8 TIPS: Physical Intimacy After Sexual Trauma & Abuse | DissociaDID

[@happy-ld8vd]

Timestamps: Identify needs 2:32 Safe words 4:11 Safe positions 8:24 Grounding 9:14 Timeline 12:16 Triggers 13:57 Alters 15:19 Kya’s message 17:14

[@BelleOfAmherst]

Thank you! 💗

[@clementineeverett6566]

Thank you

[@melusine826]

Thank you!!

[@minimariaandthecrew8811]

We needed to hear this. All of this. We watched this with our current partner, who is also a system. And they agreed with everything y'all said. ❤❤❤

[@acee_lacee]

I’m a minor and I have just gotten out of my first sexual relationship. At first, I thought I might be asexual because of how horrible it felt, but after having a couple weeks to reflect, I realized that it wasn’t the right person and they pushed me when I wasn’t ready and it is NOT MY FAULT for not enjoying it, being uncomfortable, and ending the relationship because i no longer felt safe around them. For anyone in a similar situation, just know you are loved and it is NEVER your fault. ❤❤

[@DissociaDID]

So proud of you for realising this esp so young! I'm so sorry your first intimate relationship wasn't safe or comfortable ❤️

[@sarahwithstars]

You are loved and valued, just as you are xxx

[@shereadsbooks.sometimes6167]

I'm sorry for your first experiences weren't enjoyable or comfortable for you. You'll find someone that will treat you better and understand your boundaries! (and if you are asexual you still deserve a loving and intimate relationship!)

[@miramari732]

I'll add this, maybe it will help you and others: First sexual relationships contrary to what popculture shows us in teenage dramas are usually dumpsterfire. Don't blame yourself for that. They of course range from figuring everything by making every possible mistake to straight up abusive. And usually fall somewhere in between (and don't let me start ranting about romaticization of abusive relationships in fiction, I can go for hours). But the thing is - there are many people who was in similar situation and will understand what you feel and can help. You are not alone in this

[@morganwagner8342]

I was in a similar sounding situation when I was 16-17, except even though I tried, I couldn’t get him to leave me alone and he “wouldn’t let me” break up with him. Aka, he wouldn’t leave me alone, he spun things when talking to my friends so that they would be concerned about me and pushed me BACK to him for comfort without me knowing it was him behind it, and so on (they have all since sincerely apologized and we had a long talk/cry about it and all is good, I never blamed them because they didn’t know). Anyways, it got bad to where the last time I saw him bad stuff happened, and I broke up with him because it was right before I was moving schools so I actually had a way to cut him off. I shut off those memories for 2 years until it suddenly came back when he was mentioned on a random night. It then took two years after that, so a total of 4 years after it happened, for me to stop having flashbacks nearly daily. All of this to say: I am so proud of you for realizing what was happening, stopping it, and not taking it out on yourself. For me, all of those steps were SO hard, especially because of the age and stage of my life I was in. It makes me so happy when people, especially as young as you are, are able to do all of that because YOU DID NOT DESERVE THAT. No one does. And for some people at that age, that is so hard to get through your head. You are incredible and strong.

[@jennaveda6273]

"You don't owe anybody this." THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. I'm so glad you said it. So many people I know treat intimacy like an obligation, free market exchange, or bartering--it's NOT. The amount of people I have had to remind that it's okay to say no is really alarming.

[@softfirecrow]

As an asexual with no trauma experiences, I still find this video very empowering. Thank you!

[@AmyMichelleWiley]

Same situation for me!

[@calliea9064]

Same! I do enjoy sex, but it takes me a while to get comfortable and turned on during sex. I very rarely want it, but I would like to put in the practice to heal that part.

[@yf-n7710]

Me as well-- I mean, I have had trauma experiences, but not sexual trauma.

[@Vern235]

Exactly why I clicked on this video! I'm glad to see you found it helpful. Hopefully I'll feel the same after watching!

[@ameliab324]

I'm a virgin with no sexual trauma and same!

[@serra9941]

Mentioning gentleness being a possible trigger was certainly very thought-provoking for me. It made me re-think my sexual preferences, and I shall remember to say a safe word *whenever* I feel uncomfortable. Since I'm into BDSM/rougher sex, sometimes people are puzzled when I ask not to do a certain classic/vanilla position. I always say beforehand that I don't want that position, but it's such a "normal/natural" position that the guy either forgets it or doesn't feel it's important enough to ask. I've failed to stop it multiple times, because of the same reason. As Kya said, we tend to associate sexual trauma with aggression. It's the norm, when it's not always the case. Roughness for me is my safe place, hence I enjoy it fully. Also in my experience, partners who like to explore BDSM tend to be more thoughtful and more aware of consent. They constantly make sure I'm doing okay, and ask if it's too much or not. Therefore I feel way more loved and comfortable in a setting like that rather than in gentle sex. This makes so much more sense to me, rather than simply enjoying pain. Thank you Kya for bringing more awareness to this topic. These suggestions and pieces of information are important for a lifetime.

[@justhearmeout3959]

I have one, about consent! Consider asking your partner to allow you to initiate sexual contact. I had a problem where I didn't feel safe saying no, and by allowing me to initiate, my boyfriend gave me so much freedom to feel safe engaging in sex. Also, have conversations about creating situations that involve physical touch, but not sexual intimacy. So, for instance, laying down holding each other before bed might be labeled as a physical only moment. This can help you know what to expect, and also to avoid feeling pressured into sex every time you touch physically. This helped me tremendously, just to know I could be held without being, ahem, poked, in so many words

[@_RavishingRaven_]

That last paragraph really made me feel less alone. I didn't even realize that was a thing other people felt. I feel like I'm always avoiding such things.

[@philopharynx7910]

That sounds like it would be helpful for a lot of couples. To let the person who has issues start things when they feel safe and ready and comfortable.

[@rebeccafioroni8187]

I also find I need to initiate sexual and physical contact, also because I have issues with saying no or I don't want to right now. I went hypersexual after my SA and felt as if I needed to, owed it to people, whether I knew them or not, including I absolutely was required to make sure the happy ending happened. Having a partner that let me control the situation helped me learn that I am not made for only sexual encounters. Many times we have stopped in the middle, some of them he stopped because he saw I was triggered before I really knew I had dissociated.

[@justhearmeout3959]

@@philopharynx7910 I should have said this in the original comment, but the thing that really threw me, was, when this started, I was like "whelp, be prepared to never have sex again 😐" But, then I found myself wanting it, and that power he gave me made me want it even more. That simple small thing, of just feeling like I only ever had to do anything if I specifically wanted to, actually turned my desire for it back on. It was crazy.

