A HFY Story : Decaf & Dont say Human | Best of r/HFY | 2084~ Deathworld, War, Terran & Humans

[@jankostrhun8725]

If there was ever a valid reason for declaration of interstellar war, introduction of decaf sure is pretty high on that klist.

[@vinnyganzano1930]

If someone told me I could only have decaf I'd just go on a killing spree within in a few days.

[@loganshaw4527]

Well it stopped that odd exploding form od.

[@silvadelshaladin]

You DON'T just give aliens decaf, you lower the caffeine slowly. Start with 75% and get them down to say 30% eventually.

[@GeorgeOrwell-yz6zx]

Decaf still has caffeine and I think it could be lab produced but it still makes a good story

[@jankostrhun8725]

​@@GeorgeOrwell-yz6zx Decaf is disgusting.

[@Maddog3060]

Story 1: "Why is your planet such a source of horrible addictive substances?!" Human: "I guess we're just special that way. More coffee?" Xeno: "YES!" Story 2: Ah yes, that moment of dawning comprehension when you realize the most insane species in the galaxy now has access to the full resources of a star system.

[@hamsta11]

and those xenos haven't even gotten to soda or red bull or monster yet

[@light-.-]

@@hamsta11 MCDonalds-

[@Sol-bane_of_corruption]

And is now pissed

[@garygough6905]

There is no such thing as strong coffee, only weak people.

[@vinnyganzano1930]

Strong coffee isn't strong enough😢 Give me whisky, neat 12year old single malt at least😁🥃🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🇬🇧👍

[@garygough6905]

@@vinnyganzano1930 There is a product, a bit mild but just increase the volume. Jameson cold brew. Irish whiskey with cold brew coffee. ( I am not in any way affiliated with the company ) It's a balanced approach to mixed stimulants and depressants and tastes good too.

[@robertschumacher2707]

@@garygough6905 Isometric intoxication.

[@garygough6905]

@@robertschumacher2707 🤔 I wonder if that is the root for the "Isotonic beverages" in Iran.

[@Dr.Westside]

​@@vinnyganzano1930whiskey is still weak . Moonshine is where it's at .

[@TheyCalledMeT]

don't say human .. don't say human ... Human! "Well ... Shit!" xD

[@warhorse03826]

I have to admit, the decaf story made me chuckle. one time on board ship the regular coffee ran out and all we had left was decaf. there was almost a riot. sailors take coffee very seriously.

[@markuhler2664]

I'm assuming the Suppo didn't make it out alive?

[@warhorse03826]

@@markuhler2664 nah no one blamed him. we were supposed to be doing VERTREP training, and part of that was "let's fly some of these supplies out to the ship instead of load them from the dock". I was with the helicopter detachment. the cargo hook on our SH-2 failed, partly because we really never used them. they tried blaming the pilot, but he offered to fly back to shore and get coffee on his own dime (we were off the coast of new jersey, so it was a short hop) but the captain said it wasn't worth the gas..and it was his call.

[@merlinathrawes746]

And contrary to British popular opinion, tea just doesn't cut it!

[@95MYTO]

I mean starting a war for access to a certain product is a bit much ... but starting a war because humanity decided to replace coffee with decaf - now we do have THE casus belli

[@randolphphillips3104]

So you have never read the history of human warfare, gold, spices, and recently oil? Outside religion, commodities are the biggest cause of war.

[@normiesalvador1854]

First story: I thought we were bad about coffee. Imagine drinking a cup of coffee knowing the side effect is exploding.

[@loganshaw4527]

Our side effect is going to the bathroom more then 1 time in hours.

[@xxXXRAPXXxx]

Worth it.

[@christianholzschuh6853]

As someone with diabetes I don't see a problem...

[@stanleyrichard4678]

Gladly

[@loganshaw4527]

I would rather drink soda and literally be bouncing off the walls.

[@Riasiru]

The Admiral knows the punchline to the joke, "How many humans does it take to change a war?"

