90 Day Fiancé - (Tiffany & Ronald #4) - Harm - Therapist Reacts

Dr. Kirk Honda, couples therapist, reacts to 90 Day Fiancé - Tiffany and Ronald. Includes clips from 90 Day Fiancé, Happily Ever After? Season 6.
Therapist reaction to the reality television.
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Trigger Warning: This episode may include topics such as assault, trauma, and discrimination. If necessary, listeners are encouraged to refrain from listening and care for their safety and well-being.
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#90DayFiancé #90Day #TiffanyandRonald

[@Nettiebae]

Dr. H has taken something that I disliked, the exploitative and unethical behavior of reality TV, and turned it into a powerful learning opportunity. I could light a building with all the lightbulb moments I’ve had about myself watching these videos. You have to know there is a problem to fix it. Knowledge is power. Thanks for the empowerment Doc.

[@briiirosado5025]

I agree! I feel like I am learning so much from these videos and I really apply them to personal relationships

[@shakeurbooTAY]

I’m a Communication Studies student and I while I was taking an exam for a conflict management class I came across a question about triangulation and I instantly heard Dr. H talking about Libby and her family lol. Definitely helped the concept stick! Thanks Dr. H!

[@Nettiebae]

@@shakeurbooTAY I’m such a Dr. H fan girl. 😌

[@briiirosado5025]

@@shakeurbooTAY I also study Communications!! Haha

[@lorip9600]

I agree; knowledge is power. And, as Dr. Phil says "You can't fix what you don't acknowledge."

[@FeatheredAndLethal]

Feel so bad for Daniel. You know he’s gonna blame himself if they split up

[@pinkpugginz]

spoiler they already are getting divorced

[@FabiolaRVela]

@@pinkpugginz poor Daniel 😔

[@liskofod8711]

💕💞💕 Feel SO SORRY for Daniel 💕💞💕

[@excellentttt]

when*

[@cloo6984]

Daniel will grow up. He's very aware, mature beyond his years and intelligent. When he's grown and starts putting all the facts together..Tiffany will be on another reality show trying to figure out why her son doesn't want anything to do with her.

[@TD-ln2tg]

Oh yeah, at 17 I was triangulated by my parents during their divorce. Dad told me about his suicidal ideations and how he tried to convince my mom to stay. Mom leaned on me for support and I had to step in to keep the house in order for my younger siblings. It changed our relationship forever. I became a people pleaser, I put myself last in all relationships/situations- it has significantly altered my life. Better parenting is the fastest way to change the world.

[@Erin-ho8qu]

Your last sentence is so fucking true. Sorry for your experience I had a similar but less extreme experience.

[@emilyhodges4983]

Me too I was about 14 when my parents got divorced and when they tried to drag me in to their arguments and explain their sides I would just completely shut down. I felt huge pressure being the oldest of 5. Didn’t even really speak to my dad for years and had terrible negative feelings towards both him and my mom for a long time. I’m 24 now and I’ve time to reflect and I have better relationships with both my mom and dad. But I do see how it’s changed me as a person forever. I’m definitely very aware of others feelings and always trying to make sure everybody is ok.

[@MAIMEDWOLF]

Man.. I relate to you so much. I hope youre doing well. It messed me up for life aswell. I hope you are able to understand one day that none of it was your fault and they put you in that position.

[@rachellllllla]

These episodes lately really break my heart. Daniel is so sweet and wise beyond his years and Ronald uses him as a sick tool to force Tiffany to stay with him

[@mtgsk5180]

Sad thing is she can shield him from that and put a stop to it. I really feel for Daniel. Breaks my heart

[@rachellllllla]

mtgsk so true :(

[@ingegerdthoren4296]

Agree ! Its terrible how Ronald treats Daniel And how could Tiffany even thinks about to go to South Africa whith the children?!! She know all about Ronalds problem and how its effects on Daniel or....not ?

[@Kkatss]

Especially when he buys the Christmas decorations :/

[@foxrox6]

He's only "wise beyond his years" because he's been parentified. It's often seen as a beautiful quality in children, but it should rather be seen as a sign/symptom.

[@ashley5864]

“It’s not just asking ‘what do I want?’ it’s asking ‘what do they want me to want?’” Couldn’t have said it any better. I was a child who was also triangulated into parents conflict. They’re divorced now and I’ve been going to therapy but this is still heartbreaking to watch Daniel & see it slowly play out

[@greenunicorn9908]

This my fear for Kahlani and Asuelo’s kids.

[@thedudeabides5695]

@@greenunicorn9908 We've never seen K & A do that at all....

[@greenunicorn9908]

@@thedudeabides5695 true, but they have fought in front of the kids and kahlani keeps threatening divorce and says things like “I’m staying for the kids.”

[@AMLC0421]

I grew up somewhat poor, but my mother always made the simplest things seem wonderful! So that "asparagus tree" could have been made to look beautiful! Depends how you present things to a child.

[@RockyDaTherapist]

Yes! My mom used the angel I made out of toilet paper roll cardboard in Kindergarten until I was like 16. It made me feel special every year.

[@kokolatte825]

@@AMLC0421 exactly. Life is an adventure. I really don't like how people act like material things make a childhood good or not good. It honestly doesn't matter one way or another.

[@kimosabe818]

The roof of my car leaked and i had no money to fix it. But i made it fun, it became a game when mommy would get the water from the roof on her (usually on a round a bout so we would make exiting anticipating noises and cheer when the water fell on me). It's now one of our favorite memories eventhough my Kids now understand the reason behind it.

