Emotional Unavailability and Being "Nice"

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@beliciakotze6350]

You are describing me in this video.... how do I change to be a better partner?

[@inazarolaciregui]

I wish I had seen this video years ago. Thank you so much.

[@runawaybride2629]

Omg...it's been finally said out loud. This is my partner. I got to the point where I suffer from physical symptoms and anxiety attacks. But everyone sees him as such a nice person!He buys chocolates to his managers,etc...and makes sure that everyone sees him as a nice guy. He's also nice to me...cooks dinners and takes care of the laundry...We go grocery shopping together...But he's just not there with his heart and emotions...I am on the edge of emotional exhaustion. And making a move soon.

[@ladennayoung2939]

Just let go. Do what you need to do for you, and don't second guess yourself.

[@kaystephens2672]

I hope you made it outta there.

[@tanickasinclair7035]

This is Jennifer Sinclair. I recommend to break it off with him and tell him that you want to get back together when he becomes emotionally available and deep with you - beyond shallow. I did that. And we never got back together. We are still friends but we are not intimate or sexual.

[@horacesilver5238]

you described my last relationship. Her friends say she's nice....one I opened up to said, "I can't believe we're talking about the same person." I too woke up a few times during the night, with panic attacks, and loads of stress. She put up a great mask for others. But with me? Different story

[@valclub479]

It's so complex. I hear you!

[@theroomnumber5210]

I have had this experience. Emotional unavailability, delayed response but very nice on texts if and when I initiate the conversation. This is the worst combination. You don't know why the words are contradicting to the actions. And your gut tells you it's not right but the words string you along. Hard pattern to break! In spite of the nice words, I chose to listen to my gut and walked away, with hurt, confusion, and pain, because the connection was making me anxious and unhappy. LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION AND GUT FEELING.

[@littleredhen8205]

Good job you!! Yes never ignore that gut intuition, it's picking up something below the surface that signals trouble ahead.

[@dotdashdotdash]

guts are full of shit. intuition can be paranoia

[@xw6475]

Yes, I really need to listen to my intuition. Thank you for the reminder

[@armyparrot9353]

Same exact thing for me. Lived this as well with ex girlfriend for 5 yrs. Very hurtful. Being alone is less lonely. Told her we should split. Everytime I tried talking to her, she thought I was attacking her everytime.

[@webuysellhousesaptscashoff9453]

So did you divorce or considering divorce ?

[@gracesanity6314]

I was too emotionally available, always too over friendly. I was too available - but never available to myself. Now - I focus on my inner emotional life. For me the healing was to not allow others to dump on me for hours, then l would be left shattered and they were left feeling great, and l only saw them when they needed to dump more. No more.

[@strandedinanisland457]

Then when you need something from them they ghost....eeh no thanks to that garbage

[@attheranch873]

I relate to this 100%!!!

[@kbc1883]

I so relate to this so much! My parents said as a kid, I was their "little sunshine" but I look so somber in all my photos and I always felt anxious and sad. And I totally hid behind trying to be nice, a great listener, everyone always says to me "I've never told anyone this..." and I used to pride myself on this. Now I see how it is an abandoning of myself and also an unwillingness to reveal too much about myself. If I keep them taking, pouring out their soul, they love the conversation and think well of me, I don't have to feel embarrassed about my own life that I don't feel so successful in, but I am left feeling empty and like there is no room in the relationship for me. And then when I reach out because I am finally so in need of talking about me, they aren't available because I have trained them to be in a one-sided relationship with me. Some of them are truly self-absorbed, but others have just been trained for so many years by me that it is hard to shift the dynamic.

[@Bethadoodle]

My ex was so nice. Everyone thought he was lovely. Imagine being in a relationship with the personality of a concierge at a hotel- always pleasant, smiling & accommodating, but just surface level. Like diving into a pool that says 12’ deep, but slamming into the bottom a foot below the surface. I could go on and on. It’s disconcerting, at least. I left him 6 months ago. We haven’t spoken in 3 months. One of the last things he said to me before I blocked him was “I have gotten a therapist, maybe you should get one too”. I can not go back to him, but I truly hope he is trying to overcome this defense mechanism that keeps others at bay. He is a lovely person. I wish him the best.

[@kittydonovan1452]

Exactly this! “being in a relationship with the personality of a concierge” it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. So strange and anxiety inducing.

[@radhakrishnagowda398]

Allamdulillah, Now a days, being nice is also became a crime. Nice people are being viewed as creeps. Nice is being associated with bad. Nice people are being scrutinized to the breaking point. Nobody wants to associate with nice people. Everyone wants to become Chad, Tyrone, ray ray, Sigma, alpha, abdul, Juan and pokies.

[@KeondraRB]

I dealt with this with someone I loved soooo dearly. But i could idk not make him see himself. Don’t feel he’s self aware. But I pray he gets it someday

[@tbelj]

@@radhakrishnagowda398 abdul 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@aspiringrootwoman24]

​@@radhakrishnagowda398i think this is an exaggeration. It's not a diss on nice people. It's people acknowledging how they've engaged with people who won't let loved ones behind the shield where their true feelings live

[@henriettevandam166]

They are "nice" because they want you to accept them... They can't talk about deep emotion because they don't have the capacity to find the words to express themselves. It's a shield to protect themselves.drives you crazy 😱

[@CRFSUIGENERIS]

Thank you! Exactly how I feel with a friend. “They don’t have tut capacity to find words to express themselves.”

[@hanzbrixx]

Maybe if you just accept him the way he is it won't bother you. If you learn to not desire drama. You'll be happier.

[@aspiringrootwoman24]

Whew this is an eye opener. I do try to keep things polite for acceptance. I can find the words but it's hard to verbalize them to the person who most needs to hear them because the terror of being vulnerable and rejected drives my anxiety into hyperdrive. I clicked this video expecting to learn more about a person of interest only to realize he is me. I'm trying to find a way to confront my fears and become more expressive even when it's messy and may not elicit a positive reaction. But not letting myself emotionally dump or blow or another toxic mode of expression.

[@irenemorley75]

Maybe you should be more understanding, I am helping someone with this problem and they are feeling better about themselves.

[@irenemorley75]

@@hanzbrixx I agree with your comment, it sounds like she doesn't have the capacity to help someone.

[@lotussong9908]

Alan, you can't even imagine how important was to watch this video of yours...the reason why I split up with my ex 5 months ago was that I felt completely ignored even though he was behaving nicely to me...I felt so much anxiety and pain as I felt deep down he was acting nice but being very distant from me emotionally when we were together...I feel I made the right choice to break up with him. He was engaging with me only on the surface...only people who experience this can understand how invalidating this is for someone who wants to love and be in an authentic relationship...I have came to understand he doesn't do it on purpose like you said...it's a strategy to protect himself from suffering and pain that intimacy and closeness can bring...I am slowly making peace with myself...thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining all this ♡

[@tbo2120]

Lotus Song I’m with you on this one. It’s an awful feeling but we must move on.

[@ivanaudiljak261]

Same here

[@EdwinaWolf]

It's so hard. My boyfriend is like this and we have been together for 4 years. I am in love with him. He doesn't really care about me, and I often decide to break up. But then he becomes sooo nice and I feel "oh, he is so cute, I was wrong, we should stay together". Somehow I know that it's bad for me, but still - I love him so much, I can't break up.

