Alain de Botton - The True Hard Work of Love and Relationships

What if the first question we asked on a date were, "How are you crazy? I'm crazy like this"? Philosopher and writer Alain de Botton's essay "Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person" was one of the most-read articles in The New York Times in recent years. As people and as a culture, he says, we would be much saner and happier if we reexamined our very view of love. Nowhere do we realistically teach ourselves and our children how love deepens and stumbles, survives and evolves over time, and how that process has much more to do with ourselves than with what is right or wrong about our partner. The real work of love is not in the falling, but in what comes after. (Original Air Date: February 8, 2017)
About the Guest:
Alain de Botton is the founder and chairman of The School of Life. His books include “Religion for Atheists,” “How Proust Can Change Your Life,” and the novel “The Course of Love.”
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[@sobrevida157]

“We blame our Lovers rather than our view of love”

[@feartheghus]

How can you blame someone you love like that?

[@sobrevida157]

@@feartheghus If we look at television shows and movies, we think that success in love is dependent on choosing the right partner: if we choose the right partner, our relationships, our entire lives will be cupcakes and rainbows, but if we choose the wrong partner, we will have endless difficulties and arguments. I think what he's trying to say is that every relationship is fraught with difficulties. Whoever we choose will be 'wrong' in many ways; they will drive us crazy at some points (and we, of course, will drive them crazy). So, when those arguments arise, we will have two different responses. If we believe that relational success depends upon finding the right person, our arguments are evidence that we have chosen the wrong person, that this person is to blame for our unhappiness and conflict. If, on the other hand, our view of love expects conflicts, we don't blame our partner. We know our relationship is normal; every one has conflict. So, if we do have conflict, we can "blame our lovers" (they are the wrong person), or we can blame "our view of love", that perhaps our view of love and our expectations of relationships are wrong.

[@taran2384]

@@sobrevida157 agreed. Our view of love as dictated by stories “Romeo & Juliette”, patriarchal societies, our role models … relationships as opposed to “love” has always been transactional to me ie you got my back & I got yours symbiotically almost. It’s no longer whom I fancy or like - but whom I could cohabit well with & whom brings out the best me. But then. I’m old & self made.

[@freeagent8225]

Alain's intelligence comes not from the content , but by his ability to think of new topics. I never knew how many problems I have since discovering his channel. I thought I was a well adjusted, content human. I was wrong.

[@aristotle736]

I'd pay to hear what his wife has to say about how he courted her and talked her into saying : I do .

[@lawaleto]

aristotle736 i’d pay top dollar as well

[@grannyhorsetraining878]

Well if we all had partners as enlightened as Alain then we'd all be happy , right? Yes I would love to hear an interview with his wife !

[@drewpocernich2540]

I’m in the process of this myself. I’ve watched all the Alan Watts videos, and most of Alain’s.

[@asadfami7623]

She courted him.

[@Lilacleaf49065]

I wish she'd interrupt him less and wait to let him finish before asking him questions.

[@julie5668]

"We love our children more than anyone else on earth."... If only we could all say that was our childhood experience. The kids I was a nanny to felt more love from me than I did from my mother. I will go to my grave feeling I loved my mother more than she loved me because I gave her what I needed myself.

[@aaron___6014]

Mute your mic when the guest is talking. Don't interrupt them either.

[@me4162]

I so enjoy your work Alain de Botton! Everything I need to hear in the beginning of a new relationship at 31.

[@Patatata123]

"we need people to be able to explain their imperfections to us in good time before they've hurt us too much"

[@rebeccaroper9559]

This was an incredible conversation. I walked away with some new hard truths and an inspiring, opportunity for reflection.

[@richardobi5367]

Alain is one of individuals that I am inspired and admired by their knowledge, wisdom and insights about the major deep life questions. But I felt and thought the definition of love, is not what I recognised in this stage of my consciousness. I sense is too vapour to be put in a box because, there are seven billions people in this world, continents, countries and not even mention cultures, beliefs and life challenges. For me love is subjective, and the question asked: what is love for me? For me, love is a deep connection, and that varies depending on the level I matched with others. I have few relationships in my life that demonstrated deep connections which I feel secure, joyful, graceful above all able to give and receive. When time of good and down. I just thought, I want to express my view, but whole dialogue is engaging and educating. Thank you for doing this.

