Addicted to Toxic Love? Trauma Bonds Explained - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

Let me know your thoughts below: did this answer your Qs on whether you might be in a trauma-bonded relationship? Are any of the signs familiar to you? To start breaking free, remember to download the guide here: www.terricole.com/true-love-or-trauma-bond-guide/

[@YukonFox1972]

I know that I’m trauma bonded. I’ve tried numerous times to go No Contact. It’s an addiction like no other. I feel ashamed and doomed.

[@YukonFox1972]

He seems just as addicted to me as I am to him.

[@anjijack5392]

Been there. It took me 4 years to finally let him go once and for all back in February. It's been torture, but I haven't had any contact with him since. I've turned a huge corner and have just now started to truly heal. 🙏🏻💔

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and holding space for your shame 💕 If it's accessible to you, I would recommend professional help because it is so powerful.

[@ReggaeWonderland]

​@@elan007what is a SSLA group? I'm aware of 12 step AA or NA groups but not SSLA. Please advise. Thanks 💜

[@jjjjjooolllie-aaaaanne]

S: sex, L:love, A: addiction A:anonymous ❤️

[@carmenl163]

I think the predisposition part is very important, and usually ignored. It seems like adult, mature people get into a trauma bond without wondering WHY they put up with it. Someone stable, secure and full of self respect will never allow a trauma bond to happen. But we do, because we have a child wound that we think this person can heal. That's the bait.

[@honeyb300x]

I just came here to amplify your comment. That I too think the predisposition part of proclivity to a traa bond situation is not talked about enough. What are the parts of our pysche/make-up/subconscious ego that are wounded and susceptible to becoming entangled in a trauma bond in a long term way. Knowing/understanding and cultivating a deep self-awareness may prevent repeat situations and make it somewhat easier to break that bond by first healing the parts of you that that unhealthy bond 'speaks to'.

[@tamterell]

It’s when they become defensive…at every little thing and inquiry.

[@LizShepherd-oc6he]

This is one of the best videos I have watched on this. I was in a trauma bond, but I managed to break free 5 months ago, but it took me about a year. I kept trying to get away, but couldn't. He would make me feel amazing one minute, then drop me like a stone the next. He would create intense confusion, we had such physical chemistry, he would say that he has strong feelings for me, then say it's just a casual thing for him. It broke me. He once finished with me, then hoovered me back in the next day. I was emotionally distraught that night. I remember the feeling every time we made up and got back together. I was so happy. But I knew he would start ignoring me again after a few days. It turned in to an obsession. I didn't know what was happening to me. Thank goodness for KZbin. By watching videos here, I was able to understand that he was narcissistic and would never change. I still have to see him sometimes as his son goes to the same school as my daughter. It's still painful having to see him, but I feel like myself again since I finally broke free.

[@terri_cole]

I am so, so glad to hear you were able to break free, Liz. 💕 Amazing work! If you need help dealing with the reminders, I have a video on how to avoid getting sucked back into toxic relationships here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rZDWmmeuf9OpbKc

[@ladyrois]

I really don't want to hit the thumbs up on this video, and I really don't want to acknowledge how much I saw of myself in it. What I'd like to have is the video that says what the next steps are. Thank you for your work

[@claudianehring614]

Walk away, have no contact and begin to heal. You can do this!!!

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️❤️ I have resources on how to begin breaking free in the guide for this episode: www.terricole.com/true-love-or-trauma-bond-guide/ I also have a video on how to safely leave an abusive relationship here, that might help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bnK0dn5sZ6-indU

[@Martty_4]

I couldn't stop crying when Terri mentioned Vik hugged her while she was I a bad mood. How many of us require that from our parents and friends and partners. All I received from my grief was people telling me call me when u want help. I haven't had someone make any effort to huh me or say I am your support and I will be there .thank u Terri, your tone of voice is very comforting. I'm going through a very very hard time and Ur such a huge blessing. God bless u and Vik🌺

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love your way ❤️

[@Lindokuhle.Nkwanyane]