[@vaishnavi4684]

Was there for 6 years. & Now I hate myself for my decision to stick around so long. Feel completely dead. Felt like killing myself. But I want to fight this battle & win this time 😍

[@kittydonovan1452]

Vaishnavi Pakhare I’m in a relationship like this and so desperately want to leave but can’t yet. Well done for leaving it takes courage so be proud of yourself for that 👏🏼💐 I hope that this time next year I can be in the same place as you and free from this emotionally void relationship.

[@penelopelambson9128]

Niceness can be a manipulation. It can also be indiscriminate compliance. I think most people can detect false or manipulative niceness. It feels a bit creepy.

[@deerheart87]

sometimes that can come out of a fear place though, but yes it is dishonest

[@janethomas78]

my mom always said I needed to be nicer. She always refused to connect. She never did in the ninety nine years she was alive. It made me angry. Her only answer was for me to be nicer.

[@ddoyle3856]

@@janethomas78 i had same experience except she never said the word "nicer" per se... but all kinds of messages about i should do this & do that to be more obedient, compliant, accepting etc.... & do the things she liked (never bothering to think about what i might like or want). it's tough to have a mother like this but i am adjusting to the reality & trying to no longer let it affect me as much.

[@nefelibata4190]

how is it dishonest if it comes from a place of fear? why are you even mentioning it like that?

[@mailman5865]

@@nefelibata4190 it comes from a fear of not being accepted, so you use niceness as a way to get your needs met.

[@millie6821]

This is me. I recently have realized that I am fake. I put on this nice persona everywhere I go, even around friends and family. It feels like a foreign idea to express my authentic self with others. I feel afraid that I won’t be accepted, because I wasn’t accepted by my parents as a kid for who I really am. I don’t even know how to express myself at this point. It’s terrifying, I feel like a phony in every one of my relationships. Now I need to really figure out how to express my true feelings with others.

[@taramarielosey8115]

excellent awareness! i hope you have found guidance to steps of healing

[@hanzbrixx]

Sounds like a first world problem.

[@tanickasinclair7035]

Omg, you sound just like my mom's life! This is Jennifer Sinclair. Except that my mother is not self aware like you are. She is clueless and believes that everyone is fake in the world.

[@TheTruthAboutBitcoin]

i hope you have found some healthy ways to express your true authentic self. practicing self awareness is a difficult process.

[@ChimmyQ]

There are people waiting to know the true you, and will be glad to see it.

[@tinyelephant77]

Unfortunately this is me. I had major attachment trauma right at the beginning of my life. I could never connect to my mom and with all the domestic violence, complete invalidation, contempt and chaos surrounding me, I never learned to relate and connect in the present with others. I tried so hard to connect with my mom, but she has no connection with her own emotions. Unfortunately, our family was pretty isolated so I never had another adult reach out to me and give that necessary corrective experience of feeling loved, seen, accepted, related to. So for me, my niceness is an automatic mask. I'm locked off and dissociated as soon as I know I have to be in contact with others. (I mostly avoid people cause I just don't get relating cause I never learned the language of emotion and connection. People terrify me. ) I'm in therapy for cptsd and trying to learn how to connect, but it's such hard work cause it's been decades of not learning what is usually learned within the first few years. My emotional avoidance/unavailabilty is a well worn pattern. In therapy we work on staying present with my feelings, accepting them all, learning to express myself and most of all, allowing myself to feel any connection whatsoever. It's been a long slow road to healing and living, but it's worth it. This video was excellent. Will definitely check out more.

[@tbo2120]

Keisha AM this is an excellent insight and hearing this makes me understand even more what people feel when they aren’t emotionally involved. Thanks for sharing. That’s how we are all gonna learn more about this crazy thing called attachment styles!

[@channalmath8628]

wow, you have a way with words. I wish I had the insight into childhood you have, but the emotional descriptions are, for me, so insightful by themselves.

[@Sunlightmoonbright]

Keisha AM thankyou for sharing this important insight ❤️

[@marciamellow1211]

Well my dear, you are well spoken, and maybe deeper than you realize, it seems like you have chosen a good and correct path... much more success to you...

[@rebekahhyer1196]

What a great reply, you have great insight. Keep up the good work, YOU are worth it.

[@52amour]

I wish l had found this sooner. I dated a man who was very polite yet sometimes he could be very sarcastic. I finally realized we had no emotional connection. In the meantime l was feeling very anxious and when l addressed it with him he was very crafty at avoiding the conversation.

[@LinYouToo]

Ariana O sarcasm = aggression which is often a defense mechanism/mask

[@hopelynncumberland3184]

Relatable

[@Kholoured]

Omg... I had the same thing he would even turn it around saying I've been nothing but nice your the problem... 6 yrs of that...

[@olgagak3501]

That is a very accurate description of my husband . It took me 22 to figure out . He is absolutely always protect himself for being emotionally available. He is nice to everyone, but wallstone me . I tried many times to explain that I feel dismissed, ignored , invisible. And when I tell him that, then he said that I am critical , when I show him examples from our relationship during years how I feel . He saying that I am over emotional . But, I feel rejected, unloved, and denied . And now I feel so stuck and so tired and unloved, so I think it is the best fir me to separate. It is make me physically I’ll. Sadly , I tried so many time to fix our marriage, but it it looks like that iam the only one who is working on that .

[@breannaswagerty7075]

As someone who is familiar with the "nice" mask, both giving and receiving, I can say it comes from a deep place of shame and also learned behavior. When my primary caregiver used this method, I felt so alone and lost. I now think that others expect this mask of me because she did. For someone who craves emotional intimacy in addition to wearing this mask, I can say it is up to me to be brave and share who I am authentically with people. Behind the nice person, there is a very scared and angry person, ashamed of all the various thoughts and feelings they have, very long ago deemed unacceptable.

[@segwia]

Same here..i know im this person while im desperate for authentic emotional connection and intimacy, it terrifies me. And in kicks the seeming hard wired learned behaviors. For me i dont know how to have real connection. The nice was acceptable and has become the crutch. I hate it but the fear is so strong, no matter how hard i work on myself the mortal fear is more than i can break through

[@azmomconnection]

Great insight

[@segwia]

@Christina Rekha opening to attachment/relationships/connections, all of the above

[@penelopelambson9128]

Breanna Swagerty I appreciate your comments. This was helpful to me.

[@cindycinn2724]

@G Rose thanks for explaining...i appreciated your opinion

[@jw619]

Omg. I have never heard anyone speak on this. This channel has been such a relief.

[@monstermoo4191]

He hits the nail on the head. My roommates are both Waspy AF and these videos are so validating because I feel crazy trying to explain what's wrong when everything is so subtle and layered in "niceness" like he said.

[@alicerose9140]

The relief you feel when the truth is told.

[@TorEtCetera]

@@alicerose9140 yes!

[@dgmmo]

The emotionally unavailable mother is the most invalidating

[@at5286]

tamarra beckons and you grow up feeling like theres something not quite right about you and youre broken somehow. Theres something wrong with you. All the others are okay, youre the problem. Its soul crushing 😥

[@BexnRN]

Omg YAAAASSSS!!! My mom has ice water in her veins. I tell her how I feel and she just looks at me and blinks.

[@Jess-ew3tm]

Rebecca Carraway I cut my mother off tbh no one deserves to be abused like that

[@morganfalkdesigns]

Yep

[@marciamellow1211]

It takes many,many years to figure that out...