[@phoebesmith8154]

This is amazing advice. Your partner sounds wonderful.

[@ArielLinee]

Something that has helped me as a survivor is non-verbal cues, specifically tapping patterns. I’ve learned that tapping my partner with two fingers in a specific pattern is much more attainable than trying to verbalize that I’m uncomfortable or triggered. This, of course, came with lots of practice outside the bedroom. We also have used the stoplight system

[@deserthays]

I love this idea! Thanks for sharing!

[@bellama920]

I double-tap my partner like in wrestling. This works so much better than trying to say literally anything because I can go non-verbal really really fast.

[@MarinaBonadio]

Tapping is great! I am not an SA survivor, but being autistic and into spicy stuff, I use it as a way to have a non-verbal safe "word", so if I get overwhelmed, I have a way to stop it even if I can't talk

[@elizabethwoolston]

I do the exact same thing! ^_^ I'm so glad to hear others using the same non-verbal techniques

[@oxymoronchick7]

Ugh this is a great idea!!!! I wanted to ask for a non verbal idea

[@trishabowes1058]

I think it’s beautiful that you’re so determined to be for others the person you yourself needed and didn’t have. I can always tell when you’re telling us the words you yourself needed to hear earlier in your journey, but no one said them. It makes me so sad how deeply you were failed for so long. But the experiences have given you the knowledge and skills to do what you’re doing now. And what you’re doing is wonderful and much-needed.

[@DissociaDID]

🥺❤️

[@sophsstillsad]

This is a beautiful comment, so wonderfully worded and kind

[@cristeresa99]

One of the most shocking things that I've learned talking to girls/women is that for the most of them the first time was not 100% consentual and that is unacceptable . We deserve more! And I just wanna tell you that in this video your way of talking and looking was like a warm hug. You are amazing. Sending all the love and support as always

[@isabellegrady4324]

As a survivor of non-violent sexual assault (it wasn't even *sexual* ya know), it took me so long to realise how that affected my experience with intimacy. For me the taking-clothes-of part is extremely difficult, so I eventually learned I had to talk with my girlfriend and be like "hey, ask me if I want to take my clothes of first". Life changer, I swear!!!! Who says sex with your clothes on can't be nice?

[@Kelly-th4dn]

Whoa, this makes sense to me. I couldn't really tell exactly what was making me feel uncomfortable with intimate encounters before and it's this. Thanks for sharing so I can have this realization. I have had intimate experiences when I am mostly clothed and it was so much more enjoyable for me. For some reason, I just never put the pieces together until now!

[@isabellegrady4324]

@@Kelly-th4dn aaa that's awesome!! I'm so happy for you and that my random comment helped ❤️ there's no right way to enjoy intimacy, after all 🥺

[@Ryu-v8r]

To Make Love I had expectations, pressure to succeed and fear I fail, when it comes to sex. I have been sexually traumatized as a six year old. I learned though when I make love, it is something that I can do. Even though my Trauma is still in me. Maybe because I am a loving person. To make love is like a manual for me and what feels right and good, I do. Then sex is is not important and I can love myself and others in the physical sense.

[@dragonflies6793]

The whole "it wasn't even *sexual* ya know" thing with sexual trauma hits home for me. We have so much trauma around being denied our privacy and it makes it really hard to take clothes off because it feels like they'll barge in at any moment, and it doesn't matter even if we're alone in a room with the door locked because they always would just unlock the door.

[@sedentaryscorpion]

As someone who considers themselves asexual as a direct result of sexual manipulation/abuse in my last relationship, I really appreciate this. Thanks for this.

[@smh1971a]

Another great message. People in general don’t realize or believe that they can say stop (or red) at any time. You can be completely fine and willing one minute and not the next and that’s OK. You have that right to do what is best for you at any given moment. I think sometimes people think “Well I can’t stop now because I’m the one that initiated this..”. And that’s not true. You CAN stop whenever you want to. Communication and understanding with your partner is so important! Great message - thank you for sharing.

[@smh1971a]

@DissociaDID - I hope sending thanks does not make you uncomfortable. I was recently diagnosed with cancer (early stage so that’s good) and am having surgery this week so I don’t know how I will feel or if I will be able to get out here as often for awhile. I just wanted to show support to you while I’m still able. Stay safe and stay true. ❤

[@kiwi_rainbows]

​@@smh1971aMany blessings to you for your surgery and recovery. ❤

[@smh1971a]

Thank you very much!!!

[@DissociaDID]

Thank you so much, it means the world. I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis... we really really hope the surgery is successful and recovery is smooth! Sending you all the strength and support we can. Stay strong, we will be thinking of you! ❤️

[@smh1971a]

@@DissociaDID thanks so much!

[@cori_music]

As a victim of SA, I’m only 14 seconds into this video and I’m already overwhelmed by emotion. Thank you Kya and Co, so many of us need this.

[@Ryu-v8r]

Making Love To make love has helped me overcome my sexual anxieties, that I carried with me for several years. I have been sexually traumatized by all the boys in my school class, when I was six years old. I was a young and innocent boy back then. Anyway this sexual part became so difficult in my adult life, because of the expectations,the fear of failure and pressure to perform. But my soul mate from the beyond gave me the lesson to make love instead. Making love includes sexual elements and it is like a manual to me. What feels right I do. Then sex really is irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically. And when I meet my soul mate again, I have no walls to keep me from making love.

[@sillyguy247]

Would love to see a video on hypersexuality and asexuality like you've mentioned. This was great and really helpful, I love to see conversations about sex and consent that aren't hushed.

[@yunglynda1326]

same!

[@angelofdeathoracle]

yes me too. struggling so much with this

[@lsmemr8789]

Yesss! A Video like that would be awesome!!!

[@oxymoronchick7]

Me too!!

[@dragonflies6793]

+

[@rebeccaengel4359]

As a sexual trauma survivor, this was actually incredibly useful and comforting. Your constant reassurance was soothing and I really really appreciate you doing this video and addressing a topic I haven't really seen broached. If you are comfortable with it, PLEASE do more on this. I would find any and all videos on this extremely useful.

[@Ryu-v8r]

Making Love To make love has helped me overcome my sexual anxieties, that I carried with me for several years. I have been sexually traumatized by all the boys in my school class, when I was six years old. I was a young and innocent boy back then. Anyway this sexual part became so difficult in my adult life, because of the expectations,the fear of failure and pressure to perform. But my soul mate from the beyond gave me the lesson to make love instead. Making love includes sexual elements and it is like a manual to me. What feels right I do. Then sex really is irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically. And when I meet my soul mate again, I have no walls to keep me from making love.

