Tips for Understanding a Partner with ADHD

When your partner has ADHD and you don’t, you may misunderstand each other’s point of view. This can be a breeding ground for all sorts of miscommunication, leading to disagreements, arguments, and hurt feelings.
Learn what you can do to increase positive interactions, help your partner with ADHD to be more aware of your needs, and find a common ground.
About the Speaker
Susan Tschudi is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Westlake Village, California. She is the author of Loving Someone with Attention Deficit Disorder: A Practical Guide to Understanding Your Partner, Improving Communication and Strengthening Your Relationship (New Harbinger, 2012). As an experienced speaker, she has addressed local, national, and international groups on the subject of ADHD and relationships. Tschudi also serves as an adjunct faculty member at Pepperdine University’s Graduate School of Education and Psychology.
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Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD) was founded in 1987 in response to the frustration and sense of isolation experienced by parents and their children with ADHD. Learn more at: chadd.org
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#ADHD #ADD

[@user-zd3ns6wx7y]

What is most bothersome to me is the spouses complete lack of empathy for the great amount of stress, frustration, and depression they cause on the non-adhd spouse. Like why are you so grumpy? Because I’m exhausted! Well that’s your problem.

[@seaportsthename]

this is my main issue as well. she is quick to judge things i do because of my own diagnosis but when i get frustrated with her, it's all "well i can't help it!" okay but neither can I and i seem to be the only one concerned with finding a solution to our horrible communication. :(

[@TripleEEDC]

I have ADHD. It’s not that we don’t have empathy. We do. We actually are very aware and have shame over how much we annoy you and cause frustration. The problem is that we often aren’t aware when we are causing the frustration until after it’s caused because our distractibility prevents us from focusing on not annoying you. We have no control over just how easily distractable we are and always ALWAYS overestimate our ability to control it.

[@alyssarea5194]

Not everyone with ADHD feels ashamed and bad about their behaviors. Some get angry at the spouse for everything that makes them overwhelmed or for trying to be organized in things. This video does not address that.

[@stevedale4800]

Yeah, as a spouse of adhd person, its endless accomadation for someone else, when im asked to step up and get better myself, I have to do it or fail, why are they any different? Stepping up isnt easy for anyone. Feels like total disrespect.

[@superdupeninja8149]

What’s with this narcissism that centers around the non-ADHd person as if the ADHD person isn’t trying their best?

[@-whiskey-4134]

Videos like this recently have finally made me understand my partner of 7 years. I have some guilt as some of her habits have been frustrating and I never understood how deep it goes. We’ve had many arguments about her habits not changing. Now I feel kind of like a jerk. Had I knows years ago I would have come at it from a more understanding angle and wouldnt have seen it as not caring or lying. I truly feel terrible that I didn’t understand how much it can really effect a person. I sat down with her recently after she showed me some of these and promised her I’d start taking a different approach when she does certain things and she promised she’d work on trying to notice when she’s doing those things. But know I know not to get irritated. She also has a habit of not being able to express herself properly, but she finally opened up to me about a lot more and a lot of things started to make sense. So now our main focus is on proper communication. That way I can understand what’s going on with her at whatever time and work with her in a more productive manner. I made a promise to not argue about it anymore and to not see it as her simply not caring, being lazy, etc. I really just never knew what was actually going on with her to the fullest extent. If you’re dating someone with ADHD, be patient with them if you really love them. I wish I could go back and do it all differently. I must have made her feel so bad at times because there was no proper communication to know the true root of the issues. Do research into the topic, it’s quite eye opening to say the least. I feel like I now know her better than I have the entire time we’ve been together.

[@030city]

You are such an angel. I hope my partner could understand me too the way you do. I’m loosing hope i think the kove of my lofe will leave me soon 🥺

[@Anonymous-wy5tk]

Your reply is music to me or anyone with a non typical brain. ADHD is hard. I was diagnosed 3 years ago. I’m 68. The water under the bridge is a whirlpool. It doesn’t move like water usually does. Expecting me to do things like a “normal” person, 🤨 is like telling me, tomorrow I want you to be taller, have blue, not brown eyes, not be sensitive to touch and remember everything. In truth, I spend my days trying to manage holding a dozen ropes and all I do is drop and pick up ropes. All day, everyday, trying and trying, and failing. But….when I am interested in something, you want me on your team! I am highly intelligent, amazingly creative, thoughtful and kind. However, I endure ridicule because of my quirky behaviour and I often feel embarrassed because I can’t get a handle on the little things. The book, Delivered From Distraction by Ned Hallowell has been wonderful helping me understand my self better. Thank you. I wish more spouses, including mine, were more patient. That’s pretty much what I need and some help with what is difficult.

[@CapnWilly]

Thank you. I myself have been struggling. My wife has ADHD and communication is very difficult. I read your comment and felt guilt and shame. I lose my temper and get frustrated when communication breaks down. I see how disappointed she gets when I lose my patience and eventually lecture her on communication... and it breaks my heart to see how she feels like she failed. I've been wondering if the relationship is doomed but am trying to learn and understand her to find a common ground to communicate.

[@leahmahaffey0526]

GREAT JOB, MY HUSBAND NEVER TRIED TO CONTR OR FIX ME. WE FIGURED OUT HE IS BETTER AT PAYING BILLS, AND KEEPING UP WITH ALL APPOINTMENTS. I WILL COOK 10 DAYS OF MEALS AND FREEZE THEM SO MEALS ARENT STRESSFUL WHEN I AM SUPER FOCUSSED ON MY INTERESTS. THAT WAY HE KNOWS I DO LOVE HIM AND WANT TO CONTRIBUTE. I JUST NEED TO DO IT MY OWN WAY.

[@krishnagondhea7428]

Sadly some of those with adhd don’t even know they have it till later on in life

[@kevintracy7764]

I really needed this. I walked away twice from my marriage because I didn’t understand and I couldn’t deal with it. We are still together today and continue to work on understanding one another. Thank you for the efforts that you may to help others.

