8 Subtle Signs Of Covert Narcissism

[@CommonEgo]

If you've had any sort of relationship with a covert narcissist, let us know if you've experienced any of these signs. And more importantly, which subtle signs of covert narcissism have I missed in this video?

[@gloriachapman5618]

I have experienced all of the above mentioned in one person. Some in several other’s in my life. I cannot unsee this. Ever.

[@tiggerthecat5525]

It's amazing how convincing they are

[@bicho.cosmico]

I would add the confusion that they create in the environment so they can change the scene as they wish by manipulating everyone. Usually using the poor victim mask

[@bicho.cosmico]

I think the narc is also snooper and love gossip, but disguised as a "good person that just wants to help". It makes me sick

[@barefootincactus]

Characteristics: 1. Has everything figured out all the time, 2. Moral gatekeepers 3. Actions and words not aligned 4. Seem needy and vulnerable but don’t need you at all 5. Passive aggressive 6. Connection drops suddenly and they blame you 7. You feel lonely around them 8. They can’t handle no 9. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells

[@CommonEgo]

🙏❤️

[@dionneshaw9765]

Spot on my experience was love bomb future faking playing victim lacks empathy passive aggressive opportunistic actions and words did not align ..liars dbl standards confusing dialogue try to confuse you. Pretends to be humble but has massive ego and needs to be center of attention. Brags about accomplishments and believes they are high intelligent.. theif hyprocrit and loves to triangulate..acts needy but never had time gor me controlling

[@loopyloo788]

I knew one who slated a man for not paying child support (not to his face of course). Yet the narc never ever saw his baby son or paid a penny towards his upbringing. The double standards are jaw dropping.

[@stellar52]

i don't agree on the second part of No.4. The DO need their supply/supplies, they can't exist without any.

[@happycat0411]

Once you know they are a "covert narcissist" never tell them anything of remotely important or any information about yourself. The "covert narcissist" will just use this information against you as the covert narcissist has a high need to harm and hurt others to inflate their shallow egos.

[@ibrudejude]

Yep it's on a need to basis, ain't a whole lot they need to know

[@stacyharvey1383]

Yep-found this out the hard way.

[@Cuiositycola]

So true

[@leslieheidemann420]

I've seen all of these signs! The feeling of being lonely was horrible. I'm single now, live by myself, and I'm not lonely!

[@richgarey6079]

I found myself frequently saying “can I at least finish my sentence before you say I’m wrong?”. There are two ways to do everything - their way and the wrong way and heaven help you if you choose or even think about the wrong way.

[@vorbis4860]

I would love to see a video on how long the Hoovering process can last (for example when the victim was about to leave but got hoovered back in), how long they can fake the changes, how to spot fake change, what difficulties they have in maintaining this facade, what signs to watch for, how backsliding works, etc.

[@mamab8175]

Even when they apologize….as a victim..you still feel guilty because THEY apologized…CRAZY!

[@fineartlifestyling]

I definitely have some narcissistic traits learned from two narcissistic parents. But an important thing to remember is that CPTSD from childhood or prolonged trauma overlaps with traits of narcissism. So humans are quite multidimensional and it’s very hard to label someone a narcissist unless they hit a lot of points on the DSM. I am also an empath and give too much of myself, I am a people pleaser and I hurt for others in a very deep way. I think sometimes the narcissistic tendencies are a form of defence mechanism that come up when I am disappointed due to lack of reciprocity.

[@joemanifesto8742]

After 6+ years of going through the brutal discard cycle multiple times, I finally saw her for who she is. And thank God for that! I heard her telling me how much she loves me and that no one will ever have my back more than her, when she was telling people how vile I am and that I'm a pedophile. I caught her revisiting a relationship she's been having with someone less than half her age. It was always a legal age, but I'm sure that was her inspiration. She is still the youngest girl I've been with and she's only 4 years younger than me. I was constantly defending myself from relentless accusations of cheating when I know I have never cheated on her. When I confronted her about something she blatantly lied to our counselor about with the truth that we both knew, she wouldn't acknowledge or apologize. She switched to saying that I don't care about her feelings. That's when I realized that there's nothing I could do to love her through this. And I surrendered for my own sanity. And then I began the research to realize who she is and that I can't help her. Walking away hurt like it always does, but the resolve is easy. Thank God for KZbin channels such as this one. I've learned so much and am comforted in knowing I'm not alone.

[@danielskyles6184]

Walking on eggshells. So true. It's like living with a stranger.

[@kappyotheshire2561]

He can’t handle no…ever. It’s always rejection to him, he even says I’m rejecting him. It makes no difference what I’ve said no about. It makes no difference what my reasons are, no is rejection, point blank. 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@jasminejade5023]

This really resonated with me. Especially the choosing peace over speaking your mind part. That can really do a number on your self esteem and sense of self because every time you choose peace, you are telling yourself that a night with no arguments is more important than living your truth, than enforcing your boundaries, than sticking up for yourself. But it's often not a choice. Often we are so exhausted from dealing with the narcissist, we HAVE to choose peace for short-term survival. But in the long term, you end up not really knowing what your truth is, what your boundaries are or how to assert yourself, because you have ignored them for too long. It's like when I was sick with anorexia and learned to ignore my hunger. After a while your body doesn't bother making you hungry. It knows it's call elicits no answer. Survival depends upon learning to hear the call again, and not ignoring it. As soon as you start listening again and responding appropriately, it gets stronger and you begin to find your way again and get back in touch with yourself. And knowing yourself and your worth is crucial for survival.

[@gloriachapman5618]

This video has resurfaced things, feeling’s,and understanding of so many things. In a good way and bad. I left a 12 yr relationship a year and a half ago. I went complete no contact before I knew it was the thing to do.. All of this. A very big blessing in disguise.

