90 Day Fiancé - (Mike & Natalie #14) - Despair - Therapist Reacts

Dr. Kirk Honda, couples therapist, reacts to 90 Day Fiancé - Mike and Natalie. Includes clips from 90 Day Fiancé (TLC) season 7.
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[@Zullala]

Crying made my ex want to say I need better self control, that only babies cry and then leave me by myself... But I will not stop crying just to make others feel comfortable. It took years for me to be able to cry when I'm sad and I'm not stopping!

[@vibinwmysockson6497]

I know you don't know me but it makes me so proud of people to hear this kind of stories! I'm really glad you didn't let them knock you down. Your emotions are healthy and there's a better way of dealing with them than suppressing them 💖💖💖 sending love!

[@Zullala]

@@vibinwmysockson6497 oh awwww thank you so much! This means a lot to me. Really made my day 💞

[@DanielleMarieW]

This is huge. My ex also did not want to hear about my day if it was difficult. Which is why our exes are..exes! 🙌💙

[@Zullala]

@@DanielleMarieW yes! My ex has a tough time with negitive emotion. It really hurts him to see or have to deal with negativity. He just shoves it off, goes numb and because he never deals, he never heals. He's a good man but I really hope he can learn how to navigate negative emotions in a healthy way. I'm really not sure he can have a successful relationship if he doesn't. Glad you were able to get out of that relationship. I know it can be incredibly tough. You deserve to have more than just a fair weather partner.

[@ElleNoir.]

It's such a common misconception that self-control is the supppression of emotional expression. Whereas the real self-control is self-awareness.

[@LeanDoughnut]

“There’s nothing wrong with being satisfied by drinking water out of a jar”

[@kmonkey8874]

hey... wanna come back to my place and drink tap water from a mason jar?

[@LisaMarieB]

That made me laugh!!!!!!! Thanks.

[@kmonkey8874]

Itsjusta Hellcat me too! that was my pickup line when bars were open 😂😭

[@heathermcrae4448]

@@kmonkey8874 oppop

[@heathermcrae4448]

@Itsjusta Hellcat pppppoppppp

[@maschinka_]

My parents got very angry whenever I cried and they yelled at me to „stop this fake behavior, you’re not sensitive, so stop acting like it“ and „those fake crocodile tears won’t fool us“ and so on, I was basically „forbidden“ to cry which of course doesn’t work. I just cry a lot, I can’t help it, my body just starts doing it all the time...

[@TarotReaderASMR]

Thank god for that. Please don't ever stop being true to yourself.

[@tturing5698]

Me too and my older sister. She stopped crying in front of people. But for some reason for me it is like their behvaior never really got into my core being so I always cried when sad and in front of people I trusted and was taken well care of. I think in my case my parents were quite sick themselves and they have a ot of health problems. My sister doesn't really have any friends, and she bullies her husband by putting him down and sometimes yells at her small kids. I also cam out ok. It sounds like your parents also didn't damage your healthy emotional responses too. Good for you I hope you are having good relationships in your life because of it.

[@TheEmeraldLady]

Same for me, it's hard not to cry sometimes! 😅 Weirdly enough, I would be okay with other people crying, but I was always afraid to cry in front of others. My mom would mock me and tell me to off myself "if you're that sad" when I cried, and my brother would ridicule me. I'm an emotional person, so I still cry sometimes, but the first time I cried in front of my boyfriend, I was afraid that he would leave me. I've had to learn that crying in front of others is alright, but I associated crying with "open for abuse and worthless" for a long time.

[@tturing5698]

@@TheEmeraldLady That is rough! I really find these kinds of parents and families so extremely weird even though I am from one myself. i never understand why people like this have children at all. I still think in my case I built a kind of relational firewall against my family that I could easily take down in front of others for some reason. I think thi is a little atyical from what other have told me and they seem to wish they had the same firewall as me since they think it kept my core self protected and safe from damage. It's cool that you still managed to dare to do so in front of our boyfriend and that he sounds like he is supportive. So did you get rid of the "open for abuse association"?

[@Gizbi]

Yes!! Now I can’t cry anymore. I might for a couple seconds but as soon as I start crying it feels weird and then I’m just sitting there with tears like.... what do I do now? Do I keep going??? How?? 😂 My dad used to pull the “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” too

[@lindsey9335]

The 7 minute mark hit me like a wall of bricks. I've struggled since I was six with various obsessions/pain releif in the forms of eating and drinking problems and hurting myself, yet when I told family and friends they reacted in a way similar to Mike and "didn't care." It hurts like fuck. But I realize I need therapy and thank you for reminding me every day at 10 PST that I deserve to take care of myself.

