Signs the Unfaithful Isn’t Growing in Repair Work after an Affair

Betrayed partners are constantly looking for safety from the unfaithful partner. But how do you know they are safe and what are a few signs or markers one can look for to determine if they appear serious about their own recovery work? Today Samuel shares a few examples of safety both from his own story as well as almost two decades worth of experience helping those in crisis. While safety is a necessity in post infidelity recovery work it’s not always easy to know who is exhibiting safe behavior and who is exhibiting unsafe behavior. Filled with humor, passion and grit, today’s video reveals signs the unfaithful isn’t quite serious about repair work.
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“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
- Amanda, Florida
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

[@atherisgreen1391]

I've tried 3 years with my cheating wife, this women will never change. She's got excuses for everything, consistent with NOTHING, and I'm tired, We have 4 kids, I've done my best to hang in there for them, to avoid them losing their family and foundation. But it wont happen, 2023 this is over for me. I just cant do it anymore with this women.

[@jhawkins5779]

Makes me sad to read this, however I completely understand. I as the betrayed am at only 3 mo and have had trickling information causing deceit to be a major hurdle and the excuses, defensive attitude I'm receiving is adding insault to injury! I have felt the exact words you have commented. Best of luck to you and your family, prayers!

[@obosumba]

You can heal and get past this.

[@amontii617]

@@jhawkins5779 I think this is the last for me as well. He has every excuse including he must have a dual personality and just doesn't remember. I have died of a 1000 papercuts and just can't do it anymore. I would rather live in poverty than hear another of his lies, see another paper with a woman's name on it or another address to a woman's house. Please let me know how you are doing. I need hope.

[@thescramble4309]

Hope y’all are all doing well and strong . I’ve been dealing with this for 3 months now. This thanksgiving was haaaard having my children alone at my family gathering. But overall if they’re not there with us , what’s the point of forcing or attempting to make someone love us , if in fact they aren’t willing to. It’s hard , but strength comes when you realize this. Just know I know how it feels and it cuts deep.

[@ephapax1]

I understand. Try your best to support your kids through the divorce but this reminds me of my unfaithful wife. Said one thing and did another. She ultimately stayed with her affair partner and we divorced,

[@tryingtosurvive4386]

My unfaithful is in a 12 step SAA program but REFUSES to have a sponsor yet he sponsors others. I find that disturbing. Instead he says, “I have my AA sponsor I turn to.” I think it’s BS. It’s not the same thing. Not the same addiction. Hell, he’s never been honest to his sponsor about all his cheating on me and all his cheating on his ex’s. His AA sponsor hasn’t even been in a relationship in decades. How can he truly help? And just by the sheer fact my unfaithful has cheated in every relationship it’s clear his AA sponsor is not effectively helping him with his cheating. I’m not sure where to go. We’re seemingly doing well but it’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Only now I’m all out of chances.

[@terrywade3696]

Signs you’re not growing: 1) defensiveness 2) excuses 3) alienated (your own comfort is more important) 4) you have to be chased, no initiative 5) find fault with everything (not humble) 6) still hiding things (still evasive, not transparent) 7) not reliable I’m going to add: 8) putting your needs or wants first 9) not initiating the difficult conversations 10) not showing any interest in your partner’s healing or feelings 11) inconsistent behaviors 12) playing the martyr 13) not asking your partner any questions in an effort to learn more about how you damaged them 14) not being inclusive 15) lying to yourself and believing your own lies 16) not challenging your own thoughts to see if they’re true 17) doing everything the same way and expecting a different result 18) not trying to repair your integrity 19) coasting and hoping things get better on their own 20) lack of urgency to win back your spouse 21) not being vulnerable with your spouse by sharing feelings 22) lack of self awareness 23) not showing sincere remorse or compassion 24) acting frustrated because of their inability to trust you 25) treating your betrayed spouse like they’re trying to cause you pain or “turn the knife” by reminding you that all of these actions you’re NOT doing is causing them more pain and that they’ll never get over your betrayal! All of these things show that you are not safe enough for your spouse to heal or trust you anytime soon.

