ACoA Trauma Syndrome by Tian Dayton

Growing up in a home where there is addiction or relationship trauma puts a child at great risk for long-term, post-traumatic stress effects that adversely compromise adult relationships. Bestselling author, psychologist, and psychodramatist Tian Dayton examines this trauma through an exploration of the way the brain and body process frightening or painful emotions and experiences in childhood, and she shows how these traumas can become catalysts for unhealthy, self-medicating behaviors including drug and alcohol abuse, food issues, and sex, gambling, and shopping addictions.Dr. Dayton's insightful analysis and thoughtful examination helps adult children of alcoholics understand how and why the pain they experienced in childhood plays out in their adult partnering and parenting and that they can learn how to restore health and happiness through their resilience.

[@jilligain3409]

My dad was a raging alcoholic. He's dead now for 4 yrs, I'm 45 yrs old & I'm still struggling w/ it everyday. Pls ppl, if you want to be a career alcoholic, or a drug addict, if you want to party your life away, etc, DON'T HAVE KIDS

[@amberwatermelon9808]

Addiction = why i am pro choice. Wayyyy too many people who should not be breeding.

[@laries9648]

Jilligain 🙏🏽

[@asha36636]

Agreed

[@rosalindmillar9278]

Have you discovered Alanon?

[@tjongejongeman8153]

Amen!

[@chairde]

My father was a raging alcoholic. Every holiday the police were at our house. My childhood was brutal. It lasted for decades and I stuttered as a child and I feared my father. Once I had a poor report card and he nailed it to the wall to shame me. Yes I was beaten as a child. When I was drafted into the army life became easier.

[@KoolT]

we get CPTSD. Chronic.

[@KoolT]

ALANON program helped me me

[@emmah9952]

I'm an ACOA about to have my first session with a therapist because I can't deal with the physical fight/flight response when my father falls off the wagon (despite now being in my 40s) or someone near me is drunk or shouting. I'd never understood what the freeze response meant but this description exactly describes the way I feel when I get overwhelmed by my children sometimes.

[@KateDaviesActress]

At the age of 40 I’m only just piecing this info together. So many things have clicked in place now as I’ve never really understood myself. I thought I’d managed to cope with my past trauma but it’s still here, possibly worse than ever

[@Bl00dBl055um]

So true! I still deal with emotional shut-down when people start yelling. In some ways I feel like it's been kinda helpful as I work in a field where there are a lot of drug addicts yelling at me (mental health) ... but of course when I go home the whole thing hits me again! Early in my career it was so hard to deal with that I seriously considered quitting. I'm building up better coping skills and resources though so it doesn't bother me quite so much anymore.

[@lisaseckold9296]

The ACoA Trauma Syndrome "is a post-traumatic stress reaction in which childhood pain is being lived out in adult relationships without our awareness...Recovery is all about accessing resilience, building resilience, and consciously looking for strengths - in us and in our environment - that we can daily make use of."

[@Janopooh]

My ex was a daughter of an alcoholic, I wish I knew this information. I perhaps could have saved the relationship...

[@Ikaros23]

Reality is that you most probably could not. They have to have a « open mind» and to make the change themself. Make your peace with that and move on

[@artmeacademywiththesaltyse9537]

Living this now. Her fathers drinking and being an emotional robot ruined so many lives. 2-3 generations. Wife wants his love and acceptance more than mine, or yours in your case. Sorry, love yourself.

[@Janopooh]

@@artmeacademywiththesaltyse9537 If I knew she was unable to communicate emotion things could have been different. Just some advice, it's difficult for them to communicate and would rather avoid conflict by putting on a smile instead.

[@artmeacademywiththesaltyse9537]

@@Janopooh yes to a point. Mine has no problem sharing negative, hurtful and punishing comments and emotions and actions. But cannot/will not show care sans conditions. I think I’m merging her narc ways in this thread too. Be well.

[@Janopooh]

@@artmeacademywiththesaltyse9537 The issue is that they never felt the feeling of love or caring....so it is hard for them to express it. When I asked my ex what she wanted, she had no answer. I think it was because she spent most of her time working about her alcoholic father rather than herself.

[@raphaellavelasquez8144]

I wish the mental health professionals I had a lifetime of treatment with could have considered/known about this. They just re-enacted it.