[@MsCameraMan75]

I feel you. I started tearing up at about that same time like damn he hit a tender spot

[@polinadenisova8665]

This week I've been feeling very vulnerable (just out of hospital and depressed because of all the stress I've been going through), and for the first time since I could remember I told my partner how insecure and scared I felt. Honestly, I was horrified and dead certain that my partner would leave me, because no one would ever want me in this state (I am weak! I am needy!), but he said he was glad I shared it with him and would be happy to comfort me whenever I felt like that. It may not sound like much, but I'm still overwhelmed.

[@polinadenisova8665]

@@EmOrganizer thank you, Marielle! Doing my best :)

[@lindsey9335]

Please take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon! Sending virtual hugs to you!

[@polinadenisova8665]

@@lindsey9335 Thank you so much! I'm resting a lot and taking my meds. Hugging you back!

[@sonyabracho2347]

I’m overwhelmed and it’s your story not mine. Thanks for sharing. It’s beautiful! Hope you continue to heal and can find peace and happiness. You deserve it!

[@jeaniemccormick9797]

Best wishes to you along with a virtual Hug. You'll find that each new day things get easier. God bless you.

[@DanielleMarieW]

It does appear “he’s just a normal chill dude.” I believe there are a lot of guys like this. And sadly a lot are not emotionally functional. Thanks for pointing this out because I literally want to shout “you don’t have to live like this!” To Mike. I have guy friends who hate the idea of seeking help or counselling because it’s like admitting they are broken or incompetent or something like that. Which also makes me sad.

[@avonmalka]

It's like the most normal thing on the world.

[@colettephair]

Mike reminds me of my ex and Natalie of me somewhat. He was the good "normal" guy while I was the "weird" one - but he fell into alcoholism, losing job after job, and eventually stopped opening up emotionally all together. He's never been in therapy that I know of as it's supposedly other people who are messed up, and he sees himself as the savior who has no needs. This codependent dynamic makes sense when you're in a place where you need to be healed (at least the "weird" partner) but ultimately the lack of equality and vulnerability ends the relationship.

[@avonmalka]

@@colettephair your description of your ex reminds me of my old alcoholic grandpa bless his heart. I hope he is able to get help to open up. Glad you have moved on.

[@lisaess6514]

Compulsively tuning into Dr Honda at 1 and 3 EST especially today when I need a break from the turmoil in DC.

[@Nikkiluvphilly]

stay strong, Stay safe

[@Ameliamaemay1990]

Hope you’re ok. Hope you feel safer today ❤️

[@moomoocachoo9025]

I love the analogy of seeking help to understand your emotions is similar to any other basic need, like drinking water or going to the washroom.

[@sugaredyoongi]

I will say, as someone who is terrified to go therapy, hearing kirk advocate for it for half a year always helps me consider it more. If this man actually makes me go and also makes me look for a therapist I actually feel comfortable with, he deserves an award

[@mandymcj9]

Genuine question- what scares you about it?

[@sugaredyoongi]

@@mandymcj9 I'm not even really sure. I had a couple of experiences with therapists making me feel bad or the therapeutic relationship ending really abruptly and those experiences actually made my issues worse, so I think I'm scared of that happening again. The whole concept of meeting new people and having to call them/talk to them/be vulnerable with them is scary to me because of social anxiety. I'm scared the therapist won't like me or I won't like the therapist but I won't have the guts to say anything about it because I suck at saying no. In general I find asking for help scary because what if I get rejected? I think the whole process just hits me right in all my vulnerabilities and defences. Which probably means it would be really good for me to to try to push through those but I haven't been able to yet. I fear the possible emotional turmoil that all of this could bring, but at the same time I do think that if I would actually find a therapist that fits well with me it would be incredibly beneficial in my life. I often joke that I need a therapist to help me with the process of getting a therapist 😅

[@mandymcj9]

​@@sugaredyoongi Oh my goodness, it makes perfect sense that you would be trepidatious about this, especially if you have social anxiety and have not had great experiences previously! It sounds you have a lot of self awareness which is a huge first step (and what most on 90 day seem to be lacking) and you're starting off further than a lot of people just by having that. It seems just like you said- even taking the steps to set up the appointment is fraught with all of the things that you are hoping for guidance with. Is there anyone you know who sees a therapist who could recommend someone and that person could give a sort of disclaimer for the first steps of contact to help pave the way? Or is there any way of communicating with a therapist that makes it feel more safe? Depending on where you live, maybe there are psychologists who make online content like Dr. Honda that might be able to give recs closer to where you live. Also, many psychologists list their email addresses on their websites or on psychologytoday. Would sending them an email saying you're trying to find the right fit, but you have social anxiety and a strong fear of being rejected and seem to interpret things as rejection so you're unsure how to proceed feel any safer? Rather than a phone call or just jumping into a first session blind?