[@judikechouane5733]

You are so... Right. Recognizing love in it's subjective content is necessary. It's a wonder any of us can SHOW/demonstrate what deep unconditional love is , when the Moment is tense, hurtful, or etc.. need and expectation would seem to come immediately forward. Human!

[@gregorykollarus8190]

Love this conversation! :) this is wonderful

[@jaziz0920]

This is life changing! Thank you.

[@Waterskilakeaustin]

Bravo! Thank you!

[@TheYouTubeBusiness]

Self discovery is the absolute new SUPER POWER

[@dr.florence]

I love Alain AND he really really needs to also talk about that capitalism and the system makes it very very hard for modern love to thrive. If people didn't have such mad schedules, financial pressures, strees coming out of their ears, and feel so excruciatingly lonely in trrms of being cut off community and culture - without that, 80% of marriages would not flounder as they do.

[@danielwei484]

Great wisdom as usual. The only critic is the seemingly lack of patience in listening and waiting for others to finish their comments before jumping in

[@davidnjohn]

I think it’s like good sex actually, sometimes a dialogue is exciting and erotic for both participants.

[@aVeganMia]

Wow!! Taking notes

[@richardsrensen4219]

this is very good

[@jedilady4485]

It all boils down to EXPECTATIONS

[@deathguppie]

I've been listening to this and I find it slightly off from my perspective. Not because I disagree with what he's saying but because I feel like emotionally I'm on a different level with my person. Maybe I'm on some sort of extended courtship or maybe I've changed or she's different. Or maybe we just work. I'm 54, and we've been together for 3 years now, and to this day we haven't had a single fight. I feel like even though I'm the center of my own emotional well-being, that she adds so much to my life that I literally would rather do anything with her than anything else I can think of, just because it's with her. IMHO, there is only one golden rule to loving someone and this I it. " every time you feel annoyed or angered about some perceived annoyance or slight. Put that up against how much that person means to you. If that thing isn't more important than that person I to you. Then let it go."

[@Bloated_Tony_Danza]

I kind of like the interviewer, it’s just a nice conversation to listen to

[@lucyairapetian407]

I dunno, his ideas are already known through his lectures. I enjoyed to learn new information that was the product of their dialogue.

[@Fefe559]

whenever a host interupts the person I came to listen too, I cant help it, I have to go. lol I can find Alain without the hostess

[@coachshann]

Same comment!!!

[@youtuberkhan9532]

Just came to say the same thing

[@infopill5254]

Exactly 🙌

[@nafania11]

Right? I don’t want to hear her trying to jump his bones!:))

[@safichii]

L I t e r a l l y

[@user-ur9bv6wi2j]

Great 👍

[@danedwards5107]

Very helpful insights. As a sulker, I especially valued that part. But the main point I value is his making "getting real" as the pre-requisite to love and then work for a "good enough" relationship as a broken person in a broken world.

[@khatokvintskhadze3684]

love you Alain, adore your sweetest voice 😽❤❤

[@keepmyexpectationsongodnot4039]

LOVE IS AN ART, JUST AS LIVING IS AN ART. MANY THANKS ❤️👌🏼👍

[@abigailj.nelson2943]

Lol OK.

[@yazgidemirbas7008]

Why did she continuously interrupt him? So annoying!

[@lilyvanilli5881]

Yazgi Demirbas I thought the same thing. So annoying.

[@chocolatethunder48]

Yazgi Demirbas I agree! I hate when interviewers do that. It’s not about you and your thoughts. It’s about your guests. Smh..

[@MrSdjwatson]

Perfect dyadic love on earth is a childish fantasy. Realising and integrating this is the full-time work of becoming adult.

[@christianlamb]

Amazing information! I love sharing mindfulness habits for couples on my channel. Would love to have seen an actual video here! Take care and be well! ❤❤

[@thisgame2]

I found a real soulmate after dismissing it as impossible for almost 4 decades. She told me one day that it scared her how little she truly knew about herself and this shook her to her core. She was far to in love w me and thought she would simply dissolve. Her family said I was bad for her but I didn't do anything but be too good for her. They didn't want to see her be truly happy. She ended up in a mental hospital For two months because she came from the evangelical world and they all said they'd never speak to her again. Family and friends. I've never seen her since. I'm unable to try now because I experienced that level of love. I hated the word before that. It's a overly used word. That kind of love is so rare

[@MR-ho3mo]

He is thoughtful, his error is thinking other people are putting in the same effort. I think not 😟

[@abigailj.nelson2943]

He is illustrating the best case scenario, he is certainly not so naive to believe that people actually do these things. In fact; that's his whole point.