[@nicholesidla6233]

My husband does every one of these things, I am well aware he is not safe or really doing recovery work. He is only willing to do what HE wants to do. He tells me something and I should just believe it. No proof, nothing and if I don't I get the "I knew you would never be able to let this go" talk. I really wish I knew how to get him to actually start recovery work and help both of us get through this but right now I'm on my own. I didn't cheat yet I'm the one listening to all these videos and trying to do the work, alone....

[@coriettapadilla9977]

@Nichole Sidla OH my goodness are we married to the same person?? My husband does the exact same thing. We just has a huge argument last night and I hear all the same shit over and over. I am so tired and I am ready to make a plan to leave.

[@agoodgurl2k]

@@nicholesidla6233 me too. 😪

[@avermontlife]

I think the one that struck me the most was, "turn the knife" because he has literally said those words, literally become the cliche.

[@tryingtosurvive4386]

I get so angry at his acting like he’s the victim because I am not 100 % healed and I can’t forget about his whoring around on me as I battle cancer. Like I’m the mean one because I don’t believe he’s going to be here for me as I continue to fight to stay alive. Like seriously dude you were literally on POF and banging multiple chicks behind my back while I was in treatment for cancer. It’s enough to make me vomit.

[@terrisims9008]

No, money is a legitimate excuse. My husband is a combat veteran. They pay them peanuts, hes at the food bank right now. So yes. Money is stopping us. I'm already going without medical care, we definitely cant afford counseling

[@LaLeoRonroneo]

The man who betrayed our relationship cried about just wanting us to be happy. He had all these red flags, although he did sit down to do the affair recovery boot camp everyday . He resisted healing from his addiction and rebuilding trust. I remember I asked him, “ what should be the consequence if more lies would surface?” And instead of reassuring me that it just would not happen again he said “if I lie to you again you should just leave me.” Sadly, that was his way of saying he was incapable to do better for us. It was weeks later that I reached my limit after a snarky comment about betrayal. I am grateful to have done my work and moved on in integrity best I could two years after the lies were uncovered.

[@AshleyJax]

This is exactly what I’m experiencing with my husband and he’s had multiple affairs and still hasn’t been humbled by his actions or shown true remorse it’s just insults and neglect if I try to get him to even watch a video with me

[@carolynyoung3415]

Questioning if he is still hiding things even if not about the affair are what’s hard for me to let go of. It’s been 3 months since discovery and I feel like we are doing better healing together. The trust or at least the belief in trust is killing me.

[@florencemorgan2674]

2 years and 4 months, he still lies or omits stuff. It takes to many years.

[@samshealingpodcast]

it's a difficult process for sure. give yourself huge amounts of compassion as three months isn't much time at all my friend. this article on trust may help you as well: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust

[@LeNoTyCh]

5 months for me. He works with the affair partner and she still works "for" him. He blocked her phone initially but has unblocked her. I know that it may be work related communication but it's so, so hard to swallow that pill. It's hard enough that she's still in "our" lives as I am trying to trust him again. Now, I find that her number is unblocked. These videos help me tremendously.

[@Atarahkingseal]

Thanks Samuel. I immediately checked for a response from you as I am still struggling with my malignant narcissist husband who also has XYY, Jacob's syndrome.... 15+ years together (married 15) and me becoming disabled a few years ago on top of our special needs child, it is not possible to separate completely... I forced him out a few months ago at least, so he was forced to get his own place and I allow him to come help with house upkeep and stuff as visits with our daughter. But because he is still soooo bound up and albeit the physical abuse has a bold boundary now, I find myself just praying for God to heal me miraculously so I can permanently sever and remain a single mother betrothed to the Lord where we're safe.....

[@kripaanish7969]

It's been 11 months since discovery, yet every sec i feel like happened just now....terrible reminders and traumatic thoughts hunt me...broken down completely...betrayal is the deadliest pain in this planet....

