When I’m Sorry Isn’t Enough: How to Embrace the Consequences of Our Infidelity

Today Samuel discusses how to embrace the consequences of our choices with honor and safety for the betrayed spouse.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

[@mweathers79]

When I’m busy with work, gym, hobbies…I’m usually pretty good. Once I’m “alone” with my thoughts, it’s like a shadow that creeps over me. It’s always there, just out of sight, but always there.

[@NavyDave219]

Brother I know this all to well, I drive for a living. I think the whole shift.

[@CHICKENLIFE336]

How long have you been in it? Is it getting any better?

[@thescramble4309]

Same here my guy. My wife’s never even told me she’s sorry, she claims I knew and I didn’t change my behaviors so it’s more or less “my fault”.

[@Ash.Crow.Goddess]

Same for me.

[@ZephyrsZenZone]

Even when my cheater husband is around me, I’m ok. Once he’s away, i lose my mind and all negative thoughts invade my mind

[@DanaD-er8dn]

Thank you. The cheater constantly minimizing the IMPACT of their actions and demanding an immediate restored relationship and sex because their sorry is ridiculous and narcissistic.

[@JohnnyJitsu11]

#facts

[@themountainsandthesea4121]

yes,the minimizing is what kills me. it's like everyone else's feelings matter except mine.

[@janellwilliams4228]

Exactly!

[@ichoozjc]

Preach!

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

I got a lot of minimizing the first few months. I didn't know to do anything but rage and shame, and even if I had been on here sooner, still probably couldn't have managed any better. He was sneaking in seeing her for the first few months, and minimizing was easy since it never went sexual. There's been years of porn though, which numbs them and breaks intimacy bonds. Past couple of months are better. The few weeks we've both been watching these have made a big difference. We could never talk and this is helping us talk and hear each other better. I hope you can get them on here. The attitude has to be at least contrite enough to know they need help and to own things enough. From there, it gets much better.

[@fidelinafranco2144]

Omg I need to hear this my heart has been broken in to a million pieces and some days I don’t know how I can go through the day with all this pain in my heart thank for this video ❤️

[@witch6in6the6womb]

I am going through the same thing. Two weeks in and the pain is a little less. We can't let this break us.

[@fidelinafranco2144]

@@witch6in6the6womb thank you so much for your words of encouragement I hope your days get better as well you are so right we can not let this break us I 🙏🙏 that we will come out stronger on the other side❤️

[@JohnnyJitsu11]

Wishing you healthy healing and good energy.

[@nbabombshell]

10 months in and all I can tell you is that is gets easier . Focus on your work , on healing . I know it sounds impossible but fight through the pain and it will be worth it .

[@daniellbuckley4573]

Unfortunately, even through counseling my pain still hits me exactly the same three years later. But the good news is, it’s lessened as long as I’m not thinking about it or dwelling on it. It also helps that my partner is remorseful and is willing to do whatever it takes to help heal my pain…..I wish y’all the best and hope it gets better for you.

[@JohnnyJitsu11]

You hit the nail on the head on how I as the betrayed feel, and exact emotions towards the unfaithful.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you so much for commenting and validating the information.

[@r8drnation677]

Another excellent video that makes me uncomfortable because I see myself doing these things. I want to become a better person and then be a better husband. My wife deserves this and so do I. I deserve to be a better person.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you my friend. you can do this, you can do the work you need to do. that i promise you

[@JohnnyJitsu11]

Wishing you both healthy healing.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

Truly wanting to be a better person and make better choices is a great beginning to achieving that.

[@pumpkinpied4418]

are you better now?

[@roroo]

how are you now

[@camilleandronache6516]

Yes! Yes! This is the BEST of yours! But my unfaithful will NOT listen, read or talk about the total disaster that he created. He apologized and he said that he is sorry and NOW he just doesn’t understand why we don’t move forward and be HAPPY!

[@themountainsandthesea4121]

very relatable.

[@samshealingpodcast]

im sorry, expert third party help is the way to go. will he do anything or get any help with you from an outside source?

[@sharonldavis63]

Same here. Now I have to deal on my own. He walks around like all is well

[@SirFrancescoGalli]

This is golden information but it relies on a fallacious premise: that the unfaithful turns off their pride to self-critique. I’ve hardly seen this happen. Having said that, my ex-wife’s profile was exactly the one you portrayed, i.e. too enmeshed in her affair to even ask herself why I reacted the way I did. She said she felt unsafe around me without ever wondering if what she had done was the reason why I felt unsafe indeed. But then again, a narcissist doesn’t change.