[@catherha1]

Don't they 👀😒 I talked to one about I think I may have PTSD he got upset. Told me not to worry about my diagnosis. Why? Just take meds I guess. I want coping skills and freedom 👌🏽

[@blubla7675]

Couldn't agree more

[@daniellago2797]

"You bring childhood traumas later in life with unproportional intensity:. This makes so much sense. Thank you very much, I now understand myself better and why I am always so angry at things that do not deserve much emotion. I am paying attention to my tiggers... Many, many, many thanks for you insight

[@jamesmaclean3222]

Controlling others or life to feel safe.controlling my sense of self to feel safe.look at the ways you control aspects of your life people.It is helping me.I tried to control others by shutting down myself!! crazy. 12 years total sobriety (hardest thing i have ever done)

[@deynarenae127]

I'm a 20 year old dealing with this trauma. And to me, control = safe.

[@mrunixman1579]

I am 41, who has been recently ill from all of this. I took myself to the community mental health team.

[@Teriyaki-vj8ny]

I was also in my 20's when I went to my first ACOA meeting....... the next 30 yrs went horribly destructive, with long intervals of therapies, groups, rehabs (became my safe place) AA, Al-Anon, ACOA is my primary focus. I've lost A lot but not being able to mother my children, I brought into this world, has been the most painful and hard to forgive. I believe the best way to honor them is for them to see me vulnerable and honest, now mental health disability SSI, and continue to learn and grow. 🕊️💗🕯️

[@bradohyea]

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember but have only come to see it after a bad break up and then getting sober. ACOA makes so much sense and fits me perfectly. I have my ups and downs and struggle with self hate everyday. Thanks for this video, it really helps me understand why it is the way I think.

[@stevefraioli4838]

Please pardon my language , Dr. Dayton: Holy Sh!t! That's me to a "t." You turned the lights on here. I'm 65, with a psychotherapy license (LCSW-R), yet I've been drowning in a dark, painful hole. I've new hope this clarified angle may now (never too late) help me see the way out. Thank you.

[@proclaimer2u]

My father hated me and reminded me regularly. His disdain for me was over the top and let me know even when I was in diapers and then throughout my life. What really topped it though was my reasoning that to care for me was to experience misery and pain that caring for me would bring. It totally warped my understanding of love. This came about from my really caring, abused and sad mother trying to get me to understand that my dad really loved me but had trouble showing it. I believed her but hated myself, and I hated to be loved by anyone my whole life and would run from it in order to bring relief to those who cared for me but would be miserable because of it. I was the lowest of all people because of this and recently understood why I was so misunderstanding of this. I am working on this and trying, but it is indeed a lonesome place to be in life. It was so bad when I was young that a beautiful girl in middle school that really was attracted to me was terrifying to me because I knew that to love me was to me miserable and sad, and she was in for grief, so out of panic I had to figure out a way to kill her before I made her sad because I cared for her so deeply. It was short lived though when one day i realized that this type of thinking was crazy. That was over 40 years ago and scares me to this day. I have a heart for children today and see them at times when they are mistreated. However one doesn't dare speak to another one's child. Yup, not even an encouraging smile. very risky. So they too have no one to turn to that would help. And it goes on and on. Life is so unfair to children. One has a life of caring and nurturing, then another that has to undergo such horror. I often wonder what would happen if people new this world before they were born, and then had a choice to enter into it not knowing who the parent was going to be. Maybe you could be born into love. Or maybe hate and fear. Or maybe starvation. Or maybe to an addict. Or a successful and caring and healthy family. HHHMMMM. Your choice pal. What would you like? Want to be part of society? You may ask.....Is there a second choice I have? Nope...Be born or cease to exist. With sweaty palms and a fast heart beat you then take the risk.........Wow a loving family. You win the lottery of the world. Enjoy...................

