The Real Reason It's So Hard to Recover from Childhood PTSD

[@eli_88]

I can’t put it into words, how much I appreciate what you are doing and sharing and teaching us! Your content has helped me a lot and every day I am learning more. You are a blessing! Wish you were my friend or mommy 💕😁

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Wow, I'm so glad the video was helpful! Thanks for being here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@jasonfitzpatrick414]

She is a big sister.

[@tinydancer2544]

I feel the same. She's wonderful ❤

[@ZIMMI6969]

I feel the same...and I arrived here after a series of dreams where I needed help to define my diagnosis...I'm 54 years old and never heard about cptsd 🙏❤️

[@dimkk605]

​​​@@CrappyChildhoodFairynope. She lacks empathy. She is a cold robot telling us right thins but with cold, indifferent tone. This is so cruel. Harsh. Inhumane. Nobody needs psychology knowledge nowadays. Finding the right information is so easy today. Instead what we ACTUALLY need is true empathy. Deep compassion. Nobody gets healed by reading lists of of psy-hacks, or watching therapists listing 10 self-defeating patterns online. Are you nuts? This isnt how human psyche works. Noone needs cold robots. We all need HUMANS who can understand us. If a therapist cant do this, then they are not a therapist. They are just a person with a degree and psychology knowledge. So what? This is something I can do too. BUT this is not how traumatized people ACTUALLY get their trauma healed. Nobody needs information and knowledge nowadays. All we need is suitable therapist-client connection. Once this connection us firmly established, THEN all this knowledge and lists of patterns and videos on youtube etc can ACTUALLY be implemented. Otherwise this is just nonsense. She is a cold, indifferent robot. What's the matter with y'all? Have you forgotten how its like have basic human communication? You truly believe this person talking online about trauma has a normal voice tonality? Empathy. Normal emotions? Are you sure? C'mmon people! What the heck!

[@Noemi-u2m]

Overuse of media, unfulfilling work, under-earning and neglect of self (clothes, medical appointments). And starting and maintaining unhealthy relationships, friendships and family ties. Some fantasy, procrastination and debting as well. Avoidance. Those are mine.

[@bruninhamrso]

I know the feeling

[@andziagreen4922]

You are not alone in this. It's my whole life too 🌹🤗

[@Channel89988]

Good luck I keep struggling.

[@Channel89988]

It's just really not fair why do we have to go through this while others get to enjoy their life.

[@Inklenation]

Yeah.. it sucks.. and being a parent adds another level of denial… so hard to heal when you’re having to set an example..

[@Leftatalbuquerque]

My father recently died. For the first time, there is no one looking at me in disgust, or yelling at me or threatening me. It is a whole new world, Regina.

[@mariebrown5681]

That's how I felt after my abusive mother died.

[@mariebrown5681]

That's how I felt after my abusive mother died.

[@Verenike4ever]

You can start to live a whole life, take deep healing breaths and look up❤️

[@Love.America]

The exact same feeling for me when my father passed. No one understands (but who experienced it) what it feels like to be looked at in disgust by your own father. It damages one in ways you feel like you can not heal.

[@Verenike4ever]

@@Love.America IF my Mother ever dies, this is what I look forward to. The physical feeling that sweeps your body when a malignant narcissist gives you that dark eyed stare…😱

[@perandersson8001]

I think one thing that people with CPTSD (me included) are experiencing, is a feeling of being inferior and stupid for having these traits and for having CPTSD. We are so deeply identified with our wounds and we also believe it's our fault that we are the way we are.

[@nancyroberts1702]

Yes yes and still doing it

[@veenam3441]

Amen.

[@joebideb]

SHAME. childhood abuse causes SHAME😢😢😢

[@allenbates3470]

It isn’t just how we’re taught to feel. It’s also cultural.

[@daniellehall9679]

I was just recently thinking about all the self destructive acts I committed since the 1980s, and the regret of undermining my own potential, and beating myself up for not understanding my own anger and self-loathing. But the truth is, all this understanding of CPTSD wasn't available when I was in my thirties and forties. It wasn't until 2016 at 53 that I began to piece together the puzzle of childhood neglect and scapegoating. I'm sixty now, and I've only begun to make some breakthroughs in healing. So to any sufferers of CPTSD: there's no way you could have known it wasn't your fault twenty-thirty years ago.

[@taleandclawrock2606]

Im similar age and situation. I appreciate the opportunity to live without some of the pain endured by my parents before me and their parents: etc. ❤ I dont want their lives to be in vain. I honour and respect the life i have been given: at least:im learning to. ❤

[@caroleminke6116]

I tried to get help through therapy & no one mentioned CPTSD in the 70’s right through to the internet age, but KZbin has been wonderful. I have access to free experts like Dr. Les Carter & his Team Healthy which is live on Wednesday @ noon in EST

[@marciahenthorn9050]

I so regret all the damage I did to myself as a result of CPTSD. I just did not understand how my parents treatment of me was the cause. They despised each other and took it out on me.

[@aml8760]

Honestly, I've been living in haze for about 10 years as a millennial and it honestly just didn't dawn on me just how severe cptsd has impacted me. I've been avoiding dealing ith because it was soooo traumatizing/painful enduring it the first time. I cut off contact with toxic parents. I've been in somewhere in life but I can't keep avoiding it. Its not that I didn't want to get better. Its that it's scary to face the facts of what happened and what it takes to get better. I didnt know what it was or anything related to it. I was surviving. Currently in the middle of a breakdown and seeing what I'm dealing with. No ever ever gave a shit so by default I never really have. Especially when you're beatin down as a child. Yet here I am trying to find some stability and resolve to face my life and recovery.

[@marciahenthorn9050]

@@daniellehall9679 My god you described my life perfectly; thanks so much for the insight and ability to put it into words.

[@genxbeyotch]

I am my own worst enemy, every single day

[@CorePathway]

You are not alone in this; and the grief is hard to metabolize.

[@tsholofelojmodise6728]

Me vs Me has been the theme

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We understand as few others can! I’m glad you’re here. Nika@TeamFairy

[@hsinhsinYT]

I get what you mean. But when I do something good for my well being, I thank myself for being my best friend.

