A Tool for the Betrayed Partner Who Feels Powerless after an Affair

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“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
- Amanda, Florida
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

[@lindac4527]

My husband moved out of our home and was having an affair with an employee. He eventually filed for divorce. He began telling me he was confused. He would vacillate back and forth. He would promise to dismiss the divorce but never follow through. After 4 months I decided I was no longer willing to wait or endure the pain. I gave him an ultimatum…. Dismiss the divorce, come home immediately and end all contact with the affair partner. I was done and he knew it. The result was that he moved home, dismissed the divorce within the week and ended contact with the other person. He started counseling that week. That was 6 years ago. Our marriage has been restored and we love each other more than we ever have. The key is not to bluff but to be willing to follow each though.

[@samshealingpodcast]

could. not. agree. more. thank you for sharing that.

[@lisadee0276]

Wonderful to see this!! I am at this point now.

[@georgevue8175]

When I caught my wife cheating with a coworker I simply moved out. 10 minutes after her Simp coworker learned her & the kids were all his he dumped her & ran. 4 years later I moved back in for the sake of the kids. Been 17 years & I still have zero trust for my wife & plan to divorce her this summer after our son graduates college.

[@siz4sean]

It's admirable to take care of the kids; my take is that they're better of with co-parenting rather than live with parents who despise eachother. I'm divorced from a cheater, and I'd feel like a chump if I stayed.

[@carrieolinger4162]

Just did this with my husband last night. We are separated and he desperately wants to come home, but he is still overcome with resentment, clinging to ambivalence, and is flat out unsafe for me. So I told him there will be no discussion of him coming home until he gets his s*** together and is ready to do serious work and move forward. Wish me luck…

[@jonathandavid3632]

Goodluck Carrie! In your same shoes.

[@rodriguezperalta3212]

Wife did same on us, we separated and it was still difficult for me to see an honest change in myself. She gave up and started dating someone else right away. I now feel remorseful for not being able to change before all this happened. Now I have changed and am healing but at the cost of loosing her in someone else's arms.

[@natureshorts6657]

People often will not take action until things get so unpleasant and hellish that they don't have a choice. It's unfortunate, but for a lot of people, hitting rock bottom is the only way they'll ever seek change. As long as you keep things tolerable, all you're doing is enabling and telling them its okay the way things are. Getting the timing and balance right is very difficult, but at some point you have to be firm and let people know the status quo is not going to continue.

[@eatingcleanasmr478]

What if the partner is doing the work but not catering to your needs? For me I need words of affirmation, compassion, the feeling of being wanted. What if that is not there? I’m the betrayed in this.

[@samshealingpodcast]

it may be that they are afraid to...or they are stuck in their shame. the right program or therapist can help them understand that's what you want and need and they don't have to be afraid to do that, even though they failed significantly.

[@mickiehowarth1854]

Eating Clean this is exactly what my husband and I have been going through for literally years. He says he's done the work (past tense), but it's just about him. Then he says I'm supposed to forgive him or I can't move on. He states there's no way he can know what I'm feeling, so he doesn't try. When I tell him what I need or the hurt he's made me feel, he turns this around and says I've done this to him. I feel this is the major road block to our reconciliation. We've been to a counselor who did more harm than good, I've showed him Affair Recovery videos I thought would help, but he's very reluctant to follow advice from these; or again he'll turn around what is stated and say this is what I've done to him. I have given him boundaries in the past, but I guess the consequences I set weren't important to him; he mostly forgets these boundaries. I keep hearing people say their relationship is stronger than ever... I've nearly given up on this fairy tale.

[@ebest1338]

@Eating Clean ASMR. I can relate. I've said this including where's the time now for me amidst this new constant busyness (which oftentimes is a distancing method). My personal therapist told me why don't I initiate things to spend time. Another session she told me to do stuff with my friends, spend time for me...that maybe I am needy. I don't feel that.

[@pameliaheider]

Omg, I am there, just as recent as of today.

[@MarkStaite]

Real change only happens in the paradigm of ACTION!

[@gregorypeck2763]

Hi Sam, I was at that point about 7 weeks ago and asked my wife to watch one of your videos and used that to get her to do the Boot Camp work with me, which led to us attending an EMS weekend. This started the healing process for both of us and, even though I have had a couple of set backs, we are still moving forward to what I would like to be a marriage that glorifies God. Thank you and the staff at Affair Recovery

[@samshealingpodcast]

I'm honored I could help my friend. one day at a time. slow and steady is how we persevere and overcome.

[@JusticeX17]

I've been trying to reconcile for 4 months now and I swear these videos always come up at the perfect time for me. I just set some boundaries this past week, but I'm still being walked all over.

