📌For more Family Recovery Resources, WATCH THIS VIDEO NEXT: 👉kzbin.info/aero/PLaaJWwIpP_zblfTG-3JWRNQU0FxrphEe9
@mcort293 жыл бұрын
I loved my man but i would never deal with a addict again. It felt like being on constant egg shells. Always having to be so careful not to get on the emotional roller coaster and yet sometimes i still would because i would get tired of holding back and seeing no improvements
@KarinaHernandez-wg1uk2 жыл бұрын
Contact me please :(
@krisbritain82282 жыл бұрын
After many years of being in this kind of relationship, I'm definitely traumatized, from going down the rabbit hole with him over & over, enabling, Co dependent etc etc, Tired of being his own private ATM machine! Have to leave to save my sanity. Amber, you've been great. You gave me comfort with understanding what it was like for me. I pray you will not lose your faith in trying to help others. I admire your strength for doing this!
@tleemf69232 жыл бұрын
So indeed feel you ..had my 24 year old son with mental illness alcholizm and meth addiction( smokes and weed) on one side and my past partner mental unwellness and booze and meth on the other side ...I was living in a Vice ..almost ate s ton of edibles and slip into forever sleep in the cold river....got them both out this past 9 months ..and now both back around ..will not let either in the house 🥺really hard stuff ..but my life preserver is on tight and I'm not letting go ...💜🕊💫✊many blessings to you💜🕊💫✊
@tleemf69232 жыл бұрын
@@krisbritain8228 yessss same ..with son and past partner...I am EXHAUSTED ..but also defending boundries like NEVER BEFOR ...building them defending them ..finger on the disl for police and crisis lines...I WILL NOT LET EITHER back in my home ..even thou my son grew up here ..HARD STUFF...but after years you come to understand you cant save others if you are going down with the sinking ship...
@shelleywilbur614 Жыл бұрын
The need to incite a fight to release painful emotions is something we’ve all experienced. And of course it does no good. People with addiction disorders want what they want when they want it and other humans either get in their way or help them get what they want.
@cait27634 жыл бұрын
I cried in the first 5 min of watching your video and feel like i am actually not alone in this and its really helping understand that its not all in my head feeling this way. Thank you.
@PutTheShovelDown4 жыл бұрын
Goodness Caitlin, I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you found some help in this video
@aaggie15733 жыл бұрын
I feel the exact same way. These video have helped me process what I'm thinking and feeling and show me that I'm not alone. Or crazy.
@merrewyn3 жыл бұрын
Omg. It took me months and months to stop searching my house
@maryhaun55373 жыл бұрын
Al anon has helped me soooooo much. XOXO
@CaraWorick2 жыл бұрын
I started crying within a few minutes too. This is all so hard
@victoriap68362 жыл бұрын
Your videos made me realize he never really loved me, he loved the drugs. And that to me is more heartbreaking than the betrayal.
@mujerespues5262 Жыл бұрын
You can't take this personally. You must see it for what it is: reality, no matter how hard it is, that is the truth. For addicts, their number 1 place is their addiction, it doesn't matter who we are in their lives, we only have second place and it's not because they are bad, it's a disease, it's not something they can control or do it out of evil, it's just something that we must accept and learn to live with it without suffering... Accept and move on with our own life.
@charmee40456 ай бұрын
There first and only love is their addiction, doesn't matter what the drug is?
@tonirad95774 ай бұрын
It is devastating to realize how easily you can be pushed aside for a cheap bottle of vodka . Over and over again !
@catara992 жыл бұрын
Wow, 2:45 minutes in and im like "yes! Finally, I'm not crazy and overly sensitive when I feel like I'm living in PTSD all the time!" Thank u for this video, it at least helps me not feel like such a weakling
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
Hi Kat1! so glad this was helpful!
@tinkershell18563 жыл бұрын
It’s such a relief to finally understand why I couldn’t make decisions. My emotions were such a mess, combined with nearly zero sleep. I didn’t get any sleep until he passed out for at least 3 days. Ugh. He took us to a counselor because I was losing control. I was such a mess, the counselor wasn’t sure at first who the alcoholic was. I’m so happy to be free of the roller coaster! I had forgotten how bad it really was 💔
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
How long did it take to get better?
@tinkershell18563 жыл бұрын
@@PutTheShovelDown my recovery started when my son and I moved out. I began counseling and made most of my recovery the first year. I am still recovering, but now I can watch your awesome videos and read others’ stories with minimal emotional reaction or attachment. I feel free now 🦋
@tinkershell18563 жыл бұрын
@@PutTheShovelDown it’s been 11 years since we left, but he’s still drinking heavily.
@peterlyons87933 ай бұрын
@@tinkershell1856Wow!
@AYe-ly2yo4 жыл бұрын
I find being open with your experience and connect with more "normal" people, help to keep you on the sane level as well. Sometimes what happens is since you have been in the situation for too long, you forget what normal is.
@PutTheShovelDown4 жыл бұрын
A great piece of advice. 😃😁📣🤯🙏 Talking to normal people about normal things will help keep you from obsessing so much, which will help you have more control over all those feelings!