[@broganblack]

My mouth was hanging open throughout this entire video. I feel so validated. My ex was the most charming, nice guy. He was almost obsessed with the notion of just being a really nice dude. He always said that about himself, he was so proud of it. So when his actions started to not match up to his niceness everyone was so convinced of I felt ABSOLUTELY crazy. He would always turn to humour or cheering me up when I was critical, which made me feel stupid for being critical in the first place. Man, I feel such a relief. Thank you for this.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the feedback. Glad to hear you deeply resonated with this content. Thanks for letting me know it was helpful for you. We can never have enough conversations about our different self-protective behaviors. They help us cope with anxiety but also make us emotionally unavailable. Thanks for commenting. I'm wondering if you've heard about the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Educating ourselves on the responses can help us change these dynamics.

[@astrocatcity]

LOL “Can we put the kitten calendar down” LOL That’s why Alan is so great

[@taramarielosey8115]

i found the “kitten calender” description ear catching also :)

[@ChannellRajal]

Ahhh I feel so much validation and comfort only 2 minutes into this video. It feels nice

[@PennyJackson123]

In my case the “nice” is basically “easygoing” So easygoing. I fell in love with that aspect of him amongst many others. I did not know back then that it is the presentation, and behind there is an emotionally withdrawn guy. Thanks again for providing me clarity.

[@activedreamr]

Brilliant and so validating. Thank you. The surreality of the “nice” is so disturbing. Especially if you are a sensitive, empathetic person who is highly aware of cues.

[@v-power4154]

Same!

[@sacredravenstarotvision6925]

yes! I am an empathic individual. actually, i'm creating a coaching practice for us empaths to heal emotions, coonect with creativity, spirit and intuition while also creating the confidence to create their own financial independance. my hubby is my best friend (23 yrs) but he's very avoidant and closed off. one minute, hes full of charisma and funny and then suddenly closed off and never into what i say! but if I go out into the world...i'm respected and loved! WTF

[@suzierelf7455]

Sacred Raven's TarotVision I would love to join your coaching group

[@flickeringlight4307]

We can sense that false person a mile away and feelings of disgust when these people try to fool you. The alarms are all on and the covert wants you to think it's you and not them.

[@penelopelambson9128]

Jen Maidenberg is this like a person who invalidates you in a ghostlike , seemingly caring manner by focusing on their interpretation of something you have said ( self referencing) rather than on your feelings and thoughts? It leaves you feeling ignored in an inexplicable way. They engage, but not really. Hard to describe.

[@reflectioninthesnow7953]

You have described to a T..... exactly the new "relationship" i am involved. She is so incredibly " nice" that it through me off what is really going on under the surface. And definitely avoiding me but ever so "nicely". I don't believe there is another video on KZbin that could explain this form of invalidation better than this one. Thank you, Allen!!!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the comment and for sharing your experience. Glad this video connected. Since you like this video you may also be interested in taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@katieflaxbeard1019]

“Learned helplessness” jumped out to me because I literally just recently told him “I just don’t even know what to do anymore to connect with you but to try and I tell you one more time how much you mean to me” He is so sweet and kind and infact the most mannerly man I’ve met and yet anytime I’ve tried to emotionally express feeling he is only nice or polite in response it’s exasperating. The niceness almost feels like they’re just trying to help you not feel like you embarrassed yourself. He finally told me he’s bound in so much negativity and depression that he is numb to what I’m feeling and wanting. Logically I know this isn’t an excuse and yet I still don’t know can i ever reach him what is it he feels for me or does his numbness mean nothing.

[@andrzejkowasz]

Unfortunately probably not - he will have to reach into himself, you can't really do jt for him. May I suggest counselling or if he's not ready for it - looking into CBT peehaps? :)

[@Paarthurnaxdova]

The discomfort of being with an emotionally invalidating man FEELS like acid running through my veins. Why do these solitude dwellers even want a relationship at all!? They can’t connect.

[@erldagerl9826]

Celtic Moon Hutcheson they want sex, housekeepers and nannies.

[@JJ-yu6og]

Wow What a dramatic illustration. Thanks for posting.

[@Paarthurnaxdova]

Erl DaGerl agreed! They also want a someone to nurse them and a purse. I’m done with men.

[@j_mae999]

AGREEEE!!

[@dotdashdotdash]

believe me, the women like this are just as bad if not worse.

[@ruggedlifejewelry]

I feel like I never stop striving to get validation and that is so exhausting. Hearing this video helps me realize I'm not "crazy" and what I suspected is correct which is actually very validating. Even though it isn't coming from the person neglecting me it is still calming. Thanks

[@taramarielosey8115]

it is naturally healthy to acknowledge one another, and with such we reciprocate the existance of recognizing and affirming of one another’s feelings, it is encouraging and esteeming the other before ourself.

[@gabrielp.f1456]

Thank you Alan, I sometimes think you are the only person who understands those dynamics. You go deeper than most therapists. Thank you for your help.

[@tbo2120]

Gabriel P.F this man has it worked out so well. I still can’t believe it when I listen to his insight!

[@penelopelambson9128]

Really outstanding video. The description of the perplexing invalidation one can experience in a relationship with an emotionally distant but very "nice" person is extremely helpful. It illuminates a foggy, shadowy emotion and sense that are hard to put a finger on and define, much less address. I'd love a follow up to this video that gives more insight and advice on how to make changes. Please!!!

[@RavnerRavner]

if I understand the meaning of this video... the avoidant partner exhibits politeness, acts nice, never shouts or curses... but has no genuine desire for authentic connection, thus creates dissonance and anxiety in the other partner?

[@jodam96]

This perfectly describes my ex partner. A very toxic situation, yet a hard one to get out of because I always had false hopes in my mind that one day they would open up and a connection would start to grow, it’d just take more time. But I had to be real with myself and say “if a true emotion connection was going to happen it would have by now!”. I invested a lot into the relationship to bring us closer together but there was always this feeling of distance, disconnect and disinterest coming from them that caused hyper anxiety and distress in me. I got to the point where I felt like I couldn’t share anything remotely emotional otherwise I’d fear he’d leave me. It’s going to take me a long time to heal from this, because it’s changed my self-esteem and self-worth in a horrid way.

[@adrianocavalcanti298]

You are NOT alone on that! Hope you're doing much better now! I am going through this right now.

[@joanofarc1470]

Mind warfare for sure. These people are daunting and really not worth the effort. Heal yourself sister!! They aren’t worth selling your soul for.

[@user-of1et7lf6m]

I can relate! I think that my ex also has troubles really opening up emotionally. I was also invested in the relationship. Tried and tried to connect. Gosh, I am still trying because we work together and it still frustrates me that he can't open up. But I guess he doesn't mean to be that way. I hope you are feeling better!

[@user-of1et7lf6m]

@@joanofarc1470 AMEN

[@howbouthobart4909]

There’s no consistency in their behaviours and personalities.So it ended up making you wonder if everything was a lie.This confusion can lead to self doubt

[@BedfordFalls7]

Isn't anyone else married to this? It seems to be people that were in relationships. Mine did all the nice things while dating and then once married pretty much, changed who he was. The real person came out. Emotionally unavailable and physically as well. I have been put through Hell with him. He will not have a conversation when I ask, and if he agrees to, I can see he isn't really there and can't wait to have me shut up. He is always upstairs and I'm downstairs. Never says a word in the car with me. So since I'm outgoing and have so much I can talk about, I often end up opening my mouth though I shouldn't. I have felt so bad for so long not understanding what is going on here. Anyone else had to live married to this kind of person? Thank you for this video.

