ADHD and Relationships: Let's Be Honest

This week, I address one of the biggest problems in ADHD relationships that no one seems to talk about.
Disclaimer: to be clear, when I talk about the things we do to preserve the dopamine high, I am NOT saying everyone with ADHD does any or all of these. This part of the video is based heavily on my personal experience. Although those of us with ADHD are certainly more prone to boredom and risk-taking behavior, having ADHD is not an indicator of whether or not a person will cheat.
Read more about dopamine!
www.simplywellbeing.com/under-...
Four things ADHD brains can focus on taken from:
Puryear, Douglas A. Your Life Can Be Better, Using Strategies for Adult ADD/ADHD. Mill City Press, Inc. 2012.
www.amazon.com/Your-Better-Usi...
Ask me questions or suggest a topic!
Facebook: / howtoadhd
Twitter: / howtoadhd
CHAPTERS:
00:00 - Topic Intro: ADHD & Relationships!
00:54 - What's Not Often Talked About With ADHD & Relationships?
01:08 - Cool Science Stuff! Why we get bored/disinterested!
02:10 - What Using Relationships For Dopamine Can Look Like
03:20 - Option H: Honesty
04:09 - What can honesty bring?
05:25 - Video Wrap Up & Outro
Music:
“The Future Begins Today”
by Brett Van Donsel
“Resignation“
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
creativecommons.org/licenses/b...
"The Show Must Be Go"
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
creativecommons.org/licenses/b...

[@lauren7376]

That awkward moment where you cry at every one of these videos because you got diagnosed as an adult and so much makes sense now.

[@evansmith7470]

You’re not alone!

[@Mischeelf]

Me right now.

[@eileensnow6153]

I’m seeking a diagnosis right now at 27! Better late than never!

[@Ramirezjocelin95]

Me right now at 25

[@flightlessbird7821]

Right!

[@AuDazzity]

This woman was born to hold an ADHD audience with those hyperfocus-sparking eyes 😍

[@joshuaharding64]

ikr

[@BruceOnder]

Can confirm!

[@m.miller2374]

AuDazzity yeah she said her boyfriends didn’t mind when she forgets appointments and forgets things, I would t either with this cutie.

[@reptiledisfunction9232]

Absolute facts

[@renataalcantara24]

AuDazzity not me 😖

[@Misanthropichell]

Hello, and seriously, Thank You. At 48 I still hadn’t gotten my world sorted out. Classic ADHD symptoms went untreated through college, military, then private sector. Successful self medication (lots of cigarettes and caffeine), a career rife with novelty, chaos, and danger, as well as a steadfast spousal unit filled to the top with patience means I’ve been/had been exceptionally fortunate. Until I retired at 45, I quit nicotine, found myself in a beautiful home, with a lovely wife, a pool, fancy car, etc… no chaos, no novelty, no risk, and was falling apart. The black wall of “get stuff done” had descended leaving me immobile, frozen. Your work here on KZbin of all places may have saved my life and for sure saved my marriage of 26 years. I hadn’t realized how little I’d bothered learning about ADHD and it’s broad spectrum impacts day to day. Most importantly my better half was able to sit with me watch several of your videos, and really start to understand ME better even while I hadn’t figured much out yet. Your charismatic, charming, and intelligent presentation though, stopped me in my tracks long enough to listen and realize that I wasn’t alone, wasn’t failing. I’m still a hot mess, but the darkness has receded, I’m able to focus (as you can see lol), and I’ve been much better and hearing my spouse, being aware of and accepting my own chaos, as well as allowing myself to accept help. That’s huge, and you were the catalyst. Thank you, you’re awesome and you’re helping a lot of people.

[@HowtoADHD]

Oh wow -- you are so very welcome! I don't know what to say! We're so glad that our content has helped not just you but your partner, as well, and thank you for taking the time to share this with us! It's stories like this that really keep us motivated and inspired to keep doing what we're doing... and we're just... we're so honoured that our content has been so helpful for you both! So thank YOU, too. For watching. For listening. For supporting. For commenting. 🧡 It means the world to us.

[@davyalias2987]

Bruh same. ( this was the comment I settled on after typing and erasing at least three separate, entirely too long, and scattered paragraphs.) Amazing story.

[@shreyassundaresan4719]

Sir you are extremely successful ,you served in the military and I have my full respect for you ,you yourself are an inspiration for people with adhd ,respect 🫡

[@pdbsstudios7137]

can you help me to find a job?@@HowtoADHD

[@mackerelle9789]

Not me trying to enlist back in the day thinking it was a way to fix my mysterious undiagnosed ADHD issues 😅

[@seneca312]

I was love-bombed by someone with ADHD and eventually, in what felt like an instant, went from the center of their universe to an afterthought. Struggled for weeks to understand what happened and after seeing this, everything makes sense to me now. So thank you from the other side for explaining it clearly and helping me take things less personally.

[@peachy_talisman]

im incredibly sorry that happened to you

[@hoebertrabeck1621]

you are the real problem in society. you dont care about others. you care about yourself.

[@G__U__T__S]

You don’t know what love-bombing is. Stop mindlessly repeating inaccurate tiktok pop-psy BS like you understand anything.

[@mayguerrero8099]

Run for your life

[@intrigue8664]

Had this happen to me... twice. Two different relationships. Sigh

[@laco403]

I'm ADHD and my husband has Schizophrenia. He has too much Dopamine, I don't have enough. Things are interesting, and we've been married for almost 15 years. We understand each other and read up on each other's diagnoses often to remember what we can do to help. It's a wild, beautiful relationship and I'm so lucky.

[@theannoyingone903]

Laura Comfort Im just curious to ask, don’t you wish sometimes your husband can transfer his dopamine to yours ?

[@danieltarantino988]

schizophrenia isn't caused by high dopamine only. It's much more complex lol.

[@nabilandre]

Damn

[@larendijacosmica]

It helps when both are on the same page... but with a neurotypical partner it get's diiificulttt!!!

[@gustavodelacruz646]

Crazy

[@zeikigai6638]

Anyone gets distracted looking at the comments.

[@kaylirowe1153]

Yes that's me

[@poolmoorang]

XD XD.

[@rahbeeuh]

Every time

[@ohboymegaman1]

*scrolls back up in guilt after reading this*

[@Kelpweed]

Lol hear I am

[@anonymouspanda3379]

I recently got diagnosed with ADHD and I finally got an explanation why I never had a relationship that lasted more than 6 months. I always seek the thrill and excitement of getting to know someone. Stumbled on this video as I'm currently struggling not to dump someone I really like. I'm starting to get bored. I hyperfocused on him for the last 6 months and now I'm losing it.

[@zahrakaled2473]

I only dated mine for less than 2 months 😭

[@BlinkyB23]

Consider also that this is pretty normal in many relationships - once you start settling into some phase of "commitment", some people tend to get scared. Many relationships get "boring" - it's actually ok to be bored sometimes! Look up attachment styles and see if there's anything there that resonates with you :)

[@milascave2]

@@BlinkyB23 , Of course, it's OK to be bored sometimes. Except that not being ok with being bored is part of the definition of ADHD.

[@aliciaweenum1248]

!! I’m with a great guy and I’m soo hyper focused on him. And then add anxiety to that.

[@twerklesss2476]

Sadly that's me right now

[@StoneSoupVideos]

62 years I've dealt with "severe ADHD" and every time I watch one of your vids I just cry. I too wish someone would have told me these things... 4 marriages ago....

[@zsmusic8708]

You're the same age as my dad. I'm so sorry you didn't know growing up. Must of been very rough. It was very rough for me and I was born in '98

[@itsmybuddha.nature]

Turned 63 on the 13th March. 3 marriages later, I'm sitting here alone... well with 7 cats, so I retract that statement. 🤭 For the past 11 hours I've been breaking down 8 boxes, washing dishes, got out the watercolour paints, played with the cats, swept floor 4 times, watched same movies on loop while on KZbin, cleaned out emails.....and several other things. NOT ONE TASK COMPLETED. Not a one. And it took me 1 hour to write this. I'm so tired of it. But at least my 3yr major depression episode finally let up.

[@atuja70]

Stay strong brother

[@chanuppuluri8726]

I wish someone had told me these things my whole life, instead of telling me that it's a problem with my character and I'll always be a bad person that people are just putting up with.

[@ellora107]

felt

[@Griffith307]

That

[@meghansullivan6812]

Yup :) adult diagnosis here

[@abelina3115]

🤧😔

[@Runnerman1]

that hit me.

