Accepting, Reciprocating & Showing Affection - Learning to be Autistic Episode 20

[@IndigoRosario]

Omg I have never heard anyone else talk about trying to reciprocate affection without seeming like your copying but yes this is the exact thought process I have

[@lilianalin8592]

😢 omg I never feel seen so much thank you for sharing your experience

[@brianfoster4434]

"I'm happy to give but I don't know what to give. I'm happy to take, but I don't know to take." - That about sums me up as well. I enjoy all your videos. Please keep making them.

[@lilianalin8592]

People showing affection but I can’t catch it is so real because I used to be friends with everyone and I love them(as friends) so much because they’re being so nice to me, but I always failed to maintain those friendships, years later I realize they’re being so nice is because they like me(romantically)😅 and I thought they wanted to be friends. It hurts me every time this happens.

[@heedmydemands]

That sounds hard

[@gmlpc7132]

Your point about being slow to follow-up interest in a potential friend is very familiar to me. I worry both about seeming "pushy" but also that the other person might not be interested so I hesitate about making contact and sometimes don't do it all. I rely on the other person making the move but of course they might be having the same feelings and take my lack of response wrongly but understandably as lack of interest. Also they're more likely to have plenty of other friends so they don't have the same motivation to make further contact. I think a lot of potentially good relationships wither away or never get started because each person relies on the other making contact. Eventually it becomes too late and it can feel too weird to try to get in touch months or even years later.

[@brimarie4196]

Yes! Especially in sexual situations I am so awkward. I think you said it so well but the desire is there but there is zero instinct to drive my actions. So I am always trying to manufacture a pattern based on what other people do but I'm always left so anxious.

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

Omg. Exactly. This. I’m just the same. I reckon you’d make a great friend 😉✌️💕

[@tj4234]

As another note I was on holiday in London during that ridiculous heatwave and I felt like I was on death's door during the peak of it. That was rough...

[@gmlpc7132]

I am very poor at displaying positive emotions such as interest, enthusiasm and affection and consequently have always struggled to make friends. I am also not good at detecting similar feelings in others towards me (they probably don't occur very often LOL) so miss opportunities for potential relationships. When I do try to show more warmth and positivity towards someone I come across unconvincingly, either still seeming rather flat or overdoing things. Neurotypicals I feel are far better at showing warmth and positivity and in detecting it from others so they're more likely to attract friends and detect friendly feelings in others without having to ask them directly. As autists we tend to rely on far more direct signals - especially words - but friendships and romantic relationships are built on non-verbal communication such as body language and tone of voice and neurotypicals are much more able to tune in to others. Self-confidence is also an attractive quality and is something that neurotypicals with generally much better experience of relationships are much more likely to have.

[@gmlpc7132]

@@artemisXsidecross With experience we hope to deal with social contacts better, even if it is just to have a better sense of our limitations and how to work within them. Often we learn that "trying to fit in", usually by trying to be someone we're not, is not an effective recipe either for social success or personal happiness.

[@tj4234]

One thing that gets me anxious is that I might appear clingy. Seemingly I used to come across as quite clingy.

[@emilyg6193]

every single thing you said in this hit home 10/10 would recommend

[@shearerslegs]

It’s apparently hit 40 degrees down South so I think we’re all justified in complaining about the heat. I’m a deep feeler too, except I am the one who gets dumped as a friend after six months I am pretty boring to be fair. I can figure out what emotions I feel better than when I was younger but I’m not good at expressing it all and I don’t have the most forgiving family when I am expressing myself wrong. I wish this was an easy topic for me and that I was not a deep feeling person. It’s got to be so much simpler if you’re not worrying or sad over something all the time, my therapist has told me to avoid the news as it’s too distressing for me but obviously some of it is unavoidable and that includes sad stuff. I don’t get out much to make new friends. l do have a couple of friends. One is going to move to Stoke soon so I don’t know how long I will be able to maintain that friendship. Its only an hour away if you can drive but my vision is impaired and I am never getting that privilege. I just have to remember that there’s video chat available although I hate that, I worry about how I look and I get a headache trying to see the person on the phone screen. Anyway I’m just rambling. I have none of these topics figured out. I have found that since I live alone and don’t see my family as often as I used too expressing affection to them is easier because I miss seeing them every day. I love living in my own flat though. I wish I could contribute some wisdom but it’s really hard topics to talk about and with everyone being unique it’s just a huge challenge to figure out. It’s possible that we’re all on our own or if we’re lucky with out therapist when it comes to understanding our uniqueness. I hope everyone is keeping their temperature at a safe level, thank you Dana for the video and sharing. I will be thinking about this for a while.

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

@@artemisXsidecross The sixth great extinction.

[@shearerslegs]

@@artemisXsidecross thanks for reading my comments. Support from my family is inconsistent. I know we all love each other but sometimes I feel like I’m an inconvenience when my autistic traits are showing and even when they know what would make things easier for me they don’t do it. For example it was my birthday last month and I wanted to have pizza with my family which my Mam asked my sister to sort out but they know that the idea of a party is hell to me because of my social anxiety. I get there and there’s people I don’t know there, nice people but it turns out to be my sister’s partner’s sister and her kids. Yet it wasn’t moved to a date when my youngest sister could be there. Also my Mam had organised party games for the kids which means excited noisy kids. They’re not bad kids but children seem to enjoy a level of noise that hurts me. Except my poor niece who is also autistic she just goes into her bedroom. I think the reason I’m enjoying having my own flat is that I can shut the door and while it is small I don’t need to mask when I am in it. I don’t want people to think I’m not loved by my family though, I am, they just could do more to understand me. I have to admit that I am less educated than you and I need to Google your last comment.

[@shearerslegs]

I understand now, you are very right, it is sad, I am glad that I haven’t had children but worry about the future of my niece and nephew’s.

[@shearerslegs]

@@artemisXsidecross I like to read but I’m very slow as I don’t see well, I am lucky enough to have a big iPad with the kindle app and audible. My eyes get tired reading so I listen to books too. This month I am listening to a really sad book about the troubles in Northern Ireland, I follow a KZbinr who has a book club and that is this month’s book, I might not finish it this month though because I keep putting it off. I recently watched way too much of the Heard/Depp trial. I don’t know why, it’s fascinating that camera’s are allowed in court rooms so you don’t have to physically attend. Law is fascinating no matter what country and the differences between two countries law’s is itself fascinating. The areas of physics you have read about are probably beyond me, the next book I buy will be a one set in the universe of the Orville tv show, I enjoy that a lot although I am saving season 3 to binge watch. I like to mix fiction with fact based books. I suspect that you have used your time more wisely than I have but if you understand quantum physics then you’re also probably smarter. I would have liked to get a law degree and helped people with it but I can’t really afford to do that. I will probably watch more trials though just because it’s fascinating. Anyway I hope you have a great day I also hope Dana isn’t annoyed that I write so much on her comments section but she seems tolerant and very kind.

[@shearerslegs]

@@artemisXsidecross I am sorry you have difficulty reading too. I was born visually impaired so have never had the trauma of losing vision. I will try the books, especially the one read by benedict cumberbatch, I could listen to him for hours. Hopefully I will learn something from them, thank you

[@Violet77_Studio]

Thanks a lot for this video. I've enjoyed listening and I can relate to the 3-6 months relationships. I'm glad it's not only me who feels this way.

[@luciazoccante9647]

One feature of my body language is sharing my special interests with my partner

[@johnny_veritas]

I've watched this video