'm in a situation right now living with a friend where I am vigilant to the fact i am being manipulated, and this triggers the crap out of my disorganized attachment (psychopath dad narc mom) and the thing i have the hardest time with is seeing where im wrong in holding my boundaries but i can see where im repeating them to my friend over and over so i shut down. I fear my situation is toxic right now but i cant see if its toxic for real or if it's my attachment. Our relationship has gotten harder since I've been healing my family stuff.

[@victorialong3813]

Sending you healing ❤️‍🩹 vibes 🙌 and appreciation for your content. It truly resonates!

[@ranaelgohary9]

Thank you for this video Hope you're feeling better soon!

[@jonstewart5386]

Good luck with your surgeries! I've got my 2nd rotator cuff reattachment for the year coming up next week and had my tonsils removed earlier this month. Surgeries are NOT FUN. On the bright side, I've connected with a sense of gratitude that I never had before... interesting how that came about after going through a rough patch.

[@princesseai]

Ma'am this is a personal attack! XD All of this is so on point in regards to my own experience that i can only laugh at this point :'-) thank you for your work, once again

[@princesseai]

PS : I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with at the moment! I hadnt watched all the video before commenting. Sending you much warmth, hang in there!

[@cindyoreilly2796]

Take as much time as you need. You could never be Frankensteiny. Your beauty runs inside and out

[@HeatherPaulo]

Happy healing!

[@marissabranch840]

I wish you a very speedy recovery ❤️

[@rita.amstlv]

This resonates so well. I didn't even know that I might have this attachment style. Thank you 🍀🌞🌠

[@REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh]

Yikes…this actually sounds like me. Like you, I have always said I was anxious, but I think there is also an element of avoidance there.

[@SeeCSeesCC]

That’s right I was an expert in hypervigilance, and as I learned, fear was a motivator for me and I have drawn that back in and managed. I’ve had to learn new skills and I’m just a tot some days.

[@lorimoulton17]

This was a really helpful explanation. I thought before that this was my attachment style, but now I know for sure. Thank you!

[@ATTENUATOR28]

Great educational Kim, very helpful. 😁

[@Nonyabiz370]

You seem like a beautiful person, inside and out. I like your videos because you really seem to get the things I have (DA being one of them). Also, you seem like a truly nice person. Best wishes for a speedy recovery. 🙏

[@David-bd5lq]

The video was very good. The strange part was throwing, " You might be Autistic." In there, nonchalant!" I think people are starting to convince themselves they are mentally challenged! This seems to be a new agenda pushed in the mental health world lately.

[@simabennifla8650]

thank you! this is me and explains a LOT

[@pdk9903]

This is me. Thanks for explaining this so clearly!

[@minooluna23]

I think I love your videos and your character alot ! These all resonate . I think your videos however r often about signs and less on what to do. While like I listen to Kati m too and she says steps and I really use them. I think if you mix your great exceptional empathy and understanding with these practical steps it will rock

[@crashspyrofan98]

You looked gorgeous dr kim sage❤❤❤❤❤

[@professorlayabout4878]

Well wishes with respect to your medical issues. Looking great as always! 😊

[@Daily_Bread84]

I can definitely relate to disorganized attachment. It is so rough. * Hope you are doing well.

[@savytigress]

wow this was a owerfulllll message - thankYou !!

[@karentyndall7948]

Big loves look after yourself. Amazing video my childhood. Love you lots xxx❤❤❤❤

[@susanvasquez6167]

Excellent video! ❤tysm!!

[@cassiestevens8382]

Thanks🕊

[@NYtoNC]

How do I find if you've done a video on boundary crossing mom/daughter relationships? I'm 50, mom late 70s. Watched needy parent one, helped. How move forward?

[@Tinky456]

And thank you for your insights x

[@YusufPeeally]

I am anxious attached person ,as you said in this video a person who have a desorganized attachment can developed a hypervigillance, mood swing like me sometimes i can be happy and the same time i become very silent angry and sad i v been through this so many times but i didn't understand it i can even sense someone s mood emotion when they angry or sad i can read By their tune of voice .

[@flyygurl18]

Praying for your swift recovery Dr Kim ❤️‍🩹 This video is a revelation !

[@bordy6420]

Diagnosed BPD/ADHD (Extremely High Functional), brought up by very two unstable parents (strong NPD traits). I don’t think I classify for BPD anymore, but still trying to heal my FA attachment towards secure. Hyper vigilance is always these, except if I am alone; tend to isolate quite often. It takes a lot of work.

