Emotional Unavailability and Non Stop Talking

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@tanickasinclair7035]

This is Jennifer Sinclair. You are what keeps me sane. This is all about my MOTHER!!!!!!!! No one else has EVER articulated this and why it happens!!!!!!

[@rustinequigley2838]

Thank you for this video. I usually get caught with people like that so trying to wake up to it and move on. Nice to hear it explained I’ve been the listener my whole life!

[@amyhartnett4374]

Well I like the way you talk and explain things. That is a skill needed to convey information in a digestible form. Thank you for your videos!

[@deannastatler7712]

I stopped having friends because these are the people I attract. I'm a listener. I'm done sitting for hours listening to people talk about themselves never asking anything about me or when I say something it is ignored. I can't stand seeing people in restaurants talking someone's head off about themselves and the person/ people with them are just nodding and saying oh? Really? Okay. Blah blah blah. I'm done hanging out with someone who loves the sound of their own voice and is entirely self-centered. I'd rather be alone.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Good awareness. Glad this video resonated for you. There is clarity in your comment. If this content is helpful and you would like to learn new relating skills then you may find helpful insight from the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. Thanks for commenting.

[@cassiebennet4262]

I'm getting to that point. It's exhausting.

[@ginagray8040]

Same here, I atttract those types.

[@jane_7193]

Exactly.

[@veronicalagor4771]

Same. Happens every time I decide to get up and actively try opening up and making friends. A part of me dies and it feels like a constant cycle. Then people tease me for being "shy" and "quiet".

[@queenana9]

It’s draining to talk with these people. They even will continuously cut you off if you attempt to get a word in

[@jbela]

That's my toxic family members

[@Zorro746]

I have business partner like that and it's draining

[@markchristopher2509]

@@jbela Mine too. I thought it was a Midwest thing.

[@veronicalagor4771]

Oof, just described my entire office.

[@transitionsnc]

Exactly.

[@rebeccajones8628]

This reminds me of a friend I have. I would fall asleep while on the phone with her. She was incredibly self absorbed and I enabled her. BUT, when I broke up with my boyfriend and needed to talk, she left the conversation and said she had to go. The next time we spoke I said "Hey, i have been your "unofficial therapist for 2yrs and you cannot listen to me for one conversation?". So I drew the line and blew her off. 6 yrs later we are confined. She was worried about me and got a message to me asking for my new #. She wanted to start the old cycle. I told her right in the first conversation ' I cannot be listening to all your stuff like I used to'. I cannot be her 'free' therapist anymore.

[@Dzkhadouj]

Good for you

[@catherinewylie6959]

If you reconnected with her, did she honor the boundary or what is the same old thing? A couple of my friends can't seem to help themselves and I've lost patience.

[@mindset_olympics2]

The obsession with themselves is like a pathology they cannot help until its causing them enough issues where they reevaluate and want to be better. Unfortunately, there’s always gonna be someone who “overlistens” to enable that overtalking behavior though. If its not you they may find another “host”

[@exastrisscientia9678]

This happens a lot to me. I used to sit and listen attentively and be polite. Now if someone talks at me I will listen to a point but then disengage and will disconnect from the conversation even if that means, worse case scenario, getting up and walking away.

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

I bought my mom a shirt that said, "Help, I'm talking and I can't shut up!" I never had the nerve to give it to her.

[@BlendedBarbieDoll]

I understand 💯

[@virgomanifesting5414]

If that were me I would just get it and always wear it whenever I saw her lol or any known person that does not shut up. By the way, I need that shirt!

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

@@virgomanifesting5414 *chuckle*

[@fjj310]

Moms are the worse

[@alleynejoelle]

Perfect! I need this for my mom. But she is so overly sensitive she would be so hurt.

[@joannehettich7122]

Being in this exact situation for six years I understand. This video has really given me some clarity. I have been beating myself up for years being in this long term relationship with the emotionally removed talker. He was a good man to me but he never shut the hell up and constantly complaining and would tell the same stories over and over and over again. Yes, I was the huh huh person on the other end of the one sided conversation 90 percent of the time. And that was good enough for him. He just wanted me to hear him talk it seemed like. And as you said he never clued in that I was not interested. Thank you for sharing this video. It has really helped me to move on peacefully. I still care about him but I know there is nothing I can do to change the fact that it is all about him and always will be. There is too much going on in his head to ever let me in and have a healthy relationship. I knew it on the 1st date. Six years later I finally couldn't take it anymore..........and then ended it. And you know what? He just blames it all on me. He really has no clue...But you know what, that's o.k. I'll except that if it makes him feel better. I don't need to be right. I just needed to be done. Thanks again for all the information and help.

[@icedoll2392]

joanne omg same in my relationship! Five years in and its maddening! He never asks me anything about me or my life! Would rather talk at me, telling me the same thing over and over, rather than having sex! Im over it.

[@BlendedBarbieDoll]

This is me in some ways but 14 years in and married. He will occasionally ask me about myself but I’m usually so exhausted and worked things out internally I don’t have anything to share. He and his family talk about work constantly, he dad calls him multiple times a day, every day it’s just tiresome. I often just stay in another part of the house.

[@lindakay1700]

Joanne, I have a friend just like this! Finally ended it a week ago after 2 years of listening to her complain with no concern about me or my needs or problems! She’s not a “bad person” I’ve known her for years! But I had to end this extremely one sided situationship that was draining me dry! It’s been SO peaceful the last few days not having my brains scrambled by that nattering of negativity! ❤️

[@patrickfyall3536]

I can relate to it all, 11 years in, and Just learning about this. My partner has this problem. Everything out of her mouth, is a complaint. This hurts, that hurts, she doesn't feel like this, or that. Constantly bringing up work, rambling about problems, Constantly telling stories of her life/childhood, She says the same things over and over a lot of times. Its hard to get a word in! She has the need to over explain things. No matter how bored I sound, she doesn't stop. Smh. She's easily triggered, so it doesn't take much to spark a rant! Then me being introverted, with ADD. lts pure misery sometimes. I feel so drained when she's around. Smh.