[@newlifenewhope5905]

Melinda Smith I was married to someone like that. I had health issues from before we married, so it wasn't as obvious, but what did become obvious was that it was that it was all about him. He wasn't prepared to change anything (including swearing and blasphemy, which bothered me), but he expected me to change everything about myself. A year after our child was born, he said he no linger loved me, and a couple of years later, he left. Then, he changed quite dramatically, and I finally realised that I had no idea who he really was. The person I was in love with was an illusion; he never actually existed! It was all a mirage, and he had simply reflected back to me the person he knew I was looking for. :(

[@tanyamcintosh5650]

Yes living it for 19 yrs

[@emanaturalsaus]

Yes a 17 yr marriage which turned highly toxic. Out 5 years now and have a new life new me . 👍👱‍♀️

[@Suzu52]

Everything in your comment I live with....the silence in car yes! I am working to get out of this relationship....he sees no reason change....

[@sazaydehmed9819]

Melinda Smith yes me too in almost ur shoes kinda life but after 14 yrs I’m trying to find my way out bcoz such a man was only a facade. I now realise it was my love which I was too willing to give even though it sucked me dry...can’t have my youth n health back but maybe I should b grateful for what I have left n start over... May u find ur strength too ❤️

[@mitchbarr-elleli1252]

I ran into a woman of this archetype. Though difficult to understand, and frustrating, it taught me extremely valuable lessons that will undoubtedly help me to navigate past emotionally damaged/dysfunctional/unavailable people in the future. I am grateful for having gained this insight. As a highly empathetic person, I wished that I could have helped her to understand that her alcoholic father and emotionally whacked out, narcissistic mother were teaching her lessons that were not helping her. Alas, that was all that she knew, and would not let it go. It compelled me to let go, and to accept that as much as beer commercials are selling a blighted fantasy of life being one continuous party, filled with happy babes and frat boys, alcoholics have blazed a sad and damaging trail through billions of people’s lives.

[@karendalsadik7119]

Mitch Barr-Elleli omg the person I deal with says ”alas” to pretend she feels empathy.

[@ebutuoywrw]

@@karendalsadik7119 gawd. nooooo!

[@marciamellow1211]

WELL SAID...

[@courtneyfink5880]

This is what happens in my relationship. Only when I bump up against the niceness a lot of times, it eventually turns to blaming me for things. The niceness comes by way of saying things like, I understand how you feel, yes you are right. All surface comments with no depth.

[@youtubingbabs]

Or "positive coaching" no empathy or well wishing. Like I'm being checked of their todo lost. "Show concern for gf." Check.

[@foxyred1015]

Exactly!

[@samerinaa]

@@youtubingbabs omg... the checklist...

[@richardgonzalez6583]

Absolutely agree with you 100% the person I was dealing with would always say stuff like that I know how you feel I understand I'll try to do a better job to communicate better like you said it was all surface bullshit because nothing would ever change the cause will still be ignored the emails won't be responded to she was shut down we would have arguments she would just ignore me and I would tell her how I felt when she would do that and she would cover it up with her nice words until I would rub against her niceness and challenge it and that's when another version of her came out

[@user-of1et7lf6m]

Yes! I got out of a relationship a little bit like this.. and what I am craving is DEPTH. Gosh! Being emotionally met. That is so important in a relationship.

[@debraharmstrong3898]

This is my ex. He was soooo Nice. But I saw passive-aggressive behaviour. It was so crazy making. He liked to drink alcohol and, toward the end of our relationship, he would become sarcastic and nasty. I tried so many things to make our relationship healthy and work but he said he was not going to change. I actually become emotionally and physically sick with him.

[@SaraFJones]

Debrah Armstrong yeah, in the end I got physically sick and I couldn’t understand why. Removed myself and never happened again! People need to listen to their instincts and do the work to avoid even getting deep into these situations!

[@mrtwister9002]

+Debrah I had the same feeling, just being in the same room with my ex partner. It happened really quickly.

[@Goldgirl1020]

I just left a separated man whom is emotionally unavailable. it gave me a ton of anxiety and i ended up becoming a bit obsessive and jealous and naggy etc but it was all to do with him saying things like i could meet friends and family and false promises that never happened and when i tried to talk to him about anything to do with us or my issues with us he would shut down. he could talk about nearly everything else including his current life problems but not about us. It made me sick and in the end i broke up in a really bad way with him then spent grieving feeling guilty for my behaviour. the other night i saw him and when i said i was sorry i hurt you he coldy said to me that i didn't hurt him because he has thick skin, i've been trying to shake his cold eyes with zero compassion in them ever since. He just isn't home inside at the moment, the lights are out. I love him but now he is 'put off' by the way i got all clingy and needy when i broke things off and got over reactive afterwards at losing him. he is put off by me but he never let me in. he does actually understand this too but granted i could have waited til i was more calm and discussed it then. we actually broke up twice before but he came back both times because he is afraid to lose me. now he wants to stay friends and is afraid I will leave that too.

[@belinalug6928]

@@Goldgirl1020 tell him you have enough friends

[@belinalug6928]

Same here, it was the alcohol.

[@veravujovic4685]

This presentation just saved my mental life! Of course that it "calmed my nervous system down"... :)) THANK YOU THOUSANDS MILLION TIMES

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Vera, thank you for the feedback. I'm glad to hear you're receiving benefit from my videos. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know my video was helpful.

[@MelGAbs953]

Just in time. My recent ex is like this. He is THE NICE GUY- cooked food and affectionate etc. he would open up about his family problems but when i talked about our relationship he would cut me off and say YOURE OVER THINKING and THEN HE WOULD EITHER FALL ASLEEP OR CHANGE THE TOPIC.

[@darlenemontgomery9337]

Yes. Mine fell asleep twice when I tried to talk about a certain topic.

[@radhakrishnagowda398]

@@darlenemontgomery9337 Every serious discussion, mine says "don't overthink, live in the present" and changes the topic. Learnt to move forward without mine.

[@honeyfurfarm2182]

This is so incredibly validating. It truly is crazy making to feel so uncomfortable with a person while they're happy with the situation.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for sharing this video resonates. I hear you. These can be challenging dynamics.

[@kimberlysmith7311]

Hi I find you very kind and knowledgeable and relatable. Thank you. ❤😂

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit. I also want to share, since you like the content, you're invited to join us in our conversations on topics like this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@GoBrilliantly]

Thanks! Another goldmine. 😮

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the support and thank you for the kind donation.

[@ivoryonawilliams3790]

Omg I feel like crying because I’ve felt like this for months and I couldn’t put my finger on it until now. Bless you!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I'm glad to hear this video resonated and was helpful for you. Please also share this video with a friend who may find it helpful. We explore emotional availability and responsiveness in greater depth in the Improve Your Relationships Community. You're invited to join in the discussions: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@faithevolution552]

Alan your insight is priceless. I grew up in a home surrounded by 6 sisters and 3 brithers, and emotionally unavailable parents. I am a pretty open person, but I keep attracting/seeking emotionally unavailable men and I've begun to feel hopeless that I will recover. After watching your videos, I feel like I can at least recognize the clues. Thank you for sharing this insight. I feel relief and hope for the first time in many years.

[@sifbodvarsdottir2513]

So unbelievably spot on as always. I just realised where my tendency and desperate need to connect with emotionally disconnected people comes from.

[@suzannemorrow9987]

This is so relevant in almost every chapter of my life. My childhood , was a constant “acting “ time... Never with the feeling of security or acceptance. Always feeling as I did not belong . If I had my feelings , I was shushed .... thank you .