How do I get out of a trauma bond in a way that doesn’t harm the other person? I have been trying to get out of one so many times but I find myself back with them. The entire relationship feels overwhelmingly toxic and I am unhappy but I notice the other person never experiences any of the hardships I go through. Instead every single time I suggest we call it quits, they are always surprised and my wanting to break things up is called into question. I already struggle with the idea of being without them so I continuously find myself back with them, apologising for the reasons why I wanted to break up initially. (ie feeling unloved, unseen, unconsidered, and confused. The cycle is never ending. The reality of being in the same environment as them everyday makes things so much harder.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. ❤️ It’s important that this person has a support system that’s outside of you, and I would encourage you to address that with them. It’ll be easier for you to feel safe focusing on yourself/your needs if this person is getting help either from a professional or even a friend/family member. That way, you can also call upon that person to help them when you end the relationship and ask for their assistance in taking care of this person and helping to support them while you distance yourself. I also recommend watching this video I did about not getting sucked back into toxic relationships: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rZDWmmeuf9OpbKc

[@anjijack5392]

Spot on. We were addicted to each other. He even told me verbatim. I found myself constantly making excuses for his behavior. It was extremely sexual up front. It "felt" like true love. We didn't even realize we were doing this to each other. But, even though it took me 4 years to finally let him go once and for all back in February. It's been torture, but I haven't had any contact with him since. I've turned a huge corner and have just NOW have started to truly heal. I was incredibly ashamed of staying. And being that it was an LDR just prolonged the ability to see things for what they were. I was very myopic. 🙏🏻💔

[@claudianehring614]

I had the exact same relationship for 10 years. I felt addicted to him. I finally walked away 2 years ago with no contact. Yeah!!!! .

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for sharing your tender story with us ❤️ I'm so glad you were able to walk away in February and begin your healing journey!

[@DD-ry4mm]

"You cant even trust YOURSELF that you cant protect YOURSELF"😢😢 thats deeply how I feel.

[@terri_cole]

I see you ❤️❤️

[@claudianehring614]

Every. Single. Word. Describes. That. 10 year. Relationship!!!!! I finally walked away 2 1//2 years ago!!!!

[@terri_cole]

Way to go on walking away! 👏👏👏

[@flyingcheff]

Omg! I cannot express enough how SHOCKING it is to speak of hardship (trauma bonding included, especially) to a friend that just has it quite a bit easier- in a zillion ways (not poor, not sick, not alone, did I mention, not poor?) - by simple fortune. The whole, "I don't get it, can't you just/you should just....". Mind boggling. How small the world of some...

[@sally5256]

You just had me in tears with your honesty, but, more importantly, your brilliance in succinctly laying out what to look for and the why individuals do what they do. Your work is so incredibly valuable! Thank you 🙏 ❤. I was struggling today as to the “why” I am so stuck on this one person after a year and knowing for awhile something was not right. This may be why. It’s so hard because he seemed to be a sheep in wolves clothing - consciously or unconsciously- either way it is so disappointing and disheartening- and to be honest - so confusing. It’s a rotten way to view a person/ situation. Hard to come to terms with the reality. Also listen to you towards the end - trauma bond is a fantasy- ties into to what I just learned about limerence - does that make sense? Maybe you can touch on limerence?

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for saying so, Sally ❤️ I'm glad it resonated with you. As for limerence, the definition is: "the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship." It seems like it means infatuation that is not sexual, whereas trauma bonds emphasize physical/sexual attraction. I hope that helps!

[@sally5256]

Thank you for the clarification. Either one is simply difficult to navigate. Thank you for the work you do - especially here on KZbin. You are always responsive which gies above and beyond… 🙏❤️

[@gregariasanchez1801]

Todas mis relaciones de pareja han sido así, un poco más cortas o más largas. Y han sido con alcohólicos. Ahora entiendo que mi familia de origen: mi padre alcohólico y mi madre dependiente con tendencias narcisistas, que me enseñaron los papeles que después escenifiqué en mi vida, con la excepción de que no soy narcisista sino una empática super sensible. De algún modo terminé entendiendo que mientras no superara la relación tóxica con mi madre, no sería capaz de tener una relación de pareja seria y no tóxica. En eso estoy, entendiendo y superando mis traumas. Y tú, Terri querida, me has ayudado un montón! Mil gracias!