[@Bharmon1991]

Kya, thank you so much for this! I have C-PSTD, I actually cried during this video. I don't remember the SA in detail but I know it happened, I think I've also push some memories from childhood down so low that I haven't been able to talk about them in therapy. I'd really love a video on hypersexuality, I feel like no one talks about it. To everyone in these comments, please know you're not alone at all and how you feel is more important than anyone else's feelings.

[@DissociaDID]

Oh lovely I'm so sorry, we hope you're okay, sending so much love! ❤️❤️❤️

[@averystanley3846]

I would love a video on this too!!!

[@michingones9]

Same for me. My heart started beating so fast I had to stop doing what I was doing to cry quietly and sit down. Having no clear memory of SA makes it harder to understand the confusion that I get when engaging in sex, but this video helped me a lot

[@Ryu-v8r]

When I Make Love I had the intention to have sex in the past. It created expectations, pressure and fear that I fail. When you are sexually traumatized like me it is even worse. When I make love on the other side, it is something that I can always do. Even though I am sexually traumatized. Because I am by nature a loving person. Making love includes all sexual elements but it is not limited to that alone. It works like a manual. What feels good, I do. And I practice it with myself and others. Sex becomes irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically.

[@TylerSolace-kw9pl]

I would also really appreciate a video on it (if there's a video already made mb)

[@forKyrene]

To those who are new to the channel and might get confused as to why Kya used "I" when referring to Nina's experience, Kya is a result of a fusion of Kyle and Nin, who was a result of a fusion of Chloe and NIna. So Kya now has total of 5 perspectives, that of Kya, Kyle, Nin, Chloe, and NIna.

[@imarivanderwalt9227]

Is fashions the ultimate goal and what causes it

[@DominiqueCosta-wm5lz]

I'm almost crying, but with a smile on the face. This is so important to me, Kya. I'm asexual but also experienced a lot hipersexuality while teen. So thank you so much for this

[@DolphinGirl826]

I’m not a system, I don’t have any physical sexual trauma, but I’m a 24 year old lesbian virgin who experiences sexual desire but is terrified of sex. I’ve felt a lot of shame and confusion for a long time and have been EXTREMELY frustrated by the lack of conversation and resources around navigating sexual intimacy with “unconventional” experiences, fears, or mental health needs. This was extremely empowering and relieving to watch. You’re right, it’s astounding how little this is talked about. Even most resources on healing from sexual trauma focus on the emotional processing side of it, which is important, but we also need practical tips like this!!! Thank you for making this and giving validation to so many experiences, I would love to hear more of your thoughts on this topic ❤

[@Nathan_Bookwurm]

I'm experiencing this too. Going through FTM transition for a year now. I'm married to a man and always viewed myself as being in a hetero relationship. Now I'm turning into a man and I have a hard time picturing sex in a gay relationship now. (Even without bottom surgery) While there are tons of videos about transitioning on KZbin, this topic isn't really spoken about. I hope after my transition is done things will eventually settle, if not then I'll just keep avoiding sexual intimacy with others.

[@Ryu-v8r]

Making Love I had difficulties with expectations, fear of failure or pressure to perform in the intention to have sex. Because my sexual abusive childhood trauma made this beautiful experience very difficult. Making love though has helped me and I can always do that. It contains the sexual elements and works like a manual. What feels good, I do. And I practiced it with myself and with others, then sex became irrelevant and I could make love with myself and others.

[@ThePolarisSystem]

Due to our trauma I’ve been terrified to say no, even though our partner understands completely. We use the traffic light system together, and it’s helped. We’ve only just moved into being more intimate with each other, but for the most part we just prefer to curl up on the couch and watch movies lol. -Murdock

[@DissociaDID]

That's valid as heck lmao, but im glad things have helped too! ❤️

[@Ryu-v8r]

Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically. I hope this might helps you.

[@blackrabbit98]

Thanks for this! I'm sex-repulsed and I'm so scared of never finding someone that's ok with just a romantic relationship...but as you said, no point in doing something that's just painful for you. If it's a no it's a no and that's it.

[@skeetsmcgrew3282]

Being lonely seems bad at the time but it's nowhere near as bad as being miserable. At least you can feel like you have control over loneliness. It's yours and yours alone, if that makes sense

[@Rayowag]

You're definitely not alone in those feelings. Self love and respect will always win against putting yourself into a position you don't want to be in.

[@kinashy8863]

I'm asexual and i can date another asexual person, person who is fine with just masturbation or person who can have sex with someone else (with my consent of course). I know those options aren't for everyone but i wanted to let you know that they exist

[@RandomSwiftie13]

You should be able to find plenty of asexual partners. You just need to look for them in the aro/ase communities. I'm also asexual and I thought for so long that there was something wrong with me because I get repulsed by sexual stuff but somehow managed to find a partner who also hates it but loves the romance ,nonsexual intimacy and cats because she is also ase.

[@skeetsmcgrew3282]

@@RandomSwiftie13 wait, is "cats" like code for something or...

[@tigerlove525]

I'm a SA survivor and am constantly learning what is right/wrong for me, and constantly questioning myself. This video was very helpful and I'd be grateful for as many as you feel comfortable making.

[@Ryu-v8r]

When I Make Love I had the intention to have sex in the past. It created expectations, pressure and fear that I fail. When you are sexually traumatized like me it is even worse. When I make love on the other side, it is something that I can always do. Even though I am sexually traumatized. Because I am by nature a loving person. Making love includes all sexual elements but it is not limited to that alone. It works like a manual. What feels good, I do. And I practice it with myself and others. Sex becomes irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically.

[@milispay6019]

Unfortunately I had experience with this type of trauma and have always avoided the topic, trying not to get triggered and just bottling up all these negative emotions. Your "you're gonna be fine" broke me and I just started crying. Thank you, I needed this because I forgot how to cry and how to feel.

[@alysmarcus7747]

same - being tough is the only thing that holds me together around others

[@Ryu-v8r]

I Make Love When I have the intention to have sex, it creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. I have been sexually traumatized as a child. Making love, on the other hand, is something that I can do, at any time. Even though I am sexually traumatized. Because I am by nature, a loving person. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual for me. What is good for me, I do. And I can practice it with myself and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically.

[@kiayawilliams5714]

As the daughter, cousin and friend of survivors, I am so thankful that you’ve made this video. It really brings the focus onto healing at your own pace and in your own way.

