💔abandoned & fatherless

This video describes the impact of parental abandonment:
What is it?
What does abandonment do to us as children?
What to do if we have abandonment wounds/trauma?
What to do if you are a dad/father and you want to be an even better father:)
Research/Resource articles:
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
www.bucharestearlyinterventio...
hms.harvard.edu/news-events/p...
www.davidelliottphd.com/attac...
***3 FREE ONLINE COURSE LESSON PREVIEWS****
FROM MY NEW COURSE "THE HYPER-VIGILANT TRAUMA PERSONALITY FROM EGGSHELL PARENTS": LINK: drkimsage.thinkific.com/enrol...
I am also working on creating a free weekly newsletter and will be sharing more info soon!
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[@kelseyla3120]

It took me so long to understand how I was abandoned/neglected by my parents. Finding out how not normal my “normal” was has been such a blessing. For so long I thought I was just broken.

[@RaymondHogue1111]

I've experienced both my mother and father rejecting me - not "wanting" me to be around. I think that's similia to "abandonment" and the feelings it can cause.

[@PsychedToknow-qw7cb]

I experienced the same thing; it's very damaging. Perhaps your parents had NPD. It's so useful to understand what has happened you -- it really helps you heal.

[@mindonthespirit1543]

Mine is similar to your experience. Neither of my parents were emotionally mature enough for children. My mother was often in prison and both were alcoholics and simply rarely home.

[@PsychedToknow-qw7cb]

@@mindonthespirit1543 Wow, that's rough! When you're left to your own devices -- as Dr Kim was -- it's not good. My dad had a drinking problem. He was home a lot but often ignored me and acted as if I was getting in the way. Mum went out a lot, and the two of them basically segregated me out of their lives. I've only just begun to realise the damage that that can do -- it makes you feel as if you're getting in everyone's way and being a nuisance. These video are so helpful. Hang in there!

[@mindonthespirit1543]

@@PsychedToknow-qw7cb Sounds like our parents are similar. I felt like a nuisance also. Having a child with hearing problems and needing surgery for a 10 year span was a burden on my father and he let me know it. I can understand feeling in the way. I learned to isolate as a result of their parenting but now my father thinks that is a problem 🤔🤣 Yes, the videos are so helpful, and reassuring. Thank you for the kind words. In time things get better for sure. 😊

[@PsychedToknow-qw7cb]

@@mindonthespirit1543 No problem. Make sure you get plenty of therapy -- you may have been your parents' scapegoat, which is very damaging. You deserve to be heard and to have your needs met. My very best wishes to you, Mind on the Spirit, and to you, Raymond Hogue. Please make sure you both get the help that you deserve; having abusive parents really takes its toll. 🌈🌈

[@no_more_free_nicks]

I'm starting to realise how important it is to take care of myself, but to do it I have to work against the shame.

[@SweetUniverse]

My mother always told me that my father didn't want me & that's why I never saw him. When my mother died I went through her papers & found out that she made a deal with him when I was 4 yrs old that she would erase the back child support he owed if he would give up his parental rights. That's why I never saw him. He died before I could meet him as an adult.

[@Josuperhero]

I’m sorry that happened. He missed out.

[@PurpleRobot10101]

I’m so sorry, my mom moved me away from my dad bc he was more mature & calm with me so when they divorced, she couldn’t stand letting me see him bc I might not give her all my love & see her as my whole world

[@artemisXsidecross]

Thank you for discussing this aspect of ‘Father’s Day’. I am an eighty year old with autism that was undiagnosed but surely noticed with disappointment by my father and older brother, but with a loving mother who would not abandon me. She died suddenly at age forty-nine when I was eighteen years old from a cerebral hemorrhage. I left home at that time and have not returned since after the relationship with both my father and older brother grew more estranged. I have learned to cope with what has happened and have learned to use my feelings positively by working with canines and horses and giving them what I was denied, a positive partnership. ☮

[@PurpleRobot10101]

❤

[@SunnySunshineField]

❤❤❤

[@BadNessie]

This video is longer than you wanted. But it is full of valuable information. It has the length that is perfectly right for it.