[@sugaredyoongi]

@@mandymcj9 I think sending an email and asking about those things you suggested would be a great idea! I think that I always have an impulse to hide my anxieties and not ask for any "extra" help with them, but maybe that's not the way to go here. I was also thinking that it would be a good idea to tell the person beforehand that I have trouble with admitting when I don't think we're a good fit and that I really want to search for someone I feel comfortable with above anything else. I think it would probably help if a therapist knew these things beforehand so they can be sensitive about it and help me navigate the whole thing. I don't really know anyone close to where I live who is in therapy unfortunately, so I'm gonna have to kinda find the person for myself. Thanks for sending me such a long reply with so many suggestions btw, that's really kind of you 😊

[@allosch9]

@@sugaredyoongi now I'm invested, have you been able to take that leap yet? I have some similar worries and anxieties and am still hunting for a therapist that's a good fit and think I'll take the suggestion that was given to you about emailing them and disclosing those worries right away! I have successfully found an amazing fit with a therapist for my ocd, but also really need a general therapist to deal with everything else and am struggling to find that good fit and have so much difficulty bringing up that I don't think it's a good fit.

[@turtlerampage9249]

I finallh started therapy 3 weeks ago because of how often this channel tells me I deserve it. 😂💕

[@Griselda_Puppy]

I am genuinely *proud* of you!

[@turtlerampage9249]

@@Griselda_Puppy Thank you 💕

[@evanz2704]

It's right there in the way he says it: He wants to shut off his brain. That's exactly what ropes people into substance abuse. He can't deal, he doesn't want to deal, no one helps him to deal, so he tries to make the situation go away and suppress his bad feelings. He will always reach out for substances to "cope" with things if he doesn't get help.

[@Allisonsaul]

💯

[@sugaredyoongi]

Jokes on you because when I need to go to the bathroom I will definitely procrastinate on that too 😅

[@cellophanpapier]

I can relate :D

[@jourbanik6283]

Especially in the morning when you try to find this one position that will let you stay in bed half an hour longer :D

[@Griselda_Puppy]

*ALWAYS* 😂🤣

[@colettephair]

So in my business school program, the other students and some professors got very angry, judgmental, and controlling about people leaving the room during class sessions. One even suggested we should be timed and have a 5-minute time limit to go to the bathroom. Sure there were breaks in between, but all told we were in there 5 hours or more a day. Anyway this reminded me of that and the very ANAL people I used to coexist with before 2020 happened.

[@meaganpucksuzy]

Wow Dr. Honda, I don't think I've ever heard you explain in such detail why emotions are so important, and why it's so hard to learn to express your needs. I really needed to hear that full thought put into words, thank you!!

[@oisheesen7949]

I've been trying to get myself to go to therapy for months, basically since this pandemic started and I started watching your videos. They helped me conceptualize my relational traumas and realize I needed to work through them with a professional. It took a long time, but every time I watched your show you reiterated that I needed to go, which built up a little more of my conviction, and today I finally made my first appointment. Thank you so much!!

[@carlasclasses9037]

When I first watched this season with this couple, I was completely on Mike’s “side”. I felt that his reactions were “normal” and justified. However, I’ve gone to therapy since them to work through some issues that were negatively effecting my relationship. Now, I see Mike’s reactions in a completely different light and have also began to have healthier, more communicative reactions to controversy in my relationships. Thank you for shedding light on Mike’s reactions. It’s been very helpful and eye-opening.

[@carr0760]

From watching these videos I learned that I default to stonewalling when I'm flooded. Consequently, I also learned that what I need to do is say "I'm overwhelmed; I need a few minutes. I have to go for a bit but I will call/come back as soon as I am able." I then go do something soothing like listen to music, make music, have some tea, colour, or even just sob hysterically for a few minutes. Then I can find my words and go back to the conversation. Usually those words involve communicating a personal need or desire. That's really hard for me because I always subvert my needs for others, which totally explains why I just shut down in a conflict...I didn't realise what I was doing or how to do it "better" until I started watching these videos. It ultimately helps the other person too because they aren't left sitting there trying to force me to speak, and when I do come back they're usually really willing to just listen because they know it was hard for me to find my words. It has been super helpful. Thanks, Dr. Kirk!

[@lavinder11]

Yeah my family discouraged displaying any vulnerability. It makes sense considering where we grew up. If you show any weakness, you'll be targeted. It took a while to shake that mindset.