[@psyclotronxx3083]

I've been fired from every job I've ever had

[@kimwilliamson7880]

We don’t always retraumatize ourselves because there are so many people who want to hurt someone who’s already been hurt. Never confide past traumas because these will be used as a roadmap for future abuse.

[@ALTheFreeMan]

Now that I’m almost 3 years sober, I’ve noticed that I can’t stop ruminating. In my younger days when I was drinking and partying, I never thought about my past, I didn’t even know what trauma was. I’m pretty sure I was self-medicating and didn’t realize it. But, now that I’m sober and more educated on C-PTSD, it’s like my mind is constantly analyzing the past and trying to put all the broken pieces together, but it’s just a vicious cycle, I keep going down the same roads and coming up with the same conclusions.

[@Cherrybee61]

Same here. Now I know why I never wanted to be at home and why I started drinking at a young age. Newly sober and trying to heal.❤️

[@NeonDungeon]

I know right. Addiction has been replaced with intellectualizing everything and or avoiding everything, I get it. But knowing it does nothing when my brain is literally structured around trauma and self-coping. I depended more on drugs than anyone, even myself for a long time and now the only thing is seems I have for myself is knowing the trauma and intellectualizing it (too much) and avoiding literally everything ever that doesn't validate the only existence I'm aware of being well and true. Which once upon a time was sacrificing any relationships for drugs, and now kind of avoiding everyone for the same reason.

[@ALTheFreeMan]

@@NeonDungeon They’ve got magic pills for everything else these days, why isn’t there a pill that makes trauma go away, lol?!?!

[@MassageMagick1111]

The thing that helped with my ruminating…I picked three events where my heart was so full, the time I met my my dog (he was a huge 100 puppy, knocked me down and sat on me, licking my face til his then owner got him off). Another time when my 3 year old grandson got out of surgery and scanned the room whimpering til he saw me and then reached out his arms and cried Nana. The third thing being when I met the dog I rescued. He was in a cage for 4 months, yet instead of running around, laid down next to me and put his head in my lap and looked up at me with pleading eyes. I took those three events and every time I started ruminating I would play those three things over and over in my mind and after a few days I really started feeling better. After a few weeks I was hardly ruminating at all.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Yup, our childhoods sucked. Indifference has been a blessing, the only way for me to survive this earthly experience. Peace to you my friend!! Sober 4 years, no rose colored glasses for us, and that's OK!!

[@GTaichou]

ID and Pick 1 or 2 at a time to work on: 1. @6:06 Black and white thinking 2. @7:22 Neglect of your body 3. @7:52 Addictive use of food 4. @8:42 Addictive use of media and entertainment 5. @9:15 Dishonesty 6. @9:42 Work problems 6.5. @10:01 Underearning 7. @11:17 Procrastination 8. @12:29 Clutter 9. @13:50 Blame 10. @14:46 Numbing with substances [HIGH PRIORITY] 11. @15:09 Irritability 12. @15:33 Attraction to troubled people (partners AND friends) 13. @16:04 Unfulfilling romantic relationships (or avoidance of romantic relationships) 14. @16:44 Abuse of your sexuality 15. @17:19 Fantasy 16. @18:12 Avoidance 17. @18:51 Debting (monetary) 18. @20:07 Repeating traumatic patterns **List may feel overwhelming but remember it's NOT YOUR FAULT and you don't have to change everything at once.

[@Qveen2020]

Thank you ❤

[@HoboJenkins]

Thank you!

[@fatherburning358]

So good. Very helpful 🙏

[@periwinkle3448]

Thank you!

[@millicentlu2572]

Thank you!!!

[@Jonchalant555]

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to get in front of so many people and share your life , thank you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@mattausludwig]

@@Jonchalant555 the truth is I watch you show every night I appreciate them I also apologize for the twisted thing I said that’s exactly what I was dealing with a very sickly person that’s seems to of made me sick that being said I can actually feel energy in my brain constantly connecting together I can really feel that how it came about I got onest and check out of reality a long time ago I feel like I’m in reality for the first time called be truthful and I’ll make it it’s hard to face rt not that eve thing has Been a lie some how and now I see all my ugly of why would tourer my self all time why would a person do that and much more really I have to go to IOP now thanks for second chance

[@allenbates3470]

Yeah, it’s good work. I wonder how any of this stuff helps her, mapping it out and putting thoughts to paper.

[@caroleminke6116]

Magical thinking has caused me to hurt myself by believing in unscrupulous people like narcissists who can pretend to be the knight to my literal Cinderella & end up repeating traumatic patterns

[@claramoura872]

I only started healing when I left my parent’s house and went low contact! I still have a lot to work on but feel better and more like myself every day!

[@natasaprot1811]

Me too! ❤ Advice for everyone is to get out of dysfunctional family!!!

[@aldelgado9343]

I think this Is the only way to deal with childhood trauma

[@Lifepashion]

I am in ACA ( Adult children of alcoholics and Dysfunctional families) and yes, It was definitely important to go no contact for several years but I have recovered enough now that I can be around them. The work is ongoing, hard, and requires tons of courage. I am proud of myself and the rewards are immense

[@petermuller6923]

I've gone no contact with the whole extended family - everyone. They didn't accept me after i've gone no contact to my highly abusive parents and i was uninvited at christmas at my aunt's, even though i had no problem being in one room with my parents at christmas. No one questioned the decision of my aunt. No one had asked me about my point of view. The whole year, at 5 of my visits, no one talked about my parents. They didn't tell me at all, that i was uninvited, until i asked them three weeks before christmas. That broke my heart - again. I had to get back in contact to my parents again to get everything back to "normal". Then everyone behaved s as before and no one talked a single word about it. That was my last christmas with this family. I was so sick of these hollow people, behaving like really bad actors all the time. 2 months later, everyone got a long letter by me - the only truth teller of the family, so that everyone could understand the reasons, why i had to leave them forever if i wanted to continue my life (the family members without a feeling heart in their chest for sure could not understand a single word).

[@reidanast3629]

Mee too.