[@kimosabe818]

@@AMLC0421 i always get emotional thinking about it. Because it was an innocent time where the magical thinking of my children made my life more magical as well. I think that a paper angel is worth more then 600 dollar christmas ornaments. Because of the magic that children and parents create around it.

[@TheSReaction]

This!!!! Growing up poor wasn’t fun but we didn’t notice it half the time! Simple things were always appreciated.

[@LeandroVelez7]

I hope Daniel takes these tapes to his therapist.

[@Weds.Addams]

I have grown up to become a people pleaser, like you mentioned for Daniel. I really hope they fix this soon. I wouldn’t wish my anxiety on anyone, especially sweet Daniel.

[@prairiehorse6168]

The point about "people pleasing" at 5:44 really hits home! I always get nervous if people around me are upset and wonder if I need to something to make them less upset.

[@multiTgutta]

This made me realize my childhood was def taken from me matured at a young age and it was explained perfectly how it feels as a child

[@goosebump801]

Yes, me too

[@mizzviolets1499]

Ugh I have been the triangulated child my whole life!!! I have been triagulated between my parents marriage and between my siblings as the golden child in the family. The first time I was traigulated was when I was 6 years old. At 6, my mother told me about my grandparent's will and why it was causing her and my father fiancial stress and how unfair that was that my aunt would get more money when my grandparents died...blah blah blah....therapist for my mother at 6 years old!! Often adults would tell me at as a child how serious I was and mature for my age. At 10, my dad would confide in me about money issues. I remember being 10 years old up at night worrying about money and how much money I cost for my parents by simply existing. Even as an adult in my late 20's I am still really pissed off thinking about how anxious and nervous I felt during my entire childhood. Anxiety is still a big issue for me in adulthood btw.

[@m.r.e.5731]

Same here in many regards. God bless you in your healing journey..

[@mizzviolets1499]

@@m.r.e.5731 thank you!! Over a year in therapy and KZbin with Dr. Honda is helping

[@prairiehorse6168]

Sorry that sucks. Adults don't realize that even if a child appears "too mature for their age", they are still a kid and the effects of tringulation and oversharing can be long-lasting.

[@jclyntoledo]

Honestly no parents should make a child feel bad for existing and money issues 😬.. I'm sorry you went through that. I'm glad you're in the process of healing, you deserve that 🥰

[@HD-nt9fu]

I really think that this is a side effect of a mix of his gambling disorder contributing to manic spending habits and Tiffany’s fundamental misunderstanding of the economic divide. Despite all the above, I also think Ronald is massively immature and suffering culturally engrained toxic masculinity issues. SA is VERY sexist and still VERY racist.

[@cbz5283]

Do you base this on Ronald's behavior? America also has these problems.

[@ashleywalters2336]

One of my clients told me that his mom asked him if she should divorce his father. This was really harmful for him and blamed himself for his father’s alcoholism and ultimate passing.

[@nellybarrett7]

Aww that poor person how traumatizing for them prayers for that client!

[@casy6203]

Wow! I'm not surprised. Parents can suck

[@FabiolaRVela]

Omg that’s awful 😢

[@hektoria2310]

My stepfather was abusive, after one of the times he hit me my mom asked me if they should divorce, but I should know that she will be sad. I was like 10...

[@jclyntoledo]

🥺🥺... Rip to my youth 🎶

[@m.r.e.5731]

I hope Tiffany sees this.

[@suelawson7273]

I hope Ronald does too

[@secretpal6039]

I’ve always hated how Tiffany drags Daniel around the world to have him call some stranger “daddy.” He seems like such a good kid, but she’s messing him up for life.

[@pinkpugginz]

she's irresponsible and a pushover. she's forcing Daniel to be her babysitter

[@thedudeabides5695]

I've always been SO creeped out at the "Dad" thing...

[@jcam5064]

I hope she stays single and values herself. The last thing those kids need is another “daddy”.

[@thedudeabides5695]

@@jcam5064 Desperate women....never put the kids 1st.

[@Imowe_]

Well it’s not a stranger, it’s her husband (they were already married at this time)

[@RockyDaTherapist]

When they're in the states especially now that they out of her mom's it looks like Daniel is more of her partner.

[@m.r.e.5731]

Yes, especially the way he hauls that baby up the stairs on command like a dad or a nanny. Ugh.

[@pinkpugginz]

so ridiculous

[@RockyDaTherapist]

@@sabias3932 It’s on the current happily ever after season.

[@cloo6984]

I've always said, "Tiffany treats Daniel like 'her man' instead of her child!" It's a lousy mother who leaves her young son in charge of the baby while she's locked away in her room doing her "makeup" lives and bitching about Ronald to the world.

[@RockyDaTherapist]

@@cloo6984 I understand that single parents sometimes have to use their older children as helpers but I think this is a lot for Daniel. She’s also made comments like “even Daniel” wound understand things that Ronald doesn’t.

[@ilzejoy9875]

I live in South Africa and actually not far from this specific warehouse! It is unecessarily expensive and there are PLENTY of alternate cheaper shops they could have bought these supplies from. Ronald is taking advantage of Tiffany!!! And totally exploiting her! The dynamic between these two (and Daniel) is sickening! I feel so sorry for Daniel. His Mom has made some terrible decisions since meeting that fool!

[@DigitalDassie]

Exactly! We had a simple plastic tree growing up, with plastic PicknPay baubles and Boney M Christmas songs. What the hell kind of decorations is this guy buying for R10k???