[@rosisantana9420]

i love how she’s on a blank wall, it helps not get distracted anything around you and focus more on what you are saying

[@linkinlog8543]

Jokes on you I can get distracted by anything

[@Ryosuke1208]

I wasn't even paying attention that there was a wall or that it was blank...

[@mariomaiorano1859]

that's why I'm in the comment section🤠🤠🤠🤠

[@EclipticalSun]

aaaand then the comment section comes along.

[@OPTIMUMELITE]

Be like I GOT DESTRACTED BY THE SHADOW BEHIND HER.

[@user-nc2pw6ul5v]

I’m south korean and I’m living in korea . I don’t know about other nations but here,,, There is a strong negative image of psychiatry in society, so people tend to hide their struggles with mental health and it makes people more harder to get better.. I am a very outspoken person for a “south korean” . I recently found out that i have an adhd . But even for me i am ashamed to say that i have it… I feel so much better when i watch your video and it really helps me understand myself so thank you so much for uploading.,,,,,,🥺

[@nicolewilliams9349]

Being on the opposite end of the relationship (party without ADHD) the relationship really hurt, a Lot! I got tired of the breaking up every time he "found" someone he thought was exciting enough to leave me for, and then coming back after he realized the grass wasn't greener. The cheating, arguing and eventually fighting for "fun", turned into abuse, and I've been abused a lot through out my life and I finally said "Enough is enough". Thank you for this video.

[@MissSarahGM]

HI Nicole, I am sorry you went through that. Have you thought he might be BPD or NPD? My ex boyfriend with ADHD, dumped me, and had also the grass is greener syndrome. He had relationship OCD, obsessing over the relationship, and my "flaws", with compulsions to break up and ask reassurance from parents. It happened very early on. That's why at 39 he never had a real relationship before me.

[@juanjo6507]

This is happening to me now. It really hurts.

[@angelly7353]

I recently found out that I have ADHD and my boyfriend sent me this video bc he said he wanted to learn more about it so we can work through the problems that come along 🥺

[@Kooki_Mawnster]

Oh my!!! What a keeper!!! I hope you guys are happy forever😭🙏

[@barnebyoconnell8176]

That's rare. Sounds good, good luck

[@charchar4276]

That’s so cute. Are you guys still together?

[@angelly7353]

@@charchar4276 yes we are ! (:

[@charchar4276]

@@angelly7353 :D yayyy!

[@ILLRICARDO]

ADHD seems to make me emotionally distant.

[@magdalenadul4971]

Same :(

[@lovingod4ever33]

I am one extreme or the other. Never just a happy medium. I’m either to sentimental and gushy with my feelings to people or I’m completely shut off emotionally from them.

[@metalhead83192]

emotional dysregulation is a big part of ADHD. my SO's family thinks that i have the emotional range of a brick because of it. i'm either "heartless" or punching the fridge..... i've only done that once...but leave one dent, in one appliance that you've paid for and suddenly you're a "psycho that needs to leave"....

[@tinakinz123]

Yeah if the person gets to clingy it freaks me out and I push away...

[@ILLRICARDO]

@@tinakinz123 thank you, I thought I was the only one, I especially get annoyed if they are clingy and controlling, that's when I get angry n tend to offend the, and it's super awkward after that.

[@DennisBjerregaard]

My girlfriend and I both have ADD/ADHD, and honestly have the most amazing relationship! She is the one I truly want to grow old with 🥰

[@PabloZeravla]

my husband and i are still in love, both with add. when alone we are still in love. when we have to manage the kids and managing our business and self care, things get trickier over the years. this video brought tears to my eyes. with so many resources, you may be better equuiped to tackle the future hurdles.

[@LemLems1]

I wish I’d understood earlier in my life that I might be adhd. Nearly every relationship I’ve had has involved me jumping in feet first because I was convinced that this person was The One™️, because I had such strong feelings for them and always wanted be with them. If I’d understood that that was just a dopamine rush I could have saved myself a lot of heartache - because most of them weren’t even good to me, never mind good for me or anything close to being someone I could have a good relationship with.

[@Synchrothron]

I know I'm a year late, but great comment, speaks from my heart. Take care!

[@arp99u]

did u leave them?

[@LemLems1]

@@arp99u yes, in the end, but I think if I’d understood what was going on I wouldn’t have got myself into those situations in the first place.

[@saintessa]

Me too. I've only ever had 2 relationship... first was at 17 (thought they were the one even tho it lasted 6 months)/next I was 20 and been in the same one until now ...32... Honestly, if this one ends or doesn't work out then I'm not doing it again! People stress way too much about being single, like there is something wrong with them if they are alone, or not complete as a person. We need the time to get to know ourselves so we have a solif foundation. Haha, coming from someone whos been in thr same sitch for a decade. I'm not sure. that's just me

[@roseleythelus782]

To me, ADHD gives me problems in almost all my friendships, and its a huge issue, and I always feel like its my fault for what ever ruins my friendship with people.

[@iprobablyforgotsomething]

That may be true about drawing people in but it's simplistic; you can't *willpower* your way into good self esteem. Tackling the problems that create the stress and poor self-image (example : the disorganization, poor planning, etc. executive function issues that are keeping one from successfully holding down a job and paying for their own bills and hobbies) will create an eventual rise in self-esteem. Telling someone - or yourself - to, what amounts to, "just try trying-harder" is to give them "advice" that has no practical value and is doomed to not only have no positive effect but actually has a negative one.

[@Nico-np9bh]

You can’t willpower your way into self esteem but you can try to spend more time for yourself, taking care of yourself and getting to do the things that really matter to you instead of trying to run after a good image of yourself in others. People will find the good in you naturally! If you are more in peace with yourself!

[@Revealingstorm.]

I've lost every single friend I've ever had and it's definitely been my fault. Still hurts though.

[@jonathanarnold5962]

Same here... I never realized how many areas of my life ADHD affects me until I got the Audio book "Taking charge of Adult ADHD by Russell A. Barkley, PHD... BTW.. it's pretty much in ALL Areas...

[@jonathanarnold5962]

Here is the link to Living with Adult ADHD from Audible... a.co/abBqOMr

[@MaddieFrankX]

"Hopefully it resonates with some of you" *Me literally in tears*

[@matthicks3017]

I had the same reaction. I am fortunate to have been married to the same woman for the last 28 years... I don't know how she tolerates me.

[@brandnewpintcracktheseal]

we cry together!

[@AWD_DSM_FTW]

@@matthicks3017 I've been with mine for 9 years of my 29 on the planet. Many people in my life, as well as myself, wonder the same thing. It's because we're AWESOME

[@davidbeaulieu4815]

Me now deppressed.

[@jaemsardine]

i cried too. 🥲

[@TheNinnyfee]

And there's also the problem of dealing with and regulating intense emotions like love. Or hyperfocussing on someone you love and develop abandonment issues. And not understanding the neurotypical adult dating games and being way too honest and open.

[@Treesgiveair]

I can’t even explain how greatful I am for people like this trying to educate others. I was diagnosed with ADHD in second grade and I’m still trying to educate myself for me and so I can more understand others.

[@doop1823]

My girlfriend and I both have ADHD. Let's just say there is never a boring moment 😂

[@greaer0027]

Does it cause frequent fights ?

[@doop1823]

@@greaer0027 hm actually, not often, we don't usually argue much, but it's usually when we forget things a LOT 😅. Another thing is bothering the other when they're hyperfocusing. like I was drawing one day and she wanted to cuddle and I was irritated that she disrupted my focus, but besides that, it's quite fun

[@gameover4580]

Hahahaha

[@zoeywilliams8484]

@@greaer0027 In my relationship it does, but I wouldn't call them fights it's more arguments. Our ADHD exhibits anger issues and RSD, so we do get in fights but we never take it too far. We feel extremely bad after them and go back to each other every time, it doesn't really effect us too much.

[@greaer0027]

@@zoeywilliams8484 Mine escalates and goes too far. Even for very trivial reasons. I feel it might be ADHD with Borderline Personality Disorder. Never had fights like these before with previous relationships. But I'm willing to modify my response to avoid fights. But I realized too late, she already broke it up.

[@ianthemagus]

I never knew we got hyperfocus from deadlines but it makes sense. In high school, literally every project that was assigned two months in advance I didn't start working on until the day before it was due and I still always got an A since I just stayed up all night cranking it out because I was "on a roll".

[@AlexisDimes]

ianthemagus I literally just stayed up 24 hours twice last week to get two different essays done

[@dpilcher]

This was so me and still is at work 😬. It’s so stressful and I can’t seem to break the habit.

