ADHD And Relationship Issues - 11 Ways to Fix Them

[@DrTraceyMarks]

WATCH NEXT - *HOW TO PUSH PAST TOUGH TASKS* kzbin.info/www/bejne/r5uZkGSqZrV0mac

[@stonervisiontv1388]

Thankyou

[@revphilipogichohi]

Healed a lot.

[@danielnieves3190]

Yes

[@test74088]

@DrTraceyMarks Thanks for creating clear, concise explanations and suggestions. Can you do a video specific to parent/child ADHD difficulties?

[@manuelblunt2994]

For a long time I just thought I was really stupid and unlikeable. I don't still have a bunch of but it was nice and also sucked to hear everything thing about myself finally explained. Of course the flip side of that is I'm not in any way. U r a complete stranger yet u just walked through my life and head. I don't feel crazy anymore and I am a lot less angry with myself and no long will be beating myself because of what I learned so thank u

[@ks-gn8xk]

I know you shouldn't threat your partner like a child, but I also recognise that being their personal secretary (you have gym class at this time, you'll need to leave at this time etc) and making reminder notes that they take out the trash can be frustrating

[@diepiriye]

Yes, it is frustrating AF and I came here looking for answers....like what's expected of the ADHD friend/partner. At least she gave good advice about watching folks' lips when they speak so as not to interrupt others (as usual).

[@NH4x4Jeep]

She says "don't parent", then advises you to carefully watch out for them, think through THEIR consequences, plan THEIR activities, remind them, coddle them, and don't feel hurt when they don't care about your feelings". I think the person with ADHD needs to LEARN TO BE RESPONSIBLE for THEMSELVES! MAKE an effort and SHOW ME YOU CARE AND THAT I MATTER, then I'll give you some grace while you're truly putting in the effort!

[@majesticbison_]

No one actually reminds their adhd partner about the gym or tasks they find important. It's smaller unimportant things that you'd usually want done to make your life easier. Ask people nicely and with out the tone of "cause you always forget" bullshit. And maybe you'll motivate them. Positive reinforcement .. also I bet the adhd partner doesn't give you shit if you forget something.. they problem solve and come up with a plan right away faster than you ever could cause your panicking. We know how it feels to forget stuff.. cause doinkheads have done it to us our whole lives. We need more POV from adhd.. not this adhd is the problem bullshit.. 3500 years ago, you'd want an adhd person leading your fucking tribe.

[@user-ly3li3ex8c]

@@NH4x4Jeep There's a huge difference between caring, how the adhd partner chooses to show they care, and your expectations on how a partner should show they care. People do need to communicate on each others expectations on showing each other care and in very specific ways, and without turning it into an attack on character.

[@jabbadeezhutz]

“Allow yourself time to find things like your keys.” That one got me in my soul lmao

[@leecrespi5162]

I'm a couples therapist with a subspecialty in ADHD and relationships. This is an excellent video (as are all of your videos). I find that this type of psycho education really helps couples to put things in perspective. I'm going to add it to my list of suggestions for my couples. Thanks so much.

[@samkcatladyaks]

I loved that she gave tips for both sides bc I’m watching this with my partner later so we can try these things out bc it would be so helpful! This was also so relatable and I appreciated her personal example so much bc that’s probably the 2nd biggest issue my partner and I argue over is my time blindness and lateness and agreeing to things when I’ve forgotten other plans.

[@esmeraldacortez9287]

Are you in LA!?

[@leecrespi5162]

@@esmeraldacortez9287 NYC

[@BajaGirl302]

Both my husband and myself have ADD, and I get my words so scrambled that he just changes the subject and we really don’t finish anything 🤪

[@serendipity2all]

Great video Dr Tracey! @leecrespi5162, pls can you rec any other videos for how to get my maybe-partner to consider several complex aspects of a key decision asap (the event is in a week but bad for me, so need to drop out now) & that his staff may not have his best interests at heart?

[@elizabethcampos7209]

My husband has ADHD n we've had so many problems. Wow. This video opened my eyes.. Thanks for helping me get a clearer perspective of my husband's mind💕

[@DrTraceyMarks]

You’re welcome! 😊

[@meghansullivan6812]

As someone w ADHD, I’m happy u looked into this!!

[@JessPotato-se5hf]

💞! too me , too Me

[@nativeb.9718]

Is he on any or willing to get medicine and therapy?

[@janewildly]

I have severe adhd, but I lol’d when she said “a moving mouth means they are not done talking”

[@drive-byguitarlessons1858]

LMAO

[@Sara10393]

Same lmao

[@scarlet824]

Lol!

[@rayge]

@@ninavandenabbeele9667 100%

[@oceanmistdream1]

Omg haha my husband has severe ADHD as well and we both had a good laugh at that. I was like, “ Wow, she really had to say that out loud. ADHD really is that serious.” lol

[@karlbull8357]

I believe my girlfriend has it. 90% of what’s been said here she does. It’s soooo hard. I love her so much and she’s had a tough upbringing so it’s really hard to get the balance right. She live praise but anything other than than that’s so goes into what I call, defend and deflect mode. Makes me feel rejected sometimes and she feels like I’m pushing. She literally lives on her phone and has now got apps to help plan things, I pray it works! Ironically when she really wants to do something she is so focused, but, the attention for it doesn’t last long, other than work, but she HAS to work. Really hard!

[@pegsullivan2299]

Agree ! Trust me I hear you

[@tashacope4663]

That type of focus you mentioned at the end is called hyperfocus. Sometimes as someone with ADHD, we can get really interested in something almost to the point of obsession, and it feels great because we feel zoned in, we feel in the moment and we are super motivated to do that task, whether that motivation lasts for 10 minutes or 10 hours. It depends on the day and the task. It’s really nice to feel this as someone with ADHD because it’s rare that we feel so motivated. For example, my room is pretty messy. I hardly ever keep it tidy, but then I’ll have a moment of inspiration where I feel so excited and motivated to tidy my room. I used to do it as a kid at about midnight because that’s when the inspiration hit, and so I’d be up for hours tidying, sorting through my stuff, dusting, and I would be so excited about it. It’s like I had butterflies in my stomach at the thought of tidying my room. But most days that thought fills me with dread. As people with ADHD, our problem isn’t always an inability to focus. It’s an inability to choose what to focus on. So sometimes it’s really misplaced, like in a conversation or at work where all you can do is look out the window, and sometimes it’s intensely pushed into one activity so from the outside it looks strange because people think “hang on, I thought you struggled to concentrate but you can sit and do art for hours without losing focus”, but the truth is that if art is an ADHD person’s passion, then they can sometimes get lost in that. A lot of people with the disorder find that happens when they play video games. I personally can sit and play some games for a whole day and not lose insterest because they’re so interesting and engaging, but ask me to read a two page document about work training and it’ll take me an hour just to read it cause I keep getting distracted or the information doesn’t go in so I have to read each sentence multiple times.

[@karlbull8357]

What you have said makes perfect sense and totally get it. In fact I have learned from it and it’s helped me in some areas. Unfortunately for my now ex she was also living in denial about her self ( I never found out yo what extent) turns out she was also a compulsive liar and borer line cheat. She totally broke me BUT I’m healed now and better for it. I hung around for 9 months after it all come out because I loved her and didn’t blame her. It’s seems that very same focus you talk about she also used to focus on the negatives in her life. At the end I just didn’t even know her. And I lost myself. I still love her and always will but I had no choice but to move on. I would of given my life for her. 🙏🏻❤️ But I forgive her, and as I say will alway love her. I hope she finds her peace x thank you 🙏🏻

[@user-th7lu2yf7n]

Yes this is very adhd

[@EmeboFavour]

@@karlbull8357 I was everything you said about your ex in my past relationship...I can't help myself until I discovered my issues...Now I am working on it

[@Kad54615]

I love the way you speak. Should do audio books, if you don't already. Thanks for your videos

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Ha Ha Kimberly Encinias! You've given me an idea for retirement. 🤗 Thanks for watching.

[@ATATChat]

Agreed

[@robadlers6668]

Agree.