[@leeleeg4169]

Thank you for this video. It explains so many of the relationship dynamics I have and have had. It’s extremely frustrating for me because I value emotional connection in close relationships. I have had to learn to be my own source of emotional validation since childhood. But being with emotionally disconnected parents when I was younger, made me so used to this relationship dynamic. This in turn made it much easier to attract this same behavior in friends and loved ones. I realize now that I need to break this cycle. It’s taking a toll. I have a string of shallow relationships with no room for depth, which leaves me exhausted. Trying to point this problem out to avoidant and unaware individuals has become futile. No matter how much patience, love and understanding I give will help the relationship improve. I just end up drained in the end. I realize now that I can have healthier relationships. Just not with my current ones. I need to become more discerning in relationships...know where to invest myself and where not to. My compassion for them will remain, just from afar. This video was life changing for me, so I greatly appreciate all the information. 🙏🏻❤️😊

[@serenedaoud]

you just described how the majority of current educational school system,school teachers and staff, ad how it deals with children. not seen, not heard, no sign of connection thus giving us anxious hyper children

[@lizrobertson8512]

When I was in the final throes of our marriage break up I used to say to my friends that I was being "niced" to death. How could I possibly feel cheated, rejected and deeply wounded by a person whose personality was nothing but nice and who expressed great sadness and rage because I wasn't being nice by divorcing him. It's a very subtle and insidious form of gaslighting. I've never heard anyone talk about it before. I thought it was just our weird relationship. Great video.

[@taramarielosey8115]

“a subtle and insidious form of gaslighting”

[@catblack4091]

Yes!!

[@melkerner]

Sexual and physical withholding for years while being nice and disconnected. I get the feeling that this is on purpose to elicit the divorce response so she can claim victimhood.

[@katkatCSI]

Thank you Alan, very well described, it opened my eyes

[@kathygreenlee5108]

Alan you hit the nail on the head. This is my mother in law to a T! So my husband is generous and faithful but so afraid of letting me in. We are in a blended family and my MIL happens to live in a MIL apartment on the side of our house. I have always thought she was nice and giving. She never remarried after a very short marriage with my husbands dad. She came from a family of 14 kids so she only wanted one child to shower all her attention on. So even though I love her, she is a cat lady who does not socialize with anyone around where we live. All her friends live in other states. She treats her cats like children so I think the veterinarian is her best friend since one of her cats has an appointment almost monthly. It is impossible to have a deep and genuine conversation to find out any back story only that she was going to be a nun but it fell through. When I ask her about my husbands emotional unavailability, she just said, "He is a private person, just love him and everything will be ok. Your just being silly." This floors me since I have never met anyone like this. It is almost as if she has reverted back to 5 years old. She heavily depends on my husband since she has fallen victim to sales scams and seems quite gullible yet she prides herself on being very independent and being a single mom. I am thinking that is a lot of learned helplessness. Another strange dynamic is that they "don't talk" about certain things, if something bad happens the most important thing is finding blame and not solving the problem. It is quite dizzying. I am a recovering codependent and I am now fully aware of these patters. It is very fascinating but very sad. I can at least have a little more empathy for the both of them. It is like living in the Twilight Zone sometimes. If you could do more on the roots of Emotional Unavailability or anything....this is totally awesome!!! THANK YOU!!!

[@kristinatk7553]

I had a MIL was is/was just as you describe. It's a trip that they rather wear "rosey colored glasses" when they should be living in the real world of reality. Hopefully you have others in your life whom u can relate to in a real way.

[@zanzeph15]

The comments are just as helpful as video. Thanks guys!! 😊🙏

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Yay! I'm glad you're finding the benefit of my videos and of the comments below the videos. It can be so helpful hearing about others' experiences and what they've gone through and how they've grown and healed. This is very similar to my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. It's a membership program where people from all over join to discuss with one another and learn, grow, and heal from attachment injuries and traumas. If these comments have been helpful for you, the Community would be a great fit for you in your healing work. We'd love to see you there! www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@Jess-ew3tm]

my entire "family" is effed up. ive been emotionally abused my entire life due to my mother so now I'm emotionally unavailable myself but I WANT to be more open. I definitely have developed this false personality in order to keep others at bay though

[@1971fallenangel]

Thank you Thank you Thank you!!! You have put words and clarity to my situation and given me a sense of sanity in a crazy making relationship. Words cannot express my gratitude!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You're welcome. Glad to hear this is helpful.

[@MementoX1013]

Wooooow. I've known for a long time I'm insecure-avoidant and my sister insecure-anxious, but watching this I got a hit upside the head about why I feel totally disconnected from my sister, why even though she claims to want to be close to me, relating with her feels so jarringly inauthentic. Great video, thank you!

[@yanamclaughlin]

This is EXACTLY what I dealt with in my last long term relationship. Crazymaking is right. It was an airtight defense, I always seemed like a jerk when I mentioned how it felt like being around a ghost. It turns out he was lying about a lot, some of it huge. He was the "kindest" man I'd ever been with but the breakup was actually highly traumatic, due to the realizations about the lies and passive aggressive actions that occurred just under the radar. I knew something was off but gaslit myself.

[@taramarielosey8115]

that is painful, I am sorry you went through that all together.

[@Goofymonkey12345]

You are so good! All these years I blamed so much on just being an introvert and never realized my mom was emotionally unavailable and it caused me to become the same way in a way.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Jennifer, you are not alone. Many of us have emotionally unavailable moms. The reason I created the membership community is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@rachelbrooks470]

Thank you, Alan!! This was SO helpful! I thought that I had learned what it meant to be emotionally unavailable but then I met this guy and I totally missed it. I just told him today that I’ve decided to let go of any romantic future with him but that I’d like to still be friends (he’s still an excellent human being)-and his response was so uuugh. I told my friend that it was like talking to an overly nice customer service rep and that it had this weird cheerful formality about it. You hit the daggum nail on the daggum head. Thank you again!

[@undergrace1808]

Many ppl are emotionally constipated, I tried being "nice" and it felt fake. I really do feel bad for these type of ppl.

[@taramarielosey8115]

emotionally constipated!

[@christinasteltz5063]

I am a Christian and my husband and I have known each other since elementary school. I feel very connected to him yet I don’t feel the connection from his end. Because of my faith I won’t leave or cheat. I’ve learned to deal with it for the most part but it’s hard and I’ve gotten to a point where emotionally connecting to him is not important. He doesn’t recognize that there is anything wrong with the situation so regardless he seems happy.

[@maritahartmann591]

Yes. But are you happy?. I struggled with the same loyalty issues. Then I decided to go, and met the love of my life... Just give yourself a chance.

[@raerae505]

I hear you. I too am a christian married to a nice guy that is emotionally just not there. No support when needed. No touch. No encouragement. Nothing. But, like you, I have come to learn to deal with it by having no expectations. Any sign of emotion from me, he will stonewall me. He does not respect my emotions as valid, and cannot handle any emotional discussion. ( I am not a drama queen or high maintenance nor do I cry often) Yet he is a great hardworking, guy who everyone likes. I will not divorce or cheat either.

[@hippydoom2287]

Well said. Wow. I couldn't have explained that better. You just addressed the elephant in the room so well. I wish I would have had this information when I was married going through this. I thought then that I was losing my mind because I couldn't put a finger on the subtlety of the situation with out feeling like ideas an a$$hole. Thank you. This explains alot.