[@CommonEgo]

Your no contact instinct was a good one! 🙏❤️

[@brynnleapierce5600]

The Covert I (was) involved with actually taught me many lessons (about myself), let me explain. After I researched and listened to “valuable KZbin channels” (thank you Christina), became more informed. Wise & insightful snout Narcissism, allow me to express at least one honorable mention on the list of many. The Covert Narcissist gets you (the supply) to attach to him, but above all else never allows themselves to attach to you), therefore, you will remain disconnected. Please do not expect it to change, it will not‼️

[@KeepingWatch95]

_This is something I had put together after being a clueless spouse and had been married to a covert narcissist wife for 29 years._ The signs that you are with a narcissist, can be difficult to see. What may be evident to others, may not be evident to you. It has been said that a covert narcissist can fool even those who have been well educated about narcissist. Also it may be years or even decades before the covert signs become very evident to the target. Be aware that even the overt narcissist will be in covert mode, at the very beginning of a relationship. Especially during love bombing. But there are common characteristics that both the overt and the covert narcissist have in common. One is they both are set out to use other people. They know this. They plan this. This is more than a livelihood, to them. This is, their very being. One of the traits of a narcissist that can be very evident early in the relationship is that the narcissist is very keen to recognize other narcissist. Narcissist are very territorial as it were. They will not like other narcissist around their targeted people. They will keep you away from other narcissist to the best of their ability. Using a variety of ways. An early tell tell sign for you is that the narcissist will seemingly recognize another narcissist just upon meeting them. You may observe this in that they will be mean or cruel to the other narcissist, expose them to keep them at bay, as well as expressing to you that this other person is no good. And this other person is a con artist. If you are wondering how the person you are with, can so very quickly, and decisively recognize, con artists and can speak their language. And seemly almost recognize a user of others just by looking at them. And if you think the kind, shy, loving, devote person you are with, is also, very street wise and can become very savage, at the drop of a hat. You most likely, are hanging out with a narcissist. All narcissist have a grandiose attitude. It may appear in subtle ways as a simple statement. As if, they where somehow given a chance to change anything about their past; their reply, most likely, would that they would not change anything. Because (they claim) their past is what makes them the person they are today (indicating that they are so grand today because of their past, which they mostly, feel bad about, and indifferent about.) Another grandiose attitude, that will most likely show early in the relationship, is their superman or superwoman outlook. That they can take on anybody. The bigger they are. The harder they fall. Is likely their motto. Also early in the relationship they may express strong feelings of vindictiveness. This most likely will include, bragging, of what they had done to others in their past, to others they feel that had somehow crossed them. They present a, don't cross me, or you'll never regret it persona. Early in the relationship the narcissist will test you with some type of socking statement. This test is to see what you will put up with, to see what you will conform to. And is an early sign of conditioning you to their manipulation. But the sad reality is, that they not only manipulate and condition us, but we condition ourselves. If we are not a willing participant, the narcissist will move on to a new target. But of course you will suffer the narcissistic rage. Some of the signs, that you are conditioning yourself to a relationship with a narcissist, are if you are doing the following: You notice that they can and will treat others mean, insensitively, or unfairly but you dismiss it and can over look it because this person treats you so very kindly and lovingly. If you are silently hoping and hanging on to the relationship, in hopes, that this person can and will change. If you ignore certain things, thinking it will get better. Or your thinking to yourself to just give them time they will get better. Because you know. Because you think you know. There is a good person, deep inside them. You purposely avoid bringing up certain conversation. Because, you know, they will just walk out, and maybe for good. Or you avoid certain conversations, because it will result in them acting distant from you. Or result in them acting enraged. If feel you can not tell them no without a bad backlash. If you feel that you, or others are in some way responsible for their bad reactions. And if you feel their out burst and or bad behavior is just the results of bad past experiences. Therefore you think it is excusable, and you think it may even seem to be beyond their own self control. If you feel your relationship will last because; not only are you willing to put in 100%, but you are willing to put in the 200% to make up for what they may be lacking. You are willing to forgive, and even forget any short coming they have, even though they have not expressed any real signs of remorselessness. You feel like you are chasing them around trying to find out who they really are inside. Another sign is if you feel you must begin to distant yourself from your family and friends (and as well as from their family and their friends) as to not, upset them. Most likely, you will hear much smear campaigning. And if you associate with any of these smeared people, it will upset the narcissist. If even with all of this, you find that this is the most amazing, perfect person for you that you have ever met. Then you are conditioning yourself to a relationship of abuse, pain and unfaithfulness. The narcissist (in the end) will prove to you, that they never cared one iota about you from the very beginning. One big thing I missed in this above outline is the victim hood card. The reason why my covert narcissus would justify why they would behave strange at times, would be to excuse themselves because they were a victim in the past. “I'm an over comer” was one of her favorite sayings pertaining to her behaviors. Victim hood card can always be used to redirect their bad behavior to their feelings of victim hood. How dare you question their bad behavior with facts? They are the one's that are victim. The narcissist will do their best to convince others to not believe you (as if it's a hobby to them). They will smear your credibility. And even cause you to question you own mental stability. This is their ultimate prize with you. In effort to save your relationship you will find that you will rely upon the narcissist to the point that you will believe the narcissist over what your own deceitful lying eyes see, and your lying ears hear. And what your common sense tells you.