[@-nf1ji]

The Book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes from Lisa Terkeurst is great

[@brightpage1020]

“For whatever reason, this other relationship (or these relationships) is too valuable to you to risk, even to save the marriage with me. So, I respect that. But I can’t respect myself and stay in it when it operates under these conditions. So, for my own health and the emotional and physical safety of myself and our kids, I owe it to us to set you free to keep enjoying that lifestyle without guilt or shame. So, from this point forward, as long as that behavior is more important to you than we are, we will be our 1st priority even if we’re not yours.” Then leave. Just leave. Leave a note with your lawyers’ number as well as the time / date they can come pick their stuff up off the lawn. Change the locks of you haven’t already. The cheater can now only reach you through mediation. Take the kids on a staycation somewhere safe until the kettle boils over, then steam back when things settle down. Easy to say here, as a keyboard warrior. But organizing all that takes more strength than some can bear. You don’t need your unfaithful spouse’s permission to get a separation or divorce in America. A lot of things are changing but they’re changing against families so divorce will probably be easier and cheaper to grant and sustain soon enough. Right?

[@samshealingpodcast]

love what you said. it's very difficult for some to do this due to an immense amount of pain and often times abuse. i love and agree with what you've said, but i also get (after two decades) as to why some just aren't there yet. thank you for sharing that though.

[@lisadee0276]

Thank you, Sam! This is exactly what I need to hear TODAY, Sir! My gut is telling me that he is acting out again; he’s being extremely defensive, reactive, alternating between being clingy and cold and dismissive, and frankly narcissistic: “but what about MEEE and MEEEE and MEEEEEE?? “ King Baby is in the house. 😭👶 He seems to forget everything that we have learned over the past few years since we’ve done EMS weekend and hope for healing and harboring hope, and he’s also been doing 12- step meetings, but many yellow- and even red-light behaviors have returned. He insists that he is “not doing ANYTHING wrong” when I am in tears from his hard heartedness toward me, his detached, cold demeanor and verbal abuse (minimizing, gaslighting, bullying). He may be fooling himself but he’s not fooling me. I have a right to decide for myself what behavior is acceptable to me. And this is not it. When it is happening, he tells me he’s not doing it while he’s doing it. He then becomes a victim of my false accusations. Crazy-making.

[@pameliaheider]

I have your husbands twin!

[@bittehiereinfugen7723]

I feel the same way. That's why I threw away my wedding ring this morning.

[@Jo_Em909]

Hi Sam, thank you for all these incredibly insightful videos. I have been at that point for the past, idk..5 years?! Two weeks ago I was done. I tried to get him to engage with your videos, sent them to him, tried to talk about it...blah blah. But he's hell-bent on lying to me and continues to cheat online. It's time for me to heal from this manipulative, gaslighting, abusive marriage so I'm out and done. I'm refocussing on my well-being now. It's grief anger and more grief, but I also feel a strong sense of freedom and relief which surprised me. I think that says everything about the fact I'm doing the right thing. I definitely have abandonment trauma (adopted, early neglect, emotional abuse) and now know I've put up with abuse for so long because of that. No more, it's time for change! It's extremely hard to know I'm now alone, but I'm free of the constant anxiety, gaslighting and manipulation. You have absolutely helped me in the past several months since I found your videos and I really thank you so much.

[@mattimus1979]

VETY Long story short, after years of feeling neglected and like I was 2nd place, I said "I'm not telling you what to do. You're an adult. But know that I can't stay if you remain friends with them(AP)." We both hit rock bottom that day and both started a better path towards healing. Sounds simple, but it changed our lives. I've always been horrible at conflict. But i feel like If I could do it, (even tho it took 2 years😬) I have hope anyone else struggling to get there can do it to. Stay strong and be true to yourselves out there.

[@missp3100]

After 30yrs rock solid married to my sweetie we unfortunately had a issue and still an issue plus finding out 20yrs ago he had a sm issue w my bf to whom is passed now I never knew about Betrayed only begins to describe how I am now but your msg help me all the time I would say the fear for me is not leaving but I fear I am going to loss meeting my soulmate in heaven cuz I kn he was has always wil be my only true love and we will meet in heaven my fear is he forgets that promise we made 30yrs ago THANK YOU Samuel & A.R. I am still afloat because of your understanding caring true heartfelt messages 🤗

[@missp3100]

OMG ! ! 😢 I am a betrayed that is sooo there and I have been waiting for a sign or answer Thank You for all your messages it has been my hope 💜

[@samshealingpodcast]

honored to help in some small way.