[@IAmDebbieTravis]

Support for partners and family members of adult ADHDers feels super lacking, thank you for this video.

[@deniseiannini1238]

OMG I always knew something wrong was happening with my husband. He was diagnosed just months ago. But this is the most challenging subject in my marriage for sure. Sometimes I feel I have sooo much resentment and other moments I feel I have to come down and understand. It's soooo challenging.

[@deeghalseh]

I am going through the same thing now with my husband, but he is refusing to get into treatment. He is such a lovely person but so hard to deal with this situation making it so hard for me to take a decision 😔

[@StanR56]

i know what your talking about i feel same way.......I knew my wife had adhd but getting harder for me cause her 40 yr old son is (adhd) here with us, which makes it more difficult for me.. its driving me crasy..........

[@jamesroboyle]

@@deeghalseh You should go together to a psychiatrist who will explain the pros and cons regarding different treatment options and how it could potentially make life better not only for himself, but for his career aspirations as well . My gf hates my personality while I’m on my meds. She says I’m more annoying off the meds , but at the same time , I’m also way easier to communicate with and I’m less analytical when it comes to decision making . Not overthinking .

[@Gdad-20]

My wife of 37 years, says its been like having a 3rd child, that has never gotten out of puberty. She is a Mental Health Nurse, bless her heart ❤

[@Jessicad654]

As a woman with ADHD, reading these comments about spouses at their wits end with their partners breaks my heart. I have so much love to give my partner, but I know how much he hates my forgetfulness and my impulsive ways. I even hate myself most of the time.

[@AGENT_ORANGE_MK]

I wish it wasn’t seen as a moral failing or something that is being done willfully.

[@leahmahaffey0526]

Well STOP that you bring alot to a relationship. We are exciting, speacial, what subjects that interest us we will have alot of knowledge on. Whatever activity my husband likes I can get involved in. I only sleep 4 hours, my husband knows I will lay there and sleep my 4 hours and then I will be get up and work on art. Or any of my projects that give me joy. Play with my animals.

[@noaklein8267]

my husband always says 'it wasnt done on purpose'. and i fully acknowledge its always by accident but it doesnt change the outcome of what is going on. so knowing that never helps me. i dont know what sort of acknowledgement would though =( @@AGENT_ORANGE_MK

[@teebee2830]

My ADHD husband will not admit to the realization that he could have ADHD. I am at the point to see him as a companion in the home who can only do physical work when asked. He has his man cave, and his comfort is TV, sodas and potato chips. He forgets a lot; He cannot lead a home and project and plan for the families economic future, but only plans for the annual vacation since he was a child; His communication is non-existent; quick tempered, stubborn, ignorant and don't want to learn. I can say more, but my expectations for our relationship is down to zero.

[@amyzing3603]

Leave!

[@easyeconomicsprofsubhashini]

Realized this subject should be taught to all teachers. As a prof I realize I could have helped so many students who struggle with issues like all along and find it so difficult to carry on with their academics. please do one for teachers, some one somewhere will benefit

[@Blackflyer1]

As a person with ADHD I do think it's important to remember that ADHD is on a spectrum and not everyone has the same struggles or interactions with their partners. It can also happen that the overhelping and caretaking of a nonadhd partner is a problem. Just saying (not black and white)

[@AdrianaVRodriguez06]

I’m dealing with this with my boyfriend, we have been together for 3 years. But it does get frustrating at times. Our main issue is he loses focus when trying to multitask or keep appointments of being on time. The other main issue I have is he sometimes gets upset when I cut him off in main conversations when he keeps going and going on a topic. I really appreciate this video. It helps me understand that I’m not alone in going thru this.

[@steph.ea1]

Hey. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 4 year. We recently found out his ADHD. It's definitely a learning experience but I'm trying my best to be there for him. I would love to have someone to talk to that understands what I'm going through. If your up for it maybe I can give u my Instagram info 😊

[@15kdds]

@@steph.ea1 My now fiancé was open to me about his ADHD since we started dating but the problems got way more challenging now during the engagement, I’m trying to gain encouragement from videos like these, I would love to get in touch with people that is going through the same! ❤

[@hazelambriz6867]

I feel like we are in our three year and it’s been so tough because I didn’t truly understand my partners ADHD , this video definitely helped

[@lulitliz4918]

Oh no he had a daughter with ADHD too it’s absolutely a psychiatrist ward situation as much as I love him I need to stay sane he doesn’t want to get medications

[@hufer6123]

@@lulitliz4918I suffer fro ADHD and I was off my meds for almost 20 years. What made me start taking them again is when my wife sat down and had a honest conversation with about how much easier and much more respected people talk to me when I am on my medication. The impulsive and inappropriate comments stop. I myself never realized that what I said was out of the normal.

[@muppetb.lansing8374]

Just met a lovely lady with ADHD and I am doing some research. This is the BEST help that I have found so far. Thanks so much!

[@itsmeglyyyyyy24]

Same here.

[@jsinh5kwable]

I cannot tell you how grateful I am for this video. It feels like many people in relationships are not at a stage where couples therapy feels natural, and even if they did, it feels daunting to find a couple's therapist who understands the impacts ADHD can have on a relationship. I cannot recommend Dr. Tschudi's brilliant and helpful advice from this video enough - it's a must-watch.

[@4stomper]

I’m revisiting this video for the 3rd time in one week. I have recently learned of my partners ADHD. We had patterns of unhealthy behaviors. Both of us incapable to resolve or communicate simple differences. My self reflection has been very therapeutic since beginning to learn about ADHD. Thank you so much!

[@angelasmith5028]

Our relationship to a T. I am a professional organizer and have been with a ADHD /hoarder for 8 years. He is such a darling, we both are but it's hard! I laughed about driving separately, yes almost always! And separate bedrooms, works dang good!

[@stara7274]

Curious if you can please tell me what you think it means the driving separately. Because that has been a factor for my whole relationship and curious to how it all connects with ADHD. Thanks

[@rebeccajones8628]

I used to jump to search for his keys and phone. I told him to place them both in a particular place. He refuses. Now I just sit quietly as he scrambles. Excessive caretaking is me.