[@DreamLikeAnAngel]

Dear Kya, I am not a trauma survivor and this video helped a lot and I loved it! I, as a cis-female, thought I have to submissive and liked by men to have worth. I let other men do things I didn't like or they hurt me verballt, when I told them I didn't not want to be romantic with them. You repeatedly stating that Sex should be enjoyable, makes me so happy and glad to hear. That we are allowed to do what we want to do in our life. This is so reassuring, because sometimes it feels like, you have to bury yourself to be loved/worthy. Thanks Kya for sharing your kindness, it helped me! I wish you all the best and a lot of love!

[@Ryu-v8r]

To Make Love I had expectations, pressure to succeed and fear I fail, when it comes to sex. I have been sexually traumatized as a six year old. I learned though when I make love, it is something that I can do. Even though my Trauma is still in me. Maybe because I am a loving person. To make love is like a manual for me and what feels right and good, I do. Then sex is is not important and I can love myself and others in the physical sense.

[@kaylaelizabeth214]

As someone who is a survivor of SA and PTSD around it, who is now married years later...this video was much needed. I've struggled with intimacy and still do sometimes. I found this video so relieving, as it makes me feel less alone.

[@Ryu-v8r]

I Make Love When I have the intention to have sex, it creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. I have been sexually traumatized as a child. Making love, on the other hand, is something that I can do, at any time. Even though I am sexually traumatized. Because I am by nature, a loving person. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual for me. What is good for me, I do. And I can practice it with myself and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically.

[@Finn-fq4op]

I totaly agree. The topic of intimacy shouldnt be classed as a “bad” or “inapropriate” my openly talking about it we could prevent so much negative stigma, and illegal acts. By speaking we could allow people to feel so much better about themselves. ❤

[@Ryu-v8r]

I Make Love When I have the intention to have sex, it creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. I have been sexually traumatized as a child. Making love, on the other hand, is something that I can do, at any time. Even though I am sexually traumatized. Because I am by nature, a loving person. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual for me. What is good for me, I do. And I can practice it with myself and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically. I hope this can help you as it helped me.

[@elisamarenis4257]

I don't have any sexual trauma but I'm in the asexual spectrum so sex has always been an complicated experience for me. I really apreciatte this video and it was very helpful. Thank you so much, I think your tips will help a lot of people to navigate sex in a comfortable and safe way. Sending love and strengh to whoever needs it right now, things can get better

[@samanthal8981]

I'm a survivor of on going mental and emotional abuse as well as non physical sexual abuse (did not know about the latter until my sex therapist told me when we discussed it). Going to a sex therapist for the last year helping me heal. However, she is graduating soon, and I cannot afford a non student therapist. Thank you for this video. I'm healing, but it is a long journey and I have a lot more healing to go. I'm so happy to have my husband who has been with me through this whole journey. He is learning new things as a Dom to help me as submitting helps with my trauma and takes pressure off me making choices.

[@franlats0705]

Right there with you, I'm going into trauma therapy as a new trauma triggered all my past trauma. But glad my husDom is very understanding. He has been allowing me to just heal. Looking after me as much as possible but without pushing my limits. Everyone please make sure if you are looking into being intimate with someone, it is someone you can trust. Build trust beforehand,

[@comettripper]

I nv heard of non physical sa before either, do you know of any posts or videos that talk about it?

[@kinashy8863]

​@@comettripper you can read about grooming or internet sa for example

[@AutisticKittyStar]

I'm a survivor of non physical SA

[@samanthal8981]

@@comettripper I wish I could help you more but I don't know any. I just know of my experience with it. If possible, try reaching out to a therapist. They may be able to help educate and guide you more to find out if you experienced it.

[@veronihika]

Speaking about things allows us to regain power over them. The last few generations have been so keen on making intimacy, sex and sexuality such a taboo, dirty, secret thing, that many people don't even understand basic biological concepts. Ignorance is the easiest way for others to manipulate us, specially in such contexts. The only way to make things better is by opening these conversations and creating safe spaces where they can be held. Thank you so much for your efforts, you really are amazing people.

[@artsyapple6509]

As someone struggling with asexuality, either by trauma or medications, i think hearing about it will be really beneficial for me. I appreciate these videos. ❤❤

[@ellieocentrisme]

As a system, it's very hard for me to understand my sexuality: i don't know if i'm aroace or just traumatized by intimacy and relationships, or maybe if just someone in the system is aroace and influencing sometimes. I'm so so grateful for this video, Kya, and I would love it if you could do a video about romantic relationship after traumas and abuse, because that's really a big problem for me. Sending you a lot of love!

[@Ryu-v8r]

Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically. I hope this might helps you.

[@j.p.animates7]

This video came out at a perfect time for me, I can't even begin to thank you enough. My trauma is years old at this point, and I honestly thought I had gotten over it, but lately being intimate in any way with my partner has been nearly impossible. Mind you , we have been dating for nearly 4 years at this point, and this discomfort was hardly present at all for like the first 2 and a half years. Any time he touches me it makes me want to crawl out of my skin, and he's obviously suffering from that lack of contact and I can empathize with his position but I had no idea how to make it feel right for me. I do go to therapy, but my therapist is a guy, making it really hard for me to open up about this stuff due to the origin of our trauma, but since this is basically a government funded thing and I can't really afford to pay for a private therapist, changing therapist isn't an option right now. This is giving us a great place to start from and hopefully start working towards recovery. Also sorry for shifting between singular and plural pronouns, it's probably weird to read but oh well, just saying things how it feels right to in the moment...

[@nerveendings]

If you're in the UK, even if it's gov funded, you can ask for a different therapist, especially if that is due to reasons of trauma. I work in the mental health system here and it's extremely common for us to reassign people or to only assign them a therapist of a certain gender. It might take a while but it's worth exploring the possibility if it makes you feel safer

[@Ryu-v8r]

I Make Love When I have the intention to have sex, it creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. I have been sexually traumatized as a child. Making love, on the other hand, is something that I can do, at any time. Even though I am sexually traumatized. Because I am by nature, a loving person. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual for me. What is good for me, I do. And I can practice it with myself and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically. I hope this can help you as it helped me.