[@tommydinob]

The trauma changes the neurobiology and structures. I literally can’t out think it.

[@joyful_tanya]

Me too. I'm not "broken"; I WAS broken.

[@sarathephoenix7051]

Try nuerotherapy

[@patriciacrowe-mb3dw]

I hear ya. A year into trauma therapy in order to forge new nueral pathways and starting to think for the first time. It's such a hard journey.

[@Verenike4ever]

I’m right here with you, in this. It’s such painful, difficult work.

[@ChickFenwick]

This is so true. If only we could think our way out of it

[@Des-Laine]

My abusive father just died. I have some of my best memories with him, yet some of my worst. It's really strange to mourn someone you loved,but also have anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness, towards.💔🙏

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're all sending you our love :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@tominnc315]

Im 71. Exactly my story. Physical trauma in the 1960s. More psychological in later yrs. He died jan 1 2024 at 97. I now am burning. Feet legs and arms. Im fit. Lift weights no meds. In therapy. Have cptsd Ocd too: exercise for 50 yrs to excess

[@missmymumma3620]

I forgive everything wish I could have both my parents back and me try help heal them from all their traumas they never spoke about 💔💙💖

[@cavedancesinc.6775]

Same here with my dad, passed away in 2022 after we had just made amends after not speaking seven years. He passed away shortly after I returned home after my wife, and I separated. She has personality disorder and narcissism. Caught her cheating after she bled my finances dry. I'd work 16 hr shifts while she took other people out on dates with my earnings. I loved both of them despite our issues. We had many good times together, and many awful times. The simmering anger, lack of empathy, etc. I really feel for you and pray we both recover and get to a place we can mourn them without the depression creeping in.

[@johnhammon703]

Same

[@StrongRock101]

Wounds of trauma that happened when you were a kid: Self-defeatijg behaviors: Lashing out at people Black & White thinking Neglect of body - don't exercise Addictive use of food - sugar and carb food coma Dishonesty - exaggerating, lying Work problems - work that is not meaningful to you Procrastination - freeze - move your body Clutter is a retraumatizer Blame - bitterness; rhink all problems due to one thing e.g. sexism Irritability The attraction to troubled partners and friends Fantasy - successful future fantasy without doing the hard work, delusional thinking Avoidance - Habit of repeating traumatic patterns

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You're not alone and you can heal. Hope you will find Anna's content helpful. Nika@TeamFairy

[@E4439Qv5]

"Clutter is a retraumatizer" _^hard_ nope for me. This is neurosis.

[@RobRowan-l2p]

I've been letting my trauma lead my life.. Up until Monday at 6 o clock in the morning. I can't be that negative person anymore. I'm 60 years old. Life's better than what I it was... Positive changes and thinking are so uplifting.

[@NigelGale1188]

This is a great video. After being fired from a few jobs for some of these self-defeating behaviours, I had a dark night of the soul (it took a few months) to finally understand where I was going wrong. It takes work. Always, and daily. This video is a great reminder. I know one thing is true: absolutely nothing feels better than growing.

[@cremebrulee4759]

Thank you. That is so motivating. I certainly don't feel good now. I want to find out how growth feels. Your post really helped me. ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@fatherburning358]

Totally. It's the in between stuck times. Like right now for myself. Drives me a bit batty, so much anxiety and then wuuusaaa. Just chill. Amazing amazing chill. Then the cycle starts again when another barrier presents itself 🤦

[@inspired2rv661]

It’s commendable that you were willing to look at it and take responsibility for it! So happy for you! ❤

[@taratheintuitivehealer]

Breathwork and meditation is life changing for me , it regulates the vagus nerve and now I love myself unconditionally , unapologetically

[@jdrei5080]

That's how I changed my internal situation. Meditation is a must for me and I believe it has helped. 😊

[@jennasponsel3580]

I put myself down the words come out subconsciously so i feel this. Ive had strangers say "dont say that! We all make mistakes and your too hard on yourself!"

[@stephm5877]

I noticed that as soon as I felt rested and healthier, I would suddenly crave things that would affect me negatively, like caffeine and it would feel like a treat, but would then throw me off for a while. I thought I was treating myself, but was sabotaging myself and trying to seek comfort because feeling good was so foreign to me. Now I still try to think more about "treats" and "rewards." Kind of sad reality to want to escape from feeling healthy.

[@corinneyaworski-mh9uc]

I heard that one. Seems like I'm always seeking one distraction after another. It's like there's nothing good in my mind.

[@cocoabeane7735]

I understand that. I think it is because feeling good about myself is highly uncomfortable. Like going to a party where I feel I don't belong. So sabotage works well to put myself back into a negative, but familiar, frame of mind.

[@A_G_85]

@@cocoabeane7735feeling like im going to a party Im not comfortable at - bingo! How I feel quite a lot about my life.. although it is getting better with these videos, therapy and talking to others ❤

[@CobraDove1111]

Same!

[@DoloresSeurat]

In my (almost) 50 years, I have never thought of myself as having survived childhood trauma. I experience almost everything on this list, especially the clutter. The most telling part is that my clutter surrounds me, quite literally putting obstacles in place for people to get to me. I have an extremely small circle, so it doesn’t even make sense to block them away like that. But I’m still trying to protect myself, because I know the day will come when they’ll realize I’m very unlovable.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

If you think you are unlovable it's most likely trauma driven belief. Glad you are here and we're all rooting for you! Nika@TeamFairy

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Please realize that you are VERY lovable, and I am too. God told us that!

[@cocoabeane7735]

You are absolutely loveable!! Don't allow yourself to believe the lies foisted on you by anyone. They are toxic, but their lies are all about THEM, not about YOU. You are loveable!

[@naturalist369]

You are loveable, so now I am streaming you Love & Light ! 💕🌟🙏🏼😇🕊️💫

[@RoshilaNair]

The love is there. The trauma is blocking you from seeing it. Just be gentle and kind with yourself and find a good psychologist and/or mentor/friend who can reflect back to you who you are when you forget. But I understand too that it's like alcoholism. You fall off the wagon and have to immediately recommit. One day, you will see how your journey and experience have made you one of the most lovable peoole you know. I fall of the wagon but now I know what to do and who to go to for support. The whole universe loves you. This earth, sky, oceans, air, nature, people that was the bounty you were born into. Now claim it--enter it and revel in it. Stick your toes in! Many many people are standing right there behind and beside you, even if only in spirit busy rooting for you. Go well.