[@donnaamerige8065]

You are so spot on with this! Wow, you really described what has been my life with my very covert narcissistic mother. I have felt I was losing my mind, because my whole family and all who know her, are fooled or cannot begin to validate my feelings. No matter, I know the truth, and I will continue no contact and work on validation from within to heal. Thank you so much for beautifully putting this message out there. I know you have helped me to see better, and I'm sure will help lots of people get the inner validation they need to start healing. 🙏

[@humminghawk]

wow, that was amazing! that's my mom. I and my daughter could never understood why we start to feel overwhelmed by my VERY NICE mom. then I would feel so mad at myself for feeling irritated at such a sweet person. and she genuinely is. but. , gets highly distracted when I talk to her. to the point of automatically to saying, I see your point. and never even heard what I said. and it being out of context. she watches tv, anything to not pay attention. I could never understand why I felt , well, a little hurt. and how dare I feel that way . she is sooooo nice. it's not her fault. she was raised in an alcoholic home. but now I can stop judging myself too. ♡

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the comment Tonya. I'm glad this one speaks to you so strongly and your experience. Good for you for seeing the patterns. The nice presentation is very slippery and hard to make sense of. The dynamics are often covert. And good for you that you are able to have empathy for your mom and her history as well. We are not out to blame, just see the patterns honestly and truthfully. Thanks for watching the video. If you find value in the videos, then you will find continued value in the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships, with the 8-week program of thematic, group discussions. The community is somewhat new. I welcome you into the group if you think it's the right fit. Please learn more by checking out this info page. Details to register are on the page as well. Thanks so much for your comment and kind words. I"m glad the content resonates. alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register

[@Moonbeam729]

tonya jewel My mom talks to me a lot but it’s to the point that I just sit there and listen. I don’t say much, I don’t really engage in the conversation. I wondered why and felt like there was something wrong with me like maybe I didn’t care enough or something. But then I realized that when I try to talk about anything she doesn’t comment on what I said at all, doesn’t ask questions to further the conversation. As soon as I’m done talking she will redirect the conversation to talk about whatever she wants to talk about. If she says to me “how are you?” Or something to that effect I automatically get nervous and give a very vague answer because I’m not used to her showing an interest in my life.

[@believer1558]

@@Moonbeam729 I relate.

[@firefeethok_tui2355]

This guy is THE best as far as insight, motive and explaining the actual deep seeded reasons behind this theme of emotional dysfunction. My brain sucked this up like a drink of water so needed I felt VALIDATED. I did get some comfort Mr Robarge. Wish you were my therapist bc Vegas resources seriously lack,

[@auburnandgrey4457]

You just explained my Mother. Huge life puzzle piece found. Thank you for posting.

[@PennyJackson123]

I wonder why the emotionally unavailable suddenly shifts and becomes vulnerable, open and emotionally available WHEN I am about to leave him? Why does he then express his feelings and he does it so sincere, and then I come back and we connect and he begins to shut down and close himself off again. This has been a cycle for the past year. I have no idea why this happens, but your videos are helping me to understand more.

[@theelizardqueen]

I'm in this too!!! I need to know why. Its like theyre capable.and it.drives me crazy thinking i shouldnt let go

[@mina8XO]

Mine opened up after breaking up with me and said he feels more comfortable opening up while were not together 😳

[@PennyJackson123]

Oh dear lord 😛 I’m married to a wonderful man now and we’re pregnant with our second baby. The emotionally unavailable man was such a waste of time. Sure I learned things about myself from being in that situation, but you guys truly deserve better. Someone where the connection and intimacy comes effortlessly 💜 Where there is no doubt or uncertainty whether someone loves you or not. Being with a dismissive avoidant person creates a brewing ground for insecurity to arise and both sides will end up hurting. I look back at those 5 years and shake my head in disbelief that I let myself down to that extent.

[@eronweaver5183]

I just went through this with someone I was dating. This REALLY helps explain what went on!! Thank you!

[@MissSarahGM]

Very insightful point! What I have noticed in the avoidant man I have had a romantic connection with, is that niceness is a façade, behind I could feel a lot of ambivalent feelings towards me and the relationship. Being nice as you said, an "overcompensation" for not providing the emotional openness, but also as a way to hide the anger and the ambivalence we all have in us as humans as that he doesn't seem able to own and hold within him. It also boils down to maintaining a false self when in relationship... people pleasing, not owning one''s weaknesses and vulnerability. The point is that being exposed to that constant seeming façade in a person who besides that can act out avoidant behaviors (flaking for example), I have felt a lot of tension and hidden anger. Therefore I understand that if being in relationship means to them pretending that everything is fine and not asserting themselves, they may feel like being alone is more relaxing emotionally. It's also about the ability to be your own self with another person, and thus about boundaries.

[@theroomnumber5210]

They don't understand the trauma and hurt they are causing others because most of us would be ok if someone said "I am not ready to be in a relationship, I want to be alone". But they apply their sensitivity to rejection upon rest of us. They probably believe they are doing less harm this way but they are causing a long term hurt through this "niceness". It is rather unfortunate.

[@MissSarahGM]

In my case, he first was very much pushing for getting close and being in a relationship as if we were already a couple. It was after a few weeks as we were spending everyday together that I brought up the talk about it, that he expressed hesitancy and not being ready yet, needing time to get to know each other. So I could not say he was not honest but it took him a while to say that and I was hooked already. He has all the characteristics of quiet borderline and avoidant attachment and he is aware of his "intimacy" issues. I finally initiated contact again after breaking up and he was responsive but controlling the pace and taking his time in between contacts. However it is a texting exchange that is "nice", even flirty, but when it gets intimate, he cuts if off abruptly. He can initiate, sent a email related to our good time, but has never asked "how are you?" in a month, despite all the niceness and friendliness. That is especially awkward and at this point, I want to shake him up and cause him to break his nice facade and open up. But I also know I can't force someone to be vulnerable if they don't want to. I suppose if they don't reject us completely, it is to enjoy our validation, or they have no clue about what they want.

[@theroomnumber5210]

@@MissSarahGM - I am sorry for your suffering. I feel your pain. Somehow, we feel we need for them to make up their mind, if they are going to open up or not, if they will be in a relationship or not. We don't have to do that. If we take control and make peace with the fact that this person cannot love us the way we want to be loved, we can walk away peacefully. But it is HARD to the say the least because we are overwhelmed the potential of what it could have been.

[@MissSarahGM]

TheRoomNumber (by the way, I like your username), thank you for the kind words. After almost two months of no contact, I decided to reach out and he replied. It's been a month and he has replied "nicely", even flirty sometimes, but never really opens up and takes days to reply to my messages on whatsapp. Recently he initiated talking about a poem he wrote when we were together. When I replied back about our common interest and poetry, he took almost two days to open my texts.. And replied with a low effort one. It is hurtful and confusing to me. I know it could be his BPD, but this hot and cold behaviors are difficult to read. All behind a façade of "niceness", he replies, even initiates and is nice, but it is not going anywhere. He avoids any intimate chat. I wonder why he even talks to me then.

[@rondae7121]

Sarah M I've been in that scenario before. Red flag alert, became surreal, toxic, scary, weird. Let him go!!!!!!!!