[@Netscape-kd6mg]

i'd say zero. the mear shadow of the possibility of their presence is enought to make the xenos tremble.

[@reddeathstar2428]

1 at minimum if you actually need to put humanity on the front and at max I’d say a fleet of 1 to 2 dozen ships

[@loganshaw4527]

1 can fall a empire if properly motivated.

[@hamsta11]

@@Netscape-kd6mg shrodinger’s human. If you don’t know a human is involved or that humans even exist, does not mean they are not there.

[@CT-1035]

@@loganshaw4527I’ve watched that one before “If only I didn’t give a damn about collateral damage, he would still be alive”

[@mattbrown5511]

Story 1) Believe a human when they say "Take it easy on that.". Story 2) A homicidal space ape with total access to the resources of a solar system. Yeah, that invasion fleet is going to have a very bad day indeed.

[@Kualinar]

Not «is going» but «is having» a very bad day. That very bad day started with the implosion of that gate. Then, things are going downhill... FAST !

[@СашаВолков-ф5н]

Humans in second story used space-time fluctuations as a sensor ping! What kind of things will they use as weapons?

[@willdavis3802]

Decaf is both the strongest threat I've ever used against my wife, and the one thing other than cheating that she says she'd file for divorce over.

[@sysbofh]

And she's right, You know. The judge - and jury! - would side with her too.

[@randolphphillips3104]

Grew up on Navy coffee. Good for waking up sailors and degreasing engines. Although now that i am old they found blood in my coffee system.

[@ceu160193]

What is recipe? Molted coffee + Coca Cola + some alcohol?

[@Furzkampfbomber]

Nurse here. The amounts of coffee we consume during early or night shifts could be called 'unholy', _if_ anything with caffeine in it could be coined with this term. Which as we all know is a physical impossibility.

[@pulverize3]

I have never seen nor heard of a more egregious war crime than decaf. May the God's watch over these poor aliens.

[@exumbra1399]

Almost as bad as "chocolate chip cookies" that have raisins instead.

[@pulverize3]

@@exumbra1399 wait, thats real?! But that was just a story parents told children to scare them.

[@ChemySh]

@@exumbra1399 yknow, I actually prefer raisin cookies see, chocochip cookies are hit and miss. Each time you move to a new country, you have to try all the cookie brands to know which taste decent. Whereas raisins... well there's not too many steps to dried fruit, not much you can tamper there in the name of cutting cost.

[@Furzkampfbomber]

@@ChemySh True, it's just that I have problems with raisins itself. Personal taste and all that, sure, but putting raisins into chocolade cookies is a completely new category of crime.

[@mnspstudioful]

"Decaf... so you've decided to declare war informally then? Why didn't you just shoot my mother, human? Here. Take my service weapon. I'll walk you there. But what I won't do is drink this swill."

[@geoffreypershouse70]

i am loving how the admiral was going don't say human showing how mankind has earned a place for crazy but effective tactics

[@misterhyde2817]

When Xeno Discovers coffee: COFFEE MORE COFFEE HUMAN!!!!!!!!

[@MidnightSmoke]

thank you for the entertaining story. Here is a like and comment to help your channel grow and get you the recognition you deserve.

[@snidecommenter7117]

80% of communication is nonverbal. That is why Agro's narration are so much more enjoyable. There is more 'information' than ever before.

[@marvinjohnson2488]

I feel sorry for the commander of the 2nd tale. He knew what was coming. For the algorithm.

[@DisIzDaName]

Story 1: How humanity committed genocide by caffeine wthdrawal. The headache and irritability alone... gonna get ugly.

[@subninja8069]

But if you think about it it was unintentional genocide

[@mattbrown5511]

Never let too much blood get into your caffeine system. You will have a very bad day, and so everyone around you.

[@Furzkampfbomber]

@@mattbrown5511 Because nothing helps better against a bad mood than to spread it!