[@terri_cole]

Understanding and overcoming your traumas is a big deal, Gregaria! I am witnessing your journey with compassion and joy ❤️

[@tararawson2630]

Literally watching this with my mouth hanging open. Mic drop moment after mic drop moment. I thought I was destined to be with the boy I fell in love with at 16. Two destroyed relationships later, and any time he had the opportunity to be with me, he never took it. Only wanted me when he didn't want me. But we both believed we were destined to be together. that's why we can't stay away from each other. THis video has just described the last 20 years of my life.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️

[@shopawhat]

This is a very valuable video 🥺

[@shellshelly5552]

WOW! This has not been a mystery to me that for the last seven years, I am in the exact situation you describe Terri. And I am fully aware it is damaging to my well being. It’s been back and forth and back and forth, too many embarrassing times to count. How does one PERMANENTLY leave this type of relationship? When apart, after a short time, the feeling is dark and excruciating. I am not ever successful at ending what needs to end. We are now two days in the break up mode again, after weeks of “bliss.”

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love 💕 It is really difficult, and you are not alone. I recommend getting professional help if it's accessible to you. If not, try the exercises in the guide here: www.terricole.com/true-love-or-trauma-bond-guide/ I also have this video that might help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rZDWmmeuf9OpbKc

[@shellshelly5552]

Thank you so very much Terri. Yes, I searched for a therapist and have been going since 1/23. I am in therapy with a wonderful therapist. She is away on vacation for two weeks. Thank you, for your very informative KZbin videos. I know I didn’t find you by accident, you showed up just in time.😊.@@terri_cole

[@naphtaliministries]

Wow. I recognize myself in this. Thank you sooo much for sharing your wisdom.

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@annamarsch6091]

This was the best definition and explaination of what a trauma bond acutally is. Thank you. It helps temendiously to understand what was going on.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so happy to hear it was helpful 💕

[@theperfectautumn8781]

Spot on!! Thanks for your work here ~

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@toddh7155]

Um wow this video has really really hit home with me. I knew I was part of a trauma bond but this video has explained it better than any other I have watched!

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it was helpful ❤️

[@bradballard4588]

This hits the nail right on the head. My ex had an affair with a homeless, unemployed alcoholic who happened to be a distant relative of hers. She was a SAHM. Formerly a pharma drug rep before kids. We had a three and a five year old. She blindsided me with a divorce request out of the blue, week later, I caught her in bed with the guy. She files a TRO and gets me out of the house, delays the hearing for a month, moves the guy in, I have to get an apartment. Finally the TRO is dropped as there is no evidence to support it, but the damage is done. I’m out of the house, the AP has a place to live. They were together for 13 years. They lived in poverty. She worked as a cashier, he had his SS disability payment. She eventually filed for disability and they lived on that too. Every 2 or 3 years, one of them would get arrested for DV, and they would get the charges dropped by saying the cop got the information wrong on the arrest report.Finally , the AP beat my son and he was convicted of DV against my son. My ex was reduced to supervised visits and lost all legal custody as she still kept AP around after conviction. In the hearing where she lost the kids, she said AP was the love of her life. She perfectly described a trauma bond to the judge detailing the fight and their reconciliation. A year later, the AP died. Six months later, she was in a much healthier relationship, working as a pharma rep again. Just crazy to

[@sufa9996]

Just got out. Amazing explanation.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you, and so glad to hear you got out! 💕

[@toddh7155]

If we are trauma bonded to them, are they bonded to us? Or will they just get a new person to continue the cycle with?

[@alisonapeler1106]

😢 OMG this was my marriage and the next relationship, which was on/off for 2 years. I’m “clean” 3 weeks and doing better. Taking all my strength but every day I feel a bit better. Good luck to all of you and thank you for this video, Terri 🙏

[@terri_cole]

I am cheering you on ❤️❤️ and you're so welcome.

[@alisonapeler1106]

@@terri_cole ❤️

[@prant8998]

Thanks Terri, yes the trauma bond, very similar to, "Stockholm Syndrome,” where a cycle of abuse, then kindness will make any human bond strongly with an abuser. With my Honey Bunny, her tantrums were so insane and meaningless, and also short duration, I had trouble wondering if I dreamed them! But, sure enough, a couple of months later we were back in crazy town with some disproportionate anger episode. Why? Made no sense, but she liked it, and maybe, enjoyed the pain she was giving out.