[@samshealingpodcast]

with respect, fact is, that was your situation not every other situation. while that is awful and unacceptable and while i'm truly sorry for it, it's not every situation. many choose to deal with their pride....but not everyone does that's for sure. a true narcissist doesn't want to change you are right. those with narcissistic traits can change and can make huge adjustments, IF they want to. i'm sorry for your pain and agony, i know it's awful and i hope you can find healing and joy again.

[@jackmeikle2018]

Thank you so much. I am an unfaithful. I am no good to my family dead. I want to help my betrayed heal from my terrible choices and I want to heal so I can take care of them whether it is together or apart.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you. get expert help my friend. do the work you need to do. get up, and get moving.

[@blueseptember2174]

My husband ( betrayer) says he wants to be there for us too wether together or apart. What I feel he doesn't get is, my life ( whether he helps or not) sucks now and will be filled with trauma and anxiety forever. While he gets to feel good for "taking care of us".

[@leftfinned]

@@blueseptember2174 i agrée. Gets to do 1/100th the actual heavy lifting of parenting, and getting to be what i call “Disneyland dad”. I wish he even cared… he’ll never find his way to this or any video. Or anything. He feels justified while i pick up what’s left AND raise the children. The thing I find comfort in, are the random late night silly moments, or random conversations as they learn who they are as people…. Because he misses that stuff. And that’s sad for everyone. He’s happy to miss it though. That’s the really sad part. I would take all the not so pretty moments of parenting everyday over missing a single moment. Being blindsided was so awful. 7 days before our 14th wedding anniversary 💔

[@jerryanddiannedennison5644]

​@Left Finned, I am praying for you and your family. Unfortunately that's the case with many men and women. I wonder how they did not get the knowledge that what you have is what life is all about. I pray to God that this can change for them and us. You be strong, keep up the good fight.

[@kristenfuller9168]

Unfortunately we all make mistakes in life. We learn from it.

[@mickiehowarth1854]

This is EXACTLY what I've been trying to get across to my betraying husband for nearly 4 years. That you Sam! Since he doesn't want to take me seriously and he wants to hear other people and not me, maybe he'll listen to you. " You should be happy that I'm finally apologizing".

[@samshealingpodcast]

yah i'm sorry that's awful. it's going to come with expert, objective third party help. have you considered getting help through any of our resources? that may be what gets through to him.

[@lorimaye8064]

Thank you for this video I have recently divorced after 35 years of marriage my husband cheated on me when we were in our twenties and never did things that he promised to do for our relationship so now I'm going through the healing process once again thank you

[@laniec.f.2531]

That's a tough road, and I hope you find some peace.

[@jenniferkmulcahy]

Thank you so much, Samuel!!!! We need this right now. You’re one of our biggest blessings and we send our love.

[@samshealingpodcast]

awe means so much. thank you for the kind words. means more than you know.

[@florencemorgan2674]

I as the betrayed was flooding with triggers and anger. I made almost 8 to 9 hour's in my house hell. When I got it out, I felt better, but I hurt so many with the hell my outburst caused. I explained I needed to get it all out. Then I asked for forgiveness for my angry outburst. I didn't ask for forgiveness for being triggered. Just for letting it come out in anger.

[@DanaD-er8dn]

Anger is normal ❤

[@themountainsandthesea4121]

@@DanaD-er8dn yep ,and deep sadness,too.

[@edinne24]

Bless you for this message. Thank you and thank you again!! 🙏🏻

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you for commenting my friend. means a ton.

[@matrix5175]

This video is excellent! Thank you!

[@jeffchimienti4416]

I imagine this goes for abuse as well. During our last fight I lost control and was physically abusive. Understandably things ended right then and there. Up until things were ok, I do believe we still loved eachother, I have apologized several times but man, I am having a hell of a time forgiving myself and moving on. I just want to make it right but that ship has sailed, she has moved on. I definitely have owned what I did but I am sooooo stuck. Sorry is never enough in those cases and I just can’t believe I did what I did. Ugh.

[@jerryanddiannedennison5644]

Remember that if you don't get expert help for being physically and emotionally abusive, then those loss of control times will become a norm for you. That will ruin yours and the life of whomever is in your life. God bless you for being strong enough to admit this.

[@Durhamcricket543]

After 3 1/2 years of chemo for terminal cancer, which I am now in remission for, I find that my husband of 27 years is having an affair. This affair was with someone who was supposed to be my friend! After watching me suffer, go through surgeries and FIGHT to live, all he could think about was his narcissistic self. This was not his first rodeo. He went to a bar EVERY NIGHT. On one particular night, he came home and beat me…….. when he raised his hands to me, it was OVER. Maybe the infidelity is forgivable, but at NO time is raising your hand and hurting her. Personally, I could handle the cancer diagnosis better than the abuse and infidelity. Even being with this man for 30 years, at that point, our lives together were over. I would never be able to forgive him. I hope that you get the help you will need to go forward. Therapy is essential to live through this trauma.