[@ilzejoy9875]

@@DigitalDassie 😄😄😄 saaame!

[@acd1168]

His childhood was like mine. I felt resentful until I went to therapy. It is torture

[@JulesA5266]

Same! I'm still resentful sometimes on my bad days but therapy does help. I am glad that therapy is helping/has helped you!

[@saras.301]

Sorry that happened to you. My ex would triangulate our son even at 2 years old. I fear my son will grow up with anger and anxiety. How should I help him?

[@shundiin8]

@@saras.301 make sure therapy is not stigmatized (at least from your perspective) so he won’t be afraid to ask to talk to someone if he needs to. (Of course, you want the communication as open as possible with you as well). Also, please do your best to not talk trash about your ex in front of him. Even if your ex constantly puts you down when he has your son, you need to stay above that. He might not get it in the moment, but he really will appreciate you if you give him the chance to come to his own conclusion about his dad. Teach him good coping skills! Good eating habits, good physical fitness so he can go for a run instead of something destructive.

[@saras.301]

@@shundiin8 thank you for the advice. His dad has come around 3 times in over a year and talks to him on the phone somewhat weekly, so he is in and out of his life. My son is confused, he asks why his dad doesn't want him or why he left. I feel so bad for him. I dont talk bad about his dad bc I dont want him to grow up resentful, but he still is angry at him many days.

[@jclyntoledo]

@@saras.301 🥺 That's heartbreaking but I'm glad you are knowledgeable about how your words about his dad affect him. My parents constantly bickered so much so I still get anxiety whenever there's conflict even when it doesn't involve me and it's being carried out in a calm mature way. 😬 I also associate holidays with either of my parents to be bad since they'd always try to make me feel bad if I saw one over the other.

[@megannapier9269]

From how it's portrayed, Ronald has contributed zero financially to the kids, and Tiffany has been working to support all of them. Ronald doesn't seem to understand adult responsibilities or the burden of raising a family. This little boy's life is so sad.

[@thedudeabides5695]

SO creepy the way he calls him "Dad" so quickly.

[@coralieelliott2076]

She gets the money for the show and then she doles it out--they both should be paid equally but apparently only the American gets the money.

[@TheSReaction]

Rick M I fully place blame on Tiffany for allowing Daniel to call Ronald “dad” even before meeting him in person! I would not allow that for my son, absolutely not!

[@aba1design]

Keep in mind his money is worth 1/16 what Tiffany's is so it takes wayyyyyy longer to afford anything. Plus he could still be paying of debts from his gambling addictions.

[@cbz5283]

Tiffany is completely supported by her family. So "does makeup" for a living.

[@lavinder11]

It's a sad situation. Ronald is over-compensating because he wants his family to stay with him. He already knows that Tiffany isn't staying, so he's trying his best to manipulate Daniel to convince Tiffany. I have no words for her, but I feel for Daniel. It seems like he's been more mature than his mother since the beginning.

[@thedudeabides5695]

One thing that the Doc didn't touch upon was the fact that Ronald used to steal his mother blind to support his gambling addiction. So it makes perfect sense that he wouldn't want his mother to hear ANYTHING negative about him, being that she already has a low opinion of him. He would be especially sensitive to her disapproval.

[@maryjane2965]

This is heartbreaking, poor poor Daniel. I hope he manages to heal properly in the future from this mess !

[@rachelm1713]

I was heavily triangulated in my parents arguments growing up and it forever damaged my view on relationships. I am an only child. They both never liked to talk to each other about their problems but would often talk to me in the car on my way to school or the store. It was always "your dad is lazy" or "your mom is blowing this out of proportion". If they got into an actual argument, they would just sit silently in the living room with the TV off. It never seemed like they loved each other and I had no real model for communication. I have been through over 10 years of therapy and I feel like I learn something new every year about the negative effect their relationship had on me. Please do NOT use kids as therapists. It was so damaging and I never thought I was good enough because I couldn't fix their problems.

[@Jessiemadanat]

This is when reality shows make me feel icky. When it's clearly disfunction.

[@carpenter002]

same - i usually cringe but this made me feel awful

[@dedu98]

"Look at what your mom does to me!" My dad shouted. When at my mom's, my mom would say my dad was unstable. An unstable guy. Ever since I was little my parents fought. I had no siblings, an only child, and to constantly move between apartments hearing one parent complain about the other I was always forced to pick sides or play double agent. It was really hard for me as a child because they were just my parents, nothing else. I didn't care about their conflict to that extent that I needed to be reminded every time I swapped between being with my mom and my dad... but still it kept on happening. I won't continue this ramble but there is more to my story.. Trust me.

[@jessk457]

I was triangulated into my parents relationship as a child, and still am. I felt like i couldn't have problems because i was managing everyone else's. It is a constant source of stress and guilt and probably the source of my pessimism in regards to relationships. I should also add that the guilt and failure has given me very low self worth, but ironicly the dependency my parents have on me kept me from suicide. It can be agony though.

[@rainstorm571]

I’m surprised that Ronald is still using a credit card, I would think that would be part of his recovery to only use cash

[@pinkpugginz]

or prepaid debit

[@edytawoz7685]

It was actually Tiffany who wanted him to use the credit card only so that she could have access to information on all his spendings. Don’t know if it’s a good or bad move but I remember them having this conversation

[@thedudeabides5695]

That doesn't make sense....why?

[@thedudeabides5695]

@@edytawoz7685 That's right! I forgot about that!