[@Kerttu_Ellen]

It really moved me when you said something about not having to push through it if it's uncomfortable. That's what I do with every aspect of life, se*ual and not. I know I can survive anything, so I just make myself get through all the pain. Because my feelings have never mattered and I need to please everyone else. It was a really hard topic, but so important. Thank you❤

[@jenniebutler]

This video speaks to me so directly. I think anyone who experienced anything like this will completely understand this, you are so spot on about everything. These insights can't come from or be easily understood by someone who hasn't experienced exactly this firsthand. One of the few bright sides in a life that has been so horribly traumatized in unimaginable ways is hearing the words of others who understand exactly what you've been through. This will be such a helpful resource for the future, thank you.

[@monique_0104]

Same for me it spoke to me and it helped me alot

[@Ryu-v8r]

I Make Love When I have the intention to have sex, it creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. I have been sexually traumatized as a child. Making love, on the other hand, is something that I can do, at any time. Even though I am sexually traumatized. Because I am by nature, a loving person. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual for me. What is good for me, I do. And I can practice it with myself and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically. I hope this can help you as it helped me.

[@eyesinmythroat4073]

As a traumatized teen, this helped so so SO much. it’s really difficult to have relationships that don’t mirror past experiences, but, thanks to you lot and a good bit of self discovery, it is getting easier. thank you!!! please make more videos like this… much love, all❤️

[@Ryu-v8r]

I Make Love When I have the intention to have sex, it creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. I have been sexually traumatized as a child. Making love, on the other hand, is something that I can do, at any time. Even though I am sexually traumatized. Because I am by nature, a loving person. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual for me. What is good for me, I do. And I can practice it with myself and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically. I hope this can help you as it helped me.

[@marie8553]

I don’t have DID, but am interested in learning more about the condition and mental health as a whole which is why I’m a subscriber. Thank you for your bravery. And for such educational content. As a survivor of sexual trauma myself, this really resonated with me and the advice is great. I don’t think I’ve ever fully processed my trauma properly. And I think it is time to start trying. Thank you.

[@BelleOfAmherst]

Hi Marie, Your comment resonated with me. I’ve not been diagnosed with DID either, but I have experienced episodes on one or two occasions. I didn’t understand what was happening. I struggle with severe CPTSD that’s becoming easier to live with, though there is no room for other people atm. I’ve had to step away from family, certain friends, & I do not have a partner I trust. I left a comment about triggers & SA on a different channel, & no one will come near it. It’s been the same experience in decades of therapy. No one wants to talk about it. Until all of us begin to talk about our experiences without judgment, we’ll be limited in connecting with each other & healing. You sound like you’re well on your way to it, so wishing you well on your journey! 💗

[@mariafilo2688]

I can’t even begin to express the emotional depth of my reaction to reading the title of the video. I’m so incredibly glad that someone is talking “to me” about this

[@Ryu-v8r]

When I Make Love I had the intention to have sex in the past. It created expectations, pressure and fear that I fail. When you are sexually traumatized like me it is even worse. When I make love on the other side, it is something that I can always do. Even though I am sexually traumatized. Because I am by nature a loving person. Making love includes all sexual elements but it is not limited to that alone. It works like a manual. What feels good, I do. And I practice it with myself and others. Sex becomes irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically.

[@gracecarey754]

Our system is a mix of hypersexual folk and acespec (to varying degrees) and sex, or most forms of intimacy really, has always been very funky. We just figured interactions with other people is just going to be weird no matter what. Thank you for telling us it's not weird. It's not weird that we can only have it rougher, it's not weird that we can kiss everywhere besides the mouth, we're not weird. We'll gladly watch many more videos like this. - Moon Sys

[@Maria-qd7jl]

Same here, we have a lot of hypersexual alters and quite a few Asexual alters and it gets interesting, plus opposite gender alters who are straight and don't like who were dating (romantic/sexual wise). It's hard. Your experiences are so valid and we hope your healing journey is going well.

[@RandomSwiftie13]

I just have two weird questions to ask for systems because I'm curious- So... I watched the "50% off" Free!anime (fan made) dub and it had a character named Haru who seems to have alters in his head and one of them apparently killed one of the alter Haru that could read. It was played for comedy because non of the other alters could read and it made me wonder whether if do you guys ever have an alter who can read and write and then the other alters who can't read or write because they were not the one's who went to school? Is that correct or not? Also I think I know the answer for this question already but can an alter actually harm another alter in the head? Not the physical body, just inside of the mind. Like can you trap an alter somehow?

[@Maria-qd7jl]

@@RandomSwiftie13 1) I've heard that sound from tik tok and some systems have alters that might not be able to read or write because of trauma reasons (most of the time it'll be littles, but older alters can also have that problem). Some systems don't. It just depends because if the brain knows the information, all alters do have access to that information, it's just if the individual alter has the ability to access it. 2) yes, alters are able to harm each other in the inner world as well as the outer world. Usually this happens if a system has an inner world, some systems don't. It usually is a re-enactment of trauma experienced.

[@yf-n7710]

I have never had trauma of this particular sort, nor do I ever plan to have sex (I am asexual and sex-repulsed as far as I can tell), but I still watched the video because I find that strategies like this very rarely apply only to one aspect of life. You've taught me quite a lot before now. I hope you're able to continue to make content like this for a long time, because it is very educational and empowering.

[@sba6796]

This is something I really needed. I have a lot of sexual trauma but want to start a relationship with someone but don't know how. I'm really anxious about it. Thank you so much! ❤

[@Mattelini]

You seem nice and I really hope you find someone that makes you feel happy and safe ❤️

[@sba6796]

@@Mattelini that's so sweet of you, thank you!! 😭

[@castormastor3288]

This was an extremely difficult video to watch thru for me (almost started balling my eyes out around the 13 minute mark) but I’m happy I finished it. Kya and the rest of the system - thank you so much for making content like this. I hope you realize how many people you are helping. My traumas have completely stopped me from choosing intimacy, and although I am no where near ready yet, I am already feeling comforted after learning your tips ❤ Seriously, one 20 min video has made such an impact on me. Thank you thank you thank you. ❤

[@XXMsMaggieMooXX]

My own experience has been minimized and diminished by many people around me, and so I tend to diminish it myself sometimes. It's the whole "People have gone through so much worse" thing, and while that is true, I know I need to stop comparing my own experience to theirs. Mine was traumatizing too, and I'm borderline sex-repulsed now because of it. I'm on the asexual spectrum as it is, but my assault pushed it into a fear rather than disinterest or lack of feeling. That being said, I would love a video about hypersexuality and asexuality! I would also love a video of your own experiences (if it isn't too triggering of course) because I genuinely think that hearing it from a survivor themselves is way better than general tips that non-survivors assume work. Thank you so much for making this video, it really gave me some pointers to try in the future!