[@zaxele]

Similar story in my family. My mom and I left him after 30 years, 30 years too long. We endured him all the time and still he blamed everything on us. Now we don't know if he's really more healthy living alone (if he's not I'm sure he would also blame it on us for leaving him) but we surely are. We were ill all the time when we were with him. What's ironic is that he has moved a few times since we separated, and he always blamed it on his neighbors being too noisy. He recently bought a new house very far away and he's going to move next year. My mom wants to help him pack and move this time. I wonder if it's going to be the last time he moves, since he's getting really old. We told him to live somewhere close to us so we can help him if anything happens and he doesn't listen, he never listens to anyone.

[@asstanley8438]

I work with a young woman like this. It's exactly like you say, there's no turn taking. And she fears silence I think.

[@Plasmafox]

A lot of behavior I see seems driven by a fear of silence. That what they're really creating a barrier from is their own thoughts and feelings. They have to talk or have music/tv on loud at all times to drown out the demons

[@rubberbiscuit99]

When you are the only one worried about being respectful...

[@dvickerwoman]

Being in a relationship with a talkaholic was the most desperately lonely time in my entire life. The constant dismissal and rejection. I used to mentally refer to him as “the auctioneer” because he would talk faster and faster during conflicts. And, just like in the video, I used to put the phone down and go get a coffee or snack and he wouldn’t even notice. Finally, during one of the hours-long talking sessions, where he appeared to be raging, but insisted “I’m not ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” , I smashed a vase on the floor to just somehow make a break in the wall of talk/shouting at me and get his attention. Because of that, he said the relationship ended because I had a propensity toward “physical violence”. I still get a knot in my stomach when I think of the talking and am so glad he is gone.

[@pigpink1971]

Maybe I need to break a vase. 😉

[@jane_7193]

🤣🤣😂

[@emilschneider9974]

OMG! And its also very tiring I find. This person you speak of sounds like the "victim" type. Blaming everyone but them selves and when you broke the vase, he probably realised that you were about to set a boundary! So he broke up with you to let you know that he is in control, not you! I have a self centered older sister who talks insessently who behaves badly if she doesn't get what she wants!

[@leann5929]

As a care taker people pleaser I endured hours of boring being talked at. Now that I'm not a people pleaser I no longer allow myself to be a doorpost. I disengage as soon as possible & tho I still get a twinge of guilt it is worth the sweet relief of not listening anymore. Your video finally gave me the why of this - as an emotional wall for protection. I thought it was a symptom of mental illness. Loving your videos and spreading the word!

[@eceerdem317]

me too

[@truballr32]

Lol “twinge of guilt” but definitely true

[@helenr6172]

My friend does this. She is so absorbed with her own problems and thoughts you cant get a word in. I spend a lot less time with her now.

[@jbela]

That happened with me and my cousin she was always monopolizing the conversation let alone the text.

[@peaches75x]

A talk/not talker almost never asks questions. My mother is exactly this type of absorbed strategist. It’s sad and frustrating that she doesn’t understand how to connect. I hadn’t framed her behaviour this way before - thanks for sharing these ideas.

[@karenlacina2720]

Yes!! I completely agree with you!! These people will not ask questions. It's almost like they don't care how your doing, how was work today, how was your trip to Spain!?????!!! I know so many of these people. Their phone call usually starts out as, "I called because I have to tell you......" or 'I called because I need you to ......".

[@silviaschulz9712]

Hi. Actually I am one of those excessive talkers myself. I call it babbling. I know it is most of the time disrespectful for the person at the end of my talking. It is actually not about connecting, the other person doesn't really play a role, beside providing the safe space for processing myself. I do it to structure my intrusive thoughts, to get some clearity into my crazy mind (I am deeply traumatized).... The person doing it cannot stop it or connect with the other person at that moment, as the inner storm is so huge, that there is no space for anyone else - it is not a communication therefore. I can imagine, it is hard for someone who has to endure it.

[@ernestinemorrison2799]

Silvia Schultz the first step in changing a behavior is awareness and you have let all of us know that you know what you're doing and why. Michael Jackson said talk to the person in the mirror. That's where change begins. Whew

[@Spirituallove2000AD]

Wow perfectly put were survival mode not living a ZOE life.

[@araceligonzalez-albarran2812]

U explained it pretty well... too many thoughts to process, n u feel like ur going to forget. Every detail has to be said to be understood...

[@Paarthurnaxdova]

Silvia Schulz thanks for being so open about this! As an INFP personality type I call these people (venters), because they use others to vent their thoughts on. For me, it’s exhausting to be on the receiving end of a venter. I avoid those people at all cost..

[@bamslackwood433]

I can tell

[@jammyjay917]

All the talking does my head in... i distance myself with these types of people now... ❤❤

[@vednobolje]

These Emotional Unavailability videos are priceless! I just stopped seeing someone who did this but I didn't realize it fully until now. I got pulled into the content because he's an interesting person and I liked hearing about him and his life as we were still getting to know each other... but there was always a feeling of him hiding behind the talking and whenever I could get a word in, there was practically no or only minimal response before he went back to his monologue. The "niceness" was confusing as hell, also. Don't even get me started on "delayed responding"...! It was hard letting go, because I feel for him as I was once deeply avoidant, too. But (sadly) I can't change anyone... and I want more from my relationships. Thank you for talking about this.

[@MichaelBroder]

My husband (now estranged) did this. Actually, it’s part of his charm, at least at first blush. He never talks about himself. It’s always his ideas about literature, culture, critical theory, etc., including sassy dish about writers, artists, etc. The “audience” eats it up. As did I, when I first met him. But after 20 years with a husband who engaged in all three of the communication styles that Alan discussed in this and the two preceding videos, I was drowning and suffocating and finally found the courage to leave.