[@dianeclayton4936]

Thank you for this Teri! I'm so exhausted from the suffering. I got out for 5 years...started talking 2 years ago...wish I hadn't done that. I'm back to the same cycle. Hypervigilant, hurting. This is horrible to live with. Im psychologically aware, but my body is screaming. I gave up booze 5 years ago. It was nothing like this...and I was a dying bona-fide alcoholic.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love, Diane ❤️

[@eloisesfavouritethings3978]

Terri please write your next book on this subject we need it so badly! Look at the success of Why does He do that? Xxx

[@terri_cole]

I appreciate that ❤️ My next book is spoken for already but I'm happy to revisit this topic in future videos!

[@eloisesfavouritethings3978]

Can't wait to read it. I loved The Boundary Boss. I do think women need a road map to navigate and leave and also to spot an abusive relationship though xxx

[@souljourney7155]

Thank you 🙏🏽 ❤

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@TiffanyLucio]

This did in fact answer my questions about trauma bonding. In fact it has really been eye opening. I realize that I am badly rapped up in a trauma bond and even though I know and see it, I still find it hard to leave. I feel as if it is an impossibility. Thank you for all your insight and information because at least now I can have somewhat of a proof to show myself.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ It is very difficult to leave for the reasons stated in the video. If it helps, I might suggest recording when the relationship doesn't make you feel good for further proof.

[@jjjjjooolllie-aaaaanne]

So amazingly helpful THANK YOU

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful ❤️

[@Fern_Thaddeus]

Thank you ❤

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome, thanks for being here ❤️

[@liatkan]

ok vic is my hero now

[@flyingcheff]

Can one be trauma bonded with their child after a trauma filled relationship with the husband/father? Like, "we lived through it (thanks to the very attentive and present, protective parent that LEFT the danger)", and now that we are both adults, it's a shit show when we are in each other's company? The "good one" wonders and is lost in bewilderment, and devastating heartbreak...

[@terri_cole]

I'm curious- why is it a shit show? What are you fighting about?

[@flyingcheff]

@terri_cole Oh my goodness, I couldn't be more elated that you asked, only because I really want to understand and try to do whatever I can to change the shit show. My personal thought on this to answer your question, is that my (now adult - 25) kiddo is just so pissed about all the crap from dad not being there (but not being dead) os just so infuriating for her that because I'm the one that IS near, I get the dog kick. I hear (from celebrities and other online people that talk and share stories) about sons and daughters that grasp that their hard working parent - even a parent that paid attention to trying to do it (raising a child) as consciously as they could to be "functionally healthy", did a good job even though it was DIFFICULT without support, and I wonder why is mine so oissed at ME? Total disrespect. I have 2 degrees, put myself through school (and paid off my loans) by waitressing, and cleaning for years. I became a commercial pilot, re-built my own little plane to build my experience, made her my #1 priority when she came, and went through cancer (and treatment) twice. Am not a useless pile if shit - and she has no freaking respect! She is a nasty piece of unhappiness. As a minor, she was not difficult. The bug surprise came later. And she can't even pin point the "horror" of her childhood as related to me, except to say, "You just don't understand, even though I tell you over and over "... No specifics? And no physical, sexual, or psychological abuse that she or I know of. Basically, she's super pissed, has no ambition, and seems to blame me - with no details for me to consider- or validate or otherwise. Sigh. Hope that's not too much. It's real, I'm exhausted.

[@dj_spinfire_d-.-b]

I just watched this and your codependant / narcissist video and they've brought me to absolute tears. What would be your thoughts on a Trauma Bond also being a Twin Flame Connection as well? Because I have only recently learned about what trauma bond is, it has left me so absolutely torn.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for watching, and I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I am not exactly sure what you mean by "twin flame connection," but I have some videos that may help clarify: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aIW4o6Jood6rhpI - Top 10 Traits of Healthy Love (for an idea of what a healthy relationship might look like) kzbin.info/www/bejne/joC0dampgJqkmaM - Beware of These Common Manipulation Tactics kzbin.info/www/bejne/nGPYnmqwZa6gq8k - Signs of an Unsafe Relationship

[@dj_spinfire_d-.-b]

I fear that with the realization of a toxic narcissticly abusive relationship is actually a false flame is the most severe case of a trauma bond. With my inherent codependecy, i feel like my only way through this will be therapy. Much gratitude for you reaching out.