[@jacq_sparrow]

I can’t believe they keep putting Daniel in this position smh. 😤

[@hopebullard460]

"Making it hard for him to want to leave." What?? Stop trying to buy this kid!! It's not okay. 😞 It sucks being in the middle. 680$$? 😖😖 YIKES

[@loganloggenberg7392]

As someone from South Africa can I just say R10 000 south african rands for christmas decorations is INSANE. For reference a plane ticket from South Africa to Thailand is about R10 000. The most people spend on Xmas decs is about R500 🙃 insane

[@annebooyse1112]

R10 000 is a lot of money. A quarter of my husband's salary, as a pharmacist.

[@cbz5283]

I feel so ashamed to be represented by Ronald (I know he does not really represents SA, but this is the image he gi es out). This guy is the worst. But it's been a long time since I've seen someone so stupid. (Tiffany is not a prize either).

[@DigitalDassie]

I was shocked that Ronald was even trying to pretend this is a normal amount of money to spend at Christmas. Go to Shoprite and get a plastic tree and baubles! If this episode is an indicator, he's taking Tiffany for a ride. This is sickening. This was my whole month's salary in my first job back in 2014.

[@tryingtobemd-phd3262]

It really bothered me how Ronald was using Daniel to emotionally manipulate Tiffany to staying. Makes no sense because you want her to stay because she wants to not because she feels guilty about the kids being separated.

[@pinkpugginz]

Ronald is still actively in addiction and has a mean streak. ever since they first met and he cheated on her at the bachelor party I was over him

[@Mel-S.99]

When i left my ex, my son (13yo at the time) especially sided with his dad who is very selfish and manipulative. There were people telling me that i needed to do something but all that would do was put more stress on my son. It took 2.5 years and me reassuring my son that i love him (and trying to keep our interactions as close to normal as possible) and he started coming around. Now he seems happy, gives me hugs, tells me that he loves me and is acting like he used to. I was just happy that he was secure enough in my love for him to trust that nothing he did could damage our relationship, although in the moment of his rejection it hurt a lot.

[@ChristinaChrisR]

❤️

[@KattXGonzalez]

I wish more of her issues would be discussed, in a sense that it feels like everyone is easy to point the finger at Ronald given his past but no one is talking about her conditioning him to her standards or else she will prevent him from being with his child. It is almost as she went there with the intention of finding a reason to end the relationship.

[@KattXGonzalez]

To clarify, I am not justifying his actions and issues, but there are two people in that relationship that both have issues.

[@pinkpugginz]

conditioning to what standards...he has made zero effort to finance his daughter or Daniel. she's made every effort and spent thousands of dollars for Ronald to see the kids

[@KattXGonzalez]

@@pinkpugginz she got on his case for making a room in his apartment for her son, that tells me that she would rather have her son spend the whole time they are there on the couch as they had originally planned. He didn't have to build him a room, but he did. It seems he is genuinely trying his best at being there for those kids and her (emphasis on HIS best) and no matter what he does it is received with putting down and criticism. Also, she communicates with everyone except him about those things.. the mom, the friend, the lawyer... you can't magically expect a person to know. We are limited to what TLC shows us and they may be having those conversations outside of filming but it does not seem like that is the case.

[@speaktruth7791]

Thank you!!!

[@pinkpugginz]

@@KattXGonzalez Ronald doing a grandiose gesture for Daniel does not equal him putting in the work when it comes to being a parent. that money could have been spent on diapers or on a down payment for something they needed. they were never planning on living in SA and Ronald knew that but tried bulldozing to get his way

[@JNatt]

Daniel reminds me so much of myself when I was growing up. My mom was a single parent and I was the only child for 10 years. I was definitely the emotional support for my mom and another relative, and then I became a parent to my siblings (including going to P/T conferences and signing them up for activities and just being active in their upbringing). I don't resent my mom, but I definitely was robbed of a childhood and I have a lot of baggage that I still haven't unpacked and trauma that I'm still uncovering.

[@amandasparks334]

My parents divorced/separated when I was in fourth grade (it took four years of court battles till the divorce was finalized and needless to say, it was very messy). I was constantly triangulated throughout my childhood. At the age of 25 it still effects me daily. Particularly when it comes to money, money was a constant source of conflict and I struggle to do my taxes and other basic financial things because I end up spiraling into a panic attack every time. I’m not bad with money, I’m pretty cautious but I have so much anxiety around finances because of what happened when I was young. Breaks my heart to watch this clip…

[@Campfire30]

Wshew, same, about the money.

[@gracestoute6275]

The fear of abandonment and chasing others really hits home. You're preaching today, Dr. Honda..thank for the insight.

[@nellybarrett7]

POOR KID! Aww I just wanna give him a hug forget about the parental issues tend to the child!

[@dakishimete-_-]

When you see yourself in Daniel and this whole scenario. This one hit close to home.

[@pinkpugginz]

Ronalds manipulation was so gross

[@MA1.5]

I don’t remember exactly how old I was, but some time between ages 5-8, my mom asked me to decide if my stepfather stays or goes from our home. Poor Daniel 😞 I understand him.

[@blorp.1956]

Hi Dr Honda, I found this episode particularly great when it comes to really illustrating how a kid can get stuck in conflict and having to grow up too fast. This was so insightful, thank you. I also just wanted to say a general thank you for your videos, I've been watching them since you started with 90 Day and I have really found them to be so eye opening when it comes to understanding myself, but more importantly understanding others. I work as a doctor and often have to work around the reactions of patients that are based on their own traumas and I can unequivocally say your series has made me far more understanding and empathetic.

