Enneagram Advice: Relationship Issues YOU Submitted!

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@AbbeyHowe 3 жыл бұрын

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@naomik.1067 3 жыл бұрын

I'm a type 8 planning a wedding with a 9. Pros: My 9 doesn't have strong opinions on anything wedding related, so I get complete control of the day. Cons: My 9 doesn't have strong opinions on anything so I'm overwhelmed with planning a wedding by myself.

@sirbradfordofhousejones 3 жыл бұрын

Seeing a trend of men not wanting to control their lady and that is admirable. BUT. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be involved. There’s a happy medium, friends! Like Abbey is saying, work on it together as a team!

@AbbeyHowe 3 жыл бұрын

being a team is so important!

@adosisjessyw96 3 жыл бұрын

I’m an 8w7 with a 9w1 partner. We have an interesting dynamic, to say the least. Our conflict resolution style is usually lead by me bringing things up in a factual way and giving him time to process. I use a lot of “I feel” statements (which is uncomfy for me, but it comes off better than an accusation). Every once in a while, he starts fake arguments with me, which I absolutely love and it cracks me up! Only stupid topics though, like why apple pie is better than peach pie (peach wins imo). We both try to cater to each other’s communication style, and make it very clear that’s what is happening. I use phrases like, “in my head, that was meant a lot nicer,” or, “I’m trying to understand your perspective, but I’m really struggling.” It’s taken a lot of work to get to where we are. A lot of introspection and evaluation of ourselves an each other. It’s work, but so worth it ❤️

@lisagarcia8967 3 жыл бұрын

So great to find another couple like us! I’m an 8 and he’s a 9. We’ve been together 13 years. I love your “in my head that was meant a lot nicer,” and I’m stealing that for myself. He’s really good about letting me be me, but it’s frustrating that he’s so passive all the time. I wish he would start some fake arguments with me sometimes 😂.

@synnveskaaheim8283 3 жыл бұрын

I did wedding planning (9 with a strong wing 1) with my husband (5w4) last year. We both did what you recommended, as in define what was most important to us in our wedding (Good food and family), as well as divide and conquer. I let my husband do the things I knew he was good at (In charge of the money, booking things, organizing the catering) and I did the little creative tings (Decorations, invitations, outfits for everyone) as well as making sure we did everything at the right time :) (I love planning and making lists, but equally happy to go with the flow) Our wedding was very chill, cheap and filled with lots of food. Just the way we like it!

@AbbeyHowe 3 жыл бұрын

I LOVE HEARING THIS!! Seems like you guys work really well together as a team. I admire that!! Thank you for sharing with us. 😊

@pursuitofadequacy 3 жыл бұрын

I'm only four minutes in and I already love the format of this video and hope you do one every week!

@AbbeyHowe 3 жыл бұрын

oh my gosh, that makes me so happy. I had fun making it. A little bit more informal 😊 I hope to post more in the future

@katieedwards4174 3 жыл бұрын

Type 9 here, when I planned my wedding I was never more stressed. Too many options. When I was given two or three options to choose for things, that helped a lot. Also not being pushed to decide. I will decide!! I just need maybe a bit more time

@donnarowe8618 3 жыл бұрын

The 9 and the 6--That's me and my husband, although I usually let my husband do the planning. His favorite criticism is "You don't pay attention to details." Well, duh. We've been married for 29 years; you'd think by now he would have figured that out. Still love my grumpy bear, though. He's generally pretty cool.

@nrcreine 3 жыл бұрын

You are just so adorable and always make me smile! Also, what your mom said about the 8s and showing vulnerability vs debating is so true. I'm a 5 and my husband is an 8. He definitely responds better when I can manage to let down my walls and tell him I'm scared or sad or whatever than when I debate with him. He's definitely the same way with our boys as well.

@AbbeyHowe 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you Nikki! And thanks for sharing your advice from your wisdom on being married to an 8.

@kelseywarren-bryant2682 3 жыл бұрын

As a 1w9 the best advice I can give to other types dealing with a 1 who is starting to get passive aggressive, is to recognize that it probably has nothing to do with you. If they are like me, that 1 is probably getting really overwhelmed with their to-do list because sometimes that’s all we can see. I would encourage that 1 to come sit with you and relax, take them somewhere fun, or offer them help them with any of their projects. On the flip side, if you get defensive thinking it’s about you, that 1 is probably going to beat themselves up and feel like the worst person ever for being passive aggressive in the first place. At least, that’s how it is for me 🤷‍♀️