[@denisefreeman2123]

Dr. Sage, I am so darn sorry for your difficult parental relationships. I know what’s it’s like. I never even met my father, he knew of my birth but had no interest. My mother was/ is narcissistic. I also am a psychotherapist. Hmmm….wonder why🤔 I am 75 now and for a long time, thought I was healed of all this. BUT last year I finally was able to fully grieve to my core, I was thrust into a dark night of my soul when I was targeted and triangled out of the line of inheritance by my sister and mother. You say you are no one’s girl, me too. But now, I am done with it all and don’t want to process or even think about it all. I came on your site today, to tell the truth, because I am worried about you. This stuff is up and center for you with the work you are doing and you can’t get away from it. I didn’t retire until a year and a half ago and that’s what it took for me to let it all go. So just saying to you honey, from someone older and maybe or maybe not wiser, maybe you should get some distance from this issue now.

[@jaeljade3609]

I'm so sorry for your trauma. I totally understand ❤️

[@DrKimSage]

Thank you and same to you❤🙏🏻🩷

[@PurpleRobot10101]

@@DrKimSage❤

[@le_th_]

As a native Texan living in California now since 1997, I definitely recognized the slight Texas twang in your speech. I'm very sorry for the losses and traumas you've experienced, and I'm glad you can use your own experiences to help understand others. I do hope that, when the time is right for you, you can deal with the revelation of having a different birth father than you'd been led to believe most of your life. It is just awful that your half-sibling blocked you on Ancestry, but if they are that incapable of dealing with truth and reality, they are probably someone you never want to encounter in the first place (not that it's any consolation, but more about protecting yourself from those people who prefer to sweep inconvenient truths under the rug). Best wishes to you as you continue to heal yourself while helping others make sense of their life experiences ~

[@mindonthespirit1543]

I am sorry to hear that about your father. 😢 It is hard to hear as my father lived in the house yet abandoned me in a way by drinking and simply not spending much time at home. There was no bond formed. 😒

[@johnschmid865]

Dr Kim you have helped me so much I can’t thank you enough.. your kids are lucky to have you, I wish either one of my parents had the awareness and courage you do. Thanks for everything keep em coming ❤

[@lauragadille3384]

I hate Father's Day, I don't think he ever loved me

[@dieresis9]

In many jobs, I found myself working for men who spent lots of time talking about themselves and paying scant attention to me, not unlike the way my father often treated me. With my own family to raise, I often felt like I just had to take it, but the feeling that I had no power to change bad situations was a lesson that I unknowingly had learned from growing up in such an environment. Learning how to recognize that feeling of powerlessness was a turning point for me, because it allowed me to acknowledge the feeling rather than be controlled by it and start planning small changes that would eventually allow me to extricate myself, e.g., taking time to learn a new skill needed for a better job in a healthier environment.

[@SusanKG]

My family was highly dysfunctional. When my parents divorced, they argued over my custody. Neither of them wanted me! How pathetic is that? Society always focuses on the custody battles. No one mentions the kids who just aren’t wanted. My brothers stayed with my dad. He needed farmhands. I went with my mother who never let me forget that she didn’t want me. I had zero visitation with my dad. If he happened to bump into me, he would cross examine me. Did I have a boyfriend? Was I doing drugs? I was 12 years old!! He always said that girls only bring shame to a family. I guess he was waiting for me to step into that role. I didn’t. When I turned 19, he suddenly started guilting me about not going to visit him!! All those years he had been absent, yet he was making demands. I paid him a few visits, but after a particularly nasty phone call, I went no contact for 20 years. He started asking for me when he turned 80. He let me know that in our culture it’s the daughter’s job to care for her parents. I almost choked. I smiled politely and said nothing. I resumed no contact. He passed away ten years ago. I’m still processing that part of my life-the gaping hole in my soul. He was not a provider. He was not a protector. He was not a nurturer. He was grandiose, manipulative, demanding, entitled, and merciless.