[@Coffee_Is_Magic]

R10 000 on Christmas decorations??? 😱 That's insane. I feel so sorry for Daniel, that was so upsetting to see, can you imagine living through that? Shame man

[@DigitalDassie]

That's disgusting to me. I know I'm late to the party, but that's an insane amount of money. Christmas in SA is such a brilliantly different experience from the northern hemisphere, enjoy it for what it is!

[@mercheg.8397]

What is really disturbing for me is that I didn’t notice the deepness of the problem of this interaction until you said it, meaning, it happens so often that many of us are numb to distinguish how damaging this is for a kid. You said yikes to a situation you see super often. Thank you for making us more sensible.

[@koobie83]

I’ve retained the pain of being parentified by my mother. My mother has told me that if it wasn’t for me, she’d be lost. My mum made me responsible for not only her happiness, but my sisters and made me go make sure she was okay at school everyday when she was little. Mum used to also put my sister and I in her bed every night knowing my father would come home drunk every single night. Why? To create a shield between her and Dad hoping he wouldn’t attack her with the kids in the way. Did it work? Never. We were exposed to every single drunk argument, yelling, screaming and fighting and not once did Mum put us first in either locking him out of the room, putting us in our own beds or leaving the relationship. I’ve always felt - even to this day - that dads happiness and her own - is way more important than ours. She hates making sacrifices for anyone. Even her own kids. And she wonders why I’ve got so many problems now. Lol. I’m a people pleaser. I never put myself first. I’m bitter. I’m angry. I have deep , deep resentment to her more than anyone else. Deep down I really hate her, but on the surface act as though I don’t.

[@babymandy9571]

Wow! I just had a lightbulb moment. I was once in Daniel’s shoes. I am now a super agreeable person to a fault. I also experience major stress when my loved ones are upset with one another even if I am not involved. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.

[@gc7214]

Dr. Honda: “I’m looking for Tiffany and Ronald to talk with each other and work out what they’re gonna do instead of using Daniel as a pawn in their conflict.” Ronald and Tiffany: hold our beers.

[@harrismatthew5553]

Now she filed for divorce and they both are trashing each other on social media and not together anymore … i feel sooooo badly for this poor kid

[@pinkpugginz]

me too.

[@joywebster2678]

Wish Tiffany picked her battles better. The whining about diapers and wanting a break immediately is annoying. A direct conversation would be a relief.

[@calliew311]

When hasn't she tried that? She has told him a million times what she needed. He just doesn't listen and in my opinion, she's correct, what's the point of being in S Africa if he's not helping? She could be a single mother at home with the help of her mom.

[@joywebster2678]

@@calliew311 way too late to respond to u, a month later.

[@calliew311]

So what? I just watched it. Did your opinion change? Is that why you can't respond? Doesn't make sense.

[@joywebster2678]

@@calliew311 no ms entitled keep watching the comment fights explode. My opinion is unchanged but so is yours so why bother.

[@calliew311]

@@joywebster2678 ok. Ms. Likes to call names. Have a good week.

[@lindsay9838]

Thank you for taking the time to post this. Of all the people on this season, Daniel is the one I find myself thinking about/concerned for the most. This episode really broke my heart. Like you said, yes, it’s just a tree, but it’s definitely symbolic of what their dynamic has become as a whole and now that they’ve announced their decision to divorce, I would give anything to protect that child from what’s to come. I’m just terrified of the pressure Ronald will put on Daniel to side with him or the things he’ll say to demonize Tiffany for “breaking up the family”. Daniel has already been through too much and forced to grow up way too fast. And although Ronald has no legal claim to Daniel, I’m sure we can assume there will be some major stress in the future when it comes to Carley and it will be so hard on Daniel to watch the tug-of-war with his little sister. Frustrating and heartbreaking all around. Sorry for rambling! Your video just got me so emotional about this again. Gah. I wish they had such a compassionate and intuitive therapist like you nearby to help Daniel work through all this! ♥️

[@JulesA5266]

Ugh I feel so bad for Daniel. Totally agree with Dr K about this because from experience, I did grow up into a people-pleaser who always feels guilty about every single decision I make that's not pleasing to someone else. I have trouble even making decisions for myself because I don't know if it's the "right" choice. >_> I wish Tiffany and Ronald would stop being so immature themselves. It's so damaging on the kids.

[@KBiernacka]

This is awful to watch, I agree. I had some of this kind of experience in childhood and adolescence and it's still with me. Having to side with one parent or the other or between one family member and another is a horrible position to be in. And it stays with you for years and years.

[@gianedamas]

I have been triangulated since 11 years old between my half-brother and my mother. I remember that at that age I had problems to socialize in the school because of all the bullying I was suffering. So, I would prefer to stay at home and take care of my brother instead of going out with friends for several years. It was fun and nice, but I did not realize how resentful I was with my mother since that time, and I didn't know why. 20 years later I started to have meltdowns constantly, and hate all the time people asked me for emotional support. I actually realized how people would come to me looking for that. How it is hard for me to establish boundaries, say no, to understand what I want. And how I am being a people pleaser my whole life. I am working with that now in therapy, but I have to thank you deeply to raise discussion about something that I could not imagine that was related to several emotional problems.

[@stormy7097]

Watching the Ronald/Tiffany scenes is beyond sad. Daniel has been involved in way too much for a child. I was always very careful to tell my child age appropriate information. It is unfair for any child to be put in situations that Daniel has been in. I realize that Ronald has issues but so does Tiffany. Ronald is a new parent. He has never been involved in parenting yet she has expectations. And all Ronald sees is that his 'family' lives miles away. I would find that heartbreaking. It is a no win situation in my book.