[@winebox]

This woman must be so comforting and reassuring to her patients because I'm a hot mess of ADD and have family members and friends with a few of the other disorders that she talks about and I feel much better just listening to her. Imagine being treated by her?!

[@dreamceline2093]

Kimberly Encinias I agree

[@sarahmasia6947]

ADHD is not just about poor planning or a wandering mind but a constant battle in the brain between what it wants and what it should do. It hurts to break hyperfocus as it does to do repetitive tasks. We lack inner discipline bc our minds wants to wander and we can't FEEL the long term benefits . We start avoiding the pain of the now bc there is no long term pay off, which worsens it. Routines are a kind of exposure therapy that are facilitated by meds. Best way to motivate your partner is by doing things together and giving them structure. Structure creates exposure to useful routines that are painful at first but become less painful when they are automated (which takes longer in ADHD). Positive rewards of completion help us feel the long term reward. It's useful when a partner paint a positive image of this reward.

[@2dogsmowing]

Well said. It's a good analogy for what my brain feels like.

[@DSesignD]

Oh my god thank you. Married 8 years and trying to understand why things aren't going well and I've just unlocked this Pandora's Box that is ADHD. For those in marriages that are expecting children: it makes the ADHD symptoms much, much worse.

[@johnloss5844]

My wife and I were together for 38 years before she was diagnosed. Prior to this I just thought she was peculiar. Now it has a new name and her behaviour is explainable - but still challenging.

[@stephaniecutts5117]

May I suggest that you also seek help for yourself...Understanding will help you and the relationship..Good Luck..

[@SirenASMR_]

Yup I was 3 months in and left . He almost killed me in the car

[@sarahrobertson634]

@@SirenASMR_ Run from these weirdos.

[@beetooex]

My wife forced a baby on us. The only way I can survive is to be entirely passive and just follow orders. Any hope of getting my career back (my fault it failed) and even fun hobbies are gone. I can only focus on one thing and that has to be baby now. It's my fault- I agreed to kids decades ago and by the time I had my breakdown and it was obvious I'd struggle it was now or never biologically for her. I was in no state to divorce and it would have destroyed her if I'd denied her so here we are. I wish we'd never met. I REALLY wish someone had diagnosed me in my youth...

[@sandramclean7647]

It’s only recently that I figured out I have to factor in prep time to be punctual! Now I even include time to dance around as I get ready because I realized it was causing my actual prep to take longer than I thought it did. 😄

[@JessPotato-se5hf]

💞THIS SO HARD 💞

[@OingoLove]

My goal is to be early to something. I have not done it yet, but I will soon.

[@jasonmullin3522]

I'm hyper aware of prep time, almost to far now. I get on edgy if people around me are being to lax. Also pushed me into having issues with jobs saying thing "will only take x amount of time" when everyone can see that it takes way more. Living with it so long, I see things that are standard for ADHD if pushed to far in opposite directions, which can be just as harmful.

[@neilgreene]

ON a scale of 1-10, my patience and understanding level is a 50. And even with that, and all attempts to assist, to use technology to assist, and to try to survive, my marriage was still eventually lost to my wife's ADHD. It wasn't just the imposing examples such as those you provided in this video as issues that can be common. Instead, it was her character assassination of me that was more of a constant for anything in our relationship. I simply could not defend or enjoy life from the constant daily attacks and stress. I now see similar and equal ADD/ADHD issues in our 18-year-old daughter with forgetfulness and things that are not simple maturity and mistakes. They can be just as chronic as her mother - situations where I remind her of something, and her respondse is 100% with no memory no recollection of the discussion or topic. She is still high functioning and in college - but I see the trend getting worse as she matures as her life begins to have more and more responsibilities. So, I am discussing with her to start seeing a professional, to get the needed guidance and understanding. And I am rebalancing my thinking - that even as aware as I am - I need to remind myself that some things she simply can not do. It's not that she does not WANT to do. She will succeed and find her balance and we will focus on those things that are working well.

[@Blondbabyangel]

The tips for the partner made me cry, It just what I have been trying to tell him. Maybe this can help saving our marriage. Thank you ❤

[@elsandstorm8997]

Isn't it frustrating when our own words aren't enough to trust? And that if a professional repeat the same things, that's suddenly when they believe us?

[@caykeface]

@@elsandstorm8997 it really does suck but sometimes people aren’t ready mentally to REALLY understand it or by someone saying it differently, it clicks.

[@krystinmetz5944]

You can do this. Love is worth fighting for. So are you❤️

[@xplodegg]

@@elsandstorm8997 they do trust it's just that these things are the hardest things for people with ADHD just like their natural talents can be hard for others. I can do things that are easy and simple to me that others think are very difficult and complex, but I've always been bad at routines and time etc but I'm working on it

[@niezyje8922]

i wish you luck, everyone with adhd deserves a chance

[@jackiemasek8302]

The taking out the garbage scenario is so my marriage. I finally learned to say to my husband, “What time were you planning to take out the garbage Sunday night? I’ll have everything ready when you are.” Ours gets picked up on Monday morning. That tells him he needs to consider this. That has saved us from so many arguments.

[@timothyhillii4053]

Why do I feel like I don’t belong on earth always looking at the stars nothing I do is good enough even when I try my hardest the most painful thing to see is people around you losing faith in you

[@Jgrande113]

Timothy, i use to think this exact same way. But if i may say, since my earliest thought.. i have been looking up at the sky, stars, and wondered why i felt so different from everyone around me. Friends, family, every SINGLE person was different than me, or at least thought differently. And I was not the worst in school, but i could never pass a test even if it depended on my life. I never understood this. I would literally recite word for word what the answer was, but when i went to choose an answer, (even after coming to the right conclusion that this was the right answer 100%) i would start to “hear” thoughts, or if i can say thoughts, in someone elses tone? I have a hard time explaining this, but i hope you understand what I’m trying to relay. the same “voice” that allowed me to process the correct answer, was also now a different thought in the same tone as the correct answer. Now the actual “correct answer” starts to fall low in the background, and the new “answer” now has the same level of tone as the original did. And In conclusion, i start to doubt everything that is correct and i replace it with a new incorrect infiltrating thought. At the time, i had no idea what was actually going on. But i kept going. The reason I share this example with you is because i want you to stop thinking that your hardest is not good enough. When in reality, someone without ADHD would consider an “impossible” task or goal, as exactly that. Impossible. And the individual with adhd, will spend the next three days there with their notebook of 9000 ideas, because just maybe one of the ideas can cause a certain trigger in electrical impulses that allows them to get out of the same “thinking” box as the population and then creates new solutions that can be implemented and studied on future projects. When someone with ADHD comes to fully understand and accepts what a non ADHD person calls a disorder... it starts to evolve internally, sometimes even its host is unaware, and it grows into a super human trait that once mastered, can be used for Good or Evil. And to anyone reading this, if you think I’m speaking out my ass, then you my friend have not known and are unaware of how powerful / determined the ADHD human brain can become. Not at all down playing non adhd host, but i can only speak from my experience of living with ADHD. Tim, in your journey through this weird ass life, you will for ever meet someone that you will disappoint. This is 100% fact. Not sure what happened to me in order to flip my self esteem at such an early age, but again just as i used to look at the stars and wonder why i was different, somehow i was unknowingly building up who i was internally, and all because i said in my own head that i would forever stay true, and never kiss anyone’s ass. You my friend have been looking at your situation as “the grass is greener on the other side.” And have been missing the view window into a new world of intuitive imagination That can create change to this world, change to your world, and a stress free life. Stop being your enemy, and start working together with your ADHD to conquer the ones that try to put us down for being who we are. Get back at them, by running laps around them in a conversation where they hold no merit compared to all the years you’ve gained experience from and translated to functional & accessible information to be later used in our benefit when said situation/s arise. So I’ll leave you with this: If you leave your house “prepared” for anything, you will never be caught off guard by anything. - SVMRIII

[@rachel.shakira]

You know, i just got in a relationship with this AMAZING guy. I really do love him, i remind myself of this everyday when i think about him and in moments where im frustrated with him. I started to notice me bringing up feeling like im taking care of a child due to how much i do for him like cleaning, organizing, cooking. I also felt he poured more time into other things than quality time with me. I begin to ask him more about his childhood last night and he revealed that he had adhd & add. When i tell you, that gave me so much relief once i began to read that what i was feeling wasnt just me tripping. I have a huge heart for those with disorders and disabilities and learning that this is something my boyfriend struggles with really prompts me to give more grace and understand and to also try new methods. I thank you for this video! It really helped bring perspective.