[@pamelamuench4900]

You have perfectly described my ex narc. Yes, they must use the same “play book”. He used to continuously say “you never listen to me”. I actually overheard him talking with a customer service individual once, and he told them that people never listened to him. He had cheated on me once and had afterwards asked me to come back to him which I did. Afterwards, he started showing signs of being bored, disinterested and critical of me. I suggested to him that I thought he was maybe interested in a new woman, and he went ballistic and followed with his usual silent treatments and criticisms. He was like two people. Dr. Jekyll and Hyde.

[@CommonEgo]

The Dr jekyll Mr hyde comparison is always spot on 🙏❤️

[@sheric4481]

This all sounds very familiar unfortunately! Thanks for a good video Christina 🙏

[@resilient8788]

I got the " you just don't listen" all the time amoung countless other gaslighting techniques, victim role play, blame shifting, reactive abuse, etc... They are soul sapping vultures. Pure evil once they know that you know for fear of exposure, not that they are worth another ounce of time. While he was saying it he would raise his arms up half way with his fists clinched and growl. This being the same person that would say, "don't talk to me like I'm 12." He also would call me Jeckel and Hyde or tell me I was in one of my menopausal moods just so he could leave to go out drinking/ cheating, Then he would tell everyone that I kicked him out for the night. Not true of course but he is king of playing the victim. He's gone now, finally! Sadly, squatters have rights as it took 5 months to get him out even with eviction papers. He now has stage 4 throat cancer. Karma happens.

[@resilient8788]

@@CommonEgo I just know they listen to these videos as he (covert narc) would always call me Jeckle and Hyde. They know exactly what they are doing. They are an undescrible kind of premeditated evil. He's been gone 2 years now and I still have moments of dwelling on the countless offenses and insolence. Still, he taught me a lot about my self. I'm a stronger person more self reflective now. Life lesson learned...the hard way, but nonetheless learned to where it struck.

[@anthonyhettinger9702]

They.go tell their friend how.you are right but you will never be allowed to know it while being knowing forced to do something wrong just to prove you.wrong while acknowledge your.right!!!

[@monicahocking1507]

It's the movie ground hog day. It never changes.

[@williampleasant9563]

Hi, all of those nine signs that you described, fits my ex girlfriend to a tea. We were together two and a half years, to make it short I confronted her one day about being silent all day long and she got mad and then broke up with me and then left. So after she left I looked up on KZbin silent treatment and boom! That’s when I leaned all about narcissistic personality disorder. There is no doubt in my mind she was a narcissist . I’m so happy now. Thank you Christina

[@left-handedstan4506]

"That’s when I learned all about narcissistic personality disorder. There is no doubt in my mind she was a narcissist . I’m so happy now." I know what you meant with that, but reading that out loud is kinda' funny.

[@adamroth6595]

I experienced all of them… You forgot the triangulation. Looking back, I saw this on many levels. My kids, the grandparents, my dad, my sister. The triangulation was crazy! If they cannot be your cheerleader (man or woman) then why have them in your life. Call them out on their BS. I did and it blew up. Exposure is inevitable with a sigma empath.

[@gloriachapman5618]

Yes and that too. To many times to count.

[@bicho.cosmico]

You are right! In the triangulation, anyone is better than us. Always and in any subject. I used to get really mad about it, but nowadays I can realize that's only to make me feel bad, and I just refuse ro feel bad. I've learn to "smile and wave" (like the Madagascar penguins 😅) to the triangulation

[@guntertorfs6486]

Hi Christina. Two years ago i dealt with a covert narcissist. You started your channel and you helped me a lot with your helpful , detailed , empathic videos. The narcisissist was banned from my life. Thank you. Because i didn't want to be reminded of her , i stopped watching your videos. Nothing to do with you , as pleasant and warm a person you are. ( judging from your videos ) Starting to watch them again , just out of interest. I love the example about the TV. So recognizable. Looking good , by the way.

[@KeepingWatch95]