[@stephanapatterson6319]

Thank you so much Sam, you make me feel less crazy, which he accuses me of all. the. time. Thank you Thank you thank you.

[@PJHEATERMAN]

I barely got an apology. She lacks empathy and it made saving my marriage very difficult.

[@samanthaj7799]

You hit the nail on the head with this one Sam! Thank you for your work. Your videos have gotten me through some pretty dark days. The way that you are able to find the words to explain exactly how I’m feeling, has helped me more than you’ll ever know. Blessings and cheers! 🥃

[@samshealingpodcast]

i'm so glad and i'm honored to help in some small way. it means everything that i can be of help and put words to your feelings. thank you for watching and commenting.

[@HectorJohnson-bz8tb]

Thank you so much for this.

[@breederman86]

Nice video.

[@user-nd6xn5cr8s]

You nailed it!

[@beckychave]

Thank You 🙏

[@destafrancis-salazar7917]

Thank you

[@tracygallagher6716]

Sam .thank you

[@jso9116]

My unfaithful is unwilling to do anything I need to help me trust him. It’s so hard.

[@saram2505]

Mine too. You aren't alone.

[@themountainsandthesea4121]

been there. you are not alone.

[@samshealingpodcast]

i'm so sorry. have you considered an ultimatum or anything along those lines?

[@jso9116]

I have, I’ve asked him to take passwords off his phone, laptop, sell our other home when he took these women and/or let me see bank statements. He’s not willing to do any of these or meet in the middle 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@johannaco.5331]

I work 24hr shifts as a flight nurse. I came home one night and found my husband and a girl named in my living room. Kicked him out and filed for divorce. It’s been a year and he’s back 😤🙄. He keeps crying and saying how sorry he is. He set up cameras all over the house for me to check…. I don’t know how to return to having feelings for him. I just don’t know

[@donnasimmons2241]

You have so many good videos, but there's one area that you, or anyone else, never covers. It is so important to stress to the unfaithful NOT to repeat the same offence. All the videos seem to assume that the toxic behavior has stopped by the cheater. Someone other than the betrayed spouse need to stress how important it is to become a man of integrity. Please start making this point in some of your videos. God bless you.

[@_.crisis._rod5085]

Around 9:10 of this video it really hit hard

[@kristenfuller9168]

Apparently my former partner was unfaithful looking at woman on Twitter with their clothes off. My guts told me I was possibly being cheated on. But sadly don't he was really sorry apologized to me 😔 the only thing he said is I still love you. Are we good yet that's what he said. He can't just expect me to trust him that fast I have trust issues I told him I have trust. I watched your whole video. And he literally said the same thing. I said I was sorry are we good now I feel like he was rushing and rushing me back into that relationship

[@josh10002]

Who would downvote this?

[@susiebennington5482]

My question is how long do you give them until they don’t take responsibility and blame you for their affair. They say that they’re sorry, but they say it to shut me up. No action after the apology. How long do you get them?

[@brendandorfling6362]

I wrote a long comment, giving more detail, but it got deleted? Please do a video on any experience you may have of both spouse's cheating. Especially where 1 spouse has done way 'worse' than the other. Is that even a factor when any kind of affair is horrific? And I'm not talking about a revenge affair. Keen to hear your thoughts as we so value your work.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you so much for commenting and watching. i'm sorry your comment was deleted. not sure why. let me work on it. i appreciate the suggestion my friend.

[@vynellajacobs8627]

Hello I am dealing with new to this cheating stuff. I just found out that I'm getting cheated on and I would love to get more information on how to start to learn more and. Stop crying and begging for more information on this topic and to stop trying to beg him bk. I need help

[@michelleesmith5137]

❣

[@chadtoscano9168]

I think to see the consequences as "opportunities" instead of punishments is a good place to start. Opportunities to rebuild and help your partner heal and not seeing your partner as wanting you to suffer long term. Oh and by the way, if you saw it like that there would probably be less consequences anyway...

[@skellingtonmeteoryballoon]

some of these infidelity and ongoing indignations are actually blessings in disguise. Rose color glasses could be triple thick lens and can still recognize this species from a safe distance.

[@arthurbalcita4851]

What if after they apologized,they keep cheating again? How can you make sense of that and not be destroyed by repeated abuse? By Amelia

[@samshealingpodcast]

i'm so sorry. that's awful. have they had any help at all and are they open to any help? are they an addict or have they been assessed for addiction? maybe they can change, if they want to. maybe the right help will create space for them and you to heal and for them to stop acting out.