[@asteriavlogs8312]

“You won’t have every single one.” I guess I’m just extraordinary then :’) Each point hit harder than the last 😭

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You're in the right place! We're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@tsholofelojmodise6728]

my jaw. I am this

[@LeontheKiller11]

damn, im almost all of them but not debt or spending too much money

[@mrs.rogers7582]

I was traumatized by a family member before I could speak. I grew up rewired. You can't undo it. It's your being.

[@bloombloom271]

It's NOT your being! Metaphor and reality: I have Cerebral Palsy AND the crappy Childhood. I get the Being Rewired -literally in every muscle and neurological pathway. It defines how I navigate everything every day. But that's NOT who I am. My Being is from God and yours is, too. It's something that no one can mar or take away. And it is the reason for healing , the reason to want healing. Yep, I'm stuck with CP and the crappy childhood, but in my Being, I'm not that before God.

[@saracroft21]

I also experienced trauma before speaking. It's something to discover how this effects my life, since there is no BEFORE. But I do experience getting better with therapy and Daily Practice. I don't abuse weed, alcohol and nicotine any more. I decluttered a lot. I have more stable relationships. I don't fantasize about a professional future any more but went back to study.

[@SteraFaux]

​@@bloombloom271not to be that guy, and I don't think it was your intention, but please be careful mentioning your beliefs when addressing people here. Religion was used as a weapon against a lot of us. You can have an engaging and hopeful conversation without putting that pressure back onto someone. Again I don't think you were trying to be any type of way, but the mention of god is not always something that brings comfort to people in our position.

[@Okeezy-v7g]

And when you realise that an event rewired you, you can take steps to undo that wiring. You'll beat this.

[@inspired2rv661]

It’s our birthright to be free, joyful and happy. Letting go of the identification with the negative thoughts and behaviors is liberating but takes willingness and dedication. We can do IT! 🙏🏻💕✨

[@markbrown4955]

Thank you, good video. I was adopted as a baby and raised by an adoptive mother who suffered from depression (bizarrely her doctor recommended adoption as an answer to her depressive issues, it wasn't) don't get me wrong my adoptive parents are very good people, however my mother has spent a lifetime running herself down and not being ok in herself. I suffered a major depressive incident a few years ago (i thought i was fine until then) and i am only just recovering and realising that many of my issues are related to my early years. So many of these self defeating behaviours are regrettably true for me. Every day is a fight to move forward I have lost everything and am starting again in my mid fifties. On the plus side I am addressing my issues and making slow but steady progress. I wish I knew what was wrong with me for all these years, looking back over failed marriages, and a pattern for attracting problematic partners, while not ever knowing how I actually felt about pretty much anything for most of my life is painful to come to terms with. I know I have a long way to go. But a better understanding of what i can do and change things gives me real hope.

[@lulumoon6942]

Once I realized I was using others to abuse myself, & retraumatizing through behaviors, it was hard but freeing! 👍🙏🕊️

[@MakeAmericafreeagain]

Thank you very much for sharing this. It really helped me! Hugs

[@lulumoon6942]

@@MakeAmericafreeagain So glad it resonated, and it's something I have to remind myself of, but seeing the patterns are half the battle. Best to you, & Hugs! 🙏🕊️

[@Doodlefisher]

Don’t just say your going to change but change for the betterment of yourself and no one else!

[@lisamkramr]

I feel like I am doing every single one of these self-defeating behaviors. This is really hard. I am journalling daily and I try to focus on repairing one or two things a day. Some days I have a hard time even leaving the house. I am much more socially engaged than in the past too but I have a hard time engaging people. Grace is a really big part of recovery and sometimes my biggest challenge. Not about a magic fix, just about being consistent and celebrating small wins.

[@bruninhamrso]

Single for 6yrs, free from limerence for nearly 2ys of these 6, struggling to keep consistent with exercise and personal care (clothes etc), out of touch of my real responsibilities, pure procrastination, and maybe 1 or 2 other points. Download this file, guys. Don't be like me. It is not nice to experience this.

[@Privatenospying]

Thank you for this sincere gift❤. The worst part is the ones who caused these effects make fun of you for your anxiety then get jealous when I overcame it. The monster narcs continue to show up in other skins but I am finally strong enough to stand up to them. 😮

[@josiahamaze]

Hi Anna, I've been going crazy but understanding it isn't me, but the past I experienced has given me so much hope. It's been about 2 years since I found your channel, and I appreciate you this whole time.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad the channel has been helpful! We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@psyclotronxx3083]

I've posted here before, but my dad was not only physically abusive, but emotionally as well. He gas lit the shit out of me my whole life. That made me confused and gullible my whole life. I got bullied in the workplace and in relationships. He was not a nice man

[@MissyStarren-hk4ls]

Thankful for this! really struggling with this at 50 and the change of life is very scary struggles.😊❤

[@desbrow3339]

55yrs and just found the Crappy Fairy a little over a year ago. Things have gotten better, thankfully! HRT has helped me for the past 15yrs. Many of my friends my age have started in the past couple years.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're all sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@1994wildchild]

God i love this woman, best childhood fairy ever ❤️ thank you for your honesty and courage, keep it up 👍

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you are here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@peaceforyou-ag]

The challenging part for me is that I wasn't anything like this in the past yet all this behavior cropped up in me, it broke my heart. 😟

[@CameTo]

I had about half, and the other half came bit by bit. I improved by learning how to think critically, but ultimately this is an uncaring world that's dominated by suffering and cruelty. We're reacting normally to such a place, what was that saying about being well adjusted to a messed up world is no measure of health

[@D.M.S.]