[@well_weathered]

A good reason to do couples therapy first, so going back after is not on the table.

[@christineMaccallum-uo3qx]

Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah is the highest I praise 3

[@elmaswanepoel1598]

Is it intentional? Are they even aware of using it? Or is it just part of their natural MO / personality? I don't see myself as a victim anymore, yet there are many symptoms still. He is very co-dependant on me. Its draining. Yes, I am ashamed of staying, of always being hoovered back in (he has a victim mentality when I leave and seems very lost), whilst I have all the knowledge after educating myself a lot. Thank you so much for this excellent video on a very mis-understood situation.

[@terri_cole]

It can be unintentional in the way that the person might be desperate to get their needs met and isn’t able to focus on the needs of the other person or respect those needs. That can often lead to manipulation as the desperation grows. Continuing to work on your own internal and external boundaries can change the dynamic. He might try to manipulate you, but you can prevent yourself from getting sucked in by saying no and setting boundaries as much as possible. However, if there is abuse in the situation, I would strongly encourage you to seek outside help. ❤️

[@elmaswanepoel1598]

@terri_cole thank youTerri. You are changing my life in such a profound way - step by step. Getting there. So grateful 🙏🏻💗

[@NiceLook2014]

Is it possible for someone to create a trauma bond dynamic and perceive themselves as a victim in a relationship where they really aren’t being victimized, but the wound has just been opened up by this other person?

[@dj_spinfire_d-.-b]

My TFC has become far more elaborate than I ever could've imagined. I desperately need council from someone who knows what is happening. An actual person, not the invisible force that speaks to me with signs & channelings. my heart has been tested pure, I've de-colonized from the false flame covert malignant narcissist(Imprinted on me since age 12), simultaneously been shown my true twin(her look-alike cousin), & I've made myself known to her. What do i just have to wait however long it takes for her to believe in the connection on her own? Please help me?! My heart yearns for the love meant for it.

[@BethyKable]

What is the purpose of it? Are they narcissists trying to manipulate you? It sounds like a simple narcissist playing out with an empath.

[@terri_cole]

Yes, trauma bonding is a psychological addiction to a narcissistic abusive person.

[@eloisesfavouritethings3978]

So they do it to make you stay? Because they know they are abusive and that's the only way you will? Like the good stuff is the leverage?

[@marydowd1290]

I don't feel it is an addiction. It's a bond. I get bonded very quickly

[@AubreeFusselman]

How can you tell if it’s a trauma bond or just a lot of fighting/generalized relationship problems?

[@terri_cole]

I think the cycle of abuse is a big one- usually, one person perpetuates the active abuse and the other participates in the cycle by staying. The cycle of abuse is what strengthens the trauma bond.

[@AubreeFusselman]

@@terri_cole Thank you.

[@neveragain733]

Yea, i was the victim of reactive abuse. I finally ended it. The heal has been very very slow.

[@NiceLook2014]

@@neveragain733once this happens it’s so hard to tell what is happening and it’s so confusing because if I’m being told i am abusive but i am feeling reactive, but they are also feeling reactive and confused, we are both feeling abused, becoming defensive, blaming, etc it’s like ok what is even going on. I think I am pretty consistent but im told im not and things are my fault idk

[@PaigeSquared]

Does Vic have any available nephews or sons...? 😂🤣 The only man I've ever had a relationship with, where he wasn't automatically defensive, was my father. He passed before I recognized what a gift that actually is.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ Communication is something I see a lot of couples struggle with. We just weren't taught how to do conflict well!

[@HotTamaleez]

Can you so eloquently describe a trauma bond with a toxic parent?

[@terri_cole]

It is still wanting comfort from the exact person who perpetrated the abuse.

[@josephcathcart8366]

❤

[@TheMmiguelito]

Your daughter OR son!!!

[@noturbo]

57 days NC today, i have quit a lot of things in my life and this is right up there on the hard and pain healing levels - Think lots of tears

[@terri_cole]

Witnessing you with so much compassion and sending strength your way ❤️❤️

[@noturbo]

@@terri_cole Thanks and thats so kool ❤❤