@AYe-ly2yo4 жыл бұрын
@@PutTheShovelDown exactly. During the experience with an addict, he/she would try to manipulate you the way he/she behave is normal. Being the caring person, you want to try to understand and be accepting of them, which in turn can twist your own perception of reality. When you connect more with more "normal" people, that is when you realize how far the addicts' logics have gone.
@AYe-ly2yo4 жыл бұрын
@@PutTheShovelDown sometimes you do not even need to talk about the experience in question, just being treated properly and normally by regular folks can bring you back from the rabbit hole, realizing what you have been experiencing is abnormal and disrespectful etc.
@AYe-ly2yo4 жыл бұрын
@@PutTheShovelDown what I also find very helpful is simply disengage from those rationalization/right/wrong conversations, both internally with yourself and externally with the addicts. Just let yourself be you and let the addicts be the addict, do not try to figure out what and who is right or wrong. Just be your happy self despite who they are being.
@19katsandcounting4 жыл бұрын
A. Ye I had to come to that too, but I still find it hard to focus on me at times.
@steve130200011 ай бұрын
Living with an adult addicted son. You have nailed me in this video. I live down that rabbit hole
@cherylvand3 ай бұрын
Me too
@wendydaniel11102 ай бұрын
Get out of the rabbit hole and they will most likely follow you.. You taking space will bring the reality of your absence to reality. It can be the catalyst to a major life change for yourself and the addict. ❤
@m_d19054 жыл бұрын
Thank you for this. It's really hard to function when you are constantly in fight/flight/freeze. It's like trying to walk through miry clay, you get stuck and slip and slide all over and get nowhere. Finding that right therapist is so crucial.
@PutTheShovelDown4 жыл бұрын
It truely feels like living on a roller coaster. You're on the hills and loops but not the one in control!
@peggyhavard15462 жыл бұрын
You are so right finding the right therapist! After 51 yrs & we’re both retired @ 65 now 71 ! He started hanging with alcoholics friends so that doesn’t help! Walked out 1 1/2 yrs ago! Gotten in little fender bender paid cash to get fix. 8 months into settling our assets before we lose it all! God help me! Vodka was the choice of addiction!
@curtissmith44432 жыл бұрын
For all the men who have watched this video, but struggle to admit they are traumatized, please get help. It’s not your fault you were threatened by an addict. When you don’t get help, you are just extending that person’s control over you life. Please take care of yourself.
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
That's great advice, Curtis!
@pamkies-lowe4288 Жыл бұрын
OMG. The lights just literally went ON as I watched this!! I had been dealing with an addicted husband (alcohol & OxyContin) for years, finally divorced him and struggled financially. Next I learned my son was addicted to heroin and dealt with that, just waiting for THAT phone call every minute of every day… Top that with typical work issues and then an Office Karen filing a complaint against me for not putting up with her bullying any longer. I felt like I fell off the planet! My doctor took me off work for a month, it extended into 6 months, then into a disability retirement at 62 yrs old. Now, I understand how & why all this happened!! I felt like I was the crazy one… Thank you for the perspective!
@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын
So glad this was helpful, Pam. It sounds like it's been a lot of years of pain!
@robinross51023 жыл бұрын
So glad I live alone with just my son. The thought of another addicted man in my household just makes me cringe 😖
@clairebearie873 жыл бұрын
They are sadly everywhere and lie to get in
@madonnatoney50393 жыл бұрын
My significant other (8 years together) is an alcoholic. On top of being addicted to alcohol-he is addicted to porn. DOUBLE WHAMMY!!!! It’s so disheartening. He is a boat captain. Prior to this pandemic-he would work 28/14 (work 28 days and home 14 days)! He WILL NOT drink the whole time he is working. However, he feels entitled once he is home. I recently fell and broke my hip in 2 places. Had to have surgery and go to Inpatient rehab for therapy. I was hospitalized and in therapy for nearly 5 weeks. He came to visit me ONE (1) time for fifteen minutes (because he HAD to bring me necessities that I needed)! He chose his alcohol over me! I needed him. I’m very angry-hurt and do not know how to get past that!!!! Thank you for your videos. You are truly an inspiration.
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
Wow Madonna, I can't blame you for being upset. That would be very hurtful!
@dianadhyana11963 жыл бұрын
They will always choose "it" over you."It" is the mistress.