[@samanthalennon4447]

Thank you for being so open with your comment. I understand what your saying. And can definitely relate to what your feeling. I just want to say about how you mentioned having a choice of who we are born to. I’ve had this same thought many times. This might sound silly but there is a Childress book called little soul and the sun. I think you can read it on line. Only takes a few minutes. But it helped me. It might help you to see things a little differently. I hope it helps ❤

[@garrettwillett]

I'm amazed how easily she brought up so much about the patterns and things I experienced in my own childhood. I'm happy that I am finally attempting to confront my trauma

[@2cents996]

@5:00 As a way to escape the abuse, I would journal. And in writing what happened, I was able to purge. I started to write a book about growing up in alcoholism and how it effects the brain and adulthood. I opened one of the many journals and realized I had suppressed so many memories of abuse that it sent me into a major depression for a couple months. I have since forgotten what I read. My brain protecting itself.

[@dizzymindy6024]

Thank you for sharing your knowledge. I am just beginning to explore the damage done by my alcoholic mother, and it’s very scary for me to confront these issues, so thank you, once again, your knowledge is very helpful.

[@definty]

the dont have to be drunk to be in a rage, my dad was more ragefull when he was sober but an asshole when drunk

[@gilliani.4328]

Both my parents were addicts before and after my birth. (1 passed at 86 the other still alive) I became an addict by age 13 and went into Alateen and Al-Anon by 15. Both my siblings are still addicts. I spent my entire life in recovery and many kinds of therapy and group therapies. I definitely had PTSD but never got diagnosed until much later in my twenties. My biggest mistake was the many times I came and went back to family. I no longer see any of them and never will again. I had a child whose father was a practicing alcoholic and became a single parent soon after he was born. I thought my child needed family. And unfortunately because it was traumatizing to be around them I had to pull the both of us out of the family (1st time) when he was ten. He chose not to see his father throughout most of his childhood until he was in his late teens. As an adult now he’s angry with me because of my ending contact with my family back then. I always said he was welcome to see them once he was old enough to make that decision. But as a parent being responsible for him, I said not now. He made contact with them again in his late teens and sees his dad and stepmom and well... sadly... they bad mouth me, as do all family he’s contacted and so onward goes the merry-go-round of addiction. I had done so much recovery work, respectfully set boundaries with them starting back in the early 90’s so my conscience is clear that I’ve handled myself exceptionally well with them all. But it’s left them fuming and determined to hurt my relationship with my son. They’ve succeeded. Addiction is the gift that keeps on giving generation to generation. Glad I had one child and only one. Because no matter how hard I worked on myself, lived a clean life, a responsible life, I’m still impacted by the insanity of addictions. Now I’m older and I am still letting go. My son prefers seeing the family and not so much me. I meet my grief and stand in the truth because the truth prevails. Not much more I could and can do until he’s open to conversation which may be never. I celebrate anyone who can break the toxic bonds with anyone in addiction and especially when born into it and manages to escape and forge a good life for themselves despite the s-t the addicts continue to hurl at you. It is no small thing.

[@judyd6414]

Your story is mine exactly!! One child. They poisoned him against me after I went no contact . He's 37 now and just beginning to see the truth..we have reunited, but no one can give back the lost hateful years I endured.. I try to begin new with him as each new day comes. I let the past stay where it belongs...back there. It's not easy. I've spent half his life separated from him because of their viscious lies.. My heart goes out to you. Hopefully, your child will recognize the truth and reunite with you . Best wishes, Gillian.🙏

[@gilliani.4328]

@@judyd6414 Thanks Judy for your best wishes. I am so sorry to hear that your story is like mine. It breaks my heart that it is such a common one. I’m so happy for you that your son has come round. You’re right that we cannot get back those lost and painful years and have our sons love & relationship. Addicts leave us with no shortage of pain to heal. I wish all the very best to you going forward. Be healthy, happy and hold close, your peace.

[@jeremyknappe1128]

Thank you for this upload

[@einarabelc5]

The oversimplification of Child's lack of nuance and treating them as if they were idiots is the worst part.

[@volkischfraulein2957]

Both my parents were and still are alcoholics😔. Currently struggling to gain my autonomy and break away from my toxic family. I certainly feel trapped currently as I still live with my family... Fear of failure has kept me stuck.

[@07wrxtr1]

You just need to leave; go live with some friends family. Just go!