[@seahorse251]

Thanks for sharing your story. You did great standing up for yourself and taking care of you. Good job. Continued blessings dear one ❤

[@PurpleRobot10101]

You did not deserve that, no child does! That should not have happened to you & you did not only the hardest thing but the best thing for yourself. Im not sure how to offer help but to say that is reprehensible & there is no excuse for mistreating/abusing/neglecting a child. Sending love & acceptance to you & all thr rest of us with father wounds ❤

[@RaymondHogue1111]

I'm so sorry for your very difficult experiences Dr. Sage

[@TalkingRecovery]

I have an abandoned inner child that requires compensation and guardians. While seeing other better families I identify what I missed out on and can reflect on how I project my hurts. Thankfully my spirit is protected ❤

[@marconius2020]

I’m not a father but can relate a lot to the first part of your video. Truthfully, my parents never should have gotten married. They were 2 very different people. My father was a passive, avoidant man who wouldn’t stand up to my mother nor did he stand up for me. He left when I was a teenager and moved away. I became his replacement for my mother who is anxious and controlling. I certainly have deep attachment wounds and all those points you mentioned like having no sense of identity fit me perfectly. I am in therapy and hope to one day feel some sense of contentment in my life. Thank you for another great video.

[@youtuber-cc8sx]

Does therapy help. Please be honest. I don’t think I have any options left.

[@marconius2020]

@@youtuber-cc8sx It has helped me. I will preface that with the fact that it has taken time to get to where I am and I have a lot more to work on and process. For a few years, I saw a therapist who used CBT/talk therapy which helped until I felt like I hit a wall. About 2 years ago, I experienced a big flashback and was diagnosed with CPTSD. My therapist suggested finding someone who is experienced in EMDR and I was fortunate to find one a couple months later. This new therapist also introduced me to IFS therapy which has been very helpful for me. If you aren’t familiar with those therapy types, there is a lot of information out there about them as well as CPTSD. As I’m sure you know, finding a method that works is not easy and often requires a lot of time trying something out for a while to see if it’s helpful. I hope you are able to find the right person and/or method that helps you. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask.

[@marconius2020]

@@youtuber-cc8sx Hi. I thought I replied yesterday but I guess not so I’ll try again. For me, therapy has helped. For several years, I saw a therapist who used talk/CBT with her clients which helped until it didn’t. About 2 years ago, I experienced a big flashback and was then diagnosed with CPTSD. My then therapist suggested finding someone who is trained in EMDR and I was fortunate to find one in a couple months who was able to take me as a client and I’m glad she did. In addition to EMDR, she introduced me to IFS which has been quite helpful for me. We have recently started DBR therapy which is very similar to EMDR but a bit more gentle. Working through all of this stuff is not easy and it can be emotionally painful and exhausting. I don’t always realize it, but I am making slow progress. I do have to remind myself that it’s going to take a lot of time to process and heal from trauma that goes back 50+ years. I hope this is helpful. In addition to watching Kim’s (and others) videos, I joined a few subs on Reddit such as the CPTSD and IFS subs.

[@PsychedToknow-qw7cb]

@@youtuber-cc8sx Yes, it can -- therapy can help you to understand yourself, and what happened to you, better. Learning about attachment theory and what attachment style you have -- and how to work on improving it -- is very beneficial. Try to educate yourself about what happened to you and what personality type that has caused you to develop -- it really helps; otherwise, you're just fumbling around in the dark. Please get therapy, everyone -- you all really deserve it!

[@Ukraine4TheWin]

You are one remarkable individual, look at what you have accomplished despite what you've gone through. I had a similar childhood and haven't achieved a fraction of what you have. Be proud of who you've become and what you have achieved. I didn't have children, but if I had, I would hope they would have turned out just like you. Thank you for all you do.

[@cheryldailing1294]

And my mother instilled both shame and guilt in me that I still struggle with to this day

[@eatnplaytoday]

I always hid in my room when I was a child; I felt such a burden and wanted to hide from everyone. Family was a source of anxiety for me. I always thought something was wrong with me but now as an adult I realized, it’s not me… I was just a child so how could it be my fault??

[@PurpleRobot10101]

I hate Father’s Day, my dad was older & sick, my mom did not prioritize my relationship with him so when he died in my 20s that left a huge hole in my heart & it’s never been filled I know my daddy loved me, I just never got to know my daddy (his bday is 6/15 so 🥺)

[@froggiski1]

Listening to you is like reading a book, a bestseller.

[@ambernouri9293]

And not having a mother growing up except sleeping and working and have issues with her today still.

[@M_L_0_99]

56!!! My goodness I would’ve never guessed that. You look at least 10 years younger! Great video as always.