[@mattbrown5511]

@@Furzkampfbomber Yup, because no one ever ruined your day. And, of course, I meant I would be the ruining someone else's day. You really need to brush up on your reading comprehension skills. (Also, I was being a little cheeky)

[@Furzkampfbomber]

@@mattbrown5511 For F's sake, I really don't know what to say, because... _I thought your comment was funny and wanted to choin the choir._ Suuure, I could have added one of those silly smileys, in case someone would not understand that, but who would have thought you would automatically assume the worst and feel attacked. Well, you, Sir, surely spread a lot of bad mood right now. And just in case, I will add a couple of according smileys, so no one can misread this comment this time as badly as you've misread mine.😡 🤮

[@BrazenBard]

...This might be the first incident I've seen of decaf *not* being a crime against sapience...

[@SuperGamefreak18]

The decaf story was one of the funniest stories in a while dude

[@brianjuergensmeyer8809]

My wife says I use the exact same intonation for the word "Coooofeeee...." For the exact same reason. Thanks again, Agro!

[@seldonwright4345]

First story. I'm reminded of Over The Hedge when the squirrel (?) took a swig of high caffeine drink. Time stopped for him So - like that?

[@Furzkampfbomber]

That was the best scene in the whole movie. And at least in my book one of the best scenes in movie history ever. I remember that, being the coffee junkie I am, got such a massive laughing fit in the cinema that in the end, half of the cinema got infected and was laughing hysterically for five minutes straight.

[@MMPCTV]

I've really started to get into some of your audio series. Unfortunately, I'm currently disabled has a vice grip on my finances so I'm not currently one of your sponsors. But I did want to say, thank you very much for taking the time to read these stories. 🖖

[@BeeKisses]

Honestly, him and netnarrator have seen me through many recovery days

[@PebkioNomare]

Fun fact: Decaf coffee still has caffeine... it's had caffeine removed, sure, but you can't de *all* the caf.

[@Furzkampfbomber]

Does not change anything. It's like murder, even the attempt is a crime.

[@Y_Llew_Tew]

Agro’s spelling is suspect until he has had his cofeeeee.

[@TheyCalledMeT]

you mean squerril? ;)

[@Y_Llew_Tew]

@@TheyCalledMeT You make a good point.

[@christopherishikawa4444]

human I'm not locked in here with you, you are locked in here with me.

[@phawkuffe9491]

Decaf!? Blasphemy! Blasphemy says I!

[@ironwolfF1]

Ah yes, decaf...otherwise known as 'brown sadness water'. I mean seriously, has _nobody_ of half-caff coffee?

[@MadDog23236]

Just want to say thank you. I have been enjoying your narrations for a while. One thing about the look you are sporting in your vids...where's the white Persian cat? 😁

[@davidhenderson3400]

"Decaf" That could be grounds for a war.

[@dietricranck3173]

Grounds! The pun is perfect!

[@Furzkampfbomber]

_'Minister of war, declare DECAF 1!'_ "You surely mean DEFCON 1, Sir?' _'DECAF ! ! !'_

[@johnwoods3184]

I am watching this while drinking my fresh ground coffee!

[@jameshall6071]

I listen to the bard every day. It makes the endless chores more bearable than even coffee

[@Maeshalanadae]

Imagine if Red Bull was introduced.

[@СергійСавелов]

"Caffeine puts us in a euphoric but *controlled* state" "Riots erupted when supplies ran dry. some attempted to sue the Terran Federation for access to the recipe. Others attempted to petition the Admiralty to declare war to gain access to the substance." ""OOOOoooooOOOO hjhhmmmmjjjffrrtt"" "Coooofeeee...."

[@brianhaynes7354]

Wait, you have a face?!? I thought you were just a disembodied voice! Or, at best, just a floating voicebox and some lips...

[@berges104]

UNSC S-117, Granted full access. Have a good day.

[@Kualinar]

Story 1. : Here some decaf. You know, just so that you won't literally explode from drinking it. Story 2. : It only take one determined human to destroy an entire invasion fleet. Just. One. Single. Human.