@oozingplazma2 жыл бұрын
With all do respect, he chose it in the beginning, but unless they are not mentally addicted, saying they choose the addiction over you is simplifying something that is complex and not actually a reflection on you. I hope it is fair to assume your partner is mentally/physiologically addicted. People who are simply physically addicted do not get any mental cravings for their drug/drink of choice. For example, my mother was prescribed pain pills for spine surgery. She did not abuse them, but developed a physical dependance. It was simple for her to make a taper plan and get off the pills. She followed the plan, tapered off, and that was that. Her lack of a mental addiction along with the taper plan made this straightforward and achievable. She was not an addict for that reason. An addict has used their drink/drug to the point of a mental dependance to where it is no longer simply a choice. Some addicts do not have serious physical dependency, only mental, while most addicts get to a point where their physiological state has changed. Their mental need/craving for the substance has changed their physical state. The brain has incorporated the substance into a normal part of the brain and body's functioning. It can become involuntary, almost like breathing or feeling hunger cravings. The need to drink or use is survival, it is wellness, and it is mental stability and peace. It is how they cope, it is their answer to anxiety, stress, and suffering, and without it, the result is a withdrawal that is debilitating. The brain will fire off horrendous symptoms. Symptoms that manifest mentally and physically to force you to use that drug or substance. The brain will create pain, anxiety, sickness in the form of nausea, headaches, diarrhea, aches, vomiting, depression, and much more and in all and any combination. That is why people fundamentally change who they would be sober... They are basically hijacked mentally and physically. A person can sincerely wish to be free of the drink or drug, but this physiological state does not easily allow it. They have to get through a detox for the physical withdrawal. Then after that 1-4 week period, depending on what they are addicted to, next begins the mental battle for healing the brain. This is called Post Acute Withdrawal. It is known to last a month to a couple years. It is different for everyone and depends on the severity of use as well as their specific body and situation. This is all impacted by their environment, their diet, and their relationships in life. They are all intertwined and impacted by each other. It is not simply him "not loving you enough". It goes far deeper than that. You could leave forever tomorrow, and he would still be making negative and self sabotaging choices due to the toxic nature of abusing the brain/body poison that is alcohol. He is stuck in a brain pattern of poisoning himself, and the lenses he sees through impairs better judgment. Of course it does not excuse it, it is simply an explanation. Some people die this way, while others no longer get relief from their addiction, and they strive to get clean and improve... But that is solely for them to feel. You can influence this of course. I highly recommend this CRAFT method explained on this channel! It is a beautiful balance of compassion and boundaries. Please, just be aware of yourself. If you feel it is negatively affecting you to much, or the person is nowhere near ready to even begin the process of healing and stopping addiction, do not try to change them or rush them being ready, and please do not sacrifice your well being and destroy yourself in the process of waiting the unknown amount of days or years it could take. I firmly believe addicts should not date while in addiction, as they do not have the full compacity to honestly be the full healthy partner they are capable of being, due to their brain being hijacked. Each situation is different of course. Wait if you have the tools and patience to help him, and leave if he is nowhere near ready to get help or if he in unwilling to receive help or abuses you despite your patience and understanding, and especially if he has yet to even recognize his addiction and it's negative impact on his life. I wish you all the love and luck dear ❤️ pardon my novel. I left my addicted partner who wasn't ready for help, and am currently receiving help myself for a heavy addiction and sexual and physical abuse. I am simply relaying what i have experienced as well as learned from the professionals helping me 🥲 With all do respect, i hope this helps you realize you are not the problem, and you are enough. It is he who is blinded, and unable to even comprehend how his addiction translates in your relationship and how it impairs his ability to be a healthy and good partner towards you. I hope you can heal from any pain, trauma, or childhood patterns that have or may influence you to stay with an addict who doesn't take actions towards help while dating you. May you make peace with any pain, and come to a point where you do not accept anything unhealthy, and that you also reach a point of being healthy towards yourself.. i pray you are already there. You are loveable, he is sick. And you can transcend and will persevere. with love, Alma .
@revelation72624 ай бұрын
How are you doing today? Peace be with you ❤☮️🪺🦋
@revelation72624 ай бұрын
@@oozingplazmaYour comment was helpful to me. ❤ Thank you for sharing it. How are you doing now? Peace be with you ☮️🦋🕊️🪴
@audreyjones94403 жыл бұрын
More people should be watching you, maybe it's the denial keeping them from getting here. It's so good to know someone understands. Thank you for what you do.
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
I appreciate that!
@ashleyszyszkowskiashspract71532 жыл бұрын
You just hit the nail on the head for me!! I woke up the other morning and the weather was exactly like it was a year ago when my family was in a whirlwind from my SO actively using drugs and alcohol after 21 years of sobriety. I woke up so angry for seemingly no reason. I’m familiar with PTSD, but had not considered this for myself. (I’m wrapping up a masters degree in counseling, but not focused on addiction). We lost our home, I was sick with Covid, I had little money for a deposit for a rental, and during the same timeframe, my father passed away. It was like getting knocked over by a train of losses! However, the best thing I have done for myself is starting to learn the guitar!! It soothed the emotions and I found that while learning guitar, I was only focusing on the guitar! Gradually my brain started to calm down after just one month! Since then, my SO is in a rehab, working on himself, and I am gaining more self-empowerment over regulating my emotions! Thank you Amber!! Your videos continue to provide knowledge, compassion, and support!! I wish you’d open a treatment center in Myrtle Beach!
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
I'd definitely say that situation caused you some trauma! Thank you so much for sharing some of your personal story. We all need to hear how things can turn around for people. You give us HOPE! 🥰
@melonqueen51383 жыл бұрын
I don't want to even think about him. Tired of being really mad. Tired of everything...