[@freeandfabulous4310]

I'm so so sorry you had such a terrorizing experience with almost being kidnapped. Thank you for acknowledging the severe damage that children experience when they are ripped from their homes and the family that they relied upon for safety and security. This breaks my heart.

[@ambernouri9293]

My dad disowned me for yrs before he died. And dealing with this stuff now almost 40 trying to heal my past.

[@traceypritchett4287]

Ditto here but my father is still alive 15 minutes away from my house. I tell myself it won’t bother me when he passes. I’m afraid that won’t be the case He’s 78 I’m 52.

[@annnakarenina]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, it’s really helpful although it must be difficult for you to talk about some of it publicly

[@kat9587]

“You are snoring the pot of emotional abuse everyday” - wow that hit hard

[@ginnyjanisse1220]

Thank you for sharing your experience and insight. I know many of us will use this knowledge to understand ourselves and others better. ❤️

[@MariaSantana-ul5wd]

SO true. Enabling a narcissist adds insult to injury. So many generational cycles to break especially when you have been scapegoated. Very harmful but possible to break through with God's help and brain re-training.

[@stickynorth]

I can relate entirely to this topic. Even though he is not dead, he's certainly dead to me... I'm not a fan of holiday's where we are expected to celebrate people who don't necessarily deserve celebrated and if you feel otherwise you are ostracized. Aka the people in my life who guilt me into feeling bad for not wanting to spend a single second with the person with S.A.'d me, stole money from me and whose only contact is basically to scream insults at me or project their own fears and anxieties at me via passive-aggressive shaming and back-handed comments? HARD PASS!

[@ryannesumbry4130]

I experienced this as a fatherless child I yearn for a relationship with my dad but he is emotionally unavailable thank you for the video

[@lauragadille3384]

So was mine

[@ryannesumbry4130]

@@lauragadille3384❤

[@LOVE_ALL_AROUND]

I so relate to you. Feels like you are a kindred sister. Thank YOU ❤

[@its_ANGL]

Why did father faded into the background and didn’t protect us from our abusive narcissistic mother. EXACTLY. My partare very much alive but I don’t have parents. One is mentally gone the other is physically gone

[@c1111]

Very relatable. Thank you

[@PsychedToknow-qw7cb]

Thank you so much for your videos, Dr Kim. I have learnt a lot from you; you cover acres of ground -- and you are so prolific! It sounds as though you have been through such a lot, yet you have achieved so much. And now you are sharing your knowledge on KZbin and helping hundreds of thousands of us. I had two high-end NPD parents. That was something that I did not know until a few years ago, and I now realise what's going on and how truly damaged I am. Your video on self-gaslighting was spot on. So many of your videos have helped me; it's been great learning about attachment theory and the differences between NPD and BPD, amongst so many other things. Your videos are so informative -- I wish I had known all of this years ago. I know it's not good to blame, but I feel so let down by the system. My father wasn't all bad, but he would often ignore me and criticise me. Amongst other things. NPD explains a lot. I am very sorry for all that you have been through. You are so gentle, sensitive and motherly; I always love watching your videos; they are always so comforting and soothing. Much love 💗💗

[@Peace-tk3gr]

So many bull's-eye points in this presentation. Thanks so much. 👍

[@jmora1914]

My sister was a major alcoholic and druggie. She chose animals for her boyfriends and husbands. I took in her children as babies and I raised 4 children in both the fatherly and maternal roles. She was abused as a child was severely toxic and had really bad BPD. Of all my siblings ive the most and have done and achieved the most. I raised my children as I call them. On my own. I taught them everything they knew and how to be as functional as possible. As I'm the strongest of my whole family. My little ones are some good some bad. But they were safe with me and I raised them well. They're all workers but one bcz he's severely mentally ill does drugs and abandons his own children. My sister took in his children and I'm too tired to take in more children. Plus I'm too old to start over. I'm not a druggie or drunkard or smoker, nada! But my mom is a BPD woman and a narc, my dad was extremely abusive and yet I turned out Webcz I chose to be a great man. I realized I mattered that when my parents abandoned me at 14 till I turned 19 and came home from exile and chose to heal and not be poisoned by my parents abandoning me. I need self-compassion and to heal from the abuse ive dealt with all my life, It is something I'm dealing with in therapy as my parents abandoned me for my brother who was also mentally ill but my dad realized that I deserved another chance, and checked me come home and 3 years later I moved out and have a beautiful home and everything I need. I work hard and I earn my way. In a self-made man. My dad is a self-made man. Although he was abusive he did teach me a lot, in glad I had a dad. Bcz he taught me well and he failed a lot. Yet. I'm a great man because of his and my grandpa's teachings. I'm proud of The fact that I had a strong dad. Bcz I'm a great dad to my little ones also.

