Rebuilding Your Relationship after an Affair: Defense Mechanisms of the Unfaithful

For those of us who have been unfaithful, if we are honest with ourselves, we can admit we sometimes lack motivation to pursue help and do the hard work necessary after an affair. We struggle in being honest with others, our partner or spouse, and even ourselves. To avoid owning all of the blame for our affair(s) we will employ ‘defense mechanisms’. These defense mechanisms not only delay our individual and relational healing, they cause more damage to the betrayed party and undermine the entire repair effort. Today you’ll hear Samuel interview frequent guest therapist, Amanda Asproni, and discuss how these defense mechanisms undermine the entire affair recovery process.
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“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
- Amanda, Florida
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

[@FloMorganBuffaloBills]

Thank you so much for this video. I just told my wayward last night that I am sick of all these people giving him yet another reason for your addiction. Not how to fix it. Yes, I am sick of hearing about his inner child. " Talk to your inner child, let him know your parents are dead. He is no longer in danger from them." Talk to him in a calming way. " Stop blaming me for your triggers. Stop blaming me for your affairs. Stop blaming me!

[@samshealingpodcast]

proud of you for being so courageous. thank you for the kind words as well.

[@PJHEATERMAN]

My wife's affair occurred 23 years ago and we had zero therapy because she would not discuss anything about the affair. Well 23 years later i still have occasional PTSD and it affects my marriage to this day.

[@DogGroomer-hd1oj]

I understand that so much. I fear the prospect of of still being affected by the betrayal 20 years from now. It already destroyed my ability to enjoy sex . All I am holding on to is the stability of the children, and the desire to forgive,

[@Bea-Nuh-Luh]

I’m being educated on PISD or PBST..like all of it makes sense…the nightmares the racing heart no sleep like emotionally, physically and physiologically…can all be biproducts of PTSD. It’s been a year since you commented and can’t only hope you’re doing well

[@johnsonjj117]

@@Bea-Nuh-Luh always considered myself a strong man, I’m in a field where I see tragedies daily and I’ve seen some truly horrific stuff, but nothing could even come close to what I felt after my wife’s affair. I completely understand what he means by ruining your sex life. Obvious, emotional and physical intimacy issues were given as reasons for the vulnerability to an affair, but for me, it was impossible to then become physically and emotionally intimate with someone who hurt me like that with little repentance and desire for change. I would literally get out of body experiences during sex, where it looked as if I was In a room, watching her with another man and I was simply unable to shake those images from my mind. I never used to understand people that wanted to commit suicide, but for the first time in my life, I felt a lack of a desire to live. I wouldn’t call it suicidal, but they were points when I truly did not care if my dangerous job killed me, which led me to take very risky behavior at work.

[@keithachrem2872]

You need to bring it up with her you need to insist for your own health insist on it she doesn’t get to decide. Don’t let your underlying fear hold you back

[@terrywade3696]

You packed a lot into this one! I had to watch it twice. Yes, ego protection is a big issue in our recovery. I think you nailed it! I think that’s why our recovery efforts are taking so long (5 years). My unfaithful husband is dragging his feet in understanding that he needs to help me heal and yet keeps avoiding the necessary conversations we need to have.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you for the kind words. I hope it helps you.

[@dennismarkakis1478]

The correct response to your unfaithful spouse who says I wouldn’t have cheated if… Is I wouldn’t have cheated no matter what

[@jerryanddiannedennison5644]

Thank you Samuel for introducing this person's message.

[@c.j.9248]

Yes, my (now ex) wife was all about making excuses that it was my fault for her affair, didn't want to do the hard work in repairing the marital damage she caused, was all about protecting her image with family and friends and didn't care about saving the marriage. Once the affair was exposed, she immediately started bringing up divorce, which she eventually filed for years later once our youngest child graduated high school. She made me the problem, even though I have admitted from Day One of our marriage that I am never going to be a perfect person. Oh well. Her loss, not mine. Only thing that breaks my heart is how it destroyed our family and we have 3 adult children in the ashes.