[@lozbomb436]

I am doing this as we speak hahaa

[@bouabdellaouibasma4173]

OMG! This me also; I am writing this comment and I have a whole research paper due on Tuesday and I haven’t written a word in it. I am sure I will stay up the whole night today and end up doing a research paper in les than 25 hours. This is so stressful.

[@LiSa-fc5sp]

yeah but sometimes I couldn't complete the task still by the deadline, cause I calculated my time for it wrong. or completed the task without perfect details. but if I started at the right time I could actually do the thing good not just ' done by deadline'. and I had hyperfocus when I was late for school, I ran like crazy to school to be on time. so hyperfocus might be sometimes useful, but if ADHD is rly bad in my experience it's not a way to live at all.

[@DwayneRice58]

I was diagnosed at 5 or 6. I don’t remember this but was told recently by my mother. She said that the doctor told her I’d be fine that as soon as I found an interest. I lived a long time knowing I was different, I had trouble maintaining friendships. In high school I finally decided my purpose in life was to help others cope with people like me. I set a goal early on that I would start a romantic relationship when I was thirty. Problem was that when thirty came, I didn’t know what I was doing. The years passed. Then one day a young girl ran out in front of my car. I saw her looking both ways, something told me to be cautious so I took my foot off the accelerator. The speed limit was thirty five but I was going twenty when she stared to run. She got in front of my car before she realized what she had done. I pressed the brakes as hard as I could. She turned back. She fell but she was no longer directly in front of my car. She was carrying a foam head like the ones used to hold wigs. She shielded herself with. My bumper cover hit the foam head, which in turn hit her in the face. I pulled over and immediately went to help. She was obviously shaken up but the only evidence of injury was that she was bleeding from her mouth. I wanted to make sure she was alright. She pleaded with me to not tell her mom. But I didn’t want to take a chance and told her I was calling 911. I had to convince her that there could be damage that wasn’t immediately visible. I then called her mom after getting the number from her. By now, several witnesses came up and assured me that I did every thing I could do to avoid the accident, that it wasn’t my fault. That didn’t help what I felt, I had caused harm to another person, I was devastated and somewhat in shock myself. When the police fire trucks and ambulance came, I told the police that I was pooling my car off the road and I’d stay in the car until they were ready for my statement. I worked for a top ten insurance company and knew what to do, including not calling the hospital to see how she was doing. This weighed heavy on me and changed my life , not for the better. I was at a movie and there was an accident where someone was run over, I couldn’t take it and walked out, I was at lunch with coworkers and on the way back, a motor cycle ran into the van I was riding in. The cyclist was more embarrassed then injured he picked up his bike and drove away. And I took the rest of the day off. (Trust me, this is going to my first and only romantic relationship.) I needed help and found a psychologist. This helped. After a few sessions he set me with the task of creating a goals list. One of my goals was to have a relationship within the year. I joined match.com and started looking. I had a few dates but got the feeling that the women I was seeing were taking advantage of me and were only interested in my money, none the less, I had some fun but never had a second date. Then I met Mary, she used to be a nurse and was from near to where my mother was raised and the rest of her family still lived. We got along great over email. I asked her out but I had arrived early, I was extremely nervous and decided to have two double scotches to calm my nerves. If I do anything, it’s usually in excess. I thought the date went well even though I monopolized the conversation. When we were leaving, we both said we had fun and we’d do it again. She didn’t return my emails and I didn’t push it. After a week, she wrote me and said she didn’t seam to have the same goals and that she didn’t see us working out. She then followed up and said that she had a coworker that was perfect for me. The only basis I could figure out was that I had a blue point Siamese rescue cat named Riley and she had a golden retriever by the same name. But the name came with the cat and she chose the name. I was terrible to her on the first date. Feeling terrible I called her up and asked to make it up to her. What I found out later is that she only said yes to have a revenge date. But her plan didn’t unfold. I was a perfect gentleman and by the end of the night she knew she was going to marry me. It took me quite a few months before I realized the same. From appearances, she was not someone I would have approached but getting to know her she was the right person we were like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. Tears earlier I read an article about the most romantic man. A lot of thing he did to keep the sparks alive would not go over on Sherry. However , one thing I did take away is that you have to make the choice that you are going to make it work. No matter how they make you feel, you choose to nurture over escalate. Only once in our thirteen years did I lose it. She was not always the easiest person to get along with but made the commitment and we had many good, memorable times together. She passed away last year and I’m lost. She had a $25k insurance policy which we paid funeral expenses the her father and I split the rest. I also had a $30k life insurance from my company. Grief stricken, I spiraled out of control. Within two months I had spent most of it on Amazon,Etsy and Wish. I knew better but always continued to hit “Proceed to checkout”. I knew something was wrong but I was lost. During this time I had gotten interested in dissociate ID syndrome. Just curious and fascinating watching people switch personalities. While looking for videos, KZbin recommended one of yours. It really hit home, things started to make sense. But I still needed a diagnosis. I had a psych evaluation and to my (dismay(?) amazement(?)) I was diagnosed with ADHD and on scale for bipolar and autism. When I first read the results, I thought how could I have ADHD, my results looked like traits I always strived for in life the type of traits that made me an outstanding programmer and recognized by my peers as such. The person providing the 90 minute test said no those were traits that told her I had ADHD. I have to say, you are a God send. I always had a support system growing up. When I was Married, I depended on Sherry for that support. Where I had deficiencies she had strengths and like wise, where she had deficiencies I had strengths. It sounds cliche but we really did complete each other. When she passed I realized that I had come to depend on only her and for the first time in my life I was utterly and completely lost. My family held an intervention for me and now I’m living off a trust with one sister having power of attorney with regard to my health and the other over finances. I get a weekly allowance which is not enough. But being recently retired for health reasons, they want to make sure I don’t run through my pension within a few years. We’re still working through issues but it is a relief to have the financial burdens off my plate. If you’re reading this sentence, God bless you. You saved my life!

[@StephBeezy]

I was recently diagnosed at 25 and this is some of the most eye opening info I’ve come across about ADHD yet. I was beginning to think I just liked falling in love/having ppl fall in love w me, but not being in love. I never understood why as soon as I explored a new person’s mind so deeply and quickly, why out of nowhere I would just start losing interest and started feeling like maintaining the relationship was a chore in plenty of instances. I’m so glad I stumbled across this rather than just going with my own conclusion🙏🏿

[@MateoLiveBett]

I have ADHD but I will never get bored of her eyes

[@andrewlamont9287]

Well that sounds cheerful

[@paraneue3002]

kindof beautiful though, thank you

[@jaycarberry-white6730]

SAME they fascinate me so much

[@notelizabeth7861]

XDDDD

[@sirkarim1111]

me too!!!! And I am gay

[@perry9492]

It is a challenge to stay motivated being ADHD. You run out of things that stimulate you and make you happy.

[@litchtheshinigami8936]

Perry exactly my issue.. the only things that make me happy right now are games.. the regular world just bores me.. however being able to step into a world with spaceships or monsters that are to be slain gives me joy like no other thing can

[@PerfectTrolls]

That's true

[@akepaow]

Me exactly!

[@masojjest]

So true... I literally can’t commit to anything

[@Ryosuke1208]

@@litchtheshinigami8936 Funny, videogames don't amuse me anymore so I have to find hmm challenges outside.

[@DEADLYHOOD]

I wish people could talk more about how you don't know if you like the person or if you like the way they make you feel. It's rare that I get interested in others but once I do I get extremely attached. It's hard for me to differ between feelings of companionship and romantic feelings. I can't always figure out what kind of relationship I want with the other person.

[@sarah_ed9920]

Omg I thought something was wrong with me.... I didn't know it could be related to ADHD. I get bored with men. I had a long term relationship and I would get attached to actors if I watch a series especially and would fall out of love for him. He was so understanding and still loved me and continued to be there for me..... But if course I got attached to someone else and broke up with him but now I understand that he was the best thing for me. I don't know if I could ever get him back but I do regret it. But yes when I'm in love I get attached and like a insecure puppy dog. But eventually it wears off but initially in the relationship I get very needy which laster on I realized that it is a problem... I hate how ADHD can ruin a lot of things for you 😔

[@chantallooyen7210]

My barometer is kinda morbid, but put this deep in your mind when trying to figure it out: how would you feel if they suddenly died and you’d never see them again, never be held by them again, never tell them a new thing you heard

[@HelamanGile]

I like how you talk quickly in your video it's easier to pay attention

[@adacskipper]

I've often wondered if I'm even capable of having a meaningful long term relationship... This video's given me hope. Thank you.