[@CRFSUIGENERIS]

This exact situation happened to me. Great clarity on this subject. Thanks in advance to Alan. The talker unconsciously uses you as a sounding board. I was naive to think it was some form of relating. I thought they were interested in me and my empathetic qualities. They were, but it became my primary use and overshadowed my inherent worth as a person that needed reciprocity as well. My mistake for allowing that quality to prove how valuable I was. I’m aware now that I’m a “prover” by being a good listener. I just can’t fathom someone caring or showing interest in you without you “working hard” in the relationship. I need to nix this people pleasing behavior before I collude with being taken advantage of again. I think I’m addicted to feeling useful to someone. 🤔 Hmm. Lots to work on so I don’t repeat that unhealthy dynamic with another “accidental” emotionally available person. Gosh, I choose people that reinforce how I need to work to be “loved”. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@jeannined7532]

Thank you for this insightful look at your own motives in this dynamic. I'm an empathetic listener too and have the same belief about being a "prover" and needing to work hard to matter to anyone. I grew up in a family of narcissistic parents, so this belief comes so naturally! Am actually seeing a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse, codependency etc. Hope your journey is leading to a place where you know you are worthy of reciprocity in relationships!

[@raccoondon488]

I’m 72 years old and have been not allowed to talk at all or interrupted way too much ( all my life ) by various people that are incapable of being silent. I often just give up on people and let them blab and blab and blab ENDLESSLY. Here is what works for me. I try hard to avoid those people at all cost. Thus the problem is solved. Out of sight , out of mind.

[@alastairsmith7383]

Was in a long distance relationship with someone like this for a year, when the lightbulb finally switches on and you realise that even though you talk for hours on the phone you never really discuss anything, it really hurts. You realise that the other person isn’t even interested in knowing you. After the breakup I tried to get them back and just to hit the point home, when I asked if they missed me, they told me that they just missed talking to me 😂

[@irlandaise5631]

It sucks , I have friends like that you cannot discuss anything and they change subjects . However I keep them as friends to hang out with and hope to meet new friends . I d still keep them but will try to hang out as a group and see them less often . At least they are willing to hang out . I think they are insecure and maybe hiding something so that’s why you cannot discuss anything . It’s sad . All I know is that couldn’t marry a man like that , I’ve had few men who asked me out and you couid see in the first conversation that they weren’t really interested to get to know you and if a man approaches Me and can’t let me talk then he is not someone for me .

[@karenlacina2720]

You've truly 'hit the nail on the head'!!! People talking and telling stories of other people 3 times removed from our relationship!! I don't understand these people. I don't even know your sister-in-law much less than her mother's brother's friend!! I don't care about that they are refinancing their mortgage! etc etc etc. I can't take it anymore. So what's the answer? Cut off the relationship?? When you mentioned the 'seeds' that you plant in the conversation to turn it around to a relevant, emotional point that I'm sharing about myself and it gets run over by flood of nonsense coming from the talkers mouth. Very hurtful!! Extremely dismissive. This is why the I don't bother to contribute to this sea of words.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this spoke to you. Thanks for your reflections. You have great awareness. I can empathize with how these dynamics can be hurtful. If you're curious about learning how to navigate relationship dynamics you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@veggiemctaco1537]

Intelligent, empathetic, and eloquent. extremely therapeutic and healing words.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

The Factualizer Such nice words. They are well received. Thank you for watching the video.

[@heidibrigham411]

This is great! My husband is a monologue king! 25 years of marriage and this hits the nail on the head! Thank you for articulating what I couldn’t ❤️

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the feedback. Glad this content is of benefit for you. Thanks for valuing my work.

[@julieanna8495]

Yes. After awhile it feels as if I am in a college lecture and need to be taking notes, or something.🙄😐🫤

[@julieanna8495]

@@AlanRobargeHealingTraumaAnd Alan, we SO much appreciate your work. You are a breath of springtime amidst a landscape of self-helpers who really are not.😐🫤😦. They are only on KZbin to rehash THEIR dealings with difficult people. You, however, give us REAL information and tools to help. Thank you again.

[@dawna4185]

i used to be drawn to the "talk to much and not listen" types....i felt comfortable around them. being known was too darn scary for me at that time. i had so much shame and truly did not know my true self....i deliberately steered the convo towards them if it veered off towards me. panic set in......now, i have it mostly figured out. the "talk too much" types now annoy the crap out of me and i find myself staying away from them. at first it was hard because i found myself "all alone" until i realized i needed to develop my love for self and learn to be my own best friend. it has made all the difference in the world!! thanks for the information here, alan xo

[@faridahalihassan8005]

This is so relatable

[@dawna4185]

❤@@faridahalihassan8005

[@DWXY]

I have a close family member like this. I find it incredibly frustrating. I’m afraid I can’t find any feeling of sympathy for them. I was interested in hearing what you have to say, although confused when you talked about wanting a deeper connection. I just want to spend as little time with them as possible. I perceive them as a vampire sucking energy out of everyone around them.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. These dynamics can be challenging. Many of us can relate.

[@brightstar8867]

This video is very confusing to me. I talk... A lot as a way of relating. I talk in an effort to build closeness. I realize at times I talk way too much. I've been mindful of that and try to shut up a lot. However in my marriage, which is now over (separated pending divorce) I always got the sense that I was talking at him and he never responded. So I kept talking in an effort to get him to engage. This video worries me. I thought he was emotionally unavailable. But according to this it's me? I have worked I'm being a good listener and feel like I'm able to do that with others but never felt connected to him. So confused

[@abbykoop5363]

I have been on both sides of this. In a situation where I couldn't even squeeze in that I needed to call my dog in, so just did it anyway, and the person on the other end of the phone just kept on talking while I was calling my dog. Or in a relationship where I would be expressing myself and they would just start talking over top of me like I wasn't talking. But, I've also been on the side where I am doing all the talking, especially in cases where I try to engage the other person but even after asking a question I would get a one or two word answer and then dead air space...so I just filled it up. I find communicating with other people....other than "hey, how are you?" or other superficial nonsense....very challenging. No one seems to want to be "real".

[@joh37get]

I like the phrase "talking/not talking." It says it all. Now I know where the suffocating feelings come from, the sense of being trapped with no escape and the low frustration tolerance. Thanks for laying it out clearly.