[@fruitblossomblue1133]

This is amazing! This ultra-nice behavior of the avoidant actually exists? I thought I was crazy and misunderstood his contradicting behavior and statements all the while being sooooo nice, so something must be wrong with me! Thank you

[@j_mae999]

I came from alcoholic family and I can completely related to all of this. I am currently in a relationship where I feel invalidated and rejected constantly. My nervous system goes all over the place. Most times my partner has no idea why I’m so upset or sick or depressed. I won’t even bother bringing up my feelings because he will never understand.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

J Mae, Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@anthonyduckworth1098]

I experienced this in my previous relationship. I could not put my finger on it but you have reveled it. Thanks Alan.

[@jandl9417]

That’s exactly how I feel, my spouse used that for years and when I try to confront he just said why are you always mad about something:( I feel bad bc he seems to always behave so “ nicely” but I finally told him he’s like a shell:(

[@mollyinthemoment4991]

This is one of the best most relatable videos I've listened to!! Thank you so much!!!!!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for letting me know this video resonates. Thank you for valuing my effort. If you connect with this video then you may also like to get in on our conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@TheLUCYCAT]

Wow, this is so on point with a person I am dealing with. And It's giving me an insight on my own issues. Thank you so much.

[@peacejoy8454]

TheLUCYCAT I agree! I am over here like this is my family’s dynamics all day everyday.

[@sahraze8324]

such an important take on the dynamic! never heard this perspective before

[@AthenaWeaver]

I am trying to figure out proper boundaries with others, how to balance my need for emotional connection, my inclination towards being confessional and maybe too open, and the appropriate needs of others to work up to those kinds of emotional connections. After divorce from an emotionally unavailable partner (who received my request for deeper connection as a criticism), I find myself 2 years out, having lost all close friends (people I was friends with under that same dynamic of emotional unavailability) and realizing I have no healthy, close relationships with family. I'm pretty isolated and sometimes reach out to more casual friends, but I don't want to scare them off, although by the time I reach out, I'm usually to the point of being extremely stressed and "needy". Also figuring out how to gauge whether they are receptive and open since I have been stuck in this pattern of attracting stoicism into my life and being stuck spinning my wheels in a victim like position.

[@Seeker0fTruth]

Jamie E I could’ve written that all but the divorce. I get it and I am asking the same questions...

[@VaivaPaula95]

At least the way I learned to distinguish between nice-unavailable and nice-available is that usually the nice-available people are generally nice, like they would have the bubbly or warm personality, they would be the ones to show they care, to offer their help or maybe even push it, they want to make good by everybody, they aren't just nice when 'touched', they spring up to help or to accommodate you before you might even realize you need that help or accommodation.

[@agniem9698]

My mother is this overly nice, pleasant person. I always saw our relationship as good enough until my last visit. Every time I wanted to talk about us, our family situation I met with a wall of emotional unavailability. Her answers to my questions were mostly random, sometimes direct comparison of our family with other families known to her within 20 miles distance. Her explanations that others are in a worse hell and still cope made me realize that she avoids talking about herself. I better let her go and be who she is.

[@CrisStuart]

Agnie M Is she a scorpio?

[@CrisStuart]

Agnie M I mean...her zodiac sign...

[@agniem9698]

Pisces

[@debraharmstrong3898]

Why Scorpio? Bit puzzled.

[@mellima4226]

@Agnie M I see what you're saying. I've been there. For me, it was a painful experience. for now... After I have lower my expectations and except them for who they are, taking care of myself...such a relieve. I hope you're in a better place now

[@DominiqLi]

Wow…. This just hit home for me for a recent experience with someone who is emotionally detached, but VERY accommodating and nice, very, very nice.. and it did feel surreal, strange, and you said it, ‘BIZARRE’… to a point where I started to feel crazy, unable to describe what the situation is.. wow

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this resonates. Thanks for the comment. Since this video spoke to you, you may also like to take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@kevinn5976]

I always picked emotionaly unavailable woman, because I modeled them on my mother. In hindsight I couldn't have handled a loving person until I started to heal.

[@ladennayoung2939]

Yeah. I was just telling someone that healing before trying to get into a relationship is very important.

[@lenwelch2195]

Had a year relationship with someone who I didn’t know any more about them than you would after a third date . I believe it happened because it was a lesson . It showed me what I didn’t want . Total shell of a person with nothing inside .

[@untitleduntitled6257]

This actually reminds me of my own patterns in relationships. Automatically responding, trying to be so, so nice mostly to earn their connection so I can sit in my bunker knowing that if I got out, right now, there would be something waiting for me. Of course I never do and the connection usually fades when I inevitably start avoiding them because I become afraid of that connection. It's to the point that I don't really know HOW to be emotionally available, and I think it's something that's running in the family.

[@LLee719]

Kudos to you for owning it! That is the first step to getting “out of that cold, lonely bunker”. Come in to the sunshine, it is nice here...

[@pasteldreams5413]

Dude. This is completely me. I want to connect with people so, so badly, but it never works out. I start to open up to them. It works out for a couple of weeks, then it happens. The feeling of fear, of nausea, of such an intense lack of comfort that I can't sleep. It hits me and I start to move away. I avoid contact as much as possible and, if I can, try and cut off ties altogether. I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know how to be stable. I can't stop myself from experiencing that feeling. It comes whether I want it to or not. I hate this.

[@elgeebee5250]

@@pasteldreams5413 lean in, leaaaaan in. You might have a nervous system response that is trying to protect you. But if it's a genuinely open individual they can mirror that, sacrificially absorb some of that pain/fear/energy, and you will feel freer and lighter. It's like starting a fitness program, you're scared, you're not sure if you can handle or want the new system of experience (literally). You might get left, you might break down if it's serious. But no one can TRULY hurt you. You are strong. Lean in

[@blair8225]

This is me too, lost a really good woman because of it.🤦‍♂️

[@taramarielosey8115]

@@elgeebee5250 well described….leaning in. it is new, and experiencing the process can be fearful. however, stay aware of the fact that the other person also experienced or expereinces the same emotions, and y’all lean on one another… hence relation to similar emotions with different experiences.

[@christianone6611]

I'm only 2 minutes into this video and YOU HAVE NAILED it already!!!!! Yes!!!!! That's EXACTLY what I'm going through now. That's exactly what I feel like. I hit the subscribe button already amd have no idea what you're going to say next...but I am GLUED to the screen ready and excited to see how I can learn from this. Thank you so much for making this video and for saying the perfect words to describe what it FEELS like to date an avoidant, absent invalidating partner who also says they love you and want to spend their life together....WHAT??!!!?? SCREECH on the record player! Yes!!

[@jeannined7532]

Wow, you just described my relationship with my sister. When I am talking to her and listen to my body, it fels like I have writhing snakes of shame crawling in my belly. It's like talking to a ghost, and out of the blue, the ghost texts me and says, "I love you so very much!" No context, only surface, whipped cream sweet fantasy conversations. Crazymaking to the max.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this resonates. I hear you. I can imagine these dynamics with your sister can be challenging. Thank you for valuing my effort to share this topic. If this video spoke to you then you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@pamelaredd5967]

I dated 2 men like this - one for about 6 months and the other for about 8 months. They were both “nice guys”. One was active in the church - always helping others. The other one did not go to church but was the go-to, very helpful type. Except when it came to being emotionally present in the relationship. When I talked about wanting more - the relationships ended. Neither one seemed to understand what I was even talking about. And neither was interested in trying. What you said about feeling invalidated - that was exactly how I felt. And it was so confusing. I couldn’t understand how they could be so nice but not nice enough to try and give more in the relationship. So - thank you for this. It’s been very helpful. I’m thankful I didn’t spend anymore time trying to get either one to be different.