[@mariahpokedawg7124]

I really learned a lot from this. But, I was really hoping you'd address the "tidyness issue" in depth. That's our main issue..

[@cbeyre]

Can you afford a house cleaner or have a weekly party? I have adhd and the idea of a cleaner or guests is enough motivation to get me over the threshold and into tidy/clean mode. I like a clean house i just have an issue making it a priority, but the fear of embarrassment of friends or house cleaner seeing my house a mess provides motivation. The house cleaner also relieves some if the load from both me and my partner. Also, I generally like to help and if my partner starts doing something I often jump in. So maybe make cleaning a together thing with some music and make it fun?

[@cbeyre]

My husband was initially offended because he felt that I was willing to do things for the benefit of others but his desire for a clean and organized house didn't matter. I do my best to explain that I don't lack the motivation as a means to offend or that I think friends are more important to him. It's just in everyday life where there are 25 tasks to complete in the day I struggle to priotize and organize each one. Usually I put work first, meals and that uses up most of my badwith. The party oe cleaner adds differentiation to the day and a deadline to meet. ( learn about the now/not now way our minds tend to work).

[@imbaby3171]

i felt like this video was really needed. im the partner without ADHD and it's difficult to work things out with my boyfriend bc his ADHD can be really difficult to deal with. thank you for this

[@DrTraceyMarks]

You’re welcome. 😊

[@MaryRenaud]

Some of these tips are really helpful. Others of them sort of put a lot of burden on the other partner, though. For instance, the gym vs party example requires that the non-ADHD partner be aware of their ADHD partner's schedule, keep it in mind, and nudge the ADHD partner to think about the conflict in their schedule. That's a lot of additional mental work if you have your own schedule to manage and/or aren't particularly organized yourself. It also feels to me as though it violates trying to avoid the parent-child dynamic. It still seems like you're parenting; you're just parenting *differently.* You're not making the decisions for them or telling them where to be, but you're still managing both your schedule and theirs while guiding/coaching them through the time management process as you would a teenager you're trying to teach time management skills to but who's choices and behaviours you're still responsible for. That coaching and responsibility to know their schedule is sort of just the parenting dynamic re-entering through the back door. Of *course* it's reasonable to spend some additional effort if your partner has a mental health issue and you want to support them, but it strikes me some of this is too close to the same old parentified partner dynamic. Compare something still helpful but less parentified like, "If we tell them we'll be there, following through on that is really important to me. Would you mind putting it into and checking your calendar now, while we're thinking about it, to make sure you don't have anything conflicting at that time?" which feels like a subtle but important shift in the responsibility burden this advice asks the partner to take on. It's no longer your job to remember their schedule, remind them of their previous commitments, etc. You're in the position of making a request as an equal ("This is important to me, would you do me the favour of making sure nothing conflicts with it?") rather than just concealing the parent-child dynamic and those "I'm still responsible for remembering and figuring this out for you" dynamic. (Sorry for the long example. I just wanted to make sure I was being clear about what seems like a subtle but important difference.)

[@katarzynakomperda4583]

Great point, I also got overwhelmed with this example and in my personal case got to the point where this strategy simply wouldn't work anymore as I got burned out with the relationship and with the feeling that I am instantly parenting.

[@lv9265]

ADHD is a disability. It is not temporary. It's forever. If you dated someone in a wheelchair and had to help them live and function because they can't be independent, would that be called parenting?

[@MaryRenaud]

@@lv9265 I probably wasn’t clear enough with how I said it but what I was trying to get at with my comment is that I think there are ways of helping/supporting that create more of a parent-child dynamic than others. (I suspect that’s true of many other circumstances too.) That’s what I was trying to get at with the two examples. In both, you’ll be exerting more effort in order to provide support, but in one, the person with ADHD retains more agency and responsibility, even if they need a little extra help exercising it (via the reminder to put it in their calendar and check for conflicts, rather than managing their calendar for them). (PS - I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult about ten years ago.)

[@lv9265]

@@MaryRenaud oh ok. Maybe I misunderstood.

[@MaryRenaud]

@@lv9265 No worries at all. I probably wasn’t all that clear.

[@morgan97475]

This video would've been helpful prior to my divorce. You described my ADHD ex-wife and my reactions to it.

[@n0ts0B9]

How sad. Misunderstandings can wreak havock. Sorry you guys didn't get the tools you needed to make it work.

[@sockpuppet2415]

Disorders are very expensive. They cause so much loss. And the losses continue.

[@mrumbaut22]

This is extremely insightful. Being in a relationship where my partner and I both suffer from ADD/ ADHD (one of us medicated and the other is not), it is a reminder of how difficult life can be for both of us, and that we need to show each other extra compassion and patience. Thank you so much for this.

[@simplelifeforyou5086]

I was about to divorce my husband untill I saw your video on this topic. I was thinking my husband just didn't want to remember or he just didn't care. Reason being he forgets everything and has issues with time and completing task. It has irritated me to the point that I wanted to leave him. He is a good provider and a wonderful man, and not at all violent or disrespectful. He just simply forgets everything I'm making him an Appointment Asap .

[@Silkiroth]

I hope it goes well for you both

[@SatinWorshipp]

These are great tips. I'm just so frustrated because my husband refuses to do anything at all to get help for his ADD. We've been to marriage counseling, and he wont' do anything that the therapist suggests. I spend a lot of my time cleaning up after him, paying bills, and doing all of the "grownup stuff" that keeps our lives going. I'm so frustrated.

[@kaysimperfectgarden.4043]

I've been with my husband for 42 years and always think it was the biggest mistake of my life marrying him. (Oh my word, that sounds so awful). He has lots of issues and inability to show emotion or empathise are amongst them but he has a definite 9 out of your list of ten, (not the anger.. which is nice), so it looks like ADHD is there too. I really appreciate your tips, I'm going to get him to watch this.

[@treefrog0826]

When you grow up having ADHD you can expect a lonely existence.

[@jasonbecker4974]

It's pretty challenging holding down a meaningful relationship for sure.

[@rojdancam1676]

😬😬😬

[@katc7332]

I found it’s more about quality of relationships. Those close are few, yet are genuine. That’s so much better & less work. Better overall. There’s hope.🌼

[@rojdancam1676]

@@katc7332 you say that like it’s easy to do

[@katc7332]

It’s not easy. Life isn’t easy. Yet, over the years, I’ve found there are people who truly care and are willing to put in the work to keep a relationship. There are those who understand. We look past each other’s quirks. We’re encouraging and find ways to be supportive. Relationships go both ways. It’s about finding middle ground and keeping realistic expectations. It can be frustrating at times. No has a perfect life. We’ve had to choose to focus on the the positives and learn from the past. Moving forward is what we’ve tried to do. We’ve been married 30 years. We still have fun together. We have friends that see us as we are and appreciate the friendships. It has taken time and understanding to grow to develop relationships with others. It can be a sensitive area for some, I understand. There’s been a lot of hurt as well. It’s difficult when there’s so much pain in our past. We’ve been there. We try to learn from it and move forward. Progress matters no matter how small. Taking little steps will get us where we need to be. It’s just a little different than someone else-that’s all. Hugs and prayers 🥰

[@Fenris30]

I've purposefully avoided relationships because of my ADHD although I didn't know what it was at the time because I always felt that I would screw something up and unintentionally hurt the person I wanted to be with which would in turn hurt me as well. It sucks.

[@soulcraft75]

man I totally get you..

[@kjetilegeland6008]

Yeah, it is tempting to give up after some hurtful relationships...it sucks big time:(

[@JamesThomas-pv5en]

Don’t beat yourself up I’m the same been in so many failed and toxic relationships that now I’m finished with them. They are just too hard for me I’m much happier on my own

[@HKVDay]

You need so much patience to live with someone with ADD, unfortunately I think I’m about done.