I think most of my problems come from my attachment style. It doesn't matter if in romantic relationships or at work, I trust the wrong people, and it took me way too long to realise it. But my major trigger is loneliness. Yes, I manage to be alone. It got way better, but I want to do so much, but at some point, I always think, "Why bother? You don't need one more thing to do alone." And that is the moment the self-defeating behaviour starts. And no, friends and colleagues do not fill that void. Only a real romantic connection will. I know that because I lived it for years. I managed to fulfil my needs as single in any other way, but not that one. For that I need a special person. I would survive without, but I would never be truly happy because this is a part of my personality. I want someone. Not to complete me, but to complement me. I do not wish to be alone. I want to share my existence with someone. This is not a weakness. This is my wish!

[@vindhyapoosham444]

Oh dear... I totally understand u... Surely u will get the person u wish for ✨

[@DanielBjorndahl]

I feel the same

[@Cerdinok]

Yes, calumny! I moved across the country, but my family still won’t leave me alone. They keep calling my employers to tell them bizarre things, especially that I am an imposter with a fake identity. It started when I was three and my dad was diagnosed with Capgras syndrome and ASPD specified as psychopathy. He said the John Birch Society sent me to spy on him, and that I was a Nazi-at age three. Over time, he has bought out the family to believe I am an imposter, a Nazi, gay, and the latest, a derangedTrump lover. DNA proof that I am part of the family causes them to blow up in anger and hatred. Sometimes, my dad and older sister claim they are investigators. Once they created a list of fifty fictitious names as witnesses, added random photos of me walking in public or standing outside at home, and wrote up a hundred pages of word-salad. They found one police officer willing to file their “report.” No one seemed to read it. But it took seventy days in solitary to be cleared. No apology from anyone. Cleared, “exonerated,” and the “report” was destroyed, but the damage to me was permanent and a beginning for a new, bizarre campaign. The calumny from my family to others includes everything you listed, but there is never a way to address it. For example, when I was seven, my dad took my sister (his “girlfriend,” I walked in on that) and me from my mother in the middle of the night. (She had sole custody.) At his new house in Bel Air, he had his new wife, a school teacher, force me to strip. She took all my clothes away and locked me alone in an empty bedroom. Then he had his new stepdaughter bring me half a tuna sandwich once a day, and stare at my body, and apologize. (They also laughed that I was “getting tuna,” ha ha, as if a seven year would know what that meant.) Then my dad called my school with bizarre, nasty comments about me. The first time, they told him to stop, but he kept having someone call until the time when my teacher, who knew the situation, was in the hospital and could not defend me. People say I am patient, calm, and saintly. Employers who have been contacted by family say something like, “We really like you personally, but we are ending your employment.” No prior warning. If I say nothing, they assume they are right in what they did. If I politely try to negotiate, they refuse to look at any documentation, then lose their temper or break into fake laughter.

[@deb9784]

Baby, I'm so sorry! Perhaps you need to go no contact, get a new cell phone number, and close all social media accounts. Literally make it impossible for them to find you!

[@tome3454]

Halfway through this video and I've checked every symptom. I'm afraid to continue 😢

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're here to support you! Nika@TeamFairy

[@Joe-oy1nq]

I was raised by an alcoholic mom, a father who worked most of the time, an adopted brother (I say adopted because he was tall and I am small) 10 years older than me and 2 sisters. my brother started getting me high when I was 4 years old, power hitting me with marijuana when I was asleep, introducing me to many different narcotics. I became addicted and carried this out going through school, in and out of jail until the age of 27. I was then introduced to 12 step recovery, spent 7 years clean, not really getting to the root cause, relapsed, and spent 12 years out. Put together another 8 years of abstinence practicing Eastern philosophy to gain some mental development. Then I relapsed again for 10+ years. There's more to the story.... It's difficult to apply the techniques I hear on this channel, I live in fear often and shut down then go into isolation. I always relied on self-medicating and have trust issues. I find it difficult to relate to people even ones in recovery. I don't even know why I'm sharing this

[@JulietCrowson]

Praying helps...have you tried praying 🙏

[@Roxy-wz2gz]

🫶

[@maggieb369]

You are so gifted and knowledgeable speaking on this topic. I just purchased your book. I am looking forward to reading it.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Hope you enjoy it!

[@maggieb369]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I’m sure I will!

[@cathyleeziemba3508]

Thank you for this. I see some of these self defeating behaviors in myself but didn't connect them to the trauma of my childhood as well as continuing the trauma in a long term unhealthy marriage.

[@Thaology]

Randomly this video pops up on my KZbin home and I click on it for some background noise while I eat because I was taking a break from desperately trying to declutter my home for the last 6 hours... and wow am I blown away at how accurate this was for me. Besides blame I have intensely struggled and almost destroyed with everything else on your list. I have suspected that I have C-PTSD but finding someone to help me with it where I live is difficult. I have watched videos on this topic before but never have I felt this connected to the information until today. I felt like you just accurately summarised my whole life in this short video. I am super excited to dive into your content to learn more about re-regulation. OMG there's still hope.. Thank you so much! ❤

[@Thaology]

I am so thankful to have found your channel. ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Wow, I'm so glad you found the channel! It sounds like you're in the right place and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@jcm736]

Self-defeating behavior is the biggest issue in the people I treat. It is compounded by those individuals being unaware of this patternn of behavior sabotaging their lives. Self-defeating behavior is at the heart of a significant percentage of the health issues sinking our medical care system.

[@Occupied_South]

Thanks, Anna. I remember two or three years ago when I first started listening to you I finally felt that I found a friend who understood. It's still a really hard journey but I really appreciate you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Wow, thank you for being a part of our community all these years, we're so happy to have you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@HappyCat1111]

I had a double mastectomy, partly to prevent a cancer recurrence, but I opted to go flat as a way to ensure men won’t be attracted to me since I can’t trust myself to make good decisions when it comes to relationships. Too many men have hurt me in the past, so I’ve safeguarded myself against being hurt in relationships going forward. At 50, I’m too old for this crap.

[@Bunny11344]

That’s very sad, focus more on you self worth and respect. Trust yourself to make good decisions and not any man has the right to have access to you

[@tsholofelojmodise6728]

OMG... am on this path. I am 33, No kids, Never lived with a man

[@theripper1705]

I am considering exact same thing for exact same reason. How long has it been for you? Has it had unexpected downsides? Would you do it again?