[@EdilySid]

I appreciate the comments from those with ADHD. Helps me see your side a little better and have more compassion on my spouse. Thank you

[@centralscrutinizer7374]

Very validating. Thank you. A 40+ marriage and two children that ALL suffer from ADHD has exhausted me. I have tried EVERYTHING with little success. I’m now now working on withdrawing from these relationships and focus more on self. No one cares for me more than I.

[@lisamercier391]

Living with adhd is very hard for both sides. I am highly aware that it's extremely hard for me to get my shit together some days, and you feel hatred towards yourself more than you do normally, and other days, I can run circles around everyone. The only consistent thing about me is how inconsistent I am. 😢

[@explorwithlyss6021]

Omg this is me, I feel you so much on this because sometimes I just can’t. I don’t know why I just know I literally can’t sometimes.

[@therudimentroom]

I have always struggled with so many of the things mentioned in this talk, but the one that I really have a difficult time with is being distracted over the most insignificant things. I will take the trash out, and on my way to the trash I'll notice that the plants need to be watered, then I might check the pool chlorine, then start pulling some weeds, all while the trash bag never got replaced and I left the hose running on the plants. It is RIDICULOUS, and I know that, but I have no clue how to stop! It's been like this my entire adult life, and it affects my relationship in so many ways, especially when I tell my husband I will do something, and then I will either not do it, or only do it half-way. I don't have commitment issues, as once I commit to something I DO it, but for some reason I don't know how to prioritize sometimes and it really causes issues. I also interrupt SO often trying to finish what he is about to say and I recognize that I do it, and apologize, but then continue to do it throughout the conversation. It drives both of us crazy. The only way I have found any type of remedy to my forgetfulness is writing lists the second I realize I need to do something, and crossing off items from the list as I get them done. This is especially helpful when I have school work, appts for the dogs, work stuff, kid stuff, etc.. it can get so overwhelming sometimes that I end up just doing none of it and then breaking down because I did nothing all day when I had so much to do. I have been considering going to a provider about this, but my biggest concern is that since I present myself so well, I have pretty good success in life and school and what not, that I won't be able to describe to the provider how much this impacts my life well enough for them to consider treating me in one way or another for ADD/ADHD. I have been living with this so long, it feels hopeless to try to make it to the doctor's office in an attempt to get help, so I just don't go and suffer through the struggle.

[@groawning1345]

Pls make an attempt,u deserve it

[@triciablank6285]

I also have ADHD. I struggle with a lot of the same issues. This book was extremely helpful to me. "ADD Friendly ways to Organize your Life." I was diagnosed in my thirties. It really helps to have family members right down about how you are and were as a child. For ADHD those around us are sometimes even more aware than we are. Of how it effects our lives and ability to function. There are also counselors and support groups that can help. Just helping your husband understand that he may need to take on additional responsibilities so you don't get overwhelmed and recognizing your limits can be extremely helpful. Best wishes.

[@JH-gq4xb]

My husband has it and I don’t know if this is helpful but he keeps one of those spiral bracelet key chains on the hose bib. You know the plastic ones that stretch and are brightly colored? When he turns on the hose he puts it on his wrist so that later if he sees it still on his wrist he remembers to turn off the hose. We have a well so if we run it too much we won’t have water so this was his solution and so far it works

[@EdilySid]

Just want to say I'm sorry for your struggle and thank you for your comment. It helps me have more compassion on my spouse who does similar things.

[@simonbaigrie2485]

Hey. Not sure if you've progressed futher since posting this but it would definitely be worth finding someone with experience in this area. Sounds like some past mistreatment by others might be getting in the way of giving it a go. From what you've described I think they will understand as they see it all the time. It could be watershed moment for you. My partner is currently going through the process of diagnosis at the moment.

[@colleenwike6434]

WE have been married 42 years. This is a lightbulb moment! He has undiagnosed ADHD. He is 75 and all the traits of ADHD seem to be intensifying with age. Could that be possible?Your talk has shed light on the most serious issues in our relationship. I have been so frustrated and anxious; beating myself up for not being patient. I have been overcompensating for my husband's perceived laziness, forgetfulness, addiction to chaos and clutter and inability to follow through on any projects.I am taking care of everything. I am exhausted but so grateful for your very practical advice.

[@MommaJ358]

I absolutely think it can intensify with age. I am also married to an undiagnosed spouse and I feel like he is getting worse. We are in our late 40’s so hopefully if it starts getting too hard, he will go see someone about it. 🤷‍♀️

[@krishnagondhea7428]

ADHD is a curse. It’s debilitating and the quality of life becomes limited

[@simonbaigrie2485]

Sounds like you've done an incredible job over a lifetime!

[@colleenwike6434]

@@simonbaigrie2485 Thank you.

[@vittoriabitaeva7082]

Grateful from the bottom of my heart. Feeling, that now I finally got support and advise I was so missing. Thank you 🙏

[@kygkyg8971]

Being in a relationship for 7 years with my boyfriend who has ADHD it has been difficult to understand the actions of his ADHD. He would interrupt me as I'm speaking just to exclaim that he knows what I'm talking about I'd say can you not cut me off when I'm speaking, He denied doing anything 😮‍💨

[@HealthierRoots]

This has been the most helpful resource as a non-ADHD partner. Thank you!

[@triciablank6285]

I have ADHD. I absolutely Hate when my husband repeats himself like you recommend. He entirely disregaurds my feelings, questions, and comments. This is extremely disrespectful.

[@afsarabenazir8558]

What do you suggest would be a solution for it

[@ColleenFV]

I have not heard of a talk to the ADHD person, what they can do to make the marriage better. We seem to not be able to resolve the same problems. We only hear what the non ADHD partner should do. I am so over it. Sorry... but that's how I feel. I have tried over the years to help him organize, cues to remember, alarms, and on and on. To put the changes needed all on the non ADHD partner isn't fair and is very exhausting.