@SadMother3603 жыл бұрын
Same, my 27 year old daughter is my qualifier.
@skeeza763 жыл бұрын
I'm here too.
@samia68884 ай бұрын
How are you now
@samia68884 ай бұрын
@@skeeza76how are you now
@tonirad95774 ай бұрын
Bedtime is the hardest time I think .
@polkprincess27142 жыл бұрын
Where are the consequences and accountability for the addict in recover? It feels like as the spouse I am the only one suffering consequences...emotionally and financially
@a..r.9341 Жыл бұрын
Watch, watch.again, and again, until it gets into my 🧠 🗳💡. Thank you so much 💖💜💙.
@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын
Thank you too!
@Floppy-123510 ай бұрын
This is very helpful. I am so sad right now.
@sunflowerzelda452 жыл бұрын
my answer to this problem is live alone. with dogs :) plenty of love for dogs.
@kimmoore17383 ай бұрын
My dogs are my lifeline
@Ali-gn6yq3 жыл бұрын
I think you are saving my life
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
Hi Ali, I'm glad I can be helpful in your journey!
@rzamez51503 жыл бұрын
Your video helps explain all of these excessive impulses and emotions been having, its like Pandora's box. I dont want to look inside but cant resist and it usually always ends up hurting me even more...
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
That's right R! There's nothing good inside that box!
@pixieblue19162 жыл бұрын
Wow, thank you so much for this video. I always blame myself, that my emotions or my needs are way too much. I try so hard to regulate myself and my desires for life and connection but any time I express my emotions my boyfriend says it’s just too much and now we are taking a break. I feel so alone and sad and it’s hard to deal with this dynamic 💕 Thank you for your video
@cootacash2 жыл бұрын
This channel is my best friend & therapist, & yes ptsd !! Yes most certainly
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
Thanks Coota Cash! I'm so glad this channel is helpful to your during a dark time. 💖
@jeanetteeast73433 жыл бұрын
When I start to panic I say states and cities alphabetically and I am shook it works!! I also tell myself the danger is gone.. I kicked him out! Thank you Amber for all you do to help us❤️
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
I love this technique. I’d have to think REALLY hard to do that. 👍🏼
@jeanetteeast73433 жыл бұрын
@@PutTheShovelDown it totally takes all I’ve got but it works 😉
@lisamcquade962322 күн бұрын
Amberly! It’s like your videos show up when I need them the most ♥️ I’m grateful for all your insight and freindlly self! My daughter starts listening to you! Keep up the great work. This was so helpful to me. I was feeling like I was going crazy and I was going to have to check myself in 😢
@PutTheShovelDown21 күн бұрын
Ahhh thanks, Lisa! That's so sweet. Thank you so much for taking time to leave this encouraging comment. 💌
@anthonyrossmaund31613 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for this video. I needed to understand more what I was doing to my loved ones. I am trying to repair some of the damage I caused. I feel burdensome still to them even in recovery. I think it's important to learn what i put my family through so I don't do it again.
@AMM3.3 жыл бұрын
Understanding the damage we caused is the first step to repairing those relationships 🤗
@specialk59942 жыл бұрын
Thank you for the validation. I thought I was dramatic, crazy, and evil to even Google 'trauma reaction and coaddict' type searches..I'm Not crazy...
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
I'm really glad this video was helpful to you, Special K!
@Tashavest0810 Жыл бұрын
THANK YOU SO MUCH! My husband is in active addiction! We had a good night last night and he finally admitted to joe much he’s been drinking, but says he’s tired of it and ready to be done, but doesn’t think he needs outside help. 😭💔
@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын
Take a look at this video. It's about this exact topic: kzbin.info/www/bejne/n3eYiKRon9Cfr9E
@lorrenecoe22672 жыл бұрын
You have been my saviour and therapist Amber over the past two months - amazing thank you so much 🙏🏻 . You’re videos have helped me understand the life I lived with my alcoholic partner for three & half years. From beginning to the end, alcohol & the addiction dictated everything we did in our lives on a day-to-day basis. His ego, manipulation, lies, anger, family dynamics, shame & guilt fuelled any rational thinking. I swear the alcohol has screwed his brain and health. He lacked empathy and his actions often didn’t matched his words. OMG he played the victim card to me and other people, that’s one of his usual manipulation tactics, especially when backed into a corner. We could never talk about his addiction, or my feelings. He was such a man/child like that. I feel so used, angry, resentment, heartbreak and tiredness. He played the family drama triangle so well and I didn’t understand it until I watched your videos on it. I believe I have suffered PTSD as I was in flight/fight mode every day and it turned me into a hyper vigilant, distrusting, angry and stressed woman. I was losing myself, putting on weight and pretending life was good. He is out of my life finally and I’m working on recovery by 1) sleeping 2) exercise 3) doing small things that make me happy. I cry, my heart is broken and I still feel sad, lonely & empty sometimes because I loved this man once, I did see some wonderful traits and we had a life together (no kids). It’s so hard to let go but I realise now his actions were ensuring his needs were met and never about mine - selfish! I know my comments are long but writing helps me clear my head. I need an outlet for me as no one understands what you go through and it’s not there problem anyway. Thank you again Amber for helping me understand my part to play in this relationship too. I understand it was my ego, kindness, over-caring, trying to please everyone but myself and letting him override my boundaries that got me into this mess! Never again! Your videos are teaching me to be smarter & strategic so I don’t make the same mistakes ever again! It’s time for some calm, normality, happiness and love 🤗🌺💗