[@dreamingfool2]

This is why I have some contention with Dr. Honda's assessment that we as a society discourage emotion. My family comes from Mexico where the display of affection, love, sorrow, etc meant weakness because evil organizations preyed upon it. The "poker face" or stoicism was a way to not let the bullies see that they got to you. Unfortunately, this became a societal norm due to these type of oppressive conditions. While it isn't right, simply writing it off as a societal choice rather then the survival coping mechanism of generations of emigrants, dangerous living conditions, wars, gangs, refugees, social media bullying, etc.

[@michaelsotomayor5001]

@@dreamingfool2 nothing wrong with loving family. Nothing wrong with being "strong" willed or emotionless. At this point it would be fruitful to read on Diogenes. There's nothing wrong with good and bad emotions.. but read on his philosophy.. it will help clear things up. You're right with family and health.. it's best to have a more open perspective on the rest of life. It will make you even more stronger and a more loving person.

[@TB-rx1ue]

@@dreamingfool2 yes, what you describe is a trauma response. Dr Kirk explains that’s why kids develop this coping mechanism. It’s always out of necessity. But after a certain point, it’s a choice... when you use that tool to cope in situations where it doesn’t apply like in the safety of a spouse. It requires developing other coping mechanisms that are healthy. Showing force to a bully, is the only language they speak. I sure hope partners in love learn to speak in other “languages”

[@kristinaoanitsirk]

I think sometimes people leave without saying anything, because they already feel tears bursting out from their eyes and if they say anything more they would cry... I think sometimes people walk off not to start to cry.

[@kmonkey8874]

Thanks for the content 😃 i was literally staring at my phone refreshing your page.

[@elephantshoes]

Me too😀

[@kl6902]

Unfortunately, drinking water won’t cure my kind of thirsty 😬 Every time Dr. Kirk talks about being thirsty and drinking water, I’m dying 😆 Too bad humans don’t always respond to emotional cues but our pets do ❤️ If I start to cry, my cats come running, rubbing on me, purring, cuddling. I know dogs do that too. Animals are so so much more perceptive than humans.

[@evanz2704]

They're also dependent on you, so of course they make sure you're okay 😉 Just like small children will.

[@elladickson586]

Dr Kirk, *please* start reacting to *1000-Lb Sisters*, I'd be REALLY interested to hear your thoughts on that relationship and their history and struggles!

[@doribi05]

I Second This! I want to see his reaction and commentary on there family relationships

[@abbys.9233]

The pure, heartfelt, authentic passion at 3:26 is one of the reasons I love and appreciate Dr. Honda.

[@evanz2704]

🤗

[@TheguyfromScotland]

Mike's belief in aliens and adamant attitude to reject religion is as much valid in my opinion as Natalie's individual interpretation of love. It is as much hurt for her to reject the prospect of getting to know her faith , as it is to him to only accept the interpretation of love that he would like to see. I don't know maybe I am wrong on this, but it seems this way.

[@ashtelevision]

Hey Dr. Honda- thank you so much for these videos. I don’t have the money to afford therapy right now, however I’ve used some advice you’ve given in these videos in a couple discussions with my significant other. That you so much. It’s helped me to dig a little deeper and my relationship is better off because of that. Thank you so much.

[@abigaillynn5588]

Dr Kirk i dont know if you see these but thank you for helping me learn about myself. I just received the worst hurt another person has put on me, but I'm not numbing myself anymore. I feel like the things I've learned from you have filled the spaces, and my partner and I might even have a chance. We do have a therapist but boy, a $5 Patreon subscription is MUCH more affordable to fill in the gaps. Thank you Dr. Kirk. I hope you know the good you have done and continue to do for all of us.

[@MissMiisha]

I love how descriptive and in depth this is! Putting emotions in that perspective really made it easier to understand.

[@bearswithglasses]

Crying is also a defense mechanism to protect us from predators, like screaming when you're scared. :D

[@chibikitti9947]

Sometimes I feel called out when I watch some of these videos, which isn't a bad thing! It really helps me to think about what I want to talk about in therapy or I find that I relate to what you are talking about and it helps me reflect on myself and my past, but I didn't expect this video to help me with something huge. I have a really hard time connecting and understanding my emotions because I've spent YEARS learning to numb myself and I never even knew what I needed, ever. I never told anyone what I needed because I never knew what that was, but when you explained therapy and corrective experience I was led to ponder what sounded good for me based on your examples and I started crying, which is super rare, because I finally realized something that I need!! Yay! Sorry for the really long message but I'm really excited about this and just needed to share my experience!