[@callendarl]

After 30 year and the children gone I am done.

[@jennydow3169]

As a person with add, the examples of what not to say, and what to say instead is really helpful to share with my significant other. It also help to make me feel less hopeless in myself and how my add jacks up my functioning. Knowing you’re not functioning as well as others, despite trying hard and wanting to try hard but getting off track is the worst. It’s like “Guilt” and “Regret” had a baby and baptized it in “hopelessness”.

[@humbleAndkind.]

Sooooo ON point. I am 47 and just here recently am being diagnosed with anxiety along with ADD… not on medication (yet) but I cannot wait to start the journey to the new and improved ME. I want to be easy to love, easy to be around and not offend so easily.

[@PattymacMakes]

You know Dr. Marks, that tip on watching someone's mouth and waiting for it to close completely is a great tip for all of us! I loved how you worked in the real life scenarios with your husband in this video. I had a LOL moment with them! Let's just say I can relate. :)

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Thx Patty. I liked using my hubby and he didn't even need to act lol! I've had to learn a lot of patience over the years.

[@anahicalvo2653]

Does someone know wether her husband has ADD?

[@jgrant4736]

M k

[@lucakat9262]

Pattymac Makes. I suffer from this too. I have a friend that I used to live with and everytime I interrupted her she said I was being rude. But in truth, I was afraid I would forget my point. So I would always blurt it out. Now I know why I'm like that.

[@maylazo3734]

It’s been a rollercoaster of a ride being married to the father of my children with ADHD. Your video has helped me learn how to talk to him. My children are adults and thank God none of them inherited this trait. I brought his diagnosis up with one of my children which helped tremendously. My husband denies it of course but we all know the truth. Since his retirement, it has been very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship. I have my own issues too. We are getting older and sometimes I want to leave and not come back. I myself worked teaching children with Learning disabilities and coming home to deal with a difficult husband hasn’t been pleasant. The struggle is depressing at times. I do take time off from him lately, since I don’t have the courage to divorce.😊

[@graigjr9052]

you left him already

[@rick881]

As a person with ADHD I learned to actively listen. I am pretty good at it. It involves mirroring my partners statements. Then empathizing and validating what they have said. I can do it with effort. The problem is that I lose myself in doing that listening. It takes all my mind to do it. I have no room to write down my side of the thoughts. I forget them. Then feel cheated. Finally, when I try to state my truth we invariably fight because I hear what she mirrors back and it is not what I meant to say. I do not know if I said it wrong, or the thought has changed after hearing it. It is a general nightmare. I am newly diagnosed and discovering just how hideous my short term memory is. Also many of the executive function issues that come with ADHD seem to be it issue in our relationship. She has her own issues, but I am understanding now I had more issues than I thought. We might be making progress. but only time will tell.

[@lisahuband583]

Thanks. My husband has severe ADHD and a learning disability so this puts some things in prospective I didn’t realize.

[@nelsenr]

Thank you Dr. Marks! I am in a relationship with someone with ADHD and just hearing each of the frustrating scenarios walked through by someone else was unbelievably helpful. You gave a perfect play-by-play of how those "party scenarios" works out every single day

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Thanks Rylee. It’s good to know you’re not alone with these things. Thanks for watching 😊

[@luisroman6745]

I am so grateful for this channel. ADHD is so hard when you try so hard on the inside, but the outside makes you look like a liar... it makes you want to give up... thank you, Tracy... for laying the groundwork for understanding.

[@kellyf.653]

I don't know why I'm crying so much listening to this. My husband had ADHD and it's hard. Especially since we had kids. It's so hard it feels impossible to get through one interaction with him. One small normal thing a couple guess through takes us hours and most likely never gets done. And when we do get through a conversation he doesn't even remember having it an hour later. It's impossible.

[@Psalm_27.4]

@Kelly F you need professional help. It’s available. Even if you have state based medical care. Behaviorial health (new term for mental health) is a big emphasis now in health care. Be sure to specifically ask for help with husband who has serious ADD/ADHD. Also, to keep perspective, remind yourself why you were drawn to your husband in the first place. This MAY help during the worst times.

[@Jeremy-4037]

Thank you for the "mouth moving" tip. As simple as it may sound, It's a real challenge to let someone finish speaking.

[@808sandheartbreak2]

Just got out of a long term relationship and I seriously think he has ADHD and knows it but didn't tell me OR has no idea. Either way, this was spot on and I'm fighting back tears! Just crazy. It's a seriously frustrating time for both parties.

[@SirenASMR_]

Same thing happened to me with a guy . I figured it out fast 2 months . I am gone now . I can’t deal with it because he knows and lied to me

[@808sandheartbreak2]

@@SirenASMR_ yea we ended up doing therapy and found out it is the case and he assumed he had it but never got diagnosed until then and still didn't tell me immediately. Unlike me, who told him all of mine 😭

[@RobespierreThePoof]

People with diagnosed ADHD aren't generally very good about keeping it a secret. We're impulsive, remember? It's also very common for people with AdHD to be very bad at "self-assrssment" - that is, recognizing your own symptoms clearly. If your suspicions were accurate, it's unlikely that he knew. But a diagnosis is not something that can be easily done. Various other possibilities would have to be ruled out, including situational circumstances that are not mental disorders. They again, we aren't all alike. Maybe se ADHDers out there really are able to keep their own secrets. Who knows

[@Lysssaamaarie]

I cried when you started listing off things. i try so hard to get hings right and i cant seem to fix my issues. i truly feel like i have ADHD and with every video of yours i watch it makes more and more sense that i might need to be evaluated. your videos are very helpful and i havent been diagnosed...

[@sazonada]

Im the one with ADD but I'm also a woman and frustrated with how often women are in the position to play a parental role to their husbands. It's such a great suggestion to point out the gym class, but it's so much emotional labor put on the partner without ADD. Maybe I have such strong feelings about this because as a person with ADD it's really hard for me to manage the smallest things, so I resent having to carry those small things for someone else.

[@ccruz820]

Stuck at home with with COVID in my tiny condo and my live-in bf who had ADHD and going crazy! I think everything you mentioned in your video I just went thru in about a week staying home while recovering! Omg was this is an eye opener and I truly feel so horrible that I do speak to him that way and especially right now have no patience for him and prayed for some guidance and BAM there you are!! I really needed to be shaken up! I need to be thankful and try to get this to work and find some way to manage our relationship! Thank you for being so down to earth, very well spoken and sharing your great knowledge! I’m subscribing NOW!!! 😊

[@ocarmona777]

Point #1 for Non-ADHD makes me feel like the parent already

[@tribecalledmaya]

!!!!

[@corrosion5052]

This is a breakthrough for me. I've always thought my husband is lazy, doesnt care about stuff, is selfish and preoccupied with himself. At the same time he is so loving and fantastic person - how can he be all that bad stuff at the same time. When his sister was diagnosed with ADHD, we thought maybe it was it. 1000% yes. Unfortunately, he does not tolerate the drugs, but he's in therapy and I learn to understand how his mind functions (though sometimes he is like alien to me). Your video showed all our classic fights and arguments with all my classic sayings. I adapted some of the mentioned solutions after working them out with him, some are new to me. I am so happy there are methods to use. We are completely opposite people, I am a physician, I have an organised and analytical brain, I remember everything. He's an artist with ADHD with ideas so beautiful and creative but all the problems... Thank you so much. My husband's therapist recommended your videos and he sends me some that he found the most useful.

[@deliobaoduzzi6450]

I'm a woman from italy ,if i May ask , since you have an analytical brain , what made you ignore the red flags at the beginning of the relationship? I'm sure there were many , what did you think back than ? I'm sixty and I'm not at all analytical so after all these years i figured out what happened in my specific case but I thought i deserved it for not being analytical , that 's why your answer really hit hard .

[@mikewasinger9029]

Dr. Tracey.... thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! Wow... Your videos and what I have learned about OCD and ADD are positively affecting me and my family's lives. You are a blessing to me. Thank you for the hard work you put into studying and becoming very very good at what you do! You have a gift. Thank you for using it!