[@merlinathrawes746]

Decaffeinated coffee won't kill you, but why take the chance?

[@Obligate.Carnivore]

I am a veteran, so it’s Black Rifle Coffee for me!! Murdered Out, their darkest roast and a full flavor profile. I love it. LoL

[@russellperry9902]

I'm sorry did I hear war crime? Cause I know I didn't hear the word, decafe, I swear the human said war crime

[@JudgementsKiss]

Three cups of coffee a day? I would die without that limitation on coffee. I am down to 19 cups these days.

[@Mojo_3.14]

I started drinking decaf because I had trouble sleeping at night. If anyone says they drink coffee for the flavor, I'll call them a liar. Decaf is the worst.

[@dacomputernerd4096]

I'm gonna pretend the second story is a war over the shipment of decaf at the end of the first

[@The_Natalist]

I feel like the video sync is off by like 2 frames, i usually just listen though, so whatev

[@Snipergoat1]

Yeah like humans would pass up all those easy profit opportunity. Yeah we have a bunch of preachy do gooder types but we have never allowed them to stand in the way of easy (or any significant) money. Star Trek style space communism is more likely and that would require a scarcity free society.

[@Cassandra_Johnson]

You can't just slap a hard core coffee head onto decaf. You have to start seeding the whole lot with a slowly going percentage of decaf, slowly over time, and eventually it is all decaf.

[@roguecarrick816]

Ah yes us military default aggressive applied to an interstellar scale. Take out doc &get expedited shipping, take out command & skip straight to all the weird irregular ideas he can come up with.

[@ICountFrom0]

Of course decaf would be half the price... aint like we got a use for it on earth.

[@gregorydavis472]

How many humans does it take to screw over an invasion? The answer: 1

[@Dustywitch]

JavaJavaJavaJavaJavaJavaJavaJava

[@RichardGeiszler]

Decaf? That brown water is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

[@sysbofh]

I think that brown sludge is one of the few justifications to use the Geneva Checklist.

[@therandomartist3201]

Man looks like a wiser Q from star trek

[@VulpisFoxfire]

...They didn't have a caffeine reaction from the tea beforehand? Must have been weak blends...

[@matkasim]

Decaf is as bad as low fat milk

[@DonPatrono]

"Alone and surrounded? You mean "target rich environment", right?"

[@TheHellbillyx]

3 cup a day are a danger ha ha ha

[@teoteous]

Decaf is heresy. ..I am joking. ...mostly.

[@KroMagnum4]

MMMmmmmm coffee and hashbrowns just saying for an alien friend.

[@Monster_Ink]

LOL Thanks for the narration! For the algorithm!

[@craigwatkins3569]

I heard three cups is dangerous... me on my 3rd refill of my 28oz mug.

[@virtualatheist]

Some even threatened war. Humanity: Yeah, about that...

[@gmaninatrashcan7144]

huh...first time seeing what you actually look like. i honestly thought you would be older!

[@b_ks]

"Of course you realize, this means war".

[@blendpinexus1416]

"nut-punch" oh the writer's wordings are just getting ever more creative

[@fturla___156]

Seeing how expensive coffee can be, seeing the words decaf would piss anyone off. LOL.

[@xgentis]

As if humanity would actually try to stop the addictions.😂

[@johncochran8497]

Story 1. To me, coffee is a rather strange substance. How can something smell so good, yet taste so foul? And many who drink coffee don't actually like it as evidenced by the milk, cream, sugar and other substances they add to it in order to make it palatable.

[@vinnyganzano1930]

I only add milk but can drink it black and have been drinking it since I was around 10. Can't function without it.

[@johncochran8497]

@@vinnyganzano1930 That's why I said "many" and not "all". I know there's some who actually like the taste of coffee. But there's also quite a few who don't, but drink it anyways because the like the effect of caffeine.