_You have put together a very, very good video._ _This is something I had put together after being a clueless spouse and had been married to a covert narcissist wife for 29 years._ The signs that you are with a narcissist, can be difficult to see. What may be evident to others, may not be evident to you. It has been said that a covert narcissist can fool even those who have been well educated about narcissist. Also it may be years or even decades before the covert signs become very evident to the target. Be aware that even the overt narcissist will be in covert mode, at the very beginning of a relationship. Especially during love bombing. But there are common characteristics that both the overt and the covert narcissist have in common. One is they both are set out to use other people. They know this. They plan this. This is more than a livelihood, to them. This is, their very being. One of the traits of a narcissist that can be very evident early in the relationship is that the narcissist is very keen to recognize other narcissist. Narcissist are very territorial as it were. They will not like other narcissist around their targeted people. They will keep you away from other narcissist to the best of their ability. Using a variety of ways. An early tell tell sign for you is that the narcissist will seemingly recognize another narcissist just upon meeting them. You may observe this in that they will be mean or cruel to the other narcissist, expose them to keep them at bay, as well as expressing to you that this other person is no good. And this other person is a con artist. If you are wondering how the person you are with, can so very quickly, and decisively recognize, con artists and can speak their language. And seemly almost recognize a user of others just by looking at them. And if you think the kind, shy, loving, devote person you are with, is also, very street wise and can become very savage, at the drop of a hat. You most likely, are hanging out with a narcissist. All narcissist have a grandiose attitude. It may appear in subtle ways as a simple statement. As if, they where somehow given a chance to change anything about their past; their reply, most likely, would that they would not change anything. Because (they claim) their past is what makes them the person they are today (indicating that they are so grand today because of their past, which they mostly, feel bad about, and indifferent about.) Another grandiose attitude, that will most likely show early in the relationship, is their superman or superwoman outlook. That they can take on anybody. The bigger they are. The harder they fall. Is likely their motto. Also early in the relationship they may express strong feelings of vindictiveness. This most likely will include, bragging, of what they had done to others in their past, to others they feel that had somehow crossed them. They present a, don't cross me, or you'll never regret it persona. Early in the relationship the narcissist will test you with some type of socking statement. This test is to see what you will put up with, to see what you will conform to. And is an early sign of conditioning you to their manipulation. But the sad reality is, that they not only manipulate and condition us, but we condition ourselves. If we are not a willing participant, the narcissist will move on to a new target. But of course you will suffer the narcissistic rage. Some of the signs, that you are conditioning yourself to a relationship with a narcissist, are if you are doing the following: You notice that they can and will treat others mean, insensitively, or unfairly but you dismiss it and can over look it because this person treats you so very kindly and lovingly. If you are silently hoping and hanging on to the relationship, in hopes, that this person can and will change. If you ignore certain things, thinking it will get better. Or your thinking to yourself to just give them time they will get better. Because you know. Because you think you know. There is a good person, deep inside them. You purposely avoid bringing up certain conversation. Because, you know, they will just walk out, and maybe for good. Or you avoid certain conversations, because it will result in them acting distant from you. Or result in them acting enraged. If feel you can not tell them no without a bad backlash. If you feel that you, or others are in some way responsible for their bad reactions. And if you feel their out burst and or bad behavior is just the results of bad past experiences. Therefore you think it is excusable, and you think it may even seem to be beyond their own self control. If you feel your relationship will last because; not only are you willing to put in 100%, but you are willing to put in the 200% to make up for what they may be lacking. You are willing to forgive, and even forget any short coming they have, even though they have not expressed any real signs of remorselessness. You feel like you are chasing them around trying to find out who they really are inside. Another sign is if you feel you must begin to distant yourself from your family and friends (and as well as from their family and their friends) as to not, upset them. Most likely, you will hear much smear campaigning. And if you associate with any of these smeared people, it will upset the narcissist. If even with all of this, you find that this is the most amazing, perfect person for you that you have ever met. Then you are conditioning yourself to a relationship of abuse, pain and unfaithfulness. The narcissist (in the end) will prove to you, that they never cared one iota about you from the very beginning. One big thing I missed in this above outline is the victim hood card. The reason why my covert narcissus would justify why they would behave strange at times, would be to excuse themselves because they were a victim in the past. “I'm an over comer” was one of her favorite sayings pertaining to her behaviors. Victim hood card can always be used to redirect their bad behavior to their feelings of victim hood. How dare you question their bad behavior with facts? They are the one's that are victim. The narcissist will do their best to convince others to not believe you (as if it's a hobby to them). They will smear your credibility. And even cause you to question you own mental stability. This is their ultimate prize. In effort to save your relationship you will find that you will rely upon the narcissist to the point that you will believe the narcissist over what your own deceitful lying eyes see, and your lying ears hear. And what your common sense tells you.

[@denisesatt7044]

So true . All signs present and accounted for. I have educated myself and will avoid any red flags like the plague. BUT I wish there was a way to stop these selfish deficient people.

[@thomasrathmann8886]

Of course it was very hard to disconnect from my Narcissist, and to become consistently indifferent and immune to her nonsense. Though by far the hardest part is to become fully affirmative that she really is this impossible and mean person, a covert Narcissist ! I always have to assure myself with videos like yours, that I haven't made a terrible mistake to leave this equally wounded soul. It will take much time, to really know that she will never change, and I did the right thing. Thank you 😍

[@josephvaz1260]

I was married to a covert narcissist lady for 22 years. I never realised it, until she started calling me a narcissist, then I started reading and learning about this, and then my eyes were opened! In the initial phase, most of the signs were not there in a way that would have been obvious. After 3 months of marriage, the below became obvious: * A big moral keeper, but actions would not follow accordingly E.g. my mother's house was a mess, but mine will never be like this. And she hardly ever cleaned, yet would be angry at me if I did... * Always vulnerable, needy, not confident, except when arguing with me when she would become the total opposite * Passive aggressive. I put on some weight after been married, but was not obese. 177cm and 95kg. Would still fit into shorts size 'Large'. She came home one day with a present, these humongus shorts size XXXXL, and she told me had to go to a specialised shop for them. Because she could not find shorts large enough in the normal shops... * I never knew her at a deep level. I always felt I was walking on egg shells with her. Any of my flaws would be easily discussed, but if I mentioned anything slightly wrong about her she would collapse. She would continue to ask me 'do you really love me?', following me trying to discuss anything that pointed to her inefficiencies. So, if you can't discuss this, how could I have ever known her? How could anyone ever know her? * After the initial marriage phase, yes, felt quite lonely. Like you live with someone, but can't discuss anything intimate with them because they would just crack. It was like living with a hologram. * Had difficulty if I said No, regardless of what it was. She would ask me if I loved her, if I cared for her, or tell me I would not listen to her, or just continue talking about it to just wear me out. But she was a great defender of No meaning NO, when she would say it. 'Respect my boundaries' she would say. When my turn would come, and I would say 'Respect my boundaries', she would say this is different, it is not the same. Very one way rationale. And yes, in the end I was discarded, just as described in your Discard phase video. Interestingly, she has 3 sisters. Each of the 4 sisters did exactly the same: * Fell for a man, and described him as the best ever since Fabio. * Had children with them, and when the children were in primary school, just suddenly dumped the husband * Discard the husband in a rather unfriendly manner, with much viciousness. I.e., in their minds, each of the 4 husbands went from a Fabio, to a Hannibal Lecter, within a few years. So, maybe this covert narcissism characteristic may be genetic, or run in families, just pointing out. Thanks for your videos, very eye opening, I know what to look for to find a true loving partner!