[@christinagombar2622]

Absolutely agree. We need help for partners. Yes, several five figure fortunes have been lost when I was too busy with eldercare, my own very serious illness, or just trying to have a hobby. Yes, real catastrophes have happened. I have great difficulty doing every day tasks as well. Would love to have someone help me, or just be an equal. Unfortunately, I see this with a lot of married couples. Whatever happened to the man of the family taking responsibility for financial planning. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from blaming the responsible partner, while asking absolutely nothing of the ADD person, except going on medicine. ADD people are so over oversensitive to themselves, and really lack empathy.

[@benandrews3347]

Q: would you speak this way of your ADHD partner if they were missing a leg and you had to help them do some physical activities? Did you not hear any of the descriptions of what people with ADHD struggle with? You are viewing it as if they are willfully deciding to have these symptoms. I suggest you review the video where you will find it iterated and reiterated that each partner must appreciate how difficult it is for the other and that the diagnosis is not an excuse for the ADHD partner to do nothing. Also I would remind you that this particular video is focussed on what the non ADHD partner can do, so of course it's skewed toward what the non ADHD partner can do. The kind of reactions exhibited in this comment will absolutely make things worse, and offer no possible solution.

[@xoxoshaneandmexoxo]

I have to come back to videos like this every so often to get a reality dose

[@1412mariLU]

This video was amazing! I've been with my partner for 4 years and we moves in together 2 years ago. I did have a general idea of what ADHD means and how people who have it function but I didn't really know, how I should react to it or how I could help my partner. His main "problems" are doing chores and overall procrastination but also talking about important (but boring) things like finances, insurance, health, etc. Especially the question round at the end brought up a lot of good info and tips that I'll implement in the future.

[@mystik.mermayde.aotearoa]

This was really brilliant and soooo helpful!! I've watched lots of videos lately and yours is hands down the best 🙏

[@taracat7141]

Many times it is the ADHD partner is the "over helper" and is the excessive.

[@VioleRose100]

True, and the problem the disrespectful people can misuse them at work places 😢

[@hannahm7433]

Thank you for saying what I needed to hear and articulating things I didn't have the words for. I entered into a fairytale like marriage ten years ago (impulsivity is so romantic) and have been in denial about many of the challenges of having a spouse with ADHD. Its comforting to hear what I'm doing right and also see areas for improvement.

[@mohammedayaz7510]

Thanks a lot i needed this. And i have crossed the roadblocks realised it late I will change from now on I really want her to be happy, it makes me sad when she isn’t and i try to cheer her up and when i wont be able to cheer her up i start get feeling bad i would feel like im not worthy for her After watching the video it really helped me thanks a lot❤

[@jennybrown4207]

My husband has had thousands of dollars worth of every kind therapy. He was diagnosed 15 years ago, but finds a reason to not take his meds. He can no longer can say he doesn’t have the tool-sets to communicate, function at higher levels, make small changes that overtime will develop new neural pathways so he will stop causing crisis in mine or my childrens lives. I've taken on almost every adult task because he's proven time and time again that he won't impliment any consistent cognitive behavioral therapy techniques He's learned. I'm exhausted because I don't have a partner. I'm literally working 80+hrs this week to pay for a huge financial problem he created and lied to me about. It all feels hopeless.

[@MrFukkthis]

You sure that's not narcissism?

[@simonbaigrie2485]

​@MrFukkthis Wow really? Sounds like you lack self awareness buddy!

[@cjdv]

Thank you for these great strategies and advice

[@TCTCTCTCTC]

Thank you so much for this insightful, helpful video, it’s exactly what I’ve been looking for and couldn’t find until now. It’s quite calming and reassuring to have you highlight common traits with advice on how we can help the situation. (I’ve recently been studying NVC and realise that the language that it teaches to help identify Emotions and Needs, beautifully seems to support what I’m hearing you say here. Thanks again so much 🙏

[@HelpForADHD]

Glad it was helpful!

[@darrensantos5980]

Am I just a source of Noise to my ADHD partner? Is my role just to walk around on eggshells with them?

[@HelpForADHD]

Hello Darren, You may find this Attention magazine article for Non-ADHD partners helpful. chadd.org/attention-article/dont-give-up-dont-give-in-survival-skills-for-the-non-adhd-partner/

[@easyeconomicsprofsubhashini]

combining personal experiences with education is extremely useful.just a chance dive into this video.. now worth watching.congrats maam

[@SeanDiego]

Ty so much. Truly love a woman that has this and her hot and cold actions stem from this and past trauma. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to ground her. When she went off of it recently due to the shortage, she was so much better to be with.

[@simonbaigrie2485]

Do you mean a shortage of meds? We're currently looking at this as an option at the moment so interested in people's experience.

[@susand6249]

Thank you. Very informative/helpful! My partner expressed this week how he wants me to research more on ADHD & I came across this video. I said there’s a lot of info about diagnosing ADHD with someone going through it but not on how to be the spouse of someone who has ADHD. I’m stepping out of my comfort zone & seeing his point of view- trying different tactics/ways to improve. I think what was resonated with me is it’s not asking for permission but being thoughtful & showing empathy in asking- how to change my approaches/thoughts with my ADHD spouse if that makes sense.

[@simonbaigrie2485]

Going through the same journey at the moment. Finding the How to ADHD channel helpful from the ADHD perspective. Would be interested if you've found other good resources.

[@susand6249]

@@simonbaigrie2485 beautifully complex podcast has been very helpful. Another good one is soaring child thriving through adhd GL. Also if your child is in elementary school, you can see if they have additional services or even middle school or high school

[@airoazi9029]

Thank you so much....ive been suffering since day1 since i met her..all i have to do is help her take care of her...i have done nothing in my like thingking about her that she needs me always...now im free and know how to deal with this mental diaorder....i can breathe now...