[@natalierachellouisesantana]

OMFG THANK you for being alive!!! So grateful to find you this evening.. this shit has been all too real.. tho i am dealing with someone who verges on being abusive, ie. mean, provocative behaviour sabotaging our connection.. but yeah, the nice part also resonating. Thank you!!

[@roxannelyons-richards4238]

Hi, this is the second video I am listening to and I must say you are so on point....wow. They are very very helpful

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the feedback. Glad to hear the videos are helpful for you. If you like this content then consider joining the Improve Your Relationships Community. There is a full video library with 24/7 access and others like you learning about different ways of relating. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community It may also be interesting for you to learn about what is driving the emotional unavailability for people including ourselves at times. Learning about attachment distress can help us build understanding for each other. If you are interested in building relationship skills then The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course might be for you. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Thanks again for your comment.

[@majorenkova]

Wow. You just hit the nail on the head. Thank you

[@Slow11ferrets]

This video is wonderful. It breaks the concept down so well, and succinctly, thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my efforts. Glad it brings you benefit. You're welcome to join us in our conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@davidnyro19]

"Can we put the kitten calendar down?" LMAO. One of the best lines I've heard in months! Yes, step away from the kitten calendar. Too funny.

[@bruceprigge5212]

Thank you! 😊

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You're welcome. Glad you like this one. You may also like to take the relationship quiz www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@peggyharris3815]

When "nice" becomes a four-letter word.

[@PennyJackson123]

Thank you for you videos! You are truly amazing for helping and educating us this way! I am forever grateful

[@strangeland4062]

I felt like I was always trying so hard to get some type of emotional connection with my family and I was constantly being brushed off. When I spoke up about it, that's when they got angry. It was definitely perceived as a criticism, and I was told that I expectations were unrealistic - that I was expecting perfection and that was wrong.

[@eoinMB3949]

Your expectations were not unrealistic. That was the group/family dynamic trying to shame you into falling in line with the others.

[@Jess-ew3tm]

Strangeland same. i kinda cut them all off bc of this. I don't deserve to be treated this way and neither does anyone else on the receiving end.

[@Suzu52]

I am presently being ostracized by both of my brothers because I dared calling them out on their avoidant behaviors....(being invited to family holiday dinners and NOT even a response, over and over....they at least showed up when my parents were alive) ..I tolerated it for decades because I love them, but when they started doing it to my now adult son who invited them to various celebrations, like his baby's christening or a xmas dinner, and they would not even answer, that's when it was enough..Even if you have social anxiety or are an introvert,it takes nothing to say you will attend or you won't...it's so strange and so rude....So I finally started calling them out on it....So now it's just me teaching out and being rebuffed .It has caused me a lot of pain....After years worths of so many texts, unanswered voice mails , I am trying to learn to let go....My younger brother (when I told him I was upset because I had invited him to xmas dinner and he didn t show up or even text, )his response-" Don't have any expectations and you won't be disappointed"...They are the only remaining siblings I have.....so sad but I have to learn to accept it......I idolized my older brother....he has helped me so much throughout my life....Never could have foreseen in our 60's that we wouldn't be in each other s lives.....I see other peoples' strong sibling relationships and it hurts.

[@REJ5557]

@Strangeland - me too. When I spoke up about my anxieties in my family relationships, my family found ways of shutting me down. It always felt like I was the little boy in the Emperor’s New Clothes, pointing out that something wasn’t right. My family hid behind a shield of superficial ‘niceness’ that belied the hidden trauma in all of us. One of my brothers always behaves in a nice way, always cracking jokes and playing the fool. He is 62 years old now, and I’m 57, and we have never had a single conversation or exchange that tells me we are connected in any way at all. These days, I have no contact with them. Or to be completely truthful, they have no contact with me because I’ve stopped trying. I’ve essentially been ghosted by my entire family, who appear to only accept others if they can maintain the appearance of ‘niceness.’ I’ve always described my family as being ‘the family that never was.’ Because it wasn’t really there. It was more like a mirage or an illusion. We authentic individuals know when we connect with others, and when we don’t.

[@stephanie_smith]

@@REJ5557 ooooooh do I identify with "the family that never was"...gosh that a brilliant way to put that!!

[@elieve]

You are truly amazing. I have watched many videos on KZbin but the depth and accuracy is almost insane. As if you were part of my journey. Is there a way I can plan a session with you? 🌹

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work and thank you for your interest in working together. Glad to hear this content is of benefit. If this content is helpful then you may also want to chime in on the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, all information on counseling can be found on this site: www.alanrobarge.com/counseling

[@kathryn.rollins]

Thank you so much. Definitely feeling less invalidated now. Big love Alan

[@curlymixednezz]

Wow... you have totally put into words exactly how I am feeling... Thank you so much for making this video... You have no idea how much this has helped me

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

glad to hear this video resonated. Thank you for your comments. Please subscribe if you haven't already and share this video with others. Thanks.

[@Moonbeam729]

I think my girlfriend is like this and I had a friend who was like this too and we aren't friends anymore because it really stressed me out.

[@taramarielosey8115]

it is stressful because we care about the person so much we want to either help them.. or tolerate less cohnnection so that we can be ‘avaialble’ to them when they might be ‘ready’….and if we stand in our level of ability, things do dissipate.. naturally and very unfortunately… so we either stay and remain less connected.. or walk away… i used to believe it was me, not being loved or not being accepted .. but a person here earlier said.. we have to accept they are not aware of how to love or connect so the relationship will be destroyed … two forces.. one to connect and one unable - then there is awareness and willingness to take the step toward healing and “ leaning in”

[@SharonKBM]

Thank you. This makes me feel very validated.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this video resonates. You're welcome.

[@Lyrielonwind]

It sounds to me like a coping self defense mechanism like a people's pleaser. They don't want to hurt anyone but don't want to be hurted.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Great insight.

[@callisto744]

Thanks. I have watched this video many times. It's the only video I found that resonated with me about a recent situation and I watch it when I need a reminder of how it felt. I miss him every day but I can't feel this way ever again.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for watching - I can tell from your comment that you were engaged with this content. I appreciate that you value this work and that it is benefitting you. If you found this information helpful, please consider checking out my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. In this course, I break down the different ways that we respond to distress in our relationships - usually based off of our past and present experiences with attachment wounds and injuries. Understanding the how and why of our behaviors when it comes to responding to distress can provide us a way to nurture and pursue healthier ways of relating. Take the quiz now to find out more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Please also know that there is support for learning how to heal and grow through the community I started, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@carissaprice4373]

This is very me. It is a coping mechanism because I am always anxious and it gets overwhelming. I don’t want to feel disliked, so I deny my feelings. I am such an avoider. Love was always toxic and manipulative, so it is so hard to let especially romantic partners in. And I need lots of time alone. Because I just default to nice. I go to codependents anonymous trying to get better about this. I am finding that being genuine doesn’t kill me and so I am trying. Baby steps.

[@belleiccm9801]

Thank you very much, Alan, for articulating my feelings and experiences with my ex bf! The dissonance, increasing sense of the surreal and that something was off and then got very, very off. It was like you saw our relationship unfolding and was describing it🙂

[@jcat7553]

Thank you for your healing validation

[@sylhomeo6351]

Thank you so much for this! No one ever made sense of my situation like you. You are giving me the support I so much needed. Can’t wait to hear your other videos, please keep them coming.