[@samshealingpodcast]

you can be a vessel of healing in those children my friend and they need to see dad step up, own his new reality and love them regardless. will take time and effort but it's more than possible.

[@c.j.9248]

@@samshealingpodcast thanks, Samuel. One thing I have done is maintain a relationship with my children and I never talk about their mother in our conversations.

[@brightpage1020]

What a team! This video is phenomenal. Thank you. Nice work!

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you

[@goofyjohn6191]

Absolutely NO, NEVER, AINT GOING TO HAPPEN. YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE NO GO AWAY IMMEDIATELY AND FOREVER IT'S TO LATE AFTER TO DICUSS ANYTHING.

[@JAH-iu3yh]

Comments like this Do NOT help those in of us who ARE trying to heal from this.

[@SurvivorRevive]

@@JAH-iu3yh They are entitled to their opinion just the same as you are. They are not obligated to help you fix your issues. I 100% agree with him. I stayed once and suffered through some of the worst, most wasteful years of my life. Don't want to hear the truth? Don't cheat.

[@nt6240]

My ex-partner did a lot of blaming after the second time around. The first time he didn't want to go to therapy. I guess he felt we could handle it ourselves. I was a wreck, remained a wreck for years. This time we went to therapy, but after no time he deemed that it would take too long, I hold on to stuff and that he couldn't talk about it anymore. Of course he has moved on (living) with someone other than the woman who contacted me. I've done Harboring Hope, but some days I still am in disbelief a year later. Your videos helps me to know that I'm not crazy. He did his best to make me feel as though I was kind of making a lot of it, and that I did things wrong as well...still healing.

[@samshealingpodcast]

I'm so sorry my friend. i'm glad harboring hope helped. maybe it's time for a trauma expert to help you work through it?

[@JDMCONNECTIONPR]

Hit the nail on the head with this one!

[@turbo1gts]

My addiction was dead wrong and totally my fault, but it cannot be denied that there were demotivational factors involved in me diving headfirst into the rabbit hole. As good as my wife is and was, we were both in a dysfunctional state. Turns out, I was worse. Sorry honey, my head's out of my a$$ now...

[@blueseptember2174]

What was the turning point for you to become aware?

[@turbo1gts]

@@blueseptember2174 Her leaving me. I had a come (back) to Jesus moment the next morning. God delivered me from porn. Turns out she called five seconds after I got down on my knees and repented. Been clean about 120 days. Now, using the separation to establish good habits and for both of us to heal.

[@timkobe487]

To the way word, thank you for writing what is/was going thru your mind when you chose to cheat on us. I have been betrayed, I'm searching for indications if my wife will ever SEE what she is doing. Turn. And admit and want to restart with us. Or, do I just color her gone, grieve, and move on.

[@turbo1gts]

@@timkobe487 Unfortunately, there seems to be many betrayed spouses mourning the lack of repentance of their unfaithful spouses, and ver few unfaithful spouses repenting. I can't imagine having actual sex with someone else than my wife, and to read about wayward spouses cheating over decades or with multiple partners is just mind blowing especially to continue after being found out. I will say, I have been getting tired of yelling my regrets and apologies up to the balcony of the ivory tower, so she has started to own her part of our marriage. We are going over what we did(and what we want to not do anymore), and owning our stuff together. She has been so good to me. So really, I need to stop calling it her ivory tower because she isn't using it to force me to apologize anymore, just using it to give us space to get better apart and together, and develop new habits.

[@lady1668]

I hope things are progressing in a positive way for the both of you.

[@lorrainem1870]

great video! can you do a video all about remorse? What should it look like? And what should he be doing so i can fall back in love with after destorying my heart? This would be very helpfull thank you

[@timkobe487]

Yes, that would be helpful. Remorse, repentance, regret. And what triggers that to happen. IF it happens. Some sites say it's time. I need to wait 2,3,5,7+ years for them to figure things out. My heart will not survive that many years of sex outside our marriage!

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you for the great suggestion.