[@RvRestoration]

Yup super defensive because he never stops talking to other women on multiple apps, church, wherever and lies about it with sheer hate and defensiveness, never does what he says but wants to be treated like he is but doesnt even try. SUPER defensive over anything and everything then comes the silent treatment and more women. ALLLL THE TIME. Leaving doesn't work he just uses that to say well you left. Nothing works for people like this

[@jhawkins5779]

Thanks Sam, I just Talked to Tony on Wednesday and 6 of these are the exact issues I've run into as a betrayed from my unfaithful partner, stuck and frustrated I remain... Hoping EMSO will break thru the issues. Your video's are spot on ever topic, I've watched about 60 of your videos. Sooo helpful and I am extremely thankful for this program. You all have helped me as a betrayed of 25yr marriage more than words can express. ❤🧡💜

[@1clay_vessel]

Thank you for the information. Not sure I agree about the group settings. I think some need 1:1 group seem to be like putting a bunch of criminals together. Still not understanding taking responsibility. I chose to cheat because your actions made me. Is still a HUGE lack of maturity. It’s quite sad, for the person doing the behaviors, but also for the person who wants to have a healthy relationship.

[@TX-oo2rn]

More great info.. Really appreciate your information and your delivery is personal. Sadly I am venturing down this path, but so glad to have found you. Keep up the good work.

[@samshealingpodcast]

means so much. thank you my friend.

[@annagriffith110]

I’m at a low point. I have forgiven my spouse, I’ve taken the responsibility for the things I have done wrong,ive corrected behavior i know he hates. I felt that after 48 years i had to try. He finds fault & blame no matter what I do. It’s very depressing. He gets so angry, I would do anything to get away from the anger , the dehumanizing blame , the knowledge that after doing every thing I can do, it isn’t enough. It will never be enough. There is no escape.

[@mfar3016]

1-defensiveness 2-lack of urgency 3-perpetually making excuses 4-alienation (of therapist/the group setting/etc) placing comfort over healing 5-must be chased to do the work (read the books, attend sessions, etc) 6-finding fault with all the help available & everyone around 7-still hiding things & being dishonest 8-unreliable

[@robertmullen4521]

Thank you Sam for another great video. I look forward to each Thursday morning for these new and helpful words of wisdom. I appreciate the time and effort that goes into them. Great topic today. We're still here, pretending together, 1947 days since D-Day. The boys are growing up so fast, and doing great at school and karate. I hope you enjoy a great Christmas. Thanks for all you do.

[@samshealingpodcast]

kind of you Robert. thank you for the encouragement. I hope you can have a great Christmas as well. one day at a time. i know it's hard but it's worth it and you're worth it.

[@agoodgurl2k]

I totally understand the "pretending".

[@annagriffith110]

It drives me crazy that he is happy? I feel destroyed. I am making all the effort & changes. He just keeps saying what do you want me to do ? ME: go to counseling! He will only go to a female counselor. Men are too hard on him! I don’t see any real effort? I have made serious change & effort to change what he hates. He is trying not to be angry all the time?🙄 i have access to his phone & computer, where he met & talked abt his sexual abilities & what he would do to the very tall & slender beautiful women who he wants to lick (eweI can’t tell if he is really remorseful? I hate he is happy. I’ve gone to 2 diff. Therapist, a hypnotherapist & another. 3 diff doc’s making sure if there is something wrong I know what it is. Mine is a twisted story I think. This is the first time in our relationship I know of an affair. At least 3 prostitutes prob more. He calls them hook ups he insists they are not prostitutes. But he pays them 200.00 to 500.00 dollars. I don’t see this agony ending.

[@kevinkennett7474]

Almost 3 years out, and my UW failed in all of these scenarios. I was losing hope, but now I know there is no hope for us.

[@wm7929]

Kevin: In my men's support group most of our UW are like this. You are in very common company. I gave up hope for "us" a while ago, and replaced it with hope for "me." I discovered I simply cannot be in a marriage where there is rugsweeping. It's as simple as that. The rest is just planning and timing, like any major life change.

[@rocki__maa7549]

I have even thanked him for the few times he stayed when I mention I’m not okay or I’m getting triggered and it went well, but then when truth gets revealed he acts like that isn’t a punch to the gut and just drags me back into the hell I was going through, making me feel so defeated and exhausted and back finding there is still so much not to trust still.

[@rbee2150]

Laughing and shaking my head.. My ex-husband hit every single marker for years! Years later, I am married to an incredibly good and kind man of God, and my family is still hoping and praying for the return of my psychopathic ex because apparently having a divorced daughter is the worst thing that can happen 😅

[@jamesmcginn4664]

Im doing work we did free bootcamp. Im eager to watch videos or readings but when she rages i get stonewall then get defensive. Even when i try not to be defensive im defensive i dont know what to do.