@anne-elisabethf.3781 3 жыл бұрын

I am a 9w8 and my older sister is a 8w7. I am quite self-righteous too, but the difference is that I don't fight hard for people to approve my opinion and I can change my mind quite easily if logical arguments are presented to me. But my sister does fight hard, and sometimes with screams and tears and a lot of frustration, for not so much result. Anyway, I was a hardcore 9 when I was younger. I was terribly unassertive and quiet and I never ever stood up for myself. With time, my 8 wing took much more space in my life (I even wonder if I am not a 8w9 sometimes, but then I remember that I am totally unable to shout at anyone without crying out of guilt myself). So, my advice is that you should keep things simple and in your comfort zone. I know that when I am angry, I start talking about topics I do not master just so that I can shut the conversation down, but it never ends up well and I just get angrier and frustrated. So, just talking about things you know are true and/or resonate with you will prevent you from anger, because you'll still feel good in your comfort zone. That works for me. When my sister tries to push my buttons, I just tell her what I am sure of (I am a thinker more than a feeler, so my comfort zone is when I can use logic and facts I know about) and if she disagrees, I just stop talking, because I know it is useless. She doesn't like that, of course, but for me, it's the best escape I can think of. Of course, that may be a bit harder if you are a feeler, because if your comfort zone is made out of emotions you want to talk about, an 8 would easily dismiss them with facts and logic. "You want to study arts ? That's not going to pay for your food, you know ?" etc. I'd say the best way is to insist on the fact that their vision of the world does not have to be and is not your vision of the world, and then you should go on with what you had planned to think/do in the first place, if their control over you is not too strong (dependant on money, home etc.).

@pursuitofadequacy 3 жыл бұрын

8w7 - Listen to Christina re: bringing a concern to an 8. 9s can see every perspective, or so they believe - except 8s, 8s can go to hell, lol. 1) If you need me, I'll be there for you. 2) If you pick a fight, you'll get one. This is canon for 8s. I understand that when you have an 8 in your life, you might feel frustrated and defeated, and feel compelled to assert yourself, like you need a "win." We really truly don't want you to feel that way, and I personally encourage people to be assertive with me... but if you can't be assertive without being aggressive, or if your view of being assertive is making demands instead of requests, or if what you are saying eliminates options on how I can respond in any way -- refer back to the above statutes and good luck on your quest, adventurer.

@AbbeyHowe 3 жыл бұрын

thank you for sharing with us!!

@francesca.pellegrino 3 жыл бұрын

For the 8w7 father deal: I'm an average 8w7 who used to have a super unhealthy 8w7 boss (who was 'incapable of being wrong'), and I had to rely on my 9 side to not throttle him on a regular basis. I found that the best way to work with him when he was wrong was to go with it his way once, and then slowly find issues with it. "Oh no, here's a weirdly specific instance where this doesn't work, what do we do now?" and just walk him slowly through the logic until he came up with my conclusion on his own. As long as you don't care that he's claiming your ideas as his, it works amazingly well, but it is exhausting. Another thing that worked well on him was to give him 2 options. Sometimes, he'd make up a third option and say he wanted that instead, but it made the conversation direct. Also, thanks for the note about blindspot paths for a 3. My mother is an unhealthy 3, and this explains a lot of the sources of our personal tensions when I was growing up, where she tried to force me to fit this mold of what she thought she should have been in her life, and you know, I refuse to be controlled and manipulated, so that obviously went super well. I can begin to have empathy for this, but for a grown woman forcing this on her child from literally day 1, still inexcusable. It's just now understandable.

@desprinkhaan641 3 жыл бұрын

For "the type six in stress" (as a six) when you get into that kind of projection... personnally what works the best is not an answer as "no I'm not mad at you" but a "Relax, we're okay." Because it calm a lot more if people say the positive then the negative, at least for me. And if there's time "Why would I be mad at you?", because that gives me the possibility to just let the bubble explode for 2 minutes, hear another validation of the relationship, get then a hug and feel safe again. "We're okay" or "we'll be okay" is actually just a life-safer in whatever slight or even bigger conflict with friends, or even just me giving some kind of critic to them. It kind of tells me that the relationship is safe, while still being able to leave space for emotions... so someone can be mad at me, without me directly panicking about losing the person.

@alissandracoffey4692 3 жыл бұрын

I just found out, intuitively that I'm a 3. Maybe the 4 can lead the Type 3 out of his/her workspace. To say something like, "Okay, let's go out for coffee. You need a break," helps. My mom, a Type 1 has done that with me when I'm wheeling out of control and it helps in distancing away from what I'm working on and the gesture is a thoughtful one as well.