[@rnopes21]

The only difficult time I have with these pieces of advice is that it puts a lot of responsibility on the non ADHD person. It's tough to feel equally yoked in that situation.

[@spadarklysparkles1042]

@Robyn Kunz Yes, it is difficult to be in a partnership with someone with a disability or serious health condition. No, it won't be equal. And not everyone is cut out for it. If you had a partner who became quadriplegic, it would never be equal. Would you be willing and able to do all the housework? Run all the errands? Or pay for a home nurse and housekeeper? Would you leave your partner if you weren't mentally or financially able to cope with their disability? ADHD is a disability. Medications can help with some aspects, but they can't be taken 24/7 and they are not a cure. They are like a wheelchair that makes it slightly easier to function when you are able to use them. Now if your partner is giving up and not willing to try to use aids at their disposal, that's a problem. But if they are doing all they can and using every tool they can to cope but still struggling, it's not by choice that things are unequal. So accepting a partner with ADHD means yes, you may have to take on a caretaker role just like you would be with a quadriplegic partner. You have to have the compassion, patience, time, energy, skills, and willingness to take on that role if needed. If you can't, that's understandable. Not everyone is cut out for that caretaker role. You just have be honest with yourself and your partner, and never get involved with someone with any physical or mental health issues.

[@jadeauburn9220]

Thanks! My husband was recently diagnosed and it makes so much sense! I already have accommodated his forgetfulness and difficulty understanding for years, but now it's so much easier because I know how his brain works. These tips were excellent! One tip I'd like to share concerns grocery shopping(but can use for anything), which can be difficult especially in a large store. If my husband has to go alone, I make him the a list for his phone of what we need in the order by which they are encountered in the store. I use pictures of the products (so that it's easier to find that specific brand of yoghurt in the sea of jars), and after the picture,a clear number for how many of any product is needed. This has helped my husband immensely and it has made grocery shopping that much less anxiety provoking.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

I'm laughing my head off because I've had to do that too! Even the pictures! I haven't put them in order by aisles though. You've gone the extra mile with that.🙂

[@jadeauburn9220]

@@DrTraceyMarks that is so funny! well we both found a way that works :D

[@zele7819]

Your husband is lucky to have you, while my boyfriend will leave me when he found that if I have ADHD.

[@hayleyb467]

@@zele7819 that's so sad. You are worthy of a respectful partner. Wishing you peace and happiness ♡

[@sandravathana6026]

Omg yes Ive been trying that. Its so much better than grocery shopping together coming home depressed. But emotionallt Im still drained and totally out of ideas of how to make them focus or organised on basic things. Its been years.

[@deloredan]

Wow,the best channel on mental healtWhat a brilliant woman.everything is so well explained with a splendid narration. Dr Marks is definitely outstanding.

[@lucakat9262]

So true! She has helped me understand a lot about my problems.

[@d-man_1]

I love this video. I was diagnosed earlier this year at the age of 53. I will not get into all the pain, rejection, bullying, judgment etc. through out the years. As a result my self esteem was pretty much nonexistent. Suicidal thoughts everyday since late teenage years. I’ve known that something was different in me and with me. This diagnosis has been so freeing for me but yet has made me feel alone. I now know and understand I have my responsibilities in situations better because of meds and DBT skills Classes I’ve taken. I know acceptance IS KEY. What’s missing is understanding from other parties ( specifically my wife, parents and mother-in-law ). I’ve created a lot of damage over the years and I am 100% sorry. I have improved enormously but am not perfect. I mess up like in this video from time to time still. But, I feel so alone when the other parties will not help in the understanding part. I have to produce results and in the case of my mother-in-law she’s got a scoreboard. I’m told I talk about adhd too much. I’m obsessing. I’m not gonna say I haven’t tried to show videos that identify specific bones of contention to explain what’s in my head because I’ve tried to do that. I cannot explain these things well and video can explain in a way that I cannot. My question is ( if you’re reading this and answer questions ) how can I effectively get what I very much desire...... “understanding “. And by “understanding “ it doesn’t mean I’m NOT responsible. Sometimes a little push along the way from a loved one goes a long way. I’m 100% committed to doing what I need to do in life!

[@mariagarcia2690]

I think to seek for understanding can also be part of the ADHD. My partner is always asking for understanding as well and I saw many comments here of people looking for the same in their environments.

[@suzyswartz9094]

I totally get it. I’m 62 and was diagnosed ADD in my 40’s. I have done so much research on the subject bc both my kids were diagnosed at early ages in their childhood, and I was a school nurse for 12 years, where I administered adhd meds to elementary age children, so I know a lot on the matter, but I wish my partner of 10 years did😐. He is a man of little patience and seems to have even less with me and often times gets down right hateful 😓. It has caused so many problems between us. He thinks I just lack motivation and doesn’t understand why, and doesn’t even consider the fact that I do things differently due to this ailment I’m cursed with. It leaves me feeling sad and alone. I think and he’s fairly certain that he has bipolar disorder, so that doesn’t help matters, but I’ve been more than understanding with his behavior and have researched material to better understand how to cope with having a partner with this illness. It’s all so hard sometimes.

[@suzyswartz9094]

I totally get it. I’m 62 and was diagnosed ADD in my 40’s. I have done so much research on the subject bc both my kids were diagnosed at early ages in their childhood, and I was a school nurse for 12 years, where I administered adhd meds to elementary age children, so I know a lot on the matter, but I wish my partner of 10 years did😐. He is a man of little patience and seems to have even less with me and often times gets down right hateful 😓. It has caused so many problems between us. He thinks I just lack motivation and doesn’t understand why, and doesn’t even consider the fact that I do things differently due to this ailment I’m cursed with. It leaves me feeling sad and alone. I think and he’s fairly certain that he has bipolar disorder, so that doesn’t help matters, but I’ve been more than understanding with his behavior and have researched material to better understand how to cope with having a partner with this illness. It’s all so hard sometimes.

[@kyhughes00]

Honestly, we deserve to be understood, but it's fruitless and heartbreaking for us to try to get someone to understand when they just don't want to or can't.

[@d-man_1]

@Ky Hughes ..... 100% heart breaking!

[@henrylarson]

Haha, I ALWAYS underestimate my commute. It is relatively short, but I use some similar tactics to get me out of the door on time. When I leave for school or work my parents aren't home, so time management meant can be hard for me.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

So the parents help keep you on track eh? Good for them lol!

[@shellyj9809]

Lol....dont feel bad so do I

[@edennichole4041]

Your videos have been soooooo helpful with understanding my mental disdisorders. However regarding the ADHD series, I would love a video similar to this one but a parent and child relationship. I have ADHD and so does my step son. You'd think it would make me more understanding to his behavior but it really gets frustrating.

[@Mastermint]

I have it, and I'm very, very sure my mother has it too. You're right, the inside knowlege doesn't help much. Her cutting me and wandering off while I'm talking is very frustrating. She can't sit down for a whole conversation, she's hopeless with bills, she has no idea how much she earns and how much she spends... But I'll say, my old lady can tidy up a house. I sure can't.

[@lesliearocho3458]

The way you speak about all of your topics shows how educated you are. You have a professionalism that is astounding to me and yet you present them in real life scenarios. I have literally watched almost every video you upload. I am deeply interested in all the mental instabilities that humans can have and love to stay educated. Me and my fiance are both ADD/ADHD and we also struggle with depression and anxiety for which we are medicated. I have 3 children from a previous relationship; And schizophrenia, bipolar, depression and anxiety disorders also run in their biological fathers family. I don't think my kids have ANY issues at this point but it is nice to know about these disorders so that I can do my part as a mother to help identify key factors in them. Thank you for your dedication and research!!! You da bomb!💗

[@kenthil]

I have pretty bad ADHD, and suffer from the symptoms pretty severely even though I'm in my mid 40s. My wife has, for the longest time, just thought it was "a crutch", and has had difficulty accepting it as a real thing. What you went over in this video is exactly what happens in my household, often daily. It's been rough these past several years; I honestly don't think we're going to be together by this time next year, at this rate, despite doing marriage counseling. I'm also in individual counseling, and its taking time to work through everything. Is there anything that could be suggested that could help repair damage that has been done by my illness, and her not realizing it's a genuine thing? I will say this; if this marriage fails, I"m never getting married again. It's not worth the stress, anger, frustration or feelings of inadequacy.