[@markchristopher2509]

It's a relief to know I'm not along in this experience

[@mireillelebeau2513]

there is some kind of control in the Non Stop Talking, there is no relationship wanted, but some kind of victimize the listener and don't let him the time to express his or her feelings. Non stop talkers what are your fear?

[@Herbs-4-life]

This is my experience with my husband. Everything you are saying is what I feel. Yes! yes! It is not only that I can’t get a word in and that I can’t engage it’s that I feel I’m being asked to betray my sense of self and true identity. Not only does he do the non stop talking but every conversation seems to remind him of something from his childhood. He also does not listen when someone else speaks and seems to pause instead of listening and just wait until he can have more non stop talking again. If he noticed people are pulling back he tries to force conversation that no one wants to have. I’m getting to the point of saying this is not working for me. What you say is what we need to hear.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

These sound like helpful reflections. Glad to hear this video helped you process. You mapped your thoughts out with good clarity. Good for you for seeking out resources to access deeper insight.

[@pigpink1971]

I’ve told my husband before that I didn’t want to hear the details of something and he’s told me that he doesn’t care, that he wants to say it. I talk very little to/with him because it turns into some logistical garbage pouring out of his mouth instead of a normal conversation. He says he wants to have conversations with me, but he has no idea how to have one. Then sometimes I’ll be taking and he lets himself be distracted by stupid things that could wait.

[@miguelinatoro1438]

Thanks for this video. I have been feeling like an evil person for ending a relashionship a few weeks ago with a guy who talks too much and also seems to have anger management issues. He screams a lot, or the contrary; or was excesivelly happy, laughs at his own jokes that he repeats over them over and over...now I know that I made the right desicion.

[@luciem5372]

I have literally put the phone down walked away and come back to hear the person still talking! I now interrupt or cut people off. My daughter chastised me once for walking away from a lady we ran into who wouldn't stop talking. I'm tired of people who can't listen!

[@jcat7553]

The thing I love about you Alan is you always show healthy examples of how it should be which I am totally lost on thank you for your healing and sharing

[@darlene9726]

WOW. Ive searched high and low for someone to say what I have been experiencing and I feel like you've just taken everything Im experiencing and put words to it. I could cry. Thank you

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this video resonates, thank you for sharing it was so moving for you. If this video speaks to you then you may also be interested in the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@petuniagranny2758]

This is my mother. She loves to talk on the phone. I love her and have to check in with her each day, because she lives so far away, but from the moment we get on the phone the talking starts and she very rarely wants an actual conversation. She wants to talk, and tell stories. This isn't old age. She has been this way as far back as I remember.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. I can imagine what it's like not being included in the conversation or the talking. Thanks for reflecting.

[@marlo2919]

My mother no matter what anyone says she always hijacks a conversation and makes it all about her and she even Chang the topic as if what the person wasn't saying anything important.

[@boyandcatmum]

I talk too much and it is very boring for the other person

[@occasionalotaku23]

Describes my in laws, sadly, perfectly! After visiting or otherwise engaging in contact with them I'm always left with the feeling that there was no content in the conversation (*more of a monologue than a conversation) and the whole thing was completely superficial! I keep contact to a minimum these days and feel much better as a result. Great video, you explain this phenomenon so clearly!

[@RH-ul2bc]

Wow. I know people like this. Never associated it with EU. Amazing. Thank you! Comes across as a type of venting or purging. I could put the phone down and come back 15 min later and never be missed is how it feels. Never did that but I could. It also happens with my friend in person. When we hike. He talks the entire time. Never considered it to be a disconnect.

[@kenediii_ryan]

Yes this was a major red flag on my first date with a recent short-term "relationship". We had just met for the first time & he launched into a story about a new radiator being installed. He went on for over an hour. He was uninterested in anything I tried to bring up or about my interests, he was so boring and disinterested I almost cried. Needless to say I ended up in a situation with someone who was entirely unavailable & got a bit hurt. I should have walked away. I'm glad this has been talked about here, as I thought it was all in my head.

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

When someone does this to you, you are being objectified.

[@amiwhite5514]

I have experienced this. With a boyfriend. I was expected to be a "listener" always. He would tell me things about interactions he had, or experiences, or things he had learned.. I would try to relate by making comments during a pause- but mostly just listening - saying "uh huh" or "oh wow" ..etc... but usually when I would try to comment - I would be told I was very rude and interrupting - that he wasn't done talking yet.. It is confusing because I was only trying to relate and share my experimences and ideas ... does anybody else have this happen? More than one person in my life has gotten very irate with me saying it is very rude. Am I just missing the meaning of conversation? How to know when to talk or just listen? Do some people dominate and not expect to listen as well?

[@BlinkinFirefly]

I know exactly what you mean. Conversation can certainly seem like an "art" in that way. It's a delicate balance of give and take between people. If a person has gone on and on about something and several minutes have gone by and there has been no "cue" to include you in the conversation, then it is definitely time to start picking a place to chime in. I usually collect a few things in my mind that I want to ask or add to what the person is saying. Then I wait for a pause. If the pause doesn't come and it's been like over five minutes, then pick the next "but" or "um" or other insignificant word the other person uses to fill the air, and jump in. You deserve to be heard in a conversation too! Otherwise interrupt with some excuse to exit the conversation. Like "Oh crap, I have to go pick up my laundry" or something, haha. If a person has been going on and on, and when you try to chime in they get offended, that's a clue that they are overly self-entitled. I would find ways to avoid somebody like that. They obviously don't want a REAL conversation. How boring :p

[@jbela]

Yes I get this a lot what a bunch of people at work and my family members, or just random people I noticed that when it's time for me to talk they changed the subject and they think I'm rude when I speak up on my behalf

[@cassiebennet4262]

That's exactly what my husband does to me. He talks for hours and can't stand it if I try to say anything.

[@ginagray8040]

Wow! I’m sorry! I guess this is pretty common.