[@thecombativeone9675]

I’ve had adhd all my life but I’m 32 now and am barely learning about my disorder cuz I was shunned for it growing up the things I’ve learned in this video make me want to cry because my partner has to deal with me like this no wonder she’s stressed idk what to do it’s like I can’t ever figure out a solution theirs too much stuff going on in my head

[@KE-xj9vm]

This is very accurate. I’ve got adhd and my husband and I have the exact issues you describe. And I always say to him it’s not what you are saying it’s how you say it. All his points are valid, and I would feel like he does if the situation was reversed but he does the whole parent thing and as a result I act with defiance and defensiveness

[@Clarissa746]

My partner has ADHD. And what bothers me is that I feel unseen and forgotten. It hurts me to ask for attention and on some days I think about breaking up. But he's a really good person. He's the best and I love him. And I don't know what to do and how to approach this

[@hainh7932]

I’m in relationship with an ADHD and i’m hopeless. I’ve tried to be understanding but i cant tell if it’s his ADHD or he just simply dont care abt my feeling. I can never have a proper conversations without him zoning out and that makes me feel disrepected. All he said is that he cant change and i have to accept and be nice to him, what abt my own feeling? I really need to talk to someone with ADHD to help me understand.

[@patriciacampbell6443]

My partner loves his Attention Defecicit Disorder. Like of chaos for me. No details get done, big messes everywhere.

[@leahmahaffey0526]

My son & I both have ADHD. It was difficult getting him graduated. Working with the school to give us 2 sets of books, and the homework provided so we had them at home, if homework sheet sent home what he completed in school was left there we would finish it at home. Schools have to by law do all they can to help kids learn. There were those teachers that didn't understand ADHD and would try and punish him for not paying attention with really dumb things like not allowing him to play at recess. Or put him in the corner with a desk that had a large cardboard box around it. Or send them to principals office. Ridiculous, they learned that coffee, mountain dew, or dark chocolate, helped way more. My son did graduate and was hired as a mascot for the NBA, TRAVLED AND PREFORMED FOR YEARS. THEN WENT INTO ELECTRICAL DESIGNING TAUGHT BY HIS DAD. BEING ABLE TO HYPER FOCUS LEARNED QUICKLY AND HAS A VERY SUCCESSFUL CAREER. WE WERE BOTH BLESSED BY A HUSBAND, AND HIS DAD THAT NEVER TRIED TO CONTROL US, NEVER EXPECTED US TO BE NORMAL.

[@mykulpierce]

My ex wife just got diagnosed as we finalize all the particulars. I definitely have been run down and felt unappreciated. I went years quietly suffering hoping she would clue in to what she was doing to me emotionally. Even now she doesn't seem to get what the implication of her diagnosis is in reflecting on our past. I have to move on

[@jvhvkhvhkvkvkh7535]

so you left her for her adhd wow abliest

[@kerrybentley9166]

My adhd partner regularly says are you still talking? You talk too much and this is really hurtful because it’s usually when I’m helping him with something or trying to put boundaries in place. How do I not take this personally or deal with it

[@rocko34]

I’m really struggling to feel heard by my partner who is “self diagnosed adhd” recently I just keep noticing her not quite listening to me/not being present. Not sure what the cause is but I’ve been feeling hurt and very lonely (struggling with anxiety and depression myself so it’s hard to know if it’s not just in my head)

[@EdilySid]

My spouse is clinically diagnosed. It is hard. I feel so isolated sometimes, especially in phase of life of raising young children. It's so validating to see others feeling lonely too, but still wish others didn't have struggles too. Lots of love to you.

[@lilaworley8935]

What if as the non ADHD partner, you've tried literally everything including how you try to approach and the ADHD partner is medicated but oppositional, reactionary and angry and every time you try to point out how it's negatively effecting the children....they try to blameshift or refuse to take accountability and shift their behavior? What if the father looks like an angry drill Sargeant but refuses to hear your concerns? Then what?

[@Ssookawai]

That has nothing to do with ADHD, I can guarantee you that.

[@Ssookawai]

@SpamMullet ADHD shouldn't be a tool to excuse poor behavior. It is quite insulting to believe so, accountability is a must for any decent human being.

[@Janeway1269]

@SpamMullet In my limited experience with an ADHD partner, anger issues come out of fixation loops. Am I wrong? I may be oversimplifying, but this person wants to keep it simple to begin with so...

[@Janeway1269]

@SpamMullet This person has divorced recently, and apparently been through a lot of counseling. As a result, while the person has offered that I can ask anything, I can only, from what I have experienced, receive the answers given to me. Too much questioning leads quickly to frustration. And if there is a disagreement, that person said they promised themselves they would only go "Back and forth, twice". I can understand not wanting to get frustrated and start one of those loops, but I also feel like this bars a lot of meaningful communication. The person is trying to enjoy newly single life, so I think the simplification is about enjoying relationships and that's that. But I think it includes, for the person, avoiding further work with any other partner to make things work well.

[@Janeway1269]

@SpamMullet The person was on medication for 8 years and recently weaned off of it, stating that the plan was never to stay on it for so long. It was intended to be temporary but one thing led to another and suddenly boom! 8 years went by.

[@speakingtowind]

So what in the world should I do if after ten years she can not complete a task and will even abandon necessary tasks because she does not like or want to do them or do it a certain way. My partner only completes tasks that fulfil her symptoms or interest. I also can not ask for help because no physical task at home will be finished or even half way finished if I ask. So I’m left to doing it always. Everything. Which obviously can not all be done everyday.

[@lisapuma1983]

Ive been verbally abused for 15 yrs. Just filed divorce and on the same day my husband was diagnosed adhd and anxiety disorder. 😢

[@johnhall8455]

This is an excellent video for anyone to get a better understanding of ADHD… Living with an Adder, is like living with a child in an adults body, it’s not surprising difficulties occur. Getting the Adder to understand and admit to having ADHD, is so important in initiating the start to the massive learning curve for both partners…Adders have so much to offer, and can be amazing and fun to be around..