[@mortenlarsen7220]

Honestly what she says isnt just ADHD people its well bascially everyone more or less, alot of people without ADHD gets into relationships because of the new feeling and leaves when everything doesnt feel new and awesome anymore. It is not just you or anyone else in the comment section, such behavouir stems from other issues supposely ive been diagnosed with ADHD yet i can hardly resonate with what is said in the video.

[@BenCarr77]

Persistence, self-awareness and communication!! It can work I promise

[@jamesleach8641]

I’m in the same situation, I’ve nearly had enough problems and failed relationships that I’m going to be alone forever. Sounds dramatic but I can’t take anymore!!

[@monikankanakalita507]

@@mortenlarsen7220 I do agree with the fact that these, and in fact a lot of the traits that ADHD folks have are also what people might experience in general. However, the difference might be in the degree. Again, this is also keeping in mind that even ADHD manifests in a spectrum.

[@mortenlarsen7220]

@@monikankanakalita507 When it comes to relationships the vast majority of people get into one for sake of being in one, because being "alone" is so bad or scary however being alone is actually the point where you will get to know yourself. So many rush into a relationship because with that person its new, and they get that overwhelming feeling of exicment and the moment that wears off they start wondering what are they doing.

[@Syklonus]

I'm single, and I'm single by choice. Every relationship feels stifling to me, and it gets dull very fast. I think it's becasue the "normal" way is to slowly get to a point where you live in each other's pockets, and I just need my own space to indulge in my own stimulations. My last girlfriend decided to stay with me for two weeks, and I felt smothered becasue everything we did was a compromise. Now, that's fine. I honestly don't mind compromise, but I can't do it for extended solid blocks of time. Fast forward to now, and I've been in a casual relationship with a neighbour of mine for 2 years. She has her own life and so do I, and we meet up maybe once a week or so and have a date night. Because we haven't seen each other in a few days there is plenty to talk about and feel stimulated with. The time in between is our own, and it works very well

[@Kynamagic90]

This is avoidant attachment style, not adhd. If your happy with your situation rn and it works, and it works for her then there’s no problem. For me I realised it was, I wanted something deeper, I wanted to connect. I realised I was the common denominator

[@JW-mg1sk]

@Syklone I aspire to this kind of relationship 💘

[@urippe]

Find the right person and grow and learn. Maybe you just have more problems than the average person if I'm being honest. I have or had some big problems that made me date weird. I'm better now though and it's calmed down. I just had to practice a lot on myself and the things in my life. Found someone to help me too at times. But yeah you have to learn and grow yourself. Idk your position but it still looks like there is room for improvement. I mean we're always learning I think

[@chrisbreakingbanks]

Learn about polyamory

[@josephcoon5809]

I’ve been single going on 13 years because I came to the realization that there were things about life that I understood wrongly due to conditioning from childhood. So I stayed single to decondition myself. Now, I would thoroughly enjoy being in a relationship, BUT I do not NEED to be in a relationship. It is a very freeing state of mind where I can firmly establish who I am, and who fits me the best. This means I have very little to change. This means the other person gets exactly what she sees. I have important things to work on, and any would-be partner would have to be interested in building a better world with me. It would be our mutual drive toward the same goal that binds us, and not any fleeting personality trait either of us have. I am prepared to die alone or starting a large family because I can control nobody other than myself.

[@oconfinn5888]

My last relationship just ended 3 days ago. We both started dating way way to quickly. And I think my adhd had a major impact in what caused our downfall. I was starting to get more and more bored and uninterested. And I think she picked up on that, as she started to become uninterested too. When she said she needed a break, I lost it. Now that shes gone, I realize just how much I really did love her and how much i've lost.

[@CharleyChioma]

Sounds so similar to my story. Ended things with my fwb I think the same day your ex broke up with you. It’s nice to see you realize what you lost. Give her some time to heal. 2 weeks or so. And then definitely check in to see if you can mend things. In my case, my healing process allowed me to see that relationship was just not for me.

[@oconfinn5888]

@@CharleyChioma shes with someone else now

[@Random.338]

@@CharleyChioma Fwb never works out. Good for you

[@sebastian3004]

I don't get it. You became bored and uninterested so what's the problem? She became interesting again because she dumped you? So if you guys get back together, how long do you think you will be interested in her?

[@Maincoonlover254]

Are you talking about the "honeymoon" phase? If that's what you're talking about I think it lasts for about 3 to 4 months.

[@stephpick]

This made me cry. My husband had been misdiagnosed at 18 with depression and recently been told at 35 that it is actually adhd. He is waiting for help but struggling and it has affected our relationship/marriage greatly. I admittedly get frustrated with his "bored phases" as he looks to me for solutions but any suggestion i give is wrong. I upsettingly am becoming resentful, despite loving him dearly and think that maybe i should walk away to give him the opportunities to seek a better life that might fit him better, because sometimes its incredibly hard to deal with someone who drains your own mental health and never gives back, even a thank you.

[@froggymadi]

Oh my god. I finally understand. The other day, I was trying to figure out why I would lose interest in people or always be trying so desperately to keep them interested in me, including platonic relationships. My best friend and I were sitting on the floor completely frustrated about it. I was trying to explain my feelings but I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t even know what was going on. We ended up in that conversation for maybe three hours and we cried for probably half of it. I’ve known for a while I have ADD, but never in a million years did I think it would affect my relationships. Today I stumbled upon this video, and every probably ten seconds I’d be saying to myself, “Oh my god. How is this EXACTLY what’s happening to me?” By the end, I understood so much better. I’ve always blamed myself for getting way too attached to, well, EVERYTHING, including people. I’d rush things and suddenly slow them down or get upset when they didn’t keep up. But after watching this, I’ve finally got an answer to why all of my relationships haven’t gone the best. I’m actually about to text my ex and apologize to him. Seriously, I can’t thank you enough, and please keep up the videos.

[@carathelittlewindsong2485]

Same dude i literally burst out in tears

[@litchtheshinigami8936]

unikitty76 meanwhile my ADHD brain doesn’t get attached at all

[@claudiamorales2414]

So a good idea would be start by self-love first...

[@teisotepa1600]

I can't even sit still and complete reading your comment.

[@eviehankins8223]

Ok, fair, and can we also talk about the ADHD + Anxiety issues? Like overthinking everything or hyperfocusibg on issues until you work yourself up. Having challenged emotionally regulating and feeling insecure bc of all these things!! Also I love your videos ♡

[@dangerouskoin4874]

yup I deal with both, and ptsd too. Getting through each day is so challenging! Best wishes to you

[@milo9586]

YES. i feel like im always being annoying :/

[@Angel3243]

That perfectly describes my life. I'm going for help now.

[@icaruspeaches_]

Exactlyyy ADHD, D.I.D., and anxiety is a wonky mix for us for sure. Wishing you luck tho!!!

[@ceilingfan1813]

y e s, I'm sure that would be a good topic and well recieved, I definitely feel that.

[@sheri8048]

I am profoundly grateful for your channel and this community. I finally understand so much about myself. I feel understood and normal. Found the channel yesterday 😊

[@deviantash]

I love your videos so much. Can't express enough how glad I found this channel. I was diagnosed very young but have struggled my entire life, as I was never educated much about this illness. It's wonderful to finally have resource.

[@TheExMuslima]

this made me cry so much...I had no idea how much my ADHD has been affecting my relationships

[@EDKsurly]

me too... :/

[@TheExMuslima]

Hugs

[@EDKsurly]

I need to find a forum to chat with other adhd'ers. It might help...

[@JadeCarter66]

Same here.... This is mind blowing

[@lindawayne3133]

Wow same..

[@kckasem3360]

My partner and I both have Inattentive type ADHD which means we have a great understanding of each other, but also means we're that couple that NEVER shows up on time to anything :P

[@ClaytonCurnowiscool]

KC Kasem this had me laughing out loud but I know exactly what you mean 😂😂

[@TimelessHope]

Oh my gosh, my boyfriend and I are the worst! I totally get you!