[@tsholofelojmodise6728]

@@theripper1705 Im interested in the answer too

[@jasonfitzpatrick414]

Sorry to hear that. Fix your chest and good luck fixing your emotions.

[@melindamcdaniel2479]

Under earning, unfulfilling romantic relationships, used to be fantasy/limerence (but I've worked on that one, yay!), avoidance (of needed contact,) and repeating traumatic patterns.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are in the right place. Hope you will find help here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@DeborahJoshua24]

Extremely necessary discussion that I will bet ticked off a lot of people!

[@boyfmbalcatta]

I know I have CPTSD, as an adoptee (now in my sixties) and my trauma would manifest in mostly two ways; things would go out of focus, unreal etc and the other was panic attacks. I seem to have largelyout grown the first, now very rare. The second as I got older I would rationalise the event and over time they have diminished. But yes,I do get outraged, but being a larger, strong person and was taught to consider to consequences. I keep most to myself. I was luckily, played a lot of sport, never smoked, never took illegal drugs, but still do at times over eat, but have got better with age. Even my sixties I worry about my anger (sometimes), I retired early, home body, do the housework and do my own thing. I do exercise regularly, it is my driving force. I do get struck, trying to declutter, downsize, a work in progress.

[@yayoatmeal]

Overuse of media, rage, and repeating patterns. I’m crying watching this

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're all sending you our support. -Calista@TeamFairy

[@FriendOfCrows]

Holy smokes, this was eye-opening information.

[@nonename7869]

You are pretty much describing my life... I don't believe I'm dishonest but I hide this truth about myself which is kind of dishonest. I'm slowly getting free of addictions but I'm super addicted to social media... I take some opportunities to shade certain people from my past if I'm not the initiator... I rage out in tough situations and I don't know how to help it when I try my best to be patient all the time. I worry that I can't offer anyone a good relationship because I'm broken ... I don't mind that people don't invite me to events just because I can do more harm to my existing relationships just by being there... Oh the limerence 😅... I'm on track to debting ... I suppose it's time to fix it. Thank you for the awareness... I'm going to rewatch this... Maybe I can reach a new plateau🙏

[@Talkitrhrough]

The way you explained procrastination almost brought me to tears

[@jodiburnett6211]

I hate having to admit my sketchy relationship with Ben n’ Jerry is a little bit abusive. Breaking the re-traumatized cycles, one lesson at a time. Thank you so much for your inventory checklist. This should be taught in kindergarten. Emotional Intelligence is everything. Thank you for your honesty and support on this healing journey. This video is a great scrub brush! “Stop Defeating Your Freedom “ Exactly!!! ❤Know Thyself❤

[@cruisepiano4681]

Thank you for sharing your stories, it feels like you have shown me a light switch I was not aware of after a life time of using candle light. Sometimes it feels like I am the only one who experiences life this way. Glad to know that there are still a few corners of KZbin that are here for the common good. I wish you all the strength and courage to keep helping people like me. Thank you.

[@motherofgrr9494]

Im 36 yr old woman from a domestic violent home, and been through therapy throughout my entire life and have NEVER heard of CTPTSD!! Thank you so much for this!!! I always heard what was wrong but NEVER what to do!!!! You have just changed my entire life ❤❤ please don't stop reaching us this!!! I needed this more then ever right now, facing homelessness and have 2 teens and an ex narcissistic violent 20yr relationship that didn't help at all. Thank you!! I needed to hear these things about myself so much it's just, mind blowing I found this today..the universe does listen!❤

[@deannagoldston4276]

I've managed 2 out of those but it's taken almost 7yrs. My CPTSD is combined with head injuries, (fell face first through glass door onto concrete) it's stifled the road to recovery. I've started to enjoy music again after 23 yrs I used to play it everyday then nothing until the last few months, it's taken me somewhere warm again even if it is by myself. Small steps from the list but your vids keep pointing me in the right direction, thank you.

[@heiliny.7852]

Thank you for the insight of CPTSD! I recently got diagnosed with childhood trauma and I am slowly healing. Growing up with emotionally abusive parents, I always be in a survival mode since childhood and this still goes on until now. The safest space I could be at home would be in the bathroom. Now I am considering of moving out of the family which I find it might be helpful for me to give myself a better safe space. This might take some time as I am going to do it discreetly and even if I tell them, they won't take this very lightly. After diagnosis, I am currently have a build-up resentment towards them and starting to withdraw myself from family activities and conversations. That space is not safe anymore.

[@alwayssearching1882]

It's a miracle I haven't taken myself out like my brother did. A hellish childhood has left me so defeated and full of self hatred. Was a severe cutter in 9th grade and alcohol and marijuana became my "best friends". That is despicable.

[@Hklbrries]

I meet so many criteria. Currently spending too much time “bedrotting” when not caring for my dependent elderly verbally and emotionally abusive parent. An only “child”, there truly are no options for me. I left my profession to care for him and everything I have going forward into the future is tied to him and the house. Day-by-day is all I have. That and my wonderful (also traumatized by him but something I hadn’t realized until years later because he was my ”normal) adult kids and a handful of good friends. Now it is a waiting game to see who’ll give up the ghost first, me or him. We’re both elderly now.

[@lighthousemassageSA]

OOF. This one packed a big ole punch. 🥊

[@sheri6089]

Whenever I want to do something in a state where I feel hurt or emotional or anger, due to your videos I wait to act on it-I get so reactionary that besides re regulating, I know I also need to sleep a night before doing anything. Usually I find I'm glad I didn't do anything or even if I do something it's not near as illogical.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's amazing! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@timothygenaw2199]

Thank you. Hit the nail on the head. Much of what you said reflects the difficulties I am going through. It's so hard to change self-defeating behaviors. I need external direction and firm accountability, but I am solitary in life.