[@kayleyameliaHQ]

I hope any women taking advice from this video knows for sure if she is just dealing with ADHD or a narcissistic partner that will use all her weaknesses she expresses to him against her and no matter how calm or firm or crazy or even if she just ignores their problem's.....He will NOT change.

[@darkcrystalmagik3369]

??😳 huh... kind of an unusual comment, considering the content here, not to mention the unnecessarily gendered framing of your imagined scenario (perhaps you've personal experience living w/ or observing this dynamic?) Obviously there exist relationships between narcissistic woman w/ a codependent, enabling male-or female- partner, just as a woman can have adhd and be in need of lots of help from her partner, male or female. And a man could have BOTH ADHD and NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or narcissistic tendencies- either bc of having a similar disorder, like BPD (borderline), or "just" toxic behaviors. Alcohol woman can have both ADHD, & a PD, which often go undiagnosed, bc ppl w/ PDs usually shun therapy. But yes generally speaking those with PDs do not change (bc they can't admit the truth of their problems).

[@AwakenBlackTear]

@@darkcrystalmagik3369I think this comment is reasonable. Before my partner had told me that he had ADHD, as our relationship moved extremely fast. I had friends concerned and expressing that they were worried that he had Narcissism, as he appeared to love bomb from day one and had other issues later down the line. It wasn’t until he made it clear he had ADHD, then I took the time to research it that everything I was experiencing made since. Had I not taken the time to research about ADHD, and even made him aware of some of his problems and how serious it was he look into managing them…. I would’ve left the relationship calling him a Narcissist and thinking he didn’t care about me and only cared about himself because of his short attention span and easiness to forget. And believed all the good things he’d ever done for me, were things he did to keep me from leaving him when I got on to him. Being in the relationship has taught me a lot and helped me honestly mature as a woman, learning not only on how to manage myself and behavior with an individual with ADHD, but also how to love and care for a man. Understanding his needs and how to be more affectionate, as I came from a background of no affection and plain survival. But his comment is right. Women are more likely to guilt themselves into staying in a relationship if they believe it’s because of a disorder where the individual can’t control their actions. I’m sure the same is for men, but we have to be honest..women are lead by emotions more often than logic.

[@ktwhimsy6946]

@@AwakenBlackTear I usually don’t read the long comments (I myself have ADHD) but what you wrote here was so concise & thoughtful! I admire your ability to present your experience/opinions in such a straight forward way! And I just wanted to add that I think it’s so important for people to understand that symptoms of many disorders overlap… because narcissism is such a buzz word currently, and there’s so many recent videos & articles & blogs about it, people are taking the information (sometimes from sources who truly have no idea what they’re talking about) and applying it to situations based on a small handful of observations that could also be explained by numerous other things… like ADHD, copendency issues (you’d be surprised how many symptoms overlap with NPD!) and even substance abuse disorders. I applaud you for taking the time to look at ALL the information, and seeing the patterns of behavior instead of just the individual actions. I think we all hope to find a partner who takes the time & care to try and understand us, as you have done. That being said, please do also keep an open mind going forward… if your friends were concerned about you, there usually is at least some merit… perhaps it is all related to ADHD, but perhaps not. Something I wish I could go back and tell myself when I was much younger, is that despite any valid reasoning behind it, if you set boundaries and your partner regularly steps over them, tries to make you feel guilty for having them, or otherwise disrespects them, it really doesn’t matter why. Could be NPD, could be ADHD, could be just an A-hole… let them work through that stuff on their own and tell ‘‘em to look you up when they’re ready to reciprocate 👌🏼 I wish you the best, stranger from the internet 😆

[@EmsEms81]

It’s difficult to know because adhd and narcissism/sociopathy seem so close in behaviours.

[@abigaila2024]

@@AwakenBlackTearhank you for this, I was starting to think my partner was a narcissist. But I was talking to my therapist and she told me he might have adhd… I did my research and I believe her. I let him know and we took a few online test and it said positive. We just found out yesterday. Our relationship has its struggles but he is amazing. He is willing to grow and learn and he has changed the year that we have been together. I’m just here to learn, get support and figure out my part.

[@Pepsolman]

I’m desperately trying to figure out how to get my adhd wife to be more affectionate and intimate. She’s so cold that’s she’s made me really cold. She never initiates contact. Rarely hugs. She can roller coaster with her emotions while I can get stuck in a mood all day.

[@raquelsalazar2061]

I’m sorry to ask you this, I know it’s very personal but does she avoid sex as well?

[@Prince_Gordon]

I don’t think I was supposed to listen to this. I was already feeling like a huge burden. My wife has been doing all these things the best she can for over 20 years and now I feel like she just can’t deal with me anymore, in spite of trying my best to overcome all my faults.

[@JH-gq4xb]

I feel like the finances and other example means try with them and if not, do it yourself. Which is tiring

[@karenkuffel3996]

I need a therapy group. My daughter is 34, she has a 3 year old. Which has been my main concern. We have to share our space. It’s a long story but we are in quite a viscous cycle. And I need real help.

[@JenniferC-lk3zv]

Gotta pump those bumpers up. Those Re rookie numbers!😮

[@mohammedayaz7510]

But going through the video and knowing about the roadblocks I don’t think she will love me again cause i made it so hard for her. I want to change mistakes how am I supposed to do it I really love her a lot and I can’t loose her

[@shay7128]

I'm not an over help person. I do what I want and like to do without making him feel one way or the other. I get upset by this because he's found someone who will do everything without complaint. Yet... He still gets mad at me if I get upset, even very slightly, by anything that goes against his beliefs. This is not ok. I've been abused in the past and this comes across as emotional abuse. I can say, I wish this or that person didn't do that, and he will say it's a personal issue, I'm an idiot, and that it's so stupid I would even bring up disagreeing, when he has me read and validate his Facebook disagreements. Please explain that. He says I 'raise my voice' which I do not, he says I'm being dumb (when it's something in my wheelhouse of understanding), and when I explained I'm there for him when it's something he's upset about, he says he gets it, but my issues are stupid and don't matter. I'm a mother to 3 boys age 13, 9, and 6 months old... And I work from home full time. I'm exhausted and upset about how I'm treated when I do everything for him without complaining, and he still has a fight to pick and everything is my fault. I'm so hurt and defeated.