[@annettemoorshead7019]

This was extremely helpful, informative, and validating - thanks so much!!

[@bumblebee_ms]

All of my family, all of my exes and all of my prior friends have ALL of the 9 traits. So sad!!!

[@fidelmashelton9491]

This happen to me. Turning off the television, lights and headed to bed. The Toxic Covert Narcissist. They love to spend time outside especially at the weekends. Out in the shed on the phone or long time in the bathroom on the phone. Thank you so much and great insight.

[@heretolearn-m6v]

Yes, the isolation, abuse, lying, stealing, etc. I have been no contact 251 days, 6 states away! I feel like I am healing and definitely feel like a human being again. Just looking forward to getting on the other side of the divorce. Btw, she fired her attorney, alleging he was siding with me! She thought this because he was telling her the truth about what I am legally obligated to provide her and she does do well with reality. Now she's is representing herself! LOL! Thank you for being a ray of hopeful sunshine in my healing process Christina!

[@iNoThings]

I think I am to blame for the issues in our relationship. It never even crossed my mind to confront my narc about the constant lying, the fake accent in public, or faking emergencies when work requires accountability. I always just go along with it, accept it, and keep my take on it to myself. I allowed this behavior to develop because I was a coward to say anything.

[@Briarice]

All 9 signs…. That’s so crazy… this is some wild ass stuff I’m involved in right now… I finally left him, he moved out, 3 doors down to his brother’s house.. 😑🤦‍♀️

[@charlesdaubner1017]

I appreciated your generosity when you stated, speaking of the shallowness of the covert narcissist: "Because there isn't a whole lot of deapth, THAT THEY CAN ACCESS". Understanding isn't an excuse, but it helps and it is an effort to be fair.

[@outlinehappiness]

Your point about the connection dropping off….I remember feeling guilty that I didn’t feel the same and thinking that something must of changed with me. It was only once I cultivated self-love that I had the self-awareness to recognise that my emotions were signalling to me that the connection was wrong, and remaining in the relationship would have me operating against my integrity.

[@CommonEgo]

You definitely notice something "off" and it's so easy to internalize it 🙏❤️

[@paulwhite918]

Very true indeed. Well said.

[@seniorvespa2743]

Great short summary of red flags. It all makes sense and the reason why is that when one is in the "relationship" one never gets rid of this gut feeling that things are just not adding up. Very much gaslighting behavior, which is confusing and instead of enjoying the relationship and connection by deepening it one is instead confused and trying to figure it out. It can all be small and subtle behavior, which is very hard to address and if one shares one's experience with an outsider it can seem trivial, leaving the victim without support....... quite clever and very manipulative. Your gut instinct is actually one picking up signals in body language from the manipulator that the narcissist is not even aware they are making. Micro expressions, body language, tone etc. Hence it is very important to listen to one's gut, even if one does not intellectually know what triggered it, it's instinctively letting you know something is up. Naturally one would want to investigate further or try address it with the person, but beware that they have well developed skills in that arena after years of practice and you will just get pulled back into the cycle of rinse and repeat. Love yourself & step back and take time out (it helps makes things more clear) to reflect and ask yourself is this the kind of "relationship" you want. No need to stay in it or investigate more or try diagnose the person, the more time you spend in it the harder the recovery and the bigger the trauma.

[@izawaniek2568]

All of the signs are spot on! Thank you for extremely helpful information!

[@2007cgarza]

What I'm still trying to wrap my ahead around is how the covert narcissist can feel good about themselves over time. When the partner is done and putting a hand palm in their face when they start this B.S. and also walking away because life is short in the middle of their mid-defensive sentences (they being me :) )...nothing seems to change on their end even when the partner is done with their ridiculousness. Other than me knowing in hindsight now and also removing myself when I used to engage, for decades. There are medications for bi-polar, etc. but if there were anything that could help a covert narcissist, of course they would acknowledge and take that. Throw mysogyny into the equation and Good Grief :) During literally each of your nine points, I remembered a moment when exactly what you describe happened over the years.

[@keedledee]

I've experienced all of them. I still doubt myself.

[@SisterMinnie]

This was very well explained thank you lovely

[@trace3113]

Even though it is your only daughter that's this way, you will have to just let go and pray for them and your grandchildren, I've been through all of those signs and some others that have left me scared and heartbroken.

[@CommonEgo]

Sorry to hear that. I do like the strategy of letting go and praying. I hope it's worked for you 🙏❤️

[@monicahocking1507]

Yes I think you do have to let go and let God Trace. Amen.

[@trace3113]

@@CommonEgo I'm still giving it my best try, some days yes but then I start thinking about how things use to be and my heart aches but she is again in ghosting and this time is only been since xmas, the first time was almost 5 years. But I can't handle the egg shells and always having to do as she says when I'm the mother, not once has she ever shown me any respect or asked about my health problems, or let me be a real granny to my grandsons.

[@toddlewis2756]

Good luck. These videos I've watched so far will mess most peoples relationships up.

[@tiggerthecat5525]

So that's why I had people concerned about my drink problem. A certain person said they were worried about my drinking. 🤣 They would disrespect people and when I pulled them up they said they were joking And yes everything you mentioned is true.

[@eileen203]

That happened to me. He just got up , turned the TV off and I said “hey, I was watching that “. He answered “I didn’t know you were watching “. Like I don’t exist

[@lorenaherod1060]

OMG I’ve had that “turn off tv” scenario happen sooooo many times. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@lorenaherod1060]

And now he has been diagnosed with dementia! Great I’m living with a Covert Narcissist that doesn’t remember he’s a butt head. Perfect! Not!!