[@godsangel1644]

I broke down at the end, as a SA survivor and it's not something I talk about or anyone but 1 sibling I trust enough to know that things have happened even tho I've never go into about it. Thank you Kya & Co for your message it reached us, it felt like you're speaking straight to my soul and I couldn't help but cry. I could feel the kindness in your words and it touched a side of my I wasn't expecting. Thank you for being such a kind person and giving these tips on how to navigate these situations. I've just either avoided it or been hyper sexual to cover it. I am very interested in topics of hyper sexuality after said trauma, what happened when you switched during sex and how to navigate around it (I've switched, it used to be jarring but I've had to get used to it and just played it off), whatever else you'd like to cover with this topic. I would love to listen and learn💜

[@Ryu-v8r]

To Make Love I had expectations, pressure to succeed and fear I fail, when it comes to sex. I have been sexually traumatized as a six year old. I learned though when I make love, it is something that I can do. Even though my Trauma is still in me. Maybe because I am a loving person. To make love is like a manual for me and what feels right and good, I do. Then sex is is not important and I can love myself and others in the physical sense.

[@husband-of-chinggis]

Thank you for this video. "You are not a tool or toy for somebody else's pleasure" had me tearing up. I'd love to see one on hypersexuality too like you mentioned. :)

[@kaimareegenna2169]

This information is not only for trauma survivors…this can be applied to even a normal relationship…I think this should be required watching for ANY couple who wants improvement in communication….this is SO well done Kya..very good work, I’m proud of you❤️🤗👍🏻😎

[@acetronaut]

Unrelated to this video, but it's amazing to see how far you've come. Around the middle of this video, I felt a sense of pride. You're so much more convenient than when you started this channel. Just know that whatever you've been doing is working, we can all see it.

[@graymonk5972]

id love to hear about your experiences as a trauma survivor we’re trying to learn healthy sexuality as a system who’s only ever had negative exposure to sex. this video was so helpful and validating to us thank you go much

[@Ryu-v8r]

To Make Love I had expectations, pressure to succeed and fear I fail, when it comes to sex. I have been sexually traumatized as a six year old. I learned though when I make love, it is something that I can do. Even though my Trauma is still in me. Maybe because I am a loving person. To make love is like a manual for me and what feels right and good, I do. Then sex is is not important and I can love myself and others in the physical sense.

[@damonmad02]

As someone who went through something almost 7 years ago and still struggles with intimacy sometimes with my partner (even after being together for 5 years!) This video meant a lot to me so thank you ❤

[@farkenshnoff4521]

Thank you for the distinction between 'it's all violent, but it's not all aggressive' at 2:58

[@miu3640]

We're so glad you're back! Hopefully you're doing better! Thank you so much for your guys work ♡

[@craquinette685]

This is so helpful. Thank you so much for even just talking about it and saying "you're not alone". Healing is a slow process, and sometimes I feel like I'm not getting better, but looking back to even a year ago, or two, or three, I can see now that I don't panic as much, and I don't spiral down into flashbacks nearly as often anymore. It is slow, but I'm getting better, and you helped me a ton, you continue to, and I know you help hundreds of others. We love you, we support you and we always will ❤️

[@sari9645]

Needed this!! I’ve just got into a relationship and have had a hard time with the physical aspect of it. Thank you!!

[@suestone2794]

When they said, " you don't have to serve anyone....ANYMORE." 😢 Aw man. Just sending so much love. ❤

[@quirkyblackenby]

Oof yeah that got me

[@maise_elf]

Thank you for this video, there seems to be this underlying belief by those on the outside of trauma that we’re not allowed to feel empowered or have intimacy and instead need to be wrapped in cotton wool. It’s so important that someone made a video like this and I’m glad it was you, you approach every subject with the right level of delicacy but while also being very open

[@DissociaDID]

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@Ryu-v8r]

Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.

[@pleaseignoreme2946]

I’m a month late, but this video has dropped into my life at a perfect time, this is an absolute gem to watch as a CSA survivor, after a whole decade later starting to explore their sexuality. When you mentioned that soft sex can be a trigger for some people, I had no idea I wasn’t alone in feeling that, I felt so invalid for feeling that way! This video has not only given me INVALUABLE tools for in and outside the bedroom, but has made me feel less alone…so thank you so much, truly, thank you

[@lillylil2006]

Thank you so much for this video. I suffer from C-PTSD and I wasn't able to be physically touched or have sex for 5 years after my SA. I am going to write here a ~ TRIGGER WARNING ~ for BDSM. PLEASE, if you don't agree with it just ignore this comment. . . . Building a safe and healthy D/s dynamic with my partner has been one of the reasons why I am mostly healed of my sexual trauma. Thanks to this relationship I have learned how to communicate, set boundaries, be very clear about my limits and what is okay and what is not. It is the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship I have ever had. The knowledge that I can stop the scene whenever it is needed makes me feel so much at peace. I say "red" and everything stops right away. I don't even wait until I am completely dissociated. The second I feel something is off I immediately say "red" and I receive the aftercare and love that I need. The bond I have created with my partner is so strong and intimate that I honestly think I could never reach that kind of intimacy and healing through a vanilla relationship. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that my traumas have caused my kinks. That used to bring me so much shame. I am slowly starting to realize that it doesn't matter why I have those kinks. What matters is how they make me feel. I feel safe and empowered.

[@thepryde3438]

As a trauma survivor slowly putting pieces together with a therapist, and also having a romantic partner for the first time ever; this video came at a perfect time Having some of my thoughts and potential ideas being put out there so nicely and easy to understand was super helpful. I would love more videos like this because it honestly gives such a good starting point of reference

[@Ryu-v8r]

I'm Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform as we wish, and fear of failure in bed. If you have been sexually traumatized like me, it is even worse. Making love though, is something that almost anyone, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are loving people by nature. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual to me. What is good for me, I do. And we can all practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex becomes irrelevant and we can love ourselves and others physically. I hope this might help you or others.