[@jvhvkhvhkvkvkh7535]

thats not adhd thats abuse

[@haseo0095]

ADHD is never an excuse for such abusive behaviour Shay. Please reach out for help Shay. This is beyond sick (and I have ADHD btw).

[@tg7949]

Same thing is happening to me and I do have ADHD also but that is not a valid excuse for another person to mentally abuse you because of your ADHD and what comes with it. It sounds like you are under narcissistic abuse which is what I have dealt with for years. They go to gaslight you and act as if your incompetent with everything. I'm always called names told I'm incompetent. My ADHD just gives people like them and unlimited supply of reasons to be critical. It is very exhausting get out if it doesn't stop

[@ryankruize4296]

I am struggling hard with it. I'll make plans and she will bail because she got distracted and forgot about it. All the time. But if I don't plan anything, she says I'm not trying. I'm never right

[@user-ds5uj6mj9n]

I have adhd and my husband was a malignant narc I was a angel to that evil moster

[@kourtneybee]

In all honesty, I cannot bring myself to have the patience and empathy it takes to deal with this in my marriage no matter how much I understand it still doesn't feel good to have to deal with these shortcomings in a relationship.

[@Lionforaday]

I get this. Totally valid. I think one of the challenges is that it's a fine line between what is a result of the disorder and what's simply using it as an excuse. The majority of the time? I doubt even the person with ADHD knows. And of course it's much easier for some people (not all, but some) to use an excuse for problematic behaviour, rather than taking responsibility for the behaviour - and for changing the behaviour.

[@triciablank6285]

There are books and counseling that can help them manage some of the symptoms of ADHD if you can have enough patience for them to learn and implement them. Not all isdues will be manageable though. So counseling and really learning and coming to understand ADHD can be very helpful.

[@jamesroboyle]

@@triciablank6285 My gf had an issue with me taking my meds inappropriately. Pointed out a ton of shit that I hated about myself already . I told her to hide the meds and just give me my daily dose . It’s been a bit rough , but I’m gonna see this through . Its gonna make me better from a productive standpoint .

[@paulbackhard6315]

I’m thinking the same , all the advice is basically saying I have to learn to put up with their nonsense! I honestly don’t think I can be bothered ? It’s just to much hassle

[@joshsubin2517]

As a person diagnosed with ADHD I’m 27 and I’ve been in a relationship for 7 and a half years. I’ve just started realizing the stress I put my s/o through. Also realize I haven’t been on medication for ADHD since I was 11. I never realized my ADHD could have an affect on my relationship until I started doing more research. A lot of the arguments I’ve been in have stemmed from ADHD. It’s not excuse but it can’t be dismissed if that makes sense. I realize the stress I put on my s/o but it’s taking effort on my end to help out. But to your point you should not have to help so much and more just to understand. It’s definitely up to me dealing with my ADHD to help with my relationship. There’s so much to unpack but I hope your S/O finds a way to deal with their ADHD.

[@AutiSam1974]

Lots of videos on YT about being a partner of someone with ADHD but not much for couples where both partners have ADHD, can anyone signpost me to any content about this?

[@kcluv123321]

What is the boy boundary is a task that is extremely difficult for a person with ADHD?

[@alydesf5875]

The title is misleading... this is more how to protect yourself from overcompensating for your ADHD partner. As a person with ADHD who is also "gifted", I did not feel understood in this video. All I heard was: No. Do this. No. This is how I feel so do this... if you don't act this way you are on your own, and in a cold manner. My main symptom is overthinking and scattered brain, but I overcompensate by being extremely organized (you got the colorful post it right, that's a fact!). Certain tasks are harder to complete though, like administrative, or if I make a call and then need to follow-up because of some wait period. I never fully relied on my partner for anything. In fact, I suspect he had aspergers because I am the one who was organized, and wanted follow through, and he would just be in his little world, and quite clueless of my emotions. To be fair they were quite colorfully displayed... and that can be a lot for anyone, I get it. But imagine having ADHD and being the parent on top of it... perhaps this video relates to another dynamic. I still feel the title is misleading. I do appreciate the help it might bring to partners of ADHD people in the instance that it is severe though. One thing I noticed though, is how feedback for partners of autistic people says to accept, whereas for ADHD partners it's about setting boundaries. I can imagine a lot of ADHD people feeling at a loss...

[@ThisThatAndTheOther123]

Yeah, I'm not going to lie I kinda notice this too. There seems to be this guiding assumption that the ADHD partner is going to be very disorganized and demanding. Its almost like they all assume the non - ADHD partner is necessarily well adjusted and securly attached and is a martyr to the ADHD partners whims. I mean - I get it, I know my ADHD has made things hard in the past. But what about unkind (or even abusive) non-ADHD partners? It is possible that they can be dicks too. I don't know - I think videos like this are useful, but theres too much good faith to the non - ADHD spouse and too much bad faith to the ADHD spouse.

[@Ren-xc1cb]

Well said!! This video was a bit demoralizing as someone with ADHD looking into how I can prepare partners to understand me a little better. I'm also gifted. I also work really hard to not burden others with my issues. So much of this ADHD discussion treats all ADHD people as though we are all the same. And that sameness refers to us as though we are all deeply unhelpful and inconsiderate. I have learned from childhood how important it is to ensure that others are feeling respected seen and heard in relationships. I work my butt off to keep focused in conversations I may not enjoy just to ensure there is no sense of abandonment from me. And I can definitely book my own appointments. And I over communicate in areas and moments when I know I will have to physically fall short, just to ensure the other person is not left clueless and hurt. This video could possibly include a disclaimer that ADHD is a spectrum and there is not just one way of experiencing it or relating to it.