[@cloud1036]

KC Kasem lol haha cute

[@amirablue1231]

LMAO love ur comment 😏🤗😏🤗

[@jermainemcclain6017]

KC Kasem glad I don't know you

[@ritsam2001]

Even though this talked about romantic love, I've seen this in friendships too. This video really helps in that aspect. My best friend and I use to meet up every week, but then school and work started again and so we saw less of each other. I started to get bored (mind you this was a few months into being BFF) and I still feel that way sometimes. But talking to her and getting to know and making sure I put effort into into Relationship than I did with previous friendships is helping a great deal. We have been best friends friends 3 years now and honesty in communication is so important to keep the good relationships going.

[@christineriley6928]

I am a parent and cannot thank you enough for this video. Sharing with my son who is struggling with this issue. Thank you!!

[@ebolapie]

i'm afraid of meeting new people because constantly telling myself "no, they do not want to date you" is exhausting and demoralizing

[@marianamartinezjimenez7145]

Yeah

[@Katzenkaiser4]

you are worthy of love believe me. don't hold yourself back from finding luck!

[@lookfortrueonegodinislam.6830]

I do.

[@juliocezarsilva5979]

Pow, right in the kisser!

[@juliocezarsilva5979]

I feel this deeply

[@Softanddramatic]

This just made me realize the “love of my life” was never that and we were never in love. Actually a relief for me.

[@tonyatthebeach]

Hopefully you've realised that being in 'love' is also never that, with anyone

[@artsylady3187]

@@tonyatthebeach why do you say that....I am still IN LOVE with a guy after 18 months .......yes the rush goes away but the LOVE NEVER DIES....at least not in my case....I will love him forever

[@tonyatthebeach]

@@artsylady3187 I'm merely alluding to 'love' being comprised of emotional co-dependency, hormones, fear of being alone etc. I just dont like it being tied up in a pretty litlle bundle, but then again I'm a guy & my cold, analytical approach isn't for everyone. That's not to say that 2 people can't find compromise & co-dependency, perhaps forever.

[@MrDriftwood222]

Spot on! I can't get enough of your videos. They are so refreshing. The understanding is immense and I'm so happy Ive found your content.

[@westman8527]

I was extremely lucky to find my girlfriend, we met in third grade and where friends utill my freshman year/her sophomore year of hs we started dating and it's been great I didn't know if if had adhd until fairly recently but even unaware of it my girlfriend has handled my insane self amazing, of course there have been ups and downs and arguments before but we have always been able to say "I love you" at the end of the day. We will be celebrating out 4 year anniversary in April (lil ways out). Being completely honest with how I felt was the key to a healthy relationship, even if it ment short term sadness/hurtfulness I am so happy I found this girl aaaand I forgot what the point if this comment was

[@Sam-ve4tx]

I wish I could tell my partner this kind of stuff without it sounding like an excuse to him.

[@claram9120]

I just recently found out I have adhd. I tried to explain to my partner the symptoms and how they affect our relationship. He just straight away said I was trying to blame my laziness on adhd. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@christophersheckler4950]

Yes, they always say it's an excuse. I'm now learning to say, No, unfortunately it's a symptom.

[@hobojoe9717]

For you or anyone else reading this, if the person you’re with lacks the empathy necessary to at least try to understand what you’re dealing with, you should not be with that person.

[@tropicaldisaster8135]

THIS. A psych told me there's a high chance I have adhd and I just don't have the money for it. But the symptoms have helped me feel like less of a mistake and I want to open up to my partner about it but I'm so scared that he'll call me lazy. I know they'll understand but I'm still really scared

[@Sam-ve4tx]

@Carl Panzram Something that needs to be understood, I think, is that these aren't issues that can be changed. It's not something that can be removed through character growth, or kicked like a bad habit. The issues that someone with ADHD has are the direct result of wonky brain chemistry. You can't kick these tendencies anymore than a person with dimensia can just *unlearn* dimensia. They will always be part of your makeup. You can learn coping mechanisms to work around them so they don't impact your life as negatively, or you can take medication to try and lessen the symptoms. But ultimately they will always be there. There is no cure for ADHD. That's the difference between a choice and a disability. So some patience from people around the ADHD person is always needed. You don't cure ADHD, you work around it. But it's not a perfect solution.

[@ElliottQuestionMarkOhThatsme]

Me and my boyfriend both have ADHD and this is the longest and healthiest relationship I've ever had, so I think two people who have it both understand each others symptoms and therefore don't get mad at things like forgetting or stressing out

[@Scallopway]

Im same relationship like yours and this helps me calm down after having a mind freak out. If we can last

[@blckroseimmortal]

I was diagnosed a long time ago and my ex was showing strong symptoms of it. The whole ordeal was an absolute dumpster fire.

[@pidera7486]

Saw your ted Talk, and then actually remembered to finally subscribe. I love this channel, and I'm meeting with a doctor on Wednesday to look into getting treatment for my long held diagnosis. This stuff is helping me understand myself on a whole other level.

[@LHP-Engineering]

The more I watch your videos, the more pieces I put together about my life until now. Thank you so much!

[@Coconuty97]

I had a boyfriend years ago who had severe ADHD that damaged our relationship in many ways. This video reminds me of him so much and helps me understand his brain a little bit better.

[@SharifKhan-xq4zg]

You should go back to him. We’re often left alone like a damaged dog

[@Alexander-tu3iv]

@@SharifKhan-xq4zg That's not a reason to get back into the relationship. People with ADHD aren't entitled to a gf/bf. It takes a lot of mental and emotional effort on the part of the person without ADHD to make a relationship like that work, and often it's just not an investment they are willing to make, and that's okay, it can be detrimental to their mental health or they may have other life goals. When you say something like "You should go back to him" you are prioritizing his feelings and needs over hers and that's an unhealthy attitude.

[@SharifKhan-xq4zg]

@@Alexander-tu3iv sorry I was trolling. I didn’t expect to be taken seriously

[@tjsbbi]

@Top Lobster She's responsible for her own happiness first and foremost. As is he of his. Only if she so chooses should she prioritize his happiness. And even then it should be a balance of his and her own.

[@Griffith307]

@@SharifKhan-xq4zg This hit my feels ngl but I try to laugh it off then I get sad again '-'

[@lilz2449]

i got hooked on the dopamine of seeing my boyfriend and we’d see each other every day. now that i don’t, i feel very sad and lost and constantly bored. i haven’t seen him in two weeks, and i feel like it’s doing more harm than good for our relationship on my end of things, im the one who has taken this time apart too personally because to me this feels like rejection :(

[@pumpkinwaffles7569]

nice profile picture of Hobie🥰

[@pumpkinwaffles7569]

btw, how r u two now?

[@gurnerobattlefury2109]

Find a new buddy in the meantime. Lol

[@v_fugu]

@@gurnerobattlefury2109 this! Also, if you're in to video games, I suggest finding a long game to play that's story driven. My boyfriend and I are in a similar situation with him being in college, and I found playing games with intense stories helps fill the time when he's not around and I'm not at work.

[@zahrakaled2473]

I broke up with my bf cause of this

[@kathyasophya77]

This is one of the most self-enlightening videos I've ever seen!!! I'm so grateful for it 🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️

[@ElWarto93]

I recently got diagnosed as a 30 year old and now I understand why I would fall head over heels in love with people I barely knew. Now I am married for 2 years to an amazing and understanding (although sometimes frustrated with certain ADHD traits) wife. That thing of falling in love with a person I barely know still is there but I know that if I would be ever unfaithful to my wife that feeling of shame would outclass the new dopamine hit of cheating with another person. This search for someone new that you described is definitely something I need to address in therapy, which will start soon.

[@GuppyPal]

This actually makes a lot of sense. I have moderate ADHD and frequently find myself feeling bored with relationships and (politely) ending them as a result. It's always felt like I need 10X the stimulation in life as most people.

[@VijetaTantry]

how do you politely end them? I'm wayy too scared about hurting the other person.

[@chris-hq2hd]

Easy. It takes bravery to be honest and upfront and give someone a chance to love forward It is cowardly to lie and deceive and waste someone’s time. They will know. And if they really care about you, knowing but focusing on what you say and ignoring their instincts will hurt them 10x more in the long run. You’re teaching them not to trust themselves, and they have a vested interest in believing you’re right and they’re not paranoid. When eventually you are honest, or they find you’ve been cheating, you’ve added in a much deeper identity crisis and exponentially increasing their recovery time.