[@im19ice3]

i've been monopolising conversations for a very long time, to the point i acknowledge it out loud and have to clear up to people that not only are they welcome to interrupt me whenever and in fact i'd be grateful if they did because it's a defense mechanism i have so internalised i space out as i do it :/ depends how i'm feeling but on good days i can limit myself enough to scale it back to more of an orquestration of the conversation, others can participate but only when cued and keeping it relevant to that moments subject, i do notice the emotional disposition of others but thats not enough to stop me :S my response doesn't move beyond telling more jokes in hopes of adressing the mood :( and i 200% do it out of both emotional constipation and socially anxious dependence on the illussion of control ;_; i'm not trying to be malicious, i'm just afraid to the point of irrationality

[@marycallahan4839]

I recently had 2 dates with a guy, we are in our 50’s, it was so strange that he talked about himself, but if I tried to talk about myself he did not even engage in that, he just went on about himself, this hit the nail on the head! I thought that “he was just not that into me”. This just saved my sanity! I felt that strange uncomfortable, something was so not right feeling that I had not ever remembered having before. Thank you!!

[@ems9392]

I do this sometimes and end up in to many relationships with people who do it too because we have so much pent up panic about being heard from our mentally ill emotionally abusive fathers so we don't know how to calm down and communicate slower because there's so much panic behind processing what other people are saying panicking that we won't be able to offer the connection they need to sustain safer feeling conversations

[@Plasmafox]

Being exposed to this behavior has definitely taught me to copy it. That when I DO get a break in the conversation and manage to take the floor, I have to say **everything ever** all at once because I won't get another chance to speak. And since I have a difficult time putting my thoughts in order, I have to do that while other people are talking to the detriment of my ability to listen. Because they won't wait for me when they're finally finished.

[@bluejay2687]

Generally people like this fill uncomfortable silences. I think a real friend can sit and just be and be relaxed about it. It’s kind of like controlling the atmosphere with the talkers babble and they actually think they are interesting. I went on a tour and realised how insecure these non stop talkers were and how I needed my space to detox from them. Learning what parts of you that intuit a real connection.

[@faithevolution552]

Thank you for making these videos about recognizing attachment trauma. Nothing else has explained the confusion that I have lived with for the past 31 years as well as these videos, including the non-stop talking. I am newly divorced and dating again, and your videos are helping me to recognize that what had been normal in my marriage is what destroyed my self esteem and my health. You have saved me from making this devastating mistake twice, and I know that when I have the money for a coach, I will call you.

[@CaToRi-]

My mom is 74 years old and since my dad died 12 years ago (he was a SOB and she never dared to leave him) she started the non stop talking. She love to receive visitors and to cook and to talk talk talk. Last 3 years have been hard for me in other matters and I received 0 support from her. Every time I tried to talk about me she interrupts me again and again. I think she knows something is wrong with me but she doesn’t want to deal with it. Is so uncomfortable to visit her on weekends and holidays because of the monologue.

[@roelofventer1729]

Alan, you are a treat.

[@RJLpt]

I can't pay attention to this video - even though I'm wearing headphones - because she won't shut up. I'm tired and in a bad place.

[@SchminnieB]

Thank you so much for covering this topic. I have never heard a professional address this before, and it was quite validating. It's so obvious that non-stop talking could be a strategy to avoid vulnerability/connection (since I experience longing as a response), yet I could never see it that way; I could only see it as self-absorption. Looking forward to learning some strategies for how I can improve my relationships with benign talkers or at least just accept their behavior--I will keep listening to your content. Three years later, and you are helping me. Thank you again.

[@Moonbunny55]

Lol! The worst!!!!! ADHD nature dictates nonstop, incessant talking. That’s been my experience. Not a very fun one I might add.

[@nataliesullivan5663]

Omg! This is one of the reasons I left a narcissistic relationship.Thanks for all of your videos..learn soo much

[@tbh9247]

I was married to this type of person. Just couldn't "partner" with her. Felt like I had to keep asking her to participate. She just kept talking about absolutely nothing. She's tolerable as a friend, but it still gets tiresome. I wish it would have been different.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for reflecting and for sharing your experience.

[@alisonsattler6396]

I don't stay connected to self-absorbed people, even if it's family. I've been much happier since I've started doing this.

[@Jenn-1222]

My spouse is autistic. He does this. There is zero reciprocity or mutual interest in any topics we discuss. Either he talks AT me or he ignores me when I try to share. If I try to discuss anything tension filled, he shuts down immediately. He only chooses safe topics too. And very boring topics of which I know nothing about.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for sharing your experience and for watching the video. I hear that you experience some communication struggles with your partner. You're not alone in these feelings. So many of us have been in the same situation, whether our partner's are neurotypical or neurodivergent. Since this is something you experience, I recommend looking into my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. I created this Community in order to provide a space for learning, growing, and healing for people from all over who have experienced attachment traumas or injuries. It is accessible 24/7, and the other members are so kind and supportive, as well as encouraging, toward one another. Come check it out and join in the conversation. It can be incredibly helpful discussing and learning about things that the other members can understand. We'd love to hear your thoughts and perspectives. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@EOlaCasas]

I love these videos! So much of this information matches my experiences and I feel like I am really beginning to understand these weird relationship dynamics I have been a part of.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the comment Erica. I can understand how satisfying it is when someone else "gets it." Sounds like you have more clarity. Good for you. And yes the dynamics are "weird." lol. Thanks for watching the video. If you find value in the videos, then you will find continued value in the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships, with the 8-week program of thematic, group discussions. The community is somewhat new. I welcome you into the group if you think it's the right fit. Please learn more by checking out this info page. Details to register are on the page as well. Thanks so much for your comment and kind words. I"m glad the content resonates. alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register

[@EOlaCasas]

Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist Thank you for the reply! I am wrapped up in introspection at the moment, but perhaps I will join at a later date. I have been recommending these videos to others, though!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks Erica. I also have folks who support the work by joining the community but don't actually participate. They sign up as patrons. Thanks for recommending the videos to others. I appreciate it.