[@rickwhite3817]

I stopped listening to the nonsense about how the mental impairment that I've been struggling with for 40 years is caused in any way by learned helplessness because my wife and I split our domestic tasks by who does things best.

[@Buycapricorn]

Same here. I was disappointed by the video because it showed ADHD people as the ones with whom you just need to talk 'as an adult' and set personal boundaries with. Honestly, I got angry after watching this, because it was so misleading. I just imagined when my husband tells me in a strict manner, 'as an adult' that I did or do smith wrong and that it hurts him.. Uhh, I would be ashamed and frustrated for a long time afterwards! It would help non-ADHD person, probably, but would hurt even more a person with ADHD. I do know and believe that there are other ways how to deal with such problems.

[@DB-nc4lt]

As a person with ADD could you put this into short form I got to "no do this"

[@kisoshi898]

Is a symptom of ADHD to never being content and or to need things their way seemingly?

[@Clarissa746]

I need help. My fiance has ADHD. He's the greatest guy I've ever met. I'm happy with him except the fact that i sometimes feel like i don't exist or he doesn't care about me. For example, he might forget to reply to texts or call for severs days. And i don't like the feeling that I'm almost begging for more attention. It hurts my heart. I don't know how to talk to him about it because i don't want him to take it as if I'm criticizing. How do i deal with that? I neeeed attention. I don't care about the money or the house or anything... I want him. Do i talk to him about it ? Or do i Learn how to cop and let this thing die in my heart? We're not gonna move in together till after the wedding, so i don't know if i should expect more obstacles with that

[@sicanism5454]

me and my ADHD partner are on brick of breaking up rn. She tried to break up with me 3x already bec she lost the sparks and she can’t feel it anymore and it happened overnight. Does that mean she doesn’t have genuine feelings for me or is it just her ADHD? Or also because I dont give her the Dopamine hit anymore just like in the early stage of our relationship? Does the feelings come back? I love my girlfriend and I’m really patient and understanding so a little help would be much appropriated

[@Clarissa746]

My partner has ADHD. And I kind of feel unseen. Like no attention. Now I'm worried that he lost internet in me but he doesn't say it. I hope everything went well with you

[@Mbappe_fan300]

How do you know what is their adhd and what is bad personality

[@15kdds]

My now fiancé was open to me about his ADHD since we started dating but the problems got way more challenging now during the engagement time, I’m trying to gain encouragement from videos like these but honestly I’m losing strength!

[@kerry-annjean-noel2190]

Me too!

[@jesperplaetner5074]

I got married a year ago, I'm the "undiagnosed ADHD partner" and now we are already getting a divorce. My advice for you is to plan a more simple wedding that your ADHD partner can mange so they feel part of the wedding. Our wedding was for + 130 people in France and I only had around 15 guest from my side and it was very stressful. And my wife soon to be X-wife felt I was not participating in the planing wich was very hard for me when it was in French and in another country on another language. And it made me completely burned out.

[@user-wd3po8sd7k]

try having ADHD and being in a relationship with a narcissist. It’s a struggle every day. My ADHD/chronic anxiety is in full effect with him.

[@kcluv123321]

Damn! We are in the Parent Trap! I don’t know what to do. She lives and abosluts 😕

[@maryb868]

How do you still have respect or still be crazy in love or find your ADHD partner sexually attractive when they can't seem to do anything right? I'm really struggling with this right now

[@johnhall8455]

Tactfully getting him to understand and admitting to having ADHD is the first step. If you are sure he has ADHD, you know what to expect, not a lot in the way of care and attention you would like to receive…The rules in his brain are completely different to yours….It’s not intentional on his part to be the way he is, it’s just the way his brain is wired… It’s about communication and compromise, but we all have limits…

[@a1cwillette]

Well, most women think most men can't do anything right...so, not sure it's the ADHD...

[@maryb868]

@@a1cwillette lol true but this is different

[@jamesroboyle]

@@a1cwillette The majority of Inventions and Technology in general has been due to men .

[@lifewitholliethegsp9203]

You have to remember why you got married in the first place. God brought you two together for a reason. Giving up on your husband because he hasn’t had treatment yet is sad. I’m so grateful I have a husband who loves me unconditionally, I am working on myself. But I could not push myself without his love.

[@markdaoust4598]

19:00 - “communicate as adults, be assertive not mean”. Also, be careful how you talk with kids too please!

[@noaklein8267]

this comment section

[@amyzing3603]

I don't think I can do it. I feel so invisible in the relationship. Trust me, I have tried different angles at different situations and nothing helps.

[@Clarissa746]

I'm kind of in the same situation. And sometimes it's hard to ask for attention. But I'm trying to learn how to deal with it. On some days I think about breaking up but he's really a good person and we all come with our flaws. I hope it goes well with you.

[@amyzing3603]

@@Clarissa746 Thank you :) all the best to you too

[@StudyGlassHealer]

Ok, so I speak as an adult to my husband but were in the parent trap in the sense of my care level. Now what?

[@StudyGlassHealer]

In the example she said she would clean up the garage, right there if they're already in the learning helplessness- boom you have told them they don't have to take care of it and you will do it once again.

[@samael4400]

😢

[@jasminegalarza2178]

Ok this is so extra. As someone who has ADHD innatentive, you are not dealing with one. You are dealing with a narcissist. Get out. It's not that hard for us to become aware and want to DO better not GET better. Big difference

[@JohnD-om2ul]

I have adhd and I can't identify with half of this complaining. It sounds like you're complaining about a lazy husband more than anything lmaoo

[@kellykjrneill1135]

This is sooo interesting 🧐 my husband and I believe he has undiagnosed adhd. His 11 year old son is in the process of being diagnosed. My conundrum is, I have real trouble figuring out how much I should be doing in our blended family. How much should my husband be doing for his son himself? And how much should I be helping? 🥴 I want to help him with his issues, but don’t want to be doing things he should be doing and building resentment 🫣

[@hazelambriz6867]

I cannot thank you enough for this , my relationship was on the edge and I didn’t understand my partner 😢 this helped A LOT 🩷