[@samshealingpodcast]

here are two older ones I forgot I had made: kzbin.info/www/bejne/h5C9oZqFedOHq5Y kzbin.info/www/bejne/gHObnqWebcyFf5Y

[@puckthisdiscsmith9879]

I had an affair on my partner 4 years ago. She found out 3 years ago. We were trying to heal and recover from my infidelity, when 8 months ago we were in a horrible car accident (hit by a drunk driver) that left me paralyzed chest down. Its added a whole lot more to our already rocky relationship. My partner is taking care of me but i know she is starting to resent me. I feel we need to still recover from my infidelity, but I need so much help like with sitting up or transferring, bathing, someone to cook for me. Its unfair to expect her to take care of me after what ive caused. Im so lost as to how to help her. I feel that this accident has definitely put me in a place where i am at an all time low, emotionally and physically. Its difficult to be there for her or to understand why she isnt nice to me. I know therapy would be so helpful, im just not sure of where to find a decent therapist.

[@pamkerr372]

My friend had a boyfriend who felt it was his right to tell his female friends all their personal issues, usually making her look like she was just jealous and wrong..he did this with his "female friends" as well as strangers. It seems no matter what she said he would not accept any personal responsibility or understood how she felt about him telling other women their personal and private issues and disagreements. He has lied to her many times about his "female friends" and to what extent he has been involved with them.... But this she did say ...he shared a lot of very private and personal things about their relationship. To her it seemed like a betrayal... And he woul also be on dating sites but not tell her. She said she knows she should just leave him for good but he always comes back😢

[@gladysparrilla7995]

What defend mechanism of the unfaithful? They're the one who cheated they're the one who decided to cheat they're the one who destroyed the trust in a marriage they're the one who destroyed the family!!! All they want to do is to apologize and continue as if nothing happened. Being intimate with your spouse is sacred, special, full of love and they done it with an outsider. Then they come home and kiss you without you knowing where that mouth has been, have sex with you cause I don't call it love any more since they give it out freely and the one betrayed has to watch out for their feelings when they were the one who created all this mess!!! I think you should concentrate more on the one who was betrayed because they didn't cause the hurt. And now the betrayed is going through hell because of their decision. Even if they decide to continue together for whatever reason IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

[@DogGroomer-hd1oj]

Or how about that even though we know they had some kinda reason to cheat ....having sex with them afterwards is empty and painful.

[@daleabrams2565]

I watch alot of your videos for help ,What do you do when you are afraid to give your heart back to the person that destroyed it

[@samshealingpodcast]

it's 100% normal. It takes healing, it takes a ton of work, and it takes faith in the process you're using to get there. It won't happen overnight and it's not supposed to. It's totally normal you would feel that way.

[@daleabrams2565]

@@samshealingpodcast I really want to but everytime I start to , I get so many flashes in my head of what has happened any advice to break through that ,

[@Tockohead260]

The second mechanism should have been the first.

[@melodykubiak5850]

Samuel, you look tired or maybe it's allergies? I don't know about pollen trends and the weather in Texas, but here in Minnesota we've had our hard frost to kill the offending plants and are waiting for snow. I don't know if you even get a hard frost there. 😊 Inciteful interview. Take care.

[@samshealingpodcast]

allergies, it was hot as heck in the studio that day and i had some stuff burned off my face by the dermatologist. thanks.

[@melodykubiak5850]

@@samshealingpodcast ~ Sounds challenging for you. I thought if you were tired you would have found the coffee without my suggesting it. 😅

[@MarinaM-o6p]

SEXUAL AND EMOTIONAL BETRAYAL NEVER EVER GOES AWAY ….RESENTMENT STEPTS IN AND THINGS WILL NEVER EVER BE THE SAME …THE ONE WHO BETRED WILL ALWAYS BE JUDJED …IT IS HUMAN BEHAVIOR AFTER ALL …..

[@katsarti9224]

Thankyou💜❤

[@jerryanddiannedennison5644]

Samuel, What is difference in the help that affair recovery provides and the infidelity recovery website provides ? Thanks

[@samshealingpodcast]

hi jerry, i'm not following who you're mentioning besides us. there is affairrecovery.com but not sure what the other site is? our info/articles/groups/resources are all written by therapists who have been through infidelity before personally.