[@DL-rl9bd]

Unfortunately, this was me, in my last long-term relationship. I believe it was one of the key factors in what destroyed us. Alan, it’s amazing how you identify and describe such specific, problematic nuances in relationships.

[@justmemother2]

Yes you talk and talk, but for good reason. My dad talked my ear off, my mother complained about it. Lately, she’s starting to do the same thing. God help me!

[@jamesschmitt7094]

This so resonates with me! I've been trying to describe this dynamic that my wife and I have, and you have captured it perfectly. She loves to talk and talk and talk about things that are going on at work--other things too but primarily work. And, I mean to the point that even an interruption to ask whom she's talking about or what relationship they might have to her can be very unpleasant. Over the years I have learned to more or less live with it, but I don't like it and I've never liked it. Rather than speaking to me it seems to be the way she processes her own thoughts. It's not that she is intentionally making me uncomfortable, but it does have a selfish aspect to it in that my attention seems to be required and I get so little out of it. Then as reward for my complicity in denying myself, she returns the favor by ignoring me or misunderstanding me when I'm speaking. . . .

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

@James, this sounds very painful. I am glad this video spoke to your dilemma. The reason I created the membership community, Improve Your Relationships is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@ABrown-bv8hg]

I love your examples, and enjoy your talking style,...thank you for sharing

[@sharonhii1099]

Omg my bf.... I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t feel connected to him..... Guess it’s time to cut my losses. 😑

[@GabiBliss]

To all you armchair psychologists in the comments, some of us do not know how to regulate our talking for 101 reasons, a lot of them based in trauma, but they are not all about being self absorbed or narcissistic. Some of us have anxiety through the roof and were taught by a non stop talking parent how to talk to self sooth. So if you want to take responsibility for yourself you need to speak up, not nastily or in a judgemental way, but just to get you obvious need to be heard as well met by a talker. We NEED you to speak up and interrupt often as we do not know when to stop and it is so comforting it takes on a life of it's own. So please stop commiserating with the other quiet people and start speaking up, otherwise how will we KNOW you are secretly hating it if you smile and nod and stay on the phone for hours like a trained seal for eff's sake ? WE do not like or trust someone who thinks secret thoughts about us and does not just speak up !!!!!

[@thearunrams]

After months of therapy, I realised that my difficulty connecting to people had a lot to do with my parents' poor communication skills. My mom is EXACTLY like what you're describing. For the most part, she does not, will not, stop talking. She will talk intensely about one thing for ten minutes, then jump to a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TOPIC without any warning at all, and throw her intensity there as well. It's ridiculous - and sad, because I know she feels really lonely, and most of the time she's too insecure to admit it.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this video resonated and sparked reflection for you. This is helpful processing. Communication skills is a topic threaded through the discussions in the Improve Your Relationships Community. It is based on a Self-Directed Healing approach that can help strengthen our voice. Good for you exploring for clarity.

[@markchristopher2509]

This is my ex. It's frustrating, maddening and a relationship killer. And no mater how gently or lovingly I tried address this it was met with denial and defensiveness.

[@janpawlak972]

I noticed a rack of socks in a gift store. They said "stop talking" on the side. Lol I thought maybe if he saw them .. Should I buy them?

[@healing_and_humor4530]

Ah, so you've met my mother, then? :D

[@auroraaiko]

My mother is also like that

[@MrsWanderingWife]

Jimita Rae My mother as well. I know I talk a lot but there is an exchange.

[@Window4503]

Ugh, why is it always moms? Mine’s like this too. The twist is that when I was growing up, she complained that I never tried to converse with her. The truth is, when I did try, she didn’t like what I wanted to talk about.

[@suzannem8265]

The repetition in the video helps me digest it all and of course you’re talking constantly it’s your video!

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

Talking, not communicating.

[@lauratheexplorer6390]

Alan, I realise it's ironic that you're talking about people who do non-stop talking. But with you it's actual meaningful content. You do repeat yourself but it's usually to drive a point home. It helps the viewer absorb the information as to not forget. Thank you for what you do. You are helping so many people.

[@nellerue446]

My daughter has been diagnosed as bipolar. She takes no medication or therapy. At times, she talks nonstop, often saying essentially the same thing over and over again just with different words. I pay attention as best I can but when she notices me drifting off, she will tell me to focus. She gets very passionate about what she's talking about - sometimes it's important social issues, other times, it's reality shows (it hasn't occurred to her that if I cared about the reality show, I'd watch it!) She's also a know it all and doesn't take constructive criticism well. Any suggestions on how to deal with this. I dread her coming into my cave

[@heatherrhodes1703]

Wow, this really opened my eyes! For the last 7 months, I have been dating a lovely, lovely man who is a non-stop talker and recently I have started to feel myself pulling away because it's so obnoxious. He is sometimes so pressured that he will have spit froth coming out of his mouth or half-chewed food packed on either side of his tongue because he can't/won't stop to swallow. He talks about things he is doing and things he is interested in. He very seldom asks me about me or asks me for my opinion or thoughts regarding what he is talking about. You used the term "bulldoze" for the listener who wants to participate in the conversation. That's me. Mostly I just listen, but sometimes I have to bulldoze and it's no fun. I had no idea that his incessant talking could be a defense mechanism for keeping emotional distance, but that makes so much sense! He has told me many times that he doesn't think he is capable of truly loving and now I see that this is a symptom of his attachment issues, which likely come from being raised by an emotionally and verbally abusive father with anger issues. He is still friends with his ex-wife, from whom he amicably divorced after being married for probably over a decade (he has literally told me he doesn't know how long he was married to her) and he told me that they just drifted apart starting about 6 months into their marriage. I asked him if he loved her and he said he thinks maybe he did for a couple of months after they met, but then that went away. He said they weren't happy almost the whole time, but he isn't exactly sure why. I think now I know why. I wondered if there could be hope for a change in his behavior if I pointed it out to him from time to time and told him how it makes me feel. After watching this video, however, I am thinking that using that strategy, it's probably not likely. And if he does decide to address it, it would take years of his being in therapy. I'm 53--I don't really have that kind of time. I'm moving overseas early next year, so I'll probably just stay with him for now and deal with it knowing that it will end when I move. Thank you for this incredibly informative video!!