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
I can hear the conviction in your comment, and I love it! ♥️
@lorrenecoe22672 жыл бұрын
@@PutTheShovelDown I can’t thank you, Amber, and your team enough for your videos. You take the crazy, complexity and the dizzying crap out of situations and you show us how to break it down from all angles, then to reflect and the next steps to take. Your content ,voice, humour and calm has helped soothe my brain which was going to explode 🤯. I’ve stopped digging the rabbit hole further. I’ve filled it with self-love, calmness and Amber videos ! I am putting the shovel down! Love you Amber and keep doing what you do, you’re an angel 😇 💗
@AMM3.3 жыл бұрын
Holy fu*k.. I love your comparison of not hitting the brakes.. as a Canadian I really identify with that 😂.. hit the brakes and your screwed.. just like snow.. you just have to relax and lean into the direction of the loss of control.. brilliant!! I'm pretty upset I didn't come up with that example 😂 damn it!
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
❄❄🧊⛸❄🧊
@kristadeclan3 жыл бұрын
I laughed so hard when you said About the therapy part “ I’ll tell you what they are telling us tho they’re telling us how crazy you are.. lol 👍🏼
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
It's so true!
@janicerennie4223 жыл бұрын
I didn't laugh, but I definitely had an "aha" moment! Great.
@kristadeclan3 жыл бұрын
@@janicerennie422 yes that too. Def a aha moment
@williamgrant91673 жыл бұрын
I just found my favorite KZbin channel right here! God bless you for all you do!
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
Wow, thank you William! WElcome to our little community 😁
@ChristelPatton-w5f8 ай бұрын
This is so true! The betrayal from affair is so similar to betrayal by an addict who is a loved one.
@sabrinas.80344 ай бұрын
Your channel is so amazing. It gave me so much clarity and confirms leaving (even a sober) addict is the right way to keep myself in a health state.
@PutTheShovelDown4 ай бұрын
Hi Sabrinas. So glad this is helpful! Thank you for the sweet feedback.
@tripdeelets3 ай бұрын
Thank you! I found this very helpful! To those reading this! The change has to come from your partner, I just broke with my partner and it’s hard. You will see a lot of comments but people do change, but don’t wait to see it. Put yourself first! Get healthy, emotionally and physically, get a good support system! Eat well… get back into your passion projects. Pray for your partner that they are putting themselves first, they have to identify that first. We live in a generation where everyone is so quick to forget we are human and life is complex. Be kind to yourself and be truthful to yourself! Not everyone is the same, some of these comments are from people that may not be equipped. Have a blessed day y’all
@AllEmerald2 жыл бұрын
You make everything I’ve been going through for ten years feel validated thank you I feel like you’re the only one who understands
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
I'm so glad these videos help you. That's what keeps me motivated to make them. 😊
@scross843 жыл бұрын
Crazy.... situation is real bad for me. Really scared all the time. Name calling constantly. Oppressive language over and over and over. Help needed.
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
Hi Cross mobile auto repair! Here's a link to my playlist on boundaries. I think it might be helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/amHJi6yleN9rrrc
@KarinaHernandez-wg1uk2 жыл бұрын
Contact me plz
@bethprather92413 жыл бұрын
Praying this is the counsel and training I've needed for my son and myself, for way too many years
@jennybunton46252 жыл бұрын
This is everything I'm feeling this morning - I needed this information SO badly. Thank you, Amber and team for this amazingly helpful content.
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
You are so welcome, Jenny!
@tiffanygrandstaff8 ай бұрын
I searched all of KZbin and couldn't find anything on this topic as realistic.
@reezysenchantedtarot2 жыл бұрын
Those techniques were so helpful. This whole video is really validating! Thank you!!
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
I'm so glad it was helpful to your, Rachel!
@TheLoonAttic2 жыл бұрын
Now that I understand ( thx mostly to your awesome videos), it was like someone let the air, out of the anxiety balloon 🎈. I was dealing with a lot, that I didn’t realize. Wow. 🙏 thx
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
💜💜💜
@TheMsFabster2 жыл бұрын
So glad I found your video. I thought I was crazy for feeling the way I feel. You nailed it. I am always on flight or fight mode. It’s terrible.
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
Hi Fab Franco. I'm glad this video shed a little light in a dark situation for you.