[@luvqraft6024]

Having been abandoned by 2 fathers in early childhood, I can vouch for the negative impact on the children. It lives within us….

[@christinetaylor5162]

This is great information, thank you❤️

[@catlifechannel3886]

Thank you for being such a compassionate - and learned - person. It’s so helpful having you share actual research, as well as your own life experience. Sorry you have copped a trifecta of ‘daddy issues’. It is awesome that this hasn’t led you to dislike men. Good luck with your book deal. Don’t use IG, so unable to help there.

[@thewholeyou]

I appreciate your work. Thx u Dr. Kim

[@jessicadubois9945]

I’m so incredibly sorry. 😔 I just lost my father. It’s hard.

[@DrKimSage]

I’m so sorry 💔🙏🏻🩷sending love today

[@Heights-1975]

God Bless So Sorry for your Loss 🙏 mine just turned 79 in May but not doing well , I hope your blessed with great memories now and in the future ! ❤

[@DrKimSage]

I’m so sorry 💔🙏🏻🩷sending love today

[@Heights-1975]

@@DrKimSage Subbed to you a few months ago lover your Channel , feeling Emotional today on Fathers Day first time commenting . 58 yrs old single Father of 18 yrs with a Now 20yr Old Daughter who was abandonded by her Mother due to Substance Abuse ,Daughter has notsee her Mother since she was 8 yrs old, But she is doing well in College earnig her MBA In a5yr Accelerated Program. I REALLY NEED TO WATCH MORE OF YOUR CHANNEL JUST TURNED ON ALERTS 🙏

[@brendasmith7345]

My birth father sexually assaulted my birth mother who is mentally handicapped. I was adopted as an infant and my adopted Dad passed away of a stroke which I witnessed at age 12. I married a malignant narcissist and myself and children are not able to have contact at all so my children left without a father too. It all breaks my heart over and over and over.

[@seahorse251]

Dr. Kim thank you for sharing about your biological father. I found out later in life I have a biological father. He had a daughter and a son. I have reached out to the daughter but no response. I really just want to see a picture of him and find out what kind of health issues he had. He is already deceased. God bless and good luck to us both. God's will be done.

[@cheryldailing1294]

I'm 57 and in therapy. But this seems pretty dire. My mother was a raging borderline narcissist with probably some bipolar mixed in. She was psychotic most of the time and my father literally just ignored her. I believe she was jealous of me and prevented him from having a relationship with me even though he lived in the same house. I like to say I was brought up by walls because nobody taught me anything and I had no role models. I was physically verbally abused and emotionally totally neglected. It's so ironic to me that this video came out just as I'm realizing that I have daddy issues... For some reason I was concentrating so much on my mother that this didn't even come into my mind.

[@Josuperhero]

Hi Dr. Sage. Thanks for making this video and sharing about your background. Things like parental abandonment, autism, CPTSD, etc resonate with me so I’m glad you talk about them. I hope this is ok to say here- my father committed suicide on Father’s Day when I was 21. He couldn’t stay out of prison. I never knew my mom. Sometimes, it seems like there are a lot of gaps to fill living in a world without having had parents. Thank god for KZbin, haha.

[@MsLaurjean]

Bless you 🙏🏽🙏🏽💜💜

[@cathychase663]

Gosh I am so sorry Dr. Kim. *(side note your room is gorgeous and beautiful). My kids haven't talked to their dad in 12 years and he is a classic narcissist and has no clue. My dad- will I am going to call him,, but he's a covert narc. My mom died a few years ago and she was an empath. I also sometimes feel like sometimes my kids rescued me and I have clearly changed due to therapy and you and the great KZbins (have Cpstd)..I don't want to damage my boys. My emotional reactions I am sure have. Thank you so much ! You are beautiful in every way and inspire me so much!