@Shiri_Yam 2 жыл бұрын

9:54 I'm also a 9w8 and I'm pretty sure my dad is a 8w7 so this is also my situation.. When I was little my dad and I would fight basically every day haha 😅 We could fight over the most insignificant things. I don't really have advice for the person who asked this because I myself don't know how I should communicate with my dad a lot of the times. If I disagree with him, I sometimes just let him rant without saying my opinion.

@juls_krsslr7908 3 жыл бұрын

This is such a good idea! I really enjoyed this video. Regarding the 6/9 couple, my mother is a 9w8 and my father is a 6w5. My mom sometimes gets irritated with my dad for anticipating problems. She sees this as "being negative" or "complaining." From my dad's perspective, my mom just does things without thinking it through and winds up making some impractical or bad decisions. From my perspective, they are both right. I definitely think my mom needs to take some time to research or consider consequences before she does things. My dad also needs to accept that sometimes things just work out and you don't have to worry about every little detail in advance. That said, I think the problem is the interpretation that my mom gives to my dad's actions. She sees all the "you didn't look into this fully?" as criticism of her or negativity, but I think it's more about my dad's fear of doing things without a plan to follow. I find it more effective to respond to my dad with something like, "Don't worry. We'll find somewhere to park... or we won't, and if that happens, we can come up with a new idea." He just doesn't believe that problems can be dealt with in the moment. I've tried to explain this to my mom, but she can't get past the idea that he's unhappy with her in some way.

@hunterkarr 3 жыл бұрын

I love your perspective here. Great comment!

@nat1XP 3 жыл бұрын

You have shown we all have clashes. You also thought of really good ideas I do some of these with my family and friends especially asking a 3 questions to help them feel better about taking a break. Awesome video 💜

@LunaFreiheit 3 жыл бұрын

1w2 here. I'm happy it made its appearence on this video :D As a one, I struggle all the time trying to be better and better, to understand more myself and how to improve. Listening to critiques too often and never receiving compliments can be very frustating x)

@AbbeyHowe 3 жыл бұрын

You got this!

@amymcgrann2968 3 жыл бұрын

I loved this, Abbey. Great job. I'd love more of these videos. It's so practical and helpful.

@AbbeyHowe 3 жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing your feedback, Amy! I really want to make more of them.

@LapisGamer0500 Жыл бұрын

Could you maybe do more type 9s dating a type 3? I would LOVE that!

@PaulinaSplechta 3 жыл бұрын

This is so great! You’ve helped me to learn so much about my hubby (type 9)!

@AbbeyHowe 3 жыл бұрын

I'm so glad!!! This is why I keep making videos. Thanks for sharing, Paulina.

@onearthbean5023 2 жыл бұрын

You are awesome Abbey! So talented in your role playing. You are my #1 resource to share about the Enneagram with people new to it, and others. An idea: is there a dating app for Enneagram types, search by type and connect with those interested in this system? Do you know of one? Will you start one if not???😉

@13thravenpurple94 3 жыл бұрын

love this video 💜💜💜 i learned a lot ... please make more 🙏🙏🙏

@AbbeyHowe 3 жыл бұрын

Thanks Emmanuel! Glad you enjoyed it. I hope to make more 😊

@christopherj5780 3 жыл бұрын

Im a 5w4 guy, still pretty cool to see this video.

@KendrixTermina 3 жыл бұрын

Lol at the 2 x 9 couple that got trapped in an endless loop of "But what do *you* wanna do?" I mean they're gonna have to work out the communications to make their marriage last, but then again, you could have waaay worse problems than a partner who wants to be *too* nice to you. That seems like a setup that is very much *worth* the effort of working out the kinks.

@maunamars968 3 жыл бұрын

That is so me type 1... I always feel like I'm not doing enough. Also, I liked the light changes. I think it was artistic

@elizabethwillingham4610 3 жыл бұрын

I don’t know just how faith based your channel is, but I would love to see a list of worship songs you think would be each enneagram’s favorite :) I’m a type 6 and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my favorite worship song is “You make me Brave” by bethel! 😂

@aprilshowers1413 2 жыл бұрын

love that idea!

@MiddleEasternInAmerica 3 жыл бұрын

oh boy, I was confused If I’m type one, three, or five till I started to know type nine. I feel I’m type nine. I think I need more searching and reading 😤

@emilybaker6193 3 жыл бұрын

I'm a 9 wing 8... I think my brother is an unhealthy 8... we were always arguing... (I guess if I were honest I was an unhealthy 9 at the time) it finally got to the point where we stopped talking completely. I think the only advice I can give on this situation is do work on yourself and become more aware. I wish I knew then what I know now.