[@lunos5026]

NO BECAUSE I FEEL SO MEAN- mine don’t often last longer than a few weeks, i thought i was just rude :,)

[@nathanalves3284]

with this attitude you will end up alone forever

[@lunos5026]

@@nathanalves3284 it’s not conscious choice. literally a mental disorder

[@DillyBoBilly9000]

I cant even begin to elaborate the flood of tears out my eyes, all these years of self torment and emotional sabotage I've gone thru... with each subject you name off the "Oh my gods" became more and more intense. At the moment you said getting bored I knew things were going to get too real to fast... and above all of it, I thank you (this incudes all your other videos) because of you I can finally accept myself better as a person. This is what I was searching for all my life

[@HowtoADHD]

I'm glad it was able to speak to you. It was hard sharing this stuff, especially because I know not every ADHDer is like this, but it was my experience and I wanted to share in case someone else could relate.

[@ClaytonCurnowiscool]

Dylan Grimes i totally feel exactly the same way.. honestly thank you for this video

[@DillyBoBilly9000]

Christopher Spencer thank you thank you good sir :)

[@samedwards6103]

this is like the story of my life lol

[@bethsanchez7137]

U

[@miracleylonfoun1022]

Oh my goodness!! It's just so crazy realizing that the things I've been blaming myself for like thinking about a new friendship all day even when I tried not to, were not me going crazy! Since I've found your channel, so many things make sense and I'm so grateful!

[@emmalineproductions]

Thank You for covering this topic, it’s certainly featured in my relationship (currently separated) and been the core reasoning for our separation. It’s helpful to have context for the behaviours and perhaps some strategies to overcome them. Id love to hear more on relationships specifically if you find the topic ranks high enough.

[@indiestripper5374]

I'm struggling to make my boyfriend understand that my ADHD is more than a quirk

[@wjndowmspwmd]

Indiestripper hope he finally understanda

[@wjndowmspwmd]

Understands

[@Ohyeahyeahcom]

yes g

[@Ohyeahyeahcom]

I would hate not to have ADHD

[@wjndowmspwmd]

Oh yeah yeah. com everything would be easier if you didn't have adhd? Lol. I wish I didn't have adhd.

[@juvycarlabanico9871]

My boyfriend was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a kid and I am still researching about his condition to understand him better. Still together for 5yrs. ☺️

[@funnyvalentine5407]

Juvy Carl Abanico Bless you both

[@luzhuarac8082]

Owww 🥺💚 I’ll like my boyfriend do it the same thing

[@Sweetcakeyum]

That's sweet! I'm still together with my bf for 4 years. I'm not diagnosed but my bf feel I have ADHD, so he ask me to go to doctor so I could see if I have ADHD or not ☺️

[@ashvideoer]

@4 Fs Same bro

[@hillsmagicaltarot2949]

still together?"

[@patrickd7988]

This is some quality advice Jessica! The struggles feel recognizable and the solutions resonate! It's always scary to open up and be your honest self, but I believe honesty always pays up. Love the effort you put into your content, keep it up!

[@Zaynyak51]

Thank you so much for making these videos I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a kid and videos have help me understand myself better and given me the courage to talk to my doctor about it

[@RajaMCool]

ADHD can adversely impact relationships. However, those who continue to stick with us in spite of our condition must really love us.

[@armorsmith43]

RajaMCool uhhhh, thats not a healthy approach to relationships. You are not someone to be merely endured. Someone who really loves you is someone who gets joy from being with you as a whole package-even if that whole package does include some things that require patience.

[@mariaedwards139]

We really do it's not easy, but ah it's our compassion and strength that allows us to press on and be your foundation. Trust me I know what it is to love someone with ADHD. There is alot of tears and frustration repeating yourself but ah I'm very patient.

[@MorgurEdits]

@@vikiqi5309 I understand your frustration, but don't take it against randoms in the internet, not good.

[@vikiqi5309]

MorgurEdits You should check out my comment and those replies to my comment in another video - If more than one person agree with me and stand by my side, then it’s not “random”; it’s common phenomena.

[@genericname8727]

​@@MorgurEdits they’re an ableist troll. Just look at their username. I highly doubt they actually even dated someone with ADHD. They’re just a bigot hoping to upset people. Sad life they must live.

[@MrSaja2019]

This is something I always hated myself for. Getting bored with partners and ending the relationship. I never knew why this happened, just short of a year ago I got diagnosed with adhd and things started to make so much more sense. Hearing you talk about this topic makes me realise I’m not crazy and this problem in/with relationships is a real thing. Thank you.

[@blackswan4486]

Sorry but it's a choice. You can choose not to end the relationship or choose not to call something a relationship if it's based on enjoyment and sparkle rather than companionship and depth.

[@blackswan4486]

Yes you are not crazy. It's worse. You are choosing it. It's an ethical thing.

[@MrSaja2019]

Viki Qi say what xD. You bumped your head or something? Poor lady,

[@vikiqi5309]

Saja2019 you don’t need to bump your head. It’s already damaged.

[@aris1499]

Saja2019 hey, don’t listen to her, she’s obviously upset and projecting her own failed relationship on others. I’m dating someone with ADHD and am here to understand why she does certain things. You don’t need to change who you are. You have self awareness that many people don’t. That’s the first step to building meaningful relationships. Good luck!

[@roritsagae]

I have been struggling my whole life and never gotten to understand what I am going through while always feeling like something is wrong with me. You have really helped me a lot!! ❤️❤️

[@HowtoADHD]

Awwwwww, thank you so much -- not just for the support but for the kind words as well! It means so much to hear that the content continues to be useful and helpful. 🧡

[@pumpkinkarvr]

Oh. My. Gosh. That moment when you hear so many things that you have experienced and struggled with but never could explain to yourself let alone another person. Thank you.

[@johanziersch9230]

I'm wondering if this is me, the being disinterested and getting bored is a huge problem for me and it's really really hard to understand.

[@alstarlight17]

Option D: you are so involved with the dopamine high a certain relationship provides that you end up involving yourself on a very, very, toxic relationship. The toxic relationship system is based on arguing and the dopamine rush of making amends. That dopamine rush feels like first day in love. And it's addictive. Personal experience guys, as ADD person, don't choose someone based on how they spice up your life on ways you didn't expect. Choose someone who makes an effort to understand who you are, helps you, and brings you peace :)

[@ameliap0ndd]

I have BPD. Every man I’ve seen has ended up having ADHD, i find it is happening a little too often to be coincidental

[@ameliap0ndd]

I’m in therapy at the moment and my BP has calmed down A lot but I still ponder over why I can’t seem to attract anyone without ADHD. My behaviours can be very toxic, I hope this is not the only reason why

[@whatsonmymind4848]

Oh damn... I needed to hear that 😳

[@propheticrain-maker1486]

@@ameliap0ndd interesting enough, I have ADHD and my girlfriend has BPD.

[@ameliap0ndd]

@@propheticrain-maker1486 there you go. I will say, people with BP tend to be very intense but we also feel intense feeling of shame, guilt and self hatred in response to not being able to control our emotions. If u want a healthy relationship with her, I recommend looking into BPD, we don’t mean to be toxic and I do genuinely want the best for my partner, just prior to therapy I was unaware of the fact that a lot of what I was doing was very harmful to myself and my relationship. If u can take the time to understand her, and she does the same for you I feel like you can have A very fulfilling relationship that you could not get from neurodivergents

[@connorjohnstone6420]

This is finally made me realise that I have ADHD - everything makes sense now. The constant frustration with relationships, and the switching between being hyperclingy to super detached. I'm also brilliant at things I'm interested in but can barely stare at stuff I find boring Thank you for this! Let's try and find another way to boost that dopamine.

[@ccsmalls393]

This is me as well you’re not along

[@ccsmalls393]

Alone**

[@gabriel.antony3197]

Go to the psychiatrist to get treatment for ADHD.

[@Valentin-oc5nh]

get diagnosed

[@daraquesto2277]

Get a diagnosis is my advice

[@LmaoSandria]

This video answered questions of 9 years of thoughts and guilt ive buried myself in, This . This is PRICELESS, I will be back when I have some money to support. You saved me a ton, and you saved my life and others im sure this way. I will support you guys and the channel till I die, cuz I have lived my whole life thinking it is just me like this and that there were no answers. Thank you

[@SebastiaanVaz]

I am seriously impressed with how well you made these videos already years ago. Not only is your content spot on (it totally made me realize why I am considering myself a dating 'machine') but as an online marketer for 10 years I can wholeheartedly say that you know what you're doing and that you have that perfectionistic intelligence. Everything in your video is good. Both from a marketing and content perspective. Seriously. You make ADHD look amazing (which it is). Very well done.