[@altpotus6913]

That's what I said. It takes me and my partner several years to get used to each other. I'm on my second marriage. I don't think I would do it again.

[@prodbydramatic]

I'm dealing with it now. recently found out that I suffer from this pretty bad. And she thinks I'm just using it as a excuse. and we get into arguments that I need to get my shit together and then it doesn't help with her son listening in on us and taking her side. which i would also but also if I saw or heard my mom upset but crossing the line of respect is unbelievable as if he thinks I'm going to return that same energy. I myself will not be in another relationship after this. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense I'm just currently going thru it :(

[@kenthil]

@@prodbydramatic No I get it. The worst arguments are about the shit that you know was important, but the moment your tunnel focus shifted, it was gone. And it's shit that's been brought up over and over again, but still... *poof* out the door it goes, never to be seen again, until the next time it happens. It almost feels like I need to be taking near constant notes, or recording every conversation and playing them back over and over again.

[@roberttruman8444]

Has your situation improved? I only discovered my ADHD a couple of years ago after turning 40 and suffering a nervous breakdown that was triggered by an unhealthy anxious/avoidant relationship. It's tragic when a partner or spouse cannot or will not accept the existence of conditions like ADHD as this causes them to magnify the effect our behaviour has on them. For me I was actually doing pretty well when the relationship started. I didn't know about the ADHD at the time, but nevertheless I was largely on top of it at the time having made personal efforts and learnt philosophies that served me well and accommodated for some of the ADHD. I also had a couple of close people in my life at the time whose organisation and accountability naturally kept me better on track without me knowing, my job forced certain routines too, and finally the circumstances at the time. They all contributed, but also mostly ended around the time I got with my partner who herself suffers from avoidant attachment and had a tendency to accept negative forces and events and move on, rather than confront and seek resolution. Unfortunately this meant that I triggered her into regularly withdrawing whilst maintaining that everything was "fine" even though I could sense that they weren't. This created doubt, which enabled past childhood traumas to resurface and trigger my forgotten abandonment anxiety, this made the ADHD symptoms worse, undermined my confidence, caused more conflict in my life, which triggered rejection sensitivity dysmorphia, then I quickly developed increased anger and resentment and became more argumentative and less attentive etc etc you see where I'm going. It doesn't take much to get you spiralling. Sadly my partner doesn't take the time to really learn what ADHD is. She said she accepted me how I was, but since she's avoidant she doesn't feel comfortable talking about anything emotional and depth. So her capacity for understanding this complex condition is vastly reduced, and I'm now having to consider whether this just counts as us being incompatible. As tough as it is for you and your wife, perhaps it's better to avoid internalising and looking for personal fault and just write it off as problems with compatibility? Perhaps this is exactly what you've done, but I'd be interested to know how you've been able to accept (or not) the situation you're in. It's very disheartening what you're going through, and even with the best couples therapy it's very hard to change one's feelings for a partner. It's nature at its cruelest when undiagnosed conditions allow for people to make up their mind about someone in ways that deteriorate attraction, because it doesn't matter what evidence appears or diagnosis made in the future. You can't undo the effects of the past to fix a relationship, the only possibility comes from creating new positive impressions which are so significant that they outweigh all the remembered negatives. I really hope you are able to revive your marriage, or if not that it is able to help steer you in the direction of a better suited partner who you'd feel ultimately happier with, and satisfied that everything happened for a reason.

[@roundhouserenovations3072]

I was in your shoes about 5 years ago and you're right once you get divorced you need to understand that it is toxic to most normal people to deal with ADHD people you have to remember that you need to be allowing yourself to be around other people in small doses you shouldn't alienate yourself but marriages impossible with ADHD The physical damage that we sustain trying to succeed is just unbearable I'm far happier today single I got a dog made life great so divorce is not all is cracked up to be sometimes it's a good thing

[@fatimareyeshernandez9314]

My partner recently was diagnosed wih ADHD, and he has a slight hypothesis that I also have It, but maybe not that strong, or that it's stronger in other areas. But you just described a lot of situations we live. I think I have a little more patience than him, but I struggle more with organization and getting things done, and he is more prone to have problems listening, remembering stuff and impulsivity, but we both sometimes have a bit of issues being on time.😅 I'll show him this video, I bet it will help us. Thanks so much 🎉 keep the good work

[@joetruth7823]

Awesome info! I have ADHD and my partner seems to have whatever’s opposite of ADHD. She does things like ask me to write down lists and follow them to completion-which causes a few problems. One thing I do professionally as a contractor is never, ever give an exact time I’ll be somewhere. I just say the morning or afternoon and if a time needs to be more specific I use 2 or 3 hour windows. I also work on lots of jobs at once so when I lose focus I can go do a different type of project. I’ve tried Adderal but it makes me really dehydrated-sometimes to the point of cramps in my forearms-with the work I do. I’ve worked through my ADHD for 40 years and these videos are full of great ideas but I think these ideas are even better for our partners because it’s a doctor explaining what we go through and it doesn’t just sound like us making excuses when we try to explain ourselves for the 24th time. The whole “I can never trust you to do what you say” really hit home for me. That’s one thing I still can’t reconcile even after all these years of dealing with ADHD.

[@le_th_]

I love that you incorporated your husband (?) into this video! lol It certainly added a dimension of realness to how people can sometimes have different expectations and perceptions within communications. I have some traits of ADHD that are, thankfully, rather mild but still problematic. This was helpful advice and I've created an ADHD playlist and saved it for future reference. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and time!

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Thank you le th. Yes he is my husband. He's a good sport and is in a few of my videos. Thanks for putting this in one in your playlist.

[@obgfoster]

There should be a rule: no music background in videos about ADHD.

[@surayaarends478]

Y?

[@Gdad-20]

Yep, total distracting.

[@poshlal5340]

It helps me focus. And I've ADHD 😑

[@ella.canna777]

YES

[@TSteele718]

Everyone's ADD or ADHD is different and has different levels of severity.

[@randomyoutubeperson6954]

Dear Tracey, I found your channel by cy chance. I am 49 next week and I got diagnosed 2 years ago. I have struggled severly. I cannot express how grateful I am for your videos. Thank you! 🌺

[@thecarmonafam]

This is amazing. Such a great way of putting it. This would save so many marriages.

[@sunda1963]

Thank you so much for this video! I've been struggling with ADD all my life and I was only diagnosed when I was 40 I'm 56 today and even with meds and some guidance from doctors I'm learning more with your videos than ever before, I only wish I knew all this before I lost everything... Thanks!!!

[@DrTraceyMarks]

You're welcome. I have an ADD playlist. As I make more ADD videos I'll add to it kzbin.info/aero/PLazcP3-djRZ3j8_CqOZYfH0aua6twernx

[@elisetrumbull4873]

The gym scenario really helped give me some self-awareness. Forgetting about plans is unfortunately something I struggle with a lot. My sister will tell me that we had talked on multiple occasions about a commitment I made to something, but it is so hard for me to believe that it happened because I have no recollection of it at all *crickets*. Then the whole situation begins to feel overwhelming because I'm planning everything on the spot (or at least it feels that way). Even being diagnosed and knowing I have ADHD, seems like an unimportant fact in those moments. Seeing a literal reenactment of something that happens to me weekly, if not daily, somehow made it click that it has to do with ADHD. Anyways, I'm about to move in with my boyfriend, so I think this awareness will be really helpful going forward.

[@xplodegg]

I wish you all the best! Find a way to make note of tasks and timing of things and stick to it. I wish I did that a decade or more ago I'd be doing amazing, it's actually just the routine and time management that held me back so much I see that now I'm older. When I make lists and just stick to things like a robot I get so much done it's insane

[@stephaniecutts5117]

I was on the receiving end...I had no idea what was happening..I thought it was just alcohol...I finally ended the relationship and started seeking answers and he has all on the list..We're both in our 60's and I care about them but not interested in a long time relationship or marriage..For me it was draining...I felt as though a tornado went through me..He has found a childhood friend he said and that childhood friend told him that she has always liked him...I pray she cares enough to stick with him and he can have a successful love life...I just know it wasn't me...He is a good guy and I wish them well...