[@cathychase663]

that said - I am glad my boys had straight As both college grads and are doing well- they haven't dealt with their trauma and I am trying to let them do it on their time. I had full custody too. My ex only tried to destroy. But I see the issues and trauma bonds.

[@no_more_free_nicks]

Nice video, thank you.

[@pulidobl]

My father passed away when I was 5. He was very sick😕

[@PurpleRobot10101]

❤

[@ykaromarques6383]

Kim, I'm borderline. I'm 21, have always been "angry", impulsive, emotional, empathetic but in a impaired way. Recently, specifically, my PD is really getting in the way of my relationship. I already feel hopeless (though my partner wants to work on it), really borderline thinking, right? I'm tired of hurting 'em because of my moods. Do BPD people actually "change"? I mean, what can we do when it comes to these mood 😢 Love your channel. You're great! Thanks for your work

[@Jendromeda]

my granddaughter's father kept popping in and out of her life, caused unstable situations and she became very agitated at age 3 and would demand and cry that certain friends stay right by her, not leave school unless she walked with them, demand them to be with her, etc. This continued in different ways right through all of her grades, very fragile to rejection and always trying to fit in...rejection and acceptance were huge problems. As a teen she continued and would become very depressed if a friend at school would decide not to remain friends anymore, or not let her into a certain group. Her parents divorced at age 4. I think that the divorce made things worse for her. But my daughter could not sustain the marriage as it was.

[@knit1purl1]

We bombed with a bio dad and step father. The stepfather was a provider but was abused by my mother and stood by while us kids were abused. My one brother is continuing the cycle of abuse and is likely a PD himself. I hate the destruction that borderline got to leave behind when she died.

[@luvqraft6024]

I have an adopted niece who was in an orphanage until age 4. She’s now an adult and a diagnosed psychopath.

[@jenacodex]

"I'm 12 but ok" I felt right down to my toes lol

[@andi.grke00]

Perfect timing

[@cathychase663]

Agree with that on divorce (I had no choice- in a DV situation)

[@karenbeckett6454]

Hello thankyou I had a strained upbringing and lack...... KB UK X

[@PurpleRobot10101]

12:49 yep @DrKimSage exactly & the ur stepmom who is not interested in having his kids from another marriage & like don’t know anything about my step mom but she got all my dads time in his last years. Never cared about him seeing me or whydoes your daughter cry every time she’s here?? Prob bc I wanna see my dad more, I don’t even know him. It’s left me feeling sad but really more mad now that I have a little one

[@carrieseidman9817]

My father died when I was 2

[@PurpleRobot10101]

❤

[@susanwingblade1799]

Dr. Sage, I love your channel and have learned so much from you. I find the pop ups of the real life glimpses into an unknown life distracting and triggering. I liked it so much better when you didn't have these. I'm tuned into the dysfunction in my own life and don't really want to see it in someone else's. Sorry, just how I feel.

[@finalthoughts2762]

❤

[@christinakara278]

totally my speech- function in our own diffuse fantasies, on your own of course -or-you re out autoimmune diseases✅ picked the same personalities, partners looked totally different studied psychology, as a single mom of course all the blame, the guilt is on me- whos not present, cant be blamed i guess i can identify with everything you say, thank you 🍀

[@seahorse251]

I am no one's girl too.

[@flyygurl18]

🤲🏾💜🍀

[@RaymondHogue1111]

Happy Father's Day ! :)

[@catqua]

Fathers give an objective view while mothers give a subjective view. Abandoned fathers leaves children in subjective way of thinking only and a sense of entitlement develops. Trauma bonding can lead a child without objective responses to blame everything outside of itself. Unfortunatly some mothers blame everything on the abandoned father like my mother did with me. My mother playing the victim at my Fathers expense and creates this unwaranted hatred and lack of trust towards all men.

[@Narrow-Pather]

No child is "Fatherless" ...Many become children abandoned by their father's.

[@jann9507]

Dr Sage ; Is it possible that your mom drove your father to death ? As you mentioned, he kept running from your step father too. And to top it all, she told you that there was yet another guy who was your real father. Your mom seems to be pulling a number on you. Hopefully the bell rings for you- there was Parental Alienation- not abandonment in your case.