[@GNAFerreira]

This video was very important for me. I've been hanging out with a girl with ADD for some time, and it's been awesome! She was so fun and engaging, and was SO hooked in me at the beginning. Until after some months I started noticing she would only talk about herself and her problems, and didn't show much interest to know what was going on in my life. What's more, she would take SEVERAL days to read the texts I'd send her, and answer them in a rush. It was a very sharp transition, so I suddenly felt really sad, ignored and not even worthy of her time and attention, until I got to the point where I decided to unfriend her on facebook and instagram, to stop disturbing her. After some time we got in touch again, and I told her what had happened, which was obviously shocking and awkward. Right now, I'm trying to approach her again, with no hopes of ever reaching date-level again, but hopefully at least a friendship. I'd been feeling somewhat worthless and uninteresting ever since, but this video helped me realize that this transition would likely have happened sooner or later, anyway. So I can accept myselft and have better hopes for future relationships. Thank you very much!!

[@questtofreedom]

Im in the exact same boat man everything you said. Very self interested self centered people.

[@steroidxnatural6347]

This makes so much sense

[@AnthonyTett1997]

This stung.

[@ezogh3826]

@@questtofreedom being self-focussed is natural for ADHD brains, they have to make conscious efforts to think about spending time and make plans to spend time with others, but this does not mean they aren’t interested or don’t care. Another aspect of it is if something is out of sight, it’s kinda out of mind. This is not something that can be controlled, but it sure can be managed.

[@golgothasterrified]

​@@questtofreedom I was going to type a whole paragraph in response but i think id better just say you may want to have a little more empathy.

[@polinaroshchina6536]

Hi brains! I was quite scared after watching this video, because my love has ADHD (and i didn't really know him well while watching this). But reality was not that cruel. I could say I don't really see any serious problems in building our relationship. I often forget that he has ADHD, it feels like he just has his own needs and character. The hardest was to ensure myself, that he just sometimes focuses on smth and want to do it withous interruption, and its not because I'm boring or he doesn't love me. After I stopped bothering him with these questions and stopped asking for attention, the things normalized by themselves and sometimes he could come to me and say "I'm sorry, I feel like I paid you little attention today", and my reaction is "O_o ehm, no". Also, because of the quarantine we're staying on a countryside for 2 months by now. And it never gets boring, we do so many different things together everyday. And he always find the way to make it even more fun, usually some contests, gamifications, experiments. He's making my life unusual and happy. The only price I pay is to clean up the mess he usually leave and respect his attention changes :)) So maybe there's someone who is watching this video now for the first time and feeling the same way that I did - don't be scared, it's all gona be allright, if both know about what's happening and how to cope with it! :)

[@antonioblasini8020]

Polina Roshchina thank you.

[@claire2466]

oh my god thats so beautiful thank you

[@polinaroshchina6536]

Claire Im glad you feel relived, cause I needed to hear something like that really much :) try to watch this video together or at least send it to your brain crush and ask how much does it apply on him/her

[@claire2466]

@@polinaroshchina6536 Thank you for your answer☺️ But well... the problem is that i am the brain crush😅im so scared im gonna mess this up. I feel rejected so easily and sometimes something feels wrong even tho we mostly have a great time together and hes so important to me. i dunno what to do😔

[@polinaroshchina6536]

communicate more even when feeling ashamed :) eg. if you're open enough to tell you feel rejected and your partner knows that this is your weak point, he would react with patience and help you to cope with these thoughts (i'm neurotyical and i easily feel rejected, too :)) and my ahdh crush is the one who knows it and he reacts without any agression, so my hysteria is easier to control :D)

[@SJR_Media_Group]

Wow, this was like a breath of fresh air. No clinical babble, just honest real world examples from someone who has ADHD herself. Who do you think knows more about how to cope and live 'normal'? I pick someone who has ADHD and can show positive steps to take that are proven to help. Thank you for producing this video.

[@dathaniel4086]

Holy wow, I have judged myself so harshly for the things you described in this video. It's so valuable to hear and realize that these behaviors were just functions of how my brain works differently! Feeling much more confident approaching future relationships

[@LegionOfWeirdos]

OH MY GOD! 2:01 - For ten years I was EXACTLY like that. TOTAL puppy dog at the beginning of the relationship... not so excited after a couple months. Relationships would always end one of two ways; I would scare them off with the crazy amount of attention in the beginning or they would feel like I stopped liking them or "the spark had gone" when my attention later shifted to other things. I had a very long string of very short relationships before I met my current wife.

[@LegionOfWeirdos]

When I was dating, there was no Tinder... there was Match... same effect but it took longer :)

[@IncogneatoKeen]

If you don't mind me prying into something very personal, what was it that kept you and your wife's relationship sustainable? Was part or all of it due to her being ok with the attention lessening into something more normal? Currently struggling with this same string. I need WISDOM! haha

[@LegionOfWeirdos]

Yeah, she didn't mind the lessening attention, but I think it honestly has to do with her culture. She's from Colombia. In Colombia, at least the part she's from, when a guy wants to date a girl they make a big deal of it... He has to meet the parents before the date, there's much made of it at the beginning, and that even goes for people who've gotten into adult age. So, even though my general attitude was a bit much for a girl here, it was tame compared to all the parent-meeting and serenades and stuff down there. BUT - What really sold her is that I've never been a jealous or bossy type. Colombian men ten to be very machismo. Whenever their girlfriend goes anywhere without them they insist on knowing every detail of everything that happened and especially if there were any other men around. They're suspicious all the time. Then on top of that, she's part Lebanese so she tried dating Arab men. They're typically worse. Right after we started dating, she told me she had planned to go to a Mexican resort with a few of her friends for a week. I basically just said, "Oh, OK. Have fun and I'll see you when you get back." She told me later she found that hugely refreshing.

[@sonicwingnut]

I think not being jealous is a huge help in any relationship. I think a lot of women like confidence in men and being controlling or jealous is really a huge weakness for dudes - it's not displaying power, it's displaying fragility. Being like "oh cool" and showing a bit of trust also makes you look really confident without being arrogant. Plus it's not like ADHD people aren't warm or loving when they need to be either.

[@dgrdst5810]

How did u settle wit Ur current wife

[@ada2314]

I have ADHD and I'm asexual and aromantic, so that solves this problem pretty well

[@jacksonblack9408]

I think you hit B-I-N-G-O with that combo

[@Elianomaly]

Wow you are so blessed!!!

[@moon_child3878]

That's actually very sad and great at the same time. Can't miss things when you don't want them, I'll give you that.

[@Elianomaly]

moon_child Yep, whether something is a blessing or a curse depends on your mindset.

[@PeppySteps]

Well, the issue is not only romantic relationships. It is friendships and family relationships too.

[@tynavarro3523]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I just got out of/still am in a relationship where I was fixed on the dopamine high of being in love and the newness. Unfortunately, it led to a form of infidelity. Now, we are trying to pick up the pieces and I hope that now I will continue to better understand the way my mind works. I just was put back on my medication which has helped a lot. It's not that I can't focus, but I need to be constantly stimulated so I can hyper focus. If it is something I truly am interested in, it's addictive. I was hooked on video games as a kid--the constant dopamine was consuming. Now, looking at my relationship, I have a much better understanding in how to approach things. Thank you for creating this community.

[@DjSpike0341]

This popped up in my feed today. I hadn't found your channel until about a year ago. You look so young! Not that you don't now, you just look really young for how knowledgeable and wise you are, and apparently always have been!

[@mirandalamora474]

This was posted 5 years ago and that’s when I should have watched it... it would have genuinely changed my life. But from this video forth my life is still changing.

[@mobychoc]

Big same

[@LaJoie1987]

When I met my wife it was so different to any other relationship I'd entered into. It wasn't not exciting exactly, but it wasn't super exciting and blowing up (and anxiety inducing), but it felt so incredibly safe and warm and she felt incredibly familiar right from the start. My symptoms still did some damage at times, especially when RSD started but because she felt safe and not only did I respect her but I knew she felt the same. I felt like I could just be honest and honestly... It was a flipping revelation! She is such an incredible person and I am so lucky. I never believed in soul mates but not so much now haha.

[@angelathorpe4834]

I am going through this situation myself i am in a relationship with my bf for 8 months so far and we both already know we want to marry each other at some point !

[@hayleymorgan9278]

Pretty much ditto.

[@angelathorpe4834]

@@hayleymorgan9278 what?

[@hayleymorgan9278]

Hey, ditto means 'the same as '. I was referring to my own relationship and the orginal post.