@DDBAMBAM873 жыл бұрын
This is exactly how I feel💔
@paigekennedy98873 жыл бұрын
Thank you for your video it was so helpful. After 9 years of being with a narcissistic man, on/off cocaine addict, for two years he made up a terminal illness and had me care for him and even collect medication which he actually took and didn’t need. 2 years after asking daily if it’s really an illness or coke, I got through truth. Disgusting I’ve been caring for a relapsing lying addict feeling sorry for him thinking he could die from a terminal illness. He even convinced doctors to cover the lies. He is also a dealer.
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
Wow! He was a true con artist!
@wendydaniel11102 ай бұрын
There are timed you HAVE TO let gi of your lived one. Co dependency to the addict is an addiction too. You have to break the chain in order to be a catalyst to change. You are not stuck. Your health and healing is a choice too. Choose you save yourself ❤
@sunflowerzelda452 жыл бұрын
yep,, got it. so broken do not know where to start. years and years of it.
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
💖
@karilines3572 жыл бұрын
I watch this video once a day at least to switch up my brain into good practices.🥰
@alliewilliams4053 жыл бұрын
I got on the lightest dose of Zoloft, and I could finally think straight. Everything wasn’t running off of emotion anymore. I could think clearly. Then I knew it was time to get out. Now he’s in treatment.
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
Hi Allie, I've actually had many clients who have had to get treatment for depression/anxiety from having to deal with an addicted loved one. It takes a major toll on you!
@taylernoelle14 жыл бұрын
Great video, Amber! You always have the best advice. 🧡🧡🧡
@PutTheShovelDown4 жыл бұрын
Thanks for you support!
@candielady49972 жыл бұрын
I am living this right now.
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
😥❣️
@lynyeliga52512 жыл бұрын
Finally found my answers in your video,you can look at me funny, and bam…l am triggered.l know l am plug in the trauma,deep breathing works for me.Canadian fan, thanks for reminding me to watch over again and again till l hear your voice in my head.l was talking to family members ,they said something ,my brain went to ,l know what is happening,l said “ that is the drugs talking” and got shut down fast. I laughed in my head,the breakthrough was ,l wasn’t triggered in anger. Felt proud of myself.kisses and hugs to all your staff!
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
Thanks for watching my Canadian friend, Lyn 💖
@chooseaname14235 ай бұрын
Is binging all these videos considered “going down the rabbit hole”? Because that’s what I do after interactions and not knowing what to do and I feel like I can’t stop watching…which overwhelms my brain and emotions stay high. I do get clarity and it does have good effects, but I’m unable to keep track of the steps (it would be awesome if you had steps in the description or pdfs on a website to link to because people in this predicament need fast answers, we are suffering and need to find out the fastest way to do the healthiest thing….but I know this is free content so thank you for even doing all this work and putting it here, I appreciate you soooo much).
@PutTheShovelDown5 ай бұрын
I'm hoping to write a book in the coming year!
@peggys70562 жыл бұрын
so glad i happened to find your videos ty so much
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
Awww, thanks Peggy!
@polkprincess27142 жыл бұрын
How can you get your confidence and joy back while experiencing betrayal trauma? I feel like I can’t let my guard down for fear of his relapse and need to protect finances as well.
@meganlarsen37972 жыл бұрын
He would ask why I was so emotional. He was so disconnected from himself. Yet he managed to care for me while I had cancer. It was months of hardship for me and he was a rock at times. Yet other times he was an arse. Looking back I think he was really beginning to see how it made his life hard. Went to a coping with cancer related stress meeting and they spoke about drinking. He squirmed in his seat. After his friend died he drank more and more. Ended up leaving me for a colleague that drank just as heavily as him. That went down in flames 8 months ago. He messaged me to tell me he had been on a downward spiral for two years. He had told her she would ruin every relationship she had. I hope it was enough of a mirror for him to get sober. Love him and hate the addiction
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
Does it help a little to know that he knows he messed up?
@brendascally116 Жыл бұрын
Come to Maine and we will teach you to "drift" in the snow! We love to visit your state when it snows, we have the road to ourselves. lol
@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын
That would be awesome! 🚗🚗🚗
@susiehill26884 жыл бұрын
Really enjoying what you're saying. I can relate to SO MUCH. Keep going x
@PutTheShovelDown4 жыл бұрын
Thanks so much for watching my video Susie, and especially thanks for taking the time to leave a comment!!!
@roxy72552 жыл бұрын
Do you think you can get PTSD from living with an addict? Even though he’s been in rehab/home sober for 7 months him suddenly saying he’s going out or to meet someone causes me to have panic attacks and spiral into flight fight mode. Is there any help for this??
@tia77657 ай бұрын
Hi roxy hope you have been well. Can I ask if he stayed sober since your last posted.
@bjharvey30212 жыл бұрын
This is fascinating for me because I live with trauma and it's effects. But I am also a problem drinker, which is something which I do when my PTSD is triggered. I have never gas-lit or been dishonest about my drinking. I find your description of the rabbit-hole and the emotional brain and the disregulation to be very accurate. I often drink as a respose to the symptoms u describe.
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
You have a unique perspective for sure
@babygirl-sy1rd3 жыл бұрын
This is it!! Great video. Everything is spot on.