[@Amber-oc9ih]

The corrective experiences I had in therapy changed my life, I never realised before my therapist showed me I deserved to be cared about that I hadn't been letting other people take care of me. I didn't know why I felt lonely because I felt like I had friends but now the relationships I have with other people are so much deeper and I don't feel lonely anymore. I will always be grateful for that.

[@mariestacey3479]

I thought we were going to get caught in a forever loop of him saying, "When we have a feeling of thirst-" *cuts himself off with random new thought* "When we have a feeling of thirst-" *cuts himself off with another new thought*

[@bixler3463]

Hahaha he reminded me of Christopher walked when he was so intrigued with his mason jar

[@Fuzballoffur]

I really appreciate what you were saying about avoidant attachment and accepting our emotions as signals. I am a little bit on the avoidant side, but regularly will put myself on the line in an attempt to get my needs met. It is often hit and miss, but I have been able to maintain enough strength to try again. However, this last year I was met with some health challenges and nightly panic attacks that caused me to need a lot of support from my family. Unfortunately I was often met with distain or laughter in my times of need. This deeply wounded me and I was just about to give up on putting myself out there and fully retreat to licking my wounds in private. Hearing what you said about finding glasses everywhere gives me hope for future relationships and more appreciation for the people outside of my family that met me with compassion.

[@briG469]

I really like that you compared the need to expressing your emotions to needing a drink of water. that is on point

[@beatrix-ec1xf]

Each video you talk a little sense into me thank you for uploading and being a youtuber!

[@stormieo4252]

I can DEFINITELY relate to what you said when describing Mike, therapy has been incredible.

[@madmisskelly]

You see, that's the problem right there. My body is all "I'm so thirsty! Water!" I drink coffee or another form of caffeine instead ahahaha

[@rabbitblue1083]

You are so helpful to us with all these valuable information! Couldn’t be more grateful, things finally makes sense!

[@mariajenkins943]

These videos helped me realize why I slowly quit going to therapy over the last year... I thought it was because I wasn't getting anything out of it and just complaining. But I kept thinking back to the first time I had realy let my guard down and her reaction was shock and even judgment. I didn't realize at the time but all my walls went back up and I couldn't be vulnerable with her anymore. So all the following sessions I would complain about superficial things and hold back anything really affecting me. I should have talked to her about it instead of just quitting

[@HA-lg1lc]

My SO and I worked out early on that I need to get away if an argument gets too heated. It's something I struggle to communicate and he sometimes struggles to except, but the simple act of TALKING about it first can do a lot. Telling your partner what you already know about yourself can save so many arguments and hurt feelings. Even if you can't communicate in the moment, your partner understanding how and why you respond to things is a lifeline.

[@stellannie86]

I can definitely relate to how it feels when you're 24/7 dealing with all kinds of horrible negative emotions and constant hypervigilance. You feel like you need a break - just for a little while at least... And in that state instant gratification methods are very tempting.

[@evanz2704]

tell me about it... Covid makes it hard to not want to "shut off" for a couple of hours. I allow myself some slack, like a couple of hours of gaming or some unhealthy food. No use in denying yourself some instant gratification in this situation to avoid turning to other substances. It's nearly Impossible to remain emotionally and physically balanced right now, so... 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@Allisonsaul]

“I need someone to tell me I’m a good person.... can you tell me I’m a good person?” Did not expect to be personally attacked today... 🥺

[@francesfehrman741]

Your a good man.mike. let her go. She's always putting you down, insulting you, complaining about everything...do you want that in a partner?

[@sonyabracho2347]

I like Mike’s friend. He doesn’t push- he just listens and supports.

[@moohHa22]

Oh wow, I was having a rough day today, emotionally, and felt like the whole Lockdown experience was getting on top of me, amongst some other things. What you’re saying about not showing emotions makes a huge amount of sense, thank you for explaining it the way you do. I’m seeing my own therapist tomorrow (it’s been over a year now) and I know it makes a huge positive difference but it’s a rough road sometimes 😅 she’s awesome and shows a great deal of care, so if you can slog through the tough bits, it’s totally worth doing for yourself. Your videos are brilliant, my boyfriend and I regularly get stuck in and really like your delivery and content. Thanks for being awesome and making my day a little brighter ☺️🤗

[@jaedeforrest]

For whatever reason I LOVE these mike and Natalie ones. They’re my favorite

[@GrayDIllustration]

They are def the lowest on the cartoon-y scale. lol I think that makes their situation more nuanced and interesting? ESPECIALLY Mike this season.

[@mclovespizza5960]

Same

[@anapm2927]

I'd listen to your point of view/thoughts on anything for hours on end. It's fun to see how you perceive things.