[@jeaninevanzantvoort4042]

From birth to the 20th year i have had this upbringing. Toxic parents, one suicidal the other alcoholic. Brothers and sister who metally and physically used and abused me just as other family members. The mental health people call it a disfunctional upbringing. I,m close to 44 now and i have spend 13 years in a mental health instution to heal from this. C-ptsd never goes away but i,m dealing with it. I have my own house, friends, a lover and happy things. Just because they ruined so much for me doesn't mean i need to follow their footsteps!

[@SirWritesalot-z3p]

I have found in my own journey that developing a belief in God has been invaluable. Prayer is great because of course we still care for our Narc. mom or whoever but we need to care for ourselves by setting those healthy boundaries. When we trust God we don't have to carry the burden of trying to fix other people anymore...and we don't have to base our self esteem on how others treat us (because as a precious child of God, we have inherent value). I so resonate with being the emotional caretaker. My mom was so obviously traumatised and I just wanted her to feel better and couple with the fact that any negative emotions were invalidated and shamed. Turns out I can't save her (or me) anyway. Also the loner thing. Absolutely so much. When I was young and used to go to parties with my friends I'd just be thinking...do other people really enjoy this? sad LOL

[@GunjanChavan]

helped so much

[@Heyokasireniei468sxso]

thank you well explained hopefully one day i will reached earned secure attachment, I know everyone has good and bad in them including me , and that there are people capable of loving me, the real issue is I don't know how to be loved I only know how to love or nurture but even tho that sounds good it takes away from the roles others would like to play to establish a bond with me , i have to be vulnerable without being hypervigilant or flipping it so I can be in the protector role because its safer thank you

[@kellyschroeder7437]

Thank you for this. You are explaining me to a tee. How to break this ???

[@cascade00]

Do you think tho the being lost in an airplane could be channelling the fear of everybody in the airspace field, as well as, the events that are occuring now on planes with males trying to escape the plane out the passenger door?

[@minooluna23]

wow. ALL are true. I m surprised to hear these things. I always wondered why I m too thinking of my parents and siblings needs. since I was a child .......... and I m like 16 yrs younger than oldest brother. but they dont bother what I even do ... recently I m realising it is because of neglect

[@everythingzen8716]

Thank you for sharing this. ❤

[@JustMyAutisticalities]

Thank you so much! This is the first explanation of an attachment style that I can fully resonate with. Dr. Sage, how though would a therapist differentiate this from autism, as ASD is neurological and attachment styles are lernt? Can they be co-occurring? Thank you so much for your hard work and help. Best wishes for your health and a speedy recovery ❤

[@katheakaija9046]

WOW!!! Yes, yes, yes & YES!!!!

[@max-cs9ko]

Is NARM therapy helpful in disorganised attachment style?

[@Rollacoastertycoon]

Can you have fear if your parents were not bad but they to prison once or twice. Cops breaking down door was scarier than my military training. I feel moody around my mom I’m 33 now tho

[@YusufPeeally]

I really hate this feeling the hypervigillance , but i don't know how to heal it

[@darezarecta]

I've been trying for years, but I just can't figure out what my attachment style is 😅😅😅

[@teejaybrennand7146]

Could I have become this way through being extremely empathic as a child? I honestly don't think my upbringing was bad in any way, I don't remember any reason to be afraid, but I have always been able to feel people's moods etc. Or is that just hyper vigilance developing at a very young age?

[@XxWednesdayxX]

I know I have this attachment style, but how do I fix it 😭

[@ElsaThal]

🙏🏽Thank you for sharing ✌🏽💖🤟🏼

[@75ENVY]

This is heartbreaking at times to listen to this about myself . I had the experience to learn of this about myself about 5 years ago . Tonight you just repeated the same list again . 😢 unfortunately not much has changed .

[@RockingRebelYell]

I fucking hate my Disorginized attachment style so much

[@Portia620]

🙏

[@elan007]

Sorry. Dont mean to be offensive but... your microphone is annoying; ridiculously, unnecessarily huge!

[@Spikypotato.]

Dr Kim🤗❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[@LorE_aka-midwestmemaw8555]

Thank you. This would have been me, until 5/10/17 when my worst fear became my reality. I lost my only son, not only child! And the trauma continued. Again, thank you. Do you offer courses in grief and loss? Please 🫶.