[@lebri8953]

This is very comforting. I’m currently dating someone who has ADD. It makes a lot more sense and I’m happy I’m starting to learn and understand. Thank you for this video. 💖

[@LeGooBoo]

I love this lady, after a lifetime of being misunderstood I am finally understanding myself with these videos

[@sharhondajames5139]

OMG! I wished I had this video 3 months ago. I started dating this guy who has ADD I've never knew it dated anyone with this disorder. And I think I may have ended the relationship because I felt so disrespected by him EVERYTHING that you went over as to what NOT to do I did. And truthfully he is a wonderful guy. I'm soooooo different I'm a planner by nature I like 5 year plans with goals to lead you into 10 years super self sufficient. But he's not and it's my lack of knowledge of him trying that has caused us to be kn a break probably permanently and now I'm sad. Thanks for educating us while really dont understand what it's like to struggle with this disorder

[@sharhondajames5139]

@Samuel Bamiteko No I tried but lack of focus and excuses became too much. We would discuss things make a plan and he would do the complete opposite. He kept saying it would get better but it never did

[@Titantakeover03]

Probably the best video I’ve seen on ADD. Thanks Dr. Marks.

[@TCToucan]

i really loved these tips! my only roadblock i have in my mind with my husbands severe ADHD and your suggestions for handling someone with them are the fact that i (like you said were guilty of) feel like im babying him by having to do everything for him. (making the notes for him, reminding him, telling him of consequences) its so so so hard for a non ADHD person so view this disorder in the light of "its a disorder" instead of "my husband just wants a nanny to take care of him and his life" haha. of course im joking but thats where all of our arguments stem from. as understanding as i can be i still feel like im literally a nurse to his life and hes a patient. as sad as that is i think a lot of partners end up feeling that way unintentionally.

[@mariagarcia2690]

Same!!

[@zarkkkz]

Accurate 😔

[@lavendrahunikhorn6402]

That's exactly 💯

[@JenniLevenbook]

The example given in the video did seem to be going, IMHO, a bit into the enabling territory. While, sure, who wouldn't like a personal assistant to be able to figure out that I have a class conflict, also that's not appropriate for my partner to do. (I'm the one with ADHD.) It is appropriate for him to ask me, as we have discovered, Him: Do you *want* to go to this party (logistics spelled out)? Me: I *want* to go to the party. Him: Can I RSVP the two of us for the party? Me: Oh, I have a class conflict. Hold on, let me move things around. (pause) All clear! Yes please. Similarly, when I ask him if he *wants* something, he always would answer as if he was committing to it. I was merely gauging interest when I ask it of him, and I interpret his question of me as a gauge of interest. Yes, attending a party such as that or even that one is something that falls into my "yes, fun, thanks for getting to know me I like stuff like that" bucket. If he wants me to commit, he has to make it somewhat more clear that he's asking me to RSVP verbally to him to attend the party at which point I, who have managed to make it this far in life without failing major commitments, know how to check my own calendar and schedule to determine conflicts; I would propose that any other functional ADHD adults similarly already have a system for doing this, themselves. It seems like it would be very efficient to turn "want" into "commit", right? Except it is too ambiguous a term. We can have multiple concurrent wants (I want ice cream right now, I also want a flying unicorn pony, and I want beautiful spring days to last forever; however I am committed to none of them) and admitting them aloud allows a moment of soft reverie. Please just be more direct for our poor neurodivergent brains which are already exhausted from basic life functioning so have little left for decoding ambiguous language and really hoped to find respite in our home life. If what you seek is a commitment, ask for a commitment. And asking for what you want, unambiguously, isn't infantilizing your partner, it isn't being their personal assistant, it is just direct communication.

[@verthebestia6483]

Sad thing is… after this video I feel like having a relationship with my partner with ADD doesn’t make sense anymore. I hoped that I find something that makes our relationship better but instead of it I got to know that my partner is and will be irresponsible, insensitive and childish and I should just accept that. That I have to be his mom and doing all the thinking for him and at the same time I shouldn’t talk to him like a child, which he acts like. Maybe it is a hard truth I need to finally move in my life, but… its just hard and terrible.

[@tiarabrown2145]

I agree with you. I got the same takeaway from this video. It’s not encouraging. How can I not act like a parent but yet have to be thinking like a parent on behalf of an adult? Meanwhile where is the accountability and growth on their part? That’a frustrating and doesn’t seem feasible.

[@amberallen4181]

This is our relationship in a nutshell. I am the wife and husband i think has ADD. We also have a A 17 year old son who i think is ADHD and an Autistic 6 year old. I am overwhelmed and get passive aggressive with my husband because i just don't know what to do.

[@samanthanoeliaferrer]

this video is making me think i cant handle my partner at all.

[@dreamceline2093]

Great advice. My only issue with “skipping days” is side effects when restarting. The s/e get better over time. Not having the steady state of meds in the system so it’s like starting the medication all over again.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

True it's harder to skip when you don’t usually skip. Also needing to take daily to reach a steady state doesn’t work the same with the stimulants as with the antidepressants. These are such short acting drugs that you’re really going after the more immediate affect of the drug rather than a steady state effect.

[@mariahpokedawg7124]

My girlfriend is irritable when she doesn't take her adderall on her days off of work.

[@Boyhead1973]

- Really going to commit to the 5 tips .... I tend to get irritable, short-tempered and I can talk down to him because, in my head, I'm like "why can't you just do it/get it done/not do that etc.etc.?" "why do you always forget that Tues and Fri are trash days?" etc etc etc... Thank you Dr. Tracey --- I'm working to be a better partner!!

[@NaderiaPlays]

This was super helpful! I am 2 years in, in a relationship with a person with ADHD and it's hard but I love him. So this was very helpful to me.

[@treatlady0073]

I’ve gently suggested that my husband does have ADHD over the 3 decades that we’ve been married. I think finally he’s coming to terms with the fact. He’s quite stubborn! Listening to your clip today , he just smirked as you talked about some of the issues. He especially related to the things the partner of the ADHD person can do to help/support them. I already do all of those things you suggested. It was a confirmation for him - I too, have developed a tonne of patience - our 3 children ALL have ADHD. I’m the weird one who is neurotypical- it’s lonely sometimes 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@cg6066]

That's me on every one. Found myself scrolling through other videos when I'm supposed to be watching this.

[@nicoleblack5249]

This is one of the first videos I’ve seen that show a TRUE understanding of what an ADHD brain looks like. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

[@lauren185]

Great video! I disagree with points made in number 3 though. I'm ADHD and it's not our partners responsibility to take on the extra mental load of remembering our routine or thinking about how a party invite affects that routine. That responsibility is the ADHD persons, its ours. I have often been that person who double books, that's my consequence to deal with. It made me want to learn better tools (which takes time and a lot of constant effort) to try and manage those things better. Please don't do the work for your ADHD partner. I know it's frustrating to experience second hand our executive disfunction, but it is still up to us to manage ourselves. Patience and understanding is the most helpful way to support us. Thanks. ✨️

[@superchris7]

Dr. Marks, I absolutely LOVE this video!! My wife an I have communications issues due to my ADHD. We have worked through a lot of it, but I find it's hard to convey to her what I need to remember things. This is great advice!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to make this video, and the whole series!

[@lostmemery]

For 8 years, I had no idea my ex had ADHD and I blamed him for being disorganized. I felt like he didn't care enough about me to actually accomplish the numerous things he promised me he would do for us. He was a controlling narcissist and I am fortunate to be free from that relationship, but I feel so sorry for the past me for poorly reacting to his undiagnosed ADHD... I wish I could go back in time and help him cope with it more appropriately...

[@dashdashdave]

Great video, newly diagnosed at 38 years old. Thank you for your wisdom.

[@happythoughts559]

I recently hopped back into the dating pool and am dating a super sweet guy. I just want to do this right and not sabotage it like my previous relationships, both romantic and platonic. Thank you so, so much for this.