[@pigpink1971]

He won’t change even if you talk frankly about it. Get away from him.

[@heatherrhodes1703]

@@pigpink1971 Oh, yeah, I know that. That's why I said I'll stay with him for now until I move overseas and not try to "fix" him, which is ludicrous. After I posted the above comment, he and I went on vacation together to a state I used to live in. We stayed with a friend of mine and her husband. For 2 straight days, this man held court and talked NON-STOP. He was very pressured--almost manic. Two full, entire days. During this time, I had trouble even bulldozing my way through. He just talked right over me. The second day, I just left the room. It was a nice day so I went outside and read for hours before he came looking for me. I'm sure he had no idea I'd even left. He was directing all of his attention to my girlfriend, so he was giving her a few opportunities here and there to contribute to the conversation, but I was given no such opportunities. I was not included by him at all. At the end of the second day, I had it out with him. I told him he was monopolizing conversations and that he should stop sometimes to hear what others have to say. I told him it was rude to completely exclude people. All he said was, "Hmmm." That's it. I told him that hmmm was patronizing and I wanted an apology. I got a very insincere apology (I knew I would--that's the only kind you get when you have to ask for an apology). After that day, my already waning feelings for him shifted again and now I keep him at much more of a distance. I am happy to spend time with him 2 or 3 times a month. In moderation, he is enjoyable company. Again, if I wasn't leaving for overseas soon, I'd have long since dumped him completely.

[@claredodd1258]

Thankyou. You explain things so well. You have a depth of understanding and clarity I don't see with other counselling videos.

[@chantakchantal6065]

I just left the partner, I ended up calling it "surface talking". I was drained. No depth, no asking me questions ever either except if I wanted to join him to do something HE wanted to do at his convenience. Even if I would tell him he just turned it into an argument.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. I understand how these dynamics can feel draining. Thanks for commenting and for sharing your experience. Glad this video spoke to you. If this video resonates then you may also be interested in getting in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@nightmime6314]

My mom literally doesn’t stop talking and I know mothers are supposed to be like that I feel as if she needs psychological treatment as you said she doesn’t have a pause and she can go on for hours. I am so disengaged and can’t keep up with her. She doesn’t initiate positivity or to hear what I am saying. Even though she heard it, she’s not listening at all. She can only respond to harsh words and it hurts me as her daughter that the way to draw her attention is to use harsh words on her and still she would use that new distraction as another topic for her to hammer into and ramble about. I don’t want to feel like I am disrespecting my mother but I have no clear goal from her of what she wants and needs. My hearing sucks now, with her being in my main environment I am less inclined to listening in school and other people.

[@orangeziggy599]

Thank you for this. Try sitting at a dinner table with family that "talk but don't".

[@googoolars]

My dad is this way.. I began to ignore his constant phone calls because it's tiring and disconnecting to answer the phone and be stuck "listening" for the next 40+ minutes.. He doesn't even give an opportunity for me to end the phone call. I have definitely felt he may as well be talking to himself or a wall. I wonder if this has contributed to my emotional unavailability/distance in my relationships.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

These are helpful reflections. Sometimes we create emotional distance when we're triggered by attachment distress. If you are interested in learning about attachment behavior and would like to build new relationship skills then consider taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course. To learn more take the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@melaniegrech2338]

It makes me feel like I have to escape behind closed doors, but my brother will talk for hours, ask stupid questions, argue about unimportant details such as, what time before he got home did I bring in my pet in the house. He can not focus on getting ready, bandaging open wounds, making his lunch, taking care of himself and his messes, but will stop me from doing a task so that he can recall every benign detail of a story that is unimportant. I feel like I have to struggle to have privacy inside my own head. To him it's rude to interrupt even when you thought he was done. He says, "anyways back to My story". Or if my mom and I talk about a task we are doing, he says, "I feel like I haven't got a word in edgewise". I do not know how to handle.his constant need for attention.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for reflecting and sharing your experience. I can imagine these dynamics are frustrating. Glad this video spoke to you. To learn more about what drives these dynamics, you might be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@guardiana44]

Thanks for explaining something that drove crazy for like forever. I seem to be a magnet for this kind of behavior. Now I get it

[@agntD]

Well i grow up next to a mother was literally hunting me with her constant talking. I have found myself non stop talking for a short time, i had the energetic sensation i was doing exactly the same... but i can tell you it was the time when i get used to silent treatment as he used to slide there without a reason. The loving person was fading into a stranger. He was the one actuallly emotional unavailable but to keep calm in myself and to ignore the fact what he is doing i tried searching for connection, but was continously refused, and i become clingy in this verbal level i guess. Than i quit doing it and i could feel his despice towards me. Than i felt asamed being the same awful as my mother was with me, pure self hate built up on it in me. Such a horrible thing, after going through constant silent treatments and betrayals. So ugly. I forgive myself to be like this so happy i did not see this video in that time to tell me i am such a horrible person. I love your videos they are helping me a lot, i just want to point out that not everything is what it seems.

[@LeighKan]

You talk a lot Alan, because you are trying to explain to all of us, the confusement of being in confusing situtations. Keep talking, we won't walk away. lol. (I won't). I find all your talking very intriguing information and I wish I had come across your channel years ago. But better later than never! Thank you for all your very informative videos

[@outofthegoldfishbowletcete762]

I am having a Robarge day today. Listening chilling out and reflecting. I see all the elements you discuss in each and every video in my nearest and dearesr. Talking too much - tick (ex bff) self pity - tick (ex every man I've ever been involved with and another ex bff) being nice instead of relating honestly - tick (one of my nieces is like that with her mother and one of my sons used to be like that with me ). Naturally I use or have used these various strategies myself too... I suppose the preferred strategy relates to the specific core beliefs?

[@fleetingfootnotes9133]

Video's not in series? That'll lead to "emotional unavailability and OCD" down the line. Great talk. I do think there's a difference between you alone talking and a non-stop talker with a silent other. It comes with video being uni-directional.