[@natashadismuke1150]

I get this! My mom is a horrible alcoholic and I still try to have a normal relationship with her. Every single time she ends up degrading me and blaming me. I have finally got the courage to leave my narcissist husband ( which I have tried 3 times too) and get out of a 7 year horrible relationship and my mom has the nerve to tell me it’s all my fault and that I got what I deserved and I must have liked it. She also went on to state the reason my daughters adhd is so bad is because of me and my environment I put her in. She also said I’m the reason my other two kids have autism is because of my bad attitude. I’m ready to cut her out of my like for good! Even now no support or comfort do I receive from her but again, according to her she always been super supportive. Girl I applaud you!!break the cycle!

[@KylesPicks89]

Very well done thank you !

[@PontNeuf24]

Accurate and interesting. Thank you.

[@pavanatanaya]

I am facing the past trauma... ACoA are very complex cases. There is no template

[@anushreerao8807]

this is a really good video! thanks!

[@thehighpriestess8431]

Thank you !

[@TheIntimacyGram]

Brilliant! I am sharing this with my patients; planting seeds however I can!

[@littlebird8837]

So helpful....thank you!!

[@SnowBall-hz6pu]

Although I acknowledge you have a PhD...and thats very impressive. I am sure you did quite a bit of research for this book, but disagree with at least one of your statements thus far. You state children have no knowledge that their parents are in a drunken rage...and are only taking it as the parents is yelling, screaming at them as their parent...is so far off. I was a child of 2 alcoholic parents from different household. I knew from the earliest of ages when my parents were not sober, and the distinct difference from when they were sober to when they were in drunken rages...and yes I knew it was the alcohol!

[@lenadee123]

Thank you

[@Tracey..H]

I got borderline from this. What a HORRIBLE LIFE!

[@athena1047]

thank you

[@remedyfarm]

All SO true!

[@ts3858]

I was bullied in school everyday for 8 consecutive years ..! 😓

[@mrunixman1579]

I just bought this book because it may help me as I recently been very ill which caused me to make a lot of changes.

[@Enfpmom]

God bless you🤗

[@KoolT]

Keep reminding each other

[@sumina8653]

Thank you so much. The the why of this video makes so much sense. Does the book also deal on the how non addict ACA's recover?

[@poppyichiban1595]

The Book is Awesome

[@brooksw.8928]

Thank you Tian. I want to attend any of your lectures in which non-pro counselors can attend. brooks

[@maryanncoan4134]

my cptsd is awful and ive considered that the fact i freeze or want to fight just like the kids in my special needs school..... somedays im like why try? i so get the frontal cortex thing. im glad the bad relationship is over god did he ever yell at me.. talk about playing out his life.

[@makidtrej]

... somehow i feel that as i grew up and knew what my dad did sometimes to get his booze, made me feel that i didn't wanted to have nothing to do with alcohol. As you can imagine, i wasn't very popular in college. I was seen as a prude, i suppose and never went out. I still battle against this and i'm trying to socialize more but i still prefer to do anything else rather than drinking. Guess i am a prude and i'm wrong.

[@siobhanmulvey]

maxd87 there are tons of people who don’t drink

[@jeffdodson8532]

Not a prude at all.. Don't let the deamons trick you. You must know there are more hateful folks than kind and it isn't your fault but don't be a fool and give in to their BS.

[@stacy9538]

i understand this completely. My dad was an alcoholic and i didn't go into pubs/bars because it made me uncomfortable to see other people drink. I was that way until i was 27 ( im 40 now), when i used to go for meals, but i still rarely drink. Unfortunately my dads alcoholism cost him his life 5 years ago, makes me even more determined not to go near alcohol :(

[@Grindstaff09]

Unfortunately this syndrome can be so perfectly described and explained, yet I haven't seen any examples of anyone who has overcome it. In this video and with Jerry Wise, they don't even attempt to suggest a solution, other than paying Jerry $250 an hour and not taking insurance. What a violation of ACOA principles.

[@zionsgirl6456]

Duly noted about them not taking insurance 🧐 I just found a therapist in my area who accepts mine. Gonna see what happens

[@07wrxtr1]

My mother is still an alcoholic til this day and she gets hooked up financially from the government so she has no incentive to change.

[@einarabelc5]

Why does it look like Snake oil sales to me?

[@Ikaros23]

Most likely because beeing non trusting/paranoid is the normal of acoas

[@debbot6129]

XOXO 😘😘😘😘😘 LOVE IS LOVE 💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝

[@crpdr507]

Thank you !