[@dv8kiwi]

Im sending too many videos, im overloading him, i can go do the counselling.. he will join later (he cheated), beg for cuddles, too hit, Ill come into bed later... doesnt, still sleeps in spare room... so so tired of breadcrumbs

[@turbo1gts]

Samuel you have been invaluable in my and my wife's rebuilding effort. One thing I realize now is that the unfaithful/betrayed dynamic applies to all of our other marriage problems besides my addiction. I haven't commented on here for a few weeks because we have been so busy owning our s&$t together. Almost six months into separation, we now know we will be back together after the kids are done with this school year. Surrender the ego and give it to God, whichever role you are in. It's working for us, praise Him.

[@samshealingpodcast]

so honored and thankful i've been able to play a role in your healing. thank you for the kind words and welcome back. love hearing from you. keep going my friend. it's worth it all.

[@brightpage1020]

Such an interesting insight about the dynamic playing out in other ways. Thank you for sharing. Opened my mind to a perspective that never would have occurred to me. Thanks. Glad your situation is getting better and you’re doing better.

[@ashenmirage50]

I too have tried for 3 years after my UW had a 3 year affair. Unfortunately I had the extremely bad luck of actually seeing it, since they had a compulsion to record it. I can now see there is no hope. I have tried everything to change my reaction, response, the way I communicate. And realized I was doing all the changing. She still reached out multiple times. Lies about absolutely everything. Makes excuses for the lack of effort and interest. No remorse. I think I got one apology and a few”get over it”. So bad now there is hardly any civil communication. Plus I think she’s doing it again. And still doesn’t have the balls to just say she doesn’t want to be married to me. I think she enjoys watching me break. Well She broke me. I don’t even know who I was before this. I am withdrawn, depressed, antisocial, miserable. Everything I worked so hard for is gone. I don’t know how I’m going to snap out of it to fight for my kids to have a father. I feel like I’m chained to a tree.

[@sweetpea7362]

Im so sorry to hear this. Being lied to and cheated on in a marriage sucks. Start putting all your energy you are placing toward her to yourself and analyze what needs she meets for you. For myself I’m working on abandonment wounds I have from my childhood and my self esteem with my therapist so I can get the strengthen to leave. Start with small things and built your strength. Best of luck to us all.

[@katsarti9224]

Thankyou Sam....It's almost as if you looked into my situation with a magnifying glass. 2 plus years after original D day......torturous.💝

[@samshealingpodcast]

I get it....I really go. I'm sorry it's so hard. But I'm proud of your courage and your desire to stay kind, despite the hell you're walking through.

[@katsarti9224]

@@samshealingpodcast Thanks Sam...I wont let his inaction turn me into some bitter mess! You take care....and habe a safe holiday.❣️

[@dv8kiwi]

Yep, 1001 excuses, I call him the excuse man

[@ファミリーフォーラムジャパン]

My spouse Was in contact with an old boyfriend repeatedly, breaking promises and lying about it. She would apologize, but then in therapy would insist she had done nothing wrong (I.e because the interaction with him had not been sexual). Fudging on apologies is a clear sign of a vacillating attitude toward recovery.

[@Stay_true22]

What if they are foing the work to trust again. But not romantic? In a womans perspective, cheating makes us feel like they dont love us. So romance is important to show they do want their wife. What does this mean?

[@tylerbarnett5729]

What if they are watching these videos but it doesn’t truly feel like they are listening

[@tyedyefire1]

Don't want to put personal stuff in a comment section, but I need help. Please reach out if you have a moment to help answer a question.

[@rajeshbajaj2505]

11:37 your marker’s are so to the point. Thanks for sharing such great info.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you for the kind words and support.

[@bettyk3372]

❤❤❤

[@jarrileighton922]

I would take this very seriously

[@rocki__maa7549]

What if they delayed and avoided doing the work for so long that you feel like you’ve checked out and feel worthless because you had to keep begging. He’s admitted he hasn’t done the work because we are at conflict. Conflict being me recognizing the behaviors and attitude and treatment that led to him being capable of being who they were to me, I had calmly addressed it but he shuts down and then I spiral 🤦🏻‍♀️ as you’d imagine I’m blamed For it all.