[@flawlix]

I’m the spouse with ADHD (though my husband displays some symptoms of ADHD as well). We’re definitely having to work on the balance between “helping me remember things and stay organized” and “not parenting me.”

[@judymiller5154]

My thoughts - its "helpful" if you discuss an area of struggle and ask your partner to help in a certain way so he can say kindly "now hun, is this one of those times you'd like me to remind you 15 minutes before we have to leave?" It's parenting when your partner, out of the blue, goads you to change what you are doing with a more critical tone like "stop messing with that and start getting ready or we'll never get out of here on time! You always make us late!" Talk about things and hrlp your partner help you. God bless ❤️🙏❤️

[@allcatz]

I just learned to live with his traits long before my husband got diagnosed. He has such good qualities that we never fought about it. He accepted my issues so I did the same for him. When he got his diagnoses things made more sense to both of us and that helped in that we knew what was going on.

[@harrisonrebecca191]

diagnosed with what ?

[@allcatz]

@@harrisonrebecca191 ADD; he got diagnosed when we were in our late 30's (we're now in our 60's). Things like his school days made more sense. At least one of our know grown kids also has it, too.

[@IAmDebbieTravis]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years. I feel like our relationship has changed drastically in the last few years than the beginning. How do you differentiate the natural change of relationships with the effects of adhd? How/where do you draw the line between adhd and hurtful/abusive repeat behaviour? How do you know what a person with adhd really means? If he keeps telling me he loves me, but then keeps on lashing out unexpectedly, how can I stop it? He is a good guy 90% of the time but sometimes it's crazy. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!! Thank you for your great videos

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Hi Human Person (hilarious name, BTW). ADHD is a brain disorder that affects a persons attention, ability to focus, distractibility, etc and you see the negative outcome of this in the way they organize their lives and the way they relate to people. You have to keep remembering this because it DOESN'T mean they become abusive and hurtful when they get frustrated. Anyone can get frustrated, but the way you behave when you get frustrated is a character issue. So for example, if he calls you a belittling name, you have to say to yourself, how does being poorly organized, impulsive or forgetful lead to calling me a *#$%!? That's not an attention issue, that's just being mean. ADHD doesn't = mean. This is just one example. If he lashes out because he's stressed, then he needs to get the stress under control because his reaction hurts you. How willing is he to address the problem from that angle? After 4 1/2 years, I think you should have enough data points to know if this is still a good fit. Of course, a therapist can help you both work through some of this especially if you are contributing to the drama by stoking the fire. :) Thanks for the question. I wish you the best. I'm working on a video about identifying toxic relationships. Stay tuned.

[@IAmDebbieTravis]

Thank you for taking the time to message back! I might have more questions in the future :)

[@DrTraceyMarks]

You're welcome. No problem.

[@Anna-tc6rz]

@@IAmDebbieTravis I just have to add here as someone with adhd most times if you let us get away with something excessively we will take advantage of it and not see a need to modify our behavior.

[@Finkeldinken]

@@Anna-tc6rz Please only speak on your own behalf here. What you're talking about is again a character issue, not an ADHD issue.

[@megapiglatin2574]

A similar strategy for #5 for the ADHD person whose mind like to visualize things: > If I have a thought (or several) while someone else is talking and I feel like I desperately need to make my comment before I forget it, instead of interrupting, I physically “hold” the thought in between my fingers. Call me crazy, but I can often imagine it so much that I can practically feel the thought as I catch and hold it! Also I find it absolutely hilarious thinking about the answers to the questions Dr. Tracy asked in the beginning because…all of my long-term partners have been people with severe ADHD…and guess who was just diagnosed this past fall? 😅 Funny when these situations can be true of both partners simultaneously to the point of them being easy to forgive!

[@MD-vq1kg]

I have two kids with ADHD and this is true of one of them. One hates to be late. The other struggles with time. One has no issues with pressured speech - the other does.

[@veenasharma4808]

I struggle with the parent- 3rd grade aspect..I feel if i have to anticipate his own neglect, forgetfulness etc of his own schedule and the consequences of not time managing and I have to put it out there everytime, then i inevitably come off seeming parent- like regardless. He does not have to do that for me nor would I expect that. I don't want to speak to him like a kid.

[@gracep2910]

You deserve better.

[@Bassivor]

Thank you for this video. I have adhd and it's been hindering the heck out of all aspects of my life despite treatment. Its easy to feel like you're asking your partner to take care of an adult child though.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Hi Destin. It can seem like that which is not a great feeling for either person 🙂I'm glad this was informative though.

[@jj-ze8oq]

thank you dr Tracey Marks. your an awesome doctor, you are eloquent and put the gist of the topic in a short and beautiful timeframe otherwise I couldn't stay focused and get benefit of your videos. I cannot thank you enough.

[@GjenevaGjeneva]

I stumbled upon you on accident and I am extremely greatful I did. I believe this can help me and help my partner understand me better. Thank you so much! I love the way you speak and I am a new subscriber.

[@jessicacole8404]

*I found this video after remembering that I have work in 2 hrs*

[@jamesbryson9542]

Legacy is the word, for your giving. We all wish we could compile info the way you do. You are saving and repairing lives. Thank God for the internet and thank God and your goodness for your effort in giving us all of these videos. You are the best auntie anyone could ask for....

[@awilda2790]

I had a 4 month relationship with a man who I fell in love with and he broke my heart so badly. He finally told me he had ADHD, his whole entire family is dysfunctional and if I knew ahead of time, I would never have dated him. It's just so unfair that this man was so nice to me and then, out of the clear blue he says he doesn't feel like I truly loved him which I did. It's as if he needed any reason to break off our relationship. What a total waste of time.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

The break up is probably more due to his dysfunctional upbringing than ADHD.

[@giulianacr2638]

This is what I'm trying to do with my son. He's barely in the first grade but he has so much trouble understanding perspectives outside his own. It's important for me to help him be self sufficient and understand he is part of the world, not the center of the world. Early teaching is important. Telling him how I feel and letting him know it's not nice to ignore me or even scream when he's angry is important to me. He is so capable of loving others but managing his condition is key to maximize his potential with future relationships :)

[@molly.ramsay]

Love it, the scenarios are my boyfriend all the way, he’s always late and very forgetful! He has adhd and I have Aspergers so it’s definitely an interesting combination

[@DrTraceyMarks]

That IS an interesting combination. 🙂

[@tayshelletindall8021]

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years and he has one of these things.This video really helped so I'm gonna try to change the dynamic to make the relationship better.Fingers crossed! 🙏🤞🤞

[@galdjlajfaljaljdfladjfla3205]

This is good info AND it’s a lot of work. I wish I had known what to look before prior to committing. It’s hard not to feel like parenting. 😔

[@beccaleigh7744]

Making conversation notes is key. The idea of waiting to express a thought later is like saying you'll send the pinball back to the clown's mouth in 2 swings. That's not possible, the thought is elsewhere. Maybe it'll come back later, when I'm bathing the dog or trying to read (lol). For now, I am trying desperately to remember that we need Ketchup, because I have failed to include it in the last 3 grocery orders. Though, we have a freezer full of fries, since I also keep forgetting that I already bought fries. My brain between meds feels like a slowly-failing game of tetris, where none of the pieces fit in the available slots and they just keep piling up to eventual doom.

[@jadejamilet9778]

My boyfriend and I have been struggling in our relationship for 2 years and our relationship exists for 3..after years of both of us not understanding why I just couldn’t do things right and remember my duties as a gf or even a roommate, and things in general, watching this video definitley brought light to the both of us, I understood myself more as far as what I need from him and from myself to improve my daily life and relationship, and my boyfriend finally understands that adhd is not just an excuse or a reason to justify my bad choices and actions, he also pointed out that when you mentioned the opposite partner lashing out and bashing us with hurtful words caused by frustration, that he will work on thinking and being patient before he aggressively reacts to me in those moments.. thank you!! I feel me and him will be heading in the right direction

[@WIlliamCarvill]

crazy how hard it was to focus on this 4 minute video about focusing

[@laurenlayne6258]

I appreciate your words alot, I feel like this will help me and my partner alot.