[@maxinehurley8824]

Had that experience of the TV and lights being turned off on me, in the 18 months before the final discard. Or I'd leave the room briefly and ditto. Thank God I'm out of it! Thank you Christina, wish I'd known about your channel a few years ago, could have saved myself a lot of grief.🤣

[@will_Iam61]

Wow, 7 out of the 9 check the box and one that kind of surprised me, as it confirmed something I have been feeling for quite a while. When you said you feel like you really don't know this person, it rang so true. The sad part is I have been with her just about 30 years. Also, at times I try to tease her in ways she teases me, but it never goes over well. She'll act like I just publically shamed her or insulted her. On a side note, I really like the colors in your video, the warm tones. Also, looks like you had your hair done recently and it looks beautiful. Just saying.

[@resilient8788]

They can't stand being made light of ( it's their kryptonite). They are black and white thinkers no gray areas no compromise, can dish it out but can't take it back. Any precieved slight it never forgotten, I mean for real. They are unlike no other, undecrible premeditated evildoers.

[@myriammeerhaeghe6943]

Everything matches...unbeliefable that after 1,5 year I finally know what is the problem in my relationship. I'm sick of all the questions that were in my mind...I could't understand what happened...on...off...on...off...I'm not used to such relatinship. The previous ones weren't good but not so scary of this one. You gave me so much clarity and support. Thank you sooooooo much! Now I understand...like you said... it's not my fault and I can step out of this. It's not his fault too, but I can't be in peace in this. I revive my youth with my father being with him. Time to heal ...time to find a good partner for life. This is my 4th relationship with a narcissist. I'm 50... this has to be the last one...please...

[@dawnhayes1231]

Yes to all the questions including the “doesn’t want to or won’t work on it”.

[@alexfrazier7071]

Jesus, I've experienced every single one of these signs with my now recent ex. So eye opening and reassuring to start to understand I was not crazy or over reacting. Nothing ever changed i always had to apologize for having an emotion or not doing something the exact way he felt it needed to be done. He would give me the silent treatment for days until I got on my literal knees and asked for his forgiveness and how I can prevent this from ever happening again. I never got an apology unless he couldn't fully talk his way out or he needed a quick resolution to the issue and it would be a blanket apology or him saying let's hit the reset button. I began to never mention anything toward the end because I was too afraid he would get upset? Say i was creating problems, I'm too sensitive or needy and I would have to deal with more stone walling and silent treatments. I had never felt more alone in a relationship in my life, no efforts put into us from him. I made the mistake of moving in with him and planning a life, one he dangled over my head and would threaten to end because my anxiety or my concerns didn't "bode" well for me or us. I wasn't even allowed to say hello or kiss and hug him when I came home from work because my presence was a distraction to his projects and he dreaded knowing when I would be home. And that made me selfish and demanding and needy to think he should have to say hello or kiss me. But of course now it's ended he is the victim and the fact I got upset at his hurtful words and actions means I was the unsafe one because he should have been able to say whatever and me not take offense and just do better at accommodating his ever changing and meticulous needs. My feelings were not allowed to be had and my need for quality time was not valid or sound because then he would have to change his priorities to give me love and that is something he isn't willing to do but is capable of doing. And now he doesnt know if he will recover from this pain or be vulnerable again...( yet is already dating 2 weeks after he discarded me and literally threw me out on the streets in a new area where i know no one because i made the mistake of breaking down into tears after the last awful thing he said and did to me.) Per his exact words. 🤯

[@reneemorgan3144]

All of those you mentioned, unfortunately i know and have been subjected to for decades. The invalidation. Getting up midsentence while in a conversation as if you were not even there! Very entitled, immature behavior as if they are better than everyone.

[@amyj.4992]

Oh God the feeling lonely part is so true

[@amyj.4992]

Only narcissists feign victim hood and I ain't no victim. I've always been a survivor

[@Rnk1885]

This just answered so many questions in my head. All these besides the connection part. I mean everything to a tea besides that. That’s freaky 😢

[@gloriadonahue7241]

Excellent video. Just in time!

[@CommonEgo]

❤️

[@gloriadonahue7241]

@@CommonEgo I always look forward to your videos. They are always well thought out and insightful. P.S. Your voice is so calming to me. Sometimes when I am particularly stressed and anxious, I pull up one of your videos just to hear your calming voice. Thanks for that.

[@michaelruskin1298]

on the money! Every sign is accurate... amazing how these sick peoples' behavior are so similiar..

[@amyj.4992]

My story has been repeated to others without my own presence

[@davetorchia9985]

You said it ,you are exactly rite,and I enjoy listening and watching your vidios and your very pretty also,keep spreading the word about these ruthless people amen ❤️

[@ORRENDOUGLAS]

I have experienced all of this and the jekyll-and-hyde always pointing out stuff I haven't finished that I started that they indirectly Hale's me up from finishing with their whining all sorts that's why I'm watching these videos

[@Nicole.SimoneD]

I have experienced all of these. Thank you for this video.

[@anthonyhettinger9702]

Oh yes their apologies always had bad intentions if they do happen

[@edlamircoelho5402]

My narcissistic parent used to do that too: to turn the TV and even the lights and the internet off while my sibling, my other parent and I were still there watching the TV or using the internet.

[@pinkposey8134]

Amazing and so accurate! Really like your format! Great discussion!

[@doberchic]

@10:44 OMG wtf. This is how that would go with me: "WTF are you doing? " and that's when the fight would ensue. Nobody's gonna get any sleep. Just no. I can't imagine putting up with anything like that!

[@denisj6089]

Signs i've experienced? all of them, though I didn't get any screaming or rage, for me it was everytime, I brought up an issue, she would disappear for some times days, as if punishing me with silence, then coming back saying it made her feel bad, but she would always just continue doing the same thing anyway.

[@Rose-dl6xg]

All of these signs with the covert narcissists I've experienced over and over again. PS Would you consider making a video on how empaths can use simular traits as the narcissist only with different motives? For example the empath may give the silent treatment to the narcissists, not to punish them, but for safe space and to have a chance to heal from the covert narcissists manipulations. Also us empaths have to use grey rock many times. Again not to punish the crafty covert narcissists, but to appear boring so the narc will leave us alone. Great video, and I could relate!!! Thank you!!!

[@alexismerrilldragonqueen]

She has made a video comparing empaths and covert narcissists and that's a GREAT one. I think the big takeaway is that empaths look inward and will self reflect on things they have done and work on mistakes they have made, whereas a covert narcissist, or any narcissist for that matter, will not self reflect or take any accountability, and if they appear to do so, it is phony.

[@itsafantakis]

It’s sad I went through this with my exhusband being married 30 years now divorced for 8 years….. but yet miss him and still love him……. To now discovering he’s covert narcissist but yet accused of being narcissist myself by my daughter.

[@brahman-atma8839]

All of them!

[@sunnydaye5942]

They didn't turn off tv but the rest resonates. Since I owned the home and tv, my rules. No help or rent, no more taking up my space.

[@rp1645]

Thank you so much for your videos. I am a big Narcissistic person. To make that clear from beginning. OK I said it. I watch your video to learn what I do as a big Narcissistic behavior. First myself I try and save my wife when she has breakdown from work. Her Boss a Doctor from the East Indian community, is a control freak. My wife is a Business minded person. Likes to be in charge of Financial issues in my life. I can say she has saved my Narcissistic behavior more than once on spending. She let me buy a Fire Engine. And a Backhoe. My Personal TOYS. But even though I'm a huge Narcissistic person. She bring me back to earth on spending. Anyway when she comes home CRYING because of her butting heads with doctor She only went to work for are Doctor because she wanted to help her with Patients. Anyway when she comes home with crying issues of butting heads. The first thing I think is how to SAVE her. Big time Narcissistic behavior. Instead myself started just let her vent. I listen carefully to what she is CRYING about. Just listen. Then I remind her to just work like a $15 dollars employee works. I just let her vent. She has listen to my Narcissistic venting for 20 plus years. I need to just LISTEN to her WORDS. What is she upset about. Have to STOP trying to FIX her issues. Just LISTEN to her WORDS when CRYING. Your video are so great in helping me look at my Big Narcissistic mindset. It is so fun being able to look at myself, and say. Just LISTEN, don't think I can FIX or control the world for her. She needs a vent person. Let her cry, tell me what's wrong. My goodness she has helped me through 20+ years of my and after watching your videos my big BS as a Narcissist person. Thank you so much for opening my EYES to myself. Your Education on this is so, so helpful. Thank you from bottom of my heart. My WIFE just came in so I need to listen to her vent with me if she has any problems. Just be a great LISTENER.

[@pinkposey8134]

yes ex walked across the room turned off the tv when he saw that was relaxing to me. and yes ignore, made winter months super long and dreary.

[@GoogleUser-pc6tu]

If you’re still in a relationship with a possible narc Ask them this one question; What do you love about me? *how long does it take for them to answer * do they give you very descriptive answers or answer (not generic) hard working, etc… The answer to this question told me everything only one that makes me happy 🧨🧨🧨🧨 Especially, if they say you are the the

[@rockmemama86]

Omg the tv thing yesssss!!!!

[@snksnk68]

I am with this exact person… it’s sad to hear all this. She’s using her daughter that lives with us (24) by proxy to do her bidding..

[@45karen]

Thank you for the information

[@kemeu_]

Everything you said is on point ! 💯

[@livelife5890]

That person got up, turned the lights off while you were in the middle of watching a movie together, because you irritated him by being happy. You likely were enjoying the movie, he saw that, and that bothered him terribly. The point is, in their head, you are not supposed to be genuinely happy or at least your happiness should be curtailed, or it should be controlled by the narcissist. That's what that was.

[@ladyoftheveil8342]

I am in shock, I had a college friend, we were having a long-distance relationship. I made a political comment on which he didn't agree, and he starts calling me a Nazi. A Nazi? OMG, then I got mad and he did not back off calling me brainwashed. This was completely out of character for him. Narcissistic personality disorder is everywhere.

[@billybob9961]

I just wanna know how it is you have been spying on me for the past 20 years? How is it possible you just described my wife exactly without ever meeting her? Truly amazing and sad

[@Sally-ih6ls]

Daughter and I had great connection until she married, then the connection stopped….I believe her hubby is a covert narc and is slowly taking her away from her family. She has discarded parents twice, currently….she was extremely close to us before marriage…she even told us we were great parents, now she’s doing this discard over a small issue. Is this possible she’s picking up his behaviours?

[@Bishop472]

Bottom line is, it's so hard to find a woman who isn't a narcissist and one who just wants to be respected, loved among so many other good things.

[@tomecawhitebuffalo5103]

I'm married to a covert narcissist.. I thought it was bipolar and everything else to make sense of it. He has ALL signs. Theirs kids involved and I'm stuck.. wish all this info was around 8 years ago!! 😪

[@left-handedstan4506]

hang in there. things will get better.

[@angelamarie734]

Wow as I am hearing all this i just start laughing because the covert narc in my life actually thinks she is an empath, lol! That is how arrogant and completely self-unaware she is!

[@attackhelicoptercat]

very nice video CE!

[@angelabrainky7786]

Thank you.

[@resilient8788]

He scored all 9.

[@mackenziedog1872]

Wanting away from them but they ard paid to control you. THEN WHAT?

[@9StickNate]

The Narc that I dated used this to Gaslight, “I can’t say or do anything around you! It’s like I’m walking on eggshells.” Or “You’re so controlling!” (This is when I’ve set boundaries.) It caught me off guard at first. I reflected and thought about our abrasive conversations; my past relationships; past interactions with girlfriends, coworkers, friends and family. In fact. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells. Covert Narcs do not like communicating and they are not assertive. It’s either passive aggressive or I should have been able to read her mind. I felt our conversations were shallow, empty and she didn’t provide a lot of detail when it came down to her struggles. Hint: All of her struggling and drama was brought on by herself.

[@rmboch]

So relatable!...

[@simonspoke]

2 months ago, my partner of 10 years said on the phone she missed me so much (we were living long distance at the time) and said she couldn't wait to see me again soon... I even heard her cry a bit when she said it. A week after that, I was on the phone again with her trying to arrange for us to meet up to see each other, and for some reason, that conversation turned heated as she seemed to be making excuses to avoid it. Acting contradictory to the way she was feeling the week before! During it, she was arguing with me whilst I tried to simply converse, and then she accused me of "emotional manipulation" for simple factual comments I made. Which was ironic, as she was the one using emotional manipulation to argue against me! I eventually put the phone down on her after saying that she was wrong to accuse me of something I did not do. Carrying on would have escalated the "argument" and she would have become really nasty and insulting as she had done on many occasions before. And so I waited for her to get back to me, as iI was quite normal after an "argument" for her to give me the silent treatment for a little while. However, this time I waited way longer than I normally do in these situations, and was getting worried. It was 3 weeks later, and on the day I was going to contact her to find out what was going on, I received a letter in the post saying she's ended the relationship with me and she hopes I find someone else who can show me the love she can't give me! I was discarded after 10 years together just like that! After her telling me she loved me and missed me just the month previous! I had my suspicions towards the end that she may have narcissistic traits due to the emotional abuse I had received over the years which wrecked my self-esteem. Over time, she had shown about 1/2 of the traits you have discussed on various videos on your channel. Some of them seem covert, but some seem overt. But I'm still so confused if it's just having some of the traits, or if she was actually a narcissist?! Can you just have some traits, and not be classed as a narcissist? It's been a month and my heart is still torn by all this. I don't really know what to think about her and the way I've been treated in this situation. Any advice from anyone would be appreciated.

[@alexismerrilldragonqueen]

You don't have to have all the traits to be a narcissist. Narcissists can shift from one type to another, so she may have had overt and covert tendencies. I've seen some narcissists completely shift from covert to overt with just a few alcoholic beverages! I would say keep learning about narcissism as it's good for you to be able to avoid these types in the future.

[@simonspoke]

@@alexismerrilldragonqueen Thank you for clarifying that.

[@50toinfinityatleast]

I had a similar situation with an ex very recently. We had not been together for a very long time, but we connected again. Luckily, we did not live close to each other. She has BPD. She was abusive to me when we were together, but since so much time in your non-she sounded like she had changed, and I wanted to believe it. But when I did not answer her message, quickly enough, even after saying she loved me etc. for a year and a half, she discarded me. Very glad we did not ever meet up in person. There were always a lot of complicated reasons why that could not happen on both sides. But I understand just about everything in this video. Also applies to BPD in one way or another.

[@simonspoke]

@@50toinfinityatleast Thanks for sharing. And 11 months on, I'm still messed up by it all, but doing a hell of a lot better than I was. We are both better off to be out of those situations for sure.

[@50toinfinityatleast]

@@simonspoke absolutely! The old cliché about dodging a bullet comes to mind. Take care of yourself.

[@liudmilaberezenko7730]

All of these signs!!!

[@AthenaVelecta]

My mother was the covert malignant narcissist.

[@bethhammond3592]

Me too

[@susieb7274]

All of them

[@anthonyhettinger9702]

I know them experienced them and then some

[@gregwashburn2901]

I had all of them

[@_InterceptoR]

9 only? I can tell you 49. Both parrents. Grandiose and covert. fook me man.

[@pam1557]

👍🏾

[@nryane]

The deep and abiding anger is the undertone of a vulnerable/covert narcissist. It seeps out of them in all aspects of their interactions with others. Only after 3 years of EMDR/CBT trauma therapies was I able to SEE the ex for who he is. By that time, I had known him for almost 30 years, 20 lived with him. My childhood trauma inured me to all the signs of his abusive behaviors. He was “familiar” and unconsciously my way to resolve my relationship with my abusive father. The subtleties of their behaviors and the gradual “training” to accept abuse makes these individuals NASTY! They are chameleons who get by on fake charm and the ability to con people into believing their lies. Their “moral compass” is BROKEN beyond repair! The “my way or the highway” attitude toward all people should steer most people away, but not those of us who have been damaged by someone exactly like them. After decades of attempting to heal myself, I’m finally headed toward healing. It may take the rest of my life, but I’m glad that, at age 80 (in September of 2022), I’m mostly peaceful in my life. The fact that my father could hurt his wife and his 6 children so badly is a testament to the pain he endured in his own childhood. Same with the ex, his wife and two sons, and all the women he left devastated from the pain he inflicted on all of them. The “gift that keeps on giving” - cruelty learned, then inflicted onto others! I wish healing for others like me, who have endured abuse, survived, and now thrive.

[@bupoe4796]

I want to date her and spend time with her in the winter time, especially around Christmas.

[@angelabrainky7786]

Thank you.