[@BoyMama87]

Same feeling with my husband too. Been married 9.5 years now. He was my ‘calm’ and different. 💖

[@20storiesunder]

Found this channel recently (currently waiting on a diagnosis) and it's been lovely to watch. Aloooot of what is said resonates with me deeply.

[@ericaelsinoree8469]

Thank you for this. After many relationships breaking apart because I loose interest I thought I was unable to love but now I can understand that what I’ve though was love was just dopamine highs. That mean that there is still hope for me and that is comforting.

[@jillmitchell-holmes4835]

This resonates with me. I am definitely someone who gets bored quickly in relationships; however, I stick around because I still become attached to them and enjoy other parts of the relationship. This has always created one major problem - a drop off of interest in physical intimacy on my part, and my partner feeling left out in the cold. By this point, they are also invested in the relationship and neither of us wants to leave; but the diminishing of physical intimacy makes them feel unloved despite my attempts to show love in other ways, creates anxiety in my partner, and eventually leads to hosts of other problems. It's something I've never figured out how to solve (despite being married now - shocker! - but we're trying to work on this; he knows I'm like this but somedays it doesn't make it any less difficult).

[@bouabdellaouibasma4173]

Jill Mitchell-Holmes we are in the same boat. I am having same prob. With my hubby and he thinks I am not attracted to him any more, but I just don’t feel interested or excited abt it as much as I used to before. This is a huge deal.

[@Anonymous-yx3jf]

I can relate. I have this with friends, but that is actually the same principle. It's so annoying. Like she said you are addicited to the dopamine rush of 'new'. I now consider a friendship. He lives far away from me and there is nothing new going on in our contact in years and there won't be in the next years I guess that we are going to do in common. How do I keep up this relationship? The person in question is a friend for 16 years and it feels so hard to break up the friendship because we have been friends for so long. Does someone have any advice? Like she said in the video you are in the relationship/friendship for the person. Menn I struggle with this. I sleep bad because of it because I hyperfocus on this issue.

[@adamlord2834]

Jill Mitchell-Holmes I have the same issue with my partner and as the speaker said, I pretend it’s perfect because when I don’t and I’m honest they never seem to understand my expressions. So I’m not sure but doing things together and going on dates may help but even then I could get bored again and when it’s not wild like it was at the beginning, it almost feels for me like we’re just friends. Is this all really related to my ADHD??

[@Nahomipm420]

@@adamlord2834 Hello did any of you find out a solution?

[@sarahbenmusic]

@@adamlord2834 exact same thing! I've ended relationships because of that, but surely it's not a solution :(

[@BrianJones-wk8cx]

Okay, the algorithm somehow landed me here, and I’m glad it did. While I arrogantly thought I knew what I needed to know about my ADHD partner, you really spoke to several issues that I didn’t even realize I was allowing to bother me. You have opened up a whole new path to understanding and empathy, thank you so much!

[@kitwillihnganz5972]

I've been with my ADHD partner for 11 years, and I had no idea about half of this. I just watched this woman's ADHD home video and it blew my mind how much like my partner she is. It was spooky! (We even have the same 1970s fake French provencal dresser she has.) Tomorrow I'm going to ask my partner to help me reorganize the kitchen in a way that would allow him to focus better.

[@akai5550]

I am so happy to learn from you. You’re really good at teaching. I am increasingly getting a better understanding of things and get flashbacks to moments that made more sense now that I learned these things. I tried acting or believing it would be gone as I grow older but I was sorely mistaken. Now I am glad I have been naturally doing some psychological tricks and trainings to work with the hand I have been dealt with!

[@user-qt9wt6bc5i]

Wanted to thank you for your great work. Really appreciate what you’re doing for our community. 🙏 sending you good vibes and good wishes.😊

[@breyannaturner5388]

Whenever someone tries to hit me up for a relationship, I immediately get hit with the “I’m gonna eventually have to be emotionally intimate with this person,” train and I immediately yeet myself out of the equation, so problem fixed.

[@RaptorReplays]

yeah, great way to stay away from everyone and self destruct good job! /s

[@honeybeeami2654]

@@RaptorReplays i mean, it’s not an awful idea. At least sounds much better than going through a relationship when you already know how it’ll end

[@ambergray6945]

@@honeybeeami2654 but you don't know how it's going to end no one knows how it's going to end until they do it. taking risks is part of life. even onces we really really really really really really really don't want to

[@BadWolfSilence]

@@RaptorReplays If someone does this, they’re likely struggling with trauma or some other kind of emotional pain. A little understanding and compassion goes a long way.

[@supervegito8340]

I was scared to be in a romantic relationship for so long because it seemed like it would bore me. And the idea always scared me because it could hurt someone else. I’m fine with me being hurt but hurting someone else is something I hate. So I avoided them for a long time.

[@saintessa]

I feel so guilty cause I like my own space and my partner feels like I don't care and then we have issues and I feel afraid to be near them as often

[@andrejw545]

This not does not only apply to this video. But so many more I watched from you. I am glad I found you, Jessica.

[@alexlarson9866]

2016... I wish I would've seen this then. It answers so many questions about a toxic relationship I kept myself in and getting bored after 6 months... I love this channel and every video strikes my core and gives me so many answers I never knew I needed. Thank you so much.

[@smileyhippo106]

I was in a 3 year long relationship that sounded exactly like this. We broke up in August and now I'm getting assessed for adhd, I wish I could go back and tell myself that I wasn't crazy...

[@neuroticnation144]

The one character trait that I can never forgive myself for, finally explained.... thank you.

[@yheti3584]

I’ve been having problems in my relationship lately. It was usually on my end for the cause as well. The problem was I didn’t know what was happening. It felt like I was falling out of love and I can’t express the anguish I felt when I recognized that. This video was such a breakthrough and when you started listing off the letters i almost broke down in the car. Somebody putting these into words and not making me sound like a selfish jerk was one of the most hopeful things I’ve learned in a long time. Im gonna do my best to watch the other videos and follow up on the what they teach me about myself. If you ever by chance read this, thank you so, so much.

[@GaryLiseo]

Honesty is important in any/every relationship… platonic, sexual, personal, professional, etc. This is regardless of having or not having ADHD (or other conditions)

[@knitkat1483]

Yeah, I relate to relationship issues. My first boyfriend thought the most romantic, amazing thing for us to do was go for a long walk around campus and then just... sit quietly on a bench. "Enjoying" each others company. In silence. Looking at a few trees and a mostly empty road. He was so happy I never actually admitted that it was torture for me - I hadn't been diagnosed at this point and I just assumed I was the problem and could learn to enjoy the attention. I'm a bit better at communicating and knowing my preferences now, but to this day I do not enjoy most of the classic romantic dates or gestures - though I still hope someday I'll find a partner who is either okay with that or shares my view, but it's been pretty dismal thus far.

[@xaverelgin8718]

This explains concisely the failure of every relationship iv had.

[@mathisr.44]

Same here

[@anastasinscreed]

This

[@amarachiblossom7412]

thanjk you so much Jess. im in tears. slowly, everyth!ing is beginning to make sense. i wish i heard these earlier but its not late. thank you. i love you.

[@hadenwesley6548]

This is so accurate, and indeed not often talked about. On one hand this stuff is true for everyone, but on the other hand...I guess it's like listening to music versus having your music cranked to 11--the same, but different. We have to work a bit harder and that's ok. People who are worth the effort will meet you halfway anyway

[@bananian]

i don't ever have problem with relationships, but that's because no one wants to date me in the first place.

[@dickhead8538]

😛

[@cloud1036]

bananian same (╥﹏╥)

[@mattias2576]

bananian people do want to date me i just get so exited when in love that i cant control my feelings i get over clingy etc, just this summer this happened and i have just barely gotten over it.

[@StrangeDisposition]

My ex has ADHD and I wish he was this aware of how it affected our relationship because he broke up with me 5 years later. This video made me cry because I still think it could of worked out if he was more aware because I was very patient and willing to work with his issues.

[@winterpagel216]

I've been watching your videos for years with my mom, we're both brains. Our brains and how we think is practically identical (on top of how we also look alike). Now that I'm in a serious relationship with another brain, that is both wildly different yet similar to mine. We've almost been together for 2 years now, we meet just before the pandemic & I asked him out over videocall in lockdown. Even though we both have adhd, it presents very differently in each of us. It's been such a great and challenging experience to navigate together. We're both crazy for each other. It's nice to return back to these videos, to help try to find ways to benefit our relationship & each other. Thank you so much! 😊🥰🧠🧠

[@monikankanakalita507]

This was like a warm blanket. Thank you