[@michaelroberts3898]

The hardest thing to get an unfaithful to understand is that going to therapy with your betrayed isn’t punishment. It’s not so the betrayed and the therapist can dog pile on them and tell them how awful they are. If the unfaithful wants to understand how family of origin, divorced parents, SA, and other emotional traumas can influence their decisions, they can get that help in therapy. I didn’t want therapy for my wife so I could see the therapist shame her and I would be happy. I wanted us to get therapy so WE could be happy.

[@samshealingpodcast]

shame is a powerful thing my friend. when their shame gets triggered, they want to run and hide and avoid. i'm sorry it's that way.

[@michaelroberts3898]

@@samshealingpodcast I’m happy to say we have survived. 32 years anniversary on the 14th of this month. D day was 20 years ago. I’m not sure how we made it. I read a really good book called after the affair by Dr Janis Spring. I wish I had affair recovery as a resource then. I mean, for one, hardly anyone wrote on infidelity for a betrayed husband. The resources overwhelmingly leaned toward a faithful wife. I’m just thankful to God for surviving it. I almost gave up more than once because she wouldn’t get help. I had to tell her eventually that she needed help or she needed help moving. Consequences and accountability are vital to the rebuilding of the relationship

[@katceeee]

Thank you for not forgetting about us. 💔

[@samshealingpodcast]

i'm sorry if it seems that way. never have i forgotten those in your situation.

[@katceeee]

l@@samshealingpodcast Oh yes I know you haven't. That's why I said thank you. 😊 Not many others talk about this part of betrayal trauma, so I appreciate that you guys do.

[@turbo1gts]

My wife left me a little more than three months ago. The only personal effect of hers left is some pink shampoo and conditioner. She left me a functional kitchen, living room, and our bed. She took for the most part only what was hers. I knew the scope of my failure as soon as I walked through the half empty house. I was impressed(in my deadened state) by the message conveyed by the selectiveness of what she took. She left in the most ethical way I have ever heard of in my life. It was the slap in the face I needed to surrender to God and allow Him to get me out of the hole of addiction I was hiding in, and start me on the path to even more surrender. Along the way, she has owned her stuff too, and we are working to get back together emotionally and spiritually. I feel more connected to her now than ever. We will have a future together and it will be better than anything before. Get drastic with your unfaithful. Probably nothing else will work.

[@rodriguezperalta3212]

I am the husband who had to change but while separated she gave up and went to live with someone else. Now I have changed and she is gone.

[@pameliaheider]

Best video yet from affair recovery!

[@pameliaheider]

Incredibly powerful and impactful message. ❤ Thank u

[@yunokasilva6036]

This video was right on time for me. Thank you Samuel.

[@sugarsnap1000]

Indifference is an option, it’s difficult but can begin your healing and help you focus on yourself. It’s scary and doesn’t happen immediately but in time as you begin to get tired and weary it’s a good option. One step at a time

[@benscott6826]

Good video Sam. Good advice.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you

[@ashleyhunte6293]

My boyfriend is currently going down a path that is counterproductive to restoring our relationship, and in my personal opinion the path appears so dark. Instead of seeking professional help, watching your videos, reading a book, he instead feeds into this Internet personality named Andrew Tate. To see him focused, dedicated, and changing his life to meet the information given by Tate brings out some really deep resentment in me because in our recovery journey there are periods of so much resistance and inconsistencies. Currently, I’m overwhelmed and in so much pain, to see us regress and the work we put in become undone. I’m feeling very powerless at the moment and I appreciate your take on helping me to see things more objectively.

[@Youshallbefilled]

Now this was good sound advice.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you

[@kellyjohnson-ju3dy]

Thank you Samuel, i needed to hear this...

[@jumiwo]

Hi, In regards setting boundaries, and letting cheating spouse know what they did wrong, how does that line up with the "Romeo and Juliet Effect" you mentioned in another video? In that video, i believe it was said rhat the more you tell them what they're doing wrong, to kore they see the affair oartner as desirable b/c it enhances the thrill of how they're "not supposed to be together." Would love to learn more, as I work through my recovery. After trying to reconcile a few weeks, my husband left for his AF and filed for divorce, so I know in my situation the boundairies have been set on his part. Wasn't sure what to do about my part, if I need boundaries as well, if that makes sense. Thanks.

[@BrooklynGRITS78]

Thanks.

[@tiffanyglaspie563]

He wants me to move out……..he believes “he’s in love with her”. I’m getting my own apartment because I can’t afford our place. It’s 6 months away from a divorce but he’s calling it a separation right now. He un-homed me and I’m just thankful my 12 yr old daughter is staying with me most the time. He isn’t fighting for more time cause he wants to just hang with friends and her. “I’ve held him back” for 15 yrs. 2 yrs I e been doing everything wrong by thinking our live was stronger than this connection.

[@anujtaya8085]

You are a brave mother. Admirable strength 🫡

[@vicbaker8367]

👍