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
Yay, thank you!
@madeleinebonn90562 жыл бұрын
This really helped me. Thank you so much. I've subscribed and will definitely watch your other videos.
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
Hi Madeleine! Welcome to our little community 💖
@juliejarrett45082 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much Amber!
@squirlie45562 жыл бұрын
That's exactly what happened to me while I was trying to get through my son's addiction/incarcerated.. I've shut down as a person.. alienated everyone.. from 3yrs ago to the present..
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
It's such a painful thing to go through as a parent. Please get some support. Here's a link to our FREE FB group for parents; facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport
@writeousrhema Жыл бұрын
Excellent content
@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын
Much appreciated 😁
@raechelyndawn258011 ай бұрын
Ok…. I need to know what to do about all this. I know what living with an addict causes and I can’t be traumatized. I have a job… I cannot be around this.. have to be healthy mentally and emotionally. He’s smoking fentanyl/oxy’s and exposing me to the second hand smoke from it. Time for me to leave… this is beyond damaging to me. 😢
@ysabelwright77372 жыл бұрын
How do I find a counselor like you that deals with additive persons?? My husband abuses alcohol and it's like he can't even see it! I need help!!
@aprilyount7713 Жыл бұрын
Amazing! I found what I have going on…!!!!! Thank u so much. I need help w this
@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын
You are so welcome
@karenherrera287Ай бұрын
Reading fiction helps pull me out of my head.
@lfemme10752 жыл бұрын
Hey girl, I've watched a few of your helpful & informative vids so far. I just want to say that I find the analogies you use super helpful. I've watched other creators & I like your simple, straightforward way of explaining these concepts. Especially, when these situations make me sO discombobulated. (Maybe it's bcos we're both southern girls & speak similar languages, hehe.) Anyway, thanks.
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much, my southern friend! 😁
@alangreene78504 жыл бұрын
Thank you....keep up the great work
@PutTheShovelDown4 жыл бұрын
Hi Alan, thanks for watching and for leaving the kind feedback
@maidabracho30772 жыл бұрын
I lost my husband to his addiction almost 4 years ago. I am in a very loving & healthy relationship. But I am CONSTANTLY in fear of death of the people closest to me. It’s exhausting. If my mom doesnt answer her phone I panic. If my boyfriend doesnt let me know he made it work safe I panic. For awhile I just accepted it as who I am now but I am so tired of being scared all the time but I have no clue how to fix this..
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
This could possibly be an Obsessive Compulsive thought. (an intrusive unwanted thought that persists) Similar to, someone who has a compulsive thought that they forgot to turn the stove off or lock the door. Then the person has to go check it over and over again. Do you have a checking behavior associated with the thought? If so, you could look for a therapist who has a specialty in OCD thoughts/and or anxiety.
@maidabracho30772 жыл бұрын
@@PutTheShovelDown oh yeah. I will consistently reach out either via phone/snapchat/FB any way to get a response. Until I get confirmation the person is ok (because my head is screaming something is wrong the entire time) I become a total mess. Then once I get a call/text back I’m so physically exhausted I literally have to lay down & rest. I just started looking into finding a therapist but I wasn’t sure how/where to even start. I will look into therapists in the areas you mentioned. Your video really made me feel less alone. Thank you 💖
@specialk59942 жыл бұрын
6:40: "no wonder" he uses- how I judge myself Every. Day.
@adoramartinez9152 жыл бұрын
Yes….. I have been going through this for 18 years
@helenoferrall4878 Жыл бұрын
Can you address being raised by alcoholic parents? It ruined my life. I just realized I have PTSD and have become an alcoholic myself.
@traceyrhoads51664 жыл бұрын
This is exactly what I'm going through
@PutTheShovelDown4 жыл бұрын
Sorry you're in such a bad situation Tracey
@amberchapman69533 жыл бұрын
Me too x
@aaggie15733 жыл бұрын
Me too. And it's getting old.
@jessbutler315852 жыл бұрын
My family is falling apart...Can you seriously help us? Where are you located?
@angiepearce81403 жыл бұрын
Thank you 🙏
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
My pleasure!
@AshleyKayMelvin8 ай бұрын
I'm in EMDR therapy over this.
@tressaleaders4567 Жыл бұрын
Amber, does work addiction (workaholism) count as betrayal and cause trauma?
@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын
Good question. I had to think about that one a little bit. I'm not sure if I'd call it betrayal trauma because betrayal trauma involves finding out about big long-term lies. Like a long-term affair or long-term drug abuse, you didn't know about. But it can certainly ruin a relationship!
@reginafisher99193 жыл бұрын
Spot on !
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
Thanks Regina!
@crissieroserose2 жыл бұрын
omg tank you Amber
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
My pleasure, Crissie!