[@stefanaurora4958]

May I say it is the most amazing explanation about feelings?🤗🤗🤗 Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge! You are beyond words...You made my day💯

[@Authentistic-ism]

Another thing to consider, and I think you've hinted at this before, is that Mike is very uncomfortable at the cameras being around for his vulnerability even more than he might otherwise be. I can tell in that last interview shots he just wants the crew gone from his house already so he can resume Gathering his thoughts and processing. I only have this insight because I recognized his facial expression

[@LakiniR9]

Yeah... I think the 'do you love him' interview would have been especially hard to go through on camera. It could have been a rather humiliating moment to have to go through on tape and to process that shock under scrutiny...

[@missj5191]

Dr. Kirk, do you watch entire episodes or only clips? Before he arrived, she told him that she loves him - she even hoped to conceive during this visit. Does that change your perspective at all? Not being able to answer when asked whether she loved him must have been crushing. Sadly, I would probably shut down as well.

[@Jinxi928]

Couldn't agree more!

[@LakiniR9]

I agree!! I feel like around video #10 the focus shifted to mainly discussing Mike's issues and ways he could act differently. Natalie seems to have at least as many issues as Mike. I guess acting avoidant is a more obvious thing to comment on, but to the level Mike does it I think it's more functional and understandable than some of Natalie's behaviour.

[@icidaimon5670]

Your explanation of compulsive behaviours was so helpful for me, thank you

[@BethAndromeda]

"Let's see if something interesting comes out of my face" says Dr. Honda and I think... Well I'm here to hear and learn how not to be a jerk face 😁 Thanks Dr. Honda for educating us 🎇

[@stellannie86]

The hug was such a sweet moment. 💛

[@WJuliet61]

I actually took a drink of water when you talked about thirst. Haha

[@bashmeesh]

Me too lol

[@Sierath]

Me too! 😄

[@chanelhoward3059]

Hey Dr Honda, I love your content. I’d really be intrigued to hear your thoughts on the Plath family from the TLC show “Welcome to Plathville”...they’re an interesting bunch 😬 (to say the least)

[@sarahge8020]

Major content for the concept of family systems!!

[@Laura-sn7mh]

I can’t wait to hear what you say about them in this new season 🙌🏻 because she in my opinion needs to find someone more like her

[@baobao8459]

I want to say thank you to you Dr. I am avoidant and my bf is slightly preoccupied, every time we argued I need time to calm down and try not to say anything hurtful to my bf, and also just try to forget the argument, and during my calm down period of time, bf would think that nobody cares about him and I am punishing him. After I started watching your videos I acknowledge that how terrible my reaction is, I still need some calm down time, but the time length cutting from a day to few hours and I can talk about it.... still long way to go but I believe I am improving and will handle things better in the future.

[@miraclenichols4332]

Happy New Year Dr. H!!! Thanks for all your insight!!

[@awetree6765]

The more you describe avoidant attachment the more I think this must be me. I thought at first, because I do tend to cry, that I wasn’t. However, most of the other stuff you describe is pretty relatable. Especially hating my emotions. I was really lucky to find really good people in my life to help provide corrective experiences before I even watched these videos and became aware of what was happening. Thank you for your videos that can give us some insight on ourselves.

[@TheDanielle20009]

My son's father is like Mike... He shuts down and tries to not feel his emotions or be vulnerable.. It so hard to deal with because he gets aggressive as a defense mechanism. Not sure how to help him and it just pushes me away. He also doesn't believe in therapy. I don't know what to do anymore.. I don't want to walk away because I know he hurts but I don't think I can manage the lack of vulnerability for much longer 😔

[@CastielMelmoth]

This was a beautiful episode thanks to all you said, Dr. Honda. Thank you very much 💖

[@elviramirra8159]

Thank you Dr. Kirk from Russia. You improve my English.

[@jane347]

Yes he speaks very clear

[@waterycristina]

When he said coping with thirst I realized I was thirsty and just ignoring it 😂 thank you for reminding me to listen to my body

[@joyrichards5745]

I'm always really surprised by others comments about Mike and how it seems like a lot of people feel like this is normal or acceptable behaviour for someone who is hurt or specifically a male. I get really triggered by Mike. I find him to have a really low emotional IQ, and his passive aggressive silence and comments like "great going away party" to me is really antagonistic and manipulative, rather than self preservational.

[@spiralmewtrix]

A month ago during my performance evaluation at work, I started crying in front of my two supervisors. I made it a point to not apologize for crying as that is something I've done a lot in the past, and they were gracious by grabbing some tissue for me and not judging me for it.

[@akirebara]

OMG me and Dr. Kirk have the same Ball jar we drink our water from!! I literally have it next to me all day haha!

[@nouralabase6302]

I’m a therapist myself and I always find myself on Dr.Honda’s page. I feel like I’ve learned so much more from doc than my masters program. 😂🙌🏼

[@alexiasrevenge2879]

Me and my girlfriend split up today so this video is much appreciated your videos make me happy

[@bixler3463]

Hope you’re doing alright! Now I suppose this is half a week later but yeah hope you’re feeling okay

[@alexiasrevenge2879]

@@bixler3463 Getting there thank you for asking that means a lot! Hope you're doing okay too!

[@bixler3463]

@@alexiasrevenge2879 Good for you! I’m not too great with break ups. I should have went no contact with my last ex now he still messages and it’s so bitter sweet. But doesn’t have the same power it used to so I have that going for me! I’m glad you’re sounding optimistic!

[@sharon7968]

Always happy to see your new content. Happy New Year Dr Honda I hope you and your family had a peaceful Xmas and New Year :)

[@lblack1961]

I love his uncle 💗The care was so obvious in his face.

[@bixler3463]

Yeah true that was a sweet moment! But I’m sorry to burst this bubble but apparently he had a horrible track record and criminal record with abuse. This is why Natalie most likely wanted him gone

[@abbys.9233]

Excellent video Dr. Honda and PIS team!

[@JP8771]

This reminds me of the way I was eight years ago and the first relationship I was in. I could not communicate my needs to my partner, and she couldn't either in an effective way. Watching this has felt so tragic, because I want to pull him aside and tell him I've been there and I can help you find the way out.

[@LakiniR9]

Would it be possible to discuss how Natalie is avoidant too? I think there is a decent possibility that the things she said and did that hurt Mike were at least partly due to being upset and angry at his persistent and blunt questioning about the visa (I think a lot of people would've been hurt and offended, and taken a while to get over that). But she didn't address that specifically to Mike at all after that conversation (at least not on camera), it was all vague comments about their relationship and what she wanted.

[@Mimi-ip6vv]

we have jars for cups like that too in our house :P

[@elleon5288]

Omg when you brought up drinking water, I took a few gulps and then you asked “how many of you just drank water?” I feel silly for being so giddy at this moment but it feels good to have an interaction lol.

[@Attabasca]

I totally agree with Dr. Honda about crying, that it is a signal to the tribe that we are sad and that we need some attending to. I mean, just consider how (most) people respond to someone crying. Never mind our child, a family member or a friend. Think about if you see a random stranger weeping or just someone acting out a crying scene for a show. It affects us in a very visceral way. It creates this bridge of empathy and sympathy. So many of us will start tearing up as well.

[@Yoga665]

Dr Honda, PLEASE review This Is Us!!! It’s not because I want to see you cry, but your opinion of teenage Kate’s relationship from season 4 (episodes 13 and 14) would be SO interesting! The entire series is great, but I’m on these episodes and I’d love to see if I’m right. Haha!

[@scry4204]

i love your videos very much, but i do agree that sometimes theres alot of talking, what's great but would be cool if it could be 60 % talking 40% clips :D still here to listen and learn more in the future 😃❤️

[@maschinka_]

Yeah I would like that too, I also like when there’s these really long videos where it’s mostly kind of a 60/40 talking and watching but then at one point of the video he talks about something for a long time and more in depth but the rest of the video is still balanced

[@christinefaulk6531]

I agree. I normally fast-forward to the next clip immediately after he makes his point.

[@saintclaire1201]

3:20 Our emotions are our friends. 3:24 Emotions tell us our needs. It's "important" for you to know that. #mindblown I came from a very strict, Asian-tiger mom environment and in the process of unlearning and learning emotions over again. It really helps my severe depression and anxiety, thanks Dr. Honda.

[@polinadenisova8665]

I'm here for Dr. Honda's comments and couldn't care less for the footage. Literally, the less I see of 90DF, the better :D

[@sweetiedahling8137]

Perhaps the screenshot of a bottle of Crown Royal was not the best to show for that long when the point was to drink (non-numbing) water 😉

[@evanz2704]

☕ here, have some coffee. We don't need that stuff. 😉

[@honeycrawford3198]

I totally had a drink just as Dr. Honda said-- now how many people are gonna have a drink of water. lol. This reaction was particularly helpful. I relate to both Mike and Natalie, and I agree that they are somewhat similar in their responses to conflict.

[@annaamericanaccent9184]

I also have lots of jars for drinking, some of them identical to Dr. Honda's. Very American, there's nothing wrong with that... :)

[@EG-im6nu]

I want a shirt that says "there's a casino in sequim...and I've been there!"

[@kisuji2469]

Dr. Kirk, when I am watching Mike I feel like it's easy for me to see his feelings on his face and I can highly empathize with him. However, he has been described as being avoidant and not expressive with his feelings. Can being avoidant yourself or being around/having grown up around avoidant people make someone more attuned?

[@LakiniR9]

That's an interesting question... I feel the exact same way as you about Mike. I really wonder whether it's always necessary to spell it out to someone when you're hurt by something they said/ did. It's not always that difficult to sense that someone is hurt, without them having to vocalize it, and often you can figure out what it was you said and even why they were affected by it (if the person is quite straightforward like Mike). To me, the person that did the hurtful thing has a responsibility to be perceptive and introspective and try to make it right. There are multiple examples where Mike shows outward expression of his feelings, he does show vulnerability to a certain extent, much more than some of the other men that have been on this show. So, I wish Dr. Kirk had talked more about degrees of 'avoidance'...

[@sarabobara8458]

Dr. Kirk, are you going to continue with Colt and Larissa? Things change SO MUCH with his next partner and it really re frames everything we know about Colt before that.

[@SadeMetsavirta]

Damn I think I might have an avoidant attachment style...Is it also possible to have that with some characteristics from the anxious attachment style? I'm learning so much from these videos, thank you so much!

[@dbsscout]

Quick note that is probably only important to me. When someone ignores their emotions they are being stoic, but they are not a Stoic or practicing stoicism. Stoicism is an ancient greek philosophy of life, it can greatly help you not feeling distraught, but it is not about hiding your emotions. Stoicism is all about building a good character.

[@LatteSmurf]

Question: If crying isn't at least partially about a chemical release, why do I feel better after a good cry even if there's nobody around who I could hypothetically be signaling to? This is a genuine question, sorry if it sounds sarcastic.

[@b.t.9071]

Accepting that emotions are not bad is HARD! consciously choose to sit with the feeling and try to figure out what need it represents instead of ignoring or disassociating from it is SO HARD! It is really worth it. (or so therapy and these videos seem to say) I just wish I knew exactly what I was going to get from doing it, and when. I wish I had a clear view of what this will change for me ( I should probably ask my therapist). I wonder what some general things that most people would get from this are.... anyone have any ideas? Or willing to share what they got from doing that?

[@lipereira2542]

At least he doesn’t seem to be scared of people, so maybe he did not get the proper care but he was not punish for having feelings when he was a toddler and or older

[@secretwasian]

LOL I drank water when you talked about thirst and drank yours too 😂

[@missvinnet5507]

I need a therapist reacts episode where Dr. Honda time travels to observe cavemen interpersonal dynamics. Don't tease us if you can't deliver lol

[@SNQ1989]

I grew up in Kirkland, Wa... so beautiful I miss it so much!!

[@LittleGrandpaSimpson]

Dr. Honda: How many of you just took a drink of water after I did that? Me with a bottle to my face: Are you a wizard?

[@kirendeepsandhu8018]

damn dr honda you really got deep there- it really resonated

[@caroldumard1]

I actually took a zip of water with you! Always have my bottle with me ^^

[@ilsedemucha5134]

When it comes to emotions tho, I find that the need is rarely met. Personally, I have never had a need met whenever I had an emotional response to someone. I find that I have no choice but to cope with emotions when I seek for needs to be met and they never are. I appreciate the thirst metaphore but I dont't find it realistic, especially when one's emotional problems require the help of others to be fixed. Although I trust my therapist, I am well aware my therapist isn't everyone. People in real life aren't willing to listen and help like a therapist, and that's simply reality. In my perspective anyway.

[@IsMiseAine]

Dr. Kirk giving the stalker vibes hiding out in trees spying on his Tribal Ancestors 😂😂😂 Also yes I did have a big drink and then had to pee!! 😂😂😂 Big love Dr. K 💚🇮🇪💚🇮🇪💚

[@seemu2927]

why do we have water spewing out of heads - hahaha. right on

[@Blizzard757575]

Wow. Thank you.

[@jaedeforrest]

I really wish he would do Steven from Steven and Olga. I feel like he has a lot to dissect

[@Sunny888]

Yes!! now that was one of the saddest couples on the show espesh Olga's backstory combined with his rude behaviour

[@jaedeforrest]

@@Sunny888 I know:( I was really scared for her. I had an ex just like him and I wanna hear what his views are on that couple

[@PCkitten]

Now I wonder what all the different emotions are prompting from us. Sure beeing sad and showing that so other people stop whatever makes us sad and comfort us, but what about anger? When we are angry about a situation we can not change in any way, what are we supposed to do with that emotion?