[@liliane1240]

The questions are longer than the interesing responses.

[@lawaleto]

To me, lots of the complaints about the interview come from the fact that Alain’s works are mostly monologues. And people just aren't used to him being interviewed as opposed to giving sermons

[@davidnjohn]

Really good point

[@YasminWinehouse]

He is the real Chidi from the Good Place!

[@rocking4joy]

We clearly see who is in love with whom here 😉

[@bokim1061]

Yes. The woman is practically ...

[@Lorenzo-be1nm]

Could we have this WITHOUT the lady talking...?

[@jacobmorris4053]

To approach a partners behavior with a parental perspective, as if they are a child, can be extremely dangerous. I don't think that perspective is too far off from harmful cycles enabling and remaining in abusive relationships.

[@ArtemisRising289]

That’s not what he’s saying. He’s saying to try to have the same grace for a partners emotional outburst as a parent would for a child. Or really any emotionally mature adult would. Obviously if someone is blatantly abusive and not just having an off day, don’t stick around.

[@upstreamrose1536]

Little things can wound and humiliate 35:29, The section on political life begins around 33

[@CreateorDie]

I just need to make a comment about people being 'annoyed' by the interviewer. It's a two-way "conversation." She's allowed to talk. Alain doesn't sound at all annoyed by it, so neither should we be. If you want to see or hear Alain give a talk in a monologist manner, there's plenty of great ones here on KZbin. When did we decide that interviewers are not allowed to talk, have input or add to the conversation? "She" is inquisitive, authentic and genuinely intrigued. "She" is well versed in his work, has her own thoughts, and adds value by prompting him with references to his other work, drawing parallels from her own experience. By the way.. SHE is Krista Tippett. Tippett was awarded the 2013 National Humanities Medal for "thoughtfully delving into the mysteries of human existence." Her book, Einstein's God (2010), was a New York Times bestseller. She received a George Foster Peabody Award in 2008, for "The Ecstatic Faith of Rumi", and she has three Webby awards for excellence in electronic media.

[@noaheinstein2369]

Create or Die, you captured it perfectly. And to most thinking people, it’s an amusing and telling interview on the ironies of human love.

[@hopscotch39]

Agreed. Krista is fantastic. Surprised to see all the negativity in the comments.

[@GNK1111]

Everyone is entitled to an opinion and on occasion one that differs from yours. Personally I think my cat has s better ski for interviewing and far less irritating. On a positive note perhaps if she reads the feedback she will take on board the responses and seize the opportunity to learn and improve.

[@zendynamite9058]

@createordie You've worded it perfectly.

[@beetdiggingcougar]

I agree. I think it's a lot of subconscious misogyny. I've never seen so many comments like this. How dare she follow up?

[@erinsineadsound]

They interrupt one another often, which makes it difficult to listen to at times. I wonder if, as it's audio-only, this draws our attention to the jarring conversational dynamic far more than an accompanying visual would. Perhaps this approach to conversation is also reflective of that which seems more and more prevalent in every day life. Appreciate the content, listening more never hurts :)

[@marionwest3661]

Who is interviewing who? So irritating.

[@edenlifeonearth]

And why are we full of flaws? Believe me I knew that I had to accept and forgive my spouse when he did wrong against me but boy I wish I could control myself perfectly but I can't, burst out and regret later. Why are we like that? It proves to me that the biblical view of us being 'broken' totally makes sense to me, and thats why I believe in the Christian message

[@abigailj.nelson2943]

There's something for that. It's called Therapy.

[@ArtemisRising289]

We’re full of flaws because we’ve been raised by broken people. Christianity is not the worlds best explanation of the human condition. It oversimplifies it and refuses to look at the psychology behind each individuals unique brokenness.

[@evelynbegay2495]

I so miss In Being:(

[@Superfuntimejazz]

43:24 what is the name of the music being played?

[@herbieshine1312]

If you're still trying to find out what the music is. It's called Semblance by auditory canvas from the album air. If you click on the "v" at the end of the video description it will open up the details of the video and the music used. You can click on the song title and it takes you to a link of it.