[@carr0760]

Well, I think you just helped me identify how I developed a preoccupied attachment style. Thank you for that explanation. Something to get into with my therapist.

[@ms8martini]

I appreciate Dr. Honda’s very insightful comments. I wish there was a way to provide this video to both Ronald and Tiffany so that they could initiate an in-depth conversation, and be more introspective and purposeful toward building and repairing their trust. Also I wonder whether Tiffany has taken the time to SHOW Ronald how to budget, or suggest that the utilize one of the commonly used budget templates found on modern computers…..instead of constantly demonstrating contempt as she complains about him. The manipulation which exist between the two of them as they vie for power in the relationship is shocking and disappointing. 😞

[@foxrox6]

woooooww, this is really eerie for me. seeing Daniel live out basically what i've lived out as you explain it. Damn dude, ouch.

[@paigewoodard3072]

Ronald said in a previous episode that he's always been obsessed with having more money and that's partly why he began gambling, it wouldn't surprise me if he equates money with positive/negative emotions and he's projecting that onto this relationship by convincing himself that spending money on the tree will make Daniel happy, almost like trying to buy his love

[@FlyingOnCrimsonWings]

This episode really got to me. The way Dr. Honda explains what the triangulation does to the son... There is so much that I can relate to looking at my own childhood...

[@klaudianapieraa4924]

I related so much to dr Honda’s description of parentified person. I’m 25 and still refuse to keep in touch with my parents. As a child I’ve let them both know that their behaviour made me lose respect for both of them.

[@am7127]

this is so insightful. ive been parentified and all my life ive been trying to mediate between my parents. i was 8 when i first beg them to divorce, 19 years later and they still fight a lot, i try to fix it with things i learned from this channel, it does help at times, other times i quit and just slide to depression and suicidality

[@colombi1anjay]

I was there was some ethics expert working for the network that would at least stop filming the children’s distress

[@haleymist09]

Definitely. I love watching 90day for guilty pleasure but hate witnesses childrens distress. There has to be a point when the cameras stop for the kid's sake.

[@jcam5064]

That is definitely needed. Especially on that show teen mom, one of the mothers and her boyfriend are especially horrible to their child and even left her with her drug addicted grab parents many many times. It is absolutely sickening to watch a child be screamed at and verbally and emotionally abused by their parents. And then they don’t even mention it at their reunions.

[@colombi1anjay]

@@jcam5064 this really hurts my soul, I swear. Like the doctor mentioned, it’s one thing to watch adults ruin their lives, but the poor children have no agency in their upbringing

[@mariemuller5101]

Does anyone else have the memory of being the mediator between the divorcing parents¿ I vividly remember how I had to make a rule chart/list for my behaviors how they shouldn’t behave when I was like 10/11 lol and that it was hung on the kitchen board lol

[@Leah-uy8om]

Wow that’s awful, I’m so sorry that you had to do that. I remember literally stepping in between my parents when they were fighting and being like, “ok dad, what’s your side of the story here? No yelling, just say it calmly” “ok mom, how do you feel about that? Don’t interrupt her, Dad.” and then mediating their conversation so they would talk civilly to each other. I was probably 11 or 12 at the time :/

[@koobie83]

Yep - except my parents didn’t divorce. They argued daily though. Dad would have been drunk. I remember having to go between both to calm them both down and make sure they were removed from each other. As a teenager/young adult I could clearly see how much mum would bait the arguments and I gave up and moved out of their house as early as I possibly could.

[@yesway3074]

It is just so wrong to present Ronald as the daddy and call him dad, etc. and then she talks about moving to SA then reinforces Ronald as daddy in one scene but talks about divorcing Ronald. I feel so bad for Daniel. He is so hungry for a daddy figure and is presented with Ronald who is less mature than Daniel. What happens to Daniel when Ronald inevitably disappears?

[@abigailnash5129]

I wasn’t triangulated between my parents but between my dad and my brother, trying to protect my brother from my dads anger, which was terrifying to me. I still deal with people pleasing problems and a fear of people’s reactions to this day, but working on it! Thank you for your insights and help.

[@ChristinaChrisR]

Exactly the same was my situation growing up. What you wrote made me feel a kind of connection with you, a stranger I don’t know. ❤️ Hugs

[@abigailnash5129]

@@ChristinaChrisR your sweet comment made my entire day! Hugs to you as well and I hope you are finding healing as I am 💜

[@ChristinaChrisR]

@@abigailnash5129 oh….now you made my day right back! I’m smiling. ❤️💕

[@ChristinaChrisR]

@@abigailnash5129 and thank you.

[@charliechaplin7962]

This is the worst couple on 90 Day Fiance. Tiffany shouldn't have had either of those kids. Brings the first one into the world accidentally, parentifies him, and then has another kid with a gambling addict on the other side of the globe.

[@nicoletaylor4049]

Watching this segment triggered me. I identify with Daniel. I was the one my mother would go to when she was angry with my Dad (she still does and I’m 32), sharing way too much information. When they would fight, my Dad would not talk to her - would not acknowledge her presence even in front of me and my sister. The tension would be so thick that I made jokes and conversation with my Dad to distract him so my mom could leave the room. I was so stressed…and hyper-aware of their needs (and my sister’s because I didn’t want her to live with their crap). It took YEARS of therapy to identify my people pleasing, learn about boundaries, and express (and be okay) with what I feel and need. I still feel that pull to just say yes or manage others emotions but I don’t engage (80% of the time). Thank you Dr Kirk for all of your videos and insights!