[@wundertyte]

thank you so much, for what you are doing here - your wonderful! you are helping to find words and clinical terms for the unspeakable, the invisible and for what is or was impossible to catch. i began to heal 12 years ago and i am still on my way, i healed because overnight i received dreams that i could clearly remember. i wrote them down, without knowing what i really do and really see in these scenes, but i felt that i wanted to do this. so i got into contact with my lost soul, my lost identity, my destroyed and "foreign" psyche....and step by step i got into contact with the locked up nightmares of my childhood. there were several traumata..it came to heal several disorders incl. promiscuity, eating disorder, regular change of residence, several patterns of addiction, self gaslightning, self defeating, depression, isolation, suicidality. in the end i really can say: that wasn t me - but on the other hand: it was me - while separated from myself. please let me point out - that the healing process is only possible with a great chapter called SELF FORGIVENESS.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

This is VERY powerful. Thanks for allowing the rest of us to hear about how you healed.

[@peterpaulharnisch]

Well explained 😍 Thank you! I’m 66 and it took me decades to even understand what was really going on within. To this day I still struggle with certain behaviours. Regardless of my childhood I still believe that I experienced such to learn about the loving essence of who I am.

[@CAZZIEK321]

I’ve found it’s easier to sit with what I have been for 63 years, than want to make the change because I’m going to have to think about it all again. It’s getting easier to just block it out. I think I’m not good enough to have a worthy relationship. I pick anyone that I think will want me.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are enough and we're here to support you! Nika@TeamFairy

[@regina6838]

You tell the truth and most people don't like the hard truth. But that's what true friends do. Tell it as it is. ❤. Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing but the most needed to recover and heal.

[@mondaypositivitea]

I can’t thank you enough for talking about this. Your videos are helping me so much 🙏

[@us9959]

Ma'am, finding your channel and learning from you has helped me tremendously. Though at first it was like biting a bullet, but once i mustered the courage to accept my short comings, i have come to a point of peace and calm that i haven't felt in quite a while. Learning about limerence and self defeating behaviours has opened my eyes and my heart and soul is finally closing the wounds of the past. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the help. Cannot thank enough.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Wow, I'm so glad the channel has been helpful! Thank you for taking the time to comment, I'm sure Anna will appreciate this :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@us9959]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you Calista for the kind words. Much love to you, Anna and the team.💝

[@JenniferJohnson-rj7ik]

You seem to be spot on with what I'm going through. I've been in therapy for over 3 years and medicated. I still do some of these things. some things have gotten a little better. The struggke is real.

[@SoullChick]

It’s such a sad truth,that the ones who get traumatized by these people who seem te be just fine with treating others in a very damaging way,are not having problems in their lives. I see so many people gossiping,sleeping around,bullying,drinking,being dishonest,materialistic and having damaging patterns (what would be labeled as a mental disorder and trauma) and living their lives just fine. Without working on themselves,seeking help and get accepted by the majority of people in their surroundings. They will never see a psychiatrist in their lives. So: Understanding what is really going on and how this works will give you the power to heal. Unlearn what they taught you and take your power back. Don’t be like them ✨

[@WildManDanWMD]

You mention rage that can create moments where we will project it as yelling in the car or anytime when alone. But no suggestion on how to combat it. Thank you. And thank God you are helping.

[@Joe_Parmesan]

This list is incredibly overwhelming because I've had all of these behaviors show up over the years - many of them stacked on top of at least one other behavior too.

[@kellidavidson238]

Bad relationships lashing out at people chain-smoking....i so relate

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You're in the right place! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@sideswiped6874]

I have been studding Narcissism for 12 years now. I have learned a lot about CPTSD, myself and my highly two-faced parents and brother. but this video sure points a finger at me. many times I can't sleep 2 hours without having a bad dream.

[@bronwyntanner4501]

Love learning about who I am and what I am about!! No contact with all the narcs in my life - now able to recover, grow and heal without the stress of those people. Mother. Ex husband. Ex romance 2018.. Five former friends Happy to learn how to heal - want as much information as possible

[@melw1005]

This is so timely. I was just beating myself up for still thinking of things that happened as a child when I'm now in my 40s. The truth is I was still making poor choices and suffering until almost 30. So really I'm still a newbie in this life without abuse. I've done a lot of work but still feel like a novice. Listening to you and learning to continue the growth ❤

[@wmh1626]

This is going into one of my playlists so I can listen to it often. What a wonderful and priceless list of self-defeating behaviors. Thank you! I will be ordering your book as soon as I get paid today 💖💖💖🥰!

[@InternalGarden11]

Your videos are so helpful, you articulate yourself so clearly. Thank you SO much for what you do! I seriously wish you were a friend. ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are so welcome!

[@stephm5877]

I'm so grateful for you. Thank you for fighting so hard to overcome your past and for dedicating so much time and spending so much effort to help us. 💜

[@a.j.santiago303]

The only behaviors I don't have are the neglect of my body, addiction to food, and the attraction to troubled people. (Anymore.) EVERYTHING else is currently me. I'm at a point I just want to give up. I just learned this year about how childhood trauma manifests itself into everything you do or don't do, and while I fully understand how only I can do the work necessary to heal, I can't make myself do it. The more I learn the more overwhelmed I become. This complex trauma is like an addiction in that you must constantly be vigilant, avoiding triggers or learning to cope with them as best you can, lest you fall back into unwanted behaviors. Behaviors I recycle because they ironically make me feel safe, because they're familiar, and because the unknown is scary as hell. The brain block I'm experiencing is frustrating yet doesn't spur me to action. I can't even get excited for a trip I'm taking next week I really wanted. I have a good life marred by symptoms and feelings I can't control. Folks, please get help if you deal with childhood trauma. It will hinder your life well into adulthood. It's been a hard week for me, so I hope everyone here does their best today, whatever that means to you. I don't want anyone hurting like this. Be well.

[@frankiexfantastic]

I found out I had this after I got sober: I kept thinking about the reason why I drank. And why I always have been irrational. I thought I had depression and maybe I did in 2007 but got over that. Then my anxiety got worse. I was diagnosed with adhd after getting sober and then recently this.. Ptsd but complex ptsd the therapist I see is great. He deals with trauma. Thank you for this video

[@CkretSkwerl]

You left out SHAME. I have felt guilty for being alive. My mother was a narcissist and mocked me, criticized me constantly, made fun of me.