[@shirochan7585]

I never clicked so fast omygod lol thank you for this

[@AkeyKeu180]

I do not think i am a traumatised person, but I've experienced some...stuff. and this, is absolutely helpful. i feel it. people need to hear this, to know they are not alone. the more voices are out there to be heard, the better! thank you so so much for making this! lots of love, Kya and co

[@BelleOfAmherst]

Hi, THANK YOU for making this video! I’ve learned more from your content than multiple therapists, male & female, as well as a local women’s empowerment centre. I’ve done countless groups, trainings, individual therapy, many modalities. I’ve grown & healed. However, the topics of safety in intimacy has never been addressed in such an open, common-sense way. Your insight surrounding why the word, “no”, is a trigger is something no one has ever explained to me. I knew it instinctively, but it would be validating to understand it better. It’s been 5+ years with zero intimacy by choice. There were only 2 people in my past who did NOT use intimacy as a way to control & manipulate. Shout out to the universe for bringing them into my life. I’ve no idea IF I will EVER be able to share intimacy with anyone ever again. I’m seeking to understand why I reacted the way I did for many years, & I’m 8+ yrs focused on healing me. I wish more therapists would cover topics as you did. Your video, led to a sigh of relief. 😌 It’s a pleasure to see you again, & I look forward to more content. Thank you! You’re a beautiful intuitive soul. Take care all! Peace. 💗

[@sarahkittle]

I don’t have any trauma experiences but I’m on the ace spectrum and do have trust issues and anxiety. You give me a bit more confidence and hope that one day I might be able to experience these things in a way that won’t traumatize me

[@HopeLeyana]

kya and co, PLEASE make more videos like this! there aren't enough words to describe how helpful this was for me and my system. you've helped us so much with our self discovery over the years and we feel genuine healing when you speak on topics such as this. so much love to you all

[@jop3312]

HUGE !!! round of applause for a VERY important message at the end... you DON'T owe anyone ANYTHING !!! - YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE !!!

[@EdTheMeme]

I’m not a sexual abuse survivor but have suffered other abuse. I’ve always felt that I have to be hyper sexual and always make sure that my partner finishes. Thank you for reminding me that I don’t need to act like that for others. Please make more content like this, I need to remember this more. Thank you Kya.

[@Ryu-v8r]

Making Love I had difficulties with expectations, fear of failure or pressure to perform in the intention to have sex. Because my sexual abusive childhood trauma made this beautiful experience very difficult. Making love though has helped me and I can always do that. It contains the sexual elements and works like a manual. What feels good, I do. And I practiced it with myself and with others, then sex became irrelevant and I could make love with myself and others.

[@sage6238]

“This is as much about you. as it is about them.” That hits in a way I can’t describe. It almost always felt like a chore to be done..

[@Ryu-v8r]

Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically. I hope this might helps you.

[@wiv1473]

I really like how you believe how this stuff shouldnt be so taboo. People are gonna do it anyway, its a part of most of our lives. Thanks so much for this video. Your makeup looks amazing!!♥️♥️

[@777Beckers]

I knew this video was going to be hard to watch but everything you said Kya I wish I had known 6 years ago when I was sexually assaulted by my ex. My recent relationship that just ended was kinda similar in ways when it came to intimacy and a lack of communication didn’t help realizing I was triggered a few times with him as well. I never wanted to tell him stop often because I genuinely loved him and never wanted it to end. I was scared he wouldn’t listen even if I did tell him because my sexual assault made me think that way for so long. This kind of video is needed for SA survivors like myself.It’s taking me over 5 years to realize this and it’s still not any easier but I do know I deserve better and need a more compassionate partner who would check in with me, and would understand what I went through more throughly because my ex would brush it aside. Our feelings are valid. Thanks for always reminding me Kya. That we’re not all alone and that we’re safe. ❤

[@K_Star101]

You have no idea how much I needed to hear this right now. Thank you for sharing and saying all those kind words. Your videos have been so helpful for me getting through every day. As a survivor, there are days that are hard, but videos like yours help me continue on. Sending love to you all in the DissociaDID system ❤

[@Vespervoo]

I dont have more but i wish i did! Thank you guys so much for the advice you guys give! You have helped our system for years and given us hope, keep staying strong you guys!! You guys are awesome. 💞

[@brigitterolens]

This video meant more to me than I had anticipated it to. Thank you for the message and tips and for sharing, I'm SO grateful I've never had someone tell me that I don't have to just go along with it, like you directly telling me means so much thank you

[@madisonslaton24]

this video has quickly become a comfort video for me it’s hard sometimes to remember you don’t have to do things you don’t want to to make other people happy. thank you so much for making videos like this it makes me feel like i’m not alone and like someone understands what it’s like to have the confusion afterwards of what’s “ok” or “not okay” to be. anyways i love these types of videos and you’re so amazing for putting stuff like this out there thank you for being so kind and caring for other humans

[@Ryu-v8r]

Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically. I hope this might helps you.

[@pumalovegood-romanoff5917]

This was so helpful. Right now I feel so unloveable, because I am complicated and have needs. I get triggered so easily and I fear that no one will ever make the effort to get through that with me. I feel like all a man wants is intimacy and I can’t give that right now. This video made me feel validated and hopeful. Thank you a lot❤

[@zoubidoubidoubadoum]

I've cried the whole video from your gentleness. This is such an important video. Thank you

[@martabartalini8302]

I'm a gray asexual but sometimes I struggle to identify whether my reactions come from trauma or not because of the pressure surrounding intimacy in relationships. So this was a very helpful reminder and YES pls a video on asexuality/hypersexuality would be amazing, i still don't see enough conversations about it

[@erinmullen2397]

I often forget about my intimate trauma, but this video made me feel more like I could accept that it happened and it doesn't mean I'm broken. Sometimes I forget just how serious my trauma is and start blaming myself. Thank you Kya.

[@ritusikpusik]

I'm not a survivor of any trauma and this video was still helpful. And thank you for your gentle attitude towards your audience. Your strength in processing bad things and sharing healing experience is so inspiring ❤️

[@arianavaldez7551]

i never comment on videos but i just wanted to say thank you thank you THANK YOU for creating this video! as a SA survivor who has ptsd + autism, my relationship with sex is really weird and i have such a hard time figuring out what i want, if im enjoying myself or recognizing triggers. Ive been with my partner for 6 years and he is the most understanding and patient person but its still easy to forget that i dont OWE him sex. its hard to get out of the mindset that youre obligated to finish despite the fact that he will never judge me for saying “no”. watching this video has encouraged me to revist ways i can communicate during sex so that i don’t ever have to feel like im just going through the motions or risk getting triggered because i cant verbally express myself.. much love to the whole disociaDID system, please keep up this work bc the community of trauma survivors and our loved ones need this :) hope you are all happy and healthy!!