[@loganshaw4527]

It can be unholy bitter.

[@mfree80286]

You have the wrong coffee.

[@johncochran8497]

@@mfree80286 I'd say that Kopi Luwak coffee is a perfect example of my feelings about coffee. Namely, it's improved after being shat out of an animal after it has passed through said animal's digestive tract.

[@merlinathrawes746]

Q: How do you control a planetary and species wide addiction? A: Decaf! ☕ Admiral: The lone human survivor is now in command of all enemy assets? Junior: Yes sir. Admiral: Send the human the following message: We surrender!

[@RealArcalian]

Greetings, Mentlegent! For the Rhyhtm that is Algo Story 1: I dunno man, you could have another war over the withdrawal symptoms alone Story 2: Human survivor (Hacker voice) I'm in....and you guys are all the way OUT.

[@ArchonSG1]

2 great stories! Kooooooofffffffffeeeeeee! 😂

[@darklighter8968]

Some took their history as a challenge. They are no longer with us. Love that line xD Also... am I the only one that pictures the coffee addicted xenos as the Simpson's Tomacco sheep?

[@Furzkampfbomber]

There are things I don't like or even hate, but which I say are a question of personal taste and which might have their use. Guacamole for instance. Then there are things where I don't understand why they exist in the first place, because I simply don't get the point, but which do not hurt anyone, like alcohol-free beer. And then there is decaf.

[@Cl0ckcl0ck]

A cup of coffee and a cup of (well brewed) tea have similar caffeine levels as tea has slightly less caffeine but the portion you drink is bigger.

[@chrisdufresne9359]

Decaf is a perfectly viable reason for a war declaration

[@garethzero]

what is happening with the other story's like the dungeon one?

[@WorldWalker128]

So coffee is for them what Meth is for us, and just as dangerous. Yikes!

[@justinswogger2792]

Nobody tell the aliens about any of our other stronger stimulants they would just drop dead

[@TheyCalledMeT]

the tagging time in some of the latest videos is off (cutting at 50% instead of when the story actually switches)

[@sciohermetikum3902]

I have nothing valuable to say but take a comment for the algorythm

[@additiveartificer9365]

Wait potato chip...

[@Mustangofold]

If I am conscious on less than 400MG of caffeine a day it is likely that I will not be as pleasant to deal with as a random dude picking at his face with a knife on public transit.

[@russellperry9902]

Yo if it's gonna be like that I don't need the smoke, how much for a pound of seed?

[@dmaxcustom]

If some space aliens cant stand coffee, then they may as well go extinct.

[@regulardadgaming]

Good sir is thar a star citizen background?

[@johnnycovenant2286]

Great narration as always oom eekhoring

[@jeremiahlewis410]

Wow, and I thought it was entertaining listening to you read. Watching you is better.

[@tabithachastain6999]

If coffee was cocaine that gave people a case of the explosions

[@silverbird425]

Now they are ordering coffee urns.

[@LordGertz]

You can keep your coffee, just give me the caffeine.

[@thedevilsworkshop7720]

If they love coffee so much wait till they try meth . 😂

[@MH-jt3lx]

Your like a planetary nitch narrator short si fi stories. Cool as heck and fun to listen to on the way to and from work.

[@eldarkarin7525]

So sad there aren't any titanfall story

[@NightCelica]

decaf!😂

[@frankmoore3598]

Decaf? Humans are monsters 😂😂😂

[@joimumu]

That would justify war

[@victortahlor4038]

Thank you for the reading

[@jukkiivi4282]

Another good find and narration. For the Algorithm! For the Narrator!

[@Minotaur-ey2lg]

Three cups a day? I’m Nordic, our blood is 40% coffee. I don’t feel a thing unless I drink three cups. Big cups.

[@lewtgnome1491]

hello, love the content and your voice, keep it up ARGO!!!!!!!!!

[@ceu160193]

Getting whole galaxy addicted to your drugs is probably worst thing you can do.