@jenniferking33164 жыл бұрын
I loved the video. It really gave good ideas on how to hey out of those really bad thoughts. PTSD and my daughters addiction brought me depression and shame also. Im about out if the depression. The shame is crushing even though in know its not my fault. Maybe I should have been noe available idk. It is not my fault but yet again somehow it is
@PutTheShovelDown4 жыл бұрын
Trust me... You can NOT make someone an addict. If that was possible, I'd be the biggest addict ever ( I came from the most addicted family ever!).. My partner at work (Campbell) has 2 son's that have struggled with addiction and those boys couldn't have had a more perfect childhood!
@anabelrios19687 ай бұрын
If you or anyone is suffering of addiction or hurt there is Celebrate Recovery groups. Bible based groups. I was born again after the 6 month attending, and of course all these therapies I find them a blessing
@lindadunn87874 жыл бұрын
Thank you.
@PutTheShovelDown4 жыл бұрын
Linda Dunn thanks you for watching, Linda!
@SelfLoveU3 жыл бұрын
Great work!!!
@PutTheShovelDown3 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much! I’m really glad you liked it.
@EllysaE8 ай бұрын
He’s drinking and hiding it. It makes me feel so so sad. I can’t do this any mor e
@tonyasbeautylooks6 ай бұрын
I'm so sorry. I know and feel your pain.
@yessicapeters91042 жыл бұрын
Currently going through no contact with the father of my children. I would love to be able to join the fb group but my attempt was declined.
@amberchapman69533 жыл бұрын
My cocaine addicted fiance left me after 3 years by text message 2 weeks ago...just saying "I can't drag you down with me anymore, my heads not in the right place" he then ignored all of my calls. I found out 3 days later he was arrested on a charge of theft from various companies he's worked at. £12,000 worth...he is facing prison. He was also dealing and running drugs for his landlord i think. I supported him many times to get clean but he never wanted it enough. I've just gone no contact as I'm starting to get stronger. He may end up in prison and I may never know. But the amount of times he lied, stole from me and deceived me and others, I think he deserves prison
@sheilagomez5482 жыл бұрын
I am a recovering addict and I put both of my children through hell and torment while I was drunk. Now my son is a hard core addict and the guilt I feel is overwhelming 😫 😪. He keeps asking for money to send him in prison. Today, actually 3 days ago I made up a reason that I couldn't send him any extra money. I've been putting 30 to 50 a week on his books and I'm tired. I also think he may be using ....he told me he spilled his coffee on a gang members headset and has to replace it...it's $60 I just sent him $30 plus the charge they take around $7 ...I got angry today and told him how I feel about him always asking me for my money He said he will probably have to fight the gang member or go in thr hole. I'm just so tired of it all.
@danielraypickrel43162 жыл бұрын
It is good listening to your videos some suggestions heard from someone previous. It is helpful to say ' they are assisting a more consistent life, Thankyouthankyou'. It is sweet to softly say "I know".
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
Very good!
@ColtraneAndRainАй бұрын
I just told my daughter she was a bad mom. Hours later I apologized. I feel like I'm insane!😢
@traceyrhoads51664 жыл бұрын
Thank you 😔
@PutTheShovelDown4 жыл бұрын
My pleasure!
@freshbeeef Жыл бұрын
My husband is still in active addiction. We are in counseling. He won't admit to the severity of his dependence on alcohol. He would regularly stay up all night drinking and talking on the phone with other women. "Just friends, nothing inappropriate, you're so paranoid, you're so controlling blah blah" Well it turns out one of these women has been sending nudes and asking him to get her pregnant. That's what he admitted to... He refuses to let me see his phone or contact this woman to see if it is still happening. It feels like he cherishes her privacy & his drinking/autonomy over being married to me. He has said such horrible things to me whenever he's drunk and picking fights. He wants me to just be content because he's physically living in the house and is more present with our kids than he used to be. Will i ever get over feeling unloved, unwanted, detested, hated by my husband? Its not like he making great efforts to show his remorse or affection. Not sure how long Im gonna put up with all the emotional turmoil.
@anekab52664 жыл бұрын
What if they are betraying you with another woman along with the drugs?
@PutTheShovelDown4 жыл бұрын
Aneka B hi Aneka, that’s absolutely not okay! Here’s a video I made on that topic.
@clairebearie873 жыл бұрын
?
@esthercastillo43403 жыл бұрын
@@PutTheShovelDown I’m there also
@scross843 жыл бұрын
Compulsively checking way too much. Very compulsive. Making failures due to my past.
@knHebrew3 жыл бұрын
Guy was cheating and chasing money while selling drugs. How are people supposed to stay with someone like that?
@s.elizabeth17534 жыл бұрын
Thankyou!!!!
@PutTheShovelDown4 жыл бұрын
You're welcome!
@rachelstuckey2652 жыл бұрын
Is there a bad time or better time to share this link or your channel with someone who is suffering from addiction?
@PutTheShovelDown2 жыл бұрын
Good question, Rachel! I suggest starting by sending a video you think they'll agree with (not a video that will confront them).
@rachelstuckey2652 жыл бұрын
I’m tired… he was fired today and I was glad to have watched your video on not focusing on his job. That being said do you still have an online program? I am lost as to next steps.