[@brittanyszymaski3543]

This is a relatively small thing but I also dislike Ronald’s t-shirt that says “the wife” and then “the mistress” under the picture of a motorcycle. I find humor that makes a woman into the ‘old ball and chain’ or on level with (or even beneath) an inanimate object gross. I get that it’s supposed to be funny, it just rubs me the wrong way

[@thedudeabides5695]

I'm not offended, but it seems like a shirt that a teenager would wear.

[@luvbutchfeetpix.1086]

Good for Ronald setting up boundaries. His Mother doesn't need to be involved. If you run to your friend and tell them all the bad things you're feeling about your spouse, you will work it out and you leave them with the resentment towards your spouse. Not a good look. for anyone.

[@Stephluna01]

Your explanation of this dynamic made me understand a lot of things about my childhood. One of my parents asked the other day why I deal with anxiety and I just 😂

[@ChristinaChrisR]

Right? That question😂 I know that one. And hugs.

[@daisyo.6666]

I was in a similar situation as a kid, my parents would fight and I would be in the middle trying to fix things. That is still a role I continue to have even though I am an adult already and out of the house. I just cannot seem to be able to break that pattern. I display all the signs that you said, being extremely aware of people's body language/mood to make sure I know if something is going to go wrong and I can do something to prevent it. But also made a bit of a control freak and I feel like there is less room for spontaneity in my life. I find social situations exhausting.

[@DaisyKmua]

Ronald's views are almost childish, like he doesn't know how to adult.

[@hopebullard460]

He probably doesn't. He needs to go to therapy and learn how to budget.

[@duhastkeinhertz]

Yes it does seem childish. I wonder about his gambling addiction, the rush of wagering money and this may be a "rush" to him as well. Using a credit card makes it easier cuz he doesn't see the money until he gets the bill in a month. Or if he's using Tiffany's money, well its easy to spend other peoples money.

[@BigTummyAche]

These two made me realize I need to take a break from 90DF (Ill def still watch your reviews). My mom and my grandmother pulled me back and forth between the two of them when I was younger. It was definitely gift/money based because my mom was poorer than my grandmother. The way Ronald acts triggers me so much. I feel super protective of Daniel because (not to brag lol) I was very smart as a kid like Daniel. So I watch this like “Welp… at least Daniel can replay 90DF in therapy in 10 years. Thats going to be helpful”

[@thisliljellybean7]

Poor asparagus tree. Nobody thought about his feelings.

[@lillyrose3545]

I was triangulated and parentified by my mom. I also would get verbally abused if I didn’t agree with my mom. I remember that as far back as second grade.

[@TheSReaction]

Tiffany’s first and biggest mistake was even incorporating Ronald into her child’s life so soon!!! As a mother, a single mother at that, that’s not something we should be doing when dating. We need to feel this person out, find out if they’re a good fit, and then introduce them to our child if all is well. Then to have Daniel calling that man his dad???? That skeeved me out! Ronald doesn’t appear to be a solid partner. He’s not realistic about a lot of things, and doesn’t know how to compromise in a relationship at all. His communication is severely lacking. Tiffany should have handled this much better. I hope they can find a way to make it work, but it’s looking grim. I couldn’t see myself putting my son in a situation like this at all. My primary job is to protect my son and nurture him and let him be a child.

[@briiirosado5025]

Watching this has really opened my eyes to my own childhood because I swear I never wanted my parents to be upset when we went shopping, so I never looked at expensive items. Even going against things i really wanted. Just now as an adult I am finally feeling satisfied when I go shopping because I am spending my own money and get whatever I want, no matter the price. A drastic difference from what I did growing up

[@irism6423]

My parents used to do this to me too. At one point my dad asked me what I thought about my moms drinking habits at the age of about 10 (he thought she drank too much; looking back now, she never once got drunk in front of me). At another point they sat me down to discuss a possible divorce when I was even younger. Looking back it is extremely odd that they would do this; do they really think a 10 year old is going to know anything about divorce or drinking?

[@carlotagamboa3798]

Hello Dr. Kirk Honda! I’ve been watching your videos for about a year now, and will gladly confirm that constant triangulation in my parents failed relationship did indeed crush me!! My early disillusion in childhood left me both severe and people pleasing, 😪 though hyper awareness is also a positive consequence. I often worry if my parents can survive without me, and tend to be withholding in (all) my relationships about how I actually feel. However, I know these are trauma responses, and try not to take these thoughts too seriously.. Hope this helps!!! Lol

[@teamcougars]

Daniel is the most mature person in the 90 day fiasco franchise! That poor kid is being used as a pawn for Ronald 😡

[@wackybrattyx]

This is so sad. I was triangulated by my stepmom and my dad all the time growing up. And still are. As an adult, I’ve grown to resent both of them.

[@cheri177]

What is the matter with these two parents? The children should be taken away from them....I spent most of my life in therapy as a result of damage done to me in my childhood...

[@thebowandbullet]

I agree, this is so awful to watch. Just to add another layer to the situation: culturally, people tend to put so much pressure over xmas and xmas traditions, which tends to make people extra stressed at this time of the year which can lead to poor choices. I know people whose parents made their holidays hell when they were growing up and now it's just a depressing time of the year for them. It's really sad.