[@barabarahegwood6731]

I have childhood trauma and i talk a lot it isnt to just hear myself talking! I do it especially bad when im triggered

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you and empathy to you.

[@KDZ8]

Thank you for this video! Got it in my recommendations. It is amazing how we receive answers to our questions! Am right now in the situation where emotionally unavailable person tries to make me maintain our relationship when i finally have decided to pull myself out of it. Before this video i wasn’t even able to formulate what exactly makes me feel so empty after any interaction with this “friend”. And you formulated it perfectly! She doesn’t connect with people on emotional level, and she doesn’t hear what other people say. And when she gets to talk there is no live conversation, it all suddenly becomes just her no talk/talking. She is never genuinely interested in anyone around her. She loves herself and sees only herself. And now when i started to behave with her in the same manner she is puzzled. For a few years that we know each other i was supposed to accept her behaviour and lack of genuine interest in other people as absolutely normal. Now i am showing her herself mirroring her usual behaviour - and she doesn’t like it! She doesn’t like to be on a receiver side.

[@maaikevermoen1727]

the difference is that you are aware that you are talking and talking. And that you are even making a little joke about it. Thank you for your work and enlightening videos and thanks for making me smile at the end of this one. greetings from the Netherlands

[@kellyconrad1413]

I am astounded by this video. I never had the words to describe what I was feeling during conversation after Conversation like you are describing above. My love interest was an attorney, that talked nonstop either about his work or about his childhood, or about his life. There was never any room or any interest in anything about me.

[@joycereller2489]

You are so good at defining what’s going on and why my radar systems are beeping yet I can’t seem to figure out why. You make for a great BFF! Thank you for sharing your insights, this is so helpful and validating my experiences

[@victoriamitchell2701]

They didn't respect you in the first place.

[@penelopelambson9128]

Does living in a relationship with a toxic narcissist create the kind of emotional unavailability in the non narcissist that you describe?

[@agntD]

I just write a comment that i become this kind of person receiving silent treatments during a long period of time that i got used to that, and talking was my last way to search for connection

[@chilloften]

As an RN I run into many pts. like this and they trap me with continuous talk not a breath between sentences for me to break in and it’s hard to break away to my other 8 post op pts.

[@human_creature]

I'm sure this can be frustrating for others. And the lack of connection doesn't help Autistic people either. I'm pretty sure many people on the Autism spectrum have an attachment trauma or relational trauma or Complex PTSD (s big cause of emotional unavailability), and much of the healing/integrating work in those areas would be useful for them. We all have neuroplasticity, and Autistic people even more so, so there should be a lot of potential there.

[@LinYouToo]

PS I have a few friends whose style of conversation is like a series of spoken facebook posts. It’s almost as if I’m listening to a running inner dialogue. Then when they’ve done enough of that they either “gotta go now” or need to hang up. No interest in me. Nonetheless, I spend very little time with these people anymore. No more collusion. I just read their actual Facebook posts!

[@tanickasinclair7035]

This is Jennifer Sinclair. Oh my God, this video is all about my mother!!!!!!!! Non-stop talking and never getting authentic or deep!!!!! This guy must KNOW MY MOTHER!!!!!!!! This guy is brilliant!!!!!!!!

[@penelopelambson9128]

Wow. You nailed this. Your descriptions of the interactions are extremely accurate, understandable , and helpful. Thank you so much.

[@jane_7193]

Alan, you describe the relationship with no relating remarkably well! It will help me to get through next Friday...I appreciate your approach, Alan. You describe the situation so well from the viewpoint of the one who is treated as a piece of furniture. "Why am I even here?"

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the feedback and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad my work speaks to you. I hear you about feeling like a piece of furniture. Many of us can relate. This topic also comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@jane_7193]

@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you, Alan. Your skill is exceptional to put different situations in verbal forms. That in turn helps healing, it kind of brings detachment to one's personal, even painful experience.

[@drlarrymitchell]

It's been six months/she hasn't shut up once.

[@human_creature]

And an interesting bit of info: almost all Hyper-Empaths are on the Autism spectrum (Hyper-empath, as in the actual neurological condition where people can't stop themselves from strongly feeling others' feelings automatically; contrasted with the made-up term "Empath" that stands for anyone who automatically feels empathy and is therefore not a narcissist). In Autism, I think there's a disconnect between picking up information and processing it in real time and drawing inferences. A further complication is that 70% of autistic people have Alexithymia (inability to recognise emotions). In fact 10% of the general public have it; it seems to be due to developmental trauma, and is something that can be improved, like any learning delay, with great effort, a la Barbara Arrowsmith-Young.

[@ijohnso23]

my girlfriends grandmother is doing this right now as I type… she has been talking for 10 minutes straight……………… 🤦🏾‍♂️ Save me

[@kbc1883]

I’ve been on both sides of this one. When I’ve over-talked, it has been anxiety-driven and, afterwards, I’ve been so embarrassed. But my listening to others is also a way to not fully connect while feeling better about myself. I am not thrilled about my life, so I don’t want to talk about it. I most often do all the listening and I ask great questions that keep the other person talking and revealing themselves. But then it is time to part ways and we haven’t talked about my life at all. And it allows me to feel very thoughtful and helpful and supportive. Afterwards, I find I want to binge eat because I feel like there is no room for me in the relationship. I feel both superior on some level and devalued, all of which I’ve created/colluded with. It is so frustrating and hard to break the habit.

[@strandedinanisland457]

I can remember when I was the person talking hmm...but most definitely did not feel truly heard. Then again too many people vent to me but I don't get to do the same unfortunately.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

A lot of us can relate to this experience. You're not alone in this. In the online Community, Improve Your Relationships, everyone's voice is encouraged. All members get the opportunity to be heard and supported, while also being able to hear and support each other. Discussing things with people who understand can make such a difference. We'd love to have you join us, and we'd love to hear what you have to say. Learn more here: www.alanrobarge.com/community