[@allidanij2238]

Thank you so much for this! I was only able to receive information and support for this exact topic once I became a professional in my field and paid for trainings on this topic. It's so important that those of us who have experienced trauma know how to reclaim physical intimacy in a safe way. This video gets rid of that gatekeeping and will be so important for so many people. I even learned some new, useful tips that I'm excited to implement. I would personally love to see more content on physical intimacy after trauma! This is amazing Kya!! Thank you 💖

[@NattyNooodles]

I have no sexual trauma or anything like that but I still found this informative. I'm also disgusted by how much (trauma victims especially) are taught not to speak about it.

[@akr5613]

Ty for talking about this. I agree that it needs to be talked about more. I spent years blaming myself instead of healing bc I didn’t even know that what happened to me counted as SA as it wasn’t r*pe. Ty for your kind messages and advice l ❤❤❤

[@TheFuschiaDragonfly]

I just had a long chat over text with a boy I fancy and things crossed into sexual territory for the first time in months. I wanted this moment to be free of bad feelings for so long, but sadly I have lots of trauma to work through and it showed once again. This video is divine timing. If things don't wok out with this dude, I just hope none of us will get hurt. It's really my highest priority. Side note: you're absolutely glowing in this vid

[@Ryu-v8r]

Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.

[@strawwberin]

this is so helpful, thank you so much for making this video, i’ve been bad with intimacy for ages and it makes me feel so much like an outcast when all my peers are so sex positive. i’m still healing and this has helped, thank you so much

[@CrimsonVioletMoon]

So much great info here, thank you for covering this.

[@edderdot6276]

Thank you so much for this, Kya (& co) ❤ Being someone with trauma I've always felt like requesting that people who I am intimate with be mindful of my triggers, or even letting people know that I have triggers in the first place, makes me a burden, that I'm not worth enough to have a say about what people do with me. With this in mind I appreciate very much that you made a video regarding this topic. Although I did convince myself of the phrase 'no one else has this kind of problem because no one is as worthless as me', I still know I'm certainly not the only one who needed to hear this. Your message at the end, like in your video on relapses etc was so helpful. They really get me through the hard times. I ended up making this all about me but um Thank you 😂

[@jamesmusante6222]

That ending touched a part of our broken soul that just felt so positive. Ty kya

[@papipopu4894]

I honestly never realized the lack of sexual recovering videos ! Thank you so much Kya (and the wholse system

[@glueateants]

most of the stuff that you said (like ''you're not broken'', ''there's people like you out there'', ''you do not have to serve anyone anymore'' etc.) made me cry and i think you just healed something in me istg. thank you sm for that and for the advice kya

[@Finn-fq4op]

Not only are your videos informative, they also make me feel safe and loved. Your voice provides safety and security. Youre doing amazing and im so proud of you ❤❤

[@kamamaunillama31]

Thank you so so much. I also recommend a safety gesture in case you can't manage to speak at all, something easy to do, even a certain blinking pattern or mouth movement can work. I also never thought about how the gentleness of intimacy might be a problem, one of my worst triggers is being kissed on the forehead. It also sometimes triggers out one of us. One of my recent dates ignored my request to avoid that, I reminded him more than once, and later on, my friend told me that the one of us who got triggered out came back to their place crying. Thank you for mentioning that gentleness isn't always okay. I imagine he ignored it because he didn't understand why it's so triggering. But also I ghosted him after that (I'm glad I had the courage to leave right away for that one, it's still hard to). I really needed this video

[@DissociaDID]

I'm glad you left and I'm so sorry you weren't listened to!

[@Kylied007]

This video is extremely helpful!!! I’d love more on this subject because like you said, there’s no videos that cover the survivors healing. ❤️

[@Opfelixc]

PLEASE. This is helpful, this is needed. My partner has a sexual trauma and he shuts down, I can barely communicate with him and I want to educate myself as much as a I can so that I can help him communicate with me. Thank you for this, please do more

[@teamstemocara]

Thank you for discussing this, I'm sure it will help so many people to hear these things! I love your makeup and hairstyle btw :D You're rocking that whole outfit

[@lunawolf3645]

It’s really nice hearing these things from someone else. I’ve only heard these types of things from my mother, which feels weird, but later realized WHY she spoke the way she did to my siblings and especially to me. Thank you, Kya. Even though I’ve never experienced things like this yet, but I know the boundaries I have the right to slow things down and stop if needed.

[@ninetails2348]

I am just now discovering my own sexual trauma, years after things happened because it took all this time to find out, understand and actually feel that what was done to me was in no way normal or deserved or my fault. If you feel comfortable talking more about that topic - please do; I think it would help not only me but a lot of people with similar experiences. Lots of Love, Emilia

[@Ryu-v8r]

I'm Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform as we wish, and fear of failure in bed. If you have been sexually traumatized like me, it is even worse. Making love though, is something that almost anyone, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are loving people by nature. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual to me. What is good for me, I do. And we can all practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex becomes irrelevant and we can love ourselves and others physically. I hope this might help you or others.

[@8068]

This video hit home hard. Was dating a woman for several months. Hadn't gotten intimate and was in no hurry as I was totally enjoying her companionship. Last weekend in February 2023 I went to see her. Things started normal and then she began to cry. I held her in my arms for what seemed like an eternity as she cried uncontrollably. Finally, she told me she had been raped by a man in another county in August 2022. A police report was filed but the police were not taking any action. She refused to seek help from her family as she thought her family would blame her for the attack. Secondly, she ended the relationship with me. I can't begin to find the words to express how bad I feel for her and how bad I feel for the loss of our relationship. I hope she is able to get the help she needs and recover her life.

[@brittneylacy8576]

Absolutely make more videos discussing this. It affects so many people and is so helpful

[@whatsinaname4971]

One thing that made me feel so happy with my husband was when I apologized for not being in the mood and he told me that I have nothing to apologize for because he's not entitled to my body just because we're married... made my heart melt

[@hoperobinson9223]

Thank you so much for making this. I was sexually abused in my first serious relationship when I was 15 and as a result I’ve struggled a lot with guilt and feeling like I owe my partners sex or intimacy even though I know objectively that I don’t. I didn’t even realize how badly I needed to hear that it’s ok and normal for intimacy to be difficult because of those experiences even though I know my current partner would never do anything to hurt me. Just thank you. ❤

[@Ryu-v8r]

Making Love I had difficulties with expectations, fear of failure or pressure to perform in the intention to have sex. Because my sexual abusive childhood trauma made this beautiful experience very difficult. Making love though has helped me and I can always do that. It contains the sexual elements and works like a manual. What feels good, I do. And I practiced it with myself and with others, then sex became irrelevant and I could make love with myself and others.

[@rachelmasin8779]

Thank you for this. I finally found the one I can talk to about everything. I am 47 and am still living with the memories.