[@Real-housewives-Wakanda]

My ex husband used to use my oldest daughter to communicate all the time, she's now 23 and has bipolar disorder.

[@juleslu8403]

why didn't you protect her from that?

[@Real-housewives-Wakanda]

We were divorced and he would do it when he had the kids. The courts didn't listen, I tried to ask that he goes to court mandated parental counselling but they denied it

[@meaganmsimcoe56]

This was really informative for me to understand my own experience with triangulation. I didn't realize how much I was used as a mediator between my parents until recently. It was positive in some ways because it motivated me into a career in psychology. However, I really wish that my parents could have talked through their issues without dragging me into it all the time! Thank you for the video! It's both entertaining and informative!

[@Carla47156]

Daniel didn’t have a father before Ronald. His birth dad didn’t want to be involved and he now is deceased.

[@cbz5283]

Tiffany had an ultimatum. Either he was 100 % in or completely out. Which is very very unfair. Just because you got pregnant at 17 does not mean you have to get married and raise the baby. Just because he does not want to marry the woman pregnant with his child does not mean should be cut out completely.

[@sazsmith1543]

This was so distressing to watch. I hate seeing adults being so petty using a child to get what they want.

[@eldablo9247]

I was in Daniels position as a kid and it has literally misshapen my brain and messed up how it chemically processes things because I was flooded with so many stress hormones whilst developing - this is grueling to watch, situations like this in my experience make you grow up feeling like you're not a person, youre just a piece and function to fix other people. The poor poor poor kid, it makes me so angry and sad that people have kids before working on themselves

[@Brmck624]

God I feel for Daniel so much. My parents triangulated my siblings and I when they divorced and it definitely messed us up- some of us worse than others i think depending on our ages when it happened. I hope Daniel can get therapy and start to heal sooner rather than later.

[@GroovyFeminist]

I feel like even if they talked about spending beforehand Ronald would still be complaining to Daniel about how Mommy is ruining their fun.

[@Moonbudlove]

I don't know when this was filmed but given what is currently happening in south africa (basically an incoming famine followed by civil war) they should really leave SA would be the best way out for Ronald.

[@edytawoz7685]

Maybe it wasn’t that much about not affording ticket to the US, but about making Tiffani come to South Africa. Ronald definitely wants them to move there. Maybe it was a way for him to make Daniel like South Africa more. I really don’t like how he’s using Daniel. It’s really painful to watch

[@lookupdownAni]

This was hard to watch. Poor Daniel. This relationship will not last and the end will not be pretty.

[@yesway3074]

With building out Daniels room, groceries and the Christmas shopping spree, Ronald has spent the equivalent of a airline ticket to the US.

[@tiffanyweaver8945]

Dr. Kirk could Daniel also want to bond with Ronald because from what I understand he didn't have a relationship with his biological father.

[@pinkpugginz]

Ronald is so abusive.

[@lupine.spirit]

oh man. If I was working there and saw that, I don’t know if I could keep to myself. So much pressure on that young boy over a TREE when actually this isn’t really about the tree at all. How should a child handle that?

[@adkjani1]

Ronald seems so immature, totally not ready to be a husband and help manage a household. He's too impulsive

[@damolaa1599]

I think that because Tiffany keeps hanging her flight tickets over Ronalds head and pressuring him to do things the more he'll spend money to do anything to make her happy and make her stay.

[@Caroline72963]

I’m worried that as soon as Carley can talk and be manipulated in the same way by Ronald, he will not need Daniel anymore and start ignoring him... I don’t have trust in Ronald and some of his motives and hidden pains

[@joannkujaski5896]

Omg......this really helped me understand the scapegoating I feel from my adult child. I feel I supported them everyday after the divorce from their father who was emotionally abusive .My child complained about the father's behavior toward them and myself. Now the father is the one in his and my grandchildren's life. I am scapegoated. So heartbroken. Btw my son have a MSW and therapist degree . He and his family lived in my home as a support so the financial pressure was less. I have no regrets in helping my child....so hurt though. Thank you for the explanation.

[@briiirosado5025]

Oh my gosh I didn’t even think about how Ronald would rather go crazy shopping than buy a plane ticket to the US

[@KatieKattific]

While I agree with everything in this video, I also think that Ronald can absolutely do no right with Tiffany. I've felt that way since their first season. The way he interacts with Daniel like this is obviously inappropriate, but its also obvious that he's been parentified by Tiffany since a young age. I feel like every step that he takes is wrong with Tiffany, and have often questioned why they are even trying to be together at this point. He BUILT Daniel a room. Built one. But everything about it was wrong with Tiffany. There wasn't even a little praise for the effort that he went through to make sure Daniel had his own space, even if he may have spent too much money on it.

[@cloo6984]

Exactly! And not to mention Tiffany lied to Ronald from the beginning. She knew she had no intention of staying there! The kids are her pawns and are being exploited just for TLC money. Very sad.

[@cbz5283]

@@cloo6984 she wants to be a make Instagram influencer

[@cloo6984]

@@cbz5283 yes. She's had gastric surgery and is now peddling some protien shake as if we didn't know about the surgery. All the while making her lives while the kids are locked outside the room and Daniel is watching the baby! Her first attempt at stardom "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" (liar) didn't pan out.. So she did the 90 Days thing and will try to cash in with being an influencer. Sad.. I feel for her children. Adults tend to forget that children do grow up and are able to put things together to know what's what.

[@cbz5283]

@@cloo6984 in a couple of years she will drag Daniel on Dr Phil or something for "celebrity" family therapy or something to gain recognition again.