[@caroljohannestoenges2263]

...apparently two wrongs can be all right?❤️

[@bellamarie7254]

Love this guy - we’re on the same page 💋

[@dadtalkx1589]

Wrote my paper on the subject of Who am I Why am I here And where am I going In 1995 With all the variables And sub variables to these very important questions! And continue to add new stuff not considered or rejected due to Obtuseness Glad to see how Alain applies them But would love to share other possibilities Outside of his rhetoric which I almost fully agree And open to being corrected Wish I could meet him and share I don’t need or want a platform Just would love to challenge ideas with the so called experts Whom they allowed the media make them to be We are all fallible And we all have something to contribute Share now or watch this space and Don’t look back in anger or resentment If I go it alone and take the podium That’s not my style I’m a guy who likes to promote the thought But not the individual who makes out they’re the mind behind the thought that’s plagiarism A lot of these ideas are plagiarism But I’m glad good ideas and thoughts that worked last centuries are being Re introduced To this generation Nuba gifted speaker such as Alain Respect ❣️ I’m not as famous as he and Maybe I will never get a chance to help in these ideas on a platform as vast as he has built?

[@dawynn9362]

Not a video. Y is it on YT?

[@hamezeast]

Gosh, Alain is a master of philosophy, but, heavens above, Americans are almost intolerable! 😁

[@tangobear3536]

It would be better if the host talked less.

[@thehazelnutbar]

The interviewer is horrible. She keeps interrupting Alain de Botton and rephrases what he says. Okay, we get it you read his book

[@marianasalles242]

🙏🏻❤️🌱🌏

[@solarhydrowind]

8:45 Is it possible that some people can't explain things about themselves?

[@adamcampbell9806]

Is that a Kraftwerk album given prominent display behind him?

[@hariskrijestorac]

Yes, I was about to comment on Autobahn :)

[@pd96321]

Focus, focus!

[@ppaulinka]

As much as I would like to concentrate on the interview I find the interviewer voice and giggles extremely annoying. Very disappointing.

[@MC-df7xd]

Same 😖

[@danielavassile3591]

Only If she could shut up ... we’d learn something important!

[@ItzelPixel1]

I know! She is just waiting for moments to speak instead of letting him finish his sentences

[@TheDawnAmber]

3:00 what love is

[@TheDawnAmber]

33:50 Comparability is the achievement of love, not the precondition of love

[@bertrantapp8824]

[@Mickeycuatropatas]

Get a dog. Interviewer sounded like she had one too many glasses of wine. I enjoyed her flirtatious side with Sir Alain (that's right...).

[@curious_gage]

Thi guy would be better off being on the joe rogan podcast, where he could speak uninterrupted. The point is to allow the guest to speak at length without getting in the way.

[@mrspherecial_twin4]

they talked abour flirting. and in a sense they are flirting :)

[@donnetube73]

The problem with love is "a feeling that a lover does not really love us"...what shame Alain ignores my realistic view on what love really is...its all self serving and about fulling the ego...period!!

[@abigailj.nelson2943]

And cynicism too, apparently

[@nancymohass4891]

Mr.Botton would be much more helpful if he wrote film plots to show real life stages and conflicts , , these kind of interview or discussion is not deep enough to be remembered , also the type of people who listen to this , won’t picture the whole issue.

[@alvinvazha1144]

Watch the "Before" trilogy to understand the 3 stages of love. Alain himself suggested it too

[@dickvolen4589]

Divorcee with a trailer is a dreams come true for a real men.

[@abigailj.nelson2943]

Well; for you, maybe.

[@meenajones202]

You need to put in your fucking title that it's audio only.

[@paulobraganca4141]

Jaysus, why is she interrupting the whole time? So annoying of HER!

[@mojdahakhavan905]

The hosts talks way tooo much

[@kalpanab2689]

Asalu Murali ena Nuvvu ilaa ayipoyaavu

[@GNK1111]

I'm a huge fan of Alain but whoever was interviewing him was on the edge of irritating. She really distracted from him in this girly way.

[@SleepyCity0001]

What

[@rozagomez8776]

The jealous crime philly open because rod curiously grate save a deserted needle. uptight, sable friction

[@malakmuhammadals396]

I'm sorry, but, why were you laughing this much! I'm glad you were enjoying your time, who wouldn't be while talking to Alain, but come on, at times, your laugh was a bit annoying. Excuse the comment, but it maybe was a result of self centeredness, or inner shakiness 🤷🏻‍♀️