[@SandraBruce-tq1jw]

You are a GIFT TO MY LIFE. Thank you, this is so helpful. Bless you, May you be showered with with Love and Peace in your heart.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

What a kind thing to say! We appreciate it! Nika@TeamFairy

[@axhei1738]

OMG Anna Runkle you are amazing. Wish I found you years ago! Thank you so much for all you do. I am on the path to healing thanks to you!! ❤❤❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad you're here now! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@RoseBerliner-u6b]

This is life for so many of us!!!

[@susiestogsdill5075]

Every now & then you need to warn certain others about a narcissist (or worse) in their midst that you've already been made aware of. For those of us that have had that kind of abuse in our pasts.😊

[@sharonthompson672]

These reminders help keep me on the path. Thanks Anna. 🖐️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're all rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@sharonthompson672]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy 🙂🖐️🍀❤️

[@Patrickviolette-sy9on]

My sister and I were fostered by our aunt and uncle. My sister wasn't quite right and at that time, no one knew she had a brain tumor. Consequently, I witnessed her abuse by my aunt, mostly psychology and restricted food intake. Any way, one night, my sister somehow was burned only on her butt with boiling hot bath water. This happened on a weekend and my aunt and uncle were mysteriously gone. Myself and all my cousins were all there. My sister laid on her stomach in her bed with awful blisters on her butt. No medical attention for the whole weekend. Long story short, back in 1969 this happened and my sister died at age 11, I was 12. I'm 64 now and not without difficulty. No help or an support system. I can go on and on with my story. I have yet to break this life of failure after failure, but I keep trying.

[@DeborahLou72]

I've been self-isolating in my home for 14 years, and I only go out if I have to, grocery store, appointments, etc. The world is a very unsafe place, and I protect myself from it by staying home. My 22 year old son lives with me for now, so I do have contact with someone in person daily, and my best friend, whom I have known for 3 year, we talk everyday as well. I'm comfortable, I'm safe, how can this be self-defeating? Also, I'm disabled so I don't work. I'm on disability, and my son works hard to help with bills.

[@AsherahYamma]

Bless you, Anna. All the "basics" that I learned from you and work on every day, which has improved my functioning and mental state so much, are still fascinating and relevant reminders for me. I appreciate you 🙏🏼❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So happy to hear that! Thank you for sharing! We're all rooting for you :) Nika@TeamFairy

[@TheAworley1978]

Thank you for this - even if I might never be “like other people “ it helps to have a label and to know it’s not my fault - though I am responsible for my behaviors- and that I’m not alone! I used to call myself an alien - my old user name was elusive reflection- I never could see myself how others do - I now understand myself- and that ALONE is a HUGE step ! Thank you so much! Please keep helping us all learn and connect to not just others in a healthy way but ourselves! 🙏🏼♥️ ps now my screen name is Lirpa - that’s my name April backwards - because do things backwards compared to how the world does them and I don’t see things how others do but I’m still me!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing! It's already so much calm in your comment. Good luck on your healing journey! Nika@TeamFairy

[@hanzkoenig]

Thank you. Your channel and insights have been to this day very very helpful. The proverb- you are your own worst enemy comes to mind. I work at myself every day. I have to. Trauma has been my constant companion since childhood. In my forties my umptieth breakdown finally led me to four years of PTSD therapy and it changed everything in my life. I'm 58 years old now and I still catch myself daily in sabotaging my days. All the points you have listed is what I work with daily and I've come to accept these side affects and my acceptance has helped me in catching myself in these old trauma programs. The healing journey is ongoing and what has helped me is gratitude. I've been practicing daily for the last years and every time I catch myself in the old trauma mill, I thank the experience and have noticed certain behavioral patterns no longer take a hold of me, for the feeling of gratitude, acceptance and a knowing I have chosen these terrible trauma events are releasing my own victimization. Every day becomes a better day and this alone propels me forward with the knowledge that time is a healer. My thoughts create my reality. Thank you for your wonderful helpful channel!

[@marniesullivan8000]

Since being sober (18 months) my C.PTSD has been easier to recognise, acknowledge, investigate and nurture (Tara Brach meditation called rain) I’m feeling less in survival mode and I am helping my soul to heal - your work has been extremely helpful & I am very grateful for you. I’m going to check out some of your courses now I can regulate myself a little bit more as I have more capacity to learn and absorb your teachings - Thank you Anna 😊

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's wonderful, thank you for sharing! I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@anamarieph8597]

I want a happy relationship. It starts OK in the beginning. Then not.

[@jasonfitzpatrick414]

I have met a woman who made my passion go crazy. Now that passion has subsided. I love her, but she doesn't love me. What a mess. I've made talking with her a mess, too. I'm sorry I disrespected her. She is beautiful and I just want to get to know her. I've screwed up this relationship. She comes from a good family. I am so sorry this woman of quality won't be in my life. I need to fix myself, I so want a beautiful woman by my side. A loving, caring, beautiful woman. I'm sad I've screwed it up.

[@jeffreykeith6494]

I'm a dude. You have given me more useful information. I'm 60, and my life is chocked full of CPTSD. I thought I was just insane. Not that I'm not.

[@PierceTheWoodey101]

The timing of this video is absolutely impeccable

[@radkon67]

Brilliant! Congratulations on the understanding you’ve acquired through hard work and your own innate understanding. This was really helpful, thank you!🙏 🤩

[@saintofspades567]

Omg. At least half of those are mine. 😱 it makes SO much sense now!! Realising theyre trauma responses is so helpful! Makes me feel compassion for myself! 🌸 (and others!)

[@lanaivanovic5272]

Dear Fairy, your work is fantastic! No, not as fantasy or magic, but really helpful, practically, in reality. Great, great work!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your kind words! I'm sure Anna will appreciate this :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@ginnyangushall7354]

Thanks for the list. Somethings to think about!

[@occlawson]

i don’t know where you have been but you popped up at the exact moment i needed you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Welcome, we're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy